Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 187. Born to Fight

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

On this week's podcast there's some singing, misplaced chewing gum, stripper stories and a new (and improved?) name for a glove compartment. All of this plus beefs, icks and some smelly QFTP's. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marginoid with me, Rosemary Ramsey, and my husband, who doesn't have any sort of exotic name, Christopher.

That was absolutely pathetic. I couldn't think of a better... Rosemary Ramsey. I think you'll find I've got Christopher. I think, yeah. It's not exotic, though. What did I mean? Like, just a differentiation. Differentiation? Anyway. Different.

Welcome back to the podcast. Thanks so much for listening. No, no, no, no, no. Let's not thanks. Let's notiation? Anyway. Different. Welcome back to the podcast. Thanks so much for listening. No, no, no, no, no. Let's not thanks. Let's not thanks so much for listening. Let's thanks for... The fact that you think that rosemary is exotic is ridiculous. Biblical.

Is it? Maybe. For fuck's sake. I've talked about before how you buy all... If somebody's got rosemary and there's a sign with rosemary on it, you will just buy it. I will, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaking of biblical, when are we going to get our child christened? What? Which child? The youngest one. What? He's not christened?

I'm sure I've been, I went to a christened recently, I was doing stuff. It wasn't his. I keep seeing kids who are younger than him being christened, like actual babies.

He's going to be nine by the time we get round to it. Do we need him to be christened? His brother is. I can't have one. I can't have one going to the pearly gates and the other one not.

Right, the other one. Just like, yeah. Couldn't Robin not get Rafe in on a plus one? I don't know. I don't know how much pull he's going to have. What's his job going to be?

I don't know. Who's he going to know? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see. God knows. God knows. Look, I'm just going to... You're right.

God does know. God does know, but I'm just going to... You're right. God does know. God does know, but I'm going to have to change the fire. Explain to everyone what I'm doing. What are you doing? I don't know what you're doing. Oh, we've come into a room with a fire because we're not putting the heating on.

I refuse! Chris keeps talking about how there's just random toilets being heated with nobody in them and it's really upsetting him. And they put the price when are the prices actually going up

have they gone up yet as with everyone else I'm terrified I've got some house shoes now so I found a pair of trainers that were quite clean on the bottom they were in my cupboard

I found them were quite clean on the bottom I was like right they're my house shoes now even better than slippers because you can put a thick pair of socks on put them on

lace them up well it's just absolutely the amount that it's shooting up is, I can't believe it. It's horrendous. Well, hope you're all all right out there and hope everyone's, you know, managing to get through it and stuff.

Do you know something that might make everyone a little bit cross? What? Not cross, just a bit jealous. So my sister and her husband, Kate and Michael, Michael told Kate last year, well, didn't tell her,

but he sorts out all the heating, so he was like, look, put them on a fixed rate. And Kate at the time was like, why? It was a bit more expensive and she was like what's the point in that what you done that now best thing ever and they're on a fixed rate yeah because they say for the next two well why would you do the podcast here for take the stuff to their house true i oh that's the sort of she works from home she actually has a blanket on her right not only on a fixed rate you fucking you walk around in a dressing gown,

left, right and centre as well. Really good. It's got the, honestly, temperature has dropped. Yeah. Something to do about gusts of wind from somewhere. I did watch the, it was on the weather the other day. Hello, my name is Rosemary, exotic, Ramsey. Welcome to my meteorological weather-based TED Talk.

So it's cold because of, I did read it, because of gusts of wind and that's some way. No, right, okay. Thanks for coming, everyone. Thanks for coming, everyone. No, Chris. Put a couple of quid in me little heating jar on the way out so I can put my radiators on

I watched the weather report the other day and the guy was like look the temperature's dropping there was a there was a weirdly there was a tropical storm

somewhere in America but then the wind from that storm has gone up to the the cold country upstairs and then that gust of wind stop

that gust of wind is coming to us stop talking it's gone you know what's really fucking annoying what's really annoying everyone knows what I mean

everyone listening to this who is a fan of you knows what you mean by it's gone to the cold country upstairs what is it it's gone up to the North Pole

the Arctic yes that's the South the North right then it's gone up there and then it's come so it's gone up there hot right it's a hot wind up there it's gone there it's gone cold, then it's gone up there. And then it's come... So it's gone up there. Hot, right?

It's a hot wind up there. It's gone there. It's gone cold and then it's coming down to us. Right. But when I saw it on the weather, do you know the first thing I thought? What? I can talk about that.

Right. To anyone. To anyone who's like, the temperature's dropped, I'm going to go, it's from America. No, no, don't. It was hot there. Do us a favour.

Do us a favour. Look, this is a safe space. I love you. People listening love you. Don't be... Don't be... I've you people listening love you don't be don't be I've already done it once I've only done it once don't be subjecting

strangers out in public to that fucking gobbledygook right because you will a van will pull up and take you away you will be locked up

stop it don't hey it's got a bit cool eh well funny you should say that mate because there was a hot there was a hot wind, right? And it went upstairs. To the cold country upstairs.

Madam, can you please step back? Please stop talking. Honestly, Rosie, you start saying that to people in public, you're going to get pepper sprayed. Someone's going to pepper spray. Take our kids off. Someone's going to go back, back, fiend. Well, there's me thinking that one little minute of weather report

I could tell everyone. Yeah, no, no. Well, what you should have done was listened. That would have worked. I did. You gleamed it, momentarily gleamed it like you normally do. But yeah, so we've got the fire on, so I just had to quickly turn the little air thing off

and it went out. So we've got the fire on in this current room that we're in. I have no idea how them air things work. Well, you let more air in the fire and it burns more in god damn you in oxygen fuels a fire i'm trying to tell you that's the thing that's the thing that's the problem right you went i've got no idea how that works and i went okay i'll tell you and you went nah you went outside the sidewalk and you actually turned away you actually looked in the other direction you're're a fucking dick. God, being your teacher at school must have been horrible.

Oh, I don't know. See, I don't understand. Well, Rosemary, if you're like, eh, turns away, does so. I don't think any of them liked us, but I was good at acting like I knew what I was doing. I think that's how I got through school, you know. Winging it. Oh, blag central. Yeah, blag central.

That's why when it, so I did quite well throughout the whole of school. I was in quite top sets, right? But then it came the exams all failed miserably and I think they all went eh how did that happen

yeah I've just been cheating yeah just been cheating and lying yeah cheating and lying brilliant so yes

we got the firing because like Rosie said I don't like putting the heating on and then you go into a you know you go into like a

I don't know a room that you've never been in all day and you touch the radiator and it's fucking blasting Turn the radiators off No one's got time to trek around turning all the separate radiators off because then you forget and then you're like put a jumper on, put a pair of shoes on

And I bought the Benaduvie There we go, bought my duvet, happy days We're hats and gloves for bed Yeah, all of that stuff anyway guys hope you're all alright thank you so much for listening thank you so much

for coming back thank you so much for joining us it is episode watch out watch out what it's episode 187

bitches is that woo woo that's the sound of the police woo woo that's the sound 187

watch out is that a number for the police or something yeah do you not know what 187 is I have no idea you are the least street person or something yeah do you not know what 187 is I have no idea you are the least

street person what does it mean California Penal Code 187 is the code for murder death kill for a murder so you'll often hear rappers say

they're going to commit a 187 holy shit they're going to kill someone oh what yeah I never knew that

it says 50 cent in one of your songs when talking about his gun you meet him your destination's hell or heaven because I only bring him out for that 187 wow there's one of your songs when talking about his gun you meet him your destination's hell or heaven because I only bring him out

for that 187 wow there's me thinking is it not a kite of gun no I've just what the hell do you see what I

do you see what I live with sorry Chris just by looking at you you don't really look like you know all about Californian death codes so I'm sorry if I'm just going to

question it listen Mr. Mr. Fucking nerd. Listen. Right. It's got one of your Lego bits is it?

