Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 172. But what about the pool table?

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie talk hair treatments, massages and builders mugs. The beefs take an interesting turn and the QFTP's cover care packages, a sad ick, lube and a misheard saying. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmar and Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who, I didn't realise, steams his face every time he opens the dishwasher.

How have I never, ever seen this before? Honestly, hello everyone, by the way. You, Rosie, are missing out, and the whole world is missing out. If you don't, when your dishwasher's done, if you don't open it, I did it wrong today, actually, because I opened it all the way. Normally, I only open it like wide enough for my face right

and I don't stick my head right in because I might you know you might burn yourself but just open it enough sort of for the length of my head and then I hold my head over the dishwasher never seen you do it

and all of the steam comes roaring out free bloody face well I thought you were just checking on the smell because it's been a bit smelly recently so I cleaned it all out it's like living with

a fucking police dog I don't smell these smells in our house how not you walk around because it's been a bit smelly recently. So I cleaned it all out the other day. It's like living with a fucking police dog. I don't smell these smells in our house. How not? You walk around like it's haunted with smells. Right, okay. To the point where the other night I was sick and by my tea because it was on the plate

and the plate smelled like the dishwasher. Awful. Like the dirty dishwasher. But it's all clean now. We've salted it and all that. Yeah, we've assaulted it. We've given it a good fucking kick. Given it a good...

Oh, you mean dishwasher salt. Yes. Yeah, but no, if you're... Guys, if you're not having a little dishwasher spa, you've never lived. That's because I've got makeup on, haven't I? Oh, well, why are you jealous of my free daily dishwasher spa?

You should. You should steam your face on a night, you know. Steam your fucking face. Oh, sorry, I thought it was a diss. It's not a diss at all. My mum used to do it, like, nearly every night. Right. Like, with a... you know when you're poorly

and you put did you ever do this when you were a kid you're poorly and you have again poorly word for children not very well

well it was when I was a kid but your mum would do like a bowl of boiling water and she'd put a bit of Vixen or Olbis oil and then you go over with the towel

and you've got to breathe it all in no never do that I've only done that since I've been with you. Oh. Yeah, you remember when I did it? The one time I did it when I didn't feel well, I felt like I'd put too much

in and I felt like I'd hurt myself. Well, because you put far too much in and you'd like burn the back of your throat. You've got to... Go hard or go home. So basically, what if I put a jar of Vicks in the dishwasher for three hours on a hot cycle and then open up the dishwasher and... I mean, there's your steam room save yourself thousands

fantastic so there we go look at us steam rooms are monkey i'm not a fan of steam rooms saunas yes infrared sauna nice well never infrared sauna there's no germs in infrared sauna there's not really any germs in it well there is some germs in a sauna but a steam room is literally every it's like someone is just constantly doing hot sneezes in the air every time i go in a steam room i'm ill every single time they're not great i come out of a steam room i feel hung over i feel like shit yeah it's really really bad but infrared sauna kills all the germs in the air does it yeah because when covid sort of restriction stopped i was in a hotel and i was in an infrared sauna and some guy was sitting in the corner giving it large about how i'm glad the sauna's open again but this one could have been open the whole time because it's the safest place to be

don't they help you lose weight as well infrared saunas i don't know all the housewives have got them the real housewives right okay oh well yeah i mean i don't i wouldn't take them as as sort of i wouldn't take medical advice everything they weight off them. I listen. Yeah. Great. I lost 400 pounds sitting in my infrared sauna. But is it not just water retention? Do you not just sweat it out and then you put it back on

if you drink the water? Oh, I've got no idea. Probably. Because you know, like UFC fighters and boxers, they go into like saunas and that and they strip weight but all of it,

it's just water. They just basically sweat everything off them and then they go on the scales and they look fucking ripped and then the next night they look normal because how much weight we're talking water puts on look you are mainly water really yeah but they can drink a lot of pounds and pounds and pounds that can lose yeah like yeah yeah like the dehydrate themselves then they hydrate up again

okay there's a ufc fighter called darren till he's like fucking hydrate up that's a ridiculous thing he's like 70 pounds heavier the night the day after right I can't I know I said pounds before but I don't know what pounds are I do you know when you watch an American program they're like I weigh such and such pounds and you're like how what's that in stone I also don't know I'm just pretending I sound like I don't know but all I'm doing is copying off what the commentators have said I don't know what it means I've got converted in my phone what do kids use now what are they learning no what is it metric what's metric yeah metric metrics metrics uh oh god kilograms oh grams and kilograms is that what robin's gonna know i don't know he said something really intelligent today was it today or yesterday

listen to how surprised you are oh my no but it was like what Chris you were there and we had to pretend that we that we knew what he was talking about what did he say man I don't know

oh shit should have wrote it down he said something crazy intelligent and I was like whoa right oh

we were singing right um chicken wing chicken wing hot dog and bologna chicken and macaron macaroni, chilling with my homies. And he said something, and I don't even know what it is, but he said that's a simile. They all end in similes, is that right?

Right. Something like that. Oh, he said that, all of that. Chicken and macaroni, chicken and macaroni, chilling with my homie. And he went, oh, they're all such and such. And I went, yeah, they are. Could have been. I was like, and he went oh they're all such and such and I went yeah they are could have been I was like shit

well they're not assimilators if something's like something but I think he was talking about the fact that they all end at E yeah so he was wrong do you know he can spell big letters what do you mean like he spells Minecraft the other day

and he was like M I N say I can't even do it I have to stop it M I N E C R E F T yeah actually I can't do that I can't spell big letters

I have to do little ones in my head and then quickly convert them as I'm talking. So you go, M-I-T-T-E? Yeah. C-R-E-F-T-E? Yeah, so I go, No, you don't.

I swear to God, I don't. Oh, God damn! Yeah. Actually. Yeah, I do little letters. Is it Nick? I do little letters, but he can do big letters.

