Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 212. Five Fold Sunnies

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

On the podcast this week Rosie and Chris discuss Chris' new ick worthy sunglasses, sex toys and Rosie's battle with Catholicism. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, dot ca Bloody bank holiday and there's me grafting away. Eh? I hope I'm getting double time for this. We're doing this on Wednesday.

It's a bloody love Easter. No, man. We're doing it on Friday. Oh, sorry. It's live. We did it this morning at seven o'clock in the morning. Even when Jesus isn't working,

I'm working. So, you know, don't take that to mean that I'm better than Jesus, but, you know, the writing's on the wall of the cave. My dad was telling me

the other day that apparently Jesus had a brother. Right. And a fully bloated wife and everything. Well, there was a... I mean, we are. We are diving straight into Jesus' pattern on Good Friday.

Yeah. There was the Mary Magdalene thing, wasn't there? So she was... Wasn't she his lass? She was his lass. Wasn't she not the prostitute? Yeah, but people have got to marry someone. So that was his lass. I didn't... All right, okay, I didn't realise that was his lass no wasn't she not the prostitute yeah but people have got people have got they've got to marry someone

so that was his lass I didn't alright okay I didn't realise that was his lass I didn't know judgement I'm sure it was his lass

but she knocked around with him maybe he was just you know Chris do you know what's really embarrassing what I went to a Catholic school

all through my entire childhood I can't tell you any of the stuff that happened if I'm and we learn about it a lot you know when they're like you don't do much stuff about you do there's loads i can't remember any of it in what

scenario were you and your dad just having a chat and he randomly happened to tell you that jesus had a brother and a wife because i was debating about my catholicism and my dad's not even catholic right but he said he there's somebody who i think it's oh gosh i don't i really don't want to get this wrong and i'm going to get it wrong we've already got loads wrong so far if you're listening to this expecting religious facts

no you're a maniac you're on the wrong podcast well my dad's one of them annoying my dad's like really intelligent even though he's kind of we've talked about him before

he's pub quiz champion yeah but it's like a job he wins so often at the pub quiz it's almost an income he loves

he just he will talk you to death with facts, right? And he was just chatting about this thing that he'd read or listened to and it was this bloke and he was saying that Catholicism, there's more sort of like evidence of it than a lot of other... You know when you're like, oh, dad, man, I'm already battling with it. It's really hard being married to an atheist. Right.

You are an atheist. I'm not an atheist. Hey, if we, listen. What? If I die and there's pearly gates,

I'll be the first one on my knees apologising. Don't you, don't you get that twisted? Are you crazy? Everything I said about science, I take it back.

You think I'm standing outside the pearly gates and I'm going to explain chimps then? No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean, I take it back. You think I'm standing outside the pearly gates and want to explain chimps then? No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I was joking.

Was I? Jesus. Was I? Was I not a comedian? Was I not? I got you though, didn't I? Did you see? I fucking got you.

Where's your dad? Get him as well. Got you, got you, got you. Right. Where's my cloud? Made of marshmallows. What number cloud am I? What do I dial for room service? Oh, don't.

I'm really struggling with it. Straight away. Really struggling. Right, just the whole thing about seeing all your family again. Not okay with that. All the dead family. Keep them somewhere. Can I go to a different bit? Can I go a different bit? Maybe with new, cool people. all the dead family keep them somewhere can I go to a different bit

can I go a different bit maybe with new cool people not the dead family like the adult area don't want to see them they'd have a special place for atheists

yeah and it would just play this music on loop going told you so told you so told you so told you so oh well

we've all got that to look forward to so guys you'll not believe it it's episode 212 it is 212 the motherfucking 212 um yes thank you so much for coming thank you so much for being here thank you so much for believing in us um as we believe in you on this good friday i don't know what i believe in anymore chris i told you you, man. I'll be the first one to first one to knock all that on the head. Eh?

Pissing on Darwin's grave to let me into the purdigate. Listen, it's episode 212. I don't think you're taking it seriously. You know how much I'm struggling with it. Oh, I think it's because I don't care. Oh, great.

Yeah, I think it's because I don't care. What are you struggling with? Basically, Rafe isn't christened. Robin's christened. Rafe isn't. And I'm struggling with me Catholicism. But I don't want one to be done and notistened. Robin's christened. Rafe isn't. And I'm struggling with me Catholicism

but I don't want one to be done and not the other. That's called hedging your bets. We've done a very clever thing there. That's called hedging your bets. No, but then you know they're going to get older and if,

so Rafe's going to be like, why wasn't I christened? Right. Okay. And I'm going to say, do you want to be christened? Oh no, I'll tell him exactly why

and you can record this and we'll keep this. Robin was christened. Rafe, I'll tell you why you weren't christened. Because it was COVID. And priests were christening people with fucking super soakers. It was mental, mate.

It was absolutely mental. No chance were you getting christened. And then if he turns around and he wants to be religious, he can get baptised or whatever. Well, yeah, yeah. I know, but I just... What?

What? I've just fixed it. What if anything happens? What do you mean it what if anything happens what do you mean what if anything happens you're not you weren't brought up a Catholic you don't understand

what it's like what if something happens to Rafe yeah right if there is an omnipotent all powerful God and something happens

to Rafe before he is christened when he's not young enough to choose then they'll let him in anyway you don't know that oh they're gonna go Rafe now all he can fucking say is christened, when he's not young enough to choose, then they'll let him in anyway.

You don't know that. Oh, they're going to go, Rafe, now, all you can fucking say is Minions. Excuse me, we can't just check the list here. You're not christened, Minions. Oh, I'm afraid. Hell you go. There you go.

Don't worry, Minions is on loop. Minions is on loop in there as well. You can say crisps. Don't be so ridiculous. Chrisris you don't understand the the it's it's really really odd anyway listen i'll christen them i'll great i'll do it don't you worry about it all right it's fine listen right from religion and science yeah to even more science okay are you ready for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor i am this will cheer you up oh great total total total you turning it in a different direction. Ready for this? Mm-hmm.

This week's sponsor is, it's another invention, Chris Ramsey's Erection Protection. Ooh. Yeah. Exotic. Hey, are you, see what it's about. Right. I think it's about protecting the erection.

In what way? From, like, swords and that. Swords. You've been going too religious. You've gone all medieval, haven't you? There's knights and stuff. I'm medieval.

Chris Ramsey's erection protection. Hey, hey, are you laying in bed all wrong because of your schlong? Oh, jeez. Eh?

