Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 204. Three blind wipes

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

The podcast this week covers all sorts! From pelvic floor exercises to spittoons to a unusual talent from a 12 year old. All of this plus Beefs, a record breaking ick and and update on Rosie's jotters! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmar Denoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. dot ca Dragging it out. Just this illness will not fuck off. No.

So, yeah. But Sandra said go for a long walk and that'll make us better. So I'll do that later. That's Sandra's answer to everything, actually. I once heard her telling that to a man who just lost his leg in an accident. Walk it off. Go on, walk it off. Fresh air.

Crazy. Fresh air in me fragile throat. Have we talked about as well, the other day when she came in to our house and we were going to give Rafe some raisins on a morning and instead of raisins, she decided raisins had too much sugar so she gave him a handful of Pringles.

Have we talked about that? No. This woman who, I don't believe, I'm starting, the way she goes on with our kids, I'm starting to not believe the stories from your childhood. I feel like you're lying. About what? I feel like she was amazing and you got whatever you wanted and you're just full of shit. You're full of shit saying that. We never got anything. She did it this morning again. She went, I'll give him some. She comes in and just gives him Pringles.

Yeah, I don't recognise her. I don't recognise her. She was vile to me when we were growing up. A vile? Let's not start off a slagging of Sandra. Oh, vile. I love you, Sandra. I'm only joking. Yes. I tolerate you, Sandra.

Annoyingly, I am going to go for a walk because you've put it in my mind and I'm going to go. She's good, man. She's good. Listen, it is episode 204. That's a nice number. How exciting is that? 204.

So exciting, I'm going to piss myself. Oh, that's speaking of pissing myself yeah oh you've been doing a lot oh my god right so yeah just being pissed me coughing because i've had a cough and luckily i'm on my period yay woo on my period as well so having a cough and being on your period is good because i wear period pants you must be on your period for half of these podcasts yeah Yeah, I know. It's very, it must be very hard to listen to because I can imagine

my mood goes up and down. Well, yeah. Very hot liver. Look, I'm just one of them women. What are you going to do? I'm a very emotional woman.

Yeah, yeah. So anyway, being coughing and pissing myself and being like, I'm all right because I've got my period pants on. Brilliant.

So. What a, what a way to settle. What a way to just settle in your own filth. I know. But I have borrowed my sister's thing. Oh, let's talk about that.

Right, let's do the intro and let's talk about that. That was one of the worst things that's ever happened. Right. I almost don't want to do the sponsor. I've got to do the sponsor. I'll pay the bills. It is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is, it's going to be my

new application i'm going to put forward and try to get it in the olympic games all right okay musical statues i love musical hey hey i was at a kid's party the other day and i was watching them play musical statues and it was one of the most exhilarating things i've watched for a long time you need to get it. Swear to God, World Cup, it shat all over the World Cup. Most UFC events

shat all over. It was fucking tense. I heard how Robin was really good. He's really, really good. The guy was right in his ear doing pumping noises trying to make him

put him off and he didn't put him off and he gave him a thing of how he go. But I was standing next to this bloke, one of the dads and I was just like,

mate, this is fucking incredible. This is a spectator sport. Can you imagine getting like, you know how people who can do like the robot and like body popping? Can you imagine getting them to do musical statues on a fucking large scale?

Competitive musical statues. And then you like fucking blast loads of it or you fucking hose them down, like spray them. Right, and whoever's just doing it. Loads of stuff, yeah. How is that not a game show? How is that not a Saturday night game show there's a new game show

delete it delete this Daisy delete this get this copyright Chris and Rosie Ramsey 2023 yeah 2023

what are we going to call it I don't know well I had an idea years ago of a game show where you bring back all the games from when you were a kid

so you play Kirby you play musical statues you play like nana's granny's footsteps well yeah like what time is it mr wolf yeah all of that blocker blocker where you where you yeah i don't know if everyone around the country knows what blocker is but blocker was where one it's like hide and seek but with a base so one person's at the base counting and the other people have to get a lot of names yeah buzz off by one two three is one of them just abuse really that wasn't it we started kicking, beating someone up.

We played it daily at my school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking about that. School was a lawless wasteland. Because if you dropped anything, people shouted Scramble, and it was just thievery. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I dropped my dinner money once. I dropped my change, and people shouted Scramble, and they all picked it up. And I was like, okay, there's my dinner money gone. Because they shouted Scramble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your haircut, fuggy crack, whack. Right across the thing money gone because the shout would scramble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your hair cut,

fuggie crack, whack, right across the thing. New shoes, christen them, stamp on your new shoes. Yeah, birthday bumps.

Birthday bumps. It was just- The poo corner at St. Bede's, I've told you about that. We've talked about this before, the poo corner. I don't think I know

about the poo corner. It wasn't real poo. Oh, Chris, man, this is infants at St. Bede's. The poo corner, it was where the drain was and whenever, sometimes people go, get in the poo corner

you still have to stand there and pretend diarrhea was coming down on you right okay we've talked about it we've actually talked about it years ago so for all the new listeners

that's what we used to do at school that's what you've missed tuning in just now like some kind of mug you've missed poo corner and all kinds of amnesty in between

playing gummy bears because that was epic right okay gummy bears used to play that well yeah I've always said yeah Kirby all them bring them back poo corner and all kinds of amics. In between playing Gummy Bears because that was epic. Right, okay. Gummy Bears used to play that. Well, yeah, I've always said, yeah, Kirby, all them, bring them back,

bring them back for adult game shows. You could do a blocker one, right? Or like a special hiding seat one. And the camera could be from above. Right. And it would be like Takeshi's Castle. You could see where the people are going to look for them and it would be like,

oh, look who's going around the outside. I feel like, Chris. Gemma Collins is going around the outside celebrity blocker oh does it gotta be celebrities oh celebrity blocker

yeah like fucking Joey Essex is given 110% like he always does I don't know why they're all only people that's just come off the top of my head yeah

I don't know Chesney Hawks will get him on yes loads of like oh god it would be amazing well why don't we listen

yeah let's get this off the ground celebrity blocker I think I think not just Celebrity Blocker but Kirby would be in it Celebrity Kirby

so when guys when you see me back on the circuit doing the comedy clubs all the small comedy clubs on weekends and stuff it's because me and Rosie went bankrupt

because we poured all of our money into Celebrity Blocker we'll film it in the Bahamas we'll film it on a big island, like Fort Boyard. You know we're going to get emails

and Twitters and whatever saying this has been done. Oh, yeah, yeah, 100%. But, oh, musical bumps. Yeah. Let's break some arse cheeks. Right, that's a bit upsetting. Why?

