Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 197. Magnum XL

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

This week on the podcast Chris and Rosie discuss billionaires, the etiquette of buying teacher's presents and why taking a toddler to a Christmas shop can be tricky. The beefs involve Chris getting locked out and QFTP's cover condoms, loose teeth and an indoor gilet. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with pro dancers Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Oh, that is awful.

Dancers now. Dancers, fully blown. Both of us. Well, we were. Well, I definitely am. And you were until the very sad... I'm sure everyone's going to be got the announcement we've got to make this week about Strictly for yourself. What? You heard it here first, guys. Very sad. Rosie's having to pull out of the Christmas special of Strictly. Why are you doing this?

Don't whine and deny it about it. You know what happened. Rosie has to pull out of the Christmas special of Strictly due to chronic camel toe. It's chronic camel toe. It's gone terminal. It's gone to her brain.

There's nothing no outfit that the team can put her in that doesn't break all kinds of broadcasting rules don't even

because honestly it is a worry it is a worry really of course it is I just thought of it this morning when we were sitting

chatting I was like I'll just announce that you can't do it anymore and everyone will be shitting themselves for a couple of minutes and then we'll just say it's camel toe

shitting themselves I'm sure they'll all be really concerned there'll be people now there'll be people now lying on their back in a park somewhere the dog will be

licking their face trying to bring them round there'll be people running over and they'll have passed out when they heard that the airpods will fucking ping out

across the park who? who? never heard of her that's been nice that was mainly me yeah that is true that was a good one

Twitter was nice yeah Instagram genuinely was lovely with the reaction Twitter yeah not very kind the levels of cess

cess pit go Facebook's your bottom bottom of the bin bin juice watery shit and then Twitter's sort of the next one up

of like a little bit morming and then Instagram's alright Instagram's mainly you know like Instagram's like walking past the bin of like a little bit more minging. And then Instagram's all right. Instagram's mainly, you know, like Instagram's like walking past the bin and catching a little whiff now and then. Instagram, just passive aggressive.

I can deal with passive aggressive. Passive aggressive. You know, although can I? What do I prefer? Maybe, maybe, I don't know. Who knows? Anyway. See, I sometimes don't spot passive aggressive.

That's one of my failures in life. It's not like it's a good thing. When someone's passive aggressive, I'm like, oh, thank you. Oh yeah, you've got no idea. And then I'm aggressive, I'm like, oh, thank you. Oh yeah, you've got my idea. I'm in the taxi, like on the way home,

an hour later, I'm like, wait a second. I think that was a diss. Driver, turn around. Oh, to be so naive.

Yeah, I am sometimes. Strictly's going well. Yeah? Yeah, good fun. I mean, you're gonna,

you're especially gonna enjoy the opening number yes I've heard I don't know how much I can say but fuck it don't give too much away

because one they'll probably don't want you to and two Daisy will take it out anyway because she's terrified of her

one fucking shadow won't you love eh oh stop that honestly guys the stuff Daisy stops you from

listening hey I mean some of yous would like it some of yous would send some strongly worded emails to our management. Twitter would be interesting.

No, so the opening. Do you want to talk about the opening? Go on then. Are you bothered? Of course I'm bothered. All right, so the opening. It's the opening, like what we did and what I did strictly, when you do a big group number and everyone's announced.

Yeah. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, it's great. Obviously there's me and there's two other ladies, two other celebs. They've been announced, haven't they? Yes, everyone's been announced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's me, Nic's two other ladies, two other celebs. They've been announced, haven't they? Yes, everyone's been announced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's me, Nicola Roberts, Alexandra Mardell.

Of Girls Aloud fame. And Alexandra from Coronation Street. Coronation Street. She's an actress. So we are the ladies that are in the show. And I just think... They're really stretching that word with you. But fair enough.

Massively. I just think you especially, and I think our listeners will really enjoy the entrance of the opener because there's their entrances are very glamorous glamorous and sexy really nice okay i imagine you're getting trudged out in a wheelbarrow or something it's not far off it's not far off come on we are just fucking plonky on the deck there she is i can stay out of it it's not far off to the point of where i was like I think I was the only one who would have done this. And I think they know that. I think they know that. I've walked into a few of them in my time.

Yeah. Walked into a few of them in my time. And it was really fun because obviously you've got to practice it a lot. So I had to do it over and over again. Fantastic. Oh, this is a good tease. I'm looking forward to this on Christmas Day. This is exciting.

And I did watch the playback and I look like a sack of shit. Yeah. Excellent. So enjoy that. Enjoy that and I look like a sack of shit. Yeah, excellent. So enjoy that. Enjoy that. But no, it's really fun. Look at that robot from Girls Aloud and Ali from Gunner Street and a humanised, moving,

living, breathing, talking sack of shit. Here it is. From Newcastle. Sack of shit. Neil Jones dragging a sack of shit round the dance floor for 90 seconds. Oh, don't. Craig Revell-Haw,

you just look like a sack of shit, darling. I'm talking about, but I love you, but you don't look like a sack of shit round the dance floor for 90 seconds oh don't you Craig Rutherford you just look like a sack of shit darling I'm talking about bloody love you but you don't look like a sack of shit class I think he's not going to enjoy it though

oh well we're all massively looking forward to it listen it is episode 197 exciting times 197 nearly Christmas

very exciting and we have an actual sponsor this week. This is a sponsor, but it's not a sponsor. But it's not a sponsor sponsor. You don't need to skip it. But it is actually a sponsor. Real sponsors have been. Real sponsors have been.

But this is an actual real sponsor. Because we've got to announce that we have got extra dates on sale for the arena tour next year. Shag Married Annoyed Live 2. Shag Married Annoyed. What are we calling it? Shag Married Annoyed. Shag Married Annoyed. No, we're not. Don't give out false information. Okay. live to shag married annoyed what are we calling it shag married annoyed shagged and married and

annoyed no we're not don't don't give out false information okay shag married annoyed with a vengeance is it just shag married annoyed judgment day are you oh like sorry everyone but chris has been in this mood all morning and it i hate this mood i hate this Like, it's really irritating. All right, man. No, but it's like dad jokes on crack. All right, man. What are we actually calling the two? Shag Marinoid 2, The Clone Wars. Oh, fuck.

Just crack, right. They're on sale. If you'd like to buy them for anyone for Christmas, we'd really appreciate it. We'd love to see you there. If we're still together. We've added the 20, because they're all selling out.

So we've added the 21st of November in Bournemouth and the 17th of November in Hull Bonus Arena. The tickets and all other UK dates are on shagmarionoy.com. Listen, listen. Christmas is coming up.

