Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 207. Ham Dumpling

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

A lot gets covered on this week's podcast - does Rosie trust Chris and should Chris take up meditation? The pair discuss retirement, how French kids look healthier and why mid-week swimming is always a treat! All of this plus a Fireman's Pole story and an unlikely use for a Mars Bar. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Bonjour. You're listening to Shag the Marathonoid. That was the worst French accent I've ever done in my entire life. I'm so sorry. All of that was horrible. You're listening to Chag Maranoid.

The reason I did a French accent was because we were in the capital city the other day. Loads of French families passed me. Oh, it's because I was at St Pancras. That's why. Wow. I was around King's Cross. I went for a little walk. And it's just the most beautiful accent ever.

And they're all dressed really well. Not when you do it, but yeah. When real ones do it. Families looked, the kids were lush. Had a lovely glow about them. They were just... Just loads of them. So I didn't know you were going to open the podcast like this

because we basically never know how we're going to start the show. I didn't mean to go on that tangent, but I just saw some lush French families and i was like the kids were nice they had a lovely glow about them yeah okay what do you think that's a diet or or maybe nice at just nice at sunshine i genuinely think they might have just a nicer life over there do you know when you read statistics of of other countries compared to ours. Here we go. Here's a lovely guest generalisation coming at you.

I just read somewhere that they retire at like 60 still. Right, okay. Or even younger. Okay. Ours just keeps creeping up. Right. Honestly, at what age are we going to... Well, we're self-employed, so we might be a little bit better. But what age are my friends going to retire

because and here we get to the crux of the matter you want to be well I'm going to be pissed off if we're you know

being self-employed if I can retire earlier than my mates clear me state and they're going to be still working until the end of their 70s you are not getting

a state pension no chance why no chance you will not be I will fight tooth and nail to make sure you I not get a state pension. I have paid my national insurance for years.

No, I'm not having it. What? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You are not having a state pension. What's it called when my mum used to say it all the time when I was younger and I was working? Pay your stamp. Is it your stamp?

Pay your stamp. Is it the national insurance? That was national insurance. Yeah. I'll be honest with you, I don't understand any of that stuff. But what I don't understand even more is how does France having an earlier

retirement age make their children glow because they're happier right so their children know those children those 6-7 year olds

that you saw they know they get to retire early so they're just buzzing from 6 and 7 no their parents are happier which thus makes them happier

because their parents are probably you know hitting their 50s and go only got 10 years left we hit we're 50s and you go

oh I'm gonna still be doing this in 20 years time it's disgusting my nana and granda retired so how me granda

was 65 me nana was 60 and me granda god rest her soul passed away at 72 right fucking how many 5, 6, 7 seven year of retirement until he died.

What's the point? What's the point? You work all your life and then you're going to have five, seven years of dithering around the garden. Fuck that. Right. Give me longer. It's disgusting.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Sorry, everyone. The computer cut Rosie off during our rant there. Yeah, fascist. Yeah, yeah. Is that right? Yeah, yeah, you got that right. Fascist computer.

Good, very good. Yeah, and I take massive offence with you claiming that your grandad dithered around the garden for seven years, by the way. Didn't get a chance, Chris. Yeah, you might have been a fucking good gardener. I don't know. You don't know.

I can't remember. You don't know anything about gardening, dithering. How dare you? If I'm fucking... When I get old and I retire, and I've got me five minutes of retirement before i pop me clogs right okay chris definitely thinks he's just gonna die straight away if i do as soon as i stop doing as soon as i've got the week the one week that i've got a clear diary i will drop down dead what whatever age it is do you know it's so funny can i tell you something right i know this is an introduction, sorry. I've been getting nosebleeds today, right? I've had a few nosebleeds.

And I was in the shower and I was like, what are these nosebleeds? And like momentarily my head went there. Oh gosh, what if something like is really wrong with this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't said that to you yet because I know that as soon as I had a nosebleed this morning, you would have thought I had some sort of brain tumour.

Immediate thought. It was. What do you mean you haven't said it to us yet? You don't think I thought that the second you said you had a nosebleed this morning, you would have thought I had some sort of brain tumour. Immediate thought. It was. What do you mean you haven't said it to us yet? You don't think I thought that the second you said you had a nosebleed, I was like, that's it? No, but then I... Rosie, I was thinking about what would I do? Would I do the podcast on mute?

The minute, the minute a drop of blood came out of your nose, I was like, right, it's over. You don't know what it's like inside this head. It's horrible, man. The reason I didn't say anything is because the kids were there but i was like i can't because if i went to you do you think something's wrong i just know the face instead of going well no of course not you would be like yeah yeah yeah yeah you're in a headlight yeah it's what i just yeah it's what i do

momentary thing what yeah yeah that's it i think it's um i think it's actually I do momentary thing yeah that's it I think it's actually down to the fact that Rafe just he nutters in the nose all the time just all the time he doesn't

that's the thing with toddlers they don't get it they don't get that they're heavy and they don't get that he does that thing

doesn't he he does that thing where if you hold him under the arms and you lift him up and you're sort of sitting down he puts his feet

on your chest and kind of stands up straight he's getting a bit too tall to do that i know he is just i haven't got tyson yeah he does it to me and i'm like i'm sort and i'm like you need to stop because i'm i'm not long enough to hold under your arms and you know he learned the first time he falls and smashes his head off the floor you learn you might not don't do that again that's another thing about kids as well we've um my friends steph and angela have all got kids the same age fuck it's horrible when they come round oh my god

I hate it so much honestly I hate it so much it's horrible Chris Chris the girls are coming round with all the kids see you later

even Robin leaves anything yeah I would literally I would do anything I would literally do anything hello

for me agent hello is there an outdoor fish and chip van that needs more sales I'll stand and shout for them yeah fish and chip van that needs more sales? I'll stand and shout for them. Get your fish and chips here. Yes, Chris Ramsey, I have to tell you.

Get your fish and chips. I'm getting £3 an hour for this and I'm not bothered because I'm not in the house with that collection of fucking shitheads. Get your fish and chips here. I know it's raining but you still want fish and chips. It's so bad. I'm tempted, you know, I was tempted to like leave a recording

on and then edit it all together of just how many conversations get stopped and how many times we have to tell the kids off and how many times we have to stop them from fighting all they do is fight all they do mine mine mine and all they do is argue all they do is want they just eat constantly it's like a plague of fucking locusts have come. It's hell. It's actually hell. But we're trying to do it every other Saturday. So we'll go to each other's houses.