187. Did you find that out on Minecraft did you? I can't believe this. I'll 187 you in a minute. It's got AK. What are they called?

AK-87s. The guns. I don't count guns. AK-47s. Anyway. Yes. Wasn't that fun. God you're an idiot. This AK-47s. Anyway. Yes. Wasn't that fun.

God, you're an idiot. This is the intro, man. God, right, listen, without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Right, episode 47. This week's sponsor is, the sponsor's been in touch. Apparently I'm rambling a bit too much with the sponsors. Right.

Apparently you've got to get straight to the point, straight to what it is, straight to the slogan, in and out. Right. Okay? Yeah. We're going to have this week's sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Curryarts oh god hey they smell a bit like your curry but mainly like farts curry farts all right let's crack on curry farts sometimes make you want to curry again

if they're really important if you can get a curry for that smells so much like the curry you had you go oh that's actually all right. Tonight, yeah. That's all right. I'll have that again. Curry farts. I'll heat that up. From anyone else,

make you want to die. From yourself, quite comforting. You love your own brand. Yep, always. Love your own brand. I quite like the kids' farts as well. That's weird. Is it?

Okay, let's talk about that. You like the kids' farts. I just don't mind them. Robin's starting to fart like a bloke now. They do smell, but I don't mind the smell of the kids, isn't that? Is it because of mine? Probably, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind the smell of the kids, isn't that, is it because of mine?

Probably, yeah. Yeah. I don't like the smell of your farts, I'm just putting that out there. I don't like yours either. Great. But you didn't come from my vagina. No,

but I've been there, I've visited. Once in a blue moon. Mate, you and everyone else in shields. Alright, that's right. Got one of them little ticket machines,

you take a ticket and you wait. Like Dixon's. Like a pork shop. very much like a pork shop I'll take you to the pork shop I'll make you like my pork chop 50 cents all over this today I forgot to tell you something I don't know whether to say it on here

brilliant just while you think whether to say it or not when I said about you wearing dressing gowns can we talk about the fact that I know it's still the intro but can we talk about the fact that the other day you's still the intro, but can we talk about the fact that

the other day you went to drop Robert off at school in some trousers that he deemed to be pyjama pants so he went berserk at you. He's so fucking sassy now. So, got a pair of joggers,

Scamp and Dude, they're lovely, right? I wear them a lot. Are the joggers available? But I've worn, I've never actually worn them in bed asleep. Right.

But I wear them, you know, up until bedtime and then I put my pyjamas on Robin was absolutely fuming that I came to drop them off at school in them pants because he was like

they're not your pyjama pants I was like they're not they're like me loungy pants he's got you literally grabbed them and like wafted them around one day

mummy you wear them for bed I was like who the fuck do you think you are I felt like saying, there's loads of people's parents drop them off in pajamas. Yeah.

What's wrong? Why can't I? It is frowned upon. It was a big thing a while ago, wasn't it? When they had the whole child thing. Onesies used to come when I worked at the nursery.

Kicked off about it, didn't it? Yeah, they used to come in onesies. I had to get it wrong. Come again, still the intro, sorry and all that,

but who cares? Chris, it's your podcast. Come which it is my podcast. It is not, it's my podcast you know what you said she said it there

did you all hear that did you all hear that can we talk about yesterday how talk about whatever you want babes Rafe was grabbing a hold of you and he was and we went

we bought you went you're so rough Rafe you're so rough and I went god yeah Rafe you're so rough why is he so rough

can you remember what Robin said no it's that reminder Robin went so dark and so strange Robin went because he was born to fight because he was born to fight

which made us laugh which in turn is probably bad we shouldn't laugh when he says stuff like that but it was really good he said something the other day which Steph was telling us

but I can't remember now so far in this intro we've had something you decided you can't say on the podcast. Do you want us to say it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know how

I went abroad last week? Yeah. I've always thought I had quite a tidy vagina, right? Like, it's not that bad. It's not like, it's quite well put away and it's nice, okay?

Don't you think? Okay, yeah. Do you agree? You married us. Was it for my vagina as well specifically just for your vagina yeah

I had to discount all of your other bad points well I put a pair of trousers on and Gemma my friend took a picture of us in these trousers

holy shit they were eating my vagina like I had the worst camel I had to go get changed you mean your vagina was eating your trousers

yes right okay the camel the hoofage of the camel was shocking. We laughed about it in the taxi to the restaurant because I did zoom in on it and I showed my other friends in the back and I said, gobble, gobble.

Brilliant. Someone's hungry. Brilliant. But I was quite upset about it. So now I've been on the Peloton two days in a row. Right, okay. My vagina's even put on weight. I didn't think that was possible.

Didn't think you could put things in. Didn't think you'd get fat lips. But here I am. I can see it. I can see like a YouTube ad for a fitness boot camp. Say, hey, it's your Fanny Fat. Well, join fanny fat's furious boot camp

well what I'm going to do flap camp so we're on a bit of a health kick so I'm going to keep that forward I'm not well I am

and then I'm going to try them trousers on in a month and see if they're any better oh yeah it's nice to have something to look forward to

goals hashtag goals brilliant brilliant well there we go well if I wasn't ready for a jingle I bloody am now

play that jingle talk about me fat vag everybody saw me fat vag god we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle

so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle jingle babadoo babadoo babadoo bab, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. Lovely to have you back. Yes, while you were listening to that jingle, Rosie did show me that photo and it wasn't as bad as you'd made out. It is bad. I'm going to blame the trousers.

Right. I'm on your side here. You have seen my vagina in the flesh, haven't you? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Numerous times.

Why do you say it like you're embarrassing me, husband? You get so embarrassed. Millions of people listening. Millions of people listening. Fucking idiot. Millions of people listening. You've got to forget. You've just got to forget about that.

Fair enough, yeah. Honestly, I forgot about that years ago. Yeah, I couldn't tell. You're about to show what I've said on here. Yeah. Jesus. Again, we've said it before when people call us and remind us

of something I said I go I can't remember I said that and I'm mortified oh same same but like want to die do you remember when you said that

about such oh Jesus thank god for Daisy our producer who does steer most of the terrible stuff and just puts it in the recycling

bin that is true thank you Daisy but yes the photo wasn't as bad as she was making out so don't worry about it I mean you stuff and just puts it in the recycling bin. That is true. Thank you, Daisy. But yes, the photo wasn't as bad as she's making out. So don't worry about it. I mean, you know what I put on Instagram. Stopping to harden yourself. Yeah, you probably will.

