Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 17. The square root of sex

Episode Date: June 7, 2019

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie discuss nudist beaches, an unusual ‘would you rather’ and farting after sex. As well as all of this there’s their weekly beef and a celeb question from Comedian Lee Ridley. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shagged Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Oh, no backstory of something terrible I've done today? My husband Christopher you're listening to shag my adenoid with me rosie ramsey and my husband christopher ramsey

oh no no backstory of something terrible i've done today my husband christopher ramsey who loves washing his car more than he likes washing his body and he likes washing his body a lot is this because i washed my car today and i didn't wash yours as well yes i honestly was doing a bit of work this morning in the house and i um i think i stretched at my computer and i hadn't had a shower yet and i stretched my arms up in the air and i went i need to immediately go in the shower like it was instantaneous it was disgusting i was ashamed of myself oh god but then yeah i've never i've never then you cleaned your car instead no i did i showered myself But I put a lot more

If I didn't do the car Great Cool story Let's start the podcast What episode is this Rosie? Episode 17 17 Here we are

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Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Jingle. Hello again. Sorry. I don't want to laugh straight away But I love that you just pointed It's like we're doing live telly When I've just got to stop

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Welcome back episode seven Seven Seventeen Seventeen Still buzzing that you're all it's like go right great welcome back episode seven seven seventeen seventeen still buzzing that you're all coming back and it's

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Bloody appears in your pocket every Friday morning. It does. It does. What have you been up to? Shitbag. Well, what have I been up to? I have been on BBC One live

at the weekend with my wife. Yeah. Eating nice food. Yes. How good was that I was like what are you talking about

yeah Saturday Kitchen yes we went on Saturday Kitchen you were so excited we couldn't really tell anyone in the last one that we were going on Saturday Kitchen

I don't think we did no no but I told you we were going on Saturday Kitchen and you were busy eating a slice of toast and you literally

dropped all fours and almost dropped your toast you were so happy like it's just been a dream of mine yeah and I remember you went on

when Robin, Robin was really little. Yeah. Because we watched it in the good room before he could ruin it. And I remember being deathly jealous.

And I'm not jealous, I'm not, I don't get like that when you go on the telly. No, but. But I was just so, so jealous. I think I'm sort of jealous

is a good thing. Like, people always say jealousy is a really bad thing. I think sometimes if you're looking and you're like, oh,

I'd love that to be me. I was envious rather than jealous maybe i was envious well well because we talked about it on the program but i had applied to be on that program as just like a muggle do you know what i mean don't say that that's so offensive to people who don't do term muggle well you know just people what the fuck's wrong well i'm a muggle what do you mean like a muggle what like what like everyone on telly's a wizard well no muggle it's a made-up thing from a film about wizards yeah muggles is in harry potter and that's what they call like is it mudblood or what

is it uh i think a mudblood is is someone who isn't got any isn't that one of mine he's half and half they call her mudblood because she's got muggle in her. Oh, wow. Yeah, it is because she's a bit muggle. Yeah. Anyway, I just meant like somebody who isn't on the telly. I never used to be on the telly. Yeah. And I wanted to be one of the muggles who sit there. Stop saying muggle. It is not a real thing, Chris.

Like, listen, it's a word we can't. Right. I'm sorry, but you can't be saying that muggle isn't PC. I will give you... It's not real. I'll give you £100 if we don't get a complaint about that. £100. If everyone's fine with calling people out on the telly muggles,

I'll give you £100. Yes, please. Cheers on it. Cheers. If somebody gets offended that I've called people of the general public muggles... Anyone, all you're going to do here is email in, I'll give you a tenner. Save myself a night.

No, because somebody will get offended and I'll get really irritated. But anyway, back to the story before you got ridiculous. I wanted to be one of the general members

of public, hashtag muggles, who just go and sit on the programme with the chefs and just get free food. And then that dream came true because we were there

and we were the wizards. It was magic. So I was, you know, half muggle. Wasn't it great? It was bloody fantastic. One of the best days of my life. Really? Oh, that's lovely.

Are you kidding me? It was, did you see it? I was like, grinning like a Cheshire cat the whole way through. Somebody tweeted and said that

the microphones were on the whole way through and they could hear us just going, this is crazy. Did you know that? Did you see that? I loved how many people

got involved. Like, they were sending memes of you. They were making gifs and memes of you eating and drinking. It was amazing it was very very good fun the food's unbelievable now what i've got to genuinely commend you for and

i know some people will get weird about it like well like one or two people were like i got one tweet tweet of someone going oh god you can be honest but they can be a bit too honest now every single time i watch that show and we watch that show a lot when someone gets the food hell they still eat it and go oh that's actually quite nice yeah yeah and i tried my food hell once i didn't get i've always got me heaven i think um but i think once they had me food hell ready prepared and i tried it off camera and i was like actually that's really nice yeah you stuck to your guns mate i was gonna vomit i swear i swear i could have thrown up it came up you know so if you didn't see it if you didn't see it, if you didn't see it, Rosie's Food Hell was a cheesy pasta,

so they made a carbonara in a cheese wheel. In a cheese wheel. Which, literally, I was hiding my erection. I was that excited on live telly, right? I mean, talk us through what happened. Well, right, let's just start at the beginning. I think I made a huge error in actually saying my, like, worst food in the world.

Yeah. Because you chose a fish stew, but I think you could stomach a fish stew but i think you could stomach a fish stew if they made it yeah yeah this if i made it you'd probably bomb but they you know michelin star chef's making it it's gonna be amazing yeah i hate cheese i hate cheese like no i can have it on pizza and i can have cheese on toast if it's just like cheddar or something right a mozzarella but this was like the the cheese that has mold on it and you still eat it it was like that wheel yeah smelt like oh to use a phrase from last week toe meat cheese toe meat cheese yeah cheesy

bellends jesus christ feet right yeah it was oh it was disgusting and i shouldn't have picked something that that bad i should't have picked something that bad. I should have probably picked something, you know, like middle of the road. That I don't really like, but I could probably eat. I thought I was going to be sick. And I felt so rude. It was great.

