Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 205. Pass the Shoe

Episode Date: February 17, 2023

This week on the podcast Chris returns to Rosie's jotters to discuss Rosie's early creative writing ambitions. They marvel at whisking, they chat about Chris' athleticism and there's an old age beef that rears it's ugly head. All of this plus some strange family habits and a brilliant case of mistaken identity. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The first omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, hello, hello. It's episode 205.

Yes! They keep going up every week. An extra one. I can't believe it. Yes, hello. Lovely to have you here. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for being here. Rosie, are you okay? I am. I'm actually really good this week. She's better, everyone.

I'm better. I feel better. And my period has happened. And this is the good week? Yes. So this is the good week? This is the only good week we get. This is the best my life will get. This is, what is it? Pinnacle?

Is that the word? Top tier? Peak, maybe? Peak. Rosie Ramsey. Pinnacle might work as well. The pinnacle of my personality. This is when I'm good.

You throw so many weird words in the mix that it makes me not know the meaning of words. It's what clever people do no it's what fucking idiots do it's what silly it's what silly sausages do and then you put off me a certified genius and athlete oh god don't don't i just can't i can't i don't know i'm finding it even harder to sort of mock mock brag these days i just can't do it what do you mean i don't know just for Just for the joke. Obviously,

the idea that I'm calling myself Natalie is fucking laughable. Well, you've been working out a lot recently. Yes, but it's laughable. Why does it piss me off that you're looking after yourself? It's weird, isn't it? It is really odd.

You are getting annoyed. Last night, you had a go at us when I was getting changed. You were like, Because you just keep doing that, the gun thing to us is a joke,

but secretly, you're buzzing because you do look a little bit different. A little bit different, you heard that? You are green with envy. You honestly put some effort in, get some proof. You would hate it if I went on,

the female version of what you're doing, you would hate. If I was one of those women who lie on a sun lounger and just take selfies 300 times a day, you would hate it. I've done one selfie, No, that's fair enough, but that's your version of that.

So, it's vile. Stop it. That's not fair. That's not fair. This, so we are recording this on Tuesday the, no, Wednesday,

if I'm right. What day is it? What day is it today? It's Wednesday the 15th, which is exactly four years since the first podcast went out. Well done.

But more so, well done but more so well done to me because congratulations are in order for myself why this is the longest job

I have ever had wow very well done ever like the same job yeah and congratulations to everyone listening

for sticking with it I know for this long wow and welcome if you're a first time we've been going for four bloody years we're bloody old hat bloody veterans in this game mate

veterans that was a fake cigarette that I just took a drag off horrendous you probably realised that was me drama what

I stabbed myself in the finger the other day with a knife cutting a suck boy and it's like I've gone deeper than what I've realised it doesn't look that bad but it hurts like a motherfucker

okay and every time I now from now on I did it three days ago every't look that bad, but it hurts like a motherfucker. Okay. And every time I, and now, from now on, I did it three days ago, every time I cut a suck boy, it really hurts. for new listeners.

Because it goes right through there. And the acid, the acid, yeah, the acid will go in there. Yeah, it kills like. Give you a good, give you a good little zhuzh.

Yeah. And just dip it in some hand sanitizer just to feel alive. I might, you know, I might. Fucking get the petrol over here. Will that do petrol, do anything?

I don't know what you're talking about. It's episode 205. Let's crack on. It's episode 205. It's our four-year birthday, anniversary, whatever you want to call it. Thank you very, very much. And without further ado,

it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Websites that go right back at the top when you click back. Very upsetting. Clothes. You've been buying some clothes. I've been buying some clothes. Rosie, you've been buying some clothes i've been buying some clothes yeah rosie i've been buying some clothes and you look at them and you go you go

all the way down you go oh filter by jumpers oh there's a jumper what's a nice jumper i'll have a closer look at that jumper oh no maybe not back back to the top dickhead well scroll back down 200 more jumpers let's take a moment of appreciation to the websites who do put the effort in yeah probably pay an extra few quid yeah and they go back to the same bit. Goes back to the same bit. Well done. Well done, because a lot of them don't. Sometimes I don't know what bit I'm at anymore, and I forget,

and I go, what is that? Like, if it's wardrobes or something, I go, what was that? Which one is that? Is that the doors behind us? What's happened? People like you and I, who have very short attention spans, I won't buy anything. Oh, yeah, I'll just click off it.

I'm gone. Happened the other day. I went, I'm gone. I'm done gone I'm done you could have had 50 quid out of me then but instead because your website

is hard is it a sales technique what's a terrible sales technique take it back to this one maybe they put more expensive ones at the top and I'm like

can I invest in this again no I'm looking if you're clever if you're clever you would go to the filter and you'd do low to high or high to low depends

depends how you're doing. Yeah. Depends what's going on. Yeah. Depends when your bills come out. Sometimes, if I look on the posh websites, the designery ones,

I will go low to high. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because sometimes the sticker one in there and you go, who is paying that much money for a top? If I'm buying a telly, if I have a telly or anything,

low to high. Argos, Curry's, low to high. Low to high. Who's going high to low on high-end merchandise? Well, people do. People do. Curry's, low to high. Low to high. Who's going high to low on high-end merchandise? People have got money

to throw away. People do. Not us. How are you? I'm fine. You didn't catch whatever I had. I didn't. Which is really odd,

isn't it? Which I don't like saying that out loud. Someone asked us the other day, went, you haven't been ill, have you? And I just stared at him

like this. Just silence. And he was like, and I was like, and he went, okay, you don't want to say you? And I just stared at him. Like this. Just silence. And he was like, and I was like, and he went, okay, you don't want to see it? And I went, no. And I was like,

it was really awkward, but I feel like I'd have jinxed it if I'd have said, no, I'm fine. I mean, that's fucking stupid. What a stupid thing to do. Don't know him that well either. It's really strange.

Oh God, who was it? Yeah, it was really good. Who was it? It was a corporate guy. Oh God. And I just stared at him. Because you didn't want to jinx something. I didn't want to jinx it. Seriously?

Yeah, he was really old. Seriously. He kept looking behind him. He thought something was behind him. I just looked off into the middle distance. You're ridiculous. You're actually ridiculous. Says the guy who hasn't been ill yet. I know. I don't want to. Oh. Apologies to anyone who has to have an interaction with chris because

he's a he's a moron and social interaction speaking of social interactions you're looking forward to the comedy awards no night oh yes if you're listening to some fridays tonight yeah yeah um no okay no okay this pisses me off right this is you all over right you the last year's comedy awards chris gets very anxious as we all know suffers from anxiety yeah yeah you do hide it well but inside i'm screaming inside i'm screaming in the house he doesn't hide it well i might write a book about everything call it inside i'm screaming you should yeah probably do quite well i'm screaming i know i know so um chris loves to make out like I've said this before it's been my beef

when you ruin every social occasion yeah yeah yeah I will ruin it on the day oh you better fucking not because I've already said yeah I'll go on my own yeah

don't okay I'll try not to I'm not even joking Chris don't come if you're gonna be like that because this is what fucks me off the most

well get there like we did last year you were awful ruined the whole experience for me we have an argument before we get there you get there and you're like oh hi i'm made hi and then you you disappear and you talk to everybody like there's nothing wrong with you and i'm sat a shell of a woman haven't to have looked after you all day see it's not fair i am a social butterfly right not in the case not in the way everyone else claims to be a social butterfly that the front around

group to group no no no I'm a social occasion butterfly what I do is I'm a little little stinking little caterpillar

in the morning right and I'm not sure I want to do it then I make call me little cocoon and I'm like no

no all day I'm a me cocoon yeah yeah all day I'm like no I'm not coming out I'm not coming out

then I get there and I go hello darling so good to see you oh well oh we should do lunch no, I'm not coming out. I'm not coming out. Then I get there and I go, hello, darling. So good to see you. A moi. A moi. Can we?

