Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 184. Beat the Letter

Episode Date: September 9, 2022

The school holidays are finally over and Chris and Rosie are enjoying some normality. This week on the podcast they get nostalgic over calculators and kids games. They have some snack based beef and a position based ick. All of this plus Rosie updates the smas and das on her recent garden furniture purchase. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hi, Smiles and Daz. Just to let you you know we recorded this podcast earlier in the week before we heard the tragic news of the Queen's death had been announced. Yeah, so we're sitting now, the night before the podcast gets released, just doing this little note because it sort of seemed we had not to mention it, didn't it?

Obviously, incredible monarch, incredible life. We send our loving thoughts out to everyone saddened and affected by the news of her death. We hope you're all okay. Rest in peace, Mum. Yeah, rest in peace indeed. What a longest reigning British monarch. Incredible. Absolutely fantastic. Rest in peace.

Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Uninoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, I am husband Christopher Ramsey, she is wife Rosie Ramsey. Hello. Hello, the kids are back at school! Yay! Get in! Get in! Party! Oh God. Fucking get them back.

Just six weeks plus of just... Too long. Kicking around the fucking house. Too long. Asking for stuff. Yeah. Going on iPads, wanting to tell... Honestly, I haven't watched grown-up telly for fucking like eight weeks.

No. I'm sick. No. Sick. It's nice. Nice for them to be back. I just think it's too long. I always thought it was too long

when I was a kid as well I didn't I enjoyed the first few weeks of summer holidays and then I just got bored I remember being bored I know what you mean

that's the thing because I do obviously you know people are ridiculous out there we love our kids love them so much of course we do but I feel

Robin's just a better kid when he's at school during the week yeah he's a better kid you enjoy the weekends more you're like oh hey I've got all day with you this is great well I'm just find yourself eb during the week yeah he's a better kid you enjoy the weekends more you're like oh hey I've got all day with you

this is great well I'm just find myself ebbing the days out man recently I've been looking at the clock and going like three o'clock right how long is that till bedtime

what can I do here we did that silly thing of taking the summer off yeah yeah yeah I'll be doing that again fuck that I wish I was working yeah

no take it I want to spend it with the kids I want like a weekend I was like get me a fucking tour book I it with the kids I want like a week in I was like get me a fucking

two hour book I'll do the fringe next year if we take some time if we take any weeks off I'll be like June yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah June absolutely yeah June May and June yeah anyway they're back

it's nice I hope he's alright I hope he's managed to juggle childcare because I know a lot of people obviously work during the summer holidays you lucky bastards

but then you know also not work we'll look back in 10 years time we'll go this was the best summer of our life because we have done some nice absolutely not i can already tell you like three summers that are better than this already no we will talk about no i'm telling you right shake on it no no what i'm saying here is i've already got like three summers in the bank that are better than this one anyway so why am i going to look ahead look back and go no that was the best one of my life because we will because we're stupid and when you've got children you look back on things and go oh i missed that and love that and we will even know at the time it was shit yeah i'm already doing it with robin i already get notifications on my phone of when he was three and i go oh and it's happening already

he was a nightmare he's a pain in the arse. I know he was. He used to kick off in the middle of B&M bargains and I had to carry him out over my shoulder but he was cute and I missed that stage. Yeah.

And we'll never get it back again. It's mental. Chris, it's mental. Can we talk about how much of a hooligan Rafe is, please? Our one and a half year old this morning,

I went to give him some rice krispies and he just fucking booted them out of my hand and they went all over the floor and he caught us off guard. I was embarrassed because I was still half asleep. I was still half asleep. I was a bit tired. He caught uspies and he just fucking booted them out of my hand and they went all over the floor and he caught us off guard. I was embarrassed because I was still half asleep.

I was still half asleep. I was a bit tired. He caught us off balance and he just hit the ball and the full lot went on the floor. I was embarrassed for you. Oh, I don't know where to put myself.

He did for 10 minutes after he just kept pointing at it. I was like, you did that dickhead. Pointing at it like, he doesn't speak yet, the lazy little bastard that he is. He just goes,

ugh, ugh, ugh. Oh God. Anyway, look, yes, like Rosie said

we hope you all had a lovely summer holiday hope your kids are back at school safe and sound hope everyone's relaxed and having a nice little time out there it is episode 184 wow

184 and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor can't wait this week's sponsor is people who cross the road as you're driving towards them

then realise that you're there and step back on and get a fright and step back onto the pavement and then look at you like your car shouldn't have been on the fucking road

in the first place. Yeah. The audacity. Why is that car on the road? I was going to just fucking jaywalk. Yeah.

Pricks. Sick of it. I'm so chagged about that. I'll tell you right now. Yeah. They'll not drive. Right. We'd had that yesterday, didn't we? Yeah. There was a woman standing. People who can drive are

really good at crossing the road. People who can't drive are not as good at crossing the road. Well, fuck them. Fuck them. But no, then again, no, I don't think it's that. I think you're wrong. I think if walking is your thing, if you don't drive and you're a professional walker, then you should be good at walking everywhere. Yeah. Sick of it. Do you know what I mean? the ones where you drive not and they go to step out when

you like put your brakes on and they step out and they look as if to go oh oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah how dare your car be here because it's a fucking road yeah they do it in car parks is the worst people don't seem to realize that cars need to drive down the middle of the car parks like them car parks that have got that blue or whatever coloured path. They're really good. They're amazing. They are a godsend. Because otherwise, it's a fucking free-for-all. Trolleys and people just walking around, kids running out. It's a car.

Car! Car! I cannot control a trolley. No. I really struggle. I don't think I've got any up-ass body strength. I don't know how they managed to make them so shit. I don't know how they managed To make them so shit I don't know how they made Them so shit

Is it because all of the wheels Can turn around 360 degrees I think it's since I think it's since right You know since now That they've got them In the go up escalators And that

Right They're a bit ridiculous now What do you mean Well because back in the day Right There wasn't any escalators In supermarkets Right

Yeah And what's And so trolleys were just Sort of like A bit more sturdy. I don't know. Now they've got their magnet things on. Their magnet things. Aren't they to stop you from nicking them?

Aren't they like if you... No, they're to go up the escalators. No, they're not. I'm sure they... No, they're not the magnet things. The wheels to go up the escalators, that's the little rubber skinny bits of the wheels that are clipping the escalator.

But the big grey thing that you're talking about... They don't clip in the escalator. They the big grey thing that you're talking about. They're not clipping the escalator. They're magnetic. They're not magnetic. They go into the grooves, you fucking nutter. Oh, do they? Why would they be magnetic?

Because I thought when you were on there. Are you talking about the big grey box on the wheels? Yeah. The big grey box on the wheels. Do they go in the grooves? I'm sure they lock it if you take it out of the car park. If you try and knock it. Nick it.

I'm sure they lock the wheels. Oh, I don't know. I thought they were. You've done that thing where you've made us doubt myself now I normally get a tweet I normally get a tweet going

Chris Ramsey made a dick of himself I work for the the company that puts the magnets on them this is what the escalator your wife was right I thought there were magnets that when you go on the escalator they go

like that but no I thought I thought they just went in the grooves well I don't know the answer to this and you see saying escalator. Are we talking about travelator?

Are we talking about the vertical... Not vertical. So, yes, the travelator. Yeah, the ascending travelator. Yes. Okay. Yeah. But all I'm saying is...

Right. Right. Back in the day, I don't remember trolleys being this out of control. Right. When you're going back to the car, if you've done a full shop and you go back to the car, I'm, like, veering off into the road

because I can't keep my trolley straight. Well, you've got the fucking problem then. Get out of the road. It's a car park. But I can't keep my trolley straight. Well, you've got a problem then. Get out of the road. It's a car park. But I can't keep the trolley straight. Don't care. Don't care.

Stand on the other side of it. Pull it. Do anything. Walk slower. It would probably be better to pull it. Walk slower. No, I haven't got the strength, man.

