Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 211. FAGDA

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

On the podcast this week Rosie and Chris discuss Chris' slide record, Reality TV and Rosie aversion to seeing people in the shade. They take a deep dive in to medieval torture devices and Rosie reveals Chris' bad sleeping habits. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shag Mountain Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey when I thought that I had no beasts left in the tank,

I actually racked up seven just last week. You're so excited to say that, you called me Chris Mamsey. Did I actually call you Chris Mamsey? With me, Rosie, I actually called you Chris Mamsey. Anyway, I'll go, why is it couldn't? You are the furthest from Chris Mamsey, and you'll understand when you hear some of me beefs. Wow, wow.

So I'm not Chris Mamsey? No. So I could never be your mother? No. That's a good job, because I'm a bloody beefs. Wow, wow. So I'm not Chris Mamsey? No. So I could never be your mother? No. Good job, because I'm a bloody good father. Father of two. Two and a half, actually, when you can see the way you got on,

leaving bowls and plates everywhere like a bloody teenage girl. Say hello to everyone. The beef has started. Hello! Hello, everyone. It's lovely to be back. Lovely to be in your ears.

Thank you so much for being here, sticking with us. If you've just joined, where the bloody hell have you been then? Where the bloody hell man where the bloody hell where the bloody hell have you been one two one one

episode two one one what's the two one one four one one one of them is one of them is a phrase how are you anyway all right actually is it what's the

what's the like four one one what's the lowdown is it American thing I think so we do speak very American now don't we isn't everything an American thing

it's getting worse now with kids and YouTube bloody kids and YouTube kids bloody bloody kids and bloody, bloody YouTube. We're having to have YouTube kids on in the living room now because Chris has banned the iPad. Yeah.

You fucking wanker. And I've apparently just got to go along with it. Yeah, I'm not having it. I'm not having it. I'm not having him sitting on an iPad. Do you know what it is? Yes, I know, but now we have to watch YouTube kids. We have to watch some man, some man it is? Yes, I know, but now we have to watch YouTube kids. We have to watch

some man, some man, by the way, not boy, some man playing Minecraft all day. I'm not bothered about the Minecraft.

And he says really icky things. I do enjoy the Minecraft. He does say very icky things. They are basically, the YouTubers who play Minecraft, they're basically children's presenters.

They're like freelance children's presenters who aren't on a channel. They're just on their own YouTube channel. They're not like, what's the word? Nobody's telling them to rein in, so they're just freelance children presenters who are on a channel they're not they're not like um what's the word so nobody's telling them to rein in so they're just screaming shouting whoa dude bro and then it's like why are this is why kids are mental because this is what they watch yeah and now i have to watch it and then rave wants to watch minions so i have to

watch 10 minutes of that and then 10 minutes of minions then we have to watch 10 minutes of youtube kids then 10 minutes of minions i just want we have to watch 10 minutes of YouTube Kids and then 10 minutes of Minions and I just want to leave for a pack of bags and leave. The only saving grace for Minions and all of Despicable Me is the soundtrack is fucking outstanding.

Outstanding. I just wish you'd love The Little Mermaid. No, it's rubbish. No one likes The Little Mermaid. It's crap. Pocahontas. No.

They hate all the Disneys. Yeah, they do. They hate most of the Disneys. Well, I think modern kids do because they're like, what is this piece of shit that you've put on the telly? The graphics are crap. hate all the disneys uh yeah they do they do well i think modern kids do because they're like what is this piece of shit that you've put on the telly the graphics are crap i put bambi on jesus that was made in like the 40s i was like this is gash before before we got bananas long before

oh well that's in joke from the past episodes if you're not up to date you know i don't know why i did it shouldn't be doing the in jokes no so um yeah i know what you mean that's in-joke from the past episode. If you're not up to date, you're not going to get that. Sorry, everyone. I don't know why I did it. Shouldn't be doing the in-jokes. No, so, yeah, I know what you mean. That's the thing. Well, we show them. We've said before, we show them, like, you know, the old Robin Hood, the classic Disney old Robin Hood. Brilliant.

Foxes and animals and that. Like, incest of all the animals. Foxes and hounds, do you mean? Was it? No, no, it was foxes and animals. Oh, sorry, yeah. All the big hard fuckers are like rhinos and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was amazing. But you stick it on now with the kids and they're like, what the hell's going on? Was the telly broke? Why is this fucking terrible? Yeah. I know. It's like Carl Hutchinson

has got, whenever we're on tour, he's got a knack of always showing us or making us watch something that is the worst quality ever. And that's like, we do that for our children.

Do you know what I mean? Because if Carl, when he was trying to get us into Always Sunny in Philadelphia, he downloaded an episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia and I don't know where he got it from.

He must have got it off someone who filmed it from a laptop on a fucking 90s camcorder on a tape then burned it to a DVD. It was the, and I was like,

I can't watch this. Yeah, but I couldn't watch that because I was like, it's so bad. That's why they're remaking everything, man. So that new kids can, can watch them again.

I get it. I do get it. It's like when we used to go up to my Nana's house and she only had a black and white telly upstairs and you put it on,

it would be like normal programmes, black and white, and you'd go, this is, what the fuck is this? And that was when I was a kid. Really? That's interesting.

I don't think I've ever watched a black and white telly. Have you not? Nah. No, it was early 90s. Check your privilege, Ramsey. God, Ramsey. Yeah. It was the early 90s

and my Nana's telly upstairs was black, it was only black and white, but and me nana's telly upstairs was black. It was only black and white but it still got like the four channels. Four channels. Four channels. Four channels.

Kids don't know they're born. Yeah. Bastards. Yeah. Anyway. Bastards? No, I agree. You got your sponsor.

Eh? I'm having a reminder of your job. I'm just so frightened for how you've just called every child in the country a bastard. No, they're just spoiled, man. They're just,

and it's not their fault. It's not their fault that they're spoiled. It's really not. It's really, like my mum has often said, and she doesn't say things much. She's like,

fuck, you're joking. She always says everything No, I know, but usually it's like derogatory or a bit bitchy. Oh, right, sorry. This is a rare compliment. Yeah, she said,

or an understanding moment. She said, I wouldn't like to be a parent these days. And I was like, why? She went, because it's just too much. It's too much to have to say no to. Yeah. When we were kids,

the only thing your mum had to say no to was like, you can't go to that party in that taxi. But now, it's just so much stuff. You can't get them drugs off that man. Well, your mum, your mum is kind of a parent still because she's sort of a grandparent

and she definitely gives Rafe our two year old an iPad as soon as iPad and dummy as soon as he goes but do some

fucking work Sandra oh stop it no come on I can give her an iPad and dummy because I've got stuff to do Sandra

come on listen Sandra actually looks after Rafe probably more than we do yeah she sees him more than me to be fair

and he bloody loves me now. Prefers her to me. He really does. So nice. What's he like? When my mum comes, he's like,

bye, bye, ciao, ciao, ciao, Bella. He's giving her kisses and he's like, bye, bye, bye. I'm like, I'll see you later, son. Anyway, beautiful people,

it is episode 211. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is, and you're going to like it, Rosie. Am I? Salad Cream.

I bloody love Salad Cream. Hey, we've never been sponsored by Salad Cream. Can you believe it? I can. I checked all my sponsors that that person did on the email that time. Thanks again. Salad Cream. Hey, do you like mayonnaise?

Then you'll love this. It's exactly the same consistency almost slightly runnier slightly different color a bit more tangy and no one knows what's in it salad cream it's cold white what is salad cream i don't know i was thinking about it you need to get the ingredients no no no no no no no no no one knows no one knows no one one knows. Listen to the slogan. Salad cream. Cold white mystery. Like yellow, really. Half the calories of mayonnaise.

That's why I've been using it. Yeah, yeah. Instead. Yeah. What's in it? Let me just Google. Oh, God, no. No, no, no.

