Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 213. Skip Cap

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

On this week's podcast Chris is feeling itchy and neither he or Rosie can figure out why. Rosie spent an evening at a David Bowie tribute act and reveals her technique for singing along when she doesn't know the words. The beefs are on the dry side and there's a snoring special in QFTP's! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mind Ann with me rosie ramsey and my husband chris ramsay hello chris ramsey here also known as the itchiest man on the planet oh i thought we're

gonna get that later no we're gonna get straight away it's all i can think about i can't think straight i'm fuck is anyone else out there are you being randomly bitten by some kind of insect or mite or bed bug i can't work out where it's from i can't work out where it's happening from but every couple of days i've got a new fresh bite somewhere yeah and i woke up in the middle of the night last night and i was scratching me you hear that yeah that down the mic scratching me beard that's like the bottom that's like me above me adam's apple me beard between my chin and me adam's apple i woke up the middle of the night thank you i woke up in the middle of the night and me Adam's apple I woke up in the middle of the night your chapel thank you

I woke up in the middle of the night me face gooch I woke up in the middle of the night scratching that like a fucking Labrador and I knew this morning there's two big massive dots there I've got one on me left chin

but wait nobody else in the house is getting bitten I don't understand what's happening all I can imagine is I'm absolutely delicious compared to the rest of you clearly

I don't know where it's come from it's doing me nothing I've got two on me I've got two on me right hip listen I'll catalogue them all for you I'm sure you listeners

calm down I'm sure you want this left shin three on me right knee one behind me right knee yeah one two on me left hip

yeah sorry left thigh two on me left hip now three on me chin so you're talking like 12 I don't know what's happening I don't know what's happening. I don't know what they are. I've got antihistamine cream,

that's not doing anything. It says it stops itching, it doesn't stop itching. If I knew where it was happening, that's the most frustrating bit. It's like being punched by a little invisible twat. So we've changed all the bedding.

We've changed all the bedding, we've washed all the bedding. We've got a throw that we've had for a long, long time that we haven't really ever washed. It's not even a throw, is it? It's almost like a sort of self-contained duvet

without a duvet cover. Yeah, but it might be that. But then I would be getting bit as well. Anyway, that's come off. I think I'm just lush. I'm going to chance it. Am I just lush? I must just be lush.

I must taste better. I mean, my first... Are you offended by that? What? That I taste better? No, but obviously my first thought goes to that you're going to some monkey brothel.

Well, yeah, but no. That brothel has a five-star hygiene rating and on trust pilot it's rated sexy is it sexy squeaky clean and sexy right so don't you don't slag me brothel off that is not fair right you know that the women and animals in there are clean. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, I'm joking. No, I've got no idea what it is. We'll work it out. We think it might be the... We've got these little bouncy castle things.

You've got the bouncy castles that we keep outside. And I'm the one who has to put them up and then deflate them. I think it's a lot. I have to belly flop all over them to deflate them. Well, there you go.

But the kids jump all over them and they haven't fucking got any... I've been on it as well, which was a very depressing time. Why? Because I've brought on it as well, which was a very depressing time. Why? Because I've brought the fucker down. Right, so anyone listening, they're like them. They're not...

It was when we moved in the house, the last owner said, oh, we've left a bouncy castle. And I'm expecting just a big inflatable, like almost a pool toy. But it's not. It's got a pump and everything. Oh, it's got like a generator. Yeah, but it's not like one you'd hire from everything but it's not it's got like a generator yeah but it's not like it's not like one

you'd hire from a party it's a couple of levels down from that but yeah Robin says that to me he says can you go on it with us dad and I go yeah no bother

and I stand in the middle and just slowly sink down yeah I went to the top of the slide like I'm doing me recycling I ripped half of the stuff Jesus Christ me and my mum

were laughing my tits off you ripped it I ripped it I ripped the little the window thing the netting on the side yeah Rafe was crying his eyes out my mum was pissed and tits off. You ripped it? I ripped it. I ripped the little window thing. The netting on the side. Yeah, Rafe was crying his eyes out. My mum was pissed and I started laughing.

Brilliant. And I was stuck and I couldn't get up. And then my mum was like, it doesn't do it when I do that. And I'm like, because your three's don't fucking like it than us. All right, all right, rub it in. Oh God, it doesn't do that when I go up there, Rosie.

It's called science, Sandra. It's called physics be a skinny cow I'm so itchy I'm just so itchy constantly I feel like crying I went to the pharmacy for you

though didn't I and bought you the cream hashtag good wife I had to really beg you to go to the pharmacy you actually said

when I said will you go to the pharmacy your actual words were do you really need cream and I said well I need

Savalon I had a little cut on my foot off BJJ well it's because you wanted to go to the pharmacy and the supermarket and I said, well, I need Savalon for I had a little cut on my foot off BGG. Well, it's because you wanted to go to the pharmacy and the supermarket and I said,

that's far too long out of the house. The next door to each other. On your own. And I said, I'll go. Yeah, then yeah. That's the thing, isn't it? That's too long away

from the kids. The next door to each other. I'm still itching. Oh, bless you. I'm just constantly itching. I think they might be on us now but I don't know how to get them off.

Can you get lice in your beard? Do you think it's living in my beard? What? Is it? Do you think, I thought it your beard oh my god what is it do you think I thought it was just like a mosquito do we get mosquitoes here

are you being on a secret holiday are you got you got Bernard's watch and you're stopping time and just going getting do you go

do you go to Spain every night I stop time and I walk to Spain and I stay there for a little while that's how you lost weight pitch black

freezing devastated and I'll walk to Spain and I'll stay there for a little while. That's how you lost weight. Pitch black, freezing, devastated and I'll walk back and I can't unpause time because I'll have disappeared from the house and you'll go, that's further than the pharmacy.

It's too much time away from the kids. But yeah, you didn't want to go to the pharmacy and you were like, do I have to get your cream? And I was like,

yeah, get some antihistamine cream and you're like, oh, can you not just use the Savlon? I was like, the Savlon's out of date. You were like, it'll be fine. I was like, go to the fucking pharmacy, lazy and you're like oh can you not just use the Savlon I was like the Savlon's out of date you were like it'll be fine I was like

go to the fucking pharmacy Lizzy bastard they never go out of date yeah but you know I didn't want to go to the pharmacy because I and I did in the end

but I was like I've got to go to the woman and go my husband's got an insect bite and she'll be like in April

she's really hot it's not it's not it's definitely not hot enough no I'm hot I'm hot or you're hot

right fair enough they mentioned me a mosquito in the room you never know oh Chris honestly I didn't care didn't care last week don't care now

but you're still getting the much is weird so we'll get to the bottom of it what the fuck's going on freaking us out anyway yes thank you for coming

thank you for listening thank you for being here thank you for coming back if you're just joining me where the fuck you been it is episode 213 nice 213

unlucky unlucky for some plus 200 and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor very short one week

very very short one this week you ready yeah short one succinct to the point you ready for this yeah this week's sponsor is

the cinema. Watching a brilliant movie with the worst people in the world. Oh, stop. I love, wait, don't. Fucking fuck everyone

who goes to the cinema. Oh, no. I loved it. You loved it? Right, okay. That's where you got the bite. No, I already had. I already had the one.

