Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 183. Water is blue

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

The Ramsey's are back with beefs, icks and QFTP's but this week there is a little something extra, Rosie's jotters! Chris gets to the bottom of some of Rosie's teenage musings that he found in the loft...enjoy everyone and remember, water is blue. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, I am Christopher Ramsey. Thank you for pronouncing it correctly for the first time ever on this podcast.

How are you? Do you know what? I'm chipper. I'm in a good mood today. Chipper. I'm in a very good mood. Some holidays are nearly done. Don't even bang on about it. These last sort of four episodes, I saw everyone's going to turn them on and think, is that the same episode? And it's not.

It's just, we're still whinging about the same thing. I just don't get, I don't get how we're meant to do it. I like, and we have tried, I don't understand how it's supposed to work. I think it's slightly unfair on the kids. Did we talk about that last week? How it's like, literally,

they've got such a structure for the entire year and then for six weeks it's like god fuck off go on be feral run wild don't have a bath before bed yeah

Robin hasn't read for six weeks well he read the other day he's still alright so he won't can he still read sort of yeah

he's still alright he knows what he's doing he knows the letters and that he knows it goes from left to right and that

better than you still still much better do you know what happened? You know how obviously they have a different teacher in the next year or above. Robin hasn't done any reading and I was like you need to do some reading you know because you're next teacher

and he was like well I don't really because they've never heard us read before. Fantastic. So they'll not know if I've got any worse. He's dangerous that kid. He is dangerous. kid he is dangerous his logic is ridiculous yeah he's clever

he's gonna be an evil genius good stuff so I kind of said you've got a point son don't bother let's just fuck it off let's just fuck I tell you what

come on let's forget numbers come on me and you let's forget numbers numbers I've got isn't it hard trying to be strict when

like we both kind of didn't give a shit at school? Yes. It's really hard to try and instil, like, education. Oh, that's a good word. Academia in your kids. I did give a bit of a shit. Thank you very much. You're weirdly clever, though.

You just couldn't be arsed. But, yeah. I just talked. I talked constantly. That's all I did. I just talked nonstop. Still talking now, dickhead. Still talking now. Paying the bills with the talking. I, yeah, I just, I I talked constantly. That's all I did. I just talked nonstop. Still talking now, dickhead. Still talking now.

Paying the bills with the talking. I, yeah, I just, I know what you mean. I can't like push him to be like, get good grades. You need great grades. Because I was like, well, I didn't have, you know, I'm not going as far as doing the Jeremy Clarkson tweet here where he goes on about, you know, I'm on a yacht. Don't worry about your A-levels that he does every year. You know, I'm not saying that to everyone.

All I'm saying is, you're right. It is hard to go to your kid. You must do good grades when you're watching what I did do you remember I got shit once I got shit once on Instagram

because I did terribly in my GCSEs I left college after six months and I was about to do my ES level I just left yeah but you're an exception

you left because you got a job at the gadget shop who wouldn't leave true full time bitches who wouldn't leave what's that what's that two little bits of metal I plug into a potato and it turns into a cock because you've got a job at the gadget shop. Who wouldn't leave? True. Who wouldn't leave, Rosie? Who wouldn't leave?

What's that? What's that? Two little bits of metal I plug into a potato and it turns into a clock. Get me out of this. What, sumo suit? Yeah. Little boomerang that I throw in if I come straight back. A boomerang.

Get me out. Yeah. Oh, it was all over me. 600 quid a month. Do you know what I've just realised as well? Too right. Living at home, 30 quid more a week. I was loaded. Do you know what I've just realised as well? So excited. Talking about school and stuff. Yeah. quid board a week. I was loaded.

Do you know what I've just realised as well? So excited, talking about school and stuff. Yeah. We were doing a tidy out the other day. Yes. I found some of your old school books, your jotters.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And I forgot about them and they're down on the floor there. And later on this episode, we're going to read Rosie's Jotters. All right, okay. So you forgot. I thought you'd full on brought it.

Rosie's, Rosie's, Rosie's Jotters. No, you had a jingle. Rosie's Jotters. Did I? It was better than that. I can't remember what it was. It was like, Jot, jot, jotters. Jot, jot, jot, jot,ada's No, you had a jingle Rosie's, Jada's Did I? It was better than that I can't remember what it was It was like Jada's, Jada's, Jada's

Jada's, Jada's, Jada's, Jada's Oh, you've let yourself down I can't remember what the jingle was Well, speaking of jingles Should we do our jingle? No, no Because we need to pay the bills first It is time for this week's

Oh, yeah Guys, thank you so much for listening Thank you so much for tuning in Thank you so much for being here with us As we are here with you and for you Sorry, I don't know where that came from. It is episode 183. And without further ado,

it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is Bolognese Viennetta. Ooh. Excuse me? Ooh. Do you remember the 90s ice creamy cake goodness of Viennetta? Yeah, you do.

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Don't look at Jamie's face, but I'm horrified. I don't know where you're going with this. The layers of chocolate... The layers of chocolate have now been replaced with bolognese. The ice cream has been replaced with sheets of pasta. And the cream has been replaced with cheese sauce. And you can have it piping hot. It has to be served piping hot.

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What the... What the fuck? What was that? Is that because you've had lasagna for your lunch? Yeah, I was eating it. I was like, it's like a Viennetta, but it's like Bolognese. And...

You're stupid. You're actually stupid. You are scraping the barrel with this shit. I think you'll find that was great. I think you'll find that was great. A Bolognese Viennet. I didn't know where you were going with that. I think you'll find a lot of people caught on quicker than you.

And, you know, you're all welcome. Because that was just classic Ramsey, I think. It was just classic Ramsey. No, don't classic Ramsey yourself. That's vile. Hey, I'm going to do this. You ready? Can you hear this?

Hey. Well done. Pat yourself on the back. That made me feel a little bit sick not the bolognese viennet there because weirdly I got a bit hungry right

when you said classic Ramsay there that just reminded me of anybody who always say classic me oh fuck off

yeah classic me is bad well you know I'm doing it ironically I know but you know when people talk about themselves and they're like it's just classic me behaviour and you're like

don't analyse yourself that much. For me, should have seen me the other day. It was classic me and it was all me. Great on and out, out me. Me, I'm class on and out. Oh, Bolognese being that. We know people who have said these things. We do, we do, we do, we do.

And you do too, don't lie. Go on, play that jingle, man. Let's get fucking stuck on this Bolognese being that. Woo! Yep, yep, yep. Bolognese being that. Just one Bolognese being that. jingle man let's get fucking stuck here's the jingle come on woo yep yep yep just one give it to me we had a fight

about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle jingle

we hope you like the jingle jingle babadoo babadoo babadoo jingo This is the Jingle, Jingle. We hope you like the Jingle, Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. Yes. Not and annoyed. Not shagged, married and annoyed.

Shagged, married and annoyed. You are not watching this podcast, you are listening to this podcast. Still astounded at how many people say I watch your podcast. Literally can't get my head around it. Literally can't get my head around it. But hello. Hi. Thanks for coming back.

Thanks for joining. We're all good. Rosie, you good? I'm great. I've got a secret that I've been keeping from you for about 20 minutes, 25 minutes. So we got everything ready for the podcast. This is an exclusive here. Got everything ready for the podcast.

