Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 180. Sommelier summer camp

Episode Date: August 12, 2022

It's still the summer holidays and Chris and Rosie have taken time off to spend it with the boys. Big mistake. Chris is into a new sport. Rosie's had a wardrobe malfunction and there’s possibly the most horrific hotel find ever.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and some fella that I had a one-night stand with about 10 years ago, right? And then he ended up just sticking around like a bad smell, got married, had kids, and then would do this. Mental! Not the worst introduction I've ever had in my life. Genuinely not the worst introduction I've ever had. I've had some in stand-up that have been worse than that. Did you enjoy that? Yeah, yeah. So that, yeah, very, very good. Very good. Very true. Although it is you who stuck around like a bad smell, as we've already talked about.

You did move into my bungalow, hashtag one story glory, while I wasn't even there. That's fair enough. Had nowhere else to go. Leech. Was living with me mum in the flat. Leech is what I would call you. Leech. Parasite is what I would call you. So there we go.

So hi. Hi. This is Parasite. Lovely to meet you. It's episode, what episode it is what episode 190 I didn't know that

because you just told us how exciting 180 I know was it still here blethering talking shit you're still listening

hello and thank you and if you just started listening welcome you've got a hell of a back catalogue to listen up on there's some people who start listening who've been messaging in

like eager and that because they're just new and thinking right okay let's welcome to the fold tell you all my stories and it's brilliant To listen up on. There's some people who have started listening, who have been messaging in, like eager and that, because they're just new and thinking, right, okay, let's tell you all my stories and it's brilliant. And they're going backwards, Chris. Yeah. So they've started listening and they're going backwards,

which I don't get. Yeah, I couldn't do that. But that's fine. Yeah, but then again, no, I suppose, no, actually, because I reckon if you listen to one now and then you go right to the first one,

it's a totally fucking different podcast. I imagine it sounds completely different. I imagine our voices sound different do you think yeah i think we're a bit happier a lot's fucking happened i know there is definitely an overwhelming sense of dread in every single moment of everyday life now but hey that's what we're here to take your minds off but in our defense we did have about a year and a half of a global pandemic yeah yeah yeah i imagine i'm never gonna listen to them i imagine them ones are uh i imagine they're quite hard i imagine they're a bit manic yeah i felt a bit manic at that time the breakdown years everyone was having a breakdown saved by the booze so yeah hello it is episode 180 thank you very much for coming and joining and you know what i'm gonna

say i haven't said it for a while please like rate and subscribe do all that make sure you subscribe any little podcast apps. And then every Friday when it comes in, you'll get a little message and it'll be there. And give you little reviews as long as they're five stars. Don't want your fours, threes, twos or ones. Go fuck yourself. And thank you.

And I say like, but you can't like on podcasts. I think that's a YouTube thing. But anyway, look, it's all good. It's all good. Now, before we go any further, it is obviously time to pay those bills. It is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. I can't believe you're still doing this.

Yes, we are. Yes, me with my actual really good features, like Rosie's Mysteries and that, which I haven't done for ages. Because I had to stop playing the music and it's really upsetting. Right. Right?

No, but I listened to a podcast the other day that played some music and I was like, how the fuck are you getting away with that? Because they're not cheap. What do you mean? They're not cheap. Us and the people who make it, we kind of almost

refuse to pay it just feels ridiculous that you've got it's quite a lot of money how much is it I don't know so it's the same as when you go and see

when you go and see stand up or something or when you go and see a live show and they've got like fuck loads of production and you go oh wow that's amazing

and then you go to do your show and you go I want loads of production and then they go this is how much production is and you go

microphone and a spotlight a chair with a glass of water on it thank you fair enough it's like Lady Gaga loads of production and then they go this is how much production is and you go microphone in a spotlight a chair with a glass of water on it thank you fair enough Lady Gaga

used to fucking lose money on her tours because they were that incredible do you remember when we did I don't know

whether we should say this but when we did the tour and there's a bloke who owns the company

of the big production of the arenas I was like who's this man and why is he getting paid loads of money

because an arena is an empty box it's an empty box and you've got to do a whole team well I didn't know that alright Rosie it looks bad

on the spreadsheet but I have told you that money is divided across all of the fantastic work as who do it he doesn't just get it in his pocket

and fucking go home it was just his name in the final sum and I was like who's he and why is he getting paid all that money? Rosie was trying to marry him, getting his number in there, because she's a parasite, as we've already

been over. Do you know what it is? Sick of you. Parasite yourself. It's time for this speaking of parasites, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is blokes who just stand places with their hands down their pants. Oh, rotten. Fucking stop it. Or walking.

Guys, I've seen it sat down. I've seen it in pubs. I've seen a man yesterday. We both saw the man yesterday. It was walking on the street. No, no, he was standing outside of a pub in South Shields on the phone, wasn't he? And he had one hand on the phone to his ear and one hand just down his pants

as we drove past. Hang on then, there may have been two people. Yeah, I saw a couple this weekend. That's why it's the sponsor. Oh, right, okay. So, yeah, sorry then. On a separate occasion, there was a couple this weekend that's why it's the sponsor oh right okay so yeah sorry then on a separate occasion there was a bloke just walking down the street

with his hands on his gonads yeah and do you know what they tend to do right they put their hands down and for a moment you think

ah he might have his hands on top of his boxer shorts there but the boxer shorts are almost up a bit higher so it's as if I'm going oh no no no there is

flesh on cock here but why though don't know. It's a thing. I've seen loads of blokes do it. Is it a comfort thing, like when adults still suck their thumbs? I hope he doesn't suck his thumb up

if he hasn't used a bit of hand sanitizer. I've washed his hands. Honestly, blokes who just stand with their hands down their pants, stop it. I'm serious. It's fucking horrible. We've spoke about it

when it's at the back behind as well. So I've seen that a few times. I'm talking about the ones... Scratch the actual arsehole. This isn't scratching. This isn't... Guys, you know you've seen it. Look out for it. It's talking about the ones... Scratch the actual awful... This isn't scratching. This isn't... Guys, you know you've seen it. Look out for it.

It's not scratching. It's all... It's just... Cutting. It's in there. The hand's just in there. I don't know if it's quite a macho thing. I don't know if they do it to look macho.

It's definitely a certain kind of bloke who does it, if you get what I'm saying here. I put it up there with spitting. Right. With spitting. Okay. Yeah. What do you mean, unnecessary spitting?

Unnecessary... Okay, fair enough. If you've got something... Get a fly in the mouth. Get a fly right here in the mouth. Have a spit. Fair enough. right with spitting okay yeah what do you mean unnecessary spitting unnecessary okay fair enough if you've got something in your throat get a fly in the mouth get a fly or a hair in the mouth have a spit fair enough

but unnecessary spitting where it's just manky yeah like stop it stop it just piles of spit on the floor oh god on the metro

remember that spitting on the metro I haven't been on the metro for years but when people used to just spit on the metro and I remember even being 11 being like that's vile like rotten

spitting anywhere indoors is pretty bad spitting outdoors is bad spitting indoors is oh spitting indoors well you just want to think you just think what's your house look like

I mean I don't I don't think the spit in their own houses I think it's more I think it's more of a disdain for where they are and the kind of

do you know what I mean like don't tell me what to do I'll spit I'll go in their house and spit all over the floor you never know anyway

enough of this chat I've spit what what I spit in my own house this isn't your house you fucking dick well who comes yeah there's a photo

of my house look at that looks like a fucking ice rink looks like looks like the end of a Magaluf phone party spit's the one that I get funny with anything else oh I tried to like the end of a Magaluf foam party oh spit's the one

that I get funny with anything else oh I tried to explain to Robin what a foam party was the other day and I couldn't do it

what do you mean I would love a foam party well I put loads and loads of bubbles in the bath and we do that thing where we get massive handfuls of the suds

and you just go blow them in the air and I was like Robin do you know there's nightclubs where the foam comes out the ceiling it's called a foam party.

