Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 176. Out of Office

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

This week on the podcast Chris & Rosie share some unused QFTP’s and they do not disappoint! There's a slightly disturbing holiday story, a bouji hairdresser, a sex egg and a stinky drawer. Enjoy Smas and Das!  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagamode Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yeah, but I'm not here. And I'm not here. Neither of us are here. We're not in the country, actually.

We're on our holidays. Yeah, booked it, packed it, fucked off. Yeah, to reference the great Peter Kay. So yeah, this is a collection of the unused questions from the public. They get unused because basically we read so many each week just to make each other laugh, and then we always go too long, and our wonderful, wonderful producer, Daisy, saves them up for situations just like this,

when we're... Sitting on we're arses, bathing in sun... Right, no, I mean, what holiday are you on? Because I'm on the holiday with two children under six. Yeah, but you and your mum are there, so I'll be... Sitting on me arse, bathing...

No? No, you can absolutely swivel. None of us will be sitting on our arse. I'll take a book, I'll read three pages of it. Good. And then I'll be jealous of everyone around the pool with grown-up kids.

Right. Wishing their life away for a full week. Rafe, why can't you swim yet, you useless little prick? Wow. Wow. Rosie Ramsey

ruining holidays before they've began so there we go but the sun's lovely it's nice to be in the sun it's nice to feel the sun on your skin he's trying his best

bless him got to swim yeah clearly I'm joking he's bloody lush he's the joy of my life he's you're allowed

to slag off your kids yeah other people aren't but you are absolutely not if anyone did I would punch them

but I can and he's not a prick he's lovely he's my prick little prick sometimes sometimes yeah

sometimes a little prick but yeah out on holidays if you're on your holiday hope you're having a lovely time yeah and here's some unused questions

enjoy enjoy sorry if they're rude we've got no idea what they are. No idea at all. Bye. Bye. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a

jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo Jingle Hi Rosie and Chris Please keep me anonymous as I have quite an important job

Oh fucking la-di-da That requires some decorum Okay What do you think they do? I don't know What's an important, what's a really important job that nobody can know about this? An important job that requires decorum Teacher

Doctor Yeah but they wouldn't have said that, would they? Decorum. An important job that requires decorum. Barrister, solicitor, lawyer. One of them three. One of them. Barrister, solicitor, lawyer.

Something clever. Something, yeah. But not dangerous like, you know, kids and that. I don't know. Eh? I don't know. Right. I just immediately thought of like a butler

for a famous family. Something to call them, elbows off the table. Right, okay, so we've got an important job. In brackets, what happens in the bedroom is between two consenting adults

and only their business. Where's that come from? That's what they've said. Why has she said that? Well, she just said, because she, and she said, oh yeah,

and your many, many listeners, oops. Oh, okay, okay. Sorry, it just came from nowhere. she said that well she just said hey you're she she yeah and she said oh yeah and your many many listeners oops oh right okay sorry it just came from nowhere yeah before I start my story I just want to tell you that what happens in the bedroom

is right anyway okay so the background right I live in a quiet cul-de-sac of one story glories wow yeah important point for later

cool at the time of this story my husband and I had been married for about seven years and we are of the middle-aged persuasion. Okay. Middle age, is that about 40, 45? I don't know.

When I was younger, I thought middle was 50 because I thought you lived until you were 100 and then you died. No, not everybody does. Maybe 50 is middle age. I don't know. No, 50 is not middle age. It depends how old you are.

I'd say 40 because 80... Middle age is fucking stupid because it depends how long you live. Yeah, well, I once said I was middle age at 30, and people have got absolute shit for it. Well, yeah, you can't say that. But I don't know. I don't say anything anymore. Middle age is whatever you want it to be.

Listen, should we just work it out in Roman numerals? Yes. Our neighbours are an elderly couple. Let's call them Bev and Bov Bob you've fucked up some reading in your time but not reading

the word Bob properly Bov Bev and Bov wow Bev and Bov Bev and Bov oh

Bev and Bov are we Bev is in a wheelchair and Bob is one of Bev and Bob. Christ alive. Are we? Bev is in a wheelchair and Bob is one of those types of neighbours that the minute you leave your front door, he's out there wanting to discuss the weather and to point out that your gutter needs cleaning. Okay.

Yes. Okay, got you. My husband and I like to play in the bedroom. Nothing too adventurous, in brackets, no Batman costumes or leaping off of wardrobes. I remember that so well. Disappointing. We just like to have fun and laugh

and so one day we decided to try out a remote controlled egg okay I love egg I've heard a couple of egg stories on the podcast and so you are familiar

with the fact that it is an egg shaped device that is inserted up the ladies cave and vibrates at the bequest of the person with the remote controlled ladies cave

cave nice that cave that's nice that's not nice it's terrifying do you think at the bequest of the person with the remote control of a woman's ladies cave. Cave? It's nice that. Cave? That's nice. That's not nice, it's terrifying. Do you think? Jesus. It's very dog over there.

