Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 192. Dirty knit witted yellow livered

Episode Date: November 4, 2022

On this week's podcast Chris ad Rosie get nostalgic for their younger days. Robin has his own beef with Chris and Halloween costumes take quite the battering. Gilets are revisited again in the beefs and pumps get mentioned more than a couple of times. QFTP's involve a toilet roll substitute, a promiscuous son and a change of heart over a sex position. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying... 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now.

Hello, you're listening to the podcast that never starts on time, Shag Maradonoid, with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my equally bad with timing husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yeah, so to let you behind the curtain here, the procrastinating we do on the way to this podcast is crazy. I'm not afraid. I just forced a shit out. I didn't even need one. I didn't even need one. I thought, you know what, I'm just going to go and sit on the toilet and look at my phone for a bit. I just thought, honestly, there's blood on the paper. I'm joking.

There's no need for that. Sorry. It was just the joke was that I forced it. Speaking of shit, just dead quickly before we carry on. Excellent. Started highbrow. Started highbrow.

This is how we do it. All you political podcasts in the top five with us, right? Watch out because your shit and fecal-based content is not up to par. And we are coming for the shit and fecal-based audience members. Yeah. Because they're our people. They're out there.

No, this is what I'm saying, right? So last week we brought back, well, I brought back the little jingle. Let's talk about shit, baby. And the amount of emails just with shit stories. Fantastic. We've opened the floodgates. Absolutely. Get in.

Spark people's memories. Oh, do you know how you talked about shit last week? Well, actually, I made shit themselves for 40 times. Brilliant. There we go.

There we go. Fantastic news. Couple of them coming up. Couple of them coming up. Very, very excited about that. Not gonna lie. It's episode 192. It's episode 192. I like that number. 192. Why do you like 192 I like that number 192 what happened something's probably

helped 1992 that it was a very good year why was 92 that was a kid I had no worries couldn't give a shit what 1992 how old were you in 1992 six fucking brilliant yeah brilliant no what I just see I just heard you talking your auntie in the other room your auntie popped round and I just heard you talking to your auntie in the other room. Your auntie popped round and I just heard you say to her there in the other room, you were talking about your cousin or something. You were like, ooh, to be 18 again. Yeah. Fuck that.

Are you, what? It's fucking shit being 18. It was absolutely brilliant. Nah. ID. You could go out and be like, I'm old enough to be here. Yeah. Not give a shit.

You could go home whatever time you wanted. Well. Are you fucking. I didn't have money for taxis. I spent a lot of time walking home after night. Well, yeah, but walking home

was brilliant with like chips. No, kibows were too expensive. Chips and gravy. There's the first thing, yeah. Chips and curry sauce.

Honestly, I was just thinking when you said it, I think I'm happier now at this age. Nah. I'm really happy. Absolutely not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happiest when, at this age, I'm happiest now when don't get me wrong I'm happiest at this age I'm happiest now when the kids are asleep or being looked after by someone right you cannot tell me

that you are happier now this morning here's an example this is why I'm not happier now right this morning Rafe we're doing the

sleeping thing and he's sleeping and he slept till half four in his own bed in his own cot came through he started crying you were in Robin's bed

because obviously that's just real life I went and got him well life I went and got him well listen I went and got him at half four this morning right he thought it was time

to get up so I had to just ignore him for an hour and a half while he played with me and lay there going is that why you came downstairs looking like

Pat Sharp yes that's exactly why I came downstairs and so he went back off at six and then he woke up

at a quarter past seven. I text you saying, come and get him. So you came and get him. I went back to sleep, but did I really go back to sleep because then I had to text you again going,

Robin's got PE today and have you put his snack and his water bottle in his bag. So I didn't really go back to sleep. Got you. 18, 18 year old me

would have not had to do any of them things. Right. At all. But you were, you were skint and you had no sort of them things right at all but you were skint and you had no sort of freedom no I wasn't that skint

I had a full time job oh you did actually I was skint right okay I was skint as fuck I had nothing I was on about 650 quid a month

at 18 at 18 at 18 why because of the gadget shop why if I had 650 quid made 37 hours

if I had 650 quid a month when I was 18 I'd be fucking dead now. I would be dead. I would not be sitting here. Jesus. I'm telling you now, fuck education.

Get a job. No. No, honestly, get a job. No, no. She's joking. Don't be saying shit like that. Oh, it was meant. This is like when Russell Brand told everyone not to vote.

Fuck education. Go and work at the gadget shop. Those are gadget shops open over the UK just because they've got the, no one wants to buy the shit. Everyone just wants to work there. Fucking hell.

It's absolutely class. Listen, speaking of adults, right, it is episode 192. Rosie's miserable now. I'm quite happy now. I get to drive around

in my car and stuff and then have a life, but I know what you mean. But it's episode 192. I hope wherever you are. No, I had no bills then either. Just fucking shut up, man. I paid 30 quid a week rent, board, to me mum and dad.

Nothing. It was all my money. 30 quid. So your mum and dad. I spent a primal. Your mum and dad had you, your kid, and your Kevin knocking in 30 quid a week. 30 quid a week.

Kevin never paid. So still, though, 60 quid a week, your mum and dad were raking off your kid. Fucking hell, man. I'm not telling you, man. Me mum, horrific. If we borrowed money for the bus when we were like 12, 13, she'd write 50 pence on the calendar

and would have to pay her it back out with pocket money. Wow. She was shocking. Wow. Yeah. I like it. Bitch. Oh, bless her.

Skint. I was going to say, you do feel like you're being 18 again because you just called your mom a bitch on the podcast. Unbelievable. Sandra, sorry. it was never a bitch when a cow I called her a cow once under my breath

didn't go down well was this before or after you both had a game of slap each other in the face on the landing on the landing at the top of the stairs

like a couple of people with a death wish that might have been the day that might have been when I stole a pound out of her purse once I've heard about this

oh fuck me Jesus honestly your criminal dealings on this podcast are just mounting up never did it again though That might have been when I stole a pound out of her purse once. I've heard about this. Oh, fuck me. Jesus. Honestly, your criminal dealings on this podcast are just mounting up. Never did it again, though. Al Capone, by the way. She didn't speak to us for, like, days. At one point, I'm sure she said, I can't even look at you.

It is pretty bad nicking the quid off your mom. A pound? It is really bad. Still, you're nicking money off your mom. I know, it was quite bad. Guess what? You're the cow. How about that? I know know how does that feel she was like proper really disappointed of course she was yeah that's that's the standard of not being angry disappointed well probably both but listen it's episode 192 however you are out there i hope you're okay however old you are whatever time in

life you are hope you're having a lovely little time thank you for listening thank you for joining us thank you for being with us we do genuinely love that you listen every week. Thank you so much. And sorry, just in, sorry, in 18 year olds defense, I wouldn't want to be an 18 year old now.

Yeah. A lot more stressful. Yeah. Oh yeah. Social media, shit like that. No. So if you're 18 now,

we're like, no offense. I wouldn't want to be, you know? Yeah. I'm happy to be 36. Great. Well,

there we go. I'll just, sorry, lads, put that time machine away. She's not interested. Change your mind. No, put it back. Great. Well, there we go. I'll just... Sorry, lads. Put that time machine away. She's not interested. Change your mind. No, put it back.