Oh, we should do lunch. Can we arrive separately? Because I am different to that. I'm the butterfly all day and I go, I can't wait. Oh, what am I going to wear? Let's get ready. Let's start getting ready

three hours earlier. And then I get there and I go, oh, people. Yeah. And I don't want to talk to anyone who I don't know and I get, what's the, I get,

what, imposter syndrome. I'm so bad for imposter syndrome. Especially with comedy stuff. I mean, it doesn't help that I run around going,

she's just me wife. See these guys, and I wear an extra long jacket with coattails and you hold on to those coattails. there's loads of them now. I could start a club.

The coattail wives. The coattail wives. The coattail wives. There's fucking tons of us. We should have our own table to be honest with you. You're all extremely talented in your own right and people who say the coattail things are full of shit because we wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for you. It was your idea.

And that's the last time I'll say it, so there you go. I do just get imposter syndrome. It's really, I wish I was. So you should. Fern Cotton was on the Diary of a CEO and she literally worded it perfectly. She was like, back years ago, like 15 years ago, she was just naive and younger

and you just take on the world and you do everything and you're like, I don't care. I want to make it to the top and blah, blah, blah. The older you get, you get really jaded. This is her words and it's so true because you do, the older I'm getting, I just get more self-conscious and more aware of how people are

and you enter a world in where you judge people and people will judge you and it's weird. It's hard. Fern Cotton can't have imposter syndrome. She's been on the telly since I was a kid.

She does. She does. She's brilliant. No, well, but that's us watching her going, she's amazing at what she does. She's fantastic.

When people you think are like rock solid come out and say something like that. No, she's mentioned it a lot. Everyone here amazing at what she does. She's fantastic. When people you think are like rock solid come out and say something like that. No, no. She's mentioned it a lot. Everyone here and I have got anxiety. Top flight athlete, you know, bike guy. I'm rolling my eyes by the way.

Yeah, I should roll them so far they're nearly rolled into the back of my head there. You know, and immune to all illnesses, it turns out. And now I get anxiety. Oh, no. So what's every, you know. I don't, I'm really lucky. I don't suffer from anxiety. But some days I feel like a bag of the... I don't... I'm really lucky. I don't suffer from anxiety.

But some days, I feel like a bag of shit and I don't want to go anywhere and I hate this job. And then other days, I have a word with myself and go, no, stop it.

Anyone can do it. Why can't you do it? Blah, blah, blah. But I mean, they are few and far between. Should we play a jingle? Let's. Jingle!

Let's stop worrying about all this. We'll have a lovely time. We might even win. You never know. I'm not going. Oh, fucking hell. And if you haven't voted, if you're listening to this

and we've given you four years of free entertainment and you haven't voted, shame on you. Disgusting, despicable shame on you. Go and look at yourself in the mirror and think about what you've done. No, stop. Ignore him.

Ignore him because I very rarely vote for anything. Dirty, lazy piece of... Stop it. Put rarely bought anything. Don't be lazy. Peace. Stop it. Put the jingle on. Okay, here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle.

Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, the jingle Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed.

Obviously it's always just lovely to have you back, thank you. It really is. Hope you're alright, whatever is going on in the world. Nice month, February. Is it? Yeah. Very much the Tuesday of the year. Listen, I quite like a Tuesday.

We had a lovely valentine's day didn't we uh did we no no we don't do valentine's day yeah it's just another day do you know what though it's okay because once upon a time i used to get a bit pissed off about it and i'd be like oh god unromantic asshole but you are very very kind and you buy me flowers quite often yeah and you sometimes come in with a lovely bottle of wine, or you buy us secret bars of dairy milk. Yeah. And literally, that saves me through the year. Don't need a day, don't need one day of affection.

I always just feel like a bit of a mug. If I go and buy the roses on Valentine's Day, and I'm walking down the street with the roses. Like you're buying into it. I feel like, yeah, I just feel like an absolute mug. I don't know, I can't describe it. I feel like I'm trick-or-treating as an adult. I know what you mean.

Do you ever, when you're younger, go out for Valentine's Day for a meal at the local Italian and there's just loads of couples sitting there going, do you buy it? Yeah, I bought it as well.

You catch someone else's eye. I used to feel embarrassed. Yeah, you catch someone else's eye and the kind of unspoken thing is, well, you've got to, haven't you? It's Valentine's Day. And you're like, I didn't really want to.

Nah. Do it in March. On a random Tuesday. It's like pancake day, isn a random Tuesday it's like pancake day it's like pancake day we've always got we get them ready made oh them ready made pancakes

if we talk about them they are unbelievable I don't know they're fucking godsend I know heat your pan up pour it in two minutes either

well not even two minutes 30 seconds either side the nicer the ones I do how easy do chefs make whisking stuff look oh yeah because they've got

mussels like Popeye how is the technique in it let's talk about whisking stuff look oh yeah because they've got muscles like how is the technique in it let's talk about whisking stuff okay let's why is it it's just off the top of your head why is it so difficult to whisk things and why do you so you whisk something and i feel like you look like you're whisking it fine and then you go chris can you whisk this and i start whisking it and i think i'm doing a shit i think she was doing it why has she got me to do it? It is quite a skill. I've been doing it for a long time. Have you ever seen Jamie Oliver or someone do it?

Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen someone making mayonnaise? Making mayonnaise? Because you've got... It is mayonnaise, isn't it? Oh, we've had this before. No, it is. It's eggs and olive oil.

That's mayonnaise. Eggs and mayonnaise, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So eggs and olive oil. That's mayonnaise. And the whisk it. And they're just like... So fast. And then it turns into Right. And they're just like.

So fast. And then it turns into mayonnaise and you're like. It's like magic. When I just see a male chef. Don't be sexist. You're looking nice. Do not be sexist. Let us do the joke.

