Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 217. kiss my flower

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie talk about some of the train drama they've been seeing while out on the road. They discuss the headache of children wanting songs on repeat and there's the latest beef! QFTP's covers voice notes from dates, a beery night for fun and being hypnotised. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mardenoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and me husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, hello, hello.

How are you? Hi. How is everyone? How are you? How are you? I'm feeling good. Feeling good? Yes.

Yeah? Although in the sound check, you just said I haven't changed my tampon for a while, so... What? Really? Seriously? How's that affecting life? Well, now you've said it, probably got choc-sick shock. Choc-sick shock?

Choc-sick shock. Choc-sick shock? Choc-sick shock. Choc-sick shock. Is that off too many Easter eggs? I wish, mate. You had one in the bin last week, but we'll not talk about that. I did ask him to. No, it's a long story.

No, you specifically were eating an Easter egg before bed and there was a little bit of it left and you went, Chris, throw that in the bin. I didn't think you actually would. And I threw it in the bin. Have you not? You haven't though, have you? No, it's gone. It's gone. It's gone. And the bins. I didn't think you actually would. And I threw it in the bin. Have you not? You haven't though, have you? No, it's gone.

It's gone. It's gone. And the bins have been collected since then. But yeah. Lucky bins. It was literally, it was like the day after. Did you throw that in the bin?

Yes. Why? Never, never do what I say. You're a, no. Never do it, man. God, we've been up to this a million times, but this is even more ridiculous. It's boring me.

More ridiculous. But yeah, other than that, you're all good. Yeah, I'm good, actually. Well, I'm also good as well. So do you know what? We've been doing some long intros recently, so let's bloody crack straight bloody fucking well on, shall we? Yeah, I agree.

Fuck you. Guys, it is episode 217. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being here. We love you. Thank you for coming back. If it's your first time, welcome, welcome. Hello, if it is your first time.

We'll pop your cherry. Yeah, we will. Time to pay those bills, though. This week's sponsor, this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is... If it's your first time, this makes no money. So this isn't a real advert. Bollocks.

Buying clothes online. Hey, hey, what you, hey, look, everyone. Hey, it's 2023 what you do with buying clothes in the shop like a saddle like a square hey come on come with us buy it online it's quick and easy it's quick and easy can you try them on of course you fucking can't but it doesn't matter because if they're oh they will fit because you've put your size in. Oh, they don't fit. Of course they don't fucking fit. Hey, but don't worry. It's quick and easy to send them back, everyone says, doesn't it?

It's quick and easy to send them back. Yeah, just go online. Just fill in all these forms. Just repackage them. Then box them all back up. Yeah, even though you opened them like a fucking bear at a picnic. Rosie, yeah. And then load them all in your them all in your car on the back

of your car like postman fucking back and get yourself to your nearest drop off or your nearest pickup in your little shop don't you and you stand in the queue in the shop and you get at the front of the queue and you hold the full fucking queue up while you're toting your ways giving them boxes and bags of shit to send back little old women behind you just trying to buy some milk eh she's been there for hours. Hours! While you send all your shit back to fucking ASOS. Oh, there's an even easier one than that.

There's an even easier one. You don't have to go to the shop. You don't have to go to the shop. They'll pick it up from your house, won't they? And what are we currently doing? Fucking shitting my pants in case we miss this prick who comes to pick them up. He said he'd be here 15 minutes ago and he's not. So we've got the cameras on.

We've got the... Oh, Christ. Right, okay. Christopher should not buy online. I personally don't mind it. Horrible. I find it quite easy. Horrible.

You know. Everything about it's awful. Sizes are never right. No idea. But I'd rather, I would rather try the clothes on in my room than in the shops.

Nah. I went, like I bought, got to buy posh, posh stuff and you know, evening dinner, tuxedo kind of shit

for something that I've got coming up, right? And I, it rhymes with Schmafters. Yeah, we're attending the, television Schmafters.

Rhymes with crafters, rhymes with, smell-o-vision crafters. Yeah, that might be, yeah, that works just as well. Yeah.

So, we're going there and I, I bought tuxedos, trousers, I bought loads of stuff online. In the little note, this product's a bit smaller, so maybe order a size bigger than you normally order. Why are you welcoming my world? What chest size are you? How do I know what chest size I am? What am I, a fucking page three model?

This is some sort of joke. Like, women have been struggling with this for years sick of it you want you want size and watch i've bought three pairs of trousers from the same shop and i've won them it's been too big send two of them back thrown people made of money thrown money away three pairs of trousers what are you an octopus huh why are you joining why does he try and joke they're not a funny point everything is a funny point if you put the effort in just everything's a funny point if you put the effort in. Everything's a funny point

if you put the effort in. Right, go on, talk. Right, I bought three pairs of trousers. One of them's too big, one of them fits fine and one of them's too small. All the same size. Brilliant.

Well, listen, big shout out to Jules B. Big shout out to Jules B and Jesmyn Clothing Shop. I went there. I was there less than an hour and I got full altered suits, everything sorted.

Bang, bish, bash, bosh. You even took Rafe. I even took Rafe and Rafe stayed asleep the whole time less than an hour and I got full altered suits everything sorted bang bish bash bosh you even took Rafe I even took Rafe and Rafe stayed asleep the whole time until as I was paying he woke up

like he'd been kidnapped screaming for his mum even though I had him in my arms screaming mum mum people looking thinking he's just that's not his kid

he's kidnapped that kid just loves his mum that was good loves his mum to a point of patheticness yeah he's pathetic he's actually pathetic.

It's embarrassing. So I'm currently, I've got Chris's phone with the camera of the gates, the front gates that we've got. Yeah. Oh, someone's going past on a pram.

Eh, they're running. Eh? Running with a pram. Running with a pram. Oh, I used to do that. Modern day living, innit? I did that with Robin. I did do that with Robin.