Sorry. Back in the van. Sorry to waste your time. Only if it can be when we were 18. Fuck that. Send me back. Send me back. Where do I want to go back to?

What era? Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Didn't you say you want to be like a peasant wench in the street? No. I don't want to be that. That's what i think i was that's just how i imagine you great no i think at 60s they were quite cool okay whether i don't know

i think people just harp on about them think it's you think yeah although me and my mates was it you was it you it might be oh no it was me me me we had a talk the other day about how incredible south shields nightlife was when we were younger. Oh, it was brilliant. Guys, if you're not from the North East or know where we're from, South Shields, oh my God, fucking five nights a week

you could go out when it was like a Saturday. Yeah, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. It was crazy. Mint. Absolutely crazy. Nightclubs, the lot. It was unbelievable.

R&B night. Remember R&B night? The visa. The visa, Wednesday, R&B night. You're joking, aren't you? That's hilarious. We would have both been there and just not have like

been asked about each other. Well, you'd have noticed me. You'd have been like oh look at him he's definitely not he's awesome noticed your hair at college

look at him look at how pasty he is and his stupid hair remember when you used to say hello to us in the hallway and you'd have your leather jacket on and your rank hair I'd be like

hello wow leather jacket and rank hair well look at who's laughing now eh who's laughing now

me got you look at you lowering your standards god damn you wish you. Me. Got you. Look at you, lowering your standards. God damn, you wish you were 18 again. You wouldn't have to settle for this. You were lush then. Did I tell you we went to a friend's house the other day for lunch? Ashley and Aaron did.

It was absolutely the best dinner ever. He sent us the recipe for the stuff and it was lush, right? Sunday dinner was naughty. So good. Did you see the picture on their wall of their wedding day me and you on that picture oh god we look

amazing Chris I'm a size 8 we look I am I was that dress was a size 8

are you fucking kidding me that's that's that's hilarious why I'm joking I'm trying to wind you up

oh no I was it was I'm gonna I've got that took a picture of it I took a screen grab of the photo on the wall

yeah I mean you don't you look better now no disrespect I'm eating like a fine wine but um i'm eating like a fine wine i've gone i've gone to the the dog well i was a full-time touring comedian then so my skin was horrendous my lifestyle was horrendous me you know me i wasn't very healthy yeah i'm much better now so there you go unreal but listen this has been a really long intro it's time for this time to pay these bills it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. As we record this, it is November the 2nd, Wednesday, November the 2nd, as we record this.

It'll be out Friday, but it's still just in time to say this week's sponsor is... Adults posting photos of their Halloween costumes on social media. Oh, God, it's just been so great. I've just loved it. Oh, he's an Instagram boy oh there's your costume oh oh there's you doing a little action that is in character of your costume you know maybe you're holding up a knife or maybe a grrr oh you're 36

great that's amazing oh here's me mate oh me mate's in a costume as well look my costumes match here's a video of me oh throwback to last year's costume. Get in the fucking bin. Get your fucking costumes off. Instagram has been absolutely shit for about four days.

You fucking, all of you, you're in your 30s and 40s. You've got families. You've got kids. Knock it on the fucking head. Anyone can get dressed up. Stop it. God fucking damn you right okay check yourselves

honestly four fucking days of oh and oh and oh I'm normal oh hand on camera oh I'm a witch oh my god

oh god dickheads oh I'm normal hand on camera they're getting really honestly a bit much now aren't they everyone just in the house in the house for hours dickheads oh I'm normal and on camera they're getting really honestly everyone

just in the house in the house for hours dressing up and taking multiple photos of themselves oh my god it's an American thing for children

yes we're not Halloween fans but some people love it and you know what fuck them if you love it you're a fucking knob mate

you're a massive knob all of you you know who you're a fucking knob, mate. You're a massive knob, all of you. You know who you are. Oh, God. Grow up. Stop. Jesus. You can't do that.

You've got a fucking bedroom that needs wallpaper or something. Go and do something. Fucking grown up, will you? Shit, the bed. I just feel like it's got a bit more intense, hasn't it? Oh, God. Do you know what it is? I think if you're going to a party or something,

I love fancy dress. I think it's great. You hate fancy dress in general. I hate loads of if you're going to a party or something I love fancy dress I think it's great you hate fancy dress in general loads of adults you come to a Halloween party all adults all dressed up

why oh god why you get there you go oh is that you oh is that fun over you get

you arrive you arrive we know that you don't like fancy dress I'm not finished you arrive you go oh look he's

oh no and then you're sat looking like a twat for the rest of the night it's not fun oh I hate you then again you're in the minority a twat for the rest of the night. It's not fun. Oh, I hate yous. Then again.

You're in the minority, though. You're in the minority because a lot of people love fancy dress. I know some of my good, good soul, what's it, soulmates are listening to this, people who are just on my wavelength. And do you know what the problem was?

What? Robin was built up so much. Robin thought it was going to be amazing this year. Two kids knocked on the door. One of them, I missed them. Yeah. The second one, I had to completely ignore them because you were busy putting Ray to bed and he woke up.

I felt so bad about it. I went outside into the street with a bowl of sweets, thinking the street would be heaving like an American movie. No one there. I stood at the bottom of the drive, a bowl of sweets, like a fucking weirdo. A car went past and everyone in the car just looked at us going, what's he doing?

Yeah, Robin had been built up to very exciting levels of trick or treating and I really didn't want to take him but we promised him next year so we made Steph

you did a very clever thing you promised him you'd go trick or treating to seven houses and these little politicians no he said ten and I got it down to seven yeah yeah yeah

and then you somehow said your dad's taking you to seven houses. And I said, I'm fucking not like that. I'm not walking around the streets. I don't get it. I don't get trick or treating. Like, your kids go knocking on other people's doors

to get sweets. And their kids are knocking on other people's doors to get sweets. Yeah. So we're all just borrowing sweets off each other. Yeah. Just buy your Ben some sweets and go, happy Halloween.

There you have some sweets I mean I'm gonna he's desperate it's gonna take us months to get through the sweets that we bought you actually need to get rid of them

I was expecting millions of people at this store there was no one two people well next year me mate Steph lives on a housing estate and she was like

it was rammed yeah they're the best places my mum and dad's street was amazing when I was a kid she said I can take them there next year and you can do it

once and then you know because I did hate my mum when I was growing up was turn the lights off nobody answered the door

every year like even at one point I remember my friend from school came and knocked on the door and I was looking out the window and I was like I can't not answer the door

I love your mum so much. Get in that back room now. Get in that back room. Towel under the door. Candle light. We had to sit with the lights off. I'm not even joking. Literally had to sit with the lights off all night.

And we weren't allowed to answer the door. And me friend and my mum and dad and my brother just walked down the street. I'm like goodbye next day you were knocked on your house oh did you

I was staring at you through the net curtain I genuinely used to cry my eyes out so I wanted to take Robin once because I remember desperate to go

my mum would not take her she was horrible. She wouldn't take me. I'm not begging. I'm not knocking on people's doors begging for sweets. Absolutely not. Turn the lights off.

There's nobody home. Oh, God. Oh, play the jingle. Play the jingle. Let's crack on with this. We had a fight about the jingle play the jingle let's get crack on with this hello and welcome back and happy Halloween No stop it I don't know if there's a part of it

I always do like a little tirade I always feel like I've gone too far It's the posting it I just feel like people are so desperate for fucking content But you do realise That they'll have done those videos weeks ago and they'll have saved them for Halloween. It's just fucking nuts.

