Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 175. Double Muggins

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

On the podcast this week Rosie reveals a new musical talent in the family and Chris becomes a Golf Guy. There's a truth bomb from Sandra and beefs that get Rosie very animated! QFTP's involve some dirty dishes, a hairy meal and a gross ear wax habit. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The first omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. I know the story. What story?

Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mountain Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, LeChristopher Ramsey. LeChristopher Ramsey. Hello, bonjour to LeChristopher Ramsey. LeChristopher Ramsey. Hello, bonjour to LeChristopher Ramsey and LeRosie Ramsey.

You sound very, very happy today. Literally, your hello had a smile in it. Honestly, guys listening, do you know what I mean when you can tell when someone's smiling when they speak? You smiled your way through that little hello. It's just amazing what not having a baby say show or looming over your head does to your mental health, Chris. I'm not going to lie.

I'm really happy. I'm just going to hang on. I'm not going to lie. I'm really happy. I'm just going to hang on. I'm just going to hide my phone on the floor. You're going to hide your phone on the floor. Yeah, hide your phone on the floor. On silent, out of the way. No one can bother with it. Just sit down for the podcast.

Here we go. Yeah, I'm really happy. I'm really, I feel, I feel good. Okay, which means the I'm due on period of the month must be on the horizon somewhere it's coming soon but I have started

taking the agonist castus again so it might not be as bad although I do think it takes a few months to kick in but then again I haven't took it

for over a year what is agonist castus is it a herbal thing it's herbal because it sounds like a cactus I don't think

it's got anything to do with cactuses cacti I feel like it has because you're very prickly when you haven't had it. Oh, God. The fact you didn't even correct me on the cactuses

tells that you wanted to get that joke in. Yeah. I haven't thought of it now. I mean, they can't all be gold. They can't all be gold. No, they can't. No, genuine, hand on heart, I've put it on my Instagram before.

I would thoroughly, thoroughly recommend it. It just mellows you out. You get it from uh holland and barrett i've got mine currently the ones the tablets from boots and you can get the tincture which is a bit more just powerful but just going to take this moment to say um we are not qualified in any way to for anything like that consult your doctor don't just fucking go and take something because rosie said take it yeah please don't because there is side effects look it all up makes you quite fertile

I think that's why I stopped taking it you get them in the fucking bin now hurry up hurry up and get your little knob chopped

would you how dare you I'm sick of this Kelly's husband Nick's got it done oh that was it your mate yeah you brought your mate

round the other night like some kind of intervention to tell us how fucking her husband's had the snip and he thinks it's great hurry up he wasn't there though was he wasn't there though didn't see him because he probably died absolutely he's not what you want what you did what you want yeah you're trying to get rid of his i'm onto you i'm onto you i'm onto you so just hurry up please because it's getting you've only got a small window before something

comes up and you end up back on yeah you've only got a really small knob it won't take them long they need to get the really really tiny little do you know like when you see people like doing little sculptures

where they put like sunglasses or something on a fly and they're doing it like with a mic or them guys who like carve little scenes in grains of rice and that

or in the eye of a needle get them get them in for my snip get the smallest, go on, just a tiny little, little paper cut. I've seen them,

I've seen them little videos, where they cook like, tiny little bits of food. Have you seen them before? I saw the other day, I saw someone do a biscuit, it was a biscuit, and then the,

iced it, so it looked like a frying pan, and then they put loads of like, eggs and stuff in, with the icing and stuff, and so it basically looked like a frying pan, full of English breakfast, it's fucking great like. I love stuff like that, frying pan full of English breakfast. It was fucking great.

I love stuff like that. Britney Spears shares them all the time on Instagram. Britney Spears shares them? Just shares videos of hamsters in little houses and that. It's quite enjoyable. Good. Well. She got married recently. Congrats, Britney. Good for her. Congrats, she's using her freedom well. Bless her. Horrible, that. I know.

So guys, it's episode 175. Thank you so much for listening and coming back and welcome if you just joined. And without any further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Golf. Oh.

Hey. Hey. What? Do you enjoy being shite at something? Why don't you take yourself up some golf? Want to have a sport? Want to play a sport want to play a sport where an old man who can barely walk will literally hand you your arse golf sound good yeah

good you're up for it good how long does it take about 90 minutes no fucking hours full day hours nearly a full day madness and to be fair there's probably only about 10 days of the year in england where you can play it where it's not pissing down or windy or cold as fuck, and it doesn't feel like some kind of endurance test. Yeah. So golf. Very selfish hobby, isn't it? Selfish hobby, absolutely pointless. Looking forward to getting back into it.

Is this because you've been in the driving range a couple of times? Rosie, I'm a golf guy now. Oh, don't be a golf guy. I'm a golf guy now. There's nothing, you know, there's nothing you can do about it. I told you my ex was a golf guy. Bored the living shit out of us. Yeah us yeah again and we've talked about this before you went fucking fishing with your ex and just sat in the tent like a good dog and then you went bloody to the

driving range with your ex and you just sat i had a turn i quite enjoyed that i had a turn yeah so but you don't have to come with me i'm basically now just choosing stuff now i'm gonna have a bit of time off now i've got a bit of time off, right, not going to tour for a while and stuff. I'm going to be a golf guy. Take up some golf. Honestly,

I'd give it a month. Yeah. I'd give it a month. You are not, if you're not good at something straight away, you will not keep doing that. I often say it,

if my first stand-up gig was like a really bad crowd and they didn't laugh, I wouldn't be here now. I would not be doing stand-up. What would you think you would be doing if you weren't a stand-up comedian?

Have I not told you what I nearly did? No. Have I not told you this? What? No, I don't know. We'll talk about it after this because I feel like we're going to get the intro in. We'll do the jingle. We'll get the jingle, yeah. And by the way, now that I've said I'm going to have a bit of time off to play golf and stuff, my tour's over now. Massive thanks to everyone who came.

That's all I want to say. I've got no more tickets to vlog. Thank you very much. Thank God for that. Stop's all I want to say. I've got no more tickets to vlog. Thank you very much. Oh, thank God for that. Stop talking about these bloody gigs. Gigs? Here's the jingle. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle.

Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoole, Jingle. We hope you like the Jingle, Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Jingle! Hello, welcome back. We're just all of us obviously on the edge of our seats. Wait me here. Honestly, guys, I know you skipped that. No one heard that jingle. It's going to be a massive anti-climax, I've already told you this. Okay.

But obviously when I used to do a bit of amateur boxing and that, and fancy myself as a bit of a fit guy you know I could do at one point I could run a six minute mile great don't know what that means didn't know how long

a marathon was it's what they do in the army but I filled out the forms didn't hand them in to be in the Royal Marines shut up have I not told you this

no you've never ever told me that wow I filled out the forms to be because I had GCSEs did I have to be, because I had GCSEs. Did I have an A-level? No, I had GCSEs. I didn't have A-levels at the time. I had GCSEs.

And if you had like high GCSEs, I think you're going to apply to be an officer straight away. And I was like, oh, the officer course. I filled them in. Thank fuck I didn't hand them in because I could not have hacked it. I don't know who I was kidding. I mean, yeah, absolutely not.

