Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 20. Worrying Crush

Episode Date: June 28, 2019

The Ramsey’s are back from their Holidays and have some brilliant beef to share. They also answer questions about naked neighbours, dressing etiquette and a tooth pick alternative. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmired Annoy with me rosie ramsey and my other half christopher ramsey we've just been on holiday christopher's got that lovely golden brown skin as soon as he looks at the sun i am whiter than when i left because me fake tan washed off and i do not tan naturally i noticed that you were full of fake tan and you were tanned on the way there.

And then on the way back, you were less brown. It was terrible. It's like you went on holiday in a time machine. Good. Blame your dad. Derek. Your little chalky white thing, yeah? Shocking.

Guys, this is episode 20. And before we start, a word from this week's sponsor. This week's sponsor is Butter. Butter. Hey. We are 20 weeks in and we still don't have a real sponsor. Hey, no. I don't know why you're not listening.

This is a real sponsor. Butter. Hey. Is your toast dry? Butter. Hey. Your scrambled eggs sticking in the pan? Some butter. Some butter in there

I do You know what I do like butter Oh you've wrote these Oh shut up I've got Honestly You've never done this before

I've got a thing Yeah Okay he's got a list Different things I've got to say He's got a script Yeah Hey Your pasta

Little bit thin Thinking it's not as nice As how you made it At the restaurant Stick some butter in Thin You know the sauce A bit thin Oh right I thought you meant the pasta think it's not as nice as how you made it at the restaurant? Stick some butter in. Thin? You know, the sauce, a bit thin. Oh, right.

I thought you meant the pasta. Loads of butter. Everyone, basically everyone puts butter in loads of stuff. If you're in a restaurant, you go, why does this taste bad? It's butter. Butter, I agree. Loads of butter. So many uses for butter.

Hey, are you a little ginger-skinned little lady who can't tan on holiday? Get some butter on there. You ran out of some sex lube? Get some butter on there. Run out of some sex lube, get some butter in there. Oh, no, do not. Some of it's salty. Do not put some butter in there. Keep the butter out of there.

Nothing wrong with that. Okay, sorry, if you're vegan, don't use the butter. In there. Don't use butter in sex, please, God. Coming out soon, peanut butter. I like peanut,

but that hasn't got any butter in, has it? It's called butter. Spread it. Love it. Eat it. I do love butter, though. You've got it, okay? Yes.

Do love butter. You finished? Yeah. Great. Well done for scripting it. It made more sense. To be honest with you, I spread that one a bit thin. Oh, wow.

Wonderful. Stay tuned for more of that gold comedian fantastic here is the jingle well everyone's deaf now bye we had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Hello, or should I say hola?

Hola. Because we've just got back from Spain and we had a lovely time thank you so much for coming back and listening yeah we're back in real time back in real time although we are recording this earlier in the week

but hello if it's Friday as always guys thank you very much for listening if you ever want to get in touch it's shagmoundanoid at gmail.com and also like rate

and subscribe on all of your little podcast shops so podcast shops podcast shops how are you doing how mad oh babe i'm fine yeah i'm good actually really good sound a little bit more sprightly we might have to calm down a bit i think we're excited because we haven't done a podcast i know sorry okay chill no no that's you don't have to say sorry it's nice to be hot hey you stop enjoying yourself how dare you do you not but the podcast is weird because obviously it's not like a TV show where it's

really kind of fake. Not fake, but you know what I mean? Like done and you can edit it loads. This podcast, however we feel, that precise moment is kind of what you get. Yeah, absolutely. When it goes out. Yeah. Hence why we'll have to do episode three twice because we'll argue at the time.

Because we'll have to fight, yeah. No, we're all right. I feel like we're connected well in our marriage on holiday we did we had a lovely little connection on holiday we didn't have many fights did we no not really no it's good and we've kind of come to the conclusion because we had a conversation about it that when your kids because we've only got the one but when they get older and easier you don't fight as much no you don't it is just like we didn't argue we had a kid it's the stress of having a child like because you can't fight as much no you don't it is just like we didn't argue to have a kid it's the stress of having a child like because you can't you know i can't call my son a c-u-n-t to his face

but i can call you one you're not meant to do that what is that why he's been saying it that's why he called his nursery teacher you pent it up don't you yeah yeah yeah aggression and yes well not aggression tension and your anger and your sort of, well, not aggression, tension and your anger and your annoyance and you're fired at the other person because the kid's, you know, the kid's just a kid. It's a constant.

It's going to be a dick no matter what. Yeah. Yeah. But now we find that he's got easier and it's lovely. But we did talk this morning about possibly having another one at some point.

Oh, my dear, where am I? I know, and we just, but we need... Stop telling people there's gonna be pressure people are gonna be tweeting us and oh no no no no pressure spread your seat tonight ramsey huh no don't i'm not pressuring it i just mean in the in the way that if we do have another one we're gonna go back to square one and we're gonna we're gonna hate each other again so we need to remember this moment i'm documenting it yeah but people say it's easier for your second one don't they they do

yeah but i've spoken to people who say they don't have two. Oh, really? Yeah. So I don't know what to believe. Who knows? Get in touch. I'm marriedanoyeditgmail.com. If you have an opinion, either way, on having another child.