It's even worse when you're pregnant. Like, when you're pregnant, try and have the strength to push a trolley. Not good. I wouldn't advise it. Why are you talking about stuff I can't have an opinion on?

Because I'm better than you. Why are you cutting me off I can't have an opinion on? Why are you... Because I'm better than you. Why are you cutting me off? Tell you what, if you think trolleys are hard, wicks are B and Q. Try the big ones that you can put plasterboard on. Yeah, oh no.

Fucking garden centre trolley, forget about it. Give up using them. Kidneys. Give up using them years ago. Kidneys. How old are we? Are we 85 years old?

I just feel like we're at an age now where we just complain about stuff. Trollies. Just trollies and that just like, oh, back in the day. Boring twats. I know, I'm going to ask me mum if it was easier years ago than it is now. I'm not going to ring that. Well, yeah,

please don't and just remind us when you're going to, give us some heads up when you are going to ask her that so I can leave the room because I don't want to be. Hang on a minute. Leave the room. You're the nosiest little fucker that I've ever met in my life. You wouldn't, you know what you'd do? We'd be talking that concert. Oh, hang on a minute. Leave the room. You're the nosiest little fucker that I've ever met in my life. You wouldn't, you know what you'd do?

We'd be talking about it. You walk in, you go, what are you talking about? I go, it's not important. You go, what are you talking about?

What are you talking about? I go, it's really boring. You want to know? Go on, tell us, tell us. And then I go,

well, I'm asking my mum if trolleys were better when she was younger or now and you'd go, oh, what the fuck? I don't want to hear about that

and I'd go, well, why did you ask you nosy little prick in case it was something good you boring piece of shit you can't bid if you're left out

no I do hate being left out like I hate honestly I've told you before I think I've said it on here before if I get a missed call from an unknown number day ruined day ruined

I honestly couldn't give a shit I'm like if the one I get in touch with is to leave a message if they don't then I'll happily me life will carry on day ruined awful cry me eyes out do the jingle oh go on do your fucking shit piece of shit jingle go no i'm sorry like come on let's let's get all i'm just excited

because the kids are about let's get the anger gone i'm sorry i'm sorry i apologize but everyone's fucking stay with me car when i'm driving be safe out there shut up green cross code Shut up! Green cross cord. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, the Kids are Back at School and All.

Yes, let's try not to bang on about that too much I think, but yeah, it's very, very, I just thought I'd want to talk about, who am I kidding? Oh God, dropped them off this morning. Bye! See you in a few hours, someone else's fucking problem! So my card recently has been declined. Right. Well, you know this i'm not just telling i'm not telling you for the first time yeah i'm telling the listeners for the first time um so i'm five days without a debit card i've done yeah i'm aware of the scam you're running on me yeah but well this is what i want everyone to know it's actually brilliant because i've just been now using your card and then very convenient finally bought a garden furniture yeah yeah yeah yeah listen to this everyone right out of your bank

about buying garden furniture is it not i think we've done this i don't know i don't know i don't fucking know but sorry sorry'll rephrase. She's been fucking having a whinge, right? Shall I buy garden furniture? Shall I not? What colour? What if someone drops an ice cream on it? Does it have a cover?

Oh, you've got to put the cushions in the house. Oh, buy a box. Really upset. I don't like the box. It's fucking ridiculous, right? You've been literally back and forth about buying them. Since about March. Since literally about March, everyone, right?

The minute I fucking card, the minute she has to get her card blocked, right? The minute I fucking card, the minute, the minute you have to get a card blocked, right? Because of some spurious website I've just been buying bollocks on. The minute you get it blocked,

Chris can have your card. I've decided I want to definitely get some garden furniture. Magically, magically, the stars align and you find your favourite fucking garden furniture

as soon as you can't use your account to buy it. You snake. Right, everyone listening, if you have also been undecided about garden furniture. As soon as you can't use your account to buy it, you snake. Right, everyone listening, if you have also been undecided about garden furniture, get it now. It's half price. It's all half price.

I hate it when they do that. Yeah. Shit bags. Yeah, yeah. I know. I'll sit on me hands all summer, shall I? Eh? Seasonal stuff.

And then September, I'll get it. Yeah. But it's a good idea, though. It is. Yeah, I suppose. It's like people who buy Christmas cards in January

hate them hate them people but actually at the same time you know I mean I've talked about this before I hate people

who book their haircut their next haircut on the way out because I'm just jealous I'm just jealous of how sort of organised they are but yeah

people who like I've said before my mum's my mum's got a friend who goes and gets all of next year's Christmas presents in the box in Deer Seal. Oh. Mad.

Like, what the fuck? Oh, I... Like, what the actual... Actually, no. That just turns it into some kind of production line. Yeah. Like, where's the joy? Where's going out?

You know, I mean, every year you hear they put those Christmas songs on in the shops in October. All right, man, we get it, right? Yes, they're trying to make us all spend money. But there is something nice about going out in the shops when it's getting a bit Christmasy. When you're thinking about who you're buying for. Oh, who would like this and all.

Not like, right, box and day. Get them all in, loft them. Next year, get them out, wrap them under the tree. Day after, box and day. Get them in, lock. Repeat until we die. That is sad. I don't like that.

Repeat until we die. But, okay, just to stick up for this person. I don't know who it is, by the way. You'll have to tell us after. They're carefree. Oh, yeah. They are. They're enjoying Christmas.

They lead up to Christmas. Pissing themselves. They're enjoying themselves. They're going out for afternoon drinks. Oh, yeah. They are. They're enjoying Christmas. The lead up to Christmas. Pissing themselves. They're enjoying themselves. They're going out for afternoon drinks. Oh, yeah. You know, Friday afternoon. They're not at the shops buying shit for people who they don't give a fuck about. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I suppose like. So, hmm. Yeah. Yeah. There is that. I mean, I'm getting drunk on Boxing Day. Yeah. There is no Boxing Day sales for me. We're at my Nana's house

you're mad if you go and shop again on them days I get that everyone wants to save a bit of money especially now but I just can't put up with it I know what you mean it's never been top of my agenda to buy next year's Christmas presents just after someone's opened them seasonal stuff's weird

the way people sell stuff like the garden furniture being half price and stuff now. Did I ever tell you, I was doing a gig in Norwich years ago, my first ever tour, my first ever tour show of my first ever tour was at Norwich Playhouse on my Offamation tour.

And I stayed in like a Holiday Inn or something, but it happened to have a pool. Like it was one of these mad hotels that had a pool. I was like, really? Inside or outside?

God, inside. Jesus, Norwich. England. And I went across to the Asda. So this must have been 2012. Right. I went across to the Asda. Gosh, we weren't even together then.

No. Was it 2011? Might have been 2011. Oh, yeah. Shit, it was 2011. Right. 2011. Autumn 2011.

So we're talking October, November. I went into the Asda and I said, do you sell swimming swimming shorts and they looked as it was a fucking lunatic yeah because it was because it was autumn yeah like just like the rules are just oh no no you can't buy I mean I think you can now but then it was just like no chance I think you can now but only because people are going a little bit further afar on the holidays like yeah since you know people more people are going to dubai and places

like that where where it is winter sun winter sun technical terms back in the day yeah rich people went on holiday in november do you remember if somebody at school probably not no it like i honestly don't think anybody went on a winter sun holiday who i know when i was younger yeah but if adults had who my mom might know and it would be like either going on holiday in november oh my god like on a cruise or something oh yeah just crazy the other half lived i know oh god so yeah you're right actually yeah well didn't that happen to me hang on this is even this isn't even that far back so when i worked in greece i needed to buy all of my stuff, but obviously it was in like April, March or April,

because I was going. I went to me training at the end of April in Rhodes. I couldn't get anything. What do you mean? I couldn't buy any bikinis, couldn't buy anything because it was April. So what did you do? Is that why you used to get your tits out all the time?

