Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 190. Just be chill

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

The Ramey's are back and Rosie wants to know why Chris 'can't be more chill?'... There's vasectomy chat, a safe lucrative sponsor and some hypothetical life planning for Chris. The QFTP's involve a strange choice of sex toy, a bad smell and some misinformation on pubes. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Hope everyone's alright out there. Hope you're having a lovely little time. How are you, Rosie? I'm good, actually. Yeah? I didn't get slagged off there? You didn't see Huseband or Lover or anything stupid? No, no, no. Or anything nasty? We're getting on alright at the minute. We're having a nice little time.

We're doing alright. We had a little, one of them, you know, relationship chats that you have to have every now and again. Had one of them the other day and it's worked a treat. You kind of do, don't you?

It's important to chat. I suppose. Because we do, we're chatting on here, but there is some stuff that you wouldn't chat about because people always do that thing where they go,

is anything off limits? And you go, fucking loads of stuff. Absolutely fucking loads of stuff is off limits on here. I mean, don't get us wrong. We'll probably share a lot more than most people.

Yeah, there's a lot. But yeah. But aye, I'm all good. That annoying thing that I was filming, that is actually really good. It's going to be an amazing show, but took a fuckload of time. It's done.

So I'm back home for the week. Yeah, thank God for that. Podcasting is now a full-time job again. Absolutely sick of having the kids on me own. Yeah, you were. To the point where... I want to say you handled it like a trooper. I handled it really well. And stoically and sort of silently, you didn't. You were a fucking own. Yeah, you were. To the point where... I want to say you handled it like a trooper. I handled it really well

and stoically and sort of silently. You didn't. You were a fucking dick. You were a nightmare. Every time I phoned you, it was like I was ringing you and you were in a trench during a war. That's how it felt.

And your bullets go... That's how it felt. Made it, made it. I'm not... I don't... This is going to sound terrible, but there's times when I think, you know, like,

if we split up or something like that, I'd go, right, okay, well, fair enough. I'd be good in that, but I'd be fine. I'd cope. I don't know.

Honestly, need the extra pair of hands. Again, I've said, when you hear someone get, I'm sure I've said it on here, when you hear someone gets divorced, have I said this?

No, I don't know. When they get divorced and you go, oh yeah, she won. I see it in an American movie and you go,

oh, she won, yeah. Yeah, she got sole custody of the kids. You go, yeah, fucking you won. You won, mate. Every other weekend. Every, oh, she won, yeah. Yeah, she got sole custody of the kids. He goes, yeah, fucking you won.

You won, mate. Every other weekend. Every other weekend. You fucking, you. Congratulations. No, don't. Because actually,

if it did happen and I only got to see the kids every other weekend, I would be sad. So I've got a lot of sympathy for that. But then at the same time, it would be quite nice.

it's relative. Sometimes people who like, you know, I remember that time I called Robin a dick on Twitter for a laugh. I was like, he cried for his bottle. I went downstairs, did his bottle while he was screaming.

That's when he was a baby. I think it was twat actually. Yeah, I was like, I put the bottle in his mouth, fell straight asleep, won't drink it. What a twat. And then people were like tweeting and going, you shouldn't say that.

It's a miracle. But it's relative. It's all fucking relative. But what I do like is when other people do it. So I know I did enjoy it at the mini golf the other week when that person was slagging the kids off. And I did enjoy it. it's relative it's all fucking relative um but what i do like is what other people do it so i know um i did enjoy it at the mini golf the other week when that person was slagging the kids off and i did enjoy it our friends came to our house the other day and uh vicky walked onto the doorstep and said to me as i was letting her in she went i'm just having one of them days where

i just don't know why i had kids and i went ah come on come on you've come to the right place and we all have them days you love place. And we all have them days. You love your kids, but we all have them days. But listen, it's episode 190. That's exciting. Why is it exciting? I don't know, because it's like rolling on towards 200. 10 off 200.

What should we do? Should we do something good? No, no, we said that to 100. Remember for 100, we were like, we'll do something amazing. We'll film it. And then we just went, well, episode 100, we've done fuck all. Here's your usual fucking plate of gruel

and you'll enjoy it we're just we're shitting it like the back planning let's do something good episode 200 episode 200 well let's definitely

do a plonkast let's oh yeah let's do a plonkast live on an open top bus while going through the streets of Newcastle

could we? no I've already gone off it. Annoyingly, I thought you'd immediately say no and now that you, well I could do it, I'm like, well yeah, possibly, but it would be the worst thing in the world. I mean, I know we're going to do the tour, which is like, obviously like a live

podcast, but should we do one where we just kind of let like a select road, like 50 people come and listen to the podcast? What, in person yeah no it's really weird like you know when is this how you start your swingers club it's 50 years coming it's just the podcast so we're doing it again bring your car keys put them in the ball oh just five people now would you know i'm absolutely not gonna be a swinger but you know when jesse j she always does these little one-off gigs where there's only a few

people and i'm like how did they get them tickets? Right, yeah. Because I want to go. Ed Sheeran does them now and then as well, like a little private gig. But how do you know about that? How do people find out

about shit like that? Yeah, I don't know. I want to be in the know. Yeah. But then they'd go out to the state and I'd go, I can't. It's what?

Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, oh, I'm busy. Yeah. I'm full of ideas, mate. I'm always full of like, oh, yes, let's book this day out,

going out next week. I can't be arsed. God out next week I can't be arsed already can't be arsed as soon as I text the lads to ask them to do something when they say they can do it I'm automatically like oh I wish I hadn't said that

yeah I know gutted I wish I could go back in time I'm just lazy I'm lazy but I do no no do you know what

we're definitely not doing anything special we're just gonna do oh fuck right okay we've gone in full circle here we might do an Instagram post oh god

a story remember Instagram lives remember we did that Instagram live for the mothers meeting thing that you did Right, okay. We've gone in full circle here. We might do an Instagram post. Oh, God. A story. Remember Instagram Lives? Remember we did that Instagram Live for the mother's meeting thing that you did and read out the raffle tickets for about four hours? Yeah, and Robin woke up halfway through. Oh, God. So I had to stop.

That's one of the worst things ever. What the fuck were we thinking? I don't know how our phone batteries lasted. Anyway, listen, it is episode 190. Make of that what you will in 10 episodes. What'll happen? Probably nothing. However, thank you so much for listening.

Thank you so much for coming back. We hope you're all right and well and happy wherever you are. And it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Can't wait. This week's sponsor is something everyone can relate to, I think. This week's sponsor is, from when you're about 16 all the way up until you're 36, I don't know why, this week's sponsor is buying condoms. Why is it so mortifying?

Why? Why did I go to the shop to buy some condoms the other day? And why was I Stop telling people that sometimes we'll have sex. What are you talking about? We haven't had sex.

I've been making balloons. I've been making balloon animals. Just get the fucking snip. Listen. Hurry. Listen to me. Stop cancelling your vasectomy. He's had three of them

and he's cancelled all three of them. Right, right, right. I've had three vasectomy consultations booked in and life and work and things happen, right? Yeah. And you, again...

Well, can I just... No, can we just stay here, though? Sorry. No, I don't... Well, kind of mean to interrupt you. People are going to be like, what do you mean consultations? He's not doing the NHS route.

He's going private. Well, because I know... Because he doesn't want to sit in the waiting room and have a test day. Yeah, exactly. Everyone listening, right? I am not going to a fucking normal NHS hospital.

I love them. They'd probably do a better job, to be fair. But I am not sitting in the waiting room with all of you fuckers who listen to this taking photos of us going, ah, she got you to do it, did she? But they'll be having them as well. I am going into that for a second, me please.

