Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 188. Mars Cha Cha

Episode Date: October 7, 2022

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie discuss frubes, strictly, facial recognition and loads more... plus they are joined by a film crew, can you tell? The beefs cover mishearing and of course bins! QFTP's involve a stripper, drinking from a bottle and a filthy dog grooming habit. All of this and some wonderful icks. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband

Christopher Ramsey hello hello can you tell can you tell everyone that Rosie's talking a little bit differently this week

we've got a film crew in here today filming us for something that obviously because this podcast is going to come out miles before the film has just

started for this so this podcast is going to come out miles before this so we can't again sorry to be miles before this so we can't again sorry to be that dickhead but we can't tell you all what it is

but Rosie's on her best behaviour I am aren't you you put the phone voice on there's a film like a camera crew here just for guys

just for a different project I'm doing so yeah and we're having to do this at a different time of the week because Chris has decided to do other jobs other work

who do I think I am how dare you? It is episode 188. Oh my gosh. Imagine that. It came straight after 187. I hope it doesn't sound too different but it is weird

having people in the room, isn't it? It's very weird. It is a bit strange having people in the room. I'm holding my pumps in. I don't normally do that. You've changed. You've changed.

Yeah, you heard that new episode of Shag My Nose. You held a fart in. God. It wasn't the same. She's honestly, honestly, bloody hell. Sell out. Are you going to do your sponsor?

No, you just had a shot, didn't you, before we started? I did. But it was not like a rock and roll shot. No. What did you have? Well, when I was in Portugal just recently, me and the lasses. Shirking your family duties, abandoning your family. Absolutely.

Had a brilliant time. Enjoyed every second of it. Didn't think about his wants yeah bullshit only when I went to bed drunk and I watched videos of the kids and cried and that

but then at the same time if someone had brought them through the door I'd have been absolutely devastated oh I miss them so much no I will bring them to you no no God no please

no when we were there we were having shots of so it was lemon juice ginger and apple cider vinegar. Party! I know, but it's meant to be really good for you.

It's meant to, I don't actually know what it's meant to do. Helps you lose weight. I'll do anything to lose weight. So, thought I'd try them at home. Just put it on Instagram of me having a shot. There's hell on. There's absolute hell on. People kicking off.

It's bad for your teeth. You're not meant to have it. These do it better than you. Oh, brilliant. That's good, isn't it? I'm just going to not tell anyone anything anymore. people kicking off it's bad for your teeth you're not meant to have it these do it better than you oh brilliant brilliant that's good isn't it I'm just going to not tell anyone anything anymore

it's a couple of things it's not worth the hassle bad for your teeth doesn't work with you because you did Newcastle Arena an hour after having one of your teeth ragged out that's true

so you clearly don't care about teeth at all and you went through a phase of drinking cordial all night and that was bad for your teeth as well yeah when I was breastfeeding

and thirsty and so you've just as you just said there i do believe you're being really hard on yourself at the minute um but i mean what when what woman isn't in this day and age you said you'll do anything to lose weight apart from exercise regularly and not eat two pats of crisps a night so well i'm trying that but if i if i could if i could just drink apple cider vinegar and do all of that as well you did for me you didn't have to put it in an luminous aftershock glass aftershock glass and and put some dance music on yeah and that black light that you bought yeah you don't need all them things uh i'm joking though because you did five mile on the treadmill yeah dear oh my god i

didn't know you mentioned that oh for not being a runner, Rosie did five mile on the treadmill. Took you three days. It took us an hour and five minutes. An hour and five minutes. My arms were killing because I was standing in front of you with a fishing rod with a sausage roll on it. It was clay cold.

Clay cold. You should have caught it quicker. You should have caught it. I tell you what though, when you actually, because I didn't really understand, even though I drive, right? I didn't really understand five mile,

how far it is, right? Oh God, yeah. What? I don't want to tell everyone that. So Rosie did five mile on the treadmill and then lay in bed talking about the five mile. For three days you've been saying you couldn't believe you did five mile.

It's buzzing. You made me put various places around where we live into Google Maps and see how far it was that you'd ran I couldn't believe it couldn't believe it Stadium of Light and Back

you ran at the Stadium of Light and Back in Sunderland well done congratulations buzzing I was absolutely cock a hoop

I'm proud of you you did really really well but again you've been too hard on yourself wait till it's six and wait till I'm doing that great north run

oh no absolutely not they'll hold you to it they'll hold you to it I've got to get some yourself. Wait till it's six, man. And wait till I'm doing that Great North Road. Oh, no. Absolutely not. They'll hold you to it. They'll hold you to it. I've got to get some more sausage rolls. Right. It is episode 188. Thank you so much for joining us.

Thank you so much for coming back. Thank you so much for listening. Without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Makes us absolutely no money at all. Yeah. But this week's sponsor,

this week's sponsor, something I've been aware of for quite a while and I haven't really, we've never broached it on the podcast. Yeah, I'll have told you. And it came upached it on the podcast. Yeah, halitosis. And it came up the other day.

Wow. No. Wow. Wow. I'm not aware of, why would I be aware of me? You have not got

halitosis. I would not be married to you if you had halitosis. Stop it. Tell me right now. This week's look at the

sponsor is the little ice cream scoop that they use in Subway to put the tuna on your bread. Makes me want to die. It's awful. I don't know how I haven't talked about on your bread. Makes me want to die. It's awful.

I don't know how I haven't talked about it before. It makes us want to die. It popped up in a conversation the other day. It makes us want to die. Excuse me, can I have a six inch

brown bread? Yeah, yeah. What do you want? Oh, tuna please. Oh, yeah. Do you want a flake in that? Your monkey's blood! They put like three

little scoops on, don't they? Fucking vile. It is bad like. Why do they use an ice cream scoop? I don't know. Well, obviously for portions. Portion control.

Use a spoon. Use a spoon. I don't know what it is, but the fact that it makes us want to die. It makes us want to die. But listen, the meatball marinara's, they are beautiful. Okay, fair enough.

Yeah. They're round and they don't use the little round thing for that. I suppose you don't need it because it stays in its bit it stays on the spoon oh anyway that's the sponsor

that makes for no money stop doing it makes us really sad you know the worst bit is I don't even get tuna from Subway but I stand in the queue who does?

people weirdos I stand in the queue I'm not slagging off Subway by the way I love Subway it saves me life on tour but I stand there

and I'm next to someone and they go and it ruins my sandwich if I see someone getting the, they want the... And it ruins my sandwich. If I see someone getting the ice cream tuna on their sandwich, it ruins my day. Well, speaking of ice cream scoops, a time when an ice cream scoop would have really done me a favour.

Can I just say, Rosie, that was a segue worthy of local radio. Thank you so much. Speaking of ice cream scoops. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm, yeah. Well, back in the day... Tell your exercising these days.

Thank you. You're on. My mind is engaged. It's that vinegar, vinegar man I'm sharp teeth are falling out though when I worked an ice cream parlor in South Shields

it's only the big one really yeah ends with an M ends in enchilas give it a shout out I know but I'm kind of going to slag them off

a little bit but not slag them off fully just so I imagine when you worked there the standards were a lot lower but carry on no it was brilliant. It was epic.

They make the ice cream. It's wonderful. Are you about to tell us all that you injured your tongue licking an ice cream scoop? No, I'm about to tell you that one day I got blisters on my hand because you had to get the ice cream out of the tub with a long metal spatula and you had to do a flicky round. You move the cone round and then you do that. It was like a proper art.

