Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 216. Open!

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie have oven problems and there is some charger based beef. They discuss the pitfalls of espresso martinis and get nostalgic over hot tubs. QFTP's cover some petite crime, dirty sheets and an unfortunate photo mishap. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Mrs... Oh, Mr. Meal. You forgot them. I fucking forgot it. Sorry, did Mr. Meal get married?

Is Mr. Meal... She's been married... She's now a missus. This is where they did it, at that posh hotel. No, I was going to say something else, because we are a bit snuffly. We are a bit snuffly.

I sound a bit snuffly. Have we got a cold? I've had a lot of first offence this morning to the point of where I imagine I'm going to have some side effects for how much first offence I had. This is not a first offence advert. They do not sponsor this in any way.

I'm sure other nasal sprays are available. But as soon as I start feeling, as soon as one of the kids coughs or has a little sneeze, I'm like, right, let's get on this. First offence to shit out myself this morning. I need some because we have got a busy old couple of weeks coming up.

Busy couple of weeks. up busy couple of weeks but the thing is though i woke up i'm chris bramsey by the way hello you listen to chris bramsey chris bramsey chris bramsey you're looking at pushing that pram down the street it's chris bramsey everyone what a great dad pram's empty um you're such a good dad i woke up this morning with like a pain in that that bit between your nose and your mouth but i didn't know if it was because i was snoring because i had a couple of beers yesterday so i was like i must have been snoring no i don't think you were well you didn't kick as our punches in your sleep so i must well how can i kick a punch here in your sleep when we've got a seven-year-old in between us

oh yeah yep yep honestly rave sleeping through the night good as gold robin back in our bed just all giving it the guilt trip touch wood don't want to jinx it but rave's currently doing basically 11 hours in his own bed, which is just, I'll try to fist bump you. Feel me, touch me. I'll try to fist bump you,

but since I put this extra table in the middle, I can't really reach. It's actually quite, either way, we're fist bumping. We kind of just tingle each other's fingers like that.

And if you think I'm leaning over, then you've got another thing coming. That Michelangelo painting when God's just touching the guy's hand. Ah yeah, I know all my history. So yeah,

so Robin is now in the middle of the bed in between. But, so know all my history. So yeah, so Robin is now in the middle of the bed in between. But, so we had that thing where I basically said to him, look, stay in your own bed all night, Robin.

Stay in your own bed all night. I'll get you, you know, if you do it all week, we'll go out on Saturday and get you a little treat if you can do it every night. First night you did it, I missed him.

So on Tuesday I went, scrap that, come in whenever you want. Well, he's seven now and he's massive. He's massive seven year old he's not like a little pokey seven year old he's huge and i'm just very aware every time i hug him i'm like he's just getting bigger and there's gonna be a day my sister said it

the stop coming in and it's gonna break my heart so actually i didn't give a shit yeah he's in the bed and i love it there we go there we go but are you okay apart from being a bit snuffly are you all right do you know what bit snuffly, are you alright? Do you know what? I am, you know. You're all dressed up for the podcast today. It's a bit weird

to get wedding rings on and everything. Are you trying to prove who you're trying to flirt with? I wear these every day. Who are you expecting to come in here? Who knows?

You never know, do you? Always be prepared. Be hired at Office Junior that you fancy that I don't know about and he's going to come in with a little tight pants and a little bum.

I'd be good if you hired someone to be in here while we just slob and cough and just splurge everywhere anyway look guys thank you so much for being here

thank you so much for listening it is episode 216 although I got that wrong three times when we were busy starting I said 126 and then I said 226

anyway it's 216 and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is take it away espresso martinis on a

night out why why oh no i can't what do you do you want to go to sleep when you get in you fucking psychopath nah oh she's on board she's on board with this one daisy who edits this podcast yeah she loves them she's on them how do you drink them you're a maniac espresso i'll tell you what i'm gonna tell you right now i'm gonna tell you right now. I don't get it right. I'm going to tell you everything that's wrong with Espresso Martinis. Hey, you want to have a terrible night's sleep? You want to give your hangover that nice panicky anxious kick? You need to

get yourself an Espresso Martini. Ooh, hey. Go on. Be clever. Drink them all fucking night. Go on. That's an Espresso. That's a shot of coffee. You massive tosser. You massive, massive, pretentious dickhead. No, no, Daisy, I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right now.

You think you're posh, Daisy? You think you're posh? Everyone out there standing drinking an espresso martini, you think you're posh? Think about it. You're not. Think about it. Why?

Because basically, it's just a vodka Red Bull. Oh. It's just a vodka Red Bull, mate. Posh vodka Red Bull. That's all a vodka red bull mate posh vodka red bull that's all it is they do taste nice I can appreciate I can

oh I've got three coffee beans floating in this one as well oh well fucking oh do you know what's really sad do you know what really fucking winds me up

when you go to a bar right and they're like we do cocktails and you're like oh my god they do cocktails and they're just like on tap cocktails what do you mean

I've been to a bar where they do espresso martinis and they're just like out of a thing machine yeah and i'm like no no no no no where's the man a woman flaring yeah mixing the shit excuse me why is he not throwing a silver why is he not throwing a silver jug all over the place like a dickhead they cost like nine quid crazy i'm not a fan of espresso martinis no is it expresso or espresso espresso nice I'd just like to

clarify that you've been saying expresso I've been saying expresso yeah that's embarrassing just another

I don't get it another layer in the onion of stupid things you've said for your entire life my mate Steph sometimes

can come here at like 7 o'clock in the afternoon and have a coffee and I'm like how are you doing that I can't drink coffee after 2 o'clock have you just invented a new time 7 o'clock in the afternoon, have a coffee. And I'm like, how are you doing that? I can't drink coffee after two o'clock.

Have you just invented a new time? Seven o'clock? In the afternoon. Seven o'clock in the afternoon, you said. It is, isn't it? Late nights? Is it at night?

Is that night then? I would say seven o'clock is the evening if I was going to be pedantic, which I am always on this podcast. All right, you are pedantic. I've got a lot of things going on in my brain right now. God, it was 9pm in the morning. What's Robin say?

Mum, what time are we going there? Is it midday o'clock? Well, he started seeing, he started putting a question mark on the other stuff. He started seeing question mark and exclamation mark. Dad, where's my trainers question mark? I go, sorry? He's such a noob in a noob at life no i think he watches out have you noticed recently so i don't know if you know this right but we're banned youtube kids on his ipad yeah because my mom

sent us a sent us a thing out the telegraph and it it resonated right not much to send us resonated but this did because i just don't like the constant scrolling it's the kids what do they call it the scroll of doom or doom scrolling it's the it's the non-stopness of it yes whereas these games if he plays these little games on his ipad it's a self-contained little thing he plays the game he plays it until he's bored he turns out but with youtube kids and you're obviously with social media and stuff that doesn't have a random youtube it's non-stop. Do you like that?

