Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 215. Cold Hearted Father

Episode Date: April 28, 2023

On this week's podcast Rosie gets the ick after Chris books a hotel over the phone which also ends with Chris having a new name. The pair talk about Rosie's funny turn while the pair were away and they also question if anyone enjoys sex standing up... there's some fainting based beef and an retro xfactor ick from a listener. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoid with me, Rosie Ramsey,

and my husband, Mr. Ramakesh. Ramakesh here. Hello. How's it going? So, a bit of backstory there. I've just been booking a hotel for when we go down to London. Over the phone? Over the phone. Oh, man. It's horrible to listen to. Listen, we need an early check-out because we're getting ready for an exciting thing that we can't announce yet, but it's a ceremony.

An early check-in. Is that what I said? You said check-out. Well, whatever. We need an early check in is that what I said you said check out well whatever we need an early check in we're going to be them dickheads who get there and you know

climb into a bed that's still warm off the person the night before although we won't be climbing the bed we've got to get in and get fucking ready

for some thing we're doing anyway so I phoned up like old school like me mum and dad to book the hotel and again

I always feel bad because the lady on the other end of the phone obviously her first language wasn't English but her English was you know better than most of my mates.

Most of my mates' English. But something happened when I spelt my name out. I'm waiting for the email confirmation. It's never going to get here because after I gave her my name and my email, which have both got my surname in, she called me Mr. Ramakesh for the entire four-minute phone call. I couldn't find it in my heart. She just kept saying it.

And it was... She's not far off to be fair. She was really like incredibly attentive and like offering like, you know, if you need to put a table at the restaurant and all this stuff. And I was like, but she kept like every sentence started with and Mr. Ramakesh,

if when you arrive, and she just kept saying it. And I just, it got the point. She said it four or five times. I thought it's too late for me to correct you now. I am now Mr. Ramakesh. If Mr. Ramakesh is not on the little,

sometimes they leave you a little note. If that's not on there, then I will be. Welcome to the hotel, Mr. Ramakesh. Here is a bowl of strawberries and a towel folded like a swan. If it's not on your letter, on your invoice, I'll be sadly very very disappointed it was after the first three times

I said it I thought I've gone too far now I can't correct that I feel like I don't feel like it's booked though no it's not

I've just literally looked at me she went to email she'll be with you now for the confirmation that's never getting any of that

that's someone else with Ramakesh hotmail.com he's got it if you ring up again please make sure that I'm not in the vicinity

because that was painful isn't that what we used that I'm not in the vicinity because that was painful isn't that what we used to do though back in the day yeah honestly that was really painful I phoned up to get a I've been doing all of the phones today oh yeah what else have you done

I phoned up LNAR to get a refund on a train ticket oh my god and it said the first option on the phone call was for train timetables press one I was like

sorry someone's ringing up and getting train timetables over the phone call was for train timetables press one. I was like, sorry, someone's ringing up and getting train timetables over the phone. Like, how fucking painful. It'll be like when your dad used to watch

The Pools on a Saturday. Like, and the 959 to London Kings Cross platform four on time. It must still be a thing. I'm sorry.

I'm really, I'm just trying to withhold. Yeah, you're burping down the mic. Could you hear it? I'm sort of thinking. If everyone want to skip back about 15 seconds, she literally did one of them burps

where her mouth was open and they just like croaked. It was awful. It was really rumbly grumbly because I've done that thing of, I mean, I don't know how, I've missed a meal, right? Da, da, da.

She's missed a meal. Don't you fucking lie on this podcast. You've never missed a meal in your life. Time's gone away with us, right? That missed a meal. Are you sorry You've never missed a meal in your life. Time's gone away with us right now. Missed a meal. Are you sorry? Are you missed a meal? Are you missed?

Are you missed a meal? Are you checking in the hotel on Sunday? I'll be with Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. I'm will be there 11 o'clock on the docks that's how I swing our names

you know when people know the beginning of it is it the beginning of Four Christmases with Vince Vaughan and I can't remember the ladies you referenced Four Christmases so many times recently I've read it

it's my new one I don't think it's that good it's alright but I watched it when I was wrapping presents this Christmas and I wasn't that I remember watching it. Yeah, it's alright. It's alright, but I watched it when I was wrapping presents this Christmas and I wasn't that... I remember watching it

the first time and being a lot more impressed It's where the play, I think the play Articulate or whatever, and John Favreau fucking nails every single question and everyone's been asking us

to do Mr and Mrs Smith recently because we're doing Promo for the TV show and I always think of them just bang, bang. I'm sure he's eating chicken while he's doing it. It's fucking awesome.

Anyway, but you know the beginning where they meet each other, they do it on Modern Family as well where they meet each other and they pretend they're single married a married couple they meet in a bar and pretend they're single do people actually do that possibly but i tell you what if we ever do it yeah mr ramakesh and mr meal oh boo yeah but mine's mine's not that sexy because i'll i'll always know that it's the fact that you're thinking because i never miss a meal mr meal i want something better than that you missed a meal no but i want something a bit

better than that okay yeah mrs mrs shit pig let's just stick with chocolate chip pig yeah okay then and we'll be fine you've actually got a little quilted jumper on a little quilted jumper on today you really are you're a woolen quilted shit pig today thank you thank you so much and so i'm just having some nuts. No, you're not eating nuts. Wait until... Are you going to do your sponsor? Yes, but not... Yeah, but you've got to react.

Put the... Guys, she's got a bucket of nuts here, Mr. Meal My Life. Honey roasted cashews. Get the nuts. Don't eat nuts on the podcast. I'll eat away from the mic. No, because then...

Don't fucking tell me what to do. Will you not? Oh, yes, she is. Yes, she is. There she is. Come on. Unbelievable. Guys, it is episode 215.

Shit the bed. Shit the bed indeed. Thank you so, so much for being here, for listening. We genuinely never want to over-read the pudding on how excited we are to have you here. Yeah, look, if you haven't done it already, I'll just shut up, I've got the nuts. If you haven't done it already, click subscribe for God fucking sake, or follow, or whatever the hell it is. Just do that come on man

can I interrupt for one second oh with a mouthful of nuts yeah of course professional yeah sorry if anybody no no I'm not having it

just really quickly if anybody from Marksies is listening Marks and Spencers everyone knew what you meant what happened to the balsamic nuts right

not getting them anymore so I can't get them anymore no they were the best nuts I've ever had in my entire life balsamic Right. Not getting them anymore. You can't get them anymore? No. They were the best nuts I've ever had in my entire life. Balsamic nuts. So I went to Christmas. I went out for like one Christmas and then they've gone. Somebody emailed me agent.

Just let me know. I think I speak for everyone here when I say thank you for your contribution. In between chowing down on honey roasted cashews. Listen, Mr. Amakesh, you are welcome. So nice to meet you. What time do you get off? Oh, this is a little dizzy. Do you want to be at the bar later?

