Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 210. Pear of Anguish

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

On the podcast this week Rosie and Chris discuss Rosie’s dental problems, Sandra’s Birthday and Chris’ trip to the wrestling. They take a deep dive in to medieval torture devices and Rosie reveals her disgust in Chris’s feet.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my other half, dot ca on tuesday everybody make a wish and pray to the angels yeah and yeah you're getting your you're getting your flaps out about that aren't you buzzing go get me flaps out for someone how are you do you know what um i'm all right this is the good week the good week of my life i don't hear about that right i want to hear about your dental problems oh so yeah i've got

problems today serious dental problems yeah i'm actually in a lot of pain but i've got quite high pain threshold. Funny that, isn't it? All women do. Mention it constantly, but fair enough. So for those of you who aren't away, we did our first arena tour. Second one's on sale now.

Happening later on this year, November, December. Can't wait, very excited. However, the first one we did, Rosie went and got a tooth ripped out of her head that was giving her a bit of a bother. Literally three hours before the Newcastle Arena show.

Yeah. So you turned up off your tits on all kinds, didn't you? Yeah. Probably shouldn't have done that to be honest with you.

No, no. It's silly. Yeah, but you are, you know, needs must. You are just like, you know, it was like,

very much like Rocky in Rocky where, I mean, it's unrealistic, it wouldn't happen ever, but in a real boxing match but there's a scene in one of the Rocky films

where he cuts his eye yeah he's like he can't open his eyes for the bruising he's like cut me Mick cut me and they fucking get a razor

and they slice his face which would stop the fight it was horrendous worst thing ever I think that's what they say in labour wards right yeah cutters cut me Susan

cut me anyway you got your tooth ripped out didn't you? Yeah I did. Before an arena show. To be fair you took one for the team. You could have sort of just not done the show and got some medicine. Never! Yeah the show must go on. And now there's a tooth space in your head

so your wisdom tooth are coming in because you're 14 years old. Why is it happening? This is my life though right? And this is how I get annoyed at myself right? And this is how annoyed, I get annoyed at myself, right? The dentist did tell us that this could happen.

Right. So he did say like, because there's space in your gums, your teeth could move, which is the rankest thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, your wisdom tooth might come through.

But because he didn't say it will happen, I just kind of was like, oh well. Yeah yeah and I've left it and now it's coming in all right so you should have got a false one put in to keep the space right okay a bit of scaffolding yeah right not just but you're not just popped a little marble or something in there just kept it there a bit of popcorn a little bit of popcorn yeah well that would have made you a little tooth out of something I know I'm good with wood I've got a saw on that

oh yeah made you a little wooden tooth yeah yeah yeah oh god just a little separator do you know what I mean matchstick yeah like you know

when you fold up like a beater mat and put it under a table and a wobbly table in the pub I could just tell them I know darling I wish I had

because what's going to happen am I going to have to get this taken out or is it just going to have to come through probably just going to come in and push him it's going to hurt like fuck

so have I saved a bit of money? Just, my body's like, yeah, listen, Rosie. Yeah. Don't spend, how much is a tooth? What I was going to do, the wooden procedure I was going to do was going to cost you no more than 500 quid for me, me at rates.

I think that, 500 quid, is that how? I was going to charge you 500 quid to put a bit of wood in between your teeth. For a fucking bit of, what is it? Mahogany? That is my rate for putting wood in people's teeth horrendous don't devalue me

how much is a new tooth? who cares you don't get a new tooth on the NHS you can't get one now so it doesn't matter your wisdom tooth is going to come in I don't want a wisdom tooth I want another tooth

you want a fake tooth so you want to push the wisdom tooth back down into your head well how long has it been it's been there for years. It'll be minging. And now it's got spate. It'll not be minging.

It'll not be getting touched by anything. It'll be hiding. It's never been brushed. Because it hasn't fucking had any food or anything on it. If anything it'll be

the cleanest tooth in your fucking head you psycho. Oh right okay. Yeah. You keep saying in your head. It's weird.

Well where is it like? In your mouth. What's it like? Where's your mouth? It's in your head. I know, but you keep going, and then a tooth in her head. Because it is in your head, because it's not come out in your mouth yet. All right, man. It just sounds weird. It's in my mouth, in my jaw.

And it's really painful. And then I've got an ulcer on the other side, because I keep touching it. And it's just a bit weird. You're a little fidgeter as well, aren't you? I imagine you're braying your tongue off that constantly. All the time. Yeah. Constantly touching it.

Gurning, yeah. And then I touched it with a dirty finger this morning, I was like, oh, there we go. Your finger, or that just,

that sounded like you found a finger. Oh no, just my dirty finger. Like the fucking walking dead, little finger, stick that on your tooth.

I'd just done loads of stuff with the burns and that, and then, I think I changed it and that'd be, and then about 10 minutes later.

Jesus Christ, man, what's wrong with you oh my god I've got my hands are dry as fucking sticks me knuckles crack when I make a fist

because I wash my hands so much and there's you changing nappies and then just hoeing nappy shit in your mouth sorry what year is it

2020 yeah back in lockdown are you no I just wash them I always have done so do I my washing habits didn't change when the pandemic happened

I always wash my hands that much that's why my hands are always fucking bleeding and I know everyone listening going moisturise well no

because I moisturise and then guess what I have to do two minutes later wash my fucking hands it comes off I'm sorry you don't want to

watch Chris moisturising his hands it's the biggest ick I've ever seen in my life I'll describe it to you now so he puts it on

before bed and then he lies in bed like a surgeon actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a surgeon about to be gloved up. Yeah. And he just sits there like this with his hands in the air

letting the cream dry. Have you ever seen it where I just do the backs of my hands? No. Or when you kind of do them on each other. Yeah, so imagine rubbing your hands together palm to palm. I do them the other way, dear listener.

So I put some on my back knuckles and then I just rub it all in the back of my knuckles yeah pretty awful to do pretty awful to watch sorry about that I've got really dry hands

can I I just want to clarify I do wash my hands a lot I just didn't I didn't get a chance this morning sounds like you're dipping your finger into the baby shit nappy

and then rubbing it all around your gums like Tony Montana it wasn't a poo it was a wee oh that's fair enough then I wash them after every poo alright okay

not after every wee though. Quickly, wee, quickly dip it in the mouth, see if it, ooh, fresh that one, good,

now I'll wash my hands. Oh no, I've touched my wisdom tooth, fuck me. Anyway guys, thank you so much for coming back, thank you so much for listening, thank you so much for putting up with this,

and let's be honest, utter fucking drivel, every single week, but we enjoy it, and we're glad you enjoy it, and it's episode 210. We've been banging this out for 210 episodes plus all the other

little extra ones that we do and we get a very rare very rare holiday very rare I know but yes

and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor now Rosie very exciting sponsor this week oh

very exciting because all the rest of them have been well you know I went to the uh ufc at the weekend um might might have uh made a little detour on the way there for a little couple of business meetings about a new product i'm launching right um so not only is this a sponsor for our podcast which you know brings in that sweet sweet dollar dollar bill obviously

also it's my product i'm now launching so the sponsor and the sales this this is a game changer okay this is a game changer okay you ready for this i know i've got no idea what this is yeah come on okay episode two to ten shag my nor this week's sponsor is crabs crabs c-r-a-b-s that That's Chris Ramsey's arse and ball sack deodorant. Hey, hey, are you wearing a flashy suit, but all you see when you look in the mirror is a guy with a sodden undercarriage? Are your balls being slow-cooked in a pot of your own arse crack juice? Not a good look, brother.

