Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 199. Christmas Special: What would Jackie do?

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

It's the last podcast of the year from Chris and Rosie and it's a Christmas bumper edition *sleigh bells included*. The couple discuss recycling, festive chauvinist pigs and Rosie's hat habit. QFTP's are Christmas themed including an extreme PDA, magical reindeer and a living legend. To all the Smas and Das, thank you so much for listening to the podcast and sending in your brilliant stories. Merry Christmas and we'll be back in your ears in 2023! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Hello. You're listening to Shag maridenoid the christmas special with me rosie ramsey and my husband christopher ramsey has got a laptop on her shoulder if you think that our producer puts this in afterwards one of the biggest podcasts in the uk if you think we pay for after production sounds you fucking think again you think again right now she is sitting with a laptop on her shoulder having a lovely little time so there we go come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you outside the snow is pouring and friends are calling you

come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you Outside the snow is pouring and friends are calling you. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas, everyone. Hope you're all well. Hope you're not too stressed. Hope you've got stuff in and all that shite that makes Christmas gash.

But it's fine. It makes Christmas great. What are you doing? No, it doesn't. Everyone buys each other the same old shit every year it's a load of bollocks

it's for the kids why do we bother wow that's just how I feel today but I'd love Christmas I'll take all your Christmas presents back then wow

no don't no don't no no no it's the same old shit just go in your cupboard I'll go wherever you'll have it it's the same old shit take back the present

that you bought that arrived yesterday not in a box yeah and I mean thanks Amazon you fucking bunch of knobs yeah should we let everyone know that you bought us that arrived yesterday, not in a box. Yeah. And I mean... Thanks, Amazon, you fucking bunch of knobs. Yeah. Should we let everyone know what you got us, though?

Well, no, it's not your main present. I'm going to sound like an arsehole here. It's not your main present, but I managed to. You've been banging on about one forever, and I managed to track down a Ninja Air Fryer. Yes. Right? Off one of the sellers on Amazon.

How did you, though? What did you do to get it? Because I couldn't get one for a love of no money. Me and Jeff go way back. Way back. He's not head honcho anymore, but quick phone call. He still knows a few people.

Got one sorted. Does he not own Amazon anymore? He does, but he stepped down. He doesn't run it. Right. You know what I'm saying. But listen, still a good lad. So the delivery lady came walking up the drive

just with a big... And you were standing at the door because I was busy getting in the car and just came up the drive with this massive big box. And I was like, yeah, that's one of your presents, by the way. Merry Christmas. I'm over the moon. I've wanted one for donkeys.

Well, if you don't air fry our Christmas dinner, then it's going straight back to Santa because you're ungrateful. Well, why don't I practice? I'll practice some roasties in the air fryer tonight. Okay. Right? And we'll see.

This isn't a sponsorship, by the way. I genuinely bought one. I'm not trying to get a free fucking... I don't want another one. I'll have another one. Why? For me, ma'am. Like a DJ?

Not for me, ma'am. It's one on each side. A little mix in the middle. Double draws. Well, it's when I went... When I went to my mate Steph's, because I didn't really see the whole appeal with them, because everyone's like, you can do a full chicken,

you roast your salmon, and then all I thought was, it's going to fucking stink, right? The whole house is going to stink, yeah. And I just thought, it sounds ridiculous. But then, I went to my best mate Steph's, right? She cooked some chicken nuggets in nine minutes. Wow. Nine minutes, flat.

Didn't have to heat it up. Wow. And I tried one. The crispiest motherfucker. Oh, my God. The gift of time that it gives you. It is. Wow Nine minutes flat Didn't have to heat it up Wow And I tried one Crispy as a motherfucker Oh my god The gift of time That it gives you It's the new George Foreman grill

Everyone's losing their minds It is isn't it Yeah It's the new George Foreman They've not Where have they gone Everyone who did bacon On a George Foreman grill

You're an arsehole It tasted like shit Did it Oh I hated bacon On a George Foreman grill Burgers Sausages Incredible

Courgettes were nice. Really? Courgettes, I mean, very upsetting the amount of fat that used to come out of the sausages though and then it would go in the tray

and because I'm a scruff I would leave it for ages so it would like solidify. Yeah, yank your candle. God. Yank your candle of sadness. I know, and you'd be like if I hadn't cooked that in there

I'd have been eating that. I could have been in my veins, man. What a fucking waste. What a waste. Get it in and put it in my eyes. That happened after our curry last week you know what because I was rinsing out

all the trays because you are Mr Recycling yeah I am Mr Recycling God forbid you accidentally put one in the bin no it's not happening alright man

we know we know we know we know you get your knob on for recycling we all know this but I was rinsing one out and then the next morning

I went downstairs there was just oil in the little mini sink yeah yeah I was rinsing one out and then the next morning I went downstairs and there was just oil in the little mini sink I was like shit oh yeah yeah yeah still delicious though still bloody delicious bloody delicious

so guys it's episode 199 oh wow how exciting is that that's canny and it's the last episode of 2022 and it's the Christmas special

and we hope you're all alright and genuinely we've just done a little video on Rosie's Instagram there but thank you so much for listening this year thank you so so much we really appreciate that you listen we really appreciate that you get in touch with us and send us stuff and on twitter and instagram and comment on things and that you're just involved in our little world like genuinely from the bottom of our hearts thank you so so much i can't believe people still listen yeah it's mad yeah i've lost respect for all of them

um oh god anyone comes up to me and says love the podcast I go are you are you on crap get away step back step back

two metres four metres eight metres something wrong with her something wrong with her we can't even that's our problem we can't even do

a from the bottom of our hearts thank you without turning into fucking slag and either each other off or the listeners off genuinely thank you so much and we'll be back in your ears

next year obviously so is there nothing for two weeks we've got two weeks off is there not even any out of office replies no it's off we're going to lose

all the listeners we're going to lose them all I think we've got two weeks off over the Christmas so sorry guys you're going to have to look elsewhere hang on

I wish there was somewhere else for you to look I wish there was other people doing man and woman talk and podcasts like us but no one seems to have copied it so there's nothing for you what are you going to have to look elsewhere. Hang on. I wish there was somewhere else for us to look. I wish there was other people doing man and woman talk and podcasts like us, but no one seems to have copied it, so there's nothing for you. What were you going to say, Rose? What's that? You being sarcastic.

What were you going to say? I was going to say, so hang on, we haven't got the podcast for two weeks. We haven't got any, we're not, we've not got the TV show yet or the tour. Are we going to have to look after our kids for two weeks solid? Are we going to speak, do you think? Over Christmas? Are we going to speak? Are after our kids for two weeks solid are we going to speak do you think over Christmas are we going to speak

or are we just going to shout at each other we'll just shout at each other but don't know why I'm mentioning this but guess who's sex life's getting better

whose ours why are you telling people this because I feel like I'm out of the danger zone right not danger zone

I feel like I'm out of the horrendous hate my life zone. Okay. Racing early too. Right, okay. I told you it took two years. I remember. Yeah, yeah.

Shit for two years. Yeah. And now it's getting better. Okay. Because I don't hate myself as much anymore. Yeah. And I don't. I'm not as exhausted.

Okay. Wow. The exhaustion. There you go. No. Seriously, the I'm too tired to have sex thing you can knock that on the head all all the ladies out there not that i had you now only take 20 seconds so i don't know what you're talking about yeah 20 seconds that's that's if i'm pissed we're talking five seconds if i'm

sober you've got time for that i know yeah piss sex with with blokes who just want to keep going and you're like seriously i just want to die now I believe I believe your exact quote the time we talked about this was pass me the caniston oh yeah yeah yeah I do believe we got it on a t-shirt I think we do so there we go

red roll no need no one's enjoying this do you not find you're just trying to prove a point isn't it there's two things there's two things

that you do when you're pissed and if you can't really remember them the next day you're devastated and you want another one one is if you go for a curry pissed and one is if you have sex pissed if you have sex pissed and you only remember bits

of it you're like oh that's annoying i've kind of wasted that and if you wake up and you've had a curry the night before the amount of times i've got a curry again on the sunday night after the saturday not being able to remember it because you because you feel like you missed out on it pissed sitting on the last chat and you go oh yeah it's good and you chat you only remember bits of the curry and you think i didn't really get to properly enjoy that curry, I'm going to get another one on Sunday. Yeah. Hence.