I think you're a lucky wife. Oh, because the clitoral. Because the clitoral is jokey. Look at you. Feminism. Ruining comedy again. I will have nothing on this podcast. Feminism. Ruining comedy again. Unbelievable. nothing on this podcast feminism ruining comedy again

unbelievable you can go for yourself I got an extra joke I got an extra joke by you it'll not be I'll not stand for it on this podcast

go on a different podcast if you want to wave your dick around you dirty I'll wave my dick around wherever I want it will be it will be in me trousers

but trust me it's waving listen listen don't the bullshit do you want some Rosie's Jotters do you bullshit right you want some rosie's jotters do you know what let's i let's have some rosie's jotters we have got right as we're talking

daisy's got to put me jingling that i spent a good 25 seconds that absolutely atrocious jingling i might change the jingle to be honest with you because if we do rosie's jotters on the tour it has to be better than that so i might do a better one and i think you should i might get robin robin started learning the piano and he's really good isn't he I might get him to do his little

Rosie's Jotters Jotters Jotters Jotters Rosie's Jotters I don't know if I'm going to have any Jotters left by the time we go on tour

I could hold some back for the tour we are on tour it's not sold out yet if you want to come yeah there's still some tickets for the tour if you want to come

we had a meeting about it the other day and it's going to be it's going to be so much fun and what you've got to remember is that we did the tour last time and it was to call we had a meeting about it the other day and it's going to be it's going to be so much fun and what you've got to remember is that we did the tour last time and it was very good

we had a great time but listen don't want to don't want to beat around the bush bit through it together bit through it together yeah Chris was on tour

at the time we'd just had Rafe there was a lot going on the Covid had just ended well there was times on the tour we're on the way to gigs we didn't know

if they were going to shut us down again it was horrendously stressful so it was very stressful this time just a lot we've got a lot more time big run into it

lots planned lots coming up yeah what does time equal ideas Chris that's what time equals time equals ideas just ideas

it's tough to do yeah yeah yeah is it good no it's rubbish time plus effort equals ideas maybe oh time doesn't you're telling me I'm not going to be on the CEO podcast?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you got the Rams. He's in. Look at them. Oh, CEO. They're not even fucking employee of the month. Right. I think you'll find this is my longest job. Thank you very much. Very good. Listen. Yes.

Daisy, play the jingle. It's jotter time. Rosie's jotters. Jotting all her memories of Rosie's jotters. All the laughing sweets they'll shield Just a Catholic girl looking for a bit of light relief Oh, come and join us

in reading Rosie's Jotters Yeah! Okay, so, we've got two little Jotter readings today. This is just a little aperitif to get ready for the main part of the Jotter. Who is the teacher? No one cares.

This might be Mrs. Purvis. Oh, my God, no one cares. Or Miss Pringle. Oh, my God, no one cares. Okay, this is Monday, the 27th of February. So, you know. Not pretty close to now. Not pretty close to now, yeah.

My half-term holiday. Ooh, what have I done? This is Rosie's half-term holiday. Where have I been? Underwhelming is what i would say yeah just a list of stuff could have been bullet points but you didn't know them at the time you ready yeah on saturday i went to the leisure center park with my brother kevin nice on sunday kate and kevin were being pests of course they were that was sunday so all of sunday was that kate

and kevin being pests that's your full day that's the diary diary. Yeah, Chris, you've got to remember, right, when I was younger, this is what, these kids are fucking, they don't know they're born. There was one activity a weekend and probably didn't cost money. The park. We went in the park. That was it.

My mum was like, you've been somewhere. Now you can play in the house all day. Sunday, me dad used to go to the shop, though, and buy us sweets on a Sunday. Okay. From Highfield News. Okay. You ready?

So Monday is incredible. Incredible the okay you ready so Monday Monday is incredible incredible the way you spent your Monday oh this is half term as well so this is the Monday you ready man I'll be devastated you

ready yeah on Monday I got a new habit oh right yeah I used to have a twitch instead of sniffing it's clicking my fingers on Tuesday so that's Monday

that's Monday's that's Monday's activity. Wow. We got a new habit. Let's go, land. Went to the shops, got a new habit. I part-exchanged

sniffing for clicking my fingers. It was £2 plus sniffing for clicking your fingers. See, you've got internalised anxiety.

Mine used to come out in ticks. And it still does to this day. On Tuesday, I just watched £2 plus sniffing for clicking your fingers. See, you've got internalised anxiety. Mine used to come out in ticks. Yeah. And it still does to this day. On Tuesday, I just watched TV all day because I had a sore cold. Oh. Sore cold. Sore cold.

A sore cold. Yeah. On Wednesday, I slept with my cousins straight after having a cold. Oh, yeah, irresponsible. What cousin? Pre-COVID. What cousin?

On a fucking Wednesday. Wednesday, I slept with my cousins and at 11 o'clockclock we were playing Guess Who? That could have been at night. Must have been Nina's. On Thursday I went to see Black Beauty at the Customs House. Brilliant.

The film? I remember that. On Friday I went to my Nana's. On Saturday and Sunday I just stayed in and helped my mum and dad. Bollocks you didn't. You probably just fucking

were a pain in the arse. Right. Oh that is... Shit. What an absolutely shit half term. So that's year four half term, right?

We're going to jump now. I've been looking forward to this one immensely. We are jumping now to a story that you've written. Right. Now, not just have you...

This is year six draft jotter. Not just is this a story that you've written. Before the story, you outline the plot. Oh, is that right? Very professional, like a player almost. All right, okay.

A prologue? No, just plot and characters in the setting. Like you put them all out as if it's like a big thing, right? Well, I did used to read scripts. It must be that, right? So plot, there are two girls and one boy and they shrink in the bowling alley. One goes to the toilet and doesn't come back.

So the other two go and look for them, but she's shrunk, brackets, by a chemical. From the lab. Everyone, listen, this is a public service announcement. All cleaners who work in shopping centres, do not leave any of your chemicals that can shrink children in the toilet because you will shrink a child.

And the other two will come looking for them and they'll have been shrunken by a chemical. And what do you think this is? Is this around about the same time as Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

came out? There's a lot of theft. There's a lot of theft in this. Characters. Imelda, age 13, bossy and hates her brother. Yep. Philip, age four.

Yep. Cute and a pest to his sister. Right. Bouncer, age three months. Philip, age four. Yep. Cute and a pest to his sister. Right. Bouncer, age three months. Dog, quite cute. Zoe, age 13. Friendly, nice to talk to, and loves

Imelda's brother, who's four. So, Zoe already. Dodge. I'm not happy with Zoe's character. Setting. Metro Center, X-Bowl, and Marks and Spencers. Posh. Dodge. I'm not happy with Zoe's character. Setting. Metro set that X-Ball and Marks and Spencers. Posh. What the fuck? Posh. Then there's an arrow

from plot all the way down the bottom of the page and you've added a bit more into the plot now. And when they go in, they get shrunk as well and they can't find their moms. Moms? Moms. You've been watching American films. Now, genuinely, dear listener, this is painful, but stick with it.

Chapter one. Mom, shouted Imelda. When are we going? Soon. Well, hurry up. Ding dong. Hi, Mom. It's Zoe.