Not a good look. Are you worried everyone in the meeting can smell your Putrid, damp, swampy Gooch Even though it's a Zoom meeting Then you need crabs Works 100% of the time Money back guarantee

But don't just take my word for it Listen to these satisfied customers Since I started using crabs My sack is like a round ball of sandpaper. Crab saved my marriage. Oh crabs changed my life. I used to sit on a plastic bag on the sofa but now I can drag my arse along it like a dog and it's bone dry. Get it bone? Nice one man. Crabs only $50 a bottle. Why the dollars I don't know

is it only available in America I don't know what is the so what happened what did you have some you had sweaty balls at the UFC

or did everybody have sweaty balls no nothing to do with the UFC so what I was just I was having to wash this morning

and I was like I put some deodorant on and I was like I wonder if there's any deodorant just for your arse and your bollocks because I've got a roll on and you don't want to use a roll and then like roll it down your arse could you not I put some deodorant on and I was like I wonder if there's any deodorant just for your arse and your bollocks because I've got a roll on

and you don't want to use a roll and then like roll it down your arse could you not use just normal deodorant I don't know I googled it

Chris I'm not being funny I'm a bit of an entrepreneur right I know it's I know it's horrific but I could could this sell could you get behind it

yeah I mean I don't think we'd have to call it crabs but no I like what was it Chris Ramsey's arse and ball sack

C-R-A-B-S Chris Ramsey arse ball sack I love it deodorant I love yeah all right then yeah yeah yeah okay let's do it okay no i'm not listen i'm not even joking so do you get really sweaty do ben get some men do i do i'm mine aren't too bad if i'm right it's just something i was thinking about but i looked online and there's no you can't take that back if you're going to make this, you have to be the sweatiest man. I'll go get it. I used to have really sweaty arse and balls

until I started using crabs. Crabs. There we are. $50 a bottle. Oh, look, I had loads of time on my hands this morning. I didn't have much to do. So I came up with that. I'm invested.

There we go. Dragon's Den? Yes. We're going to Dragon's Den yes we'll go on Dragon's Den should we we'll wheel me on a table and I'll lie

on my back and I'll lift my legs a kimbo and you can apply it to me arse and balls and we'll see how long

until the table is a spray like a deodorant we'll do both we'll do a spray we'll do a roll on a talc alright then

we'll do a talc we'll just listen and a wipe a deodorising wipe we'll just do talc just do talc we'll not tell anyone we'll do a talc as well. We'll just, listen, right? And a wipe. A deodorising wipe. We'll just do talc. Just do talc. We'll not tell anyone. We'll just sell it to you.

We'll just buy Johnsons and Johnsons talc. Mate, fuck Johnsons and Johnsons. No, we'll buy it. Supermarket-owned brand. Supermarket-owned brand talc. We'll take the label off. Yeah. $50 a barrel.

$50. I was still recording this. Shit. Oh. They'll take it out out Dizzy take it out Now and then You do play along With me bullshit

Don't you Now and then Listen I'm actually up for this That's just because You've got a sweaty arse Jingle Yeah

We had a fight About the jingle Jingle We couldn't settle On a jingle Jingle So this is the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle jingle

we hope you like the jingle jingle jingle jingle jingle what is it good for absolutely nothing I just cleared my throat

in the little pause there and basically I like you know when you started the song it was disgusting when you're like I'm going like

just kind of get your coughing is just the worst thing ever what is it good for absolutely nothing anyway I'm going to say it because you haven't

bothered saying it welcome back to Shagmire I hope you're all well hope you're doing good Rosie's good I'm good everything's good it's been't bothered saying it. Welcome back to Shag, Married, Annoyed. Hope you're all well. Hope you're doing good. Rosie's good. I'm good. Everything's good.

What's been going on? We had a party at the weekend for Sandra. Sandra turned 65. Sandra's birthday. Yeah. And it was on Mother's Day because she's a selfish bitch. That is correct. I'm joking.

That is correct. It was bloody lovely, wasn't it? We had all the family around. Lovely day. It was absolutely class. Lovely, lovely day. Lovely day, lovely night. I was a little bit leathered because I just didn't drink any water, Chris.

Right, okay. I just kept drinking wine all day. Were you hanging yesterday because you hit it quite well? A little bit. Not too bad. Because I find that when you go out, out

and you're drinking in bars, the wine is rotten. Yeah. It's rotten. Yeah. I don't care where you are but you might be the first person in three days

that's asked for a white wine and they just get that white wine out the fridge yeah it's just I always have such a bad headache whenever we've been out but

yesterday people brought nice bottles of wine over and we had nice wine and you don't feel as bad nice wine man you don't you do not get as hung over off nice wine

I don't want to sound like a wine snob here but you do not get as hung over because there's less c don't want to sound like a wine snob here, but you do not get as hung over because there's less caca in it. All my champagne diet didn't last very long. Didn't last very long at all. You had one bottle of champagne and then that was it.

It just felt a bit too weird. It felt weird though, didn't it? It did feel weird. Yeah, I was like, I don't really like it that much. I had nothing to celebrate. No. I was like,

why are we drinking this? This is fucking pointless. It was odd, like a flute of champagne in the house watching The Last of Us. It was just odd. I was like, I can't get behind, I can't get on board with this. It was odd, like a flute of champagne in the house watching The Last of Us. It was just odd. I was like, I can't get behind,

I can't get on board with this. It was the juxtaposition of watching The Last of Us, which is phenomenal, but groom as fuck, and sitting there just... A flute of champagne. Chin chin, everyone. Chin chin. I was like, yeah, get me the pinot grigio. Thank you very much.

No, so I had a lovely little time happy birthday Sandra it was really really nice I need to talk about my Nana you didn't see her did you no

I mean I saw her but I didn't see the thing that you were about to talk about so I don't know what happened with Bridget yesterday right she was just

on one it was the day before yesterday by the way but you lost all of yesterday because you were hungover

so that's what happened I did yeah Nana was like the child catcher walking around so first of all it was about

four o'clock we had pizza everyone had had the pizza I mean Nana was like I've got the kids some sweets and I was like alright

first of all sorry big shout out to Log Fire Pizza oh yeah in South Shields Instagram log underscore fire underscore pizza

underscore co I think on Instagram fantastic they came they pulled their van onto the driveway and they made pizzas for everyone

absolutely phenomenal pizza so that bit I couldn't be arsed to cook and I couldn't and there was quite a lot of people and I was like should I get catering and then

we were like let's get we're pizza friends and they came on the driveway and the kids couldn't believe their luck. Like, did you hear? Who was it?

Was it Oliver? I can't remember. I think it was my nephew. And he's like, Mom, the pizza's, they're free! Because obviously I just got the bill at the end, yeah. But it was like, that was hard. And the kids were running around going, they're free! The pizza's are free!

And then you heard me just after going, you're still getting one each. One each. Seven inch, not 10 inch. You'll not fucking eat it. It was like the wedding all over again. It's free. He's like, well, no. the pizzas are free and then you heard me just after going you're still getting one each one each seven inch not ten inch you'll not fucking eat it it's like the wedding all over again it's free

he's like well no somebody does have to pay for it it sounds all glamorous and stuff getting all the pizza and stuff but let's not forget the fact that I was outside at about nine o'clock

at night in the rain picking up cheese from the patio oh nice that was nice oh were you yeah I had a plastic a paper cup

and I was just picking up cheese that people had stamped into the patio all day and putting it in. That was grim. It's a lot of pizza hands. But so good. Anyway, so we did all that.

So what's Bridget doing? Just me Nana. Just God love her. She got some sweets for the kids so then she was walking around like the fucking Pied Piper, right? Just kind of like giving out flumps and lollies and that

and everyone was loving it and the kids were buzzing and she was just happy as Larry. And then it got later and later, right? And it must and it must have been i swear to god must have been about eight o'clock and bear in mind it was a school night so there was there was still kids there but it was like winding down well not really because it was still it got a bit later but everyone was drunk and it was it was just meant and then me nana all of, I'd just seen her and she had like just loads of tenas in her hand. Tempo notes.