But whenever we do the sex though, hungover sex is fucking awful. He has me curry breath. We were pissed at the weekend, weren't we? Something I'd never had, Pringle sandwich. We had a Pringle sandwich.

Where they been all my life? Yeah, that was Phil felt like. Holy shit. It was lovely. I love a crisp sandwich. I've just finished the rest of them Pringles sandwich where have they been all my life yeah that was that was Phil felt like holy shit it was I love a crisp sandwich I've just finished the rest of them Pringles because we were so pissed

on Saturday night I dropped that tube of Pringles three or four times I've just finished them it was like fucking dust it was like eating dust I just drank them out of the can

it was pathetic right and you Mrs Pissed tell everyone where you put the butter instead of the fridge in the top cupboard top cupboard next to the fridge. In the top cupboard. Top cupboard next to the fridge.

Above the oven. Above the oven. We were looking for the butter for a good 10 minutes. In my defense, it was in the cupboard next door to the fridge. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Great.

Hey, hey. Tell you what. Listen. Don't give us a drink. Will you not? Fucking clips. Absolute clips. Listen.

We hope that you're going to have a lovely Christmas and become a clip or maybe not become a clip. Do whatever you want. Just be merry and enjoy yourself. But listen, it is time for this week's, and I'm not even going to say the word lucrative here because I personally, no, I'm not going to put it in that sentence

because I personally took no money at all for this week's sponsor. This is free because I believe in the cause so much. Right, okay. We can take the energy down here much right okay we can take the energy down here a bit we can take the energy down okay like it's an advert like it's an appeal advert all right i'm gonna put my children in your head be serious okay yeah okay can you do some little harmonizing maybe the background you want me to do so like um tune it down turn it down that's

walking in the air that's just a just like a whole music just doesn't matter you're putting us off no stop no you can't do it back off from the hold music. Doesn't matter, you're putting us off. No, I want to do it. Stop. No, you can't do it. Back off from the mic. No, I'm into it now. Are you ruining it? Are you ruining it?

No, just let us do one. No, please. Let us stop laughing and let us do one. Okay, right, come on. Right, hang on. I'm doing the build up. Oh, that's like a... She had marks all over her body.

Stop, you're ruining... This is serious. Stop. Right're ruining, this is serious. Stop. Right, sorry. This is serious, right? This Christmas, while you're having fun and enjoying yourself, please, stop it, please take a moment to think and a moment to spare thought for those people out there doing God's work,

toiling away while you eat and drink and be merry. The saints, the angels of our time. I am, of course, talking about the people in your house who are in charge of the recycling. Oh, for God's sake. Yeah? Just think of them, yeah? Rinse that pot. Rinse. Wash that tin. Please. Please.

Don't leave it on the bench. Don't pile the boxes in the corner, hoping that the little recycling fairies will sort it out, because they won't. Put it in the recycling bin. And when the boxes in the corner, hoping that the little recycling fairies will sort it out, because they won't. Put it in the recycling bin. And when I say the recycling bin, I mean the right bin. Put it in the correct bin. Oh, my God.

At the time, most of the year, the people you live with who can't do it, they're annoying enough as it is, right? This time of year, you've got guests coming around. Guests adding to the carnage in that recycling bin. Carnage. Like, no one knows the rules. Do you know what I want to do? I want to go round to people's houses who put the wrong thing in the wrong bin. I want to go round to their house later in the Christmas holidays, once

they've done it, once they've proved themselves, right? Once they've wronged us. I want to go round the house and I want to take a big manky stinking shit in the middle of the living room floor. And then when they look at us, I want to go Oh, sorry, does this not go here? Does this not go on this one? Where does this go've got what does this go you've got problems you bastards seriously sick of it honestly everyone you over the air one day it's gonna be in the news it's gonna be like christopher ramsey loses his shit like it's gonna go all the way to america they're

gonna report in america as well yeah oh yeah yeah that's how big it's gonna be you're gonna burn down the house or something hopefully you let us out first you get so ridiculous about the address as well like the address on on stuff put the address off get it

take the sellotape off the cardboard for the cardboard or pack it down squash a milk bottle honestly this house all I do we're good

we are good we're good because of me because of me it's not our problem chris it is my problem won't tell the big companies i'm gonna i will they want a thing as well and you know i almost i almost stopped recycling when i realized that at the qatar world cup they fucking air conditioned the stadium exactly that's another chat exactly i'm doing a bit i'm doing a bit we all do a bit but sometimes you learn your bit sometimes we... We're going to have a seminar. Sometimes my mango chutney pot goes in the bin.

You know, no, no, no. And I get it out and I rinse it. Do I eat some of that mango chutney? Maybe, maybe, maybe not. The jury's out. Listen, we are going to have a seminar. We're going to have a seminar. Did you just whisper mango chutney into the microphone?

I love mango chutney. Right, yeah. I do really like mango chutney. Never is nice from a jaw. We're going to have a seminar. What's a seminar? A seminar is going to be... I'm going to get some little. Never is nice from a jaw. We're going to have a seminar. What's a seminar? A seminar is going to be, I'm going to get some little bits of paper,

a little quiz. You, not Robin, he's a bit young yet. You, your mum, your nana. Don't bring me mum. My mum, your aunt, your people who are here a lot, your sister,

people who come and go as the please, right? I'm going to ask them all about the cycling. We're going to have a quiz. See how sexist that is. All women. You didn't name one bloke then. Fucking prick. No didn't name one man this has got not i'm not just gonna throw men in oh sorry telling me bill ramsey recycles i fucking doubt it doesn't lift a finger when he's in my house exactly but my mom will try and help and get it wrong you just get it wrong

and the rest i'm talking about the women who come around and try but do it wrong do you know what i'd rather you didn't i'd rather you left it you are a chauvinist pig and try, but do it wrong. Do you know what? I'd rather you didn't. I'd rather you left it. You are a chauvinist pig, and I can't believe... It's not sexy. I can't believe that I'm married to you. I feel disgusted in myself. Speaking of chauvinist pigs,

I'm going to talk about something after the jingle. Oh, God. Ooh, is there a jingle? Can I just say, it's not sexist if all of the people in the list just happen to... No, I'm not going to call it back now. Gender had nothing to do with it.

The qualifying factor was being shit at recycling. That was you, love. Hang on, just to play you out of the jingle. Oh, we've got to... Merry Christmas. Feels a bit weird. Loads of whinging and arguing and then... Merry Christmas.

Hope you're recycling or Chris will come and get you. I'll get you. I'm like the recycling Grinch. I love you so. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba jingle. Jingle!

Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed, which is Christmas. It is. All about Christmas. But I was busy talking about chauvinist pigs. Great. So I just wanted to let you all know that I did a little bit of Christmas shopping. Sorry, tiny little bit of it. I don't want to be a chauvinist pig in a row, but as it's the Christmas special and we're talking about chauvinist pigs, can we call them chauvinist pig in a row but as it's the christmas special and we're talking about chauvinist pigs can we call them chauvinist pigs and blankets yes

yes yes we can so um speaking of chauvinist pigs and blankets felice and abby dad i went shopping the other day the amount of chauvinist pigs in blankets who were there with their wives or partners was ridiculous. And I just thought to myself, why did they put up with it? Not the chauvinist pigs in blankets, the women.