You did that once with Robin. I did it more than once. Tell the truth. You did that once with Robin. I did it about three times. Is it? No, honestly, I did. I did it more than once. Tell the truth. You did that once with Robin. I did it about three times. No, honestly, I did. I did. I did. Chris, I did. I swear. We've got a deal

that you have to believe us. I did it at least three times. Okay. Three times. Definitely worth that 300 quid of running buggy that I got. 100 quid of run that. Bargain. What a run. Bargain. Oh, God. What a waste of money. 100 quid of run. bargain what a run bargain oh god what a waste of money

yeah 100 could have run it's okay I gave it to charity someone someone who that's probably them running past there now

getting their bloody money's worth of it I just got at the point where I was like do you know if they're having a nap yeah what do you want to be running

no you want to be sitting on your arse don't you that's what nap times are for and herein lies the problem that's why I threw easter eggs away

it is true oh god I'm um no I'm alright with myself at the minute actually you look beautiful you look fantastic you know

I always if you've been listening to the podcast for a while welcome to my sob story of my life where I just constantly battle with the way that I look

and I'm currently I've had to have a little word with myself because um I haven't lost enough weight not that I no

I didn't have to lose weight you didn't have to I wanted to lose weight for the TV show but you didn't have to no but you look fantastic you look great and all the clothes

were tried on you're going to look great on the show and stop it stop it I know but I did I was like no because it was last year

and I was like I'm going to do it for next year I haven't done it and now I feel so pressured that I'm like eating more because going to do it for next year. I haven't done it. And now I feel so pressured that I'm like eating more because that's what happens to me when I get pressured. I reckon you can fully blame this on me. Is it because I gave the running buggy to charity?

It might be that. There we go. Yeah, because then I could have done it. I probably would have done it if I had that. My fault. Oh, well, okay, that's fine. Stop beating yourself up. Not being sexist here,

but there's many ladies who beat themselves up unnecessarily for weight and stuff. Stop it. Stop doing it. If you're happy in yourself, just be happy in yourself and you look fucking beautiful, love, and you look fantastic in the clothes you've tried on and, you know, you're going to look great on the show. Thank you.

It's more about being funny on the show. Well, we're doing it on Wednesday, so now, even if I don't, it's tough shit. Yeah, absolutely. Nothing I can do. Could I interest you in the old lick and the raw chicken that we talked about years ago? Ooh, well, how many days have I got?

It's Friday the day. We're recording this on a Friday. So I'd be shitting out the eye of a needle on the coronation. I don't want to miss the coronation. Can I interest you in an iPad on the toilet for the coronation? Hey, hey, hey, coronation chicken. Would I be okay by Tuesdayuesday probably not no i am not advocating licking raw chicken we talked about on the podcast years ago it's absolutely horrendous don't ever do it to lose weight it is madness you will end up murdering yourself so there we go yeah don't do it i'm not gonna do public service

announcement there okay don't murder yourself and let's have a bloody good jingle. Yes. Oh, we're recording this before the coronation, by the way. This has come out, yeah, if that doesn't make sense. We're recording this the week before the coronation

because we're really busy with the first episode of the TV show. The day before the coronation. Yeah, this is the day before the coronation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yay, yay, yay, yay.

Yay, when we- New king tomorrow. When we recorded this, he was still but a prince. He was still- Just a young prince. Still but a young webber snubber of a prince

and when this goes out to the airwaves he'll be a king wonder how many people he's executed by next week, looking forward to finding out wait here's a jingle yeah we had a fight about the jingle jingle

we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Jingle! Dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup-a-dup, dup- be in a bad, bad, bad dream. Rafe is... Welcome back to the show, by the way. Hello, hello. Rafe is currently loving Booba on Netflix, which is that hobgoblin thing.

What is Booba? What is he? He's a hobgoblin. What's a hobgoblin? He's just a made-up animal. He's awful. Yeah, he's horrible, yeah. It's on Netflix, guys.

Have a look if you can. Or don't, because it's horrible. So Rafe gets in the car and he points and he says Booba. And Booba has got one song on Spotify that I'm accessing my car. One song. And it's a remix of... Whoa, sometimes I've got a good feeling.

And it's on for about three minutes. I drove up to Newcastle yesterday to get me suits. And in the car, he wanted it on repeat, nonstop. And the bloke... So Booba doesn't normally have a voice on Netflix. Apologies if you haven't got children. You probably don't have any idea who he is. It's this hobgoblin thing,

but he doesn't speak. But then in the song he sings, but his voice is like, Oh, oh, oh, good times. It's fucking horrible. I've got a good feeling. So I've been listening to that on repeat for a few days now.

So that's upsetting us. Yeah. Something very exciting for you? Okay, okay. Do you want to hear something good? Obviously. Just paid off the holiday. Get in. Yes. So it was for you. Okay. Do you want to hear something good? Obviously. Just paid off the holiday. Get in. Yes.

That was a nice little feeling. Oh yeah. Wooshika. It's the holiday that we're going on with all of our friends and all of the children. Which sounds really exciting but it will probably be awful. Yes. Already planning that divorce straight after that holiday. No we're going to be okay. We're not going to fight.

Right, okay. Okay. Well, you're not allowed to fight back with me. Yeah, so that's our rule. I don't know if anyone else has got that out there. Basically, what Rosie

likes to do is Rosie likes to have a little snipe at us in front of friends and family and then when I dare to defend myself No, because you're

horrible back to me. You're horrible. When I dare to defend myself or deny the blatant fucking false accusations just thrown at us, I'm causing a scene. Yeah.

It's basically what it is. Don't cause a scene. It's basically, it could be something like, Chris, where have you put that? Why have you always moved that? Where's that?