Buy one for a friend or buy 20 for an enemy. How about that? Yeah. They'll be gutted. They'll be like, oh, what's this? If you let us know on the night

we'll dig them out. They're not going to turn up, are they? No. In a row of 20 on their own? Just one person. Why would the enemy buy them to annoy them? They're not going to turn up are they no in a row of 20 on their own just one person why would the enemy you buy them thing but you annoy them they're going to turn they're going

to go i've got it now they're not locked in to go and they'll go why is this twat port is 20 of these these two are about as funny as stubbing your fucking toe fair enough so there you go oh is it mr twitter that's me i've been reading the comments yeah yeah like that was funny as zipping up your zipper and jamming your helmet in your in your i've got a question very graphic i've got a question only because i don't read full articles i only read headlines yeah yeah what is happening with elon musk and twitter is he bought twitter oh what's happened do you know you are out of the loop here so he owns twitter now he's bought it uh he owns it he fired like something mad like 16 000 people uh they're all suing him but it doesn't matter because he's got the kind of money where suing doesn't matter anymore like he's billions

and billions of pounds you can sue him until the fucking you tear to the fucking cows come home and it's done you just you know what i mean it's like whack them all just bum bum bum um he uh but he unbanned trump and then he unbanned kanye west and then he banned kanye west again um for saying all the horrible anti-Semitic things he said and stuff recently. Yes, I've seen that recently. But then Kanye's last tweet,

then Kanye's last tweet was a photo, a press paparazzi photo of Elon Musk topless on a yacht looking horrific. It's fucking mad. What is happening?

It's absolutely mad. Okay, thank you for letting me know that. Yeah. Why did he buy Twitter? This is what I don't understand. If I was a billionaire, thank you for letting me know that. Yeah. Why did he buy Twitter? This is what I don't understand. Can I just... If I was a billionaire, you would not see me for dust.

I would never work ever again. I don't understand what is wrong with these people who just want to take on things. Because those people, those kind of people don't become billionaires. It's the same as when people go like,

well, if I was a billionaire, I would just give all the money away to charity. Yes, but that's not the kind of person who becomes a billionaire. Yeah. So that's ridiculous. Yeah, you're right.

Because you've got to be a dick. Fucking sociopaths and lunatics and psychos and fucking nightmares become billionaires. Yeah, so they're never going to... But I don't know. I've said once before, if I was a billionaire,

all I would do was drive around in my car ramming people off the road who drive shit. And then once I got banned, I'd then employ people people you do keep saying that and i think it's really odd that you keep saying that because it's a really bad thing yeah i just hate people i wouldn't hurt anyone i would just be like right we're in a jeep and we're just going to slowly push your car onto the grass here and we're going to lean that window and we're going to go stay there dick you can't drive and i'm going to drive off laughing with me billions of pounds like go down day by day by day and then I get banned for driving

and then I employ someone else and then I employ someone else and then all I've got is me and loads of banned drivers if that ever happens

would you not be with me anymore because I don't want to be a part of that if I become a billionaire you'll not be seeing me for dust love you'll not be seeing

me for dust yeah wouldn't do this anymore oh god no what would be the point what would be the point but that's the thing so Elon Musk is basically just doing...

He's like... I think Twitter... Was it Freedom of Speech? They deleted one of his tweets or something and he went, right, I'm buying it then. He's madness. He's a maniac.

Is that how it came about? It's something ridiculous like that. And then there was a rumor that he only did it to ban his ex-girlfriend, but I think that's bollocks as well. He's a fucking... He's a madman. He's a madman with loads of money.

It's scary, I think. Yeah, yeah. What money can do. I saw an amazing tweet the other day. So, you know, Jeff Bezos has turned around and said that he's going to give most... Who's he again? What is he? Amazon.

He's going to give most of his money to charity, apparently. He's turned around, which is out of the blue, and he's going to give most of his 147 billion or whatever. He's going to give most of his... 147 billion? Somewhere around there, yeah. 147 billion? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's Dean Harriot. So he's going to give most of it 147 billion somewhere around there 147 billion yeah yeah he's Dean Harriot

so he's going to give most of it to charity he came out okay that's good sort of like the battle of climate change and loads of different stuff and the top tweet underneath

it just said hmm someone was visited by three ghosts last night wow that's fucking right that's funny oh hey

this is a long intro. I know. Would you like a... Listen, I will sell you now a jingle for a billion pound. You haven't got a billion pound. No, no, you have for the jingle I'm going to sell you. Hmm? Can I sell you a jingle?

Do you want to hear a jingle for a billion pound? Go on. Oh, God, just say yes. Yes. There we go. There's your fucking hell. Oh, gee. You aren't, honestly.

Oh! You're the least funniest person I've ever met. Wow. Back to Twitter, eh's your fucking help. Oh, gee, you aren't, honestly. Oh! You're the funniest ever comedian. You're the least funniest person I've ever met. Wow, back to Twitter, eh? Back to Twitter. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle.

We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoooo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed. Hope you're all doing bloody brilliantly in this lovely December day. Getting excited for Christmas. I've got the Christmas radio songs on in the car. Very exciting. We've got the tree up. Got tree up. Got little houses up.

We've got Daisy, our producer, bought one of the little Christmas houses that we bought. That's very exciting. Do you the tree up got tree up got little houses up little houses we've got Daisy our producer bought one of the little house little Christmas house that we bought that's very exciting do you know what

annoying is I get asked quite a lot in interviews over Christmas have you got any Christmas traditions and I'm always like no we don't

but we do because we buy a little house every little not like a real house one of the little fakey little cheeky little Christmas houses

I love them so cute innit we've got the one where everyone comes out and does a little walk around in that pretty lovely what that brings back bad memories well it does doesn't it as i got it out i remember because when they did the whole i'm sorry to bring this up for everyone but when they did the whole tia system when everyone in london was out partying fucking feliz navidad and the rest of us were in the houses um yeah we had a we had a tr1 tr1 everyone was out literally on our ornament our ornament had a better fucking social life than us that year god it was horrible but i look at it and enjoy it this year because we're all in they're in like a little pub having a drink

and ice skating around yeah coming out as if we lived through that as if we lived through tears of areas where you live let's not get into it no i'm not gonna get away and i don't blame them because it was my times they were doing what get into it and I don't blame them because it was mad times they were doing what they thought was right I don't blame them but still you know fucking

I do I saw you fucking pat her out mate nerd nerd forgiveness is overrated that's what I think Matt Hancock

Matt Hancock great guy fucking great guy what a hoot what a hoot what a fucking god almighty that's fucking great

what a lad anyway on to more important things yeah this is we've never talked about this before right but God almighty, you're so great. What a lad. Anyway, on to more important things. Yeah. We've never talked about this before, right? But Christmas is coming up. What?

We have talked about that. We've just said it. No. Okay. Buying presents for your kids' teachers at Christmas is stressful. Minefield, innit? It is. Do you know what I think makes it harder?

Because I've worked in schools, right? And I know the staff room crack right of 12 boxes of chocolates that i'm never going to eat nine bottles of horrible wine that i'm never going to drink yeah yeah yeah and and so i know that a lot of the time the presents get given away right okay so that makes me go well what can i get them that they're going to like? Yes. And yesterday, I was in Marksies. I've gone for something different.

I've gone for a little nice oils and stuff. Food. Hope she likes food. I imagine, I've only spoke to her a handful of times, Robin's teacher,

but I imagine she does like food. Yes, I know. I think that's a safe assumption. Hope she doesn't listen to this. I hope she doesn't listen either. Not just for this, for many assumption. I hope she doesn't listen to this. I hope she doesn't listen either. Not just for this, for many reasons, I hope she doesn't listen to this. Yeah.