Tempo notes. And she was just walking around giving it, right? But not to the kids, to the grown-ups. So I got 20 quid. She was like, that's for the boys, right? Tena for Robin and Tena for Robin. Bless her heart. It was mint, right?

It was mint. But the funniest thing was right so obviously I've got two kids so I've got 20 quid my cousin Jacob has just had a baby so he got a tenner right

to Thomas's only a couple of like a month old right Kate got 20 quid Millie my cousin she has no kids so she just stood there she was like

I'll get fuck all Nina's got four kids right so she got 40 quid my cousin Nina she got 40 quid and I was like them kids better see them I was like them kids better see them tenors Nina them kids better see them tenors Nina spent that on a taxi home

taxi for Chinese got a Chinese takeaway then went back Robin seen we're getting them so obviously I was like say thank you to Nana and uh so he knows he's got a tenor but it's just so funny seeing me little 85 year old Nana walking around like a drug dealer with just and I was like where she got these tenners from it was just

very very funny like Louds of Money the Harry Enfield character I'll get you I'll get you get yourself something nice

there you go oh it was it was just brilliant it was just very funny because I was very drunk by then and just seeing me Nana giving out

just giving out tenners to everyone I mean I got 40 quid well i could just go four kids shocking that like shocking that like not being funny like a pocket money in pays your mortgage a pocket money now when my millie's never around for a dinner i was like you're too old love you can drive love get away you've got a fucking job you've got a job you're not young anymore there's an electric golf electric VW golf part on the drive it's yours she was the youngest

for years not anymore oh god no well on the subject of Nana Bridget so Nana Bridget is going to have

an interesting week this week alright why because obviously I went down the UFC on Saturday to watch Leon Edwards retain his title

against Kamaru Smith oh god didn't you tell us what happened did he win oh yeah yeah oh he won headshot dead watch Leon Edwards retain his title against Kamaru Usman oh god you didn't even tell us what happened did he win oh yeah yeah oh he won headshot dead absolutely

Leon Edwards Birmingham lad Birmingham lad well done so it was amazing thank you to all of the people of UFC who looked after

what all day no no you know who you are who looked after you were amazing but obviously where we sit we sit with the fighters

it's amazing so when the fighters come through getting their Vaseline on and that, we're in the background staring dead excited and I'm getting loads

of tweets of people going, every other fight that comes out, you can just see me in the background at another level of drunk. So obviously when I came in and everyone's going,

hey Chris, I saw you last night, saw you on the UFC last night when I came into the party. And obviously your Nana's so lovely, and she's such a big fan, she watches everything I do,

so people, she kept going, what? And people going, oh yeah, he was on the UFC on the 10 last night, and she's going, yeah,

right, well I'll have to watch it then. No, she thought you were in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She thought it was a program that you were on.

First of all, she thought it was a program that I was on, then someone told her it was the fighting, oh no, it's like, and someone said it's kickboxing, which a lot of it is kickboxing, striking,

and she went, oh, you were doing that, and I no i was no look no i was in the crowd she was like yeah i'll have to watch so she's probably gonna watch all the ufc on catch up so just to see you in the well she's either gonna be mortified or i've got someone else to take with us next time you never know you know bridget down to the o2 you might like it you never know didn't back in the day didn't they all love boxing and that? Oh, they loved it, man. Yeah. Brutal back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cut me make and all that. Yeah, cut me make. She might be well up for it. You never know. Oh, she'd be a good person to take with you. Oh, she'd be buzzing. She's not all the fighters and that. She's lush.

She'd be there with the Vaseline. Does anybody need a hand? On the way out with the kid. Here's a tenner. You did really well. Here's a ten. How many burns you got? One, way out with the kid. Here's a tenner. You did really well. How many burns you got? One, two, three. There you go.

A tenner? Tenner's for kids. What's happened? Unbelievable. Do you know I used to get a tenner? I used to babysit when I was 16, 17. I used to babysit

for someone around the corner and I used to get a tenner for the full night but I used to get a pizza while I was there so I'd spend the tenner. Oh, so they didn't supply the pizza? No, no. I would get a takeaway so I'd just get a pizza. Like for a full night. But I used to get a pizza while I was there so I'd spend the tenner. I was basically, I would just get a pizza.

No, no, I would get like a takeaway so I'd just get a pizza. Like ten quid for a full night's graft. Ten quid. Mate, I was the same. Unbelievable.

Bloody Bains get ten quid. They just get that now? They get ten quid just for existing. What the fuck? He's done it now. I'm spending that. He's not having that.

He's not having that. But yeah. Don't tell Nana. No. No, I can't say that. He will get it. No, he will get it. He will. Babadoo, babado ddim yn gallu ddweud hynny. Byddwch yn cael hynny. Na, na, na.

Na, byddwch yn cael hynny. Byddwch yn cael hynny. Na, na, na. Babadoobabadobabadoba. Mae amser i chi ffeithio. Beth ydych chi'n ffeithio? Ffeithio, ffeithio, ffeithio, ffeithio, ffeithio, ffeithio, ffeithio. Beth ydych chi'n ffeithio? Ffeithio.

Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio.

Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. Ffeithio. that much time together it's been absolutely wonderful so necessary we spend a lot of time together chris we really do so many voices and i mean my voice is really crackling we can't leave me clear and we throw it in for these poor people listening um yeah but i still got a beef i've still managed a beef but you go on you go first oh yeah i don't know i do have a beef i mean they're running thin actually because we have done a lot. Yeah.

We've done like 200 and a lot of them. Yeah, no. No. I've got a fresh one from just this morning. Oh, is it about the teeth brushing? No. Oh, right. What teeth brushing?

When you were getting Rave's pants on and he was kicking off and I was trying to brush his teeth at the same time. Oh, sorry. I've got two from today. No. I've got two from today. Yeah.

I might make that mine actually. No. That was annoying. My beef with you. Right. No. I've got two from today. Yeah. I might make that mine, actually. No. That was annoying. My beef with you. Right. So you've been doing this a long, long time. And I'm surprised I haven't said it sooner, actually. If I ask a favour for you, to pass us something.

So the other day, I said, can you pass us the dishcloth? Right. And you didn't bring us the dishcloth. Right. You brought kitchen roll. Yeah. I'd spilled something. You brought kitchen roll roll then you tried to do it yourself okay and i was like i didn't one i didn't ask for your help yep two i didn't ask for kitchen roll right i asked for a dishcloth and i'm not trying to be a dick here right no no no but listen we are married we are living a house

together we ask each other for things, right? A favour. Can you pass me things? I'll pass you things. Why? Why don't you just pass us the thing that I've asked you to pass us? No, no, I've got another example. One more example. We've got a little shark thing, you know, the hoover thing?

Yeah. I'd cut Robin's hair because I can't be honest with you and the hairdressers. Poor fucking kid's gone to school with a DIY haircut, by the way. Just in case you think we live some school with a DIY haircut by the way just in case you think we live some kind of celebrity life by the way

you know I mean earlier on we were saying expensive wine doesn't give you a hangover that might have sounded a little bit privileged not expensive just good wine

just decent wine that might have sounded a little bit privileged anything over a tenner yeah a bit over an ass but yeah Robin and Rafe have both for about

a fortnight now every couple of days she just trims their fringe away from their eyes and then hoovers it off them and sends them out so I've done my little

makeshift haircut which I learnt in lockdown by watching a video hashtag still got it I mean the kids look fucking stupid they actually look horrendous they look so bad

two little Lloyd Christmases rolling out of the house. It's so bad. Rave looks the worst. Yeah, he looks really bad. He looks disgusting. Yeah. He looks like Tarzan.

Yeah. On a morning, he looks like Boris Johnson. Yeah. It's horrible. Horrendous. Horrendous. So,

you're taking this afternoon, so that's good. What was I saying? Yeah, so, Robin got a little bit of hair on his jump line. I was like, can you bring the shark? Yeah I saying? Yeah, so, Robin got a little bit of hair on his jumper and I was like, can you bring the shark?