Don't Google stuff. Just dead quick. It's a mystery. Leave mystery. Do a Babadoo bar. After the jingle, we'll tell everyone it's in salad cream. Okay, okay, okay. Stay tuned to find out this week on Shag Mary Annoyed. mystery leave mystery no do a babadoo bar and after the jingle we'll tell everyone since okay

okay okay yeah stay tuned to find out this week on shag meridianoid find out what's in salad cream oh look at that oh she's excited everyone get that jingle right no one is turning this off fucking come on we had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jingle!

Hello and welcome back to Salad... I mean, Shagbrown and Noise. Salad Queen, Married Remamzy. It's very, very underwhelming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not really even food. No, it's weird, isn't it? Is it just oil and vinegar and a bit of egg? It's water, spirit vinegar, rapeseed oil, sugar,

mustard powder even. Mustard power! The worst superhero ever. It just makes you sneeze. Modified corn flour pasteurised egg yolks and salt right

but I tell you what put them all together in a little pot sounds like a fucking science experiment that it really sounds bad it sounds bad yeah

let's keep eating it though bloody air fast eggs did you see fast eggs you know is that what you said fast eggs

pasteurised eggs the vibe that went went pasteurized oh jesus christ oh that would have been horrible in people's ears i did it off a mic i did it dead loud sorry do you know what this is what i don't understand so salad cream right you know i'm just looking at it because i googled it you got the original then you got 70 percent less fat right what they're taking out fat next question what they're taking out of there that's fat stuff probably probably the egg egg in the oil it's not the fucking water is it nothing's good for you anymore is it no no everything's bad

everything's bad be always sad everything's bad be always sad that's the new that's the new put that on my tombstone. Everything's bad. Be always sad. Be always sad. I just, everything's just, oh, innit? Like, oh, you haven't chips, are you? Oh, chips. All right, potatoes.

Basically the same. Oh, okay, I'll have some bread. Oh, bread. Oh, God. What? What? What should I fucking eat? Just tell us what to eat.

I don't want to eat that. I'm going to eat the chips. Sad times. Sad times. Anyway, how are you? I'm't want to eat that I'm going to eat the chips sad times sad times anyway how are you I'm alright good yeah I'm good

I've got a collar on my top today haven't I you look very fancy very smart for Sainsbury's I put a top on I went to Sainsbury's put a top on and

oh this guy in Sainsbury's he I did he stopped us in that aisle yeah and he said love the podcast nice I said thank you very much

and he turned around and he said he hasn't listened to this episode yet he's probably going to tune out no he might actually because he went he went the Home Alone reference he got the other day I got it

Rosie didn't get it but I got it I went thank you very much what was it it was just I think I knock out Home Alone and draw support references

sometimes I just hide them just out there and you don't even realise and he went yeah my wife's the same I went oh she just doesn't get most of my references but I love Home Alone so actually i mustn't have heard you what did

again what was it oh god come on i'm not gonna remember that he didn't remind us was it i can't remember is it automatic oh no no it was um i know exactly what it was actually right you were saying you were doing a story about someone who slept with loads of people and i said um uh bony bob cliff oh yeah and you didn't and you literally you didn't even bat an eye you kept reading the story and actually i just remember what that was but then what was quite cliff yeah what was quite cool was um he was in front of us in the queue and he was he had like basically a handful of coins he said he forgot his phone and he forgot his card and he had a handful of coins he was trying to pay and he went oh and i just heard him go oh well how much is that

and she went oh such and such you went i'll put that back then. And I went, oh, mate, I'll get that for you. It was just some bacon. And he's like, he's obviously just forgot his phone or whatever and his stuff. And I was like, yeah, I'll get it for you.

And he shot me like a five or something. And I was only buying a Snickers for the gardener. Yeah. I was getting the gardener a Snickers because he's pissing down my rain, right? So I went to the guy. I went, yeah, I'll just, I'll pay.

He went, no, don't be daft. And I went, no, don't be daft. And he went, no. And it was just two Geordie blokes going, no, don't be daft. Did you pay for it in the end? I paid for it. I paid for shopping. Hang on.

What? What was he wearing? What do you mean? Tell us what he was wearing. Black and white stripy jumper and a mask. No, no. Seriously, what was he wearing? Like a blue jacket.

Oh. What? I've been on Instagram today and there's genuinely. No. I'm not even joking. There's genuinely a guy in sainsbury's no pretending that he knows people and they're not having money and people are paying for his shopping he's literally had three bags full i believe you for a second they kicked him out man

i know the staff in there they kicked him out god but but what would really eat you so i don't like so like all like very well done but i don't like like um like carl iterson when when we come off when we do the tour and stuff he sells tickets for his shows and he's always like oh thanks again i'm like stop saying thanks it makes us really awkward when people say thank you so the guy was like oh you sure and i went yeah and i was like pushing him out the way so i could use the car machine i was like it's it's fine he was like you're sure you're sure and because he was a podcast fan i went i went mate i'll fight you i know jujitsu now remember right and he kind of laughed and i turned and the four people in the queue didn't know who we were oh what i was talking about so he's like laughing his head off and they're just like this

random fucking prick is basically getting this guy shopping and then tell him that he knows like a loser oh did they know who you were i don't know the woman the woman directly behind definitely didn't know and she was just like what the fuck so the thing is right your profile has got a lot bigger over the recent years right and i need to talk to you about this actually it's funny that you should say that because well it's one of my beefs but i'm just going to mention it now uh we went swimming last week with all the kids didn't we went swimming took so i went with my sister and her two boys and robin and rave and me and chris uh lovely very lovely little friday night activity awful that that's we're live now but that's what you're gonna do um so chris is that

what you meant where when we got out of the swimming baths at about six o'clock or whatever you turned it was new and six o'clock on a friday and that's all you said is that what you meant your life's gone to shit yeah yeah fair enough continue yeah so i mean it was nice you sometimes forget that people recognize your voice a lot and that they know who you are right and i mean other times you completely don't forget and you're very aware of it but this time you so there's a slide at the tavern point south shields where you, so there's a slide, it's Haven Point South Shields where we went, and there's a slide, right, where you can get a record, right? No, it's the blue slide. It's the blue slide.

Haven Point South Shields, big love. Over eights go on it. And I, you fly down it, and it has two, it has a timer, and it times you. Yeah. There's two, on the wall, there's two displays. There's the time of the person that just went on,

and then there's the time's the best time of the day is underneath that log for people to try and beat. Continue. So you got the best time of the day. Fucking right I did. 7.7. 7.7. But then what you proceeded to do

throughout the next 45 minutes was hang around, right? And talk very loudly and just checking that and everything i was in the jacuzzi bit with rave and he kept coming over going no one's beat us yet no one's beat us yet and i was like chris people know who you are here like you're not just a no but a nobody dad yeah just it was so fucking weird that you just kept hanging around waiting because to see if someone would be yeah well you know you checked it before we left as well. I've seen you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still there.

Fully clothed. Went back in the swimming pool to see if anyone had beat him. Like, not in the pool, just walk around without his shoes on to check the board. See, I was just coming back to get you and Graham

because I went to get ready. I didn't know you'd spotted me. Yeah, I saw you. No one had beaten it. It was there for about an hour. Easy. 7.7. Smashed it.

Text Carl Hutchinson as well because last time me, him and Robin went back in the day, Carl got 8.1 and I couldn't beat it. And now I've beat it. 7.7.

Just probably because I'm more of an athlete now. Probably me balance. Is it the lower the better, is it? Yeah, the quicker the better. Oh, of course, yeah. It's the speed.

I didn't think it was second. I thought it was like your weight or something or the force that you went down. It's just how fast you go. So I should have mentioned at the beginning, listen to Shagbide Nord with Rosie Ramsey and Chris Ramsey. Chris Ramsey also fastest slider in the Northeast.