For so many reasons. Well, this is what got us thinking, right? So, I was in Marksies, and I was looking at the wines and that, because I thought, should I get her a bottle of wine? Should I get her something? And they had some vodka, right?

Two seconds, two seconds. Pop the brakes, yeah? What? You're in Marks and Spencer's, buying presents for our kids' teachers. Yeah? Marks and fucking Spencers. Are you for real?

Are you for fucking real? Teaching my kids? Are you fucking serious? Are you serious? Are you taking the piss? Those fuckers. Six weeks holidays a year. Six weeks.

Don't. It's a stressful job. Charity shops. Charity shops. News agents. Right? Maybe a petrol station. Charity shops. Charity shops. News agents. Right? Maybe a petrol station. A petrol station.

Something you found in the street. Right? Re-gifting. Fucking Marks and Fuckers. Are we going to have to have a word? Well, let us tell you the story anyway. Oils! Oils from Marks and...

Oils! Like fig vinegar. Oh, God! To the point where I was like, do I keep this? No, so I was looking and there was a vodka and it's like,

it sounded nice. I don't even like vodka. Bottle of wine, but vodka's a... Well, that's why I thought it was like an orange and cranberry vodka and I was like,

oh, that sounds good. The bottle was really nice. Like, I was lured in by the way it was designed, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I put it in the basket and I thought, I oh, that sounds good. The bottle was really nice. Like, I was lured in by the way it was designed, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I put it in the basket and I thought, I can't buy me Ben's teacher

a bottle of vodka. It almost feels like an apology. You're going to be needing this. Sorry for the year. We're just so sorry. We know, we know, and we're sorry and look

have it with a mixer but we understand if you don't we understand if you're just Kevin and Perry eyeball Paul it straight into your

fucking cornea we get it we do get it so anyway I didn't get it right yeah good good

so you got some oils well yeah yeah I hope she doesn't listen to this because you know now she's just realised she could have had a bloody lovely

bottle of vodka I know she's going to be like I love vodka fig oil like oh god and the wonderfully most pretentious present

goes to Rosie Ramsey fig oil what is fig oil I think it's oil made from figs oh there we go another mystery crack

you might have it totally wrong I think it was truffle oil and fig vinegar actually. I've made a fool of myself. I know. I kind of don't

want to keep it. You want to keep it? Great there we go. Well there we go. Well. I'll put the barrel station. It's time for

What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef.

I've got a very topical beef. Okay. Very topical beef. Two-parter. Oh, brilliant. Two-part topical beef. Wait a minute. Happened today.

First of all... Happened today? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've hardly seen you. No, doesn't take much. Doesn't take much. First of all, your person who does your curtains for you

came round Nikki lovely Nikki very nice person very good curtains she came round she came to pick up some curtains

that you need all that yeah and she first of all the two heavy fucking bags of curtains she took

I don't know how we're going to get to sleep because she took every pair of curtains in the bastard house away right you just claimed, just take them out of our car

and you said, Chris will carry them for you. So I was in my office having a little coffee. So I had to then stand up in my pyjama pants and put my trainers on, right? I carried these two extremely heavy bags and you stood nattering with her at the doorstep while I just stood holding them

like I was her little assistant. I went and put them in our van. I know what this is i came back to the front door you'd lock the front door and fucked off upstairs like i didn't exist through a stone off the window how many times i knocked on the door i knocked on the door for so long when i'm on the doorbell i'll knock on the door for so long and then i had to pick up a stone and throw it off the bedroom window because i knew you in the bedroom i mean i got very excited because I was like,

oh, Romeo, Romeo with us. Yeah, like an American high school movie. It's ridiculous. What the hell were you thinking? And you looked out of the window as if to go, why have you thrown that, you prick? And then I pointed to the door and then the penny dropped and you thought, oh, I've locked him out in his pyjamas.

Well, do you know what? This actually all comes back to you. It all stems back to you, Chris. Don't you... You are so anal about locking the front door. Of course I am. As burglar as the thieves. You're terrible.

You won't leave the gates open. You have to lock the door all the time. So, muscle memory, I just locked the door after you left. I just went... I was in my pyjamas. Secretly hoping you would never come back. Doing something for you. Wow.

Wow, and there it is. I knew you were just angry that I'd asked you to carry the curtains. Do you know what it is? It got even worse. Why? Because you locked us out. Oh, for fuck's sake. It was fucking freezing.

I was in my pyjamas. It took you three seconds. It took longer than that. Imagine if you had broke that window. Imagine. I've been on the protein bars. I'm surprised I didn't. Oh, Jesus.

What's your beef? My beef with you? Mm-hmm. It's something that's been happening a long long time I may have mentioned it years ago because it does always fuck me off at this time of year.

Great. You you just don't wear a coat. Right. You never wear a coat and I just fucking I have to walk

I had to walk along you I had to walk along yesterday with you in Newcastle City Centre right where we're from you didn't have a coat on and it was pissing down

with rain and then I'm just the woman with the man who's getting wet and I hate it both were kids had full on winter coats on

I had a massive scarf it was freezing and you just had a hoodie on so then all day you were just that wet sort of clammy why didn't you take a coat? What's wrong with you?

I forgot it, man. You didn't forget it. I had my gilet. No, no, you can fuck off. I had it in the porch. Hang on a minute. Can I finish what I'm saying? I said to you before we left,

it's going to rain. Right. Right? And you were like, oh, I'll take my gilet. And I said, your gilet isn't going to keep your arms wet,

arms dry even. And then you were like, oh no, it'll be fine. And you forgot your gilet in the end. I did forget your gilet in the end. I did forget my gilet in the end. And I... Right.

So you're claiming a gilet can't be worn in the rain? Are you claiming it can only be worn in cold? Yes. How can you wear a gilet in the rain? Are you going to get your arms wet? Is this a joke? It doesn't have sleeves. Right.

Are you taking the piss? But my jumper's got sleeves. But your jumper's cotton sleeves but your jumper's cotton right it's not waterproof right are you

are you fucking stupid are you kidding me it's always raining when am I going to get away with my gilet then oh my god

oh my god what if I wore what if I wore just a t-shirt and then and then just my bare arms my bare arms get wet

and then I just carry a little towel and I dry my arms horrible I would just really like to-shirt and then bare arms get wet and then I'd just carry a little towel and I'd dry my arms horrible I would just really like to walk around with my husband in public

in December with him wearing a coat please it's all I'm asking right I forgot it I forgot my coat and to be fair

if I'd had my gilet I'd have been warm you do it all the time right you didn't forget you do it all the time I did forget my gilet I forgot my gilet

a body warmer as people have had to have a go at as for saying to be fair it is body warmer more than gilet but forgot my gilet a body warmer as people have had to have a go at as for saying to be fair it is body warmer more than gilet but whatever mine's a really posh body warmer so I'm going to call it gilet

and you're just going to I'll fuck off don't be coming for a gilet don't you come for a gilet sorry everyone I got really angry there just get really defensive of my gilet right

just back off back off and you stop why are you worried oh we're done man no no no why are you worried what other people we're done man we're done no no no why are you worried what other people think

why are you thinking that people are looking going oh look at that there's that Rosie Ramsey and there's a husband who never wears a coat the shame I just find it really

the shame I just find it odd that we live in a world where you've got there's a cupboard downstairs with about six of your coats in I'll tell you exactly why right

I'll tell you exactly why I didn't take my coat because we went up to Newcastle we went yes we stood outside for a bit we went to Greg's we went to look at Fenwick why I didn't take me court. Because we went up to Newcastle. We went, yes, we stood outside for a bit. We went to Greg's. We went to look at Fennec's window, didn't we?

