Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 203. Nurse Damp

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie have a lot to get through! They answer all your Midnight Gameshow questions, discuss their trip to London and make a return to Rosie's Jotters. There is some quick fire beef, a few icks and a new (questionable) business idea for Rosie. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marginoid with me, Rosie, and my husband, Chris. Hey! Nice and quiet, nice and quick. You've got to keep it nice and smooth, nice and slick. Keep it quick.

A lot to get through this week. Right. A lot to get through. Right. Your end, not mine. Well, I've got a lot of stuff to talk about. Okay, good. You've got a lot of stuff to talk about, hopefully.

You're not very well when you do it before you collapse down. I'm not that bad, but I just know I've just got cold again. I'm just sick. I'm not very well. Before you collapse down. Yeah. I'm not that bad, but I just know I've just got cold again. I'm just sick. I'm just sick of catching colds. And you just did an Instagram video telling everyone that you had a cold and you weren't very well. And don't think I didn't spot the fact

that I got told off in that video for being okay. What do you mean? You were like, oh, Chris is fine. When I'm poorly, anyone who's all right, I fucking can't bear them. I've told you this. I was watching... I could hear people when I was in bed and I wanted to go outside who's alright, I fucking can't

bear them. I've told you this when I was in bed and I wanted to go outside and kill them. I was watching Southern Charm while I was eating my dinner

at the gym and I was just really jealous because I want to do stuff, I want to go for a walk, I want to be active but I just feel like shit.

Anyway, less of that. Stop bringing all the list, look, got to be quick, got loads to get through today, time is money. Alright, okay.

It's episode 203, thank you so much for listening, thank you so much for being here, I didn't mean to say that as quick because you know I do genuinely mean thank yous but we. Got loads to get through today. Time is money. All right, okay. It's episode 203. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being here. I didn't mean to say that as quick because you know I do genuinely mean thank yous. But we've got loads to do. Honestly, busy, busy.

Loads to do. Is something happening here? No, no. I've just got, I've genuinely got, I've got another thing for you. We've got loads to talk about. We went to London.

We've actually got quite a lot to talk about. So we're going to crack on, right? Let's go. So just book your ideas up. Chin up, right? Stop whinging about having a little shitty cold or whatever it is, right? Wow. Because you know know you know it's not that bad but you know when i catch it in a couple of days it'll be really bad right yeah it's all about the vintage i'll

get like i'll get the neck it's like wine i'll get the better stronger version of it right yeah that's that's yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's how it works it'll be cancelled next week we'll do a holiday yeah i'll have to be yeah yeah yeah i'll be cancelled next week. We'll do a holiday one because Chris won't be able to do it. Yeah, I'll be, oh God, I don't actually feel it coming on now. Listen, this week's sponsor, without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative,

lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is Flesh Coloured Clothes. Oh. Stop doing it because we'll glance up and we'll think you're naked. Fucking pack it in.

Who's had them on? Oh, I saw a guy in London the other day, man, he had a jacket on and I thought, he's just got his jacket open, and he's just got his bare chest out. Oh, no, it's just he's like a knob. He's picked a fucking T-shirt

that is exactly the same colour as his skin. Stop doing it to your pants. We had always think you were naked. It's freaking us out. Pack it in. Why would you wear something the same colour as your skin? Why would you do it? I don't know.

Yeah, it's not very nice. Freaks us out. Stop doing it. It really fucks me off. Oh, here we go. Sorry. I've been trying to get a dress for the comedy awards if we end up going, if we can get babysitters, etc. And just everything's got no back.

No? Just for people with little titties who don't wear bras, which is, you know, amazing. When I was younger, I didn't have to wear a bra. Okay, so you can't have that because the bra comes across the back and ruins the entire thing. You see the scaffolding. It's everything, absolutely.

Mine, and it's a pretty big scaffolding that I've got. Just everything. You go, oh, that's a really nice dress. Oh, right, okay. Oh, four pictures in. There's your back. Why? Seriously, is it going to cost that much more

to get an extra piece of fabric across the back well why don't you just buy look you're doing alright you're doing alright full time you're working now you're working these days

right why don't you buy two of them and just cut a flap out of the one why would I do that like a little cape that's ridiculous

yeah no buy two right I do like a cape yeah well cut the thing and then just enough to just go pin it on each shoulder yeah velcro

velcro for when I get confidently at a run I take my bra off and I'm like I don't give a shit about this oh Jesus enough to just go pin it on each shoulder yeah velgro velgro for when I get confident later on I take my bra off and I'm like I don't give a shit about this oh Jesus actually I don't want

people to vote if you're going to take your bra off if I win I'd rather not go remember what's her face when her bra was out at the thing

we've talked about that before it's my worst nightmare it was a Judy from Richard and Judy fame eee god can you imagine

eee bless her that would be me eee bless her well last time what did I say to you didn't I say that I loved you or something and I was yeah I think I've I've loved him God can you imagine he bless her that would be me he bless her well last time what did I say to you didn't I say that I loved you or something and I was like

why am I saying that I think you tried to make a joke but they were so busy on at the nice bit they didn't hear the punchline and I just went

aww I'll not be doing anything no I'll not say anything come on if we win you need to vote guys we love you

you need to vote you need to vote National Comedy Awards Google National Comedy Awards and please vote it would be lovely listen we've got loads to come guys we love you you need to vote National Comedy Awards Google National Comedy Awards and please vote it would be lovely listen we've got loads to come

busy busy here's a jingle right just quickly we had a fight about the jingle jingle

we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle jingle babadoo babadoo babadoo bab, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. As always it's bloody lovely to have you here.

Yes, thank you so, so much. Pull up a chair, crack on down. Yeah, yeah, crack on, well pull up a chair. Pull up a chair, take a seat. Yeah, you? Yeah, yeah. Well, pull up a chair. Pull up a chair. Yeah, yeah. Take a seat. Yeah, you've just got to play it from one speaker in your house. You're not allowed to walk.

Don't go anywhere. Sit. Full attention. Relax. Stare at the wall. Listen to this. Utter garbage. What, you're so desperately, desperately, desperately saying?

Nothing. It's just that thing, you know, when you write, I write down my little notes of what we're going to talk about. Yeah. Little brief things. You know, some people back in the day were like it's there it's scripted not a chance i write a few things down before going i just realized a few things have happened we did the mic back tie them in that game show everyone's been asking about that yes um we went to london

we had a little couple of nights and we did had a lovely little time yeah and uh just a couple of other things so i've got i've sent you all them questions yes because i can't use my phone because i'm waiting for ikea to call yes um so if you can get all the i asked my instagram to ask us any question because people were commenting just asking loads of questions about the show and i was like i can't sit and answer them all on here so we shall do it in the podcast so you can read all the questions we got an email first of all um it was keeping it a secret was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do keeping the midnight game show a secret and not because for weeks on the podcast we've been telling people that we've got a few things oh right do you mean since it happened because I was going to say I knew

I had to keep it a secret from you yes so first of all you had to keep it a secret from me yeah and then once it happened to me I then had to keep it a secret until literally the other week when I was allowed to announce it well let's well let's start off here so a lot of people were like is it genuine i 100 swear down it is absolutely genuine chris had no idea not a clue so the way it came about was my manager lee got in touch with us and said do you think as she said basically michael mcintyre's team have been in touch would do you think we could get chris with the midnight game show and i straight away said absolutely not he would hate it no way on this earth can we do no like you just i was like no he doesn't like you don't like practical jokes and you don't you don't like stuff like that so

anyway i i 100 said no turn it down and then i think it was a couple of days later i said to you i was like yeah gosh i forgot to tell you and asked they asked to do the McIntyre's Midnight Game show. And I was like, I've turned it down. And you were like, oh, I would have loved that. I was like, what the fuck? So then my little brain was like, right, okay. So he wouldn't be- But we had a bit of a row about it

because you were like, well, I've told them no now. Well, because my brain went to, right, we could still do it now that about it because you were like, well, I've told them no now. Well, because my brain went to, right, we could still do it now that I know that you were up for it. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I told you, but we can't do it anymore.