Like, you know when a fucking murderer gets taken into court and they've got him handcuffed and they've got a coat over his head so no one can take a photo I'll be getting muscled in like that by two security

it's going to cost me a fortune this but the thing is though I think you forget where you live because we live in this weird world at the minute where actual private

and not private merge into one so you'll probably you're thinking you're thinking that you're not going to see anyone there's going to be people there everyone will probably

they'll send you to the NHS anyway because it's fucking amazing yeah exactly so listen right I don't think you're going to get away with it but anyway

by the by I've booked three consultations and I've had to cancel all three of them first of all stuff happened life and things like that

also you what you always do is oh can you do that no I've got that this afternoon oh well you've got that concert when did you book that I fucking told you always do is oh can you do that no i've got that this afternoon oh well you've got that concert when did you book that i fucking told you i told you when i didn't tell you right i always tell you when i book it right do you know how embarrassing it is falling up

three times and cancelling your consultation it's the same guy it's the same guy i speak on the phone rosie it's the same guy i speak on the phone and i genuinely went from the third time i went i'm not scared you know me no word of a lie right i went I went, I'm not scared, you know me. No word of a lie, right? I went, I'm not scared. Like, I'm not frightened. I'm just like life and I'm busy. He went, no problem, sir. Can I just genuinely, right?

Okay. I promise you, we do actually talk. Well, no, we don't talk that much off this podcast. But do you honestly want it done? Do you genuinely, are you like 100% positive you don't want any more kids? I definitely don't want any more kids. What if I died? Would you want them with someone else uh who i'm trying to think of a really uh is she gonna be is she gonna be uh amazing and the best person

i've ever met and then when she has kids she turns into a bit of a cunt because that's gonna happen again if that's gonna happen again again i'm out no do you know what it is right okay well yeah i'm gonna give you two scenarios right yeah the first scenario is right she is um like shit she doesn't out she can't be asked she doesn't really want much with the kids right you're gonna end up doing everything i thought you said i thought you said you died okay this is just you and this is just you and a wig funny guy it is just you in a wig. Funny guy. This is just you in a wig and a pair of glasses. Hello. My name is Mr. Burns.

Okay, Mr. Burns, what's your first name? I don't know. Second scenario is she can just do everything. She's a multitasker. You do nothing with that kid. You literally come in, hire a couple of trains on a train set, the nose and that's it and she does everything else she does everything else done houses clean kids are fed the lot yeah i'm not marrying you have

another one i'm not marrying your mom you can fuck off you've literally described the two women you've described here are you kidding two women you've described as your mom and yourself and uh so bad it's so bad I'm totally joking yeah you're talking to Sandra now when she can give them back not back in the day back in the day my mum

oh no shit no okay thank you for really dragging the podcast down by saying what if I died great chat

love how much you bring me you've genuinely got to talk about it okay you've got to talk about these things because getting a vasectomy is quite a big thing I'm 36 I don't want any more kids

right okay then well then stop cancelling your appointment stop making us cancel it it's what it's you You've got to talk about these things because getting a vasectomy is quite a big thing. I'm 36. I don't want any more kids. Right, okay then. Well, then stop cancelling your appointment. Stop me? I'm going to cancel it? What, it's you? Why have you done that? What?

At the same time, we've got to pick the kids up. Yes, the guy's only got certain office hours. Every time you are going, it was meant to be pick-up time. He's only got certain office hours. Oh, do you know what it is? I'm really lazy and if I can get out

of going to pick Robin up from school, I will do anything to do that so well you can go and buy the condoms because i'm sick of it right woman in morrison's thinks i'm a pervert no she doesn't you had to buy i bought so i bought so many extra things to hide them and cover them up you know and then when i put them on a conveyer belt i put like i put i think i put chicken dippers over the top of the box and then she beat them and threw them down and i grabbed them like threw them in the box straight away i don't know what a very big box it was very presumptuous of you i seen it when i was back in the shop and

i was like vomit and then secondly why is there so many it came uh it was actually i could buy like the normal box or the slightly bigger box or this was an extra one and it actually it's got wheels and a handle and i just wheeled it out i seen a great meme the other day oh sorry i'm not sorry talk about memes. Yeah. It was some lesson she said, the best thing,

the best way to make a lad wear a condom is talk about how much you want children. Brilliant. I don't get, I don't get, I've never understood

blokes who don't want to wear them. I've never understood. It doesn't bother me. Hey, hey, you last longer? Oh, Jesus. You last longer? Well, that one. Said like a true't bother me. Hey, hey. You last longer? Oh, Jesus. You last longer?

Without one? You said like a true squirter. Honestly. Oh. Without one, honestly. You look at it and I go, thanks, bye. Shower time.

Can we not talk about this anymore? It makes us feel sick. Let's talk about you dying again. I was loving that. That'll cheer us all up. Here's a jingle. Here's a jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle.

So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to Should Chris Get A Vasectomy? Oh god, fucking right saga this. This vasectomy saga.

Honestly, it's gone on like the bloody Lord of the Rings. The crazy thing is, once you get it done, we're going to have to let everyone know. Yeah. It's going to be one and things. Again. Well, there's my Open Top Bus tour again. I'll do that again. Do your next tour. Actually, you're never going on a tour ever again. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I'll get

to put them now. I'm going to do that when I get my vasectomy. Like when a football team wins the league and they go Open Top Tour around their city. I'll be like,

ah, wrong shields. I did it, guys. I did it. Loads of blokes going, he's so brave. Spunking on everyone going, you'll not get pregnant. It's not in it.

If you get a vasectomy and that tiny little percentage that gets pregnant, I'll be fucking deceiving. There's still a chance I'll get a vasectomy. I think so, yeah. A very, very small chance. I don't like the sound of this. I don't like the sound of this. Anyway, listen.

But I don't want to be insensitive because, you know, I sometimes just feel like it's a bit insensitive when we talk about stuff like that about not and people try really hard to have babies

and I know so many people I know and it's all relative I know but it's such a hard thing look when we had

the miscarriage yeah horrendous yeah do you know what we never talked about actually right if you're bringing the mood down

I'll bring the mood down with you let's bring the mood down just for a minute what we never talked about is um when uh you had the we had the miscarriage yeah and then the then we tried and tried and tried and then you got pregnant with rave you had to go into that scan on your own i wasn't allowed in so you had to go in into that room where there's no fucking signal and i had to sit outside in the car and then you sent as a

photo of the scan but obviously because the when we went for the miscarriage scan, it was just an empty fucking, an empty screen, wasn't it? Honestly, I still think about that. I could burst into tears thinking about that. Well, I'll tell you something else that's quite sad, if we're bringing the mood down. Yeah. So many ladies who had to have babies on their own,

their first babies during lockdown. Terrifying. And their partners were literally only allowed in for like the pushing. Yeah. I just feel I've got so much sympathy and like and I just think

it must have been so hard because weirdly with Rafe being our second when you left after an hour yeah quite glad brilliant

it was quite nice to have a bit of time he was there but they don't do much at that age it was quite nice I stayed in an extra night because I was like

I would rather not go home yeah because them two get on my fucking tits yeah and then obviously 10 days when he was 10 days old

because I'm a team player I broke my ankle yes you did still never really forgive that's when it went a bit south wasn't it what my ankle

relationship relationship will never heal and the ankle still sometimes gives us a bit of a chip that was a bad point in our relationship oh god yeah that was bad times second baby c-section yeah lockdown yeah Relationship will never heal in the ankle still. Sometimes give us a bit of a tip. That was a bad point in our relationship. Oh, God, yeah.

That was bad times. Second baby. C-section. Yeah. Lockdown. Yeah. Broken ankle. Fucking horrible.

That was bad. That was bad. That was all of them, wasn't it? Bad times. Anyway, we're all right now. Well, if we want to bring the mood back up, what I did was I elected to sleep downstairs with Rave so you could get some sleep, but I didn't sleep. I just sat and played on Call of Duty Zombies all night

and then I slept during the day to make lockdown go quicker. Yeah. I had a great time. I know. Best couple of days of my life, huh? That was clever. Yeah. Well, then you caught on and went, actually, this is mental.