Yes. For the kids. And then we go into the shops and the shops are fucking boiling hot. Because everyone's got their heating on. And all the shops have got their heating on. There's loads of people in. So you go in,

dressed like you're going fucking sledging. And then you're carrying a big fuck-off coat around the shops the whole time. Don't take a big coat. Take a smaller coat. What's the point then? You know what? Do you know what?

So you just bought from a brown man. Do you know what? Listen to me right now. Do you know what's smaller than a coat? A fucking gilet, love. Right, right. Listen, this is, right, this is ridiculous

that we're still talking about this. This is nothing against your stupid gilet, right? Well, that's a way of saying it. All I'm saying is, I knew that was the reason why you hated taking a coat because you hate carrying it around.

I would rather breathe the cold. But do you rather just be wet? I breathe the cold and wet outside, go in the shops, dry off while I'm walking around and then not have to carry it. So your brain is ridiculous. I don't like carrying bags.

Actually ridiculous. I don't like carrying bags and I don't like carrying coats. I don't like carrying stuff. I don't like doing it. That's another thing you do actually. We haven't been shopping for a while but usually Chris just fucks off

every 10 minutes to take a bag back to the car. I take stuff back to the car back the car because you fucking carrie bradshaw walking around paper bags kicking off they give you a new bag every time and then when you say when you say when you say i don't need a bag they look at you like to be fair when you see them buy they get very upset not but i wish they did in the bloody supermarkets it's's like asking for a kidney. They give them the paper bags left, right and center. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's to advertise the shop.

Yeah. I think it's to advertise the shop. But, yeah, no, I don't like carrying stuff and I've said it and I'm not bothered. And do you know what? When I have to carry stuff,

Mijile leaves me arms quite free to carry things. Chris, Chris, Chris. Got the buggy, man. Got the buggy, man. How are you? Oh, well. Got the buggy. That've got the buggy man away oh well we've got the buggy

we've got to put everything on there man can we have a moment to talk about Ralph absolutely going ballistic in the Christmas department please

oh god oh it's horrible I've never seen anything like it no people were staring it was very embarrassing well we went to

there's a shop in Newcastle called Fenix and they've got a full Christmas department on the bottom floor the whole thing turns into like Santa's kind of thing there's Christmas shop in Newcastle called Fenix and they've got a full Christmas department on the bottom floor the whole thing turns into Santa's grotto kind of thing, there's Christmas decorations everywhere it's mint, I used to love it when I was a kid and I still love it now

and we took Rafe and it was like it was like there was some kind of sound wave playing in the place that only babies could understand that said you've got 30 seconds to fuck this place up. It was ridiculous.

And you win loads of cool baby stuff. It was like, it was a rabid fucking dog. I've seen nothing like it in my life. In his defence, it was all the baubles because they're all obviously just hanging. Yeah.

And he just went. The reach, the speed on him. He was like a boxer. He was like Tyson Fury. The reach and the speed on him. It was unbelievable. I pulled one thing off and the reach and the speed on him it was unbelievable like I pulled one thing off

and he's got another one but it was the it was the frantic madness of just he was just like everything and he wasn't even

looking at it he was just ragging stuff off he was like and that and that can fuck off and that can fuck off as well and watch this piece of shit and that can go on the floor

and I was like picking them up and he was like let it fucking put us down let us at them Robin was literally howling at him do you remember

we were crying laughing it was madness oh apologies to anyone who had to witness that as well apologies to everyone in Fenwick we probably owe you about 40 quid

for the amount of stuff he fucked up he genuinely crazy he definitely broke three I'm sorry it was crazy we didn't take them

and pay for them no because he didn't break them he just pulled them out of the did you yeah you know when the bauble pulls out of that yes them. He just pulled them out. I put a few of them back in. Did you? Yeah, you know when the bauble pulls out of that

like bottle top bit with the two bits of wire. Did you put them back? I put a couple of them back, yeah. Fuck, I just had to get them out of there. It was mad. It was like supermarket sweet-bossoming. I know. Eesh.

Carnage. Psycho. Anyway, that's what you get for taking an almost two-year-old to the Christmas bauble section of a shop. Madness. Ridiculous. I wish we'd filmed it. I mean, people were pointing.

People were pointing and looking and laughing. It was ridiculous. I was mortified. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. You didn't do what you said you were going to say. Well, I said it in the thing.

I didn't want to change the thing, but for some reason, I just, guys, as we paused it there, I leant back and I said something and I made myself laugh and I said, it's time for questions from the pubelice I like that

questions from the pubelice pubelice it's time for questions from the pubelice questions from the pubelice pubelice pubelice pubelice

so there you've all been you've all been generalised as pubic lice thank you so much for everyone who sends everything in you're amazing it's shagmagnonord

at gmail.com if you want to continue sending amazing stuff in even if it's about pubelice Robin avoided the knits at school that was going round so that's good everyone who sends everything in, you're amazing. It's shagmagnonord at gmail.com if you want to continue sending amazing stuff in. Even if it's about pubelice. Robin avoided the knits at school. That was going around. That was a terrifying segue. That was a terrifying segue.

For me to say pubelice and you to immediately say our son's name. That was horrible. Don't do that again. He ain't got no pubes yet, man. I know. I take the piss out of him

for it on a daily basis. Loser. Baldi. Baldi. boobs yet man i know i take the piss out of him for it on a daily basis i don't know if there's any other couple in the entire world who would openly say take the piss out of the seven-year-old that's dreadful we should be ashamed of ourselves that's the thing over the years as a comedian every comedian knows this and anyone who knows any comedians the laugh is the most important thing. Yeah. It doesn't matter. You will joke about anything if it gets the laugh,

and it will brighten the mood, but you've developed it over the years, and you've almost made me worse with it. I know. It's bad. You, like, egg me on. It's bad. Yeah.

Anyway, what we got? It's bad in public. I feel like I can't say anything seriously anymore. Yeah. I just have to... Joke constantly. Joke I just have to joke constantly. Joke. Be on.

Got a bit of a nick here. Get in. Hello, Chris and Rosie. I'm from Canada. This is somebody from Canada. Oh, Canadian nick. Yeah. Just Canadian, isn't it?