Cave. For a long weekend in the summer, we enjoyed playing with it around the house and my husband even set it off when we were sat in the local pub beer garden, sitting at a picnic table and the vibrations made people look up at their phones thinking they had received a text. Of course the most fun was had at home in the privacy of our bedroom. All innocent fun and not hurting anyone or so we thought. A few days later one evening we get a knock at the door. My husband goes to answer it and I hear him mumbling and think nothing of it. When he comes back into the living room his eyes are watering and he's trying not to laugh. I finally get it out of him. Bob was the person at the door looking tired and pissed off. He asked my husband if we had a new TV. My husband says no why? At this point thinking that the TV was a bit

loud and maybe annoying Bob and his wife. Are you sure says Bob or maybe a new CD player or radio? No says my husband. Bob huffs and looks like he doesn't believe him fuck off have you anything new that is remote controlled I've just worked out what this is well at this point my husband was thinking about tech and just shook his head what's the problem mate he asked Bob it turns out that the neighbor's doorbell is wireless and for the last few days it just keeps going off bob has been up and down like a yo-yo answering the door to find nobody is there annoyed as an understatement and was even going to call the police as he thought was knocking knocking runners that's a new one his son-in-law suggested that it might be his TV remote setting off his doorbell

and to try to see if that was the problem. Spoiler alert, it wasn't his TV remote. We had that in our old house. It was on the same frequency as the neighbours. We had to get a new one. Yes. Thank goodness that my husband was a bit slow that evening as his reaction was genuine bewilderment

until he closed the front door and then it came to him in a flash our egg must be the culprit whenever we played with it we were setting off his doorbell and making him get up to answer the door to no one worse still being a bungalow and our bedroom is quite close to his front door closer than if we were two-story so it must have been happening well into the night. Oh no. Poor Bob. Poor Bob. We ceased using it and the next time we saw Bob,

we asked if he was having any more problems with the doorbell. No, seems to have fixed that goodness. Oh wow. The egg has retired to the fun box until he starts to annoy us. Oh. Poor Bob. I'm glad they stopped using it because there's a lot of people who would be like, oh fuck you, change your doorbell. I'm glad they stopped using it because there's a lot of people who'd be like, oh, fuck you,

change your doorbell. I'm glad they stopped using it. imagine though because it would ruin the fun because you'd be like, every time it went off

you'd just be thinking of Bob answering his door. It's not very sexy I don't think. It is funny. Oh, God,

ringing the doorbell thinking no one was coming. Someone was coming but they weren't coming to your door. No, absolutely not. They were coming, but they weren't coming to your door. No, absolutely not.

They were coming next door, actually. Hi, Chris and Rosie. While listening on my walk today, I decided that I needed to email you with my experience of looking after my sister's hamster, Hang Tight. Hang Tight. Is that the name of the hamster?

No. Right. Do you remember the song? Hanging tough. No. Hang Tight's a good name for a hamster. Hang Tight. Do you think it is? Hanging tough. No. Hang tight's a good name for a hamster. Hang tight. Do you think it is?

Don't know. It's absolute shit. What are you talking about? Hang tight. What would you call a hamster then? Rusty. I wasn't prepared for you. I wasn't prepared for you to have that name ready so quickly.

It's what my hamster was called. Rusty. Do you know what my hamster was called? What? Henrietta. Of course it was. When I was around 16 years old, my dad and sister went on holiday and I was left at home and asked to look after my sister's hamster.

I willingly obliged. How hard could it be? One morning I went downstairs and looked in the hamster's cage to see that it wasn't moving and looked extremely lifeless. In a panic, I remembered that when bees are lifeless, you should give them a teaspoon of sugar water to bring them back to life. I mean, totally different species.

What the fuck? I know, I can see where she's coming from. No, you can't. She's thinking he is dehydrated and in need of a sugar boost. No, all right then. I get it. Right, all right. So I was walking along the riverbank

and there was a fish flopping around, almost lifeless, on then, good. I get it. So, I was walking along the riverbank and there was a fish flopping around almost lifeless on the riverbank. Yeah, get the defibrillator out. Throw it back in the fucking river. You wouldn't give it a spoonful of sugar water. Do a species-specific thing. Okay. Dickhead.

Well, she's only 16. She's a dickhead. She's a 16-year-old dickhead. I quickly went in the kitchen, put some sugar on a teaspoon, mixed it with a little water and then went back into the living room

to feed it to the hamster. I put my hand in the cage, woke the hamster up and fed it the sugar water. It was asleep. It sounds like it. I woke up the hamster. The dead and still lifeless hamster was insisting on running on its wheels,

so I held it still and forced the sugar water down its throat. This will make you better. Idiot. It absolutely wolfed it down. Feeling like some kind of Dr. Dolittle, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. A short while later, I came back downstairs to check on the hamster to find him violently shaking in

his cage. In a further panic and at this point clearly not thinking straight, I thought that he might be shaking because he was cold. What the fuck did she do? Rosie, I don't even want to hear what she did. I don't even want to hear. So I put him in a cup of boiling water. I don't want to hear what what she did. I don't even want to hear it. So I put him in a cup of boiling water.

I don't want to hear what this woman did to this poor baby. Do you not want to hear? No, I do. Okay. I found my dad's woolly hat from the cupboard under the stairs, put the hamster inside the woolly hat, and then put it on top of the radiator to warm up. Oh my God.

Whilst I watched a film. Oh my God. Whilst I watched a film. What the fuck? This person's a psychopath. I took a photo of the cute hamster as a memory for myself to look back on and remember what a great job I had done caring for it whilst it was sick. Oh my God.