It has to be the line, the best line that's ever been said on that show. You, while literally trying not to throw up, saying to the chefs, you're really talented, but this is disgusting. I know. Because I did. I loved it. No, fair play. Because I like that. I like your honesty. rope saying to the chefs you're really talented but this is disgusting i know because i did i loved it no fair play because i like that you're i like your honesty but you did it was food hell

to be to be food hell and if they well i don't know maybe if they'd done it and you'd liked it but i think the fact that they made it so cheesy and so cheesy and creamy pastry they did it so well it was absolutely a food hell yeah it was it was god it was amazing i know i hit a wall when we got on that train we got on the train to go back i just i was pissed i don't know about you i was honestly i had to go and do a gig on the night i was devastated i know i was in bed by half nine oh we both fell asleep putting robin to bed yeah i know fell asleep putting well that's what happens when you drink

four glasses of wine at ten o'clock in the morning do you know what I mean got wine tonight cheers cheers my love it's a wine podcast it's a wine cast

hey it's a plonk cast plonky plonk plonk plonk plonk it's a plonk cast so in about ten minutes time we're going to start talking some real shit I reckon

can't wait babadoo babadoo babadoo what's your beef what's your beef what's shit I reckon can't wait what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef I got so excited

I forgot to do the rap what's your beef still haven't come up with another jingle still haven't come up with another jingle I just haven't got time we'll do it though

cool what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef ladies first me first yes okay

I don't think I've mentioned this I say this to you all the time but I don't know if I've done it on the podcast okay and I think I've mentioned this I might have I say this to you All the time But I don't know If I've done it on the podcast Okay And I think

I'm talking a lot But I think I haven't done it On the podcast Because I mention it so much In real life Okay It's a big one actually Oh god

It's one of my main beefs with you Oh goodness Okay It's divorce Material Oh no Well it's a podcast My

Is that all you care about I mean I know I miss you so much wow Italian great my beef with you

in life is that you can eat whatever you want and you will never ever put on weight. I don't know what to say. You're like a fucking lion.

You've never seen a fat lion? I'm a fat lion. You've never, I've never seen a fat lion. I've never seen a fat lion. Exactly mate, that's you. I've never seen a fat lion.

You don't put, what's the matter with you? I don't know how I do it. I'm really sorry. I know it makes you feel really bad. I know. I'm trying to get better. I had a smoothie today.

You made us a little chicken salad. I'm trying to do smoothies. I know, but then what happens is you'll end up getting really fit. Right. So I'd rather you just be middle of the road. Jesus. Rather than like super fit because that would make us feel worse. That's what I'm living with, guys.

This is craziness. You can eat whatever you want stop it no don't stop it keep doing it here have a cake have a cake on that cake let's just go a bit deeper though right right you in a week you could eat a pizza takeaway takeaway pizza not even like an oven one that's got less calories takeaway pizza you could have a curry You could have like bars of chocolate, packets of crisps, beers, wine, and you just won't fluctuate at all. I don't know how I do it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I know, but as a person who has a terrible metabolism. That's it. It's been metabolism. I put on weight so easily. I also worry it off. Well, one, you don't need to worry because you're beautiful but I worry it off

I worry I was that way you twisted your face up there because I gave you a compliment on the podcast you didn't like it did you

god damn it it's like having a shot god damn this medium I actually I'll be honest with you I don't like it when I'm doing a gig

and someone shouts out a compliment I really hate it why if I'm like and I'm like oh I've got a heck of a

what's that mate and they're like if so and i'm like oh oh we've got a heck of a what what's that mate and they're like i love you i'm like that that's shut up you actually do you have got really weird i'd rather you call as a twat um so yeah but yeah stop worrying about it because you're gorgeous right um but i worry it off is what i do my head it's craziness the stuff i worry about is awful i put it on twitter today i was trying to plan i'm going to isle of man for a gig this week right and i was trying to plan which road to take to get across to the m6 and i was on my big computer doing it and i was on google maps and i zoomed out too much i flicked my mouse and when you flick your mouse on google maps it zooms right out so you can see the full planet and I remember we were just on a planet in space

and then I had a little panic attack Jesus because I was like A69 A66 oh my god we're in the middle of space

hurtling through the sky and I had like a bit of a I freaked out a bit and then I started thinking about what happens when you die and I had a little bit of a

I nearly had a nosebleed so see when you say things like that I don't know how we're married do you know what I mean though

that's so I don't go there I don't go to them levels of worry I did it when I did it on Saturday actually

when we were putting Robin to bed just as you were falling asleep I don't know what happened but something popped in my head if I wonder what

happens when you die and I sometimes try to get the idea of nothing. Like, people go, it's nothing. It's just nothing. Before you were born, there was nothing. But it's nothing forever. And I can't get my head around it.

And it properly, like, control-alternates my brain. It makes us, like, it makes us crash. My thoughts all freak out. It's really bizarre. What, when you think about dying? When I think about the idea of nothing forever. Do you understand what I mean? Well, then change that idea.

Well, okay. You're not going to heaven? No, because I've never really believed in it, because people say, all your loved ones and all your family are there who died in that, and I'm like, that didn't mean nothing. Mine are. My granddad Jimmy, my auntie Margaret,

they're literally up there with a glass of wine for us. Yeah? Well, that's quite the glass of wine bit's kind of good. It's lush. And then we'll just drink wine all day, and we'll float around clouds. There'll be unicorns. We'll eat marshmallows of wine. It's kind of good. It's lush. And then we'll just drink wine all day and we'll float on clouds. There'll be unicorns. We'll eat marshmallows for breakfast.