Rosie, I haven't moved it. It's there. Right. Well, apologize. No. And then that's it. Oh, you said you hadn't moved that thing in front of me, ma'am.

You made a right scene. Fuck's sake. Fuck's sake. Fuck's sake. And scene. What was I saying before the booba thing? I was saying something. Oh, something shit. Something shit, mindless crap.

Don't know how this podcast does so well. Wow. No, I don't know what you were saying. With that attitude, I'm not surprised. I'm keeping an eye out for the man, man. I know, I told you I couldn't look at the screen. That's why I've had to give you the phone with the cameras on it. No, you're not, because you're not even following a train of thought, for God's sake. I am you I couldn't look at the screen that's why I've had to give you the phone with the cameras on it

no you're not because you're not even following a train of thought for God's sake I am I am oh God but yeah Robin likes Scatman

John that's all it was she likes Scatman but it's good it's good when they like songs that we like isn't it do I like Scatman do I want to listen

are you excuse me no I get it but do I want to listen to Scatman's World on repeat in me car? Does something to me. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does all the fast talking give you vibrations? No, it just reminds us of being a kid. Don't try it. Don't try it. Oh, Scatman. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Good. Yeah, good. Stop. Ready? If you want some ASMR. What's that? You wish it was lager, it's not It's actually just water

Because where we live the water is shit Tap water tastes like piss Don't do that Stop it Stop it, it's disgusting Take your mates So we can finally announce Excitingly that I did Stop it. Stop it, it's disgusting. Take your mates. Stop it. So we can finally announce,

excitingly, that I did an episode of Who Do You Think You Are? Oh my word. Finally. Yes. Finally, finally announce it. This is one of the things, ages ago,

when we were like, we're doing all the stuff that we can't tell you, so we're them dickheads who are telling you. Probably shouldn't have said it. It was The Wheel, it was the McIntyre's Midnight Game Show

and their final one was, yeah, Who Do You Think You Are? Who do you think you are? We actually said it on the wheel it was the McIntyre's Midnight Game show and their final one was yeah Who Do You Think You Are Who Do You Think You Are we actually said it on the podcast quite cleverly we did

cheekily when people they were filming when we were like just filming something I'm filming something else and Rosie was like who do you think you are

and we left it in and it was them and that was my idea so don't even try alright that was me off the top of my head did it out of nowhere

yes and do you not remember that they actually got in touch with them and they were like people might guess yeah it was it was too good and i was like listen listen listen well i'm gonna break the uh gonna break a few rules here because obviously i'm not supposed to tell anything about what happens in the show no spoilers but i just can't hold it back anymore and it comes out in june and you'll watch it if you do until june it comes out actually that's next month why does if you do watch it it's not out until June oh actually that's next month

why does it feel like that is next month fucking January yeah oh my god it's next month it's halfway through the year

it's halfway through the year ah well always good to get rid of another one brilliant I can officially reveal that annoyingly

it will come out me mum and dad are actually brother and sister and me great great great great grandfather on my mom's side yeah was uh jack russell a jack russell is that what they came to in the end

yeah well i always said only one in the whole history of the show i always said you had a look of a jack russell yeah but now it makes sense is it me um bright red dick that goes back inside my body is it that i think it is I think it's the wind is it how I lift one leg to piss on the walls it's when you piss against the walls

yeah around the house all the time and I'm just thinking listen the signs were there the signs were there yeah yeah yeah

when you were sniffing rather rats in the garden yeah yeah I'll sniff everyone's ass when they come in there's loads of signs why have we never

known what a couple of fucking pricks and just as a heads up the day that we were filming rafe was an absolute dickhead they've edited around him really nicely he looks lovely in the video he was horrendous awful awful they came to film you'd think they were taking him away yeah it was pure it was bad crack he was really bad he really didn't like it at all I think Robin would have

demanded a stage absolutely jazz hands Robin would have done it all so different yeah yeah so so different trying to explain to Robin the stuff that they found

is painful as well I need to stop trying sometimes I forget that he's still seven because he is quite grown up and I start trying to explain something to him like last week

when I tried to explain stepbrothers our brother-in-law to him oh Jesus Christ I was trying to he doesn't I went Like last week when I tried to explain stepbrothers, our brother-in-law to him. Oh, Jesus Christ. I was trying to, he doesn't, I went, I said, great-grandparents. And he just made it his thing to say,

Dad, does anyone have a great, great, great? And then he just kept saying great for five, ten days. Sometimes it's just easier to go along with him. So, you know, Jordan Henderson plays for England, well, he plays for Liverpool in England. Robin, because he's from Sunderland. And Robin is absolutely adamant that he plays for Liverpool in England. Robin, because he's from Sunderland, and Robin is absolutely adamant that he plays for Sunderland. And I'm like, well, no, he's from Sunderland.

He doesn't play, and he's like, no, ma'am, he does. And I'm like, yeah, he does, yeah. So now he's going to go to school and tell everyone that Jordan Henson plays for Sunderland. I'm like, I just can't be bothered. He wasn't getting it. He wasn't understanding that you don't play for a team of where you're from. So he doesn't understand that England can't play for a team of where you're from. So he doesn't understand

that England can't play Sunderland. Yeah. That's starting to do my head in. He doesn't understand that England can't play Newcastle. So he's like, who's the best, Newcastle, England or Sunderland?

I'm like, well, England, it's impossible. Yeah. You can't do that. Or you could, but... That's all happening now because obviously there's rival teams. So some of his mates support Newcastle,

some of them support Sunderland and he's not really that arsed is he so I'm like support whoever you want I think he says he supports South Shields but he's a bit of

a glory supporter and clearly because he's like well where are they in the league and I'm like well they're not but they're doing really well

South Shields are killing it at the minute and he's just yeah he doesn't understand the football but we're going to have to teach him because it's all

the kids talk about he's going to end up like me the kid who just didn't know anything going to have to teach him because it's all the kids talk about. He's going to end up like me, the kid who just didn't know anything and just tried to go along with it and got the piss absolutely ripped out of us. Listen, I'm going to do some swatting up. Have I never told you about the time I was in a chip shop having my dinner at school?