After the film had finished, I went back to the radiator to check on the hamster in said woolly hat to find it hot and dead. Of course, of course it was hot and dead. You lunatic. Feeling absolutely mortified and not like Dr. Doolittle Lowell, I quickly put it back in its cage and decided that I would let my sister find it dead when she returned from her holiday and I would deny all knowledge of there ever being anything wrong with it.

When my dad and sister returned from their holiday, they did indeed find it dead in the cage and thought it had passed from natural causes what my dad also found though was the photo i took of the hamster and the hat on the radiator which he decided to post on his facebook in the album my family which he captioned feeling cozy and comfortable i didn't have the heart to tell my dad or sister that the hamster must have been dead when this photo was taken, and he had in fact shared a photo of a dead hamster on his Facebook page. Oh my God. Why has he put that on his Facebook page?

That is so bad. I'm so sorry. That is so bad. Is that really bad? I don't know. Oh, God. Poor, poor. What a stupid fucking idiot.

If it makes you any better, she said, all I do, I know that I will not be buying a hamster for my children when I have them so don't have children she's never gonna get

the duvet no no sorry no I'm not don't let her have children don't let her look after another life she's a nutter

she's not 16 anymore she's a nutter my child was cold so I wrapped them in a duvet and lobbed them on a radiator while I watched a film. Get her in prison.

Idiot. Oh. Oh, man. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm a teacher in the Bahamas. But Bahamas. In the Bahamas?

I'm a teacher in the Bahamas. Bit of an upgrade. What do you teach? Bloody snorkeling, eh? Surfing, eh? Surfing, eh? I think they do have schools in the Bahamas. Nah,

I won't have it. Lovely schools in the sun. Imagine going to school in the Bahamas. I couldn't concentrate. Bloody gorgeous. I didn't like it when it was a sunny day at school

and you looked out the window and it was nice and sunny and you thought I'm going to the beach after this. Imagine, Christ. It says here,

bit of an upgrade from Reading and also the reason why I couldn't make the tour. Oh, well, we will forgive you for that. No, don't forgive me. Go and fuck yourself.

I've been on a few board trips with the swimming pigs you mentioned last week. Oh, the swimming pigs in the Bahamas. The real tropical pigs, yeah. Right, okay, yes. Just a quick one because I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks this. On these board trips and tours, the guide slash captain will give you food to feed the pigs and their food of choice is... No.

Yeah, you're going to say bacon or sausage. Sausages. That's cannibalism. I refused to partake in this part of the day, but everyone else shrugged and carried on. In their defence, the pigs did chow down happily, but what are your thoughts on tropical pig cannibalism? You're fucking with the food chain what the hell are you doing i mean they're already swimming around in the sea not knowing what's going on who put them there what the hell's going on it's like they're in a fucking never-ending

stag do it's confused as fuck why are they in the sea i don't know well why is anything anyway it's always you know everything always got introduced some way yeah but still don't feed them sausages that's so bad that's so bad I wonder if the sausages are cooked or raw

I don't think it matters Rosie I don't know oh good poor little piggies man that is not cool I would not be

feeding them that and make sure your boat goes slowly because you don't want to hit a little piggy. I feel really bad for them now. Fair enough. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hello, Chris and Rosie. I was listening to the show about poor Chris's sunburn and it sparked a memory from 2007 when I was holidaying with my boyfriend in the Canaries. I got up on a day we had a boat trip booked to go dolphin watching and did my hair, brushed my teeth as usual and nothing to report.

However, when I got on the boat, my boyfriend double looked at me and asked if I was okay. I said, yes, I feel fine. He replied, you don't. Your head, it looks fucking massive. I felt my head and my forehead was protruding out i panicked and he offered me his baseball cap what a gent we got back to dry land and went straight to the doctors

you would go straight to the doctors he told me it was classic dehydration dehydration gave me some tablets and told me to keep out of the sea and sun. Shit time when it's all you've gone for. As the tablets started working, the weight of the water that was being retained on my forehead dropped and I looked like I'd done ten rounds of Mike Tyson. My boyfriend said I looked fine and it was pass, but he refused to shag me. Any other way than doggy style for the rest of the holiday. Oh my god, some blokes are such bastards.

That's awful. That's... What a... Oh, this has turned really sad. I didn't mean it to be. We're now happily married. Are you... She married...

She married the dick who made her turn around for sex because she was dehydrated. Shall we have sex tonight, sweetheart? Yeah, from the bottle. Don't ruin me, hold it. Got any anti-sickness Shall we have sex tonight, sweetheart? Yeah, from the bottle. Don't ruin me holiday. Got any sickness tablets as well, eh, love?

Yeah, put me cap back on. Oh, Jesus. It's the mamas going to have to build a zape and got me. Isn't she married now? What's going on? So, right, we're now I have paranoia now whenever I go on holiday i get him to check

my head so please stay hydrated and drink little and often but yes this was also the holiday i was sick in the sink and he fished it out with his hands so i knew he was a keeper i'll be honest you sounded mixed signals if i'm i will hang on I'll scoop your vomit out the sink but I won't look at you while we're having sex because you've dehydrated but you know you must obviously be happy I mean you might just like that position

I think do you know what he's thinking Jackie Jackpot she hates doggy style but I'll say you look horrific so yeah but I'll say Jackpot

I'll say you look horrific no one's that brave some men are so bold when I hear these things my god

yeah turn around love not me holding I mean I'm hoping it wrote down I'm hoping the conversation did

maybe she was a bit paranoid. Maybe she was like, oh, you know, don't look at us. Oh, love. We'll feel bad for you, but it's hilarious. I hope you're okay now. Little and often. Little and often.