Eh? Are you more than sick of your dick? Someone's had a bit of time in the office, hasn't he? Eh? Just hovered here. Not sleeping good because of your wood yeah yeah uh not getting a great slumber because of your

lumber american word for wood uh is your morning is your morning glory in fear of becoming gory because you might roll over on it and like burst out a snap or something yeah is your nap crap because of your chap wow yeah and is your sleep a bit dodd dodger dodd dodge dodger because of your dodger that got really really really lazy towards the end might not be in a full half day then you need chris ramsey's patented erection protection to solve all of these problems. A very simple structure. It goes around the penis and groin area. And you just roll up on it like a little speed bump rather than having to bend your knob in one direction

and try to get back to sleep with morning glory. $50. Why is everything in dollars? You wouldn't buy it if it was from america no one in england will buy it all right you get shipping fees all right right what i don't have a penis is it painful first of all you're selling yourself short you've got a lovely penis um don't don't be modest don't be modest on this podcast you've got a massive penis now uh genuinely fellas all the fellas out there listening,

it's not fun if you wake up and you've got more than wood and then you're trying to get back to sleep. So oftentimes, you know, you'll get up with Rafe, but I'll kind of wake up slightly and then you'll go downstairs. You never wake up. I do wake up. I just pretend I'm not awake until you've left the room. Great.

And then I roll over. But sometimes it's hard to get comfortable because you've got all kinds going on. Sorry. Boxer shorts or something. What? A little hard-on keeping you up with this, eh? Average-sized hard-on keeping me awake, yes.

Slightly more than average. A bit of a groan on a shore, I would say. Yeah. Tiny when it's tight. Oh, hey. Can I say it? I've never seen a big one when it's soft yet. Well, now they're called Shores.

And I'm surprised you haven't seen them because fellas have got them or whipping them out left, right and centre. Well, hence why I've probably not seen them. Helicopter and that. Because you're religious. Yeah. Yeah.

Avert! My gaze! Awful. I watched a really good TikTok video about... It was this lass and she had like a tape measure and you know how people go on about the size of penises and stuff and like oh my god what size is it like she showed she was like this is she was like this is eight inches yeah so this this is eight inches and then she was saying about the size of like a vagina and all that kind of stuff or a bum hole wherever you like

it and um she was just saying like she was like this is not healthy it's not and then she was like turning and she was like no no no I think I saw a clip of that it was very interesting

I thought yeah absolutely not get away interesting or mucky you be the judge you be the judge shall we play a bloody good Friday jingle

or let's it's exactly the same as all the other jingles by the way here you go we had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle.

Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle. Jingle.

Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Now, other than struggling with your Catholicism, how are you? I'm alright, you know. I'm good. I'm feeling good. Feeling good. Feeling Easter-y. Feeling fresh. Please define Easter-y. Just wanting some chocolate. I've already ate two of the kids' Easter eggs. Yeah, that has happened. Little ones.

You showed them the Easter eggs that you bought them and then they went to bed and two of them were eaten. Yeah, I will have to replace them. One of them was regretfully from Robin's teacher. Excellent. From school, so I'm going to have to replace that and also forge her writing. Brilliant.

Brilliant. That's terrible I know I know my mum and dad are coming around tomorrow to drop off the easter eggs yeah and the cat's got one

for them both right so they've got a good little collection they'll forget yeah I might not even bother getting them nah

I think it's too many isn't it it's a lot there's loads like seriously our kids aren't the kind of kids that will leave them

we've talked about this loads yeah they'll not save them. They will never save them. They'll eat them till they die. They'll want them within like three days of getting them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or we can make cakes with them.

I've told you in the past, I used to have to give mine away. Ah, God! That is just... I guess you're so angry every time. Honestly, I know hate's a really strong word. I hate people who don't eat all their Easter eggs. I hate them. Hate it.. I hate people who don't eat all their Easter eggs. I hate them. Hate it.

Hate going to people's houses. And it'll be November, and you're sat there, and you go, oh, you got anything sweet? And they'll go, have a look. And they'll bring out three Easter eggs. They'll go, these are from Easter, but I think they'll be fine. You go, what's wrong with your kids? How weird.

We discovered the other day that Robin's exactly the same as you were, because people were around the other night night and they ate some of your sweets and he went to bed fucking screaming and getting dragged up the stairs. They're my fucking sweets! I can't fight yous all! It's basically the Halloween tub. Yeah.

The Halloween tub that we just, whenever we get sweets or anything, we just kind of put them in there, like party bags and all that. All the sweets go in there. I'm not a big fan of sweets. And I don't think you are.

Like lollies and jellies and stuff. I'm not that bothered. I have much more chocolate and all that kind of stuff. And me mum and Kate and Steph were around the other night. We'd had a drink. We'd had risotto with scallops. Didn't we? They were lovely.

And you were out. And Robin... Big bit of Russian roulette with your guts there. Homemade scallops. Oh, they were bloody lovely. Ah, you had a couple then I got scared. Big up Latimer's. Yeah. Latimer's at Whitburn. Gorgeous.

But it's not them. It's your level of cooking them that I was worried about. But carry on. Great. So, me mum and obviously they were all just like, you got anything sweet? And I was like, oh, I think we've got the sweet bowl. So I got it out and Robin, he was the only guy by the other room, he was like, what are you doing with them? I was like, they just wanted a couple of sweets. I was like,

we won't eat them all. He ate them all. Of course he did. Taking them up to bed, he was literally crying going up the stairs. Oh no. Like, you know,

when he does that thing when he kind of like jumps around and kicks the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bit all me sweets. Yeah. I was very proud of him though

because he didn't actually say anything to them. Right, he just said it to you. He just said it to me. That was quite good. Which I was like, that's... We've taught him something, which is quite good. I was a little bastard and I went in the screen with Joe. Oh, I can imagine.

But no, he very much was just like, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight. Kiss and cuddle, goodnight. And then up the stairs going, you're the very old me, sweet. So we're going to have to replace some of them. Wouldn't know about sweets, mate. I've cut out the sugar, haven't I?

Oh, yes. Cut out the sugar. Pious, mate. Pious. Pure. I hate that word. I know. I haven't really cut out the sugar.

I'm just not eating much. You're just eating protein bars, which still have sugar in them. Yeah, they've got sugar. They've got quite a lot of sugar in, but not as much as a Twix. But I was bad. I was like Twixes and cupcakes every day. I'm actually, I don't look as ill, which is pretty cool.

I don't have, I mean, I've got bags under my eyes still because I've got kids, but I don't have big black circles anymore. That is true, actually. You used to just buy your birthday cake for fun.

Yeah, yeah. We've talked about this. I was in a bar the other day and there was a lady sitting across from me, my mate, and she just was like, hey, hello,

and she started chatting and she went, hey, you've lost loads of weight. She said, she went, you've lost loads of weight. She said, you've lost loads of weight. You look really good. I went, no, I haven't lost loads of weight. I'm just at home more now.

I'm not touring constantly. I'm eating vegetables and that. I have a vegetable now and then. And I know even though I've got kids, I actually get to bed at a decent time. And I'm not living in service stations. I actually feel a bit more like real, normal, like a normal boy. I feel like a real boy.

A real boy? No, it's true. I totally get you. But I'm not, I was joking. I'm absolutely not cutting out the sugar. Congratulations, VK. I absolutely could not do that. I think I'd pass out.