I'll get dressed up and do seven photos and put me... Well, but it's a thing though. It's the lasses who dress like slags. And, you know, I don't know, but like Halloween should be fun and it should be gory and disgusting because it's Halloween. It should be a zombie. All right, I'm going to dress up next year. A vampire, not a dead

sexy thing yeah yeah yeah do you know what I mean dead sexy things yeah I suppose yeah dead sexy things also you're just the thing

that's sexy but you're dead that's shit sexy frankstein sexy vampire sexy frankstein sexy Jessica Rabbit sexy

look she's already sexy sexy dead Jessica Rabbit. Sexy zombie. But that's the thing with Halloween, though. Sexy witch. It's just turned into fancy dress. Sexy nurse? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, loads of sexy nurses. Just turned into fancy dress. It's not like, it's not Halloween. It's not ghost or whatever. It's just fancy dress of things. I might go next year as a back day a tax bill you forgot about not that scary not mine

that's scary no like someone just in general oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then for Christmas I'll be a tax rebate

oh ding dong yeah great oh tax rebates holy shit I've not had many one year I got one

and it was like 150 quid and you know when you're like fuck well just do it felt I got one and it was like 150 quid and you know when you're like fuck well just do it felt like free money yeah

I was like I've just I remember when I first started working at All Sports I was on £2.75 an hour four hour shift once a week but cha-ching

pointless they put us on emergency tax yes that's when it happens remember yeah so when you get your

first part time job they go for some reason revenue and customs go we don't know how much we should tax you we'll tax you get your first part-time job, they go, for some reason, the revenue and customs go, we don't know how much we should tax you. We'll tax you the most anyone can be taxed. And you go, what?

Half of me fucking £2.75 an hour. Yeah, and then about six weeks later, I got it back and it was only about £80. Boom, bang, yeah, yeah. I was like, chicka, chicka, wow, wow. Mate, I wish I'd known you when I was on £650. I swear to God, Rosie, I don't think you'd have seen this. I think I was like a peasant in the gutter

and you were just lording past on you. In your inflatable sumo suit. Throwing money around. It worked out weirdly well because at that point in my life, when I was earning the big bucks, I remember Steph, I think she was a student.

So I paid for her for stuff. Right? Like, I used to go take her out for meals and things and angela as well because she was a lot younger so i used to pay for a few things yeah but then right when they became teachers and i think at one point in my life i was just kind of singing and it was a bit shit money they'd pay for me get in so it kind of was like remember when i paid for you bitches and then they'd be like right what you're saying is what you're saying is every time you do a good deed you expect it to be reciprocated that's that's a good deed, you expect it to be reciprocated.

No, I didn't expect it to be reciprocated at all. But all I was saying is when they became teachers, I was like, hello, big bucks. Pay for a little me. Good. So you called back in that favour. I never called it back in there, off edge. Sounds like you've just called it back in.

Wow. Sounds terrible. Honestly, I'm shocked at you. Honestly, I just see you standing there in your sum your sumo suit right but you haven't got money to get a new battery for it so it's just deflated and saggy around you going

can someone take me for dinner please you were a hater to me when I worked at the gadget shop you'd actually I'd have given you the ick massive I was such a bellend

such a bellend I used to stand at the front of the shop and do you know the air things where the air guns we used to shoot people it was just like

balls of air I used to shoot people going was just like balls of air I used to shoot people going down the street anybody elderly people kids didn't give a shit didn't give a shit

we were talking earlier in the intro in the 45 minute intro about things your parents used to do when you were younger that annoyed you like your mum

not letting you go out for a trick or treating and stuff so we spoke recently about how um i fought now and robin kicks off that i fought it where he never used to obviously rave doesn't give a shit but i fought and robin kicks off and i remember when i used to my dad i think i've told you this and i think i said on here i used to sit and eat my cereal in the morning my dad used to come down get ready for work and just fought in the kitchen. I used to kick off.

And Robin did it to another level this morning. And I actually said, I went, look, Robin, I'm really sorry. He kicked off. He kicked off and he was so upset. And I went, look, Granda Billy used to do it to me and I hated it and I'm so sorry. And I was like, I'll never fart again when you're having your breakfast. Rosie, he was eating his porridge this morning, right?

And I farted and he was like, oh, and he had his hands over his nose. And he was like, you just cost her, his nose and he was like you just costed it and I was kicking off and he sat for ages just with the half bowl of porridge in front of him and I went

eat your porridge man and he went no and I went eat your porridge you've got to finish it you've got PE today you need your energy and he went

no because your pump is in me porridge oh that's so cool what do you mean he went it's in my porridge I don't want it

and I had to go it's not and I had to explain so much but it was though particles of your shit are in his porridge he ate my pub

so jokes on him stop that's not cool is it I need to stop I hated it when my dad did it I used to get really angry fucking man

dad farts while you're trying to eat your breakfast Robin is like little you isn't he he's very sensitive about stuff like that babadoo babadoo babadoo bah man, dad farts while you're trying to eat your breakfast. Robin is like little you, isn't he? He's very sensitive about stuff like that. Something's been happening recently.

I can't speak. Something has been happening to me recently and I haven't told you about it. It's really starting to freak us out, right? Every time I drive and every time I look at my wing mirror Wing mirror? Wing, not wind. Wing mirror.

Wing mirror. Wind screen, wing mirror. Wing mirror. There you go. Every time mirror. Wing. Wing mirror. Wind screen wing mirror. Wing mirror. There you go. Every time I look at my wing mirror, it looks like there's a man running after me. Why? I don't know.

I don't know if it's a shadow, and it's really freaking us out. What? So every time I glance at it, it looks like a black silhouette is running after me. Like a shadow man? Aye. Jesus. It's really weird, and I want to know if anyone else experiences this, or if is running after me. Like a shadow man. Aye. Jesus.

It's really weird and I want to know if anyone else experiences this or if it's just me. God, this is going to be so... I almost want this taken out of the podcast because it's going to be

one of them annoying things. Yeah, this is a phenomenon and it means that Jupiter's in line with Pluto and... Obviously, I thought it was my grandad at once.

Cheers, Nathalie, your car. Maybe. Like T-1000 in Terminator 2. Gee, I thought it was my grandad at once. Chasing after your car. Maybe. Like T-1000 in Terminator 2. What do you mean? When I glance in my wing mirror, there's like a little, imagine a little stick man. There's no head or nothing.

Just looks like somebody's running. It's when I'm going fast, obviously. When I'm still, it's not there. Honestly, it's so weird. To fast obviously when i'm like when i'm still it doesn't it's not there honestly it's so weird to the point where i've had to be like i've had to look it's not what wind up yeah no i'm not winding up this sounds like no because a couple of things have happened recently where you've had to keep secrets from us for tv shows and again we can't tell anyone about it yeah i'm sorry i don't i almost don't trust you now i almost feel like this is a setup for a show and i'm going to be driving down the street

in a couple of days and someone's going to chase us in a black morph suit. Is this a setup for a show? I swear it's not. I promise you. Things happen in my life and I write them down on my phone

to stay on here. So strange. And that's just something I've experienced. Anyway, it's probably just a bit of bullshit. God, I hate everything about what you just said. I hate it all. Another thing I've noticed recently, which I wrote down on my phone on my phone great fucking what you look at the sunroof and there's a dragon no i love the sound of like an empty people carrier sorry do you know when you're

in a people car we were in a people carrier yeah not long ago and like a taxi people carrier yeah the sound that they make when there's not many people in. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Like an empty bus. I like the sounds of like an empty people carrier or an empty bus. And you can hear

all the mechanics and that work. Have you lost your fucking mind? What the hell is in that water that you're drinking? Are you off your feet? This is just stuff I've wrote down as notes.