You'd have been there six months. Yeah, I'd have been there a day. I'd have been there a day and I would have phoned my mum crying and my mum would have came and picked us up. I'm not that guy. There's just a huge part of me though

that kind of wishes that you've done it so I could just say, he's a Marine. What's that? Grease. Oh, for fuck's sake. Never seen Grease. Do it for our country.

No, no, no. The red, white and the blue. No, no, no. The red, white and blue. Come on, come on. That's enough. That's enough. But yeah, I don't, it would have been a nightmare. It would have been the worst thing ever.

Yeah, it would have lasted. I would have literally got there and I'd have been like, is this the food? This isn't nice. You've got mayonnaise. Someone would have fucking punched me in the face.

You've got to make your bed for a start. Oh. I dig in there, didn't you? I dig in there, didn't you? What do you think I would have been? Oh, I dig in there, didn't you? I dig in there, didn't you? What do you think I would have been? Oh, dinner lady?

Lollipop lady? Dinner lady? It's far too part-time I'd have been skinned. Chip shop? Working a chip shop? No, my friend worked in a chip shop and her hair stunk. All the time. I couldn't handle that

to be fair she had very very she had big afro hair yeah Mariam she was my best friend growing up and in the summer holidays

her uncle owned a fish and chip shop yeah and she used to work there and obviously because she had such big hair she didn't wash it all the time obviously

because it would just take ages she fucking stuck honestly every day I was like, Mariam, we had a sleepover. Yeah, but I know you though,

so you'd be like, fucking sucking her hair in that, you, because you love chips and that. Well, no, I think we had a sleepover at one point. When she woke up and you were sucking her hair.

No, we had a sleepover. No, she was sat and she was laying next to me on the pillow and I was like, I can't sleep here. Wow. I was like,

you'd smell like a fucking, a deep fat fryer. Deep fat fryer. It was very bad. It was very bad. It was so bad. And even, I mean, she admitted it as well. Yeah. But yeah, so I couldn't have done that.

I could have, I could happily work in like the, you know, in a school when you're not the dinner lady. Because that's having to look after children without the payment of it. Well, I'm 99% sure dinner ladies get paid. Yeah, of course they do. I don't think they just get given leftovers. But they get the hard shift, the playground shift.

You're shitting me. Yeah, yeah. The horrible, I've worked in schools, the just bloody aloe of the place. Carnage at dinner times. Carnage at dinner times.

I'm alright for that. An hour of free time? Absolutely not. You're joking me. No, no thank you. Although I would have been like the dinner lady who looked after me

who used to have, I told you about the dinner lady who was after me who used to have I told you about the dinner lady who was tutted all the time? No. When you hadn't eaten your carrots you'd look at her and you'd go

Rosie carrots like that. I refuse to believe you hadn't eaten your carrots. I know. Well it might have been something else.

I don't know. I do like carrots. But it would be the Rosie Rosie stop eating everyone else's carrots. Did you ever get seconds at school? God fucking God, no.

Eh? Rosie, I was pathetic. So I hated school dinners. I wouldn't eat them. I used to take a packed lunch. Oh, cool. Of course you were a packed lunch kid. Ask us what was in my packed lunch.

Oh, something like, I bet you had a trio. I definitely had trios. Or a posh club. Trio and like. What was your sandwich? Jam sandwich? Bread and butter. Oh, what?

That was pathetic. Not a bit of protein? No, no, no. Bread and butter. Right, what was it? Bread and butter, pack of crisps. Pack of crisps,

sometimes a cheese string, a trio, bread and butter. And a sunny delight. No, it can't be sun or a little... No, it was a carton of ibina. It was a carton of ibina. What?

Oh, I... Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. Nah. I remember all me other mates uh no it can't be son or a little or no it's a carter ibina it's a carter ibina what all right holy shit yeah yeah nah i remember uh all my other mates had all kinds of fucking stuff coming out there's proper sandwiches you know getting getting nutrients and stuff in them bits of fruit remember one lad brought a pepper army in one day no one knew what was going on oh wow carnage we weren't we weren't allowed to go and pack lunch i had the amount of times that i begged to go and pack lunch absolutely my mom was like, absolutely not. Think I'm bloody making lunches every day for you little twads. No way.

I used to cry. Please. But mine would have been a shit pack lunch. There'd have definitely been a bit of fruit in there and that. Yeah. Well, no, not for a good one, though, compared to mine. Mine was good for like... But honestly, I can't believe I'm still alive.

I used to eat... I used to live on like Goodfellas pizzas potato waffles turkey jettas didn't you like turkey dinosaurs turkey jettas because they're like drier they were amazing yeah but i'd like less sort of i don't know they were like less meaty than turkey dinosaurs god knows how much was in there but yeah i just i was the bad bad eater but my mom told me she used to fucking save me bolognese sauce i justrific. I used to have spaghetti with fucking red water on it. But the thing is though, why didn't you just, like leave it till you get hungry?

Yeah. Because if you are starving, you will eat. She tried everything. She tried everything. Do you see what Robin ate the other night? I made like mince with sweet corn and peas. Yeah. And to be fair, he will eat mince and he'd eat sweet corn,

he'd eat peas, but separately. Yeah. But I put them all together because I'd made it for Rave like a batch thing and I hide some on his plate with some pasta and cheese and he ate the full thing

because he was clamming and I was like he would never have ate that in a million years but because he was starving and I think that's what your mum needed to do honestly I don't think

it would have worked I was determined I was stuck oh no I'm talking I'd have left you for three fucking days wow absolutely

wow no no I'm talking, I'd have left you for three fucking days. Wow. Absolutely. Wow. No. No, I would. Oh, my God. You can't, bread and butter, every day did you have that? Oh, aye, aye, aye, aye. Bread and butter.

Eat that. Yeah. And me mate, who was even worse than me, I'm not going to name him a machine, but if he listens, he knows who he is. He used to come to my house and stay on a Saturday night and then the next morning

I would have like toast or something, bread and butter or toast or whatever. He would have just a warm stott and butter or toast or whatever he would have just a warm stottie so a stottie is obviously just like a bread bun

I can't be arsed to get into what a stottie is google it it's like a round flat bread bun if you're not from the north east and he just used to have a quarter of a stottie put in the microwave

for sort of 10 seconds so it was warm and he just ate it and you were the most waif thin lad I know exactly who you're talking about honestly

I literally can't believe I actually shat I can't believe I could physically shit I can't believe I just wasn't sitting on the toilet every day just like screaming

just like just stodge I didn't drink water terrible but your mum and dad eat so healthy yeah couldn't get me to

they couldn't get me to nah they never tried hard enough right so they're bowled over about stuff sorry they're folded about stuff like that like they'd eaten they just wouldn't try

they just gave in but certain things you know what I was thinking about the other day can you remember them magazines where it would come I don't see as many

I still watch kids tell you with Robin and stuff and I don't see as many of these adverts can you remember every other fucking minute when we were kids there was an advert on

for a magazine where you could build something but you had to get it every month yeah so it was like oh build you know like a fucking

build a human body first sort of issue 99 pence yeah and you got it and you were like yeah and the next

you went to the shop the next time to get the next one and the next issue was like 4.99 yes and your mum was like fuck that

yeah yeah yeah do you know how many first issues I had of stuff with the first bits I know exactly what you mean I got how my body works so I got the little plinth to stand the thing on

and to put all the body parts in and then it was like she got us two or three of them and she was like fuck this and so many of them I got the third like car

build a car like the wheels and then it was like you don't get the next one it's gone up one of them called bugs I think it was yes and it was all about insects and stuff yeah i did the full lot i built a glow-in-the-dark like exoskeleton of a tarantula and every week my mom was like when when is this gonna end because it was like fucking three four quid a pop

do you know what i mean or a month maybe yeah and then on the final one i had like my mom was like it must be finished i was like it's not finished i need to get the final bit the next the final episode issue was like the little bit at the back of the spider's ass where the sort of silk comes out where the web comes out and then four bits for the next thing you had to build she was like fuck not a this. Not a chance. Immediately stopped it. I totally, I love them. Love them. I don't know if I ever had one though. Nah, I doubt you would have.