What happened? What was going on? Just the amount of blokes driving, right? Because clearly, all over the years, they've always drove. And then, sadly, what happens, which will probably happen to us as you get to a certain age and you go, I don't really feel confident driving on the roads anymore because me husband's always had to fucking drive everywhere,

which will never happen to me, by the way. Look at this. Never happened to me. Why am I getting blamed? So what happens is all the chauvinist pigs in blankets end up driving their other halves to the shops looking like they want to die

shouting at me in the car because they're in the wrong fucking lane shouting at me and then I drive past smiling and laughing because I think you fucking horrible chauvinist pig in blanket and your poor wife sat next to you

who if I was her, would have said, get out of the car, you prick, and I'll drive. This got really a lot more heated than I meant it to. But I just don't get it. I don't get it. Wow. Why did they go with them? I know what you mean.

I do know what you mean. If you were that fucking miserable. You know what it is? It might be more of a northern thing. It might be more of a northern thing. A man and a woman going, and the woman just sort of sits there and the guy just drives

and then calls the shots and the walk right. Yeah, I don't know how it might be. It's just, it's definitely. And then they sit outside in the car. It's definitely dying out. It's definitely dying out. I hope so.

I really don't get it. If you were that miserable and if you were that arrogant and you just, I don't know, and you sat outside going, I'm outside. How long you gonna be? I'd be like, oh yeah, sling your hook, go home.

I'd rather walk. I would rather walk with six shopping bags full of stuff, right? Three miles than get back into a car with one of those men. About four miles. Easy. Uphill? Nah. Nah?

Maybe I would get in and be really quiet and not say anything morals and principles were shattered there by adding a mile and a hill yeah this might not even stay in the podcast

no well listen I get what you mean I know what you mean I just there were so many instances of it the other day well you've got it

that's the thing everyone whinges about you can't say anything in snowflakes and stuff at the minute but you know what it is actually the new generation the kids seem to be

a lot nicer kids you know on a whole seem to be a lot nicer and the next generation is going on everything is more quality everything is getting better

slowly but surely hopefully getting better and the amount of times I see more now women driving men sorry women driving big pussies who can't drive themselves

I see more of that now letting your wife drive are you dicking what's the matter she's got the trousers on I see more of that now letting your wife drive are you dicking what's the matter she got the trousers on i see more of that now which is a good thing it is a great thing right stop it because you're adding to that i'm joking i know i know you're parodying what you did and making light completely of everything you said I just think it's such a shame

which is a male chauvinist pigs in blanket way of doing it and can I also every single time you said male chauvinist pigs in blanket you said pig in blanket so we want to we're sticking to the

the agenda of the joke the agenda of the very well done thank you thank you so there you go yeah that'll probably not stay you calm down now

what's the matter you're on your period or something wow so my brother did not have that size left and that frock you were trying to buy on the You calm down now. It's my only period or something. Wow. It's a matter that I do not have that size left and that frock you were trying to buy on the clothes shop website. Wow. It's a matter your flowers died.

Let's stop. Let's stop. It's a matter that the oven broke. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I spoke to Carl Hutchinson the other day, a friend of the podcast. Oh, his tour's on sale now, by the way, for next year,

if anyone would like to get tickets for it. He's selling very fast. But I spoke toinson the other day, a friend of the podcast. Oh, his tour is on sale now, by the way, for next year, if anyone would like to get tickets for it. He's selling very fast. But I spoke to him the other day, and so we're discussing, we've discussed it before on the podcast, but you know when they shut one lane, and the boat, they go merge. There's two lanes on the road.

And nobody merges, and then you do, and everyone hates you, and you're like, this is the point of the thing. Again, the point I've always said is, if they wanted you to stop using that lane, where you've all stopped using that lane

and leaving it empty, they'd have brought the sign up to there. The fact that the sign to merge is right down at the bottom means use it until there because you're going to back up all the way onto a roundabout and you're going to cause more fucking bother than this.

Anyway, as you go down, everyone always is like, but I'm in the queue. And Carl phoned us the other day and said his new tactic when he goes down and people are like, because you get down and then the certain person won't let you in.

Yeah. And they're like edged right next to the car. So people look at him and get angry and he looks at them and he does like child baby crying face. So imagine you're on the, imagine, you know, imagine you're younger and you're on the bus and you're on your mates. Oh, I can see him doing it. And you're like, bald fists, corners of your eyes, rotate.

Does he actually do that? Yeah, he turns and just goes just crying face honestly someone's going to murder him someone is going to murder that man yeah

I can see him doing that I can actually see him doing that he is a maniac wow maniac so we haven't asked you to do this for some time

but it would be very very nice if you could mobilise our troops our smart troops if you could all mobilise our smart troops if you could all mobilize and please vote for us in the national comedy awards we've been long listed which is very exciting thank you again for that award that we won that you won us last year the

best podcast that's yours as much as it ours but don't come around try and touch it i will phone the police um we've been long listed for best comedy podcast best podcast or whatever it's called it's a comedy comedy podcast of course comedy podcast fucking hell we'll be nominated for podcast and we'll be nominated for the tv show and if you could just google national comedy awards or we have put it on instagrams as well but just google national comedy awards go on it takes two seconds put your email in the do not spam yet i promise i've had no emails from them and i fucking voted on loads of our emails last year no i haven't actually and i did i'm'm joking. But basically, just go on there, and if you could vote for the podcast and vote for the TV show,

it would be really appreciated, and we thank you so much for the support, and we know you will, and thank you again. So there you go. Ant & Dec win the NTAs every year. Yeah, should we be the Ant & Dec, the National Comedy Awards Ant & Dec? That would be good.

That would be pretty unreal, wouldn't it? I don't know if we will be, but that would be nice. I would love to redo the speech. Yeah, why? Because what did I say? I said't think it will be, but that'd be nice. I would love to redo the speech. Yeah, why? Because what did I say? Something like, I love you? Like, it was ridiculous? Yeah, you said a joke.

You said a joke that... It was a joke that started really sincere, then went into a diss. And they went, oh, over the first bit. So much that they missed the diss at the end. Didn't land very well. Just didn't know why I tried it. We were the only fucking ones that kept our time, the way everyone else walking up there oh war and peace

i went up the first thing i said was i went oh sorry tom said be quick so we'll be quick and we were quick and we're the only ones who thankfully the people who were nominated hey i tell you what we're bloody too good for this world you know that we are bloody saints tell you what all these other people you know you know what i'm gonna do'm going to walk up I'm going to walk up and I'm going to slap whoever's hosting it who's it Tom Tom you're getting slapped

I'm going to Will Smith the fuck out of you you can't slap Tom Allen I would never slap Tom Allen I don't think it was possible I think my hand would just bounce off you bought it here I follow him on Instagram

he bought a top hat the other day didn't you see I'm surprised he didn't already own a top hat he went and got it measured but he's voice over and then they streamed the top hat it's so good yeah it measured but he's voiceover. And then they streamed the top hat.

So good. Yeah, so we're looking forward to that. So yeah, if you go on there and vote for us it would be massively appreciated. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Quick question. Yeah. We've probably said this before because it's something that always I always think about every time I do it. Whose name should go first

on a card? What? If it's from us? Mm-hmm. Because I'll always put mine. I'll put yours as well. Do you? Yeah, because I go on the mum and dad rule.

Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, because we're mum and dad. Right. So it's, you know, Robin's mum and dad, Grave's mum and dad, Rosie Chris,

Rosie Chris. Oh, get in. Oh, well, that makes me feel better. There you go. The only time I ever don't is when I'm writing it to your mum and dad. Because Chris. Rosie Chris. Oh, get in. Oh, well, that makes me feel better. There you go. The only time I ever don't is when I'm writing it to your mum and dad. This is the worst quiz. This is the worst quiz I've ever done.

I think your mum and dad probably don't want my name first. Do you know what I mean? I don't think they give a fuck. They probably don't, but in my head, I'd be like, you're not my kid.

Wow. So when our kids get married, our partners, if the partner's name's first on the card you're gonna be raging like not raging but I'd probably go you know you're and I didn't have you love to have that kind of time on me hands to worry about that kind of stuff I mean you're only being a fleeting thought and then I'd be done a fleeting thought that you've thought about probably 15 years in advance yes at least At least. Christmas cards. Pointless. Waste of time. Stop doing them. Well, the one from

King Charles. Yeah. It's not arrived. Oh. I'm fully blown off the list. Oh, it's going to an old house.