What should we do? Fair play. You know when you see people who've got like six kids and that? I was on the train the other night coming back from London, and I think she had four or five kids without this lady, and the guy as well. And to be fair, the train was delayed for like an this lady and the guy as well and to be fair the train was delayed

for like an hour and the kids were good as gold but I was just like holy shit man it's intense isn't it yeah there was three of us and I always remember

my mum was just constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown bless her you could just see it in her face I just remember I've seen pictures

and like don't we had the best childhood like full of happy memories and lush but we look back at pictures and she was miserable she even says she's like oh my god

like I was just so tired and so exhausted constantly and I was like I've got one and I get it I get it well Sandra

should have kept your legs shut whoa Kevin was an accident hashtag just saying oh Jesus Christ. It's my brother. But he was, but that's fine. Still love him.

Oh, wonderful. Where does this podcast go? Where does it go? Tell you what, it hasn't aged her. It hasn't aged you, ma'am. What, you're having kids? No, it hasn't aged her. No, she looks great, doesn't she?

Yeah. That was depressing on holiday. Really? I're having kids? No. It hasn't aged her. No, she looks great, doesn't she? Yeah. That was depressing on holiday. Really? I had a little secret cry about that. Did you? Well, we went on holiday with your ma'am and my ma'am and your dad and us two and Robin. Your ma'am and my ma'am are both probably about size six to eight. Yeah.

Amazing figures. Both in their 60s. I felt like an absolute fat hippo on them sun beds in between them two I swear to god disgusting

oh you look gorgeous I know we did photos I did a little photo thing for you for your little Instagram you look fantastic yeah I know

and I did some I did some modelling for a swimwear company that I'm working for at the moment and no but it's good I felt great I was a model

for 15 minutes you took the pictures didn't you I felt great I was a model for 15 minutes you took the pictures didn't you I did take the pictures yeah still yet to get me fee for that is it

did you get me invoice possibly might give you a handjob next week no I'm gonna need cash you're saying

I'm not very good I'm saying I can do that myself alright okay well you just do it I'll like be on my phone

cool Instagram I won't Instagram that but I'll just be on Instagram probably and I'll chuck you a tenner maybe we should negotiate this off air can't feel it

feel like I'm getting shafted here definitely not getting shafted Jesus learn to negotiate Chris I feel like I'm getting shafted here. Definitely not getting shafted. Jesus. Learn to negotiate, Chris. What's up, Chris? What's happening this week? We're too excited.

We're too excited. We're too giddy. We've had our holiday. We've had our holiday. We had a lovely little holiday. It was very nice. Robin was lovely. He learned to jump in the pool on his own,

which was great. Jumped in the pool all day. We talked in the water park and no word of a lie he must have went down the same slide one after another honestly i lost count at 30 times when he went down that slide it was incredible brilliant um i did goggle box the other day i'm allowed to announce that i did celebrity goggle box yeah i did celebrity goggle box with example that was very good very good fun that should be on channel four shortly looking forward and watched a bit of news a bit of recent news

and we had a comment on that so I'm assuming it'll be on shortly it should be that was really good fun good and yeah I can't think of anything

else that's been going on that's it how did we go we are back I'll have been I'll have recorded me special by the time this goes out this is Friday morning now

I'll have recorded me special last night Thursday I'm not allowed to say what it's for yet but it's a stand-up comedy special. A stand-up comedy special by Chris Manzi, recorded in his hometown, brackets, the closest city to where he lives,

in Newcastle at the Tyne Theatre Opera House, in front of a thousand plus adoring fans. And his wife may or may not have went there, depends if she can be arsed on the night. Go on, don't! For the record, I went to see it last night and it is class I've told you

you're very good at what you do you're a bell end in real life but you're good at stand up comedy sandwich of insults and

compliments at the same time it's like a compliment bread with an insult filling yes no you were very good but I'm just I don't know whether whether I can be bothered to go say it again but anyway It's like a compliment bread with an insult filling. Yes. No, you were very good, but I'm just, I don't know whether, whether I can be bothered to go say it again.

But anyway. Wonderful. Support you fully. There's a review. I'll say it. I'll say it later. What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef?

What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? If you take your time

And the first in line What's your beef with me? Get your beef with me Right, that's enough. But we could probably do that. We might have to pay for that if we use that. Oh, will we? I think you've got to pay for stuff.

Okay. You go first. My beef with you this week, Rosemary. Rosemary Ramsey, knee winter, is you are productive in trying to tidy up until half of the job is done. And then you fuck it off. Okay. Around the house. Is this a beef or just like a fact uh it's both okay um i'm looking over

your shoulder now well i'm looking over your shoulder now um literally over your shoulder you started um taking out of date food out of the fridge to put in the bin uh it's all on the bench you got it out the fridge and you've just sat it on the bench there i don't know what it's waiting for it's just sitting on the bench there above the bin may i add above the cupboard where the bin is you could just open it and put it in. But no, what we'll do is we'll take that out of date, rotten food out of the fridge, and we'll just let it go to room temperature in the corner.