Nah, there's three of them, man. You can't, you know, one gets one. Everyone else has got to get one. I do, I went a bit mad at one point with Filofaxes. I'm not going to lie. I went a bit mad. What are you talking about? Just because.

I went a bit mad with Filofaxes. Well, because when you bought a Filofax. Filofaxes are riches. Welcome to Filofaxes Anonymous. I went a bit mad with Filofax. Well, because when you bought a Filofax. Filofax are riches. Welcome to Filofax's Anonymous. I'm Rosie. Hi, Rosie. FFA. No, because once you bought the actual.

At one point. I had 12 Filofaxes. And nowhere to go. So brave, Rosie. There was nothing in them. The diary pot part I left bare I didn't even have a job the contacts

page I didn't have any one phone number in it you're so brave Rosie no because you could buy loads of different parts so you could buy like the sticker section and then the loads of like the address part because when you bought a filofax it was pretty big

the actual bones of it the crux of the Filofax was a bit shit how many years now have you been cleaning the

sofa from Filofaxes it's been honestly about 18 years thank you great work see you guys guys I hope Rosie's story

has inspired everyone out there if I can do it anyone can so I think we might have another singer Hope Rosie's story's inspired everyone out there. No, and see, if I can do it, anyone can. So, I think we might have another singer in the family. Oh, for fuck's sake. Don't want to tempt fate.

Which one? Which one of those two boys do I have to go and bollock? Rafe does like singing about Robin. He's been making up some little songs. Right. So, we're told he is, last week, I think it was. Yeah, but he's... Was it last week or the week before? His nickname for Rafe.

His nickname for Rafe, Chubby nickname for Rafe Chubby McGuts Chubby McGuts yeah he has made a song about it would you like to hear it yes always okay when was this

this was this was when you were putting Rafe to bed the other night we were downstairs in the kitchen singing was this when I had a stamp on the

yeah yeah yeah this is when I had a stamp on the fucking floor because I was taking the baby to bed and you and a bat on the floor. Yeah, this is when I had a stamp on the fucking floor because I was taking the baby to bed and you and Robin were having some kind of concert downstairs. I didn't know you'd heard me stamping on the floor.

Yeah, fully blown. Yeah, yeah. It was awful. It was really passive aggressive. What else am I supposed to do? I'm honestly, he's nodding off. I'm bonding with my child while singing some songs.

Riff's nodding off. I'm trying to wind him and I had to literally stand up, right, and just fucking stamp on the floor as loud as I could. I think I'm a man upstairs trying to put his baby I had to literally stand up, right, and just fucking stamp on the floor as loud as I could. I think I'm a man upstairs trying to put his bed under absolute stress.

Well, anyway, do you want to hear this song? Absolutely, yeah. So this is Chubby My Gut by Robin Ramsey, age six. Right, hang on. Oh, oh, Ray,

you are my brother. You're smelly and you're welly and you're chubby. Thank you. Yeah, yeahubby and the well, well boy It's my brother, right? And then my sir man, that is sir name for me It's Chubby McGoats Wow.

I enjoy that. What's that song? Is it Timber? It sounds a bit like Timber, or that other one. What's the one where you're going to die? It is, it's Timber. Is it?

I'm singing, yeah, I'm yelling Timber. I don't know what it was, but it sounded, no, what's the one, one day you leave this world, so live a life you will remember. I think it was that.

Oh, da, da, da, the difference I've alone. that. Oh, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Well, I thought he'd make it on. Get the lawyers on the phone. Let's get him locked up. He's also, he sang a little song about you and I. About, oh, fucking hell. Well, it's separate, so sorry about this, guys. Feel free to skip the next two minutes because this is just our child singing. But this is about me. Right.

And it's always just off the cuff. This was actually a little bit of role play because I ended up joining in. You joined in on a song about you. That's you all over, that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking classic. I was just quite the cuff this was actually a little bit of role play because i ended up and i ended up like joining in you joined in a song about you that's you all over that is yeah yeah yeah i was just quite impressed so this is uh about me so here we go rude nice She's a grandma. She's a grandma. Wow. Excuse me, she went to your bedroom. No!

Wow. Christopher! No! Scott, just got a bit dramatic. He's nailed it, to be fair. He's got all your character traits. What do you mean? Loud, angry, shouting, telling people to stop it and go to bed. Do I hear yours?

I don't know. Is it as cutting as yours? Is it better? I don't know. I can't remember. Ready? Right. Talk yours? Is it better? I don't know. I can't remember. Right, ready? Right. Fucking hypocrite. Okay, he's just filling now.

Hey! That is slander. What the fuck? Jesus. Apologies to everyone who listened to that. That is slander. He's a hypocrite, by the way, because his shits are like builder shits.

Oh, I know. It's ridiculous, isn't it? He sits and fucking nests on them for about 45 minutes. I know. Horrendous. Oh, God. Horrendous. So, there we go.

That was not nice when you told him to join in about the bike. That's not nice. What? What? I take him on bike rides and everything. Helping his creativity. Zoom's ahead of me. I'll be leaving him halfway around the bike track next time. Does he think he is? Tosser. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. I was pure

Sandra the other day and I haven't told you about it yet. Right. You know how she just likes to slam our little slams. Well, I haven't told you about it yet you know how she just likes to slam our little slams well I mean the pair you do because let's not forget less than an hour ago

I came downstairs in a new shirt that I bought and I asked you both how it looked and you just both sat in silence and stared at us

for about honestly it felt like about 10 minutes must have been about 30 seconds but it was still quite a while when you put a brand new shirt

on that you think you look good in so yeah that's going back to the shop no it was awful sorry I know like it wasn't great I'm not going to lie to you am I but it was still quite a while when you put a brand new shirt on that you think you look good in. Yeah, that's going back to the shop. No, it was awful. Sorry. No, yeah. It wasn't great.

I'm not going to lie to you, am I? It's just the way you said it, really. But okay, carry on. I was at my mum's the other day and these were her exact words. Right. I was out yesterday with Jan, went to the Charas charity shops,

bought a pair of shorts. They're absolutely massive. They'll probably fit you. Exact words. they're absolutely massive they'll probably fit you exact words they're absolutely massive they'll probably fit you wow jellyfish oh wow

that's really good so that was nice that's fantastic that was great for me self esteem I did bring them home annoyingly but I haven't tried them on

because I kind of don't want them to fit you know they'll fit no they might not that's the sad thing they're probably a bit tight the worst thing in the world is having a mother

that's thinner than you and a mother in law and alright alright I'm joking man it's just because you in law and alright alright I'm joking man it's just because you say it all the time I'm joking

it's horrendous I'm joking I hate it actually you're beautiful might start like poisoning them with like I don't know

protein bars or something saturated fats oh god yes what's this this apple tastes funny it's a toffee apple just finish it finish it now

eat the full thing. You've got three more. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway

and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH,

the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.