Stopping to harden yourself. And if you continue being hard on yourself, come to my fat fanny hoof camp. A hoof camp. Yeah, I will. I will, mate. Absolutely. So there we go.

What's been going on? Well, speaking of Instagram. Brilliant. I put something on yesterday. I put a picture on yesterday because I was getting questions from the public. will mate absolutely so there we go what's been going on well speaking of instagram brilliant um i put something on yes i put a picture on yesterday because i was getting questions from the public so i put a picture on and um the title of one of the emails was smelly moldy cum rag yes and i put another day at the office yes trying to be funny um so lots of people commented going oh my gosh terrible terrible yeah our mate tom flletcher of McFly. McFly's Tom Fletcher, yes.

He commented saying, sung to the theme of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Fucking brilliant. He's a genius. So funny. And I've decided to write some of the lyrics. Right. Do you want to hear it? Absolutely.

You ready? Yeah. Oh, should I do a posh voice? Do whatever. Yeah, yeah. Like a Von Trappy. Like, oh, ready? Yeah. Oh, should I do a posh voice? Do whatever. Yeah, yeah. Like a Von Trapp-y. Like, oh, you. Yeah.

Oh, you. Smelly, moldy, cum rag. Smelly, moldy, cum rag. We love you. And our smelly, moldy, cum rag. Smelly, moldy, cum rag. Loves us too. Near, far.

It's a cummy scarf. Oh, what a happy time we'll spend. Smelly, smelly, moldy, moldy, cum rag. Our fine, pre-woven friend. Smelly, smelly, moldy, moldy cum rag. Our fine pre-woven friend. Smelly, smelly, moldy, moldy cum rag. Our fine pre-woven friend. Smelly cum rag, smelly, smelly cum rag. Fine pre-woven.

What a dirty slag. Oh, very good. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Tom Fletcher. Yes. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that massively just now. Didn't enjoy it as much yesterday when I was trying to put a telly on the wall

and you were practicing them words nonstop when I was trying to put a telly on the wall. Did you know why I was singing it? No, you just kept doing it. And I'm literally, I've got the tape measuring the fucking spirit level out. God, it was awful. Wow. God, it was awful. But it was really good there because I could really enjoy it properly.

Thank you. So there we go. Brilliant. And I shall be telling the story of the smelly mouldy comrade I look forward so there's the hook yeah that's it don't go away

you're learning from me you're learning from me you never do any hoops I do it every fucking week every week I tease something no you don't you never tease now

are you gaslighting me no I fucking tell you who is gaslighting me you are gaslighting me you're gaslighting me you're gaslighting me speaking oh yeah everyone speaking of tellies,

do you remember what you said yesterday? Yeah. When you, when, because for some reason, you put, yeah, you put a telly on the wall and then whilst you were doing it, you were like, I'm putting this up for you. I'd ask for it to be put up. Because it was in the kitchen, your space.

Wow. Wow. That's where you live. Wow. He's really He's saying it all Sorry He's saying it all

Sorry don't cancel us I'm kidding I'm joking Oh my god Remember Remember when we were Talking about your Fanny earlier

Hey Eh Eh Great Peace and prosperity Or whatever I'm doing the I'm doing the

Star Trek hand thing It did look like that Upside down I ordered a kettlebell from Amazon yesterday. You've already got one. Should be coming... What? You've already got one.

Where? You have got a kettlebell. I've seen a kettlebell around this house. No, I don't. You've got a fucking kettlebell, I'm telling you. Do I? Yes. I've ordered a new one.

Brilliant. You've got two kettlebells now, congratulations. Well, that's good, actually, because I did want to get the set, right? So it was cheaper annoyingly to get the set but then I was like, who's going to have to carry that? Oh, because the person delivering it? Yeah, I felt a bit bad.

It's Amazon. I've often thought that. I did, I genuinely was like, I can't order four kettlebells. Yeah. Imagine someone delivering you Amazon with four kettlebells. That's not fair. I'm sure, oh bless you. No, I don't think that's not fair I'm sure oh bless you no I don't think that's fair I'm sure they've delivered

heavier stuff than that possibly I'm just going to do it on different days wow okay got prime bitch you're going to spread it over the days

yeah that's terrible just order the rest of them at the same time I know because someone will have to they could break their bloody back

yeah but the carbon and footprint and all they've got to make loads of trips and the packaging and that just do it once you lunatic oh yeah what's the matter with you god just give them a little give them a little chocolate bar Yeah, but the carbon and footprint and all, they've got to make loads of trips and the packaging and that. Just do it once, you lunatic.

Oh, yeah. What's the matter with you? God, just give them a little chocolate bar. Oh, how to make us feel bad about something I was trying to be nice about. Yeah, well, what you've done there is a catch-22. I was going to make you feel bad either way. Great. So are you going to order them all in one go?

Well, I don't need them anymore, do I? No, well, no, because you've got another one. I've got another one, yeah. What is it, though? It's fucking tiny. What poundage is it? Tiny, really small. I thought it was a paperweight when I first saw it. Oh, well, then it's not. I thought it was novelty. Oh is it though? It's fucking tiny. What poundage is it? Tiny. Really small. I thought it was a paperweight

when I first saw it. Oh well then it's not. I thought it was novelty. Oh it was a key ring. No you're taking the piss. I got a four pounder. Right okay. So I think that's quite decent.

I don't know what that means. I don't know what pounds are. What's a pound? A bag of sugar? You're taking the piss. You never used speaking like a man who's never used a kettlebell

ladies and gentlemen. Wow wow. Speaking like a woman whose first ever kettlebell shebell, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, wow. Speaking like a woman whose first ever kettlebell she's actually going to use is in the post. It's the one you had lying around because it's got the fucking tag on it.

Yeah, right. I think I bought that one from TK Maxx. Yeah. And I bought it at the beginning of a shopping trip and very, very quickly regretted

me decision of walking around with a kettlebell. I love that. Shall I order the set no I don't want to put them through what I went through

that day in TK Maxx yeah oh no get everything at TK Maxx oh I hate it when you go to flipping love it I hate it when you

go to TK Maxx why just the shit you buy it's not shit it's a lot of home sense it's awful

bloody beautiful there's so much stuff that we don't need that you just buy I haven't been for a while, actually. Cushions, prints, lamps. All of these things that make your house nice. They make your house collated.

You would live in a squalor, you. Again, I've said, no, I wouldn't live in a squalor. I wouldn't live in a squalor. As I've said again, I would live in that white bit in the Matrix where they go in and they ask for stuff. Horrible. You know, before he goes, I need guns. Lots of guns.

I don't remember it. It's just white. It's called the construct. Is it like the room that the naughty kid the pirate kid from the cowboy kid from Willy Wonka sorry the what

the cowboy kid this kid's just had four costume changes no the cowboy kid Mike he's called Mike no on

have you seen Willy Wonka in the chocolate patch you've never seen Willy Wonka in the chocolate patch no I've never seen it

you're shitting me. I've been in the vicinity while it's been on. You mean Robin watched it recently? And I was floating in and out of the room doing things. Oh my God. I've been in the vicinity while it's been on, but I haven't seen it all. Something about someone goes blue,

someone floats, someone falls in some rivers of chocolate. He gets, in my TV, I think he ends up in the telly. Right. You've never seen, you are. No. Oh, you sheltered little...