Shall we? No doubt you'll request the heating on in a little while just to get that nice and festering air. I'm looking over there behind you again. There's a big bag of carrots over there for no reason whatsoever. I was going to make soup because they're not was gonna make soup yeah there it is there it is and that's my point half productive i'll make some soup what is making soup involved it involves opening the fridge getting the stuff out and then making it i'll stop at getting the stuff out

uh over on the other side there's some split peas that packet's just been left there i know no i'm eating them actually right and they're not split peas who eats split peas well i don't know what they're sugar snap peas sugar snap peas i don't Well, I don't know what they are. They're sugar snap peas. Sugar snap peas. I don't know why. I don't know me veg, right? I don't know me veg. I can tell.

Look at your skin. You broke us down, right? I don't know me veg. Well, I don't. Yeah. You do, yeah. I know, but I'm busy. I've got stuff to do.

The amount of half-hoovered rooms I've seen. And just, honestly. Yesterday, yesterday, back at the old dishwasher thing yesterday i said what's happening is this on or off you went oh the dishwasher's full but you can probably stack it better so there's just a pile of dishes on top you have it honest half a job uh you restack it anyway so why am i gonna waste my time stacking it when you're just gonna restack it i just like to know that you're being busy i like not you've had actually do yeah just make sure you're being busy I like knowing that you've had a hand in it yeah you actually do just make sure you're doing something

but I don't think you realise right I actually do loads yeah I just don't tell you everything that I do whereas you tell we've talked about this before

you tell me everything you do I need a checklist I need a gold star well don't because there's loads if I told you everything that I do in this house I'd talk you to death

yeah I would definitely die of panic because every half finished bit that i have to go and redo yeah well do you know i wash the sheets your pillowcases and the rest i'd still do it yeah yeah oh shut up i've got nothing to say to this because uh you're kind of right but that's just because i've got other stuff to do i'm busy woman yes no it's all good okay what's your beef all right my beef this week uh i did have a different one but this one ties in with the holiday that we've just been on wonderful so it's fresh so so one's been shelved for later so one's been shelved great and this is the fresh

one um this holiday that we've just been on i was really disappointed in you oh you joined in with your parents and kind of my mom in the oh i just don't get hungry during the day on holiday don't get hungry during the day on holiday because why I mean why would your body need fuel on holiday because you're not doing anything no that's not a thing no it's not a thing that happens

so if you follow my Instagram you would have seen that on holiday I had to start a club on my own of secret scoffing can I just say

I had to start a club on my own is the saddest sentence in English language. because everybody else just didn't eat at all. Robin ate. Yeah, Robin ate.

Robin got off, had food left, right and centre. He was on about six meals a day, that little twat. Me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You know this.

We went to Dubai, we've talked about this. I don't eat during the day on holiday That's where I got it from I just don't do it Reptiles Reptiles Reptiles

Just sit in the sun Don't Don't Eat Don't drink I did have some ice cream And I did have some beer That doesn't count

Although I couldn't have some You can't just miss a meal Yeah Although I couldn't have many beer Actually Do you know what it is You know what my beef should have been with you That you got us a villa

in the fucking mountains. What, so you had to drive? I had to drive every day. I couldn't even drink. I lost weight on that holiday. I lost weight on that holiday! I lost weight on the holiday we've just been on, I swear to God. Secret scoffing does not count as a meal. What were you scoffing?

Ham. Brilliant. Bits of carrots that I bought. You love just going and getting bits of ham. You're like Tony Soprano. You know, on The Sopranos where he would come in and he just opens the fridge. God, I'll be honest with you, it makes us hungry just thinking about it. He would open the fridge and there'd be like that kind of butcher's paper

and there'd be like deli paper and he'd be pulling it back and just bits of salami. Salami. Montadilla. I mean, this is bordering on racist, but you bits of salami. Just bits of pastrami. Yeah, pastrami. Hey, hey, hey. Montadella. Bit of a bit of the salami. I mean, this is bordering on racist, but you know what I mean. That's Italian, that's what you're talking about.

That's what you do. Yeah, that's what I was doing. Yeah, I love a bit of that. I love just going in and getting a bit of ham, a little bit of like, I don't know, a bit of gherkin, possibly like a little breadstick. We genuinely ate really well on that holiday.

Like, we're having barbecues on the night, just like little picky, picky teas. It was amazing. I know. Well, because we were with the two skinniest women who I know. Do you know what I mean? Every night it was like...

Your mum, who says she doesn't eat much, then one night she took ten flumps to bed. I know. Like a psycho. Yeah, I was like, Mum, do you know why you're eating ten flumps in the middle of the night? Because your body is craving food.

It's such a dry thing to eat. And then she must have woke up with a mouth like a fucking blackboard rubber. Like, what are you doing? Just get power. 10 flumps? Flumps are marshmallows, by the way. Yeah, if you know what a flump is, it's like a marshmallow. Christ alive.

Also, just quickly, this is really random, but it made us think of something else. I put on my Insta story today about salad cream and so many messages saying that they took salad cream to call food with them.

A bottle of salad cream. Jesus. How random is that? My first thought was, imagine that burst in your case. Well, this is what I mean. I mean, I had a conditioner, some hair conditioner burst in my case on the way back. Oh, yeah, it did.