I'm blown away by him. Yeah, he's very clever. He's going to, that kid, right, he's going to make a mockery of us. Oh, he's going to be runningery of us oh he's gonna be running circles around us soon when he comes home

with homework we're just gonna be like I've got no idea ring your granddaddy I'm gonna have to pretend I'm ill yeah I'm gonna have to say I've got work

and I'm just gonna go and sit in the car until he goes to bed sit in the car on the drive we might have to have a word with the teachers might have to ring up

and go look bless her this look you can't be sending hard homework back with us let him stay and do it at school because there's no

give us your mobile number give us your mobile number and I'll get you a ring because I'm not having this like so my two best friends are teachers Steph and Angela

they're only up to year 6 Uncle Carl Carl Hutchinson he was A level maths he was comp A level maths we're covered man we're alright

yeah he's got a PGCE in maths and all that stuff yeah he'd be brilliant let's hope Rafe's not that come on Rafe do your maths will you Robin sorry son

Robin you're on your own nerd guys thank you so much for listening it is episode 172 172 Rosie one more than the last one can you believe it's happening can you believe it thank you so much for listening it is episode 172 172 Rosie me my word one more than the last one can you believe it's happening

it's just so much can you believe it and this week's sponsor it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor now the sponsor this week they've been in touch it's very important

I've got it's a jingle I've got to do it word for word you've got you've wrote a jingle it's a jingle I've got to do it word for word now listen

it's fine this time don't you're getting it's just for the sponsor and it's not even to their own why you why are you trying to take me jingle it's to the tune of everything is awesome by um from the lego movie yeah it's to the tune of everything is awesome from the tune no oh and uh stop trying to get involved stopped it's specific i've got the email here from the sponsor it specifically says that rosie can't be involved or it's null and void and we gotta give all the money back. All the money for this lucrative sponsor. Every penny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every single penny has got to be back. Now, it may be something I've touched on before in the body of the podcast. It definitely hasn't been a sponsor because they got in touch

and they said this definitely hasn't been a sponsor. Oh, God. Are you ready? Ready for this week's lucrative sponsor? I'm excited. It's the mug

you give the builders. They aren't broken or chipped or anything else but they're the mugs you give the builders. They aren't broken or chipped or anything else, but they're the mugs you give the builders. So you won't use them yourself. I love it. I love it.

Contractually, I've got to do it twice. I can harmonise. Ready? Right, yeah. One, two, three three it's the mug you give the builders they aren't broken or chipped or anything else they're the mugs you give the builders so you won't use them yourself there you go yeah you're totally right yeah there's a few there's a good few mugs in there that i've never seen my lips someone in this house i don't

know who it was because i'm away a lot, it was either my parents or your mum or even possibly you, gave the gardener my favourite cup. Oh, shit. The world's ruined. Oh, shit.

Which one was it? It was me big Starbucks mug with London written on. I got it when I did Strictly. Fucking, it's, it's, it's bloody,

it was on the bench outside in the pissing down rain for about three days until I saw it and I thought, that's fucking ruined. Ruined. I don't care how good the dishwasher smells. Steamy.

It's ruined my mug, that. Not wrong with a gardener. Lovely bloke. Do you think it's just because it's lived outside? It's the mug you give the builder. You just can't explain it. Once it's been given to the builders or the plumber or the electric director, lovely blokes, all ladies. Ruined. Do you know I'm down to one cup? Yeah. Once it's been given to the builders, or the plumber, or the electric director, lovely blokes, all ladies, ruined.

Do you know I'm down to one cup? Yeah. You know me Dunelm ones, the grey ones. We're down to two wine glasses as well. Oh, what the f... What? We've been smashing them like no one's business. Mazel tov! Just, I don't know what's going on.

Fucking, we're idiots. Very fragile-y. Yeah, they are fragile-y. But yeah, there we go. Okay. Not that jingle. A different jingle now. Our yeah, there we go. Okay. So, not that jingle. A different jingle now. Our jingle.

Play the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo babadoo babadoo bab, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed, lovely to have you back guys.

Welcome back, just as the jingle was playing there, Rosie had a quick word with us, we're both worried we're going to get cancelled now for saying that you won't use the same mug that you give the builders. No, I didn't mean it like that, it's just well my my husband worked my husband my brother which husband's this you're talking about as if i'd have what more than one husband honest to god absolutely not um no my brother works in the trade and i never you know i don't want to upset them but yeah you're right you're right everyone has got you've got the cups that you give guests you've got the cups that you drink you've got your own cup your own mug and you've got the mugs that you give guests. You've got the cups that you drink. You've got your own cup, your own mug. And you've got the mugs that you give anyone who comes around to do any work. And I will fight that to the death.

I'm not bothered. Do you want to tell everyone listening how you took a little bit of a huff last night because I wanted to use your water bottle for bed? Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. You used my Peloton bottle last night. Is it actually a Peloton bottle? No, no, it's not Peloton.

I think you can get them but it's like I just got it from Halfords it's just like a plastic podium one but it is amazing it's a squeezy bottle but more squeezy bottles it comes out in a thin line

but they've done something to it where you squeeze it and like a full fucking mouthful gets hoided in your eye like a bwaah god I love it I've got a thermal one and I've got a normal one

and you took the normal one to bed and I'm raging I mean why there's no honestly there's no sort of respect for anyone's drinking receptacles around this house but yeah and you took the normal one to bed and I'm raging. I mean, why? Honestly, there's no sort of respect for anyone's drinking receptacles around this house.

But yeah, it's a free-for-all down there. Robin just be sick or coughs and then during the night just grabs my drinking thing and just starts necking my water through my straws and stuff. Rafe's the worst. Rafe's got about 24 different bottles

going at the same time. Crazy. Little sippy cups and then he wants to always drink out of my cup. Yeah. But then I'm like, right, okay, then we'll have a little drink.

Pours it all over himself. He's an idiot. He's a baby. How dare you? Didn't we go in the toy chest the other day? The toy basket. And right at the bottom there was a milk. I found a bottle of milk.

Yeah, a sippy cup full of milk. It's safe to say I just threw the bottle away. It must have been there for ages. Because it was absolutely rotten. I was like, I can't even wash this. There would be no... It just wouldn't have worked. It was shocking.. I was like, I can't even wash this. There would be no... It just wouldn't have worked. It was shocking.

No. Could have given it to the builders. Oh. I'm joking. Builders, I'm joking. Don't cancel this. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So I discovered I had a new talent this morning.