Got no idea. Oh, of course. Yeah. Because he did Prince's Trust. Yeah. It would have been King Charles this year.

It would have been a card from King Charles. It would have been King Charles. Oh. I fucked it, Chris. That's annoying. I absolutely fucked it. I'll give Geoff a ring. He might know him. Geoff might know him. Why do you keep saying that you know Geoff Bezos? It's so weird. I feel like I'm manifesting it. Is that the word? Manifesting

it? I feel like if I talk about it enough, I reckon he's just going to knock on the door one day and just go, the universe said you wanted to be my mate. The universe is powerful, but I don't think it's that powerful. But you never know. Listen, stranger things have happened. Yeah. Force a use of them.

Eh? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I've seen a kid the other day with a stranger things top on and there were about five and I just thought,

you haven't seen it. Why are you wearing that top? I know what you mean. So I was thinking, so Robin asked about Pennywise and I was like, oh my seen it why are you wearing that top i know what you mean so i was thinking the idea so robin asked about um pennywise and i was like oh my god how do you know about that but when i was his age i knew about freddy krueger it's the same kind of crack right i get you so they just kind of know what it is but they don't have never watched it most of them haven't seen it well robin sings the song doesn't he well there's the odd fucking lunatic out there who will let a five-year-old watch squid game i mean he doesn't get it and he goes

people are getting their heads blown off. Please, please don't let your child watch that. Well, and if they are going to watch it, please don't let them then hang around with my child. But yeah,

it's just popular culture stuff, isn't it? Okay, that's fine. Tell you one thing. So obviously the World Cup's over. One thing that Robin

was obsessed about and still is obsessed about from the World Cup, a couple of times the camera zoomed in on, you know, so say someone misses a shot, right? And then the runaway

back up the pitch as the keeper's going to kick the ball. I know about football, I'm a football guy. So hang on, so the keeper's got the ball. The shot. They've tried to take a shot. They've tried an attempt on goal, it's gone out, it's a goal kick. So all the players move back to the pitch because the goalkeeper's about to do a goal kick. And they do the

massive ones. The massive ones. I reckon if they put 100% in, they could kick it out of the fucking stadium. So incredible. Incredible. Pickford, after fucking hell. I know. Bloody hell.

And he's from Sunderland. Yeah. He said that every time he came on the screen. Yeah, it was really annoying. Anyway, listen. As the players run away, picture it in your mind's eye, the moment they go in on a hurricane eye the moment you know they're going

on a hurricane or whatever and sometimes they'll do a spit right they'll spit oh yeah other times they'll do that amazing thing where they cover one nostril and awful you must get taught at the academy have you ever tried it do you know what i'm not gonna lie once when i was running outside a long long time ago i did do it because i because I just had to and I didn't have any tissue and you know when your nose is running and it was nice, but it went, snot went everywhere.

Yeah, it must be something. They're either taught it, as soon as they get scouted, right? I reckon they're taught it before they're taught any kind of football. Do you think? I reckon it's like, look, I think you're going to be a professional player.

This is how you fucking hoof one right out of your nostril and get no debris on yourself. I've tried it a couple of times. It goes all over my chin, chest, feet. It's horrendous, right? It must be something to do with their lung power of being top flight athletes.

He's obsessed with it. What do you mean? He always just says, Daddy, I'm going to do what the footballers do. And he covers one nose. I've not seen this yet. Well, he's not tried it with you, but he does not, he's never done it,

but he keeps winding us up that he's going to do it. Right, okay. He tried it with you, but he does not, he's never done it, but he keeps winding us up that he's going to do it. Right, okay. He thinks it's fucking great. Let him do it. No. Soon he'll snot all over himself. Well, you know,

he cleans that up. That's not funny. He'll snot all over himself and then he'll go lie on our stuff. That's true. Snail trails all over the place. Oh, God. But yeah,

I mean, football is out there. Honestly, it's one of the most impressive things they do. Fair enough. Ball control, shots on target,

you know, vision for the game. It is a thing that happens, isn't it? You do get very mucusy when you're running and when you're doing all that kind of exercise. Shouting and that, yeah. Yeah. I love guessing what they're shouting.

That's a nice thing to do, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. It's a very good game. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Hello.

Hello, Chris. Oh, shit, hello. Just wanted to say Merry Christmas. Hiya. Thank you. Merry Christmas to you too. Another one round the block still here. Another one bites the dust.

Another year. Another year. Every year for 10 years they've said you won't be here next year, but then I see you can fog off, I will. Well, yeah. Every year for 10 years, they've said you won't be here next year, but then I say you can fuck off, I will. Well, congratulations. Thank you very much. Very well done. Got yourself something nice, have you?

Got myself something nice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Not buy yourself any presents, Chris? No, you're buying for other people. Oh, that's a bit sad, isn't it? Sad that you have to buy them for yourself. Well, every year I buy myself a little present

Alright then Yeah yeah yeah What did you get yourself this year? 100 fags Was that last year half an hour? Yeah period niggas Because I still have them Do you?

Aye How old are you exactly Belinda? Can't remember I can only assume that was a quick worry in case there was any contradictory facts dropped in there still need them though

it's not always red it's just a bit brown but there's definitely something still going are you not just shitting yourself the cogs are still turning the womb is still awake you're not just shitting yourself no it's coming down

out the vagina you might be running down the front oh hey disgusting disgusting little lad you are right now

merry christmas bye i couldn't be arsed I wasn't in it I wasn't fully in it I don't think I'll ever get sick of the dead phone line

that literally doesn't it doesn't happen anymore I've never I haven't heard a dead phone line for years I know I've got to say I'm loving

you know the crown we're watching the crown at the minute I just love watching people on phones again like house phones. It's really nice. Do you know what I mean, though?

What a strange thing to say. It's getting nostalgic. Right, yeah. A big part of our lives, the house phone. Yeah. Yeah, it was. Rubbish, though. Boring.

Crap. Are you kidding me? You couldn't go on the internet at the same time because it was... Didn't have that problem, didn't have the internet. Yeah, well, sometimes, you know, someone else would want to be on the phone. It's a freaking nightmare. Yeah, when your sister would... Get off the phone!

Yeah, well, it wouldn't be dad or me mum because I didn't have any siblings. No. But, yeah, no, it was rubbish. Like, again, people pine after stuff that was shite. Shitter than what we've got now. They go, oh, I miss our house. Why?

Why? Memories, Chris. Although, then again, I do miss not being 100% contactable all the time. Exactly. That's fucking irritating. Exactly. Can you imagine parenting and being an adult in a world

where our parents were adults and people weren't fucking texting you and ringing you and emailing you and WhatsApp grouping you about utter shite constantly? Can you imagine how lush that would be? People must have had so much to talk about in the pub. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Yeah.

How much? Like, I sit down at the pub and I just think, well, fucking, we've all chatted on a fucking group. Yes. We've all been on each other's Instagrams. Yeah. We're now exactly, well, you've been up there. Well, now you've been up there

because I comment on all your photos. Yeah, you're totally right. It must have been. It's horrible, man. Fucking me. I wonder that that generation, I was in the pub. It was fucking mint because it was your social media your msn chat room your fucking myspace your facebook your twitter your instagram all rolled into one i totally agree

oh i think i've stumbled on something there i totally agree with you i just think everyone is too contactable piece of shit podcast no no it's too kind of and whatsapp groups and it's just utter bullshit and just shite where you go. Can I just meet up with you and you tell us this in person? I'm not actually in any WhatsApp groups. I mean, a couple of nights I sorted out.

But I get reported to by people from other WhatsApp groups, which is really nice. What do you mean? So there's a one for the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu that I'm starting again in the new year. You've been jiu-jitsu that i'm starting again in the new year you've been threatening this for a while i am starting again the new year we started all up again because i went in there i did it a bit and i was like it was hard it's hard to sort of pick

up but i didn't have the time but i'm going in there like the prop i like sort of beginner class with everyone again which is good even though i already know a few things so watch out everyone um but he didn't but alex from the gym doesn't add us he doesn't add us to the group because he's like i know you're just gonna fucking you don't you don't like them do you so why did he need a group for that no disrespect right okay yeah i'm getting to know each other at the thing when are you busy fucking strangling and pulling and doing man man stuff i just and and the lads are busy organizing night out we're doing that thing where we're having it in January because December's a fucking nightmare.