I feel like I'm in the staff training. Right, well fair enough. You had to get the long spatula and do a flicky round. I'm trained up. You had to learn how to do it. It was really tricky.

It took us months to learn. Yeah. And then you put the thing on and I was like, why can't we just use scoops? Right. Why can't we just use a scoop? Because they're for tuna,

exclusively. We're keeping them for the tuna. The tuna scoop. Nobody wants to be reminded of Subway tuna scoops when they're having an ice cream. And vice versa. I get it, right.

Fair enough. There we go. It did look epic by the end. I wonder if I could still do one. Oh, God. Don't. I might be buying a metal spatula this afternoon. Well, I've done five mile.

Why am I not losing weight? Because you're eating a tub of ice cream a day, man, while you're practicing for no reason're eating a tub of ice cream a day man while you're practising for no reason I ate so much ice cream I'd have a sugar cone every lunch break for your lunch

what's a sugar cone after my lunch sugar cone it's like a special cone but with an ice cream in obviously did I pay for them did I right

what you didn't pay for them I didn't pay for them alright it's time to reveal this isn't a camera crew lads cameras down guns out

we've got her we've got her again thieving thieving again guns out they've all got their guns there's guns hidden in cameras like on True Lies

lads come on mics down get her get her take her away this is ridiculous because it kind of makes sense to do

the crimes from your past the crimes from your past that keep cropping up on this podcast. You're disgusting. Honestly, it's like being married to fucking Al Capone. Al Capone. Al Sugarcone. There we go. That's a lot of radio all over the place.

That's why they're here. These guys. Next, it's the 1975. You don't know any 1975. No, I don't know any new music apart from Ed Sheeran. Play the jingle. Here's a jingle by Ed Sheeran. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.

So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed. Oh, they've gone now. They've gone for a bit so we can breathe. It's really weird the way telly works, innit? Like, they were here filming and then they made me do the beefs as well so you'll hear the beefs later on they were still here for the beefs because they wanted shots of work arguing with each other oh it's keep weird in it i felt honestly i don't know what that intro was like i'm dear listener i'm sorry if we sounded like you know you know when you uh you see you've got a mate but then you go out with them and they're with the workmates and

they're totally different and you're like oh and you're like i feel like that i feel like that might have been us and i think but you know what i mean right we could have just pretended to do one but we're so lazy we were like oh no we'll do it as this they were like we want to get you doing the podcast if you just pretend you're doing the podcast we're like no we will actually record the podcast because we are lazy bastards and we don't want to do it again yeah it's like i'm not I'm not, yeah. See what you get me. Yeah, I was like, no, we'll press record,

we're doing it. That's going out there because, yeah, otherwise we've got to do it tonight and it's because I'm with, I'm working with them all week so I'll go away tomorrow

and I'm working with them all week so it's like, yeah, fuck that. Yeah, no, no chance. Absolutely not.

But yeah, so guys, sorry if we sounded like, you know, it is that, isn't it, when you go out with the mates, with the workmates and they're like, oh, you weren't yourself there, you were a dick near them. Guys, sorry if we sounded like, you know, it is that, innit, when you go out with the workmates

and they're like, oh, you weren't yourself there, you were a dick near them. Or your brother and sister, well, yeah, your brother and sister were there with their mates. Nah, nah, nah, don't know what you're talking about. Oh, sorry. Sorry. I don't get the reference, because I'm an only child.

I don't get the reference. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. How are you doing? I'm spot on. I'm very good. How are you? I'm good. Do you want to tell everyone about the froube you downed yesterday in front of the fridge?

Or did you think I wasn't going to mention that? This week's if courtesy of Christopher Ramsey. Right, so yeah, I thought this would come up because you literally said it was one of the worst things you've ever seen us do. And I don't know why. So again, I've said it before and I'll say it again. When your kids start eating old school kid food, like my life.

It's the best thing in the world. My life has just gone so, I've regressed retro food. We had turkey dinosaurs the other day. Fucking. Unbelievable. They have got better

and that never happens. I know, I know. Turkey dinosaurs are now in the house. Chicken dippers are in the house. Cheese strings are in the house. Now, Froobs. Fucking buzzing mate. Yeah, I know. It's the way you ate dippers are in the house. Cheese strings are in the house. Now, Froobs. Fucking buzzing, mate.

Yeah, I know. It's the way you ate it which really upset us, though. Right. Are you telling me you think you're faster at eating Froobs than me? Because I'll race you. No, it was the tilt back of the head and the sort of finger action down the Froob into your mouth, which was the least sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

You tell me someone who could be sexy eating a Froob and I'll tell you why you're wrong. There was no one on this earth who could be sexy eating a Froob. It's not sexy. Let me think for a minute. Hang on.

Who could be sexy eating a Froob? Maybe a woman. Probably. Yeah. Just like get it on her chin and her face and all of her tits. As much as they don't have tits.

Oh, but now I'm just thinking of like dry dairy. Nice smelling and that. But no, I, yeah, I was, I very much enjoyed the Froob, but I was instantly chastised by you. So yeah, you sort of ruined the Froob for us a little bit. But I was pretending I was,

you know, in between games at Wimbledon, the sit down and they have the little Froobs. Do they? Well, I mean, it's... Gel. Why? Fro their little Froobs do they well I mean it's gel why Floob Floobs

no it's like you know it's probably like a carbohydrate or energy sort of gel

packet but I do imagine it's a Froob I imagine the finish a set and then they

go right apricot boom oh worst one right I did well there

I did well there must be the apricot I'll have another apricot I just

I hate I Lost that game. Strawberry. Make us feel so... Yogurt. Yogurt's lovely, man. People who get... Oh, God. Eat them for breakfast and that.

We're shitting. I just want to vomit. What do you mean? Like someone who has like... Like with nuts and muesli and all that crap. Honestly, my mum loves that shit. I just feel... Yeah, she doesn't love that shit.

She has that shit to tell people she has that shit. And then she eats, as she ate the the other day a full pack of picnics in one afternoon yes she did four of them she offered me a picnic when I went to drop the beer off at her house

she went do you want a picnic I went I don't like picnics it's the worst chocolate ever she went do you know I've got four do you not want one I went no I'm alright this was about ten in the morning

three o'clock in the afternoon I saw her she went I ate all four of them I mean I could not picnics god sake picnics it's like she's punishing herself

it's like she knows she's going to eat all four of them so she doesn't get a twig she gets to make shit like picnic do you want to hear

a brilliant story about my mum haven't had any for a while right yeah she's here she's here better wake

that baby up soon because if he he will not go to sleep later on to be fair when shopping with my mum bought something

bought a large item I bought more outdoor furniture I saw it in mum. Bought something. Bought a large item. I bought more outdoor furniture. Of course you did. I saw it in the flesh. And it was reduced. It was literally half price. Unbelievable. Best time to get it.

Surprised you didn't have my card with you. But carry on. I didn't. And I used, you know, like Apple Pay. Like the facial recognition one. You know Apple Pay? And I was like, I can't. I said to my mum, I was like, I can't believe you can use like up to.

The woman at the shop was like, you can spend up to 10 grand on your thing. And I was like, Jesus Christ't, I said, my mom was like, I can't believe you can use like up to, the woman at the shop was like, you can spend up to 10 grand on your thing. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Bloody hell. Yeah, mental. My mom, no, nah, don't use it. I was like, what do you mean? Why don't, don't you, so, so dangerous. So risky.

I was like, what do you mean? And she went, well, someone could steal from you. Someone could use it. I was like, mom, you've literally, you've got to use your face. You can't just, it's not like the tap your phone. She went, well,

what if you're in the shop and somebody grabs your face? And you, she literally thinks someone's going to grab her phone, grab her face, put the phone to her face and then buy the stuff.

