Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 174. Co-ords

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

This week on the podcast Chris & Rosie discuss co-ords, free gifts, farting in Asda and whether it's okay to attend a date topless. All of this plus some slippery beef and a couple of icks for good measure! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, the Slag Rag and my husband. The Slag Rag. She is a Slag Rag. My husband. The Slag Rag.

So just before we started, we're doing a mic check and for some reason I referred to Rosie. Not unlike, you know, back in the Chocolate Quilt and Chit Pig days earlier. If you're a new listener and you're not aware of that, you've got something catching up to do. Not unlike

them days, I just referred to you as a slag rag. I quite like it. Slag rag's quite good. Is it endearing? Is that the right word? No, no, I think, no, it's a genuine, genuine horrible insult. I feel like slag rag could be,

you know, these people who've heard about, you know, we heard about the guy who had the cock wash, the pint glass at the side of his bed where he just dipped his knob in. I had completely forgotten about that. Well, I feel, yeah. Well, I feel like if a female version, if you just had a little flannel by the side of the bed

that you just wiped a bit with, it would be like, that's me slag rag. It would be dry. It would be crusty. Crusty. You'd be hit with a toffee hammer. Shatter it. It would not smell nice.

Yeah, oh God. Put it in the radiator and it would bend over the radiator, sort of bend over it kind of thing, and then it would dry and then you'd get it off and it would be like the shape, like, you know, it would lie over the radiator, sort of, you know, bend over it kind of thing. And then it would dry and then you get it off and it would be like the shape of an upside down U. It would stay in that shape, which is just a lovely, lovely visual to start the podcast with.

Episode 174, you good? I'm really good, actually. Yeah? I'm quite stress-free right now. Probably because I'm not doing a BBC TV show at the same time this time. time I think that's what it is I honestly think that's what it is

I feel energised I'm back on Agnes Castus to sort out me terrible hormonal moods

yeah awful so hopefully a couple of months I'll be back to AOK 14 year old Rosie what? just before periods

really affected my life don't be telling everyone I'm married to a 14 year old bit weird no obviously not bit weird obviously not take it back

no just saying like pre-hormonal different hormones right anyway enough of my slag rags yeah

welcome to the podcast thanks for coming back obviously yes I've got an immediate little pre-beef with you why what the fuck

because I like dropped the kids off this morning you know I've just been doing loads of things and just messing on. I had a quick shower. I got myself sort of put a cap on.

You know, an old t-shirt. You have got yourself fully done up. You're in some kind of silk fucking two-piece, I don't know,

like Hugh Hefner's fucking, you're like Hugh Hefner's mom. I look like Hugh Hefner's daughter, I think. Not his mom. Why would I be his mom?

I don't know. So guys it is episode 174. Thank you so much for listening and coming back or arriving if you just have. And without any further

ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor. Excited. This week's sponsor is letting your child choose what songs to play in the car while you're driving.

Oh Nat. Fucking hell. Jesus. So in my car it's not as bad because you can just tell us what to pick because I've got a Tesla and I've got that big screen in the middle and I can just pick the different stuff.

How's the petrol prices, dickheads? Got your laptop in the front there. While I'm zooming past. Horrible to drive. In the iPad with wheels. Horrible to drive. It's a great car. So you've got to do the phone thing.

A normal car. Yeah, so you've got to hand the phone thing. A normal car. Yeah, so you've got to hand him your phone and he basically sits on your phone in the back picking songs from the basically curated Spotify playlist. Oh my God, it's like being in Guantanamo Bay. It's fucking horrendous. I'm going to give him this, right, though, because he listens to all of the sort of Minecraft and Roblox songs.

Which I love. That are quite catchy. So basically all they've done is use normal songs and sang different lyrics. What's your favourite one? I've got a new favourite one today. Oh no. Yeah.

What is it? Do I know it? I'm gonna mine them all. Diamonds in the deep. No, not Adele. Fucking great. You put it on today. Because I didn't realise it was another little,

because we listen to the same six, but if you flick to the side on my car there's another six by the same artist oh it's fucking amazing should we do a little verse of live a knife

in the life of the noob we'll harmonise I don't think anyone wants to hear that but it's a nice song though you ready we'll harmonise please come on

oh god almighty this is okay so this is a song about noobs noob being someone who can't play on a computer game very well five six seven eight live a knife in the life of the noob I rarely use my gun live a knife in the life of the noob being someone who can't play on a computer game very well five six seven eight

living life in the life of the noob i barely use my gun living life in the life of the noob it's fun for everyone living life in the life of the noob i watch the rising sun living life in the life of the noob i'm always on the run what a what a fun time we have in that car aren't we aren't we a geek cool mom and dad probably aren't we yeah aren't we a geeky cool mum and dad? Probably. Aren't we a geeky cool mum and dad? Because we know all the words to our kids' fucking shit songs that they listen to on Spotify.

Watch out for the mums and dads. We'll be up at the disco rocking it. Do you know what, I hate me and you for that. Do you know, I told you what my mum always says, which really pisses me off.

So whenever I talk about a film of when we were younger, like, you know how I talk about Never Ending Story a few weeks ago? Yeah. Like, I might say it to my mum sometimes, like, hey, mum, do you remember how much we loved

Never Ending Story? She'd watch it every day. Do you love it? No, me mum. Don't me mum love it? She's like, well, do you know, whenever you had them things on, I never had a time to watch them.

Right. So they were always just on, but I never watched them. Excellent. And I'm like, oh, sorry. I sit and engage with my children and watch films with them that they care about because you were far too busy what's wrong what's like she's got a fucking tick like i was just so busy being the best mom in the world i didn't watch any films yeah speak me your mom i uh i got she's

actually here right now so i we better keep our voice down. No, no. Well, she listens to it, so it doesn't matter. Oh, fair enough. I came in yesterday from the shop. Oh, it's about the cake,

isn't it? With a Twix cake. Yeah. Found a Twix cake in Asda. Couldn't believe it. Life changed, right? It's amazing. What?

It's amazing. It left a funny taste in my mouth. Jealousy is what that is because it's my cake and I only give you one slice. That's what that taste was. No, I mean, it was alright. So I brought it in, right? And I literally got it out of my cake and I only give you one slice that's what that taste was no I mean it was alright so I brought it in right

and I literally got it out the box and I showed you and your mum and I was like look at that the fucking face that she pulled like oh like I had come in with an animal I just ran over in my car

like you know what I mean like a squashed like badger or something and went look at that oh oh totally last night yeah walked in the sitting room

she goes where's that cake I need some I was like the fucking face you pulled for that cake she can't help herself honestly unbelievable

but yeah letting your kids play the songs in the back of the car is the worst thing ever and he skips and he skips and you hear a bit of a song

the other day it was a bit of a song and he skipped back and he was trying to get to the one before and he didn't realise he had to press skip back twice oh god

a lot of them are very like lots going on it's one of them just noise just pure noise would you rather have that though a cocoa melon on repeat i don't know probably that but i want to teach him how to skip properly because it's it's honestly it's like torture and trying to drive there's like you know the a1 is a fucking mess at the minute they're all near the metro center the ends of the north there's cones there's down to one lane and all kinds. And every now and then, he's fucking screaming,

the music's going off. Oh my God. Another good one that he likes. What do you know about mining? Down in the deep, where the wood runs out. You can gutter cut down some trees. Oh, hey, listen.

Oh, Minecraft songs. Oh my God. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Jingle!

Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. What were you doing there? Were you eating something? I was chewing a bit of skin. You were chewing a bit of skin? That I picked off my thumb. Oh my god. Yeah, I know. Stop picking stuff off your thumb.

I can't. It's proper bad. I know. You need to stop. Every couple of days I'll see you and you'll be like, I've hurt me thumb. And your thumb's like red raw and pissing the blood. And I'm like, well how did you do that?

And you're like, I bit it. Stop biting it. And I'm not even stressed at the minute. I don't know what that is. It's just a habit. It grows back so quick, you know. Are you hungry? Like, I am a bit hungry, actually.

It grows back, like, to the point, though. I'm not fucking surprised. I know, but sometimes I'm like, do you know how, is it true that you only got nine layers of skin? No. Right.

So it's just forever. It's always going to grow back. I'm going to have to Google it, but the fact that you think you've only got nine layers of skin. I got told it when I was a kid. Right layers of skin right no no no your skin regenerates right what do you think you've got you think like so if you think if you scrape you fall off your bike or whatever and you're little and you take a layer of skin off you've got eight left like a fucking cat no i do you know what it is

the older i've got obviously i'm a bit like i don't think that's true because i've definitely chowed through more than nine layers but it But that was a thing when I was younger. Is that an urban legend? It will be, yeah. Let's have a look. Nine layers of skin. Am I getting mixed up with cats? Fuck knows.

Cats have got nine lives, haven't they? Is that true? That's a ridiculous statement. Right, so there's seven layers of skin, but you're totally not going to come back. But there's seven layers, which have got like... Oh, right, okay. There's only two of. Wow. Hold on. layers of skin but your top layer can come back but the seven layers which have got like oh right okay there's only two off

wow hold on such an informative podcast this you know like honestly if I was a listener oh hold on now I'm finding

another thing that says human skin it's not it's not it's bollocks we're just on google guessing human skin is composed of three layers

the epidermis the dermis and the hypodermis. Hypodermis. Did you just, did you just say hypodermis really quickly after I said it? Yeah,

because I knew what it was. Because part of me, because I was reading it, thought, did she say that before me or not? But I'm sure you said that after me. Just before you. I think you said it after.

I said it, I knew that. No. Honestly. Like a hypodermic needle. Fucking hell. Imagine if you got through after. I said it, I knew that. No. Honestly. Like a hypodermic needle. Mm. Fucking hell. Imagine if you got through life like that.

Right, all of, like, all of the Google things are different layers of skin, so I'm going to come off this, but, right,

I don't know exactly how many layers of skin there are, but my immediate answer, no, when you said, do you only have nine layers of skin? That was because I know that

your brain was asking the question if you could can you shed nine times like a like a snake and then you're a skeleton you'll be the muscle yeah yeah yeah right so that so that i'm gonna i'm gonna call bullshit on that okay uh although someone you know some of your things annoyingly that i've been calling bullshit on recently people have been tweeting us and saying i'm wrong saying that the a1 and the m1 are two different roads thank you in parts of the country they are, but then they do join.

I was on fucking Google Maps for ages in the car. Because I do sometimes retain really weird information from my childhood. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. But yeah,

you deliberately retain stuff that sounds like bollocks and then you say it in a weird way where I know, I know. So someone listening now and you say they've got nine layers of skin and someone listening

going, well, it might be made up of that many, but I know that you were like, I mean, just actual, the stuff you see. You mean like,

nine scratch card layers where one comes off and then there's the next one and one comes off and then there's the next one and then, you don't get them back. Basically,

That's what you meant. I do, yeah. You're like an onion is what you meant, right? But now, but what I'm saying is I've picked so much of the skin off of my thumbs

that I've proved my theory wrong. Well, and you know, and people say you're not a scientist. You know what, you've done the research. Dr. Rosie Ramsey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. You've done the research, right? I would say, I would call you professor, not doctor. I would go one up from that. Of course, they're not scientists.

I would go one up from that. Yeah, yeah. No, you doctors are scientists. Oh my God, this is, speaking of onions, this is an onion of fucking stupidity. What scientist called doctors? Oh that. Yeah, no, doctors are scientists. Oh my God, speaking of onions, this is an onion of fucking stupidity. Podscientists call doctors.

Oh my fucking God, yes. Depends what the... You can be a doctor in anything. I'm sure my dad's got a doctor name. Oh my God. Is that a lie? You got a master's? No, that's one under.

Right. So your PhD is the next one up. Fucking fickle. Tell you what, the apple didn't fucking fall as far from the tree. Christ alive, I can't even get to the end of it. I'm sure there was a little portion of my life when my dad was caught,

like when he'd done it, he called himself a doctor and I was like, is it going to come through the post with doctor on? And now he's bullshitting me. Be a doctor in anything though. Like when I did film and media, there was a doctor on my course and he was just a doctor in media studies that's

you know the fucking shittest doctor in the world that's ridiculous yeah why is that a thing like do you know what i mean yeah the doctor of film and media that's bullshit well it's not it's a thing so it's a phd is a level of knowledge and education a phd is a level of education you can you can attain in any kind of subject. Yeah. So you can be a doctor in anything. But my point is

when someone's shouting on the plane when someone's had some nuts by accident and they're like is there a doctor in? Your doctor of film and media is not going to come up

and go I could film all this and it would look very good. Well what was my dad's? I think it was like philosophy or something. Right. But it was a master's.

Right. It wasn't a PhD. So he's lied to me I can't even remember what I started to see no me neither it was a joke about you doing your experiment

and biting your things but it's just been re-ruled by the fact that your brain do you know what it is though I'm glad you're not miserable and angry today I'm glad you're

no do you know what it is I feel am I back you're back you're bright eyed you're bushy tailed you've got questions about everything

questions on questions on questions like I'm doing a podcast with a fucking six year old because do you know what it is do you know what it is right now I can't concentrate on more than one thing

at the same time so when we had the tour doing the tour took all of my mind so doing this I was like a cloud

and then doing the TV show the anxiety I felt of the full six weeks of doing that was really intense so doing this I was a little bit like... It's more intense. We'll just sit down and have a lovely little laugh.

Well, now I'm like, I'm free. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I feel... Actually, Chris, honestly, I feel quite happy. What's going on? Oh, my God. She's happy, everyone.

Am I all right? Am I all right? I feel like I'm going to get in trouble later on for something. No, it's good. Just to weigh it up. Just to weigh it up. Rafe's sort of sleeping. Yeah.

Like, better than he has been. Yeah, yeah. He sleeps at least through the night. He doesn't hate me now. He doesn't hate you now. Because I'm back. Which is good. I get cuddles off him.

Just as a little side note here, when people tell you that the babies sleep all night, they're lying to you. Yeah. They're actually lying. Yeah. Because what they don't tell you is that, oh, they woke up for a feed,

or they did this. They don't sleep the full night. No baby gets put down at seven o'clock and wakes up at seven o'clock the next morning. I call bullshit. Cue the tweets and emails from smug fuckers who it does. Hope they do. Take your kid to the doctor. They shouldn't be sleeping that long.

Wow. Excuse me, doctor. This kid's too good. Sorry, I'm a doctor in film and media. You need an office next door. I didn't know. I mean, okay, right. Fair enough.