You just didn't have a bikini? No, I just had lush tits. Just got them out all the time. I was actually a bit of an exhibitionist when I was just had lush tits. Just got them out all the time. I was actually a bit of an exhibitionist when I was younger. Can you believe that?

Yes. Yes, we can all believe that. We're all familiar with your patter. When I was a kid in my school, once, no one

could believe it, went in the Bahamas for Christmas. What? Came in January with a tan. From Shields? From Shields. Went in the Bahamas for Christmas. What? Came in January with a tan. From Shields? From Shields. Went in the Bahamas for Christmas.

Tell you, January, we'll fucking braid him. Why? Served him right. I'm joking. God, don't say that. It's a horrible thing to say. I'm joking, man. Imagine that. What's that? A tan in January? Come here, let us fucking... Went in the Bahamas. What's his mum and dad do?

Oh, I don't know. Drug dealers. Robbers. The Bahamas? Yeah, yeah. What's his mum and dad do? Oh, I don't know. Offshore. Drug dealers. Robbers. The Bahamas. Yeah, yeah. I've never even been to the Bahamas. I've never been to the Bahamas. I don't know where it is.

I'll be honest with you. I don't know where it is. Hotter winter, so south. Caribbean. South bit. Bottom bit of the egg. Bottom half of the egg. Something like that.

Have we spoke about the fact that you told me and it blew my mind that every other country in the world is in the middle whatever country you're from when you look at the map of the globe or whatever they're in the middle right now this is another thing that i don't want people to i don't i'm hoping that i don't get proved wrong here because this is a fact i learned in geography at school so i don't know if this is right or not. But, and I've told you about it. Yeah, blew my mind. Well, I'm always quite confident about the facts I know

because normally 99 times out of 10, 100. Oh, he started on a bad foot here. 99 times out of 10. Anyone who had any confidence in what I was about to say has just been fucking shattered. Do you mean nine times out of ten or 99 times out of 100? Both of them. Okay, great.

I mean, most of the time, me facts are normally right. One of the QI elves was very impressed with me Big Bang stuff. But yeah, so if there's a map of the world in a British school, your British Isles are in the middle. Yes. England's in the middle and then America's off to the left and then, you know,

Europe, Russia, Australia, Australia, Japan are off to the right. All right, stop naming countries, trying to redeem yourself. She's trying to fucking dig herself out of that 99 out of 10 hole. And yeah, so if you... So say you are from...

America. America. From America. And in American school, they've got the world atlas up on the wall. America. So you're from America and in American school they've got the world atlas up on the wall. America will be in the middle and Europe and that

will be off to the right and then Australia and that will be off to the left. So whatever country the world matters from, that country's in the middle because why would you just have England in the middle?

Yeah, it makes complete sense but I never knew that and when you told me that, I was like, wow. Again, I am 99 times out of five. I'm 99 times out of five that that's true. But do you not remember at one point in my life

when people from Australia said, no, people from America said they were going to Australia, I'd be like, Jesus. Yeah. But actually, they could just go the other way. Yeah, but the Pacific's there, isn't it?

It's still pretty far. I think it's closer. Yeah, I know it's there, isn't it? It's still pretty far. I think it's closer. Yeah, I know it's still pretty far, but obviously when you look at our map, America to Australia is like crazy. Oh, yeah, sorry, you're talking about the flat one. Yes, the flat one, but they can just nip around the other way.

Yeah, you thought they went the full way. Yeah, I mean, you never know, they might. Flight paths are fucking weird. It's weird the way it works. This school memory came to me this week. In my geography class, the geography teacher, for some reason,

was talking about football. So this is comp? This is in the comp, yeah, yeah. So we must have been 14, 13. No, probably 12, actually. It was four removed classes. So we're 12 years old. He's talking about football.

Obviously, it's South Shields. Half of the class is Newcastle, half the class is Sunland. Yeah. Apart from one lad who supports Man United. Glory supporter. Glory supporter is what the teacher

said and he made a big thing of it saying you're a glory supporter and he just went at this lad randomly he gave him a meter stick and he pulled the british isles map down and he went i bet you can't even point where manchester is couldn't do it he got it wrong the fucking class went ballistic he came in the next week went i know where it is now he got it wrong again fuck we honestly one of the best days at school we have i was do you know what's so sad about that though like why why do you have to just support the team where you're like let them yeah like totally let them like it's fine do you know what i mean yeah but it was very funny and another another amazing thing that happened at school i remember this yesterday when i was driving along someone on a podcast was talking

about the watches with calculators on remember you get a Casio watch with a tiny little calculator on it's really cool I don't remember that I'm sure like Napoleon Dynamite wears one okay I don't I remember Casio's but I don't remember the calculator one I would love that I love to calculate my mate right in science once had a watch I think it had the calculator on but it also could control the television oh and the teacher brought the telly in and he put the video in and started playing it and my mate with this little red button on the side of his watch could press standby and turn the telly off fucking amazing loved it it was an hour of every couple of minutes he just turned the telly off and

the teacher couldn't work out what was going on he He turned it back on and turned it off again and we were at the back just like dying. It was one of the best days of my life. Was it? Really? Yeah. One of the best days of my life. Do you know, this has just sparked a little memory for me. In my junior school,

like primary school, sorry, I remember our headmaster, Mr. Newcomb, used to come round and I used to, honestly, I'd be buzzing, like how sad is this? It was absolutely class. He'd come round and I used to, honestly, I'd be buzzing, like, how sad is this? It was absolutely classic. He'd come round and be like, right, calculator challenge, and he'd have a calculator. And he just

would just do loads of numbers and add them up and take them away, just like, practicing the calculator. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Like, like... I've turned the piss out of you many times for your education. I've claimed the piss out of you many times for your education

I've claimed that your school is substandard to mine and I'm obviously always joking but in my school it used to be like mental arithmetic

challenges not can you press these buttons you bunch of fucking idiots so he would come the headmaster

because now I'm like did that happen yeah yeah it did happen so the headmaster's walking down the corridors with a calculator in his pocket, like some kind of Western, with a Halstead calculator. He boots the door open.

He just randomly comes into a class and goes, calculator challenge. And everyone has to start keying in numbers. Get your calculator. So come on then, what would he say? Well, just like, right. So kind of, actually, you are practicing because you'd be like 3,472.

So you'd have to know how to, like, do you know what I mean? 3, 7, 4, 2. And how to type the numbers in. You'd have to know how to do it. And how was he checking? Well, you just play along. So you'd type it in. And then he'd be like, divide it by 9.

So you'd go, divide by 9. And he'd be like, what have you got? And everyone would go, got this. Wow. And then he'd leave. We'd do a few be there for a good 10 minutes i'm round two all right one thousand two minus four hundred why why are you ruining my happy memories bye sir yeah round of applause for the nutter with

a fucking calculator wow what a crazy crazy, simple little school you went to. It was absolutely bloody lovely, do you know that? And I only liked it because I didn't have to use my brain. Right, yes. And I'd be like, oh, I'm good at this. Fucking get him. And she's never used it since. Calculators are mint.

Why do I bother? Calculators are mint. Scrap maths from the national curriculum. Who gives a fuck? Fractions, fuck off. Ratios, fuck off. Mean modem, all that shit. Modem, yeah, modem, yeah.

Find the mean number or whatever. Fuck off. I hate maths. You remember quite a bit of it, to be fair. You remember quite a lot of it. I used to be a teaching assistant, didn't I? Yeah, yeah. But I couldn't go in the big classes.

I was like, when I did supply, they were like, where do you prefer to be? I'd be like, reception, please. One day I got put in year five. I was like, I can't be in this class. Year five! I had lots of big classes! Are you kidding me?