Yeah. Right? You didn't. We had an old Dyson, it doesn't work. The Dyson one doesn't work anymore. Right. And you brought that

and I was like, I didn't fucking ask for that. Right. Why didn't, and you were like, why, why, why? I'll deal with that now. I'll deal with that one first

and then we'll go back to the other one. So first of all, I didn't know it was for his jumper. You said, can you bring the little shark? Now the little shark, it's not as good for getting stuff off carpet, so I said, I'll bring the big Dyson, I'll get one. So first of all, I didn't know it was for his jumper. You said, can you bring the little shark? Now the little shark, it's not as good for getting stuff off carpet. So I said, I'll bring the big dice and I'll get all the hair off the carpet. And you went. I didn't ask you for that. Yes, but you know

what it is, right? Instead of like going to fucking DEFCON 1 and just starting a fight, you could just go, it's for his jumper. Boom. Sorted. Right? Instead of, instead of being a fucking ignorant, horrible, I'm sorry, I'm swearing I'm swearing I'm swearing a lot lately, I don't mean to instead of being an ignorant, arrogant mansplaining dickhead just bring us the thing that I asked you for okay, okay, that's fine if you say to me, can I have the Bairns cup

next time I'm going to bring you a jug I'm going to bring you the jug first of all, when I ask you for something, I get 600 fucking questions so don't even start that shit like what fucking why what for what do you need air huh you always do the thing that you've asked for you apps in what world do you just bring me the thing i've asked for you fucking liar i don't i don't bring you something else and go i've decided that that's what you should do yourself now first of all why, why didn't I? Your question before this.

Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Your question before this was when you asked for a dishcloth, why didn't I just bring you the dishcloth? I'll tell you why. Because we don't fucking have a dishcloth. The sponge. That's not a dishcloth.

Brings the dish sponge. That's different words. Sorry, am I just supposed to in my head, computing, computing and pick a different word? It's not kitchen roll though, is it? Right. But it's the same kind of fucking thing. It's not. I didn't know you wanted it before. One's wet. And second of all, the first

third of all this is actually, look I'm losing count but here's another point. Stop pointing at me. Get your, get your, get your hand on my face, bitch. Listen, get your wife something on my mouth. Now, I right, I the part of your beef there was that i try and do the thing i'm trying to help you've got your hands full with the kids there's no no no i don't want your help but can

you imagine that part of your beef is that i'm trying to help and you're angry that i'm trying to help i don't there's people out there who sit on their ass and don't do anything right trying to help okay then i would just like a little bit of that because you are an absolute busybody you're a busybody and I said can I just have

that thing so I can do it and then you come and take over and do it and it's weird it's really weird it's strange that you

get offended by that I do it upsets me because I just want to do it myself because you've normally got two fucking kids hanging off you and I think I'll just help maybe

can I have that and clean that up? Maybe I'll just clean it up. Maybe I'd rather not have the kids hanging off us and do the thing. You've got no choice, Rafe. He's not going to come to me while you clean up. Do you know this morning, we came downstairs and obviously watched the Minions. Changing the subject. And literally, so we've got two sofas in the sitting room.

They sat on us, Chris. Yeah. I was trying to lie down because I was still tired. Rafe was on my face and Robin was like on my stomach and I was trying to lie down because I was still tired Rave was on me face and Robin was like on me stomach and I was just why why

why did I do it is it like an animal thing or is it like a dominance maybe exerting dominance it was horrible yeah anyway

so what am I beef with you now I did have one thing written down but it just reminds us of the other thing now don't mention that thing this morning nah

don't want to no because I was kind of the other thing now don't mention that thing this morning nah don't want to no because I was kind of in the wrong I don't want to admit it oh this is very exciting shall we tell

we might as well we're going to have to tell everyone it is now we're going to have to tell everyone it is but listen take your hand here I accept your apology

I accept no no no no no I accept your apology and I know you're in the wrong so I was trying to get I do admit when I'm in the wrong so my beef with you today

I'm just going to copy and paste this one for next week there we go just highlight that put that in the next week's file I this morning was trying to get

Rafe's trousers on for some reason he was acting like I was trying to put him in a fucking Iron Maiden he was furious so I'm lying there

I've got him laying on the sofa it's a torture device. It's like a medieval torture device. The band named themselves off it. There's one in, you ever seen Sleepy Hollow? A long time ago.

He goes into this room. It's like a coffin with spikes on the inside. Oh, right. Okay. So like a spiky coffin. I'll call it. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Just your bog standard spiky coffin. Yeah, yeah. There's a spiky coffin in minions thank you i didn't know it was called sorry chris you mean like a bog standard spiky coffin okay yeah i've just been calling it a spiky coffin what are you talking about yeah i see one of them every day it's a spiky coffin i'll have to google it i'm guaranteed i'm 99 sure that's one of those two things it's like the man in the iron mask what What a good film that was.

Yeah, it's a spiky coffin. Oh, cool. Okay. I got it right. I got it right. I'm a clever lad. So they were actual things? Like genuine?

Oh, some... Oh, you could get on a rabbit hole of old medieval torture devices on Google. Oh, really? Oh, God almighty. There'd be YouTube videos about everything. So people... But yeah, an iron maiden.

What did they torture them for like information or just I think mainly they'd put someone in an Iron Maiden when they'd ask them to get them a dishcloth

and they brought kitchen roll instead and then it'd be like right in the Iron Maiden and I think that's totally reasonable totally reasonable way of yeah

but I mean they do look horrible to be fair like it's like awful google it now if you're listening yeah horrible sorry about that so go on you were trying to get his pants on trying his pants on trying his pants on Yeah, but I mean, they do look horrible, to be fair. Awful. Google it now if you're listening. Yeah, horrible.

Sorry about that. So go on. You were trying to get his pants on. Trying his pants on. Letting him get them in the name. Trying his pants on. Like, he was kicking right off, screaming. And you came over while he was losing his mind and tried to brush his fucking teeth.

And he quite rightly spat toothpaste everywhere. And I went, Rosie, don't try and brush your teeth while I'm doing this. It's crazy. And you went, don't tell me what to do. Yeah, I did. It's your favourite catchphrase at the minute. Don't you tell me what to do.

I hate being told what to do. I'm a mother. I know what I'm doing. I'm sure. You didn't know what you were doing. I think I said I carried these two kids. Oh, you love a bit of that. And you basically, if I had came over basically if I had came over

if I had came over and tried to brush his teeth while he was losing his mind I'd have gone mad you would have put me through the fucking window so you're a hypocrite and you're stupid

alright so into the Iron Maiden with you be gone witcher oh god but you were wrong just to get on tape again

on the audio you were wrong are you right that you were wrong in that instance to have a go on the audio, you were wrong. Are you right? That you were wrong in that instance to have a go at me? Yes, I was. Fuck, this is great. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh God. Question. Question. So it says torture device. It would just kill you. I don't think it was. I know what you mean.

I think they only went in a little bit. I imagine it would kill you after a while. But if you look at it, I imagine, so they wouldn't put a massive guy. I imagine they had different sizes for them.