No, I know. Well, your mum's already told me the other day that sweeteners are really bad for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm down to one sweetener though. Well, I'm going to try that as well. We have two sweeteners and more bad for you yeah yeah yeah so i'm down to one sweetener though well i'm trying i'm gonna try that as well we have two sweeteners and my coffees but then she was um you know you're better off having a spoonful of sugar oh god seriously this is the woman who gave our fucking son a handful of pringles at eight in the morning and you know

carl has about six sweeteners what if he's in the house on his own he'll have about six sweeteners but then if he's with me he'll be like oh you're here so, he'll have about six sweeteners. But then if he's with me, he'll be like, oh, you're here, so I'll just have four. Four sweeteners? Yeah. Seriously? Yeah. I think two is quite strong. I told you how many Bob Mortimer, comedy legend,

I told you how many sugars he used to have. I said it on the podcast. I think so. He told me. It's out there. It's in his book and loads of stuff. Oh, is it? He used to have 18 sugars in his tea.

Nah, nah. 18 sugars. I mean, that's a Red Bull. Chris, that's a cake's a Red Bull Chris that's a cake that's like come on cake please yeah if you think four ounces of sugar it's probably

is that about four ounces of sugar it's not far off you know it's a lot 18 teaspoons 18 teaspoons of sugar he used to have he told us when we were doing Saturday Kitchen

holy shit I think he put a couple in I was like oh I don't he was like oh he was like my mum used to let us have 18 and I was I'm waiting for the punchline because Bob Morton he's hilarious and he was just like no yeah and I was like oh I don't he was like oh he was like my mum used to let us have 18 and I was I'm waiting for the punchline

because Bob Mortimer he's hilarious and he was just like nah yeah and I was like fuck so he still does did he did you see him

no no no no no I saw yeah I was with him when he told us I was on Sunday brunch but no he definitely still does not have that many

but I think he's still he's still got a sweet tooth like right but yeah bloody hell gotta be careful babadoo babadoo babadoo something's happening

at the minute something's happening at the minute something's happening this is not a serious thing but I can't no no that sounded like the beginning it sounded like

a Netflix advert for a dystopic something's happening something's happening I love they're everywhere oh they're in our homes

oh do you know what I mean I would watch that I've got no you're already you're already I haven I would watch that I've got no you're already you're already I haven't got a bit at the end sorry

no you're going to think this is ridiculous something's happening at the minute so I've made a new email address fuck me finally

being busy eh snowed under oh hey you're lucky we did the podcast this week guys just being busy making a new email address oh god

a work email address because I've never had one yeah so all of my work stuff goes to me normal address right so sometimes i delete work things when i'm trying to just tidy up me and i've said it before your inbox is normally 150 because it's just me personal email horrific well i'm sorry every time you buy something you put your email address in they start emailing you for the rest of your life yeah it's disgusting that is fair um so i finally made a work email after four years. I need to send it to everybody at our management company.

I'm just really embarrassed. I don't know what to put. You're embarrassed? Is that silly? Yeah. So I need to CC everyone in, but then who do I CC in? Everyone. Everyone who emails you.

Well, not everyone, but everyone who emails you. What do I say? Got a new email. Yes. Here it is. This is it. Are you wasting... What are you embarrassed for?

Are you wasting time and thought on this? You're wasting electronic impulses in your brain on this shit. Yeah, what's wrong with this? You're all right, guys. Just streamlining. All my stuff goes to me. Me, personal email. I'm sick of missing emails.

So in an effort to never miss any email from any of you lovely people again, this has been Ewan. Please only contact us for work stuff on this one. Right, okay. And then a nice close-up picture of your fanny and bum hole at the end. Industry standard.

Industry standard. You've got to do it. You haven't had a work email before, but this is it. Nice close-up, high res. Include attachments. Include. And you know when your iPhone goes actual size or small actual size or actual actual size five meg or whatever bum hole and fanny close up uh and send

and that's how everyone does it that's how everyone does it okay i'll be sure to and that's all i needed all i needed was just a structure of the email that's it you know i'm an old i'm an old pro but why does it feel weird what's wrong with this i've had it for two weeks what's wrong with you man i don't know i don't know i'll do it today i promise you look me in the eyes yeah get me camera yeah don't use the selfie camera because it's not as good you've got to use the other one yeah i do find in the past i do find that squatting over a mirror helps yeah yeah yeah okay so i uh i went out the weekend didn't i two nights two nights on the belt i actually had a full day on friday didn't i mean me mate went up to newcastle had a few beers had some steak and then uh had a full night out and then on saturday i did uh i did stand up again at the customs house in south shales first

stand up i've done uh for a year apart from the odd corporate gig and also first actual new jokes that have come out of my mouth in front of an audience since uh 2019 don't tell them why you did it uh because i felt like i couldn't do stand up anymore and i was having dreams thought he'd lost his magic stand-up power i was having dreams do you know what like everyone you know you have the when you were a kid you had the turning up at school naked and now you know if you're an adult you have the turning up at work now you know you turn up and you can't do your job i have been having anxious dreams where i'm on stage and i can't and someone's like oh you've got to do an hour of new stuff all your new and i'm like i've got nothing yeah i've just stood there fuck i do it with the with them i'm doing a play or something and i don't know the lines and it's the day off and

i'm like why don't i know them it's this something to do with something anxiety something yeah i've had them in the past where i'm on stage at a massive event and i've got a guitar and they're like three two one and i'm like i can't play the guitar get this off us now i can't wouldn't it be lovely if in your dreams you could just do shit that you can't. Horrible. Wouldn't it be lovely if in your dreams you could just do shit that you can't do? I think you can't. I think, isn't it?

Well, is that... Do you just not remember them? No, no. Just remember the harrowing ones. What's it called? Lucid dreaming. People who can control their dreams. Something like that.

I don't get that. Another thing we'll watch, man, where they walk through the door and then she could not float around in the real life. No, but when they can choose what to do in their dreams. I'm sure it's called

lucid dreaming or something. That was behind her eyes or something. Behind her eyes, but that wasn't real. Obviously, you can't come in the real life and float I'm sure it's called lucid dreaming or something. That was behind her eyes or something. Behind her eyes, but that wasn't real. Obviously, you can't come into real life and float around. I mean, can you? You might not. She swapped bodies with somebody, man.

Well, yeah. Give away the fucking memory. But I'm sure it's something. I've read a fact. It's something called lucid dreaming. Anyway, look, don't worry about that. I did my stand-up. I can still do stand-up.

It was quite nice. The audience were lovely. However, the night before, I was out with me mates. And some friends of friends came into the pub, half cut, and people started talking about different stuff. Is this the story that you deliberately didn't tell us and you said, I'm going to wait until the podcast? I was, so one of the guys, right? Let's call him John.

His name was not John. John is a friend of a friend. Don't really know him. But he's talking about sort of exploits he's having at the minute. He's a single lad. He's on the old...

The old Tinder. The old Tinder and that. Lovely. Bumble and all them things, right? Yeah. And he's meeting up with ladies, right? And he's talking about,

you know, he's getting a bit into what's going on, right? And I wasn't away until this moment. And I don't know if you were away. And I really want to get your opinion on this. Are you aware that inflating people's bum holes is a thing?