So three things I did wrong. I assumed he knew what a nightclub was. Yeah, why would he know? Because he just went, what's that? Is it a place where it's always night? I went, right. So that was a fucking nightmare. I didn't know what to do with that.

I couldn't explain to him how they make it so quick and that there wasn't water there because I said, no, it's just the foam, there's no water and he was like, well, how? And I was like,

well, it's like a machine. Oh, it was a nightmare. Did you say, I have no idea either. It was just a nightmare, yeah, and I couldn't explain to him that it was actually, and then I sort of had to then go,

actually, it's quite scary. Yeah, and you slip and you fall over and you walk around and you get plastered as hell, are you? Yeah, everything. Vile.

When I used to work in a beach club, I went to the phone party quite a lot And then I think Was it El Es Paradiso and El Divino Were the two in the middle I think No

Where the fuck in El I can't remember I've never been clubbing in Ibiza I think it was Es Paradiso or something El Divino's in Ibiza town Fuck knows Anyway look I apologise if I'm getting it wrong

You're all Ibiza fucking mental dance heads out there Nineties and all that One of them In San Antonio In the bay Yeah in the town San Antonio town It used to have A water party And the other yeah in the town San Antonio town it used to have

a water party and the other I think the other one had a foam party now the water party it basically was like they just turned the sprinklers on it was just fucking soaking

but at the end of the night I'm sure I've told you this before there was literally like a pool it was like about two foot deep of water and in a certain corner all of the tab ends oh god

and all of the shit used to come like a fucking swamp horrible but foam parties the idea of a foam party was genuinely terrifying I told you all of the tab ends and all of the shit used to come like a fucking swamp horrible but foam parties the idea of a foam party is genuinely terrifying I told you

I must have told you how I jumped up and down and I burnt my nipples off I told you that yes you've mentioned that before yeah thought I had but it's just a thing where you go

foam oh yeah oh I'm not getting much foam I'll go to the middle excuse me excuse me oh my god get us the fuck out I can't breathe

terrifying yeah it's horrible terrifying are they still allowed because I feel like health and safety wouldn't allow them now I feel like COVID Oh my God, get us the fuck out. I can't breathe. Terrifying. Yeah, it's horrible. Terrifying. Are they still allowed? Because I feel like health and safety wouldn't allow them now. I feel like COVID probably killed phone parties. Do you think?

Yeah. And you know what? I'm sorry to all the phone parties. I'm sorry if you made money off phone parties out there, but you know what? They were hazardous. They were hazardous. I mean, I did used to get right in it.

It was like fucking getting waterboarded to dance music. It was mental. That's why I never went to a beach there, you know? Like clubbing or anything. I hate the music right yeah not your thing is it no personally no

I like a good disco like I just like I like you know like it would literally be I think if you went to Ibiza for two weeks or whatever when you were younger

there would be one like flares kind of place that you just went to all the time on your own yeah yeah that would be it enough is enough is enough

I'd rather dance to that than and you know what else i hate on holiday in bars and that music oh like hold music god so i didn't know where's the words there's people there's people here there's people listening who won't know what music is but it's basically just it's just background noise in it it's background noise music it's like hold music on a phone it's horrible it's horrible horrible. But then people are moving to it and getting the groove. And I'm like, how are you enjoying this?

It's just noise and it's irritating and I just want to sing along to a song that I know. Listen. No, it's like going to a concert and they do the new fucking songs. Yes, yes, yes.

And you're like, didn't pay money for this. No. I paid money for the single you brought out 25 years ago. And if you don't play it, I'm going to leave. And you really look forward

to Backstreet Boys, aren't you? I'm actually dreading it because if they've got new material that's going to take up the night I'll be seething I'm not even joking

and here's a new one guys just for you boo boo no play the old ones play Backstreet's Back again

have I told you what my mum keeps oh Jesus she keeps calling them Westlife she's like can't wait for Westlife mum mum mum it's the Backstreet's back again have I told you what my mum keeps oh Jesus she keeps calling them Westlife she's like can't wait for Westlife mum

mum mum it's the Backstreet Boys you're so not on brand although I would love to see Westlife actually they were I think they did

they've just done Wembley or something I think they just did Wembley yeah why aye banging banging

I'll forever live that life yeah I'm not moving out the 90s me I'm there forever yeah I don't care. Although, I do find it quite offensive.

I've been spending a lot of time on TikTok at the minute. Offensive? I'll tell you why. They've started doing these trends where they play old music and all of the new, like, so they were born in, like, it's disgusting to look at, you know, like, born in 19, like. 99. 99 and that, and you're like. Even later than that, man. Later than that. One of them was, like, 2000 and that and you're like even later than that man

later than that one of them was like 2000 and something like I was like Jesus Christ so 18 year olds were born in like 2004 I think

there you go 80 now you're born in 2004 right well there you go and that's when they're born and they're playing music like the Backstreet Boys and like Anastasia

and stuff like that and they have no idea what it is and I'm like I know 60s songs and 70s and 80s and 90s music yeah even though i was born in 86 how rude have a bit of respect respect if you took that if you took that you've took that

to heart i think it's just because the songs you're talking about like anastasia as good as the word the time they're not going to live through like what the beatles did do you know what i mean oh excuse me all right well okay well, okay. You're joking, aren't you? Have I triggered you? Anastasia? What is she singing again? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is she the one with the glasses? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Right, okay. Oh, baby, come on. Don't blame the love you never let me feel. I should know. She genuinely sounds like she's eating a Yorkshire pudding. You were nothing real. Great.

Come on, be a man about it. Oh, God, stop it, man. Stop it. I'm in a nice mood and I like to sing when I'm in a good mood. Yeah, well, don't bring anyone else's mood down with you. Silly bloody singing. Honestly, I don't give a shit. Pack it in.

If you are upset by somebody doing an Anastasia impression, I'm fully triggered by people doing Anastasia impressions and I can't believe you've actually done this and brought this up. So glad I've triggered you. Honestly, unbelievable. Here's the jingle. Go on, go on you've actually done this and brought this up. So glad I've triggered you. Honestly. Unbelievable. Here's the jingle. Go on.

Go on. Fucking go on. Here's the jingle. Mobility singing. Christ. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle.

So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo babadoo babadoo bab, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag, Maron and Oid. We're still in the summer holidays. Oh God, how long are the fucking summer holidays? I do not remember them being this long when I was a kid. This is crazy. I do. I got very bored. I got very, like, what's the word?

Openly bored by the end. I remember my mum being like, I can't wait till you go back to school. Your mum said this morning, when we said how long the summer holidays were and how it's basically just dragging out, she was like, I was miserable the whole summer holidays. I was miserable.

There's no way if I used to go. She doesn't sugar, my mum does no sugarcoating of the fact that we made her miserable. But again, we're lucky as well because like I said last week, I think we do the podcast with so much love to people who've got nine to five jobs. Are you actually kidding me? Oh no, you'd rather go to a nine to five job.

Are you kidding me? I just meant it must be hard to sort childcare. I don't know how people sort out childcare during the summer holidays. Big up to everyone full time. We've actually, we've taken a bit of time Big up to everyone full time. We've actually, we've taken a bit of time off because we were manic. We've been manic for like two years

and now it's like we need the summer holidays because the kids are off and so we've decided to take it off. Oh, jeez. Big mistake. Rookie mistake.