That's my heaven. God, you're going to put some serious weight on there. No one cares in heaven. And I'm not. I'm there as well in your heaven, but I put weight on. Yes, that's it. In heaven or the mirrors,

you look amazing. It's like, what's that film? With, um... What's it? Shallow Hal. Shallow Hal. It's Shallow Hal. heaven all the mirrors you look amazing it's like what's that film with them it's shallow hell in heaven that's my heaven just look eat whatever you want rosie but look in that mirror oh my god i'm sydney crapper but i don't think it has to be i don't think it has to be a religious thing or anything like that it's just thinking about something that isn't grim. It might not be real. I don't know if it's real or not, but I believe in it. It gets you through the bloody day.

Why the hell not? Exactly. Well, mate, try it, eh? Why the hell not? Anxiety-riddled fool. Just worry about shit that hasn't happened yet that you can't control. Right. What's your beef with me my beef uh again i've got to say my beef is a long-standing beef

great that i've had with the best ones yeah long-standing beef um an aged an aged beef if you will a dry like a carpaccio like a cured beef great yeah um jerky it popped up at the weekend uh and it's constant, and I've addressed it numerous times, and you've never fixed it. You have absolutely no fucking clue how to stack a dishwasher. Oh, piss off. It's madness. Oh, Chris. No, it's madness.

It's craziness, right? But not just that. We've talked about it before, so I'm not going to go deep into that. What I'm talking about is this, right? You and your mum are both terrible at it. It's disgusting. It's like you're your mum are both terrible at it it's disgusting it's like you're throwing them in I've done it to me stand up

it's like you're throwing them in from miles away I tried to teach and you don't need I sort of tried to show you a couple of times and you've kind of watched and I've thought

is she actually paying attention and I've thought nah she's probably not and today you solidified it just today I had a different beef until today this happened you

incredibly you opened the dishwasher you cleaned the full dishwasher you took all the racks out you cleaned all the crud off the side it was amazing you did all of that and then you went oh hey it's stacking this i don't know how to do it and i went i'll stack it for you darling i went hey as you're here as you've cleaned all you're in a bit of a productive mood i went do you want to watch and i'll show you exactly how to do it trying to not be patronizing but i was like do you want to watch and i'll show you exactly do you remember what you said rosie you said and i quote i would rather have a wank with a

piece of glass genuinely said that in your face this morning i don't even care about that it's horrible i mean the visual was just i, it's still upsetting us now. I'll be honest with you, thinking of that visual, the calories are flying off. Something else is flying off, isn't it? Oh, my God. Chris, wow. I didn't know where you were going with that because I can't. I've never heard something so disgusting in my life.

And it came from nowhere. Well, okay, right? But maybe just take this for a minute, right? heard something so disgusting yeah well and it came from norway well okay right but maybe maybe just take this for a minute right maybe i've thought about that before when you've asked us and thought you know what rosie i'd rather have a little wank with a bit of glass i'm telling you right now i will never offer again i didn't realize you felt that bad about it i will never offer again it's horrific it blew my mind i had to sit down. My knees went weak. It was like watching surgery on the telly. I don't feel like you responded that much when we...

I wrote it down. Did you just write it down straight away? I went, I'm saving that for tonight because that is... We've hit some deep-rooted... I totally forgot. Psychiatrists would have a fucking field day with that, mate. What's the matter with us? Why do we talk like this?

Why is this our life? I had forgot about that whole conversation. I don't forget about it. Like, it was just normal. You've been rattling around my head all day, mate. You're an animal. Oh, sorry. I'll just stack the dishwasher from now on.

You don't, you just put the, oh God, just got a glass in her hand. Oh, it's a wine glass. It's time for... from the public public public we need some jingles public right i know uh just before we do questions from the public just to let you know got a lot of emails from people who've had sex on a plane really people have had sex on a plane people have had wanks on a plane people have been a plane people have had wanks on a plane people have been low wanked on a plane so did we get any details from these people well yeah some of them went into detail quite a lot but like

so a lot of them said it was really shit though because it was like uncomfortable yeah a lot of air hostesses right and um have been in touch saying it's very unsanitary in them toilets basically a lot of stuff goes on really yeah anyway back to the questions yeah from all you lovely lads

as always guys if you want to get in touch it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com send us whatever you want as long as it's not a picture or something minging or a comment on your cousin's

decent breasts a lot of people like that. Everyone loved that. Fair play. Very, very decent, those breasts. Very decent. Okay, what have you got, Rose? Okay.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. Firstly, I'd like to know how you feel about people that leave their bags on the seat next to them on trains. Are you one of them or does it wind you up as much as it does me? Ooh. There's another question as well right well first of all i do leave my bag on the seat next to us but if you want it moved i'll move it but it's a deterrent because i don't like sitting next to people and i'm saying it right now because i live on trains and i've sat next to coffers farters i've sat next to people who

flake their skin on you i've sat next to people who flake their sausage rolls all over you that's not a euphemism they just sometimes eat a sausage roll and I got some pastry on us once and I'm still upset about it. I have sat next to people who will sit down on the table and they open a full-on like Burger King

at 10 in the morning and it stinks and I'm watching them eat it and I feel like I'm inside it. So yeah, I do put my bag on the chair. But if you want it moved, I'll move it instantly

and let you sit down. But it's a deterrent because there's some dirty bastards out there keeping you thin it's keeping us why is he keeping his thing anxious anxious yeah it's keeping his head oh what am i like when we get on a train i'm bad on if i don't get a seat on me it's one of my beefs so don't don't okay then we'll do that later man sure up what about you do you put the bag next to you rosie no I don't because I've got manners Chris. Oh okay cool. Yeah. Cool. I got taught them at an early age

you know elderly and pregnant have a seat. Yeah. Oh come on elderly and pregnant I'd lift my bag up straight away if you're just a monkey businessman

and they are monkey I've told you before I don't know if I mentioned it on the podcast when a guy sat next to us and just burped and with every single sentence he just blew it in my face.

