Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 186. Kegs full of Kaka

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie chat bingo, holidays and what happens if you have a bathroom accident in ASDA. There's a quiz devised especially for Rosie and the QFTP's are particularly filthy! Expect stories of swingers, underwear, icks and getting caught in the act! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmarananoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and him, Christopher Ramsey.

And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. And him. The cat's da. The cat's da. The cat's mother. No one ever says that. The cat's mother. No, everyone says the cat's mother, but no one says the cat's dad. I mean, you might be onto something there. Thank you.

I've never heard of something. Who's that? Who's that? The cat's father? Yeah. Yeah. It's weird though. Blokes don't... Where does the cat's mother thing come from? So if you're talking about someone, but you're not really...

You're just saying he or she or whatever, and they go, have you talked about me? Cat's mother? Something like that. Like who's she? The cat's mother? Yeah.

Right. I don't... Chris, honestly. I don't think blokes really get that bothered by being referred to as he. Or maybe they've just never had to endure that. Ah, right. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, don't get me started. I'm privileged. Oh, God. Look, don't burn your bra. There's smoke alarms in here. They never actually did burn their bras. No? No.

What did I watch? What did I watch? I watched something recently where they were talking about the burning of bras and feminism and they didn't actually burn their bras because they didn't feminism and they weren't they didn't actually burn their bras because um they weren't allowed they weren't allowed feminists didn't burn their bras because a bloke told them not to there we go basically i'm gonna google it now right you ready

they didn't burn their bras did feminists burn their bras i don't know great so me telling you wasn't enough was it you had to nah I'll tell you what you're a woman you get your facts mixed up and stuff you're so bad

at telling stories I didn't watch it it was on the Dolly Parton podcast which was brilliant by the way I've just finished listening to it

well you know what it is I'm going to take your word for it it's not that I didn't believe you I just wanted a bit more I wanted a bit more into it but you know fair enough are you 100% certain

that they didn't burn the bras that one specific do so you're not claiming do what was that main one when they all they were meant to burn their bras

but they didn't burn their bras are they the burning bra do I think it was listen I'm going to sound horrific so that's not apparently no I've just

I've just quickly looked apparently yeah no one brought a lighter so they all got there and they went hey it's all ready right away whack them out

get them off thwunk bras off right who's got the light? You are joking me. Oh, Katmul,

that's so forgetful. She forgot it. Who's it? Eugene Katmul. Very good. Let's start. Oh, wonderful.

Welcome back to Shag Mary. Listen, if you're just tuning in, right? You know how it is. Don't expect facts. Don't expect anything to be accurate and don't expect to give more than half a shit

about anything we start talking about. But this is us. This is why here. The brains are like pinballs. It will whiz off into something else and we've got a very exciting episode coming up because I've done a quiz for Rosie. Right, what is this quiz? You don't even know what it's about yet. So what happened to Rosie's

jotters? I've misplaced Rosie's jotters. He's lost me jotters! So I had a bit of a tidy out. It lasted I've misplaced Rosie's jotters he's lost me jotters so I had a bit of a tidy out last one week one week you did that feature for I'm gonna try and find them

I'm gonna try because we'll sit down to do the podcast right and I go oh what am I gonna do and then you go where's the jotters and I go

I don't know where they are but we've got to do the podcast now so I will set aside don't you ever slag me off though for my features because they have lasted time the length of time oh fuck me I don't know stood the test of time Flag me off, though, for my features, because they have lasted time.

The length of time. Oh, fuck me. I don't know. Stood the test of time, Jimmy. Stood the test of time. Fucking hell. Do you see why I Googled the bra thing now? Do you see why I can't trust anything that comes out your fucking mouth? Jesus, there's millions of people listening to this.

Stood the test of time. That is such a well-known phrase. Honestly. God almighty. I'm not very well. No? Went to Bongo B bingo didn't I at the weekend

and I've just overdone myself overexerted myself and I'm still in the bins coughing my face all the time you coughed in my face today

that was actually a genuine accident it was awful so your mum was at one side of the kitchen island and you were on the side bit and I was at the other side and instead of coughing

in your mum's face you turned and forgot I was there and just belched coughed just barked all over me face i was like what the actual fuck is going on well it was one of them that you can't hold in so when i was putting rave to bed last night i was sitting with him and you know when you've got one of them coughs and you're like trying to stifle it and you go like um like someone being interviewed on the telly during covid who needed to cough. Oh, yeah. Yeah. One of them ones.

Just cough, man. It's fucking, you can still cough, you twat. Jesus. Chris, it was a good solid year and a half when you literally weren't allowed to cough. Like, I'd rather shit myself in the street

than cough. Seriously, though. What would you rather done? Had a coffin fit in the middle of Asda or just shit your pants during Covid I'd have shit my pants I'd 100% rather

shit myself you'd have got less you'd have got less hassle yeah yeah just chat disgusting two meters

two meters they've shit themselves there's some nappies in aisle 5 Asda yeah straight Asda best place to shit yourself they've got toilets they've got As there's some nappies in aisle five Asda yeah straight Asda best place to shit yourself

they've got toilets they've got Asda George underpants get yourself some underpants or boxer shorts get yourself some shorts get wipes

or go straight to the toilet you know do a wipe with a paper buy some baby wipes I reckon where's a bad place to shit yourself well I mean

let's have a think about that can I just before we go to the bad place to shit yourself okay no bad place to shit yourself well I mean let's have a think about that can I just before we go to the bad place to shit yourself yeah okay no bad place to shit yourself um

wedding far away where you're not staying over hmm uh probably funeral always bad place to shit yourself because it's funny

and you're not allowed to laugh yeah I suppose but I think right and I'll go on the record here right okay I think I could

hang on let's just get out the cover I'm gonna officially go on the record here right and this is a bold statement I is that the officially go on the record here right and this is a bold statement I is that the record that's the record I genuinely

hand on heart believe that I could fully ship myself in Asda and sort the entire thing out in less than five minutes what if you didn't

have your wallet well no no I'm in Asda why have I got why am I doing in Asda if I haven't got my wallet

passing through window shopping right no so I've got my store I reckon I could any in Asda why have I got what am I doing in Asda if I haven't got my wallet passing through window shopping right no so I've got my store I reckon I could any aisle in Asda like freezers

anywhere down the bakery aisle I reckon I could fully ship myself and within five minutes be back in the same spot spotlessly clean as if it never happened

this might be the worst conversation we've ever had on here and in life i just think i could i think i just i'd literally i'd say 10 minutes nah if it's an asda i've been to before and i know where the toilets are i reckon i'm just asda bolden right yeah you got you know as a bolden's a tricky one because right like a lot of the supermarkets there's an escalator going up

but not going down yeah to the other side they're different because you know why they do that so you walk through the supermarket

sneaky little sneak stairs yeah I couldn't do it in Shields Asda because you've got it's not a travel aid that I go up to the toilet at the cafe

it's steps steps are a lift I think the steps would fuck us yeah yeah with kegs full of caca. Anyway, look. This is still the intro, by the way.

I was like, let's stop this comment. Yeah, no, no, we're not. I'm going to tell you something else. This is still the intro as well. But I've just remembered. Have I ever told you? Kegs full of caca. Kegs full of caca.

Honestly, I would call this episode kegs full of caca honestly I would call this episode Kegs full of caca if I if I was if I knew other podcasters wouldn't look at the charts and go there they are

there they are again fuck them there they are again top of the charts what's the result called this week something off my finger no no

it's kegs full of caca great great ruling the podcast charts no hey I don't care let's call it kegs full of caca honestly who cares I'm past caring what other people think yeah I suppose podcast charts no hey I don't care let's call it cakes full of caca honestly

who cares I'm past caring what other people think yeah I suppose genuinely it's a good way to live but listen to this I don't think

I've told someone this idea and I don't think I've told you this so a friend of mine who is a MMA fighter who used to no he's not UFC

not famous or anything but he's a guy I trained with him a few times really nice guy Alex yeah Alex from Shields Alex Elland from Shields he's a guy, I trained with him a few times, really nice guy. Alex? Yeah, Alex. From Shields?