It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Right, ladies first, what's your beef what's your beef beef beef beef beef right ladies first what's your beef my beef with you is that when you write out the card on an occasion right i haven't mentioned this have i don't think i have i don't think you have you forget that you spoke about this you forget that you've got a family right so we had an argument uh a couple of weeks ago because we were at a christening of two very good friends of ours. Their little boy was getting christened. Chris is a godfather.

You come to me on the day my daughter's to be married and you ask me to do murder. What, they've got that boy back in? No, no. Oh, fuck's sake. It's not as good when you do it. Nah, it's not. It's nowhere near as good.

I was doing, sorry, just to be a pedant, I was doing Vito Corleone, you did Michael Corleone's son. No idea. Different guy. No idea. Can't remember. Brilliant.

Can't. Awful. Haven't even seen the second one. Great. Couldn't give a shit. And the quote you did is from the third one as well. Oh, really?

It's only, I know it's from Sopranos. Yeah. Whatever. So, Christopher is Godfather, Cody's Godfather. I bought,father I bought obviously I bought

the present and the card because I mean you know Chris is a child and can't do anything can't busy he filled out the card

right I feel like just from himself only from himself I feel like I've been fucking stitched up here right because you never let me

fill out cards or write anything like when we're signing the books and stuff if someone's like oh you know can you sign the book

it's to Laura or whatever you won't let me even write to Laura all the best because me writing is so bad you haven't got

very good handwriting honestly handwriting I think we should phase it out I think we should phase it out I feel like we've

gone past it what year is it why are we still writing stuff with our hands are you taking the piss no are you actually

honestly what's wrong with you you want to phase out? We should phase it out. Phase it out. Oh. Yeah. Oh, God.

Why do you want to keep it? Honestly, you will be getting sucked off by a robot in 10 years' time. I swear. What, am I waiting 10 years? I swear. What, am I waiting 10 years? You want to phase out? Phase it out.

Writing. Surely, there must be. There must be able to get something where you can just type it on your phone. Put a little thing on the back of your phone, you know, a little spray thing or whatever, you know, a little printer,

a little nozzle and you just type in what you want to do and then just hold your phone above the card and it just goes, and it just puts it on the card. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, but then what about the day that that breaks? Because stuff breaks.

Right. What are you going to do? Well, just go. Where's your pens, Chris? Where's your paper? Threw them all away. Threw them all away. Threw them all away

when I got my little ink cartridge. Yeah. Dickface. Where are you going to order them from? Oh, I hate. Somewhere. You don't want to write. your pens Chris where's your paper threw them all away threw them all away when I got my little ink cartridge dick face where are you going to order them from oh I hate somewhere you don't want to write things anymore

get rid of it get rid of handwriting honestly I get really really I have like a panic attack if I've got to write something down I've tried to look

at my old I remember a while ago I tried to look at my old comedy notebooks and I was like I don't know what they say I mean mine is atrocious do you know I worked out

why my handwriting is so bad as well why do you know I went to the doctors when I was younger and she was like I don't know what they say I mean mine is atrocious do you know I worked out why my handwriting is so bad as well why do you know I went to the doctor when I was younger and she was writing out a prescription

and she wrote it really fast and I was like that's really cool so I focused on speed rather than technique oh my god I hate you

I hate you it's like when you type when you type on like a keyboard you're trying to do it so fast that you get it wrong all the time so keyboard, you're trying to do it so fast that you get it wrong all the time so you have to go back and do it.

I can't believe that, but I can believe it at the same time because I saw you. Yeah, I saw the doctor. Oh, Jesus. She used to lay out and write just really, really fast and I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's it. And yeah, I just focused on getting me writing really quick

without making it neat. Oh, God. And I put my head right down on the paper as well when i write does anyone else do this i like i'm almost lying down on the bit of paper as i write it like my head goes right down next to my hand you're so weird i hate it anyway i hate it right in my defense sorry you gave me the card and you went here fill that card out and i thought right you never asked me to fill cards out so this must be cod's army's godfather this must be just for me so i wrote a lovely little passage

and then I had to quickly write yours and Rafe's and Robin's name on the other side because I didn't even know through. Because, because, right, I was like,

you're his godfather, which is a lovely thing, which is such a lovely responsibility. I was like, you should write out his card. Don't forget about your family. Well, you know.

We're still your family. Love, love, Chris. And only Chris. Just me written on. Oh, Chris. And I had to go on the. Love, love, Chris. And only Chris. Just me written on. Oh, Chris. And I had to go on the other side.

Brackets, sorry, called me whole family. I tried to muscle in on this moment between me and you. It's from them as well, I suppose. Close brackets. Oh my God. Yeah.

Ridiculous. But yeah, phase out handwriting. Let's normalise phase and out handwriting. Let's get rid of it. Absolutely not. Let's get rid of handwriting. I'm all for, I love a notepad, mate. Love a pen and paper. pen and paper hey don't talk like that you'll go back that's a notepad

is a slippery slope back to filofaxes you've done really well i've got to be able to talk about it right so i imagine it's like what is it what's it called not a gateway is it yeah yeah it's a gateway drug yeah no pads are gateways to filofaxes before you know it you'll have a big ring binder they'll be hell on oh you have a clipboard ah do they still do filofaxes stop googling filofaxes you're not having a filofax i would really really like one. Walk around like fucking Del Boy. It's me birthday soon. Oh my god. The do.

Oh my god they're quite posh. Oh there's an emerald green one. 56 quid! And they're taking the piss. Yeah. And there's us. There's us bankrupt. She's shouting 56 quid now

but she's going to look at all the little bits and go okay it's quite good value for money. No it's not actually. Going to have six of them. Nah it's not that good. What are you looking for that on? Harrods? No it's John Lewis. You don't get anything. Where's all the bits? and it's quite good value for money no it's not actually gonna have six of them nah it's not that great what you looking for that on

Harrods no it's John Lewis you don't get anything where's all the bits where's the paper there's no paper in it you gotta get them separately

first issue's 99 pence but then it's 4.99 after that it is file of facts pocket inserts ruled paper for 150

so you gotta buy the paper to go inside it's hard to get you it really is like a like a drugs racket it is I'm telling you what a jip oh my beef with you

yes I realised this yesterday what you don't let me do now let's

don't get too angry here let's just finish what I'm saying right you don't let me do anything the other day you don't let us do anything, right? I've written it down so I don't get it wrong. Oh, look at you looking at your notes, you little pussy! I sit on my phone, right?

That's offensive. I sit on my phone, right? It's like, what are you doing on your phone? Talk to us. Get off your phone. Talk to us, right? I got my Switch out the other day, right? I started playing Nintendo Switch. Ick, by the way. Brilliant. Ick. Brilliant. Want to shag me after you've sat on your computer again? No, thank you.