No, I'm alright. You've got nuts in your teeth. Forget it. Suck them out, eh? Is that the kind of thing you like? No. I'm up for anything. No, Miss Demille,

she's got zero standards. She's a slag. She's always got a mouthful of nuts, hasn't she? Now listen, it's episode 215. Thank you so much for coming here and being here and all of that jazz.

And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. I may have done this before. I'm not sure what mindset I was in. It may be a returning sponsor, but I've done, I've checked the little note

that someone sent me. It might not be, but I just want to say this week's sponsor is Everything's Bad For You. Hey, hey, what's that you're eating there? Nuts, honey roast. that someone sent me might not be but I just want to say this week's sponsor is everything's bad for you hey hey what's that you eating there

nuts eh honey roast oh fighting them oh bad for you oh hey what you oh what you oh you're not having sugar

oh don't have sugar sugar's bad for you okay I'll have some sweeteners are they worse oh well fucking fucking all then just fucking all and put us in a fucking box

and bury us in the ground and call it a day because what in a fucking box and bury us in the ground and call it a day because what is the fucking point oh Mr Ramakesh Mr Ramakesh

is furious so I think I think what I'm getting here is Chris and I have just given up sweeteners today

because I've been doing a lot of research about sweeteners and no you got you got sent a link or you saw something you haven't been doing a lot of research it was myers. No, you got sent a link or you saw something. You haven't been doing a lot of research.

Well, no, it was my mum who started it. Oh, she's... If I'd known this had come from Sandra, I would have took it with... It's come from Sandra. I would have ironically took it with a pinch of sweetener. No, but for my mum to actually say... You know by now, my mum is super healthy,

and then eats in secret. Probably not that healthy, healthy but no she's really she's really health conscious and that's why she looks so great phenomenal for our age she's beautiful woman anyway um she told me sweeteners are like horrendous for you and she actually said swap it for sugar and i was like whoa we've all gone back over excellent but for me mom to suggest sugar and so anyway we we are not health experts. Yeah. I've just done a bit of research

and they're not great for you in the long run, apparently. But apparently sugar's not, salt's not either. Well, I know. Nothing's good for you. I don't know what's up

and what's down. Sugar. I know. And nothing's good for you, Chris. I just feel like I was doing all right. Right? I was on my protein bars. I used to have,

honestly, fucking chocolate. Love chocolate. Sweet tooth. Love it. Love me sweeteners. Love sugar. Get it in us. Right? I used to have a little, I used to have honestly fucking chocolate love chocolate sweet tooth love it love me sweeteners love sugar get it in us right

I used to have a little I used to have probably a little bit of cake every single day didn't I I'd have a cup of tea

and I'd have a bit of cake and I'd have or a Twix or something or a Snickers and then I was like I got the protein bars and I was like oh do you know what

they've got protein in them and weirdly not being a dickhead I actually like them more than some other confectionery this is great they've only got

a gram of sugar oh it's 20 odd grams of sugar and everything else I was having oh by the way they're full of fucking sweeteners so that's where you can't have nout i'm sick do you know too much oxygen can kill you well do you know too much do you know too much sleep can kill you really yeah i googled it all while i was doing this i googled it to say like too much sleep can lead to like um it can literally lead to death sleep can literally lead to death. It can literally lead to different things in your body.

You're dying. I'm shit. It's just excessive. Weirdly said it. It's everything in excess, isn't it? Yeah, but I'm just like, oh, God. The most annoying bit is, right, and this is why I'm most irritated.

The sweetener thing came. You told me about the sweetener thing the day after I ordered two more boxes of protein bars well don't worry about the protein bars though like because there is art there's artificial sweetener in loads of stuff for god's sake well it's inducing it like it's in everything so like just listen listen look at me in the eyes should we go back on the sweeteners because them two cups of coffee i've had today with dark sugar, fucking horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Guys, I've had a horrible taste in my mouth all day. I had a coffee with a fucking chewing gum chaser because you didn't like it. You didn't like coffee. It was horrible. Drinking it like a bush took a trial.

It was pathetic. It was back to when we're in Australia, ironically, and you started drinking coffee. I've got a video of you somewhere where you've fallen the first coffee you had. You nearly into tears it's so funny so let's listen i'm up for it should we just go back i did come on i don't know what's going on i feel guilty about everything do you want to order a pizza from the pizza shop and i feel terrible and it comes and

i'm like gutted and then the next day i like start you don't really enjoy it well that's not good you should enjoy it you should at least if you're gonna're going to do it, enjoy it while you're doing it. At that McDonald's we had last week, oh my God. Yeah, it was pretty good. I save at every moment of that. It was absolutely lush. That was pretty good.

They've got that chicken, the actual chicken Big Mac thing in a minute. We talked about that on here, didn't we? I wanted to try it, right? But we don't get McDonald's very often anymore.

It's like a treat. And I didn't want to ruin my treat by trying something that I might, do you get it? I'm 100% on board. I always get Big Mac because I never hardly go. Yeah. And then if I get something else, I'm like, fuck, I should have got a Big Mac.

I ruined it. You should have got a Big Mac. I know. Curry. When I go for a curry, I always get the same order. Mm-hmm. People go, oh, try something different. How often are you going for curries?

What the fuck, man? Yeah. This is rare. I'm going to get my thing and I'm going to enjoy this 100%. Yeah. And then I'm going to hate myself tomorrow. Oh, stop it, man. Stop it with that.

Hey. Life's too short. Don't you tell me how to live my... Me? I haven't... It. enjoy this 100% and then I'm going to hate myself tomorrow well stop it man stop it with that hey life's too short don't you tell me how to live my me I haven't lived all these years I haven't lived all these years

Mr Ramakesh right Mr Ramakesh does what he wants good for you Mr Ramakesh if I want to hate myself a day after a curry

and fart and smell the farts and think weird it smells quite nice because it smells like curry I will do that yeah you've changed

you've changed well there we go you've changed athlete isn't it. Well, there we go. You've changed. Athlete, isn't it? Oh, God. It's not very becoming. Oh, my whole life isn't fucking,

isn't catered to being attractive to you, right? I think you'll find it is. We all know your standards are rock bottom. Go fuck yourself. Go on.

Get your bucket of nuts. Get your, go on, get a big handful of nuts out of your bucket like Winnie the Pooh. I'll enjoy them. We'll put the jingle on. I'll enjoy them. We'll put the jingle on.

I'll enjoy them. Have a jingle. There she goes. Lovely, lovely. Disgusting. Rummaging around like a fucking anteater. I've probably got to tweet now, haven't I? Brilliant.

We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo babadoo babadoo bab, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed. Still no email from the hotel. Nope, no email from the hotel.