Fact. So watch out. I want to know if anyone's beat that. I bet they have. That's the thing. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, Rosie, but everyone in that place had to know that, yes, that's Chris Ramsey, comedian, podcaster, presenter, author,

writer. Barely. Model. We did Stitch Fix. in that place had to know that yes that's chris ramsey comedian podcaster presenter author um writer barely uh model we did stitch fix advert model uh and faster slider in the northeast do you know what it is though i'm just sad that that you can take the kids on the slide because i am absolutely petrified so the slide right you're right if you've never been to haven point in south shields it's got a metal a lot of people won't have been it's got a metal uh stairway that goes up like a round open air open air metal round stairway that goes up like you know you might say this is a similar kind of thing i don't know if the back of a pub or something it's just a metal circular stairway

and it goes all you're pretty high to the slide uh rave wouldn't go on the slide with me he wanted to go on with you and I looked over and I honestly nearly passed out at how much I was laughing apologies to the guy some guys started talking to

us he swam up and he's like oh you're the guy with the record I was like yeah yeah no big deal I'm joking I'm joking

he was just talking about the podcast and stuff I'm joking in the pool oh god don't anyone ever talk to me in the

swim pool why because I'd die there'd be me tit hanging out in that oh hello oh hi In the pool? Yeah. Oh, God, don't anyone ever talk to me in the swimming pool. Why? Because I'd die. That was good, man. With my tits hanging out and like, you know, hello. One, one, one, don't have your tits hanging out in the swimming pool. They're always hanging out.

So he came up and he's like, are you the fastest guy in the North? I was like, yeah, yeah. And I looked over and you were climbing up the thing. And Rafe was walking in front of you in the little thing and you had sort of one hand on his back. Well, I had to hold it these shorts. Yeah, you had like one hand on his back pushing him asfe was walking in front of you and the little thing and you had sort of one hand on his back. Well, I had to hold it these shorts. Yeah, you had like one hand on his back pushing him as he was walking up and you were crawling up those steps.

Crawling. Like it was like a dog. You were literally like a dog. You were on all fours and you had one hand on him. You're looking up at me going, oh God. I went, mate, I'm sorry. I went, I'm sorry, but look at the fucking state of that, man. I was just scared to heights.

Look at the clip of that. The guy, there was like a lineup of 10 people behind us because I was taking so long. God, it's terrifying. So scary. And I was trying not to be scared for Rave, but honestly, it was absolutely horrendous. And then I had to keep putting,

because I had him by the back of his shorts, because I couldn't pick him up and walk properly. And I was like, had to put my hand on the stairs, but it was just loads of monkey-like feet. Oh, it's cold water, right? Feet juicing. The worst bit is when you walk up it and you get cold drips from above

and you're going directly from someone's feet. Yeah. So that was the last time I went on there. Wow. Yeah, it was... I had a lovely little night, me. It was nice. It was canny.

It was canny. And then I had a glass of wine when we got in, so we were all made up for each other. There we go. Yeah, yeah, you've got a problem. You've got a problem. Babadoo, babadoo, bab little night, me. It was nice. It was canny. It was canny. And then I had a glass of wine when we got in, so it all made up for each other. There we go. Yeah, yeah. You've got a problem. You've got a problem. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

So the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show series two is returning to your screens very soon. We've got some big, big announcements about that coming up soon. More details to follow. Not in this episode, just, you know, at some point. But we have given a big...

Are you joking me? Oh, sorry. What do you mean, what other? One, I'm trying to make this sound slick now. To be fair, though, people probably even nearly skipped that because they probably thought it was an ad, but it wasn't an ad. Yeah, you know it's not an ad.

I'm just wondering what big announcements we've got, but I'm sure I'll find out. You already know what they are. Do I? Rosie, come on. Oh, right, yes. Thank you. Guys, I can't...

Do this again. No, Guys, I can't. No, no, I can't. No, I'm not going to do it again. I can't stress enough how much that wasn't scripted and how real that was and how this is like a big part of your job and career.

And you know what? I zone out. I zone out in a lot of the meetings. Very unprofessional. But I know what you mean now. We'll tell you soon. We'll tell you soon. Oh, yeah, great.

Yeah, glad you're on the same page. Welcome to the club. But we've done a shout out for It Goes or or i go so if you are listening out there and you would like to come and be on our show if you have got it does someone what's the what's the line does someone you does someone you love own something you hate there we go so if you have a partner friend anything that's got something that they have a personal possession of theirs that really does your tits in and is you you know, I'll be honest with you, the mankier the better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had disgusting little pillows, we've had blankets that weren't really blankets anymore, looked like fish and tackle. We had a, yeah, that's what, sorry,

and we had like 30-year-old hair. The toenails, we had that, the little box of toenails. Oh, what about the guy who picked these earwax out with a nail clipper? The earwax that he kept,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic. A boy's own, boy's own memorabilia memorabilia collection came out and smashed that so the whole series is on iPlayer if you want to binge

the whole series one series two will be out soon more info to follow but if you want to be on the show the details are on our Instagram I think they're in our bio

the link is there link in our bio on Instagram if you want to come on the show it would be lovely to see you we would love to have you there we'd love to have you there we'd love to chat to you

and we'd love to smash up the shitty stuff of someone you love yes so there we'd love to have you there we'd love to chat to you and we'd love to smash up the shitty stuff of someone you love yes so there we go babadoo babadoo babadoo bah I've been watching

a lot of trash TV as I always do yeah horrible American trash TV horrible yeah and I've noticed something and I don't know whether people are going to relate

to this as much as I have I've been watching these programmes when they're all like on yachts and they're abroad and it's hot, right? Yeah. Whenever they're in the shade

for some reason, because we're British and when you're in the shade it's freezing. Yeah. I get really uncomfortable watching people on these programs when they're in like scantily clad and they're sitting in the shade. Right. I just feel automatically cold watching them.

Is that weird? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's really weird. I mean, I like being in the shade on holiday. I enjoy being in the shade. Right. I just feel automatically cold watching them. Is that weird? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's really weird. I mean, I like being in the shade on holiday. I enjoy being in the shade. No, I just... In England, I'm thinking... I'm not in England,

but these fuckers are on yachts on holidays, man, you moron. Yeah, I know, but I just watch them in the shade. And the other day, it was really overcast on something. They were on a yacht, but it was really overcast, but they all had bikinis on, so it must have been, like, hot. But I just couldn't help I just got that feeling

of cold you know when you're in England and it's like so you're watching it but then it gets overcast and you're freezing and you're gutted yeah

so I know what you mean so you're watching it and you're feeling cold because you think that they might be cold and it's actually affecting the way you enjoy the show I'm an empath

fuck's sake fuck it the day you googled empath was honestly the worst day of my life guys do you have any idea how many times she fucking

refers to herself as an empath or just crying at some shit on something and again I have to say when I slag off

all these shows these reality shows these housewives and that I know a lot of work goes into them I know they're very well made I know you know it's just not for me

I'm not the target audience. No, I am. So anyone who produces on me or has anything to do with these shows, don't take it personally. I'm not the fucking target audience. The production value actually on them is very good.

And it's very funny. The production team are funny. And they're very fucking successful. But I would rather gouge my fucking eyes out and watch it regularly. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but that's bullshit

because whenever it's on, you're literally like, what's happening here? No, no, no, no, no, no. You are? You actually are? Right, no, no. You do?

You do. And I'll tell you why. What did I get the other day? We go on the physio because I'm an athlete, right? And I have got, he told us to get an acupuncture mat.

Yes. So I've got this acupuncture mat and it's basically like a bed of nails thing. I want to lay you down on a bed of roses. Roses. Brilliant. brilliant but tonight i'll sleep on a bed of nails i knew there was that in it i knew it i knew that was there

so it's basically a mat it's like almost like a yoga mat but it's got what look like little golf shoe studs on and you lie on it and it hurts at first but then it sort of relaxes you it's really cool I'm lying on it at night trying to relax and what have you got on the telly while I'm lying in bed

with me mat trying to relax Real Housewives Ultimate Girl Trip Season 3 Women on a yacht in the shade apparently in the shade that's what it was glad they're wasting their money freezing fucking screaming at the top of their lungs at each other On a yacht, in the shade apparently. In the shade, that's what it was. Glad they're wasting their money. Freezing.

