Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 202. Ding dong the crust is gone

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

The podcast starts this week with some self tan beef or is Rosie just melting? The pair catch up and discuss yet another hobby that Chris has taken up and Rosie is NOT happy. Chris revisits Rosie's jotters and the pair chat through some listener icks, an unfortunate pooh incident in a car and a seriously gross search story. Enjoy Smas and Das! To vote for the podcast and The Chris and Rosie Ramsey Show in this year's National Comedy Awards visit www.thenationalcomedyawards.com/ Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my urban-frubin... Oh, God.

Record-breaking husband, Chris Ramsey. Couldn't you see? Is that record-breaking to do with me work and me career or record-breaking to do with the fact that I've urban-frubed more than anyone else? That's the one. Just since last week, since I heard what it was. Yeah, yeah, you've been on it on a spree. Straight out there on a spree.

My mouth covered in sores looks like one of the things from The Last of Us. Just... So yeah, awful. Literally, again, if you haven't heard last week's episode,

you better go back and listen. We found out that Urban For Urban was basically some... You know what? I don't even want to mention what it is again. If you haven't heard it,

go back. It's one of them things, again, like the fishbowl with the bits of gob floating in it sometimes something hits a nerve with people and uh yeah and that seems to be a thing that's really upset people but if you if you are new to the podcast apologies forget all of that you don't listen you don't need to listen the back catalog it's all right it's canny but you don't have to and i hate it when people talk about stuff that's gone on on a podcast so let's stop bloke came to the house

today to pick something up right and I was talking to him outside and he said oh I love the podcast I love listening

big fan his name was Paul big shout Paul thanks Paul but Paul will hear this in about four years time because he said I love the podcast

he went but me and my wife only listen when we're on a long journey together because we don't like listening without it we don't have time to any other points in their life where they can listen to podcasts okay i went right i went you must have some catching up to do then he went mate

you've just come out with strictly oh and oh jesus oh he's got oh he's got a full pandemic you've got a global pandemic to come mate you've got you've got a roller coaster of emotions i don't think i could listen to that back no i, I don't think so. No. I was in a dark place. Very dark place. You were in a really dark place. Oh, I was in a dark place. 3-2 has cancelled. I was just quite medicated throughout the full thing.

Well, there we go. So. Wine. Oh, wine. I was going to say something I didn't know about. So there we go. So it's episode 202.

That's kind of. How exciting. We've finally started because I had to sit and wait for Rosie to finish a Freddo. Found it in a bag. Yeah, found it in a bag.

It was a caramel Freddo, wasn't it? You're still thinking about your teeth there. Yeah, sorry. Okay, fair enough. That's great. Okay, without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor.

This week's sponsor is... Urban Froobin'. No. This week's sponsor is... Froob. No. This week's sponsor is... Tubes. The rivalry. No. Anything yogurt. sponsor is... Fruits. No. This week's sponsor is... Tubes.

The rivalry. No. Anything yogurt. You're not going to like it. This week's sponsor is... The state of the toilet seat after she's put a fake tan on. Oh. Oh my fucking lord.

By she... I think he means me. I do mean you, but I also mean blokes out there who have wives and partners who put a fake tan on and then obviously you have to sit down to wee. Some men put fake tan on. Yes, but they don't have to sit down to wee. They sit down to shit though, don't they? Everyone sits down to shit.

Cowards. Cowards with no fucking bravery sit down to shit. Terrible quads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stand on the back of the toilet, sister and me. Not even on the round bit. I stand on the bit where the flush is. Drop it in. No, but seriously, it looks like someone made of chocolate has sat down on the toilet for too long on a hot day. It's disgusting. The whole white thing is just like... I'm really surprised it happened.

I don't know why. I've used the same tan for a long time and it hasn't done that before. You must have just tanned more of the back or whatever. Maybe I pissed on myself. Honestly, it looks like, and I'm going to get really disgusting here, I've done that before you must have just tanned more maybe I pissed on myself honestly maybe it wetted a little bit it looks like and I'm going to get really disgusting here

it looks like you know that scene in Ghost where they do the pottery and then they have sex it looks like straight after that instead of jumping in the shower she just went and sat in the bog and let the spunk drop out

into the toilet oh god and got all the pottery stuff all over her I said I was going to go dirty I said I was going to go dirty pottery stuff on the did they have sex straight after that

that yeah that scene it's a famous scene it is sex they're doing the sex on the scene i remember a lot of like from behind and caressing the pottery but i don't remember a sex scene i mean i don't know if the scene's in but i doubt they stopped they didn't look they were gonna stop i imagine the sex happened straight away you don't so hang on you've just paused in saying there's a sex scene where they're getting pottery dust all over them are you trying to dust

fucking clay fucking juice are you trying to claim that they don't have sex in that scene I can't remember

you know in what world would that scene lead to them going that's enough kissing let's get all this off alright fish and chips they obviously had sex

Christopher don't assume that people are just knocking it off wow left right and centre brilliant what was the song

oh don't don't don't I can't remember jingle jingle what was the song no no no

in your head you've got I will always love you haven't you and it's not I will always love you no I don't please don't no no no

guys jingle jingle jingle go put jingle on ok here's the jingle jingle nice one lads nice one everyone congrats don't. No, no, no, no, no. Guys, jingle, jingle, jingle. Go. Put jingle on. Okay, here's the jingle. Nice one, lads. Nice one, everyone. Congrats. Fuck, just googling it.

We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba. Jingle.

Jingle. Oh, my glove. My glove. Yeah. Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. That's the song. Right. I like to know these things.

Are you going to say Hello and welcome back Or are you just Hello and welcome back To the podcast It's lovely to have you both back Honestly Just Google that

And watch Love to have you both back We've got two listeners Oh I don't know what I'm saying Get off your laptop Looking at songs Concentrate on this Fair enough

This is the podcast This is it So there we go This is it Yes So you alright I am you know i'm good i'm actually good today had a bad day yesterday yeah yeah just uh just was miserable but i'm all right

today do you know what i'm really struggling at the minute with um when i'm with the kids i want to be away from the kids and when my mom comes to pick rave up when i go to school my mom gets rfe and I'm like oh I can breathe right get some work done blah blah during the day

I'm really sad until they come back because I miss them and then they come back and my mood is lifted and I'm like what is this

what the fuck is this life it's how they get you Chris I'd never it's how they get you I just can't understand it it's so it's so odd and then

i just sometimes think of like my old life before i had the kids and i just didn't feel any sort of guilt or anything i just didn't feel anything i could just do whatever i wanted go when i wherever i wanted get up whatever time i wanted obviously job allowing and now it's just it's mental but then at the same time i miss them and i'm sad when i'm not with them yep it's mental but then at the same time I fucking I miss them and I'm sad when I'm not with them yep it's an emotional rollercoaster

having kids is all the emotions it's all of the emotions turned up to fucking 15 it's crazy yeah anyway

and that's the thing if someone's like because I often think that when we first got together and we had days off work if I wasn't on tour and you didn't have anything what am I kidding

you did fuck all I had a job thank you very much I've always had a job until I had Robin part time I'm joking I'm winding you up

why do you do it though it's not funny you say these things I guarantee you on this comedy podcast there'll be people laughing out there just because you can't hear them

both of them as you said maybe in our normal life Chris at the minute has just been winding me up and I'm not in the mood for it he's been saying a lot of things

that have really hurt us recently that are meant and he's going I'm only joking he go well it was actually really well

right go on then so I didn't work so but you're being a lazy cow so as I was saying no

but there days the days where we'd have nothing to do you know listener you know yourself, when you had nothing, when you're young, early 20s or teens or whatever,

when you didn't have kids and you just, you'd watch a telly until really late at night and then the next day, if it was like a Sunday, you'd have a lazy Sunday and you'd lie.