I did all my sort of notes and stuff and prepared things i did forget about the rosie's which we'll dive into later on and so you're upstairs just fucking about trying on clothes and stuff for some tv thing you've got coming up work yeah pathetic uh don't know who you think you are uh i was downstairs i had a little bit time to kill, so I went on the VR that me and Robin have been playing on, the Oculus Quest VR thing that we got. I am currently riding what I can only describe

as one of the biggest whiteys of my life because I stayed on the VR for approximately an hour on a zombie game and I genuinely currently feel hungover. No way. And I've been hiding it from you for the past sort of 20 minutes. Are you for real? Yeah you know

we were talking before. Is that what's the matter with you? Yeah you know I was quiet you were talking before and I was just like sitting quiet and you were like are you mad and I was like no no I'm alright I'm alright. Oh god. I'm literally riding a fucking motion sickness whitey from the VR. Holy shit. I had a full lasagna right, three bits of garlic bread. Bolognese viennetta. Bolognese viennetta thank you very

much for correcting us Rosie to you and then and then I went straight on the VR and time time while I act it's so intense

time while I act and honestly you know when you were like are you ready to do the podcast I was like two minutes I had to go and stand outside get some fresh air how long are you meant

to be on it for oh like 20 minutes but at the most and then stop really yeah there's like safety precautions I lost track of time

and I was waiting for you and you never came down for us I was on it for about an hour killing zombies oh you don't look great yeah i feel fucking terrible like i swear to god i feel terrible what you watch you do you want to stop or do you want no no no i'm riding it i'm riding it out but i feel what are you gonna be so you got a sick bucket no no i'm fine i'm fine. I'm fine. Do not be sick on me. I've done my makeup. Wow. I've done gigs feeling worse, but yeah. You are a moron. Yeah.

Why have you... Do you know what it is? I hate stuff like this. I was in the fucking... I was in the kitchen, pouring myself a drink of water, shaking, and I looked at myself in the little mirror that we've got on the splashback, and I was like,

you are such an excessive person, Chris. You really are. It's all or nothing. It's like, I don't know why I do it. I do not know why I do it. Full lasagna, wolf,

then straight on the... Oh, sorry, right. I just, I kind of zoned out a little bit. You had it straight after you'd just eaten. Oh, full lasagna, straight on the VR. Idiot.

Absolute idiot. Shine a light. Honestly, I'm off my nose. I hate that you've introduced that VR to Robin's life. Yeah, he only has tiny little turns on it.

But he wants to go on it as soon as he wakes up. Of course he does, yeah. He's just like you. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, sorry. Do you know, yesterday he just kept going, VR, VR, VR, VR. Yeah, he just says it.

He looks at us and just says it. VR, VR. I was like, smack, smack, smack. Oh, no. Never smack my kids. Get the Dyson out. Smack the Dyson. Only the backlash of the Dyson out smack the Dyson only it's one for the regular

only the backlash of the Dyson but no I tell you man I keep saying to Robin I keep telling him about when I was younger yeah

well I used to get chased around the garden with a slipper man I don't know if I ever got hit no of course you didn't no well there's only one of you how do you get that frustrated

with one kid it's quite no disrespect probably little bit easier than having two or three I might have got a smack on the bum now and then I might have got a smack on the bum it just feels so weird that frustrated with one kid it's quite no disrespect probably a little bit easier than having two or three i might have got smacked on the bum now and then i might have got smacked on the bum it just feels so weird in this day and age yeah the idea of going oh i will physically

i will hurt my kid this is this is great words don't work i'm gonna hit you oh great fucking hell it's not good is it but i'm really bad yeah it's pretty bad and i think it happened to everybody I know. I don't think there was one person I knew growing up who didn't get smacked. Yeah. And it wasn't, no, it wasn't like a big bad, it wasn't like a terrible smack. It was just kind of like,

it was when we're older as well. I hit my mum once. Did I tell you that? What? I must have told you this. This has all gone a bit. At the top of the stairs. Right.

I think I called her a cow. I must have been about 14 or 15 right the balls on 14 year old you i think i called her a cow and she hit me so i hit her back in the face like oh like something obviously then i was like oh man bitch oh oh chris it got very it got really aggressive in our house me and kate we threw a hair dryer of k Kate once. Yeah, yeah, we've discussed the hairdryer. I swung it round and,

we used to just sit, opposite each other in the living room, and when me mum and dad weren't looking, we'd just chuck the remote at each other. What? Just like full pelt. Just, there was no,

Robin did it, Ray for the day, Robin for the first time ever, got really angry at Ray. Yeah. And kind of like, pushed him onto the sofa. And I was like, don't do that you brother, but at pushed him onto the sofa and I was like

don't do that you brother but at the back of my head I was like yeah I've done worse than that yeah when he like when Rafe crawls all over Robin and hits him and stuff

and then when Robin does that to him I feel like I'm always intervening and you're like it's siblings it's what they do and I'm like well I've never experienced that

I'd like not be I'd like my house to not turn into a fucking fight club every 20 minutes no I know I know don't get me I don't condone it at all,

but it does happen. Sounds like you do. I mean, it sounds like what you're putting out there is hit your kids, hit your sister, hit your mum, call your mum a cow at the top of the stairs. Top of the stairs, by the way. Great place to have a fight.

On the little landing. Dead clever, that. I know. Could have chucked us down the stairs. Stupid. Periods. We used to leave upturned Lego outside of Kate's room. Yeah.

I told you that. No. What, like home alone? Yeah. We used to put upturned Lego outside of Kate's room. Yeah. Did I tell you that? No. What, like home alone? Yeah, yeah. We used to put a PE bag over the top and we'd wait for it to come out and we'd pull it off and she'd walk out. Mum!

Did that ever work? Did you think you were being really clever pulling the PE bag out the way? Yeah, it was meant. So she went to stand on it. She didn't stop and go, why is there a PE bag out there? No, she stood on it.

We pulled the PE bag away and she pulled it outside. I think you're misremembering this. No, it sounds very clunky. I think you're misremembering this nah it sounds very clunky I think you're misremembering this I'm pretty sure she's having a

oh god no please god oh jesus oh well hung up on you well well fuck you fuck you you bitch

hope the lego hope it hurt oh yeah that's why that's why she still holds a grudge can you believe she still holds a grudge Oh, well. Hung up on you. Well, fuck you. Fuck you, you bitch. Hope the Lego, hope it hurt. Oh, yeah, that's why, that's why. She still holds a grudge. Can you believe she still holds a grudge about the Lego? She wouldn't answer her phone to you. So petty. Believe me, it was such a good, such a good prank. So petty.

Wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Do you know I've bought three things during this whole podcast? You're online shopping while we're podcasting? Maybe a little bit. Oh, brilliant. So if they say it's shit, then we know why, because you're fucking buying stuff online. I've got motion sickness and fucking...

No, I'm just... I'm traumatised by the Walking Dead game. And you're buying... What are you buying, you unprofessional piece of shit? I'm buying a bandeau jumpsuit. A bandeau jumpsuit? What's a bandeau jumpsuit? It's like tight around the breast.