Alex Ellon from Shields. He's a SBG trainer. Yeah, okay, fair enough. I take my laugh back. I thought you were talking about... He's Black Belt Brazilian. Yeah, no, he's brilliant. He's brilliant.

He was Cage Warriors champion. Yes. He told me once, I don't know if I've told you this, and I've told somebody today, he, when he was cutting weight for a fight, he was literally hardly eating anything, just eating little shitty little bags of salad.

And he obviously couldn't eat anything sweet, and he little bags of salad and he obviously couldn't eat anything sweet and he couldn't eat bread and he couldn't eat cakes and stuff like that and he told me that he just sometimes used to go and walk to the Morrison's bakery

and just stand sniffing for like 20 minutes and then go home yeah I've done that before just in the bakery aisle just unbelievable innit

do you know Zac Efron came out recently and said that you know when he did Baywatch and he looked amazing looked unbelievable he said it literally

put him into depression wow yeah wow really I think it might be like for mental health or something he did an interview

or something it might not be for mental health because he might be in a bit like oh it's not really I'm not really how I bag

yeah don't get muscly it makes you sad sorry that's kind of the opposite of our magazine sorry zach please take that back sorry sorry mate we're trying to sell fucking protein bars here will you shut up but basically because you had to be so healthy and he was taking tablets where they they drink like draw the water from your body um and yeah he just got really really depressed and really sad god food is life yeah it's not for everyone it's looking like that it's not for everyone it can't be fun whenever i see someone who looks rippling and amazing i think

i'm glad you're happy and fair play but i'm happy having a stuffed crust margarita same same babes i've just had two of them toffee crisp biscuits. Oh, them are naughty. So I never knew they were toffee crisp biscuits, they're in the cupboard. But an amazing thing happened. You were claiming, whinging that you hadn't done any exercise recently while opening your second toffee crisp biscuit.

A little moment in the kitchen just before. Enjoyed that very much. I'm the only one who hasn't had any biscuits. I just haven't done any exercise. I just, these are good but i still haven't done any exercise any of them left honestly get yourself over a walk down to morrison's get yourself that big rail have a good bloody good sniff come back

you'll feel right as rain unless I'm there and I've cacked myself in which case don't sniff don't sniff walk through the bike ride as fast as you can

you'll be done in 10 minutes nutmeg Morrison's nutmeg damn right we've all got it now listen guys this is possibly one of the longest

interviews we've done in recent memory but you know what when you're having a good chat what's the point in cutting it short it is episode exactly exactly it is episode... Exactly!

Exact effronly. It is episode 186. Thank you for coming. Thank you for joining us. Like when we were born? Yeah. No, 1986. Well, 186.

No, nothing. Okay. Jesus. Yeah. No, it's not. It's 186. It's got two of the digits of the year we were born. Anyway, without further ado,

it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. And you think, listen, you think we scraped the barrel with kegs full of caca. You were wrong. There's lower to go because this week's lucrative, lucrative. How low can you go? How low can you go? This week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is Split Piss. What is Split Piss? Hey, hey there fella

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it misses the toilet it goes on the wall it goes on the back of the toilet oh my god where's it going to go everywhere except the toilet why split piss what's it got to do with sex and the wall it goes on the back of the toilet oh my god where's it gonna go everywhere except the toilet

why split piss what's it got to do with sex and masturbation so this is the best thing so as I was coming up with this sorry

as I was getting the email from this sponsor come on I thought you might not know what split piss is I've got no idea what split piss is so the touch on it

the only time I've ever seen it touched on in popular culture is me myself and Irene the Jim Carrey film with René Zellweger and in that he's obviously got a split personality and he wakes up in the morning after spending the night

in the hotel and he has a wee and it's this amazing shot where the camera's behind him and he has a wee and his wee goes up, it's exaggerated it goes up and hits the mirror on the wall and he starts trying to get in the toilet he jumps in the shower curtain, classic Jim Car uh shenanigans and he shouts to irene and he says irene why do i why am i peeing like i've been up all night having sex and it's spit

piss so it's if there's still some stuff around there i don't think this is talked about often enough if there's still bits of stuff around the edge there maybe little bits of dried little bits of little fellas it basically yeah and it basically you know when you put your stuff around the edge there. Maybe little bits of dried, little bits of little fellas. It basically... Blocks a little. Yeah, and it basically... You know when you put your thumb over the edge of a hose? Oh, this is gross.

This is disgusting. Split pace. Why? Have we not talked about this before? I had a... Honestly, as I was in contact with this company, talking about it, I did think,

I don't think Rosie knows what this is. What's the slogan do they have a slogan I hate to put you on the spot but I feel like if you did get an email from

them you should be at the bottom no no I've got it I've got the slogan right here it's going everywhere there's nothing you can do

split pace there actually is nothing you can do because you can't stop and you can't like I mean I know what you could do

what have a little wash right no going still no no it's not that you haven't had a mean I know what you could do what have a little wash right no going still no no it's not that you haven't had a wash it can happen after washes still some

some like sort of stays in there and then comes out a bit oh god there's one all the crevices and creases yeah but there's one surefire way to sort it

which is just full belly flop onto the toilet bowl crotch first right yeah yeah just full just in it drop yourself into the toilet

so for this week are we going to go with what's it cat carrying your keg or split piss look honestly it is a rich

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I agree I agree would you like to hear one's jingle? Yes. Please play the jingle. Here we go. Split bass.

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We can't sit it in the podcast charts calling that. It's not fair. It's happening. Right. Cakes full of caca. It's full of caca. Down River CEO, happy place. Cakes full of caca. It's full of caca. Dive River CEO, happy place. Cakes full of caca.

Personally, I'm happy with that. How are you? I'm spot on, mate. I'm really, really happy. Yeah, I hope you're all all right out there. I hope you're having a lovely little time, whatever you're doing. How are you, Rosie?

Apart from whinging about being ill. Apart from being a bit ill, because Rave keeps coughing on us. I'm so excited because I'm going on holiday tomorrow. We are recording this a day early because you are gallivanting, shirking your responsibilities, leaving two helpless children alone.

Don't. With me. Don't. I feel terrible about it. You should. It's disgusting. No, I won't this time tomorrow. But right now, I feel horrendous. And you're sitting on the I won't I won't this time tomorrow but right now

I feel horrendous sitting on the bloody sun lounger thinking you're class I know isn't it sad though that when you have children it's as if you die

your person dies what do you mean because before I had the kids I would never have felt guilty about going on holiday that doesn't mean you've died

you lunatic no I feel like I've died why how do you feel because I feel so bad about going I'm excited I'm happy about going

but at the same time 80% of us feels so guilty about leaving us and I know it's ridiculous is that not just the sort of

low key gaslighting I've been doing to really make you feel bad and not enjoy yourself for leaving is it not just that no do you know what actually listen

I don't praise you much right because you used to do that because why would you why would i fucking hear you um i don't think it should be much praise in a marriage i think it should be quite stifled and over anyway so smothering and suffocating and negative definitely yeah of course you're normally really gaslighting right right wow no i know what i'm not i know i'm taking the piss you've been really really, really good. Yeah. Really positive.

And you're genuinely like, they're going to be fine. Everything's fine. Don't worry. Which makes us more excited. Yeah. But, you know, I still feel bad. Well, listen, it's going to be absolutely fine. Right?

It's going to be great. Mine are going for three nights. Exactly. You're going to have a lovely little time. And like I've told you, it's much easier when you're not here for me. Because it's just me and the two kids. You need to stop saying that. I've told you, it's one less person you're not here for me. Because it's just me and the two kids. You need to stop saying that. I've told you, it's one less person to run around after. Oh, you do not run around after me. You, when you sit down on a night, it's like some kind of endurance to see how long you can sit in the same spot and not move while I run around and get stuff.