Canadian nick. Oh, Christ. Oh, sometimes this is like pulling teeth. Sometimes this is like pulling teeth sometimes this is like pulling teeth that's one thing i'm not good at knowing what the people are called from where they're from canadians yes i know well i know that one but there's a right okay all right come on i'll get a quick quiz oh let's go okay right american america america what am i doing the country it's already a fail It's already a fail.

It's already a fail. Right. You say what they are. Right. Okay. Well, then you've done it wrong then. No, because I said America. You said American.

I didn't. I said America. You fucking kid. Rewind this back. Excuse me. Leave the tape. Are you clicking your fingers? I don't know.

Anybody? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You did that wrong. You said American. All right.

Maybe. I can't be asked to go back. Whatever. You did. Mexico. You did. Mexico. Mexicans. Correct. Yes.

Brazil. Brazilians. Very good. I'll do the main ones. Chile. Chileans. Yeah, it might be Chileans, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Germany. Oh, this is what gets us. Really? Or Germans Yay Not right Not Dutch Thailand Thai

Possibly Taiwanese Possibly Do you not know? I don't know This is a shit quiz Oh my god Luxembourg

I don't even know where that is Nah I don't even know Oh for fuck's sake I don't know what I call it If they're from Luxembourg. Oh. I don't even know where that is. Nah, I don't even know. Oh, for fuck's sake. I don't know what they're called if they're from Luxembourg. Luxons? I'll have to Google it. I know it's a tax haven. Cha-ching.

Is it? Where is Luxembourg? Let me guess. Is it Switzerland? God. Geography. Why are we the stupidest people on the planet? Well, you started it, Mr. I-know-all-the-answers.

Oh, yeah. So Luxembourg's a tiny little country. It's landlocked. Ooh. Well, you started it, Mr. I know all the answers. Oh, yeah. So Luxembourg's a tiny little country. It's landlocked. Oh. So where? That always sounds really scary,

doesn't it? Locked in my land. What does it even mean? There's no sea anyway. Oh, my God. You will never guess in a million years what people from Luxembourg are called.

Luxons. Luxembourgers. Why is that? Luxembourgers. Excuse me mate, can I have a double Luxembourger with cheese? Thank you.

Oh God. Fantastic. Luxembourgers. Sorry. I'm not even sorry. You can't expect me to not laugh at Luxembourgers. I don't give a fuck. Where is Luxembourgers. Sorry. No, I'm not even sorry. You can't expect me to not laugh at Luxembourgers. I don't give a fuck. Where is Luxembourg?

It's sort of in the... It's landlocked. It's in the head of... Oh, God. Are they all okay? They're fine. They're absolutely fine. They've got friends.

It's fine. It's landlocked between France, Germany and Belgium. Oh, I bet it's lovely. I imagine it's a beautiful place, yeah. Oh. And it's a tax haven. I think it's a tax place, yeah. Oh, and it's a tax haven. I think it's a tax haven. It'll be posh.

I bet there's loads of rich people who live there. Oh, yeah, listen, I'm not being funny. Fancy a couple of days in Luxembourg with the Luxembourgers. It'll have to be more

than a couple of days if you want to have a tax benefit from it. I think it'll have to be 90 odd days or something like that. Oh, is it? Ah, well, look at it. Listen, I bet that's lovely.

What's it between France, Belgium and Germany? Yes. Hey, I bet it's lovely. Yeah's it between France, Belgium and Germany? Yes. Hey, I bet it's lovely. Yeah, I bet it's really nice. Oh. There we go. Luxembourg is fucking awesome.

Do you want to do any more? Are you giving up on your quiz? Why don't you do it properly for next week? Pause now. I'm going to get one together for you. No, just... No. Let's do it properly for next week.

Okay, then we'll do one properly for next week. Let's make a note. Oh, great. Did that sound like I was typing? No. Okay's do it properly for next week. Okay, then we'll do one properly for next week. Let's make a note. Did that sound like I was typing? No. I'll write it down. I'll remember. I have an ick that I think all women will understand and hopefully most men.

This is the ick. Jim Bros. Yes, Jim Bros. No, that's not the ick. I was getting it fair. I, gym bros, yeah. No, no, that's not the ick, but that's a men at the gym. I was getting it fair. I was going to probably have to leave. I smashed something there. I mean, I know I go to the gym on my own, so I haven't got any bros. Right.

But I'm... This is an ick in itself. Yeah. Gym bros who wear jeans or cargis whilst working out. Oh, I don't like that at all. Especially the ones who wear jeans or cargis while lifting weights. Oh, why would you do that? Who are constantly scanning the room to see who's looking at them

and then walk around the gym with a smirk on their dumb faces instead of the shame they should be feeling for dressing like a douchebag. Oh, this is a Canadian. Wow. In meme terms, he's a 10 out of 10, but he wears jeans to the gym. Nice. Who's wearing jeans to the gym? That absolutely buffers and confuses me. It's very Arnold Schwarzenegger, isn't it? It's very 90s. jeans to the gym. Nice. He was wearing jeans to the gym. That, it absolutely

buffers and confuses me. It's very Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't it? It's very 90s. I can imagine them wearing jeans in the gym. Maybe, maybe. Because they're not

doing cardio on their legs they're just lifting weights aren't they? I mean I doubt Arnie ever skipped leg day. That's slander. But I bet he wore shorts on leg day.

That's all I'm saying. Did you see him in his hair day? Yeah. It was mental. The documentary man? The Pump and Iron one. hair, dear? Yeah. I've seen the documentary, man. The Pumpin Iron one. The Pumpin Iron, yeah.

Pumping Iron. Pumping Iron. It's like coming in the gym. Madness. Why he said that and thought of that. What did he say? It's like coming. It was his whole thing.

It's a really famous, hilarious quote where he's like, when you get the pump, and he's like, I'm terrible at his accent, but he's like, when you get to the chopper, he's like, when you get the pump in the gym, and he's like doing, you know, he's like pointing his muscles, going, oh, you get the pump on he's like i'm terribly zach's and he's like when you get to the chopper he's like when you get the pump in the gym he's like doing you know it's like pointing these muscles when all you get the pump on your muscle it's like coming and it's like it's like feels like coming but then i'm like in the gym i'm like coming like google it it's one of the maddest conversations i don't know it's one of the maddest conversations you will ever see a man having about about the gym

it's really strange. But everyone just went, oh, you bloody Austrian, yeah. Austrian, there we go. Austrian. Where's he from? Austria. Austrian, there we go.