Right. And then jumpsuit-y on the bottom. But it's one of them where you go do I get a medium or do I get a large oh my god I'm so bored this is awful stop

is it quite stretchy am I medium or am I large probably large I don't know then I'm quite short every man in there every single man in the world listening there

notice when my wife asked me if she was medium or large notice I kept my fucking mouth shut yeah that was clever that's a lesson to all of you don't answer.

I didn't make eye contact. I was nearly sick. The stress of that question, I nearly vomited all over the place. And I'm halfway there anyway. Listen, I'm going to go for a large one. Oh, no one cares. Can we just do the podcast?

Right, sorry. Fucking hell. Sorry. Would you like, have you got anything to say to me? Sorry. Have you got anything to say to me today?. Have you got anything to say to me today? Today.

On the podcast? What day is it? Tuesday. Happy Tuesday? Happy Tuesday. Yeah. Is there any sort of special date or anything like that? I've got it, I've got it.

You look like you're medium. Is that it? Day. Yes, I'll do that obviously happy birthday it's rosie's birthday today 15 minutes in and he remembers happy birthday happy birthday might be 15 minutes because there was a load of bollocks that might get cut out this might be a couple of minutes in happy birthday thank you it's time that we let everyone in on the little secret um obviously the big big 4-0 today.

No, don't you, Dave. I'm not 40. No, because we've said for years that you were the same age as me, but we know you got held back in school four years. Didn't even help, did it? You were still bottom. So the big 4-0. Thank you.

Congratulations. Thank you. I'm not. I'm 36. Big 4-0. I held back four years. Genuinely? Held back four years genuinely held back four years

in infants oh wow erm yeah I was very short I knew I wouldn't cope I actually don't I don't really like

birthdays anyway you're not fine are you no you have forced me to go out tonight yes a quote from this week from Rosie after me and Rosie's

friend Steph said let's go out on Tuesday night just for a meal to celebrate your birthday Rosie's exact words ladies and gentlemen's go out on Tuesday night just for a meal to celebrate your birthday. Rosie's exact words, ladies and gentlemen, I shit you not,

were, will everyone stop trying to force me to go out for my birthday? Yeah. Woe is fucking you. Imagine that. I'm just so popular.

Everyone just wants us to go out. Can I just live my life? No, it's not even that. I just, birthdays. Unless you're having a party. Because I love a party. I love a birthday party. You're all or nothing with birthdays, aren't not even that. I just... Birthdays. Unless you're having a party. Because I love a party. I love a birthday party.

You're all or nothing with birthdays, aren't you? Yeah. Either I have a massive big do or I'm just going to have a normal night. Thank you very much. Glass of wine. Well, you never know. You might walk into the restaurant tonight

and it might be a big surprise because it is your 40th. It might be a massive big surprise. If you have done a surprise party, I don't think you have. Right. You haven't. You're not that organised.

Oh, God, no. Right. Oh, God, no. I'll tell you a category now. It is not a surprise party. I don't think you have. Right. You haven't. You're not that organised. Oh, God, no. Right. Oh, God, no. I'll tell you a category now that is not a surprise party. Okay, because I've shown you my outfit and it's very casual. But that's the joke.

That's the point. I've told you this before. No, I'd be fuming. I've told you this before. If I ever take you to a surprise party, everyone would be done up and I would have said something like, Rosie, will you come and help me mate?

Strip some wallpaper. Great. And we'll walk in and you'll be like looking like a piece of shit in your wallpaper stripping clothes and everyone will go and I'll go and I'll rip my stripping clothes off and I'll have tuxedo

and you'll have to walk around looking like a bag of shit and that'll be the surprise it'll be great I'll flick emulsion, I'll get a big pot of emulsion and I'll be flicking white paint on you if we ever do that though make sure I'm just dressed up

you like just dress really nice nope you're such a bend sorry babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for

Rosie's Jotter Rosie's Jotter Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot that was the one that was it Rosie's Jotter Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot Jot

now we I went through their stuff in the loft the other day we're having a little clear out we've got a skip I love a skip I've had a semi since it's been on the drive Jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot, jot of books in here guys there's a pile of books and i just found year six rules winter i sat and i opened it and i uh i began to learn i began to learn what subject is it um jotter it's all right so oh so that was this was this just free for all honestly i can't work out because i was there and i don't even remember it jumps from it jumps from maths uh all i can see here i've it basically jumped it jumps from subject to subject there's all kinds going on it starts off with the jot out

well it starts off right it starts off the first you open the jot out and you are immediately hit with knowledge right okay good we use water

over and over again and we are drinking the same water as the dinosaurs drank but that's that's interesting I don't know it's made me think I'll be honest with you

the sun heats the cold i didn't even believe in dinosaurs at this day yeah you didn't yeah the sun heats the cold air cold air is crossed out and water rises and all of that's crossed out it's crazy it's like a mad person it's like when they find someone's like a serial killer's jotter and they've like got photos and they scratch the eyes out of people in that um and then it goes on down to the bottom, it says the lakes, seas and rivers and the water rises and vapor which is called evaporation and rises

to the clouds and comes down as rain and repeats the process all over again. Yeah, I used to get wrong for using and a lot. Yeah, I can see. Africa, Asia and South America use the same water for drinking, washing and go to wee or poo poo spelt uh like the bay p-double-a yes right yes yeah and then to wee or poos crossed out and

then you've just wrote use it for a toilet so you've corrected yourself from your potty language there um so is that true i don't know untreated sewage often goes straight to the rivers where it evaporates some pollution is left behind very general that's some pollution some there's some pollution thank you for that in-depth analysis we move on to a water poem. I loved a poem. I absolutely loved a poem. This is only page two of the Jotter, guys. Oh, hey.

Water poem. Are you ready for this? I don't know. Year six, Rosie Jotter, water poem. Right, year six. How old am I? Ten. Ten.

I was ten. Something like that, yeah. Really neat handwriting, I have to say. Thank you. Better than mine now. Amazing. All right. Yeah, good.

Water poem. Silence, please. Silence. Water is blue please water is blue water is blue water is woohoo thank you is that it

water is blue water is blue hey I don't know what the fuck is going on and you've got even more about water oh hey loads of you

are absolutely banging on about water and then we're just gonna all I want to do turns into maths all sorts of maths oh don't bother with that awful

yeah just an absolute fucking mess or the bat one that's really interesting so you go from maths again right but then we get to

this page here which is titled Spice and Co Spice Girls right I remember right hold on

this seems to be some kind of cast list there's a backstory to this right who was that I can't remember this I'll tell you exactly who else was in it

right so this was in year six we did a fashion show and we were the Spice Girls it was me Spice and Co so we must have changed the name I think that's quite clever yeah so otherwise the Spice Girls it was me Spice and Co so we must have changed the name

I think that's quite clever so otherwise the Spice Girls people would have been on to you this is copyright it was me it was Ashley Little Ashley Little was

Jerry right you've got Ashley equals Jerry hyphen ginger spice okay it was Azeen Azeen equals Mel C

hyphen sporty spice nice was it Natalie Nat equals Mel B hyphen scary spice okay what about who else was in it was it Catherine Lou Lou Louise Mel C-Sporty Spice. Nice. Was it Natalie? Nat equals Mel B-Scary Spice. Okay. What about... Who else was in it?