These aren't my notes, I'm telling you. It's like finding a fucking serial killer's notebook. I do. Have you written this in shit? This is just stuff I wrote down as notes. These aren't my notes, I'm telling you. It's like finding a fucking serial killer's notebook. I do. Have you written this in shit? No, I've just wrote here, I love the noise of a people carrier or an empty bus.

Oh, Jesus. I do. Have you wrote it in shit? Fucking hell. Chris, this is content. Content? Get your Halloween costume on if this is your content. If you can't beat them

join them babadoo babadoo babadoo so Rosie's now a political commentator are you mentioning this yeah your I wasn't going to mention this I didn't want to bring

any attention to this your sweary political tirade got picked up in some kind of political magazine apparently it's political it's called oh yeah so it's literally like

this guy it's like what's a word and it's like you all need to try harder because Rosie Ramsey of this podcast one of the top podcasts

in the country or whatever they said said this and it was word for word every swear word it said about all of them yeah oh god

tell you what when Matt Hancock goes into I'm a Celeb he is going to have your life there sorry what what

yeah what the fuck like what I'm sorry why is it and then but then and then I'm not allowed

to say that it's a complete joke no of course you are you are allowed and I think a lot of people agreed with you but what's it do you know what

I'm really annoyed at Rosie he's gonna go and I'm a celeb right he's gonna get a couple of hands up his arse and a couple of widget he grubs down the end of his tiddler

right and then everyone's gonna go ah he's a great bloke what a nice bloke everyone's gonna go ah he's a really good bloke and you say

ah he's great he's up for it though ain't he look he's fucking you know that kangaroo bollock. What a legend. No!

No! No. If you all start thinking he's a legend, I'm going to have to come around and flick his all on the dick. I'm serious. Right? How he's a widgedy,

widgedy group. You hear that? That's me flicking finger. I'll dick his all. I'll flick dick his all. Don't. Does that hurt? Fucking don't, please.

I imagine. I've never been flicked on the dick. I imagine it's horrendous. Listen, I don't want to talk about politics anymore because if I'm getting quoted in these things I forget people listen to this yeah

we sit here and chat and I forget that people listen and I talk like I'm in the pub with my friends I'm not clever enough to have an argument with these people so if they ever say what you said about me

and I go oh yeah yeah they would tie you in knots I know it would be wonderful to watch I'd honestly I'd go yeah look no

not not fighting with you like this in public I've got to go just keep you know what just keep swearing

that'll show them you keep doing swear words at them I'd real housewives and I'd just shout louder about something get that guy to come and mediate it

that real housewives guy he could sit in the middle that guy yeah he owns all the formats yeah sits in the middle gets fucking steaming doesn't he and just gets them rowing he doesn't get steaming of course he does he's sit in the middle. Andy Cohen. Yeah, he owns all the formats. Yeah. Sits in the middle, gets fucking steaming, doesn't he?

And just gets them rowing. He doesn't get steaming. Of course he does. He's always hammered. Don't. I love Andy Cohen. Sorry, I just... I'm in the mood.

I'll meet you one day. I'm going to BravoCon, won't you? Pathetic. What? What? Seriously? Why is it called BravoCon? BravoCon.

BravoCon. Bravo. So like the channel, Bravo. They make all of the programmes. BravoCon. BravoCon. An app convention. Great. BravoCon. Bravo. So like the channel, Bravo, they make all of the programs. Bravo Con. Bravo Convention. Great. Bravo Con.

That's awful. My only worry is, Do you think I'm looking after the kids while you go to Bravo Con you can think again? You will be. I'm not like, I'll leave them outside.

My only worry is if I ever go to Bravo Con, right? Because no one will have any idea who I am. No. I might not get special tickets and I'll just have

to go to the shit bits and I'll be like I want to be in the good bits you wouldn't be allowed in with all that no they'll be like who are you

your tits are real for a start they'll not let you in hey man no honestly now loads of them are getting their fake boobs taken out

well they're really bad for you aren't they to be fair well no but they're all going a bit more natural. Right, good. Taking them out and getting them lifted and getting everything done. Good. You know?

Oh, there's a Real Housewives update that no one wanted or asked for. Great. Great. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! This episode is brought to you by the all-new Dacia Jogger, the award-winning seven-seater with plenty of space for family and friends. The car's made for adventure, which means that it can handle

almost anything thrown at it. Do you reckon it'll be able to handle what you're currently going through, which is being essentially tortured every single night by our 18-month-old Rafe who just pulls your hair constantly throughout the night? I would assume that the Dacia Jogger

has a lot more patience than I do in that situation. Absolutely. I reckon it can cope with all things. Now, Absolutely. I reckon I can cope with all things. Now, I know someone else who can cope with all things. Now, this is a little treat, basically, because this is a friend of the podcast who's here with us today,

and I slag him off quite a lot, don't I? You're not very kind to Carl sometimes. I don't really... Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! It's Carl Atchison! Hello!

Hello! How are you doing? Now, I do slag you off quite a lot on the podcast and any little thing that you do I really do have a go at you but you're here

for this segment today because you genuinely are a brilliant friend and a very reliable person who can cope in most situations right I really don't like this now

I'm not used to this at all feels like he's walked into a trap I don't like this he thought he was here for a roast I've known him for 16 years and it's the first time he's said anything nice to us.

Wow, well, I'm glad we're recording it. So a couple of things that I would like to highlight in this almost praise call section. On our wedding day, Rosie, I don't know if you know this, do you think that everything went 100% swimmingly on our wedding day? I think it did.

I can't remember anything hugely going wrong. Well, something massive went wrong and you weren't aware of it because of how incredibly well Carl and the other lads dealt with it.

Especially Carl. Carl, do you want to tell what happened? We're all getting ready in the suite, me and you and the lads. What happened? So what was it?

Was it your jacket? Was it your pants? I can't remember. It was a groomsman's groomsman's jacket. I remember the day that we got that suit like fitted as well.

My pants didn't fit because me calves were too big. Because he's just stupid calf exercises in the gym like a loser. So he's just getting the calves out. He had to get extra material added to his calves and his pants. No, I had to get the 38-inch waist and then I had to trim everything else down just for the cough. You tell me you got your suit for the wedding, the lad's suit, specially tailored.

No, no, no, we just had to tailor his because he's got a Popeye's cough. So, yeah, you were just shaking your head. Yeah. I remember you just, like, it's still just such like a, like just such a northern expression. You just went, people who do stuff, man. People who do stuff. Gym stuff.

Sad. Sad. Now, we've got the suits fitted. We've got them all sorted. We're there getting ready in the suite. We're going to put, one of the guys goes to put the jacket on. What's he got on the jacket, Carl? Oh, it was security.