It's all getting a bit risky now, isn't it? Yeah, going to turn up there and when i don't have a driving license or a passport with a ram of cash on we're gonna get shown the door yes um but yeah look i'm sorry for getting get angry in the intro do you know what it is live how you want just live how you want to live i'd never tell anyone how to live someone's always waggling the finger about something that you don't mean too many bananas can kill you for god's sake it's because live how you want it's because at the back of your mind you're very aware that we are getting older and you want to we've got kids and stuff now responsibilities you want to live for your kids and it is it's a worrying thing you've got to look after yourself don't about older though speak for yourself love i'm in the prime of my life uh it's nearly bike weather again now so you're left in me dust can't wait to see them short around your

ass damn right quick question yeah i don't even know if you've noticed this. Right? You said it a couple of times whilst driving. Oh, have I done? Do you want to explain to everyone what Amberly Gambly means? I've never said Amberly Gambly. You absolutely have because I've wrote it down. Amberly Gambly.

Amberly Gambly. What happened was, you don't even remember. I don't remember this. Somebody went through an amber when they should have broke. Amber Gambler. Was it Amber Gambler or Amberly? I'm sure it was Amberly Gambly. I may have switched it up and said Amberly Gambly.

Right, okay. Yeah. Awful. Right, so you're icked at that, are you? A little bit. You said it, you haven't said it three times. You've definitely said it twice. Right.

Just, ooh, Amberly Gambly. And I just thought, oh, hey, that's rotten. So I just wanted to bring that up quickly. Yeah, I tell you what. All I do, all I do is live in negative equity with you. Gambling, gambling. Now and then I do a few things and I get back up to sort of base level. Do you know what I mean?

I don't ever think there's a moment where you're like, oh, my God, he's beautiful and he's fit and I love him so much. I feel like I'm on base level of nothing. Okay. And then I drop down and I just sort of fight me way back up. I'm always a negative equity, aren't I? No, well, we had a, well, honestly, if you want to get really, really honest deep down here, we're going to tell you a little bit about what happened last week.

Oh, what a week. We've had a bit of a drama. Massive drama. Okay. In fact, if we've not got anything else to talk about here, right, in this little preamble, let's go straight into the beefs. Ambley gambling. Let's go straight into the beefs. If you've got anything else to talk about here right in this little preamble let's go straight into the beefs let's let's go straight into the beefs if you've got nothing else to put in this section because what if my beef with you leads perfectly into the entire story of what happened okay then well let's do it yeah and i can but part of that is me telling you

why i really love you but okay let's do it you can do that after the beef great let's do it put it all together special announcement announcement first, though. Everyone coming to our live show this year, Shagmarinoid 2, the whole arena date has been moved. Oh. Because... Right, firstly,

this has got nothing to do with me. Right. And everything. This is completely Chris's fault. It's, yes. Absolutely not my fault at all. I take no responsibility for this. So please, if you're going to direct any hate towards any of us fault it's absolutely not my fault at all i take no responsibility for this so please if you're gonna direct any hate towards any of us it's chris nothing to do with me don't i'm

not getting heat for this you know what it is it's so lovely to be on a team with you no fuck that right look when we booked all the dates uh basically apart from the podcast and obviously i don't do stand-up at the minute i'm not doing stand-up, apart from the podcast, and obviously I don't do stand-up at the minute, I'm not doing stand-up. So apart from the podcast, the TV show and the live tour, which is all basically one job, I only really have one other job, which is a large charity event for the BBC that happens every November on a Friday night. I saw the dates for the whole 16th and 17th of november and i went yeah great

and then it wasn't until further down the line i was like ah okay i've double booked myself here so the 17th the november 17th whole date has been moved to the 15th now i know that's from a friday to wednesday i'm really bloody sorry i know i know i'm really sorry but listen one I'm an idiot and I take full responsibility and two it's for the children so you technically can't really get that

pissed off at us diplomatic immunity no I would Friday to a Wednesday look it's an outlandish day I didn't know that Wednesday's a new Friday you're not seeing it

they're all saying it man this week's episode I'm a bit embarrassed people don't GQ or something probably get the money back if they want yeah if you can't make the new day,

get your money back, it's no problem. Don't say that. No, they actually can. That's the rules of moving a date if you can't now make the Wednesday. Great. Because what if someone comes back

from Holly on the Thursday? Right, well, I would like, to our management company, I would like a detailed invoice and however much money we lose, I would like that profited to my bank account from Christopher's bank account

and I know I'm being petty but this is where we are right now. Petty and really really disgracing the art form of our live show excellent and slagging off the kids which is it's a bloody lovely bench in hell waiting for you slagging off that

I'll be in a lovely fur coat probably it'll be too warm it'll be too warm why are you in a fur coat in hell idiot eh you want a bikini or something eh

a schmock a schmock schmock listen sorry everyone sorry blame Chris blame me

it's time for what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef beef beef beef beef beef beef okay straight in my beef with you this week is that you are extremely,

extremely nonchalant about passing out. Passing out unconscious and you just act like it's not a big thing. But for the man who finds you on the toilet floor in a hotel room at half past two in the morning. It's fucking terrifying, love. I was crying. So there. Chris basically thought that I died the other night.

Thought you'd died. Couldn't wake you up. I think I ate something funny. I think I ate some dodgy sushi or I had a bug or something in the middle of it right so about from midnight I had really bad cramping pains in my stomach so and we were in London the one for two nights we were in two days we're doing photoshoot for the TV show and a lot of media and press stuff too busy days the Thursday night we'll go to bed continue yeah go to bed and watch the Lewis

Capaldi documentary which was brilliant by the way fantastic had nothing to do with the past never anything to do with the passing out didn't have anything to do with it so went to bed and I got really bad cramps in my stomach and I thought I was going to be sick

well I needed to be sick and I went to the toilet and then when I was going to the toilet I was like I'm going to pass out so I went Chris

shout out of you because you think apparently I've never passed out but I spoke to my mate about it and he says that when you're passing out you try and shout

and you think you're going like but you're actually going like you know like i've fainted loads when i was a kid and i kind of you know when you're going to faint we have to brag about so you left the bed and i'm you know when you're aware that your partner leaves the bed you left the bed and i just sort of was half awake and then just heard like i shouted it like a night you didn't. Wow. Chris. Like a nightmare. Like, you know,

the woman's, the ghostly woman's walking away in the white flowy dress. Chris. It's horrible. So I went, what? What?

Rosie? And you weren't saying anything else. And then I walked into the bathroom and you were just sitting in the corner of the bathroom on the floor,

slumped against the wall, doing your fucking undert undertaker eyes rolled back in your head completely unresponsive eyes back in my head yeah yeah so they weren't open or shut they were like shut up just see the white of your eyes yeah like a dead body like how you find someone in a computer game or a horror film like was i clothed yeah you were cool okay yeah yeah how long was that out for? So this is generally not bullshit, guys listening. This is generally true. So I leaned down and I was like, Rosie, Rosie. And obviously, you know me, immediately started panicking. Of course.