Right. Do I know this? Yeah, you know. Yeah, you were there. I'm telling the listeners. What? I'm now a certified extension removal guy

oh sorry right right extensions out okay this yeah yeah okay I didn't know

I talked about my extensions again yeah well yeah it's all it's all it's all it's been fucking talking about I can't wait till the TV show finishes

and you get them out and you shut up about it and then and then honestly and then I know for a fact you'll be like I miss me extensions I probably will I think I'm going bald why haven't I got any hair do you know I'm fact you'll be like I miss me extensions I probably will

I think I'm going bald why haven't I got any hair do you know I'm now at the point where I'm terrified to say me old hair again because I'm like was me hair really shit

you're talking about like now I'm used to them I am like oh god yeah me hair's shit innit what's gonna happen when I take all this out

how much hair did I have I can't even I can't remember my old hair it's not that bad you didn't come back with like a fucking

lion's mane when you went and got them done like it just looks a little bit thicker but I took one out I got a pair of pliers took one out

so just sorry just a bit the fourth wall here we record this on a Monday right so as we record this

episode five of the TV show will be going out tonight with Tom and Giovanna Fletcher so as you listen to this on Friday that will will have already been out yeah then monday coming is the the final episode so basically as this comes out on friday we will have finished recording yes so we record on wednesday thursday is our first night of not recording the tv show when we're

finished how am i how am i celebrating i'm booked in to take all your extensions out on thursday night aren't i no no i, no one's forcing you. That's literally what you said. You were like, Thursday night, can you take them out? Well, I tell you what, okay, I'll go to the hairdressers and get them to do it. It'll just take ages. It took me 20 seconds to get one out. Yeah, so I would just, can you just do it then?

Yeah, but how's it going to take them so long? Well, it might not, but I don't know. Right. I just, I feel like if I hurt you, you'll get upset. She did say she had a special gadget to take them out. Right. But is the special gadget just a pair of pliers? I don't know, because it made some horrible crunching noises when I was doing it.

But that's not me hair, though, is it? That's just the ring thing. No, it's the metal ring thing. Yeah. Yeah. I hope you can get them all. What if you can't get some of them? That's the thing.

I might just end up leaving one. You'll end up with one long extra bit, like fucking Ewan McGregor in Star Wars The Phantom Menace. Well, planet. No, I think you'll end up with a long one long extra bit like fucking ewan mcgregor in star wars the phantom menace well planet no i think you'll be fine i would just rather do them in the comfort of my own home right and you you can do them we'll watch telly together while you're doing it great something that you don't want to watch though so i'll just i'm a bit obsessed at the minute with work and mums on netflix i really enjoy that i think it's the most real sort of what's the word depiction is that right yes but again i don't know is it well you have to get i don't know i don't know what you're gonna say okay so i just mean it's the most realist sort of depiction of

motherhood yeah yeah yeah oh get in no you nailed it yeah oh yes yeah no it's really it's very real and it's very and i'm it's very funny it's very funny. I'm really enjoying it. So I'll watch that. You take my hair extensions out. Great. A little hair massage. They do a head massage. You want a head massage as well?

A bit of hairdressers, yeah. Great. Yeah. I don't like getting my hair, I've talked about this before, I don't like getting my hair washed at the hairdressers. Why? I find it weird.

I don't know, I just find it really strange. You sit next to a stranger, there's another stranger washing your hair, and they go, do you want a head massage? And you're like, well, I don't want to say yes, because I sound like a pervert, but I don't want to say no, because because i'm like i'm not slagging off

your head massaging abilities i'm sure you're brilliant at it but you're usually pretty good at it like i came in for a fucking trim not for a wash and a blow dry and a fucking head massage mate just trying to they're just trying to make a nice business you know what i mean but it's no it's no extra yeah it's a nice business but i'm not paying it's not on me bill if i get a head massage it takes them five minutes and they've got to fondle me head for a bit and it's not extra you can say no well i do say no but then i feel like i'm slagging off the massage abilities always give us a weird look as if to go well i didn't want a massage what are you trying to say i'm not trying to say anything have i ever told you the story of when i went so this is years ago right and there was a hairdresser's in

sunderland because i'm sure there's still i'm sure there's still loads no well yeah okay but it was a posh one right so for years i just didn't have a proper hairdresser. I just kind of went anywhere. Because I worked away from home and I was just all over the place. Then I did my hair myself for a long time and absolutely not get it. Sorry, you used to cut your hair yourself? No, I didn't cut it for a month. When I worked abroad, I used to dye it myself.

Right, okay. And it damaged. Oh, the damage. The damage was real, right? It was very very very bad I went to this posh hairdresser's for the first time

I must have only been about 19 right or 20 and I was laying doing my hair and then they like whispered in my ear right

I don't think I've ever told you this it was the weirdest thing ever and this last whisper in my ear she was like do you want a treatment

and I was like what she was like it's £8 extra for a treatment and i was like what she's like it's eight pound extra for a treatment and then she started telling us all this stuff about the treatment but the way she did it i was like are you a happy doing this on the sly all right oh jesus happy ending quick frig no what she was gonna give me a quick frig a quick frig a quick quid quick flick of the bean for eight quid i mean eight quid flick of the bean 8 quid 8 quid

flick of the bean you're happy she's happy what about me hair that's it I don't think I don't think you get happy endings in hairdressers

depends how busy they are anyway right stop I think she might have been running a separate little a little game on the side right

that you didn't want a boss to know about these treatments so you think she's potting so what you're going to have to explain what a treatment is. It's like a posh shampoo. I think it costs a little bit extra on your bill.

Right, okay. But the way she whispered it, mate, yeah, was so odd. She's cleaned them out of the stockroom. She's got them in her bag. Maybe. And she's doing it herself. Right, and then charging... And then she's charging new cash on top.

And then taking, yeah. And put your £30 on the car... It was just the way she whispered it. There was no need to whisper. There was hardly anyone there. It was literally me. I was like, do you want a treatment? And I was like, what?

And I was like, you, because I didn't know what a treatment was. And then she was like, it's £8 extra. And it's just to make your hair lovely and silky soft. This is horrible. It was horrible. That experience was horrible. Did you get the treatment? I don't think I did, no.

I know. Because I was not very well. Eight quid when you got any money. Yeah, I was skint as out. I was like, mate, this whole hairdresser's is more expensive than I am. So you think she's making money on the side?

Well, she must have been because there was no way. Because in real, like now the hairdresser, my hairdresser's like, do you want a treatment this week what do i like normal conversation and because i'm getting older and that and i'm like i will have one it could only be worse if she'd written on a little post-it note and handed you

it that's what it felt like yeah i've just never told anyone else that story before it's all right and it was really weird now okay thank you i feel better now i've got it you didn't get the treatment didn't get the treatment no stand down l the treatment. You didn't get that liquid treatment. No. Stand down, lads. Stand down. Lads, she hasn't copped to it this week. Stand down.