Maybe I might be completely wrong on that. We've had two good sleepers touch wood but they've never slept like they're pretty decent but I'll take you know

they've never fully slept through the night all the night oh god people are going to tweet because Steph Maggie's Steph's a little girl Maggie sleeps really well

yeah so actually okay fair enough I'm just jealous fucking hell you start a thing so strongly and then you talk yourself actually okay fair enough I'm just jealous fucking hell you start a thing so strongly and then you talk

yourself out of it because I'm fickle I'm fickle as a motherfucker yeah okay babadoo babadoo babadoo

so I was just in the shower before hold on lads get your imagination out of the gutter right yeah shaving shaving were you using that special soap that you've got to use so you don't get a bad fanny yes Oh, get your imagination out of the gutter, eh? Oh, what's up, lads? Oh, you're in the show.

Yeah, shaving. Shaving. Well, you're using that special soap that you've got to use so you don't get a bad fanny. Yes. There we go. Sexy. Well, a couple of things happened.

So I got a bit annoyed at myself because I bought, I don't know if I mentioned it on here, but I bought the sort of the bottles with the labels on. Really irritating. Oh, fuck me, Chris. They're not going to last. They're not going to last a week. I knew as soon as that.

I was like, what a fucking dream right sorry so just to explain everyone basically we've got a little one of them little sort of what they're called man alcove

hey fuck me I can't believe I got that she's on fire today she's got one of them like alcove shelves with a little light in it in the shower

so it's like a hole in the wall and it was full of loads of stuff all kinds of shampoo that weird shampoo that you use when you've got color in your hair it looks like yeah but it's not purple yeah it looks like fucking like a ribena berry spunk would have been better sorry or like sorry sorry so you're claiming that smurf spunk is going to be exactly the same colour as their skin is my spunk

the same colour as my skin it just kind of made you joke but alright fair enough yeah you got it totally wrong admit it

I'm just trying to dig me back out of that anyway listen so basically what she's done is she's got this shelf and you went you went online didn't you

you went to a shop and you bought I went on Etsy yeah you bought little decanters one that says shampoo one that says conditioner one that says body wash one that says face wash't you? You went to a shop and you bought... I went on Etsy. Yeah, you bought little decanters. One that says shampoo, one that says conditioner, one that says body wash, one that says face wash. And you've just got to fill them up.

And then there's just five things on there. And I saw them and I thought, not a fucking chance. She will fill them up once and then all that's going to happen is all of the bottles that were there already are going to join them four on there. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely awful. So, well well i spent an extra kind of like six minutes in the shower today just filling up the conditioner

wow with but a nightmare because once you've used half the bottle the actual pump isn't that good so you've got to screw it off and get it out and it's been about how long i had it about a month it's not gonna last much longer yeah very irritating ridiculous um another irritating. Ridiculous. Another thing that happened in the shower. I don't know why I do these things. I know. I don't know. I'm trying. Honestly, Chris, I'm just trying to better myself.

But sometimes I just think, just live in the gutter. Just be happy about living in the gutter. I'm trying to better myself. And that's one of the ways. You must have a pretty good life if the only way to better yourself is just to have four, you know, soap decanters on the side but that's

you know how are you man I spend a lot of time on social media and it's very you know Instagram and bloody

you look at people's houses and you go why do I live in squalor compared to these palaces you should do just run the fucking hoover around now and then

and clean some toilets rather than getting absolutely I'll buy just buy bottles and I can't be asked to fill up Jesus Christ I might treat myself

to a new salt cellar I'll be about it another thing happened in the shower you know sometimes when I'm in the shower I think about people dying okay

no it happens a lot like I have a little cry and I imagine oh yeah we've talked about this yes crying in the shower so no one can see you cry

yeah today it was you wow okay I didn't actually cry which is because it was more just a thought but then because what i what i was thinking about was like that you got more upset about the fact that you couldn't fill the the the conditioner thing quick enough than you did the the idea of my potential death in the shower that's that's nice to hear that's nice yeah okay sorry about that i was thinking about the podcast because i always think about if something happened to one of us what would happen to this and like work and stuff like that because obviously if you died i couldn't do the podcast it what what like it wouldn't be funny i'd be dead sad it would be

awful but that did come up with a new title if you did something christ if something happened to either of us okay right and what i thought was that we could do the podcast but it could be with other like widows and stuff oh my god so it goes from a light-hearted filth comedy podcast to the most sad fucking podcast ever but do you want to know what they would be called how are we then shag married alone that grim just think have a think about what you've just said

have a think about what you've done here have a think about what you've done in this podcast no it's not clever it's not clever

it doesn't rhyme it doesn't parody anything else shagged married alone it was me shagged and then we got married and then you died to it

I'm alone shagged married alone I'm not annoyed anymore oh you're not annoyed you're just perfectly happy you're perfectly happy that I've died perfectly happy

the annoyments go off I'm fucked for that I'm not annoyed anymore hey get annoyed off that title just stick alone in idiot

unbelievable sometimes the best ideas come to you anyway yeah well not that one oh okay god almighty have you never thought of having a little extra empty bottle Unbelievable. Someone's best idea has come to you anyway. Yeah, well, not that one. God almighty.

Have you never thought of having a little extra empty bottle in the shower on the shelf for all your bullshit? That you can just quickly spew it into that bottle so you don't have to bring it out of the shower and I don't have to fucking suffer listening to it. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. Unbelievable. So I've had a couple of days off,

which has been lovely. Obviously the TV show finished and you went straight into Lady of Leisure. Walking around the house in your silk pyjamas and that. Would you stop pissing on me bloody chips about this? I think they're nice. I just think it's a little bit decadent. I've got my friends coming round.

Alright, okay. They all, what is it, some kind of silk pyjama party like? No, these aren't pyjamas. They're actually a co-ord, right? What's a co-ord? Co-ord. Like a cohort? Like a group of people? No, like a't pyjamas. They're actually a co-ord, right? What's a co-ord? Co-ord. Like a cohort? Like a group of people?

No, like a co-ord. What's a co-ord? That's what you call clothes that are like matching. Like a tracksuit? A co-ord. Don't make us laugh. I've done all my makeup. Shut up, man, will you?

Don't make it at all. Sorry, everyone. No comedy today. I've just done my makeup. A bloody bunch of slag rags coming round in their blooming tracksuits

so hold on co-ord co-ord right c-o dash o-r-d o-r-d I typed that

into google I just said co-ord and this came up how did you know co-ord was a thing it just is it just is

I don't know I just know so a co-ord is some pants in the top that much or like a skirt in the top or like a blazer and they've got to be exactly the same color kind of yeah they just match yes it's a thing right cords you're not saying it properly you're saying cords or cords cord yeah core like coordinated right okay so anyway um I'm just dressing a bit fancier Because they're all coming over

And there's three No there's four Four of my friends Sleeping over the night Yeah I'm excited Very excited She's got

Don't worry everyone She's bought two packets of croissants Whenever Whenever I open the cupboard And I see some croissants I go Someone's staying over Someone who doesn't

Regularly stay over Is staying over Have they got gluten in Kelly's gluten free oh well fuck's sake good lucky lucky Kelly

she's going to go hungry in the morning she's going to have something that isn't a buttery big ball of disappointment an egg some sort of egg

no they're very excited like genuinely Kelly thinks it's a hen do she's bringing ingredients for Aperol Spritz it's going to be good it's going to be a good night I had a hen do I had my hen do last week you did you had a night off i was supposed to have me hendu

i mean again once again i had a i was away and then you know a little missing family and you know i've done the tv show and the tour as much as i love doing live shows it's dragging out a bit now like i've got two dates left now but the best bit is being out there best bits being on stage but born on the best that hour and a bit where I'm on stage is the best the whole thing but then around it it's like I have a couple of drinks have something nice to eat you know

but again the children had a sickness bug and I caught the sickness bug and I had a night off on in Birmingham

the other week and I was supposed to have a little hen do planned Carl Hutchinson knocked on my door in a little robe with a tie around his head

and a bottle of champagne he drank a full bottle of champagne before I went out the man's an animal went and played mini golf and then we're supposed to go for a curry and the second we sat down

for the curry I smelt it and I went I'm gonna fucking vomit so I just had to sit there and watch them all eat a curry I didn't catch that sickness bug you know

I caught it it was really annoying what's going on again Rafe not wanting cuddles off me at all because he just missed you too much when he warmed back up

to us was the D he had the sickness bug and I had to weigh it up of like do I want to catch this or do I want to cuddle my child and I because he just missed you too much. When he warmed back up to us was the D, he had the sickness bug. Right, okay. And I had to weigh it up of like, do I want to catch this or do I want to cuddle my child? And I just cuddled him, I was devastated.