He has another, he has another, he has another. And it does something to his little brain. The scary thing in this article said that what they want to do, what they want to introduce to children is screens with multiple things going on at the same time. Horrible. So on the screen, there could be four different videos because they said kids nowadays, sadly, kids don't, they're really good at skimming, which probably is a good skill to have but at the same time they do not

actually retain they don't take in any information because there's so much going on and they're always just looking at the next thing to watch does that make sense and as well the reality is completely warped they don't understand what is real and what is fake because they see so much things online nowadays of like pretend things pranks and all that kind of shit. It's terrifying, right? So I was like, look, you can watch YouTube kids, but you can watch it in the sitting room.

I mean, I regret it that massively because I can't fucking stand the shit he watches. It was a really bad choice. Or you can watch it in his bedroom, but he doesn't scroll. So like he can change the video, but he's got to do it on the remote and he sits and actually watches a video

rather than just, that's what I didn't like it was the scrolling it might be bollocks I mean you've got the blue light bullshit apparently but something about that's on phones

and tablets and it's that blue light stuff that does that makes you feel like shit yeah so or whatever no it's true it does to us

it might be old school bollocks but I just feel better when he's sitting watching a TV screen do you know what I mean rather than listen

hang on a minute. The iPad was the best thing ever invented and I am absolutely... Don't think that I'm slagging the iPad off. I am all for the iPad. Like, our kids watch iPads.

I'm not trying to be like, my child doesn't watch an iPad. No, they fucking absolutely do. Rafe's on it when I'm getting ready. They're amazing. Even Sandra said she wishes she had them

when we were kids. Oh, it's amazing too yeah I just hate I just hate the mind it's just this I just and Robin

I don't know if I know that other kids aren't like that I know that kids can just give up their iPad and be like yeah I'm done now Robin is not like that

he's not that kid he's literally like he turns into a demon so just over the years I don't know and I read that and it just resonated

anyway now what I was going to say this was my point I was getting to every time he watches goes berserk so we've just over the years I don't know and I read that and it just resonated anyway now what I was going to say this was my point I was getting to every time he watches one of those stupid videos of people playing

Mr Beast and all that shit I enjoy them very much I know you love it but every time there's a guy on there or a girl and they're like calm

and they're speaking nicely I'm like I like this one Robin who's this and he went the other day he went why do you keep

commenting on all this stuff? I was like, because he's not screaming. Like, why do they scream? Yeah, they're just, so they try and make moments bigger than they are. They'll just be playing this game

and they'll be like, and they're such and such and they're always American and oh my God, where's he coming from? And he's coming from, and then he went, and he's coming from, no, where's he coming from and then he went and he's coming from

nowhere and I'm like oh my god I'm having a nervous breakdown oh my god did you guys see that he just oh

fucking dude I get it I've got to give myself a little bit of oh I need to calm down that was horrible but yeah so so now

and that's where that's come from that's why you're not a hundreds of million pound a year earning YouTuber who plays our games because every time

you shout you get a bit upset I do it's upset us a little bit I'm really sorry it's made us all a bit on edge but that's what

then but then that's in our sitting room yeah I enjoy the Minecraft ones what was it without yous put on that I had to sit

and watch and pretend that it that fucking what was it was it? What? Was it the thing where they kept, it was the Lego, but he made loads of different shit?

That was amazing. How dare you? How dare you? That was great. It was like, he's an engineer and he makes loads of amazing stuff out of Lego. Fuck.

Oh no, he was seeing how long it would get the car to go over a gap. Yeah, that was it. So he kept pulling the table apart and he was making this Lego car. Oh, that was in heaven.

Why can't they just... I'd watch that over any sport. I just wanted them to watch nice films and try to watch The Lion King the other day. Robin, hate it, turn it off. Yeah, but he does that every sort of 10 minutes. He watches it for 10 minutes. And then he goes, I hate this, turn it off.

And he watches it again. It's like he's trying to wake up from a nightmare. He's such a dick. It's really strange. I just feel like he's like, I know. Why am I watching this? Why am I watching this? It's such a dick. It's really strange. I just feel like he's like, I know. Why am I watching this? Why am I watching this? It's actually quite good.

Why am I watching this? Turn it over here. What a wonderful thing. No, mama, tell you I hear. I just can't wait to my dad's deed.

That's what he's saying there. I saw, you know what, I was watching, when we were watching Lion King, I had a revelation. He's actually singing. He's saying, I saw you know what I was watching when we were watching Lion King I had a revelation he's actually singing

he's saying I just can't wait to be king but he doesn't it's really sad he doesn't realise that to be king his dad has to be dead

so he's literally saying I just can't wait to my dad's deed I was singing that in the shower the other day I think they sing that in the real

the version on the stage on Broadway yeah yeah I wrote it for them I wrote it for them I just can't wait for my dad to be deed yeah yeah I wrote it for them I wrote it for them I just can't wait for my dad to be deed yeah yeah

I wrote it for them I get £3 every time they do it wow where's all that money don't you worry about it it's before we got together it's me old

Lion King royalties oh my god she'll play the intro jingle play the jingle oh just something do you want to hear something really sad

make me a bit icky always one of the husbands from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wrote The Lion King it came up

on the credits and I was like ah there he is oh god yeah oh wrote The Lion King

he wrote all the songs and stuff and it came up on the credits and I was like I thought Elton John wrote all the songs he did Cirque of Life

didn't he oh look I don't care I don't care oh my god I don't care. I don't care. Oh, my God, I don't care. Jingle, jingle. I had a fight about the jingle. Here we go.

We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle.

Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle. Welcome back. His name is Rob Minkoff and he actually directed it. There we go. So, information doesn't stay very well in my head when I'm watching Real Housewives. It doesn't go in. Yeah.

It doesn't go in, does it? Well, I knew he had something to do with it. Okay, that'll be wise. Oh, he did Stuart Little as well. Oh, that'll be why he's got all the money for his wife to piss about on the telly arguing with other wives, eh? Eh?

Misogyny. It's funny here because it's just... Misogyny. What does Crystal's husband do? He's actually got quite a cool job. What does Crystal's husband do?

Yeah, I love that though. Yeah, stay in your lane, Rob. Yeah, yeah, Rob. Crystal's time to shine. Yeah, Rob, look at you. Look at you. Rob, if your career is not arguing with other people on the telly have you even got a career don't you slag off real housewives i love it what oh rob how embarrassing look here composing songs or directing whatever it was

anyway listen yes um so we've been busy busy busy busy uh We've been up and down to London doing all kinds of stuff. Yeah. Being busyness. Sandra, I'm going to get straight to the point here. Oh, no. Yeah. Sandra is your mom. Right.

I know what you're going to talk about. Yeah. Your mom is essentially, she's like one of those sort of comedy conundrums. Yeah. Where, you know, you're sort of like, oh, you know, just off the top of my head, somebody like, right. Would you, you know, you can take this, you know you know i don't know genie gives you a wish or whatever you get like you get 10 000 pound a day for the rest of your life but it's in pennies

not one of them stupid things so it's like a good thing with a caveat your mom is literally a ready good thing with a caveat she is a good thing with a caveat so i came home the other day uh you stayed in london for a couple hours extra to do a game show which you swore you would never do a game show again which honestly didn't shouldn't have done it yeah no there we go done it again yeah it's almost like you go back on everything you're saying you've got no morals or opinions the money was good great um can't argueda! Sometimes you gotta do it for the coin, bitches! So, we came back, I came back home, and your incredible mother, Sandra, I love you.