And that was devastating. But imagine salad cream all over your holiday gear. I know. But your mum took Weetabix with her, didn't she? Oh, she's weird. They took Weetabix. I've never took... My dad took bacon.

I was like, what are you doing, man? I know what you're doing. What the hell are you doing? He took four packets of bacon. And two of them was them shitty, good-for-you medallion bacon that they do. Oh, without the fat. What the hell are you doing? He took four packets of bacon. And two of them was them shitty, good-for-you medallion bacon that they do. Oh, without the fat. Put it on the barbecue.

They're just stuck to the thing. Honestly, it was like mince by the end of it. It was like pork mince. I had to grate them off. Oh, I love it. I love it. I've never done that. I've never took food.

I mean, that's me saying that. I've never took food on holiday. Back in the day. But I mean, there was a supermarket that did Weetabix. I saw it. I know. Look at that. What's the matter, Anne? Not like Spanish Weetabix, you racist. Racist. Food racist.

Come from the same factory, you know. Same factory. Okay, it's time for questions from you beautiful listeners. Questions from the public. Public, public, public, public, you beautiful listeners. Questions from the public. Public, public, public, public, public, public. I love pubs. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

I love my boyfriend more than anything in this world, but I have an issue. Okay. He puts his jeans on before his socks. This means he then has to pull up the bottom of his jeans, most usually skinny jeans too, to attempt to tuck his sock in and pull the jeans back down, which causes it to be all ruffled up and messy. This causes me great distress,

as I have to look at this mess all day. Right. Great distress? I know. I, however, put my socks on before my jeans okay you're not gonna believe this right i wanted to follow the theme of the podcast so i did a poll in the office at work jesus christ people how much time have you got on your hands just i love it um and i was disgusted to find disgusted that 25 of my colleagues put their socks on after their jeans 25 i can't even look at them in the same way now uh what order do you guys do it in and that's from kirsty watson and i love you

kirsty i love you i love your passion about this almost pointless subject. I love it. Wow. What order do you do yours? I sometimes forget to put the socks on first. And I'm genuinely annoyed. Yeah, same. Annoyed. Because you're not going to take...

To clarify, I put socks on, then the pants. Yes. Just because, you know, streamline, bang, bang. Same. But if I forget, if I put the jeans or the pants on, I look down and I go, it's a bit much to take them back off and put the socks back on,

but you've got to go out and you're right, yeah, if I've got anything that's got like a bit of a tape at the leg, I'm devastated. Yeah. Yeah, and you've got to stop it right, yeah, 100%. She's really right here.

And Kirsty, can I just say, take solace in the fact that only 25%, 75%, you've got the majority there, you know, you've banged it, you've smashed it. You're doing good. You're the winner. Are you the same, Rose? I am exactly the same. I think sometimes it's harder for women because

we've got so many different, I mean, sorry, I don't mean to be genderless. You bloody think everything's harder for women. Sick of it. Ever since you pissed on your shoe, just because you can't wee, stand it up. Stop being jealous. Not everything's harder for women. Do you bleed out of your vagina once a month for about a week uh yes right well you should probably go to the doctor because you shouldn't be i'm not supposed to have

oh okay then right i might i might go and get that sorted now yes no so i think i don't always know what shoes i'm to wear so it's like I put my pants on trousers for Southerners sorry and then I'm like oh no

because I'm going to wear my trainers and I need socks on so then I have to roll them up like you say it's pure laziness to just not take them off and put them back on again

absolutely can I say as well obviously we know we've discussed this I've got a colour problem with different colours of wearing matching and mismatching

colours like if I've got blue pants and white trainers I'm not putting black socks on I'm not doing it it'll freak us out colour problem with different colours of wearing matching and mismatching me colours oh yeah if i've got blue pants and white trainers i'm not putting black socks on no you won't no it'll freak us out um but sometimes i've got the um depending on what trainers i realize i'm putting on i've got to then take me socks off and turn them inside out because vans i've got pairs of vans that i'm wearing at the minute they pull you know the seam on your sock that goes across the top of your knuckles of your toes the seam do you understand what I mean

so the front of your sock your front of your sock yes oh yeah yeah the seam runs across sort of the bottom of where your toes are the root of your toes

if I will vans for some reason pull that forward and that seam ends up hooked under my big toenail and it's really

uncomfortable and I have to turn them inside out how about you just cut your toenails how rank is that even when i've got tripped like there's still a seat there's still a lid there there's still a lip there on the toenail even if i've got trimmed toenails that's what happens it goes forward it basically flosses underneath my toenail oh my gosh hashtag toe meat do you know someone tweets me i don't know her name but someone tweets me every me toenail. Oh my gosh. Hey, hey, hey. Hashtag Tomeat. Tomeat. You know, someone tweets me, I don't know her name, but someone tweets me every week

going, you said Tomeat again. Stop saying Tomeat. Tomeat, Tomeat, Tomeat. I made you out of meat. Tomeat, Tomeat, Tomeat. With Tomeat I will greet. Tomeat. Tomeat. Babadoob, babadoob. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com

so speaking of toenails i've got another one for you here i don't think i've ever heard the segue speaking of toenails and we seem to talk about toenails a lot and i don't know why but i just get really interesting questions i doubt i doubt a chiropodist has never even said, speaking of toenails. Yeah. Speaking of toenails. Ugh! Hi, Rosie and Chris. I was once sat on a tube whilst a man opposite me

was smacking back a three-course meal deal from Boots. As he finished his chocolate bar, he removed his wallet from his back pocket. He opened that little pouch, the one usually used for loose change, and he removed an old nail.