If someone said to me now, like if my mum and dad were like, look, I'll have the kids and you just lie in bed watching telly all day, I wouldn't be able to do it. No, you can't. I'd feel weird.

I'd be like, I can't lie. Not that they would ever say you can lie in bed all day. They'd be like, they'd do the. I mean, not that they would ever say you can lie in bed all day. They'd be like, they'd do the normal thing of, you're doing the podcast a day in their night. Oh yeah, what work have you done today? What work have you specifically done today?

Because we've had the kids. What specific, fuck, stuff, man. Fuck off. Just stuff. I know. You only see them a couple of times a week, man. Get both our kids in full-time school.

That's what I'm saying. But then at the same time, please keep Rafe little because I don't want him to grow up oh it's just David sorry apologies to anyone who doesn't have children

I can imagine this being very weird and boring to listen to but it's it's just an emotional rollercoaster oh yes

big love to all the parents out there you're doing fine you're doing fine over the wall yes you're all doing fine because I feel

some days like I'm melting right well into a little pot of shit. Right, yes. I agree with the pot of shit bit. That might be that you start melting on the toilet. You start melting into a little pot of shit. Oh my pot of shit. My melted pot

of shit. It's a horrible thought. For your crunch. No crunch, not in melted shit. of shit it's a horrible thought for your crunch no crunch not in melt the chip

so listen guys we're sorry to ask because you always are so good and you always rally to

the cause and vote for whenever we ask you to vote for stuff we always ask and we're going to ask you again

we were on the long list for the national comedy awards for the tv show the christmas reality show and the podcast and now the long list for the National Comedy Awards for the TV show, the Chris and Rosie Ramsey Show, and Shag Mary Donori, the podcast.

And now the short list has been revealed. You lot voting like a bunch of legends, thank you so, so much, have got on the short list. And now even if you have voted, it's a new vote now. Please, please, please, please, please vote again. Oh, they're not going to. They are because they're awesome and know they will. Twice, fucking twice.

More than twice. Use all your email accounts. No, I'm saying, but if you'd voted already to get shortlisted, I would not be voting again. Do not fucking listen to this melted pot of shit next to me, everyone.

I know, but no, listen, I'm on your side. It takes two minutes. I'm on your side, listeners. I fucking wouldn't be bothering, but would really appreciate if you did, but just being honest here,

if I'd already voted, if I'd put my shit in that website, you have to put it in twice, yeah? Yeah. If I'd already voted, if I'd put my shit in that website, you have to put it in twice, and then if I had to do it again, I'd be like, fuck that. Right.

This is the worst, but honestly, we would really appreciate it. This is the worst advert for asking, literally, is there something we can do with this podcast

where your voice comes out of one headphone and mine comes out the other, and then in this bit, you can just skip back and just take the headphone out with Rosie on and just listen to

what I'm saying please vote it would be amazing if you voted we really would appreciate it Chris really wants to win again

I would love to I'd love to win it for the TV show I know don't get me wrong we're up against some absolutely blinded TV shows

on there yeah we're up against Graham Norton we're up against Graham Norton and Taskmaster Taskmaster Graham Norton

Bob Morton Paul Whitehouse's fishing thing yes it's mad that's pretty cool, isn't it? Yeah, it's amazing. So, yeah, and I'm not, look,

I'm not, controversially, right, I'm probably not allowed to say vote with all of your email accounts. All I'm saying is vote with all of the ones you remember the password for. Obviously, yeah. Okay, that you can actually, your old school Hotmail one

that was a load of letters and numbers, that's like one of the rappers that are out now. Vote with that one as well. Oh, we're going to mention thing the main that you spotted yesterday i did spot this yesterday yeah and i am very proud and honored that you are in the podcast in the podcast nomination category shortlist yeah and in the entertainment category you're the only woman i know you are the only Prop by rep In all the slags Lasses Lasses out there

Get behind it sisters She's the only woman Represented in those two Categories I know That's quite bad you know Rosie Thank you

Thank you Proud of you Well done Sisters This is a man's world Well not anymore It's not fucking not No

That's crazy actually But it's pretty cool Well done you Pretty cool Yeah Amazing stuff I mean you've had to Be on crazy actually, isn't it? But it's pretty cool. Well done you. Pretty cool. Yeah, amazing stuff. I mean, you had to be on my coattails to get there

but it is awesome that you're there and yeah, to be fair, sisters, get behind her, get her voted for. He's desperate to win this.

It'd be lovely. He is desperate to win this. You just won it twice, didn't you? Because that's pretty cool. If we win it, because we won it. We'll have three of them trophies

if we win it. That would be nice. The trophy's awesome. Well, actually, right, here's another thing. Sorry that we're still talking about this but we need two of them trophies. That would be nice. The trophy's awesome. Well, actually, right, here's another thing. Sorry that we're still talking about this, but we need two of them because if we ever split up,

who's having them? Who's having them? Oh, but if we get three, who's having the third one? Sandra. That is a fair point. She doesn't love it. She doesn't love this relationship.

Go on then. I'll have that. Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks, Dan. Someone will have that. So there you go. So why not vote? Because you love the podcast, because we love that. Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks, Dan. Someone will have that. So there you go. So why not vote? Because you love the podcast, because we love you.

Thank you very much. And for the TV show. And for feminism. He's clutching at scrubs, yeah. What about that? He's purely clutching. Listen, lads out there, all the ones who, after the ceremony, we'll go home

and Rosie will have me tea on the table. Am I right? Am I right, guys? Am I right? No right guys am I right no yeah Rosie not everyone's a feminist I've got to win I've got to win

not everyone's a bastard well some bastards are they've got email accounts they might have loads that is true everyone can have an email account the tea will be on the table when I get in from the

from the award ceremony egg chips and beans yeah and I'll throw the first lot in the bin and say it's not done properly and she'll do it again. Yeah, there I will.

So there we go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Question, Christopher. Why do our children call oranges suck boys? It's really strange. Where has that come from? I don't know.

And why do I now say to my seven-year-old son in the morning, would you like a suck boy with your toast? Yeah, and it's a large, it's a large orange, one of theyear-old son in the morning, would you like a Suck Boy with your toast? And it's a large orange, one of the massive ones you get from the shop, right? And you cut it up into eight segments. And it was because when he was little, he just used to suck them.

And I don't know who named them. I wasn't part of this. I remember coming in and it was like Suck Boys. And I was like, I beg your fucking pardon. I've got a memory of Suck Boy. Suck Boy. I feel like I've I've started this

right and it's just carried on for years so now it's like dad can I have a suck boy and I'm like there was a decorator in the other day

and Robin's like can I have a suck boy and I'm like that sounds really fucking weird shouting that and now Rafe well Rafe doesn't really speak

but soon he'll be he'll be like suck boy suck boy is that Rafe's voice Rafe's voice is terrible. Have you heard his voice? It's very weird the way he says yes. Yuck.

Do you want some milk? Yuck. Do you want to be us? Yuck. What do you say? Hi-goo. No it's lower than that. He goes fuck you. When he wakes up in the morning he wants Dougie on in the bedroom I shared the bed with Rafe last night

because he tortures you all night but he only tortures me from about 5 o'clock so it's a little bit more bearable I mean I still hated it but he wakes up and he just slaps us across the face where mama? where Rara? where mama?

where Rara? Dougie? telly? Dougie? just slaps us across the face we're where mama where rah rah rah rah's Robin where mama where rah rah a doogie telly doogie oh fuck yeah man it's five o'clock man shut up so do you remember this morning when I came

you came and got me at six o'clock you just banged on Robin's door going you need to come it's horrible I was like right okay

good morning I put this at one point right yeah no mate mate I know you've only been doing this for about three nights. Well, that's all right.