I love her, right? I do love her, she's brilliant. She had looked after the kids. You know, Robin was, I picked up Robin from school, I brought him in. Rafe would sort of, he'd napped at the right time, the house was bloody spotless. She knows what she's doing.

She was like, here's two trays. Your veg was going out of date. So I've done two trays of roast veg with garlic. You can just pick that. I've done some chicken breast. I've done the kids a lasagna. All of this stuff was just ready for me to just put out.

I was like, this is amazing. You are phenomenal. And as she was leaving, she quickly turned and went, oh, by the way, that,

is that the oven that you use mainly? Because there's two ovens. She went, is that the oven that you use mainly? The sort of, the better one. and went, oh, by the way, is that the oven that you use mainly? Because there's two ovens. She went, is that the oven that you use mainly? The sort of the better one. I went, yes, it is. She went, right. I went, you've broken it, haven't you? She went, well, no, because there's always something.

She's always done something. She always goes, remember that you were away a little while ago? And she went, your toaster, your toaster's broken. I turned it on and it turned off all the electrics. Hasn't done it since. Don't know what the fuck she did. I don't know if she had a fucking fork in the socket. I don't know what the fuck she did. I don't know if she had a fucking fork in the socket. I don't know what she did.

I don't know if she put a metal knife into the toaster. I don't know what she did but she tripped all the electrics. So I'm like, you've broken it, haven't you? And she went, no, you could have given me

a hundred guesses and I would never have come up with what she'd done. Guys, you will not believe what she did. She turned to me and I said, have you broken it?

And she said, no, well, I don't know how I've done it, but now it's in Greek. I went, sorry, sorry, what? She went, I don't know how, but somehow I've changed the language and I think now it's in Greek.

Malaka. It wasn't in Greek. It was in Russian. It was in Russian. I had to take a photo of it and I think now it's in Greek. Malaka. It wasn't in Greek. It was in Russian. It was in Russian. I had to take a photo of it and then scan the text and translate it. iPhone is fucking incredible. Yeah.

So I had to take a photo of every single screen on the menu and then translate all of it and then work back and find out which one it was to change the language. It must have taught us. Because it's like a fancy oven

with words on and that. No, do you know what I mean? It's not just numbers. It's menus and all that that. No, do you know what I mean? It's not just numbers. It's menus and all that shit. Sorry, do you work for the company? Do you work for the company or sell this? Hello, AJ. Hello, yeah.

Right. An oven, yeah, no problem. What kind of one do you want? Do you want one with knobs or do you want a fancy one with words and shit? Or do you want words and shit? Right, now, I'm talking to you now. I'm assuming you want it English, but it does also come in Russian. My ma thinks it's Greek-like, but it does come in Russian. Do you want Russian or English shit right now i'm talking to you now i'm assuming you want english but it does also come in russian my mom thinks it's greek like but it does come in russian do you want russian or english english right english i'll put you down for english fancy one words and shit

yeah next day delivery thank you for calling jordy gas and gas and electrics jesus i know yeah so it's a bit of a smart oven in it but yeah that's what i meant yeah but the thing that i found the funniest right was you yeah you did end up fixing it right took us an hour and a half yeah but then you you called me over and you went right you went i just want to show you this and then you showed me how she got to there unbelievable ridiculous mad she she shouldn't have been anywhere near that to cook in that oven she didn't need to be anywhere near that that menu menu after menu after menu

it's literally you had to scroll so much and click so many times far far far into a menu but in her defence right

so me mum and dad split up how long's it been now how long's it been like 15 years something like that right and so she's on her own

and she's really good at doing stuff like she's proper self-sufficient I think she is she's on her own and she's really good at doing stuff. Like she's proper self-sufficient. I think she is. She's brilliant. And so our fridge was broke, remember? And instead of getting the guy out, she just Googled it and she like fixed it herself. She had to take the back off and that and she did loads of stuff and she fixed it.

Yeah, yeah. But how the fuck can she do that? And then ends up putting our... She doesn't give a shit when she comes to our house. No, she just fucking ham ham fisted stuff ends up everywhere I told you in the past my main problem with your mam

is she has got no respect for where a toy should be played with so inside toys become outside toys non bath toys

become bath toys it's just it's fucking free for all I'll go in the garden and there'll be something electronic fucking covered in rain water

and I'm like why'd she brought the bin wanted to bring it outside well if you wanted to bring a fucking telly out would you let them take a telly out Sandra

but yeah she's very self sufficient to the point of where if we were away for a few more days I believe she'd have probably just learnt Russian it's time for what's your beef

what's your beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef

beef beef what's your beef my Hey, what's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. What's your beef? My beef with you is, on television, when we are being interviewed, you are sickly, sickly, sweetly nice to me. Yet in real life and on here, you treat me like a piece of shit. Fuck off.

And then on telly, right, exactly. On telly, you are so nice, right? And I'm not that nice to you so I look like a bitch yeah but you why do you do this what's your

what's your game what's your ploy you are so nice we did the Mo Gilligan show we recorded it the other week it's on this Friday actually it's on today it's on tonight

oh yeah late-ish with Mo Gilligan late-ish sorry Chris you are so nice to us which is lovely yeah but

I wasn't in that sort of headspace because we normally talk to each other like dirt. Yet you turned it on and you were really nice and so I look like a dick. At one point, I think I made a face like, what's he saying? Okay, so it's a multiple-pronged attack, to be honest with you,

and your thoughts behind it. My first thought behind it is, on the Mo Gilligan show, that might be a new audience who don't know who we are. A bloke being nasty and snipey to his wife, who you've never seen before, doesn't really rub well with an audience.

You're a liar. Well, as a woman just having a bit of a snipe at a book, it's more acceptable and it's a bit funnier. Fair enough. It's a bit funnier. So all the new viewers can think I'm a bitch. Exactly. So then, yeah, part two as a woman, just having a bit of a snipe at a book, it's more acceptable and it's a bit funnier. Fair enough. It's a bit funnier. So all the new viewers can think I'm a bitch. Exactly. So then, yeah, part two of that is all the new viewers will think you're a dick.

And then I'll get to see little tweets, random tweets like, oh, I saw these two on the Mo Gilligan show. Never heard of them before, but why is she such a bitch to that really nice guy? And, you know, I just screen grab them and masturbate furiously over them later. Oh, ew. Ew. Imagine masturbating over words. And, you know, I just screen grab them and masturbate furiously over them later. So... Imagine masturbating over words. I bet people do. I imagine so.

Well, didn't they used to do them things in porn mags where there was a reader story, but it was clearly written by you. Oh, well, yeah. Okay, all right. Okay, fair enough. Yes, you absolutely can. I just mean in actual words.

What do you mean? I meant like horrible words. Like horrible words. Like somebody saying that you're a dick and that. Like, you absolutely can. I just mean in actual words. What do you mean? I meant like horrible words. Like horrible words. Like somebody saying that you're a dick and that. Like, oh, yeah. There is that. But yeah, of course you can read a story, a sexy story. People just ask me the wrong words all the time.