Pig. Standing in the queue of the chip shop and I tried to join in with the football pattern that all the other lads were doing. Yeah. And I think Newcastle had played someone or someone had played someone. A derby?

That's what they're called. Wish I'd had your knowledge when I said it. And I accidentally said, yeah, we had most of the possessions. Oh. What are you meant to say?

Possession. Possession. Yeah. I put the S on the end. Oh, God. It was a long old lunch break, that one. Oh, God.

There he is. Ick. My lad. Do you remember just nonchalantly having fucking chips in that for your dinner it's crazy i look back and never have a chippy dinner now come on come on when you if you asked for a drink during a lesson you were basically the worst kick remember you've ever did i was thinking about this idea you know everyone's just constantly got water with them now yeah the time and like kids take bottles to school

can you remember daring to tell the teacher you were thirsty at school and could I kind of go to the toilet and use the water phone it was like it's like you were going

to shoot a fucking heroin you have a water phone at your toilet so yeah we had running water at my school oh my god no I remember having to get if you wanted a drink

it was usually an art or something like that and you'd go to the back of the class drink the pain water no no it was their it was their massive I mean people would have them in the houses now the massive galley belfast sinks yeah with all the manky wood and just paint everywhere and you drink out of like an old glue pot right no no i don't think that was standard i was joking i was like

would you drink the paint water you just like oh no i'm not even taking the piss i have drank out of the pot where they've got the dry glue on and that and you just fill it with water and have a sneaky drink. Because actually, you're right. I remember being parched at school. Oh, parched. Starving. Pure parched.

Oh, starving all the time. Starving. Lunch. What are you getting for lunch? Oh, garlic bread and chips. Every day for four years. I should be dead. Oh, no.

I should be dead. But yeah, there was a water fountain at our school and it was like, use the water fountain. That's good. If you didn't use it on your break it was like halfway through the lesson it's boiling the summer you're like this can i go for a drink it's like oh god you were like the worst kid on it yeah so weird i did used to love i used to love going to the toilet though and just well i just used to like wander around the corridors and that just like probably checking in on all the classes like where's my mate i did a lot of that so i can

i can kind of understand fucking busy yeah and then they come back and she's like did you lose where you were and which time it's did you go to well yeah you fuck off i've been looking for miss sir i would never do that i was really good at school just behind behind the back, I'd be like... Fingers up. Fuck you. What a rebel. Yes, miss. Yes, sir. Hello, sir. Now, as you all know, because he makes bloody eggs the pudding

a lot about how much he's away and how much he has been away over the years. Over eggs the pudding. What did I say? Eggs the pudding. Makes bloody eggs and pudding, you said. No, I didn't. I said eggs the pudding. Over eggs the pudding. Right, I missed over eggs the pudding what did i say makes bloody eggs and pudding you said no i didn't i said eggs the pudding over eggs all right i missed over eggs jesus let me let me live my life i can't allow you you knew what i meant so wrong i didn't know what you meant but it has to it has to be corrected it doesn't it has to be corrected i'm so sorry anyway in fact no i'm not sorry i'll take that back oh good right oh glad Is that what we're doing now?

Redacting apologies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Retracting. Yeah, we'll go. I didn't see. I bit my tongue there. I bit my tongue. Redacting is when it's still on a document.

It is, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, so Chris has got the train a lot over his life. He has. He's worked away loads. He's always been on the train. And now that we are doing it together and I'm a little busy, busy bee, I'm on the train a lot as well. First time this has ever happened. We were on the train the now that we are doing it together and i'm a little busy busy bee i'm on the train a lot as well first time this has ever happened we were on the train the other day right and i went

to go use the loo standing outside it must have been about 10 or 15 minutes right and i thought do you know another bloke came and stood beside us we'll look at each other and i was like i don't really want to go in and he was like i don't really want to go in thinking it's going to stink a shit right because i was thinking somebody in here is having a dump or changing a baby's nappy but i couldn't hear anyone talking to a baby so anyway but i was like right i'll just whatever i'll just leave it i love that you think you couldn't it's not i couldn't hear a baby i couldn't hear anyone talking to a baby well you always talk to baby when they're changing the nappy don't you i don't know why it's like weird yeah you can't do people not speak to their kids when they're changing

the nappy that's weird i haven't spoken to our kids ever i haven't spoken to our kids for years weird that would be very strange if you just didn't talk to a child in silence some people are very quiet though yeah our kids are mad because we're so loud yeah but there is a lot of quiet war and peace while you're changing their ar ass well i just i'm just like oh you're a god wipe this bum bum oh you're just narrating narrating so i was thinking right they're having a dump awful it got longer and longer kept nobody came out and i was like i'm i'm desperate here so the bloke went to the other toilet and then i went after him not too early because i thought i don't want to you know it's just weird isn't it horrible the other one was out of order yeah so i had to come back past the bloke again and his lass And then I went after him, not too early, because I thought, I don't want to, you know, it's just weird, isn't it? Horrible.

The other one was out of order. Yeah. So I had to come back, pass the bloke again, and his lass on the train. And she was like, I'm desperate. Is there someone still in there? It was all becoming a bit too much, right? Yeah.