So you either, the clothes they made and you either had to stay completely still standing up and you were getting a little bit spiked, but it was okay. I don't think it was like a fucking garlic press. Do you know what I mean? I don't think it was like,

I think it was stay completely fucking still and it's just, they're all just going in a little bit I mean imagine it would be the worst fucking thing in the world ever can you please stop

googling torture devices we're trying to do a podcast here do you actually I'm genuinely doing that I know exactly what you're doing I know exactly what you're doing I just want to get a couple more you want a couple more

okay so next section wait hold on hold on let's do a babadooba and just before we do questions from the public let's do a quick

Rosie and Chris's review of torture devices. Can't wait. What a fucking episode this is. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Okay, so basically you would have just heard DLS now, a pause, a babadoo, bah, bah Okay so basically You would have just heard dear listener

A pause, a babadoo bah which would have took a couple of seconds We've actually been paused for fucking ages While Rosie's Trying to manufacture a sound effect This is Rosie's new little soundtrack jingle For a bit that she's just claimed we should do Every week which is talking about medieval torture devices Which is fucking dark as shit

You ready? Just holding a laptop like a fucking violin again. Now, welcome to the medieval torture device section of the podcast. This week's first medieval torture device is the Pair of Anguish. The Pair of Anguish. The pair of anguish. The pair of anguish. Okay, what's the pair of anguish? This is exciting.

Actually, I'm learning here. This is good. Why don't you find it? No, you've already got enough to do with going through the questions and stuff. Oh, no, I'm going to get you to do more. Why don't you find one for me? Mate, I've found...

It's the doors. Right, so you've put... Right, if you can hear that in the background, Rosie's put some kind of playlist of doors opening on YouTube. There we go. Hello? Sounds like a five-evee motor.

Hello? Is somebody there? Rosie, can you just... Just turn your laptop... Hello? Turn your laptop off, please. Fuck me, someone's buzzing into it. Why have you got door sound effects on?

Turn them off. All right, man, I have. Right, okay, so The Pair of Anguish Pair of Anguish I've got a feeling this goes up your arse But keep going Particularly hideous Right

Should I do it in the voice? Absolutely not I want to Please don't do it in the voice The simple mechanical torture device Would be placed inside the orifice Of a person And then gradually expanded

Sorry? The kindest use was in a person's mouth gradually expanded. Sorry? The kindest use was in a person's mouth where it would ultimately shatter the skull, causing death. More gruesome... You said that like it was a fucking surprise. More gruesome is when it is used on parts in the lower half of the body,

which were rarely fatal, but excruciating. Jesus Christ. A pair of anguish. A pair of anguish. What does it look like? It looks... Is it like a pear? So, it looks like something you would use in a gym.

Okay. It is shaped like a pear, but it's made of iron and metal and then it kind of opens as if you've sliced a pear. It looks like a massive tulip opening. A massive bulbous tulip. It would go in your mouth. It's quite big actually. It's on floorboards

here and it covers two floorboards. It's about two inches in diameter, but then it opens to what looks like about six inches. That's absolutely horrendous. So it would go in your mouth and shatter your skull. Right. Or it could go up your arse. You know what isn't a shag, I'm very annoyed.

Winner, two years in a row, of best comedy podcast. Comedy. Yeah. Comedy podcast. Sponsored by the Pear of Anguish this week. So we'll do another one next week. Do I have to?

No, there's some really good ones on here, but I'm not wasting them all. Not wasting them all for this week. That one looks really exciting.

Looked more like an aubergine in my opinion, but I don't think they had aubergines back then. Do you know what I mean? Like how we only got bananas in the 70s or whatever. They probably didn't.

Yeah. Eh? No, we only got bananas like in our parents' lifet how we only got bananas in the 70s or whatever. They probably didn't. Yeah. Eh? We only got bananas, like, in our parents' lifetimes, we only got bananas. Really? Yeah. In England. Wow.

Do you not know this? Oh, I don't know what to do. Maybe not. We imported them and it was like, fuck, these are amazing. Might be my grandparents' lifetimes, but definitely within living memory. Right.

Yeah. Like, you know, I imagine there may have been, at some point in the world, a very rich person back in the day who travelled a lot who would have brought a banana back for their kids and the kids would have been like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It'd be amazing. I mean, get it on your last day or you're going to be just bringing a brown bit of sludge back. It would be black, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't actually think, I think you're wrong there. I don't think it would have lasted the journey because they'll travel

by boat then well no I'm saying some rich person might have had a little little aeroplane I'm sure that aeroplanes were about before England got banished

right Google no do you know what it is I'm thinking about who brought the potatoes oh god what's wrong with us just Google

when did the UK get bananas okay it was 1897 it wasn't it wasn't recent memory. Jesus Christ. What? 1970s.

You are ridiculous. 1890s. It was the 90s. Just the 1890s. 1890s. So it's a bit of a weird episode this week. Obviously, not just all the torture and stuff, but we have to you this will be seamless for you well hopefully but there's got to be a break in recording now hasn't there yeah i've got to go get my teeth looked at

and i'm hoping will they do anything today or will i be all right is it just so we're recording this now because there is a small chance that you will not be able to speak for the rest of the day yeah so if on the next bit you just hear old questions from the public that we haven't used that have been banked up that get put on this podcast it'll be because rosie can't speak no blowies excuse me no blowies sorry i'm gonna i've just ordered myself a pair of anguish. Oh, good for you. Good for you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So she's been to the dentist.

This is a couple of hours later. She's come back. Oh, hello. Hello. No, I'm all right. She didn't do anything. Oh, she did her fucking acting again, didn't she? She did her bloody acting.

We were all worried. So it's weird, isn't it? Because it's been seconds for you, dear listener. Dear, dear, dear listener. Hours for us. Hours for us. Hours for us, yeah. I went on the treadmill. Rosie went to the dentist. And now we're back.

And you're all good. Yeah, it's exactly what I said. It's bits of food getting caught in it. It's minging that, isn't it, when you say it like that, though? It's just bits of food stuck. That's just made it go all mangy. So he course of dilled it out. Did he mention

a warm salty rinse because that used to be my dentist's favourite thing I think he did yeah no he did he did say that I've just got to I've just got to be careful

he's given us this this brush that I couldn't say properly something about a tooth headed oh I've just seen you soft so it's like a long stick with a little tiny

little tooth pointy little bristles on and I did just see you in the mirror in the kitchen practising it you had your torch on and that so that was nice that was nice to watch sexy yeah little toothbrush, pointy little bristles on. And I did just see you in the mirror in the kitchen practicing it. You had your torch on and that. So that was nice.

That was nice to watch. Sexy. Yeah. No, so apparently your wisdom teeth are bug out to get out as well. So he's like, just see how you get on. He's given us antibiotics.

That's because he just loves, he knows you love getting a tooth out. I really don't. Fucking whip it out, mate. I really, although he did mention there's something wrong

with the one next to the one, the wisdom tooth. Right, what's wrong with it? I don't know., although he did mention there's something wrong with the one next to the wisdom tooth. Right, what's wrong with it? I don't know. I think on the side there's like decay because of food getting trapped in. So it's like rotting the tooth from there. He's like, I don't think I can do a fill in there.

I was like, oh God. So I said to him, can I just get that one out as well and get two new ones? Jesus. Yeah, I don't think he was very impressed with that. No. So I don't know,

but apparently we're getting your wisdom tooth taken out. You have to like go into the bone and everything. Well, yeah, I don't know, but apparently we're getting your wisdom tooth taken out. You have to, like, go into the bone and everything. Well, yeah, I mean, the videos online, on YouTube of people in America getting it done, they're just like,

the video, it's just, no, sorry, it's not the video of, like, the procedure, it's the videos afterwards of the people just in the car, off their fucking face. Yeah, but we don't get

knocked out over here. Yeah, probably not. I would love to be. Yeah, I think you just get a stress ball to squeeze here. Oh, God. In America, they just hoi drugs at you for no fucking anything. I would love to be. Yeah, I think you just get a stress ball to squeeze here. Oh God. In America, they just hoi drugs at you

for no fucking anything. I would love that. Hoi the drugs it is and get me out. I don't think I could go through that again. No. Anyway, so yeah,

we're going to see how it goes. So there we go. So she's back. She's fine. We're back in the studio. She's just looked down at the floor and said, why are your feet

fucking horrible? And then we pressed record. And you've got like thread veins. I've got like blue veins on the back of my feet so your face looks the right age right

you look like a 36 year old man your feet 94 brilliant honestly they're not great they're actually

no offence I never get them out on holiday maybe and here and they're over the desk stop looking at my feet who's got to go on holiday with you

me I'm looking at you feet who's got to go and hold it with you me I'm not looking at you you old pensioner feet pensioner feet do you know what it is I was going to when I was having a shower I was going to say

do you know what it is I feel like I was a little bit nasty to her in the podcast I called you stupid and stuff I felt really bad did you call her stupid probably I always do but now

now do you know what I'm sticking by it I was going to take it all back and apologise, but I'm sticking by it because you can give as good as you fucking take, can't you? Act your age, not your monkey feet. Act your face age, not your foot age. It's time for questions from the public.