Wow. I was like, do you not think the cashier might think, hang on a minute, you're trying to rob from her what the fuck

is that me or is that just ridiculous like I can say some silly things but that's again it's that thing I mean I do it

with some stuff do you know what I mean but it's that thing it's that generational thing isn't it what's that what's that a new thing

I don't know about it can fuck off but hilarious that though I mean she's got a similar she's got the similar fear that John Travolta had in the film Face Off

that Nicolas Cage stole his face that is one of the best films ever I'm writing that on my list for running oh yeah you've started right so

she's started she realised that she can run really far when she watches an action film yeah so do you want to hear some of the ones I've got

your action films well people people recommended them oh Jesus Maze Runner Divergent Eye in the Sky what's that

don't know Grey Man on Netflix I'll be watching that Liam Neeson I think all of the John Wicks yeah John Wicks are they good

fucking amazing John Wicks yeah Black Hawk Down seen that years ago but I did enjoy it maybe the war ones are going to be good I'm going to put Saving Private Ryan.

Oh, you're joking on me. You're going to run to that. It's fucking heartbreaking. Well, I was crying my eyes out actually at Hunger Games and my auntie Kath was here and I was thinking she's going to hear me.

Just crying my eyes out. Jurassic Park. Sorry. As if you couldn't make treadmills worse, you're crying while running. Like a child in a film running away from the bullies

at school it's very dramatic you have your arms flailing at the side babadoo babadoo babadoo do you want to hear a good story

about my dad yes so your dad was on our house yesterday came for his dinner it was lovely to see him you

I think I was putting Rafe to bed and you came down and you were like you're watching Strictly with your dad and you were like you will not believe what my dad's just said but I'll tell you on the podcast so I was I think I was putting Rafe to bed and you came down and you were like you will not you're watching Strictly with your dad yeah

and you were like you will not believe what my dad's just said but I'll tell you on the podcast so I always love saving real life for the podcast

so dive straight in I mean I'm hoping you might find them funny now but I mean I just found them not funny just ridiculous

so watching it obviously Strictly the new line up very good enjoying the show Matt Goss is in it from Bross is it

was it Bross yeah when were they out oh 80s weren't they 80s or 90s yeah Matt and Luke Goss is in it from, Bross is it? Was it Bross? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's from Bross, yeah. When were they out? Oh, 80s, weren't they? 80s or 90s. Yeah. Matt and Luke Bross, weren't they? Matt and Luke Goss for Bross, yeah. Yeah. My dad, it was the result show and he was in the dance-off. Yeah. My dad, oh, he'll never get voted out. All the young'uns will keep him in. All the young'uns? The young'uns? All the young'uns will keep him in like he's living

in the 90s again what's he talking about dad no one knows no youngins he went out he literally went out didn't he

no he didn't go out he didn't go out oh yeah what's that name went out very funny and then another one which

this is just this is sometimes I wonder where I get my ridiculousness in life and then me her parents say things and I go that's why looked us square in the face he went he went do you know the longer they stay in the more they get paid which i replied do you know my husband was in it dad

my actual husband in real life did the show like are you trying to tell me information and facts about the show that my husband was in wow till the semis by the way yeah nearly all the way

what's wrong with him crazy that like and he went oh aye can you believe that do you know do you realise did you

did you know anyway that was the stupid things my dad said that's amazing that's amazing wow the youngins will keep him in

the youngins will keep him in from the 80s boy band so once he was announced in the dance off your dad said he'll never get voted out

the youngins will keep him in meaning but he's already in the dance off because the youngins haven't kept him in I think so yeah do you understand

how it works I don't think he watches strictly very often the dance off has got nothing tooff because the young'uns haven't kept him in. I think so, yeah. Do you understand how it works? I don't think he watches Strictly very often. What, the dance-off has got nothing to do with the young'uns unless you're counting fucking Motsy

as one of the young'uns. I was just mortified about that. My dad hasn't moved on since 1986. No, I do have that. You do have that though, don't you?

What? Like, you sort of stick in a sort of era in your head. Right, first, tell me the first number that comes in your head. Listen to this, right? Right. First sort of era in your head right first tell me the first number that comes in your head

listen to this right first number that comes in your head when I ask you how many years ago were the 70s 30 years ago of course it wasn't

60 years ago nearly 60 shit see what I mean yes so your dad's done that for fuck's sake I can't believe you

actually said I thought there I was like there's no way she's going to say that. I just said what you... It's mad, isn't it? I've seen a meme about that. That's upsetting. Yeah, I saw the same meme and I was like, but they are?

Oh my God, they're not. They're not. Yeah. No, you're right. We're going to be sitting watching Strictly on Mars when we're in our 60s. Yeah. And it's going to be like... You will not get to Mars.

No, but it'll be Mark Owen and I'll be like, oh, you'll be fine. The young'uns will keep him in. Yeah, you'll not be allowed to Mars, because when Elon Musk gets all to Mars, you will be blacklisted for how much you've slagged off my Tesla. Good. You're not going.

I don't want to go to Mars. Well, then stay here. What's on Mars? Strictly, the new Strictly. It's going to be on Mars. What's the gravity difference? That'll make an impact. Strictly called moon dancing.

Mars. They'll do the Mars cha-cha. They'll do the Mars... Sorry, you're still going with this? I thought I'd finished. They'll do the Mars-ton. The Mars-ton. That's the Charleston.

They'll do the Marzo Tango Tango stop the past the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

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the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the Come back. You're missing the best bits. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef. Boys and girls first. You or me? You go first. Me first? Yeah, why not?

Okie dokie. Okay, so my beef with you this week is, and this is, normally we have a beef with each other and it's mentioned and then it's sort of solved and the other person goes, I'm sorry I was doing that and you stop doing it. But some things are recurring parts of your personality

that are basically in your DNA that's never going to change, right? Right. So you're basically saying this is something that I can't really fix? Yeah, but I'm still going to berate you about it. Oh, that's nice. That's love.

Your nose is doing my tits in at the minute. Everyone who listens will know that you can smell the bin when the bin stinks from a mile off. Yeah, awful. Yeah, loads of people stop us and tell us that their partner does the same thing. You are currently walking around the house, I don't know what's happening,

I don't know what's going on with you, but you're currently walking around the house like a labrador um just like a beagle like a beagle that's good you know beagles you can't let them off the lead in the park and the catch is the scent and they're just they're just going to smoke yeah yeah they're the ones who talked about it before but back in the day they used to have tabs they did beagle before yeah what do they do now chewing gum nicotine patches Nicotine patches. Patches. So basically, again, you're running around with your nose pathetic. Do me a head in, right?

A bin stinks, obviously, as your go-to. It does stink, and that's your one job. I can't empty the bin as soon as I put something in it. What a waste of bin liners. What a terrible thing for the environment. I think we need a smaller bin. If it was up to you, our bin would be a shot glass yes right um we need some

kind of tube that goes out of the window anyway listen um the thing is the other day you're walking around doomy head and i um great you were you said one of the most pathetic childish things i've ever heard in my life the other day um You went, you came in the kitchen, bin stinks, bin stinks. I wasn't changing the bin. I was doing something. I was feeding Rafe. I was doing something.

So you tied up the bin, took the, well, I'll do it then. You took the bin bag out, you tied it, you went to the back door, you went, I put it at the back door

because I think it was raining and you wanted me to take it to the main bin. I put it at the back door. You went to the back door and you put it on the floor inside the house. Right it at the back door. You went to the back door and you put it on the floor inside the house. Right.