I don't like it. I don't like it. I went in the bedroom and I was like, what time do you get up? He went, you got up at five o'clock. I want to die. Yeah, that's exactly what I said. Oh, you are so ridiculous. I've been doing this for years.

I'm not good on no sleep. Piece of shit. I'm not good on no sleep. No, you're not. You're really not. He's obsessed with his dummy and I don't have the strength to not

give him it I was a lot stricter with Robin and his dummy like he just wouldn't have it all the time but with Rafe

I'm just he's more whingy though he's more whingy and then when he's not whinging Robin's like oh he's not whinging

I'll make him whinge well annoying but he says Dodie so he just looks at you and he just puts his little puppy dog eyes and he goes Dodie Dod he says Dodie so he just looks at you and he just puts his little puppy dog eyes and he goes

Dodie Dodie Mama Dodie Dodie Mama Dodie and then

the other week Robin was asking for sweets and he was going please please and then Rave just came behind him going please

please so now it's Mama Dodie please and I just go here you are here you go it's called emotionaloday babe and I just go here you are here you go

it's called emotional blackmail what that kid's doing yep he's not daft he's not daft when he cries you know and there's nothing really wrong with him

real tears yeah yeah and I'm like there's nothing wrong with you you're he's gonna be an actor oh fuck he's gonna be an actor

this morning he absolutely fleeced both of us I didn't realize he'd done it he dragged me to the cupboard oh this is another thing he grabs fleeced both of us I didn't realize he'd done it he dragged me to the cupboard oh this is another thing he grabs your hand

and takes you takes you to the food takes you to the cupboard where the food is yeah and he dragged me he took us along and he pointed up the cupboard and I'm like

no you can't have anything he was like fuck sakes I opened the cupboard and he wanted a little fruit bar yeah and he pointed at the fruit bar and I went

go on then you can have a fruit bar and he was like and he had it I went out to do some stuff right to like get ready and life I came back in

and you were like he's just had a fruit bar and I went yeah just give him a fruit bar and you went oh I'll give him a fruit bar so he finished his fucking fruit bar

from me and saw you and was like oh yeah comes another mug alright love any chance of a fucking fruit bar

around here I couldn't give a shit honestly couldn't give a shit. Honestly. Couldn't give a shit. What a little totter. Just lives off brioche, that fucking kid. Honestly, he's full of bread.

It's like a fucking pork duck in the 90s. Bloated and full of fucking bread. Yeah, you can't feed them bread anymore. Peas, give them peas. Frozen peas. Isn't that dead sad?

Don't you feel guilty of the amount of stuff that we used to do without realising? Oh, yeah, yeah. Smoking on planes. I mean, I used to do without realising smoking on planes I mean I used to smoke duck

on planes so after a double terrible but how bad is that the amount of ducks that I've fed every weekend you know Marine Park killing off the ducks

duck murderer lads stop the podcast lads we've got her we've got her again lads duck murderer take her away

take her away take her away take her away she's a psycho man she's bloody quackers eh nah come on

well you've lost half the vote you've lost half the vote there I'm trying to pat my own back I don't know disgusting there we go

disgusting you're patting my own back Horrible Horrible Fantastic Hey The beak on her Come on

Who is this guy Yes Okay so very very exciting times on the podcast here What Very exciting I've teased it I did it once And then I lost them somehow

Oh shit I forgot about this And I've teased it It's Rosie's once and then I lost them somehow. I've teased it. It's Rosie's Jotters. Rosie's Jotters. Rosie's Jotters. What you jattin' Rosie? What you got jattin' in your jatters? That'll do. As far as off the cuff jingles go, very well done. What you got jattin'? What you jattin'? What you jattin'

today Rosie? That's enough. That's enough. That's enough. Stop. Listen, when this all goes to shit right, I'm gonna be a jingler. That's enough. That's enough. Stop. Listen, when this all goes to shit right, I'm going to be a jingler. I'm going to write jingles and I'm going to do all that stuff. I'm going to be like Jack Black in the holiday. Right. Is that what he does? Great.

He actually does background music. Okay, now I've found so many little gems in all of these and I can't just fire them all onto one podcast so I'm just going to do a little bit, right?

Well, long time listeners to the podcast and people who've read the book and stuff will know that this box of jotters and school books came to my bungalow

that I had, the one story glory. Rosie, you lived with your mum at the time and then I said, do you want to move in with us? You lived with us for six months but I was like,

do you want to make it official? Which in your head meant, oh yeah, I'll go and get a loft full of shit and put it in your garage because I'm from a broken home Christopher my parents split up

from the three bed semi that we grew up in they're both living flats now they don't have the room for all of our shit right but oh god forbid but I want to keep hold of it their loss was my gain

because I got all of this fucking cack now so so previous listeners will know that there was a Spice Girls section of one of your jotters

where you and your friends were dressing up as Spice Girls and there was also is the now what I would say literary classic Water is Blue, Water is Blue, Water is Woo Hoo yeah what I've realised is while having a good read through these

so that's Water poem on one page now I went over the other page and the Water poem has actually been improved and finished that's actually incredible for me do you want to hear the Water poem? I've just added to it it's a new one, so Water is Blue, Water is Blue, Water is Blue

obviously you went and showed your teacher and it's not blue, it's got no colour and you went right back to the drawing board I actually did enjoy this okay you ready yeah yeah water water fresh and clean has been through a machine to get clean it goes up in the air into the clouds and comes back down again to the ground. Okay, I see you moaning and groaning. I see you didn't understand. So sit up straight and listen,

and I'll tell you once more. Water, water, fresh and clean. Water, water, been through a machine to get clean. That's just her clapping. It doesn't even rhyme. Am I talking about precipitation? Or am I talking about a machine? I think you're talking about the water cycle

going to reservoirs and stuff. Right, great. I mean, it's gobbledygook. How old am I there? What year is this? Year six, but still. For at least 11. Next page is almost entirely blank

apart from right at the top. For no reason, it just says the little person on the Monopoly game that's all it says on that really can't make head

and tail of that then then it's pages and pages of like sums but with money

and it makes no sense until I get to the point of where this Spice Girl thing that you did with your friends where you named everyone right oh my god

if I got who's who could I because you don't remember that yeah yeah it was Nat as Mel B as Katie Pice

Arzine as Sporty Spice Ashley as Jerry your Victoria Posh Spice terrible casting we've talked about

this and Lou Lou I don't know who that is is Emma right okay I've always wanted to know that

now what I figured out by reading further is what you did was it wasn't a Spice Girls thing. It was a Spice Girls fashion show. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

The O6 fashion show. Yeah. So it says here, we are the Spice Girls and we will be selling our spicy clothes just for you. So free your mind and spend your money because we are funny. Take it or leave it.

Lunatic. So as you see, so this must be the script for the fashion show, right? As you see, Mel B is in leather pants, £89.99. Fucking hell. Crazy for the 90s, that. Leather, £89.99.

Babe, I got that wrong. A red, black and white crop top, £25.99. Sounds hideous. Azeen's sporty, so she's in Adidas pants, £39.99. Crazy. Crop top, £26.99. Adidas jumper, £36.99.