Well, I'm completely wrong. You've said another silly. You've said another silly. We're currently up to the point in, we're not giving too much away, but we're currently at the point in succession where someone is masturbating over someone else having a go at them

yeah I think that's what I meant what a great show do you know something that was really silly that happened at the Mo Gilligan show what

when I was getting my makeup done the lass was doing my eyes and she went open and I opened my mouth and she went

I know your eyes sorry I'm not here to get a fill in why did I open literally I was just And she went, I know your eyes. Sorry, I'm not here to get a fill in. Why did I open it? Literally, I was just sat there. And she was on my eyes and she was like, right, open. I went, I just opened my mouth

and I was like, no, not the right thing to open. Oh, God. What a fucking diva. Open legs. Shut your legs, love. My Beef With You. Oh, God, god i forgot this has um this has been going on a while but it's ramped up because we started traveling and going to london and stuff together and going

and doing doing work together recently leaving the house yeah um i have i have who'd have thought i have a very specific working system for the phone chargers in this house. Oh, for fuck's sake. I knew you were going to bring this up. You have zero respect for my phone charger system in this house. And it's happened for a long time now,

but it's starting to get... What is your system? My system is, there's a charger in the kitchen, there's a charger in the living room, which is also on an iPad plug so it can do iPads and phones. system is there's a charger in the kitchen there's a charger in the living in the living room which is also on an ipad plug so it can do ipads and phones there's a charger at your side of the bed there's a charger at my side of the bed there's a charger in your little dressing room thing then

there's a charger in your bag to take away and there's a charger in my bag to take away you think you think but somehow somehow it's not very good somehow it's not enough chargers. Because what you do, what you do, you stop singing to deflect how much of an idiot you are. There's a charger in the kitchen. What am I going to do? There's a charger in the bedroom. You take a charger.

You take a charger. You pack a charger. You take it away, right? You pack a charger. You take it away. We'll come back, right? You either lose that charger or just leave it in your bag then you go

and take one of the chargers from somewhere else in the house bought with my money by the way my half my money my money

I'm not debating that they're half yours yeah everything is 50-50 oh god forbid I use them not in this specific place because you shoot me down

you take them from that place oh god you must have a bag somewhere where am I living God forbid I use them not in this specific place. Shoot me down! You take them from that place. Oh, God. You must have a bag somewhere. Where am I living? What am I living in this hell? Where are you living? You're living in the fucking Apple shop by the sounds of things because you must have a bag somewhere with about 600 fucking chargers in it

because you take one from somewhere else and you go and then you come back and magically that's gone so you take one from somewhere else. I had to buy three new chargers the other day off Amazon because you just fucking took them. Honestly, take it. Go away. Come back.

It's in your bag. It's not in my bag. I'll take the one from the kitchen. Right, now there's none in the kitchen. Oh, well, one from my side of the bed. Excuse me. Have you ever thought this might be Robin? No, I haven't because it only happens when we go away.

Nah. I've seen you do it. Stop it. I've seen you. I bought colour coordinator chargers the other day. So I've. Nah. I've seen you do it. Stop it. I've seen you. I bought colour coordinator chargers the other day, so I've got you. I've got your bank to rights, right? Red one your side of the bed,

blue one my side of the bed, grey one kitchen. What happened to that really long pink one I had last year? What did happen to it? I don't know. What did happen to it? I don't know. Tell you what happened.

Maybe it's up your cock. I wish it was that long. Some fucker checked into a hotel after you and got a free pink charger. That's what happened. And I'm now you what happens. Maybe it's up your cock. I wish it was that long. Some fucker checked into a hotel after you and got a free pink charger. That's what happened. And I'm now down a charger. Stop it. Oh, God.

Have some foresight and planning and thinking about yourself, will you? I can't. Honestly. In my defense, they all look the same. Not anymore. They're color coordinated. And why is my iPad charger, wise me iPad charger,

different than my phone charger, and different than my laptop charger. Honestly, get in the bin. The whole system is rigged, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this. It's different. Yeah, iPads are not different.

It is different. It is, I swear to God, it is. I've tried it before. You're going to have to apologise to God when you get up to heaven. He's getting out from there. But because, wow. You're going to have to apologise to God when you get to heaven,. He's getting out from there. Wow. You're going to have to apologise to God when you get to heaven because

it's the same. It's not. Go and get me iPad. Oh, do you mean the plug? I mean the thing. The lead? It is. It's USBC. Before Christ. What's Apple on here? US before Christ. Your phone's USAD

US I know Domini right stop it right just have a charger Chris that's not something I can promise that I'll ever stop

why why though why why are you listening to how I rate it's making us and going well I'll just not change

because it's my life and this is how I live what do you mean this is how you live what just fucking flitting through life throwing chargers in bins and just leaving them places? I don't do it deliberately.

But I can't promise that I'm not going to stop. In my head, right? They're very small and I don't know which bag they're in. I don't know which bag they're in. In my head now, you're just walking down the street with a charger, just spinning it round, just waiting for it to fly off and going, oh, oh, I'm gone. Sometimes, sometimes I leave them in the plug

and then you take your phone And that's what's happened I've left it in that plug at the hotel Right It's all coming back It's all coming back to me now Oh good we got a fucking song out of it Fuck's sake You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishikesh Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH. The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca That's sunrisechallenge.ca Rosie, I've been trying really hard and I've actually spotted some icks in life that I can bring to the table so can we have a specific ick section

jingle please? What was it again? Come on, man. I hate you so much right now! i hate you so much right now i hate you so much right now i do believe it was hey no so much right it was ew you're so disgusting ick wasn't it god so what was that one i'll do that one instead go on then just on them both you're so disgusting. Ick.

I miss songs on you. So I have, I've got three icks to bring to the table. Where have you got these from? Life. So these are from your very eyes? Two that I've seen recently. And I was like, oh, okay, that could be an ick. I imagine that could be an ick. And then one that I got told yesterday.

Oh, are any of them about me? No, none of them about you. So my ick, one of my icks is people who take photos or more specifically videos, video things with an iPad. Oh, I know. I just, I don't know if I've said it before, but when someone's just standing holding an iPad, videoing for ages, you know, you're at a fucking protest. Yeah. Like, oh, you're at a fucking protest yeah like oh they're holding a sign

what's on the side oh is it a placard oh no it's an iPad it's sad because there is the option on that to do it so it makes I don't know what it is

it should be able to do it but it's just making no it is it is horrible I don't know why it's horrible photos are worse when people take photos

with an iPad and then you see the partner stood next to me go you've got to have sex with that you've got to have sex with that. You've got to have sex with that taking a photo. A body strength though. Look how long they held

that iPad for. That is true. Hard as nails. Sexy. Another one, leaving your torch on on your phone. You know when someone

doesn't realise they've got their torch on on their phone. Yeah. Everyone around them is just scrambling to tell them they've got that. Yeah.

It's really strange. Have you ever seen someone put their phone in their pocket and the torch is still on and you can see a little light shining through their pants it's only certain people in the world do that you know yeah you would think i would but i never do that i know i'm a bit care i know i'm careless and fancy free with charges and shit but i'm not like that charge on your phone at any point to have the torch on because you've lost i've always got quite a good charge. Because there's so many charges. Also, people who don't turn their indicator off on the motorway.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in the bin. Having the phone torch through your pants, that's the new fly down for me. Is it? Yeah, yeah. Your phone torch is on and it's shining through your pants. Oh, God.