At the back door. You didn't bother your arse to just open the door to take that one little more bit of effort to open the door to put the bin bag on the other side. Right? I just wonder when this is going to get bad.

No. What happened next was I said, why have you left it there, inside there, opened the door and put it outside. You scowled, opened the door, picked it up, left it there, inside there, opened the door and put it outside? You scowled, opened the door,

picked it up, put it outside, turned around and said, I hate living with people. People. All right, now I do. Now I remember. Yeah, people? Me, your husband and your two children.

All of yours? People. All of yours. You pathetic? You're a dick. Just because. Why would you leave it? One, why would you leave it inside? Because do you know what irritates us though? Ie, o'r holl un o chi. Pobl. Ie, pob un o chi. Ydych chi'n ddidd? Ydych chi'n ddidd. Dim ond, pam fyddech chi'n gadael... un, pam fyddech chi'n gadael ymlaen?

Oherwydd, wyddoch chi beth? Mae'n ymwneud â'r irytaith, o'r hyn a dwi'n ei ddweud. Doeddwn i ddim eisiau rhoi'r ffin allan. Roedd yn ymwneud â'r ffin. Roeddwn i'n hoffi gadael ymlaen drwy'r drws. Ond pan fyddech i'n mynd i'w ddod i'r bin... Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin.

Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin.

Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Mae'n ymwneud â'r ffin. Sometimes you get just a patch of bin condensation on the tile. It's not a thing. Everyone listening, you know exactly what it is. Take your bin out, put it on the floor. You get a patch of damp bin-ness. Anyway. The remnants of your bin,

the ghost of your bin bag on the floor. I stand by what I said. You hate living with people. I just hate it sometimes. But then I'm the same with you because if you do something I'll be like Chris don't do that

but when you do it to me I'm like oh you can just and your hypocrisy shines through as usual I know I'm shocking

brilliant can't hate it my beef hang on my computer oh my god my beef you waited there for the camera guy

to get in oh look at you listen not my first rodeo you are we only have to do it again, Chris. We only have to do it. My beef with you

is at the minute, it's only been the last like two weeks, right? Yeah. If you can't hear what I'm saying, you flick your ears. Have you noticed this?

Yes, yes. You go like this. What? What? You flick your ears and I want to, I want to die inside you go like this what what you flick it yes and I want to I want to die inside because it's the worst thing

I've ever seen one you're doing it wrongly I do it with one finger oh that's it I just do it with the yeah yeah I just do it with the

four finger what flick flick yeah yeah horrible I quite enjoy doing that it's so unattractive right right

it's horrible what what can you do is another thing as well you have got another another little beef with you as well no you've done your beef you've done your stupid bin beef no anyone else out there do you get this right your current catchphrase anything i do your current catchphrase to me is that's so unattractive and it's starting to it's starting to really get us down because it is well my life sorry Flickity-ears, I mean. Sorry, sorry. Auntie Eris. Sorry, emperor of the house. Sorry, I don't, like, my life isn't...

This house isn't a catwalk for me to walk around and be attractive for you. This is my house, right? Warts and all. You married us. You married me, right? I'm not walking around trying to be attractive for you all day. This isn't some kind of catwalk.

If I can do it, you can do it. You can. When is that going to start? Tomorrow. Just don't flick your ears. It's really weird. What? What are you saying?

No, I'm just... That's it. That's all. What? What? It's horrible. Stop. Come on, let's it. That's all. What? It's horrible. Stop. Come on, let's stop. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

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disgusting? That's actually horrible that. I don't like that at all. It sounds like, oh, what's his name, the guy, Jimmy Fallon. Do you know when he

did the ew? Yeah, yeah. Ew. Yeah, it does actually. It's very, very good. If you ever want to watch that, it's on YouTube, I think.

It's very funny. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hope you're both good. If you ever want to watch that, it's on YouTube, I think. Fair enough. It's very funny. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hope you're both good. Are you good? Yeah. Yeah-ish. See, I think we're a bit tired. I got slagged off this week

for how fast I ate a fruit, which I thought was impressive. The fact that I knocked that fruit back in one go, I thought you'd be really impressed, but you're actually... It was awful. I don't really think I've properly processed how upsetting that was.

I've been with my boyfriend for two years, and we recently went on holiday to Croatia.ia okay i've heard wonderful things about croatia everyone has to try it out places now don't they places places that you would never can you remember can you imagine in the 80s no like no not that but like your aunt your uncle were here yesterday and they were like oh i work out of like bosnia and that and i was like hey back in the day if you told someone i was talking about how bosnia was gorgeous it was like there was a little villages in that keep bosnia it's lush apparently no idea but that's the thing in it like it's almost like back in back in the day you had like three options yeah i mean it was like well italy

wasn't even a big thing no no it was like where you going spain toki or we're going to take the burns to disney yeah it's always that spain oh we've got a few quid take the burns today we didn't have a holly last year and we're not having a holly next year so this year we'll take the burns to disney yeah it's always that it's been oh we've got a few quid take the burns today we didn't have a holly last year and we're not having a holly next year so this year we'll take the burns to disney and then someone would always come back and go well after you took the burns to disney you need another fucking holiday once you've been at disney there was the three places you could go yeah we needed to get cash out and i realized i've never once seen him use a cash machine here comes the ick He put his card in, looked around and then covered the keypad with his hand and said,

you never know who's watching, do you? Absolute ick. Oh, no. No, listen. What's wrong with women? No, I get that.

You cover, you cover the keypad when you get shopping and that and it makes us die. I don't know why. Oh, do you know what would be worse?

Not being able to pay the mortgage because someone stole all my money. No, I know. You stupid person. But it's the way you just, you like, cover your shoulders go up and you cover the card machine and you're like da da da da da. You're like

7744. Oh, oh shit. It's definitely not 7744. One, I don't want to do that anymore because I use my contactless now. But no, that is good, safe, especially in a cash machine. You don't know who's doing things, I use my contactless now. But no, that is good safety, especially in a cash machine. You don't know who's,

they do things, man, they put little cameras in them. You're meant to actually, you're meant to pull, do you know before you put your card in, you're meant to pull the bit off to save it because if it comes off,

that's a cloning machine. Right. A lot of people have been cloned that way. Exactly. So you, well, exactly. It's still a nick. I get it. I don't know how it's a nick.

I totally get it. I don't know how it is. I totally get it. What's next? I'm telling you, I get it I totally get it what's next I'm telling you some of the fucking nicks that are coming through it's gonna be like

I've got in the car with my boyfriend and he put his seatbelt on my vagina got a one way trip to Bosnia was that upset it's meant to be nice there now

he got on his motorbike and he put a helmet on like what what it's just genuinely now, people doing good safety things. Sensible. Sensibleness has become an ick.

And do you know what? If sensibleness is an ick, I for one don't want to be sexy. I don't want to be sexy. I want to be sensible. One person, there was nothing else. No, like, hello, Rosie, Chris.

No, from anonymous. It just said, my husband licking an envelope closed that was it oh the subject was ick my husband licking an envelope closed that's all it says through

like a like a note like just put it as a note in a phone just vile great absolutely great he's outranked

oh god it's just dicks what's he supposed to do what's he supposed to do not close the envelope. I get you. But the difference is, do you know what the difference is, right?

She's not going to be happy with anything. I'm sorry, I'm going to stand up for the blokes here because I'm sick of this, right? V licks that envelope, right? Licks the envelope closed. Ick. Do you know what another ick would be? He's got a special little sponge

that he dabs envelopes with. Ick. I think he's just gone with it. He went and got some water and he put it on the envelope. Ick. You're right, Rosie. You've summed it up. We can't win.