Little and often. Stay hydrated, guys, is the public service announcement we've gained from that awful story. Hey. Thank you. Swings and roundabouts. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah dear chris and rosie i had one of

the most awkward moments of my life today lovely so of course i decided i should immediately email you to share absolutely the kind of thing you want to hear about yes i love that in life you're going around you guys and something awful or funny or terrible or embarrassing or cringeworthy happens and you go i'm gonna have to email that in we need to know about that well you also um to sort of let you behind the curtain a bit that stand-up's been like that for me for so long whenever something cringy and really embarrassing happens it happens and then i go stand up and i go and tell it on and it helps so in a way you guys are doing exactly the same as what i do therapy so there you go i was talking to one of our company directors about covid tests and i made a joke without thinking which will haunt

my dreams forever i mentioned that i prefer the tests where you just have to swab your nose and not your throat because i have a horrendous gag reflex which is probably why i'm single probably why I'm single. To a company director! It was only Oh God. It was only during the awkward silence that followed that I fully realised I just essentially

told one of the highest up people in our company that I was bad at blowjobs. Kill me now. That's good. That's really weird. That's something I would do. That's like me I would do that's like me at the bloody that's like me at the school gates yeah

I'll tell them the other day where do they work though I love the idea I know sorry we don't think you're right for Fisher Price we don't see those kind of things it's a family company

well when I was at the school gates the other day because obviously we do this podcast and I always think if someone listens to this they'll think we're right dirty and they'll think oh god you know

the terrible and bloody blah and we are but this is we don't always talk like this we can be quite professional and serious this is just a part of our personality yes yeah anyway she while saying while saying professional and serious she nearly just spilled a bottle of water on my fucking laptop which records the laptop which records the podcast but there you go but so at the school gates i'm like wait okay he's been there for a year and a bit now and it's you know i'm trying to be less than a year but carry on mother of the year is it yes oh shit right okay well anyways been there for almost a year yeah yeah march and um and i'm just like okay well they can see a bit of my personality but you

know i want to still be a bit, you know, like we're not scummy scumbags. We were chatting about Wet n' Wild the other day. Remember Wet n' Wild? Yes, I do. Rest in peace, Wet n' Wild. Rest in peace. It was at Water Park near us.

It's still there. It's still there. Someone bought it a while ago for like three and a half million. Some company bought it. I thought they were going to revamp it. I don't know what they're doing. If anyone's listening who's involved in the revamping of wet and wild oh my fucking god pull your finger out because wet and wild was absolutely it was it was amazing

it's great the chips were lush um mainly the slides and stuff most people enjoyed the slides and the lazy river that she's gone straight to the chips i'm going to digress really quickly right i don't think that the food at leisure centers were actually that good it was just because you are fucking clamming yeah yeah yeah right no South Shields chips and gravy

no the smiley faces at the leisure centre in South Shields were fucking unbelievable rip rip rip the smiley faces were absolutely unbelievable I know

anyway and your mum did them in the oven when she bought them from Iceland and did them in the oven they're never the same never the same

no should I finish my story I'm too sad now no go on right we're just we're talking about the jacuzzi it went on wasn't there a jacuzzi and I was like? I'm too sad now. No, go on. Right, we were just, we were talking about the jacuzzi. It went on and on.

Wasn't there a jacuzzi? And I was like, I was like, yeah, I'm sure I knew someone who got fingered in there. Wow, you just said that. And then I was like, Wow.

Why did I say that? Wow. Yeah. Because I can't help myself. Wow. And also some lads who went in there with pockets full,

plastic bags and pockets full of fairy liquid and put loads of fairy liquid in the jacuzzi. Shut up, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway. Dickheads.

Good times. Wet and wild. It was wet and wild for her that day. For the last thing that she could... Thank you. Great work. Absolutely sterling work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just great. It's like we're back in the O2, motherfuckers. Yeah. Wet and wild. Slippy. Slippery and slimy. We got it, the O2, motherfuckers. Wet and wild. Slippy. Slippery and slimy. We got it. We got it.

We got it. Well done. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a go. Witness the birth Friday, you must be very careful. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. The first stoneman.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. It's the most terrifying. Movie of the year. The first stoneman in theaters, Friday, get tickets. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction

and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at

sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hi Rosie and Chris, Please keep me anonymous. Always. After listening to episode 153 about the swingers' £20 a night room. Horrible. Okay. I'm freaked out.

I'm freaked out. Alright. My wife's mother and her husband, both in their 70s, live in a retirement style community. It's a very seedy and strange place. And it puts in brackets here, both of them fit in very well

Jesus Wow, okay What I found strange then now makes perfect sense They have a handful of permanently vacant rooms That they rent out For £20 a night No Yeah

In an old people's home Well, 70s Chris That's not an old people's home? Well, 70s, Chris. That's not an old people's home. Oh, sorry. In a youth hostel. Well, in a retirement-style community, yeah. Right. Yeah, so...