Are you taking the piss? I handed you a packet of ibuprofen the other day. Yeah. And you had it in your hand. And you looked at it and you did that horrible shitty puppy face you do and you went, could you not have

got them out for me? I did do that, yeah. I mean, it was half a joke. It was half a joke. You naff off. I think we're both, to be honest with you, I think we're both

just as bad as each other. Once one of us sat down and the other one's up, it's like, while you're up. It's almost like, this is a really niche reference, but it's like playing squash

with someone who's amazing at squash. They can plant their feet in the middle and hit the ball around and you run around like a twat. I think everybody does it. Squash, squash reference there for anyone listening. Might become a squash guy soon,

you never know. I did enjoy squash back in the day. I loved squash. I like the name of squish. Squish squash. Squish squash. We should do we should do some sports

together Chris can you do sports together no one one no I think we'd both find it a bit strange and I think we'd find it weird for no reason couples who do sports together

couples who go running together fucking fair play to you but I feel like we would find it strange and think we're a bit naff for doing it I don't know because we do everything else together

exactly yeah it's weird that we work together don't you think it is yeah right take that back because everyone's going to be listening going you two Because we do everything else together. Exactly, yeah. It's weird that we work together, don't you think? It is, yeah. Right, take that back because everyone's going to be listening and going, you two spend every living moment together.

Okay, well, I reckon that's probably why we think it would be weird then, yeah, so you're hitting me on the head. I'm not taking it back. I don't think it's weird. I've decided it's weird. I would love to play badminton with the love of my life.

Can you remember that time when we went outside on the lawn once and just passed a ball to each other for like 20 minutes? Oh, yeah. Remember? Just threw a ball at each other like an American dad and his son playing catch. That was actually quite nice. Where were the kids?

In bed. They were in bed. I think we only had Robin and Robin was in bed and we went and stood on the lawn and just threw a tennis ball at each other for ages. Were we all right then? I don't know. I think it was a moment.

Something happened the other day. What was it? Well, you're going to get this because you've worked in shops, right? Anybody listening who works in shops is going to get this. Or maybe it's all different now and I'm just a sad act, right?

Went to a shopping centre the other day and I was in a clothes shop and there was a girl who worked there and I think she might have been a manager. She was really lovely. She wanted to get a picture with us because I think she listened to the podcast, right? And really lovely. She wanted to get a picture with us because she must, I think she listened to the podcast, right? And I was like,

oh my gosh, absolutely. Are you sure it's not because you were shoplifting again? No. A la Superdrug that time. The buzzer did go off when I left and I was mortified.

Get a photo of the shoplifter. I pretend I'm a fan but I know she's a thief. Yeah. Obviously, I think she was. My first thought, and this is sometimes, you know,

when you go, why is my brain, why does my brain do things like this? My first thought when I is sometimes you know when you go why is my brain why does my brain do things like this my first thought when I left the shop was like how she got her phone

on the shop floor you're such a dick why she got her phone on the shop floor and she was chewing gum has it all completely gone downhill I would never have been

allowed to have a phone on the shop floor I was asking the attendant for a size 12 and she got on the shop floor I was asking the attendant for a size 12 and she got a text message while I was asking for it

I will never shop in this shop again that was disgusting that's me angry angry woman

in the shop that's like an evil Disney character that's P.Y. Karen P.Y. Karen voice I just found it really weird I was like, I'm your manager. That's Puyo Karen. Puyo Karen voice. I just found it really weird. I was like,

how have you got your phone on the shop floor? She must have been a manager. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah. Or she was just smuggling her phone in. Or it's all gone to shit. Or it's all gone to shit. I was in Morrison's the other day

and I was getting served by, do you ever, are you ever served by, you know when you're bag by... Do you ever... Are you ever served by... You know when you're bagging your own stuff up? Are you ever served by a cashier where you think they are just deliberately trying to fucking give you a panic attack by how fast they hoi the shit down?

She was like, beep, beep, beep. I was flying out, and I looked up, I went, fucking hell, mate. I was like, you're giving us a panic attack here. I just started laughing. And then a mate on the other table was like, I'm faster than her. And I went, well, I'm glad it's not you serving us.

And then the one serving us just kept beep, beep, beeping. And a mate went, you know who you're serving, don't you? And she went, no. And she went, Chris Ramsey. And she went, who? And they started having the, I was mortified, right? They were having the loudest conversation where she was basically reading me CV

to the woman serving us. So all, and she didn't stop. She was the woman serving us. So all, and she didn't stop. She was, beep, beep. He's what? Beep. Ever seen it?

Beep. Don't watch it? Beep. A pod what? A cast? What's a pod? Beep. And it was fucking,

honestly, it was like a fucking. You would not have caught well in that situation. It was like a nightmare. It was like, you know, you're turning up

at work naked nightmare. It was worse than that and I've just wanted to go, you fucking shut up. I think I'd rather have that than the interaction. I think we named Ebby ebby supermarket this was in the big tesco right special seems to be also there seems to be a little all of them all of them um the interaction i had which you know like it was lush because i wasn't in i was in quite a good mood but do you

ever get the cashier when you're putting this stuff through and they want everything that you bought i do like that oh i've been oh i've been looking at this yes i've seen them come in and every single thing you're like you are not gonna have any money i was gonna say yeah i've got two opinions on that either the fucking staff discount's amazing or like she'll go home and her family are like you've done you've done again you've spent it all before you get it or I think which I really like to believe that she doesn't want it at all

but she's just really trying to make you feel great about your purchases right at the end oh that's nice and I think that's imagine that level of customer service

where you go like I thought honestly this woman should have bought like the most fucking hideous dressing gown in the world but I told her it was lush because I just wanted

to make her feel good that's nice I've lost the cord off my dressing gown the cord the tie the gown. The cord? The tie. The belt. Oh, what?

The belt. Right, the belt. Whatever. The cord or the tie? What do you call them? The fucking belt. The belt. All right, Jesus.

I didn't know it was specific. Well, it's definitely not a cord. What? Is it not? No, a cord's like your bathroom light. All right, fair enough. A cord. I've lost it.

And a tie goes round your neck. Oh, God. Why? You're such a prick. Would you just... You knew what I meant. Look, I just can't... I can't...

I'm quite pedantic. I can't have someone say that. Right, well, I've lost the belt off my dressing gown. There we go. Because do you know if you went, I've lost the cord off my dressing gown, and I went, oh, yeah, and we kept going,

it would live in my head for the rest of the podcast, i'd have a bad record and then you'd go at the end you'd close it's a belt you're listening to show me which is now part of the aircast create network it's a belt by the way oh god oh i thought i was gonna burst by the way i had no no hate or anything against the ladies and morrisons i had a lovely interaction with them but it was just so strange that she was just shouting her CV over. Just shouting it across, my CV over. Gotta do what gets you through the day.

Hey, look, as long as people are nice, I couldn't do it. Hey, I remember when I worked at the gadget shop and, oh, what was his name again? He was in Big Brother. He was a Geordie. He was in Big Brother at the time. Anthony.

No, the other guy. Anthony. Was he called Gary? No. Was it the guy who did the breakdancing? No, that was... That no that was that was Anthony that was Anthony it wasn't him

okay anyway there was another it was earlier than that I think really there was a Geordie guy he was on Big Brother loved him

can't remember his name now he came in the shop I could have died literally I thought I was going to die I was just like I can't believe he's in this shop so I get it

what did he buy don't think he bought anything I think he was just like, I can't believe he's in this shop. So I get it. What did he buy? Don't think he bought anything. I think he was just looking around. Sad. What was his name? Dave? Wow.