You're not going to see the crop top. I can't imagine that we bought these things. I'm so confused as to why this price is... Ashley, sparkly dress. Sparkly dress, £91.99. Glossy tights, £6.50 So she saved a few quid there Who'd have thought I was shopping on Net-A-Porter

In year 6 In Louis Vuitton So this must be what you said For one of them, and it's written down We'll end on this for this episode of Rosie's Jotters Here's Scary Spice Coming down the catwalk Wearing a red lace halter neck for one of them and it's written down. We'll end on this for this episode of Rosie's Jotters. Here's Scary Spice coming down the catwalk wearing a red lace

halter neck brackets which is top of the fashion list. You know the fashion list? You know the fashion list? I'm not the fashion list. Are you cool enough

to know the fashion list? Well, if you, look, you might not get it, right? You're being uncool but there is a fashion list and this is top.

This is top of the fashion list. What you're wearing is middle bottom. What you're wearing right now is middle bottom of the fashion list. This, this I'm talking about is top. This is top of the fashion list. It costs £69.99. Jesus Christ. And her leather pants, which were £89.99.

This is my favourite bit. And her leather pants, which were £89.99. This is my favourite bit. And her leather pants, which cost £89.99. And for all those animal lovers out there, it's not made out of animals. Now, listen, I don't want to ruffle any feathers here. I think that might have been my line. I don't want to ruffle any feathers here or upset anyone. But if I my lines. I don't want to ruffle any feathers here or upset anyone, but if I'm paying £89.99 for leather pants

and they're not made out of animals, I'm fuming. For £89.99 in the mid-90s, I want animal death on my hands. Where have I got £89.99 from? Oh, God. Oh, hey. That's just absolutely wonderful. What a day. I've got such a...

Bear in mind, I don't have that many memories of when I was younger. That fashion show really stuck in my head. Bear in mind, bear in mind, I don't have many memories. I don't.

Famously, famously, I don't have many memories. Not of when I was a kid. Yeah. I can't really remember, only certain things. I don't remember loads of stuff.

Don't have many memories. But I really remember that fashion show. Have't remember loads of stuff but I really remember that fashion show have we talked about this this will blow your mind do you know

apparently when you remember something you're only remembering the last time you remembered it you've told me that before and that really upset us

the first time I heard that second time it upset us even more but you're only remembering I'm only remembering the memory of the

memory that I probably made up in my head yeah you're apparently only remembering the memory of the memory that I probably made up in my head. Yeah. That's sad. You're apparently only remembering the last time you remembered it. Well, I also remember a lot of my siblings' memories

as me own. Right. Greedy. No, it's true. Is that because you've not got many memories? You've been borrowing theirs? Possibly. There's stuff that happened to Kate

that I'm like, yeah, I did that. And I'm like, oh no, it wasn't me. Misremembering it. It was her. Mum, I want more memories where was her what do you want off Santa Rosie memories

I want some memories why haven't I got any memories and listen so that was that was the that was the next installment of Rosie Jars

I found so many things there's a little a little description of yourself there's a story with a plot there's a description of myself

there's a little description of yourself in one of them there's a story with the plot outlined good story and there's also and there's also story with a plot. It's a description of myself. There's a little description of yourself in one of them. There's a story with the plot outlined. Good story. And there's also and there's also

the cancelable thing that we'll do on the very last episode of Rosie's Jars. Why are you going to get me cancelled? Because I just, you know, I want that line up.

I want that line up of the Comedy Awards shortlist to be all men. All men. I need you out of there. What could it be that's cancelable? Don't worry about it.

Sexist? We'll find out. We'll find out. There's What could it be that's cancelable? Sexist? We'll find out. We'll find out. There's only a certain amount of people who'd want you cancelled for it. I don't know what it could be. The prey that you got cancelled. That's a clue. I don't know what it could be.

More on the next episode of Rosie's Gobbledygook Jotters. Can't wait. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe-Hirwe, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece. Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind.

So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

Only in theatres Friday. Get tickets now. It's time for What's Your Beef? It's time for What's Your Beef? Beef. In it. Right. Wow.

Okay. Ladies first. Me first? Yeah. Okay. Are we going to get down to the nitty gritty? Oh God. Hooks and bones of it

that's not that's not a phrase I forgot what it was yeah you've got yourself a new hobby haven't you yes

got yourself a little hobby 36 year old two children I wonder when this was gonna come up got yourself a little hobby that em how many times

you been going three times a week as many as I can listen they're all thinking it are you having an affair well annoyingly I know he Are you having an affair? Well, annoyingly, I know he's not having an affair because I've seen the icky picture of the class that he's been going to

with two of our other friends as well. Wow. So he's either all having an affair or he's actually going. Do you want to tell them all about it? Well, maybe all of the people who are having an affair, we all meet up at this place and we all quickly hire a gay and a white belt on and pretend, get a big class photo of them. We all go off and do affairs

shagging yeah go on then do you want to tell everyone about your new hobby I have never been so chastised and I'm going to say it

bullied for trying to enjoy myself don't care no no sorry where's my enjoyment where's my hobby

right because you no Chris no no you haven't got a leg to stand on I haven't thought about having a hobby since I gave birth seven years ago. It's just not a thing that I'm allowed to have.

Well, that's your fault. Wow. Find something. You always knew I was a jiu-jitsu guy. You always knew I was a Brazilian jiu-jitsu guy. Don't add more. Do not. Latch onto this.

No, don't add guy to it. It's my new fad. You can't fuck me you are pathetic you knew when you married me that I was a weapon

of huge grossness danger I don't know what I'm trying to say listen right I did it years ago before the Baines were born

and I really enjoyed it and because of work I couldn't do it anymore are you going to say what it is it's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu oh yeah yeah in the gi

and out of the gi and I'm really loving it you're so jealous i'm not jealous i'm hate me having fun no okay right i was joke all of that was jokes right i think it's great that you found something that you love and i'm honestly i'm thrilled for you because it's really good and i know it helps you mountain health and all that kind of stuff because as you know chris suffers from anxiety so i'm i'm always up for yeah it doesn't sound like it tell them tell them tell them what time your hobbies tell them what time tell them what time your hobbies on a sunday morning nine o'clock on a sunday morning right two children right nine o'clock on a sunday morning have the main ish have has your main issue with this come about because the last couple of Saturdays

you've been out on the piss on the Saturday night nothing to do with the children just something to do with a hungover woman well there's also

that as well because we both need nights out social lives and I don't want to have to get up with the kids the next day

or if I do I want to just be able to be two of with her so I can sit and relax not have to look after them myself

very selfish very selfish there's me trying to learn a skill trying to learn a martial art for my mental health for my physical health do it in your own time

I just want to go out with my friends and sit in my own shelf the next morning you have got a really really flexible work life

I thought you were going to talk about my posture and that because it is getting better I can imagine my flexibility you know my core strength my grip strength

hey I lifted a radiator the other day no bother great good for you dead proud of you love it shout out to everyone at SBG South Shields

loving it lads lads lads you've got loads of time and by the way I'm glasses you came to my friend's house the other day because I had both the kids

and you came to pick Robin up because the kids it's Angela and Steph and all the kids are really young so Robin comes bless him and he's just like why am I here with all these babies he's sick of his life so you came to pick Robin up because the kids it's Angela and Steph and all the kids are really young so Robin comes bless him and he's just like why am I here

with all these babies right he's sick of his life so you came to pick him up straight after don't come to my friend's house with your mangy horrible BJJ trousers on

because I was really embarrassed they were my gi trousers right that SBG they've got a big gorilla on them the bright blue the horrible the bright blue

you dare you dare slag off my gi don't come and pick us up anymore that is it that is it don't come and pick us up anymore that is it that is it don't come around I'll happily not come

to pick the kids up I don't listen right let's get the end of this I don't mind you having a hobby I think it's great please just don't do it

on a weekend do it when the like bedtime no not bedtime do it once the kids are in bed

or during the day during the week because you have got time I went last night 8 o'clock brilliant perfect great

went there trained 8 or 9 with the lads in the gym undid all of that good work you've got a pizza on the way home horrendous I was going to say that

you're not doing it for fitness really no no no I do everything else for fitness you know bike guy peloton track guy gym guy that's all for the fitness and then that's just Fitness, really? No, no, no. I do everything else for fitness. You know, a bike guy, peloton track guy,

gym guy. That's all for the fitness. And then that's just a little bit. So what is it? Judo, gang? Is it judo? How dare you? Jiu-jitsu. Jiu-jitsu.