I can just see us now, just in the middle, the channel won't pay for it. We'll fund it ourselves. And they were bankrupt. Let's do it. I think this could happen you know I'm excited about that

honestly I can't be arsed I can't be arsed I'll do it by myself okay fine you can host it I'll find another male co-host who'll do it with us plenty

plenty plenty you will have to warn them about how regular and violent your periods are oh no I don't do it

with anyone else I'm lovely to everyone else. Oh, brilliant. Yeah, total professionalism. Listen, let's play this jingle and then talk about the horrible, horrible thing that you borrowed

from your sister. Could say gifted, actually. Awful. Does she not want it back? But I mean, yeah, she might. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. That's the noise. Found a new little thing. Yes, hello, welcome back. So, yeah, the other day you were... Obviously, if you were a superhero at the moment, trampolines and coffin would be your kryptonite. Yes. Because they just make you uncontrollably piss your pants.

Because I had two very large babies. Yes. And they've knackered. Like most women. Right, right, right, right. Two seconds. Stop doing that. I'm going to have to interrupt the audio medium

and describe visually what's going on here. The other day, I picked a box up. The thing we're talking about, I picked a box up. Quite a cool looking box, like a computer game or something. I picked it up and I started rifling through it while reading the front. It was on the kitchen bench. What does it say on the front of the box, Rosie? The world's best

pelvic toner vaginal exerciser. There we go. So I immediately dropped it and slid it across the bench, kicked it onto the floor I think, if I remember rightly. Now Rosie has it and it looks like a little pair of tongs, doesn't it? It does, like tongs but then with a penis shape at the end. Like a dildo.

Yes. Or a head. Yes. What do you call them? Bellends? Yes. What's the medical term? Tip, maybe?

The end? What's the medical term for the end of your... The hood? It can't be called bellend. The doctor doesn't go, hello, sir, yes, come on, get your bellend out. What's it called? No, the doctor just calls me a bellend the doctor doesn't go hello sir yes come on get your bellend out what's it called no no the doctor

just calls me a bellend before I'm even oh yes you again your bellend oh my god what's it called the end of your knob helmet helmet

I don't know I don't know anyway we all know what the fuck we're talking about stop saying bellend alright but it's just that

and it's so it's plastic it's got springs in so you insert it inside of you and then you've got to open it and it opens

it opens quite scarily wide huge springs because my kid I went that's quite wide she was like oh you'll be absolutely fine i was like i think you'll find i didn't have my baby's vagina actually so i'm like a mouse's ear down there tight as a fucking cat's anus so you know it you know it so you put that in and then you let it go you let it open up and then what you've got to do you've got to sit for 10 minutes you've got to try it you've got to close it with your insides and this is and she said it works really well so um i'm desperate to try it because i'm sick of pissing myself borrow this off your sister and then left it on the kitchen bench and now you're just sitting messing about with it it is she has cleaned it she did say you might want to sterilize it but

we've got the same fanny juice we're from from the same mam, so I'm not bothered. Does that make sense? We've got the same DNA, me and her. Yeah. Same germs, same everything. Wow. I'd lick her piss. Oh!

I actually didn't mean to say that, and I don't know why I said I'd lick her piss. I meant to say I'd lick her spit. It's the same as mine, but it came out piss. I speak for everyone when i say um we're all equally disgusted by all of those things you don't have a brother or sister yeah well you know there's not many that just all i wouldn't do my brothers right is that bad there's less people in the world whose piss i would lick i'd lick that piss what the hell's

going on i was only joking i was just joking. But thanks, Kate. I'll use it. I'll hopefully transform myself and then you can have it back. Yeah, so the best way to describe it if anyone doesn't know what it looks like,

it's like a tongs but a knob and it's like a dildo that's split in half. She says you do need lube for it. But I thought I could just spit on it.

I just can't. Awful. Did you enjoy it? Do you know what it is, right? His face looks so sad on it. I just can't. Awful. Do you know what it is, right? His face looks so sad right now. I'm really upset. A lot's been done in the comedy world. A lot's been done about the difference between men and women. And a lot of critics would call it hack.

Call it old hat, sorry. But I think the main difference between men and women here are brother or not i can't imagine ever borrowing my mates or brothers if i had one uh knob extending thing no knob yeah oh you have me knobs i've got that knob i've got one of them knob relaxers you just put it on and then like lift your knob up and it relaxes. Can I borrow yours? Yeah, absolutely. How much are they? A couple of quid. Borrow mine. Here, have mine that's been

around my knob and then put it on your kitchen bench. It was next to Robin's pencil case. Put it there. Yeah, yeah. Just here. Essence of my knob all around your house

mate there you go well I don't know I don't know I think women are more open about things like that maybe there might be women

listening to this thinking I'm a scruffy bitch I don't know there might be women listening going oh I would never so I'll get that but

not just from this from things you've said over the years oh probably yeah they've probably tuned out a long time ago I imagine you've I'm not really that bothered

I could buy my own I suppose but I just think've got, yeah. I'm not really that bothered. I could buy my own, I suppose, but I just think, well, she's got one. I might as well. It's clean. It's been washed. So I might as well just... There's this thing in it, though, it's like when they say,

you know, you believe in all spirits and hocus pocus and that. If something bad's happened in a room, you're like, oh, the energy of it's there. You know, that's... Do you think that's going to transfer? You might as well just... Honestly, you might as well go around the house

and just give her a good bloody scissoring right now. Oh, my God! Oh, Chris, don't. That's going to transfer. You might as well just, honestly, you might as well go around the house and just give her a good bloody scissoring right now. Oh, my God. Oh, Chris, don't. That's not funny. Oh, that's not, that's horrible. You literally just said you'd lick her piss, so don't you dare. Don't you dare.

That's not sexual, though, is it? That's incest what you're talking about. It would be. Basically incest via proxy. Yeah, you're incesting each other with a big plastic thing. No, we're fucking not. Why are you? It's just, it's a medical thing.

Yeah, well, you're going to cover in lube and hype your fanny. Shut up, man. Wow, wow. You're telling me you're not going to wait until I go out and have you sell a glass of wine and a nice hot bath with that? Yeah, bullshitter. Don't you? Oh, it's medical.

Mom, mom, it's medical. Don't come in. Don't come in. I'm doing medical stuff. I mean, you are on another planet if you think hiking that up is and trying to close it

is going to be any way pleasurable I'm dreading it I haven't done it yet I'm absolutely shitting myself even your kid bloody scissoring timbers oh yeah

ridiculous I'm sorry that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard I'll pack my stuff I'll pack my stuff God forbid if anyone wants to be kidney

they might fall in love with us as soon as it's near me heart you psycho don't you be giving kidneys away for free right the black market I'll pack me stuff. God forbid if anyone wants to be kidney, they might fall in love with us. It's nearly hard. You psycho. We'll be giving kidneys away for free, right? The black market, when times get tough,

when we lose our money trying to do this game show, both kidneys, both of your kidneys and one of mine are going on the black market. I'm not being funny. I mean, God forbid it ever happened, but if you think I'm giving you my kidney and me having to put down my intake of wine, then you're on another fucking planet, mate.