Right, can we just get to the point? What room is it? It's white. It's just like a white box. A big white box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. You've never seen Augustus Gloop?

Get sucked up the tube? No. I thought Augustus Gloop was Matilda, the kid with the cake. No, that's Bruce Bogtrotter. Right, okay. Jesus. Brucey.

Brucey. Brucey. Come on, Brucie. Honestly, never want a chocolate cake more after watching that programme. You see it in the film when he's eating it. Oh, look. I haven't seen all of Matilda either. Oh, go fuck yourself.

Wow. What did you do as a kid? Just wanked. Oh, you are. I hope your mum's listening to this she's not I know she won't she's not

she doesn't listen to it listen to one episode where she's like eee is a mad she's never listened to another one she loved the book she had so much time

on her hands she just fuck all do you remember she loved the book read the book in one day she was like crying laughing read the book in one day. She was like crying laughing. Read the book in one day.

Loved the book. It's hilarious. I was like you know we do that every week. He's a mad. He a mad you too. Done. End of review.

End of interaction. How many stars? End of consumption. Three. Three stars some funny bits. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef?

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. What is your beef? What is's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. What is your beef? What is your beef? What is my beef? What is your beef? What is my beef? What is our beef?

Do you miss the beefs? You're the one fully in control of them. I know, I just... They'll come back. Right, okay. They're all on sabbatical. Okay, good. Yes.

I'm acting. I'll leave them. So, ladies first or gentlemen first? I don't know. Do you want me to go first or do you want to go first? You go first. Okay. My beef with you, currently you keep doing it all the time and it

really, it actually, it doesn't get as mad, it upsets us. You keep picking Rafe up from a height by his hands. Right. Instead of putting your hands under his arms, you're gonna dislocate his shoulders. Right. Instead of putting your hands under his arms. Right.

You're going to dislocate his shoulders. Okay. And it really upsets us. And I keep telling you all the time, please stop picking him up. So you just pick him up

by his hands and you just drag him like up a height if you're above him. Right. Only in very certain situations. Most times I go hands under the armpits.

Nine times out of ten. It's only like at the park and stuff. But Chris. If I'm up the top of the park and you're passing him up and I can't. Oh, just lean down and get him under his armpits. You're out of ten. It's only like at the park and stuff but Chris. If I'm up the top of the park and you're passing him up and I can't. Oh just lean down

and get him under his armpits. You're going to break his arms. And when the social services come around I'll say listen he shouldn't say his dad anymore because he did this. Jesus Christ.

He did this. Right. Look alright but you've picked a serious one now. I've got a kid getting hurt so this is what am I supposed to do with this?

Because I feel like you just do it for like you think that you're being the cool dad or something and you're like picking him up oh look how strong I am

look at me I'm the best dad in the world look how strong I am and I'm like put your hands under his arm is he heavier so is he heavier if I hold my hands

is he heavier than holding him under his armpits I just feel like he's going to pop his shoulder out oh yeah it's okay and I've tried to stop doing it but sometimes I can't reach when you were passing us up I was at the top of can't reach it. When you were passing us up,

I was at the top of the slide the other day and you were passing us up, I couldn't reach to go under his armpits. And you were shouting and making a scene in the park. It didn't fucking help, by the way. Right? And then we'll put him on the slide. I'll make a scene wherever I want to make a scene.

That's my prerogative. What do you mean for me? My beef with you is, right? Oh. So, dear listeners, listen to this. My Beef With You. My Beef With You. Yes. Yn iawn. O. Felly, gofynnwyr ddarlithiol, gwelwch yma. Ar dydd, mi a fy nghywif, Rosemary, roedden ni yn y tŷ. Roedden ni yn y tŷ a roedden ni yn y tŷ a roedden ni yn y tŷ a roedden ni yn cael ychydig o sgwrs

fel rydych chi'n ei wneud, yn siarad am wahanol bethau ac roedd Rosemary wedi penderfynu mewn gwybodaeth anhygoel in her infinite wisdom that she wanted the banister. The entire banister, which is painted white, she wanted the whole thing sanded. All of the little spindles, the whole lot sanded. I said, that is a massive job, by the way. Rosie reacted back with, and I've made a note of it, you said a few things, right?

You were furious with me for an entire day. You were angry all day Sunday with me. This is actually a real argument. Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I won it, which is the most important thing. Well, pause. Listen to this, right?

So you said things like, I've written them down, how do you know it's going to be a pain to do? How do you know it's going to be your job? You've got no idea about it, right? Then you said things like i've written them down how do you know it's going to be a pain to do how do you know it's going to be your job you've got no idea about it right then you said another thing like why do you always go the negative about everything and then you said another sentence you said was it's my house too chris and then another thing you said was i don't like being told that i can't do things yeah and then the next thing you said was i'm getting it done i don't care what you see yeah the decor The decorator came today. I didn't see them all. That was throughout the day.

It was a full day of an argument. The decorator came today. Let's not talk about words. Let's just do a little impression of the noise he made when you told him you wanted the entire banister and spindles sanded.

Do the noise right now for me. Do the noise that he made. I don't know. You're going to have to do it. I'll tell you theed. Do the noise right now for me. Do the noise that he made. I don't know. You're going to have to do it. I'll tell you the noise. The exact noise he made was... Didn't go on that long. You'll notice,

as he made that noise, where was I? I was in a different room. Where was I two seconds after he made that noise? I was right next to his. I ran. I heard him make that noise.

I heard the question be asked. I heard him make that noise. I fucking sprinted through the house. I was right next to you. I ran. I heard him make that noise. I heard the question be asked. I heard him make that noise. I fucking sprinted through the house. I got right next to the decorator and I went, sorry, mate, what was that? You don't want to sand all this? You don't want to sand this down? He went, oh, no. I went, oh, no. Is it a big job? Is it a pain?

Is it a big job? Is it a pain? He went, oh, yeah, yeah. Better off getting a new banister, which is exactly one of the things I said that you were raging with us about. And I held in. Because I'm an adult, right? I held in me smugness.

I held it in. And you've waited till now. Oh, I held it in. You've waited till now. I went straight back down. I wrote on me hand. And I came through here. Oh.

Oh, I hope you feel big, do you? It was one of... I hope you feel good, do you? It was one of the greatest moments of me life yeah well personally I think he's just a lazy bastard

no I think he's right it is a big job it is a big job he's right which makes who else right does it make you right I think it makes it

no because no you were you didn't want to get it done because you didn't want the dust because, no, you were, you didn't want to get it done because you didn't want the dust and you didn't want the mess. Because it was a massive job.

So fuck. I don't care. You weren't right. You weren't right and there'll be no apology coming from me. I didn't expect it but you know,

guys, you all heard it here. You know, it's like at the end of one of them sort of Netflix or like Amazon true crime documentaries

where you hear that the person, all the terrible things they've done and it says at the end like no one's been prosecuted for the crime but you know you know that they did it and we know that you're wrong and we know that I'm right Really? Really Just watch a good documentary on Netflix if anyone's looking for something to watch

Can't remember what it's called It's about I mean like It's about a I mean, like... It's about a mother and daughter. It's Italian. Must have been fucking brilliant. No, it's Italian.