How dare you? Although we did do hip tosses the other day, which is fun. Oh, God. And then he comes home and tells us all about it. And honestly, I want to die. The phrase talking to a brick wall

has never been more, like the glaze, you glaze over when I talk to you about it I just can't wait for you to see all the hobbies I'm going to start yeah

because I will I will I'll join a class spiteful retaliation hobbies absolutely very good yeah and I'll probably not enjoy them

yeah no you won't you'll all be asked to go you lazy piece of shit listen speaking about you being a lazy piece of shit oh great

my beef with you this week right my beef with you isn't that enjoying yourself and you know helping your mental health and having a lovely little hobby that's not my beef with you because I'm a nice person my beef with you just wait until the kids are a bit older

no I'm 36 man if I started when I'm 40 what the hell Rosie I went last night I'm going to be honest with you I'm in pain today I'm in pain right we did Americana arm locks and triangle chokes last night night I'm going to be honest with you I'm in pain today I'm in pain right we did Americana arm locks and triangle chokes last night

and I'm telling you I'm in agony right the lad big shout out I can't remember his name but the lad who I was doing it with I don't think he knew who I was

it was quite embarrassing when they ended someone went at you Chris Ramsey and he went who and I'd literally been with him for an hour works at Ocado actually works at Ocado so good lad to know

very posh they do that up here? I think so he was from around here yeah I didn't think Ocado actually works at Ocado so good lad to know very posh they do that up here I think so he was from round here yeah I didn't think Ocado delivered round here that's interesting

love that that's all you've took from me me Brazilian it's all I'll ever take because I hate hearing about it that's it Americanos

in bloody what they're called they sound like quality streets ridiculous what triangles in Americana what a load of shit

anyway look I'm hurting and what my point is if I start doing it when I'm 40 I'm going to be that 40 year old guy who goes no offence to 40

oh fucking hell I hate having such a huge audience with some 40 year olds going to listen and get fucking upset listen you know what I fucking mean

right you know what I mean my body I'm making a day listen my brief view is so many times so many times your mum will take Ralph mom will take uh rave i'll

rob enough if your mom's got free this is the scenario if your mom's got the kids right and i'll be something like i'll be like uh right can you ask your mom if uh if she's for example i go can you ask your mom if she's bringing rave back or if i'm going to get him you go yeah yeah and i'll go right have you asked your mom and you go well i've texted her and i'll go okay you've texted her has she texted you back no she hasn't texted us back i don't know if she gets me texts right will you ring her i'll text her again rosie i need to know if i'm going or not if she's coming here wait and i swear this is every time and then you know what happens do you know what happens nag? Nag and nag and nag and nag and nag.

And you ring her. And you go, hiya, ma'am. She goes, hiya. And you go, have you got me text? I've texted you. And she goes, you know, I haven't got your text. Every time, every time I need you to contact your ma'am for something, you go, I've texted her.

I don't think she's got me text. You ring her. You go, have you got me text? And she always goes, I think there's something wrong with me phone. I didn't get your text. Oh, yeah, there's something wrong on my phone i didn't get your text oh yeah there's something wrong stop texting her then stop texting her every time every time oh the decorators are downstairs the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result and every i've texted her i've texted her. I've texted her. Right, okay.

She got me text. Hiya, mum. Did you get me text? Yeah, I didn't get it. She didn't get it. Right. Okay, let's break this down, right? You suffer from anxiety, okay?

Quite badly, right? Everyone's really away here. You do. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah. Goods and bads. Yeah. Good moments and bad moments.

I don't like making phone calls. To your own mother? Yeah. Why? I don't like making phone calls to your own mother yeah I don't like I don't like ringing people I don't know why I don't know what's wrong

with us just don't like it don't like phone calls so I would rather text I put this to you in front of the court if you don't like ringing people

people pickles pickles if you don't like ringing people and you really don't like it mum included why

every single time you leave the house without fail do I get a phone call two seconds later you are an exception I'm somehow immune

to that look put me in that pile of people who don't like to ring I love to ring me mum

it's not maybe you've caught us out it's an excuse I just can't be honest to ring her I just text I don't know why

I don't know what your problem is she doesn't get me text actually I don't know why she doesn't get me text I think her phone's broke but still

sometimes she does I've heard this a million times I've heard this a million times it's like bird call it's like bird sound outside it's just part of the background god almighty

I watched Bird Box for the first time the other day. I can't stop thinking about it. Bird Box. It was really, really good. Number two. They make number two. I do that. Is it going to be out soon?

I don't know. Because I do that quite often, you know. I'll not watch something first time around, and then I'll watch it, and then they'll make a new one, and it makes us feel good, cool. Because I go, have they done that?

Because I've just watched that. You think the people at Netflix have been sitting waiting for your account to ping on Bird Because I go, have they done that? Because I've just watched that. You think the people at Netflix have been sitting waiting for your account to ping on Bird Box and go, just watched it, everyone. Green light the sequel. Green light the sequel. Of all the arrogant things you've ever said, of all the arrogant things you've ever said in your life.

I just mean it's coincidental, isn't it? It just means you're very late at the party to the point of where you will watch something when a sequel's already in the works. Well, somebody told me it was really scary. And I hate horror films. We both hate horror films. Somebody told me it was really, really scary.

So I put off watching it. And then I watched it when I was on the treadmill and I bloody loved it. Actually, that was really irritating. That should be one of my beefs. You were in the gym. Yeah. I say gym.

It's a room in my house. We've got a room with a bench and some treadmills. it's pretty shit you were in there at the same time as me listen i've worked very hard call it a gym it might be a room with a bike and a treadmill and a little bench in and yes i do have to move that bench every time i do anything because i hit the wall or i hit the bike i've worked very hard in my life you take that back now and you call that room a gym it's a home gym and I'll have nothing said against it. Right? Yes.

It's glorified, Gary. Yes, I can't open the door. Yes, I can't open the door when I'm doing some weights because I'll hit something. And yes, if I open the other one, if I open the window, it'll smash.

You have worked very hard. It's a gym. It's a goddamn fucking gym. Do you want to call it a gymnasium? No. Gym, right. So what was I saying? I was in there.

I was in the gym. Yeah. The game. And you were in there at the same time as me doing you doing you wait and you kept coming over in looking at the screen when I was running and going oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I was irritating waiting for the Tom Holland a bit spoiler alert if you're one of the people who's there waiting for the sequel to get greenlit for bird box before you watch the first one but it's when Tom Hollander Hollander

not spider-man not Spider-Man the other guy brilliant actor when he comes in and he's it's when he holds that woman against the window and oh

I don't want to give too much away it's fucking great it's a very good film they're both really good actors with very very similar names Tom Hollander love shit like that both British

both British could be father and son they're not no they're not but they could be yeah so there you go yeah I watched Tom Holland in what else did I watch Both British. Both British. Could be Father and Son. They're not. No, they're not. But they could be. Yeah. So there you go.