You didn't give a shit. I went and told you. You were like, I don't give a shit. I don't know why I was dragged into it. I've got no idea why I was dragged into this. It was crazy. You made me, you went to go and use another toilet, and you made me change and sit in your seat so I could see the toilet. Because I just wanted to know who was in there. You were like change and sit in your seat so I could see the toilet because I just wanted to know

who was in there you sit in my seat now and keep staring at that door and see if it opens and I was like well there's so many elements this is just I wish I was by myself

this is horrible there was a lot of elements to it as well because the man who was doing the drinks Trolley he left that outside of the door so I was like is it him? is he alright?

or is he having his break I mean in the loo why would you have your break in the loo anyway bit irresponsible there's a lot of people on this train. So I stood and chatted to this man and woman for a little bit

and she was like, I'm going to go to the other one right at the other end of the carriage. I was like, okay, I'll have to come after you. And we walked past and there was still nobody came out. So I knocked on the door and I was like, are you okay?

Are you all right in there? Blah, blah, blah. Thinking, have they collapsed? I kind of like an emergency, you know. You are fizzing. I'll be honest with you. You are absolutely fizzing. I kind of like a bit of drama.

It was so fucking annoying. As a man who didn't need a piss or a shit, being dragged into this was one of the worst things. I was just trying to sit in my own business, watching my new iPad. There's no one there. And the seven come in. And the other one's out of order. And Chris.

And there's a drinks trolley outside. Honestly, I thought... Forgive me. I nearly went, look, save it all, stick it in the email, we'll send it to Richard Osman, he'll put it all in one of his new murder mystery books because this is fucking gold.

Yeah. Forgive me if I wanted for them to have to crane that door open for someone to be passed out on the floor and me have to help them. Yeah, you listen to too much murder mystery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not dead.

I wouldn't want them dead. I wouldn't want that on me life. You wanted a corpse. No, I didn't want... You wanted a corpse in that toilet. Tell the truth now. Tell the truth. You wanted a corpse.

And you wanted them to have been killed by an unknown... No, I didn't want murder. I didn't want to be involved with murder. You wanted murder and you wanted it to be an unknown weapon. No, I wanted... They were shot by an ice bullet and the bullet melted. No, I didn't want murder. I didn't want to be involved with murder. You wanted murder and you wanted to be an unknown weapon. No. I wanted... They were shot by an ice bullet

and the bullet melted. No, I didn't want murder. Guys, no, no, no. I didn't want that. I just wanted a little feint, a little pass out, recovery position. Oh, they're all fine now.

Well, you know, there you go. You need more stuff to watch. You need more stuff to watch on train journeys. So anyway, right? Knocked on the door and a bloke answered. Yeah. And I was like, are you okay? He was like, yeah, I'm fine. the door and a bloke answered and I was like

are you okay he was like yeah I'm fine I was like oh my gosh I was like well right do you need a hand he was like no

and he was coughing and I was thinking is he crying he was sniffing and I was thinking he's crying or something anyway so I went to the other toilet

and I opened the door on a woman as well which was annoying people who don't lock the train toilets can fuck right off yeah it was weird she didn't say anything

she just slammed the door shut I was like well yeah they always like they're like oh my god you know I'm sure I've talked about it on here I might have been a sponsor once

it's like lock the door yeah lock the door if I open a door that's got a green thing on the front and you're inside

horrified that's your that's on you that's not on me I'm the victim of this we are getting the end of the story so nobody was dead

went and sat back in my seat and I kept an eye on it kept an eye on it about another 20 minutes very annoying

about another 20 minutes went by right bearing in mind one of the toilets is out of order so everyone's having to go to the two tiny little toilets there was no toilet roll of course it wasn't because every fuck I was using it so I sat there and then the door opened and this bloke he must have been about six foot six right massive This bloke came walking out and just walked past her, dead nonchalantly, and went to the other carriage. And he was dodging his ticket. Dodging his ticket, wasn't he?

And I'd never seen that before. Seen it so many times. Oh, I'd never seen that before. When there's a toilet door locked, normally, to be fair, the train guards are normally on it. The train guard who was on that day, he didn't even check our ticket.

He didn't check our ticket. The bloke should have just fucking sat next to us because he completely didn't. But I've been outside the toilet waiting before for ages and the train guards came past

and knocked on the door and being like can you open the door please and I'm like fucking hell I panicked and a lad got out he was like holding his stomach

he was like oh I don't feel very well and the train guard was like do you not where did you get on and he charged him for a ticket and he looked at me

and he was like they're just hiding the toilets I'd rather pee I swear to god I hold my breath in them toilets on the train absolutely awful and he looked at me and he was like they're just hiding in the toilet I'd rather pee oh I swear to god I'll hold my breath in them toilets

on the train absolutely awful I'd rather pee double than sit in the toilet he must have been in there for about 50 minutes yeah

brazen brazen is there no tea no no there's no tea and we've got another one da da da da da how long have I been saying brazen?

Fuck me, this is just, honestly. Honestly. Oh, Jesus. Brazen. You have a go at people for pronouncing things wrong. When do I have a go at anyone for pronouncing things wrong? Me mam, when she says greasy. Right, right, okay.

I hate greasy. My mam also says sandwich, which is very annoying. Right, that's fair enough. When people say brufen, for ibuprofen. But there's you. Exceema. Ticking T's on the end of brazen. The burns got exceema. Got eczema.

Got eczema, love. Alright, fair enough. Maybe I'm just as stupid. People in glass houses. Brazen. Brazen is brass. Bold as brass. Oh my god oh god fuck

get me in that toilet with that bloke away from you I think I'm broke I think I'm broke knock knock is there any room in there mate she's doing me a diss

am I alright am I alright I know it's bald as oh god let's crack on yeah holy shit babadoo babadoo babadoo

bah just a little quick shout out to remind you that if you are listening to this on Friday the day it comes out our new series of the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show

starts tonight on BBC 1 oh my god alright on BBC just remember we haven't see we haven't recorded

the first episode yet because we were recording this the week before so hopefully the guests that we have booked, that I'm not going to tell you, just in case the pullout will have done it, great guests, got a very exciting show lined up for you.