Wow. Conjuring. It's much when you've only got one kidney. Right, there we go. That's what I heard. Wow, okay. So sorry. I would do it for the kids. Great.

Can't do it for them. Just a lovely time. What a lovely time to hear that. Thank you. Love you. Rosie, it's their last chance. What? It is their last chance.

What? If you are listening now, it is your last chance to vote for It is their last chance. What? If you are listening now, it is your last chance to vote for us in the National Comedy Awards. It's desperate. Honestly, I don't like the idea of going to that night out and sitting there and not getting up and winning

at least one of the two awards we're nominated for. We're one of the very few people nominated for two awards. And like we've said, you are the only female in both of those categories. Sisters! Sisters! Don't be fun and play the sister card.

All you've done is slate with fannies for the last 10 minutes. Cast your vaginal exercises away for the night. Cast your vagina. You can do it while you're doing your vaginal exercises. You just click on it now, just while you're toning that pelvic floor. Now, genuinely, like, you know, it would be lovely if you voted.

Thank you very much. I'm not going to ask again after this. And if you haven't, you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves. Ashamed of yourselves. No, it would be lovely if you voted thank you very much I'm not going to ask again after this and if you haven't you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves no it would be lovely to win

thank you very much just even one of them but vote for both of them but thank you in advance which one would you rather win the TV show because we got the

podcast one from last year I mean you would love them all I'm less fussy no it would be you know what it is it would be really nice to do what the footballers say

was it the do the double we'll do the double that would be nice right okay right I get you I just need to go on stage at the comedy awards accept an award

and undo the dog shit speech that you did last year yeah that would be horrendous yeah I need to fix that yeah I might I might not say anything yeah I don't think you should I think it's time for once in comedy that the straight white guy gets to speak It was horrendous. Yeah, I need to fix that. Yeah, I might not say anything.

Yeah, I don't think you should. I think it's time for once in comedy that the straight white guy gets to speak. Absolutely. Yeah. If you could have told me 10 years ago that I would have been getting a National Comedy Award for something that I had put in quite a lot of stuff, like 50%, I wasn't just on the team.

Oh, yeah, no, you weren't at the Office Junior. Of the thing. If you told me I would have got that I would have laughed my head off and not in a million years did I ever think that this podcast

and we would be doing as well so yeah I was really overwhelmed last year at that it was really weird and I had enough off street

big names there as well yeah yeah crazy but anyway if you have voted thank you already of course and even

do you know what the fact that you're listening the fact that this has become what it has become and it's spawned a TV show and a book and all kinds Yeah, crazy, but anyway. If you have voted, thank you already. Of course. And even, do you know what? Like, the fact that you're listening, the fact that this has become what it has become, and it's spawned a TV show and a book and all kinds. It's lush. Thank you for everything you've done for us. We really appreciate it.

But I'm asking for one more thing. You can fucking vote now, both of them. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Well, well, well. It's time for another edition. Well, well, well. It's time for another edition. Well, well, well. It's time for another edition of Rosie's Jotters.

Rosie's Jotters Jotting all her memories Of Rosie's Jotters All the laughing sweets they'll shield Just a Catholic girl Looking for a bit of light relief. Oh, come and join us in reading Rosie's Jotters. Yeah.

Okay, so today on Rosie's Jotters, we are going to read from Rosie Winter, Year 4, English. I miss that name. Now, just for anyone who isn't familiar with Rosie, here is Tuesday, September the 6th of whatever year that was, all about me. Right at the beginning of English, Rosie's just written a little thing all about herself. And I think it still rings true today.

Really? My name is Rosie. I am eight years old. I have brown hair. I take size 12 in shoes. Wow. I live with my mum, dad,

sister and brother. My mum or dad gets cross with me when I don't come in for my dinner and they are pleased when I tidy my room. See how that's first. Terrifying them.

Yeah. I was terrified. Why have I put that first all about me? I get wrong off my mum and dad all the time. This is trauma, this. I think you're trying

to look edgy. Pure trauma. I don't come in for my dinner but I just don't bother I come in when I want man I'll eat a cola I don't give a fuck please when I tidy my room

I wish you would tidy your room these days the clothes I most enjoy and this is this has never changed is this the fashion list no no this is the clothes I most enjoy

wearing at home are my and you're still wearing them this day denim dungarees oh yeah I day, denim dungarees. Oh yeah, I love a denim dungaree. The clothes I most enjoy wearing. Third thing about you, denim dungarees.

Fucking hell. My favourite food is come on. Jack o' potato? No. Close. Chips? And? Beans? No. Fish? Could be here a while. Chips and gravy.

Oh, I do love chips and gravy, actually. My favourite toy is Lammy the Llama. Oh, where did he end up? Broken home. Probably on the streets. He's left his in a strange-ass loft right now. And my best programme? Oh, Queen's Nose?

No. Oh, eight. Wild House? Neighbours fucking hell how fucking boring you're always watching Neighbours what the hell are you doing a really traumatised one

Carl Kennedy love the drama Carl Kennedy at lesson time I like art the best I find it's bullshit no that's what you wrote

I find I find hardest is math and this is in the English book. First page, I'll let you. What I would like to be best at is maths. Outside, what I most like doing is playing netball. Yeah, I did like netball. So there we go.

That's funny. That's something I can be writing. It's really neat. That's good. I'm only a year older than Rob, aren't I? Yeah, right. Wow. Wow are we, wow.

Now we're getting to the good stuff. And I was youngest in my year. At the middle pages, it's loads of answers and questions and sentences and loads of fucking shit, right? But then at the middle pages, I found a story you've written.

Oh, right. Called Winning the National Lottery. Right. Nice. And I think we've all been there, right? What, winning the lottery, I wish? Hoping that we could win that when we were kids.

Mate, do you not remember the lottery came out and it was like huge. Fucking mad. We would tune in every week and be like, did we get that? What's the number? We'd all sit.

Everyone got around the telly and like on the edge of your seat. Better than most dramas that are on the telly now. Didn't they have all that stuff on the show as well? Wasn't there like a big show? Oh, it was a band on. It was massive. It was huge.

It was a massive game show. And then people quickly sort of caught on and go you know you can just get these off teletext tomorrow oh yeah or you can go to the shop

and then the internet came up and that was that so winning the lottery you ready for this I am it's a fucking rollercoaster right

it was Friday evening just past nine o'clock my mum said go to bed it's getting lateclock my mum said go to bed it's getting late dear okay mum dear I used to put dear

all the time in stories if you like the word dear brace yourself because I'll be honest with you I think it made it sound older it makes a few fucking appearances

I can't believe you remembered that I did so it's nine o'clock. My mum said, go to bed. It's getting late, dear. Okay, mum. So, I went to bed. Then my mum said, dear.

Dear, don't forget to get the last lottery ticket. am i spelling right yeah yeah yeah good night dear oh dear yeah where we're from bed it's getting late dear okay ma'am and then dear don't forget to get the national lottery ticket and if we win you will be able to go to Disneyland because you have always wanted to go there. And it's the last day to get them. I feel like the mother in this story is putting far too much pressure on the child to get the national lottery ticket.