Yeah. I watched Tom Holland in, what else did I watch? The Impossible. That was pathetic, by the way. Don't run to that. Rosie was on the treadmill watching The Impossible, the thing about the fucking tsunami.

I've never seen anything like it. Chris. I thought it was sweat. It was tears. I was weeping. Weeping. It was actually, it was horrendous,

to be honest with you. You looked like you were running away from a bomb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Felt like that. You looked like you were running away from a bomb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Felt like that. You looked like you were running away from that tsunami, God bless you. If you haven't seen it, it's brilliant. Watch it.

It's really, really good. Next week on Rosie's Reviews of Films That Have Been Out For Bastard Fucking Years. What's the big sequel coming out? The Godfather and Jaws. It's time for questions from the public. Guys, as always, if you'd like to get in touch,

hit stop that. It's shagmodeannoyed at gmail.com. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your input. We bloody love it. Thank you. Never stop.

I've got some eggs. I just love them. We get sent so many. Go, go, go, go, go. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I have two eggs from my long-term boyfriend, so please keep me anonymous

long-term boyfriend there so please keep me anonymous. Yes. The first is he wears a shower cap every single time he is in water. He even wears it in the bath. How long is his hair? Wow. Well, we don't know what kind of hair he's got. It might be an absolute nightmare to wash.

In his defense. Really big, long hair. Might be really thick. But still. I need a. With your really big long hair. Might take a long, might be really thick. But still. I need a shower cap, you know. Right. I might purchase one.

Oh, this is costly. My Kate uses one all the time. I'm losing money hand over fist here with you finding out about stuff you need. How much are shower caps? Oh, they'll be, oh my God,

probably like two pounds. You're paying for it. Yeah, I'll come out of my bank. Yeah. Like everything else does. Actually. Yeah. That's an off podcast conversation

brilliant the second one yes is he wears a t-shirt with nothing on the bottom we've spoke about this before but this really made me laugh the next bit

so he does that you don't do that thank god it's the toddler on holiday look it gives me child at the beach vibe yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah sun's a bit much but just let me just no no no water nappy just let me walk about but stick a little t-shirt it's that you've had too much sun on your shoulders yeah yeah afternoon toddler and alcudia look yeah or your dad's t-shirt yeah yeah yeah yeah well brave was wearing robin's t-shirt everyone stopped doing it it's disgusting i don't know why i don't know why you would do it.

Walk around with your knob and arse and bollocks hanging out I've never ever seen it. None of my boyfriends have ever done that. It's ridiculous. Swap it.

Just put some boxers and leave your top off. What's wrong with you? Or do both. Why are you doing one or the other? Yeah, fully naked's better. Fully naked is actually better than just t-shirt

with knob popping on the bottom. Yeah, it really is. It really is. Stop it, stop it, stop it. It makes us want to be sick everywhere. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Just been chatting with a girlfriend, got onto the subject of cycling,

thought it'd be good to send in, you know, with Bike Guy. Bike Guy, that's me. Anyway, I asked if she could ride a bike, to which she said she failed her cycling proficiency test. Yes, the one you have to do at the end of primary school and hasn't ridden a bike since. Ick. She hasn't done it?

So because she failed her cycling proficiency, she was like, that's me done, and thinks that she's not allowed to ride a bike now? Oh, was that not the rules? No, it was just... It was pretty strict. I remember, right, the cycling proficiency in school take your mind

that was fun the one that taken you back to school how mid was that oh yeah everyone in the yard after school corns out

corns go around the corns on your bike I've always got that look for it that's good I might tell Robin you'll get buzzing about that

he'll ask every day no no yeah don't tell him don't tell him because he will go is it today and he'll go in the teacher and he'll go

when am I doing that five years time year six yeah that was so much fun god take me by oh brilliant it was quite strict though

and if you I think if you failed it was a bit like you shouldn't be on the road that's off you think a cop is going to pull you pull you over

excuse me have you got your cycling licence and cycling proficiency certificate and insurance documents please that's how I remember

feeling when I did mine I mean I passed with flying colours but yeah who are they failing on the cycling proficiency that is a bit of a construct isn't it

it's so grim failed confiscate your bike collect the corns in who are they doing that to that is so bad I don't think you can feel that emailing if you feel just like the proficiency and if you've never if you've never rode a bike

since through fear of law enforcement cracking down on you that's a never rode a bike since i could have been i could have been a world beater i could have cycled everywhere but i failed me cycling proficiency i failed me cycling proficiency. I failed my cycling proficiency, I got a bus pass and I just gave up on life. Imagine at Centre Parcs trying to hire a bike. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not. If you hired the bike for me at Centre Parcs, I can't go in. I'll wait in the corner because I failed my cycling proficiency and they'll know. They'll have a photo of us

up in the shack like Pub Watch. Do not lend a bike to these people who failed their cycling proficiency oh are you gonna get back on your bike this summer uh in between jiu-jitsu and gym and all the other stuff that i'm the guy of uh yes daytime drinking just to add just to add to that beef as well everybody listening, Chris went out on the piss at half past one on the Saturday. So he went out on the piss, daytime drinking, missed bedtime,

came home just after. That was hilarious. When he went to me, he went, I'm coming home early. And I went, what time you want to be in for eight? I was like,

both kids will be in bed. So go fuck yourself. I'd rather you came in at 11 o'clock at night. It's almost like I planned it. And then you, I'm not getting on it anymore because it's really upsetting.

What? That I went out during the day? Just that you've got in life. It was a spin. And I'm not getting on it anymore because it's really upsetting what? that I went out during the day? just that you've got in life it was a and I don't there it is there it is there it is

babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Chris and Rosie long time listener I love listening mainly because every week Chris has a beef with Rosie that I can totally relate to and just think

yes mate exactly the same here yes my brother good luck though it's still the same here 26 years later. Great. So go fuck yourself actually. I don't expect anything to change with these beefs I'll be honest with you.

We'll just see them, we'll get it out there and then you know it's out there but I don't, most things don't change. I don't think you could ever marry someone who's exactly like you unless you marry your brother and actually no he's nothing like me. Good chat. A little argument with ourself there go on

is anyone really in a perfect relationship no no never no such thing give and take constant work

and graft and you know it's okay we'll all be dead soon so great anyway onto the reason

of sending this over happy to remain anonymous my other half is an avid listener but she'll know it's her and that's all that matters. Excellent. First, the ick. As part of her ritual in the morning, my lovely fiancée, in brackets, engaged for 16 years. Got to keep her on our toes.

Yep, yep. Awful. Always let her know. Leave that door open. Leave that doorjar. Just snip out at any time. She will wander over to the dresser straight out of bed and give her hair a quick brush.

Okay. Okay. What happens next raises a little bit of bile to the back of my throat though. Ooh. She will then use the same said hairbrush to give her vag a good scratch.

You are joking me. No way. Think a bear coming out of hibernation and having a good scratch against the nearest tree. I love it. As a scratchy vag person as well. But a brush, that's a bit much isn't it though, a brush. Am I going to try it later?