Oh, God. That sounds really dangerous. Is that a thing? Like, that's what's happening? Right. So, first of all, rewind a bit. You're just picturing just air hose pumping air in. You're talking mouth?

Right, no. The air doesn't go in. Sorry. A thing goes in which inflates bigger. So we're talking like something that might be a small butt plug, but it's attached to a hose and you put it in and then you pump it and as the plug is in there it expands the arse right i'm not talking about filling some no no you're not filling someone up like a tire no no no no but everyone listening don't do that you will literally murder someone right um do it but i

didn't know this was a thing okay so there he goes, he goes, oh, yeah, so I had this girl, I had this last round, I was at this hotel, he's at the various stories, and he was like, oh, use me arse inflator. And I'm like, sorry? He's like, yeah, use me arse inflator. So vanilla. It's just, I couldn't leave it. So what is the purpose of it?

It's like a, you know, like a vibrator or a dildo or a butt plug or anything else you use. But it goes in and you make it bigger is it right okay and it makes your bum bigger oh and then does

does he then I don't know or does it just stays in I was so look at each other for a bit or does he look at the machine and go

oh 480 like when you're getting your blood pressure taken oh yeah you've scored well there I'll put you on the leaderboard next not to be I don't know I mean listen each to their own I'm 480. Like when you're getting your blood pressure taken. Oh yeah, you've scored well there. I'll put you on the leaderboard. Next! Not to be... I don't know.

I mean, listen. Each to their own. I think sexual preferences is completely... Don't ever be shamed about what you like. If you like it, then go for it. Yeah, yeah. I don't think I would like that. But I reserve the right to take the piss out of it.

To take the piss out of all of these things. I'm always going to do that. I just... I feel like there's a lot of admin involved in pumping someone's arse up. I feel like the throes of passion don't exist when you're plugging your arse and flint.

This is the thing. To me, sex, I think it's enjoyable when it's like passionate and dare I say fast, not fast like, we talked about this, the two hour long sessions.

You want fast sex, you've come to the right guy mate mate I know I know I married you yeah but I just find

the two hour long sessions I'd rather have I'd rather have more like frequently rather than just like let's make love but I think all day long

yeah let's not let's actually do it get about with it maybe do it later on i just don't i just i don't get i don't understand at what point of the the i'm gonna sound like an old man here but the kissing and the cuddling the kissing and the cuddling and the removing clothes you know

and you know moving over the bed and then there are two seconds i'm just gonna open this case and get out my arse inflator like a like a baddie in a film assembling a rifle why did we bypass all of the vibrators scope silencer magazine lean out the window find me target the for fuck's sake man yeah it's not i don't really so it's like uh yeah so i i it took me i found that out on friday night and it took me until about half an hour before we started recording a day to google it right okay i was frightened what's it called i was actually frightened to google it he kept saying it was called the arse inflator 8000 but i think he was joking right because i've checked it doesn't go above a six no uh i don't i just had a quick i genuinely was so frightened of googling it i considered um buying a really cheap laptop

and why why are you scared I was just worried about googling arse inflation it just felt like a weird thing it just felt like you know computers and algorithms and all that

what if next time I go on I'm in a hotel and I go on I look a bit normal Paul and it gives us bloody arse hot air balloons and that

babe I'd hate to tell you I don't know whether we're just a bit boring I think we are but then again there's another level of inflating people's bums I mean all the lads

were talking about oh my god so did anybody else go oh go oh i made my last do that no no i did everyone was equally equally shocked and enthralled i mean it was a hell of a story because it was but uh one of the lads phoned another one of my mates uh joking about it the other day my mate picked up his phone he went hello my other mate went alright mate you bought your arse inflator yet he was on speakerphone with his wife and kids

in the car oh god oh of course he was of course he was oh it's half term man it's bloody half term

god's sake babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for what's your beef what's your beef what is your beef sorry what did you say

I don't know how you can have a beef with me because I have been in an absolute delight I've had to take out all of the actual real beef that I've been fucking arguing about properly for worry of A making everyone out there think you're a total bastard and B actually getting genuinely divorced so

we'll go straight I've got a bit more of a jovial beef nothing real that we've been talking about recently but also uh no medieval torture this week because we've decided that the arson fleet are basically covered all of that okay so do you want to go first for beefs or shall i go first um you go first okay so your general hypocrisy around the house irritates us quite a lot. Right, okay.

Different things you do, different things you claim and then you do something even worse. We all know what hypocrisy is. And we are all aware and if you're not aware if this is the first time

listening to this podcast, Rosie has a little slogan that she likes to say in the kitchen which is bin stinks. Does it? We've talked about it before, bin stinks.

You took that slogan to another level the other day where at a different part of the kitchen, you sniffed and said these words, something, someway stinks. What was it?

Don't know. But you look at me like ah, now I need to solve it. Like, it's now, here's your quest. Hang on, I got in my car after you yesterday in the driver's seat. That was offensive. How did you fart, though? I don't know, but you can't just get in your car

and you were like, it smells. I had my fucking shoes on. What do you mean? I'm not a smelly person. It smelled weird. I'm not a smelly person. You're not absolutely, but honestly... Alan Partridge says in the Alan Partridge book,

I'm a keen cleanser. Right? Very keen cleanser. That is true about you. Honestly. But yeah, you went something, somewhere, stinks, and looked at me as if to go, go on, boy. Go get it. Go see what this thing is. Well, do you know what else it could have been? Where was I? The kitchen? Not upstairs now. A bedroom

where you left Rave's nappy for three days. That wasn't me. That's written down on the air. That was you. where you left Rave's nappy for three days that wasn't me that's written down on the air that was you so you go on about stuff stinking and you left a pissy nappy

under your side of the bed for three days I didn't take it off him it was you you took it off him you bathed him and put it

and it ended up under the bed I put them in the bin or I take them downstairs that was one you did you either did it in the morning if you did it in the morning

that means it was there for five days plus no I never changed I don't change his nappy upstairs I change it downstairs that was fucking you alright well you saw it the day before then you didn't was there for five days plus. No, I never changed it. I don't change it. He's not me upstairs. I change it downstairs. That was fucking you. All right, well, you saw it the day before, then you didn't pick it up.

So you're going on about stuff. I totally forgot. I totally forgot to pick it up. But then I picked it and took it downstairs today. Hypocrite. My beef with you, it's going to upset you a little bit. I'm bringing it on. I'm not scared.

It's sort of a beef slash ick. Oh, God. I don't like your new sunglasses. The ones I've folded? The ones that I've folded up. Why don't you like them? Because every time you wear them, you're literally like, look how cool these are.

Makes us want to die. I can't believe this. So you just bought a new pair of sunglasses. On, like structural, properly, they look quite nice. Right. But they come in a little tiny little box, right? So you go, like, you know when people have their bikes that go down really small?

They're exactly like that. So the arms fold in half and then you fold them in. And then you fold them at the bridge of the nose. Then the bridge of the nose folds. I hate them. Wow. Wow.