£20 a night? £20 a night. Because why would you... If you're in your 70s... Why is it seedy? I want to know why is it seedy and why do they fit in I need more information

I hate it when people do this you've just told us it's seedy you've said they fit in you've given us no backstory listen fill in the gaps right you have met so many people in my life

where I go you are seedy yeah that's the only way no yeah are you talking about that bloke at the garden centre

which no shut up no but I've met plenty of plenty of women and men where I go you are Are you talking about that bloke at the garden centre? Which? Oh, shut up. No. But I've met plenty of women and men where I go. You are seedy. And that's the vibe they're getting.

£20 a night, little cheeky rooms. Why would they be there? Why would they be in a retirement-style community? I don't know. £20 a night. What are they doing? Is it near the coast? I feel like if Luther was listening you need to go and do

a documentary in here son find out what's going on report back oh they'll have pampas grass oh yeah pampas grass is

swing isn't it apparently but it's become really popular to the point where we've talked about South Shields were kicking off

that people were stealing from the beach people were stealing from the beach yeah yeah yeah stop stealing the pampas grass you fucking pervert

babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Rosie and Chris I've recently got into your podcast to keep me entertained while walking the dog and I'm really enjoying

hearing the stories you get sent my personal favourite which I think is now my personal favourite actually was the man who misheard

his father-in-law and thought his mother-in-law had been run over by a car and died in a bush do you remember that yeah that one's

very good very good i thought i'd send in one of my own from a darker less enlightened period of my past which i thought you might enjoy loved ones from the dark past oh yes please keep me anonymous anyone who knows me well will work out who it is pretty quickly wow in my first year of university i lived in halls it was quite a modern block with well-appointed rooms outfitted with brand new, high-quality commercial furniture. I had a bed, desk, wardrobe, chest of drawers and bedside drawer unit. Show off. Sounds lovely.

Like many other freshers, I quickly discovered that you can have a lot of fun by drinking far too much with your friends and I became a bit of a party animal.'t we all i'm quite a big guy so i can hold my drink very well and would regularly take part in drinking games boat races etc however when i've been heavily drinking i have one critical and highly consistent weakness okay when i get into bed and turn the lights off i'm quickly hit with the need to throw up yes Yes, the room spinners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So as soon as, you can drink, drink, drink, drink, drink all night.

As soon as you get into bed, turns the lights off, it comes, okay? Oh God, I hate that feeling so much. I know. It's the absolute worst. I love drinking, but I don't like getting drunk anymore.

It's just not pleasurable. I stop. Honestly, my favourite thing, I just like a couple, a couple of beers like a couple couple of beers a couple glasses of wine just to chill us out that's all i ever want the worst feeling in the world because i get to a point where i go i just want to go home and i just have to be home when i see someone else paralytic drunk falling over or like doing that face you know the face

where you just like you can see it just looks like it's really hurting them it looks like it's hurting them to hold the features on their skull i I immediately sober up and go, because I don't want to be that. It's brilliant. Because I've been that before. Horrible. Love those people who take one for the team on the night. Yeah, exactly. I normally suffer through a few minutes of this,

then quickly jump out of bed, vomit in the toilet, flush, wash and get to bed feeling much, much better. Great. It must be something to do with my ears and balance. I never thought about that. No, it's to do with all the drinking games, you fucking dick. Do you not think? But then as soon as you lie down...

No, it's to do with... Oh, it's me inner ear problems, not the 14 pints of Colin you had. No, no, it's me ears. Definitely me ears. As soon as I lie down, I'm mortal drunk. My... What?

What? What? I just remembered something that I've never told you. What? Years ago. What? Years ago, me dad and all his mates went out for a curry. Yeah?

One of them was mortal, mortal drunk. And my cousin told us this later on, right? Basically, my cousin, who's older than me, younger than my dad, was by quite a few years older than me, was out with his mates as well. And they walked past where the curry place was. And my dad and his mates were outside. And they were holding the guy up, the guy who was mortal drunk.

They were holding him up. And my dad was probably sticking up for him he's going oh it's something he ate he's had a reaction to the curry he's had a reaction and my cousin's going no it's not the 12 pints he's had no he's had a reaction and his bowels have collapsed and my cousin went

bowels have collapsed and my dad went his bowels have collapsed and my cousin went you bowels have collapsed. And my dad went, his bowels have collapsed. And my cousin went, you mean he shot himself? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, so your dad's sticking up for his friend. His bowels have collapsed. Yeah, he shot himself.

That's such a lush way to put it. You didn't even know what it meant, yeah. Me bowels have collapsed. Well, that's like... He's got a reaction in to put it you didn't even know what it meant yeah me bowels have collapsed well that's like he's got a reaction and his bowels have collapsed

that's like one of your mates on your stag do when he'd run out of money and he said to me dad can I lend some money

I'm financially embarrassed so he ran out of money I'm afraid I'm financially embarrassed you mean you want

us to buy your beers hilarious love stuff like that but anyway so one morning I woke up I'm afraid I'm financially embarrassed. You mean you want us to buy your beers? Hilarious. I'd love some of that. But anyway, so... One morning I awoke after a particularly heavy sesh and set about sorting myself out. Shower, breakfast, cuppa, laundry in the basket,

check how much I've spent, etc. Yes. Whilst I was sat at my desk eating a bowl of cereal, I became aware of an unpleasant smell in my room. Oh, gosh. I opened the window and set about trying to find the source. desk eating a bowl of cereal i became aware of an unpleasant unpleasant smell in my room oh gosh i opened the window and set about trying to find the source i checked the sink the bin my laundry down the back of the radiator the air vents all to no avail i noticed that the smell was worse around my bed head and investigated further but still could not find where the smell was origin

origin originating jesus yeah smell was originating. Jesus. Yeah, originating. Originating, that's what I meant to say. Finally, I thought, perhaps someone has played a prank and hidden something behind the bed. So I went to move the bed out, which first required me to move the bedside drawers. Oh, no. As I did so, the top drawer opened to reveal the source of the smell.