You can't win. We can't win. And I'm sick of it. He's win at a lot of other stuff, so. Ah, you're joking, aren't you? You've turned it around by now. Oh, piss off. Fucking hell, it's due to swing in the other direction.

Honestly, fucking sick of it. It's time for questions from the public guys as always if you want to get in touch shagged married annoyed at gmail.com thank you thank you thank you in advance and thank you to everyone who's already sent something i just love this bit it's my favorite bit because you don't have to do anything just like this get a sit and judge i'm so happy i love it love my It's my favourite bit. Because you don't have to do anything for it. I just like to get to sit and judge. I'm so happy. I love it. Love my job.

Love my life. Hi Chris and Rosie. Just a quick one here. I was listening to the Reapend Reapend the recent episode where Chris told

everyone off for stealing all the cool pine glasses from guest eels. Sorry guest? I know what you mean. Fuck me. He or she.

Oh is that when they get a barrel? A cheeky barrel? No. With a funny name on the right and a choke? No. Is that a guest ale? No, I don't know why she's come up with guest ales

because I was talking about fucking Heineken Silver. Basically, when a pub gets the new barrel in or the new beer, not a guest, when it gets the new one, so they get all the paraphernalia sent, so your pub just gets Heineken Silver. But it might be a guest because it might not be there for a while. Well, no, because a guest, so they get all the paraphernalia sent, so your pub just gets Heineken silver. But it might be a guest

because it might not be there for a while. Well, no, because, no, that's wrong, because they've been given all the paraphernalia. You go in and they've got the beer mats on the bar, all the glasses are Heineken silver, and what happens is,

tour rags fucking nick them all, and you end up having to drink your Heineken silver over Stella Artois glass, and it's not the same. It's not a guest deal. That's wrong. I hate to be a pedant here. I love that literally 30 seconds ago,

I said I love me life and I'm dead happy, and now I'm like, that's just wrong. Email her back. I hate to be a pedant here I love that literally 30 seconds ago I said I love my life and I'm dead happy and now I'm like that's just wrong email her back I mean I feel like anyway it's not a guest deal

I'm on there but it wasn't a guest well okay but it wasn't a guest deal I don't know if this person has mailed off email okay I thought he'd enjoy

the little work around I discovered in a tiny rural pub once I think it's a man I think it's a man okay my dad took me out for a pint at a village pub a few years back it was a typical old man I think it's a man. I think it's a man. Okay. My dad took me out for a pint at a village pub

a few years back. It was a typical old man pub but its USP an excellent point I know what that means. was that it served dozens of special ales

from the barrel and therefore had stacks of awesome beer glasses to go with them. Okay. Probably guest ales. Take it back. No because that's not

what I was talking about. That's not what I was talking about but it's the same thing I suppose so yes. Is that you taking it back? No. Come on what I was talking about that's not what I was talking about but it's the same thing I suppose so yes is that you taking it back no come on no that's me drawing a line

in the sand and saying okay oh you're a prick no because no because if it was guest deals alright let's split the haze even more here

if it was guest deals then of course it's going to be left over one because when the barrel's empty couldn't give a fuck brilliant

going to cut you off because nobody else gives a shit I meant long term lagers I meant long term lagers not guest deals long term loggers. I meant long term loggers not guest deals. Long term loggers.

Problem was the punters kept nicking the glasses. Yeah. Tossers. Twats. So the barkeeper had a strict rule.

You want a pint in a cool glass? You give us your shoe. You can have it back when you leave in exchange for my cool glass. I think that's fucking brilliant the

pub was full of middle-aged happy campers enjoying their interesting pints and hopping to and from the loo with only one shoe on what do you reckon bonkers or genius genius genius absolutely love that love that love that and if you've got like air force ones or like a trainer that's got like a bit of a heel on it you know what i mean like a shoe like a bloke's shoe that's got a little bit of a heel maybe a cuban heel if you think oh it doesn't matter about like you know i'll leave that shoe because this glass is worth more than my shoe yeah running circles you can't leave what do you mean you've got one little one little leg short in there because you've got the heel on on one foot now so you're just running circles and you can't leave anyway just take it off you

while you're running in a circle i totally zoned out when you were talking there great that's really good really good really good what's wrong with this there. Great. That's really good. Really good. Really good. What's wrong with us? There's the doll. There's the doll. That'll be the film crew coming back. God almighty. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Four hours later. In the style of SpongeBob SquarePants, yes. Four hours later. The film crew came back and did stuff for a bit. Let's tell them, tried to film Rafe. He was having none of it. He was a fucking nightmare.

He was awful. Bribed him with biscuits. Absolutely none of it. Unbelievable. And then he did cheer up eventually, so we managed to get a little bit of film with him. I mean, to be fair to him, right,

he literally just woke up from a nap. He's sitting on your mum's knee and we come in and go, hey, son, here's a film crew. And to be fair, he was fucking raging. Yeah. And I don't blame the kid. He wasn't happy at all. He turned it on in and go, hey son, here's a film crew. And to be fair, he was fucking raging. And I don't blame the kid. He wasn't happy at all.

He turned it on in the end though. He turned it on in the end but did some good stuff. We did a bit of sword fighting. He was good. He slathered all over us. We had a bit of a laugh by the end but fuck me,

that was great. He's got teeth. Where's all these teeth coming from? He's got another tooth coming in. He's like a shark. He's going to have two rows of teeth. He's like a fucking great white. So it's now night time.

It's now night time. And we're having a glass of wine. Because cheers. There we go. Cheers, guys. We're doing it. Don't stop. Cheers in the mic.

Why? It just sounds horrible. I heard one of the episodes where you cheers in the mic. It's fucking minging. You're literally hoeing a bit of glass off the pop shield. There's people listening in cars. Cheers, everyone. No, stop it.

Because there's people listening in cars. People are running marathons today. Yeah, but when I go a bit quiet and stuff, and then you fucking have to turn it over, and then you bash a wine glass off. Stop it. Clink, clink. Yes, they understand.

They get it. They get it. Right, so cheers, everyone. We'll have a little glass of wine, and I'm going to sit back and enjoy these stories. I've got one here for you. Dear Chris and Rosie, my name is Emma, and my sister is Lucy.

We in our family enjoy your podcast, especially queues from the pews. We are a family of over-sharers. Put it this way, our favourite feature was Let's Talk About Shit, baby. Happy days, love yous. Love that. Connoisseurs, connoisseurs of the podcast. My sister's long-suffering fiancé of six years has had to put up with many a disgusting story. No shame here, love yous.

Therefore, we were utterly shocked to recently realise he had never heard the story of our friend in brackets, let's call her Betty. Now, what you need to know about Betty

back in the day, we are all in our early 30s now, is that she was a highly sexualised drunken mess. Keeping track of Betty's whereabouts

on a night out and the morning after added an extra level of excitement to the night. Anyway. Sorry. What?

That is the best, most articulate way I've ever heard someone called a slag in me life. Hang on. Highly sexualised, drunken mess. Highly sexualised, drunken mess. I love... Keeping an eye on her where she is on a night and the next morning was a...