I hate the way you get them out of the box and you just fold it all open. I don't believe that. I. I hate the way you get them out of the box and you just fold it all open. I don't believe that. I think I hate them because I just know how much you are doing it going, these are mine. I am, I am. I swear to God, I am. I take them off, right, and people are glancing over.

I take them off and I go, they're ready to have their world fucking rocked. What are you expecting here, mate? Fold two arms in. Think again, loser. Watch this arm in half. Watch this other arm in half. Fold it in there in a third.

Oh, what's that? The bridge of the nose? Fold it again. Ick. Go to me pocket. These are boom. Got a tiny little box. Yeah, go to the tiny little box and close it.

Let's go. I got that bad lad inflated. No, I mean, they're nice when they're on. It's just the process of putting them on with chair makes us want to die. So dramatic, so ridiculous. And do you know what? Jealous.

You are jealous. You're jealous that you don't have glasses that fold not once, not twice, not thrice, not fourths, but fives. Fives. Five times. Five times. Five times the folding.

Fives? Five times the folding in one cool package. You are so jealous. You're pathetic. Don't mind them. Pathetic. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public.

Public. Public. As always, you beautiful people, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com. Maybe you've heard a story that sparked off another little story in your head and you think, ooh, that's similar to that. Ooh, that reminds me of that. Send it in.

Send with your icks. Send with your beefs. Send with all kinds. And also, if you would like to be in the audience for our TV show, all of the info for that is on our, is it on your bio? Not yet, but it will be by the time we do this. Ah, you know, it's on my Twitter.

I posted the thing out, SRO audiences or whatever. If you want to be in the audience for the Chris and Rosie Ramsey Show Series 2, now on BBC One, by the way, if you want to be in the audience for the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show series two, now on BBC One, by the way, if you want to be in the audience for that for free, come down, have a hell of a night in London with us. It was absolutely brilliant, the last series. Similar to the two, some of the best nights out

I think I've ever had. Oh, yeah, for sure. Phenomenal. Also, if you've got any beefs with each other, with your partner, you can air them on live television. You can air them on live telly. We will mediate. We may get you to pick your nose with your girlfriend's middle toe on the couch next uh god

who was even on there what episode was that was it martin might be martin mccutchen i'm not sure anyway uh and if you've got anything for it goes or i go do you own something that does your partner what is it does someone you love on something you hate the one get on there if you want to get involved in the show it would be lovely now what we got hello when I was 16 I needed surgery it just says

a surgery Jesus keep it light I needed surgery it was planned and I was mentally ready apart from one worry I was scared I would get a boner

whilst asleep and being operated on as I often woke up in the night with morning glory and was currently going through that weird phase all lads go through where you're just terrified of getting bonus in random places can I just say that they should have considered Chris Ramsey's erection protection this is

linked perfectly to your new company and and he was terrified of getting bonus in random places and a group of surgeons laughing at me whilst asleep was akin to getting a boner in maths class in my young feeble mind that's such a shame

to be fair that's so yeah it's embarrassing isn't it yeah it would be I don't know if you can when you're not anaesthetic

but fair enough who knows now this surgery was on my leg so I knew I had to wear a gown and underpants I also knew the gown would likely be removed, so I did the only rational thing.

Before I was put to sleep ready for surgery, I put on 12 pairs of boxer shorts, which kind of looked like a nappy when I was done. 12! I love that. I love the idea that he got a 10 and went, two more. Two more needs to be done. Anyway, the surgery went well, but to this day, I still hate myself for caring more about that

than the pressing issue at hand. I absolutely can get on board with that. 16, man. I totally, totally feel your pain, and I 100% understand. And that's the kind of thing I'd have been shitting myself about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Bless about. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Bless him.

Wow. You know, before I did a, I did a bungee jump in Falaraki when I was 16 and... 60? Were you only 16?

Yeah. And they let you do a bungee jump? Yeah, yeah. Wow. I don't know why they let us, I don't know why... I don't know why you did it. I don't know why I went,

I don't know why my mum and dad let me go, I don't know why they let us do the bungee jump. A lot of things I don't know about that whole thing. Terrifying, awful, just loads of big men everywhere drinking and fighting and i was scared horrible genuinely two of the worst weeks of my entire life yeah two weeks

two weeks i went for absolutely horrible just because that's horrible two weeks six your mom and dad let you go abroad for two weeks when you were 16 to fallarack you just have to have fucking club reps fucking show would be what wasorac is a What was it called? Club reps Yeah yeah yeah Horrible Oh my word So I was standing in the little cage thing

When I did the bungee jump Why did they let you I'm so confused Anyway I'll be fucking letting that one out But I was standing in the little cage thing Because it was a It was basically a crane

Above a swimming pool Oh mate I know exactly where Listen You're talking of roads Did you work in roads? Alumni here Shit okay Yeah yeah yeah

So I stood in the thing and i tied my shorts so so so so tight that i couldn't get them undone when i got off and i'm tying it i'm tying i'm putting like six or seven knots and i'm pulling it and the guy at the top he was like you know everyone everyone who works abroad at that age has a cockney he's like mate shorts aren't gonna come off mate i was like well they might oh my god for some reason i thought he might be greek i had to walk what doing the doing the bungee jump in the pool you know um i had to walk all the way back up the bar street and club street all the way back to my hotel right the other end and it was my pants were so tight i couldn't get that how to cut the shorts off when i got back oh no i couldn't undo the

knots what was it like the bungee jump uh yeah best part of the hat, I cut the shorts off when I got back. Oh, no. I couldn't undo the knots. What was it like, the bungee jump? Yeah, best part of the holiday. Best part of the holiday. The slingshot and the bungee jump, the two best parts of the holiday. The rest of it was just avoiding getting knocked out by some massive bloke. I'm so obsessed with watching videos

of people on slingshots and fainting. On the slingshot. Like, they're horrendous. I can't believe they're still legal. Do they still do them? I thought they were gone. I think so. One snapped recently.

It was a terrifying video. Listen, you'll never get me on now like that. And if the Bairns like stuff like that, I'm going to be telling them the statistics of everyone who's died on them. What fun. What fun, ma'am? Don't care.

Don't care. Hate them. Absolutely not. Never. Never. Okay. I think you should do them in character as well when you tell them.

Statistics. Statistics Sally. I'll make one up statistics Sandra that'll be your mum might as well have some sugar thanks for ruining that little pleasure for us bye You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca.

That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girlallenge.ca. is the most terrifying 666 it's the mark of the devil movie of the year it's not real it's not real who said that the first omen in theaters friday gets it gets now

do you want a little ick always we haven't had an ick for a while hi rosie and chris i have an ick for you personally i don't agree with this, but I just found it quite funny, right?

My boyfriend just fainted whilst we were out in public today and it was an instant ick. That's so unfair. Why did he faint? Well, right. I just got a... Fucking talk about victim blaming. Jesus.

I've never really thought about it before, but isn't fainting such a girly thing to do? Oh, what year is it? Chris, gone right off him now. Gone right off him. Poor bloke can't even faint. He's fainted. He's literally, do you know why you're faint?

Do you know why you're faint? Why? Because your body's in so much pain. Uh-huh. So it... Switches off. It just switches off. Yeah, yeah.