Not 13 anymore actually well listen I just instead of sitting on my phone I thought I'll do something where it's a bit interactive

so I sat on my Nintendo Switch get off that why have you got that can you just put that down please and talk and then you want

like one little bit you want to talk about but then I've got to sort of wait and stand to attention in case you've got some

other question or thought that I've got to have bombarded at us right in a day to go and put something on the telly that i want to watch same again like this on oh because loads of times i walk in and you're watching selling sunset or whatever and i've got to sit and watch it no right i'll stop you right there don't you day because you will not watch those things with us and you actually make it your mission to get them off so don't how dick then you hypocrite then what you do okay maybe maybe i overstepped the line there but what you do is you'll go why is this on put something else on i put something else on and then i look over and you're sitting

on your phone you're not even watching the thing bullshit that's bollocks you watched the ufc last night oh and i didn't i fucking didn't i pay for it didn't i pay for it stomping around the house you were fuming absolutely fuming weren't you clomping around the house you were. Fuming. Absolutely fuming. Weren't you? Clomping. Listen, you go and watch your little iPad. There's always something playing or you've got your headphones. You're podcasting or something.

You always get their moments. I dare to try and have a little moment of just me on a phone or a screen. You come in. Come in. I've got to be standing to attention. No. Not finished.

I've got to be standing to attention in this house constantly ready for action. Right. Like a waiter in the corner of a restaurant. So I've just looked, I've got to keep eye contact, wait for you to look over

and nod and bring another fucking plate of bread over. Bullshit. You get hours on Minecraft which you've already said that you love. With our son. I'm parenting.

Whatever. I only ever watch my iPad or listen to podcasts when I'm either getting ready or when I'm cooking. Or doing the washing. Or doing the washing. Or putting clothes away.

Or putting clothes away. Or making the bed. Yeah. I'm cooking. Or doing the washing. Or doing the washing. Or putting clothes away. Or putting clothes away. Or making the bed. Yeah. I'm sorry. Do some jobs. Do some housework. You'll get a bit of time to watch your things.

You love them. Fuck off. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. How dare you? You get these puppets of time to do these things.

It's only whenever I'm doing stuff. I can't play on a... For the family! I can't play on a Switch while putting stuff away. I need me hands. Now you need to find something else that you can listen to. Oh, I'm fuming.

I feel like this one's backfired. It's backfired massively. Do you think I just leave you lot and go and watch a programme? Do I shite? I'd flippin' love to do that. I did find you sitting in the chair the whole of the other day on your phone. I did find you doing that. I was ordering clothes for our children.

Do you know when the kids are going to have holiday... Abracadabra! They're all dressed for the holidays. Who's got all of those things? Muggins here. Who's bought the nappies? Who's bought the swimmin' nappies? Who's bought the sun creams? Who has bought everything for this holiday?

Who booked the holiday? Didn't you make a little claim the other day going, oh, the hotel's got this, got that. Who booked it? Muggins? I didn't even know where we were going. Who booked the bloody, I booked the parking at the airport. Right.

Honestly, I've booked everything. I've booked and done everything. You've done nothing, Christopher. You're going to turn up and you're going to have a little pint in your hand, probably 11 o'clock, and I'm going to look at you with daggers going, we've got two kids, don't get pissed. And you've done nothing towards it. And honestly. No, no, no, no, I'm not finished. at you with daggers going, we've got two kids, don't get pissed. And you've done nothing towards it.

And honestly, no, no, no, no, I'm not finished. Once upon a time, it was okay, right? Because annoyingly, we slipped into that world of where I didn't have a job

and you worked. And I was like, you know what? He goes to work, I'll do everything for the home. And that was the nice compromise. Now, it doesn't work like that anymore because we've both got jobs

and we both do as much as each other. So you know what? Step up, Ramsey. Listen. Step the fuck up. Listen to this. Listen to me now, right? I'm done.

I don't talk anymore. No, listen to me. I remember just before we started this podcast today, you looked on your computer and you said, I don't really have a beef show and not do beefs.

Can I accept that now? Nah, you've really not, was there? Oh, well. A pocket of time. Listen, we've got to do a babaduba and we've got to move on right we've got to keep this

keep it light I feel like I got very like yeah no you clapped loud like what's it called yeah you referred to yourself you double mugginsed yourself which I've never seen that happen I've never seen that happen

in real life it's like a bloody Tina Comet that I enjoyed that a double muggins I've been watching a lot of Real Housewives I can tell

you've got a bit of sass yeah see you have been watching a lot of Real Housewives. I can tell you've got a bit of sass. See, you have been watching a lot of it in your free time. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public, public, public,

public, public, public, public, public, public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, shagged, married out, stop singing over my call to action. Right?

Smelly and he's well worldly and he's chubby. Oh, my brother. That's quite nice. Yeah, guys, if you want to get in touch, shagmaridenoid at gmail.com. Please continue to send all of your horrific and lovely and hilarious things. They really are, you know. Really? Bravo.

Bravo to everyone who sent one in. Right. Hi, Ramses. I have two stories for you. Hopefully, at least one will make you giggle Fingers crossed Can't remember if I deleted the first one But we'll see

I live in the US of A It doesn't say of Is that the right way to say it Is it just USA Sorry I just want to take a moment Is your question Is it USA or US of A? Do you think in the Olympics,

when it says like GB and like Oz and like IRE? Well, no, it just says USA, doesn't it? So it is USA. Are you sure? Have you zoomed in on the screen? Is there not a tiny little love in between? No. Are you sure?

Okay. But where does that come from then? US of A? Say it as words. The say it is a thing. Say it as words from then US of A say it as words say it as words now US of A United States of America there you go that's where it's come from

so you can use both what do you mean they're from America right no no no let's go back what do you mean just can you say both it's not wrong it's not completely wrong, is it? U.S. of A?

No. Okay. Well, you look at us like I was stupid. Because the question's stupid, not the fact that you're saying it. The question's really stupid. Anyway, they live in America. Recently started seeing a guy a bit younger than me. I'm sorry, I'm stunned.

I'm absolutely stunned. Is it B and B or B and B? Which one's wrong? Do both. It's fine. So you can just do both? That and B or B and B? Which one's wrong? Do both. It's fine. So you can just do both. That's all he could have said. Yeah, because the...

It was the fact that you thought there was a rule. Oh, this is just... Honestly, if I was listening to this, I'd have turned off by now. You'd have probably turned off when you were shouting and clapping earlier on. Like a mad person. Maybe they did.