I mean, that is, well, that's nice though. Yeah. That's being a good dad, isn't it? Yeah. Well done, you. Good dad. Just three claps there.

Well, you're not that good. Three claps. Can we get back to, who do you think you are wearing cords and having decanters in the shower? What do you think this is? You've been watching too many Real Housewives of wherever you have.

I know, I'm very obsessed with them at the minute. I've started listening to the podcast as well, you know. The Real Housewives podcast. Oh my God. They're just as bitchy in real life. The drama still carries on into their normal life and they all slag off each other from each franchise. And honestly, fascinating.

So anyway, so I've been off. So I've had a little bit more time with the children. Seeing Robin, especially Robin. Because me and Robin play on Minecraft together now. And I'm absolutely loving it. I'm loving it more than him, to be fair. Great. Yeah, it's fantastic.

It's infuriating. But anyway, we'll talk about that later. Okay. An update on Robin's sass. Do you think he's sassy? He's got some serious sass going on. He really has. We've talked about it. He's funny.in's sass do you think he's sassy he's got some serious sass going on he really has we've talked about it he's funny he's really funny and the stuff he says so the other day we're playing charades or charades whatever you want to call it and you answered

one he was doing the little actions and you answered a thing we're doing a little yawn like that and he was like yeah that was right mammy but it was a bit yawny I'll accept it but it was a bit yawny oh he's a tough quiz master that was funny and then the other day you don't know this me and him were in we all went to Asda

but then me and him went the other side of we like went and looked at the toys and the outdoor stuff and things like that and we left you to go and do the fruit and veg

and the boar and stuff and we're walking down the toy aisle and I just he walked sort of he was walking behind us and I just sort of backed into him and farted on him.

In Asda? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was no one in the aisle or anything. It was just a little... But why... What? Because he needs to stop doing that. You can't do that.

But I'm Fun Dad. Fun Dad farts on you in Asda. Well, Fun Dad can pick him up from prison. Oh, well, you get arrested. You get arrested for farting on people. No, but if you let the farting on people... Farting on Rafe's face, man. I'm being serious.

You can pick him up from prison. Note this. Note this. Fun prison. Daisy, clip this up and I'm going to keep this on me phone. You can pick him up from fucking prison. Because you're farting on him

that is honestly if you can track your life of crime back to your dad farting on you in Asda no

I will not I know but Chris you know I'm trying to instill some sort in Asda is that a gateway drug to murder maybe

but what happened though come on well you basically said the same thing as you you went like that and I laughed

like that and he just looked at us and he went you know you're in a shop? That's my boy. That's my boy. Okay, maybe he'll not go to prison.

Maybe he'll be the judge. Yeah, he was devastated. Imagine if he was a judge. Sending me down for farting on someone in Asda. I fart on strangers, I'm not scared. What do you think my kids are going to do when they're big? I've got no idea. Isn't it mental?

Freaks us out when I think about it. I know. Do you think they're going to have good jobs? Do you think they're going to have Like good jobs Or do you think they're going to have Like I don't know What do you think I don't know what I want them to do

No idea As long as they're happy As the oldest one No Jen That's Because you know You joke and you're like Oh my god

I'm like What if you're a doctor Or like a footballer Or this and that At the back of my mind I go I don't want them to be stressed Yeah

So I'm like Doctor must be horrible Yeah Yeah Doctor, lawyer All these ones People want their kids to be I hope he's a lawyer I hope he's a solicitor I hope he's a doctor Fucking hell They'll be working 80 hours yeah so I'm like doctor must be horrible yeah doctor lawyer all these ones that people want their kids to be

hope he's a lawyer hope he's a solicitor hope he's a doctor fucking hell he'll be working 80 hour weeks have you ever seen the home office

of a solicitor fuck that oh no absolutely a lot of paper make a fort out of paper yeah but he's got a

he has he might be creative because he has got a new nickname for Rafe incredible nickname that he made up we googled it

it was that funny. We googled the thing and has he nicked this for some reason? Well, I thought he might have seen it online or something. On YouTube or something,

yeah. But he has nicknamed Rafe Chubby McGuts. Chubby McGuts. Do you know we've got a theme tune? No. Yeah, well,

you were away last week so when we get ready for the battle, we take Rafe's clothes off and go, Chubby McGuts, Chubby McGuts, hey, hey, Chubby McGuts, so when we get ready for the battle, we take Rafe's clothes off and go, Chubby my guts, chubby my guts. Hey, hey, chubby my guts, chubby my guts.

Like blankly blank. Chubby my guts. He loves it. He's like laughing his head off. Like, wait, yes, here I am. It's because he doesn't know you're actually shaming him. Fat shaming him. He is.

Chubby my guts. Chubby my guts. Love him. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. love him this friday you must be very careful market it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start out evil things of evil it's oh no don't the first omen i believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's Your Beef, you bitch? Wow. Gee whiz. Okay, keep kicking off like that. I feel another beef character coming on. Oh, hey, you never know. Now I've got a bit more time in me fucking life. Ladies first or gentlemen first?

Do you know what? You go first. Me? Okay. Well, okay you know what you go first me well okay yeah you go first okay so um i can't believe we still got these you know oh i had to pick i had to pick from them i had to pick from them why are we married i always try and make them topical and this one is topical so the other days for a laugh sometimes i think i think it might have been your beef in the past with me that sometimes if you're going out to like the metro center you're going to the shops or something i'll always go get us a present and you go what what do you mean yes what do you mean get us a present what the hell so i've stopped saying it because he always just shouted god i only ever mean like a donut or

something like that you know what i mean something nice and uh you came in the other day um i don't know where you'd been i don't know if it came to the house i don't know if you've been out to the shops i can't really remember but um you came in and you went i've got you a present and i was so excited and you came over and you handed us a box no no no don't dare don't dare do that thing where you turn around and say i'm a dickhead because i'm having to go to a really thoughtful present because it wasn't thoughtful and i'll explain why it's not thoughtful i'll tell you right now guys she came over with this box, and I don't know, it looked like there might be some nice biscuits in it or something, I don't know what it was.

I opened it up, and it looked like a little water bottle, but with a spray bit on the top, and then another little sort of container. And I went, what's this? And you went, it's gel. This was our present. It's gel that you put on toilet paper and wipe your arse,

and it's like you're washing your arse. And I went, right? And you went, yeah, much better than wipes, because wipes are bad for the environment, and you're not supposed to flush them, even though it says flushable, you're not supposed to flush them wipes. So there you go.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'll explain to you why it's not thoughtful. Honestly, I'll explain to you why you are the most ungrateful bastard in the world. I'm not ungrateful because I didn't want the arse gel. I didn't want the arse gel. Have you tried it yet?