Oh it makes me feel sick this story. It was so what you been to Birmingham for? it in my face. Oh, it makes me feel sick, this story. It was... So, what you been to Birmingham for? Right in my mouth. Was he drinking? He was drinking Stella. Oh!

The gassiest of all the drinks. Ew! And he must have had... I think he must have ate a clove of garlic like an apple before he got on. Oh, no. Raw. And it was literally,

he turned away from us just... And then the blow was turned to me and. Oh, I can taste it. I can taste it. It was lifting. It was horrible. Honestly, I must have looked like Michael Jackson in the Earth song. Just me hair flying back.

Vile. Vile. And secondly, this is another question. From the same person. From the same person. From the same person. This is Kylie. Okay. After me and my fiance have sex,

he farts literally seconds after it's over. Pretty much every single time. Do either of you do this? It's weird. Love, Kylie. Oh, Jesus Christ. So he has sex. They have sex.

I'm guessing it's a... That is so grim. Yeah, my fiance. So it's a male and a has sex they have sex i'm guessing it's a yeah my fiance after he so it's a male and a female they have sex and then he as soon as he's finished has a fart every single time absolutely that is like absolutely the magic's over love i know but that's but it must be built in him because that's like you every time we're hugging you burp i don't do that anymore i've tried not to do that i can tell you holding them in and you've stopped hugging me as much actually you have holy shit holy shit yeah well you know i don't like i don't like burping and hugging and hugging at the same time thank god mate i'm not annoyed i'm glad that uh that's disgusting that is a full on like if you didn't

I mean the magic's over when you're finished having sex anyway you kind of go back you know you pick your phone up or whatever

you go back to doing whatever you were doing but to just knock a big manky father no I know that would upset me that would upset me dude stop it man

go in the other room yeah I'd be annoyed if you did that it must be like he must be like building it up it must be something to do with the

thrusting and moving or maybe the way he's breathing or maybe you know some people can suck in in the bum and then pump it out yeah they genuinely can and just suck it and he might be inadvertently doing it it might be the way he's tensing or whatever he's doing so he's moving up and down he's thrusting like a bike pump right and he's sucking the air in and then he's gotta let it all out yeah okay i mean he's just really relaxed afterwards and he's possibly that i mean still he deserves a punch love kylie give him a slap what the hell is he doing it's minging drop that rank jesus bless him good stuff he's like a tire at the garage And when you finish pumping your tyres up at the garage You pull it off and it goes

That's him I wonder how long they've been together It sounds like forever I mean imagine that on a one night stand What's your name again? That's great I'll get you an Uber I'll get you a fucking nubby

Okay Hi Chris and Rosie I'm after some advice Always happy to give advice So to summarise the issue I think my husband is a complete and utter knobhead when he's drunk. Wow.

As a sober man, he is very funny and a joy to be around. So that's good. If he's had a few too many, his jokes become terrible, but he thinks he's being hilarious. He becomes arrogant,

reckless, and very boisterous. He talks to anybody in the room but me, and he's prone to wandering off with strangers. Until, can I just say, until that bit, I thought this was you emailing in. Love Rosie.

He's a live wire and not in a good way. I've been told by a few people it's completely normal to find your other half annoying when they've drunk too much. Is this the case for you two? Any advice welcome? Wow he gets too drunk he gets too boy so she runs off um maybe make sure he's had a big meal before he goes out why because it soaks the alcohol up maybe make sure he has a couple of waters in between the drinks i just i think some people are lightweight and some people aren't yeah yeah i genuinely I've known some people for years, right? And they've never, over the whole year,

like when we were younger, they'd get more drunk after a few drinks, but so would you. But then I feel as I've got older, I've become more tolerant to drink. But I know for a fact that I drink the same as these people. Yet when you go out with these people, they still get really drunk after just a few drinks.

And I just think some people can't handle alcohol as well as other people. There'll be something scientific about it, but I don't know what it is. Damn, I've only had a bit of research just slide into that little chat there. Should we Google something important? Nope, not bothered. There's something scientific in there. I'm happy to generalise. Some people are lightweight, some people aren't.

Yeah. Maybe, well, I don't know. Okay, thenise. Some people are like weird, some people aren't. Yeah. Maybe, well, I don't know. Okay, then maybe if you're just like me, maybe he wanders off with strangers. Maybe a lead? Maybe a little dog lead? Put a little dog lead on him? Maybe a little leash,

that would work. A little bell? Put a little bell round his neck? And then when he's being bad, just kind of like pull on it and be like, bad boy. One of the choker ones, that's the kind of band,

but you'd probably get one off the internet and just like pull it if he's being naughty and it chokes him a bit and then, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Water his drinks down. Water like pull it if he's been naughty and it chokes him a bit and then you know yeah yeah yeah water his drinks down water his drinks down

that's not good yeah that's a good show yeah I've done that really not to like when I've had friends who are too drunk

and they're like I want another drink I'm like vodka coke and they're like vodka coke and I'm like great I go to the bar and I just get them a coke

and they're like fantastic they literally have five more cokes and I'm like sucker I love it well done

I've done that before sorry Steph you're a yeah we've got the jingle now mate what are you going to do you're a really nice drunk thank you you're a lovely drunk

I've always loved that about you it's because it's just always in my system I'm joking no you're a really really nice drunk yeah yeah i i think i just kind of still the only time you've actually been it was when you went a little mix when you went a little mix a couple years ago and you came back and you were lying in our bed fully clothed and i went do you not want to you like put shoes on high heels

on the lot covered in mud lying in the bed going to And I went, do you not want to go and get changed, darling? And I went, do you not want to just get out your clothes? And you went, ah, that's right, isn't it? Moms can't have fun. I said, no, moms can have fun. Just get your clothes off. You're fully dressed in bed. And then you woke up and bollocked us because you were fully clothed.