And they're just, it's everywhere. It's not anyone's house particular. They're just horrible everywhere. But you know, when you're like, we'll keep doing this because we want them to be close

because they're really close in age. And we're like, they will be close. And sometimes it's nice to have a conversation with your best friends. Well, it was nice to try and have a conversation that's what i mean yeah i remember saturday they came around i was uh and i i went upstairs to get ready um took took extra long poo yeah i know took a long long time on the toilet uh had the

red marks across me bum on my knees off my shoulder off my elbows the lot shoulders i mean my legs over my shoulders really squeezing that out like at the end of a toothpaste and I remember I was just heard I was like I just heard and I was sitting there

and I was like fucking these coos who's fucking cooters it was Rafe of course it was yeah I worked out it was Rafe after about three seconds he's one of the worst ones

yeah he's the instigator yeah yeah yeah he winds them all up oh yeah yeah but yeah horrible absolutely horrible I know oh god and then they all up oh yeah yeah but yeah horrible absolutely horrible I know

oh god and then they all want to go outside but I don't want to go outside with them none of them want to go outside and play with them so they just stand at the door

like at the back all of them were at the back door at one point like looking outside and I was like you can fuck off it's raining

you can go outside for five seconds you'll all fall over you'll all have wet clothes and you'll all have to borrow clothes and then I'll and I just thought,

no, you can stay inside. That's Rafe's thing at the minute. Spoil it a little twice. That's Rafe's thing at the minute, you want to go outside, side, side,

side, go outside, piss and rain, everything's fucking soaking, you get him ready, he falls over immediately, like a fucking penguin, and he's just soaking,

and you've got to bring him back in, and dry him all off, and he's like, cries, because he was cold, and then you go, fucking, ah! Going outside, is not that good. and you've got to bring him back in and dry him all off. And he cries when you get him changed. He cries because he was cold and then you go, would you fucking... Ah!

Going outside is not that good. When are you going to get this? Look, it's fine. It'll all be over soon. We'll all be retired at 68 or whatever they're changing it to. Oh, 2037. It's going to be what?

It's going to go 68. 68. Work until you're 68. Disgusting. Fucking crikey Moses, man. I know. Listen, listen. Play that jingle. Let's have some proper good whinging. Let's do it. Oh, no, no, no. You didn't do a sponsor last week. work until you're 68 disgusting crikey Moses man I know listen listen clear that jingle

let's have some proper good whinging let's do it oh no no no you didn't do a sponsor last week it's time for this week's sponsor I didn't do one last week nah did I not

no I mean some would think that you were getting rid of it that would be nice I did do a sponsor last week I'm sure you didn't because somebody tweeted me saying

you didn't do a sponsor I I'm sorry I'm going to have to quickly consult my notes this will take a millisecond for you guys, but as long as it is to verify for me, it'll take me.

I've opened the wrong file. Oh, Jesus. Just to let you all know, I'm trying to dry my hair naturally for a little bit. It's really cold in here. You didn't do a sponsor last week. I know you didn't. Hey, guys.

We honestly were going to be on the street. Hey, welcome to double sponsor week no no yeah you did this you did this

you know there's gotta be a break at some point you know what do you mean honestly them sponsors the real sponsors that actually pay our mortgage they're at the door

they're banging down the door because you're taking so flipping long eh you need an advert these are the real sponsors how day just to go through

is my nose bleeding no oh god god oh shit it's just running because this room that we're doing it

is freezing because we've turned all the radiators off I've got wet ears I'm so cold oh my god I'm going to be ill smells like a wet dog

right okay you ready for this week's do you want this right ears yeah yeah I'll keep one of them for later do you want this week's sponsor

or do you want last week's sponsor? Step right up. I want last week's. There was a dog on the train yesterday. It stunk. Did you smell it? I didn't see a dog on the train. Yeah, there was.

It was a lovely little dog, but it fucking stunk. We sat on the train for three hours. There was a dog and you didn't tell me there was a dog. It was a really cute little dog, actually. Where? Why didn't I see the dog?

You know, like the French people that I've seen that were really gorgeous. This man looked a little bit... I don't think he was was a dog it was a really cute little dog actually where why didn't I see the dog you know like the French people that I've seen that were really gorgeous this man looked a little bit I don't think he was I think he was English he looked a bit French though

and he was dressed like really nice and then his dog was dressed really similar was his dog really happy because it knew that it's master

was going to retire early I think so I mean he stunk your theories are horse shit by the way just in case that didn't come across when I was picking it apart before your theories are horse shit, by the way. Just in case that didn't come across when I was picking it apart before.

Your theories are horse shit. Ah, well, who knows? Sorry. No, I'm telling you. I know. They're horse shit. Well, look around the kids. Miserable as shit.

Yeah, none of them understand. Because all the UK kids are miserable. Because their parents have got to work. None of them understand. Forever. Listen, this week's sponsor is... Yes. Accidentally make an eye contact

with the driver next to you with the traffic lights I hate this hate this forever look left oh god we're being eye contact do I have to have car sex now I feel sick

I didn't mean to look I don't want to race I was just looking oh now I'm going to look at your wheel now I'm going to look at your wheel and your front wheel and your back wheel and then I'm going to look at your wheel. Now I'm going to look at your wheel and your front wheel and your back wheel. And I'm going to turn back. It's always better when you catch them picking their noses or something.

How do most of my nose picking in the car? I know you do, but you really shouldn't. We've talked about this before. It's not the place to be picking your nose. I'm very conscious of when I'm driving. Right. Although I do sometimes have a little fanny scratch. driving right although i do have a sometimes have a little fanny scratch that's why we've got a glass door installed on your little fanny especially when you got

like a crotch showing portmobile imagine when you got jeans on and then the little bit in between gets right in there it honestly there is nothing more mortifying than making eye contact with the with the driver next to the traffic lights it's it's horrible it's a horrible experience it's not that bad have you ever done the stare at the front wheel that's quite cool no just stare at the front wheel until they get really upset and then just be like just look worried stay at the front wheel and just look worried like something terrible's happened and then i look at them and then i look at the front wheel and be like oh god no because then that's gonna make them panic.

That's the point, isn't it? They shouldn't have made eye contact with us. They knew what they were getting themselves in for. Is that your sponsor? That is the sponsor, yeah. Oh,

fuck me. Oh, wow. Wolves are out tonight. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Shall I just spend five minutes

whinging about pensions and talking about me dead grander in the garden? Don't look at everyone laughing. Oh, don't. That's upsetting. You did talk about your grander. and talking about me dead grander in the garden. Just look at everyone laughing. Oh, don't. That's upsetting. You did talk about your grander. I didn't say dead grander, though.

Oh, sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. I don't like that. Talk about your alive grander in the garden. He's not alive. No, but... Oh, don't. It sounds really very definite.

Like, I know he is, but when you say it in a sentence, it's really upsetting. Okay, I apologise. I'll try again. Talking about you, living challenged grander in the garden i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry play the jingle oh everyone i'm sorry i wasn't cool i'm sorry We had a fight about the jingle

We couldn't settle on a jingle So this is the jingle We hope you like the jingle Jingle Sincere apologies from the Shag Maradonoy team. That was very, very inappropriate of Chris Ramsey. But that's his dark sense of humour. And I laughed, so I'm...

Do you know what it is? As we just said when we were paused there, I said, you were like, is that okay to say? And I was like, well, you know, your nana made that hilarious joke back in the day that I think we've said on here and I've used on my stand-up

where she said that dishwasher, she needed a new dishwasher because the last one had died and she was talking about her husband. And it is coming all over, you know, pension for retirement for five minutes and then all dead.