And I'm not in that group either. I've just got one lad from the group who goes, right, it's the 21st, are you okay with that? I go, yeah, he goes, right, there we go. And that's all I need to know. You've done well there. Yeah, I'm good. I've done well.

I've almost, yeah, I've got little soldiers in me own little groups for us that I don't have to. Thanks, lads. You know who you are. Thank you very much. Yeah. Thank you for your service. We've got to do our beefs yeah

what's your beef what's your beef my beef with you is currently your farts are absolutely putrid

and I know it's the protein it's the protein bars Chris they've gone turbo they are disgusting okay

wow shocking wow on the flight remember we flew to london last week we took air robin for a little weekend in london it was lovely so i thought it was the bloke next was right and i turned to you and i was like oh my god yeah they're like put me jumper over my nose and you smiled and i was like it's you first of all you should know my brand very, it's you? First of all, you should know my brand. Very offensive. No, it's changed. Very offensive. It's changed because of the protein.

That was the flight back. You'd had two nights in the hotel with my farts, right? You're the horrible? Yeah. Even Robin? So you should have recognised it on that plane. No. Are you cheating?

Are you cheating on me with someone else? Oh, God. Because you don't know my farts. Oh, my God. Imagine if that's how you found out someone was cheating on you. I found out she was cheating because she didn't recognise me farts anymore. Oprah. Awful.

It's really bad, though. Is that what it is? It's got to be something. I don't know what it was. That's the only thing that's changed in your diet. I think we've chilled out since then. No, Chris, it's so bad. Pressure?

It's so bad. Turbulence. Clean food? Stop. Okay. My beef with you, speaking of planes, we were in the airport the other day. You've done this multiple times now.

I'm starting to get sick of it. It's almost the new lamps and sofas. We were in the airport and you came up to us. You'd just been to the shop and you came up to us with a furry white bucket hat. And you went, I've just bought this. Isn't it lush? And you went, I've just bought this,

isn't it lush? And I went, and the little bit of hesitation, you were like, oh, oh, oh, look at you, oh, you're not adventurous. Look at you,

you're pathetic, you're boring, you're not adventurous, you're horrible to me. You're gaslighting us, you're this, you're that. All the ones that you normally trope out. And I just said,

I said, look, you'll not wear it you've done it again you've bought another hat right you remember you bought what you always buy them on holiday you wear them now and then you stop but holidays fair enough it's like a different world you bought that green one that looked like indiana jones's dad's hat never wore that and then this one this new one that you've bought it looks like it's straight out of the East 17 stay another day video yeah yeah with a white

puffer jacket and that on yeah like Kevin and Perry Christmas special and you say and we had an argument in the airport

because you're like you're such a prick you're such a peric to me stuffed your little hat in your bag you're such a peric I went right okay well look if you're

going to wear it I'm sure it'll be nice next day we're in the hotel freezing cold outside I went you went and put my hat on I'm sure it'll be nice. Next day, we're in the hotel, freezing cold outside. I went, you went and put my hat on? I went, you put your new bucket hat on? You went, no. I went, why?

You went, it doesn't suit us. I went, you shouldn't have bought it, should you? You're so horrible, though. No, I never go, there it is. There it is. I'm a fucking realist, man. No, honestly, the fact that you were just gone to all weekend, you were like,

you're putting your new hat on? I was like, you shut up. It's because. I'll wear this hat when I'm ready to wear it. Which will probably be never. Yes, stop buying them.

No fancy dress. Yeah, that's all. It's just a bit. I don't know what goes through your head. I really love hats, right? And I get, when I see someone wearing a hat, I just think, you look mint look mint yeah i can't wear them without feeling stupid and i blame no i blame where we're

from all right okay what you need to do is listen you need to go up next time you see someone wearing a hat go up and say can i ask you two questions please one where's your hat from i really like it they'll tell you and you see a second question can i just measure your head because i have got a tiny little pea head and I look ridiculous with a hat on so if your head is anywhere near bigger than mine

which it probably is I'm going to retract my statement about your hat and I'm going to leave right yeah I have got a little head yeah

I know what you mean about where we live though we're not an we're not an adventurously fashionable area are we no I don't you know I love where we're from I breathe it but we're not an adventurously fashionable area are we no I don't you know I love where we're from

I believe oh 100% but we're realists I think in the area I think it's like if you walk down in your fairy bucket hat I think you'd be like

oh fucking hell I just think I feel like if somebody walked in the local pub with a good trilby hat on yeah

I don't know nobody would say anything actually we're getting a lot better but I think people would look and people would go hey look at her yeah I feel like on the Monday at work it would be water cooler chat it'd be like what did you watch Nobody would say anything, actually. We're getting a lot better, but I think people would look and people would go,

eh, look at her. Yeah, yeah. I feel like on the Monday at work, it would be water cooler chat. It'd be like, what did you watch on the telly? By the way, someone came in the pub with a trilby on. Eh, they didn't. They did.

But yeah. So when I was doing Strictly, they said I need to sort my posture out because I slouch. If you look at Anton Dubek, the way he walks, his fucking posture is magnificent. All the dancers in there are magnificent. But I think I was right, and I pointed out the fact

they said you need to walk with your shoulder sort of down and back and chest out, and your head up straight. And I was like, I'm from a place where walking like that gets your head kicked in. Yeah.

Like, I'm from a place where walking like that gets someone down the street to go, fuck do you think you are? Like, I've got to slouch. We all slouch. It's a Northern working class thing. We all slouch slouch right no one's trying to show off we're all terrified of hard people yeah no one's trying to we're all terrified about bigger boys right bigger boys are gonna get you if you wear a daft hat or you walk up straight right so there you go bigger

girls they'll all get you don't tell the bigger boys i said this right because i don't want the boys to know you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way at this, right? Because I don't want the bigger boys to know. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra

music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. My attention will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The First Omen.

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Christmas edition. Christmas eggs. Yeah. Yay. Loads. I've got loads of Christmas eggs. Oh, fantastic. Christmas Icks. Yeah. Yay. Loads. I've got loads of Christmas Icks. Oh, fantastic. Right, ready?

Yeah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I love Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade, but it gives me the ick when people do the It's Christmas! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when they do that under your breath shouting. Even worse when they do it really dramatically.

I mean, I'm one of those people so that's fine uh i went to a christmas carol concert uh children's school christmas carol concert the other day and they sung it and i i genuinely was the closest i've ever been to shouting it in my life no no one shouted it oh no one said it feel attention so it was the first time and i was like should that have been shouted then and i was standing next to my mate and i was like should that have been then or now and he was like do you think someone will do it i was like shall i do it he was like yeah you probably should and i was like and then i bottled it was this robin's christmas concert yeah as i was at my kids christmas concert yeah in a church of all places and i wanted to be

like yeah i'm glad i didn't because now i'd have icked everyone out. You totally should have done it. Oh, I'm good. Hi, Chris and Rosie. The hot dad at school drop-offs has reindeer antlers on his car. Oh, that's a good one. Reindeer antlers on his car. I don't...

People dressing their car up in any way, I don't understand. I've never... I don't understand the England flags out the back windows. Surely that's just consuming more fuel. I don't understand the red noses on the front of the car and i don't understand antlers i mean i understand red noses for charity i give to the charity of course when i was younger i used to do that but i think once you hit 30 it's a bit wrong isn't it i don't get

it and eyelashes on the car get that straight in the bin as well eyelashes on the lights of your car stop it hi rosie and chris please me anonymous, although I reckon he might guess it's me. My ick is watching my husband untangling the Christmas tree lights, draping them round his neck. I've never been drier. What? He's just...