How old am I? Eight? Yeah, why is the child getting them? Anyway. So you need a good night's sleep because you've got to get the tickets tomorrow. Right. Oh, Jesus. Pressure's on.

Fucking Sherpa. Get a Sherpa. Go on a trek. Get them tickets. In the night, I couldn't get to sleep. It's like the night was never ending. So I went downstairs for a glass of milk. Then my little brother came down.

He's called Kevin. But I... Now this is one of the weirdest things I've ever read in my life, right? This is so... Why your teacher didn't comment on this? Are you ready? I don't know.

But he is called Kevin. I haven't changed his name. So that's real. Well, yeah. So I went downstairs for a glass of milk. Then my little brother came down. He's called Kevin. But I call him Elvis Presley.

Because I hate Elvis Presley. And he's only five, so you can understand what it's like living with a five-year-old then kevin said i'm going to tell mom because it's early in the morning so and i'm and i'm going to tell dad that you are drinking his milk that he uses for his tea in the morning so there na na na na na then ma then i'm all shook up for his tea in the morning. So there. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Then ma... Then ma... I'm all shook up. I don't know. Thank you very much.

Then ma said, Dear... Dear, go and get ready. Then me and my brother looked at each other. I'm going to get to the bathroom first. But when he got there first, but you know the night went really slowly and the day went really fast. It came to seven o'clock. Oh, God. on the music came on and i got so i got my ticket

and i sat right in front of the tv so she's got the ticket you didn't even get that good night's sleep but she managed she managed to get that ticket sat right in front of the tv i was shaking and then you've put little lines around shaking. Very good. That's clever. All right, okay. He put his hand in the pot thing. The first number that came out, you'd never watch the lottery at this point because it was a machine from day one.

Was it? The man was not doing his hands. Not like the bingo. You're thinking of the fucking, you're thinking of the every cup draw. The first number that came out was 44. I couldn't believe it was the first number on my card. Oh, shit.

I'm invested. I've got a number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got the first number, right? I had to go out of the room. When it was finished, I went back into the room and my mum said, we had won. What I said?

Yes, I said. Mum, what should I spend it on? I said. I know. Let's go to Disneyland, mum. Can I get a house? Hang on. Okay. Is this... Yes, you can. I spend it on I said I know let's go to Disneyland mam can I get a house hang on okay is this

yes you can but not now so we went to get our tickets and we had a wonderful time the end is that it

that's it so I won the lottery you won the lottery you go to Disneyland mam is going to

get 8 year old you a house but not yet you went to Disneyland first Brilliant What a lovely time Best thing about it for me

Wait I've lost the fucking page I don't Was there a teacher's comment? There was a teacher's comment Okay Best bit of the year The teacher's written Brilliant

Which I find That's over marked It's classic It's strictly Christmas special All over again this Over marked Brilliant I hope you really win Rosie

Three house points. That's a fucking joke. She was invested in us. Fucking hell. I'll tell you what. We're all there. She was after money. If you won,

that's what that teacher was after. Fucking bribery. Remember, I said it was brilliant. God. That was a rollercoaster. Rosie's brother is real, everyone.

And he's a very good plasterer. And if anyone wants any plastering done, it's at elvispresleyplastering.com Why the fuck? That's so random. It's not.

It's not. Don't Google that. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Speaking of my brother, Elvis slash Kevin. Yeah. He's recently been sending me loads of air fryer recipes

because he follows pages on Instagram of air fryers and he follows this guy. Did you just nearly say the Instagram? Nearly did, but I don't know why I did that. I'm always here to pick up new mistakes and stuff. Thank you, thank you. So he's been sending us loads of recipes, like Texners, Instagram and loads.

And I was like, oh, I was like, what was the last thing you made and all that? And he doesn't actually have one. He doesn't have an air fryer? He doesn't have an air fryer he doesn't have an air fryer but he keeps sending me recipes and he follows people

and I'm like that's really bizarre really weird that you do that that's really strange maybe he's just looking for a way to connect with you

that's quite nice but what a silly what a stupid thing to do just buy like get an air fryer yeah and then use all the stuff that you make

why is he following it well I don't know a he following it why don't we a bit of entertainment I don't know people follow I follow luxury car accounts sometimes they have cars

that I don't have and things that I you know I follow stuff no I know but I'm sorry I follow people I travel

and I'm never going to go anywhere he is he's alright for an air you can buy an air fryer right okay it's not it's not like

luxury items that are unattainable in your life he can buy an air fryer and he could do these things. I just find it really odd that he's... When I found out he didn't have one, I was like, well, what is this?

Why have you been doing this? Is it a hint? Does he want me to air fry all his shit? Send it down to him? Don't air fry shit. Imagine that. Ooh. Good God.

I'm 100% expecting in a couple of years' time it to come out that air fryers boil your insides and kill you. I know. It's so fucking incredible how quick they cook things. They're brilliant. We've had it for years on the podcast, but I've beefed before about it. You always forget to do me garlic bread.

You hear that I have garlic bread and everything, you forget to do me garlic bread. Genuinely forget, though. It's because if I'm not using the oven for anything, which I do most of the cooking on the hob, we'll have quite hobby meals. Hobby. Don't know why that's...

We just don't cook much in the oven. Yeah. So it's never on. So I never put the garlic bread in. So picture this. I come down from putting the kids to bed, toiling away. I come down,

tea being made. Where's me garlic bread? Oh, tea's ready. Garlic bread's frozen in the freezer. Oven's not on. 10 minutes to heat up, 20 minutes to do it. Air fryer, two and a half minutes, garlic bread oh tea's ready garlic bread's frozen in the freezer oven's not on 10 minutes to heat up 20 minutes to do it air fryer

two and a half minutes garlic bread done unbelievable I feel like I feel like we're going to pay for this in the long run well I don't mind

it's going to be a thing that we'll find out and go by the way do you know the fact what it did to the food I don't like I don't know like Dorian Gray

I feel like there's going to be some you know like the Dorian Gray he's like stays good looking to be some you know like the Dorian Gray he's like stays good looking forever but there's a painting of him in his loft

and it's like rotting away oh yeah yeah yeah I feel like we're going to pay some huge huge price well we'll see we'll see

they didn't know about smoking now they do vapes they're apparently knackering everyone's lungs I don't know what's going on

why are people not smoking but vaping why are people just starting to vape we've talked about this before I find it very strange

when I see a child vaping. Really, really fucking weird. How about just don't vape? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful about it. It's a girl. Thompson Hall. For tickets, six, six. It's the mother of the devil. Movie of the year. I'm not real.

I'm not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's your beef, eh? What is your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Let it all out. What's your beef? Come on. My beef with you is... Come on, let's dance. Let's dance. Come on, I'm ready. I'll fucking dance with you, little twat bag. Start it. Start it. Start it. I think I'm quite hard, you know.