It wasn't Craig. It wasn't Jodie. No one cares anymore. So I've lost my bongo bingo virginity. Yes, yes. We all know. We all saw your fucking Instagram stories. I saw them when you made me watch them back when you got in.

Because I had to watch them back because I was very aware that I'd put them on and that was shit-faced. And I had that, the beer fear. Oh, you've always got the fear. Earlier than you would think because you think you get the next morning but I got it when I got in and went,

what the fuck have I said? So I had to watch them. Yeah. And I hadn't said anything really bad. And they were okay-ish, you know, for whatever. And I just had a really good night,

but it didn't start off well. Right. The night did not start off well, and I haven't told you this. Okay. It's not a terrible thing. Is it me? Is there something I did?

No, no, no. Gosh, no. Me and Angela and Steph were in the queue. Like, we're mates, because it was Grace's birthday. She was inside and they had a table just keep saying names

we don't know go on just keep just keep doing it at least Carl Hutchinson is cemented as a friend of the podcast Angela and Steph aren't they're my two very best friends

sort of I mean as far as comedy capers go they don't really have it in the bank Steph was singing at the stack in Seaburn someone stopped by

and said are you Stephanie Adams Rosie Ramsey's friend and she went yes wow and she said it was really fucking weird right she went Rosie would you pack it in because people

are stopping us and they don't like it I said I'm sorry just roll with it okay so it was another person's birthday it was Grace's birthday right fair enough she was a friend of mine alright it was her birthday so we were in the queue you're her birthday okay so we were in the queue

you don't mind in your yeah well i mean i don't know you sound like a dude we were in the queue waiting to get in and um the search your bag and everything because i think because the queues for the drinks are really long so i think people take in drinks and anyway the search your bag it's all a bit intense okay we got one guy and he was asking people for ID before us. Yeah. And obviously, you know, I'm 36, I haven't been ID'd for years. Uh-huh. But he stopped me, right? He stopped me and he went, girls, girls, girls, no, hang on, hang on.

And I said, looked at we're all individually. Uh-huh. Up and down. Uh-huh. Faces. Uh-huh. And then he went, no, actually, he's all right. So he was going to so he was IDing everyone Chris it was a good

it was a good five second interaction of girls girls hang on hang on no he's alright actually I was like are you sorry stop there girls

stop there ID girls ID yeah thanks girls cheers go on there stop there girls girls ID yeah yeah great stop there girls girls ID yeah yeah great

yeah oh cool oh yeah happy birthday happy birthday yes today there you go ID girls

I mean old slags go on in straight in come on get in there straight in do not pass go do not collect your

ID it was so grim I was like mate mate just don't ask when they're first place. I've made an error here. Haggard, haggard women. It was the up and down looking that got us.

And it was the, he'd spent a lot longer on my faces than he did. And I was just like, all right. Do you know who I'm imagining? I'm imagining Paul Whitehouse from Kevin, no, Kevin, yeah. But when he plays the doorman in Kevin and Perry go large on the door of the Ibiza club

sorry girls no monsters it's his mirror your faces offend more mirror it's the fucking harshest thing

basically it's the harshest thing but yeah he's basically done that to you so that's great and he is he is my hero and if he's out there

thank you because that's just given me so much joy but we had a good night it was really good but obviously you know you play bingo during it don't you

so it is actually a game of bingo it is actually there's like six games of bingo wow during the night do you take a dabber

no you get a pen when you go in oh I know oh that is there will be people who dabber do you know everyone

stands on the benches yeah so as soon as you get there as soon as the first song comes on everyone everyone stands on the benches? Yeah. So as soon as you get there, as soon as the first song comes on, everyone's stood on the bench. I'm terrified of heights. So I had a hold of Steph's,

like, she had a dungaree dress thing on. So I had a hold of that all night until I was pissed and then I was fine. But there was one part when they were dancing on the stage

and the people had a dance off, but everyone was stood on the benches so you couldn't see. And I was like, if yous all sat down, everyone would be able to see. Oh God, you're fun. No, I know, but you know when you I was like if yous all sat down everyone would be able to see oh god hey

you're fun no I know but you know when you just like if yous all stopped bloody shouting we'd be able to hear the numbers no

do you know I last got a tits out at quarter past eight that's why it's funny that it's quarter past eight it was so early it was so early

you got tits out before the water came. Honestly, Chris, I was like, we'd only been there for like 45 minutes and I was like, what is this?

I mean, if you're getting your tits out at a quarter past eight, what are you doing at midnight? Mate. Fanning on a policeman's hat. Oh, God, yeah. By midnight,

you've got your fanny on a policeman's hat. You're in a riot van. Yeah. That was good fun. Steph was desperate to win the Hoover because you could win

like a Henry Hoover. Sorry, was this definitely a bongo bingo or did you just call it a social club? No, well, that's our next plan. We're actually going to start going out in social clubs again because they are the better nights out. Cheap drinks, bigger measures.

You get your own seat. You can take snacks in. You can take snacks in and you can watch a turn and then you can do the bingo and you might win. And then, I'm sick of this whole...

You don't stick your tabs anymore either. You don't stick your tabs, no. I'm sick of staying out late. Because everyone was laughing at us because obviously I was like, I'm never clubbing and then I was like, bongo bingo at one o'clock in the morning

but that's a different thing. Got you. But I just want to go out at seven o'clock and I want to be home by half eleven. Nice. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

And I think that's a social club night. Nice. Do it. That's my plan. Anyway. mean? Yeah. And I think that's a social club night. Nice. Do it. That's my plan. Anyway. Just give up. Just die. It's all good.

I'll get ready and I'll get dressed. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers

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Join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. challenge.ca that's sunrise challenge.ca okay rosie it is time it is that time of the episode that i've been teasing and hinting people are on the edge of their seats you've mentioned it once it's time no it's not i've i've bedded it out throughout you haven't and if everyone out there if you forgot what i'm talking about because

i probably only have mentioned once it's time for the quiz that i've written for you what is it about it's a parenting phrase quiz right right all right basically we've said a couple of things recently and we've said i'll overcome my parents i was seeing these phrases yeah right these classic phrases like your parents said they used to fucking irritate the shit out of you right i've got 10 scenarios coming at you here and i'm to see if you can give me the appropriate parenting phrase for this scenario. Oh, okay. Okay? Scenario one, are you ready?

Mm-hmm. This is going to be quite quick. Play along if you can at home. This is going to be quite quick I'm firing at you, okay? Are you ready? Yeah. You're a parent.

Your life is as it is now. You've got Ralph and you've got Rob and they're going to come up in certain things, right? Okay. Number one. You come into the house. All of the doors are open.

What do you say is this a barn you have half a point were you born in a barn or a field were you born in a yeah okay that can be a warm up one

because that was fucking shocking right I get them now okay okay you know I'm not I don't remember scenes very well no come on man right

number two Robin wants to do something because his mate's doing it. Oh, would you jump off a cliff if you did? Correct. Correct. Okay. Question three.

Rafe wants the heating on, but he's only wearing a T-shirt. Put a jumper on, Rafe. There I go. A little shit. Robin and... No, question four. Robin and Rafe are fighting,

both claiming that the other one started it. Oh. Come on. There's people screaming it. Oh. Right. Well, it was one of yours.

No. Disgusting. I don't know. No, he started it. No, he started it. No, he started it. I don't care who started it. I'm going to finish it.

There it is. There it is right there. Question five. Robin looks at you and says, I'm hungry. I'm mom. finish it there it is there it is right there question five Robin looks at you and says I'm hungry I'm mam nice to meet you

boom smashed it there it is number six we're on our way home and the kids ask if we can stop and get food somewhere

I've made tea nah nah close oh nah do you give up it's not a Friday

nah wow your mam had some classic catchphrases I don't know what this one is there's plenty food in the fridge that fucking fridge there wasn't number 7 the kids are annoyed

this one doesn't really apply because everyone's got tablets and stuff and they can go and do their own thing but the kids are annoyed that we are watching something that they want to watch on the TV. What do you say? It's my TV. Close. You can watch your own TV when you get your own house. That's it. There it is. Either that or you can pay the bills.