But I said to you there, I said, oh, sorry, it's coming all over and do you think about it multiple times a day because I do, but you said you don't. No. You honestly,

right, you think about dying multiple times a day. Over ten. What? Over ten. In what way? Just in, oh God, I'm going to die one day. Seriously?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, do you know that? I don't. No, I wish I didn't. I have to force it out of my head. Do you ever hear us making noise? We were watching something last night. Oh, here we go. We're busy watching um how to get away with murder got away with murder just that viola davis one um and stormzy that storm and yeah and um stormzy and dave uh song called clash amazing so we're watching that and there was a moment

something happened and i went e like that out of nowhere i went e and you went what i went oh she's got no luck has she they got no luck has she i had to make up in my head because the e wasn't about the show or watching the e was pushing the thought of what happens when you die out my head so what had happened um i was thinking about what happens when you die and then everyone says what what do you what specifically what how is it how you die you know just no it's the fact i'm about to tell you so it's when people say what happens you know and you talk heaven and hell and all that stuff but then when people go on it's nothing like it's nothing you didn't know anything before you were here and you're nothing it's just gone forever and i think about the idea

of nothing forever and i think but like but what but where am i where do i go well why do you think i'm clinging on to my cathism? Right. For dear life? I swear to God, I might, you know. Because at least, you know, there's something. Yeah, a bit of comfort in it. But I do, and I go,

and I get like a weird thing in my head, and I get like a panic. I honestly feel like if I think about it long enough, I'll pass out. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a real, I'd love to hook myself up to like either a blood pressure or some kind of heartbeat monitor or something that manages your stress levels and puts them on a screen. Because if I think about it hard enough,

I think I could fucking, I think I could blow a machine up. Seriously, I didn't know you thought about death that much. All the time. But yet you do a lot of things that put you in danger of death. Do you know what I mean, though? You've got to own it.

See, I never really think about dying. What do I do when I put in danger of death? You've done two skydives. Yeah. Stupid. Bring it on. You go on segways and that. Segways.

I've caught you. To be fair, the guy who invented a segway died on a segway. Did he? Yeah, I think so. You shouldn't have told me that. I'll have to verify that. No, not them ones. The one with the handles.

The one with the handles. I am 99% sure. The guy who invented them or someone to do with segway. No. Went off the end of a cliff on a segway and died. Fuck. You might have told me that before. Yeah, I think I may have.

Oh, gosh. That is tragic. Oh, yeah. I'm getting turned on here.. You might have told me that before. Yeah, I think I may have. Oh, gosh, that is tragic. Come on. I'm getting turned on here. Tell us what other dangerous stuff I do. Well, I caught you and I've caught you several times now

and you need to pack it in because we've got a TV show coming up. I've caught you doing backflips on the trampoline outside. Just so... Just shown off

in front of me nephews. It's ridiculous. They were, in my defence, they were very impressed. I mean, it looks quite good but you could break your neck and die. Okay. So for a man who worries about death a lot,

you don't half put yourself in the face of death. I don't worry about it, I think about it. I think about it a lot, right? I think about what happens and when it's coming and the fact that... Everything I see, I see everything. Anything, you know, the other day, there's a fruit and veg shortage. Oh, God!

Everything just pushes us into panic mode. Do you know on Inside Out, the Pixar film, where they go inside the boy's head at the end and he sees the girl and they're all just running around screaming. That's my little guy's head all the time. All the time.

And then a moment of chill and then a clickbait can get us, anything can get us. I still think you need to take medication. Wow, that's nice. Just medicate.

Just medicate the nation, shall we? You suffer really badly from anxiety to points where it really can cripple your life, right? I've told everyone

I'm scared of the wind now. I've mentioned that, haven't I? I think we've mentioned it. I don't think I put it in my beef because I thought, you know, it's a genuine fear that you've got.

Right to the wind now. Wind anxiety. Every time it's windy, Chris just turns into a shell of a man. Anxiety. Oh, fuck me. You need something. You need, honestly. Look, everyone's just trying to medicate us.

It's started. It's started. But you've never even tried it. You've never tried it. I'm all right, man. You're not all right. You're not alright you're not alright you don't meditate you don't

do anything oh she's trying to meditate us look here I'm gonna tell you right now why I don't meditate why I'm gonna tell you right now

Rose I'm gonna go and meditate for half an hour alright no bother five minutes in Chris Chris well right what are you doing

wait listen are you not are you doing right listen are you not are you not finished you're meditating yet I'll stop you right now what I'll stop you right now Chris

listen nobody with two young children is meditating for half an hour I'm not having that there we go you can have 15 minutes do you see what I live with

she just told us I don't meditate and I told her I don't because I don't get time and then she's talking back because I'm sorry no you would stop meditating and then you'd be like the only time I don't meditate and I told her I don't because I don't get time. Because I'm sorry. No, you would start meditating and then you'd be like,

the only time I can really meditate is Saturday morning at nine o'clock in the morning. This is the only time. Well, Chris, but the kids, that's the time when it's the only time I can meditate. How about a Wednesday afternoon when you don't have much on? I can't.

I can't. I'm just snowed under with all my wind zydey. It's too much. But on a Saturday morning when I can get away I'm just snowed under with all my wind it's too much but on a Saturday morning when I can get away from the kids, that's when I'll meditate go fuck yourself you think I was born yesterday didn't you

ladies and gentlemen welcome to my meditation CD just relax and close your eyes and just check in with every part of your body just see where you are and just breathe in and out and just listen to your breaths. Chris! Chris! My nephew's wanting to do a backflip on the trampoline.

Chris! Double standards. Chris, I can't reach the coffee beans. That radio, that's making that noise again Great That's your favourite one aye That's your favourite one You're gonna put me prints up You're gonna put me prints up

You still haven't put me fucking prints up You don't know where you fucking want them right I do I could tell you right now But you are putting it off Putting it my walls are bare Hey listener how are you Great putting it in my walls are bare bare babadoo babadoo babadoo hey listener

how are you great now listen while listening to this what just happened I'm so sorry I don't know what he's doing right now

I'm trying to make it sound like a little advert no that's nice I was listening to another podcast the other day the only other podcast that exists and then they stopped

doing it so we're still the only one but they said on that podcast we haven't asked people for ages which one are you talking about ah just some piece of shit um they said and i forgot to do this guys while listening to this on whatever app you listen to if you can just click the follow button that would be amazing by the way because it helps us massively it takes you two seconds we're not asking you to go on anywhere and vote although

that will happen again soon but just click the follow button and then you get reminded because we released we um what are the kids we dropped we dropped some extra episodes recently

oh yeah and I don't know if everyone saw them because you might not have had your notifications on because it is easy to just go on

and find the podcast or look in the charts we're always there ofs just click follow so what you don't do you don't do like me and know what it's called

and just type it in every week you follow click follow god almighty click follow no I deal with some I shoot with more on every week you follow click follow god almighty click follow no I deal with some I shoot with more

on all your little apps click follow and you'll get all the little notifications we don't release extra ones all the time but now and then there's a little bonus one

I'm actually looking for some recommendations of some new ones some true crime ones I'm running low yeah make sure you give us some really good ones

because you know it just keeps our suspicion levels up round the house quite nicely doesn't it yeah oh yeah i'm terrified yeah yeah i thought i heard someone pissing in the bathroom the other night ah remember right we'll have to talk about this actually yeah so you said in the morning you went i thought i heard someone in the bathroom last night now the bathroom is at the opposite end of our bedroom to the door yeah so i, why would someone be in the bathroom? There's no windows in there.