Everyone, not off for the day. They were waiting outside to come in. Why would I have got done? Receiving stolen goods. No, I don't think it was stolen goods. Hold on, lads. Lads, lads. Hold on, lads.ads hold on lads stay on the stay vigilant

the story's wavering here lads it's wavering no um uh did i never tell you about when i used to do the comedy clubs right when i used to work the comedy clubs every weekend there used to be a club in newcastle called the hyena and it was uh it was rough it was notoriously rough no no the hyena and it was rough. It was notoriously rough. Isn't that still there? No, no, the hyena's not there anymore. Basically, it had what you call, the setup was the worst setup you can have for comedy is Viking tables. Right? Explain Viking tables. Viking tables is big

long, imagine big long Harry Potter style tables. Awful, why would you have that? Well, because the problem is, everyone's I mean, there is actually worse if you're at a corporate the worst is a big round tables of 10 it's a big round tables of 10 because they're all facing each other they're not looking at the stage obviously theater seating is the best cabaret seating is okay but if they have to have a table in front of them weirdly the best setup is boring as fuck but the best setup is almost like an exam glee club in birmingham and cardiff do it best it's like sort of fanned out almost exam

tables it's fucking great anyway big shout out the glee clubs but um the hyena used to have these viking tables i remember i was comparing one weekend so i'm hosting and the other comics are coming on and i went in and there was this like this raucous as fuck table all these blokes there's about 30 blokes on this massive long table well viking tables even number yeah on the 30 yeah yeah must have been 30 huge right and it was a stag do i found out and the stag was running on the table the length of the table pouring vodka from two bottles into the mouths of his mates awful as they're all sitting there and they just run along the table and uh i went to the bar guy i was like what the fuck's going on there i was like where did you get that and the bar guy was like yeah come here he's like

i'll swipe them both from the stock room and i'll sell them them both for 50 quid then bottles he was like i've made myself 50 quid i was like you fucking ruined the night you were for your 50 quid you were fucking destroyed this night whole table got kicked out did the whole table got kicked out during the show yeah but he was buzzing that he'd nicked it do you know what i mean that's so bad yeah it's really bad yeah yeah why is he telling you that because he was buzzing he'd made 50 quid but i was like you've made 50 quid but you've completely ruined the night because you've now got 30 full-on drunk off pure vodka yeah nutters oh it was horrible god it was rough they used to take a bond off them at high you know so they would come in and it would be like you'd pay for your

tickets and then they'd all have to pay 20 quid each on top and if they misbehaved or got kicked out they lost their 20 quid like an insurance policy I hate these places that it's just like

why can't people just behave for like a couple of hours I always never understand because the fucking barman's selling them bottles of two bottles of vodka for 50 quid a pop

the thing I don't understand right is when people can't behave in pubs and restaurants or whatever, right? When they go mental on stag do's or hen do's or whatever

and you're like, you work in an office? Yeah. You've got a respectable job. Most of these people have careers. Yeah. And you just,

what's the matter with you? People got to cut loose, man. People got to cut loose. Oh, but some people cut loose a bit too much. Tell you the worst. Tell you the worst. Teachers.

Teachers. Teachers. I knew you were going to say that. Absolutely. A group of teachers on a night out. Keep me away. Carnage. Oh my God.

Carnage. That's funny. Absolute carnage. Another thing as well. Did I ever tell you, you're talking about the treatment. Did I ever tell you when I went for a massage? Happy ending?

No happy ending. Have you ever had a happy ending? I've never had a happy ending. Thank God I've never been offered a happy ending no because I have no idea how I would react you'd take it

I don't think I would like no I don't think I would no not even back in the day when I was single I just don't think I could plus I'd be like

I can smell them oils and I think they might sting like well I sure you would know if you go into some way if they do a happy ending I feel like it happy ending I feel like

it's yeah I feel like the vibes are given out yeah but I I was once and it was me

and my girlfriend at the time went for a massage and we're on it was quite a nice place right and we're on

and we're in for a couple's massage so we're both in the same room getting a massage the lady massaging her and the lady

massaging me just having a chat. What do you mean? But whispering. Chatting about the night like they were planning the night out. Shut up.

But it was like So this is so we're like No. That's so bad. But it's literally like this right so genuinely this is what it's like.

Okay. And I was like and I'm going can I fucking hear this and they're like basically mouthing at each other but you can hear their mouths it was fucking horrible that is so bad

it was the worst I just lay there it was like lying in an office while two people were having a big crack on that's horrendous yeah yeah speaking of having them

I had a massage for god too long first world problems do one Speaking of having had a massage for, God, too long. First world problems. Due one. I haven't had a massage for ages. Don't like a full body. No. Just like a neck and a back one.

Right. Full body. Just gets weird, I think. Yeah. And then you lie there and you're like, are they going to do there? Do they do there? Are they going to do me hand?

And I just can't rest. I come out of a massage. I know you fully fall asleep don't you yeah but if I fall asleep I'm fine if I don't fall asleep I come out tenser

than when I went in because I just the whole thing I find it weird and oh my god if I don't remember to tell them not to touch me feet

they're gonna lose some fucking teeth if I don't remember to go think of any areas I don't know sometimes you go I'll remember

and I'll go don't touch me feet I'm ticklish but then they'll go and they'll just touch me feet and I'll go, don't touch my feet, I'm ticklish. But then they'll go and they'll just touch my feet and my leg will just fire up and they're like, oh, no touching feet then? And I'm like, oh, sorry. Am I worse?

Like, you know when they say, tell us if it's too hard? I never do. No? And then I just, I mean, I can... You have a horrible time. I have a horrible time. So I'm like, lying there going, just tell them it's too hard and I just can't, can't do it.

What's the matter with this? It is a weird thing, a massage. You know, every time you go for one, we only ever do, most people, we only ever do it

on special occasions. Do you know what I mean? Unless you're a fucking sports person or an athlete, you're not getting a massage. But they always go, you need to come regularly. I go,

I do, aye. I need to come regularly, do I? They never say that to me. 80 quid. Right, but I better fucking need to come regularly, mate.

They never said that to me. No? You might be all naughty and tense. Well, good, good. How are you? Hello, Chris Ramsey. Pleased to meet you.

Yeah, you're like a bloody walking hanging on board. I'm like a walking hanging on board. What a terrible insult. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hey, Rosie.