Questions from the public. Chris's monkey feet. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, shag themoudinoid at gmail.com. Dear Rosie and Chris, I'm sat up doing a night feed and I've had a sudden thought. Okay, that's amazing.

I do all my thinking at night. Do you remember night feeds, Chris? I do remember night feeds. We're not there anymore. Oh, a little update in our life. Yeah. Rafe's sleeping in his own cot. We bloody did it.

Sorry, I did it. No. I did it all it um oh sorry i did it no i did it all on my own we did it we did it you've done nothing why was that you've not done any of it i was here i was i was oh no i told you i suggested it can i have that god i did suggest it such a prick i suggested it i said do the do the thing where you just put them back down in his cot well he took he's literally he's been desperate for us to do it i think by the thing where you just put him back down in his cot well he took he's literally he's been desperate for us to do it I think by the sounds of it

he's just he wakes up like twice a night and just goes straight back down I did them both last night yeah because you haven't been here and I'm not good

so I stand by my first statement I did it me but then you slept in I did sleep in I had a lovely little lie in till twenty past seven I couldn't believe

me fucking luck what a life what a life when I was away at the fantastic UFC event on the weekend on the Sunday

I was asleep until ten o'clock on the dot I felt ill I woke up and it was ten o'clock and I thought honestly I didn't know

what the hell was going on my friends were already down at breakfast I got a text off you at half two in the morning and I was like bell end I wasn't pissed

it was just a nightmare getting out of the O2 people were getting out of cars and being sick in front of them it was like the end of the world it was absolutely horrendous we haven't spoke about this why were they doing that

well we were in like a van coming out of the O2 right and people thought that I totally interrupted this story sorry guys we were in like a van thing

like a Mercedes thing with tinted windows that I'd rented for the lads as a little treat, right? So we didn't have to sort of, you know, I mean, I wish we'd got the tube there and back because it was a fucking nightmare. It's always easier. All the people outside got it in their heads

that KSI was in our van. So they were all like shouting KSI and stuff. Now we were in the back tinted, four of us were in the back tinted, but my mate Michael was in the front, untinted. So he was was just apparently i couldn't hear him because it was a big screen up he was apparently just talking to these piss heads through the window go no ksi is not in the back of there and they didn't believe him and then people were getting out the cars in front and just being sick in the street like it took it took two and a half hours to go six miles yeah it's horrendous. Absolutely mad. Was KSI there? Oh, the celebs that were at the UFC.

KSI, Tom Holland. Tom Holland was there. Jared Leto. I'd love to meet Tom Holland. Jared Leto. What's his name off Snatch? What's he called? Jason Statham.

What? Damien Hirst, the artist. Nice. Her off the Queen's Gambit. Oh, wow. She was there. The main stage. The main one.

Ronnie O'Sullivan The snooker player Wow The list goes on It was mad There were so many people there You No

You sat next to Guz Khan No Yeah Not a celeb Me and Guz Khan Were sitting there Next to We were in with the fighters

We were in with the fighters The Noah athletes The Noah experts The Noah pundits So me and Guz are in there It was amazing but yeah like so many

what's his name was there big shout out to Mason Mount started talking to us in the toilets England footballer you didn't know who he was I thought

one of my mates I'm not a huge he did a mint sketchbook for children in need he played for bloody England this year yeah but the tiny on the telly man

it's just a bloke if he had his fucking kit on, he'd have a nan. But halfway through the conversation, I realised who he was, but my mate Jordan

was so excited to see him. I was like, eh, Jordan's mate's here? Because Jordan was like, hiya mate, yo. And I was like, eh, Jordan, one of your mates,

I hear, like, in my head. And then halfway through talking to Mason, I realised, because he did the start new sketch for Children in Need.

What a nice lad. Nice. What a nice lad. Yeah, we'll just talk about the fighting stuff. Who? It was Grealish, though. G a nice lad. Nice. What a nice lad. Yeah, we're just talking about the fighting stuff. Who? It was Grealish, though. Grealish wasn't there. Stormzy was there.

Arya Stark, Maisie Williams, she was there. What the heck, girls? And the guy who, Blondie in House, this is terrible. So in House of the Dragon, the daughter, who's supposed to be the queen and there's the whole thing the guy the king's guard who she has the kids with

the guy the lush guy with the dark hair he was there with Arya Stark he was there as well what mad it was mad

can I come next time just to see all the celebs don't think I can get any more tickets I'm sorry you bloody can take me next time

I can't anymore don't take the lads take me I've made some promises and Bridget's coming as well me and Nana will you actually take me next time do you want to go yeah don't take can Iads take me I've made some promises and Bridget's coming as well me and Nana will you actually take me next time

do you want to go yeah don't take can I come instead maybe you'll go yeah yeah yeah but you can't every time someone gets punched

you can't go oh it's disgusting I know I hate it like you can't though you've got to go right okay can I come genuinely yes of course you can

do you actually want to come I would like to meet all the celebs I didn't really meet the celebs well okay well look at them I just want to fucking look at them alright don't fucking watch on the telly you're looking at them on the telly no I want to come? I would like to meet all the celebs. I didn't really meet the celebs. Well, okay, well, look at them. I just want to fucking look at them. Right. Well, don't fucking watch on the telly.

You're looking at them on the telly. No, I want to look at them in the flesh. No, a proper fan has to come. You can't sit there in a celeb spot. If you miss a spinning back fist knockout because you're looking at some celeb, I'll be fuming. Right, well, I want to go to vomit out the car.

Well, that's, okay, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, okay, I'll put you down for one car vomit. Get charged 60 quid for that. I've no idea where this came from, but I need your help. Okay. I'm having vivid memories from when I was younger about going to the zoo. And on the way out, all of our bags were hit with sticks at the gift shop to check we hadn't taken a snake home.

Oh, God. Why? It happened multiple times, both on personal and school trips. That's crazy. I need to know, does this happen everywhere else, or do they just think those from the Midlands are robbing bastards with a desire to keep a snake in their house? Right. I haven't been to a zoo in years, and my partner thinks I'm absolutely bonkers and that I've

made it up. I swear I haven't, but we'll be years and my partner thinks I'm absolutely bonkers and that I've made it up. I swear I haven't but we'll be checking with my mum tomorrow. It's brilliant innit. It does sound like one of their made up memories where you go

did this happen or was it a dream? You have them all the time don't you? Maybe. Maybe they've had an instance where a few little you know

little tearaways have stole some snakes. Right. But how would you get the snakes? A couple of questions. So what kind of low-rent fucking zoo are you going to where you can just hold your hand in and get a snake? Harry Potter.

Unless you've Harry Potted it and you've made the glass disappear. Fair enough. Absolutely fair enough. I take it back. Why are they just hitting them with this? Do you not think it's a thing they did just to wind the kids up?

It's a school trip and it's kids. I think it's just a thing they just to wind the kids up? It's a school trip and it's kids. Right, okay. I don't think it's just a thing they do to make it a little bit of excitement on the way out for the kids.