Fucking screaming at the top of their lungs at each other. Yeah. Like, just screaming. And I'm like, hum. You don't know you when you fucking don't. But you fucking don't. You keep your hands off me. You get your fucking tits out of my face.

Hum. And is it weird that I can watch that and then turn off and be like, night. Crazy, yeah. You watch it, it's so tense. The screaming and shouting. You fucking, your husband's a piece of shit. Night, night.

You know, I'm like, I feel like I've been in a fucking Wetherspoons and it's kicked off. It's horrible, man. It's awful. I's horrible man it's awful I love it it's awful Vanderpump Rules

at the minute has gone a bit crazy oh god no one gives a fuck yeah there's been a real life affair between two of the cast members

and it's only half way through right the series and the film the rest of the series after it's all broken I mean it's horrendous

because it's actually people's lives yeah but they signed up for it. Yeah, and they've kept doing it, to be fair. I mean, they could not do it, couldn't they? Yeah. And if I'd have been 23 years old and this was about,

I probably would have done it myself. So there you go. Okay. I'd have been the ugly friend. And everyone goes, oh God. Friend of. Oh, Rosie.

Oh God, I've been watching that new show. Have you seen it yeah one of the girls they've just blurred her face is it for security or something

no she's just she's just not doesn't fit doesn't fit with the show just blurred her face just don't upset anyone that's Rosie that is funny right

he's joking because I was absolutely you're beautiful banging when I was younger you're beautiful now you're gorgeous now and I love you

but yeah again I think I've mentioned before there's there's a photo of you and in your 20s kicking around in our house and it is here's what you could have run Chris Wow said it before here well this is why I see it now then I go imagine that if only you never had sex with her just sort of a little bit was still nice when when we met definitely on the downward spin, like... Yeah, I think I was. I'm joking, I'm joking.

My God, I'm joking. But that's the thing now, as a 36-year-old woman, watching these programmes of young lasses in their 20s, right? When you watch all of the younger kind of ones, not the Real Housewives ones, because they're all a bit older

and they've just all had surgery. Not all of them, most of them. Okay. Right? I love that we always keep giving disclaimers like anyone involved in them shows is listening to this i know i'm like if you're a producer i'm sorry no fucking way man but you know but the thing is i look like that when i was in my 20s and it's just age just aged that's all it is you go oh my god why are they so thin and oh my God, why do they look so good because they're 23

because they're 23 and that's what you look like when you're 23 and then you get older and carbs find you. Carbs find you. Carbs really find you. Carbs find you.

It's all good though. It's all good because life's better now, isn't it? Yeah. It's not. It's not. It's not.

You wouldn't want to be on a yacht in the shade arguing. You wouldn't fancy that. I mean, what's the alternative? What's the alternative? This. Good God. Is there a chef? There will be a chef.

I'm assuming there's a chef. I'm assuming no one eats what he cooks. I would rather be there. We might not be back after this Babadook Bar, you never know. Babadook, Babadook, Babadook Bar. We are back. We are back after that Bab kooks. I would rather be there. Really? We might not be back after this Babaduba, you never know. Babaduba, Babaduba, Babaduba. We are back. We are back after that Babaduba. That's fine. She hasn't gone, went on a yacht. Because if she was on a yacht, arguing in a bikini,

she wouldn't be able to do this. Oh, welcome back. Welcome back to Medieval Touch of Devices. Medieval? Medieval? Why have you put another syllable in? Medi-evil.

Medi-evil. It's how all the baddies talk. God. Do you remember when Robin was younger? We spoke about this before and I used to play the witch. Yeah, in the house. And I'd go, little boy, little boy,

where are you, little boy? I want to eat you. I used to say, can we play Witches and Monsters. Yeah. Now he doesn't remember it. He doesn't remember. Don't know why we're bothered.

Should have stuck him on a fucking iPad. I know. Don't know why we're bothered. We put so much effort into that. Yeah. Witches and Monsters.

God damn it. Ages we spent doing that. Remember? We'd be sweating. Yeah. No, I'm not doing it for Rave. Right. Okay.

So, this week, Spanish Donkey. Spanish Donkey. Okay. By the way, if donkey. Spanish donkey, okay. By the way, if you're just listening in, this is a brand new segment that probably hasn't got much legs, not unlike a Spanish donkey, where Rosie finds medieval torture devices

and talks about them each week. We decided last week to pair them. There's only 26 on this link. All right, here we go. I guarantee that's less than 10 weeks worth of patter. Come on then do you want to guess what it is

Spanish donkey it's horrific I imagine it's something is it that thing off Casino Royale where they cut the hole in the chair

and they smash your bollocks with a big bit of rope no but that's that's stuck in my memory quite a lot and I haven't even got bollocks yeah

are you sure yeah wow it's just the way you've pointed that I haven't got bollocks and don't ask because wow it's just the way it's just the way you find it that is i've got bollocks and don't ask because i haven't and don't ask to show you them because i haven't i don't know who's been saying i've got them but i haven't it was just like you almost protested too much no because no because men if you ever talk about balls they're like oh god and i don't really get that because i don't know what it feels like to be punching the bowls yeah and but that worse than childbirth i'll tell you right now and they've done

tests um they haven't they haven't done tests so they haven't they have so similar to the judas cradle which we haven't oh hang on spoiler alert we haven't talked about the judas cradle yet it's fine if it's similar okay so right okay okay so this no it's not so this... No, it's not. So this is Judas Cradle and Spanish Donkey. Judas Cradle. I know, this is awful, isn't it? That sounds like a heavy metal band. Please welcome to the stage, Judas Cradle. That's my fly. What?

What? No, no. No, this is a heavy metal version da da da da da don't be button the guy the lads in with bloody

the Judas Cradle listen right we all know that there's only three chords or four chords or whatever in pop music so shut up

right what's the Judas Cradle right okay so similar to the Judas Cradle the Spanish donkey is a triangular board that a person is forced to straddle, putting their full weight right on the crotch.

Oh, God. Weights are then added to their feet until it splits them up the middle. By triangular, do you mean it's a prism? It's a long... Like a massive Toblerone without gaps. Rosie has just described it perfectly in the most Rosie way possible.

It's a massive total run without the gaps or still in the packet. So you sit on that. That's one of the worst pictures I've ever seen in my life, by the way. I think it's mostly a lady putting the full weight right in the crotch. Weights are then added to their feet

until it splits them up the middle. Really makes you wonder what their medieval fascination with vagina torture was my legs are going a bit numb now my legs are going a bit numb yeah that's not very nice is it yeah no why did they do that i'm sort of rethinking this whole i don't think it's gonna last is it because that's quite what's the difference between that and the judas cradle though well i tell you we're not gonna sleep over unless we know the judas cradle um the first of many fixtures on our list of medieval torture devices

that shows the fascination of ancient tortures with people's nether regions. There's always a tiddler. There's always a tiddler. The Judas Cradle, also known as Judas's Chair, is a massive pyramid that would be... Oh, Jesus. That would be inserted into the anus or vagina of the victim.

That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do.

That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do.

That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do.

That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do.

That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do.

That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do.

That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That anus over the vagina of the victim, who would then be lowered onto it, stretching them out grotesquely. Why you don't deserve that? Due to stuff. Stole a loaf of bread. Due to stuff. Because I grew. Probably, I've been watching a lot of movies. Stole a loaf of bread.

Because I grew. Oh God, I'm losing my mind. We're not doing it anymore. No, no, there we go, so not even ten minutes worth of stuff. Right, so listen. You've had your fill. The children are getting scared.

There will be no more medieval torture device information coming from here. Really? Is that the end of it? It's done. I can't do that anymore. We'll manage two weeks of medieval torture devices. We're going to lose people. We can't, you know.