But I 100% thought the opportunity had gone. Yeah, you were like, they've gone, they've filled it, they're doing someone else now. Yeah, I was like, they've got somebody else now, we can't do it. You were like, you're an idiot.

You're an idiot. Why do you think you're better? And I was like, fucking hell, I'm sorry, I didn't know. And I was like, so I just deleted it from my head. I was like, okay, that's never going to happen I didn't know. And I was like, so I just deleted it from my head. I was like, okay, that's never going to happen.

Yeah. And it was, it was about three months later that it actually happened. It was crazy. I've never been caught so off guard in my entire fucking life. It was like,

it was so stressful. You never understand the amount of stress that whole day and night caused me. I had to pretend I was ill, do you remember? Yeah.

Because we didn't have the kids. My mom took the kids to her house. But you wanted to go out. Yeah. You were like, well, let's go for dinner. And I was ill, do you remember? Yeah. Because we didn't have the kids. My mom took the kids to her house. But you wanted to go out. Yeah. You were like, well, let's go for dinner. And I was like, oh, I'm just not well. Yeah. And you had a bottle of wine.

Two bottles. And then we opened another one. And I was like, Chris, we need to stop. We need to stop this. Because it was a really nice night, wasn't it? Yeah. And then went to bed about 10. You fell asleep at half 10.

Yeah, yeah. And I lay awake. But but i caught you didn't i woke up and you were i woke up and checked my phone you were fannying on walking around and you said something like you were you said you were straightening your hair for the morning which i just completely ignored the fact i mean the fact that i did blow dry my hair and get sort of ready and you didn't see anything i had no idea i had no idea i was like if she thinks we're gonna have a bit of action going on here i've had two bottles of wine there's no chance i but you went downstairs at one point you said i forgot to take a wash out with a washing machine so i so just for everyone

this is this is what happened right we've got cameras on our house there's cameras all over the place which go straight to chris's phone yeah and set and every time that somebody's at the porch it sets an alert on your phone. So I was like, right. I was like, what the fuck? How can I get away from this? And I talked it through with all of the team and I had to put your phone on flight mode. I had to turn the alarm off, didn't I?

Because I can do that from my phone as well. I had to go downstairs. I had to pretend that I'd left a washing and in the utility room, I put some makeup on in the dark and then I had to open downstairs I had to pretend that I'd left a wash in and in the utility room I put some makeup on in the dark and then I had to open the front door leave it open

and I had to open the inside porch door so because it creaked so that it didn't make a noise I had to open all the stair gates and but before I

what happened did I set the alarm off I forgot to turn the alarm off and I woke up and I went to turn off and I went why is my phone on flight mode yeah and I was like

and you went you must have put it on flight mode and I woke up and I went to turn it off and I went why is my phone on flight mode yeah and I was like and you went you must have put it on flight mode and I was I mean I was too I was a bit pissed so I was like alright so I'll put it on flight mode the next thing I know

I went back to I immediately went back to sleep and the next thing I know fucking all the lights on do you know what terrified me right obviously I'd left the door open and the alarm was off

so like in real life you very much paved the way for them I did burglars don't get that kind of A-star, five-star VIP treatment. But what they didn't show on the telly was that the camera was on you. Yeah. There was already about nine blokes in the room.

Crazy how many. Like, guys, crazy how many people are in the room. And you didn't stir at all. I didn't stir one bit. Until he turned that light on and shouted. Chris Ramsey! Oh, my gosh. Because, obviously, I knew. I'm, stir one bit. Until he turned that light on and shouted, Oh my gosh. Because obviously I knew, I'm like giggling. You can see me kind of laughing, thinking, thank God this

night is nearly over. It was the worst night of my entire life. And then, yeah, you shit yourself. But then, you like full on Mr. Saturday Night, just turned it on. Well, you know, we've said it for years. It's my nickname, Mr. Saturday Night. Not currently working on Saturday Nights regularly at the moment. But, you know,'ve said it for years it's my nickname Mr Saturday Night not currently working on Saturday nights regularly at the moment

but you know there's options always there so it was really strange so the lights came on he fucking fired a confetti cannon by the way

I moved that bed the other day there was still confetti under the mattress by the way big bit of red I went what the hell is that

confetti you had a bit on your back during the filming somebody messages they were like the confetti on chris's back i knew some prick was gonna ache me for that but yeah so what they didn't show on the show was i was under the covers for a lot longer than he chose me under the covers and it took us

about it took us about five or six seconds to go right this is happening i can't get these to leave i felt immediately sick uh people keep asking if i had an erection or not no idea just fucking why the fuck the one fucking night yeah you wear bed shorts to bed nearly every night so i was like oh because well they kept saying is he going to be naked and does he wear i was like you wear shorts to bed every night sometimes you wear a t-shirt i was like no you'll not be naked i was like he very rarely sleeps naked only if we're like only if it's really hot or on holiday or something yeah the one night and now you got into bed right with nothing on i was like why do you remember as i was cute you want you're not got anything on you're uncharacteristically repulsed

oh god what are you doing well two things came to mind two things came to mind i was like obviously Uncharacteristically repulsed. You were like, oh, oh God, what are you doing? Well, two things came to mind. Two things came to mind. I was like, obviously, there's going to be a camera crew

in here in a few hours. We're not having sex tonight because the room will smell of sex and that's vile because I'd never met Michael McIntyre before then and I can't be having him thinking, stick a cum all the time.

it's lovely to meet you me room doesn't always smell like jizz sit yourself down mind the confetti oh no you did that so it was just and I couldn't but then I couldn't say

what could I have said I couldn't have told you to put bed shorts on I'll be honest I completely fucking ignored you I did try to be like why you not got anything on like do you not want to put some shorts on

you were like no and I was like but I can't that was the point that was the point as well as going downstairs and opening all the doors

I was like I've come this far I've come this far they're coming shortly so many people I was like I have to just keep going Chris it was horrible

you little snake I was just going to say first of all I hid under that cover for so long and in them six seconds what happened was an immediate hangover

hit us so quick and then disappeared so quick uh immediate thought was i need to get these all to fuck off right now i need him to leave um oh really was it yeah i was like it was just a fight or flight how can i make this not just a miserable prick thing i was like how can i make this not happen you didn't look like a miserable well oh no i had a good in them six seconds i had a good quick word with myself good and i came back out and i was like i have to just go whatever they're going to do here i have to go ahead well you're mad at me at all uh no i wasn't mad at you i was very surprised that you pulled it off very surprised do you know they came to wreck you the house twice yeah wreck is like sorry they came to just kind of

check it out yeah and this is how ridiculous it is because we've got cameras everywhere they had to sneak around the back like literally walk through like the neighbours field and that and sneak around the back he must have been thinking I was a fucking maniac oh yeah

well it made it sound he watches everything it made it sound awful because I was like it's not I'm not really like you know we're not

it's not awful way to live he knows where I've been don't come too close to us he sniffs me clothes at one point though this is how ridiculous it is and i don't even know if i've told you this right i know i have i must have so we were inside the house and then they were like can you open the front door so we can see what it sounds like this is how this is how in depth and this is how

genuinely real it is right they were like we need to know what it sounds like to see how loud it is or whatever and i was like i, but the camera's there. So it'll go off if I go outside. So I was like, right, okay. So I had to pretend that I was taking a parcel to the front door and I had to stand at the porch and go, oh, there must've been, there's nobody here. I remember seeing that.