Dear Santa, please bring me... I've been a really good boy all year. Please bring me an arse gel applicator and an auxiliary bottle of arse gel for when the applicator runs out. That was more expensive, actually. Brilliant. Have you tried it yet? Have you tried it yet?

You've paid money! Have you tried it yet? You've paid money for this! Yes! No, I haven't, and I'll tell you why I was not thoughtful, because everyone who listens to this podcast, and everyone who's fans of Chris Ramsey and the Chris Ramsey universe here, knows that in the CRU, right?

Awful. Awful that you just did that. I have a shower. I have a shower. This was to try and save you from not having to have a shower. Wipes don't work. I'm sorry, but you haven't tried it having to have a shower wipes don't work i'm sorry but you haven't tried it yet no the wipes don't work they just make it worse um yeah i i wipes i never use wipes doesn't work just wet just wets it i like to just get in the

shower get it i don't know what it is that's right absolutely fair enough right personally i use the gel and i do actually like it, and I will endorse this product, right? But you enjoy wiping your arse, though. I think it's called Wipe. W-I-P-E. Anyway, free little ad for them. Arse gel.

It's arse gel. You haven't even tried it yet, so how can you... I refuse to use it. I refuse to try it. Oh, my... Just try it. I don't... I jump straight in the shower.

I jump straight in the shower. Well, you might not have to jump straight in the shower. Well, I feel like... Well, no, because all I'm going to do is pack my arse crack full of gel. I'm going to have a horrible day. It's not like that. You could use the gel, right? It's going to be like when a UFC fighter's about to go in the cage

and the guy covers their face in Vaseline. That's going to be my arse crack. Right, okay. I'm sorry, I'm not going to have this conversation with you until, nah, I'm done. Until you've tried it. I'll slide off that bike when I get on. I'll slide and be out.

Okay, watch this space. Good mood's going. I'm going to have to try some arse gel. Be right back. Just try it and then you'll see, right? Okay, I will try it. I think it's a great idea. Anyway.

Arse gel. Available where you buy all your other arse stuff. It's not actually in the shops yet. It's not in the shops! Exclusive. I've got some exclusive pre-release arse gel. Well, it's online. Stop it.

It's a really good company. I think they're great. I think it's a really good idea. Anyway. My beef with you. Arse face. Arse gel. Minecraft.

Yeah. I'm sick of Minecraft it's great right I understand that you and Robin are bonding over it and that's lovely right but I like to limit his time

on a screen yep you just go into Never Never Land you can be on a screen for seven hours it's called

The Nether oh is it actually Never Never Land yeah is it actually The Nether yeah I didn't know that you've got to make a portal and get to The Nether.

I'm sick of it. I'm really sick of it. You're not a miner. You wouldn't understand. It's awful. It's great. It's like Lego, but it's on a screen. But you...

But Nat, what's really pissed me off about it is that you're literally like, he wants to play. Oh, Rosie. He's desperate to play. He's not... You're desperate to play. Yeah, there is a degree of me also being desperate to play.

Yesterday afternoon, when he was at school, I had a little turn on on to play. Yeah, there is a degree of me also being desperate to play. Yesterday afternoon when he was at school, I had a little turn on my own. Oh, God. It's fucking amazing. Oh, what's that? It's just... Your sex appeal just left the room. Oh, really?

Minecrafter. I still had some sex appeal after you were ordering me arse gel on the internet. You still fancy that person? Oh, I'll just get some arse gel for the internet you still have you still fancy that person i'll just get some arse gel for the man i love oh just um basically i'm just a bit sick of minecraft and that's just we're gonna have to monitor it from now on we're gonna have to monitor you both all right okay but that's a different thing uh yeah that's maybe yeah but the thing is it's win-win with me because you get to be the bad guy and go turn off minecraft and i, oh, sorry, Robin, it's mum's fault.

Great. And when we're picking him up from prison in the future, we'll know that it wasn't because I fought on him on Asda. It was because you didn't let him do the things he enjoyed doing, creative things with his dad. Great. Bonding. Fair enough.

Mm-hmm. Let's carry on. There you go. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. There you go. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. Public.

Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch,

shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Also, I know we've asked you to vote for loads of shit recently and you can literally tell what the fuck off if you want. But obviously,

we're up for two British Comedy Awards that the judges get to vote on. So we'll look forward to losing them. But we are also up for Listener's Choice. So if you want to go on british comedy awards just google british comedy awards sorry fuck not british comedy but british podcast awards we've already won sorry we've already won the british comedy award that's downstairs thank you again for that um yeah

british podcast awards we're up for two things um that judges get to vote on obviously and then the but the listeners choice is all down to you every single podcast of British school British podcast awards and vote for Shagmire Ignored Am I right in saying that this is the first year

that we've been actually nominated for a proper award on the British podcast awards No Are you sure I think that year that we won listeners choice

a couple of years ago I think we were up for something best new podcast or something Oh right okay I had a feeling that we weren't

Yeah Anyway That's cool though Brilliant Very cool Looking forward Looking forward to the do we were up for something best new podcast or something oh right okay I had a feeling that we weren't yeah anyway that's cool though brilliant looking forward looking forward to the do looking forward to the do yes it'll be a do

we'll be on zoom this time love a do god I remember that man we won the podcast award for the listener's choice and I had to deliver it to a door it was all on zoom

and I had to deliver it to a door and leave on the doorstep and they put like some kind of fucking drug deal yeah craziness

and I was pregnant oh god but I was pregnant. Oh God. But I was that part of pregnant where you don't tell anyone. Really? Yeah, do you remember? No. I remember you were hammered that night

so that's strange. I wasn't. I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. I was drinking no seco. So guys, if you want to get in touch shagmaridanoid at gmail shagmaridanoid at gmail.com

I'm talking so fast, I'm so excited. We would love it if you voted for us and I know we ask you loads and honestly, sick of it myself but thank you. Thank you if you do and if you can't be asked as my just listen podcast we couldn't give a fuck yeah um join an ick uh yeah but someone sent me an amazing ick

oh go on you do yours first and i want to send you one it was so fucking harsh but go on was it right okay this one's here it says um my ick is when people over exaggerate trying to swallow pills proper proper fling their head back the tiny pill just swallow it like they're a pelican swallowing a whole fish yeah yeah oh taking oh swallowing tablets dry like oh god yeah vile how much saliva you got I can do that but it's got to be like the Nurofen

with the salt it's got to be the ones that are silky sugar like casein basically it's like a smarty in it

yeah yeah yeah so someone sent me an ick the other day it was so fucked again they just I think it's because I don't know on Twitter people try and be like

funny and quite cutting and they just said really harsh ones so so someone tweeted me this nah i've just found the ultimate ick the ball boys at wimbledon just the young lads at wimbledon the young girls obviously just talking about the boys but the young boys at wimbledon who are getting a chance to you know yeah see these see these they're obviously well into

tennis they'll play for you know they'll be who are getting a chance to, you know, see these, they're obviously well into tennis. They'll play for, you know, they'll be members of all kinds of tennis clubs. You know, it's like, the boys at Wimbledon, the ones who have to run across the court

to catch the ball when it hits the net and then a puking face. It's so brutal. It's so brutal it's so brutal no but if I was young again yeah she's a young lass

now I'm obviously like quite I think that's great but when I if I was young yeah and if I went out with a lad