I went, ah, she's fucking, she's caught on. Honestly, winning streaks on zombies have never been the same since. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Bee? What's your bee for, you fucking cunt? Jesus. Oh, God, I'm sorry. Sorry to anyone listening to that on a speaker in the house.

Crikey. Crikey. Do you know what? Sometimes just love, like, just love dropping a swear. Oh, I love swearing. Oh, I'm sorry, don't you? I'm sorry, because that's quite... No, I'm not sorry.

I've said it, you know, if you're offended by swearing, you're the worst. It's lush, isn't it? Yeah. it if you're offended by swearing you're the worst it's lush innit yeah just look just get oh you fucking fuck you oh it makes you feel better

it's cathartic it's beautiful something vibrated off my lip then it was weird something vibrated off your lip oh it was quite sexy was it now should I go and get a condom

it's getting tingling I'll go and get me oh god no it wasn't that sexy don't please god bring the condoms in beep beep beepling. I'll go and get me. Oh, God, no. I'll go and get the... It wasn't that sexy. Don't, please, God. Bring the condoms in. Oh, no, I'm... Beep, beep, beep.

I'm so poorly. I've got a headache. Back them in, lads. Back them in. I can't. I just can't. Oh, God. Good stuff.

I put some lipstick on. Yeah. You look like a prostitute. What's your beef? What is my beef with you? Yeah. It's probably a bit ridiculous, but at the minute,

we've got the decorators coming in and they're going to do some painting for us I keep asking you your opinion and you're like you don't have an opinion you don't have an opinion and it fucks me off that you don't have an opinion but then sometimes you do have an opinion and it doesn't match mine and I just want to

if you're going to have an opinion just agree with what I've picked. Can everyone just pause for a moment and really just deconstruct what they've just heard there? What this fucking dictator, to use the person who'd slagged the kid off last, what this tyrannical dictator has just said to me is, when the decorators or the people come round

and ask their opinion, just agree with what I say. Yeah. Right? Right? Stop. Stop. No, stop.

Saying I don't have an opinion is exactly the same as agreeing with what you say. But it would just be nice if you, it's like involvement that I want. But you don't.

Don't want your opinion. But you fucking don't. I just want you involved. I want you to go, oh, that's lovely that. Right, well I will when it's done. Yeah. You're a fucking, you're absolutely, you've actually lost your mind. But you fucking don't. I just want you involved. I want you to go, oh, that's lovely, that. Well, I will when it's done. Yeah.

You're a fucking... You've actually lost your mind. I know, a little bit. But then at the same time, you're the one who's... We don't need it done. Oh, why are you doing it? I just don't want it done.

I just don't want it done. I can't be arsed. But then we sit there and it's done and you go, oh, this is... Look at this. This is beautiful. And I go, do you know the hoops I had to jump through

to get here with you? The hoops. Hoops. All right, love. Where do you want it? There. get here with you? The hoops. Hoops. All right, love. Where do you want it? There. What colour do you want it? That one.

Yeah. What does your husband think? He's agreed with me. Boom. Done. Shut up, man. How dare you? I know.

Check your privilege. Check your privilege. Yeah. Privilege. I've got beef with you. Oh, come on then. My beef with you is we've got a water filter now

a little water filter for the fridge something's happened with the fucking tap I don't know what it is there's a heating pipe close to the when cold water comes

out hot and it's doing me tits in right got a little water filter right you one you never fill a water filter up

I've seen you I've seen honestly I've seen you take that jug up and fill a bath with the fucker and then not put any water back in it, right? That's,

don't believe what he says. You're dowsing yourself with it like you're a flame, right? It's like a music video. Oh, you're not on stage now. You're pouring it all over. It's a form of a stage. There's an audience.

And you're not on stage, by the way, you're not on stage now. That's the worst fucking, that is, that is route one crack, by the way. That is,

what do you mean? That is when I first started stand up, I did a couple of gigs. A few people heard I did stand-up and then I said something funny in the pub and one of the lads goes, you're not on stage now. That is route one.

That is page number one. It's true though. Social heckler's handbook. It's true though. I'm flabbergasted. You're not on stage now. Great. I'm always on stage.

You won't fill the water up. No. Right? I just don't think you need to do it every single time. Yeah, you do. Whatever you take out, put back in. You can get about six glasses out of that jug. Yes.

But when you get a glass out, just put a glass back in. No. Who lives like that? People who want a fucking jug of water! No, because then it's too full. You always have it full to the brim and it's hard to pour. It's not. It actually is, Chris. It comes from a different brim and it's hard to pour? It's not. It actually is, Chris.

It's fucking hard to pour. It comes from a different bit. The bit in the top bit can't come out as it's pouring. You're wrong. It's too full. No, because it won't come through. It'll just sit in the top bit. It'll sit in the top bit.

It won't come through. But guys, this was the pathetic bit, right? I caught her doing it. She fucking poured herself six pints of water and then I went, what are you doing? I went, you need to fill it up. And she went, what? No, I didn't. And I went, you do then I went, what are you doing? I went, you need to fill it up. And she went, what? No, I don't. And I went, you do? And you went,

can you remember? You went, every time. I went, yes, every time. Do you know what she said? She went, well, I don't want to use it then. She put it on the bench and walked off like a teenager. No, and I don't want to use it. Brilliant. To the point where I might use it. No, listen. No, don't. Warm water is probably better for me.

I have sensitive teeth anyway warm water actually to be fair absorbs quicker into your body it does cold water helps you lose weight though right well

look if you don't want to use it don't use it that can be my joke and you can go and drink on the fucking toilet right this is where

we just differ so much because there's nothing laid back about you at all and I sometimes think no he's got I'm like he's got to be about something I'm like there's got to be something, he's got, I'm like, he's got to be about something.

I'm like, there's got to be something that he's a bit chilled about, right? But then we'll buy a water jug and I've realised that it's just, it's just everything. It's just, I can't live a life where, so now every time I have a glass of water, I've got to fill the fucking bag every day.

Because you've took some out. But why can't I have three? Why can't I have three glasses of water, right? In the morning, I probably have about three glasses of water. What if I want to have three? And then there's none left?

What if you're not here? I am here because I see you're filling it. I have one. I have one. You have one, right? And then we'll fill it. And then you have one.

I have one. And then we'll fill it. Not after every... Why after every... I'm going to cry. I'm actually going to cry. This is how much you've got us frustrated.

Right. Why can't you just be relaxed about one thing? First of all, if you're going to cry, cry into the filter you've got us frustrated. Right. Why can't you just be relaxed about one thing? First of all, if you're going to cry, cry into the filter and we'll use them as well. No, I can't be

because it's the wrong way. Listen, it's just nothing. He's not chill about anything. See, this is it, right? He's always got to use the coaster. He has to fill up the fucking...

You can't leave the fridge open for longer than 10 seconds. Oh, you. You. God, somebody call. What's his fucking face who does all the global warming stuff?

Someone, ring them because I'm obviously ruining the fucking planet opening the fridge for longer than 10 bastard seconds. You open the fridge and do a sponsored water on the kitchen. I've seen nothing like it. Because it's just a cupboard. I'm busy. It's not a cupboard.

I'm busy. I'm so busy. Greta Thunberg is furious for you. No, that's not her who I was thinking of. All right, well, it sort of would have worked in the joke. Leonardo DiCaprio, maybe. Here's the thing, right? He's into all that.

Here's the thing. Sorry, Leo. People who... He's definitely listening. People... I still put your blob on. Ring me. Connor, Leo's here.

I get the cup. Beep. Listen. What? People who claim to be laid back... People have done this to me, why aren't you chill about anything? No, I'm chill about stuff.

I'm just not chill when some fucking prick is doing things wrong and making it. It's selfish. Yeah, it's selfish because there's no work for anyone else. People, no, let's finish. I would never leave it empty. Let me just say,

I would never leave it empty. You left it empty on the bench yesterday. You said it needed cleaning and you just left it on the bench. I had to clean it. You left it on the bench. It had to clean it. You left it on the bench. It was there for four hours. I counted.