I remember seeing that exact thing on my phone. Yeah. GCSE drama. Did you well. Oh God, yeah. Did you well. Very, very well done. So there was

two producers inside the house at that moment testing out what the letterbox sounded like it was insane

it's mad what goes into it but yeah the red button as everyone the fucking mirror the daily mirror emailed our

management saying everyone's not the red button can you comment on the red button it's a panic button for an alarm that doesn't work anymore

it's an old system isn't it does it work no it's wired in why didn't you press it well that's what I was about to say well it's almost

so embarrassing that all I did was hide under the cover and not jump but then again a fucking burglar is not going to go you're on the midnight

although then again good idea for burglars just shout you're on the midnight game show and someone will buzz and you'll nick everything I could hear them coming up the Midnight Game Show and someone will buzz on you and nick everything.

I could hear them coming up the stairs. I heard them and you just had no idea. So that button's for like, if you hear your windows or something smash downstairs and you think, you know, you press the button. How come people don't know what they are? I don't know. They've been in all of our houses. I think it's an old house thing.

I think it's a paranoid, anxiety-riddled comedian thing. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've knocked it with my elbow once and they phone you. It's very scary. Sorry, I'm sorry. I knocked it with my elbow. Is someone making you say that, sir? No, genuinely. Crazy. Right, what's these questions?

Here we go. Quickfire. Yeah, you just asked me the question. Rosie, how often do you really wear lovely matching jammies? Never. Normally looks like shit. Next question. Did you wear brought to bed? Yes, I did. For once. Did you force him to wear PJs?

Was he suspicious? No, couldn't get away with it at all. How quickly after touching that raw meat did Chris rush to wash his hands because it freaked him out? Almost instantaneously and I must have washed them six or seven times that night.

Couldn't get the smell of onions off. That was the part where we lost you. That was right at the end and you were gone by then because you were like, I'm why am I doing this? It was horrible. All't get the smell of onions on. That was the part where we lost you. That was right at the end and you were gone by then because you were like, I'm why am I doing this? It was horrible. All the guests came out in the bathroom.

How did they get there? It's Jack and Jill. It's Jack and Jill. You can get there from the landing and the thing. Next question. How old is Chris's dad, Silver Fox? Your dad, our Bill, got a lot of attention. He's done well, hasn't he?

Yeah, he's got a full head of hair. He's looking good. He looks great. He's 69? Sexy? Yeah, he is great he's 69 sexy yeah he is yeah he's 70 this year who were the Darth Vader's actors

two actors one of them far too much hip thrusting for that time in the morning in me bedroom dressed as Darth Vader didn't like that at all

but very nice guys Chris's dad what a babe yeah not a question but carry on how did Sandra not give it away if she had the kids I don't know because Sandra did know about it can't hold a fucking water but yeah yeah she didn't tell

anyone so well done that's it there we go all answered happy days uh thank you so much for watching thank you so much for your lovely comments about it big shout out tom aspinall uh lovely lovely bloke uh if he'd had a gi on i'd have fucking murdered him but he wasn't wearing a gi it was no bestie bestie there was no gi grappling I didn't have a chance I'm used to grabbing the belt and the gi he knows I went one question that

other people asked was like how quickly did they leave honestly once they kind of said you know the whole I didn't think they would do that

the whole bye bye they were gone yeah everyone was gone so I went downstairs at one point and there must have been about 35 people packing things up

I was like how is this here there was a fully made sausage roll there for her that was nice apparently tom asked when i had about five of them sausage rolls that's i had made um i couldn't get back to sleep that night and i also what i didn't get a chance to say on the recording i couldn't get to sleep the next night no you were you were royally the next night was so weird. I went to bed and I was lying there and I was like, this is tainted. This is tainted. Sorry about that. Oh, I couldn't get to sleep the next night.

The next couple of nights until I calmed down. Yeah. Honestly, I was so chuffed at how well I kept that secret. Very, very well done. Thank you. Very well done. Did you not think the whole day I was a bit on edge though? Or did you not even notice?

I don't know. I think you hit it really well. I was a bit on edge though like or did you not even notice I don't know I think you hit it really well I'll be honest with you I knew that the kids were going to your mums that night inexplicably

we were having a night off with the kids so whatever bad mood you were in wouldn't have tainted or affected my fantastic mood so we went to that

party that we were talking about the fancy dress one yes hated it didn't I I had a horrible time about me absolutely horrible Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap So we went to that party that we're talking about The fancy dress one Yes Hated it didn't I I had a horrible time Don't worry about me Absolutely horrible time

So Chris bought a cream suit Yeah I mean for someone who doesn't like fancy You went pretty full out right Well you convinced us to You were like come on No I did not Don't be boring

No On here you were like You're slagging off fancy dress You're so boring and miserable Right Do you know what If you can't beat them join them I thought if you can't beat them join them Got myself a white suit no on here you were like you're slagging off fancy dress you're so boring and miserable right do you know what if you can't beat them join them

I thought if you can't beat them join them got myself a white suit it wasn't white it was cream you look lovely it was nice got a green shirt

for underneath it like with a big collar put some slip on shoes on no socks you know feeling the love from series one of the TV show

we walked from our hotel through Soho in London yeah we walked from our hotel through Soho in London. That's the only way you're going to say it. Yeah, we walked from our hotel. The whole time I'm in the hotel, I'm going, I don't think, should I just wear something normal?

Rosie, should I just wear something normal? No, everyone's going to be in fancy dress. Everyone's going to be in fancy dress. Oh, God. Put it on. Even though, right, the problem with white suit and green shirt and slip-on shoes is,

it's not, I'm not walking down the street looking like someone off the Masked Singer I'm just in a very subtle but people will just go that's not fancy dress he's just a knob wearing a suit

right but you were in Soho yes I know it's absolutely the place to get away with it but I walk past pubs and every time I heard someone laughing

I was like they're laughing at me he's talking like it did not look ridiculous it looked quite nice but wasn't I so self-conscious you were very self-conscious and then to make it worse

we got to the fucking queue outside for our management company and there's a special queue for like a queue jumper for like the sort of I don't know people that wanted to not stand outside for too long

in case they got selfies people who give them 15% of all of their wages people who paid for the fucking party Russell fucking Howard God love him love Russell Howard not slagging him off but I'm slagging him off specifically for the fact party. Russell fucking Howard. God love him. Love Russell Howard. Not slagging him off,

but I'm slagging him off specifically for the fact that that bastard was in a trainer's jeans and a hoodie with a backpack on. And a backpack. And he looked cool as fuck

and casual as fuck and he was just like, I went, oh, hello Russell. And he looked at us and he went, hello Chris. And I was like,

you think I look like a twat. And you're right, Russell. You're right. It took everything to stop you from going to get changed. I nearly went back. It was only about 200 yards to the hotel. I nearly went back and got changed.