Oh. A pretty hefty quantity of vomit. Oh, in the top drawer! Complete with last night's dinner and stained purple from all the snakebite and black that I had consumed. Oh, diesel. Snakebite and black is diesel. I used to

drink them when I first went out. They are strong as fuck. They go down like Ribena and they come out like fucking petrol. They're the worst awful luckily the drawer was so well built and so efficiently plastic lined that none of the liquid had seeped into my pants or socks in the drawer below rotten i removed the drawer snuck to the loo poured it away and cleaned it thoroughly before replacing it god i had no memory of vomiting the night before or indeed of getting home,

but it's pretty clear what happened. I don't remember why the drawer was empty, but maybe I'd emptied it of the belongings the night before. Anyway, fast forward a few nights and I was lying in bed feeling pretty queasy and rotten, so I did the obvious thing. I rolled over, opened the drawer,

chucked up in it and closed it for sober me to deal with the next morning. After all, I was quite comfy in my bed. This became a regular occurrence throughout the year and I can recommend this solution to anybody who shares my problems. Oh, that is the... Take a bucket to bed. Tell you what, eh? Students.

Tell you what, I want to find out who's made that draw. Bloody water tank. I know. You keep a bastard aquarium in that by the sounds of things. Couple of fish. So he's just... Couple of newts. Oh, God.

He could have a bloody... Tropical fish tank in there. Oh, I was going to say, yeah. Oh, it's awful, isn't it? That is... I love that. It's... Disgusting.

Just become his vomit draw. That is so minging. I mean, it's aval in it. That is I love that. It's disgusting. Just become his vomit draw. That is so minging. I mean, it's up there with Cockwash. I mean, Cockwash is much worse. Oh, that was the pint. Yeah, the pint glass, the Cockwash. Oh, that he never emptied. Oh, my word.

I forgot about that. Oh, hey. If you haven't heard Cockwash, go back and listen to the back out loud of Sharkberry Radio. You'll find all about Cockwash and while you're there, vote for us.

Best podcast in the National Comedy Awards. Hashtag Cockwash. Hashtag Dickwash. Dear Chris and Rosie, hello. Please keep me anonymous so that I don't have to find a new hairdresser. Right, right, okay. I get my hair coloured every couple of months and where possible,

I will schedule the appointment where I also have a work event or something in the diary with friends on the same day so that the blow dry doesn't go to waste. Good. That's clever. I believe the correct term is

that sort of that chicken go there looking on fleek. Is that? I believe that's what. Don't say that again. I think that's what the kids are saying. Chris, it's not actually. Should I blow dry on fleek I believe I believe that's what don't say that again I think that's what the kids are saying Chris it's not actually

should I blow my eyes on fleek no so it can be on fleek no stop my friend Angela

used to do that on a night out she'd like go to Newcastle and get her make up done in Fenwick right and I'd be like

that's a trek to just get your make up done for free this should genuinely used to do that all the time wow all the time And I'd be like, that's a trick to just get your makeup done for free. This should genuinely still do that? All the time. Wow.

All the time. I think she'd buy something or something she just wouldn't. I personally, I've got mates who would go and get their hair cut and then go straight out. Well, yeah. And you can always see hair all over the back of their T-shirt and the ears and that, and it makes you feel sad. I have a haircut and my hairdresser always goes do you want some product on

and I go no because I'm going straight in the shower because you've just covered his in hair in what world can I go and live my life today I'm going to burn this t-shirt that I've had on and I've got to go and dowse myself in the shower because I'm covered in hairs well since I've had kids

the hairdresser's like do you want to put a curl in I'm like how long will it take no like an extra 50 minutes another one another one in the hairdresser do you want a cup of tea do I want a drink with loads of hair in it no I'm alright thanks how long will it take? No. Yeah. Like, an extra 50 minutes, I'm all right. Another one in the hairdresser, do you want a cup of tea?

Do I want a drink with loads of hair in it? No, I'm all right, thanks. Has your cup got a lid? Well, fuck off then. That's a man thing. What do you mean? Because women's hair doesn't get cut that much. Right.

So we can have a nice cup of coffee or tea. To be fair, in the hairdresser's, I mean, the cup of tea never normally has any hair in it, but there we go. Good. The last time I got my hair coloured, I was also out for dinner with work contacts in the evening but there we go. Good. The last time I got my hair coloured, I was also out for dinner with work contacts in the evening.

She is Mrs. Mrs. Social. I've never known a social life like it. It's lovely, isn't it? In two sentences, she's made us deathly jealous of her. Jesus. I got up a little earlier that morning

and chose a cashmere jumper and smart tailored trousers. Cashmere jumper? She is dripping in diamonds. Going to the hairdresser to cash me a jumper your majesty bloody hell

hey listen she's doing well she is I had my driver wait outside no she's a woman about town she is

Carrie Bradshaw alright as the trousers were fairly snug I decided to wear some Spanx underneath. Sister. Sister! I hear you.