He just... He can't win, man. He's just... He can't win. I tell you what, he's just doing a service to put them up. I mean,

it's a job that needs doing. Got another one here. Hello, love you both. Can't wait to see you in Glasgow. Yes. See you in Glasgow. Glasgow was awesome. New ick unlocked.

Just being at the pantomime with my boyfriend. We had called him that because we've got a child. However, ick is him shouting back in the pantomime, e.g. he's behind you. Oh, no, he's not. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were just going to say that I knew you were just going to say that

also having fun getting involved honestly honestly I've got more hello both hope you're well I recently went to church

to see a choir and sing some Christmassy carols we're not religious went with my boyfriend's nan and parents who are but whenever the choir

finished singing and everyone clapped my boyfriend two rows in front of me, clapped with one palm of his hand and the top of the pamphlet of songs he was holding

with his other hand. Can't describe why, just made me feel sick. Oh, God. Hello, Rosie and Chris. We live in a small village and the community children's Christmas party

is next week. None of the usual Santas are available, so my husband has offered to be the Santa suppose it's helped me get festive as the new Virgin Mary oh I love it hello Chrisris and rosie i have some christmas themed icks for you both but i that i hope you will understand these aren't ones that you would get from a partner but things that gross me out in general day-to-day life around the christmas period first of all what's with fully grown adults who insist on wearing christmas themed items of clothing i saw a woman the other day in her late 30s early 40s wearing a dress covered in gingerbread men candy canes and christmas trees this was in the doctors not at a party or anything

also again fully grown adults who buy matching glittery t-shirts with the phrase first christmas is mummy first christmas is daddy and my first christmas for the baby and then post them all over social media where's your dignity all right all right i hope you will agree with me and i'm not just being a snobby bitch ps my best friend just bought the matching t-shirts praying she doesn't listen to this wow okay i don't know i don't in the doctor's is funny. I'm sorry. I've seen that. I've seen that. But then again, she might have been a school teacher

or she might have been, you know, She might have been coming back from work where it was Christmas, jump at it. So, yeah. But then again, there's some people who do

just wear Christmas themed clothes literally from the 1st of December. This is from somebody else. I've always thought I never really had any ex of my own until i was in my local morrisons and saw a man who i'd placed in his mid-40s pushing his trolley around wearing a christmas jumper it made me want to vomit tinsel all over him i'm a massive fan of christmas attire but only for festive drinks a social gathering or christmas day itself not as part of your usual wardrobe later that day i saw a man walking his dog wearing a santa hat

just no these are good looking men who usually i get a little tingle for but these two certainly didn't jingle my bells wow wow well very well oh like no let him wear his santa hat he's walking his dog man he might have his cold head let him wear his i mean he's probably got other hats i know what you mean i've talked myself out of it I've annoyed myself I thought you would hate Christmas I'm trying to stick up

for people who are just like enjoying Christmas and having a nice time do you know what I'm on the fence I'm 50-50 because sometimes I think

nah like do you know what I mean the school drop off right the first thing you've grabbed is a Christmas jumper seriously

nah nah nah minging you've done is a Christmas jumper seriously no no no minging you've done that on purpose yeah but again let them enjoy Christmas I know well fair enough

and people might think sorry love if the bloke's now got a Christmas jumper or a hat on and it doesn't give you the tingle you have to go and find a fucking tingle

somewhere else eh you pervert trying to get a tingle in Morrison's we think you're disgusting it's time for questions from the public

from the public public jingle bells public Feliz Navidad as always if you want to get in touch shag my ananoid

gmail.com you know what to do Rosie take it away hello Rosie and Chris please keep me anonymous I'll be as quick as I can that's what she said

great the Christmas break of my first year at uni I couldn't wait to meet up with my friend and catch up on everything we'd been up to. We'd arranged to go to the local village pub, so off we went for a Christmas Eve drink.

My older brother and his mates were also in the pub and we enjoyed a load of festive drinks together. My friend volunteered to get the next round for us. She'd been gone a good while but i could see the bar was a bit busy and that was okay and that she was okay sorry as the crowd thinned my brother noticed she was stood next to his mate who was coincidentally also taking quite a long time to

bring their beers back this sparked my interest as she was known to be a bit of a fast mover so i moved so i could see her better i could not fast mover yeah lovely lovely phrasing what do you mean we made a slag fat she's a fast mover yeah i could not believe my eyes no you're gonna i know what you're gonna say her hand yeah left the bar and moved down and towards the zip of his jeans. With his eyes set squarely on the beer mat in front of him, her elbow started to move up and down and in increasingly rapid movements, the elbow action unmistakable. My friend was indeed wanking my brother's friend off at the bar, in plain horrendous. In plain sight of everyone in

there. Obviously I immediately turned to my brother both hoping and not hoping that he'd seen. Oh he had. And so had all seven of his mates who were all stood completely agog, mouths open and uddershook, apoplectic

with disbelief and excitement. Imagine. Is she? Is she? and I shook, apoplectic, with disbelief and excitement. I can't imagine. Is he? Is he? Is he? That's me. Wanked off at the bar in the village pub. Not even a nightclub. No.

The speed of her elbow increased. Our breath hitched. We waited for the inevitable conclusion. He finished, she stopped, and all of his maids, including my brother, cheered the fucking pub down. No way! I was mortified, horrified, and pissing myself laughing.

What the actual fuck? There is one small detail that makes this story a little bit worse. We were all in the bar side of the pub where there was more standing room and more people our sort of age. The pub had a horseshoe bar serving two sides. Ours, and then opposite, with the optics in the middle,

was the lounge side. Yeah. Sat at the bar of the lounge side was our Lyft, who had driven us there and was going to drive us home. Yes, it was her dad. Ah!

No! I don't believe he saw anything, but my God. What? Like, with these kind of people, I can't believe they find each other. Like, girl who wants to wank lad off at bar finds lad who's perfectly happy with being wanked off at bar.

Would you let somebody wank you off at the bar? Absolutely not. No. And what, like, they weren't kissing, they weren't embraced, there was nothing going on. He's just standing there and she's just fucking cleaning a door handle.

We've talked about this so many times. I'll never understand. Whenever I've met up with lasses sometimes and they're like, oh my God, I met this lad, give him a blowjob. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah.

And I'm like, that's it. Yeah. You just gave him a blowjob. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, that's it. Yeah. You just gave him a blowjob. You just put a screw just penis in your mouth. What? Why? What pleasure is she getting out from just whacking some lad off at the bar? And where did he jizz?

Why have they not said that? No, I don't know. Why has that not been? In her hand. Merry, merry, merry Christmas. Nah. It's just, merry Christmas. No. It's just, oh. I'm dreaming of a white bar stool.

Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hey, guys. So, my dad is a legend. An idiot, but nonetheless a legend of a special kind. Okay. My fiancé strives to be like him and even contemplates the new saying, what would Jackie do?

So you'd call Jackie? I'm guessing so. Right, okay. Some examples of the legend's behaviour includes banging me in Atkinson's diet book for my 18th birthday, then proceeding to throw me out of the house when I naturally got upset, calling me ungrateful. Wow.

Sounds like a dick. He bought her a diet book for her 18th birthday. 18. Wow. And then booted her out when she was kicking off.

And it says, then for Christmas. I feel like you go, what would Jackie do when you do the opposite? What do you mean? They're saying that he's a bit of a legend

and you're like, now people say, what would Jackie do? But I feel like you could say, what would Jackie do and you do the opposite what do you mean they're saying that he's a bit of a legend and you're like what would now the people say what would Jackie do but I feel like you could say what would Jackie do and then you would just not do that

yeah yeah yeah then for Christmas buying my mum a petrol voucher for her present to essentially drive him around he doesn't drive

a petrol voucher yeah that's outstanding it says there are hundreds of Jackie-isms but I thought I'd share this one with you as it's Christmas themed a petrol voucher. It says there are hundreds of Jackie-isms, but I thought I'd share this one with you as it's Christmas themed.