Yeah, honestly. Every fucking comedian was dressed normally. And I was the only fucking client dressed like a knob. And you were dressed in something you'd wore on the TV show. So you just looked fine. And I looked like the fucking... I looked like the man from Del Monte on his staff night out. Everyone was like, you look like... I was like, these are my normal clothes. Honestly. No, I looked like the man from Del Monte on his staff night out. Everyone was like,

you look lovely. I was like, these are my normal clothes. Honestly. No, you didn't, man. You didn't. Fucking rage. Well, in future,

you know, just not to. Ed Gamble looked bloody fantastic. Well, he had like a suit on. He just had a normal suit on. You look lovely. You need to pack this in. I look fucking ridiculous. When you seen Russell,

I went, and I just see his backpack and I thought, oh, Chris is going I just see his backpack and I thought oh Chris is gonna fucking lose his mind I'm surprised she came in I see

he's already cool enough as it is and he's not not in dread he's just like styling it out casual and I'm like hey

I'm here for the party I felt terrible actually I need to apologise to her we saw one we saw one of the runners who worked on our TV show and she's

she's working as a producer on something else now because I was like you're going to come back you didn't speak to her because you were so in your own head it was just as we'd walk

through the door you didn't speak to her because you were like I need a fucking I think I think you caught your cold so sorry Chris ignored you

well your cold that you've got now I think you caught that at the party because you talked to loads and loads of people, but I just stood there fucking gutted and didn't hardly spoke to anyone. Stood there with the right face on.

It was a great party, to be fair. Three drinks. It was shit. It was really good. It was shit. Everyone looked shit, apart from Russell Howard, who looked fucking great.

And Ed Gamble looked good as well, but they looked like they were two different fucking parties. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Just want to share with everyone as well something uh incredible um that you said in london so we had a lovely we didn't argue once in london did oh chris i know i know we went down no kids went down from the minute we left the house crazy and the children it was it was joyous it was blissful marriage bliss apart from the party and we didn't even

argue at the party if that party had been at home you'd have stormed off and left us but we had such a lovely two days where it didn't really matter anyway we're walking around we had a walk around um sort of st james's park and stuff uh next to where the palace is we were so touristy weren't we really touristy we walked past buckingham palace and everything like that and i was looking on my phone and i was seeing where we should go next for we're trying to get our steps in we had a little step we did eight kilometers didn't we did a lovely bloody look we walked around london it was a lovely day we got to uh we were outside the palace and i had my phone and you were doing that thing where you were going don't go don't go on your phone people steal phones i was like yes but i need to check the fucking maps i'm checking you do that to me

every time we're in london and then you just get your phone out in the most busiest places where people are just walking around looking dodgy as fuck and then rosie no one will be able to get a phone out of my hand because of my extensive three or four week jiu-jitsu training my grip is so i'm totally joking i uh no i had a hold of the pop socket on the back i was thinking that'll be fine and then it literally fell off in my hand i was like it's a shag married annoyed one as well how embarrassing they stole me phone off I said all that's left is my own merchandise pop socket in my hand here in my quivering hand

so we were standing we were standing right outside Buckingham Palace and I was looking on the phone I was like which way do you want to go such and such is up there

and you went right right well where are we now and you looked at us dead serious and you went right okay so this is Buckinghamshire

where we are now isn't it and I went what and you went this is Buckinghamshire where we are now isn't it and I went what and you went this is Buckinghamshire isn't it where the palace is

I went no it's not Buckinghamshire you went sorry Buckingham this is Buckingham I went Rosie

I think this is just like St James's where's the common sense where's the common sense Buckinghamshire why is it called Buckingham miles outside London why is it called Buckingham Palace if it common sense? Buckinghamshire is a county miles outside London. Right, well,

why is it called Buckingham Palace if it's not in Buckingham? I don't know. I don't know, but it was just... Oh, God. Where's the Buckinghamshire? Look, hey, the area might be called Buckingham,

I don't know, but Buckinghamshire was my favourite. Well, all right. Well, that's not far, though, is it? Yeah, Buckinghamshire. Very good. Very, very good. Yeah.

Yeah, bloody tourist man. You haven't got no clue where you are I know do you remember that bloke getting a picture of himself taken outside the palace he looked like the happiest man on the world

so good we stopped and stayed and thought I could miss him the smile on his face he looked amazing he was getting a fucking I don't know he was advertising

his own railings company standing in front of the railings just like hey these are Dave's railings they'll stay up all year I did these I did these like you it's like you driving down horton house fucking road we dad put all that mom my dad me and my dad did them yeah there's a street in shears where me and my dad did all the railings still there boom another thing to talk about um we talked about what uh our children call oranges suck boys suck boys suck boys

backfired hugely today genuinely nearly asked a lady in Sainsbury's if they did suck boys no you didn't swear to god I'm standing I had

little small ones in my hand and I was like well these aren't suck boys and I leant in and I nearly said do you do suck boys and I was like that

that's cancelable she'd be like you're in the wrong shop yeah that is that's that's that's that's what's the word harassment that's harassment that'll have been in the gazette that like, you're in the wrong shop. Yeah, that is, that's, that's, that's, that's, what's the word? Harassment. That's harassment.

That'll have been in the Gazette. That'll have definitely been in the Gazette. Chris Ramsey goes into the local Sainsbos asking for some boys. Sainsbos? Is that what, that's what posh people call it, isn't it? Sainsbos.

Sainsbos? Sainsbos. No, like people like, I think it's a new age. What is, so what, are they Gen Z? Oh, I don't understand.

We're millennials. We are not millennials. Are we not? Definitely not. So what? We're not boomers. You. The old bloody...

You. Old Man River are we, yeah? Huh? Bloody Buckinghamshire. You know I love that song. Huh? Old Man River. No, I don't know what we are.

We're millennials, man. We're not millennia... Right. We're not Gen Z. Gen Z is now. Right. Right. We're not baby boomers because that's our parents. We are millennials. We're not millennial right we're not Gen Z Gen Z is now right we're not baby boomers

because that's our parents we are millennials we're not millennials we are the world we are the children oh I sound very raspy I'm bringing sexy back generation X

is anyone born from I thought we said generation X is oh here we go generation X is anyone born from 1965 to 1980?

Baby... Well, well done. One point. Baby... Fucking hell. Baby boomers. That was... I know that one.

That was... Yes. Wasn't a question. Baby boomers, are anyone born from 1946 to 1964? That's where Mom and Dad's. Congratulations. Millennials, is anyone born from 1981 to 1996?

Oh, you're right. Take it back, you cunt. Take it back. You're right, we are. Sorry I said that. I am a millennial. We are the millennials. Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How am I? I've been slagging off millennials. How am I a millennial? We're millennial and then once now is it Gen Z?

I think I'm a boom. I didn't know there was Gen X. Generation X. I want to be Generation X. Generation Z, is anyone born from 1997 to 2012? Don't know what the fuck now are Gen Z. Is it Gen Z? I think I'm a boomer. I didn't know there was Gen X. Generation X. I want to be Generation X. Generation Z is anyone born from 1997 to 2012. Don't know what the fuck's

going on now. So what? So who are to 2012? Generation Z is anyone born from 1997 to 2012 apparently. Yeah. So Gen Z.