This time, picking out my bodysuit. Sorry, who does she fancy in this hairdresser's? Because she is getting dolled up the names. No, she's going out after, man. Oh, right, okay. So she's getting ready, and she's going to the hairdresser's to not waste a blow-dry,

which I totally understand. She's going out after. Okay, sorry, sorry. But my only problem is with that I've thought about that but when they wash your hair when they wash everything off they take a couple of inches

of your makeup off around your face and I go, well... Straight to Fenix get it topped up. Well, actually, yeah. True, true. Rosie may need to help explain this

but basically a swimming costume with cycling shorts on the bottom half. Also, our Spanx are like the fully blown swimming costume with cycling shorts and then the little crotch bit has got where you open it to have a wee. Jesus. Got buttons on.

God, when I hear stuff like that, I'm so glad I'm not a woman. Yeah, I know. As you can imagine, in a jumper and trousers, it's not very practical to take a bodysuit off each time you go to the toilet so spanks have kindly built in a pee hole for us ladies oh sorry that's what i was just explaining right a zip it's not a zip it's buttons right it's press studs right there's about so if on mine there's like about three you just right okay but actually i am lazy and I just pull it to the side. Of course you do.

While we're on the subject of press studs, can I please give a shout out to the person who decided press studs should go on baby's onesies. Fuck you, whoever you are. I hate you. You've cost me so much time and energy. You're an arsehole. Well, what should they have instead? I don't know.

Velcro. Because zips are don't know. Velcro. Because zips are just as bad. Velcro. They would come open all the time. I don't know. They'd literally stretch and it would pop open. It's just annoying.

Oh, well, I know, but it's a short time in his life. Some of them don't even do that little brass one in a different colour so you know where it goes. Yeah, I know. Oh.

Oh. Right, listen. Anyway, I'd had my hair coloured on this particular day. I shampooed and I was about to sit back down in the chair for a cut and blow dry. I decided at this point to ask to visit the ladies. Now, I go to a fairly fancy hairdresser's,

of course she does. Of course she does. Cash me a jumper on, love. We know, we know. That doesn't believe in towel drying hair at all, if possible. So whilst my hair was wrapped up in a towel, it was still dripping wet. That's a bit strange. They don't believe in towel drying hair at all, if possible, so whilst my hair was wrapped up in a towel, it was still dripping wet.

That's a bit strange. They don't believe in towel drying. I don't know. What do you mean they don't do it or they don't believe it works? Who knows? Right. What's wrong with towel drying?

I don't know. Is that something? Apparently it's what, apparently it's what the peasants do, Rosie, by the sounds of things. Honestly, do you know what?

Excuse me, excuse me darling, what's that jumper made of? Wool and cotton? Yeah, yeah you probably dry your hair with a fucking towel you peasant i'm sick of going through life and just constantly being told that things are bad for us i know exactly what you mean i'm fucking sick of it i'm sorry i'm swearing i'm sick all the time every day there's something you know like oh do you know that that's got hidden such and such and I'm like oh god just stop telling us

non-stop yeah no you're totally right it's always a new study from such and such and you go for fucking hell there's another thing

fucking ruined so what we're not meant to towel dry now are we not why we're not towel drying well I got told a while ago that you shouldn't

brush your hair when it's wet and I'm like well well what the fuck shouldn't brush it when it's wet because it I'm like, well, well, what the fuck? Shouldn't brush it when it's wet. Shouldn't brush it when it's wet because it pulls your hair out.

Oh, for fuck's sake. I know, I know, Chris. I haven't brushed my hair for probably 15 years. Maybe longer. No word of a lie. No word of a lie.

I can't remember the last time I brushed my hair. I did not think you were going to say that. It must have been when I lived at home. 15 years? Maybe longer longer no word of a lie maybe longer shut up let me try and run my fingers through your hair yeah you can come here yeah it doesn't yeah come here oh my god yeah oh my god i have not honestly i have not honestly 15 maybe

16 17 years since i last brushed my hair. I brush Robin's hair every day. I never do it. Don't eat new. Really weird. Oh, I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. Yeah. Strange, isn't it?

I hate brushing my hair. Yeah. Never do it. Even when I had long hair, I never did it. I don't know why that's funny. Anyway, listen, let's hear about the hairdressers. So whilst my hair was wrapped up in a towel, it was still dripping wet. The bathroom in the salon

isn't huge and the toilet fairly small and low. Right. So it was quite an ordeal to lower myself in four inch heels Right.

undo my trousers adjust the bodysuit to open the pay hole wide enough Sorry, I'm so sorry she's got a cashmere jumper a trouser four inch heels