All right, Bob, got any snakes in there? Can't even do it. Accent. That's not West Midlands. Oh, no, okay, sorry. Oh, I thought you were doing... Sorry, so bad,

I thought you were doing your Bristol accent. No, it was Brummie. Yeah, it might just... I mean, but what's going to happen? Well, I know they do the flute doesn't they

so like a snake trauma they're whacking them oh sorry you think they should you think they should be standing there with a flute instead stand there for five seconds

open your bag while I play this fucking flute love if a snake comes out you are in big trouble big trouble right you're free to go you're free

oh I had a fucking snake in here. Look at this. Why are they hitting her with a stick? I don't know. I think it was, I think it's just a, I think it's bullshit.

Great, great. I'd freak kids out though, wouldn't I? I'd do that if I were at the zoo. I think it's people stealing snakes all the time. You think it's just one guy or gal who's just talking upon themselves to be the joker

and do this at that zoo. I think you might be right, actually. I think I might be. I mean, we've got no way of knowing that I'm right. I'm probably wrong. I and do this and that too. I think you might be right, actually. I think I might be. I mean, I've got no way of knowing that I'm right. I'm probably wrong. I've been wrong about bananas already. I still, I was on the treadmill in between all this. And I thought about saying that bananas came here

in the 70s and I felt physically sick. I felt physically sick. It was pretty ridiculous. Because I always, you know what it is, it always backfires because I always correct you on stuff and call you daft and that. And then I'm like, bananas didn't get here until yesterday.

Fucking dickhead. yesterday fucking dickhead absolute dickhead like so much had happened by the 70s I don't cars I'm not very good

with dates planes automobiles I don't know what's going on electricity do you know what I might be thinking of the northeast

I don't think the northeast I think South Shields didn't get bananas until the 70s that's probably more on it well you've heard me ma'am I don't know whether this was just a

a bit of a not very not having much money thing but you've heard me mam talk about the the posh family on their estate posh yeah

apparently me mam so if you know Shields me mam grew up with a legged flat so there was just a tower block of flats I think they're still there I'm not sure

they're not a tower block they're wider than they are tall but yeah yeah but there's about three four levels isn't there yeah yeah yeah anyway expansive yeah me mam grew up there and she says there was a family they're not a tower block they're wider than they are tall but yeah yeah but there's about three four levels isn't there yeah yeah yeah anyway expansive yeah

my mum grew up there and she says there was a family who were like a little bit more well off than everyone else but why so every morning

she said they had a sack of apples yeah in the house and she'd go and meet her friend and her brother and sister would get an apple

every day my mum thought it was the most luxurious thing she said they always had an apple she explained it to me they got an apple every day. My mum thought it was the most luxurious thing. They always had an apple. They got an apple every day out of the sack of apples. They always had an apple, but one time I knocked on the door,

and they opened the door, and at the front door, there was just a big sack of apples. I'd never seen anything like it in my life. Then the dad came out with bananas, and I passed out. The dad came out with a banana, and I went,

what's that? Are you from the future? Are you from the future? Are you from the 70s? Hello, Chris and Rosie. I've noticed that a lot of the chats talk about men's spunk and how rank their comrades are, but no one mentions the ladies. Okay.

Being a squirter. okay being a squirter squirtle good afternoon oh my god being a squirter the second line of God. Being a squirter. The second line of the email. Being a squirter. Oh, my God, squirters. I've never had sexual intercourse with a squirter. And I'll be honest with you, I don't think I'd handle it well. No.

Oh, God. I do not think I'd handle it well. You wouldn't handle it well at all. I would be. Is it a real thing? Yeah. Yeah, it's a real thing. Because in porn, it's just piss, isn't it?

I don't think so. I think it is. I think it's. real thing because in porn it's just piss isn't it I don't think so I think it is I think it's no I'm sure they hold the piss in and that's not a thing is it it's a thing

I'm really sorry I don't mean to be ignorant because I am a woman and I understand is it that's real yeah

and I imagine they just get porn stars no I think it's piss it's not I think it is I think they hold it in and just piss I imagine they get get porn stars no I think it's piss it's not I think it is I think they hold it in and just piss I imagine they get

porn stars who can do that wow do you know what I mean you know there's women out there who can do it do you know what I mean we can do a squirting video

can you squirt no yeah drink that drink out the toilet I think it is it's not what's wrong with you

there is videos where people piss obviously that's the crack. Yeah. Because people who are into that, dirty, horrible sods. But when they reach climax... It is a thing.

It is a thing. It's real. It's awful. Oh, my gosh. I mean, what a mess. It's a lot, isn't it? What a mess. Well, it's just said here.

Squirtle. Squirtle. Squirty Sally. Squirtle. Being a squirter. Being a squirter. I have to make sure there's something down before the fun begins. And if me and the husband are downstairs, we use a blanket. The blanket immediately gets washed and put back on the sofa, folded up and on its back.

Brilliant. This blanket is used by all of us to keep warm if it's a bit nippy. In brackets, we have three kids. Three kids. The communal fucking sofa living room throw is regularly squirted on and then cleansed and put back. It's not about the germs. It's about the spirits.

The spirits that are in there. You know in horror films, you can tell there's bad vibes. Someone's been murdered in this house. You tell there's bad vibes, someone's been murdered in this house. You tell there's bad vibes on this throw, someone's squirted ala with this multiple times. So I've got a question then, right? So I just thought it was piss.

What consistency? It's not just piss. What consistency is it? Don't know, I've never seen it. It looks very watery, but I imagine it's a bit of air, a bit lubey and al. Do you know what I mean?

I imagine it's a bit oily. This is the worst conversation I've ever had. Well, real, not real. Like, usually it's a bit a bit oily this is the worst conversation I've ever had well real like not real like usually it's a bit kind of spunky innit woman spunky

but Chris I don't wow so you are 100% convinced it's not real even though someone is just saying

that just a squirt out here yeah but I get like I thought it was just a little bit but I've seen porn where it's like and the strumming

strumming but then it's like and they're strumming Strumming but then it's like Yeah, crazy. It's piss, man. I don't think it's I don't think it's piss. Right, we're going to have to Google this. No, no, don't Google that. Christ, we'll get completely in it. Shut off. Seriously? I've never Googled

porn in this house. Oh, really? Honestly, don't. Oh, really? What's the safe search on, is it? No, they'll do I've never done it so on your head be it I'm gonna look on your head be it there's actually question here it says well hold on what so she's talking about it is bad a cum rag or is it better because of the consistency she's gonna have to do a follow-up email about the consistency but it's but it's the cum rags i'm almost lost for words is it i can't believe i'm actually gonna weigh in and put a real okay real opinion on this like i'm a politician yeah but the cum rags seem to be used just for cum rags they don't seem to double up for your entire family to get under and watch

fucking shrek on a Sunday afternoon. Okay, but I've got something else to say here. Right. And this could be really sexist. Okay. Why don't I find this

as disgusting as man's cum? I don't know. Do you? If it was washed. So, a man's done it. If it's washed. It's washed man's done it. Mm-hmm.

If it's washed. It's washed. Gets very crusty, a man's. She's right. She's right, yeah. Would you want to get under it? She's right. Bit yogurty,

a man's spunk, and it gets very crusty. See what I mean? It might not come off unless you do a really hot wash. What colour is a woman's spunk? It looks translucent on the porn

that people have told us about. On the porn that people have told us about that I've never seen. I've heard. My cousin, who normally goes to another school told us about that I've never seen. I've heard, my cousin, you don't know him, he goes to another school.

He says that it's safe food. You don't know him, he goes to another school. You don't know him, I met him on holiday. You made him say it. I met him on holiday. Right, so what should I Google?

Is squirting in porn real? What a way to finish off the podcast? Is squirting in porn real? What a way to finish off the podcast. Is squirting in porn real? Oh, God. So far today, you have Googled torture devices and squirting. We're going to get raided by the police here. They're going to think there's some kind of fucking sex dungeon happening here. Modern studies estimate the phenomenon is experienced in some form by anywhere from 10 to 54% of women?