He had the security tag, didn't he? He's got a security tag. What? Yeah. It's classic North East Ramsey wedding. All the suits were stolen. They weren't stolen. I'm joking. They weren't stolen. So, North East Ramsey wedding. All the suits were stolen. They weren't stolen,

I'm joking. They weren't stolen. So Carl and the lads jumped in the car. Explain what happened. Yeah, we just sat there in the suite. I probably had about

three or four beers at that point. It was gone 11. So, you know, everything was just going well for the wedding. I had my clothes. I didn't have any tags on.

So I thought I've done what I need to do. And yes, Stevie Bowen just went, Oh yeah, lads, you've seen this. So we all had to,

who drove? Did we have to get in a taxi? Jason Cook drove, you sat shotgun. He pulled up outside Eldon Square and you, continue. Yeah. I had to go in and just be like,

excuse me. We'll have bought it. I promise. Like, is there any chance you can take this off in brackets? I definitely haven't nicked it. So there's, so there's three groom can take this off in brackets? I definitely haven't nicked it. So there's three groomsmen all dressed exactly the same,

one jacket with a security tag on, and you've got the security card taken off the jacket and then you sprint it back on, let's be honest, the hottest day of the year. See, if I wasn't wearing the suit, they definitely would have thought I've nicked it. So I think the saving grace is the fact that I had the suit on and was like, right, so they took the tag off and then we had to get back in time for the wedding.

Yeah, I forgot what the... Back in time for Rosie. The big day. Yeah, yeah. Why, sorry, why were at Jasmine Dean House? What was the reason for that?

Another one in Carl's greatest hits. Carl, every time I moved house in Manchester, I had to move house twice. You literally helped me from start to finish moving house.

Well, I wasn't going to say anything but while we're on the subject, I've known you for 16 years. Yeah. I am sick of you moving house well I wasn't going to say anything but while we're on the subject I've known you for 16 years I am sick of you moving house please stop

moving house just so he's as reliable as the dacha but he does whinge about it to be fair now since we're

giving Carl a lovely little time here he's also looked after you a few times on tour yes when I've been ill on tour, I remember when I got norovirus,

Rosie Fonders. Rosie Fonders once said, I'm sick, the kids are sick, it's in the post, mate. I'm standing on stage with a sick bucket at my feet, I did the full gig, then I threw up right at the end. Have I told you how I found out about that as well?

So like, obviously you're on tour, it's hotel breakfast, late night, beers, curry, pizza, very different. It's a great way of life. It very difficult it's a great way of life it's the most unhealthiest way of life col didn't take the pants on tour that year because coughs were not big well which is when you put a few inches back on this waistband well we kept the 38 inch waist because i needed it at that point so i'm trying to i don't know i don't know if i've told you but I'm I always try to like because he's on you know he says it's an hour but by the the last stretch of

the you know by the last week of the tour it's a two-hour show yeah absolutely you know um so you've got a bit of you can go get your shopping in if you need to yeah yeah yeah um but what I thought was I'll try and start to like be healthy anyone's listening who's uh works in a venue there's a good chance I've done some calisthenics in the dressing room. So I'm... People who do stuff. But I'm thinking when he gets off,

he's going to want a curry. So I'm going to start in like... I get you. I'm going to be in negative equity by the end of the night. I'm just putting it all back. So yeah, so I'm in me kegs. I'm in me underpants. Yes.

And I'm in the dressing room and i'm doing like a third or fourth round of squats and burpees and all that like like you've seen as you know i sweat normally right yeah lathered oh like like dripping like i've got out the bath reese just comes running in he goes uh chris has called for you oh what does he want what what's up what's's up someone got on stage no no he's been sick what do you want me to do apparently he ran off stage

to be sick and as he's whimpering over the bucket all he could muster the strength to say get Carl get Carl so I couldn't close the show Get Carl! Get Carl! So I couldn't close the show because I couldn't close the show.

What was Carl going to do? He was going, sorry everyone, he's been being sick in a bucket, we're going to have to go, goodnight. I couldn't do that because I'm in my underpants.

So all this happened. So you are reliable. You don't come out because you're in your underpants and you're bright pink. So no one wants to see that. They'd rather watch me. I think the front row would rather I was literally sick on them.

I had to get in the van. I'm sitting backstage. I had to get in the van. And you basically looked after us in the van all the way to the hotel. And then you basically put me to bed and tucked me in. Well, you didn't ask us to. But I just thought it was an appropriate thing to do.

You could hardly walk and all that. That's very sweet. That is very sweet. I am a big, brave soldier when I'm not well.... It was implied. It was an appropriate thing to do. You know, you could hardly walk and all that. That's very sweet. That is very sweet. I am a big, brave soldier when I'm not well. Big, brave soldier. Well, thank you very much, Carl Hutchinson, for, despite what I normally say on the podcast, being able to handle anything.

If you were a car, you would be the all-new Dacia jogger. Visit dacia.co.uk to find out more. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Find out more. is the most terrifying movie of the year. The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night

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Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Eh? What's Your Beef? You're not allowed to go first. I'm going first this week.

Straight in. What was last week's episode called? I've got no idea Gile Incorporated because you slagged off my Gile non-stop slagged off

stop stop stop didn't slag off the style of the Gile slagged off no no no listen

put your finger down put your finger down I slagged off you getting so excited and asking us constantly how you looked in your Gile

slagged off Giles and the concept of Giles to high heaven yesterday ladies and gentlemen, she came in from the shops. She went, I went, where are you Rosie? She went, I'm upstairs trying some stuff on. I walked through the door. She was quickly trying to take it off and hide it, but she had

bought yesterday a fucking gilet. So you can you dirty hypocrite. You dirty, yellow snaky, spineless, disgusting,

lily-livered, fucking, just hypocritical, two-faced piece of shit. I can't get in. I can't, but fuck-nosed, donkey-arsed, horse-faced,

witchery grub, piss-titted, fucking, snaky, horse faced witchery grub piss titted fucking snaky dirty rat that you are can this be

accepted as something called all of the past all of the what can this be except for something called all of the past all of the what just all of them words I hate my face did you now

I'm thinking of new stuff here you're so venomous venomous venomous oh god yeah no I love you

I was never slagging off last week you didn't by the way we've got a lot of messages and I do agree it's a body warmer it is a body warmer who do you think I love a gilet I was never slacking off last week you didn't by the way we've got a lot of messages and I do agree it's a body warmer

it is a body warmer who do we think you are calling it a gilet it's a body warmer when did we ever grown up what were they called body warmers

I can't believe this is happening let's all just not a gillet let's all just live back down in the gutter shall we let's come on I'm trying to be better here guys get a bit of friendship

before cab I did buy one it's nice it's like furry it's lovely faux fur before anyone emails in faux fur faux fur god damn you Come on, I'm trying to be better here, guys. Get a bit of friendship, you whole cab. Anyway, I did buy one. Yeah. It's nice. It's like furry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's lovely. Full fur before anyone emails in. Full fur.

Full fur. God damn you. Is that your beef for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a... I don't want to talk. Stop. Dirty nitwit.