It's like there's a little lord light. Don't look at the light shining from your pants. We got told one yesterday off a friend of ours. Oh! So we've got to keep all names quiet. Anonymous. So a friend of ours was leaving somewhere with her husband and his friends were there

and he was saying goodbye to his friends. Yeah. And he plays Call of Duty online with his friends. And apparently she's reported back to us that he just said the words, and I quote quote i'll see yous in the war zone now i i love online games i love computer games you know a bit of a nerd myself but that's one thing you've a lot I know a lot of blokes who play with their mates on like a Saturday night and that.

You don't play on a headset with your mates, do you? I haven't done it for years. I haven't done it for years because basically, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, when I first started stand-up and I had a lot of time, so I packed in uni, right? Obviously at uni I had a lot of time during the day anyway, but then I packed in uni and I was just doing gigs on a night,

so I was driving to gigs and I had lots of time although you claim to be like writing loads of stuff you're not you're sort of just trying to perfect the stuff you've already got

so there's nothing else to do I was unbelievable on Call of Duty like me and my mates used to play all the time and me and another lad were basically top of the server all the time

and then I had a few years off and all of the children in the world are amazing now and I won't play online because children are far too fucking good at it on the beat yeah

horrible it's just demoralising hate it absolutely hate it so that's why I don't play online and that's why you won't see you in the war zone for me

babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public public oh is it the coronation it is the public questions from the public public public oh is it the coronation

it is the coronation oh yes yes it's just because questions from the public is just politics and then it brings us onto the monarchy

just a world we don't live in right sometimes I go into the posh right of dee dee dee I think I can speak for everyone listening where we thought

there was a new character coming and we got very excited oh no I couldn't keep that accent up for very long it's very very posh I can only do it new character coming and we got very excited. Oh no I couldn't keep that accent up for very long. It's very very posh.

I can only do it for so long and I get very very I've got a very small mouth when I do it actually. As always guys if you want to send anything in it's

shaggedmaridonoid at gmail.com. Are we watching it? I'm going to watch it. The Coronation. Bought a biscuit

tin haven't I? Tell it in there. Yes you bought three biscuit tins You bought one for Kate One for your mum And one for you Because you think That it'll never happen again But guess what

I don't mean to be No no it's not that It's not that I don't think It'll happen again It'll happen again In our lifetimes Pretty soon It's not that I don't think

It'll happen again Just I remember When I was younger Me grandad Kept a gas mask From the war And I took it into school yeah

one of the best days of my life one of the best days of my life you're thinking that our children's children yeah will get the same reaction

when they take in your Tesco or whatever it was McVitie's McVitie's biscuit tin well now he said it probably not

but three of which you have. Yeah. Wow. You think our grandkids are going to go into school and go... No, I just thought that it would be nice to go. Look, we were alive then. Is that so bad?

No. I mean, it's not a gas mask, is it? I think you're right. It's nowhere near the... But then again, you know what? At the time, everyone had a gas mask, I suppose. That is true. Oh, my gosh, yeah, that is true.

They all had one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not three. Yeah. Not three. No. But it was pretty cool. I wonder where that is, you know?

I'm going to have to ask my nana. Where the gas mask is. Because Robin could feel the same sort of rush that I felt taking that gas mask to his school. Well, Robin, yesterday we went to the arcade and Robin won a load of tickets and in the machine you pick what you want and Robin won a load of tickets and in the machine, you pick what you want. And Robin won some false teeth,

some like dirty, joke false teeth. And he put them on this morning to go to school because he wanted to show everyone his false teeth, his joke teeth. And weirdly, my dad text us just at that moment because my dad's away playing golf in Turkey at the minute. My dad text us at the moment. He said, how is everyone? And I text my dad back saying, you'd be so proud. because my dad's away playing golf in Turkey at the minute. My dad texts us at the moment. He said, how is everyone?

And I text my dad back saying, you'd be so proud. Such a dad's back. Robin just hide some joke teeth in and went to school to show everyone. And my dad just texts back, that's my boy. Hello, Chris and Rosie. I work in an office and saw the strangest thing over lunch the other day. Okay, exciting. There were three of us in that day and at lunchtime we all sat at our desk having our lunches

when I noticed one of my colleagues had a loaf of bread on their desk. I thought, eh, he must be making a sandwich. But no, that's all he had, a loaf of bread. Now, I'm not talking a nice crusty loaf. I'm talking a full sized loaf of Warburton's Toasty. Which, I have to say, is a very good bread. Oh yeah, in the orange paper. Yeah, it's mint. Me and my colleague

watched as he sat and ate it slice by slice. No butter. Fuck off. No ham. Oh. No nothing. Oh my word. A whole loaf of bread. Oh look, I like bread as much as the next guy. I'll probably say I like bread more than the next guy. Bit of bread and butter for me, yes, but that, no.

Yeah, he ate the whole bloody thing. Nah. Didn't take a sip of a drink the whole way through. Oh, my God. Dry bread. Obviously, as we are British and polite, me and my colleague tried to ignore it until we were both getting in our cars at the end of the day and my colleague said, did you see what I had for lunch which led us to stand for half an

hour in disbelief going how can you do it imagine what his boobs must be like um anyway i've developed a new ridiculous ick men eating bread come on's not no I'd get it it's a man eating a full loaf of bread wouldn't see a woman doing it you would not see a woman sitting

full loaf of dry bread I mean listen times might be hard and he might want it to get full but that is mad and I've thought of his new nickname

what's that sponge sponge just because he'll just be like just soak it all up spongy inside how could you eat a full loaf of bread without anything the question is could you eat a whole loaf of bread without a pick of butter no no absolutely not I mean again I don't know if this is something I've said before but whenever I see a whole loaf of unsliced bread I

always think of what me dad used to get for his lunch when he was younger I mean yeah that's amazing though which is one when he used to get for his lunch when he was younger. I mean, yeah, that's amazing, though. Which is one of the best things ever. When he used to hollow it out. So he'd take the lid off the loaf of bread, hollow it out, but he'd eat all the bread, the white bread from the inside, dry, but he'd obviously leave a layer, and then he'd fill it with chips. Lush. So it was just a loaf of bread filled with chips. And did he not put any gravy on it and out?

No, it'd just been salt and vinegar, loads of vinegar, loads of salt. Yeah, I mean, I would eat it. Yeah, it'd be fair. That's dry as well, though, isn't it? Yeah, I'd need a bit of ketchup, like like you'd have to dip that in curry sauce or something but oh it's a lot that's a stodge my lodge stodge not sponge stodge call him stodge yeah stodge my lodge i love putting my lodge on the end of everything is that just is that a nice thing or is that a jolly thing or is it a got no idea. Any time something rhymes with my lodge.

Todge my lodge. Splodge my lodge. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I discovered your podcast yesterday and was listening to the latest episode. Wow, emailed after one day. That's exciting. Yeah. Can I say that I was ugly laughing the whole way through

and have just started from episode one so they'd listen to the newest one and then went back to the beginning which is nice. Well, that's wonderful. Thank you.