Fucking eight! No, it was always in the junior school, in the primary schools, but they used to put us in year five. And then I was at this school for a while, and I loved the school, and I was in year one, and they were like, there's a job coming up in year six. I was like, this school for a while and i loved the school i was in year one and they were like there's a job coming up in year six i was like absolutely not i'll see you later absolutely look i will not do full time in that class but if they want me to quickly pop in and do a calculator challenge give me a call on this give me give me a call on this here mobile

phone mrs winter that's a calculator i'll later. Actually, you just reminded me there, right? You know how I bought all them old books for the library? Yeah. They weren't quite expensive, but they're really interesting. Rosie bought loads of antique-y looking,

sort of retro, vintage looking books. No, they're not looking. They're genuinely off. Okay, old smelly fucking books for shelves. One of them's from bloody 1870, whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's going to be some incredibly out-of-date phrases and opinions for shelves. One of them's from bloody 1870 whatever. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean there's going to be some incredibly out of date

phrases and opinions and ideas. Well actually probably, yeah. But it's really nice. I've been looking at the front of loads of them and it's got messages like Sorry.

Sorry. I'll stop you right there. Yeah. You've been looking at loads of the fronts of the books. Sorry. Have you been have you been judging books

by their cover? Is that what you've been is that what you've been doing? Oh, jeez. Is that what you've been doing? Yeah, no. I've been looking at the inside because there's nice messages. What do you mean? A lot of them are teachers buying kids books,

which I find a bit weird. Written by people? The messages inside? No, yes, written by people. Like, happy birthday, John. Yeah. written by people the messages inside no yes written by people like happy birthday John yeah

love from mother or something like that it's back in the olden days so they don't say ma'am okay do you know what I mean there's loads of them anyway

back to my story yeah there's one here I can actually say it on the shelf 45 easy games for infants and juniors right Oxford University Press

right it's from 90 first printed in 1928, right? Right. It's loads of games for primary school. Right. All my friends are primary school teachers. Right.

So a few weeks ago, we all went out for dinner. Stephanie, Angela, Rebecca, and Sarah, right? They're all primary school teachers. I kept this book to the side and I was like, I found this. And I thought you could use it at the school. Like if the kids wanted to do any of them. At the time,

they were all like, oh, that's really interesting. Not one of them took it. Not one of them took it. Well, of course they didn't. Because I imagine that their curriculum isn't rooted in the 1920s. Well, no, it's just games, isn't it?

It's probably very un-PC. One of them's called We Won't Let You Out. Brilliant. That sounds great. That sounds like a fucking Jordan Peele film. Yeah. Half the class should form a ring, hold hands and stand fairly close together. The other

half should stand free inside the ring. On the whistle, those who are inside try to get out and those forming the ring try to keep them in. After a second or two, the game should be stopped and those that have succeeded

in getting out are counted. Then the children change places. Fucking hell. Let's have a look at this. Let's have a quick look. It's beat the letter in here.

That's what I want to know. Beat the letter. Do you remember beat the letter? No. Do you not remember beat the letter? What was beat the letter? What? I've never talked, we've never talked about beat the want to know. Beat the letter. Do you remember Beat the Letter? No. Do you not remember Beat the Letter? What was Beat the Letter? What? I've never talked, I don't, we've never talked about Beat the Letter. Right. Beat the Letter.

So. This book smells fucking disgusting. Of 1928. Oh my god. So Beat the Letter, Chris. Yeah. Back in, back in school what would happen is, you'd have a letter, a kid would be given a letter, right? So it would be like P. And what would happen is all the

other children had to beat you up until you shouted the letter so it's called beat the letter and what does what does the letter mean what does it make nothing everyone has loads of people got a letter and it makes a word oh possibly maybe i didn't i never knew that i just someone would come near us and I go I've never heard of that that's absolutely awful so this is 45 easy games this book for Infants and Juniors I've gone right to 45 because I want to see

what they're really sort of scraping the barrel with because obviously by 45, I mean why 45 of them what's going on 45, grinding coffee. I'm just reading this now. The children stand in their desks. In?

In their desks, facing partners and holding both hands. Then the teacher says, one, they raise their arms nearest the front, thus forming an arch. And two, they turn under the arch and stand back to back. Three, they raise their arms nearest the front again. Brackets, not the same arm as the first time. This is horrible.

Yeah. You've lost us. And at four, they turn under the arch to fit. This is fucking crazy. It's like a dance. Ridiculous.

Horrible. Shite. I'm not surprised I didn't take it, actually. Yeah, no. It's horrible. It really smells. I feel like I need a shower

after touching this book as well. No gold in there. No Rosie's Jotter this week either. I forgot it. What? Why? I forgot it. I forgot to bring it. I'm really there. No Rosie's Jotter this week either. I forgot it. What? Why? I forgot it. I forgot to bring it.

I'm really sorry. You start a new segment and you do it for one week and then you forget. Yeah. Ridiculous. I'll find it. I'll find it.

Found a great one in this book for you for children, Rose. Right. Game number six out of 45. The Man With The Gun for infants and juniors.

Maybe in 28. Divide the class into two equal parts. One half get partners and stand anywhere about the yard. Spread out as much as possible, with both hands joined to form trees. Right, so they're the trees. The others fly or hop about amongst the trees, pretending to be

birds. Then, the man with the gun, brackets teacher, runs out from behind a tree, making a big noise. She sees how many birds she can shoot, brackets touch, before... Before they can fly into a tree for safety.

Two or more birds are allowed to fly into one tree if necessary. This can be repeated three or four times before the trees change places with the birds. Well, what a day. You could do that without having to be

guns in that, couldn't you? It's a take. It's a take with multiple bases. It's the worst book in the world. I'm probably going to burn that. Did you used to play Blocker? I did used to play Blocker.

Loved the game of Blocker. How did that work again? Blocker was essentially you had a base and you counted everyone went ahead and then you counted but instead of like basically going and finding them you had to just see them and yeah so you had to walk around and then they had they had to run to the base fucking great game they had to run to the base base and say buzz off by one two three buzz off by one two three by one two three yeah that was a good game really good

I was talking to my mate the other day my mates used to did any of your mates used to do this garden lobbing what's that trespassing

it's trespassing just going over the gardens jumping over as many gardens as Rosie could I never did that I never did it my mates used to do it

my mates used to love it and I never did it I never jumped over I don't know how I used to keep getting out of it my mates said it was the idea I used to love it we did it did it I never jumped over I don't know how I used to keep getting out of it my mates that was the idea I used to love it

we did it all the time they did do it all the time and I would just I don't know how I did it but I didn't even let myself get peer pressured into it I wouldn't do it imagine if you just saw some kids

jumping out of your back fence and just running through I don't think I'd be that arsed remember when people used to like chase people when you go out knock on that door the bloke would come out

and chase you like how much fucking time has he got on his hands remember it you go out and knock on that door the bloke will come out and chase you like how much fucking time has he got on his hands remember get a bit irritated ring that doorbell and the guy comes and chases you

why and what's he going to do when he catches what's he doing is he a fucking nutcase and like if I got knocked on the door and I opened the door

and there was no one there I go okay kids have knocked and ran away and I shut the door again but what that guy didn't know is by chasing them he's making a road for his own back if I looked out the back window and two kids have not run away and I shut the door again. What that guy didn't know is by chasing them,

he's making a rod for his own back. If I looked out the back window and two kids jumped over the fence and ran and jumped over the next fence, I'd probably open the back door or the window and think, what are they doing? And then I'd go back in.

It depends how old they are. Right. How old are the men? Well, I know, but you're thinking maybe he's like Robin's age or something. I'm not being funny. My Daniel now,

how old is he now? He's 13. We're talking youths. He's like six foot odd. If a 13, 14 year old lad jumped over our, I'd be like,

who the fuck was that? Do you know what I mean? But I'm not going to chase him. I'm not going to follow him. I'd get a good chase on me. You little shit! Get out of my garden! Come back here

and play man with a gun! Eh? I'll sort the men from the boys. You're invited gun. I'll sort the men from the boys. music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. believes the girl is to be the mother mother of what is the most terrifying 666

is the mark of the devil movie of the year it's not real it's not real it's not real who said that the first omen in theaters friday

gets it gets now it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef beef beef beef beef beef you nearly said the c word did you

nearly said the c word oh i had you? Nearly said the C word. Oh, I had to stop myself. I love the C word. You do indeed. We swore a lot this episode, though. We have. We'll be very angry. Let's just fucking, let's rain at the fucking, let's fucking rain at the fucking, right?