Was it Catherine? Lou Lou. Louise. Lou Lou equals Emma-Baby Spice. Was Catherine not in it? No. She must have. It's too good.

Oh, she was Irish dancing. Who was that then? Who was that? I wasn't really listening. Who was that? Rosie equals Victoria-Posh Spice. Posh Spice? I would not have put you down as Posh Spice.

I'm already finding this unbelievable I don't think I follow the narrative of this I was probably not happy with that wanna be dance we are Spice Girls

and we will be selling crossed out selling crossed out singing crossed out selling

spicy clothes just to you so free your mind and spend your money because we are funny take it or leave it that's clever that's good is that not good

honestly I'm going to fold the page over so that I don't miss any more of that the ramblings of a mad woman frightening very good I think you'll find that's actually quite creative like Jotter

you know it's where the dreams began very good as if I was posh I can't believe you were posh Spice that doesn't make any sense whatsoever I'd have been fuming about that yeah

I'd have been fuming who was baby in your Jotter as well who was baby I think Lulu was baby by the looks of things Louise she was blonde

she was pure blonde you were a bit blonde I was mousy brown by then right how can the smallest person on earth be be posh spice I don't understand

I was quite slim right okay really more from Rosie's jotters and ridiculously shit school books next week oh no

you'll drop it like a hot potato that's really fun it's time for what's your beef don't want to do it it's my birthday well you're going to

have to I had to do it on my birthday what birthday beef I don't remember that I think we recorded on my birthday and I think you had

a right go at us so yeah although it's your birthday I'll let you go first right okay my beef with you this week is you keep buying

Robin Hubba Bubba you started that right one time I bought him Hubba Bubba right and I was like right okay it's out of his system

and he's had it you keep buying him it all the time I swear to god he asks for it it's 7 o'clock in the morning like can I have the rest of my Hubba Bubba

and all I do is spend my day putting him off going on the VR and eating Hubba Bastard Bubba. Hubba Bastard Bubba is the official name for Hubba Bubba. You kicked off the other day. You were like, Robin, you're not getting your Hubba Bubba.

Stop it, blah, blah, blah. And then you were like, he keeps, I was like, you keep buying it. You keep replenishing his stock. You're making him have a habit. What's the word? Chewing habit. No, you're feeding his have a habit what's the word you know you're

feeding his habit or something when people say what is it called i don't know i can't anyway i can't make your arguments for you you stop giving yourself here you you started it i would never give a child chewing gum then one day he came in with a bubba and i was like fucking hell is he having a bubba he's only six and he wanted it and then now you can't just go we've decided you can't have that anymore yes I can no mammy made a mistake and mammy has to live

with a mistake no I can absolutely go shut him up as well you're not having that anymore shut him up though because he can't speak when he's got so much in

well you can't speak but all you can hear the whole fucking house is oh it's minging noisy makes well because he's not allowed to leave the room when he has it

he's not allowed to leave the room yeah that's the room he's got to literally sit I'm starting to think you shouldn't have given it in the first place love fucking hell

now my beef with you is so I wrote this down further up in my notes and I'd forgot about it until I saw it today and I remembered so when we were in Edinburgh we had a lovely time

we didn't fight once we had a lovely time we had a lovely lovely time but at one point I had to had a lovely time. We had a lovely, lovely time. But at one point, I had to bite my tongue because I didn't want to argue with you and I had to just write this down on my phone. We had a lovely little morning.

We stayed in the hotel. We had breakfast and then we went for a lovely little walk in the sunshine. Went to a few little shops, didn't we? We ended up in a... We got a little posh bit there.

Went in the posh... What was it? The Harvey Nichols? Yeah, yeah. Went up onto... There was a balcony. We got the last table on the balcony in the sunshine.

Had our lunch there. A very rare Edinburgh festival moment of sunshine for me in my tenure of going to Edinburgh. Got a lovely load of little nibbles. We sat there, right? I had my little beer, you had your little wine. We were having a lovely little time. You got a mouthful of the food, the shared food,

that's what we were having. You then sneezed. You'd forgot about this, hadn't you? You'd forgot about this. a mouthful of the food, the shared food, that's what we're having. You then sneezed. You'd forgot about this, hadn't you? You'd forgot about this. You thought I'd forgot. I wrote it straight down. You sneezed with a mouthful of food.

Guys, I swear to God, the balcony had like a wall and then above the wall it had like a foot and a half high glass sort of, glass partition thing. Rosie just, your bits of the food when all of the food were eaten it hit your wine glass it hit the side of my glass it hit the shopping bag you had on the chair it went on the wall the menu and it went

up the side of the glass yeah and i went fucking their love and you went oh what's the matter with you because you were clear you knew you were in the wrong but you were like shut up man you like went on the defensive straight away it was like something out of a fucking Ben Stiller film I didn't do it deliberately you can't you can't keep your mouth closed when you've got when you sneeze though

it came so quick I build up I know you hate how I build up a sneeze but just warning you were like ah yeah honestly it came from nowhere

I was picking bits of your sneezed food off the food that I was eating but listen what can you do in that situation face away

hand over if I'd have kept him I'd have choked right well would have probably been worth it if i didn't have to pick your grammy food off my food it was disgusting horrible i had a chicken shawarma with your fucking huckle in it you still ate it though man starving i was a bit annoyed that we shared that actually yeah i didn't really want to share but you were like let's just share yeah you know but you did like, let's just share.

Yeah, right. No, but you did, you have a massive breakfast. I don't have that big a breakfast. I think I only had croissants. You had a massive breakfast, so then at lunch you're like, let's just share.

And I'm like, I'm actually starving. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Yeah, you seem starving because you were spitting most of it back out, weren't you? We're always off with, we're eating schedules sometimes.

I always get told off. We're not very in sync. I wonder if anyone else has that in their marriage where like, sometimes I'll come in and you go right i'm gonna make tea in a bit and i'll go i've just had a sandwich or whatever and i'll get like bollocked i get bollocked for eating no because no it's like why did you do that why did you have a big lunch when you knew it's like oh because i was fucking hungry god almighty yeah but you you are the kind of dickhead right That So most people

I know this is going somewhere great Because it started with You're the kind of dickhead Yeah most people can make A tea Or like dinner right For a family And then if somebody's late

Or if they're not that hungry They'll just eat it later on Heat it up Yeah You don't like things heated up No You've got Oh god

It's got to be fresh out the pan Fresh out the pan So what the hell am I meant to do What do you mean I don't know why I care I'm just going to make it And meant to do? What do you mean? I don't know why I care. I'm just going to make it and then if you don't eat it right then, I don't know why I care so much.