and he was like I'm ball boy I'd be like oh yeah your tiny little shorts sprint but it's the way they've got to get

it's the way they've got to throw them back and then they've got to put the hand in the ear and then put it down for me it's not the awkwardness of the ball boy and again big love to I think it's the way they've got to get it's the way they've got to throw them back and then they've got to put the hand in the air and then put it down for me it's not the awkwardness of the ball boy

and again big love I think it's fantastic because obviously the point is they love tennis and they play themselves and they get to

see all this and be on centre court and be near these players but it's how fast they have to sprint over such short distances

you go like sometimes they go like their arms go mental and it's like four steps and you go you sometimes they go like their arms go mental and it's like four steps and you go you could have fucking skipped that you could have walked that what do you think of the crouching down at the net the crouching down and the crouching down it's so over the top it is it's so over the top but i love it it's just something incredible but it's one of those things that if i was younger and i was involved in that sport i would have

wanted to be that oh you% and I would have put my absolute all into that so I totally get it totally get it but absolutely absolutely hilarious

poor bloody ball boys just trying to get a bit of you know but I bet the ball girls love it or the other ball boys you never know but like if that's your thing

oh god you've seen that ball guy over there if you become a ball boy or ball girl you have to exclusively date and marry and spend the rest of if you become a ball boy or ball girl you have to exclusively date and marry and spend the rest of your life with another ball boy because everyone else gets put off by you've seen the video where the one just runs into the wall as well oh yes

oh my gosh oh speaking of women yeah we got invited this year didn't we first year ever we couldn't go yeah we don't have time to go down well we do have time but we had parental guilt because we've just left our kids so much recently that we were like we can't go and

leave them for a fun thing yeah which was sad but maybe next year I'm just going on my own and Rosie's gonna no you're not

I would love to go not because I'm a big tennis fan I say I am I watch the tennis so I win so I win I just think it would be nice to sit there

and just eat and that I'm going to go with the lads if that's alright no you're not no I'm not I wouldn't date him I'm Mr Wimbledon you're joking aren't you

so you got any cues I do I've got a really serious one here to start off with sorry about that just yeah dead serious hi Chris and Rosie

I'm sat with a group of friends having a very heated debate and I need you to settle this. Does Lightning McQueen need car or life insurance? Lightning McQueen of cars. Yeah. Car insurance. But he's a person.

He's a car. It's called cars. But. Yeah. Car insurance. But he's a person. He's a car. It's called cars. But. Okay. Yeah. Maybe, yeah. Right. Fair enough.

They've said, really need your opinions on this. It's tearing the group apart. Well, no. That's from Emma. You're basing it in their universe. Normal insurance won't, life insurance won't. Life insurance will be car insurance. It'll be amalgamated in one thing

because, you know, that's like asking us if we get human insurance or life insurance. It's the same thing. Okay, fair enough. So car insurance, well there you go.

So all your mates are stupid. The fact that that had to be emailed in here, all your mates are stupid. Do you know what? Rosie's coming out on a night out with you because I think you'd get on really well because I can tell that blew her tiny little mind.

You are fucking horrible to me. I'm sick of it. Sorry. I love you really. Whatever. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I had ordered some clothes from a well-known high street store

that recently went bust. Oh. Within the parcel was two sachets of lube as samples. Why are you laughing? Why? In clothes? Yeah. So you bought some clothes and they went, there's some lube as samples. Why are you laughing? Why? What? In clothes?

Yeah. So you bought some clothes and they went, er, some lube? Well, because if that company, you sometimes get free little stuff like tea bags and that. She's obviously got lube,

so... Sorry, I have no... I've never ordered clothes and just been given some free... Have you not? No! Have you never?

Oh, I have loads. I can't believe that's a thing. Yeah, I've been given pant free... Have you not? No. Have you never? Oh, I have loads. I can't believe that's a thing. Yeah, I've been given panty liners and everything in with orders. Makes sense. Right, okay, sorry. Name some stuff you've been given free in with orders. Tea bags.

Weird as fuck. Herbal, like fresh ones. Really weird. With clothes. Yeah, yeah, panty liners. Makes sense because it's clothing. Panty liners are not clothing. Well, if you're a woman and you're buying clothing,

it's like a thing, you know what I mean? It's like, oh, these are... Pig. Pig. Really? I'm joking. You bought some knickers, these go in your knickers. Fair enough.

But no, what happens is, if a company just wants to sponsor something, they'll send things. They'll just send things with the clothes. I'm sorry. So lube is what they're sending. If I bought a nice pair of trainers, right, and they came and they went,

oh, here's your free lube, I'd send them back. I'd go, sorry, I don't want your perverted lube trainers, please. Can I get some trainers that don't come with sexual oils? Personally, I'd have been quite... I love getting free stuff. Right.

Well, what did you buy specifically? Clothes. Right. But what kind of clothes? Just clothes. Not sexy clothes, nothing. Chris, I'm sorry to blow your tiny little brain here, but this actually happens. I can't get my head around it.

This is a genuine thing. Is it not something to do with... So if you just order jeans and t-shirt they just not send you any but if you order like you know some sexy knickers and like a broad it'll be with all of the order so right do you know when we get hello fresh right i'm sorry i'm gonna go on the record right now hello fresh if you ever send us fucking lube we're done right if you ever send me lube, we're done. He's done. I'm not done. I'm still on the HelloFresh team. And if you do, HelloFresh, if you do ever send us lube, you label it and package it very clearly

because if I end up with lube in my keema beef, there's going to be fucking murders. I just thought it was honey. I'm sorry. You seem to be desensitized. What is the word come to with Hello Fresh

last one I got sent like a ginger ale something like that yes and I'll bring you back to my point ginger ale

is a food and a drink of stuff it's a produce to put in your cupboards but lube's quite cool and it's a cool lube's cool

anyway can we move past the free lube no honestly you're desensitised to this what is the world coming to where people are just giving away lube with stuff one why is everyone lubing up these days like you know I'm really sorry it has literally blown my mind

that someone like you read it you weren't going to stop at that part of the story that wasn't the funny bit of the story no it's not an issue i mean i'm out of breath they must only do it to women well because women buy more things than men we are the target audience 25 to 45 no yeah that's the that's the selling point yeah ironically you don't really need the loop until the back end of that scale what would be the worst come on what would be the

worst thing the worst product or service to buy and get free lube with a christening gift like I bought a Noah's Ark

off not on the high street the other day if I'd have got free lube with it I'd be like that's highly inappropriate I bought a Noah's Ark off Not On The High Street the other day. A little wooden Noah's Ark for my godson, yeah. If I'd have got a free lube with it, I'd be like, that's highly inappropriate.

You know what I mean? I've got a worse one. Oh, go on then. Funeral package. Ooh. Ooh, yeah. What could you send with a funeral package? There's nothing.

Flowers, like anything. Box of tissues. I'm sorry. Oh, well, you're going to have to move on from this. It happens loads. like anything box of tissues I'm sorry I still oh well you're going to have to move on from this it happens loads right the guys who do

the smart polls get on this please is it okay to just send lube free with stuff you've bought because I can't I can't believe we live in a world where people

are just sending lube and going oh thanks for the lube yeah there's your lube give us a shout if you want some more honestly it happens loads honestly

I love it me when you get your package and you've got a free like you've got a little box of mini tampons and that and you're like whoa again fine it's the fact that it's lube or a packet of crisps or something i'm happy with that absolutely fine just not lube lube is it such a prude is it lube prude is it a pack of crisps like you can remember the old salt and shake ones where you open the thing you get a little thing of salt in what if

you've got a pack of crisps and you open it and there's just a little tiny pack of lube in and lube your crisps up so they slid down can I carry on I don't know if I can I think life's over in the parcel there's two sachets

of lube because we're living in a post-apocalyptic sex-crazed desensitized tiktok hell and you're all buying fucking ripped jeans

and looming your legs up so you can get them into your skinny leather pant and you're all disgusted. You make us sick. You still haven't got TikTok, have you? I never will get TikTok. It's mental, like. All social media is mental at the minute. It's all gone tits up.