Huge mistake. I'm genuinely jealous of people who've got full time jobs right now. Totally. So they can just go to work and it's just, oh, but you shouldn't have had kids. fuck off anyway here we are so i've been spending a lot

of time with the kids which in five years time will go wasn't that summer lovely but in the middle of it it's a bit irritating something happened the other day that i need to tell you about what happened um i don't know how i've never noticed this sooner or talked about it sooner but we went i took rave to tumble tots in south shields which i used to take robin to all the time it's the gymnastic center in south shields big up and uh you just let your toddler like toddlers just run around it's dead safe it's because it's got that squishy floor that the gymnasts use and they've got loads of toys in that and they just can't mend on the trampolines it's absolutely class it's a safe space for toddlers to be toddlers it is it. But what made me laugh is,

obviously everyone does this every time you go in. It'll probably happen all over the country places, right? Somebody, it's about five minutes before the end and someone yells, tidy up time. So you've got to tidy all the toys up, right? All of the grownups walk around saying to the kids, right? Tidy up time, tidy up time. We tidy up all the toys.

Yeah. All the adults. The kids do, fuck all. Of course they don't. And all you do is walk around going, tidy up time. Tidy up time. We tidy up all the toys. Yeah. All the adults. The kids do. Fuck all. Of course they don't. And all you do is walk around going, tidy up time. And they do nothing.

So why do we all do it though? Yeah. Why do we all go, tidy up time. Come on. Tidy up time. Hoping one time they're going to join in. But they never do.

Not one of them does it. Never. They never do. So it's just loads of grown-ups tidying up toys, shouting tidy up time, looking like complete morons. Like a cult.

Yeah. Like a tidying up cult yeah it's ridiculous what i feel what i find strange tumble tots is amazing what i find strange about that is they're like you know there's high high level sort of athletes and gymnasts go there to do training you know with sell the shields we've had some you know fantastic sports people and you know entertainment people over the years there will be like full-on gymnastics who might go to the olympics who are training there and they're like having they're like doing their training

on the trampoline I've looked in the corner and gone is that a is that a little tyke's car why is there a Wendy house in a little tyke's car in the corner of my

training facility is this fucking is this snot on this pommel horse do a leap into the foam pit and there's just

a shit yeah why is there a shitty nappy in the foam pit and there's just a shit yeah why is there a shitty nappy in the foam pit I'm going to the Commonwealth Games listen

how sock is this it's tiny reality mate keeps the electricity on and it's absolutely class I don't even have to

give it a shout out because every every parent in Shields yeah knows about tumble tots. They're all over the place though. It's just a leisure centre.

Rest in peace, I miss the leisure centre. Anyway, it's a different, it's another story. Again, I tried to explain. So in South Shields, guys, we used to have a swimming place, a leisure centre called Temple Park Leisure Centre and that got basically moved, sort of shut down

and then we had a new one down on the seafront I was explaining to him yesterday when I was in the swim pool with him about the diving pool that was at Temple Park it's fucking incredible it was just a massive

body of water you could probably fit a whale in it it was about 10 metres deep or something and there was a massive diving board it was freezing though

wasn't it so what it was a massive diving board you could literally bounce a big bendy diving board bouncing and then there was windows at the side. Why did they get rid of that?

Well, because they got rid of the whole place but why they didn't redo it? Is it because it's dangerous? Is it because people are just going to fucking break their backs and try and do stupid stuff?

It was brilliant though. Hey, listen. Bring back the diving pool. Bring back diving pools. There used to be one in Tynemouth somewhere where it had the three tier really massive one

like Mr Bean. There must be something dangerous because I haven't seen one for donkeys. Sorry, I could have said like the ones that Tom Daley three tier really massive one like Mr Bean. There must be something dangerous because I haven't seen one for donkeys. Sorry, I could have said like the ones that Tom Daley and stuff do but I used Mr Bean as a reference.

I don't know why. Because that's etched in everyone's mind of that sketch of when he was hanging off the end of it. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Speaking of etched in minds, I think I'm spending too much time with our kids. Why? Not much time. Well, I mean, I know we are But when I get something off Rafe If Rafe gives us something I give something to Rafe

I go ta You did that to me? Rosie I did it in a shop What do you mean? Someone in co-op gave us something I went ta Oh sorry I'm spending time with my kids

Oh no Ta Ta She was like you patronising Piece of shit I was like ta Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Something else really exciting happened.

Look, whatever it is, just get it out of the way quickly because I need to get this over and done with because I need to go and concentrate on my proper career. What? I think I'm going to go pro with golf. Oh, don't. Why are you bringing this up? I went to play golf yesterday, didn't I?

I know you did. Rosie, I'm a golf guy now. Oh, no. Rosie, I'm a golf guy. I went to play golf with my dad and my mate beat them both didn't I beat them both did you actually win

yeah actually won yeah haven't been on a golf course that's you all over six years that is you all over beating both

my dad he should be embarrassed he lives there he should be embarrassed he was there the two days before as well knows everyone there he's a member you know he made the

you know there's nets there's nets at the golf course where they're like it's like scaffold and they're netting you can stand practice you hit your balls almost like cricketers you hit the ball and just hit the net he like built them what do you mean he built them he built them like he made the nets at the golf course like okay because he's mr handyman just in his spare time just yeah like goes up that like that's how ingrained he is in the golf course he built

one of the bells on one of the holes where you can't see the end of the hole so when you're finished you can ring the bell he put that bell up mind I can I want to put this out here now this is me

you've skipped forward to me beef the golf thing it's fine right do not think that you're going to turn in one of these blokes who plays golf all the time

no nah I'm not having it it's been I'm a golf guy okay then pack your bags pack your bags

pack my golf bags yeah pack your little golf bag put everything that you own in that little golf bag and fuck off

I'm not having I'm not being a golf widow I'm too young I'm too attractive you're talking nonsense now you're delirious

no I'm not don't Chris I don't mind every now and again it's a really selfish sport it's really selfish I'd it's not how it happens it's really selfish

I've got to commit to it I'd rather you went to the gym for an hour you can't be walking around you went for five hours yesterday round that golf course right it'll get quicker the better I get I'm not having that Chris

don't I don't want to get too annoyed about it my point is my dad should be embarrassed he's there every day and I whopped him yesterday right brilliant good for you your dad's retired

I think he's having an affair with these golf clubs no no he's not. I don't think he's going there. Your dad's retired. I think he's having an affair. With these golf clubs. No, no, he's not even at the golf course. He's somewhere else because I hammered him. I'd be embarrassed if I was him. No, there you go.

So there. Now my really exciting story is going to sound shit. How come? It's a really shit story. I just haven't told you. It's quite funny. Come on, what is it?

So, do you know me? The pyjama pants I've got, which I actually love, right? Do you know the pyjama pants I've got, which I actually love, right? Do you know the pyjama pants I've got? The new set I've got. No. The Mrs. Hinch from Tesco, right? I actually really like them.

They look a lot posher than Tesco pyjamas. They're far too long for us, right? I was taking Rafe to bed the other night. Right. And I walked up the stairs, but because I had him and his bottle in the other hand, right? I couldn't pull my pants up. So every step that I walked up the stairs but because I had him and his bottle in the other hand

I couldn't pull my pants up so every step that I took up the stairs my pants came down so by the time I got to the top of the stairs they were fully off and so I had to

just give him his bottle and his chair with nothing on like no nick as no pants nothing just had to sit in the chair feed him his like no nick has no pants nothing just had to sit in the chair

feed him his bottle and put him to bed completely butt naked from the waist down is there a skid mark on that chair possibly possibly

but it was just very funny whilst it was happening but no one was there I do know I do know which pants these are because last night

you were walking in the bedroom and I walked past you and I accidentally fell down again yeah yeah yeah yeah fucking honestly i need a personal seamstress you know do you know when we did the show you know who did the tv show remember that feels like seven years ago um the lady who uh worked with abigail our stylist who did that she was a seamstress. I was like, do you just do these kind of things all the time? She is a personal seamstress for people.