So I would hurry up if I were you. Keep an eye on Philip. Hi, Zoe, said Philip. Ready for bowling? Philip, how many times have i told you you're not coming yes i am no you're not yes i am no you're not that goes on for quite some time i'll skip a few of them hey you two put a sock in it said zoe butting into the argument yes he is coming said mom coming down the stairs why all capitals because dad's at work added afterwards with bouncer just had to see where the dog was there so basically bouncer is one of the main characters

but for the entire story he's at work with dad which was added in afterwards when you realize you hadn't put the dog in the story so i've've just added it underneath. Like a little arrow. A little arrow in pencil underneath. Does it work with Bouncer? That gets rid of that character. Yeah, well done. Clever. Come on, Imelda, said Mom.

Mom. It was very squashed in the car because all of Philip's toys were in the back seat. Well, that's four-year-olds for you. Chapter two. Chapter two is my favourite chapter. Okay, that's four-year-olds for you. Chapter two. Chapter two is my favourite chapter. Okay. Everyone out said mum now.

Said mum. We're there. We're there is great. We're there. Everyone out said mum. We're there. Chapter three. That was chapter two.

Riveting. Right. We finally arrived at the metro centre. It was heaven when the air conditioning hit my face I have probably been watching a lot of American TV because we live in the north east of England

and it's really cold do you know what I love on a cold February the 27th day? It's February! Not in the other story. It's raining outside. I love going to the metro centre and the air conditioning hitting me face. It is heaven.

I forgot it was February. Imelda! Imelda! Move out of the Marks and Spencer's doorway. You're holding it up. But the air conditioning's hitting me face. It's heaven, ma, ma, mum. After a discussion, we were going to meet with ma at Boots at Two. That's been added

after as well. Zoe and I headed straight for Tammy Girl and mum and Philip headed left to the Disney shop. Oh, the Disney shop. Zoe and I were free at last to spend all of our money and perhaps get a Happy Meal and a chocolate donut. Didn't ask for much, did I? No, it was a very

simple little thing. It was really quiet in Tammy Girl, but there in the corner of the room, crossed out shop, was Patricia, crossed out, Angelica Downey, the most popular girl in year eight, crossed out seven. And she was trying on...

Now, I don't know how Angelica Downey is the most popular girl in year seven or eight. Because she was trying on a pair of yellow crocodile shoes. You know, the ones with the crocodile skin. Fucking Jimmy Nails daughter Crocodile shoes What's her name? Angelica Downey Anyway

Just try anything When you're anyone Called Angelica Anyway I bought a purse Purple Added afterwards And a dolphin ring

And Zoe bought The same dolphin ring And an orange purse Then Now that I've never heard McDonald's described Like this in my life and a dolphin ring and Zoe bought the same dolphin ring and an orange purse. Then, now I've never heard McDonald's described like this in my life. I've no idea

why you picked this from the menu and it would actually repulse me from going to McDonald's but here we go. Then, the smell of filly

or fish and the sound of happy children took us to McDonald's. Why have you picked the fish thing? I've never had one before. Why have you picked the filly or fish? I'm trying to McDonald's. Why have you picked the fish thing? I've never had one before. Why have you picked the fish?

I'm trying to be intellectual. It's like the least strongest smell from McDonald's. Then the smell of the fish burger took me to the place where I never eat the fish burger. Fucking hell. Do they still do for little fish? I've never ever had one

I feel like I need to try it With our stomachs full and pockets empty we went to meet my mum Chapter 3 Oh no it was 4 o'clock we were meant to meet

at 2 so 2 extra hours of trying on crocodile boots with Angelica Downey and buying dolphin rings I mean time flies when you're having fun Fucking hell

It's probably because he was the only cunts to order a fillet or fish. It took fucking two hours to make it. I know exactly which McDonald's it is, though. It's the one next to Mark's. Yeah, I know. What do you mean?

Oh, God. We were supposed to meet at two at Boots, but for some reason, we were in Superdrug. So you went to the wrong place. That happens a lot you get super drug and boots mixed up all the time

that is possible right so we went to boots but no sign of my mum now what happens here is all of that stuff about shrinking has been completely abandoned right okay

you don't even go to the bowling alley the writing gets so much messier right loads are crossing out you're rushing it all of the

the entire plot not bouncer gone entire plot of being shrunk reader listener you might as well skip this because if you were expecting someone to be shrunk it doesn't fucking happen chemicals are not listen to this though right so we went to boots but no sign of mum uh zoe and i ended up going doing the most embarrassing thing of our lives yes you guessed it We had to tell the lady we were lost. Oh, no. Excuse me, said Zoe.

We're lost. Oh, really now, said the lady. She's immediately suspicious. We don't get many of your age. Oldest fuck. Oldest, yeah. Year seven, lost. Listen to this, right? I didn't know that this is what happened when children got lost in the metro centre

But it clearly is In my world right Then she took us to a small room Full of unhappy children Fucking old and bent None of their parents have come from It's like a fucking prison cell it's just

she took us listen to the description I swear to god it's one of the funniest things I've ever read right then she took us to a small room full of unhappy children from the ages of 3 to 5 the room was small and cold and wet

from the children's tears and wet from the children's tears. Come on in. Go over here next to this crying five-year-old. Mind the puddles of tears. There was a sign on the door saying lost and found. But then the most embarrassing thing, when we heard two girls the age of 13 parents please contact the information desk at desk 305.

But then standing outside of the window was Angelica Downey. That bitch. And her mate. Now, listen to what I mean. Oh, who's her mate? I can only imagine. I can only imagine. You were recently watching some...

Your dad must have been recently watching some gangster film with Robert De Niro and his familiar co-star because outside the window was Angelica Downey and Katie Pacino. Al Pacino's daughter. This is Jimmy Neal's daughter and Al Pacino's daughter knocking together. Brackett's her best friend. Then I heard my mom's voice. No, Pacino, that's an Italian restaurant where he lives. Didn't your dad work in Pacino's for a bit?

It probably went out of his head. Yeah, your dad worked in Pacino's, the Italian restaurant, so... Katie... Katie Pacino.

Katie Pacino. What's your porn star name your dad's current job and your sister's name Katie Pacino yeah your sister's name and the restaurant that your dad works in oh god oh god

what's your porn star name oh Daniela Weatherspoon Oh, God. What's your porn star name? Oh, Daniela Weatherspoon. Then I heard my mom's voice and I was actually relieved to hear her voice. She gave us a hug and we told her all about the day that we had had the end. Oh, gosh. No one got shrunk.

Nobody's shrinking at all. If you'd have bought that and read the thing, you'd have thought you'd get a completely different story. That wouldn't have got past the first meet at the studio. I hate to tell you, but it sounds quite similar to the book that we wrote just a few years ago that I really struggled to write, which you can now understand.