And she was a saleswoman and she sold on the shopping channel. But then her and her daughter ended up selling online, selling lottery tickets and like glasses that you put salt in and they're just totally conned. Glasses that you put salt in and they're just totally conned. Glasses that you put salt in?

A glass and you put water in with salt and then your lottery numbers would, and then people would ring and be like, me lottery numbers didn't come true. And they'd be like, you must've done it wrong. Sorry, sorry. You need to watch it. It's very good.

It's really interesting. The sold lottery tickets? No, they sold numbers. Numbers. So you'd buy the numbers numbers so you'd buy the numbers and then you'd buy the salt that you put in a glass of water

and then your lottery numbers would come true but obviously they didn't most of the time at all and so people would ring and be like

they haven't come true and they'd be like oh you must have done it wrong aren't people fucking stupid I know so they got they were in jail for a while. Yeah. Good.

It's really interesting. What's it called? I don't know. What's your lottery number? Should I Google it? I think it's good to get a recommendation. Con Women. Salt. Salt Con Women Lottery.

Was it called Salt Conwomen lottery numbers? No, it wasn't the fake heiress, it wasn't inventing Anna. Inventing Anna. Inventing Anna. Inventing Anna. Inventing Anna. Jesus, this is... Oh, Queen of TV Scams.

Brilliant. There we go. Queen of TV Scams. Not what I thought it would be called, actually. No? I thought it would be called something a bit more Italian. You just watched it! Oh, you don't look at what they're called, man.

You don't look at what they're called at. No, you don't. I thought it would be called actually no I thought it would be called something a bit more Italian you just watched it oh you don't look at what they're called man you don't look at what they're called no you don't I'm watching this good thing what's it called

nah don't look at that do I I look at all your other stuff do you like salt do you like numbers one MLK she was called great fucking bullshitter

professional bullshitters just like us Rock City you're the best fans in the league bar none Fucking bullshitter. Professional bullshitters. Just like us. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll

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That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real the devil movie of the year it's not real it's not real it's not real who said that the first omen the impeters friday gets it gets now oh you're so disgusting

come on then it's x this is possibly i think the most ridiculous ick. Ridiculous ick. Ridiculous. That I've heard yet. Yep. Right.

You just can't do any right. I swear to God. Who boys can't. Yeah. Sorry, you've been getting the ick with me recently. Oh. It's been a beef before. What, that I go...

Oh, God. Yeah, she hates it so much. Why do you keep doing this? I don't know, I just wanted a kiss off what that'll go oh god yeah she hates it so much why do you keep doing this I don't know I just wanted to kiss off you and I go like oh god she hates it so much

it's just a minging thing that blokes do to women like oh sorry but I'm not a bloke I'm your husband and I wanted to kiss off you exactly

right I didn't marry the kiss kiss man well the kiss kiss man from the strip I didn't marry him maybe you did but you didn't know it yet I feel like I have I am the kiss kiss man. Well. The kiss kiss man from the strip. I didn't marry him. Maybe you did, but you didn't know it yet.

I feel like I have. I am the kiss kiss man. Please just don't do it anymore. Yes, I can. I play the. Bum bum buh buh. See, I knew you'd get on board with it. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Please keep me anonymous. The other day day my youngest daughter was looking through some old photos that belonged to my mother-in-law. Among them she found a picture

of my mother-in-law holding my now husband straight after he'd been born. Major ick. Don't know why. Vomiting face emoji. Good.

So a photo of our own husband as a baby made her want to be sick literally the day he was born give her the egg that's ridiculous imagine him later on trying to I can't look at you I'm not fucking a baby

there's no chance I'm a brand new fresh baby I am some kind of animal? That's horrible. Could be his bright red screwed up screaming face or could be the fact of knowing where he'd just come from. He was a baby. You fucking dick. You didn't know that before. You thought

he was born a fully grown man. You moron. Get out. No, I'm not having that life. It is ridiculous. I'm not having that. Do you want to hear one more? Yes. My sexy boss drove us to a conference and proceeded... What?

My sexy boss? It's like a fucking... It's like one of them stories people used to send into the porn magazines. Got a ride off me sexy boss in his car. Well, my sexy boss drove us to a conference and proceeded to get a tea towel from the glove department

to cover his legs whilst he ate a snack. That crush ended quickly. Glove department? He had a tea towel in there. Glove,

in the, what's it, glove compartment it's called. Is she wrote department? She's wrote glove department. Ick.

Oh, she doesn't know it's a glove ick my knob just fucking packed its bags and fucking jumped on a bus yeah honestly there's nothing wrong with that that person's wrote glove department welcome to the real world love

it's called a glove compartment no I've got it back wow so he got a tita again i respect that i respect her the ick because she thought he was a sexy boss who just liked crumbs on that sexy boss with fucking love it i love sexy look at all the pastry all over his legs and he's lovely man look at that look at that mayonnaise on his knee it is no but i think the ick value is the fact that he had that in his glove department

yeah this is your tea towel just like can you pass this new tea towel you're not going to start calling it department to get on my tits because I can tell

that's what you're going to start doing I'm nipping that in the bud right now because I'm wearing sunglasses in the glove department honestly if you see it they're going straight out the window I don't care what they are yeah

I know what you mean the fact that he had it but that's the kind of thing again that's the kind of thing I do. I know. 100%. And you are the least attractive man that I've ever met. Wow.

Hold on, hold on. What about now? Oh, God! Oh, my God. Back in the room. Ick. It's time for questions from the public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch with your stories,

with anything, with your icks, it's shaggedmoudinoid at gmail.com. Thank you in advance and thank you for all the ones we've got already. They're amazing. We love you. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous. However, there would be no doubt who emailed if the person involved heard this as this can only have happened to one person

cool around 10 years ago for my hen do me and my few friends went to benidorm classy we were a group in our late 20s and early 30s so not young kids we were having an amazing time and enjoying everything benidorm has to offer on a hen do sticky Sticky Vicky and countless Buck and Broncos. Sticky Vicky? Sticky Vicky? Ping pong ball? Sure. Out of her vagina.

Sticky Vicky? Never heard of her? I'm aware of the... I thought everyone knew who Sticky Vicky was. I'm aware of the sport but I didn't know the athlete's name. I'm sure I spoke about it before.

Right. Because I'm sure I would have said that it can't just be one person. She might have like... She's franchised it. There might be a few yeah she's franchised it yeah yeah so she's you go you know you realize you can fire stuff out your vagina um you go to the you know like a big probably a big office unit that's just rented out uh loads of you come there yeah um you do a full day seminar you are trained up in the ways of Sticky Vicky and then you go off all across the Costa del Sol

and everywhere. Europe maybe. Yeah, yeah. And you do the meet and greet and it's all franchised. So the money you get each night, 20% of that goes back to the original Sticky Vicky.

Like Subway. Exactly like Subway and Domino's. Yeah. Cracking. Okay. So they're in Benidorm, right? The last night arrived and my friends

dragged me into a bar, having seen a male stripper was about to come on. Got you. The stripper walked out, all five foot of him, sporting a shoulder length wet perm and a pair of red Cuban heels to compliment his leather chaps. Okay. See, he sounds lovely.