That's a mad one, isn't it? There's families living in this country who have a personal seamstress. By your size. Well, no, just, I mean, what if the, you know, I'm five foot one. She could come and she could have a full week's work. Yeah. I've got loads of stuff to take up. She could take up all of your trousers and with the left of her stuff,

she could probably make some curtains. Probably, yeah. Yeah. But imagine that just like, oh, me seamstress. Another world, innit? Me seamstress who's on a, on a wage. Again, do you know what it is? Again, I don't even find that to be a sort of, oh, how the other half live.

I'm not jealous of the fact that someone is living in that kind of world where they can have a seamstress because of, sort of, oh, how the other half live. I'm not jealous of the fact that someone is living in that kind of world where they can have a seamstress because of, you know, oh, how rich are they? I'm jealous because they've got time and organisation. How fucking organised do you have to be to go, that's worse than having your haircut booked in six weeks in advance.

Oh, yeah, I've got to meet with the seamstress. Or by this, your seamstress will come and sort this out. And you know you'd have to meet with her. How much fucking time you've got on your hands. You'd have to meet with her to get it all taken in and all that it made a lot of sense

part of me when we were still doing the TV show I was like I'm going to be on national television yeah I was like but I can't be arsed to be pinned all hour I'd have happily gone on

with them too long do it in pyjamas halfway down the steps to fall down happy days do the whole thing funny out walking down the stairs

oh shit just keep a camera rolling we can't be arsed let's get this over with okay now it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef beef Oh, shit. Let's keep a camera rolling, McCombie arse. Let's get this over with. Okay, now. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef?

Beef, beef, beef. Now, I feel like we've got a lot of beefs with each other this week. I feel like you've already said mine. Right, yeah. The golfing.

Yeah, so your beef with me is that I'm trying to have a hobby. No. I'm trying to have a hobby and have a bit of time for myself. I'm very happy that you've found a lovely little hobby, right?

That you get a bit fresh air, a bit of exercise. Lovely, bloody walk. Just, it doesn't need to be five hours long. Well, it has to be five hours long. You're taking the piss. But it has to be, because that's how long it takes. Do you know I've been running again, right? Yeah.

And it's literally 27 minutes I do. Yeah. I feel guilty the whole way around. Really? Because I've left you with the kids. Yeah. Yeah, you love to make me feel guilty about leaving you with the kids. I didn't leave you with the kids yesterday.

You put your dog eyes on. I didn't leave you with the kids yesterday. You put your dog eyes on. I didn't leave you with the kids. The kids were with your mum. I was working though. Well, what's the problem then? What did you want me to do? Right, anyway. That's the thing.

No, no, no, no. Listen, no, no, no, no, no, no. Right, okay. The thing is, you get very into hobbies. Oh, well. Very quickly. I'm a golf guy now. That's what I mean.

Rosie, Rosie. I don't take up a hobby. A hobby takes me up. Right? I got a bike. That is so true. I got two bikes. I got an exercise bike.

I'm a bike guy. He's got a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Bought the whole kid. Wore it once. More than once. I think you'll find when I've got a bit more time I'm going to start going back there

because it was a fantastic sport. When the kids are in bed. Apparently when the kids are in bit more time, I'm going to start going back there because it was a fantastic sport. When the kids are in bed. Apparently when the kids are in bed. And now, I'm a golf guy. So, watch out for... Watch out. My ex was a golf guy. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Emphasis on the word ex. Oh, so that's all I have to do? Double bubble. Bit of free time. Bit more free time. What? Promise.

50-50 with the kids. no no that's that's crazy talk listen there because i already ruined your beef i'm so sorry that we already saw the thing so to make that up i've got two no you can't have two i've got a little tiny beef and i've got a big beef okay i do hold on let's have a look yeah i've got a little time yeah okay so this isn't a beef right this is just something really stupid you said the other day which I found hilarious

right so we went to our friend Kenny Atkinson's new restaurant the other day yes Solstice Solstice

on the quayside in Newcastle phenomenal incredible amazing like you know you're not popping there you're not popping there

for your tea it's an event it's an occasion we went for my birthday it's a big thing it's phenomenal we've always liked a bit of posh grub though it's always been my downfall I remember it's an event it's an occasion where you went for your birthday it's phenomenal we've always liked a bit of posh grub

it's always been my downfall it's an experience well I remember having 20 quid in my bank and that was probably in my 2.5 grand

overdraft do you know when you were so overdrawn that your overdraft became just your money you didn't see the minus anymore

you were like oh amazing I've got 100 pound no you're 2.5 grand overdrawn what 2400 overdrawn I've got £100 no you're £2,500 over drone £2,400 over drone I've got £100 I think you'll find yeah basically

but I love eating out so much that it was like last 20 quid do you want to put petrol in your car or do you want to go for a curry I'm walking to that Indian

walking to that Indian restaurant get on your shoes yeah I've always I've been exactly the same I just love eating now i think food and wine is just the experience well they do that thing where they've got a sommelier so they've got the wine guy and he comes over and he pours the wine for you he explains where's the wines from

and what it should taste like it's amazing oh yeah so what was just just a bizarre little moment i don't know if you're too drunk to remember it but you just so people want want great things for the kids you know you want your kids to follow the dreams and do whatever. The sommelier came, guys, and he poured the wine and he told about the wine. And Rosie just turned to me and she went, imagine how a Ralph or Robin become a sommelier. Now, I've got nothing against sommeliers. What's wrong with that?

Well, I've got nothing against sommeliers. They're absolutely phenomenal. I'd love to know that much about wine. Extremely knowledgeable. Yeah. Brilliant job, right? I wouldn't put it up there with when people say like,

imagine me son became a doctor or a lawyer or a surgeon or a rocket scientist. Right. I'm not dissing sommeliers, but it's not up there. Right, well then.

But the best bit was, I went, sommelier? You went, yeah. I went, sorry, do you just want them to give you wine?

And you went, yeah. Basically, yeah. It's just fucking like, imagine, imagine, imagine how robin or rave own a beer factory like if robin or rave are you kidding me sommelier yes imagine the knowledge they would have and then they'd be like mom mom we're going to nap i'll be like you fucking backtrack and start talking about how knowledgeable and intelligent they'd be. No, you just wanted to literally go,

Robin, you think you're going out with your girlfriend or your boyfriend tonight? No, you're not. You're staying in here because Mammy's having her friends round and you're going to come and pour her wine and tell her the stories about it. That's what that was. Don't you fucking give it large. Rafe, where's this red from, son? South Africa.

All right, I I explain it again you auntie Steph Steph he's telling you about the wine Steph put it down your smokiness Steph can you smell the smokiness can you smell it

can you smell I've got COVID I can't but someone can we smell it hey listen I would love that I think it would be great

imagine if they both were Stop trying to make My kids be sommeliers Just because you want To fucking have a sommelier In the house Honestly It's horrible

You like I would love that Do you know what it is That can be me beef Oh no go on What was your second one Oh okay I've gone on

Alright Come on then Are you ready I am ready You Keep asking me If I've got packed or done something in such a way that you make me doubt myself when i know for a fact i've got packed or done the thing that you like just today we're coming here and you are like if you got my laptop and I went yeah it's in my bag and you went have you though

are you sure right and it's this way that you put on where I go I know I've put it in my bag and I know it's in my bag but you basically

the tone you say it with it's like have you got it right because if we get there okay sorry no no because if we get there

and you haven't I'm going to be a fucking nightmare yeah because we live in a world where I'm learning from your mistakes that you've made in the past where you've just forgotten loads of stuff I'm glad from your mistakes that you've made in the past where you've just forgotten

loads of stuff I'm glad someone is alright you just make as little you go lock the door yeah I've locked

the door are you sure you've locked the door it's like a fucking Jedi mind trick and I'm like

I know I've done it but I'm gonna get out the car now and I'm gonna check again because it's not fucking worth the arse ache that I'm gonna

get but as well though right in my defence you're that anal arsehole who just likes to do things and take the control away and it pisses me off what do you mean But as well though, right, in my defence, you're that anal arsehole who just likes to do things and take the control away and it pisses me off.