Guys, do you want to do a new book? Do you want to do... No, really, really struggled writing the first one, if I'm honest with you. Not the minutes. Oh, well, there you go. Incidentally, if you do see any

crime fiction or any other kind of novels coming out, hitting the shelves in Waterstones or WH Smiths in the near future under the author Katie Pacino,

you know that Rosie might have had a hand in that. Katie Pacino, you know that Rosie might have had a hand in that. Katie Pacino. You're invited to an immersive listening party, led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca That's sunrisechallenge.ca

It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef-F? Beef, beef, beef. Pacino. Pacino. Right, come on then. Do you want to go first or shall I go first? My beef with you is you did know where the bongela was the other night.

What? You did know where the bongela was the other night. I didn't know where the bongela was. When we were lying in bed and I said, have you got any bongela? Because I usually have it in my bedside cabinet because I'm a bit stressed at the minute. I'm getting ulcers all the time. And you were like, I don't know where it is. And I went, have you got any bongela? Because I usually have it in my bedside cabinet because I'm a bit stressed at the minute. I'm getting ulcers all the time.

And you were like, I don't know where it is. And I went, oh, fair enough. Today, went in your little cabinet in the bathroom. You had bongela in there. I didn't know it was there though. Oh, what does daddy know? What does daddy know? Daddy finds everything.

Daddy finds everything. That's what I say, that's my catchphrase. So daddy's a little bullshit there, isn't he? Because daddy knew where the bongela was. He didn't tell me. I could have looked for and found the bongela was didn't tell me I could have looked for and found the bongela but one I was in bed

and two I didn't know it was there I had to suffer all night yeah two ulcers I had two sorry

shocking I felt really sad when I found that bongela it was right on the top of your little basket thing I saw it this morning I was looking for a toothpaste I saw it and I went

that little prick he knew you would have known that was there you know where everything is you didn't want to just go into the bathroom and have a quick look

no right so that's my fault why would I do that that's my fault that's not part of my personality brilliant that's not my fault

that's not my problem I didn't know where it was you keep telling yourself that what do you think this is I'm not getting into bed and then getting out of bed and looking around for something that you can't be asked

to look around for I do love you but it's ridiculous and it was Valentine's Day so that's grim anyway a bouquet of bongiella what's your beef with me

my beef with you is and um we've had dishwasher issues throughout our whole family life I've not got any better I know I've not got any better no no no

one yes you're still horrendous horrendous at stacking it I saw oh god I opened it yesterday and there was a plate diagonally across oh I want to die any better no no no no no one yes you're still horrendous horrendous at stacking it i saw i got i got i opened it yesterday and there was a plate diagonally across oh that was because it wouldn't fit properly so i just should have moved it would fit properly because i redid it i redid it right the spray would have still gotten no ridiculous it was diagonal across the whole thing may as one may as one of vomit um however your new thing which is so just ridiculous if that dishwasher has been on

and all of the dishes in there are clean you act like we don't have one it's unbelievable like you go you don't get them clean dishes out of there you literally you close it you go oh they're all clean you close it yeah you've never emptied that dishwasher ever i have definitely not with it definitely not within the past four or five months you would not empty that i've got a new system you just you go you go it's it's clean and you go oh you shut it you go that doesn't exist and then you live your life like it doesn't exist no just wash dishes and there's a massive pile of like buckaroo clean dishes and you've just used the sink yeah and you refuse to use anything in the dishwasher or take anything

out of the dishwasher. It takes longer to empty the dishwasher and fill it again. I actually find them utterly pointless. Wow. If we're ever sponsored

by dishwashers it's going to be hard for me to do that advert because I think they're shit. I'll lead on that advert. Please do. I honestly think they're shit. I just think I would rather

wash the dishes let them dry naturally then put them away. But you're doing like three different jobs. You're emptying the dishwasher filling it not even can't even wash that much in them really they're not that big and then you're having to empty it again it's just it's and then fill it i'd rather just wash stuff you just stand off of emptying the dishwasher in this

house i hate it i'd rather buy more plates that's ridiculous we need paper plates if if they weren't as bad for the environment that that's how I would live. That's how a lot of people live. It's not a British thing. I think it's very much, every time I watch Real Housewives, right, and they're eating dinner, not like a party or anything, with their family, they'll sometimes have

paper plates and that, and I'm like, that's weird, isn't it? And they'll just put them in the bin. I know, and you kind of go, I don't know why they're doing that I don't know whether it's just something homelab one they're all on paper plates

that's what I mean weird but yeah well lot of like trees lot of like metal trees

do me tits in pack it in do me tits in pack it in no I can't start emptying the dishwasher

let's live separately no certain things I'm not going to change love you there's nothing I can do with you Start emptying the dishwasher. Let's live separately. No. Certain things I'm not going to change. Love you. Nothing I can do with you.

No. I'm just going to have to take it. Oh, well. Moving on. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch,

shagmoudinoid at gmail.com. Hi, Rosie and Chris. If you do happen to read this out, please keep me anonymous. Always. I've just driven home listening to episode 204, which was last week's.

Ooh. When you rightfully mocked a kid called Dave. Yes. Yeah, we did. A family from my childhood, though, could go one step further. There was a guy who worked

at the local pit with my dad called David. Obviously, Dave for short. Yeah. His eldest son, my age, was David Junior so he also got Dave

all the way through school in the 80s. Wow. But that's not the unfortunate bit. Sorry to anyone called Dave. His eldest daughter was also named after him.

Want to guess what her name was? What? Don't want to guess? He's called David and his eldest daughter is named after him. Davina?

Davina? Is that what you're going for? Davina? Davina? Davina? Davette. Go and fuck off. Davette. Davette. D-A-V-E E. Go and piss off. Oh no, just one E.

D-A-V-E-T-T-E. Davette. Davette. Or Davette. No. E go and piss off oh no just one E D A V E oh that's alright then T T E Daveette Daveette or Davette no I can't have it and he says you're welcome

that is cruel I know is that true do you think it sounds like he's fucking backing dancers ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage

Dave and the Daveettes the Daveettes yes well what was theettes what was that called I don't. Well, what was theettes? What was that called? I don't know. There was something called theettes.

Oh, my God. Was it Diana Ross? No, that was the Supremes. It is a real name. Daveette. Yeah, a determined good worker. Daveette is of Hebrew origin and is a girl name. People with the name Daveette are usually Christianity by religion.

Daveette. Holy shit, it's a real name. Davette. Oh my gosh. Davette. There's images of people called Davette. Hello, very pleased to meet you. We're new to the town. I'm Dave.

This is Dave Jr. This is Davette. This is my wife, Dave. Davina. Davina. This is our dog, Davo. This is our rabbit, Davvo. This is our rabbit, Davely. Fucking hell, man.

How fucking arrogant do you have to be, man, to be called Dave and be like, well, I'm so fucking class that I'm going to call my child Dave and my daughter, I'm going to ruin her entire life by calling her Daveette. Yes, she'll be bullied, but she'll be a Dave. Arsehole. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Me and Amy from work, in brackets, who also loves the podcast, want to know how you feel about this certain type of colleague. Oh, Amy from work. Amy from work. I'm so glad I'm finally hearing from Amy from work. I've always known an Amy at work of you. Oh, Amy from work. Do you remember colleagues?