And yeah, that is on BBC One, 10.40 tonight. That's Friday. And if it's after Friday, it's available on iPlayer, as is all of the previous first series. Friday night, Friday night. Does feel like a Friday night show. Does feel like a Friday night show. Does feel like a Friday night show.

Very excited. A bit drunk. It is on a little bit late. A lot of people have been like, it's a bit late and I get it.

I do get it. Watch on catch up on Saturday night. You've got your iPlayer, it's all good. Don't worry about a thing.

So there you go. It's time for What's Your Beanie? Hello Chris. Hello sunshine. Sunshine on a rainy day. Mix. Oh, someone's ringing you.

It's Joe from Avalon Marketing. Right. Should I deny the call? Yes. Belinda, why do you have my phone? It's me. It's Barry. It's Barry.

Oh, shit. You've done the wrong voice. No, no, no. I've just... It's got a frog in me throat mate how are you i'm all right yes tv show next week hey very excited very excited mate got me selling you hat got myself a new hat right really looking forward to it mate i've tell everyone and I, they loved the first series. Couldn't believe I was on it. Couldn't believe I was on it.

Right. So, I honestly, mate, mate, down the club, we're going to watch it. We're going to watch it on the night. Right, okay.

We can only watch 20 minutes though because it's last orders at 11 o'clock and everyone will just fuck off. But that's fine. Right. That's fine. And they didn't have ketchup when we got the internet.

How much was this hat? Oh, the hat, I got it from workmans.com it was about 16 quid it was bargain okay uh do you still have the receipt uh oh yeah oh you no i don't think i do oh it might be in the front. Oh, it might be in the front of the van. Right, okay. Might be in the front of the van. I keep all my receipts. Keep them in a little big Mac box. Because that's where I make the big books.

A little big Mac box. Put them in my big Mac box. A little big Mac box. Mate, have you ever used the McDonald's stuff as actual containers in real life? Right. I've got the fries one. That's my pencil case. containers in real life. Right.

I've got the fries one, that's my pencil case. I keep all my pens and my pencils in the fries box, right. Wonderful, yeah. Good stuff mate, good stuff. People chucking, I see people chucking them away and I'm thinking, what are you doing? Probably because it's covered in grease from all the chips. Oh, it wears off man, it wears off. It does, it does.

And so I use all my little containers, the little boxes. One of them's got me hamster in. Lived in there for years. Doesn't move. It's probably just... He's in there. Doesn't run anymore. I think he's learned that that's where he lives.

It's great, man. Okay, well, we'll get to that later. 12-year I've had him in there. Put a pin in that. Why not put a pin in it? Because that'll just kill him, surely. It's a phrase. Poor Ben.

You might have to return the hat because you... Just dead excited, mate. Don't know how to say this, mate. Going to get the train booked. Don't know how to say this, mate. Booked out the full train for all me family. Right. Sitting row, row two. Refund for all my family. Right. Sitting row, row, two.

Refundable tickets? No, no. Don't buy everything on the day in cash. Don't get refunds. My life doesn't change very much, mate. I've not got any other plans. I've literally sold my business. Right.

And I'm doing this for... Barry, you're not on the second series. Barry. I'm just doing everything for this show. Barry, you're not on the second series. What, mate? You're not on the second series. Barry. I'm just doing everything for this show. Barry, you're not on the second series. What, mate? You're not on the second series of the Christmas Ramsey show. We'll move from BBC Two on a Monday night,

which is very, very much your fault here. You're Sean, mate. You're Sean. But BBC One Friday nights, you know, it's a primetime big sort of chat show slot. They're not feeling it mate you alright I can't believe

you told him on here that was awkward well no choice no choice starting to sound a bit like his mum sometimes might have to go

back to the drawing board slightly just had to tell him had to break it home didn't I honestly enjoyed it a bit got a semi on

during that I did enjoyed that a little bit enjoyed that so um all right well I was I was gonna tell everyone

just I didn't think you would rank the day of all the days yeah no one cares um so no one gives a shit um so what's your beef

um okay my I'm just I'm still coming down from that if I'm still in character aren't you no no I'm fine I'm fine okay my beef with me okay my I'm just I'm still coming down from that still in character aren't you no no I'm fine I'm fine okay my beef with you

is you always make a really soggy annoying comment when I want to put gel on the kids right

I like putting gel in the lads hair because I think it makes them look really nice let's drag ourselves out of the 90s and into 2023 it's hair

you're invited to an immersive listening party him look really nice. Let's drag ourselves out of the 90s and into 2023. It's here. You're invited to an immersive listening party, led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. You're invited to an immersive listening party

led by Rishikesh Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. This is a famously unnerving piece. Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. The First Omen I believe the girl is to be the mother Mother of what? Is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil Movie of the year It's not real, it's not real, it's not real

Who said that? The First Omen In theaters Friday Get tickets now Product What? It's hair product, not gel You're still working on like

You know, a see-through tub Of luminous green jelly That you put on a It's hair product, not gel. You're still working on like, you know, a see-through tub of luminous green jelly that you put on a child's hair. This isn't... This is like... It's just hair product. It's not gel. Well, can it... I'm sorry, but the collective name for it is gel, isn't it?

I don't know. I don't think so, the way the world's gone. I imagine there's young people listening to this now who, when you said gel, had no idea what the fuck you meant. Seriously? Yeah. Wow. I reckon.

Do you know they're like luminous in a tub? You know, you get it by the fucking gallon. Yeah, I know, but I just always thought everything was called gel. Well, matte paste then. Hair paste. You won't let us put it on the kids. Hair product.