What do you mean? Like today, my suitcase, I packed my suitcase, we've been staying in Shields and I put it and you put it and you took it. And I was like, I wasn't even finished. Because you're so anal, you just finish things for us and it pisses me off. Sorry, I put it in the car for you. I wasn't done. You what? I said, shall I put this in the car for you. I wasn't done. You what?

I said, shall I put this in the car? And you said yes. I must have been answering somebody else. What? You're a, honestly. Guys, does anyone else have this out there? I try and do her favours. I try and do her favours.

Guys, does anyone else have this? I try and do you favours. And you have a go at, look at you, you took me suitcase. I lifted the heavy suitcase and I went and put it in the car for you. No, you're a busybody. Get over yourself. Wow. Wow. Listen, let's get the kids and put it in the car for you. No, you're a busybody. Get over yourself. Wow. Wow.

Listen, let's get the kids signed up for that course. The Sommelier course. Do you think there's any summer camps? Sommelier summer camp.

Does your six-year-old like to spend the summer holidays eating grapes, stamping grapes and they've got to spit the wine out and they've got to spit the wine out. They've got to spit the wine out. They're six.

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questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. As always, if you would like to get in touch and send us anything at all, it is shaggedmoudanoid

at gmail.com I started dabbing a lot, which is really... Did you just dab there? I just dabbed. Wow, I'm surprised you did it without hitting the microphone. You normally hit the microphone.

I know. It's very irritating. Dabbing. Icks. Still, so many icks. I'm going to start off with an ick, because we've just got... We get so many of them, right?

Hi, Rosie and Chris. I've got an ick. It's when adults have their clothes hanging up on children's hangers. That's it. Age 11 to 12 or some shit. What? What? Okay, well, it's come from something so it says um when me and my boyfriend moved out together he brought loads of hangers from home and they were

all pure child size and i had to bin the lot of them we've lived together since 2018 and today i was putting clothes away and saw he had one of his t-shirts hung up on a rogue 12 to 13 hanger and had to get rid of it immediately wow

it doesn't go all the way to the shoulders either it sort of hangs the neck if it's a jumper or a t-shirt the sort of it only goes to

half way to the shoulder I bought some for Rafe which were I think I got them at like TK Maxx they're like they're quite posh ones, like the velvet ones. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That actually keep your clothes on. Sorry, they can fuck off. Why? It's impossible to get your clothes on them. What do you mean? You break a sweat trying to get your clothes on them. Oh, no, I love them, me. Nah.

Big up the velvet hanger. Yeah, well, because they don't slip off, obviously. You open the T-shirt and you try and push the thing inside. It grabs a hold of it. It's a nightmare. Oh, well, personally, I wear quite a lot of blouses. So it's good for me.

Oh, well, bloody congratulations. Anyway. Elitist. Wow. Wow. Do you know someone called me elitist because I was having a glass of wine on Instagram? That's what I was referring to.

Oh. Yeah. And you know that exact wine was from Asda. I bought that wine myself, that red wine. Very reasonably priced. I don't understand how red wine is elitist. Well, you know, that's because

some of these people have never drank in bus stops. That is true. Like we have. That is true. What was I saying? So yeah, so Rafe,

I bought him some little hangers, right? Never used them because all his clothes ended up in a drawer. Why did I think I would hang his clothes up? Dreaming.

Just in a way that... Aspirational. It was the one child thing when I used to have one kid. I used to hang Robin's clothes up. Dreaming. Just in a way that... Aspirational. It was the one child thing when I used to have one kid. I used to hang Robin's clothes up. No. Until he was about one. Wow.

Until he was about born and then I stopped. I hung all his clothes up. Before he was born I had them all hung up and then he was born and my life went to shit and I've never hung anything up since.

Fucking bullshit. Yeah, that is so true. Absolute bullshit. Rafe's wardrobe, empty. Yeah. Open it, moths fly out.

Yeah, yeah. It's terrible. It's all in a chest of drawers, one chest of drawers. Anyway, so his hangers have, through just kind of

rogueness and laziness, have kind of migrated into my wardrobe and they're awful they're absolutely awful tiny little hangers and i've got like stuff on them and i don't know why do you know what i've done in the pure in a pure form of laziness before what um so if you've ever got like a t-shirt or a jumper or like a jacket thing that's got a little hook on the back almost like a school hook but it's just like uh the one i'm wearing now has got one yeah so it's just got

the thing have you just put it around the top I've just hooped it on the hook Chris hello listen my name's Rosie Ramsey I'm a lazy bitch

just got the hanger and thought shall I open this from the bottom so obviously there's the two ways you can do it you can go up

from the bottom proper way or you can stretch the neck over it and then the next time you wear the t-shirt you go wish I'd never done that or literally

I just go I'll just put this hook through that label and hang it on there done you can get about 20 on it I mean for you being as anal as you are about a lot of things you go wish I'd never done that or literally I just go I'll just put this hook through that label and hang it on there absolutely done you can get about 20 on it I mean for you being

as anal as you are about a lot of things clothes depends on the thing you don't give a shit depends on the thing you live off a floor drobe yeah

I don't believe in ironing I've said it before I think we should phase it out I think we should normalise creases sick of it I actually agree with that you know sick of it

I hate them but at the same time, don't do much to get rid of them. Normalise them. Robin looks like a bag of shit all the time. Not school. I need school clothes, but other than that. Congratulations.

Yeah, I know. Well done. Don't want to be judged. Elitist. Hiya. I was listening to the episode where Sandra was wearing a You Are Enough nightie. Yes.

Mom, you're enough. Yeah. And it gave me a memory I thought was funny. I've emailed in the past about these grandparents when they stole our turkey on Christmas Day. Sorry. I can't remember this one. I'm sorry.

No, no. I've never read that out. Oh, you've never read that out? So, right. Okay. If you've sent an email into the emails i'm so sorry there's there's like thousands and thousands tens of thousands we're getting through them you it may get read out one day but don't think that it's because it's rubbish please

don't take it personally it's just so hard to keep on top of them all anyway so it is anyway right i was about 12 and heading down to cornwall for our yearly family caravan holiday. And because we lived near Manchester, we had to wake up at 3am to start the drive down. Time to do what I get there. Right. We're getting there for the office opening. Why? Why?

Why do people put such like timeframes on the holiday? We've got to be at Cornwall for nine. So we'll get up at three. Why? Travel, travel at nine have your day travelling yeah they might have only got

a certain amount of time off work I suppose yeah but still catching a plane from Manchester to Cornwall if you're leaving at three

in the morning you're going to get there about midday maybe a little bit later with stops jeez is that how far it is depending on what part of Cornwall

it's fucking miles is it it's miles how far is it from here beautiful part ages like nine nine hour drive from here nine ten hour drive easy whoa easy probably six hours from manchester depending what the traffic's okay i didn't realize it was that far it's so far that's why blessed guys anyone from down there it's a beautiful part of the world. It's so gorgeous. I love going down there. But every single time a comedian announces a tour, you always see Twitter people going, what about the Southwest?

Honestly, it's just fucking miles away. Miles away. Yeah, it is. But so beautiful. Okay, fair enough. So they're set up for three. And so they should. It was me, my mum and sister and my grandparents. While we were driving down, my nana suddenly commented to my mum

asking why she had bought deodorant with a biscuit smell. Oh, God. To which my mum replied, there was no deodorant in your room this morning. Oh, God. Turns out my nana and grandad had both used my mum's fake tan, which was in a spray bottle. Oh.