Well done. Number eight. Robin has eaten four bagels in one day and is on his way to eat a fifth. What do you say? You greedy little cunt. Ha ha ha! to eat a fifth, what do you say? You greedy little cunt, put the bagels back. Again, again,

your mum had some incredible phrases. You greedy little cunt, put the bagels back. You'll bong yourself up, you'll not shite, you'll not shite for a week. What is that? You'll turn into a bagel.

You'll turn into a bagel, if you turn into a bagel if you have any more. Okay, number nine. Penultimate question. You go into Robin's room. There is more than one light on. You having a disco? Close. What's it like?

It's like Blackpool Illuminations in here. Excellent. Number 10. You go into Rafe's room and there aren't enough lights on. Come on. No, I don't know. You go into Robin's room, it's too bright, there's too many lights, it's like black blue illuminations. You go into Rafe's room, it's too dark.

No, no, come on, close. I don't know. It's like the black hole of Calcutta in here. Black hole of Calcutta. Why did they used to say that? What is the Blackwall of Calcutta? I googled it while I was doing this quiz. I googled the Blackwall of Calcutta.

It's a fucking dungeon. It's a dungeon that they used to put prisoners of war in. Is it? It's fucking like 18th century or something. It's fucking horrible. It's like a really small, horrible room. It's like 14 feet wide or something. That was said a lot in my childhood. The Blackwall of Calcutta. It's always the Blackth century or something. It's fucking horrible. It's like a really small, horrible room, like 14 feet wide. I've said a lot in my childhood. It's always a black hole at Calcutta.

Honestly. So there we go. You did well there. You basically, I think you got about eight or seven out of ten. Well done. That was a good quiz. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that.

Well done, you. Well played. Well played. How's Robin after he ate them five people? Bloated. He's so stodgy. He's bloated. He's not in a good way.

Complexion's terrible. Sweating. Sweating a lot. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef.

Beefy, beefy, beef, beef, beef, beef, beefy. You first or me first? Me first. Go on then. You filled a form out recently for the kids. Yeah. Can't remember if it was

the doctors or the school. I'm not too sure. You filled it out. You filled a form out recently for the kids. Yeah. Can't remember if it was for the doctors or the school. I'm not too sure. But you filled it out. You were filling it out as the dad. You know, all that kind of stuff. I checked it, just double checked it before you were going to hand it in. You put my phone number down. Yeah.

Instead of yours. Yeah, I don't like putting mine. That is such a dickhead move. Relationship. Literally, this is what it was. Christopher Ramsey address. Yeah, I don't like that one. That is such a dickhead move. Relationship, literally, this is what it was, Christopher Ramsey address,

relationship with a child, father, phone number. Oh, that'll be my phone number there, actually.

So if you ring, it won't be Christopher answering the phone, it'll be me. Look, I'm his father, yes, that's my

relationship, but look, if you want anything you want to talk about, speak to the secretary. Don't speak to me, speak to the secretary. This is me relationship. I'm in there. But look, if you want anything you want to talk about, speak to the secretary. Don't speak to me. Speak to the secretary.

This is me pay year. I'm not for it. I'm not for it. I just spotted, I was like, that's not my number. Do you remember doing that? Do I remember doing it?

I do it on everything I fill out. Rosie, I've just bought something online. Your number went in. I didn't put mine in. That's why I get so much shit. Yeah. I'm't put mine in. That's why I get so much shit. Yeah.

I'm not putting mine in. No chance. I'm constantly getting messages like, oh, Dave, what is it? The bloody, the driving license. Oh, your driving license is going to run out in a day. Unless you click on this link. You've got 10 days.

It's good, though, because they go, you've got 10 days to confirm your information or we're going to burn your driving license. Next day, you've got nine days. And you go, because they go, you've got 10 days to confirm your information or we're going to burn your driving licence. Next day, you've got nine days. And you go, oh,

well, they're fucking looking count like. No, they're very persistent. Oh, yeah, yeah.

But my driving licence still works. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because this was about a month ago. What would you do

if you hadn't clicked that link and then on the day someone knocked on your door and went, driving licence, please. Do you know what though?

Took it off, cut it up in front of you. Annoyingly, you can't tell the scam from the non-scam. You can't. And sometimes, there has been things and they're like, this please you know what though cut it up in front of you annoyingly you can't tell the scam from the non-scam and and sometimes there has been things and they're like we we told you mrs ramsey i'm like oh i thought that was bullshit i phoned my bank recently on a number in my phone that i always phone me bank on and they asked us some questions i was like should i be telling you this you fucking phoned us you prick just they'll never

ask for a pin number they never ask for a pin they'll never ask you to transfer money into a different account always remember that my beef with you is uh so at the moment we only have one baby seat for rave i think we either you haven't ordered another one it's my job is it it's my job is it it's your phone number and all the fucking forms. You do it. You don't have many jobs, right? I've got loads of jobs. Listen, bins, recycling, recycling bins, refuse bins.

Honestly. Green bins. You're a prick. Listen to me. It's not about that, right? This just sets up the story, right? We've only got one car seat for Rafe, so when we had Robin,

we had one in each car. We don't mean the first world problem. It's just because we've got two cars and because we just live sometimes a manic sort of life as everybody does and it's easier to have double car seats yeah yeah definitely so basically i gave one i think to your mom and i've never got it back so my basically if it was too little for it yeah so if i take yours out too big because he's a beast it's all in bloody bagels the kids are eating um so if i've got to basically swap them across. So sometimes I'll just

use your car, right? And I'll go, I'm just going to use your car. The other day, I got your car keys and I said, I'm going to use your car today to take the baby into school

and to drop Rafe off. Is that all right? And you said, yes. Mind you, Chris, there's a bottle of Robin's piss in me car. Casey didn't catch that, ladies and gentlemen, and everyone listening.

She said, there's a bottle of Robin's piss in my car. Been there overnight. You'll have to get rid of it. Obviously, I had a few questions. I said, what do you mean? She said, well, the other day, what was it, The traffic lights or something or the car, the car park?

Sometimes he needs, sometimes he's desperate for a wee and he can't wee. So he just pisses in a bottle. I don't see what the problem is. Never in my car. I've never let our son

piss in a bottle. Probably too scared to ask you. Fucking animal. I'll just let him out. I'll let him out and have a piss. He's a child. Children piss anyway.

That's the greatest thing about being a kid. On the A19? Alright, Robin, here you go, son. Have a piss on the A19, will you? Eh? At least you'll die with an empty bladder. He's never that desperate, man. Just get him to talk about something else and he forgets.

He needs a talk. He shouldn't hold you when he's in. But listen. Or he farts or your cat goes. Cags full of cags. Listen, the point is to drive your car, because obviously you know me I was never going to leave it there I was never going to

I was never going to transport a bottle of piss around the northeast in my defence it was a cold night this was the other night when it got bitter all of a sudden

oh yeah so it was lovely and chilled the piss the next morning yeah great well that's what I thought because if it had been hot I'd have been like I should probably empty that

yeah awful I had to go and empty our child's piss where did you put it just on the flowers and then I had to put it in the I had to put and empty our child's piss where did you put it just on the flowers and then I had to put it

in the I had to put the bottle in the recycling bin known full well that some poor fucker's gonna get that recycled bottle

and there was remnants of our child's piss in it yeah well what happens to them though they get washed in that don't they

anyway stop letting one two points to this beef stop letting the kids piss in bottles it's weird

it's like a lawless fucking wasteland when I'm not around two if they do piss in a bottle dispose of the own piss yourself please i forgot about it and uh stop telling us what to do with my own car pay for that car myself you can go yourself stop using my car buy it in the car seat listen i'm busy because it's in my this is why i don't give a about the car seat because it's it's normally always in mine okay because it's you who didn't

bother order another one so you can move it it grows so fast shit about the car seat because it's normally always in mine. Right, okay. Because it's you who didn't bother ordering another one. So you can move it. It grows so fast, man. Like, why am I buying it? It's a waste of bloody money, man. It's how fucking expensive car seats are. The amount of Lego you own, Chris, and you are mourning a car seat for our child.