Yeah. Well, kids and that, they're like, they're not anything yet, are they? They're just kids. What a diss. What a diss. Yeah. that's why Rosie is not allowed

to hold anyone's babies anymore because she sits whispering you're not anything you you don't have a name you can't even

burp on your own you're pathetic what they're going to be called social media fuck me that was us I think

that was us so yes Gen Z are calling Sainsbury's Sainsbos. Yes, I think so. Posh people. No, posh people as well. It's just posh.

Like, Sainsbos. Got there in the end, didn't we? It's like a, I don't know. Wow. Jesus. Like a nickname. Think of some other daft nicknames. Teskies.

Teskies, no. Teskies, that just sounds like testicles. Littles. That's upsetting. Littles and that. Alds. Is there any nicknames for supermarkets? I don't think so.

I don't think there is. No, there are no odds. Sainsbury's. What about Morrison's? Murray's? Mozzart's. Mozzart's. Going out on a mozzart.

I think it's just Sainsbury's. That should put that on their new marketing thing. Sainsbury's. Yeah. Down with the kids. The only one with a nickname. Yeah.

Nice good carrier bags. Right, okay. The orange ones. Right, yeah. Good, strong. Ah! Now do you understand why I didn't think you were a millennial? Because you just went good carrier bags. Right, okay. The orange ones. Right, yeah. Good, strong. Oh, see? Now do you understand why I didn't think

you were a millennial? Because you just went good carrier bags then. Strong. So another Robin update. Right. We heard the other day because before he goes to school,

before he goes to bed, we brush his teeth. Doesn't like having his teeth brushed. No, never has. And we heard the other day that we're about to reap the whirlwind because

he turned to your mum and said that when we're old and in care homes he's going to come round every day and brush my teeth really hard

vindictive little sass literally whisper we were in the kitchen he whispered when these are old, and then, Kate, what does he know about kale? Don't know.

I'm going to brush their teeth really hard. Payback's a bitch, Mum and Dad. What a vindictive little twat. I know. Speaking about kids say the funniest things, Rosie's auntie Kath has got a daughter called Nina. Mm-hmm, me cousin. Yeah, that's how, congratulations.

Another point. Rosie cousin. Yeah. That's how, congratulations. Another point. Rosie knows family trees. Nina's daughter is called Anna. Yes. Which is Kath's... Granddaughter. There we go, two points. And she's seven.

She ain't now. No, she's seven. Doesn't matter. Completely superfluous to the story. Great. So Anna's goldfish sadly died. And her goldfish is called Ham. ham yeah which is hilarious to name it ham when it's not it's fish it's got nothing to do with a pig right okay so it's called ham and uh

which acronym for hard as a motherfucker which I respect oh nice so ham dies and I gets very sad she's seven or eight years old the jury's out she phones kath crying and sobbing yeah and says to kath down the phone starts crying nana kath goes yes darling what's wrong what's wrong and she says ham's dead yeah over and over apparently over and over again ham's dead ham's dead ham's dead ham's dead ham's dead and because of the crying because of the phone line yeah kath truly believed that she was phoning to tell her that mam's dead so kath rightly lost her mind thinking her granddaughter was phoning to tell her that her daughter had died yeah uh it all got cleared up when the mam answered when nina was on the phone and said no the goldfish is dead but that must have been

a fucking horrible minute and a half of her life my mam was there when the conversation happened and she said very much like the colour

had rained out of her face and she was sweating profusely thinking that our daughter had died eh horrendous but fun

but quite funny oh incredibly funny well it's like the story we did on here which was probably one of my favorite ones when the cat got ran over yes and the son-in-law for a long time for for a good solid couple of hours thought that the mother-in-law died until he said what happened to the body and they said we buried it in the garden which is when he realized they meant the cat but what's the mother what's really like

awful for anna especially in this story is the fact that it'd be like ham's dead what oh my god yeah ham's dead oh my god no no yeah ham's dead no sorry i just mama ham ham oh fucking thank god for that i mean oh no that's a shame she took it with her you know they went for dinner she wrapped it sorry sorry sorry they went out for dinner and she took the fish's corpse in some cling film why don't i know this why have i only heard why am i only hearing this she got rid of it yeah i don't know she didn't want to part with it yet she didn't want to part with it so she wrapped the

dead fish in cling film and took it out to dinner where did they go for dinner I think they just went for Sunday lunch Sunday lunch oh my god anyone having the fish

to start no Ham's dead oh god Ham's dead oh rest in peace this Friday you must be very careful Oh, Hampstead. Oh, God. Hampstead. Rest in peace. This Friday.

You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't.

The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun

to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds rockcity at torontorock.com. that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. As promised, it's time for Rosie's Jotters and Rosie's got a theme tune she recorded on her phone. Rosie's Jotters Jotting all her memories of Rosie's Jotters

All the laughing sweets out she yields Just a Catholic girl looking for a bit of light relief Oh, come and join us In reading Rosie's Jotters Yeah Thank you very much That yeah at the end was horrendous I hope the microphone picked that up When I was a kid

I used to make up songs And I ended all of them with Yeah I absolutely can understand that, yeah So So you're still going with this I'm still going with this I've got loads of mileage in this

because I'm still on the same jotter here so this is still the year 6 jotter so we did the Spice Girls last week definitely in pubes in a minute yeah I got my first pubes in year 6 at Holy Island

excellent so I haven't found any in the books just know there's grass on the lawn pubed up while you're probably while your handwriting is so neat right so

I can't do my pubes just mature in it taking your time in that right so what happens is right we'll go

we'll go from the Spice Girls thing and then there's lots of pages of percentages which for year six get off

lots of pages like percentages trying to grab the jotter some big S's see the S's oh that's when I learnt to write them

when you do the three lines and you connect them six lines I just learnt that six lines sorry you know everyone knows

you know the S the Superman the Superman sort of big S thing right so there's loads of loads of S's and equations

and stuff and maths and then there's three wasted pages which I'm still furious about by the way blanks and motherfuckers you think that's good that

just wasting paper like that you think that's good, that? Just wasting paper like that? You think that's good? Proud of yourself? Didn't give a shit. But maybe the pages were left blank to make sort of some mental space for I don't know what this is, right? I don't know what this is that

I've come across here. So there's just there's, it says spells at the top, right? And I don't know whether it means spelling or like witch's spells. Right. But it starts

belter, belter. Right. Which means good and jolly. Yeah, belter. That's belter. And then loads of stuff's crossed out and then there's,

now let me see where we shall start. Oh yes, go fetch me a calf and I'll put this in her, in here and add a frog and hope that it's better than the last one.

So I imagine that's a witch's portrait. Then there's a line. Then it's like there's a story, right, or a play. Okay. I did like the right plays. Yeah. So we'll sort of get a character biog first, written in the first person of the character.

Oh, nice. Let me tell you my name. I'm Lorna Spammy um let me tell you my name i'm lorna spammy let me tell you my name i'm laura spammy lorna laura lorna oh spammy you fucking wrote it and i hate molly bell oh we've hated each other since last monday because i because i've been at become a Pop Star Club for 11 months now, and she has just joined, and already she's got the star part. I have no idea who these people are. But I'm furious for her.

So Lorna's been at Become a Pop Star Club. Trademark. Hi, I'm here for become a pop star club. Yeah, we know when you walk in. You've done a few weeks, haven't you? 11 months I've done, yeah. You got the star part yet?