See? People who are fucking lazy, selfish, ignorant pricks always claim to be laid back. Dear listener, do you have this in your life? Do you have someone who...

Students do it a lot. It's like, oh man, why aren't you chill? Why am I not chill? Because there's a fucking bin bag in the corner we're playing buckaroo

with the fucker. That's why I'm not chill. That's a uni thing. in the corner we're playing buckaroo with the fucker that's why I'm not chill that's a uni thing that was horrible do you know what I mean just be chill just do your fucking dishes and I'll be chill

I'm chill about loads of things I'm chill about loads of things tell me something that you are chilled over I tell you what I'm not chilled when I'm being repressed being oppressed by someone

that's when I'm not chilled mind all of that still my biggest bugbear with you ever right you're literally hitler the war now you're the fucking can we do that can you not call us hitler it's like living with hitler no it's not it is it is still though the thing i will never understand you can just leave an unmade bed that's it i don't get that don't get it so one thing that i'm like how is he not why can't you just be chilled because why can't you just be chilled and relaxed about this don't understand see works both ways yeah i'm genuinely quite thirsty right because we're talking about water loads yeah good

toilets over there and lap it up oh why are you so disgusting? Egg. That changes slightly every week. But yes, love the eggs. Come on, bring them on. Hi Rosie and Chris. I am away on a girls weekend in Magaluf.

In brackets, yes we are 32, yes I have two kids, yes it was the cheapest deal and yes we were in bed by 10 on our first night. Listen, you fucking enjoy yourselves, lasses. Exactly, mate. Don't you worry about a thing. Magaluf shag a scruff. Brilliant. Is that still a thing? Don't know. I think scruff's a bit offensive, but whatever. Fair enough.

Who knows anymore? I don't know anymore. Who cares anymore? Nah. Shag a muff? Well, yeah. But that'll be the boy version. Yeah, if you want to. Shag a muff. hopefully that muff would be attached to a human woman um because just a muff on its own i mean where have you found that it's just gone all gone a little bit i think we need to slightly apologize for all the shouting earlier as well wasn't it yeah sorry about that we got a bit intense but genuinely least chilled out man you'll ever meet

do you remember all of the different names for like places abroad no isn't there isn't there not no

what is this I don't know I'm getting it mixed up because obviously Shaggisgrove but then when someone's Elevenarief

oh Elevenar reef that's always fun that whoever came up with 11 a reef i genuinely find it to be one of the best jokes like yeah not that you'd hear from a professional comic on stage one of the best sort of now i'll use it if i'm ever on stage yeah great hack hack boo heard it if you haven't if you don't know what it is so um it's basically the way to describe someone who's just you know if you haven't if you don't know what it is so it's basically the way to describe someone who's just you know if you say

oh I went I got one of them things and they're like oh I've had one for for 10 years yeah someone who basically brags and awes

is better than you yeah if you went to 10 a reef they'd go to 11 a reef again whoever came up with that joke absolutely fantastic yeah let's hear about this ick

anyway I was minding my own business floating in the pool when a guy caught my eye what Mae'n hollol wych. Iawn, gadewch i ni ddod i'r afael â'r icht. Ie. Roeddwn i'n ymwneud â fy nheulu fy hun yn ffloatio yn y pwll pan ddodd gwybodaeth yn fy mhyn. Beth? Sgwrn. Beth sy'n ddangos? Nid oedd hi'n gwneud sgwrn, mae hi'n ffloatio. Beth mae hi'n ei wneud? Mae hi'n ymwneud â'r hwyrfa.

Yn y corp? Nid yn ymwneud â'r ffwrdd. Yn y gorff? Mae hi'n debyg yn y lilo. Ie, ond mae hi'n... Ffloatio yn y pwll. Ie, iawn. Rwy'n cael gwneud sgwrn amdano, oherwydd nid oedd hi'n dweud, Probably on a lilo. Yes, but it's just really like she didn't. Floating in the pool. Yes, right. Okay.

I'm allowed to laugh at it because she didn't say I was on my lilo in the pool or I was swimming in the pool or I'm chilling in the pool. She said I'm floating like a turd. It's just a very, I'm sorry. It was a, it's just a really funny way to explain what you're doing. How was your holidays? God, just floated in the pool all the time. Like a fucking leaf. Okay, fair enough.

I didn't think it was that funny, but you know. I got it. She's minding her own business floating in the pool, like you say. And I got sucked into the filter. It was terrifying. So she's noticed a guy caught my eye. He was putting chapstick on his lips.

Not an ick by itself, but he was pursing his lips. The way that you would put your lips to blow a whistle and then was repeatedly just rubbing the chapstick round his lips for ages. Do you know what? I don't always agree with the icks, but I have to agree with this one.

Have you watched blokes put lip, like lip balm on? Yeah, it's horrible. I don't know how women make, putting lipstick on looks so just bum bum done. We're like,, lip balm on? Yeah, it's horrible. I don't know how women make, putting lipstick on looks so just bum-bum done. We're like, we're ridiculous. You put it on and honestly, it's fucking vile. Thanks, man. Vile. Yeah.

You don't know how to do your, it's so odd. Oh, oh, oh, sorry. We're not fucking professionals at the thing that you do every fucking day. No, we're not very good at it. I never put stuff on my lips, but again, in this guy's defence, the poor guy's lips

are probably burning it's probably sun chapstick stuff he'll be putting it on he'll be blowing it like this we all know how he's doing it just trying it all over

he'll have it up above his lips it'll be all over his top lip and on his bottom lip oh I can just see it it actually makes us feel a little bit sick I get it I do understand

horrible I get it but again it's just sensible sun protection that he's doing here. I get it. I'm not saying don't use it. I think men should use lip balm, and I think it's a good thing, but the way he's put it on, fuck me.

Horrible. Right, here we go, lads. So everyone who wants a bit of lip balm on, if your lips are dry or hurting or something, or you're in the sun, just what we're going to do is we're going to go to a fucking, some kind of underground bunker miles away from every woman and put it on and then we'll all come back up no watch a youtube video just watch a youtube video i was around the pool and this guy was

watching a youtube video not around the pool do it before you go do it before you go in your bed under your covers no one's gonna see you lads i am going to release a youtube video showing lads how to put a lipstick lip balm stuff on. I'll help you. Right, here it goes. There we go. I'll do that. Right, I'll explain it now. Go on then.

Instead of like, watch a woman put lipstick on. We don't, we don't like thing your lips, like, like bloody, what, the crab off the fucking mermaid. We don't, there's none of that. You actually, you actually kind of put your teeth like that. Yeah, you put your teeth underneath your lips and then you put it on

alright okay not cutting out it's kind of inward yeah right okay so right there we go lads we're doing it wrong

don't purse your lips and do it because that is it's what's it called it's narrowing the surface area yeah so what you want to do is

stretch them put your teeth in your lips not too much though because that's awful in itself you kind of do it just fucking just have your teeth in your lips and stretch them a bit. Oh, there we go. You kind of do it. Just fucking, just have chapped lips and get on with your life.

Brilliant. Just get your lips sunburned, you loser. Shut up, man. Yous are so horrible. Women are awful, honestly. I'm going to do my own podcast where blokes just like

message in and just say how class we all are. Good luck with that. There's fucking loads. How class we all are. No, no, there's only one podcast and I'm going to be the second ever podcast.