That is a lifetime of fun for both children, right? And me, and adults, and everyone alike, right? Enjoyment. This is a car seat where it grows an inch. There's fucking 100 and odd quid gone down the everyone alike, right? Enjoyment. This is a car seat where it grows an inch. There's fucking 100 and odd quid gone down the shitter, right? So pack it in. They are expensive. They are.

Just do what Mama does and put them on two pillows every now and again. Bubble wrap, bubble wrap, bit of tape and a seatbelt. It's not a long drive. I'm like, Mom, that's completely not legal. They'll be fine. Oh, here we are. Back in 1903. Different times, wasn't it?

Different times. Simpler times. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for... What? What? Oh, what was the thing? You always forget.

What was my tune? Was it not I Hate You So Much Right Now? No, I did a different one. You changed it again. Oh, that's so disgusting. That's so disgusting. That was it. It's Ix and she hasn't, you know,

you said earlier on that all your stuff stood the test of time, but you can't even keep a fucking jingle right, so whatevs. But people are enjoying the Ix. Yeah, I love the Ix. So good. A lot of tweety-roos.

Come on then. People saying they're enjoying the Ix. Get straight into it, because every fucking week I say how much I enjoy the Ix and I just do. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I once had a boyfriend who didn't like my cooking because he couldn't handle eating vegetables

unless they were cut up into tiny, tiny pieces. Just how his mum did them. I once cooked the bolognese and he ended up vomiting because the vegetables were too big at about one centimetre. Oh, mate. What made it an even bigger ick, see, this is where I get the ick, was that he threw up in the sink rather than the toilet.

Needless to say, it wasn't long before I dumped him. Oh, that is, yeah. There's nothing more castrating than being like, these veggies aren't tiny like mummy does. Yeah. Yeah. One more. These are quite specific icks, but I quite like them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My ick. My ex-boyfriend got glasses for the first time and wore them longer than the optician recommended and he was sick in a bin at Jesmond Metro Station. Ick. There's so much in that.

So, right. So he got glasses. He got glasses for the first time but he wore them longer than the optician recommended and he was sick in a bin probably supposed to ease himself i've never heard of that but he's supposed to somehow ease himself

into the glasses but he didn't he was buzzing with his new glasses so much and he's walking around so maybe they were for close-up stuff but he's just walking around with them on looking at signs in the distance and stuff and he got motion sickness and had to be sitting in a bin at a metro station. It's fucking incredible. I could just see him facing the bin, being sick and her standing there going, I told you! I told you to take them off! You've had them on too long!

You should never have tried to catch that ball in the park! They're just some nice little specific ones. I love specifics. I'll go more generic next time. I love specifics. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public, public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch with your wonderful, wonderful input,

please email shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Hi, guys. When it was mine and my partner's first Christmas together, I had no idea what to buy him. I rang his mum for advice and she said, I love the Minion aftershave, I'm going to buy him that. Instantly, my vagina shriveled. I thought, how can my handsome, six foot two, rugged man

wear aftershave made probably for kids featuring little yellow things? The Minion aftershave? The Minion aftershave. I thought to myself little yellow things. The minion aftershave. The minion aftershave. I thought to myself, let's see how it goes if he wears it. I'm going to have to sack him off. It's mortifying. Christmas Day, I felt sick. I thought this is my first and last Christmas with him.

Turns out, I had misheard. It was One Million by Paco Rabanne. Vagina untriveled, and we've been together for eight years. Thank you, Paco Rabanne. Mini laughter. Do you know what it smells like? Bananas. Bananas.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. Just thought you'd like to know that my recent out of office stated that I was on anal leave. Have a wonderful day. Oh, that's fucking lovely. The best kind of leave there is. I love that.

Anal leave. You know, there's been protests and stuff because anal leave isn't there. It's unpaid and they want it to be paid. What do you mean? I'm joking.

Oh, sorry. I'm too busy. I'm looking for the next one. I tap out. Can you hear my throat? My voice is going. Oh, what am I going too busy. I'm looking for the next one. I tap out. Can you hear my throat? My voice is going. Oh, what am I going to do on me holiday? Why don't you go on holiday and make it better?

How am I going to talk and get pissed and be loud and horrible? One thing about me holiday. One of the girls is not a morning. She's already put in the group chat. She's like, I'm not a morning person because the flight's dead early. She's like, don't talk to us and then the other one's like yeah me neither

I was like oh I get dead excited and I'm really good in the morning so I'll like literally be up ahead so I'll not sit next to either of you don't talk

who fuck sorry who the fuck do they think they are we've got an early morning flight but don't speak to me because it's oh well

fucking stay at home then I know I know these women I'm going to have a go at them next time I see them because that is the fuck do they think I know they're specific like when Prince

like when Prince used to turn up at fucking charity events and all these fucking entourage would tell people not to look them in the eye is that true? well it's like a thing of big stars

and it like you know the only purple M&M's in their fucking dressing room and don't look them in the eye it is a thing. Robin O'Brien, our producer for the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show,

which feels like a lifetime ago, by the way. I've got another series coming. Holy shit, I know, but it just feels so long ago. So long.

She did me purple skittles and honestly, it was really good to the point where I'm like, I want that next time. I can't believe she did that. I know, I love her. Fucking head,

absolute head kiss. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Always. I have a sexual ick story for you. Yeah.

I'm confident it's going to make you both cringe. Get in. I started seeing a guy and I fancied the absolute pants off him, but the first time we slept together, it all went wrong. We were on his bed, him on top, kissing and groping, and I was getting very turned on, but then he starts undressing me, pulls off my jeans, then goes for my underwear. During our hot fumble, my vagina had taken the signal and gotten well and truly, sorry for the use of the word, moist.

I knew she was going to say moist. Sodden, I would have said. Ugh. Sodden. Yak. As he pulled off my underwear, he saw that the gusset of my thong was damp. And he made a little excited noise, like his favourite treat had been put in front of him, and proceeded to lick slash suck my underwear while making intense eye contact with me.

It was as if my vagina immediately slammed shut and I found him instantly repulsive. I broke up with him a few days later. It's been 15 years and I still should have thinking about it. Oh, that's really upset me. That's really upset me. You're not a thong licker. No. I can just imagine that some blokes think that that's sexy.

Yeah. It's not. No. Imagine me sucking on your underwear. No. Imagine me getting your legs off and then sucking where your cock dribbles have been. How dare you accuse me of cock dribbles? You've seen cock dribbles.

You've got cock dribbles. How dare you accuse me of cock dribbles? I've seen them. you've got cock dribbles. How dare you accuse me of cock dribbles? I've seen them. I've seen them when you've come back to bed out of the bathroom. You've got cock dribbles all over the place. You're disgusting. Don't lie to me. Cock dribbles.

Get out of my... Oh, what's going on this episode? This is mucky, mucky, mucky, mucky. I love it though. There's been all kinds of horrible lists going on. So yeah, it's not very nice, is it? No. It's horrible, the idea of him just doing it.

But I don't know, it's really strange, isn't it? Because in the throes of passion, you can't just go, mate, no. Like, you've ruined everything. I mean, you could. If you were married, you could. But on the first thing, you're just like, oh, so she just had to bless her. She just had to grin and bear it. Yeah.

That probably cost her an orgasm, grin and bear it that probably cost her an orgasm that yeah that probably cost her an orgasm babadoo babadoo babadoo bah dear Chris and Rosie

a question from the public or equally a Rosie's mystery for Chris to guess oh let's do a mysteries let's do a mysteries you'll never guess it I will guess it

I have listened since the first episode and have been plugging up the courage to email in and I'm ready do And I'm ready. Do it. I'm ready. Good.