Screaming, shouting. Anyone walking past must have thought we had an old episode about a grove on full belt. Nice. Because I was just like, Rosie, Rosie. I was like, Rosie, wake up, wake up. And I was like, I'm sure I was like, darling, darling, darling, wake up, please wake up. Like freaking out. I just woke up. It was half two in the'm sure I was like darling darling darling wake up please wake up like freaking out I just woke up

it was half two in the morning I'm like sorry to say I'm like slapping you on the face I'm like shaking you what no just as hard as I'd want to wake someone up

like and I'm like Rosie Rosie Rosie Rosie and you just wouldn't wake up for a couple of minutes and I'm freaking out and there's a phone on the wall

next to the toilet I'm like should I phone reception what do I do and then you came to and you literally just went, oh, oh, have I passed out? And I went, yeah.

And you went, oh, I'm going to again. And you went again. And I was like, what the fucking hell's going on here? And then you woke up again and you went, have I passed out? And I went, yes, twice. And you went, I'm going to again. And you went again. Two more times

did I ever yeah it was fucking it was your greatest hits of passing out and then you were like you were like lies on the floor

put me legs in the air yeah so obviously jujitsu got you on your back easily swept you piece of piss

right got your legs up put your legs on me hips now your legs on me hips is a defensive position for you I could have passed your legs and mounted you but now wasn't the time but easily done shut up easily done right i vulnerable in

my vulnerable state consider the leg lock but i haven't learned them yet um genuinely crying uh legs up and put a little towel on the floor and you had your head on and then you basically um proceeded to uh in your state uh tell us off for shouting and tell us off for panicking uh to the point of which as if i hadn't just found you possibly dead in the middle of the night it was horrendous because if you've passed out before you'll know that you just when you come to you can't be bothered with any like commotion you were with the wrong guy you just sort of need a bit of quiet and like my name is my full name is commotion ramakesh commotion ramakesh it's got a good ring to it actually uh no so um so yeah fully blown passed

out and then went back to bed had cramps for the rest of the night. Didn't pass out again, thankfully, touch wood. Yeah, and then the next day was horrendous. Was meant to go and do a job, which I didn't get to do. Yeah. And the trains were all cancelled. So we had to book a hotel room

and I went to bed for like four hours, didn't I? Yeah, but we went to the train station and you were just a clip. So taxi driver, poor lady who tried to talk to us outside the station, who, shout out to you if you listen, we were not very good at conversation that day. I tried my best.

Rosie was kind of hiding. And then the people in the lobby of the hotel that we sat in for a while while we worked out what to do, every single one of them just thought you were hanging out your arse. Yeah, I just looked all over. Everyone.

And then the hotel we eventually checked into as a thing and I was like, we need a room now and my wife's not well and you put her bed everyone's like she's fucking hanging me she's not i kept telling because you know everyone thought you were hanging so i was trying to say that you weren't hanging so the line i was going with was no she's very ill she's soiled herself we need to get why did you tell people i was ill in the first place she's really not well she's soiled herself we need to get to the room horrible horrible but in future i said does this room have a hose or a bd or some kind of trough that i can put her in because again soiled herself can you write that down on the form she's soiled herself in future right chris in future yeah don't tell

people i hear people know nampueli don't tell them great just don't tell people I hate people knowing I'm Pueri don't tell them just don't tell everyone all they need to do is look at you and the new summit was up you look horrendous some people look horrendous every single day and obviously

if they'd look behind you they could see your pants that you'd soiled yourself stop do you want to know my moment of when I really really loved you she hasn't soiled herself

by the way that was a joke yeah I didn't soil myself no when I was on the it was in the morning

so this is this is really grim but hey listen what and all about us listen our podcast um and i had luckily had a solid poo a very solid poo that may be more wrong than this actually jesus christ so i was a bit constipated and you were terrified that i was going to faint and i think you were just about to get in the shower i'm not sure and because in the in the bathroom the showers were like separate little cubicles it was quite a nice hotel and they sometimes do that don't they it's nice within the bathroom anyway i was on the toilet having a very solid poo and congratulations and i was like are you going to faint again i was like i might because i felt a bit faintly and you had nothing on right

so dick height to my head yeah which was a bit grim but like you know it's fine we're husband and wife it wasn't sexual but then you hugged us while i was having a shit and honestly it was at that moment that i was like do you know what this guy probably loves me and it was a really nice moment so thank you for that oh well thank you yeah yeah i do remember so in your mind's eye, if you want a picture exactly how this is, Rosie's sitting on the toilet, as you do sit on the toilet when you do number two.

And I was basically just straddled over her, just holding her with a little head on me. I did apologise a few times though. You didn't, did you? I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Thank you, that was really nice. And I love you too. Thank you.

I didn't say I love you, but I do love you. Thank you. Okay, thank you. Should we move on? This is weird well because you've said some positive stuff let's have your beef

alright okay hang on a minute I don't even know if you should have a beef for the fact that I saved you traipsed you all over London getting a new hotel and that and so on

made everyone aware that you'd silenced yourself so I've got a new car and you keep using it ah yeah yeah yeah stick to your own stupid car mate

no your own electric piece of shit no I shouldn't say that for the future no and also a big shout out and apologies

to the people there who we we just mentioned earlier that we had a McDonald's like the absolute fucking horrors that we are we had a full drive

through McDonald's in the car as we went the port exit that was I was embarrassed he literally the guy was like did you need aru McDonald's in the car as we went to port exit. That was, I was embarrassed. Literally, the guy was like, do you need a hand putting anything in the new car? And he opened the boot

and there was a fucking full McDonald's in the back. All the bags, everything, opened, ketchups, the lot. And I went, oh, I meant to get rid of this. I didn't mean you to see this. He went, it's fine. I went, well, it's not fine though. Like we're literally handing this car in and we're just fumigating it with McDonald's. I went well it's not fine though like we're literally handing this car in and we've just scumbag fumigated it with McDonald's

I go there you go there's your fucking there's your McDonald's trough back see you later sucker sorry to the guy you know who you are apologies

well I'm not being funny though I bought a car once that I could I had to get rid of it it was second hand I absolutely loved it but it smelled so bad of dogs and cigarettes

so you just can't get rid of it I had to get rid of it I loved that car tell you what those dogs must have been smoking 40 a day in that car oh hey I tell you what

easy lifting do you know what happens to a dog's voice if it smokes 40 a day what it goes woof no

woof woof I should make that up look did you actually made that up look I did you actually make that up because it's horrendous just there just there great

come on come on babadou bab babadou bab it's a Christmas cracker babadou bab Mr Ramakesh now

commotion Ramakesh to you commotion you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. of evil. It's all you know, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Gets it gets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind so who will you rise for? register today at sunrisechallenge.ca that's sunrisechallenge.ca it's time for questions from the public as always guys if you'd like to get in touch

it is shaggedmaridanooyed at gmail.com. Again, thank you so much for all of the wonderful stuff you send and continue to send. This podcast wouldn't be as good as it is without you wonderful people. Thank you. Thank you so much. On the tone of emails, little update, still no hotel confirmation. It's not booked.