No, no, no. Well, just gave it to the new girl. So that's happened. Then there's four S's underneath that you've been passing, right? And then we go to the next page. Chapter one, the challenge. So it becomes a story. So it's a full book. Yeah, yeah. And then we go to the next page. Right. Chapter one, The Challenge. So it becomes a story.

So this is a full book. Yeah, yeah. It becomes a full story, right? So chapter one, The Challenge. So this is Molly and Lorna. All right. They are both at the club where Lorna Spammy comes over to Molly Bell and says to her, if you get the star part, I will, and this is dark,

if you get the star part, I will personally And this is dark. If you get the star part, I will personally rip every strand of hair out of your head. Wow. She replies, is that a threat? She replies, no, it's a promise. Oh, yes. Go on, Lorna. Go on.

That was time 1.25pm, Community Centre, Becomes Pop Star Club, Saturday the 3rd of June, 1997. So that was chapter one, the challenge. The next one, chapter one, the bully. So this is chapter one again. It was Saturday the 3rd of June, 1.25pm. Yes, that's where the other one set.

Right. Molly was just about to go on stage, so I grabbed her rucksack, but accidentally I missed and grabbed her hair instead. So I pulled her back very gently and took her in the corner and grabbed her hair instead so i pulled her back very gently and took her in the corner and wished her good luck and hope that she got the part but molly obviously took it the wrong way and started to scream and cry i was very annoyed at this point because i hadn't done anything i was trying to keep a happy face so

she wouldn't cry so much but But she just wouldn't stop. My mum came in at this point and asked where Molly was and I pushed her towards the stage but she didn't want to go so we hit behind some courts but when I moved the courts over our head I accidentally hit Molly in the face.

This is trauma. What the fuck is going on? this is this is trauma like what the fuck is going on then this is this is the

Saturday between me and my sister clearly and then we go straight from that back to you

sending a letter to your pen pal again so that's all that's all that's all you get never do you have any idea

I feel like Molly's dead do you have a feel Molly is dead in a ditch somewhere there's no closure on that look at all the space wasted as well why did you pull her hair

don't know it's rotten so it's like one of them's what happened and then the second one's like her account of what happened it's like

you know it's like a jury sorry like in a court so then you go straight into where dear Laura hi it's Rosie

do you have a play every year which year six do Our play is called The Trolls and I'm called Dim I was a troll in that play

See I've always been Stupid So that was Rosie's Jotters for this week So Rosie's Jotters Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah

Loads more to come Loads more to come And you're getting cancelled as well, so it's very exciting. Don't do that. I reckon about six weeks' time you'll be done.

You'll be done. It's hilarious, because I've never pulled anyone's hair in my life. It wasn't you. It was Lorna. It was Lorna Spammy. Through me, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You might be the other one. Spammy. Lorna Spammy. Spammy, yeah. Spammy? Am I right here? Yeah. S-P-A-M-E-E.

I thought it would be M-Y. Why is it double E? Look at it. It's spammy. S-P-A-M-E-E. Spammy. Spammy. Oh, I hate myself. Actually, it's French.

It's pronounced spammy. Terrible. Absolutely terrible. I'm so glad. spamee oh I hate myself actually it's French it's pronounced spamee terrible absolutely I'm so glad I'm so glad I threw all of my stuff from this year of my life away so you can't do this to me

your hoarding is backfiring massively it's not time for what's your beef because Rosie's not feeling well and I'm going to give you

a week off this week. Thank you. Let's have a week off. I know you've got some backdated for me. I've definitely got some. I know I've definitely got enough. We could do a dead quick one if you want. Oh, wow.

Wow. Wow. All right. All right. Then okay. I'll tell you what. It's time for Quickfire Beefs. Quickfire Beefs.

Beefs. Beefs. Right. Okay. You ready? Do you want to go first or shall I? I'll go first. Go.

Chris fell off the Segway. Yeah. Yeah. It hurt me bum big time. Yeah. Really, really hurt. Moron. Yeah. Did it when me mom and me sister. It hurt me bum big time. Yeah. Really, really hurt. Moron. Yeah.

Did it when me mum and me sister were there as well, so everyone got to see him being a dick. Glad I did it while everyone was there. Yeah, you actually really hurt yourself, but you had to pretend that you didn't because obviously I would have gone down. Started sweating profusely, felt faint, thought I'd broke my tailbone.

Yeah. Absolutely awful. Hilarious to watch, though. Haven't been on it since. Terrified of it. Terrified of it. Although I did go back on yesterday to exercise the demons

a little bit but not for very long okay quick fire quick fire okay here we go quick fire loads to get through

quick fire my beef review this week is it's a beef and it's an egg it's a beef and an egg it's a big it's a big it's a big

right we were in London last week we had a lovely time I was sexy as hell you went we were in a posh restaurant. You got a lovely thing of fish,

lovely fillet of fish. There was a lemon to squeeze on it. You squeezed the lemon and it went in your eye and you shrieked. In a really posh restaurant and I was so embarrassed and it was a massive ick.

You got lemon in your eye and you sat there for ages going, I can't see. I couldn't tell. I'm blind. You got lemon in both your eyes I'm blind it was pathetic

and that's why I don't take your nice places that really hurt it genuinely really hurt I heard you I heard you it was funny though

I do love lemon it's time for questions from the public public guys as always if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmarydenoid

at gmail.com. Do it on your phone. Do it on your tablet. Do it on your computer. Hey, you can do it on your pretty smart telly. And while you're there, Google National Comedy Awards

and go and vote please, please, pretty please with sugar on top for me and Rosie for the Chris and Rose Ramsey show for Best Entertainment Show. We're up against some awesome shows

so it's very exciting. We'd love to win. And also please vote for us for Best Podcast because we're up against some awesome podcasts so it's very exciting we'd love to win and also please vote for us for best podcast because we're up against some awesome podcasts and it'd be lovely to win that as well

because we need one each thank you because if we ever split up what are we going to do that would be my one week at Rose one week at mine my main priority

if we ever split up my main priority put it in the suitcase with the kids put it in the suitcase with the kids keep the kids I will have the awards

we'll sort out an award order and the kids can fend for themselves. Awards order. Hi Chris and Rosie. Listened to the podcast this morning talking about the cycling proficiency test in primary school and how you could not believe

people actually failed it. A lot of people fucking failed it, Chris. Had so many emails. It just seems so horrible to make a child fail that. So many. When I was in year six,

I was actually that shit at riding a bike. I was banned from doing the lessons and taking the test. Because in my... How harsh is that? Like, not... Sorry, surely isn't it

to teach something, not the, oh, you're so shit, just go and sit over there. You're a fucking embarrassment. Chris, you're talking about when we went to school. Like, I'm guessing this person

is probably similar age to us so we wouldn't get away with that now. Yeah. But back in the day, it was pretty fucking harsh. Because in my first lesson, I crashed into and scratched my teacher's car that was parked in the playground.

Even worse, because I was the only one in my class not allowed to do it, I had to still go out with them when they practiced, but was made to trail behind them all on foot, pretending to hold back candles. Pretending to hold... I'm on my pretend bike. Like when you see videos of people in a pretend car going through the McDonald's drive-thru.

You can't be trusted with a bike. It says here, humiliated. Love, Laura. That is... Oh, Laura, mate. Oh, just pretending to be on a bike. And stop and do the brakes with your fingers, Laura. Pretend.