What? Not a nail that you put on a wall. Right. A nail that grows on your body. I don't know where this is going. Are you ready? This was far too big to be a fingernail, so I can only assume it was from his big toe. It gets worse. He inspected this nail and didn't seem happy with it.

He placed it back into the shrapnel pouch and started digging around for a better option. To my horror! He found what he was looking for and started to use it as a toothpick. Shut the fuck... No! I thought it was... Removing the leftovers of his boots meal deal,

I was heaving and almost threw up when he opened his wallet back up and placed the nail back into the coin pouch to use it again at a later date. What? What? What is happening in the world? That is one of the creepiest things I've ever heard.

I can't believe I'm hearing this. I'm not sleeping. I can't believe I'm hearing this. Somebody in this world world the same air where you all breathe has got a little pocket in his wallet

full of nails that he uses as a tooth break and guess what he's got a favourite one throw the others away man why are you just

get rid of the others and keep that favourite one they'd probably go a bit like a bit like a bit um oh god it might have went blunt that's the word or maybe sometimes he like gets it in a jam in a gap and he snaps it and he leaves a bit in the tooth and then he's got to get another one pick the tooth near oh honestly it's not it doesn't it takes a lot to turn my stomach we talk about some disgusting stuff that That's really upset me.

That's really, really upset me. Well, what kind of, I imagine, I imagine he got off that tube and went and killed one of his next victims because that man is a serial killer. Yeah, definitely. They are people's nails.

They are people's nails. I bet your podcast comes out about this guy. Do you think? Welcome to Wondry. Wondry presents the toenail killer. After he's finished his meal deal,

he picks out his nail and picks his teeth. Honestly, that is... This killer is most prolific in the summer months when toenails are on display. Don't wear flip-flops in the South London area.

Serious, man. That is... I've got... I mean... Can I just say what I thought you were going to say straight away, right? Because I've got a friend who does this. I don't want to name them, right? What?

That? No, no, no, no, no. This is what I thought you were going to say. I've got a friend who finishes a meal, opens their wallet, takes an old train ticket out and uses the train ticket to pick their teeth oh which i find awful what carry a bit of floss round yeah i mean again don't do it on public transport i've oh i attract them i've talked about when we stand up the honestly the if i regularly got the tube in london i'd be next to the toothpick i guy

they just gravitate towards i. I've had some horrible situations on public transport when I was younger. Did I tell you about the bloke who sat next to me with all the knives? All the knives? Have I not told you about this? All the knives? All the knives. Like every knife in the world? No, no. Wait, okay. I was on a bus.

I was probably about 18. I just finished work. It was about 6 o'clock at night. I was on an empty bus. Well, there must have been about two other people on the bus. Yeah. This bloke, I was sat at the back, the row just before the back row. I was sat there on a double seat. This man came and sat next to me, which firstly, I was like,

why the hell are you sitting next to us? Secondly, had a bag with him, carrier bag, full of knives. Carrier bag? Arier bag full of knives. Carrier bag? A carrier bag full of knives. Safe to say, I got off the bus. And stupidly, I don't know why, at 18 back in the day before social media and all that kind of stuff,

like, I didn't do anything. I should have told somebody. That he had a carrier bag full of knives. That he had a carrier bag full of knives and he sat next to us on the bus. Oh, Lord. So when he sat next to you, how many people were on the bus?

Was there loads of empty seats? Loads. Loads. The whole bus was... That was what was awful. For me, right? This is a double-edged sword, right? Because when I'm on a bus, right?

If I'm sitting on a bus or a train and the whole thing's empty and someone comes and sits next to me, I really get upset. I really don't like it. I don't think anyone likes it. It's like, why have you sat next to me? There's loads of spare seats. Why have you sat next to me? But at the same time, when a bus is really full and someone you're like

the seat next to you is the only seat someone comes and sits next to you obviously because the bus is heaving but then if loads of people get off at the next stop if that person who's next to me goes and sits in an empty seat i'll take a person i can't handle that kind of rejection it's like oh it's like hey like I know it's an empty seat now, but what have I done? It's really awkward, isn't it? When they go like, I'll go and move to an empty seat and you're like, hmm, something I said?

Oh, sniffing the armpits like, oh gosh. These are my good knives, what's wrong? What did he bag for life, ironically? So I'm going to go and murder someone. Oh my word. Why did he have a bag of knives? Crazy. Why didn't I tell anybody?

I shouldn't. I mean, have we ever heard of any deaths in our local area of a man with a bag of knives? Could have stayed on longer. He might have just been picking his teeth with them. Oh, God. Cutting his toenails. I've just had a random thought. You know the bloke with the fingernails in the. In the shrapnel thing of his wallet?

Uh huh. What happens if he has to give someone the right change for something in Craig's? And he puts a fingernail in their hand? Oh gosh. That's just popped into my head. Imagine that! That's, yeah but... That's £10.05 love. If you've got the five, I'll check. But do you not think...