Maybe they clapped along. Good. So our new guy's a bit younger than her. So she lives in... America. The United States of US. Yeah um recently started seeing a guy a bit younger than me i'm 26 and he's 23 fucking hell that's not it's really not that bad is it she's gonna make a big thing of this well he is fairly mature he's three years younger than it's nothing i suppose if you're 26 no I can actually

those that gap that age a lot changes I think they're past it a bit I think

they're just about to go over the hill so 29 to 26 wouldn't be as big a

gap as this same way that 20 to 17 would be fucking gargantuan

yeah go on then I was doing a lot of things differently

at 23 than I was at 26. Let's just put it that way. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? He's fairly mature and takes a lot of boxes. E.G. has his own business. Nice. At 23? At 23. Good for him. Very calm, which is, you know, nice treating someone. Has his own

house. Sorry, why is very calm the second thing she's listed? She might have probably had a lot of, like, you know yeah testosterone steroidy remember lads who do steroids and they used to just get get angry on a night out and you'd be like whoa and then someone someone would go take steroids and you go yeah make sense make sense make sense yeah like the same people all the time and you go why are they just fucking angry all the time and you'd be like oh oh this is right so this is a really random little side story um so when you said he takes roid and kicks off in the night out all i think of is when we were younger it was always the lads who went out in the a gray really tight long sleeve

t-shirt with a cowl neck yeah yeah so when me and carl are on tour and we'll go to the the hotel gym for a laugh i always say let's do shoulders and triceps right and the joke is that where it comes from is two lads from my school when they were 16 they used to go to springs in south shields the gym right and they used to on a on a i think a Friday night, they'd go quite late, right, so like 6 o'clock, do just shoulders, loads of shoulder weights and loads of tricep weights, so their shoulders and triceps were really bulky, then get changed at Springs and go straight to the pubs

with their long sleeve, tight ones on, but it was always shoulders and triceps, so I looked massive in the pub. Ew. Shoulders and triceps, look massive, shower triceps so I look massive in the pub. Shoulders and triceps look massive, shower there, clothes on,

straight to the pub. Crank. Rats. He's calm, he's got his own business. He's on roids. He's not on roids. He's not on roids.

Has his own house and he actually knows where the clitoris is so that's good. Marry him. This guy sounds amazing. Sounds great. Great for a 23 year old

right well right oh god there are two things that make me want to vomit in my mouth i bet he sounds so perfect i bet he's still fucking breastfeeds or something i don't think he's that bad but he's yeah he is a big gym person oh here we And eats chicken, broccoli and rice and ketchup blended every day. Sorry, does she mean blended, blended, blended? No, I think she just means like mixed up together. Right. So chicken, broccoli, rice, which I'm all for. Yeah.

Ketchup, I would eat it. I do like ketchup. But he eats all that mixed together every day. See, this is, you know when I'm all, you know. Every day. You know when I go like, oh, but I'm weird and oh, why can't I, that's because I don't need children. Yeah, chicken, broccoli and rice. That loves me a why can't I? That's because I don't eat chill. Yeah.

Chicken, broccoli and rice. That loves me a bit of butter. And ketchup. Yeah, every day. He eats it out of a large metal mixing bowl that he will not wash. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah.

Look, I'm not shaming anyone for getting fit and eating, you know, filling their body with good stuff. Fucking hell, I wish I could do it. Yeah. Look, I'm not shaming anyone for getting fit and eating, you know, filling their body with good stuff. Fucking hell, I wish I could do it. Yeah. But eat. So basically, like a dog. Yeah. Like a dog.

Like a big bowl with the same meal in it. Big metal mixing bowl. With the same meal in it every time and it doesn't get washed. When I asked him if I could clean it for him because I didn't want him to die of salmonella, he said said oh no I never wash that bowl it strengthens

my immune system he's a he's a fucking maniac what's his business awful isn't it oh god guess how long it's been since

he's washed it shut up man er right someone must have accidentally what are you hmm guess how long it's been four months shut up man right someone must have accidentally what are you hmm

guess how long it's been four months since he's washed it four months higher shut up six

higher eight higher ten higher a year eleven months fucking Christ

he hasn't washed this metal ball for eleven months I can just see it I think it's made like another sort of layer of the bowl. You know, so the bits where there'll be bits right at the top that he doesn't scrape off where it's gone. Oh my god,

there's more, there's more. Did I mention he also eats his breakfast out of it every day too? He's got his own business. He's got his own business and he's only got one fucking bowl do you know what his breakfast is they wonder if it's a calm

it's like a fucking old labrador what's his breakfast his breakfast is egg whites mixed with rice and cottage cheese in the same bowl yep oh god

please tell him that this is vile and whenever he offers me a spoonful of whatever he's eating, it makes my vagina dry up like the Sahara Desert. Oh, from the fucking air, from the history bowl. That keeps memories of all the food that's been in it. It's awful. Oh, my God.

It's crusted with chicken bits and ketchup. Well, you know how hard the little manky bits of ketchup go if they go outside the bottle or something or they go on the edge of the squirt? Yes. And ketchup, I love tomato ketchup. but if you don't wash it it's got a really strong smell strengthens my immune system horrific isn't it how does he know that that's take some fucking vitamin d oh my god oh mate that's a deliberate biohazard. Yeah. Consuming food.

Terrible, isn't it? I love the idea that when he gets it, he's like, but me ball, but I've been eating out me manky, crusty cottage cheese. Sorry, cottage cheese. Horrible. What was it? Cottage cheese. Rice and...

Chicken. Let's just go over some of the fatal ingredients here. Cottage cheese, which is going to go manky. Chicken, which is going to go fucking disgusting. Ketchup, which is going to be crusty as anything. Egg white. Egg white. Egg white and cottage cheese for his breakfast?

Yeah. With rice. Rice for his breakfast? No pleasure. I mean, have you ever been to a restaurant with this man? I bet he is on roads, you know. I don't know. He doesn't need to be.

Does he ever go to a restaurant? Chris is horrendous. But, you know. I don't know. He doesn't need to be. Does he ever go to a restaurant? Chris is horrendous, but you know, people are really strange. So I think she just wants us to tell him, pack it in, wash your bowl. Dude, I'm not even going to slag off your food here.

Wash your bowl. What's the matter with you? Maybe just keep a bit of cutlery that you don't wash. No, no. Just do all that. You're eating healthy enough. Your immune system will be fine.

You don't need to half poison yourself every day very odd you're a maniac but you know what it is I bet you look very good in a long grey tight fitted t-shirt

shoulders and eyes shoulders and eyes before you go to the pub to drink water find some glitters to drink water and watch everyone else eat nice stuff

babadoo babadoo babadoo bah speaking of dishes yeah and stuff like that right hi Chris and Rosie when you mentioned

the smell of your dishwasher the other week and mentioned salt will fix it I have to thank you I've been a student for five years and never knew you needed to put salt

in the dishwasher and now our pots don't smell anymore wow thank you no worries at all you're welcome we're here for you.

Wow. Grim, isn't it? Just a bit. Why do these smell so bad? You've got to put rinse aid in. When they find out about rinse aid, they're going to blow their minds. Rinse aid, salt,

and then your little tablet thing. The little tablet thing kind of has them stuff in it, but you've got to have salt in it. You've got to look after it. You've got to look after the dishwasher. You've got to look after the dishwasher. There we go.

Just, you know, not all hilarious, not all disgusting, just a little bit of good housekeeping advice there from Shag M in it. You've got to look after it. You've got to look after the dishwasher. You've got to look after the dishwasher. There we go. Just, you know, not all hilarious, not all disgusting, just a little bit of good housekeeping advice there from Shag Mound and I. You're welcome. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Here is a story from my mum as she couldn't write in herself. Okay. Not sure why. Handwriting's probably shite. She's probably got rid of all the handwriting. She's gone the other way. She's got rid of keyboards and things and she can only handwrite. we've got no post portal address my mom was relaxing on a spa day chatting to my auntie in the jacuzzi when another lady got in with them and started to join in their

conversation being polite they included her but it was a bit awkward right soon she began to tell them her life story bragging about her family etc not taking the hints that they weren't interested she continued to talk to them her brother who had a very successful career in the navy you know had recently died provoking sympathetic responses from my mom and auntie this encouraged her to tell them how he died. The big sea got him. Oh, how awful, said my auntie. Could he not swim? asked my mum. Fuck me! Cancer dear, he didn't fall in the sea.