Oh. Ding, ding. So harsh. Someone else sent one. I haven't got it yet. But they mentioned something about you couldn't have a kid's bike. You had to have a bigger bike. Do you remember that?

Yeah. I do have a really faint memory. And I don't know what. A really faint memory. Well, I told you that some of my memories are my brothers and sisters. No, it's just the way you said it there. Normally someone would say, I've got a very faint memory and I don't know a really faint memory well I told you that some of my memories are my brothers and sisters no just the way you said it there

normally someone would say I've got a very faint memory I remember my mum and dad I've got a really faint memory I remember my mum and dad having an argument because one of us

had to get a new bike because the bike wasn't big enough to do the cycling proficiency right and I do think that was a genuine thing I think it had to be

like a proper bike with gears rather than just like a shitty little kids bike and I remember think that was a genuine thing I think it had to be like a proper bike with gears rather than just like a shitty little kids bike and I remember there being an argument of like I can't afford a new bike I remember that but I don't think it was me, I think it might have been Kate because she was first

I just, it's mad the stuff that, obviously hindsight's a gift but it's mad the stuff that you really freak out about at the time that you really worry about from school. Like your record of achievement, your attendance certificates.

Like, do you know what I mean? Your GCSEs. Well, yeah, for you, they were a joke, but yeah, they're a good one. You can make them up. Nobody checks. I don't know how you would check.

Nobody fucking checks. Honestly, if you're writing your CV, fucking go for it, mate. A-stars, put all A-stars down. You're good as shit. I mean, you'd be knackered if somebody wants you to do something important. Yeah, or you put A-star like French or whatever

and they start talking really basic French and you're like, Qu'est-ce que c'est? Another one, cycling proficiency one here. I'll not read the full thing, but it said, the sister only passed the cycling proficiency because the instructor

didn't want any more DS. God, love them. Got a little ick for you. Icky's got, gets so many icks. So, so many. Love them. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

I didn't think I had any icks, but I've just been buying balloons for my son's birthday and it reminded me it's not my partner just any person who this happens to so when they're doing

silly helium voices and the helium suddenly and unexpectedly wears off and they're left saying something ridiculous in an awfully fake squeak that's so specific

makes me lose respect for them immediately that is so specific I get it though I get it yeah it runs I get it, yeah. It runs out and you still kind of put it on it. And you're like, oh, she's not. That was me.

That was me A and GCSE drama there. Sorry about that. That's the one, isn't it? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Love hearing about everyone's icks, and I've got one for you. Letting the masseur, the masseur, the masseuse,

whatever you say. Masseuse, I think. Masseuse. I don't know if there's a male-female thing there, but masseuse is the word I know. Yeah, well, letting the massage artist... Say what, did they? Yeah, I think it's grammatically incorrect, but yeah.

Massager. Letting the massager. Or the massagee. Anyway, when you get the massage, the person who does it. Letting the person massaging you. Hey, political correctness gone mad. Getting the rubber, getting the rubber, the person who rubs you. I'm just trying.

Getting the back rubber. Do you know what? I forgot to tell you. We got an email, and I was dead chuffed with this because somebody emailed saying that they really appreciate that when we talk about the boys, we always say, you know, husband, wife, or whatever. And that's totally totally true fair play

anyway somebody just said that they appreciate that instead of kind of going when they're older their wives yeah no you know absolutely you know what they're gonna be and we will love them no matter what no matter what and at 18 they'll both be kicked out regardless of sexuality yeah on the streets 18 on the streets regardless of sexuality preference gender anything look total across the board fairness get out of my house you fucking free shut up because you will we will be devastated when we slag them off we'd honestly i miss them when they're not here i know you don't as much as me but and you have to be here for quite a while for me to miss them but yeah listen to this so when you let the massage person back rubber

the back rubber the back the leg scratcher the leg rubber back rubber leg rubber god i wouldn't shut up so when you let them know this is the ick you let them know that you're undressed and ready for them to come back into the room lying half naked under a towel saying, I'm ready. So is this person a masseuse? No, this person is the one who's... Shaking herself. Because everyone, whenever you get a massage, you have to go, you lie there and you go, I'm ready.

Absolutely horrible. Nothing relaxing about a massage. You hate yourself. Nah. Yeah, I'm not. I like a head massage and a back massage. But a full body one one I always just think are you going to slide

your finger into my crotch oh god but you know when they get near the bum and I'm like oh you're touching me I find it really weird I find it really odd

well I if I I've got really tickly feet and I always forget to tell them about the feet and they touch the first foot and I go like it's always so awkward

sorry sorry I didn't mean I forgot to tell you it would be fun I can't relax I'll kick your fucking teeth out and they touch the first foot, and I go like, ah, not me foot! It's always so awkward. Ah, not me foot! Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean, I forgot to tell you, oh, not me foot! I'll kick your fucking teeth out. I can't relax during them. You know when they do your hand and that? They touch your finger,

and I'm like, you're going to touch the rest of them. So I lie there, just going, I haven't touched the first one. And it's just, my brain goes mental. I can't relax.

Yeah, if they do more stuff on one leg than the other leg, yeah, I'm like, right, well, you did look, I on one leg than the other leg. Yeah, I'm like, right, well, you did look... I'm watering circles for the next week. Hi, after listening this week, it reminded me of a work colleague who went for her annual smear test.

Go for your smear test. Yes. Always go for your smear test. I'm always just astounded by the way these emails start. Hi. Hi, after listening this week, I was reminded of a smear test. Oh, thank... Yesounded by the way these emails start. Hi. Hi. After listening this week, I was reminded of a smear test. Oh, thank you.

Yes, yes. Well, we're doing God's work. They're so important. You know how many women just put off the smear test? They are so, so important. They're not that nice. I'm not going to lie.

They're not, you know, it's a bit when you go for your first one ever. It's like really intrusive but then they're so important. So just stop putting it off and go, and go. There we go.

Many years ago, a colleague of mine arrived at her GP surgery for her smear test appointment. While sitting in the waiting room, she thought she would just nip to the toilet for a wee. Following her wee, she realised there was no toilet paper and didn't want to go in to see the nurse damp. I get that. What?

The word damp really took me by surprise there. I'm not being funny though. That's really the worst thing in the world. You go and someone's going to look at your badge and you've got piss all over it. I totally understand. I totally get it. But I thought it was going to be

because this is the podcast. I thought, you know, I thought it was going to be I didn't want to go in with piss all over me, Fanny. I thought that and that wouldn't have shocked us. But damp came in.

It's just a hard ending. No, no, no. It was just a hard ending on the word damp didn't want to go to see the nurse damp it was just my accent no it was just like a kidney punch it really got us do you like it or it might be might be the name of the nurse hello nurse damp hello nurse damp imagine if your surname was damp i'm telling you right now you're going to get an email of someone who's shut up is that a thing i'm telling you you will is it really someone's surname my name's debbie damp the name's damp debbie damp

is there someone called damp i don't think so i don't think that's a name i bet there is damp yeah and but there'll be then people, when people blatantly... Bookie, bookie. Domp. Yeah, yeah, Domp. Debbie Domp. Well, look, Spammy did the same thing. Spammy.

So, being the resourceful woman that she is, she fished into her handbag and found a tissue to use. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. All good, so she thought. However, what... There's something on this thought. However, what? There's stomachs on this tissue.