Oh, right, great. I was as one. I'll do'll do the second actually i can't be awesome once one's enough we've got another ick i've got me i've got loads for another one come on yeah but this is for someone else there's not you're not gonna list things you don't like about me no no good good good this is um this is there was no sort of like hello rosie it was just very much yeah love it men filing their nails use clippers or never have sex with me ever again he's actually can't do anything he's actually can't do anything okay i don't mind that one actually the guy finally i get it i used to find my nails yeah i don't mind that i used to when i was um it's gonna sound weird i must have been uh 13 or 14 and i used to i didn't like clippers i was scared of them and i used to when I was I must have been 13 or 14

and I used to I didn't like clippers I was scared of them and I used to file my nails the full thing file them all the way down I used to sit and file do you know this about me?

do I know what? like filing nails makes me feel physically sick well does everyone know that I used to have to clip your nails for you when we first got together

I don't know if anyone does know that well yeah I had to clip no they must know we've mentioned it before. We must have. I had to clip your nails

and it was like worse than clipping a children's nails. Yeah. Because you were like, and I had to, it was really weird. I had to get, basically, you guys,

I had to get a hand in like a headlock and she had to face the other way and pretend it wasn't happening and I had to clip your nails. Yeah. Pathetic, that, by the way. I've just got this weird sort of phobia with nails and I just,

it makes us feel ill. Yeah, look, yeah, I stayed with you. It was us feel ill. Yeah, look, yeah, stayed with you. That was genuinely sad. But yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with a lad's file on the nails. No, I think that's fine. Got a bit of raggy little nail? No, absolutely never.

Biting your nails is fucking disgusting, by the way. It is a bit. So there you go. Dealt with. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation.

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It's time for questions from the public. Pews from the pews. We don't want to go public. You just read, it doesn't be okay. Fair enough. We'll change everything up. Yeah. Time for questions from the public. Hi, Rosie it it doesn't have to be okay fair enough we're changing everything up time for questions for the public Hi Rosie and Chris

just wanted to send in a little confession that I've only admitted to my husband but thought it would fit well with the theme of smelly mouldy cum rag brilliant

so many people have sent stuff in about the smelly mouldy cum rag I didn't think it would be that popular so we've now basically became strangely we've became a kind of hypothetical cum rag to mop up everyone's... Cum rag stories.

Cum rag stories. Well, once upon a time, probably about 100 episodes ago, if not more, it was all about the toenails. Remember, toenails was very... Yeah, toenails was a big thing. I've got a toenail story. Yeah. It seems to be smelly moldy cum rags, but this is... I don't know.

This isn't really smelly moldy cum rag, but... Come on then. Anyway, it's pretty rank. Let's go. When I was 17, attended college and was on the brink of exploring my sexual awakening. Fuck it now. Just before I became a slug. I'm glad you did that for comical effect

rather than just, yeah. Yeah. I had not discovered sex toys yet and decided one afternoon I don't think anyone's discovered sex toys at 17 to think

again maybe nowadays fuck knows I don't know but again like if how can I put this

if teenage boys were able to buy your sort of false fannies and all that, you'd never fucking see them. You'd never see them.

Well, they are able to. Yeah, they're not really though. You know, it's not a thing. It's not a thing. They're expensive and stuff. I don't know. Like, if sex toys were ready,

whereas they, like, I don't know, I don't think young girls are that bothered until later on maybe, but young lads, if you, you know what I mean mean they're out there

fucking gaps in sofas and stuff like that do you know what I mean but we don't know we don't know what the world's like now because the internet you can get anything

I suppose yeah back in the day like you could get nothing you couldn't get anything but there was no such thing no fake fannies

there was nothing I mean last week someone was making one out of a Lego, for fuck's sake. I know. Shredding his knob to bits. Jesus Christ. I don't know if that was in. It was like Tagliatelle.

Was that in the podcast? Oh, well. You've got that look forward to next time we're going to Hull. You've got that look forward to, everyone. Right. It says, I'd not discovered sex toys yet and decided one afternoon with house to myself that I would experiment with a vegetable out of my mum and dad's fridge. A vegetable.

Yeah. It was a courgette. Right. Quite, quite girthy. For a first time. Oh, for fuck's sake.

I used a skinny little carrot myself. Get out the food and veg drawer. What do you think this is, American pie? Use the end of a spoon. Oh, God. Like a wooden spoon or a spoon. Oh, God! Like a wooden spoon or a spatula.

Oh! Very skinny. Wood. Splinters. Belky. Oh, right. Porous, thank you very much. After doing the deed. Soak it all up.

Why is it not as disgusting if it was a bit of fruit rather than a veg? Is that just my brain? Is it because fruit's like sweet and that? Veg is quite... I don't know. I think, to be fair, I imagine she threw it away afterwards unless this story ends up in... Guys, she's just looked at us in a way

that says, you're close to the end of the story. Let us finish it. Stop saying this. Tell us which poor fucking family member ended up noshing down on this tainted courgette. No, no, no. Okay. Listen.

Tainted courgette. Listen. Tainted courgette. Oh, funny. Right, okay. Fucking hell. After doing the deed, I decided that I did what was needed

and I proceeded to hide it under my bed, feeling pretty proud of myself. This is even worse. I'd rather I ended up in the spark ball. This, someone's going to find it and give it a fucking time capsule. A few weeks went by. Oh, God almighty! In brackets, it was also the height of summer. And as I laid in bed

decided to reach for my new found plaything only to find that the entire courgette although looking a similar shape in the darkness of under my bed had actually completely moulded to the point where when I grabbed it the entire thing disintegrated in my hand covering my entire hand

in black and green mouldy slime which left a massive black stain on the cream carpet that I had to explain to my mum sometime later and it says at the bottom dot dot dot I still can't eat courgettes to this day and it's been 16 years. That is horrendous. How? It's 17

do you not know that stuff goes out of date? But I am blown away by the stuff that people don't know on this podcast like the stuff that people send in the video god i didn't realize i mean it to be fair though kudos for not putting it back in the drawer i'd rather have the family would you yeah because it's going to get cleaned and it's going to get heated up unless someone eats it raw well no i don't think you need courgette raw well you know i don't i didn't think you could fuck yourself with one at all just now so we're all learning you can fuck yourself

with anything literally pick something in this room go on log burner mate I will fuck that it's got a handle on it

hasn't it it's got a handle I'll slide right in there little bit uncomfortable but I'll get I'll get my lips around that no but

Jesus Christ take a bit of manoeuvre Pick something else No I don't want to play this game I've already And now guess what You've ruined Logburn as far as Getting a gas fire

So I'm sorry but me Shagging stuff in our house Puts you off things does it There you go there's something Tainted stuff Tainted Logburn stuff in our house puts you off things does it yeah there you go there's something tainted stuff tainted log burner the logs maybe not not safe

hi rosie and chris i have so many stories but i thought just these two snippets would interest you i used to be cabin crew and in brackets now paramedic. Whoa, fucking hell, excellent. Two things you need to know about crew, like cabin crew, I'm guessing. I imagine so. This is the story, by the way. It's just two things about cabin crew. Don't get excited about the paramedic bit. He hasn't given away anything about that.

On long haul flights landing in the morning, we would take it in turns to walk down the cabin to spot the morning erections. You would then report back to the galley and your colleague would go look. That's fantastic. How funny is that? Lee Evans was right. Lee Evans has got an old routine where he says

he's a really old routine where he says they're walking down the thing and then he goes, they're not checking your belt. They're going, oh crotch, oh crotch. It's a really good, really funny routine. He's fucking right. He's true. Best comedy comes from truth.

Fantastic. That's hilarious. It is another one. As we get more windy in a compressed cabin, we as crew would always let Rip as walking in the cabin as passengers face. Walk down the aisle just farting at everyone

yeah oh my god and it said you're welcome anonymous please wow did I tell you Robin woke me up

by farting at me face this morning oh no yeah just farted at me face awful for real yeah he had his underpants on

thank god or I'm going to have to get some kind of infection we nearly had a night together in bed yesterday didn't we we did very nearly it was that thing of Rafe Rafe is sleeping a little bit better I'm going to have to get some kind of infection. We nearly had a night together in bed yesterday, didn't we? We did.

Very nearly. It was that thing of Rafe. Rafe is sleeping a little bit better. Robin sleeps. He just fucking sometimes comes in. He just wakes up and thinks, what am I missing? And then comes to see us. So we went to bed. It must have been about half ten.