Do you? Yeah, you're wrong. Do you? Do you think I'm hard? I think I could be quite hard. I don't think you'd be quite hard. Not at all. You've never seen me in an argument. That doesn't make you hard. That doesn't make you hard. Well, I mean I'm quite good at arguing.

Backing it up makes you hard, mate. Right, well, I can't back it up. That's why I do all my arguing on the internet. And in emails. And from a moving car. How well did me want some? And I'm gone. I'll fight you.

You're talking to me on Tudor brick. I'm not the out-of-your-car. Bottled it in. He's saying bottled it. Look at him. He bottled it. He didn't even chase

me car for a fight. Anyway. I'll tell you what, the time a man offered me out-of-your-car. Wow. That was fun. That sounds like something someone would do.

So weird. Yeah, yeah. A bloke once told me to pull over so he could punch me facing. Yeah, I didn't pull over. No, I don't mean, why would you? I'm all right for that punch, thank you, sir. You need to work on your incentivisation, mate. Pull over.

Well, why ever for? So I can punch your face in. Oh, goodness. That's not what I... Will it be quick? I'm late for a meeting. pull over why ever fall so I can punch your face and oh goodness it's not what I will it be quick I'm late for a meeting my beef with you you've been doing this

for years I don't think I've ever done this and I can't believe I've not done this years you've been doing this right and I don't think

I don't think you do it maliciously I don't think you're trying to mansplain or anything like that I think it's just your personality right

so I can't tell if that's good or not okay no because you've just got a bit of a it's just your personality and people who've been listening to the podcast for years will understand what i mean right so you will keep explaining something once i've said to you that i know what you mean i've got an example i've wrote a script but i'll just do it with me so chris this is you to me and you said do you know the UFC ultimate champion I would definitely call you dear

at the beginning Rosie dear yeah there we go you said to me the other night do you know the UFC ultimate champion the thing okay so

immediately so me I have replied what do you want to say UFC ultimate champion what's it called is not a thing what's it called

the program well this is why I explain things again and again what's the program called because you're always not fucking listening what's the called the program well this is why I explain things again and again because you're always not fucking listening what's the program called

the ultimate fighter the ultimate fighter well okay well I wrote this down about an hour later on my phone so you said to me you said to me

do you know the the ultimate fighter and I replied yes because I do know what you mean because you've been talking about it

for years and I know exactly what you mean and then you Chris you know they're all competing competing the competition all of the fighters the compete now i went yeah i know i've seen it before you've showed us you've told us and then you went it's on the telly it's like the show where they're all competing now and i fucking know

what you mean i've told you yes i know what you're talking about carry on with what you want to say i when i said yes i knew what you meant if i didn't know what you meant chris i would have went no i don't know what you're talking about okay okay you know you do this don't you yes but do you know that sometimes when i say things like you know the ultimate fighter you give me a yes like you give to our five-year-old when he's asking if you're watching him while he's trying to do something and you're actually not watching him you give me a yeah yeah like you don't want the conversation normally you're watching him while he's trying to do something and you're actually not watching him. You give me a yeah. You don't want the conversation.

Normally you're still looking at your phone and you haven't looked up to engage with my conversation. The fact that you wrote down ultimate fighting champion, which wasn't the thing I told you about, goes on to further prove me point that you don't fucking listen.

At moments I was listening and I knew exactly what you said so in future you could just go do you know UFC the fight I want to go

fucking hell guys guys guys she can't even repeat the back to us now because she doesn't she's not listening

and she doesn't care oh my god anyway I'm just saying in the future you could just say do you know that thing and I'd go yeah

and then you go well such and such rather than have to make sure you don't have to need don't need to make sure that you know what I'm talking about

it seemed like I didn't make sure enough because a week on from that no but I know what you mean I know what programme you mean I just can't remember the name of it by the way for anyone wondering

we're talking about the fact that the next season of The Ultimate Fighter will be captain team captain by Conor McGregor and Michael Chandler and they'll fight at the end and it's going to be fucking amazing I'm very excited we're talking about the fact that the next season of The Ultimate Fighter will be team captain by Conor McGregor and Michael Chandler, and they'll fight at the end, and it's going to be fucking amazing. I'm very excited.

What channel is it on? It might be on BT Sport. Is that the one that you've bought for that, only that? Yes. Yes. Got it. Couldn't come out of your pocket money. Eh?

That couldn't come out of your pocket money. Okay, fine. That's why I'm going to be illegally downloading it. How did you get rich? i got run over by alexis i always laugh to myself when i legally download something oh we all do it we legally download something and the first thing we don't all do it yeah we do and the first thing on it hang on yeah right here he is there he is that's not as good we've got her come on dear all right maybe maybe we don't i'm joking maybe we don't talk about

legally downloading stuff I'm kidding I'm kidding I will not be illegally downloading no you won't be he's joking

and I'll be hopefully going in person to watch the fight at the end anyway Chandler and McGregor

yes I've said you can go I don't know why you oh you better not because people have been giving me

shit you've said I can go to see Chandler McGregor you are going to go you're going

to the O2 to watch it no no no I've had another cut that's just you've just all your content oh there's another one this one probably in vegas but i've just been given i've just been giving you okay did you hear it no you just you just said all i'm asking is can you just start putting your social engagements on instagram because some women out there only women men not men aren't bothered women think that you are literally trapped in the house and I don't let you go anywhere because they see me out because I post things

when I'm out and you don't so obviously in their heads you never go out anywhere where in fact you actually do

well that's because you don't let me go out no stop it don't it's not funny I've had so many so many things on Instagram

going it's shocking you don't let him out you're out all the time I'm not I'm just tapping the mic I'm just tapping some Morse code Morse code help help my beef with you other than that don't let him out. You're out all the time. I'm not. Just tapping the mic. I'm just tapping some Morse code on there. Morse code, help, help, help.

My beef with you, other than that, you never let us out. You keep us locked in the house. And you go out much more than me. And I'm not allowed to go anywhere. I'm not allowed to have a life. Other than all of that made up stuff. I love it when you go out. Right?

You do, yeah. Because you can get your bloody pelvic floor toner on and a bottle of wine and a big bloody sack of lube. Can't you? Kate, am I doing it right? Disgusting. You're sick. Wow. I mean. My beef with you. Right? sack of lube can't you yeah kid am i doing it right disgusting maybe sick wow um i mean my beef with you right yes sorry my beef with you this week um obviously you've been dragging your illness out it's getting pathetic now um but right uh the other morning you uh sat down

and you coughed a little bit i said how are you feeling you said i and you coughed a little bit i said how are you feeling you said i want you coughed a little bit you got some phlegm in your mouth um and you uh you said you swallowed said phlegm and you said should i be spitting this out and i said absolutely you're probably at the stage now where you're loosening up a bit your congestion you know you get we all get that stage to the end of a cold or whatever you start coughing it up spit it out get rid of it um you said i'm not gonna get up all the time and spit it out can rid of it you said I'm not going to get up all the time and spit it out

can you go and get me a bowl or a cup to spit into you wanted a spittoon a huckle vessel to huckle into

I don't see the problem I was mortified our 70 year old son was absolutely flabbergasted he was devastated it was disgusting do you know I recorded Fortified. Our seven-year-old son was absolutely flabbergasted. He was devastated.