Oh, and they're squirties? You got four more. You got squirt four more. I've never... Aw. Aw. Nah, Rosie, no. Need chance.

Need chance. Honestly, I'd put my swimming gear on. I'd put my goggles on. Oh, so there you go. It's definitely real. I'm a squirter myself. Need chance. Honestly, I'd put my swimming gear on. I'd put my goggles on. Oh, so there you go. It's definitely real. I'm a squirter myself. Squirty. Although not in big volume like in porn.

Mine is more like a small water toy gun type of squirt, unlike porn, where it's more water hose-like. Jesus. Oh, no, it's very real. It only happened to me once. But my God, was it a surprise. I still don't know what specifically caused it that day. Well, is it not like that thing?

Like sometimes you can accidentally squirt saliva from under your tongue. You ever done that by accident? Sometimes you can accidentally squirt saliva from under your tongue. Yeah, I think it's just a little bit. Okay, well, there you go. Wow. So it's not just piss. Oh, hang on.

Here's the dirty little secret. This is on a forum, by the way, so it's probably not that piss. Oh, hang on. Oh, for fuck's sake. Here's the dirty little secret. This is on a forum, by the way, so it's probably not that true. It could be either. One, the fake. Before filming, a woman takes a catheter and fills a bag with saline. She then fills her bladder with saline.

Some women get ambitious and fill their bladder to the max so they flood the scene like a fire hose. This is how they get past the ominous yellow tint of urine. Grim. The real. The woman has a real squirting orgasm. The key to identifying the true squirting orgasm is that her anus will pucker as part of the overall muscle contractions her body is having.

Oh, some people watch far too much porn, don't they? Some people just watch porn all the time. Sitting watching it and going, hold on. Is that real? Is her arsehole popping up? Zooming on the arsehole. This is bloody fake. Yes, I feel robbed.

I feel robbed. Fake news. Fake news. I've lost me stiffy and everything. This is being used. There you go. Wow.

So. Well, that was absolutely filthy. Oh, but let's not make Susan feel bad. Who? Oh, who? Susan?

Who squirts all over the family through? No, let's make her feel bad thanks very much let's make her feel really bad no I don't I don't want her to feel bad I don't want to body shame anyone

who squirts I'm not no no no I'm not body shaming you're jealous go to me head a bit jealous I'm not shaming

I'm not shaming if I squirt I'm not shaming anyone full body I would never do that get a different blanket yeah get a different blanket yeah

we'll put it somewhere else she's got she's got waterproof sheets on her bed. Ugh. That's what she said. Ugh. Yeah. What? What are you saying that for?

What a way to live. I can. What a way to live. Waterproof sheets in the summer. You could stick to them and clank to them and that. I don't know. Oh, man.

It's an affliction. Sex is messy anyway, isn't it? Never mind bloody. Without bloody fucking wet and wild Babadoo babadoo babadoo Hi guys I'm a year 2 student Paramedic Now we see lots of odd stuff as you're away

But something happened when I was handing over a patient today A young lad In brackets 20ish Needed catheterisation As he had a problem His equally aged girlfriend Brought him in and was with him it's 20-ish needed catheterisation as he had a problem. His equally aged girlfriend brought him in and was with him.

Oh, so how old are you? 28, yes? And you, madam? Equally aged. Equally aged. Good. Been together long? Been together long been together long five years

yeah where did you meet school same year yeah same year oh so you're equally aged yeah okay just making sure yes we're equally aged

okay I didn't even pick up on that when I read it the first day equally aged girlfriend it sounds like it sounds like when you try and

write a letter and sound posher. Like, she's probably, this person, he or she, has probably written the same age.

And I went, oh no, it's Rosie and Chris. Like a job application. Equally aged. This is my brother. Oh, you look very similar.

Yeah, we're twins. Oh, so you're equally aged great how many minutes difference oh two minutes difference not equally aged

oh not so equal right okay so one of the similar age student nurses commenced the procedure pretty standard sorry similar age

no or equally aged what so they got the guys in the guy's 28 his girlfriend What? So the guy's 28 and his girlfriend's equally aged. The guy's 20-ish. 20-ish. And his girlfriend is equally aged.

But this person doing the procedure is now... Similar age. Oh, fucking hell. I've gone cross-eyed. So the boy, he's 20-ish. That's vague. She's equally aged and now someone else

is similar aged oh god if the next person in this story is roughly aged I'm gonna have to end this now fucking hell

I feel sick right there's no more talk of age right okay that's all that's it okay and you're missing the story

right so one of the similar age nurses. Similar age nurse. Or 20 years, right. To the 20 years and the age girlfriend. Commence the procedure. Pretty standard, popping a tube in his pee-pee. Oh, Christ.

Okay. Halfway through the insertion, insertation, what's it? Insertion? I imagine it. Insertion. Insertion, yeah. Yeah, is is that it why does it sound wrong okay halfway through the insertion we've digressed in podcasts before but this is the most fucking digression we've ever done in a podcast halfway through the insertion he ejaculated yeah everywhere he ejaculated everywhere the nurse shouted i didn't wank him off His girlfriend

His girlfriend of equal age got annoyed at the poor lad. I get fucking shit. Oh, Jesus. And the guy in the cubicle next door overheard all the commotion and said,

I need a catheter. Can she do me? This is a fucking carry on movie. Oh God. Oh God. Is it see you in Manchester again?

So they are going to Manchester. Very excited to see you. Wow. So some people do like stuff down the end of their tiddlers. Clearly so. He obviously didn't know. So he's

wow. He's not known that that's where his g spot is wow that's oh I mean getting stuff down the end of the tiddler

is my worst nightmare couldn't it did he have an erection or I don't know because I think if you can just you can just hit a g spot

and they're just really it's just immediate is it I think so I don't I mean I don't know I'm only going off

what I know American Pie 2 when Stifler gets fingers up his bum did he ejaculate straight away Stifler gets fingers up his bum. Did he ejaculate? Straight away? Stifler gets fingers up his bum, doesn't he? I can't remember.

Is it American Pie? Oh, it's not. It's Road Trip. It's Road Trip. Oh, no. Sean William Scott or whatever he's called, who plays Stifler, it's in Road Trip. Wow.

I mean, yeah. So there you go. But then it's a total involvement reaction. You bastard! Gary, you dirty swine! I'm sorry, she's just a similar age so felt right

imagine getting annoyed at that imagine getting annoyed that you you got something down although actually no I probably would get annoyed actually you would shout at me

you would shout at me you would shout at me a very good comedian I know a very good friend of mine Jimmy McGee I saw him last week if you ever see Jimmy McGee on a poster

for a gig anywhere near where you are go and see him he's fantastic he's not online even though he's a youngish man he's a fucking old man at heart

he really is but he had a line in a show once you'll not mind us saying it because this is off years ago I don't think I said this on the podcast but he had a line in a show where he said

he was on holiday at a wedding, and the wedding was abroad, and a guy next to him was being told off by his girlfriend, and his girlfriend was constantly telling him to stop sweating. Wow. Stop sweating. Stop sweating

Stop sweating Stop I don't care if we're in Spain Stop making a scene That is so bad Terrible isn't it Imagine Stop sweating

Fucking great line Such a good Joe It line such a good it was such a good edinburgh show that he did that yeah it was amazing oh stop sweating stop sweating

stop jizzing all of our nurses and stop sweating i don't care if they're equal or similar age thank you so much for listening to

this week's episode of shagged married noise which is part of the acash creator network and we'll be back next week it is thank you so so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married and Oised, which is part of the ACAS Creator Network, and we'll be back next week. It is. Thank you so, so much. We're back in years next week. Genuinely, we bloody love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Bye. Bye-bye.

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