Yes? Do you know how we love asking people to vote for stuff? Always. We're bloody doing it again. Oh, for God's sake. We are doing it again. I can't believe it.

What now? What is it now? You guys listening, you lucky bastards. I genuinely don't think there's any other podcast that gives you so much homework that you'll love. Guys, we've been long-listed for a TV Choice Award for the Chris and Rosie Ramsey Show. And even if you just love the podcast and you hate the TV show,

just take a second to go on and vote with all your email addresses why not we appreciate it a lot yes tvchoicemagazine.co.uk or just google tvchoiceawards and we're in the entertainment category

it would be bloody lovely if it could vote is there an awards ceremony again as I've promised with other awards in the past I don't know if I've officially said it

on the podcast but it's a night I wouldn't go to if we get shortlisted can we get Larry if we win celebrations all round if we lose get Larry make a scene can't but it's a night I wouldn't go to if we get shortlisted can we get Larry if we win celebrations all round if we lose

get Larry make a scene can't wait everyone's a winner everyone is a winner baby that's the truth that's it good

I'm going to practice me smashing up a table stuff for when we don't win great thanks in advance thank you babadoo babadoo babadoo bah Babadoo babadoo bah! Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca.

That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

It's all. No, no, don't. The first Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch

your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for what's your beef ladies first okay my beef with you christopher can i just say as well before you start we're living together now all the time the only time we get apart really is when we go to separate beds on a night. We're working together doing the TV show or traveling down the country together. I'd be very surprised if you've got a beef with me because I feel like I'm in that whole being together all the time, working together. I'd be very surprised if you've got a beef. Is it the best?

Yeah, yeah. Very good. I can't believe you've narrowed it down to just one. No, because, well, a lot of my beef is that you have not learned from the past 170-odd episodes. You still do most of the stuff that we've talked about. Yeah, well, yeah. Still doing all the time. Trying to just give you content.

You, so this is my beef, whenever we leave the house, I'll say, it's a bit chilly, I want to get a jacket or a coat, and you say, no, you don't need one. And I believe you for some reason, and then I'm cold when I'm out. And I'm really, I hate that. No, I hate that. You just assume you don't need a jumper. And I'm like, but I feel like I do.

And you're like, you don't. And I'm like, well, I think I do. You do it all the time. I can't believe this has happened. Why? Because do you want to hear my beef? What? My beef is, whenever we leave the house

to go anywhere your main override and fear that you bang on about non-stop that you ask me non-stop is will I be called?

fucking I hear being called it's doing me nothing honestly it's doing me nothing you did it yesterday so much we get to the front door and you go and you just change

you go upstairs and you fully get changed like we are trekking to the fucking himalayas every time we leave the house you're gonna be cool what's a what's a night what's chris what's the weather you're holding your phone but i've got to go on the app what's it like where we're going but will it be but it says that but will it be is it taking the wind don't trust it will i be cold what did you do last week you took a big massive fucking Arsene Wenger

Arsenal manager puffer jacket to London and what did you do you fucking carried it around all day I told you you didn't need it you carried it around all day

and then on the way back I had to literally wrestle it and get it into your case for the way back because you didn't fucking need it but I had it though

just in case horrible awful way to go on I don't like being cold don't like being wet don't like being cold. Mad. I don't like being wet. I don't like being cold. And I don't actually like being too hot either. So I just hate all of it.

I've been goldie lost. This is an odd time of year though. Apparently this week it's going to be flipping 30 degrees in London. That'll be right. Can't work it out. It always happens on my travelling days. So again, first world problems here. You've got to dress for three climates.

You have to dress for what it's going to be like in Newcastle in the morning. Then you have to dress for what it's going to be like on the train. Then you have to dress for what it's going to be like in newcastle in the morning then you have to dress for what it's going to be like on the train then you have to dress for what it's going to be like in london it's a fucking nightmare and reverse that for coming back but yeah honestly rosie i just laugh now every time i do it we leave the house oh will i be cold what will i need shall i take a bit it's like fucking blaring sunshine outside and you're like all right i'll put me long johns on well hang on a minute do you want to tell the story of yesterday when you put on

an orange t-shirt which was actually quite nice Robin even complimented you and said you look nice and then two minutes later you were changed into a black

and you went I just can't wear colours I can't wear bright colours what's the matter with you honestly I don't know what it is I can't wear bright colours I see you hanging up

I see someone else in bright colours I go I actually love you I put it on I walk past the mirror I go oh fucking there he is on I walk past the mirror I go oh fucking there he is on the bridge

of the Starship Enterprise there he is fucking first first mate or whatever on Star Trek do you remember what you said to Robin this is just pure

parenting isn't it you said to Robin you went I'm really I really appreciate your compliment Robin and you know what I was so chuffed

that you said I'm going to keep it for a special occasion because he said I look really smart he said you look dad you're dressed really smart you look really really smart and i was like oh man that's so lovely but kids it's a bright orange it's a bright orange t-shirt i feel like a fucking children's presenter so i have to say i only like wearing it was nice monochrome or like dark green and honestly everything else i will i'll do a

cream chino i will do a cream chino and a white trainer but white gray black or like a a sort of greeny dark you know what you like you know what you like i fucking hate bright colors i can't stitch stitch fix try to make us do the whole bright color thing and i wore them for a bit when it was sunny and then i was like i can't do this if i've got something to do nah forget it okay it might just be the mood that you're in at the minute you know summer's coming it's getting some colour eh I don't want to

I don't want to babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh

public guys as always if you want to get in touch here to shag mardenoid at gmail.com please continue to send us everything

your stories your would you rather's we haven't had some of them for a while I do love a would you rather your confessions for the TV show and for here

although there's only one episode really left of the TV show to be recorded but yes be lovely I've got an ick here you've got an ick

fantastic I love that you're sick hi Rosie and Chris massive ick for you Prince Charles called the Queen mummy at the Jubilee and I bet Camilla dried up

like a prune. For God's sake! I was also nearly sick and I swear if an adult I was dating called their mum Mummy, they'd be gone. Wow. That's a fair point. It is true. Grown women who call their dad Daddy.