A petrol voucher for Christmas? For Christmas? It's worse than an air fryer, that. Hey, don't you dare. You ungrateful fucker. So, I'm from a large family. Five brothers, sisters, me and 13 grandkids. We're Irish.

Lol. Every Christmas, along with their present my mom would buy all the children and grandchildren a selection box given she needed loads she would buy them early and place them up high above the kitchen with the traditional mother of the 90s saying don't touch them there for christmas was that that was scottish one i don't know what that was pretty much the beginning of christ in my house. The bulk buying. Why can't I do an Irish accent? Can you do one?

I don't like being put on the spot. Go on, you can. No. Don't touch them before Christmas. In Irish. I don't want to. Come on. No!

Stop it! This is horrible! Stop forcing us! Now, Jackie doesn't have a sweet tooth. He's a meat and veg man. But... I was going to say, I'm going to put it out there now. I don't like Jackie. I'm just going to...

I've heard three things about him, right? Four things. I've heard everyone thinks he's a legend, which, let's be honest, normally means he's a fucking cunt, right? You tell me now. You can't say cunt in the Christmas special. You tell me now, people. How cunt in the christmas special you tell me now people how many times have you heard someone's a legend and you've met them and you've been

devastated yeah yeah devastated and you've wanted to go does everyone need their fucking head looking at because this person that you've bigged up to me is the biggest fucking knob i have ever is this a wind-up is this a joke have you just hired a professional fucking prick yeah so one yeah i'm on and uh buying the petal voucher ridiculous buying your 18 year old daughter an atkins book getting the fence son horrendous and then the fact that he's a meat and veg man i'd get out look no he's Ramsey Nesbitt oh no essentially right

I've never told this story actually obviously I'm not going to say any names but a comedian went to a comedian friend of mine's house years ago because sometimes when if you're in the area

you were doing a gig for someone sometimes they'd be like you know they'd either get you dinner or you'd go to the house for dinner something like that and he went to the house and his wife said,

oh, I've just made spaghetti bolognese. Do you want spaghetti bolognese? And this comedian said, no, I don't want any of that foreign muck. I'll have egg and chips. Awful.

So, one, foreign muck, what fucking planet are you on? Two, no, I'll not have that meal you've prepared.

I will make you make something else. I'll not have that thing you've prepared I will make you make something else I'll not have that thing because I'm clearly some kind of I mean the maddest form of racism I think I've ever heard in my life that spaghetti bolognese it's literally a British meal

like it's been so British I guarantee if you made like you know if you got some old great grandmother from Sicily and you gave her spaghetti bolognese for a market shift, you'd be fucking sick everywhere. Well, it's like,

it's like Indian people with chicken tikka masala. Yeah, they'd be like, the fuck is that? What have you done to our beautiful food? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah,

oh no, I'll not have any of that because of my backward beliefs, but I will now make you make a different meal for me. Egg and chips as well. Egg and chips. Horrendous.

What fucking year is it? Anyway, Jackie's a meat and veg man, right? But occasionally he does go on a Jackie binge of a late evening while watching sport. Oh, God, I hate him. Oh, God. Oh, die. Oh, no, this is her dad.

She loves him. Okay, look. Look, I'm just giving my opinion yeah no everyone's got a tosser in the family yeah it's all good this binge

oh Jesus fucking Christ right okay what a ledge this binge is normally preceded by a 2am vomit sorry is go back to the email is this not a dog i don't know but then so so he has a jackie binge right after he's meeting to avenge and then it's it's preceded by a 2am vomit and a why the fuck didn't you stop me eating them ranted my mum in brackets jackie blameless of course oh of course

he's a menace yeah so a few days before Christmas me and my mum started the mountain of present wrapping finally after hours of wrapping

and Christmas films we had nearly finished and each family presents were in separate bags to be delivered to all the different houses on Christmas Eve my mum goes to the kitchen

to get all the selection boxes to pop in each family's sack when I hear her call me in and she says, Nicky, you'll not believe what that idiot has done. That was better. Thank you.

She handed me a rather light selection box, but it had been glued closed, like untouched. It's been glued back together. As I proceeded to open it, the idiot had not only eaten all the chocolate, but he had replaced it with... Mysteries, mysteries, jingle, jingle, jingle. Oh.

Okay. So Jackie... So Jackie's been on a binge. Let's look at the facts here. He's a meat and two veg guy. Yeah. Right? He wants you to watch what you're eating.

Okay. So what's he replaced it with? Nuts. Is that what you're going for yeah or dog biscuits right okay dog biscuits

right as I proceeded to open it the idiot had only eaten all the chocolate but he had replaced it with bread white bread in the hope my mum wouldn't find out.

But Jack need not at all worry and his grandkids will be crying Christmas Day when they opened it to bread. There's your bread box, kids. There's your bread box. Have your bread box. What's this, Grandad? A selection box for the ducks?

That's a selection box. Oh, God, it makes sense. A selection box for the ducks. That's a selection box. Oh, God, it makes sense. That's a selection box for the ducks. Oh, Granda, you're such a legend. Apologies to everyone about these accents. That's amazing. We never told him. We never told him.

And he still didn't confess up. Right, well, here's the problem. Even when delivering the presents. Here's the problem. You're letting this man get away with murder here. And you're not telling him. And you're calling him a legend. He doesn't know.

He's like an untrained dog. The dog doesn't know. It's like the dog's shot on the rug and you're going good boy yeah bread but do you know what it is it's give us a laugh and i'm sure he's got he's got i'm sure he's got a heart of gold i'm sure he has i'm obviously i'm joking yes probably you know i know I I if you're listening to this and you have no you've sent this in you know how I feel you know I don't really hate him

for comic effect I hate him I'm sure he's arid I'm sure he's arid but when presented with the fact in my defence here as well the stuff she put forward

for him being a legend was pick different stories he gave bone marrow he jumped in front of a bus and saved someone not he gave us an Atkins thing and I left the house and he kicked us out the house and he gave me my petal vote put some good stuff in

I can only work with what I've been given don't call him a legend and then tell us them two stories and expect me to go but hey listen have a lovely Christmas and we'll see you in the coming of Glasgow in 2023 so we'll see you there the coming of Glasgow. It's 2023, so we'll see you there. Bring Jackie.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I hope you enjoy your bread election boxes this year. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Rosie and Chris, I'm currently listening to episode 125 and the story about the dad who showed his flaccid dick pic at the beach to his kids. I forgot that.

I don't actually remember that. I do remember we've had loads of that. This has unfortunately brought back a memory that I have put a lot of effort into repressing. So now, of course, I must share it with you so you can suffer with me. Well, thank you and sorry and thank you again. It was Boxing Day and as we usually do every year,

my extended family had met up for Christmas. My nan and grandad, aunt and uncle, my mum, dad and brother and my two young cousins were there. We were gathered round in my aunt and uncle's house in the lounge where they had an Apple TV. On Apple TVs, there is a feature whereby you can set the standby screen to a slideshow of photos from your iPhone. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, how lovely. Look at that picture from your holiday oh cute picture of the dog wow look how young we look there everyone was minding their own business and chatting amongst themselves the photos just adding some nice background horrendous in my opinion this is until the conversations came to a natural lull and everyone turned to look at the photos on the screen suddenly out of nowhere a giant picture of my uncle's dick moves from the Oh no! It's a cake! a suppressed chuckle under someone's breath. My auntie stands up and shouts IT'S A CAKE! It's a cake!

It's a cake! I don't know what she thought she was achieving here as A. Why would she have bought a cake with giant dick and B. Props to the baker because it was very realistic and C. It was clearly not a fucking cake. It's a cake.

It's a cake. Genius, she's been watching that thing on Netflix. It's a cake. A cake, what cake? Is it a cake? Is it a cake? Cake or not, or whatever it's called. Ah, fuck me.