Everyone's using the same fucking songs. Everyone's using the same voiceovers minute it's all gone it's all gone tits up everyone's using the same fucking songs everyone's using the same voiceovers people just it's just gone said it before but that robot voice tell your partner you have to get honestly get in the fucking bin get in the bin it's disgusting isn't it like why are we all using that oh anyway come on anyway so this uh so bought a lot of slag rags and got some lube for you yes I left them on my dressing table and my boyfriend asked me where I'd had them from I explained and he luckily wasn't suspicious

right again thank you backs up your point but carry on I mean what kind of relationship are you in though

when if you like would you get suspicious if I bought some lube no what do you mean what would he be suspicious about just like why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why is he what would he be suspicious about just like why what yeah yeah yeah why bought that lube like seeing my cock seeing my cock's not smooth

saying i'm not but most of us like yeah we bought that lube oh i just i don't know i don't maybe i'm a bit is it like trauma because i feel like i might have been in relationships like that before where blokes are just like weirdly jealous about everything it's really it's such a turn off it's not cool and girls well that's why you need the loop what because it's a turn off slip them away yeah yeah i can't get wet with you anymore you suspicious little squirrel squirrel yeah so anyway so right okay so jokes aside he must have thought we don't use this we don't use this why have you got this

are you having luby sex with another partner yeah sorry me trauma got the better of us there okay

me past my past boyfriend trauma my boyfriend and I decided to have sex last Sunday morning and he said oh go and get

that lube brilliant you're making him sound like a horrible man here that's you know oh darling go and get that lubricant brilliant you're making him sound like a horrible man yeah that's you know oh darling go and get that lubricant

from the there we go jackpot sachets upstairs jackpot so I went upstairs and got the sachets he opened it up

and I was lying on my back with my legs open but instead of putting the lube on his hands and then touching me he used this sachet and put it directly on my vagina

I like some chips like a tree of chips Chris i had to make him stop because i was laughing my head off and shouted i'm not a fucking portion of chips what you're doing we laughed and had to stop hands or dick mate hands or dick don't go I know just literally open the sachet straight on I couldn't I don't think

you could carry on you're putting mayonnaise on some fries yeah yeah yeah don't think well she said would you be able

to carry on if you felt like a hot dog having the sauce squeezed on you hot dog you probably never used lube before the sauce squeezed on you. Hot dog! You probably never used lube before. Well, no.

You never do until you get it. You buy innocent pair tracksuit pants and they send you some and then you're hooked. That's what it is. It is great. I love lube, mate. It's a racket. All for the lube.

That's what they're going to do. Mark my words. It's going to be like petrol. We're all going to buy innocent stuff. They're going to send with the lube. We're going to get hooked on the lube and they're going to do. Mark my words, it's going to be like petrol. We're all going to buy innocent stuff, they're going to send with the lube, we're going to get hooked on the lube and they're going to hike the prices up. We're going to be on the street corners bloody selling my bodies for lube. Yeah, and then we'll all get

chastised because they come in plastic bottles and we don't recycle enough and you've got to look after the environment, you're all fucking lubing up. And everyone's going to get the lube in cans. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God almighty. I wonder if arse gel works similar to lube. Don't get your arse gel and your lube mixed up, kids.

They do look similar. They do look similar. Both clear. There you go. Probably is just lube. I hope not. Again, why I'm not going to use it. Lube your arse up

and go for a walk. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chocolate Quilted Shit Pig and Lord Ball Bag. Yay! This is from quite far back. I like it. I went really far back on the question. Get in. Take a y'all one hop this time you could have just left it i

can't i'm in a really nice mood and i have to say you know what i'm glad thank you i'm glad i feel like i'm back tried me best who's back i've tried my best for almost an hour to take you out of this good mood and i can't so i'm just giving in if you can't beat them join them ain't nothing ruining this mood as an avid listener of the podcast, I've been trying to encourage my partner, it is in brackets, Luke Melonhead. Okay. Is that his real name?

I don't know. I wouldn't read that bit out. I just think it's an odd name, isn't it? Melonhead. Is that real? Melonhead? I'll take it. melon head because sometimes you know when

I think she just called him a melon are you like bucket bouquet oh it does say slash melon head Luke slash melon head I think it's a nickname I don't think it's his surname he came home Wednesday night with shopping bag in hand and joined me on the couch with a bowl

I proceeded to chow down Only to realise he has Mixed Skittles And M&M's Together No way That's fucking disgusting My question is am I living with a psychopath

And shall I get out now before the wedding So he eats Skittles and M&M's together in a bowl in the same mouthful. No. Isn't that bad?

Because a Skittle, for a moment, it's chewing gum. For a moment, it's almost like fruity chewing gum and then it dissipates. Oh, nah.

And the chocolate mixed in with it. Oh my God. Why is that so bad? When I read that and I saw a picture she sent a picture it's awful

so you either you've got two options here you either well option there's always an option to not eat it but your other option is either

just grabbing handfuls of it and just chewing them through and some of it's going to be chocolate and some of it's going to be skillets and you're going what the fuck's going on here or sitting and looking

because they are a slightly different shape and obviously one's got an M on one's got an S on and specifically picking that's just an M on, one's got an S on, and specifically picking. That's just awful. Oh, my God.

It's awful. Why would you do that? I don't know. Did you ever like Rebels as a kid? No. Because it's funny, because when you look at them as a grown-up, right, you can actually decipher what they are. Yeah.

You can literally look and go, well, that's that, and that's that. But as as a kid it was really hard yeah and i hated them but i mean coffee flavor yeah coffee flavor coffee flavored anything why yeah and i love coffee so i don't understand why maybe you love coffee because you're addicted to the caffeine hit no i like the taste of coffee maybe now that we're a bit older i might try a coffee cake cake. Because I think I would like it, you know. I just, it does, I don't know, it does a job. I only drink coffee. It's okay, it tastes okay. Yeah. But I'm mainly drinking it because it wakes us up

and makes us not feel like a bag of shit in the morning. True. Like, I don't know why you would have that. Just the taste, the taste's the worst bit of coffee, let's be honest. The smell's better than the taste. Oh, I really like the taste. I guarantee you, I guarantee you, if we could rewind, right,

and you could just drink decaffeinated coffee from when, you know, we had time in Australia when you forced yourself to like coffee for like a week. It was crazy. You just forced it down, nearly crying. If there was no caffeine in it, you would never, in my opinion, I don't think you would ever have started liking it

because you just get addicted to the caffeine hit and the taste just becomes a thing. Is that what it never, in my opinion, I don't think you would ever have started liking it because you just get addicted to the caffeine hit and the taste just becomes a thing. Is that what it is? In my opinion, yeah. I'm probably wrong. I might be wrong. I'm not sure. But we've got no way of going back in time and fixing it so I'm kind of right anyway. Should we carry on? It's like, you know beer, the Desperado beer, and people go,

it's got tequila in it. It's got tequila flavour in it. Where is the factory that's making tequila flavour? it's got tequila flavour in it where is the factory that's making tequila flavour it's the worst bit do you know what I'm saying

some people like tequila I think you've actually been very opinionated here because oh sorry am I allowed

to have opinions you're allowed to have an opinion but it's just because you don't like those things just because you don't like the

taste of coffee or tequila am I supposed to know but I do like the taste of it because you're basically telling me and the listeners that if it didn't have caffeine we just wouldn't drink it

because that's my opinion juice doesn't have caffeine I still like a glass of juice but you love the taste of juice from day one you didn't like the taste of coffee you had to force yourself in every day I don't get caffeine hit off olives but I still eat them sorry never used't like the taste of coffee. You had to force yourself in every day. But I do now. Never used to like olives. I don't get a caffeine hit off olives, but I still eat them. Sorry. Never used to like the taste of wine. Sorry.