We were lying there. Were we cuddling? I can't remember. We were in a cuddle. I've nearly been sick in my mouth. We were cuddling. We were in a cuddle. I've nearly been sick in my mouth. We were cuddling. We were physically coiled up. And we were like, oh my God, are we going to get a night in our own bed?

Like, shit, shit, shit. And then Robin came in. Robin came running in. And you can't be mad. You just can't be mad. He comes in half asleep, a smile on his face. He gets excited and climbs in the middle and comes for a cuddling. I can't, like we've said it before

he's going to be 16 one day and he's going to be grunting at one ignoring one so while he's little I absolutely enjoy it taking it all in take it all in

plus I can't be like right back to your bed because he'd go back to his bed he'd get upset and then he'd keep coming through again and again let him in let him fall asleep

carry him back through later it's just you know it's easier you go with him though. I'm all for easy. You go with him because he prefers bed. Of course I go with him because you and Rafe are a fucking nightmare. Rafe gets angry when I'm in my own bed.

He hates it when you're there. Yeah. He absolutely hates it. That's how I sleep in my sleep recently. I'm in one bed with Rob and you're in one bed with Rafe. And it's just for ease. Yeah. It's just for ease.

Mate, it's something, not going to lie, something I never thought I'd do. And I think I might have slagged it off years ago. yeah i think i'd probably be like oh god and now i'm like absolutely just want some shut eye yeah just ease yeah hi rosie and chris i need your help settling a debate between me and my husband excellent always happy to weigh in a few years ago we were sitting in a pub garden and the weather had turned a bit cold, so I had goosebumps all down my arms. My husband noticed and exclaimed loudly to all within earshot,

Oh, you look so cool, your pubes are standing on end. I was absolutely mortified. But it was on this day that I found out the man I had been with for several years thought that pubes was a slang term for any type of body hair and had been referring to the peach fuzz on my arms sticking up as pubes. I've challenged his views and he has since revised his stance that pubes include any hair you might gain as you get older and go through puberty. Not just those down there,

this means he includes beards, chest hair, underarms, sideburns, etc. to be pupae. He stands firm on this and while I kind of get his logic, I'm still utterly mortified. Please keep me anonymous. He's wrong.

He's a fucking moron. It's called your pubic region. That is your pubic hair, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. That grows in your pubic region, which is your crotch area where your private parts are. It's just literally

like everything's a pube eyebrows are pube yeah that's what he says eyelashes didn't say

eyelashes get him on the phone that's ridiculous pubes beard I mean you can slag it's a diss

if you go to someone's beard you go it looks like pubes that's a proper diss it's really upsetting if someone says

your beard looks like pubes he's a moron i get his thought process of like it's hairs that you get as you go through puberty but he's wrong but it's it's not and logically it does actually make sense but i've i've i've gone the other way here but he is wrong because it's not in your pubic your pubic region yeah but is your pubic region only called your pubic region because pubic hairs go there and if he's now claiming our pubic hairs are all hairs then what your whole body

is a pubic region I think he's wrong I do genuinely think he's wrong why isn't it sad that pubes are like deemed as rank yeah isn't it sad

remember this I'd love to be in the 70s just like he's just lazy he's just lazy I'm alright now you don't think they're lost you just can't be asked

to keep it trimmed down I can't ever be asked no way like when you are on tour, they're one of the best days of my life. Great. Just wild down there. Looking like you're fucking

riding on a lion's back. Honestly. And then people will be like, do you want to take the kids swimming? And I'm like, oh, not today. When Chris is home, I'll go.

Lucy, why are you swimming in jeans? Just comfortable. Dead comfortable. They're a bit big and I'm trying to get them to fit like they used to do back in the day. But then do I need to live in a world actually,

I need to be a bit more like, women should have hair, but I don't know. I don't know anymore, Chris. Who am I? What should I say? Well, you want to be, you want, sorry,

you want to go on the feminist stance because when she said women should have hair, guys, she put her arm up in the air like the... Rosie the Riveter. Rosie the Riveter, yeah. So you believe that you should get on the feminist sort of stance that women should have hair everywhere

and shouldn't have to shave it. Not because you believe it should be... It's double standards, but because you actually can't be arsed to do it. Yes. Fair enough. Just wanted to clarify that right there. Lazy fucker. But sometimes when I have a hairy armpit, I think it to do it. Yes. Fair enough. Just wanted to clarify that right there. Lazy fucker.

But sometimes when I have a hairy armpit, I think it's monkey. Right. Well, that's your own personal opinion. Yeah. That's fine. It's just trickier though, isn't it? No.

Because if I went on Instagram, safe space here, you know, because I think everyone might not like us who listens, but I think they kind of get my personality and yours. But it's a safe space here because no one can say anything back.

Oh, yeah, and that. It's the safest space. because no one can say anything back. Oh yeah and that. It's the safest space. And that. Fucking great. But if I said on Instagram I'd get absolutely fucking annihilated. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did underarm hair do to you, you bitch? You're not a real woman. Look, if you want to have smooth underarms then you can have smooth underarms. That's absolutely fine

and it's your choice and I completely support that. And as well, if you want to have hairy armpits you you can have smoother arms, you know? That's absolutely fine and it's your choice and I completely support that. And as well, if you want to have hairy armpits, you get out of this fucking house! Disgusting! But I hate your hairy armpits. I just don't think

I like hairy armpits in general. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't. I'll happily shave them. Me, like, I don't like hairy armpits. Oh my God, yes. Do you want us to shave my armpits?

Absolutely, yeah. Just for guys who heard what just forced us to try and do. Send help. I went out with a guy once who used to shave his legs. Yeah? For football.

So you'd run faster? I don't know. Is that why? Is that a thing? Swimmers do their whole bodies so they can go faster. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when they're trying to shave off milliseconds. Do you know what I mean?

Right, okay. So why did he shave his legs? Was it a footballing thing? He must have just liked it. I had a mate once. That happened when he came back in, though. I had a mate once whose legs were so hairy, so unbelievably thick of hair

it looked like fucking carpet before we went on holiday he used to shave them but he just used to give them a number 2 all over oh right I get you they were ridiculous like ridiculous I think that's a shame isn't it number 2 all over

but I better look nice babadoo babadoo babadoo dear Rosie and Chris isn't it? Yeah. Number two all over. Sort of. But I better look nice. Mm. Oh, that's a good one. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Rosie and Chris,

I saw the title for episode 168 was The Worst Smell in the World, where you guys accused cheesy slash dirty dicks as being the worst smell in the world. Okay. And I would like to contest that. Wow. This could be Rosie's mysteries, mysteries,

mysteries. Okay, okay. I'm always up for a mystery. I was going to do this. But that wasn't the tune, was it? No. That we used to do.

What is that? Jurassic Park. That's Jurassic Park. That's Jurassic Park. Yeah, it is. Nothing new with Rosie's Mysteries. Stop it. When are we going to let Robin watch Jurassic Park?

Don't know. He watched it once. He was a bit scared. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The new one maybe might be alright. Maybe. We'll have to pre-watch it. I don't know. You watched it once and you were a bit scared. Yeah that's what I'm saying. The new one maybe might be alright. Maybe. We'll have to pre-watch it.

I don't mind. I like Jurassic Park. I went to see the first Jurassic Park when I was seven and I wasn't scared

in the slightest. Your mum and dad didn't give a fuck? They didn't to be fair. You watched The Terminator

when you were like ten? Well again I was like no no I was younger than that. It was in my old house.