I used to know one of them. Society has removed the word daddy from adult vocabulary unless you're talking about someone who's fucking you. You can't talk about your... You can't say daddy. If you're a grown-up and you're at the age of having sex,

you cannot call your dad daddy because no one knows if you're talking about your daddy or your daddy. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, who's saying that? Horrible. Absolutely horrible. Who's saying it in a sexual way

or daddy that's what's going on that's what people say awful that like awful I saw an incredible the ick so again right

like in comedy people always slag people off for going sort of men do this women do this difference between dogs and cats but the ick thing seems to be

women have a lot more icks than men yeah massively straight women have so many more icks about men. Mm-hmm. Yeah, massively. Straight women have so many more ics about men than straight men have about women. Yeah, because men will, and men will fuck anything.

Right, well, that's harsh. Nothing really puts them off. It's true. Right. I know what you mean. But I saw an ick the other day that is, it blew me mind. Okay.

Someone sent us it. Someone sent us it. I don't know who you are. I'm so sorry. I'm rubbish at all this, but you basically sent us a link to your TikTok, and it was a TikTok video of her talking about her ick. Do you know what her ick was?

It was a female. It was a girl. And her ick was when he likes me back. Oh. She for real? Like, what are we supposed to do? No, I think that's a very specific person with a very specific ick. I think...

I would call that not much self-confidence. When he likes me back. Yeah. So that was the ick. That's not right. The ick was when he likes me back. No. So she'll fancy a guy,

and then he fancies her back, and he's like, oh, I like your back. And she's like, oh, I'm not bothered anymore. No, I don't like you anymore. Yeah. Oh, some people... I've had that happen to me in the past I've had that happen to me

a girl fancies when I was younger and now I'm like oh great I fancy you too and she's like I'm not that arsed some people just like the chase yeah

some people love the chase so much and then once the chase is gone they're like nah actually unbelievable I don't

I'm all for the comfort I'm tired of running let us sit down for a year enough of this chasing each other round I can't be arsed with that would you like

a question? I would love a question more of a story actually dear Chris and Rosie Ramsey love the podcast, listened since day one always wanted to write in but never had a story worthy until I heard episode 163 and the one night stand toothbrush

and after I had had three glasses of wine. One night stand toothbrush? I can't remember. Fucking hell, rubbish. I know. Can't remember. And that wasn't even that far back. Anyway, they've had three glasses of wine.

Fantastic. Should be some great writing here. In my early 20s I was a bit of a slag great who used to go out most weekends looking for a conquest

well one weekend on a night out I ended up getting the eyes from this guy who was seriously fit so after putting on my own charm

one thing led to another and I ended up going back to his his flat was very nice so I was fully involved once we got into his a glass of wine was poured and the usual happened.

Sims hide under the covers and the fireworks fly. Is that a thing? On the game, the Sims, when they start having sex, they just disappear under the covers. Oh, okay, okay. Because obviously they don't show you on a child's computer game two little computer people banging each other's brains out. Right, nice.

It's not a thing that they want to show. Well, they'd have to put the rating up. Yeah, or like in Grand Theft Auto, where you pick up a prostitute and you pull in badly and your car just starts rocking, but you don't see anything. Awful.

Why is the prostitute on there? Grand Theft Auto. Horrible game. Great. Cut to the next morning. We wake up and have the usual morning after a hungover one-night stand fondling chat. I then say I'm going to go jump in the shower

and head off. I'm covered in cum, by the way. I look like a plaster of radio. Jeez, that got dropped in. Fucking hell. What, from the night before

or from the morning? What's he doing? Just from everything, yeah. Come on, I'll have the place. Gee whiz. As I get up and head out of the bedroom,

he shouts, open the bottom drawer in the cabinet. That should sort you out. I was perplexed. What was I going to find in said cabinet? Oh, these mysteries, mysteries, mysteries.

As I walked in the bathroom, I saw the cabinet. I opened the bottom drawer, worrying what I might see. I opened it, and what I saw was three or so folded gloss white carrier bags, in brackets, the ones you get your programmes in at the theatre. There was three folded up little see-through carrier bags. Right. Okay. No, she says they're gloss white. This is a blo Right. Okay. No, she says they're gloss white.

This is a bloke, by the way. He says they're gloss white. Oh, well, gloss white, just the carrier bags. So not see-through, sorry, that's mine. Carrier bags. So A4 size carrier bags. Yeah. Right. Three of them folded up. Right. I grabbed a bag and... Sorry, so this is two fellas. Two fellas. So he's covered in both their cum. Yeah.

That makes sense. Did you think she was just covered in his cum in I thought it was a woman just covered in and I was like why are you bragging about how many but there's two lots this makes sense

two spunk loads two factories for the spunk yes exactly great I grabbed a bag and opened it what did I find

inside the bag was a cheap manual toothbrush a plain black t-shirt and what looked like a pair of Marks and Spencers underway

was I shocked disgusted or impressed? No fucking way. He's got a one night stand. Care package. Care package. That, wow. Wow. Wow.

Well, I showered, brushed my teeth, put on my fresh t-shirt and underwear and went back in the bedroom to pick up and put on my other clothes and say goodbye. As I walked in, he said, found the care package then. I gave him a kiss, put my dirty clothes into the care package bag and left his flat and into my Uber with my slut party bag. As an engineer, I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it. A part of me says he's very organised and respectful and the other side thinks he's a Hugh Hefner style sleazy prick.

Wow. Would love to hear your thoughts. Lots of love. I mean, you didn't kick off and storm out of there. No. You didn't kick off and storm out of there, mate. You put the kegs on. You put the t-shirt on.

Toothbrush as well. Toothbrush as well. It's the fact that there's three of them in the drawer. That's it. I personally, right, I think it's the fact that there's like there's three of them in the draw that's it i personally right i think it's awful but i could have done with that 15 year ago right so here's the point right that could have easily just been a conversation of hey look if you want i've got a brand new pack in a box out there yeah he's probably sick of having that conversation

though yeah well that's the thing so he's having that conversation so much that it's just like oh there's a care package yeah he's like in the bottom drawer mate

you help yourself have a lovely day see you later take care wow I quite like it yeah I mean it's confident it's extremely confident

and I really think that I think it'll be harder for a straight bloke to get away with that yeah yeah mainly because it's a nightmare to find anything I really think that I think it would be harder for a straight bloke to get away with that yeah yeah mainly because it's a nightmare

to find anything you want to wear what size are you yeah how would you get the size there's a t-shirt no it's not I don't like the cut

of the neckline on it the sleeves are a bit long it's a bit baggy can I tuck it oh my god just go yeah I don't think a straight is weird isn't it isn't it funny I don't think it's true. It's weird, isn't it?