Stop. My beef. I've got two beefs. All right, yeah, yeah. What are the two sleeves that should have been on that coat that you bought? I don't know whether I do them both. Just very quickly, we're just going to gloss over

this first one, right? I'll be the judge of that, but carry on. We've started doing... I say control crying. That sounds horrible. Basically, Rafe was taking the absolute piss

and we're cuddling him before bed for like an hour. One night, it was an hour and a half. And I was like, this is enough because he's asleep. And you put him down. So we've been doing the whole putting him into bed, three minutes outside, going in,

calming him down. And now it's great. It's literally great. It takes like 10 minutes. And he's like, oh, I get it. Right. Fair enough. Don't email in saying that that doesn't work or it's bad for them, by the way.

We won't see that email. You're wasting your time. Carry on. Yeah. We've tried both ways I used to do it with Robin and it worked great with him but then I read a few things about it

and I was like I'm not doing it with Rafe I'm not doing it and then unfortunately you know sitting down for your tea at nine o'clock every night

I was like we need to do something about it it's working so it's great that's by the by me beef is right we were doing it

he woke up in the middle of the night and you we usually get him in the middle of the night don't you and bring him in and you were like what do I do and it just

it really set me off it really set me off because I was like why why am I the only one who reads up about these things how could you just

nonchalantly go through parenting and life knowing fuck all well I knew this was coming I'll tell you right now we're not going to

gloss over this at all if I there's lots of different schools of thought on these things right lots of different schools of thought

like I said I literally had to say to people don't email in because someone's going to email in seeing you're doing it wrong or whatever

right do what you want if you're a parent everyone's got different ideas there's no fucking instruction manual for kids

every kid's different I would have found but he is now only taking 10 minutes I would have found a slightly different article I would have found a slightly different article

to you and I would have said no it has to be done like this and I'd have got and you would have had a massive fucking thing about it

and then you would have turned around and then you would have turned around and what you would have done is you would have took the thing

that you've just used to whinge about and flipped it on its head going I'm the mam I do the stuff you're the mam and you do the stuff look at your fucking face

when it suits you when it suits you you take that shield and you turn it around and you turn it into a sword and then it's a shield again I would just it just fucks me off

you dirty rotten I don't know dear right it just gets on my nerves that we've got two kids and you just you don't know what we're doing with them.

I do. You don't know because I had to Google that. I had to like look into it and I had to work it out. I have watched Super Nanny for years. Right, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Well, your main problem is you're not doing it in the right accent. So you go, good night, babe.

Good night, guys. Now, now, night, now. It's not night, night, night. Now, it's not daytime it's nighttime babes get a bed get a bed

good boy good boy good boy I'm not having a bad hotel against Joe Frost love it many many

many years of watching Super Nanny and loving it I can't believe I genuinely had kids after watching that should have been I can't believe

anyone's having kids should have been a big advert against kids anyway so that's your first beef what's your second beef my second beef is this morning about two hours ago you farted into an empty butter container put the lid on and handed it to me fucking scruff after no but this is this is pure chris right this is sacred chris and anybody who listens to the podcast will understand this he just finished washing it out it was an empty but

a container he just finished washing it out and then for the recycling and then farted in it which i'm getting really told off about the recycling at the minute what's happened is something happened where you're you're shouting at me for not recycling the fucking curry tea do your bit do your bit i do me bit but every now and again it slips a little bit yeah and i have to get your fucking chicken tikka masala tree out and rinse it thoroughly and i have to put it back right and and if he wants to fart in that one i'll fart in that one as well that would smell horrific i was very proud but full clean lure pack little fart lid on quickly still there for you that fart I can't believe you haven't used

that fort I didn't be telling people that we're using lure pack because our mates came round the other night and slagged us right off

saying that we're posh bastards because we've got lure pack and they're on the things we get slagged off for it's unbelievable

isn't it well apparently it's £7 in some of the shops lure pack right well I wouldn't pay that I'm not paying

£7 not where we get it from yeah cranky I know babadoo babadoo babadoo back it's time for questions from the public Well, I wouldn't fucking pay that for it. Not where we get it from. Yeah. Crikey. I know. It's time for questions from the public.

Questions from the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, first of all, thank you so much for all the things you send in. I know I do say it, but I don't want it to just sound like a catchphrase. I don't want it to sound like it just rolls off me toilet. As always, thanks very much. Thank you so much for the continued

interaction you have with us we love it thank you thank you thank you as always if you want to get in touch

shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com send all your stuff your icks your stories your let's talk about shits your mysteries

whatever you want just you know but unless it's a slagging one off or advice on parenting we will not read it send your butter fart send tubs of butter

with farting no don't oh you're so disgusting come on then hi Ramsey he's an ick for you sorry can I just say I don't think you're

going to ever beat the guy with the carrier bag on the front of his car it's one of my favourite, I thought about it for days Has it beat the ping pong, chasing after a ping pong ball? Yeah, because it's so, a ping pong ball's the standard one of like, patheticness

but, guy with a bag, come on We might not be able to do Ix for much longer because there's a lot of, it's gone a bit crazy on social media, a lot of other podcasts are doing Ix sections, so Chris look at this finger, it's on the pulse babe, and sometimes I think if everyone's doing it, I don't want to do it I do an ick section. So, Chris, look at this finger. Yeah. It's on the pulse, babe. It's on the pulse. And sometimes I think if everyone's doing it, I don't want to do it.

Fair enough. You know what I mean? So, we'll see. Anyway, hi, Ramsey's, an ick for you. This is from a man about a woman. Great. Yeah. I walked in on my wife eating one of our nine-month-old little yogurts with his little weaning spoon.

As a result, we will not be trying for a second child as I think my dick has disappeared. Best. Yes. No, I get it. Yeah, I like that. I like that a lot. That's fantastic. A little yoghurt with his little spoon.

Yeah, she's having a little toy dinner. A little child's dinner. I sometimes quite like eating off a plastic spoon. Your mum exclusively eats off plastic cutlery. It's really strange. Like we have a Sunday dinner and she puts it on a baby plate and eats it with a little plastic spoon. Like she's

preparing for the old age pension at home early. I know, she just loves eating plastic stuff. I just do this so when I've got my dentures I can just suck it all in. You've not heard me mum's catchphrase? Have I never said her catchphrase? No. Rosie, you can eat whatever you want.

Just eat it off a tea plate. That's all I've been told my whole life. Eat whatever you want. Rosie, you can have fish and chips every night for your tea. Just eat it off a tea plate. So it's a smaller portion. So it's a smaller portion. All right then.

Sandra is not a qualified nutritionist, so completely fucking ignore everything she has to say do you know every time I put a picture of my mum on Instagram people are like because she's like she's stunning

she's really attractive and she just looks lush but everyone knows this side of her oh yeah there's a 89 year old bloke inside your mum a skin flint

tight fisted scrooge like 89 year old man inside this beautiful woman's body but we'll love you we just don't slag off

we don't slag off Chris's mam Sandra we know you listen and from the bottom of my heart I can take you I'll leave you why don't we slag

your mam off you never slag your mam off you literally cannot no no no let's just get this out here right

because I think this is interesting actually people might agree with this Chris can slag my mum and dad off right to the high heavens

I say anything about his parents oh why are you going to be so horrible about me mum and dad literally it will be a thing in couples

where one of them you can slag off their parents and the other one takes it really personally might be an only child thing oh that's what it is it might be an only child thing

because you will have slagged there we go you will have slagged off your parents with your my entire life sister and brother for your life i haven't had anyone like to the point to the point where when we were like 12 13 me and kate shared a room if my dad or mom told what often then shut the door would like literally stick my fingers up like yeah brilliant yeah there we, brilliant. Fuck you. There we go. That's why you can slag your mum and dad off and I can't slag mine off.