I did get a few of them in the cinema because we thought there was some trousers. Guys, it's an ongoing saga we can't we cannot work it out I don't know what's going on any emails to tweet us

tweet us if you're getting bitten to shit I've got to read the emails I can't be arsed with that listen I've rolled a glass tumbler over them they do disappear so don't fucking worry I know everyone does that when you've got a red mark on you which is fair enough now listen I was we went to the cinema to see the new Mario movie yeah

fucking amazing loved it it was very good a bunch of girls sitting across from you sitting three across from you one of them stood up

for the entire film I can see her out the corner of my eyes obviously talking everyone take it as a given they're like ten I know one of them

get them to shut the fuck up then if you know one of them tell me where their parents are now and I'll go and tell them obviously dear listener

take it as read take it as read that every single fucking prick in that cinema was talking every single person was talking

kids kids were talking dickheads which I remember going to see the Titanic the Titanic or just Titanic

whatever it's called and Armageddon and I remember for most of it I was sat on the floor in front of all my mates because there was lads there and I thought I was cool I was a of it, I was sat on the floor in front of all my mates because there was lads there and I thought I was cool.

I was a dick when I was there. You sat on the floor in the cinema? I think so, yeah. You couldn't pay me enough money to sit on the floor

in the cinema? That same cinema, probably the same seat. But just young. Well, they went to the toilets a few times. They went down their steps then they came back

up our steps and walked past us. That was upsetting. One of them stayed standing up. Another person next to me was adding sound effects. I don't know what was going on with that. Screaming and shouting past us. That was upsetting. One of them stayed standing up. Another person next to me was adding sound effects. I don't know what was going on with that. Screaming and shouting

and like fucking doing all kinds. And then everyone was talking. It was horrible. And I've been in the cinema in the past. I tell you when I went to see Men in Black and someone chewed up loads of Haribo and spat them in my hair. What have I told you this i don't think i knew that what happened customs house south shales maybe me and johnny went to see uh men in black and there was a bunch of lads behind us and they

were chewing up harry i just felt something hitting us i thought it was popcorn no i was like turning around and though and it turns out they were chewing up harry bones spitting it into me hair and so i went home on the bus and then me and Johnny had to then go into my house, go upstairs, and shampoo and condition my hair and comb the Haribo out. Why didn't they do it to him? They're missing him, they're just getting me. To be fair, I had longer hair. i shouldn't laugh because that's really bad actually i've just peeled an onion with this story because this was i remember i got in massive massive trouble with my mom um so i'd already seen

men in black i'd already been to see men in black and then i said oh i'm gonna go to the cinema again we're gonna go and see men in black again and my mom was like you're not going to see it again you've already seen it because obviously she had to give his money for the cinema so she's like you're not going to see it again so i was like all right we're going to see the hunchback of notredame because that was on at the same time god help the outcasts i told a fib i've never seen the hunchback of notredame we went to see men in black again right okay which is when i got the harry born which is karma it ain't for lying to your mother but then i had to lie i had to lie and say oh yeah and she was is it good i went yeah she was like what happened i was like oh yeah like magic at

the end i don't know what happens you know i was then at like this daycare thing right this um this like uh summer school thing right at my school and then one day the lady said mom oh are you gonna you know it's two quid or whatever and we're all going to go to the cinema. And she went, my mum, what are they going to see? And she went, oh,

we're going to see The Hunchback of Notre Dame. And my mum went, oh, it's okay, he's already seen it. And I went, no, I haven't.

I went to see Men in Black. Instead, she was like, you lied. And that was it. Oh, no. Turned inside out.

So, just a lying little shit. What have you brought me here? Aren't you? Yeah. Terrible. You haven't told any fibs. Have I haven't?

You tell fibs to your mum. When I was younger? Yeah. Oh my, are you kidding me here yeah terrible you haven't told any fibs have I haven't did you tell fibs to your mum when I was younger yeah are you kidding all the time that's the main fib I remember

what fibs have I told more so when I was older and started drinking have you been drinking no what fibs did I tell

me watch used to always break used to always put me watch back an hour right she'd be like I want you home

by 8 o'clock and then I'd come home at 9 but my watch would say 8 and I'd go mum my watch I did it so many times wow

yeah we had such how old were you at this point probably about 11 see I've told you this we had such different times my mum used to lock the door to stop us coming in

because she used to stay in all the time so I would go out and she would like shut the door and just be like stay out for god's sake just stay out shut up yeah i would just come back i was never like i was never like god you couldn't literally couldn't get me home i know i was the saddest thing i've ever had oh yeah yeah no just because obviously we lived in the street where my mom and dad lived we always used to play sort of

right outside my house so i was like right outside so apparently just came in and out non-stop and she was just like but I was never the kid of like you know be back by this time because she knew I would just be in she knew I would come back in

every 20 minutes I would literally stay out all night I would have stayed in the cemetery till like 1 o'clock in the morning right

easy yeah god did I ever tell you the time when I realised that I would never be able to get away

with smoking ever when I was a kid I was out walking along the street with someone one of the lads who was smoking and I went back home and my mum was sitting at the other end of the living room and I popped my head into the living room to ask if I could get some money to go to the takeaway around the corner

the door had been open three seconds and she just went you've been smoking and I was like I was 20 yards away from her I was like what the fuck so I never ever I thought that is something

I can never ever do did I write it in the book or did I mention it on here what I used to do when I smoked at school gargle piss no was it in the book

or on here I can't remember oh it was something about a garlic plant yeah it was a garlic plant at the bottom of my street on King George Road and I used to literally used to like rub my fingers something about a garlic plant near you. Yeah, there was a garlic plant at the bottom of my street on King George Road and I used to literally,

used to like rub my fingers in this fresh garlic plant, rotten. And I'd go, have you smelt any fingers? And I'd go, no, I've smelt my fingers. And my Kate laughs because she's like, came in from school every day

and ran upstairs and brushed your teeth. And like, that was just, I've had sweets. She's, she's, tell you,

that daughter of ours, she's either been smoking or sucking someone off because no one brushes their teeth that fucking regularly I love the idea I love the garlic thing have we discussed the garlic thing

I just love the idea I can't remember if it's in the book or in the tin let's smell your fingers let's smell your fingers you've been smoking mum I've been making pasta arrabbiata

I told you smell me fingers after school Chloe I've been making garlic dough balls I told you this in the bus stop in the bus stop we make garlic

dough balls in the bus stop. Don't be tight on the white. Jingle? Yeah, jingle. Jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle.

Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle, jingle, so this is the jingle, jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed. Hope you're well, whatever you're up to, working, whether you're off, whether you're cleaning your kitchen. Hope you're out of it, or running, you know,'re average or running you know there's always runners there is always runners there is always runners

and remember you've got to put your little map on Facebook after you did your run or it doesn't count it doesn't count you've got to show everyone where you went haven't you

got to count up them steps got to show them all oh jump straight in your ice bath afterwards video it or it didn't happen I still haven't given in

by the way to ice baths did I tell you someone tweeted straight away going I can't wait until Chris inevitably gets an ice bath and starts banging on it no you haven't had one yet have I still haven't given in by the way to ice baths. Did I tell you someone tweeted straight away going I can't wait until Chris inevitably gets an ice bath and starts banging on it. No you haven't had one yet

have you? Still haven't given in. No still haven't given in. I get it. I do get it and I get why it must be nice. I still haven't been

for my cold water swims because I'm a bullshit. You bought the big coat though didn't you? Mate I bought all this stuff. I bought a long sleeve bloody outdoor sort of like swimming

costume um it does look really good actually did they put on like that um you had a big jacket and i bought the big coat um smokers jacket which is towel lined on the inside yeah yeah yeah never been once have you never been i think i just prefer being hot well i know the whole ice bath thing it is just it's basically it's more mind over matter it's more like putting yourself in a horrible situation and basically sort of i don't know what the health benefits are there's a lot of people say there isn't any actual health benefits but you know there probably is you know recovery for muscles and swelling down and all of that if you've been doing like you know mma but i think it's more about just putting yourself into a

horrendous horrendous situation and battling through it and going I'm going to stay here for five minutes and just mind over matter and coming out

thinking I survived that make sure it's only five minutes my mum told me that apparently your tiddler falls off doesn't it probably I think someone's actually

damaged themselves because they've stayed in too long of course they have yeah it's always this always happens with the world something comes out and people go this is good for you and someone goes okay i'll do it for nine hours no not do it for two and nope too late i'm dead yeah i think

if you're staying if you're staying too long it's too much too much for your body it's the same with everything it shuts down yeah an apple a day keeps the doctor away have 20 you're gonna have some bowel issues so your fucking teeth are gonna to fall out it's always the same everything it's moderation isn't it Robin said something the other day Robin was like can everything kill you

I was like enough of everything can kill you he comes out with some fucking blind little question enough of everything can wallop you yeah

it's mental it's absolutely nuts too much water can kill you too much water can kill you my god yeah it's crazy I don't know what air

can too much air kill you maybe if you just breathe just pure oxygen it gives you. Yeah. It's crazy. I don't know about air. Can too much air kill you? Maybe if you just breathe just pure oxygen for ages. Probably. It gives you lightheadedness, doesn't it? Yeah. I don't know.

Ugh. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. In lighter news, I went to see... No, keep it dark. No, no. I don't want to hear any lighter news. Keep it dark.

Keep it down in the depths. Look, it's Easter holidays. I'm absolutely sick, right? Sick of everything. Sick of you. You across there. Oh, me? I'm sick of you? Are you kidding me? Sick of me? Sick of you. You across there. Oh, me? I'm sick of you?

Are you kidding me? Sick of me? Don't you dare try and get in with the sick of me first. I'm fucking sick of you. I'm not really. Come on, get your life in order. No, you'd never be sick of me. You could literally spend every waking minute with me.

Yeah. You could, couldn't you? Well, you know. Yeah. Probably. I like it. I like you too, but it's a lot, innit? Yeah.

Keep it light, how are you? What's your next book? Right, so my next thing is, it's a lot in it keep it light what's your next one right so my next thing is it's got me a little naughtier went to see a David Bowie tribute with my dad the other night

it was so nice he was so canny my dad who my dad not the guy the David Bowie guy I mean he might be canny

he's from Seaham it was just so canny to watch my dad just absolutely buzzing really irritating whenever he heard the beginning of the song he lent in and told us what the title was.

Oh, God. Like, I just, you know, and you're like, oh, yeah. Every time. Every time. I can't even tell you because I knew three songs, right? And I didn't know any of the words. And I had to pretend to know the words to things because everybody there was a fan except me.

Yeah. Okay. So I hate, I'm so ashamed to say but i did the one two three four five six seven eight nine ten trick to a lot of the songs just so i didn't look like a dick what's that trick you just you count numbers to songs and it makes like it makes you look like you know the words right it's a it's a stage trick uh this is the first time hearing about this and I am Mr Showbiz so say if I was singing Raindrops on Roses

I'd go 7 5 so like 6 9 12 13 85 and 4 and then 3 and then 7 and when I do this I look like I know the words, well it's just numbers right so you just say numbers so you just kind of mouth numbers and it makes it your mouth's moving and it makes it look like you know the words it's just numbers right it's just numbers yeah so you just say numbers so you just kind of mouth numbers and it makes it your mouth's moving and it makes it look like you know the words

sorry you what how fucking hell i've got issue with you right you go on you said today about being really laid back and now and then you always go i'm getting i'm dead laid back you're fucking not you're not laid back right you're You're caught, our catastrophize and you catastrophize almost worse than me sometimes, right? But you claim that you don't. Only since I met you, actually. Only since I met you. Oh, yeah, yeah. Put it all on me.

You claim that you don't. But in what world did you think we're going to like, just go, hold on, stop it. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Can we put the house lights on, please? Can we put the house lights on? D14. She, she doesn't know the word. Everyone, look at D14 Chris I'm not taking the piss

that might have been my seat that woman doesn't know the words what world are they going to do

someone's going to turn to you look at you not singing that might be my seat you know I'm not even

taking the piss stop changing the subject no I'm just telling you no so I just felt a bit of a dick because everyone

there I was the youngest one there by a mile they all knew the words I just felt like a bit of a I felt felt a bit of a dick because everyone there, I was the youngest one there by a mile. Yeah. They all knew the words. Yeah. I just felt like a bit of a,

I felt like a fraud. But you were just there enjoying it with someone else. But then I knew a couple of them. Rosie, how do you think people feel? Something still, I don't even know the fucking one.

Major Tom. Fucking hell. Ground control to Major Tom. Yeah. That was the only one I knew but I didn't even know the words. Yeah. And I just wanted to be

in the gang well that's fine so I mouthed listen I mouthed some of them words that I didn't know but yeah when my dad kept leaving

some people come to our because some people drag people who don't listen to the podcast to our live shows can you imagine what that must be like can you imagine

on the first tour when we're all singing let's talk about shit well no actually Chris because if you want to come to the tour and you don't listen to the podcast it's very inclusive

and you can come yes but no man I'm just saying and I'm saying that's a great thing that they come like I just look like

yeah but I think to enjoy a pop concert or a concert in general you have to know some of their songs right surely yeah but

anyway my question was nothing to do with this Mouthing the Words that's just my little thing alright or not Mouthing the, as a case might be. I mean, I would love to have seen it because I definitely had three, four glasses of wine.

Do you know what my favourite David Bowie song is? Do you know what my favourite David Bowie song is? What is it? I'll probably know it. It's 546783 off the 11259 album. Yeah, that's a good one. It's a good one. It got me thinking, right? So when was Bowie big?

So he's 70s, 80s. I mean, he had a phenomenal career. He's had a great career, right? 70s, 80s,

90s. Didn't do the one off the labyrinth, fucking raging. Not that one. Okay, they're always walking upside down in that.

Yeah, when my dad was kicking off, he's like, I thought he might have done more of the 70s ones. I was like, dad, for God's sake.