Why do I... I don't care. I don't fucking care about what you eat. I'm sick of making all your dinner. We've talked about this before. Oh, I'm having a breakdown. Ah, I was going to say,

yeah, that was like, that was a full conversation with yourself. You're not saying me for just... I was going to say, that was almost like you were going to stand up and take the headphones off

and just leave forever. right man morning joking calm down it's comedy podcast okay all right you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

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your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for oh that is so disgusting yes x x x x x love the x just love them take it away i've got loads get in people seem to be enjoying the x and people just seem to be sending me them all. This one is quite specific. That's what I'm liking actually. So the icks are kind of turning into a bit more specific to the people. Yeah, so some of them can be like a general thing that you see someone do. Again, my favourite one still has to be

a guy trying to pick up a ping pong ball. Yeah, that is quite good. So a general thing like that. So there must have been a holiday at Centre Park or something. I've seen it happen and thought, isn't that unattractive but then it turns into

basically women mainly women whinging about specific things their husband does there is a guy here about his girlfriend brave man brave man

let's bring him on right do you want to hear that one first the guy one slot him in wherever she said slag right

hello Rosie and Chris I have an ick for you here which potentially might be a bit specific but I hope you can understand where I'm coming from okay I once had

a brief relationship with my local ice cream man I don't know why that's funny I don't know why it's funny it sounds like I don't know it sounds like funny I don't know why it's funny it sounds like I don't know

it sounds like it's going to be a sketch it sounds like a Carolina Hearn sketch it sounds like it's going to be a comedy thing well it's in practice

it is don't judge me he was younger than he sounds oh god I just got so turned on when I heard the jingles the bells

what's it called the chimes put the chimes on I thought oh change me knickers put me good knickers on. He's coming around. Oh, God. Bringing his special sauce.

Mungy. Whilst the dalliance was lovely while it lasted, it had to end when I encountered this specific ick. When the ice cream man pulls up to your road playing his music and no one comes out to buy one. That's ridiculous so i'm just going out with the ice cream i just shagging the ice cream i just thinks he's amazed he's like oh yeah i get as many 99s as i want what do you want like i can get you them so what do you want like you want to you want a zap lolly i saw your zap lolly he gives as many as he want because i suck them off and then

one day he pulls up and no one comes out and just like this isn't the rock and roll lifestyle I thought it would be yeah it is it is as well to make it worse such an arsehole

to make it worse he would often sit there for five plus minutes playing his music to try to entice customers customers mostly to no avail

I couldn't get past this, sadly, as the ick got the better of me. What a baby. Fucking guy. The poor man's losing his livelihood. She's turned off. The guy's business is failing and she's drying up.

Customers are drying up. So's me vagina, Terry. I wonder what she'd be like if he got her position at the park on a busy day and it was dead busy she'd probably be like oh my

look at this she'd be seeing her house do you know what she is she's a fame whore do you know what she is she's a bloody gold digger she's a money grabber hey

Terry Terry's chock icers or whatever it was called Terry you're better off without her mate you're better off without her oh yeah you're better off without her

oh god look at him look at him outside look at oh no one's coming oh it's so embarrassing look at look at Sharon

look look out the window there's no one coming look at him look at him what a loser it's a bit sad oh god

doesn't even sell tabs oh the ice cream man who sold cigarettes is the lowest of the low like they still probably do nah they don't not the ones we go to

nah they don't that's terrible do you not think back in the day I doubt the ice cream man still sells cigarettes I think I genuinely think

the one Rami Nana used to sell LSD I'm not even joking I'm not Chris I'm not even joking you know where my Nana backs on

yeah yeah yeah wow oh yeah I wouldn't be surprised LSD now that's that's where Terry was going wrong

get your tabs in get your LSD in the queue will be round the block oh yeah ice creams are boring mate drugs and cigarettes still can't get over

the house that we used to go to to get cigarettes from when I was like 14 just some random's house and I got 20 Lambat & Butler. Like just... 50 pence a tab.

Mmm. No, 20 pence a tab, wasn't it? It was 20 pence a tab back in the day. It was 20 pence when we were younger. Just so... Imagine like... Imagine if that was your life. Selling...

Just kids turning up at your door and you sell them cigarettes. Selling cigarettes you made to broad from duty free to children who knock on your door. Crazy. What a life. What a life. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. your door. Crazy. What a life. What a life.

Got another one here. Go on then. I found out that my girlfriend uses Yahoo as a search engine. Fucking mint. Yeah, yeah. Instead of Google? Yeah, Yahoo. That's crazy.

Just throwing them a bit of business i can't comment on that too much because i've got a yahoo email account and i won't leave it i love it it's really embarrassing when i have to tell people my email address for work it's really embarrassing why i see you in and people are like oh where's she from the past i don't know do you know what's happened with the google ones the gmails and that i've started too many and i can't remember the passwords brilliant yeah so now it's like oh do you want to sign in well this hang on hang on on this computer you've used this yeah so that's the only one you can use but no i can't don't remember the password of that but is it this no it's i don't know what it is we'll send it that email but i can't get it

you are so unorganized in every facet of your life including the it's real the main thing you're amazingly organized with is like getting the kids ready and sorting stuff out with the kids. Important stuff. Yeah, perfect. But everything else, fucking absolute free for all.

Nightmare. Nightmare. Ick. Yeah, someone's just put in massive words, ick. My new slash maybe ex-partner just told me

he drinks the UHT milk cartons at the drinks area in Morrison's whilst waiting for his breakfast because they are free. The little... Do you know the free milks you get?

The little tiny milks. The little tiny little cartons of milk. He stands and drinks them. While he's waiting for his breakfast. Aren't people so weird? Like shots. Like lighting shots. Like just...

Come on lads. Shots. Shots. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. That's fucking amazing. So weird. Because they're free. people so weird like shots like lighting shots come on lads shots shots whack whack whack whack that's fucking amazing so weird because they're free

do they still do the free meeting that in Morrisons free meet do you remember when you used to go around like or any other supermarket and there'd be like a tray of free stuff

on the top I went to Big As the other day and they had a cut up sausage roll on the top it was buzzing oh wow or was that a while ago

because of Covid they might not do it anymore no I know Costco do it i don't know if they used to do it i haven't been costco since that but i was in a supermarket yesterday and the bakery section was like covid never happened it was all open and fine and i distinctly remember because there was loads of little iced cupcakes you know them iced cupcakes that we like there was a big tray of them iced cupcakes uh and a girl about six years old was having a conversation with

her mum while leaning on them with her full hand and she left basically a handprint

across six cupcakes and I remember thinking yep I'll not be getting one of them

and you know what I went just to that section to try and buy one of them but she basically planked

so now you've got to remember that for every time though because that could happen all the time yeah yeah never really put me off because i used to love the um you know the salad bar morrison's yeah oh get me one of them any day well you think you're being healthy when you'd be like i'm dead healthy i'm getting a salad from morrison mostly pasta yeah um mostly pasta and new potatoes with a really fatty dressing. Pasta, new potatoes and a pint of salad cream. And get like the fried onions

and the croutons. I'm just feeling really healthy today. Just got this salad. And some red onions so I know that I've ate it all day. Some red onions so that I burp at midnight in bed and I know I've had that salad.

There's no salad in it at all. But yeah, the test does. The test does. Costco do them great and uh yeah i remember go around costco and have a full a full lunch years ago when i think about testa testas years ago me my mom went to remember safeway loved safeway my mom used to be prestos it was prestos to safeway to tesco i think, I think. Maybe, I don't know. Possibly. I don't know. It might not have. Anyway, it was Safeway.

And my mum's friend, Michelle, worked in Safeway. And we went in once to the one in proper Shields. This is a proper Shields reference, yeah. Denmark Centre. Denmark Centre, yeah. It's now a bingo. Yeah. Went in there.