Oh, it's a bit of a mystery. It's a mystery you're going to have to guess. Oh, stomachs on this tissue. When she went in the examination room, she was instructed to remove her underwear and lie in the bed. As she opened her legs and the nurse went to commence the procedure, she saw a look of sheer surprise on the practice nurse's face. She appeared from between her legs holding... I don't know exactly what it is is it right now i've just i've just had a guess come on then she rummaged

in her handbag i've had a guess i'll tell you exactly what it is and i'm i would bet a lot of money on this so i know people listening guess along if you write this if you think you're right as well it's chewing gum right okay is that what you're going with well. It's chewing gum. Right, okay. Is that what you're going with? I think it's chewing gum. Right. You're wrong. You're totally wrong. I just lost my hat. I bet my hat.

I quickly went online and bet my house. You see, we've got to go. It's all my... Get lost, isn't it? She appeared from between her legs holding a first class stamp. That's even better.

That's so good. It must have been caught in the tissue within her handbag and the glue had been moistened by when she wiped herself and had stuck to her vagina. I believe she changed to a different surgery after this incident. Imagine having a stamp stuck on your vag. Oh, God. Oh, what a review.

First class funny. Here it is. Stick me in the post box. I'm done. Oh, that's wonderful. First class stamp. Stuck on vagina with piss. With piss?

This is our job. This is my job. Moistened it again, innit? Wow. Wow. First class damp. Oh, hasn't it? Wow. Wow. First class damp. Oh. Eh?

First class dump. Oh, there we go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, guys. Love the show. So, last week, you take down about urban froobing and thought I'd continue your froob education. Oh, God. Poor froobs, by the way.

We're a big froob fan in this house. The real ones. Oh, yeah, there's always two boxes of actual Froobz in our fridge sorry guys Robin loves the fact that there's jokes on the front of the cover

yeah no they are delicious maybe if anyone from Froobz is listening maybe update your jokes he knows them all now it'll be nice to have a little bit more fresh laughter

around the house but carry on Froobz are good for younger kids as well because have you ever seen a baby eating a yoghurt horrendous awful

I literally go to Ray if I go do you want a yoghurt give him a fruit but I just literally squeeze it into his mouth like two pieces and then I leave no mess whatsoever

that's great I used to be a cop in a rough city in the UK this sounds like a lie do we say some people say cops policemen say cops do they

yeah yeah there's a there's actually a policeman a stand-up comedian policeman on the circuit really yeah yeah so he used to be a policeman I think he still was a policeman for a's actually a policeman a stand-up comedian policeman on the circuit really yeah yeah

so he used to be a policeman I think he still was a policeman for a bit while he was doing stand-up and he used to see a cop all the time and I remember the first few times I saw him I was like what the hell

but then I think they just call each other cops that was my phone sorry I'm still waiting for Ikea to ring yeah I think they say a cop I'm a cop

bit weird I once arrested a lady in the night for assault and when booking her in at the station she had two used condoms in her bra. She then explained that some people would pay prostitutes to keep putting us condoms warm

so they could down the contents. No. So she has sex with someone. So she has sex with one client. let's call them. Keeps the condom. She keeps the condom. And then another client's like, been a busy night?

Oh, really busy. How many you got? And then she keeps them warm in her bra. And then a monkey horrible end of the night client, who probably doesn't even book, just drinks the comula, out of the condom and she goes that's

how much £20 please do you want why for both of them I'm not paying I'm not paying £20 each sorry I went in a character erm

that's that's wrong grim isn't it why so it's just it's a genuine thing but at least you're not

picking them off the floor I suppose oh sorry no no you're just pulling them off the floor I suppose oh sorry no no you're just pulling up where have they been pulling up on the bloody

back of the train station pulling up on the back of the train station or whatever in your car window down oh I love you after a good time

no you got any strange ass jizz on your person that I can purchase drink and be on me merry way please love I'm not being funny

if I was a prostitute, they'd be me favourite clients. Well, yeah, but you've got to have the other ones to keep the demand. you're thinking I'd fucking, are you joking us?

I'd be making potions and everything. Well, you did have the spells in your book. So you'd be making fake jizz to sell. Absolutely. Okay. There'd be no,

I don't think we should talk about this on here because this is a very profitable business that we're giving away the IDF on here we should delete this

trademark it you know rosiespunk.com yeah rosiespunks.com yeah no that sounds bad

how can we get it out to the bigger market oh froobs no that's already done we should take

this on dragons den yeah yeah fake spunk make fake spunk because they'll need them for them daft videos they do on porn as well where they've got Oh, Froob's. No, that's already done. We should take this on Dragon's Den. Yeah? Yeah. Fake spunk, make fake spunk. Because they'll need them for them daft videos they do on porn as well, where they've got like a 10-foot rubber knob and it comes for 45 minutes on someone.

Sorry, what? Oh, you've not seen them? No. Okay, we've got a good afternoon ahead of us. What happens on them? Never seen the fake video? Yes, you said, I'm sure you said before you'd seen them, where there's like fake videos,

where there's like a massive fake rubber dick stop turning this on me you've been watching rubber dick porn and now you're hasn't everyone no hasn't everyone

you're not aware of this no I have no idea it's fake rubber knobs right and you can always tell because the guy like a strap on yeah but

it's like yeah but the guy's always holding he never leaves loose of it because he's got a hold of it right obviously it's just gonna fall off because it's just fake it's just gonna pressed up against him and then

like fake like milky rank fake jizz comes out it looks it looks like someone because that's probably someone's thing but it looks like someone's just threw a glass of milk at the woman but several glasses of milk so is it do you think they've ran out do you think they couldn't keep hard or no well i think it's it's that bigger and better thing isn't it it's like obviously they're like oh videos where people jizz on people off off what popular personally so let's personally turn my stomach yeah oh rotten who's getting off oh it's art it's art and you're slagging off people it's vile it's vile i think that's disgraceful i've had to taste it well what are you making and i'm sorry you've got to look in their eyes you're trying to get pleasurable. No, no.

They look devastated. They look fucking gutted. You are not enjoying this. Not enjoying this at all. And all their eyes are saying is hurry the fuck up. Yeah. I need to get a shower.

Oh, God. It makes us feel so sad, actually. Pure sad porn. I like nice porn where everyone's enjoying themselves. Disney porn. Yeah, just good, nice porn. Not fucking... Oh, porn and it's yeah just good nice porn not fucking

oh horrible anyway but you've only tasted so much spunk because you're trying to perfect your recipe and that's fine that's work

I've already got I know what I'm going to put in it oh go on then three old mayonnaise when it goes not when it goes see through

offensive carry on why because I'm offended why are you offended I'm offended because you're saying that it's offensive

why is it offensive you're saying that it's offensive why is it offensive you're saying that my product that I produce oh god we'll put a bit of yours in just for the celeb factor whoa

whoa whoa mate imagine the clicks well could that's what I could do from now on at these parties

right yeah never mind the hell always how you're doing right jizzing this cup Rosie I'm gonna sell it online we couldn't be asked to get celebrity questions of people at these parties right yeah never mind the hellos how you doing right jizzing this cup Rosie I'm gonna sell it online

we couldn't be asked to get celebrity questions of people we gave that up immediately you think you're gonna get famous people wanking the cups for you you're joking aren't you

thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed which is part of the ACAST creator network I'm going to bed okay good stuff well thank you very much

yeah as always thank you so much for listening if you want to get in touch shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and National Company Awards please vote we love you bye

bye bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece symphony exploder april 5th at roy thompson hall for tickets visit tso.ca rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.