Isn't it funny? Yeah, I don't think they'd get away with that. Yeah. But like I say, would have come in handy. Yeah. Fair play.

You might have invented something there. I know. If you know you're a bit of a slag and you have loads of one night stands, it's actually quite thoughtful. And to be fair, yeah.

And the person who you've just had sex with upon meeting for one night can't really get offended because you go, well, you're fucking here, aren't you? Yeah. Hey, go and have a look at all the cum on yourself in the mirror

and then tell me that I'm wrong. That's the thing. That's the thing. You're both there doing the dirty on the one night stand. He's actually just helped you out a little bit. Yeah, I like it. I like it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

This kind of leads on to this question. Okay. Okay, so let's see what you think of this. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Regular listener, first-time emailer. Please keep this anonymous. I've been seeing this girl for a while now, and it is going well.

Some work colleagues were talking about relationships the other day, and I was overhearing their chat. They brought up the dilemma of lube. Right. One said that they buy a new bottle of lube every time they are with a new girl. They say it is to avoid the partner feeling uncomfortable about using a half-used bottle of lube. My question is, is it normal to buy a new bottle of lube for every time that you have a new partner? Surely that's a complete waste of money.

What? So my thought of this, right, is how deep are you looking into things because that you could say that about like you know box of condoms yeah you could say you could you might get with a guy right and he's got a box of condoms that's half empty and you go oh you've used them with somebody else exactly or one that he's just give a rinse one condom that he's just had under the tap and rinsed and used again stop why

where did that come from well it's the same thing I've used that condom or something well I give it a rinse well how are you then you are really lowering the old comedy standards here

that was bad that was really bad alright man I wasn't expecting a review a live podcast review honestly one star waste of two pound

what was two pound the ticket for my gig two pound failed gigs two fucking how dare you two pound

how dare you anyway what do you think about the half used bottle of lube I don't know why people are using lubes on one night

on one night girlfriends man with girlfriends so how quickly are you changing girlfriends that your lubes on one night on one night as it be girlfriends man with girlfriends so how quickly are you changing girlfriends that your lubes half full so how

so what so that they're getting halfway through lube with a girl and then they're yeah buy a new

bottle of lube yeah do you think but then why is that other girl looking into it but then again I don't

I've been asked some mad questions me time so I don't know but yeah oh it's oh oh but then you have to have the awkward thing of going mad questions me time so I don't know but yeah oh it's oh oh

but then you have to have the awkward thing of going did you use that lube with an ex or girlfriend you go no it's just me wanting lube and you go oh

oh yeah I think lube is more popular nowadays is it more on the mainstream now I think so yeah I thought it was just for when you got older

right and it was less frisky I thought it was just to get it out the way quicker oh god it's like quick quick we haven't got long now this is grim bit of lube is less frisky. I thought it was just to get it out the way quicker. Oh, God. It's like, quick, quick. We haven't got long now.

This is grim. Bit of lube, smash it in. Whereas, like, you know, when you've got a new girlfriend, you've got time to do all that foreplay stuff. Exactly. What are you using lube for? That's what I find strange.

Lubey lube. But then I suppose when you get to the point where you're going to use it, you do still have that half bottle of lube. Yeah, because I don't think it goes out of date.

Listen, guys, just take it to bottle of lube. Yeah, because I don't think it goes out of date. Listen, guys, just take it to your local lube recycling centre, right? Empty the lube into the container and put the bottle in the bottle bag.

Maybe. Hang on, though. Hang on. I'm just getting my girl head on here, right? Okay. Would I be,

if I was with a guy, right? And I really liked him. We've been going out for a while, okay? And then he, one day, is like, do you want to use some lube? And I'm like, yeah, I don't for a while okay and then he one day is like

do you want to use some lube and I'm like yeah I don't mind a bit of lube it's awful I think I might be a bit like oh god right so you want to see him

crack the pull that little bit of plastic I think I do yeah honestly I think I want you want that awkward moment of do you want to use some lube right okay can I find the end of this

can I find the and then pull it off I don't know I I don't know. I mean, it depends. If they're rolling over going, here, shall we use some lube? Me ex fucking loved this. Then that's...

Me ex, look here. You see that? It's half empty. One sit in that. Honestly, if anything, she was wasting the lube. Can you not use as much lube as her? She cost me a fortune, her.

Anyway, here's me ex's lube. How old was she? 87. Oh, Jesus. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I'm a long-time listener of the podcast and have been drip-feeding your episodes, so I don't

have to wait for new episodes to come out each week. Oh, clever. I'm nearly caught up to speed, sadly, but I most recently listened to episode 162. I have many embarrassing and funny stories, but the one which most recently popped into my head whilst listening to the cues from the pews was my most embarrassing sex experience.

Fantastic. That's what we're here for. Sex experience, you could say. Great work. Absolutely stunning work. So please, keep my anonymous. This is bad. This happened when I was 21.

I'm now in my mid-20s. So, two years ago. Wow. So much time has passed. A lot lot changes a lot changes in them years them are big years they are big years 20s is like the most i think crucial years of your life ever i reckon 20 to 26 you really change you i'd say more i'd say 20 to like 29 right okay that's the years that's that's You're a woman now. Well, I wasn't, but I get what you mean.

Yeah, yeah. It's big, big times. Okay. This is bad, it says. Oh, I've already said that. I had a boyfriend about four months at the time. We were staying at my parents' place and had a free house. They have a pool table,

and we decided to play strip pool for a bit of evening fun. Okay. So I went upstairs and got into my sexy lingerie, which I never wear. I'm talking high-waisted suspender belts, stockings, sexy bra, crotchless undies for easy access. Brilliant. It took me a while to clip the suspender belt to the stockings, but I got there in the end and put my robe over the top, popped my heels on and headed downstairs. Ooh la la! Sorry, so you just put a robe over the top, put my heels on and headed downstairs. Ooh la la.

Sorry, so she's put a robe on top of all of the sexy stuff? Yeah. So he only needs to win one game and then... Yeah, it's... I mean...

I mean, it's barely competitive. Let's hope she's put some gloves on maybe. Something, yeah. Socks. Yeah. We'll see. Hat. Yeah, muffs.

Are you ready? We started playing and every shot we missed, we had to remove an item of clothing. Brilliant. So she misses one robe. She's in her knickers. After my first shot, I removed my robe to reveal my sexy attire underneath.