I love South Shields so much. My mum's mate was there. She was doing can you remember Safeway Select Cola no so it was Safeway Select Cola okay

so much cheaper than Coca-Cola but Roller Cola yeah but no how dare you it was Safeway Select Cola no but didn't you just call Cheap-A-Cola Roller Cola

if you were a piece of shit and you'd never had Safeway Select Cola which was fucking amazing we didn't get Pop Chris it was Safeway Select Cola right alright Jesus Safeway Select Cola and she was there

and she had the there was a caffeine free one and there was a diet one and there was a and she literally had the little and she was like buzzing she was selling it so well she was like honestly

it's like better than normal coke it's better and like I had a little drink and my mum had a drink and we're like that's amazing I'm not joking right on the spot

we literally panic bought like six two litre bottles of Safeway Select Cola because we're like it's amazing we went home we like six two litre bottles of Safeway Select Cola. Because we're like, it's amazing. We went home, we ran home. We're like, Dad, taste this. It's better than Coke.

My dad was like, oh yeah, it is. And we were just like, we were like buzzing about it. We were like, we almost worked for the Safeway Select Cola PR team for like four days. That's ridiculous. We've never heard that story. So in the same Denmark centre, there was a fruit shop that sold Pringles and every single time i went to the fruit shop with my mom um i would a eat grapes on the way around right and i would always ask for pringles i'm all sick i get pringles and she would say no they're too expensive and then i had a deal on once and it was two for one on the pringles

right and she gave in and she let us get a blue tube salt vinegar and a brown tube barbecue went home opened them she saw how many pringles were in a tube because she was like you'll not get hardly any in there and just saw that they were stacked up because she'd never seen a tube of pringles before we had a couple she was like they're amazing went back down that afternoon and got like like four or fucking six tubes again like panic bought them because they were on sale we loved a bit of that in our house. Did you not have a Costco card then

when you were, when we didn't? No, no, no, no. I only, I partially had my Costco card back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me mate had a mackerel.

Never been to mackerel. We've got Costco cards. We've got Costco cards, yeah. I might have ran out. I will never forget the first time I went to mackerel with me mate and he got a bucket

of Haribo cola bottles and I couldn't contain myself. Unbelievable, innit? Strawberry, like a tin, a tin a tub sorry strawberry bonbons what used to get from the shops crazy unbelievable crazy honestly i i think the way my mom went on the select cola and the way she went on the pringles i think if we had a macro card when i was when i was a kid i think i'd be dead now do you think yeah yeah same death by confectionery and uh and. And like, what the pretzels in that. Oh, God.

Just American goodness. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, shagmarinoid at gmail.com. Do it. Don't wait. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What? I was just going to say do it. Don't wait. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

What? I was just going to say do it. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. I've started. Send it. And then you keep going. Hi Chris and Rosie.

Just been listening to episode 182 about James washing his leg in a public toilet and it reminded me of a story from my student days. Yes. So glad. Honestly. We were on a night out at a big nightclub in London. Ooh.

I wonder which one. I never know. Fucking millions of them. I know, but you know when people are like going to go on a night out in London, I'm like, where do you go? Awful, yeah. I've got no idea.

It's got to be a part of London. Yeah, it's not London, is it? There's no sadder attempted night out than people who aren't from London going to like northerners going, let's go for a night out in London. You go, where are you going? They go, just like the middle. You go, right, okay. Well, we're going to stand in Leners going let's go for a night out in London you go where you going they go just like

the middle you go right okay well we're going to stand in Leicester Square go to the fucking cinema have a plan no I know my mates have done it

I've done it before yeah my mates have done it loads it was horrific London's amazing but you've got to know where you're going yeah

same as New York yes yeah New York driver to the centre please which one the centre oh god did that in dubai once that was oh yeah come go to the old town there is no old town i did i said to the driver i said can i go

to the center and he just went what i went like the middle of dubai and he went no there's no middle oh what do you mean where's's everything happening? He was like, loads of different places. Just mainly hotels. Yeah. Hotels and malls. So anyway, they're on a big night, on a night out in a big nightclub in London,

standing in the smoking area as a group. Oh. When one of my friends turned to me and was sick all down my bare legs. Must have been on the VR.

She might have been on VR. No, there's a smoking area. VR wasn't out if there's a smoking area. Oh, pissed. But go on then horrified I asked if she'd had

spaghetti bolognese for dinner and rushed to the toilet to sort myself out there must have been some spaghetti but sorry sorry

so before rushing to the toilet mortified she literally asks what she's had for her tea first you had bolognese babe

I love that is this bolognese bye won't the toilet wash it off I just need to tea first you had bolognese babe i love that is this bolognese bye won't the toilet wash it off i just need to check it was definitely bolognese uh right so she got in the toilet to sort herself out however this club had unisex toilets with a giant fountain sink in the middle think morning myrtle and harry potter yeah that's what it was like very good very good reference there was one of them in a nightclub in Blackpool called Flamingos. It used to be a big unisex place with one of them. I loved it. So I essentially had to get in the sink to wash her vomit off my legs.

Did you, though? Did you have to get in the sink, I suppose? One leg in the sink, but if it's really high... I mean, I don't blame her. Who wants vomit on their legs? Not me. Minging. Minging.

Just before I could worry that I might look like a weirdo, my friend burst into the loo needing to be sick again. Oh, God. Upon seeing that all the stalls were taken, she was sick and the only thing she could think of... Oh, my gosh. That's a fucking menace. Do you want to guess what you're sick in there?

The sink, I imagine. Okay, is that what you're going with? Oh, it's not that. It might be. I imagine it was the sink that she's in. She just throws up in. Okay, is that what you're going with? Oh, it's not that. It might be. I imagine it was the sink that she's in. She just throws up in. Okay, is that what you're going with? Yeah.

My friend was sick into the only thing she could think of. The Dyson hand dryer. Off the air blade. Oh, no. The issue was, this was... We all know what the issue was. The weight of her vomit set the hand dryer off and it proceeded to shoot out the sides all over a man standing next to it.

All in all, an awful night. That's the night. You want spaghetti bolognese, love? Oh, bless her though that's horrific oh no bless her awful babadoo babadoo babadoo

dear Rosie, Chris, Robin and Rafe you don't listen but thank you hope you're all well and enjoying the sunshine it's a big cloudy day but

it has been nice though this dare I say has been the best summer we've ever had yeah sponsored by Global Warming carry on so Rosie we'll keep getting better This, dare I say, has been the best summer we've ever had. Yeah. Sponsored by Global Warming.

Carry on. So, Rosie, we'll keep getting better. Until we can't stand them. Okay. Oh, don't. Because I don't understand fully, but I kind of know it's bad. But anyway. Long-time listener, first-time emailer.

Please keep me anonymous as I am a teacher. Okay. Always good from teachers. Always bear that in mind during this whole email strapping strapping teaching your kids good I've been meaning to write in but never quite got round

to putting fingers to keyboard until listening to a recent episode with the girl in her cummy pyjamas love this podcast yes fingers to keyboard irritating phrase

don't say that again but carry on why I finally got round to putting fingers to keyboard I don't mind it I don't like it at all makes us feel ill and i already felt ill how do you feel now still a bit sick good really really right really hanging on this i might have to go for a little walk okay good this sparked a memory from my time at university and my first boyfriend standards were a bit lower then and as a tool for tidying up after drunken sex, my boyfriend used a pillow off his bed.