With a back catalogue like David Bowie's, you can't expect a fucking tribute act to knock out all the hits yeah crazy i was just sitting watching and i was just like what are the tribute bands going to be like when we are my dad's age oh god yeah like am i gonna watch a five tribute band like i would absolutely it'll be five it'll just be five they'll do it themselves they'll just do a reunion oh yeah I think they have done reunions I think they have to be

okay well let's think of a who we're gonna watch you're gonna have Adele you're gonna have Adele ones you're gonna have Ed Sheeran ones yeah yeah just massive

you can be Ed Sheeran ones you can be little dudes little dudes with guitars it's just gonna be weird yeah little dudes with guitars but with us us watching them so it's like that's the thing I dudes with guitars but we're just watching them

so it's like that's the thing i think it's because they're alive right now that i'm like so that i'm it's weird but we are so if we go and see an ed sheeran tribute somewhere in a social club when we're in we're 70s right are we gonna be watching a little boy with a guitar or is it gonna be a 70 year old bloke with a ginger wig on it's going to be that it's going to be that because it's going to have they're going to have to know all of the songs of course it's going to have to be

someone who experienced the young lad with the guitar will be singing all of the young songs right of course so it's going to be someone someone our age

a 70 odd year old bloke horrendous it's going to be awful thinking out loud thinking out loud it's just called talking yourself at our age mate

thinking out loud with the pedal and that wow oh it's gonna be horrible yeah he was good though the tribute I mean I love a tribute act

it's just weird because I feel like all the big tribute acts like the Abba's the David Bowie's and all that it's just got us thinking who we're gonna watch

but yeah you're right it'll be it'll be the big ones it'll be cool I'll go see them is this another thing you're looking forward to being old who's that I'm looking forward to being old you're always looking forward to being old you told me the idea that you were looking Bydd y rhain fawr yn dda. Bydd yn hwyl. Fe wna i fynd i weld nhw. Ydy hynny'n un peth wyt ti'n edrych ar ei fod yn hodd?

Beth dwi'n dweud? Dwi'n edrych ar ei fod yn hodd? Dwi'n alw i'n edrych ar ei fod yn hodd. Fe wnaethoch chi ddweud wrth i mi fod yn edrych ar ei fod yn hodd ac roeddech chi'n rhywle ac roedd y dynion hwnnw'n gweithio â nhw ac fe wnaethoch chi ymuno â nhw ac roeddech chi'n dweud, roedd gen i ddynion gwych a ddynion gwych gyda nhw. Rwy'n wir yn edrych ar eu bod yn hodd. Oherwydd gallwch chi ddod i ffwrdd â phwynau. Ie.

Gallwch chi ddod i ffwrdd â phwynau. Rwy'n dweud, rydych chi ddwnt eisiau peidio â gwneud unrhyw beth a ddim yn cael blant ifanc yn edrych arno. Rwy'n ar y steg hwnnw. Dwi'n ddim yn gwneud sgwrs. Mae'n wirioneddol anodd. Ie. Yeah. There's a David Bowie song about this actually. What is it? It's called 1111457.

It's called 999. No, you've took me words out of context there. I think the problem is because you know when everyone goes, you'll miss this. Yeah.

You'll miss this. Yeah. I don't think they're talking about two-year-olds. No, two-year-olds are awesome. They're talking about like five upwards. Yeah, yeah. That's the age you'll miss. Robin's amazing now think they're talking about two year olds no two year olds are awesome they're talking about like five upwards yeah yeah that's the age you'll miss

Robin's amazing now I've seen the Jet 2 advert yeah right when we're looking for holidays the Jet 2 advert and the kids are like nine and seven yeah and I was like that's what you miss

is that the one with the really excited little girl on I don't know she keeps turning up the camera it's like they do the hand thing so the camera's got the hand okay and she's turning around grabbing the hand she's turning around she's like buzzing about at the camera it's like they do the hand thing so the camera's got the hand and she's turning around grabbing the hand she's turning around

she's like buzzing about absolutely everything it's like false advertising that if that kid hasn't asked for her iPad at least once on that advert

this is bullshit bullshit can I have a potato potato what year is it don't do potatoes anymore change it into euros you loser

babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef beef beef Easter special beef Easter special beefster special

it's not really what's your beef okay my beef with you because we nearly didn't have beef this week did we we didn't but then

I just remember that in my notes it could be your beef it's just about you but it could be definitely beef you Christopher Ramsey that's me you constantly complain I just remembered that in my notes, it could be a beef. It's just about you, but it could be. Definitely be a beef. You, Christopher Ramsey.

That's me. You constantly complain about having dry skin. About how my hands are so dry. My legs are so dry. Look at this cut on my foot that I get all the time because my feet are so dry. You never moisturise. I moisturise every day. So are you not just greasy all the time?

Can you touch stuff can you do things it dries yes because I put moisturiser on my hands and I feel like I've literally been

dipping my hands in fucking olive oil and I just have to stand there just being devastated I've seen it it's horrible but what about the rest of your body though

why don't you put moisturiser on your feet then put your socks on what the hell I'll be four months of health and safety nightmare. I'll be falling all over. It's absolutely not.

It dries, I swear to God. No. Stop moaning about being dry all the time and that you've got your cuts and that and that you're so dry. I'm so dry. Two of me toes literally, they come away from me first.

Exactly, but if you moisturise that wouldn't happen. I don't believe that. It's so true. No, I don't think I believe that. I don't believe. I don't know how men, how so true. No, I don't think I believe that. I don't. I don't know how men, how do you skin? What happens to you?

What do you mean? Like, just so many blokes don't moisturise. I moisturise my face. I do moisturise my face. It took us years to get on board and moisturise my face. Fucking hated it. I felt like I'd headbutted a kebab the first time I put moisturiser on. But your skin.

Oh, you feel awful. The skin on your face is the same as the skin on your body so that needs moisture as well right buy a body moisturiser I've got about

six of them I don't so I've got to like fucking butter myself up like you know when you're on holiday and you put suntan lotion on oh god

it's the worst part of a holiday what is this what have I got to do this for just to just to maintain your skin I don't want to do that. Oh, God.

So weird. Men are so weird. That's the thing, though. You were downstairs, and it's like, should we go to bed? Yeah, time to go to bed. I go brush my teeth,

climb in bed, I'm done. 45 minutes later, you roll into the fucking room, smelling of all kinds of potions and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lifestyle. It's horrendous. Do you think I enjoy doing it? Do you think i enjoy taking makeup off every night and bloody creaming and lashing myself up for bed

i hate it but i don't want to i don't want to age you know quickly right okay no i don't know i'm not it's the feel of moisturiser i'm not on board with it well then stop whinging that you're dry well no because i am dry i've got dry i're dry. Well, no, because I am dry. I've got dry knuckles. I'm dry. I've got dry knuckles. Oh, you're dry. I... Here's yourself.

I... I'll sandpaper my crotch over here. Ah! Take that back. That's probably the most offensive thing you've ever said to me I'm not dry

I'm still I can still get wet like the rest of them don't you dare don't you put me in that dry category yet that was totally joking is that a diss

to call someone dry I think it's just because when you get older I'm very aware that you just it's hard to get wet I don't know why though right I don't know what happens I don't know why, though.

Right. I don't know what happens. I don't know. God, isn't it so shit being a woman? I mean... Vaginas actually dry out. Like, they dry out. Like, what the fuck? Like a sandwich left on the bench in the sun.