I must have been five or six when I watched Terminator. I told you I walked through and asked my mum what a motherfucker I was and she said

bad word, don't say it again. I went, no problem. I went and watched Sarah Connor crush the Terminator in a crusher. I mean, he cuts his fucking eye out in that film and I watched that. Would that be good to run to? Terminator? What's it? Terminator or the Terminator? That's upsetting when people put it at the

beginning. I don't want to be one of them. I think it's the Terminator and then Terminator 2 Judgment Day so for anyone who doesn't know you are now running action films that's the only way

you can run you were watching Oblivion the other day with Tom Cruise bit of a thinker that one bit of a slow burner very moments of just you want like

you want like John Wick you want like Expendables someone said John Wick you know what you want you want the Fast and the Furious franchise yeah I do actually total unapologetic fucking action especially when The Rock got involved John Wick. You want like expendable. Someone said John Wick. You know what you want? You want the Fast and the Furious franchise.

Yeah, I do actually. Total unapologetic fucking action. Especially when The Rock got involved. Fuck me. But sometimes though, it's really tricky because if they fall over, I get dead unstable. You're telling me.

I do? You're telling me that you're on a treadmill. I have to hold on to the side? You're on a treadmill watching an action movie and if the person on the action movie is running, you run with them and then if they fall over, me i do you're telling me that you're on a treadmill you're on a treadmill watching a an action movie and if the person on the action movie is running you run with them and then if they fall over you nearly fall over fucking hell you you're a dog you're a dog it's just strange genuinely

it's a thing it happens you're really weird the diverge i've been watching the divergent series and um there's this one bit where she's like being all of the stuff because she is Divergent so she's being all of the houses. Sorry. I don't think I've ever heard of... I've never seen Divergent. What?

But there's this one bit where she's being all of the stuff because she is Divergent. That sounds like... I don't know if anyone related to this but that sounds like when you were younger

and you were in school and it would be like let's play Spider-Man. I'm Spider were in school and it would be like let's play let's play Spider-Man I'm Spider-Man but it would be like let's they would just say

I'm whatever let's play Die Hard I'm Die Hard that's not the character that's John McClane it sounded it sounded like a six-year-old she is actually diverging

right I don't understand I don't understand the concept not gonna not gonna you would actually like it I might fall over if she falls over I'll fall off the sofa

well anyway she's on she's on a building and she's having to like You would actually like it. I might fall over. If she falls over, I'll fall off the sofa. Well, anyway, she's on a building and she's having to like, it's in like, it's not real. It's like in her head or whatever. What are they called

when it's like a... Like a simulation. Yes, that's exactly, that's exactly what I meant. It's a simulator, right? I'm good with the words. And she's on a building and she's like

having to hook herself and the building's turning and I literally had to stop running. I was like, I'm going to do running I was like I'm gonna I'm gonna do myself an injury

that's the point is though you're not in a simulation is it because I'm empathetic or it's because you're fucking stupid it's a simulation

watch out for me treadmill god almighty I think people will understand that who run on treadmills I do kind of get it

and they'll be like yeah if you're watching something and they're eating are you just walking along running on your treadmill eating

a fucking eating a burger no don't be ridiculous oh no sorry don't be ridiculous it can make you quite hungry

anyway listen this is gonna be so this whatever she's gonna talk about here smells worse than a cheesy dick

and I don't I don't think that's possible because I've smelled some right cheesy dicks in my times

so far this episode she's fucked the log burner and she's bragged some right cheesy dicks in my town. So far this episode, she's fucked a log burner and she's bragged about how many cheesy dicks she's smelled. I don't know why we don't get more awards for this. I don't think I'll ever work again. I don't know why we don't get more awards for this. The audience won when all these guys vote fair enough, but the judges, the academics, the critics, why aren't they?

Why aren't they batting down the door to hand us arias and all kinds of other stuff? While we're on the topic, anybody listening, very, very flattered. Anyone listening who might work on the programmes that are the quiz shows, very, very flattered. Thank you so much for asking us. But stop, because I can't. I'm not doing any of them.

Guys, she keeps getting us to do like the chase catchphrase mastermind she keeps turning them like we know that loads of people in the industry listen to this podcast and i love you all so much for listening people it's really you know the respect of your peers is such a good thing but yeah anyone in production for any quiz shows save yourself some time stop asking our management if she'll do a quiz show because you will not do a quiz show. What was the exact reason that you said the other day? My manager, Lee, sent me. It was, what was it that I got asked to do, the chase? Yeah, yeah.

She was like, this has come through. I'm guessing it's a two-foot. I guess it's a no. But I replied going, hi, Lee. Tell them thank you very much. But no, I'm still thick. So I can't come on your programme thank you very much

really flattered could have done with the money but I'm going to say no because because there's something coming out soon Hi Rosie

welcome to Mastermind what's your specialist subject not falling over while someone falls over while you're on a treadmill when you're watching them there's a TV programme coming out soon

of one that I did and I I'm genuinely I can't wait dreading it coming on the telly and um i'll never do one again i can't wait no that's gonna be exciting yeah and then you ask you what you want as a specialist subject and you tell them and they go oh no oh they love a bit of that yeah yeah they love a bit of that what's the best of it oh it's this oh someone else had that oh that doesn't really fit can you pick something else no i, I can't. Because guess what? I haven't got 10 fucking special subjects

because I'm not Stephen Fry. You know what I picked is mine. And they were like, oh, no. Did you pick podcasts? No, I picked Real Housewives. Oh, yeah, Real Housewives. And they went, no, no chance. And then I said podcasts.

And then I went, oh, shit. I only listen to true crime. Anyway, I'm mortified. Still thick. Still thick. Right, let's please find out where this smells because this is... I'm sorry about... Sorry everyone, we're very off topic.

In my early 20s, I used to be a lodger on a dairy farm owned by my friend and her husband. Haven't people had mental fucking jobs? Love it. No, she was a lodger. She wasn't... Well, she wasn't helping out. it. No, she was a lodger. She wasn't... Oh, she wasn't helping out? No, no, she was a lodger. It was her friend who owned the dairy farm. So she just lived there for a bit?

Yeah. So why's she said lodger? Why's she not saying, oh, I'm living there? I thought a lodger might have meant that you joined in. That's what it is. I used to be a lodger. Oh, sorry. I thought a lodger might have meant that you, like, mucked in. Oh, maybe she did. Do you think that... Oh, is that what it is? So as a lodger, do you pay your way by helping? I imagine that. What year was this?

1500. I don't know. I'm sure a lodger, I thought a lodger was the one that... Oh, we got a lodger. I thought the lodger's... Helping out the back, milking the cows.

What? What was that? Jesus. Go on, a lodger then. Fucking hell. So hydrated. The house had old single-paned windows and it used to get really hot upstairs in the summer.

One evening, I came home quite late. Everyone else was asleep and I crept to bed. In my bedroom, there was a pungent smell which can only be described as rotting period blood. I searched high and low in my bedroom for the source of the smell, thinking that the farm dog must have emptied the bathroom bin in the en suite. The farm dog. Don't blame the farm dog. I couldn't find anything, so I had to open the windows and go to bed,

assuming that this was just my natural smell and that I had suddenly become acutely aware of it. Jesus. Imagine that. Imagine one day being like, I fucking stink. It's just there. Oh, God. What's that smell?

Oh, Jesus. Has the dog done the... Oh, it must be me. Night, night. In the morning, the smell had gone, so I shut the windows and went out. However, when I got home, the smell was back, and even stronger than before. I threw the windows open and had another search. That's something to do with the windows, right.

Then cleaned the bathroom and bleached the bin, in case that was the source. Right. It honestly smelled like the used sanitary towels and tampons from the past month from the whole town had been dumped into my bedroom and that's the worst thing i've ever heard in my whole town imagine sleeping on a bed of used tampons don't ever say that to me again oh that's one of the worst things ever it's heart pungent you know period blood is like insane the smell is unbelievable like literally if you don't empty your bin for a couple of days when you're on your period, the smell hits you in the face. All right, we get it.

We all get it. We're all upset. It's weird though, isn't it? But it is literally the inner of your womb kind of just coming away from the walls and just it's like excreting blood. It's not like blood out your veins. This is one of the worst descriptions of anything ever. I think it's old. It's all the blood. It's not like blood out your veins. This is one of the worst descriptions of anything ever. I think it's old.