So that was fun. Why have I got me clothes on? Because you're a dick. That was such a good night. Do you know why? Yeah. Because they were selling little bottles of wine. Yeah.

And little bottles of wine make me feel fine. Fantastic. So that was why. I've got that. I Instagrammed that. Yeah, it's somewhere. Years ago. Yeah.

It's somewhere on the internet. It's a good day. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. What's the real story? What's the real story? Who said that? The first omen. The Impeders Friday.

Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee

the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Okay, this next one, right?

Because I've been going through the emails, I've noticed that people are putting a lot of effort in these emails, which I really appreciate. And the subjects, you know how you put a subject title? Yeah, the subject title. They're really funny, some of them. Okay. So this one is called The Square Root of Sex.

Wow. I'd have opened that email. Well, see what I mean? It entices us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We want to read it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

So, the Ramses. The other day, after me and my boyfriend had done bits right okay i read this first and i was like what the hell is bits bits is sex no bits is just sex for some reason they call it bits i don't know why but but that's what david walliams calls the he's in the sketch in little britain where the guy who still breastfeeds even though he's like 40 he calls it bitty bits bitty well this is just what these do so sorry should i change bits to sex no no i think they're very weird and i'm going to use it to judge them in the next bit of the email whatever that may be okay bits the the weirdos i know and it's in like a pot it's in little yeah yeah okay the other day after me and my boyfriend

had done bits he said wow had to do some mad maths then I let the comment slide and just thought

I'd missed something he'd said he then said it the next day after we'd done bits again two days in a row I know mate

bloody hell I didn't know rabbits could send emails these youngies Jesus This time I've got a job I've got a telly

I've got a phone I've got nothing to say Anyway This time I asked what he meant Okay so he said it Again the next day after the drum bits. He said, wow, I had to do some maths.

He said, I had to do some mad maths then. Right. He said that when he doesn't want to finish quickly, he does hard arithmetic calculations in his head to try and prevent it happening when he wants to last longer. Wow. Is this normal? Wow.

His name is Lewis and he listens to the podcast too so please name and shame him because i think it's bloody weird and that's from samantha jesus so lewis to stop him from coming climaxing sorry dad sorry nana sorry everyone who knows me i just said come on you said that you did that as if you were going to put a word in that wasn't come a climax as if you're going to put like you know i wasn't comma climax. As if you were going to put like, you know. I was really trying to think of like a non. Yeah, like an innuendo, like a sort of simile in for it. But you said both of them.

Both of the words. You could have said finish. But you went with the sweary one and the science one. It was amazing. Sorry. Anyway. You know, when they are, when Lewis and Samantha science one. It was amazing. Sorry. Anyway. You know, when they are, when Lewis and Samantha

are fucking, like, that's essentially what you just did. This is so weird. I know. I thought you were going to put a simile in.

It's the wine. So, anyway, so he does maths to put himself off. To put himself off to put himself off okay yeah

okay wish you'd do a bit of that the problem is with me I bloody love maths so it does does the opposite I love it oh Pythagoras and that

oh Pythagoras three point one can I first of all right it just said i've got a copy of the email on my computer yeah because it says when he doesn't want to finish quickly he does hard arithmetic can i say you guys are calling sex bits you know what's a better word for it hard arithmetic that's much better fancy some bits tonight fancy some hard arithmetic later. Damn right I do. Oh, gosh.

Jesus. Horrible. So he's lying there, like, blooming beautiful mind. Like, just like, like, like, wow.

Fair play, man. I mean, if it works for you. I mean, if anything, Samantha, I think you should take it as a compliment. He's obviously enjoying it that much and you're doing, you know, you're doing whatever. He has to put himself off.

Yeah. He has to put himself off. You know. Yeah. Orgasming. Yeah. Samantha, you know, you're obviously, oh, how should I put this?

Grinding and humping so well. Oh, no, sorry. I did exactly what Rosie did there. You're obviously doing something right, Samantha. I think you should take it as a compliment and well done. I mean, as long as he's, Samantha, as long as he's not doing it out loud, I don I think you should take this as a compliment and well done I mean as long as he's

Samantha as long as he's not doing it out loud I don't think you've got anything to worry about just lying there like Carol Vorderman

on a 90s educational video 7-7's off well done Samantha well done Samantha well done 2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate Samantha Samantha 2-4's too late that's what I'm saying it wasn't hard enough Samantha. Well done, Samantha. Well done, girl. Two, four, six, eight. Who do we appreciate? Samantha.

Samantha. Two, four. Oh, too late. That's what I'm saying. It wasn't hard enough. It was too easy. It's only the two times table. What was I thinking?

I need to change my trousers. Got one here. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Me and my partner love your podcast and have a question for it. We are naturists. you why am i so childish my immediate thought is where do you put your phone while you're listening to it you've got no pockets up your bum hey would you uh sorry guys uh would you go or have you been to a nudist beach? If you could, could you possibly keep me anonymous as my family members don't know we are naturists?

Well, first of all, you're not very good naturists if they haven't realised yet. Clearly got clothes on sometimes, haven't you? Not full-time naturists. Bullshitter. Part-timers. Then again, you don't want to ruin that barbecue, do you? Don't stand too close, Jim. You might get some fat spattering on your knob.

His name's not Jim. His name's not Jim. Extra sausage. Jim's got one right there. Here we go. If your name's Jim, that's total fluke. I didn't mean it. So is Jim.