Basically, yeah. Like a sun-dried tomato in Spain. Oh, God almighty. Just fucking dry. Ironically, sun-dried tomatoes are the oiliest bastards in the world. I think they've had stuff added to them. Right, okay. But they're not very dry.

They're oily as fuck. Okay, well, there you go. That's what I feel like. That's what I feel like when I've put any bit of moisture, the tiniest bit of moisturiser on the back of one of my hands, I feel like a sun-dried tomato flopping and squirming and slithering around the house. That's how I can describe it. I don't like doing it stop it i don't give a shit just stop whinging him stop showing us you get open wounds in that put some

moisturiser on i feel like if i show you what do you think i'm tough oh no i don't i think you're a dick who needs a moisturiser what's your beef with me my beef with you is now i wrote this i went back through my beefs because i didn't have i didn't have a more recent one um because i've been a joy no because you've actually been further than a joy like awful to the point of where but we can't talk on the podcast because we might end up genuinely arguing um so there's some things we've had there we've had there um what do you call it like flag and just put aside until we're okay with i've got really bad pms yeah i do take a lot of responsibility for that all Living with a fucking nuclear warhead. Well, listen, I'm going to...

I mean, I don't know why we're telling this on the podcast, but I'm going to ring the doctors because I might have to go on a pill or something. I'm going to ring the doctors. You might get out with getting a vasectomy, you know. Well, that has been the long plan. That has been the long game. Yeah.

My hormones are just out of control at the minute. And I know they are. I'm going to address it. Living with a very, very angry person. Yeah. I'm not at the minute and I know they are I'm going to address it I'm a very angry person I'm not at the minute though the last day has been great lovely no one used to say and breathe

I'm like and bleed lovely brilliant so a while ago I wrote in my phone that you basically, Rafe gets bathed on a night and then I give him to you brilliant so a while ago I wrote in my phone that you basically Rafe gets bathed on a night

and then I give him to you and then you basically sit with him on your knee and tell me to do a load of things because yeah

why well you're like get his nappy get his toothbrush why though do him some Weetabix get him a drink of milk why do I do that

where's his suit of cream here's the towel he's got his pyjamas where's his sleep suit I'll tell you why you do that you do that because if you get up and start doing all that stuff

he starts crying he literally holds onto me leg yeah on a night he's not that bad anymore he is tell the truth

are you still dining out on yeah there we go I've baited you into it right he's not as bad

he's a big fan he's a big fan of daddy at the minute and I could actually he could sit and watch a telly quite happily and you could get up and do a few things

but you seem to have just fallen into the the groove of I'll sit here like fucking jab at the hut that's a horrible that was nothing

to do about your size it was about to do more about the fact that he doesn't move he just stays on his little new about your size it was about to do more about the fact that he doesn't move he just stays on his little plinth right it was nothing to do

with that I okay someone else then I didn't mean Jabba the it's more that he doesn't move

just sits there and like and just gets people to do stuff and let me run around and I think now you could probably pitch in as well

but still there's me running around cereal And I think now, you could probably pitch in as well. Right. But still, there's me running around, cereal, toast, fucking milk. Oh my God. All of it. Like, seriously? It's not that big a deal. It's not that big a deal.

I will happily do it. Okay. Tonight's nice. To be honest with you, I'd do it better. You're claiming you'd make it better. We have exactly... Well, I don't understand.

So you're saying that I have to... Why do I have to ask for everything? The routine is the same every single night. It's been the same for two years. Why don't understand. So you're saying that I have to, why do I have to ask for everything? The routine is the same every single night. It's been the same for two years. Why don't you just bring him down, team me, and why don't you just go and grab his nappy, his llamas, his sleeping bag, a drink of milk and some cereal?

Why don't you just go grab all of them things at the same time? Why do I have to ask for them still? Not an octopus. Not an octopus. It's ridiculous. Can't grab all them. And two, I'm always trying to get out of it.

Have a little sit down. Why though? Just do it. I'm tired, man. I'm fucking tired, mate. Sick of it. Tired. Right?

Well done. So there you go. Genuinely, sorry. The Jabba the Hutt thing just came out. I'm really sorry about that. I know. Really not cool. Apologies. Apologies.

This Friday. You must be very careful know. Apologies. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.66 is the mark of the devil movie of the year it's not real

it's not real it's not real who said that? The First Omen in theaters Friday get tickets now will you rise with the sun to help change

mental health care forever? join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for CAMH the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock

hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for Questions from the Public. Questions from the Public.

Public. As always, if you want to get in touch, shagmoudanoid at gmail.com. Rosemary, what do you have for us? Oh, full name. Thank you very much. Hi, guys. Hope you are well. After just listening to episode 124 regarding the midwife walking in on a guy licking out

his missus during labour, I... Ah, that classic. That was a while ago. Yeah, that was a while ago. I'd actually forgotten classic. That was a while ago. Yeah, that was a while ago. That was a long time ago. I thought, after hearing how grossed out Chris was about the fluids the chap was covered in,

I thought I'd send you in this little story about how I got my name. Wow. My mother was quite unwell when she was in labour with me, unfortunately. Right. Quite a chesty cough,

runny nose, et cetera, et cetera. Oh, gosh gosh after a contraction my mother had a bit of a coughing fit and a large globule globule globule

phenomenal word good word of mucus came flying out of her mouth and somehow went into the midwife's mouth while she was telling

my mother to breathe the midwife swallowed stop stop oh my god my mother to breathe. The midwife swallowed. Stop! Oh my god! As if you thought you could just keep breathing. Fucking, that is my worst nightmare.

That is my genuine worst nightmare. Okay, would you rather? Oh god. Would you rather? Lick me out just after I'd given a natural birth? Oh. All right. Or the unnatural birth.

Right. Still going to be very grimy down there. Oh, God. Or would you rather that a stranger phlegmed in your mouth? Yeah, first one.

It would have to be the first one because I know you. You would do the first one. I'm not getting a stranger phlegming in my mouth. For real? I'm not getting

a pregnant stranger just direct hit in my mouth yeah oh no oh god oh jesus christ um do you not remember all of the stuff that comes like the smeg man that's literally around the baby's head yeah but you didn't put a time limit on it what do you mean i mean you didn't put a time limit on what i have to do i'd literally just go and I'm done and I just went mouthwash wash my face dentist set myself on fire do you know what I mean

just a quick and then done sexy so hang on so I went and the midwife washed her and the midwife

swallowed and then looked absolutely mortified and ran out of the room to be sick no doubt. When she came back in, my mother, by way of apology, said she would name her baby after her.

So that's how I got my name. I'm named Moira Hindley. I'm named after a midwife who swallowed my mother's mucus during labour poor midwife what's her name Moira Hindley

I didn't mean it she'll have had to check that name you wouldn't do that name me baby after you Edwina sorry to any Edwinas listening that's why I picked the killer Sorry to any Edwina's listening Oh god That's why I picked

That's why I picked the killer Yeah Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah Hi Rosie and Chris I was reminiscing with my friend About the night out we used to have When we were younger When she reminded me of this story

We were in the queue For the toilets at a club It was about 2am So you can imagine the condition They were in by now Oh god yeah One of the stalls nearest us opened and two girls walked out, one of them crying.