Right. nana and grandad had both used my mum's fake tan which was in a spray bottle right so many questions already for the rest of our holiday I had a walk around with both my nana and grandad having bright orange underarms which they shamelessly would not hide under t-shirts but wear strappy tops with just an orange area around their underarms

sorry right kids right tomorrow morning don't forget set your alarms three o'clock we're getting up three o'clock

we're all gonna pile in the car me, you, your nana your grandad your mam, your dad and don't worry nana and grandad they're not gonna be deodorised

they're gonna have sprayed fake tan under their armpits they'll be fucking stinking of biscuits and sweat and they're gonna wear their vests

let's go Cornwall happy holidays I hope we see Stonehenge fuck me oh god question one why does the Niner and Grandad

not have their own deodorant I don't know two why are they sharing deodorant with each other I don't know three

why do they expect the service in their daughter's house to be that a bottle of deodorant is in their room in their room like a hotel specifically well the next email might explain a bit more okay so i found this lady's name great and i put that into the search bar yeah and i found the stolen turkey oh fantastic so this is also the story of the stolen turkey hello i know it's a little early,

but I was listening to last year's Christmas special and it reminded me of this story. I hope this is interesting. I did send it to Rosie's Instagram, but realised I should probably email it. She really holds a grudge. I did send this other story. So she sent a story about the deodorant

and in that she said, I sent another one, by the way, and you found the other one. And in this one, she's having a story about the deodorant and in that she said I sent another one by the way and you found the other one and in this one she's she's having a good year she just wants to let me know and that's fine

don't take it personally we get a lot of stuff and we love that you're listening we love that you enjoy it we love that you send stuff in you know we're getting through it and also

I'm so sorry but I have turned all DMs off on my Instagram because yeah every you know the majority of people in the world

are bloody beautiful i would chat to you all day long but unfortunately there's some utter ass wipes yeah and i haven't got everyone the spoil it they've spoiled it they've spoiled it they've ruined it yeah they've ruined it for us and i can't open it up because someone will just say something and i'll want to find out where they live and go around and slap them in the face but i can't do that Chris I'm not allowed to do that so I just have to shut them off I mean you could

because most of them are from fake accounts that I've made to troll you so you could just come and slap me I'm in the same house as you

if I could just slap you that would make it so better wow great but I've never even had a fight before anyway right so here you go

Rosie and Chris about six years ago I was spending Christmas with my mum, nan and grandad. This was the first year without my sister as she was with her partner. Oh, fucking hell. Jesus. Why did you leave a gap there? Oh, man.

So it was already smaller Christmas than usual. Right. Sorry for the irrelevant backstory. Well, we thought your sister was deed, so that's fine. Yes, that was terrifying. It was Christmas Eve and my nan and grandad said they suddenly felt ill and had to go home. My mum and I were shocked but offered to look after them and everything. We had nothing else to be doing Christmas and all.

Okay. They said no. Right. Capital N-O. Said no, we feel ill ill Don't want to look after We feel we're leaving We're leaving Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve This was an odd decision As they were going to make A four hour drive home On Christmas Eve In the dark Feeling ill Good grief

I know I mean we couldn't force them to stay So they got ready to leave Still showing no signs of illness That's fucking not wrong with them Sounds like my mum and dad Want to drop the kids off After they've had them for a little while.

Oh yeah, do you want to cut back? We're off now, we're off. No, see you, bye. We're off, we're off, we're off. We're going, we're back, bye. No, it's fine, we're going, bye. That's a true representation. 100%.

And my mum as well. Everyone. Yeah. Yeah. Can't believe them. They then realised whilst packing that they had no food in the fridge at home. So they asked if they could take some food home.

Obviously, we had christmas food only so a massive turkey veg spuds and pudding that my mom had pre-made we offered for them to take some of the veg and potatoes and we would keep the turkey seeing as we bought it and they were ill and wouldn't really eat it anyway with them being ill and all that so they put in some bags and then into bin bags. Brackets. Weird. My mum and I got drunk and went to bed seeing as it was Christmas Eve. The next morning we woke up and looked in the fridge. They had taken everything. Fuck off.

They had stolen the fucking turkey with the veg and potatoes and the homemade pudding. No way. This is the nan and grandad. They emptied the fridge. They cleaned them out. Literally cleaned them out. Needless to say, I was fuming. And to this day, I still hold a grudge.

I still don't understand why they were ill and took all the food. And it has just never been discussed since. That is so weird. No one's ever said to them. Yeah. You're ruined for Christmas. I'm sorry. I can't have this level of mystery.

I swear. So what did they do? They've never discussed it. So much so, my mum and I refused to buy a turkey just in case it gets stolen. So we have themed Christmas days.

What? We had Mexican the year after and I can send you the family picture of us in sombreros at the table. They're getting flashbacks

of the turkey so they won't have a turkey. My question is, how long can you reasonably hold a grudge for? For that what were they up to that manner and grander what were they up to they're a couple of right okay i'm gonna give you i'm gonna give you a scenario right do i want to make them look better or worse worse always worse oh okay let's make them look better they had double booked at the local

soup kitchen so they took all of that didn't want to tell them but they knew that it was going to some people who were worse off and they're feeding them on Christmas day bollocks because you would tell them that they were having other people over do you think they just hadn't told them

maybe someone else's side of the family were all coming over they don't get on with these people so they're like oh look we'll go around with theirs it's a bit of a fucking hype

but we'll go around theirs we'll just see them Christmas Eve we'll make excuses we'll leave we'll go to the shops oh fucking hell we've left it too late

we'll never get to it clear the fridge out right that's it oh my gosh what the fuck did these poor people eat on Christmas day pot noodles and

cheese on toast to be honest with you right to me Christmas dinner is sacred oh god it is such a sacred thing these poor people eat on Christmas Day, pot noodles and cheese on toast. To be honest with you, right, to me, Christmas dinner is sacred. Oh, God. It is such a sacred thing. I'd be furious. I would be livid.

I don't know if I would speak to them again, you know. It's like the only day where nothing is fucking open. Yeah, nothing's open. There's nothing you could do. There's no takeaways or anything open, is there? I think some takeaways open on the night. Do they? Yeah, but still, I mean, wow. They're fuming. And that's a 99 the night. Do they? Yeah. But still, I mean, wow. Cool.

They're fuming. And that's a 99 grander. Imagine. I'm now not surprised that they put fake tan on their armpits. Sharing each other's deodorant. Yeah. Crazy. Jesus.

I've just started listening to your podcast, and I instantly thought of a story to share with you and your listeners. This actually happened to one of my best friends. Let's call her Lydia. Ooh, that's a good fake name i like it lydia lydia as a consultant in brackets no not medical i don't really understand what this is as i'm a teacher i think i don't really understand anyone's job okay well the consultant depends what you do well this is pre-pandemic lydia used to travel up and down the country her employer would pay for her to stay in hotels so she found herself

in a popular hotel chain somewhere up north says nothing else about her job so she's a consultant a consultant about something imagine not giving that much of a shit

about what your friend does a best friend I've got friends I don't know what they do what do you mean? don't know what they do no idea I don't know what

any of your friends do actually I've got a couple of close friends it's like the whole Chandler Bing thing I've got a couple of close friends I've got no fucking clue what their job is no clue I know exactly who you mean I thought Stevie Bone in my opera Stevie Bone what's Stevie Bone do I don't know no neither do I I don't know it's either fire alarms or electric doors one of the two and I'm probably gonna find out that it's neither is it sales or is he I don't know I don't know what he does and he's and you know and I'm probably going to find out that it's neither is it sales or is he

I don't know Rosie I don't know what he does and do you know what I'm not joking Rosie he's told us fucking like so many times

ring him now and just quickly say what is your job because I'd like to know actually I doubt he'll pick up because he'd be doing his job

oh what he hasn't got a job right so I'm going what are you guessing he's got a nice car right yeah I I'm going, what are you guessing? He's got a nice car, right? Yeah. I feel like he's a consultant for something.