It's another place I'd love to go. I had, when I was younger, me and my mates were all little skater dudes. Yeah. Who was a skater boy? Said to you little boy. And we all went, we used to go jogging. You know when teenagers go through a thing of like

let's get fit yeah we went jogging we used to run the length of the beach and two of them used to do it in jeans awful

two of them used to do it in full on skater boy jeans it was madness horrendous I just remember thinking the chafing you must be chafing but do you not remember

back when we were younger when we were a kid there wasn't any gym like gear like there is now. Oh, yeah, I mean, like gym shop,

and underarm, and all that shit you wear now, leggings and that. What would you wear? You'd just wear jogging pants, wouldn't you? Joggers or shorts. Yeah,

yeah. Cycling shorts. Yeah, joggers, them like, that just soak all your sweat up. Do you know what I mean? Like proper flannel fucking pants,

just like soaking. Popper pants. Popper pants, dangerous them, dangerous them. How come? Popper hasn't someone popped them out? Bum,

bum, bum hangs out? Pop me a pants. Yeah, I did love Pop a pants Someone pop my bum bum bum hands out Pop me a pants Yeah I did love my pop a pants I bet you did So what? Whore

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking

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loader april 5th at roy thompson hall for tickets visit tso.ca rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hiya. I've been married for a while and I'm, like you, pretty vanilla. Oh, great. Thank you. I'm glad that everyone knows that about me. So never thought I'd

have a reason to write in. Okay. But hearing Chris talk about how embarrassing it is buying condoms, yes, it's been a while ago, it made me wonder what Chris would have done in the situation my husband found himself in recently. Great. He was in Boots getting a few bits and bobs for our upcoming holiday and optimistically popped a pack of condoms in the basket. Fucking dreamer. Honestly, who do you think you are?

God loves a tryer. When he got the checkout, as the lady scanned the condoms, he realised that he had in fact picked up a pack of Magnum XXL size. Oh, shit. Now, it's his, yeah. What are you laughing at? I'm just already, just, come on, I don't want to go over anything that they're about to say,

but in my head, the scenario's already playing out and it's great. Now, bless him, he's lovely, but using these condoms would be as pointless as him popping his dick in a sandwich bag. But he's lovely. Magnum XXL, though, that's going to be pretty big.

But what a diss she's just put on a public forum. He's lovely, but no. Jesus. Well, no, I'd say the same for you. Great, thank you. You're lovely, but flap on you like a bloody sock in the wind. Yeah, it would be're lovely but flap on you're like a bloody sock in the wind yeah it would be like a fucking

it would be like a wind sock outside the airport exactly Magnum XXL they're massive them XXL they're huge what's going on here they're like

is that the one that I'm so depressed she put it over her leg didn't her the lass on the internet remember when some lass went viral she put it over her leg did man it was a fucking

it was a pop star I'm sure she said when a guy says condoms are too tight and she put it over her leg she went viral remember that It was a fucking it was a pop star. I'm sure I should have said when a guy says condoms are too tight and she put it over her leg. Oh right. Remember. That's funny. Yeah yeah. I can't remember saying it. But it was one of them. But that's XXL that's me dick so big I had

to go into porn. Just had no other choice. Had to go into porn because. Three PhDs I had. Just too big. Porn. Had to do to do porn realizing his error he decides that he has no other option but to tell the cashier no dude don't do that that's mr right right so the scenario that was coming up my head was in a perfect world she was going to go beep oh hold on it's just come up my screen as a reminder here i just need to check these are the massive ones

do you have a massive knob or have you put these in by accident that would have been a perfect thing and then the second perfect one is him going sorry i've just realized i've got a tiny little tiddler and these are for the massive ones i don't think he's got a tiny average i think he's got you know you know average decent tiddler and as she said as she said which helps out a lot he's really nice he's lovely he's a nice guy so fuck it listen it's not about the size what is it man

it's not the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean there we go that is true you know although it's sort of true what come on

what keep it above the waist fair enough so he has to tell the cashier sorry love I appear to have picked up the wrong sign. That's so funny. Mate, just put no.

Right, come on, tell us what he did and I'll tell you exactly what I would have done. He then proceeds to hold up the queue while he runs back over to the condom stand. God! Which is in the middle of being stacked. He puts back his magnum sized error,

picks up the average pack, murmuring his apologies to the shelf stacker. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, God. Watch out for me. Average sized cock

in your face. Then runs back to pay. He walked out of the shop absolutely mortified and called me to explain. I was with my friend and we were in tears laughing. So bad.

Now, what would Chris have done? Right. I'll tell you exactly what I would have done. I would have styled that moment out. And if when putting them through, the woman happened to look at us, I would have made perfect eye contact and went, that's right.

That's right, love. Watch yourself. Pabow! Watch yourself. And then I'd have walked away like John Wayne, like it was actually, it was hindering me movement. And then I'd have quickly

went to another shop and bought some normal ones and just had to throw them in the bin or keep them for a laugh. I'll give them to someone as a dual Christmas present. The fact that he was like, sorry everyone, I seem to have purchased the wrong prophylactic here. These are for massive willies,

and mine is average, but I am a lovely guy. Ask my wife. The only thing he could have done worse is gone, excuse me, love, I can't be asked to go there. Can you go on the tannoy and just tell everyone that I've bought the wrong size knob wrapper? Featherfield. What a lunatic.

Yeah. I mean, fair play that he tells. And I suppose condoms are expensive, but I would have took that hit. I'd have took that hit and i'd have given someone as a would you a joe christmas present or something or do you know i mean i and just i'll just fucking i don't know maybe weirdly maybe took them back and just put them back on the shelf and bought some but just not i had to take the hit i couldn't however much they are it would be worth it because actually annoyingly something i mean i the last time I did this

got a really hacky look from the cashier. But sometimes when you're at the supermarket, when you're on the, what's it called? The conveyor belt. Yeah, yeah.

If you see something you don't actually want, I sometimes put it on the side. Loads of people do. There's like a little plethora of random little shit on the side. You could have done that

if you'd been in the supermarket. Do you know, did I tell you the time I did that not long ago? No, but again, of course. I put it on there and the woman was really raging. She was like, ugh. Really could have done that if you'd been in the supermarket. Did I tell you the time I did that not long ago? No, but again, of course. I put it on there and the woman was really raging. She was like, ugh.

Really? I was like, oh, I just don't, the wrong kind of nuts. Sorry, the wrong nuts. I've got, these are massive fanny nuts and I've got a normal sized fanny.

Does that make sense? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. My sister used to work in a well known South Shields cafe many years ago When she was about 18 The owner had a pet dog and asked that

Staff scraped leftover meat From dinners into a slop bowl for him to Take home I don't know how I feel about that Why is it mangy? It's not mangy because it's dogs it's recycling it's not waste

it's recycling it's not waste I suppose that when I can't be there all the time to do it myself and I suppose it's safe well rather than

it going in the bin he's like put it in there me dog will eat it I've turned a corner I actually think it's alright because A it's for the business as well

so it's not wasting meat which is good for the environment and it's also he's the leftovers for the business as well. So it's not wasting meat, which is good for the environment. And it's also, he's, the leftovers of the business, that pay, you know,

the business pays for the meat and that saves him having, him or her having to pay more for the dog. Dog food. Yeah. So, okay. I initially was annoyed by it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the owner can't be there the whole time to do it themselves. Yeah. So I get it. Fair enough. But, that slop bucket

is giving me anxiety wherever it is. Horrible, isn't it? I'm already it but that slop bucket is giving me anxiety wherever it is i'm already upset it's like well you used to get really upset about my meat crisps yeah which i nearly bought the other day but i stopped myself i'm already upset about that slop bucket right towards the end of her shift when they were about to close up an elderly couple came in for mints and dumplings my sister advised them that unfortunately there was no mints left and asked if they would like anything else, to which they declined. They were just about to leave the cafe when they were interrupted

by the owner who said there was in fact some mints out the back if they would like to have a seat. My sister said she then witnessed her boss scooping mints out of the dog's scrap bowl onto two plates. Get in the bin and prison.