I said, why would someone be in the bathroom? And you said, I don't, what did I say? You said, waiting to murder us. Yeah.

And I said, so they've come in specifically to murder us. Yeah. And then they stood over the bed with a knife and they thought, ah, quick piss for this. Quick,

quick piss in that en suite right next to their fucking bed. Fight or flight. But you, you two, You two are fucking getting it once I've emptied this bladder. And then I looked in the bathroom, but I didn't look in the shower properly. So then I got back into bed and I was like, I didn't properly look in the shower.

Is someone still there? Hold on. They were pissing in the shower? Oh, I don't know. Why fucking I kill them? Still don't know what it was. Dirty bastards. Still don't know what the night was.

I think it's since the Michael McIntyre thing, you know. Yeah. Just how easy it is. No, no. You facilitated their entry into our house massively. You turned off cameras. You turned off alarms. You opened the door for them.

You turned off panic buttons. Fair enough, but I mean... Like, come on. It's still weird though, isn't it? Yeah, watched him i listened to too many things yeah but you still want recommendations on them everyone it's the suspicion it's the suspicion when we were on the train yesterday yes or no dead quick we were on the train yesterday and um the old gentleman sitting next to us got up to go to the toilet and you, for a moment, couldn't find your phone and you went,

where's my phone? Have you got my phone? It turned out you were sitting on your phone. For a moment, did you think that the old man had stolen your phone? No. Okay.

I didn't. Okay. Do you think that's what I thought? Yeah, you just go to suspicion levels. It's so strange. You go to suspicion levels all the time. You're really suspicious of everything. You've got to be.

I don't trust anybody. Yeah, that's great. I don't trust anyone. It's lovely hearing that from your business partner, partner in crime, partner in double act, love of your. You've got to be. I don't trust anybody. Yeah, that's great. I don't trust anyone. It's lovely hearing that from your business partner, partner in crime, partner in double act, love of your life, mother of your children. Don't trust anyone.

Don't think you should. I think the only person you can rely on is yourself. Yeah, there we go. I'm sorry. I don't. I really, I think it's just deep trauma that I've had. You don't trust me, do you? What do you mean?

You don't actually trust me. I don't trust anybody. You don't actually trust me, though. In what respect? I trust you with my children. I don't trust anybody. You don't actually trust me, though. In what respect? I trust you with my children. I trust you to look after my kids. You don't trust me, though, do you? In what way?

Do you trust us? I don't understand what you mean. Do you, like, right, okay. It's a random morning. I get in the car. I put a blindfold on. I say, do you trust us? You see it, and I drag it for four hours somewhere blindfolded

do you trust us no why because people screw people over all the time when they've been married

for years and years and years and I love you I really do love you I promise you I love everybody in my life but do I trust them

no don't sorry so even then i know you don't trust us so even i do to an extent but even then the fact that you loved us sort of was better but then you followed it up with i love everyone in my life so i'm now on a level playing field no i do i love my mom and dad i love my brother and sister i love my best friends i do but do you trust me more than you trust your mom no wow wow am i meant to yeah no because i did i've only known you since i was 20 how old 27 i've known my mom my entire life right uh-huh wow well you know

but i know i trust you enough i do like okay right i'm i sound terrible right now i do trust you hence why i'm in a relationship with you and I'm married to you right but do I think that maybe one day you could screw us over I think everyone's capable of that I'm getting really serious here

I think everyone's capable of screwing somebody over so I just never fully ever sorry brand new from Wondery everyone's capable of screwing everyone over

by Rosie Ramsey interviews with Rosie Ramsey I just don't trust anyone I just tell my mum I've known my mum my whole life but I've only known you since you were 27

coming soon wherever you get your punch don't know because you fucking arsehole no listen to me no I'm not listen to me you have

sneakily lied to me about loads of stuff no I guess it's your thing you claim that I lie all the time. You do? About really weird little shitty things? Yeah, to not get told off.

Right, okay. To not get told off by you. That add up to the point where I go, oh, he could just lie to me. Stop being such a fucking battle axe, right? And chill the fuck out. By the way, can we also talk about... I feel really bad.

I genuinely love you and I do trust you. Only to an extent, though. To our journey with a trust you only to an extent to our journey with a blindfold would that work to our journey with a blindfold yeah to our journey i think it would be something the way that i feel about you right now i think it would be something lovely really nice little picnic or something i think it would be something dead sweet but who knows one day you could be taking us to me death yeah because we're sick of each other right and people turn on each other. And the sooner that you realise that, that's what you should be anxious about.

Fuck the wind. What? You should be worried about people fucking you over. You fucking Zubai Joker, aren't you? I'm a pristine white belt in BJJ. I'll snap your fucking arm off and hit you with... Oh, there he is! Come on!

I'll fight you! I'll fucking fight you! The real him. Oh, that went really deep then didn't it can we just round this section up because we were on the train yesterday we've been to London big love to Acast

we went for a lovely little meal with the people from Acast that was nice nice guys the gentleman on the train next to you on the way back was of a certain age lovely man

you know dressed in a suit are you going to talk about the bacon sandwich no I'm going to talk about the fact that we sat on phones emailing, watching stuff.

Oh my God, did you notice this as well? I looked out the window for the whole journey. Three hours? Three hours? Like a fucking killer. No, like Chris,

like, oh gosh, I really don't want to generalise ages. I was jealous of him. No, I've sat next to loads of people mature, of a more mature generation

yeah you can just sit and not do anything for hours out the window it was i kept looking at him and he kept looking i thought did you did not make you feel bad it made me feel like i thought i was like i think he wants a conversation yeah he probably thinks you're talking to strangers he's probably going to get off and go i sat next to these two fucking knobs and i was watching my ipad i mean you had an ipad at one point you had an ipad a laptop and a phone in front of you you're talking to strangers and shit he's probably going to get off and go I sat next to these two fucking knobs and they're just glued to the phone I mean you had an iPad at one point you had an iPad

a laptop and a phone in front of you so he must have thought oh Mrs Goodcrack yes she is I'm mental I can listen to a lot of things at the same time

I just had my phone but he was he just sat there and sometimes he just looked out the window and sometimes he was just looking in front of him he did have a little sleep

I did notice that he was lovely very well spoken really nice gentleman had a little sleep I did notice that he was lovely very well spoken really nice gentleman but it's us that are knackered we're the shit ones what have we done

he's just fucked like this our generation our kids generation Jesus Christ they know Robin yeah

he doesn't have a tablet during the week because we've banned his iPad and his Switch after school because it's just too much

so we banned it and it's been for a good few months now yeah yeah he does Saturdays and Sundays he's so fucking bored and all he does

is go around the house going I'm so bored I'm so bored and I'm like well you can be fucking bored he's full of shit last night he was like

I'm bored I'll take you swimming and he went no I was like do you know how fucking good swimming was when I was a kid, you little shit? You're a fucking amazing man. That's how spoiled our kids are. Imagine your mum and dad. What day

was it? Tuesday? On a Tuesday night. On a Tuesday night he said, do you want to go swimming? Do you? I just shimmy. That's when I'd think they were driving us somewhere to kill us. If my mum and dad said to me, we're going swimming on a Tuesday night there's the suspicion. I'd be like, I beg your fucking pardon. I'm sitting in the back. None of you cunts are sitting behind me i've seen the godfather i'll be like what month is it it's not it's not your birthday it's not your birthday

it's not my birthday what's happening am i dying mom am i dying Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's the girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. I'm not real. I'm not real. Who said that? The first omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the year. The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for What's Your Bee? What's your bee? Jesus.