It was disgusting. Do you know I recorded a part of that conversation? Did you? I did, yeah. Did you get it? No, not all of it. I got the bit that Robin said after about someone eating. Right.

I sometimes try to catch things, but it's sometimes too late. It was horrible. You were deadly serious. You went, go and get us. And I went, sorry, what? And you went, can I just get it? And I went, I'm not getting you a ball that you can sit and just huckle into all morning that's fucking disgusting i think if you're poorly it's got to come out somewhere robin yeah go walk to the toilet when i had i had illness over christmas i walked to the toilet i wouldn't mind it if you'd sat there and spat into something but you know what the problem is

rosie you will forget that ball's there you're spitting away for 25 minutes right and you'll fucking knock it over I've got something really upsetting to tell you what I did it the other night in the middle of the night into Rafe's cup

and then halfway during the night Rafe went into his dummy and I knocked it over but luckily it was so grimy that it didn't fall it took so long

to get out so I managed to stand it back up there's an en suite problem up there's an en suite problem solved there's an en suite next to the bed I'm not getting out of bed

that's you're a lazy fucker anyway what one's this this is a conversation in our house that I've just this is the end

of that conversation that I've slyly tried to record but then I think Robin talks about how people something he found disgusting

people chewing my mouth it's only 40 seconds are you ready life in the day of our house here we go day in the life why

Robin do you want me to hop all about starting with a little ball and have it next to her no either way I don't want it why

it's not gonna you're not gonna say it we're just Robin we don't want it you too yeah why You're not going to say it? We just don't want to say it. We don't want it. You too? Yeah.

Why? Because it's horrible. Seriously, I've heard people chew before. Chew? Nearly sick. Nearly sick. I don't like people chewing, do you, mate? No. I don't like people chewing to you mate no horrible

I've heard people chew before nearly sick he's getting sassy isn't he this is not an old west saloon you are not getting a spittoon to hockle in you will walk to the toilet like other civilised human beings, you disgusting lazy pig. Never.

Yes. It's time for questions from the public. Public. Guys, as always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmaridonoid at gmail.com Please continue to send everything. And before you do, quickly go on to National Comedy Awards

and vote for them both and things. Thank you, bye. Yeah, thank you. Dear, dear, dear. Dear. Hello, dear. Dear Chris and Rosie, I'm listening to your most recent podcast episode,

203, and you were talking about nicknames for supermarkets. Okay, I thought this might happen. I thought I'd let you know that in Cambridge, students call the city centre Sainsbury's Mainsbury's fantastic and the big one

that's far away far away far far away Mainsbury not as good but Mainsbury's is very good

Mainsbury's is very good so that was from Megan thank you very much well done that we've got a Mainsbury's we do have a Mainsbury's though we have got everyone's got a big Mainsbury's.

Yeah. Nice. Just thought you might enjoy it. Just little Chris, nothing rude about it. Listen. Just thought you might enjoy it. That's absolutely fine

but please make sure the next story has Blood or Spunk or both. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Hi gang. Rosie's Jotters inspired me to share with you this literary classic

I wrote when I was 12 and obsessed with the Titanic. Yes. What an absolute weirdo. Enjoy. from nicky right you ready it's a script do you want to do you want to do a bit and me do a bit uh yeah but first of all so many kids got obsessed with titanic it was really strange i love titanic a kid in my school in my class got obsessed with it and he came in one day and he'd drawn he'd like sellotape loads of bits of A4 paper together and he'd drawn the fucker wow

like probably about we're talking probably four bits of A4 paper through the Titanic and he folded the whole thing out and he drew it all the little windows everything

amazing drawing like that's incredible and I was like mate it was our eat right so here we go do you want to be someone oh I've always wanted to be someone hasn't happened yet

do you want to share it I want to alright okay I'll to be someone. It hasn't happened yet. Do you want to share it? I want to... Okay. I'll be the lady. You'll be crew. Okay. Are they the only two characters? Just crew and lady.

Crew and lady. Yeah, so it's Titanic at the top. Okay, so this is a play. So I'm crew. Yeah. Everybody... Oh, put some fucking effort into it. What does that say?

Everybody out. All right. Everybody out and put your... What the fuck does that say? Life belts. Fuck me. Zoom in, man. I'm fucking miles away from this.

There we go. So sorry to the person, Nicky, who wrote this because he's going to murder it. Wow. Crew. Okay, so I'm crew. And I'm lady. Everybody out and put your life belts on.

What? That's not what they're called. Life belts. That's not what they're called. She was 12. Well, she's got it wrong. Right, okay. Right.

Everybody out and put your life belts on. What? Get out. Put your life belts on, please, madam. Wait, I just have to get my... Life belts on. 30 minutes later. Wait, I have to get my...

Get into the lifeboat. You don't understand! Women and children first! 30 minutes later. Brr, it's so cold. If I'd only been less stupid and got into the boat, that'll teach me. Five minutes later, she is dead. I mean, it's really fucking grim. A pock-full tale about dawdling there. Yeah.

Don't dawdle. Get your life belt, even though it's not what it's called. Get your life belt on and go straight into the life. Well, don't wait 30 minutes, then 20 minutes, and then five minutes. Be dead.

I just find it funny that that's what she's took from the film, though. Yeah. Look at her dawdling. What a chance to go back and get. What's clever is we don't know what she had to go back and get there. At the end of Inception, where the thing wobbles and you go, and it stops, and you're like, is he dreaming or not? Have I remembered Inception?

No. Really fucking complicated. Okay, good. Is that when they're in the room with the books? It's all weird. Oh, stupid. Like, probably a good film,

but... That's in the stellar. Right. What's Inception? The one where DiCaprio goes into people's dreams. Oh, fuck no. Okay.

What was the one we watched recently? Hey, hey, Christopher Nolan, if you're listening, fuck you what no batmans i was joking oh i love the batmans i'm obviously kidding love them hello both long time listener first time emailer welcome there we go finally fucking pulled your thumb out and did it did you i was listening to this week's podcast uh called nurse damp which sometimes we forget what we've called them yes and then when people pulled your thumb out and did it, did you? I was listening to this week's podcast called Nurse Damp, which sometimes we forget what we've called them. Yes, always.

And then when people remind us, I think that's really weird that we call it Nurse Damp. I remember getting the email and naming that in a hurry. That was fun. When you were saying there must be a surname Damp,

I don't know anyone with the surname Damp, but I do know the Cummy family. Me and my bestie find it hilarious and kind of start laughing. Looking forward to seeing you live again in December. There's a family called the Cummy family. The Cummy? But I can imagine them calling themselves Cummy. So it'll be like Dave Cummy.