Five pence or five fingernails because I got both do you not think he does it deliberately because he is a murderer do you not think that's like his call him card so it's like

there's just loads of dead people's toenails everywhere and he gets like a thrill out of it like he knows

that a toenail will be in Greg's till with his change horrible that's what he does when he sees his victim's toes till with his change. Horrible. That's what he does when he sees his victims. Toes.

Oh, God. Stop it. Delete that. That sounds minging. Okay, so this one, I think we've had this question before, but I just wanted to read it out because I just thought

the way that she'd wrote it was quite funny. Okay. Might be slightly offensive to you, to read it out because i just i thought the way that she'd wrote it was quite funny okay might be slightly offensive to you but i think you can take this wow dear chris and rosie chris has been my celebrity crush for years and for quite some time i have heard some stick for this of family and friends. For fuck's sake. What the hell? What the hell's going on? I think it's

because it started when he had really long hair. I did not think this was weird. Along with Jack Whitehall, I obviously have a type for skinny, funny men. People have called these

celebrity crushes weird. Weird. Great. This is fantastic. This is lovely to hear. Babe, I'll marry you. This is worse for me. I love that you had us as a celebrity crush. And our family formed a fucking committee to tell her that it's weird. There's loads of them. I have took

stick for the... Tell you what. Jesus. I have been chastised and victimised and ran through the street. I was marched through my local town naked like bloody Circe. Shame.

Shame. Shame. For having a celebrity crush on Chris Ramsey. Jesus. I love it. I love you. I think if I married you. That's great, yeah.

You are my weird celebrity crush. Brilliant. Still weird. Still got the word weird in it. Excellent. So it was just asking if you've got a celebrity weird crush. But then she's put, P.S.

Don't take any offence, Chris. I still think you're lush. Oh, I'll take that. Becky loves you. Cool, yeah, Becky. Despite the masses urging her otherwise. Despite that petition her family have started. Despite the numerous leaflets for vision expression.

Spec savers that get dropped on a fucking table every day. Are you sure? Are you sure? He has a therapist's number. He has vision express. dropped on a fucking table every day. Are you sure? Are you sure? He has a therapist's number. He has Vision Express. He has a laser eye surgery. He's got really long hair.

Jesus. Love you. I love you too. Okay, I got sent this question and it's a good question, but the end bit made me think about something else and I have a question for the listeners. Okay.

Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I love the podcast. Thank you very much. My question is, should there be pressure to be in a relationship? I've been single pretty much my whole life

and I've just come back from university very far away and my mum keeps pestering me and keeps saying she's going to sign me up to a dating site i don't think i need to as i'm living my life nearly 21 but her and my dad were together at this age should there be any pressure on me uh i don't think so at 21 i think that's a bit intense uh yeah i don't think so at all i mean i think um not meaning to drag the uh

the mood down here but i think your parents are just trying to make sure you don't die alone wow that's all it is you just want the best for your kids you do yeah you know there might be a you know there might be a need for grandkids there as well possibly um that there might be harbour and that they probably haven't mentioned yet but that's just in their defence. But no pressure whatsoever, especially not at 21. Shit, Jesus. If anything, don't.

Nah, take your time. Sow that seed. Sow that seed. Also, so this is where my question comes in. This is your question. My question. Cool. But she or he, actually, I don't know.

I don't know. Male or female, it's a non. A non. Also, separate question. I kind of like this guy and we're good friends, like a good flirt, but I can't tell him I like him because I kissed his best friend. He has a girlfriend.

I didn't know. How do I approach chatting to him? This is my question. I think it's a girl. Okay. From the deduction I've just used there. So she's ended this saying, also, I low-key stalker him on Snap Maps.

Snap Maps? What is Snap Maps? I hear you cry. Have you heard of Snap Maps? No. Snap Maps are on Snapchat. And basically, Snap Map uses mobile phone technology to find out where its users are and then draws them on a map in real time.

technology to find out where its users are and then draws them on a map in real time you can know where people are on snap maps and that is some crazy crazy stuff wow i know did you know that no so she doesn't just look at these photos she finds out where he is on snap maps and then do you reckon she might like pop to the same place possibly yeah oh my god what you didn't hear oh my god yeah yeah just popped down just to know you'd be here I just pop to the bottom of the garden yes shared at the same time oh you just put something on snapchat oh my god so we had I didn't know you do that snap maps what a horrible world that's I mean it's not horrible I mean't know you could do that. Snap maps. What a horrible world. I mean, it's not horrible.

I mean, you know, when they find someone who's missing because of it, you'll be laughing. But yeah. I mean, I wouldn't laugh. I'd probably be quite glad. Yeah, but not laughing. Not like so happy that you're like, Ha ha ha!

They found the missing little girl! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! So she's thought that's, I mean, that's, yeah. No wonder she stayed anonymous, like. But that's great. wonder she's stayed anonymous like but that's great stalks him on snap maps

just thought you guys might want to know that if somebody didn't know what snap maps were very strange I know it's a different world I don't know

I don't know how I feel about it if I'm honest with you he's kids did he kids today knowing where everyone is all the time eh when you had to knock on your mate and your mum the mum would go they're out and you just had to go places He's kids. Bloody kids today, knowing where everyone is all the time. Yeah?