Wow. It's my own getting nosebleeds. It's all the tension. I know. Probably getting nosebleeds I know It's all the tension I know Probably getting nosebleeds off all that shouting you did last night Who was I shouting at?

Me When? When we were going to bed Yeah we did have an argument We didn't have an argument I said one thing and you fucking went absolutely off it

and I stood there bewildered No but Bewildered Do you remember I couldn't shout very loud though because the kids

were asleep so I was like you fuck off you fuck off oh it was very sorry I did apologise you did apologise this morning

I'll tell you what we'd have had a frosty day if you hadn't apologised because I woke up still fucking fuming like fuming but sadly I'd forgotten

all about it oh yeah you do that yeah dick well you haven't though because you apologised I did apologise I can apologise

because I know that I was in the wrong and I'm sorry still don't trust you I do or don't anyway listen it's time for beefs

come on we've already had a go at each other but let's do it more why not eh I'm going to go straight in with my beef oh go on then

just a little one little fun little fun little one don't worry I've got some really serious ones in the bank here but I've held off on them this week because we did have

well you did have a blaring argument with yourself last night and I was just I was in the way awful it's like an audition I'm going to

again I'm going to well I don't know if it's a gender thing it might not be everyone probably will be do you ever have does your partner does your partner It's like an audition. Again, I'm going to... Well, I don't know if it's a gender thing. It might not be. It probably will be. Does your partner ever just fly off the fucking handle and you have to just stand there and go, well, this isn't me.

Yes, I've started this, but this isn't about me. This is about them. So they're angry about something. It really had nothing to do with you. I was just in a bad mood. Yeah, and you were stressed about having to go to bed because, you know, Rafe bothers you. I was just in a bad mood. Yeah, yeah. And you were stressed about having to go to bed because, you know, Rafe bothers you all night.

That's what it was. Yeah, I knew exactly what it was. It's because every night I go to bed and I love him so much. I love him with all my heart. You love him so much, but he loves you too much. He just won't leave me alone.

And I'm so tired. And he's really... I look haggard as fuck because I'm just not sleeping enough. But this too shall pass he's only two and he's just going through a little bad

sleeping stage he gets up every day at five o'clock and he pulls my hair and it's like I'm being tortured but it's fine because I just love him

so much and it'll be fine put your head so that's I'm sorry you got the point of that I did yeah I did

anyway look got a little fun one for you my beef with you this week is er I was disgusted the other day I turned round and looked at you in the kitchen

now for some time you have just opened up a pack of ham and just started eating ham from the packet oh god I love ham slice by slice

like fucking Tony Soprano yeah but he had he's better ham than me oh yeah he was like getting out it was in that well it was in the paper like the delic the delicatessen paper, his stuff.

Yours is just, like... Smoked ham. Yeah, just, like, packets of ham, big piles of ham. The kind of ham that, when you open it, it smells like a fart in the packet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the kind of ham you chow on. So, you know, it's a good stuff. Yeah.

The other day, you got a bit of ham, and I watched you, and I thought what are you doing with this and you held it like a little like a little taco in your hand yeah

you went to the fridge you got a bottle of salad cream yep you squirted the salad cream inside the ham yep and then you rolled the ham

up around the salad cream like something off Art Attack and just popped the whole thing in your mouth like a little like a little dumpling didn't you

little salad cream ham dumpling yep yep disgusting why is that disgusting? It was just a disgusting thing to witness. How? I just couldn't believe it.

I'm just putting a sauce on a bit of ham. It's the way it was done. Honestly, I almost think if you got a plate and you put a few bits of ham on the plate, then you squirted a bit of salad cream on the side and you picked the ham up and dipped it into the salad cream and ate it, it wouldn't be as bad.

It was the fact that the ham was in your hand like flat and slightly folded like an open book and then the salad cream went into the middle and then all of the corners of the ham came together like a little parcel and you just dropped in your mouth like a fucking like a like a like a salad salad cream bomb jager bomb salad cream bomb all right lads all right day 15 salad cream bomb. Alright lads, 15 salad cream bombs for the lads. Do it yourself. You get the ham and you sit there. Down in one. Down in one. When I open

a cafe in years to come, that's what's going to be on the menu. And it's going to get shut down. I just really like ham and a bloody salad cream is my favourite thing in the world and do you know I didn't eat it for years you know

and you didn't eat it until you met me since you right again there was moments where this should be a video podcast because the

you just pointed at me there and you didn't eat it until you ate me you didn't you didn't eat it until you ate me now how much

do you love it how much do you love it how much how much I do like it oh he fucking he fucking loves it. You recently found out that salad cream was a lot less calories

and better for you, in a way, than mayonnaise. Yeah, I haven't had mayonnaise, Chris. Oh, no. Oh, no, hang on. No, I did. Our household salad cream consumption has gone through the goddamn roof since. Do you know, I don't want to be one of them people, because I genuinely haven't had mayonnaise on the side of my meal

coming up nearly a month. But it might have sneakily been in something that I've ate. So I don't want to say I've not had mayonnaise. Oh, no one cares. No one gives a fuck. Regarding episode 207 of the podcast, she said that she hadn't had mayonnaise

on the side of her meal for a month yet on her Instagram post yet four days previous to that there was mayonnaise clearly on a sandwich She said that she hadn't had mayonnaise on the side of her meal for a month yet on her Instagram post. Yet four days previous to that, there was mayonnaise clearly on a sandwich that she was eating on a train. Okay, you're joking. You're joking, but you haven't lived a day in my Instagram, have you? What's your beef with me? My beef with you is that you have not renewed your passport yet.

And we are going on holiday this summer. And have you done it yet? No you when you're gonna do it i find it uh archaic and medieval that you have to go to a fucking supermarket with all your hair done and all your fucking gear on and your suit on and that and go and get your take coins what year is it and go and get your photo taken while everyone's walking past with the shop so this is what he's pissed off about. It's not just renewing it. It must have been 10 years. Something like that.

I'm not being funny. You should be looking forward to it. Your hair is diabolical on your passport. How dare you? You've lived in about 10 different houses since then. How dare you? Dick? How dare you?

How dare you? How dare you? I find it fucking ridiculous that we have to do that. And there's apps and stuff that go on passport for app. They're all shite. And they're all rubbish. They're all making you pay four quid to download the app. I did the kids, you know.