Oh God. Am I going to try it? I'm so glad I don't brush my hair. Do you know what, I think I've said this before, I haven't brushed my hair for years. Yeah don't think yeah that's so i'm so jealous of that i hate brushing my hair i'm not joking right when i was uh when oh i'll tell you exactly when and i may have said this i hope i haven't when um let's get ready to rumble came out and that album psych by pg and duncan psych yeah that was what the album's called when i got that tape

for christmas cd was out but i didn't have a cd player when i got that tape for christmas cd was out but i didn't have a cd player when i got that tape i also got a red and black foldable brush the ones that pop open you pop it open and they did have a mirror yeah the mirrors on the handle yep yep and i used that as the microphone to sing in the house on my own when i was doing let's get ready to rumble and doing the dance um that is the last hairbrush i owned and that's the last time i brushed my hair i've never brushed my hair since then that's insane i've been about eight wow so there you go i brush the kids hairs never brush me hair what are you gonna do nothing there's nothing i can do but if i ever if i ever see you if you ever fucking ever see you

near my hairbrush well only for me balls and arse. Balls, arse and gooch. Now that I've heard that, it's the way to wake up in the morning. Don't. That's what they say. Some people are jumping in cold showers in the morning. This lass has got it sorted. Get up, brush the hair, brush the vag. Happy days.

I can't wait, mate. I'm going to have a good scratch. Scratch the old vag. I'm going to have a shot. It says here, though, what makes it even worse is she'll then brush our two daughters' hair with the same brush. Oh, for God's sake. Well, I didn't know.

Is she doing skin on skin, Vag? Or is she just doing over the pants? Over her jama pants? I mean, the thought still counts, doesn't it? I think over pants is fine. No. Satisfying. Through some thin jamas.

I don't know. I can't wait to try. But I think down your pants, that would probably hurt a bit. Maybe. Yeah. Depends. To the person who commented on my Instagram saying don't use shower gel on your bits.

Like I know you're not meant to but if I don't you just smell rotten. It's self-cleaning. It's not. It's not Chris. I've tried it. I went a week without using

any shower gel on my vag and I fucking stunk. So I do think you have to use a bit of soap. This took me by surprise I'll be honest with you. I've tried it. I've literally tried it.

Because I thought, oh it's self-cleaning. Your body cleans itself. Self-cleaning like an oven. That's what everyone's... Your paralytic vag will clean itself. If you just run it up really get really hot. Your discharge will just go into

burnt little bits and you sweep it up no I've tried it it doesn't work I don't smell down there do I but I did when I didn't use any shower gel for a week so apologies everyone who doesn't

easy fix now don't have to smell and bend down and hurt your back just sniff your brush oh no that's grim you know pubes upset me yeah pubes are just fine just finding pubes and right especially if it's if it's in the bathroom i can kind of go right that's fair enough but when if you find a pube anywhere else in the house it's like why are you here i haven't told you about this oh don't so the other morning you stayed in bed because Rafe had been torturing you all night. Yeah. And I went

downstairs. Oh, wait. And I was desperate for the toilet and I had a hold of Rafe. You know, if you put him down, he screams and cries. Yeah. So, I managed to do that thing that you hate, Rafe. I stopped pissing with him in your arms. It really upsets us. So, I held him in my right arm and I pulled my pyjama pants down and I started having a piss. And Robin came in to have a piss as well. Yeah. And I had no way of... Normally, I go,

I don't, man, because he's like knob height and he stands up in a wee but he's just staring at my knob and I hate it oh god that's so gross but Rafe was in the way so there was nothing I could do so all three of us were just round the toilet and Robin just went oh I didn't know you got a hairy tiddler when you got older

and I just went oh fuck and I went don't look wait after me don't say that i just sort of like went yeah but don't like look like move move away let's finish my weed give us a privacy and he was like and i was like oh well is he telling his teachers probably tells him everything he tells him everything he tells his friends everything tells his teachers everything he's been telling telling all of his mates that I kiss his arse

and not in like in the joking way because I genuinely sometimes when they've got their pants on I will kiss their bum cheeks because they come out of my stomach

and I love them right and I love every part of them and I want to just kiss their arses right and he tells his friend I told I told my friend that you were

kissing my bum and I'm like right well don't anyway yeah you can tell him about your bits he's got

he's got one so just let's say yeah I just look forward to that email from the school when he's eventually said it just it's come to our attention that Mrs Ramsey kisses the child's bum

and Mr Ramsey just needs to trim his pubes by the sounds of things sounds like he's getting out a hand down there babadoo babadoo babadoo do you want to hear

a horrific story about the lass who scratches her vagina with a hairbrush? Because there is a story as well. Really? Yeah, because that was the ick, but now the question from the public. Oh, come on then. Since we met at uni, we've always gone to her parents for Christmas up north.

It says here, south to you guys, but out in the wilds for this Essex boy. This one particular Christmas, after all the festivities, it was time to travel home. She may have had a few drinks the night before, so in a shocking twist, I was allowed to drive the two and a half hours home. Ooh. That was an event in itself, and I was looking forward to go on the M6 toll. Hadn't long opened at this stage. That's exciting.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I will not have a bad word said about getting excited for the M6 tour where is the M6 tour sort of near Birmingham okay on the way to Birmingham

from the Manchester to Birmingham when you get on that M6 tour when I used to do when I used to live in Manchester and do gigs in Birmingham and stuff on the way to London you stick on that M6 tour

it's like it's like a first class flight in your car smooth for a few miles it's smooth the services are better i don't know there's hardly any fucker on it there's no traffic it's amazing how much is it bloody you know what it used to be a couple of quid now it's about seven pound fifty fuck off

you're paid to go on the road that's what toll means right now remember she'd had some drinks the day before and on the way home she mentioned she could do with a service stop. Okay. About halfway home, we were coming up to Warwick Services, so being the caring person I am, I said, you want to stop here? No, she said. Let's just go a bit further.

Okay. Just as we went past the exit for said services, she piped up, I don't think I'll make the next one. I'm not feeling good. Oh, God. Cue a frantic search from her looking in the back for what I assumed was a plastic bag to puke in. But no, the jeans came down

and she shit herself on the car seat. Leave the jeans on. Are you going to shit yourself? What are you shitting on the car seat for I would take my pants off to shit in the car I don't know hold it in

what are you doing man suffice to say the next 20 miles to the nearest services were a little ripe our eldest was only 2 at the time so luckily we had a few packs of baby wipes and thank God for the leather seats. Oh, leather seats. Question is, even though she was not feeling great, should I have made her clean it up? I didn't, as I'm good

as I'm good like that. I've never let her forget it though, and she denies it happened to the kids. He cleaned it up? I would absolutely not in a million years clean your sodden car seat up after you'd had too many drinks the night before.

Nah. I would smother your face in it. Like a dog. Like a dog learning how to poo. So I would get out, would get to the services, I'd say, put your pants up, I'd say, I'll sort this out, love.

Peace, lag. Yeah, I'd say, go and get yourself, you know, get yourself some, I don't know, a sugary drink or something, get yourself sorted, a cup of coffee or whatever. I'll clean this up, love. And then I would just scrape as much as I can off put in the bin and then I'd drive home without you would you and I turn my phone off and when you eventually got home that night from a

taxi that you probably shot as well and say serves you right never shit in my car again you dirty dirty right thisinger. You see all of this. You wouldn't. You would never do that in a million years. I'd definitely clean it. The difference is between me and you, though, you would sit in it on the way home and leave it. I'd have to clean it because you'd be like,

well, I'll leave it there then. And you'd sit in it. You'd nest on it. You'd nest on it like a bird. Honestly, can I? I'd like to put me out. I don't think I'd shit myself. Well.

Well. Jury's out. Just a little warning to anyone eating. Love these. Just put it out there, right? Love these. Our tolerance is so high. Do you know that?