Yeah, I remember work colleagues. When we used to work in places with people. Right, okay. Every time someone from work has Do you remember colleagues? Yeah, I remember colleagues. When we used to work in places with people. Right, okay. Every time someone from work has their birthday, it is their duty to bring in treats for the whole office.

Doesn't make sense, but fair enough. It's happened to places at work. When it's your birthday, you bring the cakes in. I suppose then everyone doesn't have to remember

your birthday. Yeah. And then whose job would it be to get the birthday stuff? Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's happened to places

at work. I understand. You take the stuff in on your birthday. I understand. But one person in particular has earned the name Digger Hands or JCB Hands. For fuck's sake. I can't put into words how greedy this man is.

Someone swears they saw him putting celebrations into his coat pocket to take home. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can see it. He can go up more than five times taking two handfuls of chocolates back to his desk. You can see him dragging his knuckles on the floor. He's weighed down so much. Goodness me.

The worst part is, every January he's not ever brought in treats to the office for everyone to enjoy. So I'm guessing it's his birthday. How do you feel about the human JC being... Oh, yeah, there's always a greedy fucker. Yeah, who never does it back. Yeah, I mean, I can talk.

I took Robin to a birthday party the other week. Amazing party from a friend at school. And the kids... Bit weird that, yeah. What? Bit weird that it wasn't like an adult party and you're calling it amazing. I just mean it's perfect for kids.

Sometimes people do stuff and you go, oh God, i've had to get really involved here and this is not my idea it's a saturday it was a community center there was a dj doing dances and stuff for the kids perfect there was let them run there was pizza yeah which is a perfect food yeah and i just stood in the corner great it was what i mean is it was the perfect party for kids i didn't have to do it wasn't like high concept it was just just music on, let them run around. Yeah, they're not making stuff and all that. I can't be arsed with it. I think sometimes people go too far.

Do you know what I mean? It was mint. Anyway, my point is, they brought pizzas. Nice. And the first thing I said was, will there be any left over for the adults? Of course you did.

Yeah. They were the biggest pizzas I've ever seen in my life. They must have been 25 inch pizzas. I've never seen anything like it. Wow. The bloke coming in, it was like a fucking, it was like he was attempting a world record. I've never seen in my life. They must have been 25 inch pizzas. I've never seen anything like it. Wow. The bloke coming in, it was like a fucking,

it was like his attempt in a world record. I've never seen people carrying so many pizzas. Pizzas were incredible. I must have had, most adults had one or two slices. I counted me slices.

Oh Jesus. I stopped at eight. Shut up. Yeah. You did not go to one of our child's friends parties and eat eight slices of pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember looking at the dad as he was packing up the pizzas to take home probably for that evening and there was a look on his face of, I thought there'd be more left than this. Oh, you asshole. Yeah, but I stood, Asshole?

Mom? Mom? Imogen? Zoe? Bouncer? Mom? You arsehole. You arsehole.

Goddamn so offended I went goddamn American on your ass. It's because we're talking about pizza and you're being a greedy little pig. I remember him putting it away thinking how has everyone done that? Do you know what annoys me about that though? If somebody came to Robin's party

and ate loads of pizza, all you would do for the next month is go that greedy bastard oh yeah yeah yeah yeah why why did you do it it was really nice pizza it was really nice pizza i couldn't stop myself they probably thought they probably thought we'll get all the pizzas like you're saying we'll we'll air fry them later for us for the family hard lines you should have counted on this greedy prick pia. Eight slices. That's horrendous. I'm embarrassed. Bloody lovely. Thanks again. Honestly, what a party.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Hi Chris and Rosie. Just listening to the latest episode of Rosie's Vagina Squeezer. Yep. And thought I would share with you the most embarrassing moment of my life that happened last year. Wonderful. After having four children in seven years, I had began to worry that my vagina was getting a bit saggy seriously me poor foof uh so anyway i was getting a bit worried that my vagina resembled a 20

doesn't say 20 i'm so sorry it is a tatty wind sock but i thought it said 20 that's the perfect fuck up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 20 windsock, yeah, it's good. A tiny windsock, and I felt I'd best do something about it. So I went online and ordered myself a vaginal exerciser. Yeah. They arrived over the weekend.

I read the instruction, and the type I had got, you just pop them in and went about your day, and they would tighten you back up. I've never, I've personally never seen anything. I've only ever heard of the one that we've got, the DIY. This is, it must be something you've got that is not mine in any way the one that we've got our our joint vaginal exercise that i chipped in you're gonna be putting it in

and making sure that i'm doing it properly i'll put it in my ass what would I do to my arse what would I do to my arse tight as fuck the one that we've got I meant me our family our family vaginal exercise yeah yeah

come to our house come to our house have a look borrow the vaginal exercise

it's like we've got it set up it's like when you take a key for the toilet from a petrol station

it's on a big chain and a brick so you can use it in the house but you can't take it away I might pass it around the girls we use it in the house but you can't take it away. What, give them a 10 minutes

while your coffee's making? I might pass it around the girls. We've passed all the furniture around, you know, baby furniture. All the kids have used it. Why not use the vaginal exercise? Slightly different. Slightly different.

So, on the Monday morning, I woke up before the school run, late as usual, and rushed around getting the kids ready. Before we left, I snuck off into my room and popped in the two

small weighted balls that were attached to a bit of string as I was running late I grabbed the first clothes I could which happened to be a G string

vest top and a maxi skirt and flung on a pair of flip flops it was a very hot day and walked the five minutes up the school why is it ridiculous

she put something up a fanny and all that's just going to hold it up with is a bit of string a G string I mean if they're in there they should be in there

well it just seems a bit bit risky dangerous yeah once i got there my kids ran into school and as i was about to walk home i stopped to admire the little flower garden on the edge of the playground that the kids had been growing when i got there i smelled the lovely flowers forgetting that i suffer with terrible hair fever well Are you stupid? I let out the biggest sneeze and as I did the force of the sneeze forcefully ejected my exerciser from my vagina clattering like a pair of clackers under the playground floor. This was witnessed by at least 40 parents all with looks of absolute horror on their faces. all with looks of absolute horror on their faces. Can you imagine?

Can you imagine that somebody's there and sneezed and something pops out of their vagina? Like, what? You do not expect that. I'm sorry. What the fuck? The whole thing is just a calamity of errors. Who forgets they've got ear fever? Oh, these are all...