Look, look, listen, right? If you want to learn, listener, if you want to learn about medieval torture devices. We're going to lose people. We can't, you know. Look, look, look. Listen, right. If you want to learn, listener, if you want to learn about medieval, go to an educational podcast. This is just for the laughs, man. Yeah. Stop making me talk about putting pyramids up people's arses.

What's wrong with you? Leave that for the questions from the public. Nobody made one. It was very much all me. I think it's just because he wanted to do a voice. Anyway, that was harrowing. I'm going to have a lie down. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello. Oh. Hello. Hello. Hello, yes, yes. So a character

from the last segment has appeared in this. Character, why are you talking to these characters like we're not real people? Is this offensive, this accent? I'm not sure. Come on, keep going. That's all right, keep going. Why you talk of these characters like we not real people? Is this offensive, this accent?

I'm not sure. Come on, keep going. That's all right, keep going. My name is Bertha. Bertha? Hello. Hello. You rang?

No. You called me? No. You called my phone? No, I just said it's time for What's Your Beef? Oh, okay. Are you not medieval? I am from the medieval times, but I... So even then, you refer to them as the medieval times.

I am from the medieval times, but I live in modern day society. How come? I am the witch. Oh, the witch, the witch. The witch. The witch, okay, witch. I'm better. Oh, the witch. The witch. Better the witch. Okay, hello. I'm cousins with Barry. We met through friends

online. How can you met through friends online if you're cousins? With benefits. With benefits. I need to go i've left the judas's cradle unmanned and i have my ex-boyfriend of the anus jesus christ you get back in there you little monster. Fucking hell. Wow. Are you back now? Who was that?

Who was that? Who was that? Who was that? Are you enjoying yourself? Are you enjoying your... You're doing a bit on Instagram now. You're getting your

GCSE drama back on the go. You having a nice time? Do you know what it is, Chris? Rafe is sleeping through the night. So here we are. And I just feel like I'm a person again.

So I just fancy tickling the old testicles okay so she was a witch from the medieval times don't question no no

don't question the magic gotta be dissected witch from the medieval times Barry's cousin but she met him online friends reunited with benefits apparently so she had sex with him as well.

Cousins. Oh, God. It's fucking hell, honestly. Bloody lost or something. That's the storyline. Bloody Game of Thrones and lost. Listen, what do you mean? Rolled into one.

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The boxes, like a bear going at someone's picnic. No, right. Yeah. They've got stronger. Serial boxes have got stronger. Cereal boxes have got stronger. I just feel, what's happened? Something's happened. Once upon a time,

you could lift a little flap up, put your fingers through, and it would just open. They're using more glue. We're meant to be better, being better than the planet, but cereal boxes are clearly using more glue. It's awful the way you opened.

I will go... I do it the way that it should be done. It looks like someone's ran over it with their car. It's terrible. They never work anyway. Like I say, a it looks like someone's ran over it with their car it's terrible they never work anyway like I say a bear going to someone's picnic the little flick back

if you open it carefully you can close the lid back down you scrunch the bag down close the lid back down it's awful it goes everywhere it's always inside the bag

you've got no respect for cereal this is where we're at guys no respect this is the level of our relationship now no that's really good because I got me

Jaws cereal the other day from B&M I was over the moon and oh my god are we going to talk about this jaws cereal jaws they do wear back the future cereal as well it's got 8.4 grams of sugar in chris well you know sharks need a lot of energy wow i mean i did have a dry i had a handful of it it's quite nice gorgeous um and also i was doing myself this is just a little separate beef but it's cereal related i was pouring me cereal the other day and you put um as I was pouring it, you put your finger

in my cereal and you stirred it all around and I looked at you and you went, it's my cereal as well. I thought it was quite threatening. Quite threatening and unnecessary. So make of that what you will. I can't believe I forgot about that nah

I'll do it with the kids I wrote it down as soon as it happened full finger stirred me cereal with your finger looked at us and went it's my cereal as well

you didn't have any milk in yet still though still horrible I've seen how much you bite your fingers and fanny on me yourself during the day we were going to say

poke your fanny nah I wasn't I was not going to say poke your fanny but no thanks for flagging that up stop doing to say it in Pokéfanny. No. I wasn't, I was not going to say Pokéfanny, but no. Thanks for flagging that up.

Stop doing, stop doing that material. That wasn't nice. It was really, it was really invasive. It was funny. My beef with you.

Now, I don't know what this beef is, but you tried to make me leave the room so you could listen to something on your phone.

Well, it's just, I have mentioned this before. It was a long time ago. We glossed over it in the tour as well. Yeah. You need to as well. Yeah.

You need to stop drinking. Right. Mm-hmm. I beg your... Well, first of all, no. Mm-hmm. Next question. Okay.

Well, when you drink, this happens. Fuck me. That's me. That's me? That's you. Listen, keep listening. Fuck! How bad is that? Holy shit!

Horrendous. Is that really me? Well, every day I say it to you, you are snoring last night and you are like, bless you, you do say sorry. But I don't think you've got snoring last night and you were like oh and you do bless you you do say sorry but I don't think you've got it's so loud

it's getting worse that's mad loud but it's only when you've had a drink yeah when you haven't had a drink you don't make a sound but only when you've had beer

actually when you drink wine you don't do it it's only when you've had lager wow it's awful Chris and that wakes me up

and I'm not trying like it's just it's just as a person who needs sleep yeah to be woke by just someone fucking just breathing loud

to be fair that's really bad I know that's really really loud I thought it was just a bit do you know what I mean but that's I love you and that

and I know we have been sleeping a lot in separate beds because of the kids but now it's better I genuinely don't think we can share a bed anymore because it's like what why is that when it's better. I genuinely don't think we can share a bed anymore. Because it's like, what?

Is that why I'm on my back? I don't know. Why are we meant to just put up with that? Do you know if you went to a hotel though, right? If you went to a hotel and they were doing work

at two o'clock in the morning outside your room, you'd complain, wouldn't you? I've almost certainly experienced that, but yeah. At two o'clock in the morning probably but are we meant

to just live with each other sleeping in beds with each other like this with this sort of racket I'm really sorry I'm genuinely taken back by how loud that was is that what you were

checking while I was out the room and you were playing it before yeah yeah yeah Jesus but it's loud innit and you've got to bear in mind you're like

and we've got a super king sized bed so I'm I'm not right next to you then that's me on my side of the bed with the phone in my hand wow disgusting i'm really sorry i feel terrible no it's all right don't feel terrible it's not like i'll just keep doing it it's not all right then i'm trying to be nice i'm trying to be nice okay okay well look it's either all right or it's not is it all right? No, it's not all right. It's really pissed me off.

I'm not getting the operation to do it. When I finally book my vasectomy back in, I'll get the snoring one done as well. Oh, hurry up and get your vasectomy. Nah, I can't, man. Busy. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public, public. Public.

As always, guys, if you'd like to get in touch, shaggedmarydanoid at gmail.com. Send us also a recording of your partner snoring if they happen to be louder than that. Hi, Rosie and Chris. After about six months of dating, my boyfriend and I went to the cinema for the first time. I brought some chocolate and sweets to take with us,

including Aero Bubbles. Nice. Okay. Skittles and minstrels. Sorry, Aero Bubbles? What the fuck is that? It's aerobuches and balls. Is it real?

Yeah. What do you mean, is it real? It sounds like... Do you know when a teacher would send you to another class for a long wait or taught in paint or something? Right. It's cool. Aerobubbles. It sounds like bollocks.