I'm sure I did the kids lying down on a bit of white paper. See, what the hell's going on? I'm sure I did. Remember what Robin got his done? I had to take him to some photo place in South Shares and she lay him down on a white sheet and

put the camera above him. He looked fucking terrified. I think I had to do that with Rhys. Oh no there's

pictures. There's pictures on my phone of when you were away and we needed to do the passport so me and

Robin tried to do them and I got Robin to take the pictures and I was holding Rhys. Oh yeah you

can see your hands under his arms. Yeah it was tragic. It was absolutely tragic. So I suppose you can do them in the house then, but just the whole thing irritates us and I've very rarely got my hair done these days

unless I'm going somewhere. And if I'm going somewhere, I've already had a couple of beers while I'm getting ready. I've already had a couple of shower beers, so I'm in no state to be taking Do you have shower beers? Not for a long time Seriously?

Not for a long time How long? Don't you Nothing better than a shower beer I'm not dissing you Sounds amazing Lovely hot shower Lovely cold beer

Not beer I would have a wine No I'm going to start drinking champagne. Less calories than wine. What? I just don't really like it. You know when the Prime Minister on the news or whatever,

they go, how much is a pint of milk? And he goes, he doesn't know how much a pint of milk is. Rosie Ramsey, are you in touch with the people i'm gonna start drinking champagne now actually what a fucking obnoxious statement to make i'm just gonna start drinking champagne not too expensive champagne what's that prawns I'm on lobster it's less calories than branch champagne

and lobster for me thank you that's it jeez Louise not dead expensive champagne it's why all the peasants are fat drinking wine

I'll be on my champagne well I'll tell you right now champagne in a glass is 88 calories and wine is like 120. Oh, very fucking hell. Big difference, isn't it? Wow.

So I'd rather be skint and skinny. Skint and skinny. Skint and skinny. Booked and blessed, skint and skinny. That'll come to bite us in the arse in 10 years' time, won't it? Someone will find that from the archives. Oh, no.

Skint and skinny. I was about to say you can't get angry at this what i was about to say it's 10 years when you haven't lost any weight at all and someone goes i thought you've been drinking champagne that's what i thought you can't get angry at that i thought that's what you're gonna say i thought that's what you're gonna say you didn't have to say it did you champagne didn't work did it apparently i've heard not drinking at all it's actually yeah were going to say. I mean, you didn't have to say it, did you? Champagne didn't work, did it, eh? Apparently, I've heard not drinking at all is actually quicker. Yeah, I was going to say, have you heard of water?

Nah. Nah. Nah. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch

it's shaggedmoudenoid at gmail.com I've got an ick ooh I've got an ick that someone sent us oh yeah a photo ick

on twitter that someone sent us I don't know who you are but you know you know who you are I know who you well I don't know who you are but you know who you are

and you know you sent us how do you do this oh god I'm sweating basically someone sent us a photo and it was really fucking funny um it was a photo they were driving behind a car and the car in front of them uh a backpack strap was hanging out of the boot but the boot was closed and it just said bag strap bag strap hanging out of the boot it's getting it's getting silly now that's ridiculous so who's the against the person in the car you know the guy who drove past with the carrier bag on the front of the car this is this is the car version of the toilet paper on your foot from the from the toilets i get it i get it oh you know who you are who said

that thank you It was great. I do look at my Twitter. I just very rarely interact with anyone. Hello. Listen to episode 205 about the family passing around the shoe. Remember that?

This is quite a big response actually. Yeah, lunatics. Reminded me of something that happened in my Tinder phase. Oh, we love a Tinder phase. We love a Tinder phase.

I'd only been seeing this guy for a few weeks. Let's call him John. Okay. But he was living with his parents so inevitably met them quite early on got you which just dead quickly i want to say like i don't know whether it's an american thing or i don't think it's a british thing because they're very much like meeting the parents i mean the parents and it's like in england we live with our parents for quite a while so you meet the parents like pretty straight away I'm sure you do in America.

I'm sure they just use it as a fucking, as a story plot for films and shows. Yeah, they've made it into a much bigger deal than it actually is. I met your mum and dad

the night after we had sex, the first night we got together. Yeah. The day after, sorry. With Juran as well because my dad was filming it. Oh, God. When I think about that,

that is awful. The next morning. Yeah, it was horrible next morning yeah oh god are we gonna have is that gonna happen to us isn't it you should be ashamed

we're gonna be sat in a living room and our kids are gonna come down after they've been booking someone in their room the night before

and we're gonna be like hiya do you want a tea coffee orange juice how was the shagging oh and we're probably going to know their

parents as well yeah because you know small town small town anyway got that look for you that's good

can't wait he was living with his parents so she met them quite early on the first time I'd met them I went to leave the house and

saw that one of my shoes was missing okay they were all in the kitchen together so I felt like a right moron going in and saying I'd lost my

shoe but alas I had no choice. However, when I said I'd somehow lost one of my shoes, John just said, for fuck's sake, Dad, and left the room. His mum then explained to me that every time a new person comes to the house, John's dad hides one of their shoes, and the guest has to find it before they leave. I hate him. The whole family refused to help me or even give me any clues, i.e. hotter, colder, nothing.

Not even hotter, colder? No. Feeling very awkward, I then had to start opening cupboards in a virtual stranger's house whilst John looked on apologetically and his dad followed me looking very pleased with himself. This is fantastic! I love him.

Thankfully, I found it pretty quickly. Never went back as me and John didn't work out, but I've always admired the lens John's dad went to piss his kids off and embarrass them in front of their dad. I'm stealing that. I'm stealing that 100%. Yeah. That's fucking great.

Are you going to do that? Why didn't the family help? I don't understand why John just stayed. Because the dad's probably like, the dad's probably like, none of yous are helping. Right. Yeah, but you help though.

You go, dad, this is embarrassing. That's not part of his job. That's not part of the joke's probably like, none of yous are helping. Right, but yeah, you help though. You go, dad, this is embarrassing. That's not part of his job. That's not part of the joke, is it? Right, okay,

yeah, I suppose. I would hate him. I would, if I went to some lad's house, right, that I was booking back in the day and I went downstairs

and I was like, hello, hello, hiya, yes, oh yes, me nana used to go to church with your nana,

hello, yes, blah, blah, blah, and then the dad's like and I'm just like where's me shoe

and the dad's like you're allowed to find it I'd be like fuck you fuck this house and fuck this family I'm off you probably would have

took the other one off kicked it and walked home barefoot because fuck it they're Kate's shoes that I've nicked off her anyway none of them are my shoes John's dad

what are you going to do no I'd be raging I don't find I don't find i don't find practical jokes by dads funny no yeah you keep calling me dad jokes recently but you know do you know what i mean though do you know when someone's dad like does weird shit and you're like i don't think you're funny yeah i've had known loads of them over my time i personally i think hiding the shirt it's quite cool quite funny i mean i don't know why you'd want a virtual

stranger going through all your cupboards. That's weird. Exactly. Because it's like, all right, dickhead, I'm going through all your shit now. Like, to wind him up, the first place I'd have done it, I'd have went, right,

I'm looking in your bedroom for it. And I went straight up to his bedroom and opened the drawers next to his bed. He just shot, went and got that fucking shoe out for me. What do you think's in his bedroom drawer? Well, I'd find out, but I'd be like, you know, you know when you see the police do it

where they just pull it out and just empty the whole contents on the floor? Yeah. I'd be like, you want to fucking play, John's where they just pull it out and just empty the whole contents on the floor I'd be like you wanna fucking play John's dad fuck around and find out in real life that would be horrible

I mean it's quite funny like I say I'd call his bluff I'd FBI raid his fucking house everything let's try it

when the burns are over 100% if it's funny 100% do you know what I mean great stuff we'll have been married a long time then

we'll probably be needing a bit of lift you know what I mean? Great stuff. We'll have been married a long time then. We'll probably be needing a bit of lift. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're so positive about the future. Sorry. I know I think I'm going to die every five minutes, but you just think you're going to get more and more miserable on the way to a fucking pension that never comes.