Oh, God, I forgot! I forgot I'm allergic to these! It's a good job she wasn't still bending over and sniffing them. She'd have fucking took someone's eye out. I immediately picked them up and searched for a pocket to no avail. A pocketless outfit, oh, my God. Couldn't even hide them in a shoe because flip-flops. I had to carry them

clenched in my hand the whole way home with bits of playground grit stuck to them as vaginal dryness is not something that ails me that's why they've slipped out so well you see if you are dry as a nun's chuff that is'd have stuck right in there. Oh, God. I sign my kids in late every morning since for the rest of the term so I don't have to look the other parents in the eye. That's amazing. That's absolutely amazing. See, the G-string, straight away,

I was like, why the G-string? You want a big old pair of... Solid. You want a hammock. Solid kegs. You want a hammock holding them bad lads in. Spanx would have kept them in. Be tight. Can't breathe. Spanks would have kept them in. Get tight.

Can't breathe. Just flew straight out. My word. I'm genuinely intrigued by them though. I might get some. I'm going to have a look at them actually. You know that medieval fucking, what was it,

David and Goliath when he swings the thing around and it's two balls on a string. Not David and Goliath, it's two balls on a string and it's supposed, you see it in like Game of Thrones and that and they wrap around people's legs

and fall over. It must have been like she was firing a little mini one of them out very funny wowzers love it do you want a little quick ick

quick ick yep little quick ick for you it doesn't even say hello it just says people who run in the office fuck off nothing is that important

that requires the need for you to run you look like a tit someone who runs from their desk to the printer or whatever Fuck off. Nothing is that important that requires the need for you to run. You look like a tit. Someone who runs from their desk to the printer or whatever. Such a rush running around the office.

Over a short distance it makes no difference. It's ridiculous isn't it? It makes no difference whatsoever. Unless you work in the police force or you're a fire person having to run.

Yeah. I've often thought the fireman's pole is pointless. I think it's really dangerous, personally. I don't think it's dangerous. I just think, why? Really? Yeah, I know.

I mean, I know every second counts in a fire, but I'd love to hear from either someone who knows or from an actual firefighter to go, would a set of stairs... Have it all on one floor. Yeah, would it make that much difference? What have you gone upstairs for then? I know.

Why is that? But them seconds might be crucial. Well, of course, of course. But I just, I don't know, I just, a wide set of stairs. But then again, I suppose you could fall and break your ankle.

Well, I couldn't be in the fire service. Because you couldn't go down the pole. I couldn't go down it. You know when you're little in the park and they've got the, fuck that. What about, I don't know, the pole just seems,

what about a foam pit? Just have a hole in the floor and a foam pit. Or a trampoline. Just jump down on the trampoline. Or like a net. Even quicker. Yeah. What, a slide? Have Just have a hole in the floor and a foam pit. Or a trampoline. Just jump down on the trampoline. Or like a net. Even quicker. Or a slide.

Have a slide. Have a slide. That makes so much more sense. Yeah. Maybe they don't even have them anymore. Simon's pool. Yeah, I don't know if it's just, I don't know if they actually,

that's a good point. I don't know if they have them. It might just be a thing off films and that. You don't know. Look, get in touch if you can. But don't, I'm not dissing you. I'm not slagging you off. You know, I'm just saying, don't be getting offended in touch if you can but don't I'm not dissing you I'm not slagging you off you know I'm just saying

don't be getting offended no because somebody might come and say Chris shave off 20 seconds in which case I've already said that and that's fair enough

there you go yeah but don't you know I'm not saying it's bollocks or saying get rid of them I'm saying I'm very interested and you know if you are

in some way shape or form involved in our local fire service and I could come round and have a turn on it, that would be even better. I think we did get invited, you know. We've been invited to all kinds of stuff. Air ambulances and everything. They're always inviting us to stuff.

I'm terrified of going on a helicopter. Yeah, me too. Me too. But Robin would love to go look around and sniff around a fire engine. Imagine if we were there. I mean, awful to think that I'd have to go to a job. I'm sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm happy that'd be a job, but imagine the excitement of it. What if there was a fire when you were there. I mean, awful to think that I'd have to go to a job. I'm sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm happy that the day job, but imagine the excitement of it.

What, if there was a fire when you were there? Shut up, man. No, just, you'd be there looking around. Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Yeah! No, because they'd be like... Mrs. Ramsey, can you please stop cheering?

Get out of the way. We've got our lives to save. Look, someone's... No, stop. I didn't, you know, that's why I said the disclaimer. But all I'm saying is, imagine they'd be like, right, you've got to go. Come on, get your stuff out.

Then they strip off and then it's slow motion. Ah, here we go, here we go. Right, okay, okay. Okay, okay. It's nothing about the excitement. I reached up and I go, oh my God, that didn't look like that upstairs. That's it, okay.

That's it, that's it, that's it. That's all you wanted. Might as well just go with strippers. Just get a stripper. Always comes down to a tiddler or a vagina always comes down to a vagina babadoo babadoo babadoo

bah hi Rosie and Chris no need to keep me anonymous this is oh sorry what I'm very aware

that they've said no need to keep me anonymous but then at the end of the email it totally says from and I haven't I haven't pasted the name I think it's always better I do and I haven't pasted the name. I think it's always better to keep them anonymous just in case someone turns around and has a go.

This is a short one, but I want to know whether anyone else does this or if it's just my family. When it's someone's birthday or Christmas, my family will hold a gathering. Yes, we do that. It's something called parties. Yeah, and if someone gets a shoe as a gift,

we will individually pass the shoe round and everyone will take a good sniff of it. Sorry? Sorry? That went... I shouldn't... You know, alarm bells rang when they said gathering. Yeah.

When they said gathering, I thought, like, these are a bit strange. Yeah. Read that again. So... When? If someone gets a shoe as a gift... One shoe?

Well, just as a shoe, but I hope it will be a pair just as a shoe but i'm getting i hope it will be a pair of shoes all right um as i get we will individually pass the shoe around and everyone will take a good sniff of it and i have to admit i quite like the smell of a fresh shoe but yes but not on massive parties no i like this i understand i do like this my new patreon has out the box box fresh Box Fresh is the term. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smells lovely.

The only thing I can say to this, right, Chris, is I think there's some really fucking boring people in this world, right? Yeah. Like, I'm talking, get me out of here. I'd rather rub my face on a cheese grater than sit with you people any longer, right? Wow.

Boring. Wow. Really boring. All I can imagine is that this is a really, really boring family. Wow. To them, they'll go to this gathering not even a party right they'll have a little cheat they'll have a cheese gun they'll have a cup of tea because they'll not drink right and then someone will get a pair of shoes and they'll go a shoe a shoe pass it round pass it round and they'll all have a sniff and that'll be the thing i'm not being last again i was last

last christmas and that'll be no sniff left that'll be the thing. I'm not being last again. I was last Christmas and there was no sniff left. That'll be the crack of the party. So fucking weird. My question is, does your family have any weird traditions that other people might find weird? Not that fucking weird. I can imagine there's been ones where everyone's opened all their presents and they've gone, oh, there's been no shoes.

And they've gone, oh, no shoes. And then someone's went, went wait there's one more box here oh hey we didn't think there'd be any shoes there's more shoes

come on everyone everybody get your sniffing on pass it down one of us yeah yeah yeah fucking lunatics

I do quite like the smell of fresh shoes yes but not en masse at a family gathering so much that it's became a tradition weird pass the shoe round. Yeah.