Mm-hmm. Wow. Rosie Cummy. Mm-hmm. But once upon a time... Chris Cummy. Chris Cummy. That probably wouldn't have been a funny word, would it?

No, yeah. Cummey. That's the thing. I always worry about that, you know. I always worry about what if something happens on the internet. Someone's going to name something horrible Ramsey and then that's how I name. Yeah. Everyone called Karen must be devastated.

I know. I know. How upsetting is that? I know. I've gone anti-Karen. Well, I know loads of lovely Karens. Yeah. Who, oh, you must be, that's the thing, innit?

Well, I was watching, we're watching The Last of Us. And she's called Bella Ramsey. And I always just think, what happens if someone more famous than you comes out with the same name as you? You're knackered. You're fucked on Google. There is someone called Chris Ramsey. Who?

Is it? I'll kill him. Or the magician. No. Yeah. No, there's another Chris Ramsey. He's American. No.

Canadian magician. No, it's a football thingsey. He's American. No. Canadian magician. No, it's a football thing. He's a football manager or something. He's huge. Oh, no, he was QPR. He was Chris Ramsey. He was the QPR manager for a bit. Yeah, yeah, that was fine.

Yeah, but he's kind of, yeah, we're in total different realms. But the point is, what if another podcaster and another comedian comes up called Chris Ramsey? Wow. That'll be your date.

That'll be your date of fighting the dust. Yeah, that'll be it. Something like that. Or something, you know, they come up with something like, you know, like Urban Fruben or something that's like minging

and they've got like a minging sex act and decide to call it a Ramsey and then you're fucking knackered. Oh. See, if I didn't have enough to worry about in my life. Dear Chris and Rosie,

hope you're both well. My wife and I have been hardcore listeners of your show since episode 1 Thank you very much Thought I would share with you a funny story from my youth After hearing recently About Chris's burping on demand talent In episode 198 It triggered a once forgotten memory from my childhood

When I was around 12 years old Me and my best mate Daveave used to have gaming night on the n64 sorry i can't get my head around a 12 year old called dave well back in the day it would have been my dad was born derrick yeah i know what you mean there is he was a baby in the i'm gonna call him derrick you know it's weird but yeah I can't get over 12 people call Dave not David

these listeners might be in the 50s when he was 12 my point is I imagine your name is David and all through your childhood you're David and then you get to a certain age and you become a Dave I don't believe ding dong hello become a Dave I don't believe ding dong

hello Dave coming out I don't believe that's a thing sounds like you're not running it's Dave what was he

a fucking taxi driver he sounds like a fucking 40 year old taxi driver do you not think anyone has been christened Dave I don't think

anyone in the world has been christened Dave I don't think they have of course they has man Davey what about I'm telling you the Willoughby baby's called Dave I don't think there have of course there has man Davey what about I'm telling you the Willoughby

baby's called Dave I don't I don't think I'm gonna go out on a limb here and I'm gonna say I fully believe that no priest

has ever said and we christen his child Dave it's been David it'll have been David and it's been shortened in later life I'm googling it

there's no way Dave has anyone been born Dave in later life. I'm Googling it. There's no way. Dave. Has anyone been born Dave? What weird thing to ask Google? It's just coming up

with Dave the singer. Dave the singer, yeah. See, Dave, there we go. There's one for you. Dave, the channel Dave and Dave the rapper who I know the words

to all of that song off. Dave Chappelle. Yeah, but Dave, like, he's goosed anyone else on Google who was called Dave. Imagine being called Dave. And then now

there's a massive rapper called Dave. No one's going to Google you. They're going to find Dave the Rapper. Fair enough. Well, listen, on the N64,

so when was that out? Nintendo 64. Yeah. And the 12. Right, okay. So it's true, right? He's called David, I'm telling you. He was around 12 years old.

Me and my best mate Dave used to have gaming nights on the N64. I was 12. I was 12. He was 42. We had that all best mates, but fair enough. Combined with a sleepover.

Yeah. But we had his 42. Sorry. Sorry. Carry on. sorry sorry carry on once we'd finished our golden eye tournament we'd usually end up in the bunk beds chatting shit about people from our school cool one particular night dave decided to tell me about a talent he had discovered however he said in order for me to witness said talent i had to look away right strange I thought at first but I decided to go along with it right can everybody

please get out of their minds that Dave is a 42 year old man he's not he's a 12 year old boy yeah I've ruined this they're both 12 Chris has fucking destroyed this story

he's not a man there's nothing dodgy going on he's the parents know he's there he's 12 right he's 12 imagine a 12 year old you know

a 12 year old boy right call him David then, you know, a 12-year-old boy, right? Call him David then. There you go. Dave. Our Dave, 12. Strange, I thought at first, but I decided to go along with it. Okay, so he looks away to witness the talent.

Okay. I heard a rustling of the sheets and a straining noise and what could only be described as the sound of a sellotape tearing finally followed by a loud, deep fart. Wow, I said. Can you do that again he said easy mate the same series of strange sounds from dave occurred again followed by a fart on demand the

next day at school word got around and i invited another friend over for a sleepover and golden eye session to witness dave's talents whoa whoa one at a time. Form a queue. Form a queue. Right, look, me mom's setting up. We've only got one at the right. Okay, right. Keith, you can come first. I knew you were going to say Keith.

Keith, you can come this weekend. Barry, you're next weekend. Neil. Clive, you're the weekend after. He said Gary or Gaz Dave at this point had myself and guest friend

Will hide on the top bunk while the on demand fart took place however this time we decided to

spy on Dave to see how he managed to accomplish the bizarre act. Oh my gosh. To our surprise, when we peeked through the slats of the bunk bed, we saw Dave in the downward dog position, cheeks spread, tensing his face, sucking in air with his arse and then blowing it out.

Scoring us for life, Dave said, I told you not to look! The three of us never spoke about it again oh fantastic so he's just sucking it in blowing it back out sucking it in and out but i can i can see why he didn't want them to look yeah i knew lads i could do that really did you yeah yeah yeah it would suck in farts so for real yeah yeah yeah class class i mean i never witnessed it in that kind of capacity. I just fucking... I definitely never invited an audience around. I mean, there's going to be poo particles all over. It's minging, isn't it? It's horrible.

It's quite a talent, though. But I think it would... No, it's not! It's pretty good. No, it's not! Do you think it would make you a bit ill, though? Yeah, but it's like an ear enema, isn't it? I bet you never had to struggle for a shit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Thank yeah. Oh god. Teenage butthole. God we've got it all to look forward to. Mam can an extra friend come round tonight and look at me mate sucking hair in his arse and blowing it out. Yeah no problem what do you want pizza or Chinese what?