So there we go. It is not booked. We're going to have to phone up after this and rebook the entire thing. Also, if you are thinking about emailing a story in we our production team

for the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show are currently rifling through all of the emails as well looking for stuff for the TV show too so yeah if you want to it might get on the telly

yeah and if you've sent something in in the past you might get an email back saying is it okay if we use it for the telly so obviously you'll still be kept anonymous the only difference is if you use it for the telly so yeah obviously you'll still be kept anonymous the only difference is if the user for a telly a famous face will read it

and also we also go through them emails for the tour as well it's very much all from the pot literally this podcast will be 10 minutes if it wasn't for you people so thank you so much yeah and they're great they're still so good amazing so it's really odd that we've just been talking about fainting right in the beef section right and we chatted about it i think a little while ago about fainting getting backstage and stuff at gigs got you because i've had a few emails about fainting all right i've never i've never passed out i've like i've i've sort of well i haven't yeah i don't think i've ever passed out i've sort of been really drunk I've been really drunk and like went to sleep do you know when you're like

you know I'm not letting him in the taxi look at the state of him I should but I've never like it's different it's different from being drunk it's a different sort of feeling

it's quite scary really but you know it's not you just need to sit down and you need to be in a safe place because I have fainted

on the toilet before and I've been literally centimetres away from whacking my head off the sink crikey yeah but anyway it's not nice hence why you need a naked man straddling you that's why you are there hi chris and rosie massive fan the podcast and as a geordie living in leeds i love hearing the accent thank you i'm currently listening to the episode five fold sunglasses where you talk about people fainting to get backstage five fold sunglasses yeah yeah being there thank you to everyone who was slagged off I'm currently listening to the episode five, Fold Sunglasses, where you talk about people fainting to get backstage. Ah, five fold sunglasses, yeah, yeah.

Been a thank you to everyone who has slagged off me sunglasses and asked if they are fallen sunglasses since we put that episode out. Never gets old. Well, this in fact happened to me last year. I'm a huge Sam Fender fan and when one of my sister's mates

dropped out of the Tramlines festival in Sheffield, I jumped at the chance to see our lad Sam for the second time. Get in. Off we went. As I was slightly hungover from the night before and tired, I thought let's be sensible and drink soft drinks.

Red Bull, in fact, which I never drink. Maniac. It's not a soft drink, is it? Yeah, it's not. It's pretty hardcore. It's pretty hardcore. It's a shitload of caffeine,

especially if you're a bit hungover. It's going to dehydrate you even more is what it's going to do i mean you know a few waters it sought you out i suppose then say when i when i had that pro plus and i thought i was gonna death i was having a hard time it was the most one of the most ridiculous nights of my life actually the hardest drug you've ever had is pro plus and that's lovely it actually is it actually is proud of it drugs are for mugs after three or four of them three or four of them three or four sorry about just a quick have i ever told you about the time when um carl etchinson used to have a red bull before his show in edinburgh so reese our tour manager my tour manager and he does the shag mary no one he was running carl's show in edinburgh so you get it you get a one hour slot and every single day Rhys would get a Red Bull for Carl

and Carl would have a Red Bull. Now one day the normal sized Red Bull cans weren't available so he got Carl a big you know the bigger ones that you rarely see but like a massive fucking can of Red Bull

it's like a pint of Red Bull. Oh awful. Carl had that before his show and his show came in at 40 minutes. What because he just did a Because he just talked so fast! He shaved like 18 minutes I think he used to come in at 40 minutes. What, because he just did it... Because he just talked so fast! He shaved like 18 minutes. I think he used to come in at 58 minutes

and he shaved like 18 minutes off his show just by just necking a red bull and going, yeah, fucking... Just shaved 18 minutes off his show. Shit. I mean, a poor crowd. Jesus Christ. He's obviously dead to him.

Horrible, that. Right, okay. So after three or four of them, it was time to get in amongst it and get close to the front for the main event. Three or four red bulls hung over and then going into the front of a gig. Not good.

That is my idea of hell. Yeah, same. I can feel how she feels. I am feeling anxious. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? I feel clammy. Yeah.

Getting ever more squashed and my HR increasing. What's that? Heart rate. I don't know why you write HR. Like, this isn't a fucking Peloton video. Like, why have you hired HR in there? We are.

HR was increasing there. I was going to dance for all of your songs, which would have been a PB for me. A lot of people abbreviate stuff now. Come on, man. I know. Busy girl. I had four RBs and HR was going up. Oh, I'm hr was going up and uh oh god actually it's horrible

so the hr was increasing by the minute i thought shit i'm going hr's increased what was your bpm what's bpm beats? Beat up a minute. Oh, great. My eyes rolled back in my head and somehow I was dragged right to the front and lifted over the barriers, my poor sister following in worry. I was checked out and fine. They therefore thought I was a fraud, cringing as I am a nurse and felt pathetic.

Nurse! But we managed to watch Sam's entire set from VIP stood next to some other musicians and because of our accent, everyone assumed we must be Sam's mate, which of course we went along with. Oh, yeah, he's a good lad. All that kind of stuff.

It just is at the end. Awful. So in theory, Fainting does get you far in life. Try it sometime. Tabitha the Fainting Nurse. Thank you, Tabitha. Tabitha the Fainting Nurse. Very funny. Fantastic. fantastic we should do that if we ever go to a gig and we're

you know inexplicably not in the vip section anyway yeah me and you will just go to the front you either faint and and soil yourself and we'll get carried straight over or choked out no well she's been very lucky here yeah she's she is cutting fast and loose with the Geordie accent and fainting and thinking that she's going to get put in the VIP. Do you mean playing fast and loose with the Geordie accent? What did I say? Cutting. Right.

Right. Well, whatever the right one is. Is it cutting fast and loose? It's absolutely not cutting fast. It's playing fast and loose. You're playing fast and loose. You're either cutting it fine. You're either cutting it fine.

There we go. There it is. I don't think you're right. Immediately back down. Cutting it fine. I know what you mean. Playing fast and loose. Playing fast and loose, yeah.

Right. Okay, good. I'm gambling. You're right. That doesn't... She's actually writing it down. Cutting it. If I write it down, it stays in my head longer.

Nah, you... Playing it. Just playing. Playing it. Playing fast and loose. Fast and... She's actually writing these down. Is that to get them in your memory?

Which loose? L-O-O-S-E or L-O? Loose. L-O-O. And it's a loose, the other one. Jesus Christ. Come on. Wow.