The poor lad's literally in so much pain. Or he's like, it's like a blood to the head, isn't it just switches off yeah yeah the poor lad's literally in so much pain or he's like it's like a blood to the head isn't it yeah yeah it's either your body's switching you off

because you're in so much pain or it's so what did he why did he faint does she say it doesn't say but it's now he feels all sorry

for himself and says he's going to start taking sugar cubes out with him in case he feels right so he had it right so he was it was a sort of

he's had low blood sugar like a low blood sugar ish kind of yeah all i keep picturing is him flopping to the floor arms and legs all limp and it's putting me right off my question is if chris fainted in public would you get down beside him and check he was okay and comfort him or would you walk away and give him a call in five minutes or so to meet up again i'll be doing the latter next time unless unless he faints all the time yeah because i'm not being funny if you fainted all the time i'd be like how well that's just no it might be a serious condition i know but even if me mate faint all the time i'd I'd be like, fucking, how are they? Yeah, she is. No, she's fine. She's fine.

She's not pissed. She faints all the time. It pisses off just for the actual fainting. Me sister used to faint all the time. Yeah. I made a song about it. It was ridiculous. I can't remember the song.

But she fainted all the time. All right. Because she just was that kind. She hated blood, so she'd see anyone's blood, and she was like, oh. Oh, God. But I've got to say, if you fainted,

I would genuinely be worried. Yeah. Because it's like collapsing, isn't it? It's the same word for the exact thing. It's the same thing. Yeah. Different word for the exact same thing. I think he's done it really like,

oh, I'm going to, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to go, I'm going to, let me sugarcane juice, I'm going to go, I'm going to go. And then I can understand my sugar cubes. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. And then that can understand the ick for that. But then that.

And now he's taking out sugar cubes like a little pony. Poor lad. You can't do that. Some of these icks are ridiculous. No, you can't. See, do you know what it is? That's old-fashioned sexism is what that is. It is actually, isn't it?

That's a man should be a man. You know, Tony Soprano, Gary Cooperary cooper the strong silent type that's that that's like you shouldn't faint you're a man fucking bullshit i'm gonna faint all the time now oh you would you know you would i would i think i would think a little alarm i think to get the front of the queue for something would you yeah yeah i want to go to a restaurant with the queue for something. Would you? Yeah. Yeah. Would you actually? I went to go to a restaurant with my mates in London the other week. It was a two-hour queue outside.

And if someone had said, if you faint, you'll get to the front, I'd have fucking... But what would I do? Got us to the front. They'd send you... Oh, you must need a five-course dinner. That's exactly what I need.

And three pints of lager. Yeah. Because do you know... I've got low alcohol and Michelin star food levels. Sir, do you know what I need. And three pints of lager. Yeah. Because do you know... I've got low alcohol and Michelin star food levels. Sir, do you know what you need? You need to go back to bed. Your hotel's that way. Uber.

Like, why would that get you fainting to get into a restaurant? Well, they might go, we need to get him in, we need to sit him down. Oh, okay, sit you down. Where will we sit you? Two for five. What? Just sit there.

There we go. Yeah. Oh, I think I'll just have we go yeah I'll just have a starter I'll just have a starter and then they knew the lot and then there we go and then I've got

I've got a broken nose but you know two hours early happy days it might get you backstage because there's been stories about that before hasn't there

people fainting getting back to you I think that I don't know whether they're like not old wives tales but just bullshit where people

say like someone I know my friend of a friend fainted and then had to go sit backstage and then bloody Elvis Presley

walked past and said which friend of a friend have you spoken to who fainted in an Elvis Presley gig when was this I need a timeline

I made that up so in this in this scenario this hypothetical scenario the only person the only pop star you can think of who would be backstage anyway was Elvis fucking Presley.

I mean, aim high. Why did you pick Elvis? I don't know. What are we? Because I was thinking of just old... It wouldn't happen now. Right, okay. It wouldn't happen now.

It wouldn't happen now. I guess. happen now wouldn't happen now wouldn't happen one of our gigs or someone's Harry Styles letting people sit in his vicinity backstage I fucking doubt it hold on

it fucking happened to us we went and saw someone who passed out at the show at the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show we bloody did oh she didn't pass out she tripped on a step outside

and fucking smashed her arm and we went out and spoke around the TV studios yeah the little the little she was pretending hey I tell you if you're listening love we're on to you there was no wrong with you our arm and we went out and spoke around the TV studios, yeah. The little, the little stricter.

Hey, I tell you, if you're listening, love, we're on to you. There was no wrong with you. No, your game. You're bringing your fake blood down. I'm joking, I'm joking. She was actually really sweet. She was dead canny. Oh, so it is a thing. There you go, Elvis.

Elvis started it. We can't claim to take it. Elvis started that. Fucking Elvis. My head is not yet. One fucking pop star you can think of. Elvis started it we can't claim to take it Elvis started that fucking Elvis my head is not yet one fucking pop star you can think of Elvis

in my head I had Foo Fighters because it sounds like a Dave Grohl cool thing to do yeah turned out it was a me cool thing to do

because I did it babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Chris and Rosie I was listening to episode 172 can't remember what happened and I worryingly found more than one topic you chatted Hi, Chris and Rosie. I was listening to episode 172. Can't remember what happened.

And I worryingly found more than one topic you chatted about resonated with me. Firstly was Chris's Build-A-Mug sponsor and jingle, which I now have stuck in my head. We all have our stranger slash Build-A-Mugs, but my friend has taken this a step further. He was so particular about his stranger mug that he gave to workies that his partner as a joke had a mug made with stranger mug in huge letters printed across the front he now boldly gives this to any stranger who went as his home and he doesn't give a fuck about how awkward it is

fucking love it that's amazing stranger mug that is amazing builder's mug yeah yeah fantastic secondly was rosie's creepy hair appointment i don't remember what creepy hair appointment i had i can't remember i had a similar experience when getting my hair done at a new salon whilst having my hair washed the hairdresser asked if i would like a head massage i thought this was quite considerate as most hairdressers just tend to go for it whilst washing your hair so i appreciated her asking i said yes please and expected her to get cracking as she conditioned my hair this is not what happened this is so this is so something she's gone to a posh one she's gone to a posh one no i just feel like this would happen to me and i'd come home and you'd go what is your life right okay

she then put a towel around me so i thought she decided to sack off the massage but no she guided me to a seat in the middle of the really busy salon and told me to relax, shut my eyes and imagine I was on the beach. Then she embarked on what was the longest, most awkward, least relaxing massage of my life, as every time I tried to squint over my eyes, she could see me in the mirror and told me to shut them again. It was awful. In the middle of the place.

Literally in the middle, in the chair, in the middle of the salon. Just do it at the sink. Shut your eyes. Shut your eyes. Just do it at the sink. I've had one of them before.