I used to do it with my imaginary friend and he died years ago. Oh. Yeah. What was his name? Um, he didn't have a name. Oh, sad.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Do you want a poo story? Always. Should we do the jingle? Mmm. Wrong key. Sorry. Oh.

Oh, God. How do I do it? How do I sing? Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that have been. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit.

Let's talk about shit. Shagged, married and shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shagged, married and shit. Bah! It's Christmas and I put bells over that. Great. Something to look forward to. Hello Chris and Rosie Ramsey. Listening to the latest episode about the farmer who shat in his boiler suit reminded me of a couple of poo

stories. Great. Whoa! Lucky us! The joy is I genuinely don't care. Don't care what anyone thinks about us. Couldn't give a

literally couldn't give a shit. I love hearing stories about people shitting themselves. So whatever. Never. Judge away.

Poo and farts. Poo and farts will never not be funny. Poo farts wee. Anyone who says they're not funny is lying. Yeah.

Yeah. Go for it. Totally agree. The fact that we've got two sons actually and put to be fair i think daughters are just as rotten just kids in general farting has become a good thing in our house like fair enough the band doesn't like when you fart but when they fart it's great even rave now knows he's like hilarious brilliant this is the first story this summer

i went to SGP Festival. What's that? I've got no idea. No idea. I'm old. Shall I quickly Google it? No. No, I'll Google it.

SGP Festival. Oh, Secret Garden Party Festival. Oh, Secret Garden Party. That's quite posh, isn't it? I think it's a middle class one. That's London. I think they all dress like fairies. Yep.

Grown adults. Anyway, well, someone's shitting themselves. Great. That's London. I think they all dress like fairies. Yep. Grown adults. Anyway, well, someone's shitting themselves. Great. There we go. I went to SGP Festival with four of my mates from school.

On the third day of the festival, after having a strict diet of fried food and beers, we were all feeling slightly worse for wear. Of course. But it got worse.

In our drunken state, we were stumbling around the festival when one of my mates just projectile vomited Without breaking stride And to the amusement Of us all

We burst out Into laughter Until one of our mates Went ghostly white And silent We all calmed down And looked over to him Where we were met

With the vision Of a brown sludge Trickling down his leg Into his shoe Into his shoe. In his fit of laughter, he managed to shit himself about a 15 minute walk away from our campsite and then he showers.

So he took his shitty sock off, wiped down his leg and then carried on like nothing had happened and showered when we got back to the camp six hours later. Dirty, horrible minger. That's wrong. He's going to stink of shit.

Bloody arse crack must have been killing. Imagine if you pulled, you'd be like, I pulled this guy last night, I was so drunk, his breath stunk of shit. His arse stunk as well. You'd be like, there's no way he shit himself and stayed here. Oh, that's six hours later. Do you want to hear another one?

This is probably worse. Worse than that? Yeah. As the other story was quite long, I'll keep this one short. I was on a rugby tour during uni and halfway through the night on the strip of all the shitty clubs and bars, well, if they weren't shitty before,

they definitely were now, I was in desperate need of a mammoth shit. Unfortunately, every toilet had a massive queue, so there was no option but to go in the street. No, no. Stand in the queue. No. That's not the go-to.

Like a dog. That's not the go-to option. In the street. In the street. What's wrong with these people? He's probably a doctor now. There's hotels. There's restaurants.

There's bars. There's McDonald's. I always think. The only option was to go in the street. Here's my thing. There's your pants. Well, yeah. Can I just talk dead quickly about McDonald's and always think the only option was to go in the street here's my thing there's your pants well yeah can I just talk dead quickly about McDonald's

and toilets right because I know I've always been taught my whole life don't go in them and use the toilet right I don't know got to buy something

to use the toilet yeah but I've spent a lot of money at that place yeah yeah yeah so can I just use the toilet sometimes do you know what I mean

I feel justified if it was a Burger King I'd probably feel a bit cheeky because I'd be like I don't put any money through that sometimes? Do you know what I mean? I feel justified. If it was a Burger King, I'd probably feel a bit cheeky because I'd be like, I don't put any money through that cash register. Do you know what I mean? I'm not a Burger King fan. I do understand.

Yeah, you should be. But McDonald's, yeah. Till I die. Yeah. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Give me a big man on my deathbed. Yeah, I think that's a good point.

You go, well, actually, I think you're fine. Last year, I went through your drive-thru six times not using a toilet so you're always a toilet yeah I feel like I'm slagging

off Burger King you like Burger King don't you yeah I like them all but you have a favourite I know but I do like Burger King as well

I'm just great no one cares McDonald's is my favourite I didn't want them to feel that anyway do you want to hear about this yes

so there's no toilets blah blah blah so I went to the nearest alleyway, pulled down my trousers and went for a shit. In my drunken state, I forgot to get anything to wipe my arse with.

Oh, for God's sake. Until I looked over to my left and found my saviour. Do you want to guess what it is? Alleyway on holiday, saviour. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. It's like a fucking

shit edition. A hat or something. A hat that someone's dropped. You're going for a hat Hat on What year was this? No I don't know That was years ago wasn't it

I was going to go face mask I don't know Till I looked over to my left And found my saviour An old pizza box That was on the tip of my fucking tongue No That was on the tip of my tongue

I did not do the logical thing And tear the box And wipe my arse with that I proceeded to open the box whip out an old slice of pizza left inside and use the underside of the slice without any toppings

to wipe my arse and I pulled up my trousers and carried on with my night what's his job now what's his job now I'm stunned I'm stunned I'm stunned that's

pizza that is absolutely fucking revolting holiday pizza in an alleyway of course there could have been maggots eggs

or anything on that I know he's just wiped his ass crack with it and then went and had it the grease the crumbs the shit

oh man there's a bad cardboard box there use your underwear and leave it in the bin don't shit in the street I'm trying

I've never needed a shit that much I've never needed a shit that much all I need to go to the fucking doctors honestly hand on heart

I don't think I've ever had a shit on a night out I don't think I have personally oh nah Peter wipe in your there is no lower moment on a night out. I don't think I have, personally. Oh, Nat. A pizza.

Wiping your... There is no lower moment in a person's life than shitting in an alleyway on holiday of the strip and wiping your arse with the underside piece of second-hand pizza that you found in an alley.

You are an animal and you should be in prison. But also, I love our listeners for sending in this stuff i mean thank you thank you thank you i hate you uh i believe the phrase is thanks i hate it yeah hi rosie and chris this story isn't as wild as some of the ones you get but has gave all my friends a laugh so thought it might be a good one for chris to guess the outcome please keep me

anonymous so at the start of the year my oldest son turned 18 and into a bit of a slut. I'm talking a different girl home every night at the weekend, waking up on a weekend morning, never knowing who he had as an overnight guest type of slut, right? Brilliant. Oh, I'm dreading that. Yeah. He once phoned me at 1.30 on a Sunday morning to change his sheets.