Naturist. Wow. I didn't know they still kicked about. Apparently so. I've been on Eudice Beach did you know this go on you I've been on

Eudice Beach in Gran Canaria wow and it was horrific really oh well me and my friend

Sarah Badger naming her can I just say that's the best name to be on Eudice Beach oh she's not called Sarah Badger anymore but that's annoying

well that wasn't her name before she got the nudist beach, but... Sarah, get your badge around. Sarah Badger. And my maiden name, Rosie, it's not winter. Get your clothes off. Get in. Well done. So we went to a nudist beach in Gran Canaria,

and I was like 19. Yeah. And we thought we were really cool, and I was a lot thinner then, so I loved getting my kit off, right? And we was like 19 yeah and we we thought were really cool and i was a lot thinner then so i loved getting me cut off right and we were like yeah let's go to the nudist beach oh sexy blah blah it would be like love island yeah yeah it was just a lot of old people really naked playing tennis on the beach oh tennis that no i swear to god bat and ball bat and ball good lord bat and balls and a lot of balls and oh there must there's no support in that you can't be jumping around playing bat and ball doing sports with no underpants on the balls must be knocking

around the knees i know and boobs as well it must hurt they were all very old and it was just a bit weird oh Jesus and I ended up putting a bag of crisps like I folded a bag of crisps up and I ended up putting it over my vagina because I just felt a bit weird

that's weird I know I don't know why I didn't put my pants on but I just did I don't know just put a bag of crisps I know that sounds like an invitation

yeah but the thing is pretty Gary Liddick I was there to be writing hello Gary is this doing anything for you That sounds like an invitation. Yeah, but the thing is... Pretty Gary Linnick, I was there to be writing. Hello, Gary, is this doing anything for you? Pickled onion. Oh, sorry.

I mean, cheers. Very good joke. Thank you. See, a perfect example of a joke that a male comedian wouldn't have been able to say. Very well done. Thank you so much. I said pickled onion, I'd have been a pervert. But pickled onion by you, fantastic joke. Thank you. See, a perfect example of a joke that a male comedian wouldn't have been able to say. Very well done. Thank you so much. If I'd have said pickled onion, I'd have been a pervert. But pickled onion by you, fantastic joke.

Get away with it, you see. Well played. So yeah, in the end it was vile, but we kind of committed to it. That's why I didn't put my costume back on, maybe Keeney even. Well, do you not get kicked off if you put your costume on?

Well, exactly, but we'd got there and we were like, right, well, we have to stay for a little bit. We can't just go, look at everyone feel disgusted and leave did you put a crisp

on each nipple no I put the empty bag of crisps over my vagina yeah but then a crisp on each nipple as well to complete the look no

I had mint booze back then got them out every occasion lemon mint did they do that flavour then anyway it was rank I won't be going back

oh wow yeah no I've never I've never fancied that. I've never, ever fancied getting my kit off. It's not like I'm walking around. It's not a thing. No. Nah, not at all.

You're not old enough by Grand Canaria beach standards. I mean, fair. Like, I've got nothing against it if it's the nudist beach and you want to, you know. But it is mainly old people, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But I think they might be ageing hippies, so they might be like, in the 60s when they were doing it,

it might have been happy days, do you know what I mean? Yeah, maybe. Although I imagine there was as much pubic hair that they must have looked like they were wearing clothes. Back in the day. Loser pack of crisps down there. Big one and all. Where's me sensation?

Bloody hell. Gary, let it go, disappear. Just see his feet kicking out, look. We mentioned Gary, didn't we, Gary? Big one and all Where's me sensation Bloody hell Gary Lineker Disappear Just see his feet Kicking out We mentioned Gary Lineker A pair of football boots Why did we mention

Gary Lineker a lot Have we mentioned him A lot Have we I'm sure we have When we've talked about crisps He's a national treasure Just synonymous with crisps

He's a national treasure Yeah I mean we've never Gone as far as Mentioning him Disappearing into a Hippie's pubic region before like but

you know what what are you going to do he'll never listen to it right I have got up there with one of the maddest emails

we've ever had okay in my opinion excited hi Rosie and Chris this one may just blow your mind well i've just proofread it and it has blown my mind my dad had an affair with my mom's niece when i was 16 oh my dad moved out with her when my mom found out but they now all live with my mum and my nan what mum's mum isn't that mental so the dad uh-huh cheated on

the mom with the mom's niece yeah but now they all live with the mom and the mom's mom that's that's craziness what the hell's going on okay here's my issue well that's not your issue mate i don't know what the fuck is what's's going on? My fiancé and I have been discussing what we would say to our child when we have one. I personally feel like we need to tell them eventually about the relationships that are going on in that house. But my fiancé thinks we should act like what is going on is normal. What do you think? Let me mention my cousin is only eight years older than me, but is younger than my brother. So they've had a kid as well.

Okay. Have fun with this one, guys. Oh, no. No. No, they haven've had a kid as well okay have fun with this one guys oh no no no i haven't had a kid that's the niece okay sorry god i'm getting confused so it's a cousin oh my god um eight years older than me but is younger than my brother have fun with this one guys i look forward to your response for my own embarrassment leave this anonymous i'll absolutely leave you anonymous jesus christ. Wow. How intense that is. But this, it harks back to, there's other people in the world. Yeah, I've got that opinion as well. What, you don't shit where you eat.

Do you know what I mean? Jesus. I mean, in my opinion here, it's just saying, I personally, me and my fiance have been discussing what we'd say to our child.