Whilst carefully avoiding chicken, pork chops and all the other leftover meats. Oh, that's absolutely rotten. She stood there in absolute horror but said she didn't have the guts to say anything at the time. She then watched as two old deers tucked into their mints and dumplings. I hope Chris isn't too horrified by this and just so you know the cafe was closed down shortly after. I'm not fucking surprised. Oh that's, see?

Isn't that grim? It's probably just on the floor in the corner somewhere there could be anything going on. Oh man. Alright, I'm annoyed about the slop ball now because I said it's saving money but they're obviously a cheap fucker who would give old, day-old fucking meat to a pair of old deers

to get an extra couple of quid out of them. Awful. Go fuck yourself. Yeah. Oh. Rotten. I've got to stick with my gut. My initial thing was I was annoyed.

Your initial thing was it's manky, so stick to it. It's manky. But how did you get rid of all of the... Don't get your employees to scrape fucking old meat into a bowl. If you want it, fucking do it yourself for your dog. How did he get round all the other stuff? Mince is like tiny.

That must have been crazy, that. That must have been... Oh, God. Oh. All I can think of as well is how fucking rats that dog's farts must have been. Yeah. Oh, that house. Hot. Hot's farts must have been. Yeah. Oh, that house. Hot.

Hot dog farts. Hot dog meat farts. Hi, Chris and Rosie. This isn't a question, but I stumbled across... I stumbled across this hilarious short story I wrote when I was 11 years old and thought you might like it. Oh, get him. Especially the blunt comment from my poor teacher who had to read this monstrosity

do you want to hear it 100% right well brace yourself did I tell you I found your jotters they're in the garage but I haven't been asked to get them

yeah yeah yeah right so this is this is one of our one of our listeners right when she was 11 she wrote this story right

oh my god she scanned it and sent you it oh yeah great it's like so it starts off it's grandma's party but she's crossed out grandma

and she's wrote cousins, right? So she's already changed the location. Okay, so I'm going to tell you right now, that was changed later on in the story when she wrote something that didn't make sense for being grandma, so she just went back and gone. This will make sense if I change the whole scene. Okay.

They sighed audibly. They knew this was it. There was no way out. There was nothing for it but to go. Fine, shouted Keela Rose. We'll come. Thank you. Now go and get ready, shouted Mum.

Keela Rose and Leila groaned. Every year they had to go to their cousin's party. Every year it was rubbish. That's when they've had to change it. Their cousin, Cindy, was the most boring person you could ever come across. Well, according to them, they liked footy and mud and cars.

All Cindy talked about. And mud! Sorry, can I just say, they like, right, so just to dissect this very quickly, they like footy and mud and cars. Yeah. Right? Three things that cannot be done at the same time. At all. Can I just say, they like, right, so just to dissect this very quickly, they like footy and mud and cars. Yeah.

Right? Three things that cannot be done at the same time. At all. Don't play footy. Ah, it's too muddy. Do you want to go out in the car? Ah, it's too muddy. Can't get traction on the wheels.

Three separate things. Three separate things. Footy and mud and cars, but separately. Yeah. Not at the same time. Can I keep going? Who likes mud? Well, they do. In the story, Kayla Rose. All Cindy talked about was makeup hair

and, well, makeup. Right, okay. As they got in the car to go, Kayla Rose exclaimed she felt sick, but Mum was having none of it. She pushed Kayla Rose back into the car and slammed the door shut. Why didn't she not want to get in the car?

She bloody loves cars. She feels sick. It's all that mud she's been playing with. She doesn't want to go at her grandma, I mean cousin's party grandma cross out cousin okay mum clambered in the front

and started the car clambered clambered a lot of very good words brilliant a few minutes later they were on their way and Kayla Rose

was still feeling sick Layla had fallen asleep and mum was screeching along to a song on the radio she was so absorbed in the song that she had forgotten all about the steering wheel. It was then... This is the good bit. Are you ready?

I forgot about the steering wheel. By the way, 11 years old. It was then the dreadful thing happened. Another call came zooming in the opposite direction. By the time she noticed it was too late. Crash. Everything turned black. Oh my God.

Now Keela Rose was more than sick. She was dead. So were all three of them. So were all three of them so were all three of them Chris this is the last line there was no one I could say so were all three of them this is the last line

no more mud no more football no more cars the last line of the story they never got to their cousins party it's like a rough script they never got to their cousin's party. It's like a rough script for a pay attention while driving advert. Do you want to hear what Mark had got in the comment?

Yeah, what'd he get? So he got six and a half out of ten with a little comment saying, a rather sad ending. It's like, it's honestly like it is like it's like it's one of them adverts

you know when they get in they all get in the car and they're all buzzing and they've got the pizza and stuff and it's like oh they forgot the mushrooms you've seen that one

the Welsh guys they get in and they crash the car because they're not watching properly it's like one of them it's like a government information advert hey when you're driving

this christmas don't forget about the steering wheel yeah because you've got the music blaring she was no longer sick she was dead she was no longer sick she was dead which is much worse i actually i actually think it's quite good it's all right and i don't think it marks someone down on a sad ending i don't think that's... What was the assignment? Was it write a story with a happy ending? I think it was what happened at the weekend. And I wrote this from me grave. Oh, well done.

Thank you so much for that. That was absolutely wonderful. Really enjoyed reading that. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh, God. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Couldn't help but email when I heard about Chris's new gilet. Oh, no. Thank you. Oh, God. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Couldn't help but email when I heard about Chris's new gilet.

Oh, no. Thank you. My granny has a... Oh, I don't like where this is going. I'm immediately regretting this. My granny has a countless amount of gilets around her house. Sounds like a ledge. The typical granny colours of purple, navy and pink fleece types.

Why do they just wear loads of purple and navy and pink? I don't know. You get them in age where you just wear purple all the time. It's weird, isn't it? Is it something to do with their eyes? Or your eyes when you're gold? Your eyes? Just do you see, are you more attracted to purple or something?

I mean, I don't think there's any scientific basis for that. I don't know. We were collecting her one day and she was of course wearing one of her purple gilets and told us she would need to quickly change her gilet to leave. Assumably into something warmer with sleeves, Chris. She started to walk towards the identical purple gilet she had on the back of a chair.

At this point, I thought she must have been losing her marbles and told her it was exactly the same. Her reply was that the one she had on was her indoor gilet and she couldn't possibly wear it outside. She had to swap into her outside gilet. This is my kind of person. I've got indoor shoes and outdoor shoes. I know you have.

I've got an outdoor gilet and I get myself an indoor gilet. Please don't. To this day, she doesn't understand why we find it so hilarious. Wow. Your indoor shoes, though, are really starting to fuck me off.