Oh, I didn't even think of that. Oh, that's mortifying. How do you get over saying that to someone? So cue the suppressed belly laughter coming from them both. They made their excuses and left. Imagine the big C. Obviously, when you said the big C, my first one was cataracts. Of course it is.

Because that was what you said on the podcast ages ago. But that is so nearly every single interaction i have conversation i have with anyone i always play it over backwards in my head and realize i've said at least one done at least one embarrassing or stupid or said some stupid thing all the time i always do it i'll wait in the middle of the night thinking about stuff for some reason on the peloton today i i remembered when i'd went out on a night out i worked at all sports i went out on a night out uh and the next morning i rang my manager and said at all sports and said i'm hungover is it okay if i don't come in and he went no come in and i had to go in and

i just sat on the peloton this morning going why the fuck did i do that because you're you're ridiculous yeah we met somebody the other week who was in a band and they were saying that they'd done a venue in Leeds. I was trying, right, this was a joke. This was painful, this. They were talking to her and they were like, we did this venue in Leeds

and I was like, oh wow. And she was like, it's beautiful. And she went to you, have you ever done it? And you went, we do arenas. And I was like, oh my God. So that's not what I was talking about. So that, I have been agonising, agonising was the word I was looking for,

I've been agonising over that for ages. Why did you say it? You weren't there for the conversation we had beforehand about how some venues are beautiful and some venues are cavernous spaces. It was a reference to the venue being a cavernous space. She didn't get it, you didn't get it, I felt like a fucking cunt,

for going on five or six days now. Yeah, you sounded horrendous. She kept saying all these beautiful venues. And my point was, oh, we just do these, you know, until all the stuff's in, they're just empty fucking boxes. I felt like being sick

and I have felt ill for days about that. Well, don't say it then. I can't help it. It comes out of my face. Sometimes I try to make a joke and it comes out wrong. It's not me. I sound like a fucking dick.

And I'm agonising. Agonising I've been doing all that. Luckily, out wrong and I sound like a fucking dick and I'm agonising, agonising I've been doing both. You do it all luckily, luckily, and I think, I kind of think our friends get you now. Our friends are okay.

Yeah, my friends, I'm okay. I'm not meeting any new friends in a hurry, but yeah. You're kind of safe, but when we meet new people and you say stuff, I'm like,

oh, please do not even. I didn't mean it like that, but it's one of them things where I say stuff and then but my point is if I had said to someone if they said

the big sea god and my nan said could you not swim and she went no cancer I think I would actually have died in that moment I would honestly

I would have just slowly slid down into the jacuzzi and disappeared and never came back up incredible can I quickly just take this minute though to tell you I told you about Kelly didn't I And disappeared and never came back up. Incredible. Can I quickly just take this minute, though,

to tell you, I told you about Kelly, didn't I? My friend Kelly. I had this sleepover last week, which went very well, thank you very much. We had a lot of fun. The morning after, I was making everyone teas and coffee, and I said to Kelly... So, right.

So, hold on. Yes, this is... Just to preface this, right? You sometimes have a go at me for being what you would call you'll say i'm a bit of a dickhead or whatever right and sometimes i'm a bit too blunt and i you know it's me life and my job and the way i've sort of had to act for years sometimes i am a bit too blunt with people and i'll say things like you know someone will make as a coffee routine i'll be like oh god no and i think i sound a bit rude there there's another level to being

not like to being rude and it's what Kelly did here tell everyone what she said so and Kelly is just so lovely gorgeous soul the most lovely person she's busy doing stand-up comedy

at the minute she started doing stand-up she started doing stand-up and I think she's going to be great even though I told her as I tell all new comedians stand-up's full don't do it

go home door's shut we're full you're going to be good she's going to be doing doing arenas a lot so off I go in the morning the lot so I've had a coffee

in the morning everyone was like I'll have a coffee milk you know sugar bloody whatever I went to Kelly I went

I went how do you take your coffee and she went just however you do and I'm trying to be dead well managed how do you want your coffee Kelly

just however you have it I went black with two sweeteners she went oh god no so would you like it a certain way and she's well she went oh yeah i'll have it i love milk please i was like just say it you wanted milk so that's the other that's the other end of the spectrum see that because you you're

you're somewhere in the middle of that that was crazy what she did and i'm the other and i'm the other end of the spectrum I mean I'm not a total bastard but I can be sometimes slightly a little bit blunt especially if I'm a bit flustered and I don't think

and I do I'm not a horrible person I do feel bad about it later but you're the kind of person your meal will come in the restaurant and your meal could be the totally wrong thing

and you'll fanny on with it for a while until the waiter comes and goes is everything alright and you go actually no it's actually wrong whereas I Kelly would would kelly would have ate it yeah yeah even if it killed her

yeah yeah yeah um and i would as he put it down literally go fucks up mate that's what i ordered yeah but not in a horror like it just it comes out of my face so there's the three levels of it yeah oh god love it so funny oh god Oh God, no. Oh God, no. I love milk, please. So you specifically want your coffee exactly how you would like it, not how I would like it. Honestly.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, we were watching the episode of your TV show available on iPlayer. Oh yeah, it's all available on iPlayer if you want. I've got loads of clips I've got to put out on social media if I can be asked. Oh, I've got them. Yeah, they're in I can be arsed. Oh, have I got them?

Yeah, they're in their email somewhere. Oh, hey. When I'm finished. When I'm finished, I'm finished. I stopped reading emails a good week ago. I'm not going to lie. I watched the episode with the man on it, it goes or I go,

who had the little nail care kit full of earwax. Yeah, legend. Yeah. To our surprise, my mum piped up and said that it didn't seem that unusual and that earwax wasn't that bad. Wow. We were somewhat confused as to why she thought this wasn't anything less than insane and pressed her as to why she was okay with this.

This led to her revealing that sometimes, when she's out and about, she will pluck out a nice big glob of earwax and proceed to rub it into her lips as a handy substitute for lip balm. No! You are kidding me. Like she lives on a desert island. That. Can you imagine seeing someone do that in public? No, it stinks as well. Imagine going to kiss somebody who's just got earwax on their lips. Hi a big smudge of me earwax on your cheek brenda that's horrendous that like i'm not having that like yeah she saw no problem with this and said and i quote it's just oils isn't it healthier than niviaa cream probably. Brilliant. Wow. Apparently she's always done this and claims it works a treat. Fucking hell.

So there you go. Waste not, want not, eh? That's honestly, you imagine like, can you imagine sitting opposite someone on a train and they're just going out of their ear and they just get a big blodger earwax out and they just put it around their ear.