Right. My friends all gestured to him to make it clear I was the hen and he dragged me on stage. However, before the chaps came off, he let me go and brought another of my friends onto the stage. Right. A lovely but somewhat naive girl, my friend. Oh, Jesus.

He sat her on a chair and wrapped a towel around his nether regions and her face before whipping the chaps off under the towel and throwing it out towards the screaming crowd. Okay. So he took his chaps off, but the towel is still it out towards the screaming crowd. Okay. So he's took his chaps off, but the towel is still over her face and his nether regions. So the towel is going around him

a la getting changed at the beach. Yes. But her head is also in the towel. Okay, okay, okay. We were laughing, imagining her... Awful, by the way. Awful, horrific. We were laughing, imagining her face behind that towel

with her eyes tight shut, trying her best not to make contact with his presumably, presumably wet gel pubes to match his hair. You ready for this? Yeah.

In one swift movement, he whipped the towel away. The room came to a halt and all that could be heard was a gasp from everyone in the room as we saw our friend sucking off the stripper. She slowly looked up, cock still in mouth, to the realisation that

the towel had been removed and she was in full view. She ran from the stage. Our shock turned to concern as we all tried to figure out what to say to console her. I went to the toilet to find her. She was mortified. I told her it was fine and no one really noticed. That's when she told me why she was so upset. She thought people were shocked because she had failed at making them come by the time the towel was removed. I'm a failure. I had to explain that was not the name of the game

and at no point was she ever expected to suck a stranger's cock on stage or elsewhere. What? Absolutely. What? Horrendous. That's so horrible. Everything about that is horrendous. I'm so embarrassed.

It's okay. Nobody really saw. I can't embarrassed it's okay nobody really saw I can't believe it it's alright I didn't make him come what a what a let down I've got a reputation

to uphold it was him it wasn't me it wasn't me was it no the Dyson of Durham Jesus eh fun

wow yeah awful awful but yeah awful is the only word that comes to mind I've seen his trip Durham. Hey, fun. Wow. Enjoy it. Yeah, awful. Awful. But yeah, awful is the only word that comes to mind. I've seen a stripper before,

a male stripper. Yeah. It was horrendous. Really? It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Really? Oh God.

How come? Just because it was like, I was just really shocked. Just flopping his knob about everywhere. I just got a shock. I was like, oh Jesus.

Oh right, okay. What did you think was going to happen? He was going to stand there with all his clothes on? No, I don't know. I was like oh Jesus oh right okay and then what did you think was going to happen he was going to stand there with all his clothes on no I don't know I'd never seen one before so I naively thought

that it was just like a little like a dance in that fully naked fully helicoptering fully like like oh god

it was it was absolutely the worst thing in the world right and the hen the poor hen he like rammed a banana Oh God, it was horrendous. It was absolutely the worst thing in the world. Right. And the hen, the poor hen, he like rammed a banana down her throat and I was just like, this is horrible.

Yeah. Don't ever, anyone who, I'll never ever want a stripper. I had the worst time ever. That's, nah. It's horrible. It's not my crack, like, it's not my crack at all.

I don't know, I don't know whether you're supposed to be I don't know I feel like what's weird is I feel like I defend the stripper because I feel like

you can't be too frightened and upset you've been to a strip club I've been in a strip club in my past yeah yeah yeah I have one time Rosie

you can say you've been in a strip club yeah one time but it was for you know it was for like a year oh yeah of course yeah yeah

yeah I've been to strip clubs before but I don't know I but it was for like a year. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, I've been in a strip club before, but I don't know where you have to look. I don't know where to look. I think you meant look square in the tits. Yeah, but I don't... I think it's the one place you're allowed to ogle. I feel like if you ogle too much, or I don't know,

if someone got me as a stripper for like a stag do or a birthday or something, one, I'd be devastated. Two, if I couldn't run away, if I was somehow cornered and I couldn't run away, I feel like if you're too scared and too like,

it would really offend them. But then I feel like if you're too into it, that would be terrible as well. I feel like there's no, I don't know where you would have to, I don't know how to act.

I think I would really upset myself not knowing how to act. And then in a strip club, I don't know where to look either. I feel like if you're like staring out the way, but then I feel like if you're not looking,

then fucking know what they're up there for. Yeah. Oh, God. Can't win, Chris. Exhausting. Listen, there's enough people who go to strip bars. They don't miss you. Yeah.

No, well, you know, I'm sure they do. I'm a fun guy. I've got a lot to offer. No disrespect to male strippers as well. I felt like I really put them down there. I didn't mean to. Maybe it's the one I saw was just not very nice. Maybe I should try it.

But no, it is what it is. I don't think you can say no disrespect to male strippers. I think you can not like. I don't want to watch a female stripper. You can not like their profession. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Have I ever told you when Carl Hutchinson accidentally had to share a dressing room with a male stripper before? No.

Have I never told you this? No. How do I not know this so he was in so recently he was in the comedy club in Birmingham is it recent no no no

recently we were in Birmingham on my tour and we walked past where it was you know me night off I had in Birmingham we all went out for a drink and we walked past

and he was going he was in there he was in there where it happened so he he was getting ready to go on stage was it he came off stage or he was getting I think he was getting ready to go on stage the call was the headline act he was getting ready to go on stage. Was it he came off stage?

I think he was getting ready to go on stage. The car was the headline act. He was getting ready to go on stage. But straight after him in another room was a stripper in the sort of bar thing. Right. A male stripper. And the car was standing getting ready for his set. And the male stripper was getting ready for his set in another room.

So the car's standing ready to go on. And the stripper's just there, oiled up in the room where Carl's going through his material. Yeah the stripper's just there oiled up in the room where Carl's like going through his material watching porn on his phone just wanking shut up yeah

and Carl was like you alright mate he's like yeah I'm just getting ready I'm on in a minute and he's just standing wanking and apparently afterwards

the promoter emailed Carl saying how was the gig was everything okay and Carl was like yeah gig was great room was brilliant audience were great stripper wanking off

while I was in my dressing room didn't't wasn't great and apparently the bro just text back saying fuck's sake that's awful Carl's exact words were I was worst dressing room I've ever had and I'm just in there getting ready and there's just a stripper there just getting his knob ready for his gig so he had a full-on erection for being a stripper. You can't go out with a shrivel on. You've got to get the blood pumping, haven't you? Do you? I imagine so, yeah.

I feel much more offended by a hard penis than a flaccid penis. Well, I imagine it's got to be sort of semi. It's got to be camera ready, I imagine. Do you know what I mean? Imagine if you were a stripper, you had an erection and you went out and you'd seen everyone. You just...

Just went down. Yeah, yeah. You'd be like, oh, it doesn't like us. This is the hen! Hey, Mr Stripper, this is the hen! Wah, wah, wah.

Oh. Someone get his phone. Has he got 4G? Did you get 4G? Get his phone back on. Go on. Do you want to hear the smelly mouldy cum rag?

100%. I've been waiting with a bit of breath. I think we've had similar before, but you can't beat smelly mouldy cum rag. Smelly mouldy cum rag. Smelly cum rag.