I personally feel like, it doesn't matter what you personally feel, writer, here, because you've got a fiance who's happy to stay with you when that shit's going on. have been discussing what we'd say to our child I personally feel like it doesn't matter what you personally feel writer here because you've got a fiance who's happy to stay with you when that shit's going on do whatever your fiance wants yeah

they run the show holy shit so the nana and the mam live with the ex-husband and the husband's and then which is the niece

which is the nana's grandkid yeah no so it mustn't be they mustn't be blood related. God, we haven't even talked about the incest, the incestuous of this. Is that a word? I don't know. Yeah, the incestuousness.

Incestuousness. It must be just the mam's niece and then they must have married. Yeah. Yeah. It must be the mam's brother or sister's child and it's got nothing to do with the husband. Oh, okay. So, like, say... I don't even want to put it...

Don't even point to me and start doing names of your family because I'll be sick everywhere. Don't even joke. Don't even joke. That's disgusting. Okay. But anyway, that's what it is. Obviously, so it's the mam's, yeah.

So it's the mam's brothers or the mam's sisters. Chris, this happens. I know exactly what happened here, though. What? The dad turned around to the person who wrote this and one day, and actually,

this is how it all started, they actually just said, your cousin's got a decent pair of breasts. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is it. This is it from the child's view. We're getting an origin story.

Holy shit. This is like when Wolverine came out after X-Men. If you haven't listened to the last episode, go back and listen to it now because none of this shit will make sense. All they need to do when they're describing it to the child is go, well, once upon a time, your granddad thought that my cousin had decent breasts.

Don't explain it to your child until well later on. Kids don't give a shit about stuff like that. The child will just accept that they all live in the same house. Don't ever tell them. Do you not find as a grown up, like only now have I been told some stuff and I'm like, oh shit, are you joking? You don't have a clue.

I found out some fucked up shit and I was like, I'm glad you didn't tell us that when I was a kid because that would have melted my head. Yeah. Yeah, totally. And if you are going to tell your kids, sit them down properly,

put some music on, I suggest a and explain why your family's a fucking mess. Sorry. Good luck. Good luck, but don't tell your kid hi guys love the podcast thank you since you seem to have many listeners conducting polls i thought i'd tell you this little story

in my old job my friend gavin would ask her would you rather question to the team every day. They were fairly standard questions until one day he asked the following. If you had to give up one for the rest of your life, would you rather give up pizza or receiving oral sex? Apparently, just to summarize the email, this became such a big discussion that it's turned into a poll with the whole office on email and pizza won the poll but only by a very small margin so the both of you on the podcast pizza or oral which one would i give up if you could give up one for the rest of your life you have to give up pizza or sex i'm receiving all sex

receiving all sex you'd give up all the being of an life. You have to pick one. I have to give up pizza or oral sex. I'm receiving oral sex the rest of my life. Receiving oral sex. You'd give up oral sex. In the blink of an eye. Yeah. All I'm thinking about then, people who answered oral, who answered giving up pizza, you haven't had a good enough pizza.

You're eating the wrong pizza. What are you eating? Microwave Chicago town pizzas? Grow up. Get a pot of pizza down you. Jesus. You can still have real sex. What the fuck's wrong with you?

Well, to be honest, I don't really like pizza and I don't really like oral sex either it gets in the way doesn't it yeah I would happily I'd rather have a Chinese

well I mean that wasn't on the email but that's fair enough I'd rather have a little portion of barbeque spare ribs over any of them pizza or oral

sorry dad sorry nana sorry everyone who I know sorry papa john sorry dominoes sorry pizza hood sorry Or oral. Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Nana. Sorry, everyone. Who I know. Sorry, Papa John. Sorry, Domino's. Sorry, Pizza Hut. Sorry.

I do like the barbecue pizza at Pizza Hut. Oh, okay then. So actually maybe, oh, God, shit. Right, okay. Pizza. I love pizza. Pizza's my favourite thing. I could eat pizza every meal.

I could eat pizza at every single meal of every single day. I love it so much. It's my favourite. I know. Yeah. Or it doesn't even get a look in pick something better that's the worst

would you rather ever for me that's that thing as well you know you know every year they do that thing on Twitter and they're like

it's guys it's steak and blowjob day I would be fucking fuming if I was trying to have a nice fillet steak and someone was trying to give us a blowjob I'd be going

will you get off I'm trying to oh shit there's your birthday. Tell them that you're a shitter. Cancel the butchers and the stool. And the knee pads that you bought. Right, well I think we're both reasonably drunk now,

so it's possibly time for the celebrity question. Yes, so do I. This week's celebrity question is from Lee Ridley. Now, you will all know Lee Ridley as Lost Voice Guy, the winner of last year's Britain's Got Talent, and a friend of mine. And here he is, he sent this in. Hello, Chris and Rosie.

Recently I was eating on a train, while sitting opposite a posh businessman, in an expensive suit. As I have trouble eating, at the best of times, this was probably a bad idea. This was confirmed to be the case, when I sneezed, while still having a mouthful of food, and covered the bloke in bits, of my very delicious chocolate cake. I apologised immediately, and he said it was fine, but I could tell that it wasn't. That was a very long three hour journey back to Newcastle. Anyway, my question is, have you ever had any eating disasters in public? Freaking hell.

That's banging. So what, he sneezed? God, I wish I'd been there. He sneezed chocolate muffin all over the book. Well, obviously he says he has trouble eating at the best time because he's disabled. And so he's obviously eaten away there and he's had to sneeze, bless him. Brilliant. I mean, for me, the best bit is Lee's disabled and so he's obviously eaten away there and he's had to sneeze bless him and he said I mean for me the best bit is he's had to sneeze then he's had

to type sorry into his iPad so he couldn't even sneeze straight he couldn't even apologize straight away which for me oh fuck I wish I'd been there to see that he's brilliant though thank you so much for that question yeah I did a um tv show with him the other day and uh he said he was he loved the podcast and he said he wanted to put a thing in so if you're listening brother thank you very much man thanks so much wow just a quick if any of the if any other celebrities are listening and you want to send the question in then get in touch because we are running thin running out of friends we're running out of friends we only know 70 celebrities so let us know please thank you that's See, that, can I just say right now,

that is why I put my bag on the seat next to us on the train. I know, yeah. I like that going on. I'm trying to think if I've had any embarrassing food moment. The only thing I can think of, and it wasn't me, but do you remember when we went to Hana Hana in Newcastle? Yeah. Which is where the big frying pan thing is in front.