Right. She said that she'd dropped her phone in the toilet and that it had stopped working. We were pretty drunk, so we started to console her. I totally get this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I remember when you famously gave that crying girl whose dress had snapped a brand new cardigan.

And she obviously just left. She never tried to give me that back. No, because she couldn't have a night out because her dress was fucked. But why didn't you take it back to the bar? Because you gave her it. I wish I'd never give her it. It was really nice. Where was she going to go?

It's not like have that for a bit. You gave her it to have for the night out. Yeah. You're a silly sausage. I know I'll never forget that oh man it was such a nice cardigan

quite expensive as well like back then when I very much used to shop at Primark this possibly was like a River Island one yeah

do you know what I mean good 35 foot anyway so we were pretty drunk so we started to console her telling her to pop it in rice when she got home and it would suck all the water out of it.

And piss. Yeah. Not sure how true that is, but that's a normal go-to solution. I have riced a lot of my phones in my day. It does. Really? Yeah, for real. Oh, wow.

Oh, my God, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you've obviously gone too far. Good grief. It's worked for me loads. Wow. So you buy it, egg fried rice, from the Chinese stateway, and you just put your phone in, and then how long have you got to leave it for?

Are you... I'm joking, I'm lying. Yeah, it's dry rice. Wow. Anyway, we're not sure if she misunderstood what we were saying because she proceeded to suck the toilet water out of the bottom of her phone

where the charger hole was. We did stop her after we got over the initial shock but it was the grimmest thing we'd ever seen and I really hope she didn't get off

with any poor lads after that. Oh my god. Or lasses. Sucking toilet water out of your phone. Not good is it? How important

is that phone? Very important. Oh my God. Kids nowadays love the phones. I've got an Insta video half uploaded. Horrible, that like.

Oh, stranger toilet water piss. Yeah. Yak. Dear Chris and Rosie, enclosed in this email are three videos of my annoying as fuck boyfriend. For the past five nights now, he's been snoring like this and only last night shut the fuck up. Finally.

Now, the only difference last night was he had no beer. Yes, he's a borderline alcoholic. Aren't we all? Although, he's saying it's because he changed his pillow, which I think is total crap. So, do you want to hear this guy snoring? Is it worse than mine?

I don't know. I don't know. Right. But it's a bit weird that I've now saved them from my phone and I've got a random man snoring on my computer. I think that's great.

But I just thought let's have a little listen, eh? Okay. I think it's about the same as yours. You ready? Yeah. I think it's about the same as yours Ready? Yeah Not too bad is it? Wow

What's the outside noise? It's the rain in the background as well Oh right I thought that was a fucking train So she sent three of them That's the first one The second one's pretty much the same This one I feel like He's just about to wake up

Right Or he's dying Listen she got a fright and started her phone didn't she what's happened to him she got a fright and started her phone what's happened to him oh god that's amazing

wow got another one really got a few okay another person yeah so listen to this hi Rosie and Chris

can't wait to see you in Cardiff in November with my girlfriend whose snoring is featured. Please get me anonymous. Please find attached to the snoring which buzzed particularly loud

after a few beers on an all-inclusive holiday. Nice to have a female snorer can I just say. This is getting very man-hatery of the snoring. I voice noted her these clips of her snoring

because I wanted some proper sympathy for having to try and sleep through it. Also, didn't Chris once have a sketch about how snoring is like someone yelling, I'm having a really good sleep? Yeah.

If I've mixed that up with another comedian, maybe skip this bit. No, no, no. It was an actual, it was a viral tweet is what that was. Yeah. Okay. So this is the girlfriend snoring.

Yeah. Are you ready? I'm ready. It's a lot more delicate. I don't think that's anywhere near as bad. it's annoyingly not as bad as the fella. Nowhere near,

nowhere near, right, okay. Well, hang on, I've got another one as well. After talking about Chris snoring this week,

I thought I would share this soundbite from last week. Our one-and-a-half-year-old had ended up in our bed at two in the morning. After eventually convincing her to sleep, I was lying there trying to get back to sleep, and she starts to snore, getting louder. But what you can also hear in the background is her dad, who decided to roll to his back in our little double bed

and join in with her snoring. Needless to say, very little sleep was had by me in my other half and daughter slept soundly through the night, both looking refreshed

while I looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. So you've had boyfriend, girlfriend, and now this is the one and a half year old

daughter and the dad. Fantastic. Which I can totally relate to because when Robin's in our bed and sometimes Rafe and yous are all knocking out the snows yeah i want to die so i think this is the worst one are you ready okay okay okay i wonder if they're doing it in tandem stereo or sort of like you know like row row your boat so the dad's in the background you're gonna have to try and

listen to that but the daughter's in the background. You're going to have to try and listen to that. But the daughter's in the forefront. Ready? Yeah. What is that? They're doing it like Row, row, row your boat They're doing it like Merrily, merrily, merrily Merrily, merrily, merrily It's how I imagine bears sleep in the woods

They're doing it they're doing it they're doing it in tandem so like she when he's up she's down and when she oh perfect

that is the they have somehow managed to make it the most continuous amount of noise the most unbroken noise it's because kids breathe

and it's because they've got some molar lungs they breathe really fast but he's obviously like you know a fully grown adult he's like

as he sort of troughs she she's peeking and troughing. Oh, fucking great. Feel for you. So that's the snoring. We got sent a few snoring this week. I thought I'd share with you. So let's just say here, objectively, the man and the daughter were pretty good.

The guy on his own was brilliant. The girlfriend was all right. Yeah, yeah. So would you say that men are better at snoring than women it's not a competition I would say I would say

I would say is all wow yeah something like men well done congratulations are better at than women have a little handshake

I can't reach your hands since I put them on your desk on good game hey well done fellas we did it we finally did it.

She's admitted it. We are better at snoring. Hey, lads, go out into the world and snore your tits off. Couple of beers lie on your back. Round of applause. Go on, you warthogs here. Well done. Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about shit, baby.

Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that may be. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shag married and shit. Yes, mate.

Well done. Oh, that harmony was beautiful. Well done. I am Ed Sheeran. yes mate yeah well done oh that harmony was beautiful well done I am Ed Sheeran so you'll be Ed Sheeran's tribute act

I'll be there all I've got to do is learn how to sing learn the guitar and die your head I already know the words of most of the songs

so yeah hey Rosie and Chris this is a story I've thought about sharing with you guys but after listening to episode 196 with the woman who hates shit stories, but then proceeded to tell her tale of crapping herself in a tanning salon,

I thought, why not? Do you remember that? I remember that. It's a shit story. It's disgusting. By the way, I shat all over the sunbeds. Pick a lane, love. Pick a fucking lane.

I work for Royal Mail. Right. And this happened at an old office of mine okay when you are out on a round sorry is this derogatory are we gonna get in trouble here i don't think so okay no it's very much the shame should live with the guy sending this in okay so if later on in the story actually i don't know i don't know what's next yeah if later on the story we realize that this is derogatory the company that this person works for, there will be a moment where Rosie says,

I work for, and there'll be a second of silence. That's because we'll quickly edit out the name. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Oh, tricks of the trade. I don't want to get sued. I don't want to get sued. I don't want to get sued. Right, okay.