And I don't know why, because they look mint. Okay. Well. Explain yourself. Sometimes they don't want it in. Sometimes, I mean, Ralph obviously has got no opinion either way.in just the thing with robin is he thinks his hair completely flat looks

amazing and it doesn't and i'll do his hair and i'll like i'll roughly i'll texture it i'll flip his fringe up to one side and he looks and he goes it looks amazing and he flattens it down like he's been wearing a fucking bicycle helmet all day and goes all there much better and i'm like it looks ridiculous so you're about to be fired out of a cannon why have you done this and i've said to him and i'm all right maybe shame on me but i've been going robin i've been doing me hair for years and i've hair shaming them i like i've photos i'm on the telly i go on stage i know how to do hair i'm telling you this is good and he's like nah and he just slicks the whole thing flat to his head and goes,

yeah, that's how I want it. It's like Kevin and Kevin and Perry. It's madness. But... Perry. Perry. Or Kevin. Which one?

With the cap on. And long hair down the front. Oh, I don't know. Perry with it flat. I don't know, Chris. It was just a comment. No, I wasn't picking you up on it. I can't remember which one

looked like that. I can't remember. It's basically... It's like as if... Imagine Gel in it and Cormac completely flat. Yeah. That's what he's done. And I mean't picking you up on it I can't remember which one looked like that. I can't remember. It's basically it's like as if imagine gel and comb it completely flat. Yeah.

That's what he's done and I mean gel is in the But then I had you say can we put some gel not every day by the way

like it's only if we're going somewhere like nice and you just you're like ugh. Because you've told me for years

to pick me battles with the kids and stuff and sometimes I try to put a coat on them and you go if he doesn't want a coat on don't

bother but you will literally fight tooth and nail to put hair paste on them like they're going on a't want a coat on don't bother but you will literally fight tooth and nail to put hair paste on them like they're going on a fucking catwalk yeah because it makes them look nice

right but they don't want it and I don't want it and I can't be arsed and we're already running late and it's my hair paste oh oh

right okay oh hey ding ding ding ding ding there we go doesn't like shaving his stuff only child

doesn't even like shaving with his own kids what a wanker it's my hair paste oh god you got something wrong with you literally i can be eating a crumpet or something right and the kids will come along and i'll probably not end up eating that crumpet because i'll give them my crumpet i'll do that as well. No, you do not. You don't. You don't. You do not.

Right. Right. No way. I love the greedy man. You're eating your protein bar. Yeah. Right? And they come along and Rafe wants half

and Robin would like half. You can't give them protein. Right. Okay. Oh, right. Just imagine that you can. Right? Would you give them it?

No. Yeah. Dickhead. Shocking, that. Do you want to get my beef with you? Yeah, go on. My beef with you is, we talked about ordering clothes online and stuff before.

Yeah. But I do enjoy going to the shop and getting a haul of clothes every once in a blue moon when I bother my arse to fucking wear something new. That isn't free merch we've been sent. You do dress very shit. Yeah. In day-to-day life day life well I'll tell you

why I dress shit and I think it's all down to you I think it's all your fault great great don't know how this is going to come back to me

you have absolutely ruined buying new clothes for me why? because when I was younger I would go out with my mum if it was like Christmas was coming up I would get some new clothes for Christmas so if I just needed some new clothes I would go out get my mum if it was like Christmas was coming up

I would get some new clothes for Christmas I would go out and get some new clothes then I would come home and set all my clothes up in the kitchen my mum and dad would have a cup of tea of course you did a fucking fashion show damn right I did a fashion show they'd make a cup of tea each

and they'd go and sit in the living room and bit by bit I'd put my new outfits on and I'd walk in and show them. And you never let me do that for you. And it's so unfair. I hate how much you feel the need to tell me about your life. I honestly, just buy something and just use it. And then maybe

when you're wearing it go oh I'll say that's nice that's new oh god you should get yourself a coffee or a drink

phone phone's on silent sit down I'll come in bit by bit what I'm wearing and you go yeah lovely

was that Stitch Fix advert that we did where we filmed me watching you try, was that the best day of your life? One of the, since, yeah, since Easter 1997, that was the best day of my life. I can just see your mum and dad sat down

watching you try clothes on. Cup of tea, child walking. Wow, wow. Mum, look at, in these Adidas pants, mum, they've got buttons all the way down the side. Ooh, eee, Chris, eee. Wow, Bill, look at that. That's fantastic.

My dad's sitting there. Fucking why? Why have they got buttons all the way down the side? Shut up, my dad, you're ruining it. I wouldn't have even got my mum and dad sat down. Do you know that? Yeah, well, don't be jealous of my brilliant childhood. It's time for questions from the public.

Questions from the public, public. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-public. Guys, as always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shaggedmorrowdenoyed at gmail.com. Rosie, what do you have for us? Loads of stuff, Chris, thanks. Hi, just listening to the latest episode where someone had written about their sweatshop lesson experience.

Brilliant, at school, yeah. It was certainly unhinged and made me have a flashback to primary school i went to a church of england primary school my mum lied about having me and my brother christened to get us in by the way um which was very religious the following story may explain just how religious okay every easter the headmaster would call a school-wide assembly where he would recreate jesus's crucifixion in great detail at christmas at easter oh sorry i thought you said christmas did i oh wow no you didn't probably not every easter the headmaster would call a school-wide assembly where he would recreate jesus's crucifixion the kids and teachers would be lining either side of the assembly hall

leaving a path in the middle a tape in brackets this was the 90s would then start which had sounds of jeering and shouting the headmaster would then appear from the double doors at the back of the assembly hall dressed in a toga slash nappy hybrid barefoot and bare chested wearing Wearing a long brown wig and a beard and a thorned crown. And carrying a large wooden cross on his shoulders. He played Jesus.