She was a slag a she was a slag she was a slag no but they're better friends than I am keeping track of Betty's whereabouts on a night out

and the morning after added an extra level of excitement absolutely not when my friends are minging and I've got to look after them

night ruined thank you I don't know if they're minging I don't know if she's minging drunk I think she's just drunk and hyper

and then shagging because I don't think no I think she's minging drunk I don't think if she's minging drunk. I think she's just drunk and hyper and then shagging. Because I don't think... No, I think she's minging drunk. I don't think she's minging drunk because then you're not going out shagging if you're minging drunk, are you? You're like... I'm so...

Oh, my God. I'm great. I think you'll find that sometimes it's the only time people do shag when they're filthy minging drunk. Falling about, can't get it in. Yeah. Right.

Oh, God. A friend of mine, I'll not name the names but uh back in the day uh her friend who i went to school with both of them and she used to get so drunk that literally you she'd have to take all of her bank cards and all of her like everything off at like she's back in the day when you take your passport out like before you could drive and stuff she's having to keep everything of hers in her bag and it was was just the thing. It's just what she did every night. Like, right, I'll get your stuff. Like, oh my God.

So I've got a mate who, he's been on all the stag do's with me and stuff. Stevie Bone, friend of the podcast, who I had to phone up and ask him what his job was. Stevie has to keep all of Gaz's stuff. So Gaz is my mate and Stevie has to keep all of his stuff. So I didn't realize until about like the third stag do we all went on so in the in the airport it'll be like we'll go through passport check and guys turns on goes

Stevie and Stevie has to get his part get Gaza's passport and give me his passport Stevie keeps all of Gaza stuff on holiday like a dad yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Stevie Braun keeps all of Gazza's stuff keeps all of his money money yeah money boarding pass and on the night when they go on nights out if Gazza wants to go

back to the hotel early Stevie has to take him back and let him in the room because he can't be trusted with a hotel key card shut up yeah he's a fucking menace yeah yeah yeah

yeah but it's literally like dad like he's he's dad on a holiday with him looking after him is Stevie a capable no he is I know he's very he's dad on a holiday with him looking after him is Stevie a capable

I know he is I know he's very he's sensible and he's a good lad but he gets drunk yeah Stevie yeah but he's but not to that level

yeah yeah that's fair enough right okay sorry back to the cue come on then it is anyway back to the night in question

November 2007 the time of fluorescent VKs, waistcoats and Tayo Cruz. Wow. She's speaking our language here. That's our generation. November 2007, I was...

We were just going out clubbing, I think. I wouldn't have been. 15. No, no, 2007. Are you joking? I was in Chorlund Student Comedian of the Year Award 2008. Well, hang on. We left school...

Oh, we left school 2002. Yeah, what are you talking about? All right, sorry. November 2007. I had to be in a stand-up. Right. All right, man. I thought that would start at school in 2002.

Chris, you know what I did? I made a mistake, babes. Absolutely. I made a little boo-boo. Sorry, are you saying... Are you actually saying now on this podcast that doing a little bit of the intro in front of a camera crew and

then doing the next bit without them and then doing the beef with them and then doing some more and then pausing for four hours and filming more stuff and then doing it later on squeezing it in while the kids are next door screaming and shouting with your mom and having a glass of wine has thrown you off a bit yeah what the just a little bit unprofessional just a little bit yeah no oh my god look still got my mic bloody on us. The sticker. Yeah, so she's got a little sticker from the mic, a little furry sticker on her tit from the mic. Oh, it struck me tan off.

It struck her tan off. There's a little white mark, there's a little white circle. Oh, that's great. Oh my God. Oh, look at you, man. Fantastic. Anyway, back to the night in question.

November 2007, the night of fluorescent VKs, waistcoats and Tayo Cruz. Got you, man. Fantastic. Anyway, back to the night in question. November 2007, the night of fluorescent VKs, waistcoats and Tayo Cruz. Got you. Yes. Betty was the first of us to turn 21. Do you think her real name's Betty? No.

Right, okay. She said Betty. Did you say it? She's a different name. Oh, right. Yeah, they said their names, but then she said Betty. We'll call her Betty. We'll call her Betty. Which I was going to call Rafe if he was a girl.

Did you know that? No. It would have been lovely to have been consulted about this. Nice to find out now for the first time. Well, no, we knew what we were going to have. We knew what we were going to have. Yeah, yeah, I suppose. I'm so sorry we keep digressing from the story,

but if we knew that we were going to have a girl, would you have another baby? It was definitely going to have a girl would you have another baby it was definitely going to be a girl would I have to be here for the stuff all of it no

no yes I would if I knew I could definitely have a girl I probably would just because two boys are maniacs yeah it would be nice to have

it would be nice wouldn't it apparently you can do it you know you can pay for it apparently but I don't know actually the thought actually no that's me why just talking about it can i go back can i go back i'm gonna know i'm gonna know i'm gonna know i'm gonna know i'm gonna really strong delete this bit the podcast delete it delete all this gone good because you know someone would call you know some company would get in touch and go hi where the uh pick your gender

company of your baby uh we'll do it we'll do it for you for free if you talk about on the podcast and we'll go oh yeah we were talking shit no yeah sorry absolutely not so betty was the first of us to turn 21 and we wanted to make it special our house was the party house back then in brackets our mum loved being the host to all our friends much like you will be in the future for robin rosie and i think i nailed it yeah i was just thinking there about how much of a nightmare that's going to be i love hostin and my mom my mom and dad were the kind of cool ones where we were allowed people around yeah okay however our mom was away for this certain celebration so our grandma was brought in to supervise in brackets again she's five foot nothing,

weighs about five stone, but can certainly hold her own. She was the first female taxi driver in our town, don't you know? What? I hope she's got a trophy for that. That's pretty cool, isn't it? I love that. First female taxi driver in our town.

Anyway, didn't really matter as Betty's mum was in attendance too. Got you. Her nana supervising, Betty's mum's there attendance too. Got you. So her nana supervising Betty's mum. Now before you think we were being rebellious, our mum was fully aware we had in fact booked a stripper as a special 21st treat. To come to the house with your nana there.

I know. Ten of us chipped in for the all the way package because, you know, Betty. Oh. us chipped in for the all the way package because you know Betty all the way package on arrival I saw hi welcome to strippers.com I noticed you came here in a taxi was a female driver okay yeah so we've got three packages we've got a shakes his ass about in in pants yeah and we've got a bit of pubes yeah we've got three packages We've got Shake his arse about In pants Yeah yeah

We've got Bit of pubes Yeah We've got crab in your eye That'll be That's for certain Certain tour Attendees

Bit of pubes We've got Top of the shaft Oh Top of the shaft We've got full package Yep Full package

I'll go for the full package Yeah because No it's all the way man All the way sorry We've got all the way. They are all standard at different different levels

of financial cost. And it's literally 50 pence more. Is that all? They're all different 50 pence more and he will just gaze

honestly he just wants to gaze no more. He is there. Yeah he's there. He's there. Arse crack? No. Nobody wants to see that. Yeah, he's there. He's there. Arse crack? No. Nobody wants to see that.

The sooner men realise that no woman wants to see their arse crack, the better. That's slander. That's, ugh. On arrival, he double checked with us. How far do you want me to go? All the way, we shrugged. Oh, mate. I'm checking.

That's cute, though, that he checked. Now, things got messier with copious amounts of booze and I, the sober one, grabbing some jam from the fridge to spread all over his policeman's naked torso. Jam? Jam. Sticky. Vile. Things moved very fast and this 40-something policeman was naked very quickly in our mum's front room, gyrating on her floral cushions. Things went from messy to messier. Roedd y polisiant o 40-odd yn nesg yn gyflym iawn yn ein ystafell ffwrdd mab, yn gyflawni ar ei chusiynau ffloraidd.