See, that never happened to me, but I bet that happened to you all the time. I got sent for a long wait once no yeah I got sent to another classroom in science for a long wait that was good that's brilliant

I was in year I think I was in year 7 and it was year 11 class and it was like go and get a long wait and I asked for a long wait and I was standing there for what fucking ages

I bet they had a laugh and they all got it and I was like I don't know what they're laughing at I mean it might have been what got us into stand up because I was standing

at the front of the class and everyone was laughing and I was like oh this feels great I don't know what they're laughing at but I'm enjoying the fucking attention I mean, it might have been what got us into stand-up because I was standing at the front of the class and everyone was laughing and I was like, oh, this feels great. I do this when I'm in class. I'm not laughing, but I'm enjoying the fucking attention. That's it. Next time when someone pays, what got you into stand-up?

Yeah. I got said by a... Humiliation. Yeah. It's cool. No, so Aero Bubbles. I haven't had Aero for a long, long time. And I did like Aero.

Oh, God, I need some chocolate. Anyway. We met at his house for dinner beforehand and I sat on the sofa while he was in the kitchen then i heard the rustling of packets and commotion from the kitchen so went to see what was going on so just to set the scene here we've been told that they've been going on for six months but this is the first time they've gone to the cinema yes right so we're about to see some weird cinema behavior okay rustling of packets. Not massively. I mean, because it's this podcast, your first thought goes to she's going to walk in,

he's going to have his knob in the skittles. But it's not that. His knob in the skittles. It's not that. And we turned up at the cinema and he got a dead body out of his car boot. And he said, what, do your family not take a dead body to the cinema to keep the chair next to you, Andy?

Oh, no, we don't do that. Oh, I can't believe it. His mum couldn't believe that we didn't have a dead body in our boot to take to the cinema. Please, Chris and Rosie, tell us what you think about this. That's what I'm expecting. That's always what I'm expecting. A dead body to keep the seat empty.

This is so not that at all. It's dead funny to keep the seat open. This is so not that at all. You people have fucking ruined me. I'm straight away. I wouldn't even be like, phone the police. I'd be like, what a weirdo.

Next question. No, so he's in the kitchen making a bit of a commotion with the packets, right? He was emptying the sweets and chocolate into a selection of Tupperwares. That's it. It is weird, man. It is weird.

This is weirder than the body. It's weird, I think. Right, come on. What are you doing, I asked. And he looked at me completely deadpan and explained, so that there's no rustling in the cinema. I love that. I love that.

I love him. That's brilliant she said I imagine this would be an ick for many but I think it's cute and it makes total sense we've been together

seven years now and take a Tupperware of sweets to the cinema every time we go in brackets just one though with everything in I felt a few parts

made us look too keen so he took so he had like what was it aerobubbles aerobubbles skittles and minstrels all in separate Tupperwares.

They're going to rattle. That's what I mean. They're going to rattle. He's going to sound like he fucking, what's a double, what's that game, no not a double,

what's that game you play where the dice was in the, was it boggle? Where the dice was in the thing and you pressed it and it, it's going to sound like he's doing that.

Is it frustration? Oh, he's going to sound like he's in a fucking casino then. There we go. Oh God. So cute. Wow. No, fair. So cute. Wow.

No, fair enough, like. It's from Danielle, right? And it says, I'm 20, PS, I'm 25 years old and only recently discovered that they are called tub-aways. I thought they were tub-aways.

Tub-aways. As they are a variety of tubs. Tell me I'm not the only one who thought this. I think you're the only one here. Yeah, the only one here, but there's only three of us. But listen, Daniel, we aren't judging you because it makes sense what you're saying. I don't know why they're called tub-

Why are they called tub-aways? No idea, but don't worry about it. I mean, your bloody boyfriend's got a dead body in his boot. You've got more pressing issues. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Rosie and Chris. My boyfriend, 24, refuses and says he physically can't sway. Instead, he replaces the word with a long bleep.

What a cunt. What a cunt. I'm sorry, like, I'm not having that. It says he physically can't swear. Physically can't swear. Oh, God. What, what, oh, oh, God, what a fucking tosser. Oh, mate, I'll do all your swearing for you, you fucking stick-up-your-arse wanker that you are.

Right, stop. Shit for brains, goody two-shoes, fucking PG-rated piece of shit. I hate you. Oh, beep that. Yeah. Oh, what a dick bag alright I hate that though

I know and I bet he grimaces when people swear but he goes oh god oh naughty naughty words yeah no

no horrible what like in Liar Liar like his son's fucking made a wish I would wish for one day my dad couldn't swear the pen is a

fucking shut up man each to their own but yeah that's not how that's not how we live yeah no no one day my dad couldn't swear. The pen is a fucking gun. Shut up, man. Each to their own, but yeah, that's not how we live. Yeah, no, no. So bleep off, would you? Massive ick, yeah. So what? Alright, okay, so me and this fella, me and this fella,

he's come round at the garden, he's helping us put some patio paving down, right? He looks away at a squirrel, right? And I accidentally drop a patio paving slab and it lands on his toes at a squirrel right and i accidentally drop a patio paving slab and it lands on his toes yeah he's just gonna shout bleep is he is he bollocks he's gonna swear like a motherfucker yeah full of it i wonder why that happens why do us why is it like we swear don't know it's good for you yeah it's cathartic yeah yeah and like if you're in pain it's being scientifically proven if you're in pain and you shout fuck it actually helps the pain oh really yeah it actually does help yeah yeah i

mean i saw it on the internet so it's probably bollocks but it is i do it whenever the kids do it now i know i shouldn't and you always tell us off but i do i go shit if the kids fall over or something like you said shit in front of robin on sunday and i have to go stop it i thought i'd be the one swearing in front of him and it's you. Right, okay. Let's just, behind the curtain here, right? Obviously on this podcast, we swear a lot. We do not swear in front of our children.

They think that we're angels. We don't talk about crude things. It's very much a different vibe in our house day to day life, which I can imagine you all know that, right? There'll be so many of us there who didn't know that, but now you do. Wait, it is. It's like Disneyland

flipping Paris in our kitchen right it's lush Minions is on non-stop but every now and then me and you as well will let a

swear word out if we're having a chat with an adult or whatever blah blah or you drop something my parents never

said the bad words like the fucks and the buggers and all that but they definitely said the bloodies and the shits all the time I mean Nana told us once she was like,

you can say bugger, bloody, shit, all that, but you can't say the bad ones. She did. They were fine. Go on, Rosie. Rosie and your cousins gather round. It's your fifth birthday. Nana always tells the Bairns something on their fifth birthday.

Right, listen up. You can say bugger, bloody and shit, but not the bad ones. Go off now. Off into the world and bugger, bloody and shit your way through life.

And here I am today. Nana told us you can say bugger, bloody and shit. No, but you can't say the bad ones. Shit's a bad one. The F's and the 1's.

That's not, man. Robin is like so good. Like, will you watch, is it, again, it's Minions. It's the first Minions film. That's not, man. Robin is like so good. Like, will you watch, is it, again, it's Minions, it's the first Minions film. Oh God, I tried to explain

what a prequel was the other day. He just, do you know sometimes I explain stuff to you and you just don't listen. So he was in the back of the car. I mean, he's seven, so. Well, he was in the back of the car

and he said, some people think Minions came out before Despicable Me, Daddy, but it didn't. And I said, well, son, Despicable Me was the first one and then Despicable Me 2

was the sequel. No, Despicable Me 2's a sequel and then despicable me 3 is a sequel he's doing it i went minions robin minions is a one that came out after but it's set before listen no listen like genuinely where's that what's it the donkey get me on that judas judas chair um i went but son he's in the back of the car and we're driving along, and I went, but son, the Minions came out after Despicable Me, but it's set before, so that's not called a sequel.