I love swearing. I do, I love it. I love it so much. Honestly, if you're offended by swearing, I don't know what's wrong with you. Well, I find swearing one of them things. You can control your swearing. Yeah, yeah. I did a TV programme last week.

Oh, my God. Stop doing all that stuff. Why? Well, stop doing all that stuff. Shut up. That's the thing. We're in a weird position at the minute because you've done a TV show

that you want to talk about and you're not allowed. And I've done a TV show that I want to talk about but I'm not allowed. It's really annoying. Yeah, we live in a weird world where we can't talk about anything.

Yeah, everything's filmed so far in advance but we'll talk about it also. Yeah. Don't worry, we'll get you all up to speed because we've got

something. I'm fucking cracking out of doors. Can I just say though, I do love working with you. I genuinely do. We have a lovely,

we have a great time. It's good fun. I feel a bud coming. It's quite nice being on my own. Great. Quite nice being my own person again.

Great. It was nice. Great. It was nice. Well, I'm glad because you are your own person. Yeah. And yeah. Kind of had to be a bit more professional. Great. It was nice. Great. It was nice. Well, I'm glad, because you are your own person. Yeah. And yeah.

Kind of had to be a bit more professional. Really? Which was quite difficult. Probably, yeah. Anyway, what was I saying? Fuck knows. Some shit about a TV show you did. Some shit about some stupid job you did that you were rubbish at.

So, I mean, I was pretty rubbish. I managed not to swear. Might have let a couple slip out in, you know, company. But actually, on the whole, didn't swear much because you can rein it in when you need to.

But I do love a good swear word. I used to on the one show, man. Squeaky clean. Children in need. Squeaky clean. I can do what I need to, but I just fucking love it. I do, I do.

Anyway, what's your beef, you fucking... Sorry. Right, my fucking... My beef, you fucking... Sorry. My fucking... My beef with you at the minute. Can't imagine the while. We've spent a full summer together. I can't imagine you've got anything left. I've got a lot.

To get upset with. You need to stop prioritising yourself in the morning. Never. Never. Next question. Never. Come downstairs. Yeah. Next question. Never. We'll come downstairs. Yeah.

The kids need feeding. Well, it's time to fucking learn. You know, it's time. I'll fill the, right, get a trough.

I'll fill the trough. Right? I am, Rosie, it's called self-care. Well, you come down. Yeah.

Obviously, I'll run around after them, get all the stuff done, whatever. But actually, this is the problem because I would do it but Rafe won't let me leave his side

what is wrong with this kid at the minute he is so clingy bless him so I have to just sit with Rafe because I could I do leave him sometimes

and he has to cry and I'm like that's you know I get it but first thing in the morning I can't be bothered with him screaming so I just kind of sit

and have to watch the shite on telly anyway you are just having the whale of a time down in your athletic first thing in the morning I can't be bothered when I'm screaming so I just kind of sit and have to watch the shite on telly anyway you are just having the whale of a time down in your athletic greens

in the kitchen still on that can you not wait until they're sorted it's called self care athletic greens you don't get self care when you've got two children

bang coffee bang then I'll deal with them they'll wait no Chris you have to pack it in your time management with the kids is

shocking i'll be honest with you i've been all right for the past few weeks you're talking about today specifically and today specifically i went in there and i did me athletic greens me coffee because i was in a huff that rafe had hit them cereal out my hand and i was really annoyed by it and i was like he's not getting anything else for real he's not getting anything else fuck off that's why you came in and had to get him something i realized i was being ridiculous but i took it personally wow i took it really personally social services you listening to that

yeah yeah yeah 19 month old spills cereal father refuses to feed him ever again serves him right yeah you gotta learn

you gotta learn these you gotta learn these lessons I was I was just like oh fuck sake but yeah sorry but no not sorry

self care just wait until they're fed feed the kids do whatever you want you can have a go upstairs and have a 10-minute meditation. No, you can't actually.

10-minute meditation? No, you can't. No, you said it. You said it. You said it. You said it because I don't have to meditate. I just sit in silence

for 10 minutes. That would be lovely. It kind of is meditating. I love a bit of that. What's your beef with me? My beef with you. Right, okay. What have we got?

I'll just go through the file of facts. What have I got? Oh, yeah. So you've done this for a while now, but you did it to the most ridiculous degree

the other day. So I went shopping right and I was you always food shopping or normal or like clothes shopping

when have I got time to go fucking clothes shopping okay food shopping food shopping so I went to go to the shop you love going food shopping I do love going food shopping I'm actually a bit sick of you

me time keep self care no I'm the food shopper stop trying to be the food shopper you can never be arsed man you can never be arsed

to do it I want to do it I don't want to be in the house with the You can never be arsed, man. You can never be arsed to do it. I want to do it. I don't want to be in the house with the kids. Yeah, you do, man. You love it. Now, listen. I go to the shop, and I'll say,

do you want to get anything? Shall I get you a little treat for tonight? And you go, no. No. Don't get any treats. Don't get any chocolate. I'm being good. You've said this before.

Yeah, you did it the most ridiculous way the other day, right? This is exactly what you said. You said, right? Have I said this recently? No, it's been a while ago. Right. You said i know i do it i know you went don't i'm being good don't i went right later on that night i didn't and you went you got any treats and i went no and you went oh for fuck's sake fuck's sake and i went rosie you specifically told me

not to get any treats and your exact words were always get them no matter what i say yeah what the fuck what the fuck so get them and we've spoke about this you've alluded to it before you've alluded to it before but you literally put it out there saying completely ignore what i'm saying yeah down down is up up is down i don't know what's going on basically have a stash somewhere that i don't know where they are we've talked about this before i don't know why you why you don't do it have a stash that you will not let tell me about unless i'm literally begging you it's ridiculous i know it is and i know i sound ridiculous but if if if it's here i'll eat it i've got a problem it's ridiculous it's doing me head in and i can't have anything and i there's nothing and then then your mammy owe me Doritos yesterday.

No, you can have the stuff I don't like. Doritos. Please stop calling them Doritos. There's no double O. It's horrible. That would be ooh.

It's Doritos or Doritos because we're Geordies. No, Doritos. Doritos. Doritos. Awful, that mic. But then even sometimes

when I do get them and hide them you tell us I shouldn't hide them as well and god forbid you tell us not to get treats and I go to the shop and I get myself treats

and get you none yeah and then I lose half me twix yeah you're fucking nightmare get stuff I don't like stop being have some self control

I've got none why can I get you stuff you don't so right so not don't get chocolate get you stuff you don't like so that I won't be tempted to eat them I don't like stuff you don't... Right, so not don't get chocolate, get you stuff you don't like. So that I won't be tempted to eat them.

I don't like chocolate, I don't like coffee stuff. Everyone out there, you listen to this. Don't like orange. I would eat orange. You would eat any of it. You would eat any of it. That's the problem. I'd get something you don't like

and then you'd be like, oh, go on then, get us it. And you just... Yeah, I would eat it for the sake of eating it because that's sometimes how desperate I am. I ate out of date Fdate Fortnum & Mason biscuits that I didn't even like because I was that desperate. That's because we got a posh present from the TV.