Roedd pethau'n mynd o'n ddifrif i'n ddifrif, yn rannu, yn thrwstio a phopeth arall y byddech chi'n ei ddisgwyl. Gwylion gyffredinig a dildoedd llwyr. O, nid oedd yn cael ei fod yn llwyr. Roedd yn glir bod wedi cael ei gadael yn ystafell ei holl ddolr a gafodd ei gynnal â'i. O, am ddewr! inside his hole doll that he had brought with him. Oh, for God's sake. More stayed away, but Betty took great delight in swinging it around, almost knocking our mum's glass lampshade. Try explaining that. Might I remind you, our 70-year-old grandma was present during all this, keeping our glasses clean in between shots and refilling the crisp bowls.

Oh, bless her heart. Anyway, as the sober onlooker, but still thoroughly involved, I could see things had taken a turn when he lifted Betty up onto her mum's lap and proceeded to dry hump them both. Oh, my God. Now, the hour was nearly up, the performance coming to an end, and he was reaching his finale. Little did we know what this meant.

He asked Betty to raise her hand palm up as he twirled his flaccid penis around like a majorette's baton and asking again, how far do you want me to go, ladies? What is all the way? Ten pissed up rowdy 20-year-olds chanted back, all the way, all the way, without realising what that in fact meant.

Before we knew it and with no warning, Betty's hand was filled with his finale. That's right. The dirty bastard came on Betty's hand. What the heck? He wasn't even hard. Riddle me that, Ramses. That was my first question.

That was my first question. The room fell quiet as we gazed upon Betty's soggy hands and in slow motion we saw it drop onto my mother's navy blue carpet. That's going to show up. That's going to show up. That's going to show up. In the haze of the moment, I vaguely recall seeing a little wrinkled hand with a tea towel and teeny voice pipe up.

You best get that cleaned up, girls. Now I remained sober as i had work so as the two of girls trotted off to town midweek might i add my grandma and i were left scrubbing up this jolly man's parting gift i just feel like they're literally you'd'd be sat there, all the way, all the way, all the, oh. Oh, no. Right, I've got so many questions.

Yeah. It's the saddest party in the world. Floral cushions, navy blue carpet, I can see the place, written wonderfully, may I add. Yeah, very nice. Well done. Very good, if that is your real name.

Nana there, refilling the crisp bowl. A midweek stripper flaccidly jizzing in your hand while you head off then down to the midweek club. While you sat on your mum's knee. In a town small enough

for people to remember when one woman became the first female taxi driver, I would rather, I'm not joking here, I would rather break my ankle again than go on this night out. I feel like the stripper I fucking hate having a broken ankle. I feel like the

stripper is probably related to one of them girls. Like somehow, second cousin or something. How did he jizz flaccid? I don't understand. Did he just spin his knob around so much that it just came out with the centrifugal force? Do you think?

How far? How far do you want us to... All the way. That's all I need to hear. I don't need to be heard. What do you want? You want it all the way? You just got smeg mad.

Happy birthday. Bon anniversary. Bon Anniversary Why is Bon Anniversary Horrible I actually Sorry I had a really good night here This is a stripper here

Oh you're the stripper What's your name? Darren Dirty Darren I just need a couple extra quid I actually, sorry, I had a really good night here. This is a stripper here talking. Oh, you're the stripper. What's your name? Darren. It's Darren, yeah. Dirty Darren. I just need a couple of extra quid because I did, on the form, you didn't pay in advance for the Bon Anniversary pack.

That is £2.50 extra. For the head or just for the full party? And I am actually allergic to jam. Oh, shit. So that's going to be a bit of trouble for me later in the week. I might lose a couple of bootings because of the rash. I'm going to need an extra £35 for that. Okay. Is that okay?

Yes. Yeah. I've just chused again. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hey, hey. That glass of wine's gone my head. Hey, Chris and Rosie. Do either of you have an embarrassing story

that just pops into your head for no reason and you internally die inside? Like the 3am, why oh why did I do that story? Oh, it's millions of them, too many to list. Can't even come up with one on the top of my head all the time. Yeah. I have many, but this one crops in my head at least once a month, if not more.

That's quite a lot. On my first girls' holiday in Z Zante when I had just turned 18 we all got up dancing on a club bar for a free shot in brackets desperate times. I get it.

I used to do karaoke competitions just for the free drink. Yes. That's unfair because you're like semi-professional. That's not fair.

No I know but if you're out on a night everyone who gets up gets a free drink. I'll have seven songs please. I'll do an album. Here's my cabaret set list. I'm doing Adele, please.

Which song? The full album. Get your fucking pitcher, your four-pint pitcher out, bitch. A godlike man was going to pour the shot in our mouth. Me going first didn't know the etiquette in this scenario and couldn't work out why he was dangling a bottle with one of those

little bar funnel things towards my face. Right. So like any sane person would do, I think, I just sucked it like a baby. I can't trust him to say shiratna mouth probably. Night night. It wasn't until I saw my friends just open their mouths seductively

that I realised you're not supposed to suck the germ death trap, but just meant to open wide to have it poured in. I love it. I love that so much. I quite often think there is a man out there that will never know why a girl sucked on his bottle like an adult baby. And although I know there are many worse stories out there, this one really clings to me. Maybe writing it down will be like some sort of therapy

to erase my memory. Well, I hope it has been. Well, it was afterwards. So he went down the full line of women, put them all in, and then he put the bottle down and he came back and he winded her. Hiya, lovelies. Please keep me anonymous

as family members listen and I don't think they'd be happiest if they heard this story being read out Oh I love that full families lesson Oh my god

It's so nice It's cute isn't it Yeah So my family have a nine year old labradoodle who we all absolutely adore

His name is shall I say his name Will they all know Oh that's yeah that's a good point. But. Betty. No.

Rolo. Rolo. There's loads of Rolos. Right. Loads of dog Rolos. Right, okay. I love Rolos, actually. Do they still sell Rolos?

I haven't had a Rolo for years. Oh, my God. Will you get me some Rolos for Christmas, please? Like a tube. Really? For Christmas. Rosie, there's a shop at the end of the road i could just go oh bless you no i would really like a tube no you're not the tube that you get them in

don't do this no i'm not i'm not like i'm that was a lovely moment i thought and literally me and everyone else listening here i thought you going to say will you get me some tomorrow will you get me some for Christmas it's like a montage she goes to her calendar tomorrow and she puts a big cross on Christmas day

and she writes for all of us and then every day she's crossing off looking out the window the seasons are changing it's snowing I think it's nice to think of little gifts

that the kids can buy for work do you know what I mean I'd like roll-os off the kids but in the christmas part of the christmas jube opening your advent calderon it's nice chocolate but it's not them 23 days tell me not all of us were only children chris i am stuck in a world where you ask for things for certain occasions i think it's beautiful i think it's beautiful that you've just asked for rollers for christmas and when you get just rollers and no other presents at christmas i'll play this i'll be seething oh you've changed but you've said

okay back to back to rollo the dog he's absolutely lush but as with all dogs he has a few minging habits one of these is chewing at his paws constantly He gnaws away at his paws and has done since he was a puppy. Nothing unhealthy, it's just a habit. Similarly, he chews his toenails, so we often find little pieces of nail lying around the house. Rank, I know. My dad and my dog are obsessed with each other and have an absolutely mint relationship,

but sometimes I think they're a bit too close. I've always found it a tad weird where my dad lets rolo lick his feet but you know he's a dog what's the harm that's weird however a few weeks ago i made a slightly more grotesque discovery seemingly as payment for the dog cleaning my dad's feet on a regular basis my dad will bite the dog's toenails for him no i mean way yeah dog's toenails are rock solid so i doubt it makes much difference but my dad seems to think it's only fair so i will i walked in on this occurrence occurrence occurrence i don't know and watched on i'm too stunned in horror as my dad and dog

maintained loving eye contact as he chiseled away at Rolo's toenails I can't I can't I can't I can't my dad says

absolutely nothing wrong with this even though I'm sure it will make him ill eventually it's gonna make him ill it's really gonna make him ill just thought the story sounded right up your street

and was wondering do you guys find it weird as well it's completely rancid in my eyes. Thanks so much and love yous both. From the daughter of a dog pedicurist. Are you alright? I'm stunned. Have you ever heard a dog's nails scratch on a pavement or anything?