This happened in an old office of mine. When you are out on a round, one of the first things you need to figure out is where your toilet stops are. Right. Tricks of the trade. I've often thought of that as a postman, like where you're shitting and pissing. Yeah, or post lady.

Thank you very much. Oh, sorry. God, you are stuck in the dark ages, aren't you? Al, listen, keep up with me. Postperson. Here I come. Postperson. We're learning, aren't we, darling?

Postperson. What about dogs, though? What about dogs that send letters? Oh. Post being. Post being. Post person. We're learning, aren't we, darling? We're learning. Post person. What about dogs, though? What about dogs that send letters? Oh. Post being. Post being. Post being. This usually isn't an issue when you are delivering in a town or a city,

but when you are in a rural area, things can get dicey. Right, yes. All right. This is exciting. One round I used to do was based in three villages. Not one, not two, but three villages. Thrice village ice. Yeah.

The only toilet stop was a pub in the final village. I'll get to on the round. I'd get to on the round. Yeah, yeah, the final one. However, that was closed on Mondays. Oh. I'd gotten on well with a number of the locals who I'd imagined would be fine with me using their toilets.

Yeah, that wouldn't be a plan. Yeah, we're... No offence. Don't come knocking on our door to piss. Sorry. If we don't know you. Oh, has that been posted yet? Can you have a shot at my toilet?

Absolutely not. Be on your way. So we had that in there. Would we let the male guy? Yeah, I would. Or lady. Well, I was his a guy, so... Or lady.

What are you going to do? Oh, well, listen. No. So if a lady rocks up one... You're oh well listen no so if a lady rocks up you're totally doing this wrong if a lady rocks up one day I'd go you're new

right you can't shit in my toilet but the guy why why but the guy who I know a bit better prove yourself

listen you hold that shit in for another six months of uninterrupted postage and I might let you shit in my toilet just left the elastic band on them, let us. Yeah.

I like it when you get a free elastic band. I bloody love it. So hang on. So he's imagining that all of the, that most of them would let him use the lid. Yeah. However, sometimes you get a movement coming and you just know that you can't subject anyone else to it.

Oh, God. Oh, gosh. Oh, rumbler. Yeah. So as it happens, it's a Monday, and I reach my second village, and I feel like I need to go. Oh, gosh.

I don't want to ask anyone to do the dirty deed in their home. It's a 15-minute drive back to the office, and I have about an hour left, so I feel I might as well clench and soldier on. Yeah, and it's also one of them jobs that you've got a lot of walking. A lot of walking there. I know. It's not like you jobs that you've got a lot of walking, a lot of walking there. I know. It's not like you can sit still.

It's such a tricky, honestly, if I was a post lady person, I'd just have a little potty. A big nappy. I'd have a potty in the back of the van. You'd just wear a big post nappy. No.

I would, I'd have a big post nappy made out of like, like one of the jiffy envelopes. Oh no, with the bubbles, with the bubble wrap. Yeah, yeah, and I'll just shit myself and walk. Horrendous. You're disgusting.

No, I'd have some sort of potty device. In your van. Like builders and that. Right. I believe they have a bucket. Well, then maybe they'll just have a bucket. Yeah, good. As I'm delivering through the village,

the need grows. And I can tell that this isn't going to be a solid one either. Oh, my word. How do you know that? I don't know. Do you know that? It's one of the ones where you're doing it that this isn't going to be a solid one either jesus how do you know that do you know it's one of the ones where you're doing it fought in it it's one of the ones where you're absolutely doing it fought yeah come on then as i reach the end of the village and i don't know about you listening i am imagining the village is like postman pat's yes lovely

yeah in in my mind they're about uh they're about to destroy a beautiful beautiful bit of the british countryside in my opinion yeah um i reached beautiful bit of the British countryside, in my opinion. I reach the end of the village. I can't take any more. It's banging at the door and I have no option. I've left it too late to head back. I have to go. What have they done?

I was approaching a place in the village that I knew there would be no passers-by. The residents were never home during weekdays and next door was vacant. They know this village really fucking well. pass us by. The residents were never home during weekdays and next door was vacant. He knows this village really fucking well. So, the residents are never home during the week. Obviously got a very good job. And the next door was vacant. I looked around the

garden for options. I didn't want to go close to the house in case of CCTV or a risk of discovery. So for some reason, I decided the best course of action... Do you want to guess? No. I don't know. I decided the best course of action

was to squat over their pond. Oh, for fuck's sake, no! Don't do it in the corner! Don't shit in their pond! What the hell? I figured it would be disguised amongst the already murky looking water. They are pretty dirty.

Oh, God. Oh, no, man. Just fucking do it in the grass and kick it in. Do it in some soil and kick some soil over it. Like a dog? Yes.

Like a dog? Yes, exactly like a fucking dog. Not into a pond where it's going to float and disintegrate. Oh, you dirty, dirt on the Queen's postal route as well stop it good grief the relief was instant and i luckily had a number of the something for you cards to use when we can't deliver parcels in my pocket oh the cards

to use as i said that totally wrong uh to use as makeshift toilet paper. We've missed you, Cods. Yeah. And mopped up the rest of the mess with my underwear, which I then shoved with the Cods into the general waste. Oh, my God, you toyed it in the bin. Over the next few days, I felt a great shame at the event, but figured I'd gotten away with it without anyone noticing. Got away with that for a couple of days.

Got over it, did you? For a couple of days, I felt bad shitting in their pond, but by Saturday, I felt quite justified that I defecated in their water feature. I think after you've had a couple of more shits, you sort of forget that shit, don't you? It's horrible, that like. That was until a couple of weeks later,

when in passing from someone else I had heard, it was quite the village scandal that someone had pooed in their pond. If you want to poo in a pond, you better do it in the big city where people don't chat. If you're going to shit in a pond, don't be doing it anywhere where they've got a local

community going on. Nowhere with a WhatsApp group. I mustered up a how disgusting, who would do that before rushing off back to my van to die in embarrassment. Because I walk around, I'm now the person they have to get. They elected me to keep an eye out for the phantom shitter.

For a long time after that, I felt the fear of death every time I went to that property to deliver, especially when they were in. I can't help but wonder what they must have thought when they found out. How they found out? Do they think they were targeted? Were they't help but wonder what they must have thought when they found out. How they found out. Do they think they were targeted? Were they sure it was a human? Do foxes shit in ponds? That's it.

And that's it. How did they know? That's the thing. How did they know? There must have been bits of shit floating in there. There must have been, because, you know, it's never all liquid, is it? There must have been bits of actual shit floating in the pond. They must have went out to feed the fish i'll check on their frogs but yeah i might have gone to the top some people really do look after their ponds horrendous that imagine though finding human shit in your pond you just be like why has this happened

sorry some people really do look after their ponds chris they can they can tell if you're shatting them and everything some Some people really do. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, brilliant. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. That story just reminded me, though. Did you know when I went through my indie boy phase? I didn't know you then, but I do, yeah. Yeah. Me and my mate used to...

Can you remember the... Shit and bonds. Can you remember the red elastic bands that the postman used to use, or woman, used to use that they had around the letters and stuff? The red ones. I used to see them on the floor all the time, used to drop them, the red elastic bands that the postman used to use, or woman, used to use that they had around the letters and stuff. The red ones. You used to see them on the floor all the time. You used to drop them.