This pillow, nor the pillowcase, ever got washed, and was used throughout the two years we were together during university. I think I blocked out the worst of it, but all his housemates knew about the pillow and occasionally commented on it, and yet that didn't seem to inspire either of us to wash said pillow. Oh, you dirty bastards. I have no idea what happened to it when he finished university and moved out of the house. We are no longer together, and I never really asked him about it. It's possible that on a scale of disgusting, this didn't rate too bad, as the whole house

was pretty gross. He once told me that they called the landlord about smelling gas and were worried about a gas leak, only to realise that it was a fish that someone had left in the living room behind the couch, I think, that had gone off. Oh, my God. Why is there a fish in the living room? I don't know.

Oh, God, stop. Honestly, I sometimes feel like students, when someone becomes a student, I feel like they deliberately start pretending they're skint. I know they are skint, but I don't know. I feel like they deliberately put on the I'm a scruffy student persona. I feel like they adopt it and they go, well, I'm a scruffy student, so my house needs to be a piece of shit now.

Do you think? I feel like they deliberately put it on. I went to so many student halls and student houses when i was younger because i stayed at home because i'm a winner and uh it was yeah but it was always just oh well yeah i'm student on that it was like me mate's fucking the bin in my mate's kitchen in edinburgh when he was at edinburgh uni it was just this massive bin liner in the corner just a bin liner and it was just like fucking buckaroo and you would just pile stuff on it and on it and on it

and then if the thing you put on made the whole bin collapse over you had to take it out yeah but was it just lads what was

I never my mate Steph went to uni but she stayed in a house with girls and boys and her room was lush yeah the kitchen was a bit rank

I'm not gonna lie the communal area looking back it was mint at the time but really fucking sad yeah just really horrible knee curtains big light on leather sofas just like dead little leather there was like eight of them lived there but there was like a two-seater sofa and a chair yeah a bit grim but at the time i mean at the time it was mint because i didn't go to uni but i kind of lived vicariously through everyone else who went to uni I did that with various friends

yeah my my boyfriend at the time went to Leeds uni I told you I had a fake card didn't I to get into the to get into the clubs

the student union you are honestly like I'm a student ask us anything you want about sociology that's what I'm studying I'm a student

he has me jotter do you want to know about water do you want to know what water does because like did you know look don't look at the ID too long because it's fake but did you know

that we are drinking the same water as the dinosaurs listen listen Mr Bouncer don't look at me back because I actually got a full time job

and I was fucking minted don't think you realise I work at the gadget shop yeah yeah Mr Bouncer I don't know yeah

he has a teaspoon he has 10 grand at the gadget shop. Yeah, Mr. Bouncer. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. He has a teaspoon. He has 10 grand a gadget shop, buddy. Go and have a shit. Hello. Question for Chris. Yeah. Do you notice out the corner of your eye when standing in urinal

the different techniques blokes have for shaking the willies dry? It's a very specific question. No, but I'm quite thorough and I always think, do people think that I'm trying to have a little sneaky wank? I'll have a good shake mate to get it all off because there's nothing worse than hoeing your chap back in your pants and getting a little wet patch

on your hands. Oh yeah, when a bloke sometimes comes to bed and they'll be in the toilet and there's just little wet patches of piss on the boxers and you're like oh god. You're saying a bloke but you mean me don't you? I mean a lot of blokes who have shagged i don't know why that was so funny it was just because it was like you're you're it sounded like you're trying to say it really delicately and then you just shouted shagged at the microphone oh brilliant absolutely brilliant

great work um yeah no i i know what you mean so i notice i notice sometimes when people don't you know when sometimes people don't have a really really good thorough shake but you notice when sometimes when someone shakes too much and you notice when someone does it in a kind of way where you think steady on fella that could be hitting me there well this is what it says here i'm pretty sure my technique is fairly reserved but the other day i swear there was a bloke trying to rip his own dick off and even though i was staring straight forward it was in my peripheral like vision and made me pretty uncomfortable well that's the thing so some blokes literally they'll like hold the base of the knob and you just think mate you are shaking like piss all over your thighs and stomach there like your t-shirt and everything i mean they're going

you know a little sort of reserved kind of almost like a end of a toothpaste tube just a little blip blip and then you're done why does this make us feel ill well because you're sexist because you're sexist so what a man can't talk about how he's... No, actually he can't, yeah. It's disgusting. I know I want to see that. Well, I mean, I have sometimes, if there's not any toilet roll,

you do have to just kind of shake your vagina a little bit to just... It's the worst thing in the world when there's no toilet. When you can't wipe down anything, you've just got to have wet kegs for the rest of the day. Just wet kegs. Wet kegs. I know, it's awful, isn't it?

I've started taking tissue paper out In my bag Yeah Yeah Took us Took us 36 years Well done you 40

Well done you Stop I'm not 40 Happy 40th Oh see Rosie If you would like a question too I would actually Because it's my birthday

I feel a little bit left out What's your favourite crisps Used to be prawn cocktail oh you're answering this this is yeah okay this is tragic

go on then it used to be prawn cocktail slash barbecue slash salt and vinegar waters but have you had Co-op's own

brand salt and vinegar and Chardonnay like salt and Chardonnay vinegar crisps I think yeah oh my god

yeah they're incredible oh my god yeah big shout out yeah alright man Chardonnay, like salt and Chardonnay vinegar crisps, I think. Oh my God. Yeah, they're incredible. Oh my God. Yeah, big shout out to that. Like, yeah. All right, man. Oh, they're so good. So good. Wet kegs indeed.

I still like hula hoops. Beefy hula hoops as well. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hey, Chris and Rosie. I was listening to episode 180. Hey. Where a listener found knickers in a kettle. Yes.

Which made me want to email in about my recent hotel stay in Brighton I was heading down for Brighton Pride Me and my friend went to check in Which took a while but finally we got to our room On the way we began to slate the hotel But laughing about it as it was very cheap Right On arrival to the room we noticed that each room had a working doorbell

A feature I've never seen before but wasn't sure if I liked it or not. On walking into our room, we were greeted by not one, but two pigeons on our wardrobe. I did not see that coming. I did not see... He threw me off with the doorbells. Yeah. Completely...

I mean, you don't need a doorbell in a hotel room, especially if it's a cheap room. We not we're not talking about a split level suite here where you i might not hear someone knocking on the door you just need a knock you just need a you don't need a doorbell that doorbell is gonna wake up the rooms next to you as well that's it was that our doorbell fucking that happens a lot when you hear the door in a hotel. You're like, is that me? It's the next door. And you check and someone's next door. You've got to hear the footsteps. God almighty. We were in shock.

Luckily, we managed to get them out. When we called the front desk, they replied with, well, that's Brighton for you. That's it? That's ridiculous. Don't blame the area. Can I just say, as someone who's stayed in loads of hotels in Brighton,

never been a pigeon in my room. No. Ever. Sadly not. Ever. It wouldn't be a seagull if it was Brighton. Yeah, so keep listening. I couldn't believe it,

but she kept going on saying, do you know that the pigeons are fighting for their lives out there against the seagulls? There's a war going on between the pigeons and the seagulls. Don't get caught in the crossfire, whatever you do. Keep your chips in there.