Consultant, right. He's got a good job. I think it's fire alarms or electric... All right, can I just tell you right now? I have no idea what field it's in.

Okay, right, okay. Okay. Call failed. Right, let's ring. So this is Chris's very good friend, Stephen Bone. Never picks up when he's at work.

Why? Because whatever it is... He takes his job really seriously. Hello, mate. Hello, mate. You all right? Oh, you're FaceTiming us. Stop it.

Hello, how are you? Hello, you okay? Hi, how are you? Listen, I'm doing... Right, bit of a weird one. I'm doing the podcast, right? You're on, your audio's on now. I just want to know,

what is your job? What's my job? What's your job title? What do you do? Project manager. Of? Fire alarm in an emergency room. Yeah!

Fire alarms! Come on! I'm done. Fucking fire alarms, because I don't know what, I've just said, we've got a letter of someone who doesn't know what their friend's job is, and I said you what, automatic doors are fire alarms. Because I don't know what you have just said. We've got a letter of someone who doesn't know what their friend's job is.

And I said you what? Automatic doors or fire alarms? Fucking get in fire alarms. I do listen. Well, there you go. I'm so proud of myself. Right, that's it. Bye, mate.

That's all I wanted. Bye. There you go. Well done. Fucking fire alarms. Well done. Come on. What?

I don't understand, though. Just all the fire alarms? We need to get more fire alarms. I don't the fire alarm i don't want any i don't want any i think this is what i do i think because i don't know in and out what he does properly i don't i just know it's fire alarms because i don't know any more information that little surface level information is easily chipped away and that just goes and then you know probably episode 280 i'll probably ring him again and we'll act like we've never done this before i need to feel like so i'm gonna have to ask him so your project manager of fire alarms but what i don't understand but isn't that i find that people who are consultants or who are project managers or who are like civil servants they just give you that

like what's the company yeah fire alarms did you hear does he work for the fire brigade no it's fire alarms but what fire alarms project managers the fire alarms what's wrong with you oh hang on a minute you went to bloody b&m bargains the other day and bought some fire alarms is he your project manager is he the project manager of them fire alarms i don't understand i need to know more i'm gonna have to ring him i'm gonna have to ring him personally after this i can't sleep my point is people who are project managers or something like that you go what's your job they go project manager

and you go right that gives that's like your position surely that's like go what's your job team leader of what

restaurant like oh we're fucking out so catering then we're going to need no more well you you bloody cut them

off there you were like buy me Rosie I was so excited that I got it right I was so excited I got it right

big task there's a lot of fire alarms in this country loads ofads of fire, dangerous. I'm really impressed now. I feel safe. Do you feel safe? Really safe. Towards bedtime she decided to make herself a cup of tea. So she's in these hotels. No idea what she does. Consulting. She's just consulting. She's doing her consultancy. She's just consulting she's decided to make herself a cup of tea now I don't know how you fill your kettle

but I never take the lid off right I always pour the water directly through the spout oh god I don't do that I actually do lift the lid off no I expect in a hotel

I rinse a hotel kettle sometimes I'll do a boil and then empty it because something horrible is going to happen okay well we stay in hotels a lot some people do not well she should

if she's consulting right if she's consulting, right, if she's consulting half the time that she thinks she's pretty consulting, she should be filling everyone in the hotel,

fill the kettle up, boil it full, empty that shit out, boil it again, full, pour the boiling water over the cup you're about to use,

empty the cup, then make a cup of tea. Okay. I'm serious. See, my mum would never do that. Right, well, that's well that's why she's probably

ingested more pubes than anyone else on the planet yep yeah I would agree with that we should get that on a nightie for her the pube guzzler

Sandra Winder not enough pubes you are enough pubes You are enough Pubes So she puts it Oh Jesus So she just puts it I always pour the water

Directly through the spout Therein was Lydia's error She filled the kettle Boiled it And poured the hot water Into a cup with a tea bag Oh god As she did so

She noticed a funny smell Sort of earthy And tangy Oh no She closed the hotel window Assuming the smell Was something outside She noticed a funny smell. Sort of earthy and tangy. Oh, no. She closed the hotel window, assuming the smell was something outside. And then sat down on the bed to drink a tea. Oh, she's had a really hard day consulting all of the people. Oh, I feel fucking ill.

What could it be? Lifting the cup to her face and taking a few nervous sips, she noticed that the smell strengthened the closer it was. Was it the tea? She thought it tasted fine in brackets. How? She tipped it down the sink and then emptied the kettle too. To her horror, she saw that the water from the kettle was brown. No, not brown. But the water from the taps was clear. She opened up the kettle, expecting to find the tea bag inside. Instead, there was something lurking at the bottom of the kettle.

Using a spoon, she scooped out the mysterious object. Do you want to guess what it is? I mean, I'm going with shit. You're going to go with shit? I'm going with human shit. Okay. It was a pair Of blood

Stained Knickers Oh my god In the kettle Why is that worse than shit? It kind of is isn't it? It kind of is worse Needless to say

I've always inspected kettles Very carefully after hearing this What's the worst thing You've ever found in a hotel? There you go. It's apparently a thing though, because it says here, I know Chris is the details guy, so I googled knickers in

kettles and discovered that lots of countries don't have kettles, so many people are confused on visiting Britain as to what they should be for. We've talked about this before. Yeah, so I think they've gone, oh, that's my knicker, Tyler. That's where you boil your bloody kegs. Yeah. So I think they've gone, oh, that's my, that's my knicker, boiler. That's where you boil

your bloody kegs. Dirty, horrible bastards. Dirty bastards. Dirty, horrible, dirty, horrible bastards. That would upset me. So like, if you had drank that,

what would you do? I'd have to vomit. I would have to vomit. I honestly, I believe I would probably run around on the spot for a few minutes. Yeah. Trying to work out what to do. Yeah. I honestly, I believe I would probably run around on the spot for a few minutes trying to work out

what to do. Yeah. I would, I'd probably open the door to the hotel room and leave the kettle in the corridor just so it wasn't

in the room anywhere near us. I'd do the same with the cup and the spoon and everything. I'd probably brush my teeth, have a shower, definitely cry a bit.