That's called a prequel. It was a moment of silence, and he just went, can you put the music back on? You boring twat. Oh, God. But on Minions, the guy says, flip a neck, andin's like dad bad word and i'm like

yes son yeah he sometimes tries to wind me up by going oh my god it looks at us like and i'm like don't you dare thinking only in you only who knew where your little fucker your little hi chris and rosie i'm just listening to episode 207 where the girl wiped her nose with her actual Your little peep. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I'm just listening to episode 207 where the girl wiped her nose with her actual ass wipe and think I have an equally disgusting story. Oh, God, I forgot about that. Imagine kissing her later that night

and your nose is just on her nose with that arse on it. Oh, badge. Me and a few friends were on a night out on a Saturday when we were younger. The best kinds of nights out. You piss poor so you get slaughtered before you go out, then spend every remaining penny you have on £1 shots at happy hour. Get in. Yeah, remember Pucker Bar down the street? Oh, Pucker. £0.50 a shot in Pucker it was. Oh my gosh. Remember? A friend of mine walked in with £20 put on the table, asked for shots, take all the shots.

He was in an ambulance about half an hour later. Because it wasn't even, it wasn't like easy shots. It was vodka. It was your aftershocks and all your heavies. Yeah, it was like whiskey, rum, vodka, gin. It wasn't, was that aftershock? I don't know, but that was, I remember aftershock being a bad one. Or did it just taste bad? No, it was horrendous.

I remember having aftershock and being sick straight away. I just had a horrible memory of aftershock. Well, do you not remember taking it and then your mouth would just, saliva would just automatically come out your mouth. and being sick straight away. I just had a horrible memory of aftershock. Well, do you not remember taking it and then your mouth would just, saliva would just automatically come out your mouth. Oh, but it was so, like, fluorescent. Horrible. Your hands were sticky, the shot glass,

you could sometimes not even pick it up because it was stuck to the bar. The bottle was just like this. It looked like a big fucking, big smashed glass tile. It's awful. I hate shots. I hate shots. I've done it in my stand-up. The prick who comes across with the... I've got shots for everyone. Well hate shots. I hate shots.

I've done it in my stand up. The prick who comes across with the star. I've got shots for everyone. Well, you've ruined me night. Yeah. And now I'm an arsehole because I don't want them.

You have two, mate. You have all of them. Go home. I hate shots. Horrible. But anyway, I get it. I weirdly fondly remember the nights out

when I used to have shots but now I'm like, look, 3pm, let's go home and snore. Because you didn't have kids to look after. You didn't have kids to look after the next day. Yeah that's the whole thing. Like when you were young you didn't give a shit because you had no

responsibilities at all. Yeah. Didn't even do your own fucking washing. Like all I had to do was be, I would go out on a Friday get absolutely mortal on a Friday and all I had to do on a Saturday was get myself back. Recover from being mortal. Yeah so I'd go back out on the Saturday night. Oh, God, I did not appreciate them days enough.

Them were the days. Yeah, I didn't appreciate them enough at all. God, I should have. I know. All was good until me and a friend went for the first seal break, like the first wee of the night. Yeah, I know what the first seal break is. It's not my first rodeo here, love.

I got into the cubicle first. Cubicle? The cubicle? I got into the cubicle first. So as pay etiquette goes, got to go to the toilet first. The cubicle? I got into the cubicle first. So as pay etiquette goes, got to go to the toilet first. Didn't know that, but that's... Never shared a cubicle with another person, but okay. Oh gosh, wow. I've shared loads. Slag. However, my friend decided there was no way for her to wait a further seven seconds for her turn. So, did a humongous piss into her handbag.

In the human... You're there? You're already there? When I got off the toilet, she simply emptied the liquid out into the toilet and went about her night like nothing had happened. Oh, my God! She carried that piss-riddled sack around all night until she had to present soggy court tickets to the cloakroom, my own included.

Oh! Nobody ever left her in charge of everything ever again. Right, look, I understand. I don't know if I talked about this on the podcast the other week, but I was going to mention it. Right, so sometimes, if me and Robin are out and about somewhere

in the metro centre or shopping or something like that and we'll go to the toilet right if he goes to the toilet first if we're obviously I say I've never shared a cubic

with someone I share a cubic with someone liar liar you sit on a bed of lies I meant an adult on a night out I meant an adult

the lies that come out of your mouth god almighty that first lie was so loud sorry so if he goes on a night out. I meant an adult. The lies that come out of your mouth. God almighty. That first lie was so loud. Sorry. So, if he goes first,

if you need a wee and someone else is weeing, it's the worst. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not enough to piss into a handbag. No. Not enough to piss into a handbag is the important thing. What did you do with all that stuff?

Look, you're sitting there now very unprofessionally applying Vaseline to your lips. Other lip balms are available. Stop that. But what about all that stuff? Look, you're just, you're sitting there now, very unprofessionally, applying Vaseline to your lips. Other lip balms are available. Stop that. But what about all that stuff? I don't think she gives a shit. Have you never met people? Have you never met people in

life who sometimes just don't give a shit about stuff? Stay away from them. Don't get on with them. Stay away from people like that. Not my kind of people. There's some people who would go on a night out and just lose everything they own. Every time they go out. Yeah. There's just people like that in life and you know it's just what she's like don't gravitate we're opposites don't gravitate towards the same kind of people i'm hot i'm like in between halfway just wait should have been done in a few seconds you know oh

hi chris and rosie my friends and i cannot hang out with each other without covering our genitals. I can't speak today. Sorry? During episode 192, Chris mentioned that he would flick anyone in the dick who thinks Matt Hancock is a legend for going on I'm a Celeb. Yes.

And I stand by that. Rosie asked if that would hurt, and it sparked a memory that might just be weird enough for the podcast. This is a tale of dick flicking that has gotten extremely out of hand wow i feel like you're gonna enjoy this okay a lot as well as our male listeners during my younger days my close friendship circle had a long-standing game that we used to play where we would flick one another in the dick think of it sort of like

a surprise sniper attack when you would catch your target unawares or opposed to standing in a circle Excellent. It was funny to begin with, but it soon gained momentum. It got out of hand and has developed into what is now referred to as Fagda. Fagda? Flick a guy in the dick association. Fagda? Flick a guy in the dick association. It started with my friend Steve.

Fucking UN. It's ridiculous. Fucking G8. Are you ready? Are you ready? Sorry, yeah. It's just like, I just imagine them. Fagged up.

Just, open up, it's fagged up. It started with my friend Steve. He's registered as blind, and so was naturally an easy target for the group, as he would mostly never see the flick coming. Oh my God. In the beginning, an offhand flick for a laugh was all it was. But when you see someone flicked in the dick, you sort of regret that you hadn't thought

to do it yourself naturally one by one as the night wore on we had all taken our shot and each time was funnier than the last but then the flicking spread

firstly I feel a bit sorry for Steve sorry so they're all just flicking a blind guy in the dick no so it started off because Steve

is registered as blind he's an easy target right and then I think what happened was they were like, right, let's do it everybody else as well. Awful. Horrendous.

I hope he's not your friend anymore. Yeah, I hope he's not your friend anymore, but I'm glad to spread it around. I've got a feeling he is because he's literally like me mate Steve. So I think he is. If you want to stay in Fagda, you've got to be flicked on the dick.

This is the thing. So far though, Fagda are very inclusive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As time went on on the group were flicking blind short-sighted and 2020 vision targets equally and with ever increasing frequency thank you so much you've made me feel better that you're not just flicking your blind mate steve in the day oh god repeatedly oh jesus so listen it's, it is very inclusive. It's across the board.