Remember when you had to knock on your mate and the man would go, they're out, and you just had to go places and find out where they were. Yeah, my friend Ashley Little lived probably about four kilometres away from my house. Easy, yeah.

Easy. I'd walk there, knock on her, she wouldn't be in. I'd walk home. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I remember walking around cleeden hills once because someone said all the lads were up on cleeden hills and i walked around looking for them i came back and they were in someone's garage on my own yeah but you just did i remember this is before phones or anything and this is when i was about 11 or 12 you'd say to your friends

on saturday you'd say to your friends on Saturday, you'd say on Friday night when you were leaving school, meet you tomorrow outside McDonald's at 12 o'clock. Yeah. You'd just go at 12 o'clock. So much faith, wasn't it? And imagine, like, I mean, usually they'd turn up, but if they didn't turn up, if something had happened,

you'd just be sat outside McDonald's. Yeah, like a dick. Just, oh, I'll just get the bus home. What? Can you imagine doing that now? Nah, I mean, I don't leave the house for many things. No. Someone said, I'll meet you at 12 outside McDonald's.

I'd probably just say, yeah, even if I wasn't going to be there, just to piss them off. Oh, God. And that's the man who's got no friends. Okay, right. Hiya, Rosie and Chris My husband and I attended a friend's birthday barbecue last week And brought the obligatory flowers and beer slash wine with us

Jesus Our friends proceeded to hand out an honesty box Asking for £15 per person towards the food cost We obviously hadn't taken any cash And were so embarrassed we didn't know where to look. Worse than when you forget your cash at a charity raffle. You know what I mean? So, my question is this.

If you are hosting an event, should people be expected to pay for themselves? Please keep me anonymous in case my pals get offended. Cheers. A bit of pre-warning would be nice. Yeah, that's my thoughts on it. That's not cool. Hey, everyone, come and have a barbecue at our house. Oh yeah that's that's my thoughts on that's not cool hey everyone come and have a barbecue at our house oh here's the bill yeah that's like 15 pound per head

have you ever sat down in a restaurant or sat have you ever sat down in a bar it used to happen a lot on holiday in the 90s you'd sit down in a bar and you'd order your drinks and then a bowl of olives and some breadsticks and some stuff would come and you'd go oh great and they'd be on the bill at the end and you'd be like what the hell's happened here that's a that's a friend version of that it's a bit can i first of all say as well we went to our friend's birthday barbecue and we took the obligatory flowers wine and beer that that's incredible that i know nobody brings flowers yeah hey if any of my friends are listening screw you i've never got I mean no they do bring beer around they do

flowers as well I've literally well the honesty honesty box fuck you if you're honest about it you'd have said it on the invitation

at the barbecue by the way bring some money no I'm sorry I'm not a part of that you're right though because

I'm not being funny when you have like a baby shower or an event like an occasion sometimes it is everyone's chipping in. Yeah.

You know? Pre-warning. Someone will go around and just take a little bit of money. But hang on a second, right? It's his fucking birthday. £15. Yeah. For a barbecue.

What were you having? Lobster. By the flipping sounds of it. £15 each. It's his birthday as well. Aye and aye. What kind of barbecue is this? I'm not enjoying this.

So hang on, right? Let's just do a bit of maths here, right? You're having a barbecue with your group of friends. Yeah. Say there's 15 or 20 of you there. What's that? How much? £300.

No. Take away £30 for the two people. No. That's ridiculous. You don't spend that much on a barbecue. That's craziness. What? Like what?

Salad, bit of potatoes, you know, couple of corn on the cobs, burgers. Honesty box. Should be called a dickhead box. Dickhead box. I'm not happy with that. I'm not happy with that. Whoever this is, email back in, send their address,

and I'll egg their house, and then I'll put the receipt for the eggs through the door and claim the money back off them. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Rosie and Chris, how would you approach this? We have lived in our house since September last year Since then Our neighbours across the road

Always walk around in their bedroom Naked I'm all for nakedness But I don't want to see her boobs Or them doing it Any longer They have curtains and they are never closed Wow I don't want to see her boobs or them doing it any longer. They have curtains and they are never closed.

Wow. In January, we had a baby. Our baby's room is right across from theirs and I don't like seeing them while feeling or changing. My baby is going to start noticing soon. What would you two do? Thanks. Oh, that's juicy. oh that's juicy um my first inkling is a little discreet note through the door i was gonna say i thought that anonymous and get somebody else to put it through like your mate so that they

couldn't have possibly seen you do it what when i was just sorry i was just thinking that you know when the guys come around with the menus for the local takeaway, just go, stick that in as well, will you? So the guy from the local pizza shop putting it in, they'll shit themselves. Yeah, just like... Oh, look, buy one, get one free. Oh, my God. Well, do you know my mum did that? Not about Nick.