In your bag. Eat all chips indoors. Keep your windows closed. Don't look up, you'll get it in your eye. My mam was telling us an older lady was attacked in Shields by a seagull

not long ago right that shield's for you I know or was it a pigeon don't know one of them they're both as bad

as each other is that the beginning and the end of the story yes your mum just said she was quite aggressively attacked like honestly

like cut her head open Jesus yeah yeah yeah they're starving they're starving mate jeez yeah but they're not. They're starving, mate. Gee, well, yeah, but they're not eating humans. What did you have? Well, they've probably gone to get something

and she's bottled them out the way. I think she had one of them, like, a fruit hat on. A hat with, like, false fruit in it. I don't know. I think she was going to the races. Maybe. Maybe she had a sausage roll in her head. I don't know.

Oh, sausage roll hat. Well, Primark's doing Greg's clothes now. She might have had a sausage roll cap on or something. Oh, my God. What if they've seen it and just thought that that's it yeah you never know

do you know my grandad used to have one of them caps with bird shit on why saying something about like it said fucking seagulls

and it had bird shit on fake bird shit a cap with fake bird shit on that said fucking seagulls yeah that's

horrendous my dad's dad that's terrible yeah and he bought that it'll have been in a shop somewhere like Brighton and he'll have saw it

and he'll have went hey hey Derek look at that look at that fucking seagulls in it look it's big mate from what I remember

he had it on quite a lot that's just I do remember it quite a lot might not be in the F word there was bloody seagulls might have been bloody seagulls

because I don't think the F word was about then, but aye. That's great. I mean, I thought it was hilarious. I don't think my mum did. You can't be lost! Going on there. And there you go.

Okay, and you go to your parents there, leaving school. Have a good day. See you tomorrow. Rosie, we're just in the yard here. Which parents are you going to pick you up? Me grandad. Which one's your grandad?

He's the one in the fake bird shit. Oh, yes, there he is in the fake bird shit. Here you go. Go on, Rosie. You go and see your grandad there. Nowadays, they wouldn't let you leave. They'd not let you leave with him. Remember?

Be like, what's the word, sir? The special word. What's the password? Right. This is completely nothing to do with the story. is he what's the what's the word sir the special word what's the password right this is completely nothing to do with the story the story's ended anyway

they got the birds out and the woman was like eh well you shouldn't have left the windows open brilliant they'd only just checked in yeah I know cheeky cow

yeah she's not very good I'm sure I must have talked about this but just thinking about like what your parents and grandparents used to wear

did I tell you that my dad bought our school jumper I'm sure I must have talked about this, but just thinking about what your parents and grandparents used to wear. Did I tell you that my dad bought our school jumper in his size? I must have told you this. I think you may have mentioned this. I must have mentioned it, but I was so traumatised by that. How did they do it in his size? Well, because they must have been like, grown-ups, mums and dads can buy a St. Pete's jumper and he used to wear it all the time

and I'd be like can you stop wearing me school jumper to pick it up from the pictures it's killing us or outside of school as well oh well why would he when he didn't go to school

and then when it got a bit shitty and on the front street I'd be like mum he's wearing the school. Great. And then when it got like a bit shitty, do God and that. And on the front street, I'd be like, oh my God. Mum! Mum, he's wearing this. That was a front street as well. King George Road.

That is the main thoroughfare in the Shields. That's amazing. Yeah, honestly. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I was listening to episode 181 with the anus tangerine bet. Jesus.

It reminded me of my last night with our group of friends. Now, when I hear Stories like this It just always makes us Feel better About the friends That I keep

Right Why was it the last night Am I going to find out Why it was the last night With a group of friends No it was just The last time That they went out

Oh right The last night ever No no Like they all left Or they all died Or something No Okay

It just I like to know That people have Similar conversations As to what we do okay okay my husband and i had been out with three other couples when the question arose in the pub of whether or not we'd eat a teaspoon of our own shit for 250 000 pounds a teaspoon a teaspoon fuck yeah oh right. Not sure how it came up, but my answer was no. No way. I don't think there is enough money that could convince me,

but it would be millions before I'd consider it. Wow, you're on shit. I'm on, I'm on. It is. Right, okay. Back in you go. Cha-ching. Most of the others said they would.

My husband, however, seemed to think it was a negotiation and went all the way down to 10 grand. It's his. He couldn't understand why everyone was horrified. I tried to get him to grasp that he didn't need to make an offer. It was a simple yes or no question. And then say it because there's more. I don't know what's worse,

that he'd do it for so cheap, but he won't eat pasta. In brackets, it says he doesn't like it. Or, and this has just got another thing, or that they deny us another 240 grand quid to show off so my question

to you both is would you eat a teaspoon of your own shit for 250 grand yeah definitely yes absolutely would you do it

yeah and we're going to start a whip round to get 10 grand for him to do it as well would you do it for 10 grand no 10

no it's only a teaspoon and it's your own and you can just have loads of drink after. Oh, it is kind of gross thinking about it,

isn't it? I feel worse thinking about it because I feel a bit... Oh, you feel a bit sick? I still feel a bit sick. Please keep me anonymous. My husband will know it's him anyway

as I can't imagine anyone else would eat their shit on shit for so little. See, it's still a lot of money but also do you not love that other people

talk about random stuff like we do I'm so happy that people do that so happy we've got we've had conversations

where you would think somebody had the money on them like no not honestly five million five million

oh here you are when Alan sure got to walk in you said it you said oh there's a teaspoon there's a suitcase of cash you're made with elon musk he's always gonna front it up that's the thing that's what i if i was elon musk or if i was jeff bezos or something i would just sit and get drunk and just say stuff like that to me mate yeah i'd literally be like piss in your own mouth piss in your own mouth 10 Piss in your own mouth, 10 grand? 20 grand? 30 grand? 40 grand? We have 40 grand, everyone!

Get the plastic sheeting down! That's how you breed sociopaths. Get the plastic sheeting down, Carl Hutchinson's going to piss in his own mouth. He wouldn't have to work. I would just come up with different words. If I was Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos, I would just go, he'd be worth a fortune.

He'd be ill. Your mates would be like, right, it's the 24th, I'm due a pay. Let's get Ramsay on the blower. Let's organise a night that is. What are we going to do this week? Oh, God. I don't know, but I'm shaving my pubes in case. Bring them with you.

Bring them with you. Ta very much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mountain Oid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Sorry, that was extremely informal and unprofessional. What Rosie meant to say was thank you. Thank you for listening. I like Ta. Don't like it. Cheers.

Thank you very much for listening. We'll be back with you guys next week, guys. If you want to get in touch, shagmountainoid at gmail.com. Send your ics, your stories and all that stuff. And we'll see you next week for listening. We'll be back next week, guys. If you want to get in touch, shag around in order at gmail.com, send your ics, your stories, and all that stuff. And we'll see you next week. Bye. Stop.

Chris. Oh, God. Stop. See, I can do that singing as well. Piece of piss. You're horrible. I hate you. Everybody hear me through.

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