Smelly mouldy cum rag. Did I tell you what's so weird about this? What? Smelly mouldy cum rag. Smelly mouldy cum rag. It's so strange. You know,

like synchronicity and stuff. Because I've got you saved in my phone as that great you commented that on Instagram yeah

so I've heard that before god you love repeating your material not everyone has seen that so I put it on here nice grace a little extra gag

for everyone else this is what he does you know this is what people what's it like being married to a comedian do you laugh all the time no I hear the same stories 27 times

and all he does is just say who laughs at stuff and if people laugh write it in his little phone married to a comedian do you laugh all the time no I hear the same stories 27 times at least I know and all he does is just sees who laughs at stuff and if people laugh write it in his little phone at least that got a laugh

at least I know the facts of me stories at least I don't go I saw this thing don't know what it was called so I don't know where that was

can't remember I googled it Italian salt cup wait everyone's gone everyone's gone audience have left because your knob wasn't ready

right dear Chris and Rosie please keep me anonymous I'm emailing in after this week's episode where the girl left a tampon down a one night stand's bed

cracking honestly this is the best job in the world it really is isn't it though cracking job like what the hell I love this I currently bed cracking honestly this is the best job in the world it really isn't it though like

what the hell yeah i love this i currently can i just say i currently do believe that i have the best job ever because this is so much fun and i don't take the piss out of you but i do love you very much thank you come to come to really enjoy you and respect your comedy over the years as well right you're doing really well for yourself thank you um and we're getting to do all this and it's hilarious and people love it and like i say last week i called it we called it kegs full of caca and it was top of the podcast spotify and apple above all kind of political podcast i was mortified but buzzing at the same time because i love everyone who listens i think these are all brilliant and then the other night i got sent because i did i'm on the taskmaster podcast

the other night i put the kids to bed and then i was like, oh, got to go down and do some work now. And my work involved going to the fridge, opening a beer, sitting down and watching the new episode of Taskmaster a week before it goes on the telly.

I was like, this is fun. Get on the new season of Taskmaster. Amazing line up. Really, really great show. Isn't Sarah Millican in it? Sarah Millican. I can't believe she's never done it.

Yeah. Sarah Millican, Dara O'Brien. He's never done it either. No millican doro brain he's never done it either no uh john kerns uh munya and fern brady oh nice you know munya who does all the mint videos is that the scottish lass fern is the scottish i've seen some of her videos on instagram very good very very good ee well okay i'm looking forward to that right back to smelly moldy comrade yes i can't believe you got off. I never thought I'd have done anything gross enough to...

Keep me up, love. Keep me up. You know who's keeping me up. Yeah? It's not you. Yeah? It's not my firstborn. It's Rafe.

Go on, tell him I'm obeying that bedroom. Yeah, pulling your hair. He pulls my hair, but he's on... I'm weaning him off. You're weaning him off the hair. He fights us in the middle of the night for me hair. It's ridiculous. He's obsessed.

I've moved beds full time again. Oh, man. Every five minutes. Every five minutes during the night, it's, off me hair, Rafe. Off me hair. No, off Mammy's hair. I'm moving. This is a fucking nightmare, by the way.

You think it's a nightmare. I'm goosed. Pray for me. Right, so listen. Never thought I have done anything gross enough to email in, but I was in the car listening and gasped. Gasped because I remembered this story. I was around 17 with my first ever boyfriend.

At that age, you can imagine, very horny. It says very horn. Very horn. But I think they mean horny. Very horn. Very horn. Much sex. But I think they mean horny. Very horn. Very horn. Much sex. I'm so horn right now.

I love it. Very horn. Much sex. Sojes. Just sojes. Vile. Every week after college, he would come to my house and we'd get down to business

let's get down let's get down to business remember that man remember that being young being just like where we're going to shag where is it just a boyfriend girlfriend

when you were younger is that what else is going on come on where we're going to shag all the time in the world yeah crazy we had a sad conversation the other night about like when we used to go to bed at three o'clock in the morning yeah crazy we had a sad conversation the other night about like

when we used to go to bed at three o'clock in the morning after a film and then roll out of bed at 11 o'clock the next morning yeah you didn't roll anyway mate you didn't roll anyway i rolled out of bed i went to the kitchen i made her some breakfast we sat in that bed and watched the next few episodes or whatever we're all watching what a life good times good times so you come down to my house every week after college you come to my house and we get down to business. Being away from each other for a week at a time, you can imagine. Yeah.

Very horn. Very horn. When we both finished our business, I'd use an old pillowcase to clean things up. Sorry, why? And store it under my bed until the next time he came around. Horrendous. We broke up after a year.

Oh, so it was a year's worth. Yeah. Oh, why? Get some kitchen. Buy some kitchen or some wipes. A toilet roll would make more year's worth. Yeah. Oh, why isn't... Get some kitchen... Just buy some kitchen or some wipes. A toilet roll would make more sense, Chris.

What's wrong with you? Anyways, six months after we broke up, my mum came to me and said, your bedroom is absolutely stinking and for the life of us,

I can't find the sauce. Brilliant. I had no idea what could have been smelling as I thought it was completely fine. Noseblind. Yeah, she's noseblind to it.

But let's be honest here here someone who uses a pillowcase to wipe up all of that and then just hoys it under a bed for a year and a half could be anything in that room yeah that's true could be a fucking yoghurt pot behind the radiator

anything dirty dirty horrible I'm not finished dirty horrible filthy

pig yeah yeah good carry on so we went to B&M bought loads of nice smelly bits for my bedroom. The smell did

still didn't go away. In brackets apparently. You're just covering it up. Covering it up. As my PE teacher old PE teacher used to say go in the shower lads

don't just hide deodorant on because all you're doing is covering up the smell. Yeah. That's the thing isn't it? Fast forward to the summer before I went to university I decided to clean

my bedroom. Another this is another six months later. Two years. I looked under my bed and there it was. A mouldy, green, smelly pillow sheet under my bed. God almighty. It was rock hard and absolutely stank.

I realised a year and a half after we broke up, that's what was making the smell. Sorry, sorry. Why didn't her or her fucking born idol mother look under the bed? I don't... Don't bring her mum into this. Sorry. It's just 17 years. She's nearly 19 years old.

Sorry. What did you do? What possible... I'm so apoplectic with rage. What did you do to look around that bedroom? Did they go in and stand on the bed and just turn around 360 degrees? Just a hand on their brow,

like a sailor looking out to sea. What can that smell be? What could it possibly be? Oh, well, I've had a good look. Did you go down on all fours and look under the bed? Are you both thick? That's not nice. What's not... I'm sorry, I've got no sympathy for these people.

You just didn't know what it was. Six months later, I had another look. Didn't know what it was. The seasons changed once more. And once again, it was summer. Six months later, I had one more look. I decided to finally look under the largest piece of furniture in the bed which historically has a large space underneath it

where a human body could possibly fit why i've never looked here before then is just strange how would you not remember as well that you've got a pillowcase under there that you're wiping human excrement off dirty horrible pig like i said dirty horrible pig no no no no i'd like literally it could be anything could be anything well um the smell in my bedroom my mom had been complaining about for over a year was the smelly moldy come around i was so embarrassed i put it in a bin bag with loads of other stuff I was throwing away so no one would ever find it. I told my mum that the smell was a mouldy banana

I left in my old college bag so I didn't have to explain. And her mum went, standard. Standard for you, dirty pig. I am so ashamed as I'm normally a very clean person. No, you're not! No, you're not! No, you're not!