I just know how I feel now at 36, and I just think, God forbid, when I'm 46, I'm going to be literally the most miserable bastard there ever was. That's what I look forward to. Call my aunt. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Yep, always.

I am a 19-year-old student at uni in the Midlands, and I have just witnessed one of the muckiest things potentially ever to be done. Okay. The other night, my friends and I went out to a local club to go absolutely feral and get completely wankered. Happy days. I hear you.

However, when we say feral, this isn't quite what I had in mind. Once we'd got into the club, already steaming from pre-drinks, my friend and I undoubtedly needed the loo. Rosie, I'm sure you can vouch for this need on behalf of all women on a night out. Absolutely. Men need wheeze too. Can I just say?

Ridiculous. Don't you rain on my parade. I'm not going to take your piss on your parade. I need a piss. No, it is true. When you're on a night out, once you break that seal. That's it.

Yeah, if you've got a jumpsuit on. Fuck. Oh, no. Awful. As ever, her and I went to the same cubicle where I was able to break the seal first

before standing up and allowing her to take her turn. What? Just when you need a piss and someone else is having a piss, it's the worst.

Yeah. It intensifies how much you need your piss by like a million times. Yeah. The amount of times I have to wait for Robin to have a wee

and I'm standing there like, I'm going to piss myself. I'm actually going to piss my pants. So they're going in the same cubicle she's went first anyway as her and I were chatting away I watched as she continued with her business in what seemed to be a normal manner before it all went wrong watching as she grabbed some loo roll and wiped away the excess liquid around her vag I looked on in horror as she then used the same bit of paper which had just made contact to bring it up to her nose and blow her nose in the piss ridden paper like it was nothing. I was mortified. To her though this seemed nothing out of the

ordinary as she continued our conversation throwing the snotty potty paper in the loo and flushing it away. Oh no. Wet. With everyone piss. Would she not, I'm not a woman, but would she not

tuck all her makeup off the end of her nose? Yeah, yeah, probably. And then, With piss. All I can imagine is later on if she's necking on with someone

they'll be thinking what's a dink's a piss? Why is this woman's nose made of piss? Mrs. Piss. That's the thing, you know. You don't know what anyone's done, do you? That's the thing.

It's weird, isn't it? You see someone and you think they're beautiful or whatever on a night out. You don't know what they've done. Yeah. They could have been in the house all day picking their bum and eating it. They could have been.

They could have been. They could have been picking their bum and eating it and you'll never know. Oh, no. And you're neck on with them. People will do that. I saw a TikTok the other day you don't watch TikTok

but I watch it quite a lot it was a video of a man and a woman right the man stuck his hand down the wife's bum scratched her butt

inside of her bum sorry this is on TikTok and then she smelled it what the fuck yeah what the hell people have their children on TikTok

why is he doing and that's a video and you watch that and that's got views someone sent it to us someone shared it. A share. The most lucrative thing

on the internet. Yeah. Fucking hell, man. Just out in public. Out in. Out in public. So, and he's videoing it. No, no, no.

Someone else is videoing it. Like a stranger's videoing it. Oh, okay. Sorry. He's took his hands down her arse, scratched her arse, and then she smelled it. And then put his hands

in front of her face and shit. Right, that's fair enough. Why was that fair enough? It's awful. Well, it's not in front of her face and she, right, that's fair enough. Why was that fair enough? It's awful. No, it's absolutely not. Oh, that's alright.

Oh, I thought you meant something disgusting. No, I thought they were doing it to each other and videoing it like, hey guys,

this week I'm going to scratch their arse and sniff it. No, somebody's videoing them. Right, so they're just out in public.

In public. Right, yeah, horrendous. Yeah, I'm not surprised by that, sorry. Why aren't you surprised

by that? It really affected me. I was like oh my god horrible do you want to save the video right come on

I'll find it show us the video babadoo babadoo babadoo bah right I've just watched it rotten couple of pigs

dressed quite respectfully which I was upset about that's the most upsetting thing about it because they look

really quite alright he looks like he's dressed like probably like a teacher and she looks like she's just dropped her kids off at football

or something do you think that's their do you think they've met somewhere monkey and that's their thing going in public and smelling each other's arse just awful

so yeah she's got her hands she's got her back to him and the fact that it's been video tells me that they've done it a couple of times in this sitting and someone just caught the last one

he's got his hand down her arse crack he's going for it and then he puts it out then he literally almost taps on the shoulder and she turns around like like a fucking labrador what you got for us and he goes horror tiktok is the fucking worst the pits of the do you know what have you ever seen the shining oh many many years ago at the end of the shining where it's all going fucking nuts and and the little kid danny is is

legging it through the the hotel and all the doors are opening fucking mad shit's happening is that that film yes oh yes all of this happens at the end where it's like it's like a cacophony of craziness happening that's what tiktok's like running down a fucking haunted corridor and every door is just some dirty annoying cunt doing something horrible yeah it's horrible oh god it's so addictive though honestly

I wasn't offended by the idea of him scratching the arse and letting her sniff it but now that you've showed us it I'm really gutted and I just think

it's just so many levels above does me breath smell we've got a little code we check each other's teeth after a meal in public to make sure nothing's in my teeth how's your mum

and you smile you go how's your mum and you smile and you go fine how's yours smile Jim Jim

it's my arse crack smelly well I'm not sniffing at your dirty bitch yeah it's fine you gonna wash your hands Jim yeah fuck it Well, I'm not sniffing at your dirty bitch, yeah? It's fine. You're going to wash your hands, Jim? Yeah, fuck it. Oh, here's the bus.

I'll ring the bell. You know what. Where are we going now, Jim? I'm just off to use every handrail in the city. Crossing Green Man. Press, press, press, press, press, press, press. Tony, haven't seen you for a while. Put it there, pal.

Hey, is this your kid? Hey, you've grown up. Look, I'll just ruffle your hair there. There we go. Well, yeah, we'll have a crisp, thank you. I am available to help out at the soup kitchen. Let me just get my pinny. Right, off to me job as a hand model now.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, now dear rosie and chris please keep me anonymous i was pointed in the direction of episode 205 specifically the bit on the fireman's pole yes fireman's poles on fire stations are very necessary i don't go to work to walk down a set of stairs i can do that at home wow and often the pole can be the most thrilling part of our day, a childhood dream. And it says, includes sound effect. Whee! Fair enough.

A vital part of any station. But in truth, they do have a practical advantage. It can be quicker as we only have 45 seconds to respond to the bells, get kitted up on the truck and out the doors.

Shit the bed. But not always a positive experience. Let me share one poll-related story I do have that goes back about 15 years. Fantastic. Thank you for emailing in. Yeah.