Yay, they're lovely, aren't they? Yeah, they're nice. As they do it, I feel like going, right, how many fingers have you got? Because it feels like you've got 40 they've got this thing of making them feel like their whole hand is like sort of wrapped around your head it's sometimes quite nice when you get one with really long nails and they're just like but yeah i've had them now and then but yeah i wouldn't be moved i would if they were like oh you need to come and sit i mean it doesn't matter it doesn't matter i've said before if the hairdressers

are going to near our house they always kick off because they always say do you want a cup of tea or coffee and I go absolutely not and the no

it's because I know there'll just be hairs in it yeah there's always it's like but they're not bothered they're completely immune to hairs

it's crazy but they're always like do you want a tea or coffee and I'm like no there'll be hairs in it they won't they fucking will

hairdressers are like cats you know when they just like vomit up hairballs and that well did you not see that video recently that like cats, you know, when they just like vomit up hairballs and that. Well, did you not see that video recently that went viral? Do you know the hairs

sometimes go into their skin like spelks and have to squeeze them out? And you can cause like ingrown hairs in there but it's not... Yeah, they have to squeeze them out. It's not their hair.

Yeah. It's people's hair. So I saw one recently of someone and they had their fingers, you know, the web in between their fingers down where your knuckles are,

the base of your fingers and they were squeezing there and little black hairs were coming out and it wasn't something is this something you can youtube yeah oh yeah yeah there's me sort of what do you put in hairdressers braggarts hello senor chris and Senorita Rosa Wow That's what they've put Don't read it I'm joking

Please keep me anonymous Recently had to do some work in student accommodation kitchen and after being let in by what seemed like a studious looking lad not a lads lad oi oi type typical sort of Geordie Shore type studenty looking smart well turned out little thing. Yeah.

I went in the kitchen to start working under the kickboard. So I'm guessing this guy is a plumber or a joiner. Or joiner or flooring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kickboard being... Industry sort of person. Handyman. Kickboard being the bit under your cupboards.

Yes. We know what kickboards are. Just in case anyone doesn't. Two minutes later, the gentle lad walks in holding something in his hand and goes over the sink to start cleaning something.

We got chatting about him at being at uni and what he was studying and it was only then that he turned to me with the item in his hand and it was... I don't know what this was.

Two, two, two, two... I've got two guesses. It was either a bong or a fleshlight. It was a fleshlight. It was a fleshlight? Yes! I try not to stare at this thing in front of me, which he may have been using just before I arrived,

and he is washing his used spunk out of it whilst I am there. At the kitchen fucking sink, by the way. The question about this is, is this the ultimate alpha male move whilst I am doing some work and me working on the floor and him stood up over showing some dominance with his flashlight or does he just have no shame at all and thought oh okay i know what i need to do this morning clean up my own chairs it's not a shared kitchen by the way they're all self-catered rooms with ensuite kitchen

bathroom that's why he's got some money for a flashlight then how much well i imagine they're not cheap weird though that, that, innit? Really fucking weird. I think that is a dominant sort of move. I'm just going to... Got fucking Jeffrey Dahmer written all over it. Yes. He's unsuspicious.

He's not an alpha alpha. Well turned out. Yeah, yeah. You know, quiet lad. Well, by the way, I'm just washing our lass in the sink here. It's awful, isn't it? Have you met me wife? Sorry, she's just got out of the bath.

Put a robe on. Say hello, darling, or she's shy. Come on, back to the room, darling. Oh, God. Horrible little perv. Do you want a little ick? Another ick, yeah. Hello, Chris and Rosie.

I hope this email finds you well. Yeah, decent. Are you well? Half decent, thank you. I have a weirdly specific ick about my husband. It's definitely an ick instead of a beef, because when he does it, I instantly think we can't have sex ever again. Wow. My ick is when something isn't working,

say like a games console or like a remote control. So one of his things. Something for his enjoyment. Yeah. Well, you know what I mean. He'll blow into the disc hole and honestly the moment that

leaves his mouth all the desire leaves my body. I know Chris will say that's ridiculous. What, you don't want things that work? No, sorry.

I'd rather bin it and buy a new one. You'd rather bin... Right. So I kind of get where she's coming from so do you know when something's broke and you you have to like blow in it yes because this is what we do with technology isn't it yes because we don't know how it works properly so so you either turn it on and off yeah from the source and then you pick it

up and you blow into the holes and you do that i've seen you do that right yeah but i mean if again if he's getting stuff if he's fixed what what does she want i don't think it's fixed it though i don't think it's done anything well apparently i read a thing recently that you know like sega mega drive and stuff how people take the cartridge out and blow yeah um and then put it back in and it would work right there's nothing to do with the blow and it was just the fact that you took it out and put it back in the blood was nothing to do with the blowing. Right. He's obviously a Sega Mega Drive guy. Yeah. But fucking, again, what's he supposed to do?

Go and get a leaf blower? Put the hair dryer on? You'd find something. Do you know what it is? It's because, and this is a problem with wives sometimes, it's because he's fixing the thing that he wants for his enjoyment. Right? And you don't, you can't,

sometimes you can't bear that we are just enjoying ourselves on our own without you are you are you on crack cocaine right now no two different drugs i think but carry on love when you go and enjoy thing you follow me around this house like a little fucking limpet you don't leave us are you actually how are you taking the piss yes yeah when we're doing no when we're doing something the other night you're a stupid thing are you actually are you taking the piss I went up no no no I went up to bed the other night you stupid thing I went up to bed

the other night to watch telly because I just wanted to watch million dollar list in LA right and you don't like

that kind of stuff Robin wanted to fall asleep in our bed because it's half term I was like yeah I'll say to you I'm going to go upstairs to watch telly

are you alright is everything alright yes absolutely fine I just want to sit in my bed and watch telly are you all right is everything all right yes absolutely fine i just want to sit in my bed and watch telly without you came downstairs to get a drink are you all right are you all right is everything all right i thought i was in trouble honestly you i would if you blew on your consoles i would love that leave me alone don't let us enjoy things you're trying to get it to BJJ your Sunday morning hobby

yeah no you went last night 8 till 9 brilliant absolutely you had a great time you're going tomorrow

you're going tomorrow 11 till 1 fantastic before I went first of all I'm glad you know my timetable you're actually listening before I went to BJJ last night you did actually know my timetable, you're actually listening.

Before I went to BJJ last night, you did actually say, do you not want to just sack it off and go in the hot tub? You actually said that. Because you fixed the hot tub because it was literally working last night. And I wanted to get in. I thought, I'm not wasting time on my own. Stopping me from having fun. Stopping me from having fun. I wanted to go in the hot tub. You're going on yourself, man. Well, I haven't had the hot tub

on, you know, for months. Pointless, we've got two-year-olds. to go on the hot tub. Hand on yourself, man. Well, I haven't had the hot tub on, you know, for months. Nah. Pointless. We've got two-year-olds. Absolutely pointless. I know. We'll put it on for the holidays. We'll put it on for Easter

so the kids can have a turn in it. Yeah. As soon as he goes back to school, it's going off again. What? Fucking waste of time, waste of money, waste of electricity.