This is the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. Wow. Please keep me anonymous because although I have drunkenly told people this, I have never divulged the full details. The summer before I went to university, I decided to go on a bit of a Tinder rampage. Being from a small town, I had slim pickings in the area and had to resort to further afield i matched with a guy who lived half an hour away and he came to pick me up so we would go so we could go have a few drinks and get to know each other we went to

weatherspoons because that's pure class to an 18 year old and after a few drinks we walked back to his car so he could drive me home nice the car was parked in a reasonably secluded car park Nice. Asked? It's just manners. Asked? Well, like, we suckers off right still asking a question it's just

I don't think I don't think the words have ever left me lips I think you just gotta wait for it to happen what I think you just

gotta wait for it to happen see if it's gonna happen not just like I formally request a blowjob right well then you are you're of a small

minority of men really because the amount of monkey horrible lads that I've had dalliances with who are like so rough

and I'm like oh no I will not I won't I think it's a confident thing I think you're probably extremely confident to say that

this is when I will grab my trainers and leave actually got you wow yeah I think lasses will agree with that

okay never had to say that very strange alright cutting over not had to that was the wrong I'd be mortified because obviously it's sort of an open question kind of like Never had to say that. Very strange. All right, Catanova. Not had to. That was the wrong way. I'd be mortified.

Because obviously it's sort of an open question, kind of like, oh, it's a closed question. Yes, I know. No. You were in a relationship for a very long time, though, weren't you? Yeah. From being quite young. Yeah.

You've always been in relationships. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. Still, though. Suck us off, please. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Look at this bit of paper. See what's written on it? You suck us off. Tick the box. Yes, I'll tick the box. Yes, yeah. Yeah. Look at this bit of paper. See what's written on it? You suck us off. Tick the box, yes. I'll tick the box. No one hand it back. I love that. It's cool.

Right. Now, I'd never done that before and was absolutely bricking it, but I had to appear cool and confident, so I agreed. He undoes his flies and reveals his penis and I begin to do what you do. Now, I can't imagine I'm

doing an amazing job but a gal was trying. When all of a sudden there was a knock at the window. Fantastic. Who was it? Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Okay, so secluded car park, no one there. I'm guessing it can't be policemen because that's quite, well because you said I'd never get it and that's quite obvious. Okay. So it's got to be, it can't be policeman because that's quite well because you said i'd never get it and that's quite obvious okay um so it's got to be it can't be like it's someone from the pub if they forgot something no they won't but is it it's someone they know it's someone they know it's someone he knows or she knows dad or mom or his brother it's it's it's a relative of him. It's one of his relatives, is my guess. Right, okay. Okay.

When all of a sudden, there was a knock at the window. Who was it? It was his nan and grandad, who were out for a late night dog walk. They'd recognised his car and saw him in the driver's seat. The best. Obviously, my head was out of view, and they decided to come and say hello. Now, you can imagine that's embarrassing enough, but it gets worse. Oh, so much worse.

Oh, no. The shock of the knock at the window meant I jumped in fright and as a reflex, bit down onto this poor boy's penis. Oh, no. Cue screaming, blood, tears, mainly mine, and me being sat at A&E with his nan rubbing my back, telling me it was an accident, and I'm sure it happens all the time. Nan rubbing her back!

She's rubbing her back! He and his grandparents very kindly took me home, and the boy never spoke to me again I'm fucking amazed oh why do I imagine something like that happening in my family I can imagine

my I don't know my nana or my mum being sad and then but I can imagine them the next or my mam being sad. But I can imagine them the next day going, he'll never guess what happened last night. And I'm like, what? We saw the car and I've been in here all night with the last issues of life.

I doubt that story has ever been told by the grandparents. I think they would take that out of their fucking graves. Do you think? Abso-fucking-lutely. You're from a very different family thanutely. That's the kind of... You're from a very different family than I am. That's the difference. Well, I mean, our kids have got...

Our kids have got... We're still doing this when we're grandparents. You'll never guess it. I was in bloody A&E all night. Bloody, I saw our grandson. Bloody girlfriend. Bloody snapped the end of his todger off with her teeth. Bloody waiting.

Waiting time's in A&E now. a now shocking aren't they shocking oh bless her door that's i just or i can see it in her head in my head i can see the nana sitting the grandas obviously went in with them because he's the bloke and the nana's sitting just rubbing her back just it's just rubbing her back it's all right there and then in that image she's sitting there and she's got like a thousand yard stair while the nana rubs her back and like a vampire she's got a little bit of blood running down the side of her mouth

who the last of the guys did oh god it says here at the end hope you found this story funny and read this out as my boyfriend of four years listened

and would actually die laughing knowing it was me fucking so good so there you go thank you for that wow thank you babadoo babadoo babadoo dear Chris and Rosie hope you're both well we are actually Laughing, knowing it was me. Fucking so good. So there you go. Thank you for that. Wow. Thank you.

Dear Chris and Rosie, hope you're both well. We are, actually. This could be... Rosie's got a bit of a cold, whatever that she's whinging on about, but sorry, she's got a holiday to go on. I'll sort it right out. Do you know what it is? It's funny how a holiday could help you get over a cold.

Although I do plan on drinking quite a lot. Well, there we go. You're so jealous of me holiday. No, I'm really looking forward to a little bit of time in the house on my own. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because actually, what we forgot to bypass is that Chris is very much palming the kids off for the entirety.

For one night. For one night. The entirety. Fuck off. Two full days and one night while I'm not here. Poor Sandra. Eh? Single.

Alone. Sandra has the two kids on her own. She's got no better day, right? I've got stuff to do, man. I'm busy. You're a dick. You're such a dick. I'm busy. You're going on holiday right I've got stuff to do man I'm busy you're a dick you're such a dick I'm busy

you're going on holiday I'm only having one night I'm going on holiday I deliberately chose the days when Robin's at school and when we've done the podcast so I was like right well Chris can have the kids

because Chris isn't on tour which he has been for the entirety of her life and I was like Chris I'll have the kids literally bombed them off for one night for one out of the four nights

two full days two full days my mum's picking them up at nine o'clock tomorrow morning what my mum oh the baby he doesn't count

the baby doesn't count I hope they never listen to this boys if you're listening in years to come I love you so much more than life itself and mummy needed a holiday

lads I love you as well but you know that because I'm the one who was always here while she was galloping no no boys mammy's friend

mammy's friend's got a villa and we're going to stay there so it hasn't cost us a penny actually just the flights I'm taking hand luggage so I haven't even had to pay for that for that which is a nightmare by the way

hand luggage oh fuck hand luggage who who gets excited about hand luggage really pisses me off I don't think anyone gets excited about hand luggage no people do people when they're like we're just taking hand luggage who gets excited about hand luggage really pisses me off I don't think anyone gets excited about hand luggage

no people do people when they're like we're just taking hand luggage why why can you not wait half an hour

for your bag you lose half an hour of your holiday you lose half an hour what if they lose your cases well there is always that worry

hand luggage man I just can't be dealing with all the little potions that's what I mean I've had to decant loads of shit and then I've just

checked the website and you can only take a bag full of stuff 20 centimetres I'm knackered is toothpaste a liquid yes great

counts as a liquid yes well I'll not be brushing my teeth for three nights well the lucky lucky friends you're going to be talking to drunk

leaning right in leaning right in and breath's got to be away. I would like to, but I miss the kids. I don't know. The kids. Smell that. I miss the kids.

Did you bring any toothpaste? Because it's a liquid. Can you buy it here? How much is Portuguese toothpaste? Does it taste Portuguese? It tastes different. It tastes different. How much does Portuguese taste like? Does it taste Portuguese?