My mum, bless her, she lives in a flat on a street. And when you live in a flat you prolifically get your bin nicked right so my mum keeps her bin nipping clean

right she cleans it out I've seen her she's retired she's got a whole lot to do who's cleaning that bin

she does and this is why she was getting annoyed because people were nicking her bin and it was coming back rotten and she was like

this is not on she wrote handwritten note to everybody in the street just kind it was lovely actually I read it

it was very much just kind of like please stop stealing my bin and keep your bins to yourself is this why my car gets keyed every time I go to your mum's

no but it worked bin's never been nicked since wow see I want to know the lines of sight for this house if it's just them

opposite that house and it could only be from them right oh no I've got it I've got it put the note through

say friendly you know friendly request or whatever friendly reminder friendly just pointing this out

we can see you are visible naked from your top window getting changed and having sex. Yours sincerely, a random passerby. Maybe. Or, no, I think it's a better idea. And they think someone just walked past.

Buy a few magazines, a pair of scissors, cut out all the letters we can see you doing it pack it in the toenail murderer stop doing the noise but yeah

it's gotta be something like that hasn't it yeah close your curtains when you're having sex unless you live with a field but yeah it's got to be something like that hasn't it yeah close your curtains when you're having sex unless you live with a field

like outside your window close your why would you do that close your curtains that's so weird I don't even like having the light on having sex

why would you keep your curtains up nobody do you know what I mean is it because I'm a weird crush it's time for this week's celebrity question and our question this week is from the lovely and talented but genuinely far too looking to be a comedian jewel domit i agree hello mr and mrs ramsey i hope you're well Big fans of both of you. It's so wonderful to be able to listen to you in a recorded format. My question to you both is,

at what point did your child become Geordie? At what point did it start to develop a Geordie accent? Is it starting now? Or is it earlier in life? Can you sense it in the sort of like, the goo-goo-ga-ga? I just wonder what age the accent starts. Love you both. Have a wonderful day.

Good Eve. It you both. Have a wonderful day. Good Eve. It. It. Joel, damn it, definitely refer to our child as it. Three times. Only a man with no children can refer to someone's male child, well documented, as it.

Brilliant. God damn it, it's good job. Good job, you're pretty jewel good job we love you um very love it i never thought this until you said it um i don't know when i spotted because people have said it on instagram and things and people say i love his little geordie accent and it did at first because you bit hiya hi with a baby, you do put a bit of a voice on at first, don't you? You're like, darling, and you kind of do a bit of RP, a bit of posh. And then it must be when they start picking up words from you that the Geordie accent starts.

I totally agree. Because I remember when he was really little, I'd be like, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, don't touch that. Really posh. But now I'm like,'t touch that. Really posh. But now I'm like, get off that. Pack it in. Fucking put that down.

Put it down. We do not say the F word, just to clarify. But no, he's a proper little Geordie now, isn't he? Yeah. Proper little Geordie warrior. It's when he puts like on the end of things. What's that do like? And I'm like, oh mate.

I'm like. Bless you. Just a little like on the end. Can we just say though, what's that do like and I'm like oh mate I'm like bless you just did a little like on the end can we just say though I haven't put it on my Instagram or anything yet but on holiday

we learned that Robin is amazing at doing accents crazy innit how good is he could I quickly put it on here do you think

possibly yeah I've got it on my phone hang on so I'm the same right so I can do accents but I can do if you speak to us with an accent

if you tell me exactly what to say in an accent and you do it I can mimic it immediately but if someone just goes oh speak an American accent now I can't

I need to be given something to say and I need to have just heard someone say that does that make sense yeah yeah and he seems to have the same sort of half talent

so yeah so around the pool on holiday, we were doing little accents and doing daft things and just getting them to say things. And we'd been talking about the fast show. And in the fast show, the old sketch show from, you know, back in the day, Paul Whitehouse does a character based on Michael Caine called Michael Payne.

Right? And this is Robin doing that. Here we go. My name is Michael Payne. Here we go. Morning, Mark and Pine. And I am a nosy neighbour. Honest, I'm a nosy neighbour. Can you say, Honest, sir?

Honest, sir. Say, alright. Alright. Say, calm down, calm down. Calm down, calm down. Calm down, calm down. Can you say, chip pussy? Chip pussy? Chip pussy.

So, our new thing now is to just get Robin to do loads of different accents. So he did Cockney and he did Scouse and he's three. We need to do loads more. Rosie, we're going to be millionaires. I wonder if he can do a Bristolian accent like the West Country. He could if he's three we need to do loads more oh Rosie we're gonna be millionaires I wonder if he can do a Bristolian accent

like the West Country he could he's another disagreeable yeah does she you can do it do it now for us

I am Cornish Cornish pasty anyone au revoir adios caliorixi

that's enjoy your meal in greek totally can't remember what bye is thank you for listening hold on, were you trying to do bye in spanish because we started it with hola yes I also can't remember what bye is in spanish

adios, yes there we go adios how did youanish adios yes there we go au revoir french adios um how did you do adios yeah yeah so i tell her i don't know anyway what is it in german uh avida zane avida zane right loads well that's that's the main ones yeah so next week on learn one word from each language half-arsely i just wanted to say goodbye In all different languages Thank you for listening Lovely Thanks guys

That was episode 20 As always if you want to get in touch It's shaggedmarriedannoyed At gmail.com And like and rate and subscribe And all of that Thank you for listening See you next week

Love yous Bye I don't love you I like you as a friend You're invited To an immersive listening party Led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation.

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