She was supposed to be bought some Fortnum & Mason biscuits. There were... I mean, if that's what posh people are eating, fucking hell, how is everyone not rolling around in Parliament? Well, I suppose they are. The kind of people who go to fort i'm amazing um i sadly um i'm on your level to be fair because yesterday i was uh moving the sofa from one room to the other and it was one of them sofas you take apart and as i took it apart i found a minstrel

oh did you eat it i ate it yeah you didn't i don't know how long it'd been there but i was like you know it's got you did not it's got that sort of sugary shell on it like sugary shell like i thought well that's keeping it nice wow it looks like it came proud of you what she's just put her hand out we're shaking hands proud of you really oh god i couldn't love you more welcome welcome welcome to welcome to my world wow welcome to pig hood yeah then was it nice? It tasted, honestly, worryingly normal.

If it makes you feel any better, oh, actually though, I had minstrels not long ago on That's Over, but I also had them

like last year on That's Over, so who knows? Dewy's out, I'm alive, I'm still here. When was it? Yesterday.

Yeah, how are you feeling? It's alright. Yeah? Swallowed it whole like a big tablet. No, you didn't.

It's worked its way through my system. No, I didn't. Chewed it tablet no you didn't it's working its way through my system no no I didn't chewed it I bloody love menstruals oh god shut up no I'm going through

a proper menstrual phase oh god I have two at a time and I suck all the shell off and then I like squidge them together in my mouth why do you

molest food oh god why do you molest food get the rat shop get me out of this explain how you do it so I put two in my mouth one just is how you do it so I put two in my mouth

one just is shite waste of time I put two in my mouth I suck individually I play with them around my mouth

is this sexual no no absolutely not I play with them in my mouth horrible stop it hi boy

stop it so I play with them in my mouth suck all the stuff off and then once they've gone like soft down do you here's a question

do you completely suck the stuff off one and then store it in your side pouch like a little stuff off and then once they've gone like softer. Do you, here's a question, do you completely suck the stuff off one and then store it in your side pouch like a little hamster and do the second one or do you do like sort of do you just do it

so now play with them both. Right. Suck them so they're a bit softer but the shell's still there then I squidge them together with my tongue and the top roof of my mouth and then squidge them

and then the shell kind of breaks and then I chomp the shell, I put the shell to the side of my mouth and then I suck the chocolate when it's melted and then after shell kind of breaks and then I chomp the shell I put the shell to the side of my mouth and then I suck the chocolate when it's melted and then after that

after the chocolate is melted and I swallow that I get the shell from the like side of my mouth and then I chomp on the shell

with my front teeth anyone listen to that if you fancy minstrels after that you want your fucking head looking like that there will be horrible

there will be people who enjoyed that that's definitely not minstrels new advert. I'll put the shell on the table and I'll bring it back down. It's just you clacking with fucking bits of shell spitting on the microphone.

Honestly. I also like the Countess one. They don't have the shell on. They're still quite nice. They're still quite hard on the outside. There is still a bit of a coating there. It's not like proper shell. Yet if I buy them, I get bollocked.

So what do I do? You wouldn't a tear. Listen, you wouldn't a tear.'t you're not getting anything shut up it's time for questions from the public guys as always if you want to get in touch it is shagged marinoid at gmail.com send us all kinds stories confessions everything but most importantly at the moment we are very much enjoying icks oh why are you so disgusting disgusting hi chris and rosie a short and sweet ick from me my boyfriend of nearly four years calls a 69 an upsie downsie he said it the first time as a joke and now it's stuck.

The worst part is it's one of my favourite positions, so the ick is a fresh stab in the heart and libido every time. Jesus, who's regularly 69? I didn't know. Honestly, I didn't know. Sorry, what the fuck's going on? Whose favourite position is having your partner's arsehole in your face? Oh, Jesus Christ.

I don't know if it's us being super vanilla here, but whose favourite position is a 69er? Who's 69ing so regularly that their ick is what their boyfriend calls a 69. What? What are you, a fucking porn star? What's wrong? Is it us? Is it us?

It might be us. I don't know. What would you rather look at, right? A belly button or an arsehole? Yeah. Yeah. No. What would you rather have your nose touching?

A belly button or an arsehole? 69? No. Yeah. I don't think I have. belly button of an arsehole 69 no yeah I don't think we've we've never done 69 I don't know I don't think we have

no we haven't we've talked about something but we're not Chris I don't think I've done a 69 position since I was about 20 I remember I think

when I first started having sex it would have been like let's 69 because I've seen it on porn because it's a thing and then I remember it finishing and me going

well I'm happy to never do that again because that was fucking that was like you know hey hey imagine the advert for 69s would be hey do you like having sex hey do you also like fixing a car are you good at multitasking do you want to be sliding under the undercarriage of your partner like you're fixing a fucking Renault Clio? Is your car amazing? It's so uncomfortable. And they're doing it so much that he's going, let's upsy-dowsy and she's going, stop saying that.

You're ruining me. You're ruining me. My favourite position. Fucking hell. It might be us. Listen, each of their own i'm just glad they're still having sex i can't believe people are regularly 69 and out there i can't believe it i imagine it's something you do you try it and then you go up it's a but then again you know everyone's in a different stuff but don't you think it's like all i don't know whether

maybe it's when you have kids i'm not like i think we had longer sexual sessions before children never see sexual sexual again no but you know what i mean hi welcome to rosie's sexual sessions on air bbc radio for a late night um you know what i mean though it used to be like an occasion oh yeah now it's three minutes yeah quick three minutes what we're doing it six times joking aren't you three minutes get the Lucas aid squeeze it in

literally babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Chris and Rosie big fan of you both oh thank you very much oh not not that fussed about

being kept anonymous but do as you do right but you do you I think as a rule we should probably keep unless it's specifically keep people anonymous anyway just because I don't want to get sued yeah but do as you do. Right. But you do you, even. I think as a rule, we should probably keep, unless it's specifically,

keep people anonymous anyway just because I don't want to get sued. Yeah. When I used to work in a school as a TA in a year four class, my class teacher was the head of IT

for the primary school. So we were always using laptops in the class and he had this software which let you monitor what the kids typed and viewed. Oh God.

One day, we were using the school laptops for a project and I was in charge of watching and what the kids typed and viewed. Oh God. One day we were using the school laptops for a project and I was in charge of watching and monitoring the kids. One of the kids that thought he was the cool kid was giggling a bit too loudly and kept pointing at the screen with his partner laughing too. I thought this was a bit odd so decided to see what they were looking up.

To my surprise, they were looking or what they were looking up sorry yeah to my surprise they were looking at birds specifically blue tits brilliant i thought nothing of it until i noticed what they had searched to get a blue tit the boy had tried to search up titties on a school laptop but could not spell titties. Instead he wrote, so imagine titties, but without the T in the I. So, tights. And then tried to fix that by writing big tights. So it's a tits, not tights. So, T-I-T-E-S. Yeah. T-T-E-S? T-T-E So T-I-T-E-S. Yeah.

Tites? Tites? Tites? Without the T. Tites. Yeah. I obviously found it hilarious that he couldn't spell tits right. So after I giggled for a bit,

I decided I would let it be known in the most teachery way that I knew what he was doing. As part of this software, we can freeze their screens and then leave a message on their frozen screen. Oh, that's fucking lush. That's like the Matrix, huh? I know. I, of course, froze their screen. The kids jumped and looked very scared. I then sent them a full-screen message that said,

I see everything, and now your parents do too. Oh. I can honestly say I've never had such a good laugh. So, Chris and Rosie what would you do if Robin or Rafe's primary school teacher came and told you

that they had been caught trying to watch porn in a lesson that's a good question I mean I love that being able to freeze the screen and write a message on

that is fucking power I can say this imagine if you could do it with their phones imagine if it would be a device in the class that every phone has to go into

and do it our mate so my best if it would be a device in the class that every phone has to go into and they can do it. Well, how I made, so my best friend Steph, her husband Jonathan is a teacher. I don't think he's teaching in a class at the minute. He's working in the colleges.