Yeah. going for a hair done. Yeah. She must have What's the matter just so done up so done up no it's not

it's in the in realistic type four inch heels you're just married to me I'm I'm like literally a slob some women do this

every day Chris Rosie goes for a haircut I'm sorry Rosie goes for a haircut in a boiler suit in a wellies honestly if I could wear sunglasses

get me a haircut i would i hate looking at myself in that mirror oh god it's so depressing i spot something wrong every time it's just it's just horrible now when they've got the files in and that and you're like oh i hate myself i've never obviously i've never had files in it's horrible it's horrible it's the most just once once in my life once in my life i got uh's so sad once in my life I got highlights once in my life I got blonde highlights

when I was at college I got blonde highlights and they did that thing where they put the cap on and the pull up bits through and you look like Hellraiser you look like Pinhead off Hellraiser

nah I didn't like it it hurts when they pull it through I didn't like it so sorry about that four inch heels squatting down on the toilet yes it was quite an ordeal

to lower myself in four inch heels under my trousers adjust the bodysuit to open the pee hole wide enough so not to allow any to seep into the material. Balance my mop of dripping wet hair on my head. Not allow the towel on my head to unravel or the other towel on my neck to fall away. I can see where she's coming from. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is nuts. When I had finished and stood up to walk away, I noticed a big puddle on the floor in front of the toilet. Oh gosh. Was my hair really that wet? No. In my desperate attempt to not wee over myself, I had failed to check exactly how far back onto the toilet I had perched. I had successfully wee'd on the toilet floor instead. She'd hovered in front of the toilet and pissed all over the floor.

Yeah. She'd hovered in front of the toilet and pissed all over the floor. Yeah. Now, being in January and on a new year, new me journey, I had been drinking a lot more water than usual, so the puddle was quite significant. Brilliant. Toilet roll alone was not easily going to do the trick,

and in a panicked state, I pulled the towel from my neck and used this to mop up the floor. Oh, mate. Not wanting to explain to the hairdresser how I had lost said towel in the few minutes I had been in the toilet, I proceeded to wrap it back around my neck and venture back to the chair. Oh, my God. My poor hairdresser therefore had to touch my pee-stained towel as she worked. I was mortified and I expect she may have been concerned about potential covid symptoms as i sniffed violently for the rest of the session to see if my piss could be smelled

by all oh my god you didn't see that coming did you no i didn't i was i nearly as a joke said so i put it back around my neck i thought it was stupid because when it cashed me i jumped my so she basically oh and then she went out piss around herself piss on out see how the mighty have fallen yeah what an idiot just go and go i'm really really sorry i dropped this towel on your toilet floor i don't want to put it back around my neck it's soaking i don't know what happened but sometimes in those situations logic goes out the window yeah yeah i know exactly what i would have done what someone's pissed on this floor disgusting in here i'm gonna cash me a jumper on. I'll take me business elsewhere.

Look at these heels. Just to dry your heel. Take too long. It's not even towel dried. Towel dry. Orphans stand around and blow on it. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I've been listening to your podcast throughout lockdown

whilst I've been training for a marathon. It helped me get through some dark miles. Okay. That's nice. Please keep me anonymous as my story is about my friend. I've recommended the podcast to her but I don't know if she's started listening or not. If she is, she'll know who she is

and I'm sure I'll get a phone call. Cool. And obviously, fuck her if she isn't. So, win-win. There you go. When I was 20, I worked in a pub with my best friend.

It was a large chain of pubs and the Christmas do was a formal bar at one of the larger hotels. Okay. Classy. Classy. We worked with a boy

who we both fancied but my friend was the pretty, pretty boy magnet in brackets, not jealous, obviously. And she ended up

sharing a room with the boy we fancied on the night of the Christmas ball. Goodness me. I was a tiny bit jealous but sucked it up and asked her all about what happened. Okay. Bless her. Perfect.

I'm sure you're gorgeous. It turns out they had shared the bed for the night but not even kissed. I was quite surprised by this. However, there was a bit more. I was quite surprised by this. However, there was a bit more. It turns out he would every so often put his finger up her bum whilst they were spooning. No other contact, just a nice cuddly spoon with an occasional finger up the bum.

I don't know where to start here. They didn't kiss. Didn't kiss. They spooned. They spooned. And now and then, he just checked their temperature. Yeah. Yeah.

That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Isn't it? That is so strange. It was very difficult to work with them after that. I'm not surprised. But surprisingly, they decided to pursue a relationship, but she said the sex was never really recovered from their first night of bum fingering.

It's just left me all confused. I know, I'm sorry. It's a bit of a strange one, isn't it? That's just left me really confused. But you know... No kissing. No kissing. Nothing.

No cuddling. Just a finger up the bum. And even if she turned around and was like, okay, come on then. He's like, no, no, no. Just stay still. This is it. Was he... Was it at regular intervals

is my question don't know you know was he like checking his watch and then going it's been two minutes do you think you got

the wrong one wrong hole I don't know just the occasional finger up the bum so not even just the occasional

finger up the bum that's just that just The occasional finger up the bum. That's just the that's one of the weirdest things. Just one little finger. Or the occasional finger up the bum

he might have been swapping hands and by the end of the night he might have done all ten fingers separately. Yeah. And then he's gone to the bathroom

and licked them all. Oh! Dirty Dirty pervert. Did you like them? Well, wasn't that absolutely fantastic? Hey, hey, can you believe that? That stuff didn't even get into the podcast.

We left that out. I know. Why? That one about the... The thing. And when they went... Oh, wasn't it? Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Absolutely sterling work all around guys thank you so much for listening to Shag My Annoyed Rosie what's it part of the ACAS

creator network it is part of the ACAS creator network and we'll be back probably in years next week happy holidays love yous

bye bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishikesh Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every

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