Almost with perfect timing, my uncle walks back into the room to announce the Christmas roast is ready. Everyone turns and starts to piss themselves with laughter. Even my mum. Even my nan, sorry, his mum. The TV is swiftly turned off with the promise that yes, it was apparently a cake. Wow. Fast forward to New Year and we get an email from my uncle asking us to share the family photos from the Christmas gathering. My parents thought this was a perfect opportunity.

the family photos from the Christmas gathering. My parents thought this was a perfect opportunity, so attached to an email was a picture of two Christmas clementines and a chorizo with the subject of pictures of the Christmas cake. Safe to say the email was never responded to and no one ever spoke again. Of the time the whole family saw my uncle's dick pic on widescreen HD at Christmas.

The end. I couldn't think of anything more anxiety, of a more anxiety-riddled moment than plugging me phone into the telly and just letting random, I mean, I must have 20,000 photos on me phone. Same. I have no idea what's on there.

What's gonna, oh, nah. Yeah. Oh, like, not even that, there's bad stuff. I mean, I guarantee there's no dick pics in there. It's gonna... Oh, nah. Yeah. Oh, like, not even that there's bad stuff. I mean, I guarantee there's no dick pics in there. It's not something I do.

But just... I don't think you've ever sent me a dick pic. Well, what's the space? You said I would get you the same old shit for Christmas? Just you wait.

Absolutely don't. I'm doing old school me, though. I've sent you dick pics. I'm doing an old school me, though. What? Dick pic, it's getting

framed and everything. It's not coming on a phone. It's getting framed. It's coming in. Big massive frame. Two blokes carrying it down the drive. Please don't. I'm joking. You haven't sent me tit pics. I bloody have. Have you? I mean, years

ago. Oh, great. Well, they were obviously really, really well received, weren't they? I've seen the real things. I can't remember. How grim is that? What? I remember every dick pic I've ever been sent and i remember at the time being a lot more excited about it than i probably was pretending because there's nothing attractive about seeing a hard penis on us on a screen right disrespect lads but it's just not

nice it's not and you've got a reply going it's not wow. It's not a photogenic thing, is it? No, it's horrible. It's not a photogenic thing. Oh, I'm so horny. Would love that. No, thank you. It's not for looking at. Guys, it's not for looking at. No.

It's for wanking off at the bar. We all know this. Obviously. While looking into the eyes of our dads. Yes. We're gossed up. By the way, I only just sort of, you were reading the next question on and I only just thought about the idea

of her dad possibly saying that. Can you imagine looking up and your daughter whacking some lad off the bar? Like. Christ alive.

He must have been looking and thinking bloody hell, she's helping that fella there. He's zippers caught just helping her out. Either that or not again fucking Jane.

Get out this pub now. Every Christmas. Sorry. Sorry son. Sorry. Every Christmas. Sorry. Sorry, son. Sorry. Sorry, son. Something, honestly. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

I used to work in Lapland in Finland as a coach guide, taking families on guided tour of Lapland in search for Santa. Brilliant. On the journey, families would discover various magical locations, including Santa's post office and workshop, go husky mushing, ride snowmobiles, and be pulled on a sled by reindeer.

Magical. Wow. Must be. Sounds great. On one particular tour, I picked up the guests at the airport as usual and headed towards the resort. It's a long journey, around 90 minutes. I already don't want to go.

Because if you've got children. You don't want to go. I'm alright for it. So to pass the time, we have songs and activities to do, including a surprise visit from an elf that stops the coach, gets on and welcomes the kids to Lapland.

Cool. Magical. We near the point in the journey where our elf, Snowy Bowie, Brilliant. or Bowie, Bowie?

Snowy Bowie, probably, hails down the coach so our driver slows down. Okay. Incredibly, we see some wild reindeer appear at the side of the road i pick up the mic and everyone and get everyone to look at the reindeer everyone is in awe wow it's pretty magical the reindeer dissipate and we speed up

slightly suddenly one of the reindeer dashes in front of the coach and we slam into it and over it and the coach judders to a stop. Oh my God. There is a stunned silence which only breaks when the child at the front starts to scream. Why did you kill the deer? Why did you kill the deer? He screamed to our Finnish speaking driver who joined me outside to check the damage. There was none, but already a car had pulled up behind us and was taking the dead animal away. What the hell? Crikey! but already a car had pulled up behind us and was taking the dead animal away. What the hell? More and more kids started to scream

from witnessing what may as well have been Rudolph's demise and by being scared by the now frenzied child up front. Meanwhile, snowy boy concerned after seeing us stop randomly at the road has made her way to us. I fill her in on the situation. She gets on the coach and incredibly calms the children down by telling them that she will look after the deer and sprinkle magical sparkles over it

and promises to make it better by morning. The adults are less than convinced. The next morning, my first location to take the families is the reindeer farm. As we approach, there's an air of unease from the adults and the boy at the front starts to fidget, still traumatised from the night before. And one of the adults whispers loudly careful driver what the guest didn't know is that we had devised a plan to make things right and there on arrival

was snowy boy next to a reindeer with a bandage around its leg a cast around its neck and some magical sparkles on its fur the children were amazed and somehow so were the parents as one of the grown ass adults turned to me and asked in wonder is that the same reindeer yes i said yes it is magical wow wow that's beautiful. Did you enjoy that little story? Just a beautiful story. Love it. Thank you for that.

Oh, I mean, not beautiful. The fact that the situation. Can we just, why was somebody just really shit hot on taking away the roadkill? Like, is there some sort of bounty on their head or something? They either work there or they're just like okay new rug I don't know but wow

wow nicer do you still want to go to Lapland great story nah not anymore although you do you know

reindeer carcasses are a plenty exactly bring one of them home babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo little would you rather

to end on here bring it on hi Rosie and Chris I have a Christmas would you rather to end on here. Bring it on. Hi Rosie and Chris. I have a Christmas would you rather. Okay. From home alone. Would you rather go through what Harry goes through or what Marv goes through?

That is a fucking mint question. Provided you won't die like in the film. They've wrote them all down. Oh, they've written them down. Come on then. So Harry. Yeah. Joe Pesci.

Yeah. Shot in the balls. Shot in the balls. Slips on the ice. Yes. Burned hand. Yeah. Head set So Harry. Yeah. Joe Pesci. Yeah. Shot in the balls. Shot in the balls. Slips on the ice. Yes. Burned hand. Yeah. Head set on fire.

Yeah. Glue and feathers to the face. Tart and feathered. Falls over the toy cars. Yeah. Crowbar to the chest. Yeah. Pain bucket to the face.

Yeah. Fall from the tree house and shovel ahead. Great. Okay. Okay. So that's Harry. Marv. Shot in the face.

Slips on ice. Iron to the face. Steps on the nail and the tar. Steps on all the baubles. Yeah. Falls over toy cars. Spider on the face. Pain bucket to the face. steps on the nail and the toe, steps on all the baubles, falls over toy cars, spider on the face, pain bucket at the face, fall from the tree house

and shovel to head. Personally for me, yeah. Because of the fire. So you would rather be Marv? I'd rather be Marv. Right, okay. I would rather be Harry

because when he stands on that nail, it makes us want to die. It is awful. Yeah. It is awful. But the fire of the head do you know joe pesci ash actually burnt his head doing that is it or did he really yeah when he got the fire the head he actually had burns on his head wow yeah yeah yeah tell the story tell the

little fact that you said about joe pesci about the filming times oh apparently joe i saw this on the i saw this on the internet joe pesci um had a word. There was loads of really early morning starts and he had a word with the director and said, can I not start as early because I like to do nine holes of golf in the morning to get my day right and to move the starting times back. I love that.

Imagine having that kind of power in your job. I know. I'm just going to push that back. I want to do a bit of fucking golf. See you later. You've got to do what you've got to do, don't you? Wow. To all my slags out there,

you're a ho, ho, ho! Very good. Merry Christmas. Thank you for listening to this week's Christmas episode of Shagmaradanoid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, thank you very much. I don't have a similar male prostitute-related Christmas joke for all of you, so I'll just say

cheers, lads. Cheers, lads. Cheers, lasses. Cheers, everyone, for listening to us all this year we bloody love you have a merry merry christmas and we'll be back in years in the new year thank you very much indeed see you guys bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece,

Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play.

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