He's got them on now. They're vile, right? Fashion. No, do you know what's really fucking me off? What? You keep accidentally going outside. Yeah. Right, we've we've talked about but you haven't stopped doing this and then watching you dead all white the bottom of your indoor shoes is the most it's just something i never thought i'd never thought i'd have to live in a relationship with someone who dead alls their indoor shoes it's really upsetting what

do you want to do well once they've been outside they're outside shoes it's really upsetting what do you want to do once they've been outside they're outside shoes unless you debt all of them and get all of the outside off them oh my god so unattractive don't say the problem my whole life is not to be attractive

to fucking you right it kind of helps though doesn't it no babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi Chris and Rosie

hope you're well please keep us anonymous where are it we are two ladies who work in a school office it says in brackets I know lots of people hate us but we are the nice ones do people hate people who work in a school office yn anonimus. O'r lle ydw i? Rydym ddwy ddynion sy'n gweithio mewn swyddfa ysgol. Mae'n dweud yn brachetau, rwy'n gwybod bod llawer o bobl yn ei haeddu ond rydyn ni'r union da. Ydyn nhw'n haeddu pobl sy'n gweithio mewn swyddfa ysgol? Ydym yn meddwl y gallai fod pobl yn dod i mewn a chael ychydig o ddiddordeb yn eu cyfeirio

yn hytrach na'u cyfeirio ar y myfyrwyr. Maen nhw'n ymdrin â'r gwasanaethau cwsmer ysgol. Ie, mae hynny'n wir. Rwyf bob amser wedi cymryd rhan gyda phobl sy'n gweithio mewn swyddfa. Wel, rwy'n meddwl bod rhai pobl yn d in the offices. Well, I just think some people are dicks. You know, come in and shout and scream at them. That is true. Don't treat people like that, please. Where you recently heard a disturbing poo story, which we had to share with you as we are both avid listeners.

Now we're talking. Warning, this may make you and the listeners feel sick to the stomach. Not me, not most of the listeners. Have you been paying attention for the last 196 episodes? Our school cook has been losing teeth recently, in brackets, not sure why. Okay, can I retract my last statement? The start of this

has really filled me with dread. Our school cook has been losing... Where are they going? Why are you just losing... All of a sudden, my teeth are coming out. Where are they going? Why have you noticed it? Why is it happening? I'm scared. Yeah. One day, she had swallowed one. It does happen,

you know, if your teeth, if they come out. It can happen to kids as well. When are Robin's teeth going to come in? That's something, that's a completely

different thing. It's really, it's really starting to get me down. Anyway, when she needed to go to the toilet in school, she took a sieve with her

so she could locate the tooth to glue it back in her mouth. Oh, God almighty. We're not sure. So she can get the tooth back. To glue it back in her mouth. Oh, God almighty. To what? So she can get the tooth back. To glue it back in her mouth?

I think so. We're not sure which sieve she used or whether it is still in use in the school kitchen. No. But we have decided to be on the safe side to avoid school dinners from now on. And that's from St. Cuthbert, and I'm joking. Hygiene rating minus four.

That is... I'm taking a moment to kind of process that. So the teeth have fallen out for no reason. And she's swallowing some. So she's going for shits at school with a school sieve. Yeah. School property. I think so.

Like in Breaking Bad when Walter White takes some big ass. Why would she bring her own sieve in when she's surrounded by them? Why would she not do it at home? That's just awful. I know. To try and find it. To glue it back in. What is she a fucking toy? I don't know what's happening. How's that happening? No idea. I love school dinners

so that's really upset me. Did you love school dinners? No. Oh of course you didn't. No I didn't no i didn't if robin asks me one more time if you can go and pack lunch he's going to feel my wrath okay yeah these people who make packed lunches for the kids every day fuck off you're ruining it for the for for us who can't be arsed i'm sorry i hate it ban packed lunches make your kids eat the dinner if they're hungry they'll eat it sorry that's me on my high horse

ridiculous I thought mummy I want packed lunch please yes dear no you're not getting packed lunch do you eat pizza

do you eat pasta do you eat cheese do you eat broccoli do you eat fish you'll have your dinner then or you'll starve do you eat pasta that's been in a sieve

with a dinnerly shit on and possibly a stray tooth course you do get it down you anyway are you on packed lunch yeah oh my god

course you were course you were yeah course you were I've told you before how pathetic my packed lunch was what was me sandwich I knew you'd be on packed lunch

what was me sandwich ask us what me sandwich was cheese ask us what me sandwich was bread and butter bread and butter ask us what else I had not even a little Bread and butter Ask us what else I had Not even a little bit of protein

Ask us what else I had Probably crisps obviously Part of crisps What else? Chocolate Yes Normally a trio What else?

I love trios Fruit No Yogurt Crunch corner A crunch corner Yeah For your lunch

Yeah What else? That was it That was it every day That was it Did you get a juice uh yes ribena my god oh spoiled rotten bread and butter bang check that's it that's stodging your bowels up bread and butter boom eh crisps what's that no nutrients whatsoever eh what's okay because don't worry

you've got a trio to go with that there we go and then what about is that nice healthy yogurt absolutely not that's vanilla and chocolate balls that is and then a ribena and a lovely big sugary ribena wash it all down no wonder how did you get

did you just beg her every single day she just did it she knew I wouldn't eat school dinners but no but you will if you're hungry that's the difference

I was another level of picky when I was a kid good you know what honestly do what I would do don't have any dinner then really and faint every day and I'll come pick you up

until you start eating your fucking dinner so you would rather pick him up every day and I'll come pick you up until you start eating your fucking dinner so you would rather pick him up every day after he's fainted than make a packed lunch I'm not even joking absolutely

you are absolutely mad no I'm sorry there's perfectly good school lunches which are delicious by the way to be fair his school lunches

sound amazing when you drop them off and you can sniff it being cooked it's absolutely lush actually to be fair I need to talk to you because I've had a letter

from the headmaster about you hanging around the vents at the back of the dinner hoying your chops around the vents and sniffing stuff fish and chip Friday

can it leave can it leave you're bagging it up Rosie's been told off by the head by bringing carrier bags and putting them at the vent bagging it up

and then boffing it all day like a glue sniffer mincing dumplings and put them at the vent, bagging it up and then boffing it all day like a glue sniffer. Mints and dumplings. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed, which is part of the Acast Creator Network.

It is part of the Acast Creator Network and thank you so so much for listening as Rosie just said and please don't forget if you have anything to email in it's shagmarriedannoyed

at gmail.com and also don't forget the extra dates for the podcast tour next year Shag Married Annoyed 2 the Shag Married Annoyed Strikes Back

is on sale stop calling it these different names it's just Shag Married Annoyed live it's just us two on the stage talking shit Shag Married Annoyed just Shagmaridanoid live. It's just us two on the stage talking shit.

Shagmaridanoid. Two Shagmaridanoid returns. Shagmaridanoid, the return of the Shagmaridanoid. Great. Shagmaridanoid. What's Cars 2 called? Cars 2. Cars 2.

Shagmaridanoid 2. Let's come up with a quirky title, like underneath. Shagmaridanoid. I've just done loads. I've just gave you loads of possibilities. Yeah. Pick one of them. Shagmarode annoyed.

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