Got told where to go, obviously. Ah, no way. Oh, my God. So he's on the pole. Oh, my God. And he's phoned up and gone, Mom, can you change my sheets? I'm bringing a girl back.

Imagine. You little tosser. Imagine. You arrogant little shit. I respect it. I do respect it. No, but do you know what? No, no.

Let's be honest here. This next generation, I take my hat off to him we've got people emailing in here with cum rags under their bed for years and that lad wants a bed once his sheets changed for a one night stand no no join in clapping with me no he's a little prick ringing his mom and all but he's a spoiled little brat uh no no i think that's a good that is a good sign for the future yes okay quite clean He's probably had a girl in there the night before. Exactly. He knows there's snail trails all over that bed.

Exactly. He's probably got black bedding where he can see it. Exactly. So he's not doing it because he's clean. He's doing it because he's a slag. No, no, yeah. But I think he's doing it because he wants to be clean. I respect that.

I respect that. On the Sunday afternoon, he sent her home and is downstairs watching football with his dad. So I take the opportunity to clean his room up with it. Oh, brave. Pick up the clothes, change the bed, etc. His bed is against the window, so I've climbed over and opened his curtains to be greeted with a used condom on the windowsill.

I saw red. Storm downstairs going mad. You dirty wee bastard! Get up there and get that moved totally dis accents horrific totally disrespectful you get me drift yeah he looked at me and replied go look again psycho so off i marched back up the stairs and what was in fact on the windowsill was do you want to guess or don't you want me to just tell you? Wasn't a used condom.

Wasn't a used condom. A balloon? What else could it be? Wasn't a used condom. Contact lenses. No. I don't know. The casings of three pepperonis.

Even worse. Even worse. Bedroom. A bedroom that smells of stale sex and pepperoni. Even worse. Even worse. Oh, bedroom. A bedroom that smells of steel sex and pepperoni. Get me to hell. Get me to hell. I hate pepperoni. I love it. Oh, look again, psycho.

Yeah, yeah. Mom, you're a psycho. Oh, look again. But they do it's the it's not the grab it's the bit that they're in you know the clear

plastic bit the sheath I'm not one of those I still never apologized and never will if it wasn't for his dirty slag lifestyle

I would never have jumped to that conclusion fucking amazing what who's eaten who's eaten three pepperonis on the go

who's eaten three in a row he's obviously used a lot of energy who's triple dropping their pepperonis are the go? Who's eaten three in a row? He's obviously used a lot of energy. Who's triple dropping their pepperonis? Are we going to let the lads shagging in our house? What are we going to do? It's something I've not thought about. I don't even want to talk about it.

I'm going to have to. It'll creep up. It'll creep up. Nah. I just want to say, well, I just want to be respectful. I don't want to hear headboards banging.

Just do it fucking quietly. Yeah, like we are doing. It's more oppressive than listening to someone fucking like, like, you don't want to hear headboards banging just do it fucking quietly yeah like we are doing there's nothing more oppressive than listening to someone fucking like like you don't honestly I'd be like you don't pay enough rent

to be screaming in the air like pack it in I feel ill but I'd rather the way here I've gone all cold being safe I'll make it like a B&B

me I'll put little things out on that that's awful you know what I mean pepperonis in a little jar I'll be when the last comes in I'll be like hello love nice to meet you

are you on the bill we could just make it really weird oh that'll be a really good way to put them off like come on in it's alright be listen

be as loud as you want yes be as loud as you want dead open bed's creaky but honestly we'd love to know you're having a good time

up there yes yeah there's some Lucas Aid love. There you go. He has a pint of lube. Yeah, yeah. He has some condoms. Oh hey, honestly. Do you want the sex swing hung up? No, not the dick. Alright. Where are you going? Bye.

Yes. We did it Rosie. There you go. That's what we need to do. Slag see ya. And you you little prick. Stop bringing people back to this house. And stop eating all the pepper armies. None left for me in your ma. Hi Chris and Rosie. Currently on my third listen of the podcast.

Lunatic. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you very much. Please keep me anonymous as the lady in question doesn't even know this. I didn't want to embarrass her at the time.

Okay. This is intriguing. I've thought about sending this in on many occasions and I've decided that now is the time. This happened around 15 years ago. I'm 38. I was having regular casual sex with this girl

and everything was going great. She was very attractive and a genuinely nice person. That's good. Not nice enough for you to get in a relationship with, but whatever. This particular time, she came round to my house and things quickly turned to sex.

We were getting down to business with foreplay and she moved down to give me a blowjob. Not wanting to leave her out, I told her, spin round and sit on my face. Why don't you? Tell me that you love me. Amazing, I thought as she straddled my head and bent forward to continue the blowjob. That was when I saw it. The usual breathtaking sight of a well-trimmed and beautiful vagina was sullied

by the not-so-beautiful sight of an arsehole that had not been wiped properly. Is this me? I knew you were going to say that. Panic set in as I was seconds away from having this nightmare

shoved into my face. Obviously, due to the position, it would have been nose-first. Oh, God! the position it would have been nose first oh god oh no come on bless that heart man how were you it could have been any of us wipe your ass properly man you hack it could have been any of us or just go do you know what no no i'm not gonna do that because there's a chance i haven't wiped my ass properly oh you know if you haven't wiped your arse properly, man. You know this is why I have a shower after every shit. You know, man.

You'll go straddling people's faces with a khaki bum. Hang on a minute. As someone who used to have casual sex quite often, I don't know if I would still do it as soon after I was having a shit. I'd probably, listen to what I'd do, I'd probably get a bit of toilet roll and wet it under the sink and wash my bum after poo if I thought I'm going to shower today.

Sorry, okay, great. So that would, I mean, people think putting a condom on kills the mood. Hey, if you're going to have a blowjob, do you want to just straddle around? Oh, two seconds. I'm just going to go in there, wet a bit of toilet roll under the thing

and wipe my bum. Because it might not be spick and span down there. You just stay there. I'll be right back. We all shit. Oh, look, he's climbed out of the window and ran away. And it's his house. How strange. Well, honestly, when I was reading this, I was like, is this me?

Is this me? Have they wrote this in? And now they're like, we've never been able to tell anyone, but it's actually you. This was you. And I never saw you again. Hang on, what else did it say?

I grabbed her. Oh, it still had sex with her. Grabbed her by the bum and lifted her off my face she wasn't a particularly large person definitely wasn't you sorry wow

sorry I couldn't help myself I'm really sorry I'm really sorry wow I'm really sorry I'm really sorry wow I'm sorry wow she asked me what was wrong

and I just couldn't tell her that she had a shitty arsehole the embarrassment would have been awful for her that's nice

yeah I mean it could be worse it could have you know there's three ways that could go subtly well there's a few ways

that could go subtly that stopping it like the way you did like yeah change your mind just let's just go for it so uh grinning and bearing it and having a horrible time um i don't know i wouldn't have grinning bear it if the lad had a shitty awesome i'm sorry yes which would have been horrendous there's another option what's the other option quickly grab a corner of your bed sheet, polish the little button.

There we go. And then crack on. Oh, really? Okay. Should have noticed, though. Should have been like, are you cleaning my arsehole? Someone else do, love.

You fucking clearly aren't. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. thanks for listening to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed which is part of the Acast Creator Network yes thank you very much we'll be back in the years next week

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