At my station in particular, we were lucky to have a large social space upstairs. This was standard practice years ago before my time and a rare find these days. We had a private function, a retirement due for a local paramedic. Like yourselves, the question was asked by a few in attendance, can we slide down the pole?

It was only polite to oblige. A few of guys and girls queued excitedly for their turn when a few minutes in, there was an ear-piercing scream. The pole, as shiny and smooth as it may appear, isn't exempt from the laws of friction. This isn't a problem for us as we are appropriately dressed when operational. However, for a female attending a party

and possibly wearing a skirt with no knickers, this may have caused some minor discomfort when she, how do I say, gripped too tightly with her front bottom, consequently ripping it over, causing some minor tearing. No. She split open a vag on the pole.

She split open a vag on the pole. Well. Fuck me. Where is she though? So, she was in good company. Retired paramedic. She was dealt with adequately by her friends and colleagues. Perfect.

Never did she return again, understandably. See my brain? I wasn't wooed in the slightest there without a outcome because I knew where she was. So, hang on. We've all had a drink, right? Yeah.

We've all had a drink. Yeah. I've got a skirt I'm unowned away. Yeah. Would I be getting on the fireman's pole? You'd realise, wouldn't you?

But then again, how excited is she? She's very excited. Is she a big fan of Fireman Sam? I think she's grew up watching Fireman Sam buzzing every time that alarm goes, when you hear the fire bell ring, gosh.

Yeah. So, yeah. Wow. Oh, God. I had to burn that pole, I heard. Really? Yeah, I had to get a priest to come in, bless it, burn it.

The power of Christ compels you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I think this next story is okay okay but I'm going to say what you guys say now we did have to edit one out last week

and people are people are they're calling for it I said we might mention it on the tour we'll see so this story I think is a 90s story

okay and you know the world has changed a lot since the 90s okay but we were in the 90s and i could imagine this happening but i just think it's quite funny okay okay so just to anyone listening now who wasn't in the 90s shit like this used to happen okay or did it i don't

know i'm gonna bet i'm gonna bet that this isn't gonna make the cut but here we go if if if the next thing you hear is me going and it didn't make the cut bye everyone then it didn't make the cut place your bets now three two one dear chris and rosie i was on the phone to an old friend the other day when she told me a story that has made me look at mars bars in a completely different light fucking hell i'm stopping in here right it all started with a trip to wales when she was in year five we are now our 30s, so this is going back a few years. Wow. She and her class had gone on a field trip to Wales, where they were in the middle of Norway, surrounded by nothing but sheep and green

Welsh countryside. Literally a field trip. Yeah. After a few miles of walking and exploring the landscape, one of her classmates suddenly collapsed. Everyone started to panic as it became clear that the boy, who we can all call Matt, had lost consciousness. In amongst the hysteria, one of the teachers shouted,

Has anyone got anything sugary? To which another boy in my friend's class replied, Yes, and pulled out a Mars bar from his rucksack. The teacher grabbed the chocolate bar and quickly unwrapped it, but instead of putting it in Matt's mouth, she put it on the ground next to him. He was lying on his front, pulled his waterproof walking trousers down and underway, and shoved the whole moss bar up his bum.

Fuck off. There is no fucking way this happened. There is absolutely no way. The whole class watched on in horror as the scene unfolded. Thankfully, after a few minutes, Matt regained consciousness. Of course he did! Of course he did! I'll tell you right now,

it was nothing to do with the sugar. It was the fact that he was in the middle of a field and a teacher just fucking stuck a Mars bar up his arse. Oh, the sugar's went in me system quicker than all me fucking PE teachers put a Mars bar up his arse. Oh, the sugars went in me system quicker. No, me fucking PE teachers put a Mars bar up me arse. You have to listen to the rest, you ready? It's bollocks.

The next day, the teacher who had put the Mars bar up Mad's bum had to give a full school assembly on why she had put the Mars bar up his bum. That's not... Turns out, because Mad had passed out, she couldn't have put it in his mouth bum. Turns out because Matt had passed out she couldn't have put it in his mouth as he could have choked and she needed to get sugar into his system

as soon as possible as his blood sugar levels had dropped so apparently it goes into the bloodstream just as quickly through the bum. Matt is now 30 and has not lived this story down. He is known as Mars Bar Boy and every year he gets Mars Bar themed presents. Matt is now 30 and he's never ate a

Mars Bar since... Matt is now 30 and can only eat Mars Bars through his arse. He can only enjoy a Mars bar. Do you know what? I don't know if this is an urban myth. I don't know if they have them on. I don't know if it genuinely happened

and the teacher's a fucking idiot. The main point of this story for me, I hope it's true, and it's so beautiful, the idea that there will have been a good two or three minutes where they had to wait for the heat from his arse to melt it. What do you mean?

Because your arse hasn't got teeth. So you can't just stick a Mars bar up like a fucking USB. So it's had to come out of my arse? It's had to melt. Oh, Jesus. Pull his pants back out, right? Wait for his arse, wait for his body heat from his arse to melt it. Then the glucose will enter his blood.

There he is, he's back. I think this has happened. I think this has genuinely happened. Oh, sorry, I passed out. Oh, I've shat myself. No, that's a Mars bar. We'll put that up your arse to resuscitate you. Yes, I am.

I am a trained doctor. Imagine. I'm not being funny. If I was the kid who'd given the Mars bar, I'd be fucking devastated. Imagine being in that assembly. I thought you were just going to be fucking devastated. Imagine being in that assembly the next day. I thought you were just going to have a bite. Imagine being in that assembly the next day.

Old school sitting there. The teacher's standing. Matt's just on a chair next to the teacher, silently facing the room. On a pillow. On his side. Line on his side lying on his side knees to the stomach

oh god I hope that's true I do too I think it is I genuinely think that is full assembly 90s were mental man well in the assembly we were going to discuss

why I put Mars Bar up Matt's arse in that field in Wales yesterday. Did I put this in the book? Was it in the book? But I've told you before, when someone in my class, someone stole someone's crunchy,

so the teacher stood six of you in the row and smelled all the breath. That was wild, wasn't it? School in the 90s was fucking wild. That would not happen now. Like, right right everybody stand in a row and like what the fuck no you've had a twig sit down that's a mint arrow that that's a mint arrow you're sitting you're free to go funny hold on What's that? Might be you. It was a toffee Christmas!

It was a toffee... Right, okay. Okay. I've got the wrapper! Right, okay. I had a Mars bar, miss. Your breath doesn't smell. Smell me arse! Yeah, yeah, you did, didn't you? Sit down, Matt. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! Doo doo doo doo doo doo! Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of shag maridonoy which is part of the acast creator network is that a burp that was a burp very professional

great it has to be buzzing like you said that during this i'll say it again without any bodily functions we are part of the acast we are part no it's fine now i'm leaving it we are part of the acast creator network and happy to be uh so yeah guys if you can click follow on your podcast app that would mean the world thank you so so much you'll not miss out on any little extra episodes to throw in your way and uh if you want to get in touch shagbird at gmail.com keep sending fantastic mars bar and arse related stories and uh yeah thank you very much. Bat in the ears next week. Bye. See you later. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking

Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats

for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.