Kinesthetic, I think. I don't want to say it because it's probably wrong. Kinesthetic? There's certain ways that people learn things. Nice. So when I was singing full time and I had to learn songs

I had to write them all down over and over again to remember them because if I just read them I know what you mean it was painful and some people learn by listening

or like watching and whatever but I don't want I think it's kinesthetic than I am but honestly let's visit Google I might be wrong let it's kinesthetic that I am. But honestly, I might be wrong. Let's have a look.

And if I am wrong, I'm embarrassed because for years I've been trying to be cool and telling everyone that I'm a kinesthetic learner. There's another one. You need to stop

barreling in and telling people words that you're not fucking sure of. It's just the sheer confidence of it, isn't it? It's manky, isn't it? Kinesthetic learner related to a person's awareness of the position and movement

of the parts of the hold on. What else would it be? An example of kinesthetic learning experience is when a child learns to use a swing or ride a bike. Right. Fancy. So what am I? What am I by writing it down?

Oh, you know what it is. I'm trying to find it here. Is writing kinesthetic learning? The kinesthetic element of physically writing on paper, especially for students that may be struggling with learning, is essential to cognitive development. I think you might be right here. Yes.

I think you might be right. Get in. Get in. A little nut for a treat? No, you can't have a nut. You can't have a celebratory nut. For fuck's sake. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Long time listener. First time emailer. Love you. Thank you for popping your little cherry with us. Oh yeah. Little whore bag. I love the ick section.

And when I've been having drinks with friends I keep bringing it up to find out theirs. I always use the walk back from bowling as an example. Yeah. Fantastic. I forgot about that use the walk back from bowling as an example. Yeah, fantastic.

I forgot about that one. Walking back from bowling is great. When you've got a strike. Yeah, fantastic. I was listening this morning and had a light bulb moment of how could I forget my biggest ick about my husband? It's a reoccurring yearly ick. Fantastic.

Okay, so it's seasonal, so it's probably Christmassy? Possibly. I'm not sure. Or holiday time. Let's have a look. No, it's not. You're completely wrong. I was getting excited there. Okay, so it's seasonal, so it's probably Christmassy? Possibly. I'm not sure. Or holiday time. Let's have a look. No, it's not. You're completely wrong. I was getting excited there.

Okay. My husband and I, you literally couldn't be more wrong. All right, fucking hell. No, it's fine. No nuts for me then, eh? Get your eyes, Mr Ramakesh,

get them eyes back in your head. Right? Now. Please, call me commotion. Please, Mr... back in your head right now please call me commotion please mr mr ramakesh is my father my name's hustle and bustle right my husband and i have been together for almost 11 years now, which is great, but it's his life before me that is the problem. Okay.

Every year around November time, his Facebook memories come up and it is flooded with his weekly commentary about X Factor. which he clearly stayed in every Saturday night to watch. His passion for the show was insane, with such comments as, lol, if I was Louis, I would have leathered Simon for speaking to him like that. Suck it up, prick.

So he's an ex-factor armchair pundit. This is ridiculous. Simon knew it would go to deadlock. Not watching anymore. It's shit. Wow. Every year when they pop up, he reads them to me and I die for him.

I've never laughed like that before in my life. I sound like a fucking bicycle pump. If constantly updating your Facebook status with X Factor commentary isn't an ick I don't know what is huge ick

wow fucking gigantic ick that's amazing and he was a proper snipey armchair proper got into it proper proper got into it

like well wasn't it back in the day I don't have Facebook anymore but it used to say like Rosie Rat like Rosie Winter is thinking or what was it what was the status it was a status update no but it used to say like rosie like rosie winter is thinking or what was it it was a status

update no but it was like a saying i can't remember what it was what's on your mind yeah it was all but then you'd answer what's on your mind like tell you what's on my mind anyone gave a fuck yeah yeah hi rosie and chris just listening just listened sorry that episode 209 about the guy from yourville whose parents played the curry trick on him and he wrote about it at school. Yes. When the dad pretended that he shipped him sour curry. Brilliant.

He asked you what the most embarrassing thing you did to your parents as a child and have I got a story for you. Oh, brilliant. Growing up, my parents were very much like Rosie's. We weren't treated to a lot of luxuries. Actually, hang on. Let me just bring something up dead quickly, right?

Right. My dad told me off the other day. Have mentioned this no apologies if i have i don't even you haven't even told me this in real life oh so so i said the i said on the podcast that we didn't go on holiday because but we did go on holiday we did go abroad once a year but then my mom and dad my dad went to uni and they both didn't work so for like six years we didn't go abroad okay correct me if i'm wrong people family we didn't go abroad so i was like we didn't go but my dad was like we did go abroad yes dad we had a lovely childhood it was great and we did go i promise you we did go abroad so my dad threw his mate who listens to the podcast excellent then

told me off for saying are you listening mate you fucking grass yeah if Derek doesn't do you understand my mum and dad don't listen and Derek doesn't listen and we can slag them off freely I know Sandra listens so we've got to

tell them stuff stop grassing me up to Derek probably in the fountain in Shields pack it in yeah thank you you snake

anyway so no I had the best childhood in the world it was class absolutely class yeah you I mean you were always abroad you were Spanish

weren't you? You lived in Spain. Practically. Had the best childhood ever until my mum and dad split up and then I was damaged for eternity. Excellent.

Only joking. Only joshing. It was a good couple of years or anything. Damaged for a good couple of years. Just a couple of years. However, instead of the usual

we're not made of money line, my dad decided to go with something a bit more creative. Right. So instead of saying to them, we're not made of money. We're not made of money line my dad decided to go with something a bit more creative right so instead of saying to them we're not made of money

we're not made of money yeah he said so instead of we're not made of money he said he was a cold heartless father

who doesn't give a damn about his children fantastic an example us kids dad can we get a dog dad no

kids why not dad because I'm a cold, heartless father who doesn't give a damn about his children. Excellent. So we'd say this all the time. Fully get on board with that.

Yeah, just like when you say a word over and over and it loses its meaning, so did this phrase. My elder sister had parroted it, and then so did I, followed by my younger sister. To us, it didn't mean anything beyond a reason why we couldn't have something,

and it didn't occur to us that it could be taken in any other way until Christmas 1995. We always went to the pantomime as a family. And one year, my younger sister, five years old, had been one of the kids invited up to the stage at the end. Fuck off. Whoever was playing buttons, or Smee, can't remember which pantomime it was,

was asking a handful of kids questions and making jokes when the following exchange happened. Buttons, and what do you want for Christmas this year, little girl? Sister, a PlayStation. Buttons, wow, and do you think your parents are going to get you a PlayStation? Sister, no. Audience laughs. Buttons, and why's that?