It is a waste of money when you just have it on all the time. But I've really, really missed it. I'm looking forward to getting back in it. When, you know, again, when we get our lives back a bit, when Rave's a bit older, you know,

takes the shine off a hot tub when you've got to have a fucking baby monitor at the side in it. When, you know, again, when we get our lives back a bit, when Rave's a bit older, you know, takes the shine off a hot tub when you've got to have a fucking baby monitor at the side of it. Yeah. Run out, get out and go and fucking put his dummy back in

and he's caught soaking in the whole house. That is true. Breaking the ankles in the kitchen on the tiles. Forget it. Robin ruins the experience of it when he literally jumps in

and then he runs around the garden thinking he's been naked and then comes back in and he's got loads of fucking grass on him. Yeah. It's not fun. Tell you Yeah. It's not fun.

Tell you what. It's not fun. Hi Rosie and Chris. I have a couple of stories from my life as a synchronised swimmer. What? Wow.

Yeah. I don't think I've ever spoken to a synchronised swimmer before. I don't know anyone who can synchronise swim. Wow. And they're sending

these on their own? Huh? And these are from just one person? They haven't all chipped in? No. Just one person who's allowed to do things on their own and these these are from just one person they haven't all chipped in no just one person who's they're allowed to

do things on their own you know okay well it says you it says my life is a synchronized swimmer well hobby it is

so I don't think it was a full job that happened within a couple of weeks of each other so shows the true non-glamorous side of the sport

tell you what right what that is one hobby where you really are dropping someone in it if you're not coming that day, aren't you? That is... You are really fucking shitting on everyone if you're not... I can't make it.

Oh, for fuck's sake! We'll be all off. Yeah. How was synchronised swimming today, Chris? What? Swimming, you mean? Because those cunts didn't turn up. How was swimming? Yeah, like a right knob in the middle of the pool.

Just did 20 lengths instead. It's not got the same effect when I'm just spinning round upside down, my legs in the air. I'm like a right twat. Right. Do you want to hear the story? 100%.

One week in training, we were doing a proactive swim of a routine as we had a competition the week after. When diving in, you don't have long to get into the water so i ended up diving in on top of the girl in front of me when i dived in my finger went up the girl's bum so there you go fast forward to the competition and i lend the same girl a spare nose clip as we like to have two each in case one falls off right halfway through the day

she said she had lost one in a costume change and needed another one off of another team member. Fast forward to the end of the day, she handed back the nose clip to our team mate and took off her costume. And there she finds a nose clip that I had lent her earlier in her vagina. Safe to say I didn't want it back.

All I say is it's a good job that we are very good friends. Thank you very much what a ridiculous hobby oh my god it's a fucking fucking carnage it's absolute shit show innit

like just fucking everyone in the pool oh sorry sorry no you're getting paid for this hey by the way sorry I stuck my finger up your ass there.

Would you like to borrow a nose clip? Yes, I would. Where do you keep them? There it is. Have you done... We watched it one year. That was such fast fire filth from that synchronised swimmer.

Honestly, have you seen them, man? They're very fast. I mean, it's... We watched. Didn't we watch it? When you seen them, man? They're very fast. I mean, they're incredible. Didn't we watch it? When was it on, man? It must have been during lockdown, because I remember everyone talking about it. Whereas normally, no disrespect, synchronised swimming. Well, it's one of them things, I don't mean to shit on it, but it's really impressive.

It's so impressive. I was hooked. I couldn't stop watching it. It was so impressive. But she's right, they have to get in really quick. It's like watching a school of fish all jumping in I've noticed recently

actually because we went to a swimming gala for our son Robin right oh yeah and then I was watching I think I watched

a couple of clips of some divers on Instagram because I think my phone heard swimming and diving and started playing and stuff

you could tell the really good swimmers at the swimmingimming Gala, they get out of that pool fast as fuck. Yeah. And I think it's because they only swim fast because they pretend something's chasing them. Right.

And when they get to the end, they're still pretending. They're like, I've got to get out or I'll get us. I think that's how they do it. I don't think that's a thing. I think it is. I think swimming makes you really strong. And I think they were just a lot older than Robin.

Yeah. And they could get out really fast. I've told you when I used to swim, man, how mental it was. So did you have to get out really quick? Is that a thing? They would get to one end and jump out. I was like, where are you going to be? At least enjoy the water for a minute.

I didn't get out really quick. There was rules, though. On certain swims, you've got to finish with two hands. You can't just finish with one hand. Breaststroke, you have to finish with two hands or you get disqualified. So if you put one hand on, you get disqualified? Yeah.

What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So strange. Swimming. I used to swim for South Tyneside when I was younger. Don't know if you guys know that. Work abroad. Was this before or after Rhodes?

It was long before Rhodes. I stuck at it a lot longer than I thought I would have because I don't stick at hobbies for very long. No. So, I mean, this is my longest job. Was it something to do with food? It was something to do with food, wasn't it? So, basically...

Cafeteria food and sweets. Well, because you were working so hard, I'd get chips and gravy whenever I wanted. My mum would make us tuna pasta. I could eat it at nine o'clock in the morning. And also, we used to eat cubes of jelly that hadn't been dissolved yet. Yeah, I thought, yeah.

It was great. It was absolutely class. I thought it would have been something like that. Yeah. But I was explaining to you about when you did Garlas and obviously everyone's cheering. So all the mums and dads are watching and everyone's like, come on, get!

And when you're in the water, you can't really hear anything. But when you come up, you can hear it and then you're back in the water. Yeah. Really weird where your head goes to when you're doing them kind of things i can imagine so it's just like yeah

it's and it's chips and gravy dad get in the queue i want ketchup that's like when you when you turn your head to breathe you're shouting your cafe order to your dad chips and gravy smiley faces turkey drummers jelly non-set jelly I said too much

I said too much of a word one hand disqualified that was awesome really odd really odd like

really odd emotions lot of effort to be a good swimmer it really is and that's the thing because everyone's cheering you on you've got to go faster

but you running faster is easier than swimming faster swimming's so hard to swim fast is really really hard yeah fair play

I mean obviously I shat on synchronised swimming because it is largely pointless but very impressive and anyone who can do any kind of competitive swimming fucking animals

beasts the physique on them thank you no no no no no present company accepted never left us I mean you are not in this

you are not in this thank you I'll take that high level Olympian swim lass swim lass oh god here we go

tasting my own medicine and it tastes like unset jelly if you would like to come and see our show bring your beefs tickets are free apply for them

the christened was around to show was the one we were talking about christened was around to show sorry not the two you're just annoyed

that I didn't start with thank you for listening to this episode honestly honestly I don't like change it's for listening to this week's episode honestly honestly I don't like change it's really upsetting it is part of the

ACAS Korean network don't forget that it is and thank you for listening back to that if you want to be on the show it goes where I go

or you want to be in the audience you want to have your beef or the information's on my socials kicking about somewhere we'll start filming check the bio guys

it comes on in May and we'll start filming in May so get involved it'll be lovely to see you there thank you so much I'll be filming in May. So get involved. It'll be lovely to see you there. Thank you so much. I'll be back in the years next week. Bye. Bye.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

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