Yeah. Phone reception. Would you not make yourself vomit? I can't even do that very well. No, I sick i might be it would be it would be lurking my whole day would be ruined yeah i wouldn't be able to eat for the rest of the day no i'd be i'd have to eat i'd have to eat to get it like just thinking about it i would phone hotel reception and i would oh my god i would just they'd get the full story i'd literally be like i'd be like come up come up and see this yeah you're coming up to see it or i'm gonna come down and bring it to the reception

i'm gonna bring it in front of everyone i'm gonna walk through the bar going everyone check your kettles because there's blood stained kegs in my kettle so gone nah the worst horrendous we spoke about but the worst thing we've ever found in a hotel was that the festering shit that we found yeah we found that that was fun we've got a free bottle of wine sock in a bed sock in a hotel was that festering shit that we found yeah we found that that was fun we got a free bottle of wine though sock in a bed sock in a bed was the worst

one of the worst ones sock in a bed that's grim put my foot in the bed and there was a sock there I don't think I found anything else really really bad in a hotel people trying to break in my hotels but I've talked about that

in my stand up for me it was when we when I was in the band oh the sleeping man oh the sleeping man I found a sleeping man in the hotel yeah that is true

I was going to do Lorraine first time I did Lorraine and it gives me hotel keen I went up the room and i opened the door and there's just all the lights on in my room sleeping man in the bed what did you do walk back out and got a different room the weirdest but i walked right to the bottom of the bed with my suitcase and i walked in and he was just like lying he's back on and i kind of didn't hear you no and i just looked at him i thought that's weird well i thought that's why that's why when I stay in a hotel and it doesn't have the latch I pile stuff up

against the door because I literally walked into that bloke's fucking room I could have took photos of him I could have done a shit on his floor I could have put my

bloody knickers in his kettle I could have done what I wanted terrifying worst things I've ever found in beds just pubes I remember when I was

in the band in the cabaret band we used to stay we used to stay in Blackpool every weekend and I don't want to slag them off too much because it was in the cabaret band we used to stay we used to stay in Blackpool every weekend and I don't want to slag them off too much because it was a B&B

and they used to do Jay's washing like one of the lads it was away from home all the time so the woman did his washing every weekend which is so sweet

but I used to get pissed off because I'd be like hang on she's washing you're washing but she's not washing the fucking sheets that we're about to sleep in

because her pubes are like that with them she hasn't changed the bed from the pubes that were here about to sleep in. Right. Because her pubes are like that with them. She hasn't changed these, she hasn't changed the bed from the people who were here last night. Were the pubes not falling off you

into the bed? I didn't have any pubes then. That was when I used to like actually care about my vagina and I didn't have any pubes. Were there like boys pubes like falling off

just like your shoulders? What, we just got there and there's just pubes, oh, what, you lads, you've been up already sticking your pubes all over the bed?

No. They do the pick and pluck thing in some of the i never seen that on a documentary where instead if one person's had a room for the night and they're like oh what's the point in changing the sheets they'll just go around the bed and pick and pluck all of the pubes off and whatever and then they'll leave the bed get a hoover what you're picking horrific change the sheets yeah but why are you talking about getting a hoover the point is why are you wasting about getting a hoover the only point is

why are you wasting your time picking up individual pubes how long you got hoover the bed sheets Chris they should change the bedding okay gross

my point is if you're just going to collect your pubes hoover them up I'm just having to go to the system right okay right I don't like the whole

thing behind it but yeah horrific and I remember just lying there smelling another person on the pillow and being like this is but I was young and I didn't lying there smelling another person on the pillow and being like this

is but I was young and I didn't really care that much I suppose okay but it was awful it was not nice like now as the person I am now 35 I'd be horrified you're 36 next week oh jeez Louise hi Chris and Rosie hello for the last couple of years I've listened to your listeners disgusting confessions and thought it about time to cleanse myself of a few things I've done which I think will suit the podcast. Oh, this sounds great. During my

twenties, I had a bit of a mad time. Didn't we all? Didn't we all? Few one night stands, few booty calls etc. Listen, we've all been there and I actually think, personally, it puts you in good stead for the rest of your life gets it out of the way

doesn't it yeah I know a lot of people who married young who are now you know a little bit like haven't slept around enough I'm like it's not actually that good

but I can understand how you feel but the grass is always greener on the other side neighbors got a new car that you want to drive and times are better do you want to stay alive

what is that song I don't know. What's the chorus? That's it. Oh. God, that's annoying. Might be Travis or someone, I don't know. Right.

So they had a bit more time. Probably, this could be me writing this in, right? Yeah. Okay. I'd gone out one night hoping to bump into a guy I'd had a few dalliances with. And lucky me, I did. There he is. We ended up back at his and got down to business.

Why? In my drunken stupor, I'd forgotten I'd got my period that evening during pre-drinks. It's always the worst. Oh, gosh. And had to remove a tampon. Right. Short story, really.

Couldn't be bothered to make my excuses and go to the toilet as I was naked and he had a flatmate. So I discreetly, in brackets, probably not that discreetly, mind, removed the tampon and just carefully tucked it down the side of his bed. Oh, my word. My word. I've felt guilty for about 10 years now.

Yes. I thought she was going to say 10 minutes and then I moved it. So she left it there. She left it there. You, you, oh. Do you know what it is, right? Okay, right.

No, there's no excuse here. No, no, no, no. Personally, I don't think, well, I've never done that before, right? And I don't know it. Congratulations. But, but, I'm not judging because we've all done things in the past which are a bit, oh... Say, I find that hard because I specifically use this part of the podcast to judge,

so I am going to judge. Right. Oh, no, it's rotten. It's absolutely rotten. Don't you normally just go, oh, we can't have sex tonight, I'm on my period, sorry. No, because not everyone's like you, Chris.

Some blokes don't give a shit. I give a shit. Chris is like, oh, God, get away from me. Which, personally, I am buzzing about Friday the 13th yeah like Anna Carey's prom

whatever no something I mean listen would I would I be getting jiggy jiggy on a one night stand

on me rag probably not but have I done it in the past I can't remember I don't think I have so anyway she's took it out

when did you find that right well it says here she's felt guilty for about 10 years now because she's probably she's probably bloody I done it in the past? I can't remember. I don't think I have. So anyway, she took it out. When did he find that? Right, well it says here she's felt guilty for about 10 years now because she's probably, she's probably bloody married with kids now.

Got a, well, you know, she's probably project manager of something. The five memories you never know

might work together. That's all about Code Red. Oh, well done. I've always wondered whether he noticed the smell first

then found it during an investigation or moved the bed Oh, well done. I've always wondered whether he noticed the smell first. Oh! Then found it during an investigation or moved the bed when moving out and found a year or so old tampon soaked in brown blood. Makes me cringe every time I think about it, which is at least once a month. Oh! Well, of course.

Probably every time she gets a puke, she goes, oh, God, remember that one rogue tampon? It's so bad. So it went down the side of his bed not the mattress so it wouldn't oh my god

yeah so he's probably like have I been have I been counting my copper jar oh oh

oh god oh fucking rotten he'd be like I've took all me mugs out me room ma'am rotten that like

rotten oh there's another one here. Of course there is. After that guy, I met a guy who became a crap boyfriend of about two years. Okay.

The first time we had sex at my house, I just grabbed my pyjama bottoms to clean up and then keep them for every clean up we needed

for the rest of our relationship. Sorry. So the pyjama bottoms just became the spunk rag. It says, I kept a stiff,

cum-stained pair of pyjamas in my drawer for over two years. Oh, she's a beast. Gross, but almost like a badge of achievement. I was more sad about getting rid of them than I was the boyfriend. You've got problems, love. You've got serious problems. That's crazy. That's horrendous.

Not everyone's like you, you know, Chris. But not everyone's like that. No Chris but not everyone's like that no there's no people in the world disgusted by that than anything else I think there's a you fucking shatter them with a toffee hammer

by the sounds of things oh fucking hell like getting ice off your fucking car and it comes off in one big sheet oh

all I can think though is she might have lived with her parents how do you explain cum pyjamas just put them in the wash. I accidentally dropped them in the bath. I don't...

Get a roll of fucking kitchen roll or some toilet roll. I tell you what, one thing, right, with us having two boys, which, you know, terrifies us. I'm making that very clear, right? Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to teach them from a young age how to use the washing machine like genuinely how this is how you do it because i don't want to find spunky socks no yeah no oh god i'm already like a bit sad about it you know it's depressing it's really depressing on the horizon it's coming no we're very far off that yeah we're very far off that yes yes yes but it's it's gonna happen it's gonna happen

so I want from literally no stop it I don't want I don't want to think about this I'm gonna teach them

how to use the washing machine great and that's it thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed which is part of the Acast Creator Network

yes thank you very much indeed as always if you want to get in touch, shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. We'll be back in the years next week. Bye! Bye! Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

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