It's everyone, right? We soon discovered we were playing for points. A successful flick equaling one point, but it wasn't long before we had agreed that if you could power flick a bro hard enough to make them slap their knees together in recoiled pain or surprise, that was considered a three-pointer. It was at this stage that the game became more than just friendly and stupid banter it was now ufc with thumbs and index fingers wow

eventually dick flicking wasn't just a private in joke when we were watching football at someone's house anymore now it was in public not just when we were fishing at the pub or in the street but at formal functions like weddings and even a funeral. And for some reason, somehow, outsiders always seemed to be getting involved too. It became apparent that we needed to establish boundaries, and this came in the form of a rule book, where we had to agree that certain events, times and circumstances called for a ceasefire, which is disobeyed... LAUGHTER

..which if, sorry, which if disobeyed by a flicker, would incur a penalty, pronounced penalty. Penalty, fantastic. Whereby the flickie would be issued a free flick. Oh my gosh. So if you flick during a ceasefire,

someone gets a flick, the person you flick gets a free flick. Yeah. Can we get Judd Apatow on the phone? Because this is a Hollywood bro movie getting ready. Andy from, what's that one where they meet

each other up and they tag what was that one where the guys meet up years later not motherfucker no

they met each other up and they did like a game of tag and it got like it was literally called tag or something Andy from The Office get him in it

Owen Wilson he'd be all over this Adam Sandler Adam Sandler's doing all the serious stuff now innit maybe Ben Stiller could cameo in this

maybe Will Ferrell could be like an old guy who used to do the dick flick and now he's like you know half dead from it this is a Hollywood brew movie all over

Fagda Fagda the rule book is a genuine document that runs at about four pages because this blight of a game

has consumed our lives even to this day we are grown mature family men that live all across the country now and so the game does not affect

our everyday lives. However, when meeting up every year we still cannot stand within three feet of each other without agreeing a ceasefire

if anyone gets too close as we flinch, cower or cover our genitals. You've got children. It's ridiculous. So to answer your question, yes,

getting flicked in the dick does hurt, especially if it's by a veteran member of fag please keep me anonymous oh that's one of the best stories i've ever heard in my life good wasn't it is are we being trolled is this not already a hollywood film i feel like this might be a hollywood film should i google fagged it like your own on your head be it like i can't i'm Trolled? Is this not already a Hollywood film? I feel like this might be a Hollywood film. Should I Google Fagda? On your head be it. I'm exhausted after that. That was amazing.

Gujarati? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Where is that? Stop it. Stop it. So no, it's not a film. But hey, listen, it might be a film. I'm telling you, let's get the rights to that. We'll sell that to Hollywood.

That's going to be worth it, fortunately. Do you know Deal on Odeals back? Just after we said it the other week. Are you taking theillon O'Deal's back? Just after we said it the other week. Are you taking the piss? What? It's back? Yeah.

No. Yeah. Who's hosting it? Stephen Mulhern. Is that his name? Stephen Mulhern. Who's Stephen Mulhern? James Mulhern

is the UFC fighter from South Shields. Oh God. So has he got a brother? I don't know. Mark Wandaft? Stephen Mulhern. Stephen Mulhern.

And Dillon O'Deal's back? Yeah. Wow. Weren't we just talking about it the other day? God, they love a bit of this. I mean, I think. No, no, no, no. No, they've copied.

They've copied. So in a week, they've booked the studio, they've made all the boxes, and they've filmed it all. Just because we mentioned it. Wow. But yeah, that's back, so that's cool. Oh, I love D'Lano D'Ile. Excellent.

Look forward to that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Rosie and Chris. I was listening to your episode where the lady sneezed cake out and then whacked it back in her mouth. And I can't remember that. I can't remember that, but this morning...

Sounds like us. Well, this morning, Rafe was eating his Rice Krispie Shapes and he was pointing at his nose and you were going, have you put some up your nose? And he was just standing there and we left it for a bit

and then I changed his nap and he was lying down and there was a Rice Krispie Shape How did he put one up his nose? He put one up his nose. I knew it! Did I not tell you? No! No, he you put some up your nose? And he was just standing there. And we left it for a bit. And then I changed his nap and he was lying down. And there was a rice crisp. Had he put one up his nose? He put one up his nose. I knew it. Did I not tell you? No.

No, he had put one up his nose. So I covered one nostril and I went blow. And he went, and it came out and it landed on my hand. Holy shit. But yeah, he put some up his nose. Oh, we're there, are we? Is that where we are now? Yeah.

Great. That's it. Great. Yeah. Oh, for fuck's sake. Right, okay. Which reminded me of something that happened to me around the turn of the century. Sorry, who the fuck talks like that?

I don't know. And when was the turn of the century? The year 2000? It was the turn of the century, yeah, the millennium. It must have just been a while ago. Who talks like that? People talk. This reminds me of that party we had at the turn of the century.

Do you mean you had New Year's Eve 2000 party? I do mean me. Chris, people do talk like this. I've had many conversations with people who talk like this. The turn of the century. Do you mean you had New Year's Eve 2005? I do mean me. Chris, people do talk like this. I've had many conversations with people who talk like this. The turn of the century. Really? Yeah. In real words, the turn of the century.

Yeah. Oh, God, I don't even want to know. We don't talk to them for very long. Yeah. Turn of the century. Anyway, it's a good story. Listen, stop it. I had been to the dentist and he had pulled, well, ripped out one of my wisdom teeth.

Bit of a butcher's job, but hey. Wow. Anyway, my mouth wouldn't job, but hey. Wow. Anyway, my mouth wouldn't stop filling with blood. Ouch. He sent me on my toothless way and I was walking down the road and there were a group of people walking towards me. I was getting ready to do the half smile, half nod because I couldn't give any verbal greetings

as I had a mouth full of metally tasting blood. Good grief. As I got a few metres in front of me, suddenly I was aware that I was going to sneeze. There was nothing I could do about it. So I turned away and let off an enormous sneeze. It happened so quick that my hand was on its way up to my face, but it didn't get there in time,

and I sprayed an entire mouthful of fresh blood all over the white rendered wall i had unfortunately turned towards needless to say i thought he was gonna say the people and i was like i think this might be bollocks but the fact that he's just morning needless to say they let out various shrieks and ran away. Although I could now talk, but I don't think they appreciated my hello greeting as they all scattered in different directions. I have a feeling you might appreciate

what a disgusting human being I am. Thank you so much. That's absolutely beautiful. That is beautiful. Guys, any time anything like that happens to you, there's one get out that I've learned human being i am thank you so much absolutely beautiful that is beautiful guys anytime anything like that happens to you there's one get out that i've learned from all of the stuff that robin watches on youtube all the pranks and stuff right it literally has people scream just go oh point into the distance and go there's a camera it's a prank it's a prank there's a camera and

they'll go all right and they'll walk off and you go oh fucking hell i'm a mess yeah when you shit yourself in the street yeah do you know what's so funny the other week I said I've never shit myself before and then I remembered that I have and you did a full stand up set about it

yeah yeah yeah you've shit yourself a few times no I'm not listen come on okay come on

you've shit yourself that one time that I did in my DVD she's done it loads she's done it loads loads of times stop it I do not I have not and I never will DVD. She's done it loads. She's done it loads. Loads of times. Stop it.

I do not. I have not. And I never will. I've got so many memories of you running to the toilet with your hand over your bum. It's kids, man. It's kids. I'm fucked down there.

And before you were pregnant as well. The day we found out you were pregnant we were walking on the beach on holiday. Early morning. That was just sheer. And you had to run on the beach on holiday early morning that was just sheer a run across the beach

to go on because you'd nearly shot yourself I did nearly shit myself it was just diarrhea yeah well don't blame the kids

it happened before they were even here so take that back apologise fair enough I haven't shit myself for years she's a veteran member

of the girl shit herself fucking association babadoo babadoo babadoo you're for listening to share She's a veteran member of the Girl Chippin' Herself fucking association. You're for listening to Shagman at night. No, no. I don't think this character's got legs. I think she's got a broomstick.

I don't think she's got legs either. Listen, they're not all going to be bangers. They're not all going to be bangers. No, I'm trying, I'm trying. You just keep throwing enough shit at some sticks. Some sticks. So what are you going to say? Thank you for listening say thank you for listening

thank you for listening to this piece of which is part of the Icast creator ledway absolutely so as we said

go on our LinkedIn bios on our Instagram pages if you want to get involved in the TV show series 2 for it goes or I go

the live show is happening in the autumn November December tickets still on sale not many left a lot of the venues are

selling out some extra shows have been added and we will see you back in your ears next week. Bye, everyone. Bye. Love you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition

of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City

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