The teppanyaki thing. Yeah, and they do it all there. And they do that egg trick where you've got to flick the egg into your hat. Yeah. My friend Angela did that. And she flicked it so hard that it cracked on the ceiling and went all over my friend Steph. And it was all over her, wasn't it?

It was just full on raw egg all over her face, all over her body. Yeah, it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. It was very funny. I mean, it made worse by the fact that me and you laughed so loud when that happened. So loud. Well, what else are you meant to do in them situations? Do you know what I mean?

I'm not that friend. I'm not that sort, yeah, I would help you. I will laugh. Yeah. And I'd expect my friends to laugh at me if that happened to me. You've got to get laughed at. That's friendship. Can you remember that time we went hannah hannah was it that time or was it a different time we went it was the same time when them lads right so so there was we got there

this is ridiculous so we got there and there was a huge group of lads around the tables like 20 of these lads and they're like so loud and we got there and i was the first one to go god look at them loud fucking knobs over there and we sat down and then i went i'm gonna go to the toilet and you all sit and listen to how loud them lads are and i went to the toilet and like about 10 minutes later you were like them lads have got even louder why are the louder and you looked up and i was in the middle of them with the chef's hat on flicking eggs into me yep yep yep and you were having shots i was having shots they recognized us and they're like and i was like oh lads like i'm annoyed with them when they're being noisy but if the acceptors into their fold i'm over the moon yeah you know did i tell you that was the weirdest thing i ever

heard in my life what i went in the toilet and one of them the one who started talking was said come upstairs and try and flick the hat in your head with the lads I went alright he then said after that on a night out on a Saturday in Newcastle I shit you not he said why don't me and you

go out after this we'll get some shots in I know some good places to go we'll get hammered me and you have you got your passport because we could like end up in Ibiza

it'll be amazing I went I swear to god have you got your passport and I went who takes a passport on a night out he went in his pocket

he had his fucking passport no he didn't I am telling you I am telling you I swear he had his passport he went me and you come on we'll end up in Ibiza

and he whipped his passport out I went absolutely nothing does he work for Ladbible wanting a bit of content do you think that's what he is yeah what the hell amazing

what kind of life is that that's beautiful that like that is that's he's got no kids has he oh he's got no kids he's got nothing him

nothing oh I'd love that imagine oh hey honestly remember the days remember the days where you could

you could have went out and just fucked off on a plane somewhere he's living it he's living it I'm so jealous when he's got kids

he won't even be bothered because he knows he's just fucked off to Ibiza now and then for a laugh. God. One of my food disasters, have we

discussed this on the podcast? Have we discussed the bogey gone here? I don't know. No, I don't know. Anyway, crack on. Rosie once made me

a lovely sort of soup. Was it like a soup? Like a broth thing? It was a vegetable soup. I didn't whiz it up because it just

mushed into itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which sounds very appetising. And I'd never had one before and I was eating it and I took a spoonful and I bit into something that was extremely sort of... Flavourful? It was very flavourful and very sort of tough

and I was chewing it and I was chewing it and I was chewing it and it was like, I'll be honest with you, it was like chewing a bit of tea towel. And I thought, what is this? And you looked at me and you noticed I'd been chewing for what must have been a minute and a half non-stop on the same mouthful of a broth, which shouldn't happen because people with no teeth can eat them. And you said, are you all right?

And I said, I'm chewing something that just keeps chewing and chewing and it's really intense flavour and my eyes were watering and you went, oh, I've left the bouquet gone in, which is essentially, it's like a tea bag full of herbs and i was nearly crying and i just like opened my mouth and it just fell out like a like a mother bird feeding her babies oh that was brilliant and i was shell-shocked for weeks that was a that was a good little moment i laughed a lot i just literally and it just fell out my mouth and I just kept

thinking about it it tasted awful but it was like trying to chew down and eat a bit of kitchen roll it was horrendous it is just a tea bag

it's just got dried herbs in so that was a nightmare congrats thanks for that but guys just so you're listening at home yeah I do cook with

bouquet garnis thank you I know I might sound like an absolute common slag but I'm not well she fucking leaves it in the meal. Quite bad.

So, yeah, she'll cook you a lovely tasting meal, but careful because in a couple of mouthfuls it might taste a bit too tasty. And that's it. Thank you so much for listening. We've had to record this outro a couple of times because I think we may be slightly drunk. Yeah.

But that's fine. It's all good. It's our podcast. I stop recording on the main bit, and then we'll have a minute, and then I press record for the outro, and I just pressed record for the outro, and I pointed at you, and you said hello like you were answering a phone. You just went, hello.

I was like, what the hell is this? Here's a question. Yeah? Who's getting up with Robin? Who's getting up with Robin tomorrow? You, skincheese. Skincheese? Snags.

Oh, I should skincheese. I'm going to have to get up with Robin. Guys, thank you very much for listening. That was episode 17. As usual, if you want to get in touch, shagmarrydilord at gmail.com. Love in your comments. Please rate and subscribe.

Please keep listening. We're loving it. Thank you so much. I love you. Any other listeners? Everybody. Everybody in the world. Everybody in the world.

Even murderers, Rosie world even murderers Rosie even murderers still got feelings fair enough bye The visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game,

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.