And he said, if you want a kid to put their phone away in a lesson, literally just go next to them and look at the screen. Yeah, yeah. And they are so desperate

for you not to see what's on that screen and they'll put it away straight away. Instead of going, get your phone away. And they won't. Yeah, he said that to me the other day. God. Just go and have a look at it.

Yeah, he's like a school fixer. Isn't he? Yeah, he fixes loads of problems at school. Really clever, that. I can imagine if you were sitting texting a man, the teacher sat down and started reading your text. Why, yeah. You'd be putting it straight away.

Genius. If our boys were watching porn at school. Sorry, when our boys watch porn at school. Are you kidding me? I would absolutely annihilate them. Yeah, there's a time and a place. What are you doing? How stupid are you typing in big titties into the school laptop?

Are you mad? Do you know what it is though? That's like crazy confident. Yeah. I can't even imagine a kid looking up big titties at home. Do you know what I mean? So, hang on, titties hasn't worked.

Someone writing big titties. I don't recognise titties. I'll put big titties. Oh, there we go. Oh, blue titties. What's going on here? Google, stop cock-flocking me, please. I don't have my blue tits. I want a big titties. Fucking who do you think I am? Bill Oddie?

When I was at school, I remember Fucking me, please. I don't need my blue tits. I want a big titty. Fucking who do you think I am? Bill Oddie? Yeah. When I was at school, I remember in the sort of IT, there was a couple of lads who were really good with computers and they got like these games. I remember there was this game. I don't remember having the internet at school.

Right. Oh no, I think because you guys just had calculators. No, we had the Acorn computers, the massive ones with like the black screen and the green writing and then it must have got a bit better no fucking way because I remember when I started Horton Comp

I still remember me using him for the computer it was 97 Ramsey slash C because 97 was the year I started 97 Ramsey slash C and we logged on the computer and we had Microsoft Word and Excel and we did all that and then like a year or two in we got the internet. And it was just like everyone couldn't believe it.

And then I remember some lads were really good with computers and one lad brought a floppy disk in with these different games on and he put them on and everyone had these different games on their account. And then he got bollocked by the IT department. They absolutely strung him up. But it was just like screensavers and there was this game called Get Saddam where little cartoon Saddam Husseins popped up and you had to click them all and get rid of them yeah yeah it was very topical very topical of the time but i just remember like at no point were the it guys like a bit impressed by what he'd done it was just like they're like

absolutely tore him to bits and it was like he's better than you at your jobs he's like bypassed all of the shit security you put on he's managed to put games on the thing yeah oh they got me though i've never told you this story ever i don't know so the the head of it he came in our it class and he was like just to let you all know i've collared one i've collared the boy i know all of you have got this stuff on your accounts i've collared the guy who brought it in and you should all um you should all you know get get it deleted off yours as well because i'm going to look through everyone's account i'm going to find it and i think i put my hand up to ask him a question because i felt really i knew i had it on my account and i was i had not a good poker face as i was a kid right still terrible poker face but

yeah still got a bad one now and i remember putting my hand up to ask him something and he's like look that is weird and then i went to the it block because the lad he was picking up the lad the lad he bollocked sorry i was gonna walk home with him because that's why i was panicking like an idiot everyone else just left but i went to the it but waited for him and remember i looked back on it and think fucking hell they totally got us the teacher was like oh yeah what you doing i was like i'm waiting for such and such you went oh yeah you're his uh you're his mate are you i was like yeah yeah and And he went, yeah, he says all the stuff on the computer. He got it off you. And I just instantly burst into tears

and confessed all of the stuff I had and told him the other lad who brought it in and basically grasped everyone up in one go. And it was not until years later, I thought, because I remember my mate left and I was like, he said you told him, you told on me? And he went, I didn't. I didn't mention your name.

Why would I mention your name? You didn't give us it. Fucking he went I didn't I didn't mention your name why would I mention your name you didn't give us it fucking got us didn't he reverse psychology this or whatever it's called

that's bad you could probably get him done for that now I might look it up who was it by the way what mate was it what was it

I don't want to say his name I'm sure he's I mean I think I don't think he's going to get wrong for it now you never know

like they might be waiting Saddam Hussein's people might be furious who is it I can't remember what he's called I think he's going to get wrong for it now. You never know. They might be waiting. What do you mean? Saddam Hussein's people might be furious. Who is it? I can't remember what he's called. I think he's called Robert and I think the other lad was called James.

Oh, okay. You just made them up, haven't you? No. Yeah. Yeah, of course you have. That was a hack of names. Hi, Rosie and Chris in the Bairns. Hope you're well.

Hello. Long time listener here. I have a quick and very specific ick for you. It's like an ick but it's actually A specific ick. Ick. Well done.

A specific ick. So we're getting a lot I've been getting a lot of emails. Don't stop them by the way. This isn't my slag on them. Yeah, yeah. Keep sending them in. They're icks

but they're actually really long story of icks and I think they're not icks they're just sort of like you've had a bad experience with someone who's give you the ick really. Storics.

Yes. Yeah. I was once talking to this lad historic events i stopped now i thought you'd be impressed by that no i was once talking to this lad i met on a popular gay dating app sorry can i just pause this as well we haven't talked about this can you stop saying ick when i do stuff around the house oh yeah can you stop just saying ick all the time it's not really pisses off what was it I did the

I did something and you were just like ick you can't do that stop icking us really horrible you've been walking around naked a lot

letting your little dick flop all over the place which makes you feel a bit sick Jesus Christ too hot it's hot. You prop our Friday night dinner down in a minute.

It's really pissing us off. Great show, yeah. Constantly naked. Yeah, but I've got underpants on. No, you've been doing a lot of walking around naked. You've got it flaunted. Right, so this guy, right, talking to this lad he met on a popular gay dating app.

Yeah, yeah. He was really charismatic and handsome and we hit it off immediately. We had a few dates together and things were going really well. One night, after a few drinks, we headed back to his flat. It was modern, well-furnished,

and he lived alone. Everything I was looking for in a man at the time. Modern, well-furnished, lives alone, four and a half stars. How fun is that? That's like his criteria. Does he have a modern, well-furnished home? Does he live by himself? Right, I'm in.

Modern and well-furnished. Don't get what he looks like. Don't get what his breath's like. Have a great night. Oh, yes. What a lovely home. Oh, God, you could do another furniture. What's this?

An antique sideboard? Get me a fucking Uber. What's that, an auger? Oh, God. Get me out of here. Beams, original beams. When was this house built? Alien fucking, get me, where's my bike?

Jesus. Oh, funny. That night, there was a lot of flirting, making out. Well, you know the rest. Oh, yeah. You know the rest. Gobble, gobble. Fucking hell.

What are you doing? Don't ever do that again. Cut to the next morning. He was making breakfast for us both. That's nice. I found out later that he could really cook well. Wow. That's good. Not on the criteria either. That's a bonus. That's nice. I found out later that he could really cook well. Wow. That's good.

Not on the criteria either. That's a bonus. I know. That's on top of everything else. I know. I had just finished showering and headed back to his bedroom. As I was getting dressed, I noticed some photos on his dresser of him dressed as a knight. Weird, I thought.

But each to their own, I guess. Okay. So I put the photo to the back of my mind and met him in the kitchen for breakfast. As we were eating, he mentioned he had plans with his LARP group. LARP, I hear you say. Well, Chris probably knows what it is. Do you know what it is? I don't know what the L stands for, but the R is going to be reenactment, isn't it?

Yeah, it says. But Rosie, live action role play. But Rosie, live action roleplay, as he informed me, is basically a bunch of people dressing up and acting as though they were in a certain era. The war, medieval times, etc. After seeing the photo of him dressed as a knight, and him then mentioning and explaining what LARP was, I was already feeling unsettled at his lifestyle choices. and explaining what LARP was,

I was already feeling unsettled at his lifestyle choices. Yeah. In brackets, no hate, just not for me. It's not something you want to find out the morning after. Yeah. Yeah. There's more. I was really willing myself to get over this as this guy was a dream in all aspects minus this.