I would honestly, I'd pull that fucking emergency stop thing on the train, the lever and I'd get the man and I'd go get this fucking murderer off this train that's rotten worst case scenario can you just imagine you're out with that person you don't know the do it

and then you've got like you've got a glass of wine each I've got a red, what have you got? can I have a taste of yours? there's a fucking earwax lip well what about what about if you're sat and you're like

someone got any lip balm she's just like oh he's got a little finger on it yeah you got any lip balm I'll have a check I'm all out sorry

horrendous horrendous that that's awful that I would lose all respect for my mother if she said that that's just the worst same

babadoo babadoo babadoo, babadoo, bap. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous. Always, always, always, always, always. So I was in the kitchen boiling some pasta for my lunch with my now husband. The conversation somehow got onto how easily he can pull out his arsehole hairs.

As it always does in our kitchen. Oh, what have I done? What? What? What? One. Aren't people rotten, man? One, how did I get there? Two, what an incredible thing to brag about.

Oh, dead easy me. Like, straight out. I don't even feel it. Oh. He stuck his hand down his pants and showed me some hairs as proof. In the kitchen. In the kitchen? It says in brackets and showed me some hairs as proof. In the kitchen? In the kitchen?

It says in brackets, so he showed them as proof. I was weirdly impressed. Wow. Horrendous. He jokingly dangled them above my boiling pasta, pretending he was going to drop them in. He saw the look on my face. He smirked and then actually dropped them in.

No! I squealed, oh my God, why would you do that? I've never heard him laugh so hard. Long story short, I ate the pasta. I was hungry. I was hungry and times are tough with the price of food. I often wonder... Not that fucking tough.

I often wonder whether I actually consumed them or whether they went down the drain with the water. We'll never know. That's grim. That is grim. That's made me really sad. Right, to get scientific here. Yeah.

The boiling water would have killed... Probably would have cleaned them, yeah. Most germs and dirt would have disappeared. Little bits of faecal matter might have been sort of, you know, bleached clean of germs by the boiling water, but then... But hairs are minging though. Yeah, that is weird.

It depends what kind of pasta it is. What do you mean? So if it's like spaghetti, I suppose it's, you know, you could... No, no, because if it's spaghetti,

it's going to be like tangled round one. But if it's... No, I'm sorry, I could not eat this. You know the one, the pasta that looks like little sort of cups,

do you know what I mean? If it got into the shell ones. The shell ones, if it's just in one of them. Hair to me is like, I can't deal cups do you know what I mean if it's just like the shell ones if it's just in one of them hair to me is like I can't deal do you know when I have to

wash the plug hole in the shower right and it's my hair but I'm I'm like cockling it's so bad getting a hair in a meal

is the worst thing ever when you know it's the hair the head from one of the waiters I don't I honestly don't think I could go on living with someone if they put their arse hair

in my pasta if he'd have done that to me I'd have thrown the water yeah I'd have thrown the boiling water on him the boiling water I honestly don't think I could go on living with someone if they put their arse hair in my pasta. If he'd have done that to me... I'd have thrown the boiling water on him. Yeah, I'd have thrown the boiling water on him. The boiling water on him. I'd be in prison for aggravated assault slash attempted murder. But I suppose, Your Honour,

he put a handful of his arse hairs, moments, moments, Your Honour, after bragging how easily he could remove his arse hairs, he put a handful of his arse hairs in the pasta he's a dangerous society lock him up

I've done everyone a favour lock him up if you have it right you don't have this is going to blow your mind what arse hair

yeah you don't have like arse hair not really I think I've got some hair there but it's not like thick and that more than I need

no it's very fine okay good but there's hair everywhere on your body isn't it yeah but you won't have

like arse hair like what blokes have no now I don't know how many blokes in the world have experienced this I assume it's quite a few

because everyone I've asked it has happened to oh god if you don't know about this it's going to blow your tiny little mind win it

not win it so I remember once blow my tiny little mind, did you just say? Yeah. That's awful. Oh, sorry. Blow your mind would have been a device, not a tiny little mind.

It doesn't have the same ring to it. It doesn't have the same ring to it. It's really awful. Blow your tiny little mind. May I refer you back to US of A? I don't want to get to... It's weird because we hear dirty stuff on the emails and stuff, but I don't want to get to... So, once... This stuff on the emails and stuff but I don't want to get

so once this is a phenomenon that can happen now and then with arse hair right once I was I went out for a run years ago and I got in from my run

and I bent down and took my shoes off and I got like a stabbing pain at me like back of my arse crack like I was at the bottom

like a stabbing pain but it was like was it a knot both sides of the crack yeah don't even was it a knotbing pain but it was like was it not both sides of the crack yeah don't even was it so you can get the hair was attached honestly the so i bet i was like what the hell is it and I was like like a tat

and it was like attached across the arsehole that's what I'm saying like a tat so you get tats in your hair like a bridge oh my god

like a bridge from one arse crack to the other from one side of the arse crack to the other side of the arse crack if I'd shat right I would have split

that bit of shit in half like that that string that you cut the cheese with at the supermarket and I said to a few of my mates I was like has that ever happened to you half, like that string that you cut the cheese with at the supermarket. And I said to a few of my mates, I was like,

has that ever happened to you? And they're like, yeah, yeah. Oh my God! Yeah? Isn't that the worst thing ever? That hasn't happened for years. That is so disgusting. Isn't that really horrible? Really horrible.

Why is it disgusting though? I don't know. There's some, it's just, trim your arse, eh? Don't you tell me what to do. How dare you? Shouldn't people, shouldn't you just trim your arse, eh? Don't you tell me what to do. How dare you? Shouldn't people, shouldn't you just trim your arse, eh?

Do you know, is that not a thing? I was younger, wasn't I? I don't want to say it on the podcast, but, you know, it's all in control down there now. Good. It's all good. There are no more... Arse, like, lots of arse on the man is not nice.

There's no more bridges across the arse. Oh, jeez, that is, oh, my God. You've stood up and ran around the room. And because that really took us... Because it's something I'd never thought could happen in a million years. Yeah. I'm just good now.

I should have whipped them up and hoed them straight in some pasta. God, that is funny. How's it took you 175 episodes to tell us that? Oh, sorry, love, it never came up. Ow! Do you listen to this podcast I haven't really

talked in depth about Arse there you go well hey I'm glad I'm glad we got it out in the open finally thank you

and look at that we've still got secrets from each other oh god could have kept that a secret actually nah everyone needs to know that

thank you for listening to Open Up about your Arse Anonymous. We've really, really enjoyed having you here. Safe space. Come back next week where we'll be talking about pubic lice and all that kind of stuff. More than at all.

Arse Anonymous, sponsored by ACAS, part of the creative network. What is it? What it's trying to say is this is Shagmar Noid, which is now part of the ACAS Create What is it? Part of the ACAST. What she's trying to say is, this is Shagmarinoid, which is now part of the ACAST creator network. There we go, I said it.

Guys, thank you so much for listening. I honestly think, you know what? I think I have actually blown your tiny little mind with that. So there you go. Arsehole Tats. Just something I never thought

was a thing. Arsehole Tats. Great. There we go. I'd be very surprised if we get to call this episode Arsehole Tats, but you never know

We always name them afterwards Thank you so much for listening guys Thank you for coming back As always if you want to get in touch Shagroundinord at gmail.com And we'll be back in your ears next week Bye See ya to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy thompson hall for tickets visit tso.ca rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for

every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com.