Fuck sake man. Fuck my life. Hey Rosie and Chris I'm writing this in the library wearing the same clothes as yesterday unwashed unbrushed teeth

last night a quiet dinner with my friend took a turn and we both ended up at a quite ugly man's house oh right okay that's sad hell of a review

yeah this morning he left for work leaving us alone in his flat Jesus Christ I'd have loved that no

kidding us rooting round no you would have that's. As I stood to get out of bed, I slept with him, ugly man. As I stood to get out of bed, I stood on the worst ick I didn't know existed until this morning. Can you guess what it is? A used condom or something? What? An ick? she stood on an ick she stood on something that she says is the worst ick she's ever known

in her entire life so it's like an item so it's something right okay ugly man by the side of his bed I don't know why he's an ugly man it's a bit upsetting

it's a charger or a lead for something embarrassing I don't know it's not but that's a good or a lead for something embarrassing. I don't know. It's not, but that's a good answer. Come on then. She stood on a Guinness World Record book with a page folded in the corner

as if he's working his way through it and reads it before he goes to sleep. Now, I love the Guinness World Records. We are holders of a Guinness World Record and I own two of the books But I definitely don't sit They're not by me bed They're on a shelf

They're on a shelf Alongside the other Ricks in his flat They found a duck Cuddly toy Great Glass chess set On display

Collection of loafers And days old Beans on toast Left on the side To name a few Safe to say I won't be returning Right

Is that all Is that all Is that all the information we've got? What do you mean? Is that the end of the email? Yeah. What did it start with about libraries and all kinds?

She was just hadn't had a wash. She's just still, I mean, why are you going to the library? Students. Bloody students. Do you know what I'm obsessed with,

speaking of students? On TikTok, you can watch loads of lasses who go to the what they call the fraternities is that the boy one

or is that the girl one sorority sorority houses you can watch them like a day in the life of my sorority house holy shit holy shit

rich as fuck rich as fuck and just like crazy crazy but they just video all these videos and the amount of creams

and lotions that they put on themselves right they just get up in the morning make the bed and and the amount of creams and lotions that they put on themselves. Right. They just get up in the morning, make the bed, and then the bathrooms are massive and lush and they just stand there. A lot of people do this online.

I don't get it. And then they do the skincare and they use about nine different creams and toners and moist. And I'm just like, how old are you? Two seconds. So the times when I'm getting the kids uh food and stuff because you're like i'm

sitting here and you're on your phone i'm telling you about the ultimate fighting and you're not listening and sometimes i start a conversation with you on another planet you're sitting and i'm asking things i'm asking you questions important questions you're watching people put lotion on themselves yeah like 19 year olds Like the fucking, the guy in Silence of the Lambs. It puts the lotion on a scanner, it gets the holes, it gets... What is wrong with you? I'm obsessed. You need a fucking phone ban.

I watch what they have. Honestly, what people have for the dinners, this is me. What I eat in a day, I'm obsessed. This is getting worse. I know. Guys, you do not know how much I am ignored in this house. Just ignored because you're sitting on the phone or whatever. I don't have to talk to you all the time.

I don't have to be ignored for some sorority people putting lotion on. It's really interesting. It doesn't sound it. It sounds fucking abysmal. Unreal. If you want to follow it, there's hashtags. No. So much money.

How much does it cost to send your kid? Your brains are fucking turning to mush. How much does it cost to send your kid your brains are fucking turning how much does it cost to send your kid to a sorority house oh it must be millions it must be millions millions over the years holy shit crazy i don't know how they get any work done i've seen them houses i've seen them all how they're not just shagging and lotioning up all the time i would be ah failure yes you can stay back again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they've got chefs and everything. Mental. Catering and that.

It's absolutely class. Ugh. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, you wonderful pair. Hello. Ooh, hello. I have a question I need answering.

Okay. I mean, Jesus. I'll do my best. I've been with my fiancé for four years and this week, whilst I was laying in bed, he threw open the toilet door

mid-shit to show me a meme. Oh, romance isn't dead, I hear you shout. But what happened next has rocked me to my core. As I mentioned, he was mid-shit. And whilst discussing the hilarious meme, he started to wipe his arse. Two wipes and done. Okay, I hear you say.

But my issue is, he did not once look at the tissues after to see if it was clean. I questioned this and he looked at me like I was the crazy one. So my question is, when wiping after a shit, is it normal to look at the tissue to see if you're done cleaning or not? I know Chris's stance being that really only a shower will do. My fiancé says it's odd that I look and I think it's crazy that he doesn't. Like, how does he know that it's clean yeah what the fuck

what kind of constant skidmark gamble game is he playing here you've got to look you've got to see if you're done welcome to the skidmark casino place you bet

yeah what's he doing two will be enough there's always enough that the man's living on the edge horrible that's crazy

so he doesn't look there'll be loads of people out there who don't look you have to look you've got to look how do you know when it's clean that's when you stop it't look there'll be loads of people out there who don't look you have to look you've got to look how do you know when it's clean that's when you stop

it could be a 20 wiper you don't know totally oh that's made me sad it's funny how people live you just don't think I've always said this

the amount of people walking around out there with shitty arses is the worst oh god send the media send it I've had enough I've had enough I've fully had enough the worst. Oh, God. Send the media. Send it. I've had enough.

I've had enough. I've fully had enough. And he looks at her like she's weird. I know. I wiped my ass. Blind wipes. Two blind wipes.

Two blind wipes. Two blind wipes. What are you singing? Three blind wipes. Yes, I had completely fucking wrong. Two blind wipes. Two blind wipes two blind wipes i'm so sorry everyone was out of tune was it yeah two blind wipes two blind wipes see all the shit

see all the shit it doesn't look you gotta be looking at your wipes to see how much horrible you got that on your ass cheeks cheeks. How can you do that? How can you just go one, two and then I don't understand. One, two miss a few 99

shitey cakes. Honestly I bet he sits down on the bed bare arsed and I bet he wears white underpants as well. Oh God.

Get him in the shower and hose that arse clean. Yes please. Why do I have to keep telling people this? It's like my job. It's public. Half my... And why does someone who emails it...

We live in a world now where someone emailing in who I've never met knows my stance on arse wiping. It's always men, though. It's never women. I don't think it's ever women. Too blind, but I hate them. Too blind, but I hate them. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. women too blind but I hate them I hate them eee thank you

for listening pet really appreciate it this is Jack Maronoy part of the Acast creator network

she's gone all Geordie because she was on Robson Green's TV show that's generally

not why I was here yeah she was part of the Acast creator network and absolutely happy to be

part of it and happy to have you here every week, guys. Thank you so, so much for coming and listening and putting up with our absolute bollocks every single week.

We really do appreciate it. And we're back in years next week. And I will not mention the National Comedy Awards vote again because it'll be over next week. So this is the last mention.

Yeah, and if we haven't won, you hang your heads in shame. Hang your heads in shame. Chris won't be coming back. If I had, thank you very much. So there we go. Bye now. Happy days. Bye.

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