Fucking hell. We think that's weird. Sorry. Imagine marrying into that family or going there for your and someone gets you a pair of shoes

and you go, I'll pass that a second. Don't put them on yet. Everyone's going to stick. No, you're fucking not. You're a pervert. You're going to sniff me a shoe. It would ruin that shoe.

It would ruin those shoes for the rest of my life. I'd probably leave there and then. Weirdly, if they passed the left one round and everyone had a sniff. I'd probably leave there and then. Weirdly, if they passed the left one round and everyone had a sniff, I'd have to go,

right, you're all going to have to do the right one now because these are going to feel weird. I'm going to walk in circles here. There is certain things. I mean, I remember the first time I went to your mum and dad's house and your mum didn't put the lamps on

until really late and it was dark. Honestly, I wanted to die. The sitting pitch fucking back. That nearly made me leave. So, you're talking. It's so awful. My mum and dad will sit in the dark with just the telly light in the room like a teenager until it's fucking absolute midnight outside do you remember when they left the room and i was like can you put the lamps on i go i go

around my mom and be in the kitchen doing stuff and i turn the lights on she's like what are you doing i'm like it's fucking you the woman who used to march into my bedroom and turn all my lights on she's like what are you doing I'm like it's fuck it you the woman who used to march into me bedroom and turn all me lights on and then black cola calcutta in here can you see your homework lights on fucking floodlights

now is just in darkness constantly and that's cost of living and all that but for fuck's sake she's been doing it for years oh god smell the shoe

smell the shoe pass the shoe round and smell the shoe do you know those parties where people pass Pass the shoe round and smell the shoe. Do you know there's parties where people pass plates of cocaine round? And these mad fuckers are passing shoes round. I think I'd rather be at the shoe party. Drugs are for mugs.

And you know my thoughts on that. They are for mugs. They are for mugs. Hi, Rosie and Chris. A small town, so please keep me anonymous. We get it. All right, okay. Many years ago, after not being in the job for long, I received a phone call

from a very worried lady. Oh, sorry. So, her job is, she works in a vet. Okay. She's a veterinary secretary. Yes.

We've got a friend who does that. We do. Alex. Yeah. Yeah. Veterinary secretary. Veterinary secretary. Never said it to a rhyming though.

I'm going to have to next time I tell her. Veterinary secretary. Veterinary secretary. Veterinary secretary. Veterinary secretary. She takes next time I tell her veterinary secretary veterinary secretary veterinary secretary she takes her dog to work mental so many years after not being in the job for long I received a phone call from a very worried lady

she explained to me that she and her husband had gone to their son's house to freshen it up as he had been away for a year and was due home that weekend the father had so the son's been away for a year they've gone to freshen it up,

which is nice. His house had been empty for a year. He must have been travelling or something. Right. You'd pop round every couple of months, wouldn't you? Not necessarily. I mean, you just go and say,

oh, we'll tidy it up. I mean, who leaves a house empty for a year? They're obviously quite well off. Someone's needed it. You know what I mean? Come on. They've had six members of my family living in that fucking house. Oh, God, yeah.

Your entire... All the wambles that had descended on it, like locusts, that had stripped that place dry. The wallpaper would have been off. It would have been a shell. They'd have took the walls, floors, doors out. It would be a box.

Right, okay. So, the father had gone out to the garden to tidy it up and lo and behold, he'd found a tortoise. They had wondered if it had come from another garden. The mum phoned us to ask for advice. After speaking to a vet, I called her back to advise her to get a box, put crushed newspaper in it to help insulate and protect the tortoise

and bring it to us so we could do a health check. She told me she would bring it in as soon as possible not five minutes later the lady called us back her husband had gone back out of the garden with the box to pick up the tortoise and she was the vet to bring the vet when you found a tortoise what the fuck it's a tortoise i'll bring the vet quick ah how's the tortoise i'm so that was a roller coaster of emotion for me and i imagine for a lot of people listening i'm not the only one who thought he would have stood on that tortoise there all right is that what i thought was gonna happen i got very very sad uh and then the relief garden ornament well if he's not been

there for a year there might be loads of shit over it like moss and that it's probably green so hello please hello please i'm just there's loads of people in my son's garden there's loads of people he's been away a year and they've just moved in. They're fishing. One of them's got a wheelbarrow. They're tiny. Oh, sorry. They're gnomes. They're gnomes.

Sorry. Sorry. Bye. Bye. One's fishing. One's fishing. There's a little boy pissing into the pond. Oh, no, he's a fan.

Well done. Once dressed like Elvis. Why? Once always dressed like Elvis. There was a normal dress. Got sunglasses and that on. I see them all the time. Anyway, yeah.

Sorry. Very good. Well done. Can I just tell one more little story, though, from the veterinary net? Yes, of course, of course. A cat owner called in to us to ask us to remove a tick from their cat

they'd spent about an hour trying to remove it to no avail they arrived for their appointment they left 30 seconds later heads down and straight out the door

the nurse emerged from the consultant room with tears of laughter pouring down her face she explained the couple had spent half an hour trying to remove

a nipple not a tick poor fucking cat some people should not have animals. A cat must have been going absolutely ballistic. A poor cat. A nipple. Oh, the poor.

Oh, the poor bloody cat. Yep. Oh, idiots. Yep. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed.

Yeah, thank you. Oh, it's part of the ACAS Creative Network. It is part of the ACAS Creative Network, yes. Thank you so much for listening, for being here with me, for joining

work. We always do not take you for granted at all and genuinely, I don't know what's going to happen tonight at the National Comedy Awards. Sorry for going on

about it so much. Thank you so much for voting if you did and if you didn't, I get it. It's fine. It's a pain in the arse. Oh, I thought you were going to say something at the National Comedy Awards sorry for going on about it so much thank you so much for voting if you did and if you didn't I get it it's fine it's a pain in the arse oh I thought you were going to say something

horrible there well done thank you very mature of you yeah yeah so there we go and hopefully we'll win but if not

like I said on the Instagram post we're up against other phenomenal podcasts and phenomenal TV shows everyone's a winner in them categories

in my opinion it's nice of you to say that because they'll not say that about us but that's fine well that's because I'm the bigger person my opinion it's nice of you to say that because they'll not say that about us but that's fine well that's because I'm the bigger person but that's mainly because of the protein

oh god thanks for listening you all know I'm joking don't you I don't really consider myself an athlete or big

I'm kidding alright man yes we know it's a joke I'm kidding man I'm kidding man I'm kidding man I'm kidding man

I'm kidding man I'm kidding man I'm kidding man I'm kidding man I'm kidding man I'm kidding man I'm kidding man I'm kidding man

I'm kidding man I'm kidding man biggest muscle I've got is my comedy muscle my comedy muscle bye goodbye not me penis goodbye Biggest muscle I've got Comedy muscle Bye, goodbye Goodbye evening features her way and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece,

Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.