It tastes different. Do you remember when you were a kid? And like, because my mum and dad were like, we're not taking it. Don't you dare put any conditioner in your suitcase, right? Do you remember when you'd go on holiday? And I remember me and my sister just talking so much about how different Spanish shampoo and conditioner is.

As if we'd never, just literally like, have you smelled the shampoo? Have you tried the Spanish shampoo and conditioner? Eh, ma'am? Eh, ma'am? It's so different. We're talking the same brand. you bought the same brand over there exactly the same we used to use Timothee a lot and yeah

but it was just like I never should have had Spanish exactly the same brand but totally different feel wow and then when you had to leave it there that was sad that was sad that was sad like waving. Yeah. That was sad. That was sad. That was sad. Like waving goodbye

to a holiday of romance. Add us on Facebook. Bye. Did I tell you the time that we took your Lilo's home? You took your Lilo's home. You may have mentioned this. You made me take a Lilo home.

Did I? Yeah. The year before, the year, you know, when I was announced on announced on strictly on the one show and then i came and met yous in roads and we bought that lilo that had the net it was like it was amazing lilo so it was like it was the outer yeah the outside of a lilo but not like

a donut it was like like the framework of a lilo but with a net instead of a middle bit so it was like almost a lilo hammock yeah it's incredible but yeah you made us bring it back i remember i brought it back i thought why i argued and argued and argued with you. Why the fuck am I bringing this back? I'll never use it. You said, yes, you will.

And I remember throwing it away out of a cupboard a few years later and it had never been, it still fucking had some pool water from roads in it. I know. I do remember that.

You might have been right. Yeah. What did you do with your lilos that you brought home? Oh, God knows. Just don't think my mum could pay to spend money on something

and then leave them there. I think we wanted to take them as well. A big thing in the 90s was someone buying a bodyboard over there and bringing the bodyboard home. Was it? There was always a bodyboard on the baggage collection. Oh, God. There was always a bodyboard with a fucking wolf on it or something.

This could be a Rosie's Mysteries. Another one. Oh, my God. Loving it. Please keep us anonymous as we don't have pampas grass in the front garden. Right. Episode 176. It's a swing. Another one. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Loving it. Please keep us anonymous as we don't have pampas grass in the front garden. Right.

Episode 176. It's a swingers thing. We've listened to the podcast from the beginning and find Chris's issues with the admin involved in swingers, threesomes, etc.

Hilarious. Thank you. So we felt that we had to share this story with you. We have been a happily married swinging couple for a number of years now.

Oh, okay. And often frequent swingers clubs up and down the country always nice to have an email from the perverts you see all kinds of things and meet all kinds of interesting people from all walks of life great and you get a bit of a shock as well i didn't know exactly i love that like honestly it's just the banter and we meet loads of people and you honestly and you get your cock sucked and you get like spunked on strangers

I mean I mean chat the strangers give over man stop giving it large that it's because you like meeting new people you like fucking strangers

right we've had many funny experiences great but nothing quite prepared us for what happened to us at our local club

on New Year's Eve 2021. Local club. Local club. Bottom of the road. The local swingers club. The usual, Maureen. Yes, the usual. Yes.

Fucking hell. Let me start by saying that there are many urban myths in the swinging lifestyle as there are in normal life. And if this hadn't actually happened to us we would not have believed it okay i just want to state here thank you so much for sending this in and we are completely taking the piss yeah i'm totally but they knew i would mockingly judge them they knew this because they know me issue this is 36 year old what if we get 56 what if we decide that we're gonna swing do you know have you ever heard of soft swinging no apparently I've been listening to her podcast

and she's it's a podcast it's really good actually it's called it's called Under the Influence with Joe Piazza it's all about

like kind of talking about mummy like vloggers and everything it's really interesting I'm on the second series and she was talking about how

in the in the world of Instagram there's like loads of mormon and mummy bloggers. Okay. And they're the ones who do loads of wives? I think so, yeah. And apparently, something's come out that one of them and their husband have been soft swinging for years.

Soft swinging. So soft swinging is everything except penetration. And now everyone's like, who are you being soft swinging with? And she's like, oh, they're mummy influencers. Soft swinging. So just basically

four player swinging. Yeah, fingering and all that. The worst bits. Some might say the best bits. Depends what you like. Right, okay. Jesus. So anyway,

so there's a whole world out there, Chris. But what if you end up with, so do the soft swingers end up at the real swingers party? And then at the last minute, they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I'm a softie. I'm a softie.

Maybe. I'm a softie. Look at the badge. Look at the badge. Look at the badge I've got on. You want to be over there, man. You want to be over there with the women. I think they've got different bands on.

Different colour bands. Different colour bands, yeah. Yeah. A swingers club is much like a normal vanilla club in as much as you genuinely have a bar, dance floor and a seating area. But with the addition of large beds, playrooms, oh yes, and the occasional dungeon. Fuck.

Black all of Calcutta. We were in the bar of the swingers club and started chatting to this, what we thought was a single guy. He was very good looking and we were getting on quite well. He then asked if we would like to meet his wife. Why not, we thought. Right. So off we went to the quiet seating area.

He introduced us to his wife, who was also quite an attractive lady. That always helps, doesn't it, surely? I suppose, yeah. Come on. If you're in it for that game, then yeah, 100%. I think you are. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Although they did claim that it was meeting interesting people,

so I'm starting to see holes in their bullshit already. They didn't say we met his wife, who was also interesting and funny. But ugly. Yeah, they said we met his wife who was attractive, so you're full of fucking shit. We chatted for a short while and then she very casually introduced

us to the couple who were sitting to her right who had turned out to be no her mum and dad her mum and dad motherfuckers I didn't mean that needless to say a sixsome with two generations

of the same family was more admin than we could even handle that's horrendous lots of love your friendly neighbourhood swingers oh god well I mean

yeah oh I know imagine no I can't I can't believe that that's true

well I mean I can but oh god oh sad isn't it oh do you think they're just so comfortable oh god oh sad isn't it oh do you think they're just so

comfortable at the swingers club that their mum and dad might not even be swingers they've just brought them along because that's where they go for New Year's Eve but they can't swing

with her parents surely I don't know separate not enough cocks to go around love go to a different swingers club

go on a different night it's the local one as well. Chris, they do it in porn all the time. What are you talking about? I don't think those people in porn are even related. I'm starting to think they look nothing like each other. I know. They're from different parts of the country.

It's weird. Different accents. Social services want to get involved in the porn industry because they might have bloody stepped far as they were just shagging people left, right and centre. They want to crack down here like tell you what the amount of people

who sleep through people having sex in porn is ridiculous do you know what really fucks me off about porn right what I'm really fucking sick of

this thing this thing now like as you say this whole thing of like it's all step mother and step sister and all this it's this thing this incest you say, this whole thing of like, it's all stepmother and stepsister and all this, it's this thing, this incest porn, right?

Sometimes you don't care about the story. You don't care about what part they're playing. It's just a fit woman. And you think, all right, I'll watch that one. And then you get in like the algorithm or someone somewhere watching what you do on the internet, they'll go, oh, well you're one of the incest stuff. You go, no, no, no, no, it's just a fit.

I wasn't buying into the story. That just happened to be what the video was called I was like oh yeah look at this oh the share of bathroom I was like oh the share of towel

look at that oh fuck's sake oh fun thank you so much for listening to this week's kegs for the cagge also known as shag my annoyed which is part of the Acast Creator Network.

We have got all of it there. Kegsville of Kaka is part of the Acast Creator Network. And again, I must double down on how proud they must be to have us. We're doing an off-shot podcast called Kegsville of Kaka. Guys, thank you so much for listening. If you want to get in touch, shagmoudanoid at gmail.com. We'll be back in years next week. I've had a bloody good laugh this week.

We'll hope you have as well me too Chris bye more than you enjoy your holiday you pastime parent sayonara horrible

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