Coffee, olives, co-co-what's it called? A co-hop that you're wearing. A co-hop. A co-hop. A co-hot. And bloody decanters in the shop. What's going on here? Who have I married? Who is this? You've married a woman with a little bit of time off.

This is what happens. Saw me life out, Chris. Can you get on board? So you forced yourself to like coffee because I remember people said to you, how have you got a one-year-old

and you don't drink coffee? Because you never drank anything caffeinated. You didn't drink any drinks or coke or anything. Well, because there was that one time that I had a gig and I took two Pro Pluses and I thought I was having a heart attack.

I had to lie on the floor. They nearly called an ambulance. I'm not even joking. I thought I was dying. And so from then on, I was like, I'm all right with all this caffeine shit. That's amazing. I swear to God. Chris, they nearly rang an ambulance

I thought I was dying I've never took pro plus since so I was from then I was like well I can't drink coffee

oh man right great but that's so me point being you took you forced yourself to like coffee because of the

caffeine hit but we just skipped over the fact that you forced yourself to like olives you just said you never used to like coffee because of the caffeine here. But we just skipped over the fact that you forced yourself to like olives. You just said you never used to like olives but you forced yourself to like them. Why? Because I got really annoyed that you'd get them free with meals and I wouldn't eat them.

Well I don't like wasting food and they would come and I'd't like wasting food and they would come and I'd be like I need to start liking these because I'd get annoyed

because I think they're you know I should like these I've got quite nice taste in stuff now I love them that's just lovely

well they bring them free and I don't get to have them because I don't like them right still I can't do it with cheese. I keep trying with cheese because there's a lovely place where in South Shields

where we used to live, Black's Corner in East Bolden. Yeah. They only do like cheese and meats like charcuterie and all that. Yeah. Whenever I go, everyone eats the cheese

and I just have the meats and the crackers and it's very upsetting and I really want to like cheese. It's fantastic. Oh my God. Have you never forced yourself to like anything?

Oh no. No, I haven't. But a mate of mine, this is true, it might be Michael Fleming actually. Yeah. When he was at uni, he forced himself

to like Jack Daniels. Yeah. Because the bottle was cool. What do you mean? Because the bottle, the black with the white writing and it's got all that stuff on the front. Really, really cool. He was like mean? You know the jacked out with the bottle and the black with the white and it's got all that stuff on the front.

Really, really cool. He was like, oh, I didn't like it but I just forced myself to like it because it's cool and it sounds cool when you order it

and the bottle's cool. Awful. Do you remember, is that still a thing? Do you remember Southern Comfort? Do you remember when they went through

a little bit of a rebranding and they called themselves SoCo? And everyone went, fuck off. What are you doing? I love it when something like that happens. And did they go back off. What are you doing? I love it when somebody howls. And did they go back to Southern Comfort?

Coco Pops did it with Chocolate Krispies as well. Oh, what are they doing? Coco Pops went, hey, we've got a new name. And we went, what is it? And they went, we'd rather have a bowl of Chocolate Krispies. And we went, oh! Get that in the bin. And they went, no, no, it's sticking.

And then a few years later, they went, I'll change back. And everyone went, good, because we didn't even say it. No one even said chocolate crispies unless they were saying, have you heard these cunts have called them chocolate crispies now? So the comfort did the same. There was an advert.

Now a SoCo. Hey, just ask for a SoCo lemonade. Ask for a SoCo. Why? And everyone went, noob. No, not happening. We'll ask for a Southern Comfort and you can get back in your box

and pipe down. I love it when brands do that. What dickhead come up with that? It's really good. It's not broke. Don't fix it. Some twatting a meeting. I know.

Some twatting a meeting. They'll probably be like, well, Snickers did it. Yeah, fucking 50 years ago, mate. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Went on a date two days ago and had to get your opinions on this straight away. Oh.

We arranged to meet in a pub slash beer garden for a first date last Friday. It was above 30 degrees. I'm guessing it was that heat wave down south. Ah, nice, nice. Congrats. Jammy gets that you thought. Yeah, yeah. Beer garden on that day.

That's the dream. We were in a bloody TV studio. Oh, yeah. When he arrived, he was wearing shorts and no shirt. Sorry. I said, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise you'd been mugged. Him, I didn't.

Me, oh, I just figured this must be the only explanation. Why would you turn up topless? She's so passive aggressive, she is, straight away. Him, it's hot. Wow, you're very uptight. Date ended shortly after. Wow. Question, was I indeed being uptight? What would you have done in that situation? Sorry, no, you are very uptight. Date ended shortly after. Wow. Question. Was I indeed being uptight?

What would you have done in that situation? Sorry. No, you are totally right there. Man strolls into pub beer garden with top off for date. Ick, ick, ick. It's very arrogant as well. Awful. First date.

Show you the goods immediately. Sorry. Maybe if you are, you know, in Love Island and you were going on one of your dates and you're sitting around the pool or whatever. Yeah. Beer garden in London. Hot or not. Put a shirt on me but why is it right we spoke about this before that even when the weather reaches the same temperatures as abroad you can't be taking your top off in england i don't know what it is but if you were in spain yeah you'd fully blown be sat outside I will take my top off in England

in my own garden if it's hot or the beach very rarely would I do it at the beach just because it's England we never get above the 18 degrees

at our beach do we no chance you're bloody putting people's eyes out with your nipples there's only three reasons why men in England take their tops off

when it's hot come on then tattoos yeah muscles yeah driving a van oh why driving a van three reasons why men in England take their tops off when it's hot. Come on then. Tattoos? Yeah. Muscles? Yeah. Driving a van. Oh. Why driving a van? Just. Hot. It's kind of, you know, when you see a white van man drive past

with his top off and it's really hot, you think, there's probably no aircon in there. You're doing a laborious job, you know, there's labour involved. Fair play. I'll allow it. I'll allow that one, but the only other two reasons people do it, because they've got a nice tattoo they want to show everyone, because they're muscly but if he turns up very bold to turn up on the first date with top off i know i mean where do you go from there what's he doing just turning a

fucking come with his knob out full full knob out full knob out in weather spoons Thank you India I don't know why I started that I genuinely got a fright Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid which is part of the Acast creator network It is indeed, thank you very much As always if you want to get in touch, shagmarinoid at gmail.com and I'm going to fire

fire some announcements at you, right? Oh, come on British Podcast Awards listeners choice get on there and vote it our arena tour lot of the venues including Wembley

almost very very nearly sold out get on that as well end of announcements great can't wait to see you there we go well done

creative network and all that see you next week I'm here doing the big stuff doing the books bye bye I'm here doing the big stuff, doing the books. Bye. Bye. Bye. Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation.

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