Sister, because my dad's a cold, heartless father who doesn't give a damn about his kids. Buttons, and your parents are here tonight? Sister, yep, they sat right there. Spotlight appearance. Wow, that's beautiful. Kids, man, they'll stitch you up, man. They'll stitch you right up. Needless to say, everyone in the theatre found this hilarious,

including my father. My mum, however, was absolutely mortified as this was at Wycombe Swan Theatre. Wickham, oh my God, you're such a noob. Oh, Wycombe. Ick, look at you, Wycombe. I did not know. Look at you.

Right, I'm sorry, in my defence, I thought Wickham was with an I. No. I'm so sorry. That's Wickham. I know Wickham, but I didn't know it was a Y. Yeah. Wow.

Sorry, that's disgusting. Wickham Swan's a beautiful venue. Well, it was there. And whilst it's not Wembley Arena, there were families we knew from the area in attendance who knew my sister and my parents. We still trot this story out pretty much every Christmas. Fantastic.

Love it. Lovely. Actually, no need to keep us anonymous. You can thank my little sister Sarah Jordan for the jokes and my cold heartless father Kevin Jordan for the life lessons

in materialism and that's from Tory Jordan thank you thank you to the Jordans big love we never normally

get to say people's names on here we don't actually that's exciting shame shame shame before they're

suing with us or something babadoo babadoo babadoo hi guys I have a story from when I was in school around 2011. Uh, okay.

Oh, God, quite young then. Yeah. I had a geography class, and when walking in, the desks in the class had been moved from tables of four to two long rows. Ah. Everyone. I'm talking.

Everyone's talking. That's normally what happens, isn't it? No. Everyone's talking and they're changing them. Okay. Maybe, but not for this. Okay, two long rows i just remember i remember when if we were a troublesome class there'd be hell on yeah i remember every single term i started all lessons sitting next to me mate and then lo and behold a couple of weeks in we're doing alphabetical fucking order and i'm

next to some twat did you not find it though dead exciting when you'd go into your classroom and it was just different yeah it was amazing it was like oh what's going on I like it oh we're all sitting yeah

sit where you want you'd sit on a table with all your mates and then within a couple of weeks you're an alphabetic loader yeah is Robin still sitting next to the guinea pig

or has he been shifted yeah it's a class pet there's not a guinea he doesn't go to school on a farm it's a pet it's the class pet Robin's doesn't go to school on a farm. It's a pet. It's the class pet.

Robin's in with the livestock. But he was next to the guinea pig for a bit, but I don't know. I'll have to ask him, actually. Anyway. He's in geography class. Yeah. Every desk had a laptop in front of the seat,

and on the computer was a picture of a trainer. Good grief. Our teacher announced that this lesson would be about sweatshops, and in order to fully understand them, we had to recreate one. Oh my gosh. We were told to sit down and use the computers to assemble the trainers. Meanwhile, the heating was turned fully up, the blinds were shut on the windows and we had to sit in silence for 50 minutes.

Oh my God! 50 minutes! That's amazing! Years later, I tell this story and I'm surprised when no other school seems to have repeated this lesson

that's our teachers absolutely I mean it's they've got a loose cannon they what I doubt if I had an

Ofsted inspector in the corner no I don't think that was happening I weirdly respect that that's amazing I'm telling them that's my job

so I had to assemble them like on the computer so it was like I imagine they just had to pull them about sweatshops so they had to assemble them like on the computer so I imagine they just had to pull little bits I think they just had to work

in a pressured awful environment just assemble loads of bits so they just had to basically pull the shapes together and make a train

and then finish it and then do it again and again and the heating was turned up and the lights were turned up and they shut the

blinds and they couldn't talk for 50 minutes I mean wow it's still nowhere near as bad as what a sweatshop must be like. Absolutely, but it's interesting.

Oh, I love that. My question for you guys is, is there any lessons you had at school that in hindsight were awful? I'm trying to think of some. I'm sure I've talked about the trampolining one. I'm sure I've talked about trampolining on here. Remind me again?

The reason I hated trampolining at school was because we only do it like once a year, trampolining. It's the best one. And then we went through alphabetical order. I'm sure I've told you this. We went through alphabetical order. And a lad called Billy Hewitt, H, was on obviously well before me.

And he did a backflip. And it was nearly a double backflip. So the rest of the lesson, the teacher was like, oh, you nearly did a double. The rest of the lesson was everyone standing, seeing if he could do a double backflip fucking shit i don't even care i don't care i've said it on here before i want to i want to reiterate how bad it was that is bad just stand around and do that it was shit and he did it again the same teacher did it one of we're doing long jump athletics and and one of the lads got quite far on the long jump and the teacher was like oh that's close to like that's close to olympic standard that full fucking lesson standard full

lesson standard watching this fucking you know freak of nature six foot five fucking year nine doing just because he was bigger than everyone else doing a long job i was what a knob that teacher was clearly what a knob a knob. I loved PE at school, right? But the only bit that I have a memory of hating was, do you remember the wall climbing? What was it called? The wall climbing? Like when you'd climb up the wall.

What's it called? Rock climbing. You had a climbing wall at your school? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. We did.

We must have because I did it. Right. It might not have been the fully blown bits of rock. It might have just been like... Was it just a flat wall because your school was so... I didn't, man. Because your school was so shit, it was just teaching kids to climb out over gardens and that.

Is that what it was? Maybe. No, I feel... No, you must... They've got one at your school now. Was it not there when you were there? No, no, no. They've got a harness.

Well, anyway, the harness, right? And when you're there well well well anyway the harness right and when you're like an insecure sort of young teen having to put something around your crotch when all the lads are doing something else down below horrific absolutely the most horrific thing in the world to the point of i just don't think they should have let her do it have i never short like right up and you're just like oh is me lip out like up on the horrible is me lip out horrendous have i never told you about when me and karen were training for strictly at my my old school and we walked past the gym one day and the pt teacher had the the i think it was year 10 or year 11 lads doing rock climbing and i walked past and i popped my head and i was like oh my god the rock climbing. And I walked past and I popped my head in and I was like, oh my God,

the rock climbing wall. And I was buzzing. And the teacher was like, do you want a turn? And I was like, absolutely. So I had a turn on the rock climbing wall and then Karen walked past and went, oh, can I have a turn? And they harnessed her in

and she climbed up and all of the like year 11, year 10 lads were just standing at the bottom just staring up at her ass. I was like, lads, lads, at least try and hide when they were like she's got a cracking arse

I was like lads at least look at the floor for god's sake that is hilarious she actually Karen shouted at me because one night we had to stay late

and we were dancing in the gym bit and she went to the toilet and the trampolines were in the corner and because I didn't get my full trampoline lesson that time

I went on the trampoline and she was like get off the trampolines were in the corner and because I didn't get my full trampoline lesson that time, I went on the trampoline and she was like, get off the trampolines, you fucking idiot. We've got the show on Saturday. Yeah, you're ridiculous. You go on our trampoline. We've got a sunken trampoline

in the garden and you do backflips. It's ridiculous. I was just about to say, can I not land a backflip perfectly? That's all I want to know. That's all I want to know. Yeah, you can,

but there'll be one day you don't and you'll break your face. My face? And who am I going to go on tour with? Eh? Don't know yet, but I'll find someone. See if you think I'm cancelling any gigs. You're wrong.

Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that have been. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Sheg Meriden.

Shit. Yeah. Did I do it well? You just sang the same as me. If you're going to harmonise. No, I just did the same one. Sheg Meriden. Shit.

Oh, God. Shit. What? What? Shit. God. Shit. What? What? Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Shag married and shit. Yes. Is that it? That was it. One more. Shag married and shit.

There you go. There you are. Yeah. Well done. Is there anything this guy can't do? Back flips. God. Rescuing people who've passed out. Oh. I'll tell there anything this guy can't do backflips god

rescuing people who've passed out oh I'll tell you one thing I can't do two things I can't book a hotel can't book a hotel

Mr Ramakesh I'm very excited to have a Let's Talk About shit this is very exciting hi Rosie and Chris Chris sorry no not Chris

Mr Ramakesh oh fantastic please keep me anonymous everyone from my very large multinational... Oh, I'll not keep carrying on. But from a very large workplace. Ah, okay. And they'll know exactly which one it happened in.

Ah, okay. One day, everyone started to get emails from the health and safety manager about dirty protests in the men's toilets. Good grief. The email never went into detail, but speaking to male colleagues, these consisted of shit in the men's toilets. Good grief. The email never went into detail, but speaking to male colleagues, these consisted of shit in the sink, shit on the floor,

writing message and shit on the walls, shit on the toilet lid slash seat. Where do you work? What the hell? Is that like, that's like a song, isn't it? Eh? Shit in the sink, shit on the floor, writing messages and shit on the wall, shit on the toilet lid slash seat bitch

yeah it's quite good to the window to the wall to the wall we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn different song so carry on

it was a medley oh okay right this went on for several days about twice a week oh my gosh dirty bastards one day we received an email

that the men's toilets were closed as someone had had a rapid discharge in there. Oh. Rapid discharge. What a sentence. Awful, isn't it?

Who's come up with that? Rapid discharge. Who's sat in their office and went, someone's done it again. Some dirty, dirty fucking bastard has shat everywhere.

We can't say that in the email. We cannot say that. Imagine if that gets leaked to head office. Ironically. Yeah. What are we going to call it? What are we going to call it?

I just don't understand these people who... Right, come on. Come on. To date, it is the most hilarious email I've ever received. It said this. Dear employees of... Building name. Please be advised that there has been

an incident of rapid discharge in the male toilet this morning. An employee has discharged their bowels with great velocity over the toilet, cubicle and floor. What? They have then attempted to clear or smear the mess with their underwear. Oh my

God! Why were they not sitting down? I don't know. This makes life very difficult for the cleaners. Could I please ask that all employees allow adequate time

to position themselves on the facilities correctly before discharging their bowels in future? They've took their trousers

off and it's just gone fire hose before they've even sat down. Is that what they've concluded? Yeah.

Rapidly discharge their bowels. I should have said that instead of she soiled herself through that hair. That would have been much better. Right. Sorry, can we get a hotel room?

She's just rapidly discharged her bowels. It's horrible. Rapidly discharged. Rapidly discharged Also known as shit themselves. Just when you're sitting

watching Netflix on a night. Sorry, love, can you just pause that? I'll not be long. I'm just going to quickly rapidly discharge the bowels and come straight back. Oh, love you.

Love you. Rank. People have rank on there. Who's doing that, though? Who's doing that? Why do people do that? What is it? There must be something...

I can't get my head around it. I don't know what they get from it. I do not know what they get from it. It's something, though, isn't it? Yeah, it's got to be some kind of rush, some kind of buzz. Same as graffiti, do you know what I mean? Yeah it's the same as succession me not sorry no spoilers yeah when he's masturbating over the window oh yeah yeah it's got to be something something like that isn't

it yeah yeah yeah you said something funny just before this podcast i doubt it very much no you said something because uh we stayed in a hotel the other week that had like big windows big glass windows and it was like one of them if you had the kind of had the filthy sort of desire you could have sex up against them if you wanted to

you said to me because we're on the telly and that well yes we'd have to put paper bags over our heads just you

I that is unkind you're being nasty to me and you need to pack it in i'm totally joking i love you um yeah so my thing is obviously in my head i always go like i i rapidly discharge thoughts in my head and they go and i go from sort of here to be quite quickly and i sort of sat and i was looking at the windows and i was like i was like i wonder if people have ever had sex against this and i was like would i like to have sex against this and then i was like i probably couldn't have sex against this because people be there's chris and rosa ramsay off the telly so i was like we'd have to put like bags on my heads or like a balaclava but then if we put like a balaclava with just the eyes

of the mouth holes i just had a funny feeling that someone'd be like there's terrorists there's terrorists having sex in that window and it would just be our look that like when i got arrested in the hotel armed police would kick down a door for two terrorists just because of balaclava well we've got the we've got the we've got the reporter

we had to come up with a terrorist what off someone who's been playing on a computer game and knows that that's what a terrorist looks like

off of a 90s movie him off what's it what's the channel 4 program that used to have the balaclava on yeah what's it

phone jacker phone jacker I think phone jacker is shagging someone against that window phone jacker is shagging female phone jacker is shagging someone against that window phone jacker is shagging female phone jacker against that window

go check it out in real life though I don't think I would like that I don't think I'd like that at all well I don't like sex standing up anyway

horrible just imagine someone just looking up someone checks their phone or just looks up I don't know just like alright what am I doing

some people love stuff like that do you like sex stood up I like a bed I just find it's just not it it's like i'm telling you now right speaking as a woman i don't know maybe i'm wrong are you i don't think any woman really enjoys it because it's mightily uncomfortable or is that because i'm short are you just lazy when I'm in the bedroom. Listen. Listen. No I used to be a lot more energetic. I'm not anymore. I'm too tired. But just

stood up sex. Not great like. It's just uncomfortable. I think I'm too little. I think I'm too little and I've always had tall partners. So it's just been like is this worth it? There's a perfect. there's a bloody, there's all kinds of furniture in this room. Why are we standing up, mate?

What the fuck's going on? And then you go on your tiptoes and you get a cramp in your calf. That's happened before. Oh, Jesus Christ. And you just go, what the fuck? Yeah. Ah, ah, ah.

Oh, yeah, it's great, isn't it? No, I've got cramp. Oh, fuck. Dick. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of mr marrakesh not marrakesh trying to be funny what an idiot backfired thank you for listening to shagmarinoid which is part of the acast creator network thank you so much for listening as always if you want to get in touch shagmarinoid at gmail.com send wall that stuff the tour dates are on sale and

hull has been moved sorry and thank you we love you my fault bye bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi kesh her way the visionary behind

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