People are like, you don't sound affected. I'm not. I could talk about this stuff all day. Visually, I am. We were watching The Last of Us the other day and I was eating some chicken and the mold came out of the guy's mouth and I was like, oh, I couldn't finish.

Do you notice I left a bit of chicken? I couldn't finish the chicken. I was eating some chicken and the mould came out of the guy's mouth and I was like I couldn't finish. Did you notice I left a bit of chicken? I couldn't finish the chicken. I was eating my dinner and watching a series on Channel 4 that my mum said was good. It's about the Baines murders or something. You and your mum. You and your mum. The Last of Us is

fiction. Fantasy. Sci-fi if you will. The recommendations. He watched a good thing the other day. He did, your man. What was it? It was about this murder, and he murdered everyone, and it was all the murders, and he went to prison,

and he murdered in prison, and his family murdered. He was crying his eyes out. Was it good? It was brilliant. Have you ever seen my mom's Netflix page? It's the saddest thing. Your mom's list. It's the grimmest thing. It's the grimmest thing.

It's the grimmest thing. It's like she's a researcher for real crime podcasts. Well, I thought that her Netflix was like broke or something because I was like, mum, where's

is it cake? Where's like the comedies and all that? She was like, well, I don't know. Where are they? And I was going,

the algorithm is so grim. Her Netflix thinks that she's Swedish or something because she watches all of the fucking the subtitled other and I was going it doesn't the algorithm you're so grim her Netflix thinks that she's Swedish or something because she watches all of the fucking the subtitled crime dramas and she's

like I watched this great drama I'm like is it French she's like yeah and I'm like no I don't want to like I don't want don't get me wrong I can watch these subtitles I'm not

that fucking stupid not everything I watch not every single thing she will she'll have four on the go none of them are English fucking psycho but yeah her Netflix

is grim it's really grim the Al Grimm rhythm Al Grimm but back to what I was saying I was watching this Alga with a Grimm oh yeah

I was watching this drama which I'm someone's just killed them all so I'm looking for they're in New Zealand spoiler alert the man is gremming into a cup. Gremming is spitting?

Yeah, and then she drinks it all. Because it's like, I was eating while it was on and I had to turn it off. She was spitting into a cup because she said she was ill and then she drank it all. It's a true story.

What, that bit? That specific bit? Well, actually, this is what I... You know when you watch these dramas of the real life murders and the choosy stuff? I'm like, how do they know that what i you know when you watch these dramas of the the real life murders and the choosy stuff i'm like how do they know that happened i know what you mean it's a true story to the point of where i want to go someone stands up and go to the toilet i go right did he go for a piss then at that point did he go for a piss on that day at that time

because if he didn't the whole thing's bollocks how do you know this conversation happened because they deed i don't want to talk about the spit in the cup thing. I want to gloss over that straight away. It was awful. It stopped me eating. That's what I'm saying now. Don't get that. That stopped you eating?

Oh, and what was it? It was something, it wasn't something healthy. So I was guzzling it down. I guarantee it. So this is a bit rank. Anyway,

brace yourself. Dear Rosie and Chris, I've just been catching up in episode 198 with the police slash foreskin ick. Can't remember that. I can't remember that either. It sounds amazing. Was the ick that their partner worked

as a police officer and they had to pull people's foreskin back? Yes. Yes. That was it. There we go. House. There we go.

Reminded me of a fucking horrific story I heard in my old job. I used to be a prison officer in a male prison. Lucky for me, being female, I did not participate in strip searches. Great. It's a shame. But I did hear a few horror stories. Oh, here we go.

The one that really stuck in my mind was from a colleague. Because I only read this yesterday. It's really fresh. It was from a colleague who was strip searchingsearching a prisoner in the reception area. He had his penis out. In brackets, it said prisoner, obviously. I was going to say, yeah.

Strip-search. This is how you do it, mate. This is how you lob the old fella out. Follow me. Zip down, todger out. Done. The officer saw something poking out of his foreskin

that looked like a bit of string, so asked him to roll it back, his foreskin. Oh, man. Well, that looked like a bit of string. So I asked him to roll it back, his foreskin. Oh, man. Well, it wasn't a bit of string. It was smeg. Oh! A thick string of smeg. Smeg is smegma,

which actually I think is donkey, like cum, smeg. Right, right, right. Anyway. The words that, sorry, sorry. I'm going to have to stop you talking here for a moment. Smegma. Smegma. Smegma. Smegma.ma grem what have you been knocking is it because i read your jotters you think you're 14 again and saying these disgusting stuff so it was some kind of cheesy solidified discharge yeah yeah yeah nothing to do with the brand of fridges that people can i just

say what i mean when someone from a distance is spotting your knob cheese hanging out, it's time to sort out your personal hygiene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When your knob cheese is looking like a bit of spaghetti, spotted from afar. Right, so, well, anyway, thick string of smell, so he's rolled it back. That's right. Oh, it's just me mangy knob cheese. No problem then, he's not a danger.

Rolls it back, so the dong crustbed. No problem then. He's not a danger. He rolls it back. So the dong crust falls to the floor. Dong crust's fantastic. It's on the floor now. Dong crust's amazing. I'm having that all day. Because it's prison. This episode's called Dong Crust.

That's it. There you go. Ding dong. The crust is gone. Because it's prison, it's not immediately cleaned up. Of course not. Because it's prison. Of course not.

Later on in the same search area another prisoner decides to kick off and fight with the staff. One of the officers ends up lying on the ground to restrain him and when he gets back up

smack is on his cheek. His cheek. And they've signed off by saying I agree with you Chris the media needs to hurry the fuck up fuck me on his cheek

on his cheek oh god oh no one oh you'd be gutted why didn't they clean it because it's prison again don't be coming

to this prison breaking them rules thinking you're going to be in the height of luxury. Does anyone want to clean that smeg up? This is a prison. We're going to leave that smeg there.

On his cheek. On his cheek. Heavens above. Horrible, isn't it? Oh, man. He'd be so devout. Do you think they told him? Well, yeah.

He probably knew. Right. What's his new nickname? Cheeky Smeg. What? Cheeky Smeg. Cheeky Smeg. What? Cheeky Smeg. Cheeky Smeg. I feel like it's

Face Crust. Face Crust. Smeg Cheek. Something like that. If Smeg are listening you can still sponsor the podcast. Yeah, of course you can.

We're free advertising this, isn't it? How many times have we said Smeg? You're welcome. Yeah. As always always thank you so much for listening

to us to wrap it on about utter shite we love you and this podcast Shag Marinoid is part of the Acast creator network it is

thank you so so much for listening we do try not to over egg the pudding but we really really do really appreciate

listening thank you and we really appreciate all that that's a weird one isn't it what do you mean

just stupid that phrase over egg the pudding at least I used it? What do you mean? Just stupid. That phrase. Over egg the pudding. At least I used it in the right fucking place. I once put seven eggs in a cake. Right. My friends will never let me forget that. Right.

I made it for someone's birthday. It must have been like a big fucking omelette. I copied it from an American recipe. Seven eggs? Yeah, yeah. For a while, I got called seven eggs. Why? I don't think that's a story.

Why is this on the outro? Right. Why is this on the outro? Why is this on the outro? Shall I ring Steph to ask her? No, this is the outro. We can't do this. This is Seven Eggs. We'll talk about it next week.

Brilliant. Look forward to that. And please, please vote on the National Comedy Awards. Just Google National Comedy Awards and go through the categories. Skip all the other ones. Just Best Entertainment Show

and Best Comedy Podcast. That's us. Thank you so much. Don't forget to subscribe. Thanks, guys. Some great stuff there. Thank you very much indeed we love you bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

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