Red elastic bands. All right, okay. Me and my mate used to wear them on my wrists on nights out. Oh. Red elastic band. Eek! Eek! Why?

That was so cruel. Why? What, that you found on the floor from the... Yeah, yeah. Red elastic band around your wrist. Yeah. Eek! Then, I remember one night... That is so...

That's so... rotten. Like, I don't know why... Leather jacket. So, picture this, right? Picture this. Picture this. Just off the floor?

Just picture this. I'm getting ready for night. You're going to see me in the pub, right? You're going to see me in the pub. I mean, probably not, because we're not going to the same pubs, because you're all going to play horrible, chavvy dance music. Pop world. No, I used to go pop world. Yeah, you're going to Flair's or something. Yeah, Flair's, obviously. I'm going to see me in the pub I mean probably not because we're not going to the same pub because you're going with a play horrible chavvy dance music

Pop World no I used to go Pop World yeah you're going Flares or something yeah Flares obviously I'm going to a cool place that smells like piss and plays out of monkeys yeah never

you wouldn't find me so I've got I've got the white plimsolls the white six pound plimsolls from the army shop yeah yeah yeah he's all had them I've got a pair of

drain pipe jeans from Top Man too tight you can see your dick too tight I wish too tight you can see you can see your dick. Too tight, I wish. Too tight, you can see my camel toe. Dick and or wallet and or phone.

Yeah, they're all ripped. I've got like a t-shirt with a gigantic neck where you can nearly see my nipples on the t-shirt. I've got a leather jacket, which is from a secondhand shop, which smells like a dead old lady's house. Yeah, yeah. I've got my red elastic band round my wrist. That I know, always from the floor.

Yeah, hair's massive like Russell Brand. Yes. And one particular night, my mate bought two sets, one for him, one for me, of plastic prison rosary beads. Totally wrong. Because on the front of one of the Libertines albums,

when Pete Doherty had just got out of prison him and Carl Barrett are wearing their prison rosary beads so we're walking around with them on right fighting the lasses off

we were fighting them off I do remember that stage because that was when we were at college together yeah bloody gorgeous oh

edgy gorgeous no smelt smelt a bit really damaged my feet them shoes you smelt a bit no just like the jacket you've no smelt smelt a bit really damaged my feet them shoes you smelt a bit

nah just like the jacket stank you've never smelt nah the jacket smelt and then like them shoes fucked my feet anyone out there

who used to wear them six pound army plimsolls they were like eroding me fucking feet away really yeah because I was

just out sweating in them all night no arch support I'm not sounding like an old man no bloody arch support no I can't wear converse

yeah the blisters I get I get blisters with anything honestly arch support. I'm not sounding like an old man. No bloody arch support. No, I can't wear Converse. Yeah. Flat on there. The blisters I get. Yeah. I get blisters with anything, honestly. Shocking. But I...

I'm so great. What a couple of old twats we are. I know. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous as I'm not sure if the person this is about

listens. My fiancé's brother lives with us and constantly wears a skip cap every time he leaves the house. He takes it off when back in his bedroom.

What's a skip cap? What's a skip cap? I don't know. These might be American. Are we going to have to Google what a skip cap is? Is it like one of the big ones?

I'm thinking flat cap, yeah. No, I don't know. Skip. Spell S-K-I-P. S-K-I-P. S-K-I-P. Like the, yeah, the kangaroo. Very outdated reference.

Apologies to all of the Gen Z. It's just a cap. Right. Is it Australian or American or something? What the hell? It's just a cap.

It's just a cap. Okay, that's fine. That's alright. But now I'm, now I'm in a bit of a rabbit hole of what? What? Skip cap.

What is it? Why do your face look so confused right now? I feel like something's missing. Did you think it wouldn't come up? Well, I thought it was going to be something excited, but it's just a cap. Okay. All right.

Okay. It's okay. Put the mouse away. Put the mouse down. You can get a never skip leg day cap. Right. That's getting bored. Right. way put the mouse down you can get a never skip leg day cap right that's getting bored right that's that's a cap i want to wear horrendous please don't um so he takes it off every time

he has it on when he leaves the house takes it off when he's back in his bedroom okay one morning i woke up for work and his hat was lay on the sofa not thinking anything of it i went to move it when I noticed something inside it. Right. I picked it up and there was a printed out picture of his girlfriend inside the hat.

So essentially, when he puts his hat on, his girlfriend is on his forehead. What year is it? Has he not got a phone? How far is your background on your phone?

Is he, has he gone to war? Is he in World War I? I don't know. Does he leave the phone? Has he gone to war? Is he in World War I? Does he leave the house? Is this Goodnight Sweetheart? Does he leave the house and go down a back lane? And he's in the 20s?

What in the name of God is going on? Is he panting a bear? What is happening? He's keeping a picture in a hat. Me and my fiancé found this to be really weird. And when we asked him about it, he said it's because he doesn't in a hat. Me and my fiance found this to be really weird. And when we asked him about it, he said it's because he doesn't carry a wallet. Please tell me you find this just as weird. It's really weird.

How is your background? I mean, it's sweet. It is sweet. But how is your background on your phone? I just, I feel like a picture by the side of the bed would be just as nice. Or do you think it's in case he meets people and they go oh you're seeing someone and he's like yeah and they're like oh you got a picture

and right right he'd be like yeah i sure do here right in my head yeah first of all um i mean everything about that possible interaction freaks me out just like someone's randomly asking to see someone yeah yeah yeah I am yeah got a picture what you don't believe is like bit of a weird question although to your weird question I raise you weird photo in hat aren't we weird there she is there right

just wipe the forehead grease off that there oh I know bit crumbled off my skip cap skip cap just a cap mate don't worry about it why did you say skip cap don't know uh what if it's hot and it sweats all over and then you get like you know when you leave a magazine yeah and it gets wet yeah on a table what if he gets a little printed photo of her on his forehead i mean everything about that's weird it is weird it's really again a little bit sweet like i imagine does he live in some kind of like fairy

tale land where he feels like he's going to be like hit by a bus and the last moment he's just going to have to like whip his cap up and look at a photo and then just die

maybe really strange thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridonoid which is part of the Acast Creator Network thank you very very much

for listening to this week's absolute fucking gobbledygook. We do enjoy chatting to you. We hope you enjoyed it too. We'll be back in years next week. Very quickly. What? Would you rather never flush the toilet

or never empty the bins? What, and it just piles up? Yeah. Oh, God. What? This is horrible. I've got to pick one up. So it's just a fucking pile of shit

yeah in toilet roll in the toilet or there's just a bin forever yeah can I choose where that bin goes or does it have to be where my bin is now

I think it's where the bin is now I'll burn the fucking house down option three burn the house down it's gotta be one or the other okay I'm going bins you'd never well you don't empty the bin anyway

I do yeah but I could live with rubbish rather than feces but at least that's in a different room it's not in a room where your kitchen is okay

then the toilet it has to be the toilet well I changed that quite easily for you didn't I yeah oh god thanks for listening

love you bye you've ruined everything wrong with you this week go have a lie down bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features her way and toronto symphony orchestra music director gustavo jimeno in conversation together

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