And yeah, you'll probably hear this one now in a few years. It made it if they're still here. Yeah. It has my full dedication so I have a story

that I think belongs on smart. Sorry, if they're still here, them, the person listening, are you assuming they're going to die i don't mean died i just mean they might tail off cross on the roads danger jesus this life's not promised to everybody you mean i mean yeah god they might be doing that thing where they listen to the new and then an old one new and then it's when chris okay i't know who knows when I had my first baby I had a forceps birth

and had to be cut freaks me the fuck out forceps freak us out just horrible getting a baby out with a big pair of barbecue tongs just upsets us

it is mighty just upsets us it's really the whole thing what about the I'm not seeing the suction one my knees are going weird no yeah

all of it it's terrifying it's all terrifying the stick is just like a plug on its head. Sucking out. Manking it. That makes me want to cry. To cut a long story short, excuse the pun,

my scar became infected. Oh, for God's sake. I rang the doctors to tell them that I was in a lot of pain and that I needed to be seen. Bear in mind that this was during COVID, so there was no face-to-face appointments. Oh, yeah, they loved a bit of that. Yeah.

The nurse had spoken... Oh, nine, nine, nine. Me arms fell off. Can you click on Zoom? Do a Zoom, will you? Your arm just fell off. Stop shouting, come on. You're spitting on your mic,

which will give me COVID through the computer. Oh, he's there. Oh, he's finally coming out after a few years. Heard it. Heard it all! It was horrendous. Carry computer. Oh, he's there. Oh, he's finally coming out after a few years. Heard it. Heard it all! It was horrendous. Carry on.

Anyway, right. The nurse that spoke to me asked me to send a photo of my scar via a link she would send to my phone. Okay.

I was a bit taken aback but thought, the doctors, they know what they're doing. Oh no. I proceeded to squat over my phone and take

possibly the most disgusting photo ever known to man and uploaded via the link a few minutes later the nurse called back in fits of laughter in brackets very unprofessional wow and told me that my notes were wrong and that she thought i had a cesan. Only I could send unsolicited photos of my vagina to my local doctor's surgery. Oh, so she thought the scar, a caesarean scar. She's like, that's a fanny. Not a full vagina scar. That's a fanny.

Oh, my word. But they would have probably still asked to see that, though. Well, yeah. I mean, don't ring up laughing. What the hell? I know. Do you remember when Robin, I've wrote in my little notes here,

just to remind us, during lockdown, we hired a hot tub. Yeah. Very well done by Chris, actually. It was the day that we got locked down. One of my proudest moments had arrived a couple of hours

before we locked down. Yeah, sorry. So it was on the day. One of the proudest moments. We knew something was happening because we'd been in London, right? Yeah, no one in the North East gave a fuck. Yeah, it was all kicking off.

I was at this Tommy Tippy gig and someone had gloves on and a mask and i was like what the fuck's going on here yeah so we we knew right so chris ordered this hot tub and we're and then what happened was he locked her down so the guys couldn't come pick it up so we had a free hot tub for like a good few months right six week rental i kept for half a year it was class but um we didn't know much about hot tubs. Robin got an infection in his penis. Yeah, he went in so often he got an infection in his... Terrible parent bias.

It was basically his bath. And we didn't realise. Joking, it was his bath. It was his classroom. It was his play area. It was his bed. It was his exercise. The kid was fucking amphibious for six months.

We lived in his hot tub. I swear to God. Our neighbours must have fucking hated us. That's the thing as well. We never put photos on. We didn't mention it on the podcast at the time. We didn't put photos on. Because I saw, I think I saw a video when America got locked down

of Arnold Schwarzenegger in a hot tub smoking a cigar telling everyone to fucking stay home in his massive garden telling them to stay home and I was like fucking switch it on dude

like I know read the room sitting in your fucking hot tub on your farm saying everyone stay home it's easy stay stay stay home

alright dickhead you've got the best house in the world like no but so so but I've looked back recently at a few photos of it and it looks like

a giant fucking bin with soup in it it wasn't a few photos of it and it looks like a giant fucking bin with soup in it. It wasn't a great one to be big. It was fucking shit. If we'd have put it on, people would have been like, oh, bless them. Look at them.

Look at them stuck in that thing. It was horrible. But at the time we were like, no, we can't rub anything in anyone's faces. It was... The bin got an infection, Chris. It was grey.

It was riddled. The thing itself was grey the water was grey it looked like do you know I don't think you still get them you know you get the sort of mould

for a pond that you buy and B&Q in that way it's a big black plastic thing it looked like one of them I mean listen we loved it we did

and we bought one we've got one we've got a real one now but yeah Robin loved it too much I love it honestly I know what you're thinking right

because I was dead against it but it's the best thing ever apart from when you're going with the kids why because you can't have fun one of them's just oh no

just trying to fall into the water all the time Robin's just spitting everywhere yeah it's too hot for them to get out you can't enjoy it anyway so Robin got a little infection

and we had to take a picture of his penis and send it to the doctors but do you remember the moment I was like I don't know if I should send this do you know what I mean it was all a bit dodge wasn't it

yeah I really got a fright when it came up on me memories a year later oh yeah why have you got pictures

oh this is so awful I don't even know if we should talk about this it was for medical reasons yeah I know for medical reasons but yeah crazy

strange times strange times glad it's over just letting you know we never told them that it was for medical reasons yeah I know for medical reasons but yeah crazy strange times strange times glad it's over just letting you know we never told them that it was from the hot tub oh yeah yeah yeah

got some cream he was fine didn't need to know that we had been slow cooking him broiling him for months sorry have you

poached this four year old yes we poached him yes he fucking loved it he absolutely loved it. He absolutely loved it. He did love it. They were the only nice times we had during that time. I suppose.

I was so blind drunk, I can't remember. Oh God, I know what's over there. Hi Chris and Rosie. Just been listening to episode 185 where you were discussing stealing things from people's homes. Not expensive stuff, just things that would annoy them. Yeah. Well, well, well well well well years ago i used to work as a double glazing salesperson yeah we would visit people

in their homes and sell them our windows and doors i know how it works yeah yeah we had this thing whereby if a customer took up our time and didn't buy for some bullshit reason then as we Oh, you bastards! Wow! You bastards. In my defence, this was the best part of 25 years ago and I no longer condone this type of behaviour. I'm holding silly things. But that is rotten. However, 25 years ago, it was a lot harder to get a new remote.

You go straight on Amazon, you can get any kind of remote the next day. You dick. I'll tell you one thing about your double glazing salesman i'm gonna i'm gonna i've left a note here you're gonna bring up the thing that happened to us when you're the way they used to sell it oh so a double glazing salesman came to our house once unbelievable from a very reputable big double glazing company which we didn't go with in the end because it was madness um and it was like some sort of test i was like oh yeah their system i don't know if anyone's ever had this but their system is to um count how many windows you need and what size you need and then give you the price per window times however many it is and then add all the discount

on at the end and it was just i felt i was like how fucking stupid do you think i am he was like so this is the price here but that's if you're buying all the windows separately you're buying them all together so that you'll get this off then this off then this off then this off so it's actually just that much how do you feel and i was like well i feel like you're just fucking making this up as you go along sunshine no there's the door leave the remote fuck off well because what what he did was he came in with something crazy like he's like it should be 35 grand but i can do it i can do it for you for 15 and you go how how no no it was more than that it was more than that he came in at 50 grand it was he came in at 50 grand and it went down to 11 he came in at 50 grand and went

down 11 i went was that what it was i was like by the end of it i was like numbers don't make sense It came in at 50 grand. It was something ridiculous. It came in at 50 grand and went down to 11. Was that what it was? I was like, by the end of it, I was like, numbers don't make sense anymore. I don't understand what you're saying. It was insane. It was mad money. Mad money.