Fuck. Anyway, he invited me to come with him. Brilliant. To which I agreed. I i mean if it was just people dressed as knights i could just drink mead in brackets i guess this is what they had and have a good time um he he went to get suited as i waited and to be fair to him the armor was kind of hot in its own way. We then travelled to the site. There were a lot of horses around

and I was loving them. But he went off... What the... Liking the horses. Oh, yes. But then he went off saying it was almost time for the show. Right.

Here's when the ick I never thought I had happened. So the ick isn't the reenactment. The ick is something specific that happens during the reenactment. The ick is what he sees. He's like, I'm going to get over this

because you know what? Open-minded, fair enough. You know, everyone likes their own different things, right? He proceeded to get onto a horse, put a helmet on and grab a long stick looking thing.

I asked someone what was going on and they informed me that the joust was about to begin. Hearing that gave me such an ick that to say i was turned off was an understatement my penis literally crawled back up inside of me long story short i left him in the show and never spoke with him again what that's the good bit he was gonna do fucking you're seeing jousting it's fucking awesome my question to you rosie is if chris decided to become a joust guy would you support him in this that's it it's settled joust guy

would you support him in this new and undeniable short-lived venture or would your vagina heal over in a nick so i think he thinks that i would hate this but i yeah love yeah all this kind of shit yeah you know i used to do amanda dramatics as a kid let's do it i'd probably quite enjoy that fucking mint that yeah first episode of house of the dragon hello yeah jousting all over the place yeah yeah i've always thought that i'm from this time anyway yeah so i would probably stand on the sidelines in some sort of long dress that i've walked through puddles of piss yeah i was gonna say yeah you're not sorry yeah i'm poor i'm not rich yeah you're not up in the box no no no yeah i'm down i've got i've got i've got syphilis yeah down on the sidelines yeah yeah yeah no teeth yeah you're a god chris yeah

you're an alehouse whore yes I would believe absolutely absolutely yes so I would be there I'd quite like it it'd be a little fun activity that we could do I'm not saying that we could join we haven't got time

yeah we haven't got time I'd love to I mean I've seen it happen when I did that that time crashes thing for channel 4 and they did an actual joust I wonder if you can still watch that somewhere

they did an actual joust and the horses get hang on a minute riled up. Hang on a minute. Right. Something's just happened. What?

You mentioning time crushers Yeah. has just reminded me that there was people on that set who do that as a hobby and I think that's rank.

So no I don't think I would like it. I've changed my full mind. I don't know what you're talking about. Didn't you say that there was people who just did it in their spare time

and they were kind of extras? Yeah, it'll have been exactly... This guy we're talking about might have even been there the day I did it. Okay, well, maybe I don't like it, actually. Because I remember when that happened, I always thought, oh, God. I mean, there were a bunch of bellends,

I'll be genuinely honest with you. No, there were. Were there actually bellends? Yeah. What do you mean? Because I've got no respect for that hobby. Don't get us wrong, I'd love a turn of a joust I reckon it would hurt like fuck

I remember you telling me how seriously they took it so seriously that's what made me remember and go oh didn't they take it really seriously didn't they get annoyed

sometimes yeah because I was taking the piss because you were taking the piss I cut out so much of me fucking about on that show

I came across quite well I remember leaving going I'm going to look like a cunt on telly here show I came across quite well I remember leaving going I'm gonna I couldn't tell you and I came across quite well because they cut it all out but by the end

I think they were the first two days the castle and the jousting was the first two days and then by the end I sort of got on board I had a journey you did have a little journey

I had a journey by the end I was sleeping in holes and that and scruffy I don't think watching anyway it should be on the telly somewhere but I don't know it is one of them things

I'm just thinking more about the people who do it not the should be on the telly somewhere but I don't know it is one of them things I'm just thinking more about the people who do it not the actual activity itself the people who do it yeah I think people who've got time for a massive hobby like a part of their life

I don't think I'd get along with them it's like this thing we're watching at the minute on we're watching it so somebody recommended it to me

on the job that I was doing last week it's called The Vow used to be on Netflix it's on Prime now I to me on the job that I was doing last week. It's called The Vow. The Vow. It used to be on Netflix. It's on Prime now. I had to buy it. Yeah.

But I was just desperate to watch it. Cod's still out of commission, so I got that bill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about a cult and it's just very interesting, but it just makes you go, how much time you've got on your hands.

Yeah, yeah. It's always just, people have got too much time. Join a cult? Fuck me. I can't just, I mean. I mean, Chris, I'm not even a member of a gym because I haven't got time. Join a cult? Fuck me. I can't just, I mean... I mean, Chris, I can't...

I'm not even a member of a gym because I haven't got time. I just... Cult. I mean, we've had a go at people for having too much time on their hands religiously on this podcast, but the fact that you're jealous

that you haven't got time to join a cult is utterly fucking ridiculous. I would quite like it. I haven't got time to join a cult. I haven't joined a gym. Fucking hell, man. Do you know what I mean? Eh, what? Drink the poison lemonade and die. I haven't got time to join a cult I haven't joined a gym fucking hell man do you know what I mean what

drink the poison lemonade and die I'd love to have the space in me diary you lucky bastard you what it's dead interesting

but the part of this cult they go play volleyball at three o'clock in the morning oh yeah well to be fair to be fair if you've always wanted to join a cult Rose and you haven't done it yet

the fact that your card's blocked you'll probably fucking do it now because you use my card to get in how much is it a month oh yeah he has my husband's card yeah that's where they finally i'll join that cult i was always wanting to join that's where they get you you got to do the modules and that you got to learn about it mine we are watching it it is very interesting and obviously you know i do feel sorry for the people involved but i say straight away they just talk they just talk a load of bullshit they talk bollocks it's for intelligent people who love the sound

of their own voice who just use words like politicians just words that don't make any sense they go round and round the circle and they all smile

and nod at each other going that's brilliant it's just a big self-serving self-gratifying circle circle jerk it is a circle jerk what happened

as soon as I watched it and as soon as we started the show every cult show everything the cult was this the cult was that oh it was about helping each other it was about empowering no it's not It is a circle joke. What happened, as soon as I watched it, and as soon as we started the show, every cult show, everything, the cult was this, the cult was that, oh, it was about helping each other,

it was about empowering women. No, it's not. It is about the cult leader's tiddler. It's always about his tiddler. Always about the tiddler. I said straight away, and when the guy came on... By tiddler, we mean cock. He's cock, yeah.

Keith, he's called, by the way. Yeah, Keith. How a bloke called Keith is starting a cult. Who's following a bloke called Keith? No offence to anyone, but come on, join the cult. Who's the leader?ke called Keith? No offence to anyone but come on join the cult. Who's the leader?

Oh Keith. Oh yeah Keith. The Tyler. The fuck's going on? And then as soon as I saw his face I went and spat his tiddler.

And you actually went and you went what do you mean? I went the whole thing will be because he wants to fuck loads of people. It's always because the cult leader

wants to shag loads of people. Oh there's a new weird religion starting because that bloke wants to get his dick wet. That's the only reason it's happening. Every single time. It's never a woman wanting to get fingered, is it?

It's always, you're totally right. Nah, you're totally right. Always about the bloke's tiddler. Listen, 99 times out of 10, it's always about... Keith's tiddler. You're all right, welcome to the cult. I'm Keith. you're all right welcome to the court

I'm Keith I'm going to say that we're going to learn how to be better people at this court but actually I just want to get my dick wet and I'm going to teach you

some grouting thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed we love that you come back every week. And yeah, thank you, as always. And we are part of the Acast Creator Network. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nearly forgot to say it. Bloody Acast. No, I bloody got there. Love them. Love them. We are part of the Acast Creator Network and happy to be there. Thank you, as always, for sending all your stuff in. ShaggedMarriedAnnoyed at gmail.com if you want to.

And we'll be back in the years next week. See you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.