I was not that good at pool. Brilliant. We played for a while with me like this and we removed socks, heels, etc. until the tension was too much and we stopped playing and started kissing. Brilliant. He lifted me up onto the pool table and laid me back,

kissing down my body, which was exciting and sexy. This is like one of them porn stories from a porn mag. It's a lot, isn't it? But suddenly I felt very exposed. The light bulb directly above and the way my hips were tilted upwards over the ledge of the table made me suddenly feel like I was on an operating table or about to get a cervical smear.

You've got to have a well-lit pool table. You have to. It helps with the angles. It's not nice. It's not good sex-like and that's it. I try to tell myself to stop overthinking. Relax and enjoy this. However, the next four words that came out of his mouth did the complete opposite.

This could be Rosie's mystery. What did he say? The next four words that came out of his mouth did the complete opposite. This could be Rosie's mystery. What did he say? The next four words that came out of his mouth. Yeah. Right. So it's either something to do with care of the table. Like be careful you don't rip the cloth or something. Okay.

Don't rip the cloth. Don't rip the cloth. Right. I feel like it's don't rip the cloth. Or it's like a joke on I'm going to pot your pink or something like that. Okay. Go. Are you ready?

Yeah. The words that came out of his mouth were, Babes, you've got piles. Ah! You've got piles. You've got piles. Fuck me. Oh, God. Rosie. Would you have ever got there I could have had

a thousand guesses and I wouldn't have got fucking close to you've got piles she had piles oh and it was the angle and the lights

and he could see it oh pork it out oh no little pile little pork pile little

bunch of grapes little bunch of grapes hanging Little bunch of grapes. Hanging out. Was the pool table alright? I don't know. She just said, how does one respond to that in a situation where sex is about to take place?

I'm assuming it didn't. Immediately I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I was not in the mood for any sexual activity for the rest of the night. We also broke up soon after this due to toxicity reasons and I think the fact that he felt the need to point that out like that should have highlighted to me

sooner that I deserved better. Sorry, so you expected him to just have sex with you even though you had bum grapes hanging out? What fucking planet are you on? Bum grapes all over his mum and dad's pool table. I'm sorry here, am I being horrible here? It's her mum and dad's pool table. Oh, it's her mum and dad's pool table. Oh, that's not too bad.

That's not too bad. Why are you only thinking about the pool table? As a man who owns a pool table it's her mum and dad's pool table oh that's not too bad that's not too bad why are you only thinking about the pool table as a man who owns a pool table all I really care about is the care and the sort of

the maintenance of the pool table see but the thing is you are that guy because you would tell me 100% but no I wouldn't

he said to be fair after four months would you tell someone well to be fair they're having sex they're about to have sex and he's like babes you've got piles.

So I think he sounded quite... He was just trying to let her know, do you know what I mean? But obviously, if it was me and you, all you would hear is me go, And then I'd run out of the room, and you'd be left to work out what the problem was. You'd hear me car start, and you'd hear us drive away.

Said from the man who has had piles and i haven't thank you very much why are you jealous me piles and i haven't had piles sometimes my bum hurts a little bit i'll just whack them on your on your soul up and then we're laughing it's not even piles no i've never had the ones that hang out the bottom no no i've just had sometimes you know sometimes you push a bit too hard and it hurts a bit sticking it on your soul up booyah oh yeah remember i told my 20s no no i still did it then touch wood i've never had them you never had piles no you've never lived well i know i didn't give birth naturally i think that's when you do a lot of pushing right usually during childbirth and that okay i got told as well do you remember you never used to

sit on a stone wall yeah everyone said but do you not remember being a kid and being like, I don't want to get piles? I never knew what they were. Right. Just used to say it because I'd heard someone say you'll get piles if you sit on there for too long. So I used to say I don't want piles, but I never knew what they were.

I would imagine that's absolute bollocks. Right. Sit on the toilet for too long, you can get piles. Can you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to sit on it for more than five minutes. Eh? Yeah, yeah.

What do you mean? Because it can come out it can what even are they it's the muscles in that you sort of arse muscles that push the shit out right pushing too much and going basically pushing out do you know what it's like it's it's an awful thing i know a lot of people who've had them yeah i mean prolapses and everything they particularly don't look good in sexy lingerie. Crotchless as well. Would she not have known though that you had them on?

They're not quite painful. I don't know. It must have just been a little... I don't know. I don't know how you would have piles and not know. Having piles and wearing crotchless underwear and being hoist up onto a pool table to have sex. She must have the pain threshold of fucking Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

Yeah, she's nails. Yeah. I'm surprised you'd tell that. I'd have been pain threshold of fucking Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Yeah, she's nails. Yeah. I'm surprised you'd tell that. I'd have been fucking terrified of her. Just push them in. Wrap a pool cue around his head. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I had to share this story with you.

My 22-year-old uni flatmate, a lovely boy but has lived a very sheltered life, came into the communal area before going on a night out and proceeded to lie down on the floor on his front. When asked what on earth he was doing, he said lying on my stomach like everybody does before drinking. Sorry.

No. I've just got it. Oh, bless his heart. We were utterly confused, and he continued the conversation saying, my mum always tells me to make sure I lie on my stomach when I'm off out. Fucking wonderful.

The conversation escalated, and we eventually got to the bottom of things. In hysterics already by this point. The poor boy had mistaken lying on your stomach for lie on your stomach and he's been doing this his whole drinking life like a baby having tummy time Oh, that's so lovely. Was he having anything to eat? No, he was just lying on his stomach. Steaming fucking drunk. I can't understand it.

I lay on my stomach for 45 minutes. Me mam said. Oh, bless his heart. I love that. I absolutely love that. Oh, wow his heart. I love that. I absolutely love that. Oh, wow. Bless him. Once again, thank you so much for listening

to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid, which is part of the A-Class Creator Network. Yes, as always, thank you so, so much for listening. Please keep getting in touch, shagmaradonoid at gmail.com to send us everything you want us to read out. And obviously, we do keep you anonymous, as you know this, for the TV show and formail.com to send us everything you want with a readout. And obviously, we do keep you anonymous as you know this

for the TV show and for here. And we always will as long as you ask it. And obviously, one more big shout out. The 2023 tour is on sale now. Arenas all over the UK. Shagmaridanoid.com.

You'll see all the dates on there. Considering it's a year and a half away, it's selling really fucking fast. Some seriously full arenas there. I'm really excited to do that again. Can't wait to see you it's going to be awesome bye

bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking

Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series this unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director

Gustavo Gimeno in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats

for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.