No, you're not! Because A, the story we've just heard. B, the fact that you cover... Imagine that sentence. Mom, you know that smell that's been lingering for two years. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What was it?

Oh, moldy banana in a bag. Oh, well, we got to the bottom of that, didn't we? Oh, yeah. Can't wait to make the Netflix documentary about this. I hope there are a few series. Did you make a nice loaf of banana we? Oh, yeah. Can't wait to make the Netflix documentary about this. I hope there are a few series. Did you make a nice loaf of banana bread? Oh, aye.

Anyways, love you both so much and can't wait to see you on 2NX November in Cardiff. Can't wait to fucking smell you in the crowd. You'll be the one with a big green steam

coming off you, will you? Like a fucking cartoon dog. Stop it. This is just coming from the cleanest man in Britain. I genuinely possibly could have been in her same position. Oh, no, my bed was rotten.

Yeah, it's just... Not come rags. Two years. Two years of not going. Should we just look under the bed? Pointless. Have you ever moved a bed, though? No time.

How much dust is under a bed? It's shocking. Yeah, but just look under the bed. Like, what's wrong with everyone? You don't have a brain like everybody else. I probably wouldn't have looked in another bed. Why, yeah. No, honestly, I put myself in the same...

As a person, I smell really nice. Me belongings, probably. Can you remember the time in our old house where you got an entire carpet taken out of the room because you thought the carpet stank, but it was actually a wicker basket in the corner of the room? Have we ever spoken about that? Yes, I think we did.

It was on the podcast. Fuming. It was jute. I'll never buy anything jute as long as I live. I can jute off as far as I'm concerned. Honestly,

where it happened. Four of them. No, there was four of them. Four of them jute baskets from Ikea. To be honest, I love Ikea. We've just got some wardrobes

but the fucking baskets can go fuck themselves. I've got a full carpet ripped out. I'll say this. Honestly, full carpet ripped out. I'll say this. Honestly. Full carpet taken out. Full carpet gone.

Oh no, it was them baskets in the corner. Should have just looked under the bed, shouldn't I? Just. This just starts with episode 155. Finding chewing gum is absolutely the worst, said Chris. You're not wrong there, pal.

This is great. My partner and I went on holiday at the Grand Canaria. We're in an open relationship and I go to sex clubs as I prefer anonymous sex, while my partner likes to meet people from apps. Right. Yes. Okay.

Yeah. That was thrown in there. It's just right there. I'll be honest with you, I've been wrong-footed. That was thrown in there it's just right there i'll be honest with you i've been wrong-footed um that was thrown in there can you can you read it again because i i was so shocked i didn't take any of that in my partner and i went on holiday to grand canaria we're in an open relationship yeah i go to sex clubs as i prefer anonymous sex got you while my partner likes to meet people from apps okay fair enough so one of them is very much Glory Hole.

The other one is very much One Night Stand. Yeah. Pretty much. Okay. Whatever. Tickles your pickle. Yeah.

One night I came back to the hotel after a night of sex club shenanigans. And we started to have some fun as we were both in the mood.

What? So he's been out to his sex club and he's come back. Christ alive. So they've still got an active sex club and he's come back. Christ alive. So they've still got an active sex life. Active sex life?

Fucking couple of Duracell bunnies? You're drinking vodka Red Bull? Must be. He started to touch in between my buttocks and then all of a sudden

he stopped and said what's that? Oh Jesus. I stopped too and had a feeling and was like I don't know.

I went to the bathroom and found out that chewing gum had somehow ended up in my hole. Like right in between the cheeks. And I had to cut it out of my hairy hole with a pair of tiny scissors. That's fucking disgusting. Chewing gum and arse hair. I've hypothesised. Oh God.

There are three ways this could have happened one I sat down on a bench with my cheeks spread unusually and sat in the gum right definitely not that I know where you've been I fell I fell on it

someone was having a good munch on your arse and chewing gum fell out and they were so embarrassed they didn't tell you. They just fucked off to another dark corner of the sex club. Doctor, doctor,

I was making an apple pie and I fell on an apple. Where were your trousers? Oh, I don't know. In all the commotion they fell down. So you think it's that? A hundred percent.

I sat on it, but it's shut up, man. Well, he doesn't know, but two, he's saying someone was off their head while they were rimming me and forgot to spit it out before we started.

Or three, and this is my least favourite option, someone put it there intentionally while I was in the sling. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Like, you know, you see people put it behind their ear

or they put it somewhere then they get it back. Oh. Just pop that there for a second. Oh, I forgot my chair. They're on the way home. Oh, me chewing gum's still in that bloke's arse. When do you grow up though, really? Because somebody might have been behind him

in that swing going, he's fucking hogging that swing. Yeah. Boink. Yeah. Bit of wrigglies. Oh, God. Up your wrigglies. Oh, God. Up your wriggler.

Oh, it's horrible that way. It says, it was a low point of my life and still makes me feel like a bit of a slag. We've booted again though and actually can't wait to go back. Brilliant. Go to the sex club.

Go to the sex club while your partner's out on a nap and you're all fucking beautiful and coming back and then getting down doesn't make you feel like a slag but finding chewing gum in your arse makes you feel like a slag. People's priorities

and frames of reference are skewed in this world. Everyone needs a good fucking sit down. Thing is though, right, they're in an

Not on some chewing gum, don't sit on some chewing gum. They're in an open relationship so obviously his partner wasn't like, what the fuck, imagine, imagine, right,

imagine if you just had chewing gum in your arsehole. Oh yeah, that's a lot harder to explain away if you're not in an open relationship at least that's the thing it's like you got chewing gum in your arsehole oh yeah probably the sex club oh fair enough not like got chewing gum in your arsehole erm

er I fell I swallowed it last week must have just come out it doesn't take seven years to pass through here. Still got flavour, that one. I was off this morning. It's all life.

I'd be like, Riff! It was the baby. Honestly, I think I can say hand on heart I don't think having to cut chewing gum out of my arse here

is something I'm ever going to have to deal with no we'll see never say never no it's one of them things where I literally just if you're taking too long on that sex swing

right I had a lovely little happy thought thinking yeah I'll never have to do that that's really nice I'm glad never say never

I might get like you know how people get like live laugh love and that written on the wall and like motivational things I might get a I might just start a range of motivational

prints that you put up that just say you might be having a bad day but you've never had to cut strangers tumer gum out of your arse out of your arse

that's the thing it's a stranger isn't it it's not even like your partner yeah yeah yeah babadoo babadoo babadoo Strangers, chewing gum, out of your arse. That's a thing, it's a stranger, isn't it? It's not even like your partner. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Maradonoid,

which is part of the E-Fast Creator Network. Yes, thank you very much. And as always, if you want to get in touch, shagradanoid at gmail.com and we'll be back

all over here up your bum like chewing gum next week. That's going to be when you cheers. Up your bum like chewing gum. Up your bum like chewing gum. Up your bum like chewing gum. Next week. That's going to be when you cheers. Up your bum like chewing gum. Up your bum like chewing gum. Up your bum like chewing gum.

There's a new one. Yeah, merch available on the website. Bye. Bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

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