Awful. So what are they made of? Sorry? What's a dog's toenails made of? Is it hair? What? What are they? toenails made of? Is it hair? What? What are they? Nails.

Nails? I don't know. But what's our nails made of? Hair. Is it hair? Is it thick hair? What the hell's going on? Did I read somewhere that nails are just really thick bits of hair?

Is it the same? I think it might be the same kind of thing. Yeah. So is that what... Oh, jeez, I'll have to Google it. You've done it again. You've done it again. You've said something so fucking stupid

that it sounds real. And now my laptop has to have written into it are nails made of hair, which is, I mean, Christ, a lie. I feel like they are. Right, okay, let's find out i've got so much and i've got a story about a dog as well before okay oh good talk about your nails made of right the top ones here i've just heard that our nails made of calcium keratin bone iron dead

cells oh jesus i'm writing first person in the history of google most of us know apparently not these two twats most of us know that nails are made of a tough dead substance called keratin the same material that makes up hair yes yes thank you apologies full apologies thank you i'm very very sorry thank you And I will bite your nails later if you want to. The problem is, I don't say it with enough conviction. Yeah. That's because I don't, because I never know if I'm right. Yeah. I should really go, they're made of hair.

Yeah. And you would go, are they? And I'd say, yes. It would work really well for you because you'd go, they're made for hair. And I would scream and go, no, they're not. And then I'd Google it and then I'd have to eat all the pie. But what are dogs made of? The same?

Hair? Dog hair? Oh. Just go back onto this Google. Just write the word dog in between R and nail. Are dog nails made of hair? Abstract. Canine claws are complex epithetical structures

resembling the mammalian hair fibre. Oh. Okay. Right. So maybe the same kind of thing, yeah. Keepian hair fibre. Oh. Okay. Right. So maybe the same kind of thing, yeah. Keep thick hair. Characterisation. Characterisation.

We can all agree that dog's nails are crazy thick. I've never even seen a dog get their nails clipped. It must be like biting dry macaroni. Oh. Hard on that. One, what's under that dog's nails? It walks on the pavement. Shit. Yeah, it walks on the pavement. Shit?

Yeah, it walks on the pavement, it walks in grass, it has a shit and it scratches the floor. This man has either got the greatest fucking immune system in the world or he's going to die soon. Yeah. The fact that he lets the dog lick his feet, by the way. People out there who sit with your bare feet and let your dog sit and lick the feet for hours on end,

tell me that's not sexual. I don't believe you. Right? I don't think it is. You're a bunch of fucking dog botherers. I'm going to, in their defence, right? In their defence. Yeah.

We've got kids. Yeah. Kids, I do a lot, I let them do a lot more than what I should. Ray's been pulling my hair since the day he was born. I genuinely thought you were going to say he's licking your feet. No.

But you let them off. I can imagine that with you were going to say he's licking your feet. No, but you let them off. I can imagine that with a dog as well. Your dog licks your feet. It's not doing you any harm, so you just go, just let him lick your feet. Just let him fucking lick. Honestly, let him lick them dry.

Lick them dry. Might be quite good. I've got really dry feet. I might need a good lick from a dog. They've got really, they can fix stuff, like scabs and that. If they lick scabs and stuff

they heal quicker right that is true don't google that shit oh that is true don't google it it is true okay let's have a look can dog saliva can dog saliva heal wounds faster dogs faster dog saliva is antibacterial but it probably won't heal wounds fuck's sake so you were doing so well weren't you

oh you're such a dick you were doing so well and then you wound up your bullshitometer and it overshot didn't it

listen I've got a oh what's your dog story the guy biting the dog's nails it's fucking horrific I'm sorry I love dogs I absolutely love dogs

I'd love a dog but that's mental dogs have got weird little habits just said about biting the legs uh someone i know the the neighbor had a dog right and we used to watch the dog walk past the house when the dog when they walk the dog have i ever told you this the way the dog had a shit yeah oh hang on i don't know some people know that some dogs do this for some weird reason. So this dog would only have a shit, right, if it would back up to the wall and it would walk its back legs up the wall and it would shit, like, onto the wall.

Wow. Does that make sense? So, like, it's doing a handstand. I've seen dogs when they're walking and pissing on their front legs. Yeah, but this dog, we used to watch it. It was coming past, it was coming past the dog. It would always have a shit in the same place and it would back its legs up. Wow. And it past it was coming past the door and it would always have a shit in the same place and it would back its legs up

wow and it would walk its legs up the wall and it would basically shit and it would go on the wall all over the dog's back dog's head but it would only shit

like up against the wall mental why absolutely like spraying a hose in the air ew absolutely mental

and what did the owners just have to clean it every day like after a shit picking off the scraper off the wall picking off the dog's back mental

if that dog ever had diarrhea oh my god swamp beast were they quite hard there would have been a times because you can

pick them up can't you honestly I love dogs and I would love to have a dog but standing watching someone pick up dog shit

is one of the saddest moments I've told you how sad I feel when I'm driving and I kind of look and go oh there's a dog's arse having a shit

the moment you're driving past and you see a dog shitting you feel bad I feel like I'm invading this space I want to wind the window and go sorry mate how are you Labrador sorry mate I didn't mean to watch you having a shite I just happened to be coming past a dual carriageway at the same time sorry mate sorry happy shitting

getting the bag out that's the thing isn't it the dog's like god i'm doing that shaking thing right and they want to just cry staniel get me bag out make sure everyone sees i'm not gonna leave it yeah i'm not gonna leave it i know yous are all looking but i'm not gonna leave it i'm getting me bag out people who do leave dog shit though i hate you yeah i actually hate you the worst i've said before the amount of times I've had to clean my Ben's shoes my shoes and the pram

literally you're going to hell you're going to hell was it your sister or is it my friend that says picking up dog shit on a cold day

is quite nice well because it's warm it might have been Cade probably I don't know it was either your sister or Jason Cooke I don't know who it was

definitely Jason Cooke absolutely that's got Jason Cook all over it he takes it out with him on a walk sticks it up his

jumper thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mourn Annoyed which is part of the ACAST creator

network yes thank you very much it was bloody on shuffle it was on rewind there was all kinds going on this week. It's been an intense one this week.

Thanks for hanging in there, guys. Big love. We'll be back in ETS next week. As always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmarinoid at gmail.com. And our tour's on sale as well. Are you sure? We haven't mentioned that for a while.

I forgot about it. I had a meeting about it the other day and I was like, oh, Christ. Next year, 2023. You've got a year. Don't worry, we'll be out there having a right laugh with you. Can't wait to see you all again.

I think it's November and December. The date's on the website. I can't be expected to remember them at this point. I mean, that's horrendous, but I don't remember them either. Oh, wow. Wow. Hypocrite.

Guys, see you next week. Bye. Bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.