It's all the blood. It's not like when you cut yourself. It's like I'm not speaking. It's like I'm not speaking and you're still going. I've told you I will talk about periods until the day I die. Yeah, we know. Or until the day that they stop and then I'll not give a fuck about anything else. Oh my God.

During my... It says during my blitz, but I'm just reading it when I thought it said during the blitz. I was like, Jesus, she really is in the past. During my blitz,

I noticed there was a lot of flies around. Oh, for fuck's sake. Not unusual on a dairy farm, I hear you say. I didn't say that. That's horrendous. I didn't say that.

I didn't think that. I always thought dairy farms sounded quite nice and now they sound horrendous. I didn't say that. I didn't think that. I always thought dairy farms sounded quite nice. And now they sound horrendous. However, they were all flying down behind my sofa. Oh my God. What have you done? What's there?

What's there? What's there? I pulled out the sofa and no exaggeration, it disturbed around 250 flies from the source of the smell. Very, very specific number there. There we go. Did you have one of them clickers that Dorman have got? She moves the sofa and she goes, right.

250, fucker, now. We've never talked about them. Fucking hate them. My clickers at Dorman have gone. When you walk past, I never knew what they were doing. Once upon a time. And I was like, what are they? What is this?

And it's to calm people going. I understand that they are necessary, but very aggressive get yourself in there well because some of them kind of hide them away yeah but some of them make them in your face yeah I feel like in the face is better though hide them away it's like well why not why not why you've been secret about what you're lying about your fire regs is it safe in it safe in here? Am I going to get out of it in here? Am I going to get squished to death in here? In your establishment? This is the longest question

from the public we've ever done. What's the line at the bar? It's the longest question. How deep is that line, eh? Ten? How many flies are in here? Have you got one for people and one for flies?

Right, sorry. Sorry, everyone. They were congregating around a dinner plate- pile of red brown, ready brown sludge. And as I got nearer, the stench literally smacked me in the face. I can smell it now just thinking about it. I ran downstairs where the farmer was having his lunch

and told him about my findings. He immediately started laughing as he knew what the pile of sludge was. What the fuck? Do you know what the pile of sludge is? Couple of questions. So there's a sofa in this room that exists with 250, specifically

250, no there's specifically 250, not 251, not 249. No she said about. 250 flies specifically, right? In, behind a sofa. 250 not 251 not 249 no she said about 250 flies specifically right in behind a sofa yes so there's a manky smell

in this room there's 250 possibly flies behind a sofa yeah and the day before she didn't notice 250 fucking flies it's

behind a sofa it's a dairy farm there's a dairy farm there's been on a dairy farm and there's having fucking blinkers onto your own mankiness and the fact that you said it must be me

and just went to sleep you can hear one fly 250 flies I think there might have been about 10 flies I 100% agree but it feels like 250 so I see where it's coming from

so and we know that countryside flies are fucking massive they're massive they're like fucking sparrows so sparrows sparrows. So. Sparrows.

Sparrows, sorry, I got all Geordie there. So. Sparrow. There's flies, there's a sofa, it's moved, it's stunk.

The farmer knows what it is. What do you think it is? Is it? Mystery, mystery, mystery. Is it? And it's ready brown sludge. It's something like, oh, the dog goes up there to fucking high up. That's where the dog's being sick or something dog goes up there to fucking high up that's that's where the

dog's be sick or something she's looking at it's funny holy shit have i guessed it have i guessed it hang on listen yeah listen right it was carving season and he explained that the farm dog had been gorging himself on cow placentas. Oh, that's what I said. And must have overindulged. Then ran into my room to vomit up all the old cow placentas behind my school. Oh, God, I could cry. Oh, God.

But you were right. I know I was right, but I wasn't that. I mean, if it was just cow placenta, that would have been really bad. But that's cow placenta that's been in the dog's body. In the dog's stomach. And the dog's hoed up

some cow placenta. Yeah. Gorging himself and he must have overdone it. Hate a big farm dog. What a life. What a fucking life that dog's got.

What have you been up to today, Bill? I love that the farmer's gone. By the way, when you're sick, make sure you go and do it in this fucking lodger's room behind their sofa. Don't be sick anywhere else.

Bloody tidy farm I'm running here. And where's that 250 flies I ordered? Oh, there's more. Hang on. I started gagging and he had to go and clean up the mess for me. Good.

It took months to lift the smell out of the carpet. I mean, get rid of the carpet. Burn the house down. Burn the whole farm down. Burn the entire farm down. Stanley knife, that bit of the carpet. Burn the house down. Burn the whole farm down. Burn the entire farm down. Stanley knife that bit of the carpet out. Soy milk.

Almond milk. Burn that farm to the ground. I'm serious. Fucking hell. Gorging himself on cow placentas? Whenever we recall this story, my friend still finds it funny that I thought that vomited up,

rotting, partly digested cow placenta stench was my own natural smell. Well, I live on a farm now. Night night. I'm sorry, but I can't deal with animal smells and that. That, honestly,

I feel sick. That was worth the wait. That's the longest one I've ever took to do a story. I love that. But you know when you're on the motorway and you go past a farm and it's cow, I can't smell it. It makes us feel physically sick. People have got horses and honestly, how

do you do it? How do you do it? I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I can't even pick up dog shit man. I just can't imagine a world where I am fully aware and I'm fully happy and allow my dog to, quote unquote, gorge himself on cow placentas to the point where someone says to me,

by the way, there's something red in my eye. Oh, that'll be the dog. Hide up all that cow placenta. I'll let it meet because I'm a responsible owner. Fuck me. Could that have killed the dog? I imagine it's very highly nutritious for the dog,

but still though. Yeah, actually. Still though. What would his face, this dog's face look like? Because he's a boy dog. It'd look like he just went down on Carrie from the movie Carrie.

She's coming in front of me. Ew. I've never seen that film, you know, but I've heard it be, I know what you're talking about. So what happens at the end? They pretend they're her mate and everything and they get her on

and she goes on stage at the prom and all the people who've bullied her pretend that she's like, you know, actually think you're amazing and they spill a load of pig's blood on her to chew her up and she goes full fucking Carrie.

So what is Carrie the film? What is she? She's got like supernatural powers. Spoiler alert. You'd like it. They remade it. They remade it. Is it a horror?

Yeah, it's a horror. It's a really famous horror. Don't like horrors. Yeah, but it's not horror like horrors at the minute. Does it say horror on the description?

It's a very classic, classic horror. Not watching it. Yeah. I watched the advert for that smile the other day. I've heard about this. Absolutely horrible. I watched the advert. that smile the other day I've heard about this absolutely horrible

I watched the advert I was horrified but I can't do them people are fainting in the cinema and stuff I can't do horror films no I don't like a horror film me I watch the adverts

but I will never watch the films and then I think about the advert and I get scared yeah horrendous the only time I liked horror films was when I was younger yeah

with a boy got you and you know bit of cuddling up cuddling bit of fingering and that yeah Yeah, the only time I liked horror films was when I was younger with a boy. Got you. And, you know. Bit of cuddling up. Cuddling, bit of fingering and that. Yeah, good stuff. Other bad bits. Good stuff.

Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married in Oregon, which is part of the ACAST Creator Network. And I listened for the click. You did listen for the click. Chris was just telling me off because I come in too early. You come in far too early

when we're pressing record. Yeah, definitely. Not with condoms though. Yeah, man's best friend. Guys, thank you so much for listening. As always, if you want to get in touch, you're chagged, married, annoyed at gmail.com.

I forgot to say that earlier on because you threw us off with changing bloody questions from the public. Oh, sorry about that. The two out is on sale now. There's still tickets available for some of the venues next year.

We'll be glad to see you there. Very excited, looking forward to that. It's starting to come together. Starting to come together. See you next week. Bye. Bye. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.