It was far too expensive. We got rid of them. But do people go, wow. Yeah. Look how much he's knocked off for us. How special are we? Sweetheart, get the red panties on tonight we've just saved 40 grand but that must be the tactic though

well anyone who falls for that is stupid and anyone who doesn't has to buy a new TV remote hi Chris and Rosie I've just been listening to episode 212 where Chris mentions lucid dreaming and I wanted to write in about my special skill right okay so I did mention this is this true oh wow I've always wanted to hear from lucid well I haven't but I will listen hey your dream's about

to come true if I'm having a sexy dream and it's getting onwards the morning or during a cheeky nap at the afternoon I can keep it going until i wake up with a full vag pulsing orgasm okay read on i am you know what you know what i'm interested oh funny then pick me interest okay you you slag now this is particularly strange i believe it was the fridge for his vag puls and orgasm that really pulled us in do you think yeah yeah yeah yeah now this is particularly strange for me because i don't reach orgasm easily wow it's only happened once for me during real life sex oh man so to answer rosie's question in the episode yes you can do things in your dreams that you can't do in real

life i don't remember asking that i'm also a massive squirter, but luckily... Honestly, I love how much... You know we always keep you anonymous. I love how much you all tell us. I love it. It's brilliant. Thank you.

I mean, what a strange thing to thank, but it's just... You know, I'm not... It's funny that you said that, but it's just really quite heartwarming that people are just like, I'm going to tell you this because it's just you know i'm not it's funny that you said that but it's just really quite heartwarming that people are just like i'm gonna tell you this because yeah right but luckily that hasn't happened while she's asleep i was gonna say yeah thankfully i'm very interested so in my in my life especially as a younger man as an adolescent i've had wet dreams in the past

and you wake up so you do it you wake up horrified so right okay maybe sam just maybe is it what maybe women can do I've never done it well you're literally like you're just like and then it's like

and you wake up and you're like oh no is it really shame the shame what would me mum think shame

have you done it shame have you done it in our house have I had a which house definitely in one of them have you

a million percent yeah yeah yeah shut up when I've been there one of them. Have you? A million percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. When I've been there. One of the houses we've lived in. You disgusting churchy.

I can't help it. It's my dreams. And I've been in the bed and you've been silent yourself. Silent. So you've done it when I've been in the bed?

I don't think so. Don't you fucking lie to me. Take it as a compliment. Listen, your arm might have brushed my arm. Whatever. And I might have just thought oh my gosh, you're so beautiful. Oh, I can't know. Don't you fucking lie to me. Take it as a compliment. Listen, your arm might have brushed my arm. Whatever. And I might have just thought,

oh my gosh, you're so beautiful. Oh, I can't believe you're jizzing all over our marital bed. New boxers, please. New boxers, please. It's horrifying when you wake up. I thought it was just a teenage thing. Don't you learn stuff on this podcast? Yeah.

Some stuff. Some stuff. I've just learned that grown men wear dreams yeah yeah it can happen come on then tell her about that's it

that's all it is she can come in her sleep that's all she said that was the end of it I was expecting a story no that's our story what do you want I to tell you

that's our story she's just saying that in lucid dreaming she can alright so she can she has a bit of a sex dream she knows she's having a sex dream

and then she comes let's go full house here. Brilliant. Hello, Rosie and Chris. Long time listener. First time emailer. Love yous. Well done.

Love yous. Please keep me anonymous. A few years ago now, my stepbrother met a girl online, fell in love and very quickly got engaged. He was living down south at the time and I was asked to be one of his fiance's bridesmaids despite the fact she has never actually met me that's nice it is nice it's a bonding sorry just for one second do you know i am i went out yesterday with robin and uh his cousin uh and

your brother yeah and i made the mistake of saying while in the car with Robin on the way to pick them up that Kevin was my brother-in-law. One of the worst conversations I've ever had in my life. Why? How do I explain? He's not your brother. It was my brother-in-law. And he went, what does that mean?

Oh, God. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. It was painful. It was painful. And at the end he went, so like stepbrother? And I went, yeah. Exactly like that.

Yeah. Sometimes it's just easier. They're too young. Why are you guys playing stuff? I was high, it was hot. As I was saying it, I was looking at myself in the mirror going,

why have you started this? Because it actually makes no sense. And I was going along, he's like, well, law. I was going, yeah, in law. And he was like,

like you go to prison. I was like, oh God. Oh God, I didn't think about that side of it. it was graft. Why have they come out with that? Oh, is that why? Because it's like a marital, like, oh God. Oh God, I didn't think about that side of it. Oh, it was hot. It was graft. Why have they come out with that? Oh, is that why?

Because it's like a marital, like a law thing. Sorry, you didn't know what brother-in-law meant. Is that what it means? Brother-in-law. Because you're married by law. Wow. Robin, is that you in your mom's skin?

No, I didn't realize that. I've never really thought about it. So marriage is a legal process. So we are legally married. So he is legally my brother in law. So in the law, he's my brother. Right, okay. Still think marriage is a crock of shit.

Yeah, yeah, no, thanks for dropping that in. Massive, massive crock of shit. If you're going to get married, you're only doing it for the day. Yeah. To load of bollocks. Yeah, for the party. It's just a party.

Yeah, it's actually, it's a fucking, it's a cunt load of mess to clean up actually if it goes wrong wow continue anyway they should never happen as a bonding exercise i was invited down for the weekend to go shopping for bridesmaid accessories oh jesus i drove the five hours down south from teeside their home just outside london and i was promptly given a tour around their house and it was announced that I would be sleeping in my stepbrother and his fiance's bed for the night and they would sleep downstairs as my stepbrother has work early in the morning and would be up and

out at 4am to start his commute. I thanked them, chucked my overnight bag into their room and we headed out for an afternoon of shopping. That evening I headed up to the bedroom to get some sleep. The plan being that myself and my stepsister-in-law, to be, would go out in the morning for breakfast before I headed home. I put my pjs on and went to climb into bed. This was when I noticed the bed sheets had not been washed for me to get into. In fact, I doubt they had been washed in well over a month. The smell was horrific. A mixture of sweat, greasy hair, saliva and sex. I didn't know what to do. How could I sleep in this bed? I decided that my best option would be to take the top I was due to wear the next day

and lay it over the pillow so that at least my face would be saved from directly touching the pillowcase and i would sleep on the top of the duvet as a man as a medium man who wears t-shirts sometimes a little bit too big for comfort especially pajama ones i've been known to put my t-shirt over a pillow back in the day in hotels or in if i was staying when i was back in me days when i would stay people's houses a lot of comedians would let you stay at their house if you were doing a gig and you know

most of them not all of them but a lot of the comedians on the circuit absolute fucking disgusting houses and scruffy messy houses oh don't say that

no I'm telling you some blokes some bloke comedians oh my god some blokes in general come and stay at mine some of them I know

I know a story oh gosh careful I know a story of a comedian I know a story of a comedian who was supposed this was legendary

on the circuit he was supposed to stay at someone's house and it was the promoter's house for a gig and he went yeah come sit at my house

he went yeah no bother so the gig finishes they have a couple of pints and then they go back to the promoter's house actually no the guy didn't drink

he had his car he drove them back so the act drives back to the promoter's house with the promoter and they go in they open the door I think the promoter had house actually no the guy didn't drink he had his car he drove them back right so the act drives back to the promoter's house with the promoter and they go in they open the door I think the promoter

had like loads of cats oh and one of the rooms we went oh this is a spare room here and he opened the door and it was a mattress just with loads

where the cats had all been sleeping oh no no so all the cats had been sleeping on the mattress no

no and the comic he pretended his phone was ringing he picked it up and he's like oh hello oh no never in the world oh brilliant oh and he put the phone was ringing he picked it up he's like oh hello oh you no never in the world

oh brilliant oh and he put the phone away oh that was my mate he lives around here I thought he wasn't gonna be in but he's back I'm gonna go and stay at his

went and slept in his car fuck shhh no there's a legend on the circuit that story oh see

I'm not that I'm not that quick I would have just you'd have slept there I'd have just had on the other end of the I wouldn't have slept I would have you just slept there i just had on the other end of this i wouldn't have slept i would have just lay there well yeah but i'm the other end of the spectrum i'd literally open the door oh what what am i shitting in the litter tray get are you joking me mate the fucking i would never work for that promoter that's that would

have been your answer i would have went so it's so kind of you to put us up. Thank you so much. Oh, I love cats. They're my favourite animal. I love sleeping on cat hair. It's so soft. Oh, God. I'll be pissing everything on it. Anyway, there's more to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was about to get back onto the bed and I noticed something else. There on the floor next to the bed was a huge pink dildo. Also looking very unwashed. There's a tide mark on this dildo. Dried screm. It was covered in fluff and haze. Not hidden under the bed, might I add. Full on, out on the floor for all to see.

Who in their right mind doesn't wash the bedding before a guest sleeps in your bed and doesn't think to clean and tidy their grimy sex toys? I laid awake all night, desperate to be anywhere but where I was. At four in the morning, I heard my stepbrother slip out of the house and go to work. I took the opportunity, grabbed my bags, put the clothes on from the day before snuck out the house texted his fiance my apologies made an excuse that I felt unwell got into my car and made it home in record time got into my house stripped naked still in the hallway threw the clothes I'd been wearing my pajamas and the clothes I'd used to protect my face from the pillow straight in the wash then showered for a good 20 minutes I've never visited them since oh i think they miss you oh i'd open that window when he was leaving at four o'clock

the morning i'd open that window and i launched that fucking dildo off his car don't forget this we got your dildo yes scruffy horrible ah oh i know wow yeah wow no there's no you know what it is there's nothing worse and you know obviously i'm going to sound like a bit of a sort of you know maybe a bit up your own arse or a bit snooty or a bit of a prude but there's nothing worse than saying oh yeah i'll stay at yours and then getting to the person's house and thinking i'm trapped here now in an unwashed bed with you know animal hair or dildos on the floor whatever i mean obviously that's an extreme extreme circumstance well funnily enough this is our state of mate's house years and years

ago uh lovely and clean nothing nothing like that but she had a cat speaking of cats she had a cat um the cat now i've never lived with a cat never had one never lived with one not nothing against cats they're lovely animals i know a lot of people have got them but i've just never never experienced it but like when you haven't had kids and you don't know you don't understand how horrendous it can be yeah yeah

right I was sleeping downstairs on the sofa right and the cat I don't know I didn't know what happened because I woke up

to a horrific smell in my nose right and I was just like what the fuck something's died yeah this must have been

about four o'clock in the morning and I was like I thought what the fuck is it and you know what my nostrils are like yeah yeah I was like what the fuck? Something's died. Yeah. This must have been about four o'clock in the morning. Yeah. And I was like, I thought, what the fuck is... And you know what my nostrils are like? Yeah, yeah. I was like, what the fuck is that smell? Someone opens a bin in another room and you're like, bin stinks. Yeah.

I had no... And weirdly, I didn't think the cat. Right. I was just like, something horrible's happened, right? Yeah. And it turns out that the cat had took a shit in the hallway on the cat litter tray. And I could... It's all I could smell.

had took a shit in the hallway on the cat litter tray and it's all I could smell. And honestly, I've never had a worse sleep in my entire life. So you were breathing in the cat shit, eh? It was so strong, Chris. It was so potent. I've never smelled... I can still remember now. I've never known anything like it in my entire life how is it that fucking strong because it's shit it's shit i know but like it was tiny yeah it was tiny it was the size of my

little finger it was such a small shit you inspected it then did you yeah because when my friend woke up i went what the fuck is that smell and she was like oh god she was like oh probably the cat's had a shit. And I looked. It was tiny. And I was like, that's what, that's kept me awake. That fucking thing there has kept me awake for hours. Fuck me.

Horrible. Oh God. And she was like, I'm just used to it. Yeah. Well, see, that's why you want one of them cats off the internet. That shit's in the toilet and flushed with the toilet. I would have to. You know, they're very rare. Very, very rare.

In a way, I suppose it's a bit like baby shit. And I always think it's a bit mangy, but we all do it right. And all of me, all of our kids, anyone I know who's got kids, right? If they have a shit in a social setting, you might take them a little bit out the way, but you never take them in a different room. So everyone just sniffs your kid's shit or you are sniffing another kid's shit at some point should we leave the room well we should probably it's always when you when you're changing a baby's nappy in a

social setting the people who get really upset are people who don't have kids yeah and kids who are over like six or that kids want to take like oh god but like younger kids don't give a no well parents don't give a shit yeah but it is funny like I have smelt all of my friends kids shit

yeah strange thing to brag about seen it and all seen it with my two eyes strange thing to brag about but I feel like actually from now on I might

we should leave the room really you absolutely should leave the room yeah but we never do no fuck that go down the map it's just what you're used the room. But we never do. No. Fuck that. Go down the map. It's just what you're used to, isn't it?

We've got a map under the city. We do, yeah. It's horrible looking like that, actually. There all the time. There's a map under the city. It's just a shit map. This is where we change shitty arses of our kids. Come in, come in.

Cup of tea? Shitty nappy? Welcome. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Thank you again for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed. Thank you so, so much.

As always, if you'd like to get in touch, shagmarinoid at gmail.com, shagmarinoid.com for the tour dates in the autumn, the arena show. The second arena tour that we're doing is selling fast. Extra tickets in certain sections of arenas that are very, very full have been released and the whole date has been moved. Again, my fault because I'm an idiot. selling fast extra tickets in certain sections of arenas that are very, very full of being released. And the whole date has been moved again. My fault. Cause I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry, but I love you. Please don't hate us. Bye. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.