Oh God. Even Mel Gibson didn't play Jesus when he made a film of Jesus and he's a fucking egomaniac. He wants the kids to take it seriously. Jesus in his own production of Jesus' death. Oh, my God. So he's got the wooden cross as well, right?

Of course he has. At this point, a whipping sound would appear on the tape with a voice shouting, walk! Each time after a whipping sound. You know he's recorded that somewhere as well he's gone to a recording studio for a day and recorded that himself the headmaster would then mime being whipped as he walked up to the front of the assembly i've gone past hating him and i love him i actually

think this is fantastic so he mimes being whipped like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah right you're at the front of the assembly where he would put up the cross and step on. There was a step at the bottom of the cross. So he'd step on the bottom. Wow. Two teachers would then mime hammering in nails and it says in brackets, of course accompanied by sound effects

courtesy of the Crucifix Soundscape while the headmaster cried. Cried? Cried? Cried? This is horrendous. I need to remind you at this point. Just afterwards as well in the staff room. Yeah, Mr. Smithson,

you were well out of time hammering the nails in there. Really threw us off me crying. We'll get it better for next year. Mrs. Minson, you made a mockery of the entire crucifixion there. Three nails you hammered in. There was clearly two. Clearly two. Miss Jones, you were late with the palms.

I need to remind you at this point, this was primary school. Primary! Oh, my God! I didn't realise it was primary! I thought it was comedy! I'm in my 30s now, an atheist, and still not sure if this was a genuine attempt of getting across the gravity of the crucifixion or was some weird king of the headmasters and he was just using Easter as an excuse to get his rocks off. Oh, wow.

I can't imagine it would be allowed today. The 90s were a mess. They were, you know. Fantastic. No, the 90s were a mess. Oh, wow. I can't imagine it would be allowed today. The 90s were a mess. They were, you know. Fantastic. No, the 90s were a mess. Oh, my God. I love that so much. I'd give anything to watch that live.

So scarring. That's like something from The Office. That's like David Brent. That's absolutely beautiful. Oh, I love it. Oh, delicious. Walk! The headmaster then disappeared for four days.

Okay, we've got an ick here. Wonderful. Oh, you're so disgusting. Ick. We've got an ick, and this lass has emailed so many times. And I've actually got some of the other ones that she's sent in she sent about five things in brilliant thank you and we used one of them on the tour we've used one of them on the tour i can't remember what story it was now but uh so i'll read

i'll read a couple of them because she's got some good stories okay love it thank you for your um yeah your constant bombardment yeah it's over the It's over the span of like four years. Love you. Thank you so, so much. That's wonderful. Love that. Hi, guys. Ick for you.

I had just been seeing this guy, and one night we were texting about hobbies. I said I enjoy music, to which he responds, I can sing, you know. I was instantly intrigued, so asked what he was into. I got a voice note reply. Knew it.

If that wasn't an icky note the voice note was of him singing yeah singing opera oh no opera of all the ones no i mean listen i love opera singing just want to say it no i've got a very good friend who listens to this podcast who is a phenomenal opera singer. Yeah, yeah. But sending it in a voice note is, that's great. But what if it's him?

I doubt very much that it's him. It might be him. I doubt very much. Might be like, yeah, what do you do? A lot fucking cooler than that. Yeah, I sing. What do you sing?

Oh, I don't know. I sing. Listen, Dorma. Listen, Dorma. You know what would be so much better? What? If she said, I'm into music, and he went, I can sing, you know, into it, can't you? And the voice note was just, I'm a scat man.

Oh, what if it was, and he taught me to yodel with the, he love to hit it, he love to hit it, he love to hit it. I block him, I block him, I block him. Stop yodeling. You love my yodeling. I haven't yodeled for ages.

Absolutely hate it. Well, you, you, you. You let it go. God. Stop it. Hello, hello, hello. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Same lass, different story.

Great. Same lass, different story. I hope you both well. I've been meaning to send this story in for about six months, but never got around to actually typing it. As you can see... How busy are you? Jesus.

Fuck me. I finally did get around to it, and I hope you enjoy it. Yeah. I've heard every single episode you've released, and I think my story will make you laugh. I would appreciate it, though, if you could please keep me anonymous. Always. It was the summer of 1998 freshly out of

school and away on my first girls holiday in tenerife wow we had a good week after all the usual activities you know drinking sunbathing drinking sleeping dancing and more drinking got you the hotel in which we were staying late and on evening activities which to be honest we're not too we were not too interested in sorry what with the lure of the tenerife pubs and clubs just down the road however we were lying around the pool one day near the end of our holiday when one of the entertainment blokes from the hotel came up to us and asked us if we'd be interested in being hypnotized as part of the evening stage show absolutely not no move on why though personally it freaks me out yeah

so someone tried to do it to me once in a comedy club backstage it was a new act I've never seen him since but it was a new act

but he claimed to be able to do hypnosis hypnotise himself to death well I've just I pretended I pretended to be under for a couple minutes I lifted my head up

I was like mate it's not working he was like oh yeah it doesn't work on some people I was like I think I don't know i don't know if i believed or not but i maybe i was really against it maybe while he was doing it i was like my whole thing was i'm gonna pop my head up and go are you full of shit um i don't know how it can work personally i mean people make a lot of money off i think it is a thing yeah i think it's more suggestive i

think you've got to be quite suggestible to it whereas when someone's talking to me, I'm normally not listening anyway. Well, yeah. That is true. My mate and I said yes straight away. To this day, I don't know why I was so keen to take part. I think I must have been growing up watching Paul McKenna on TV

and wondering whether it was real. Fair point. I was about to find out. See the one who bent the spoon? No, that was Uri Geller. That was Uri Geller. Yeah. Paul McKenna is the one who... the spoon no that was Uri Geller yeah Paul McKenna

is the one who can make you sleep can make you thin does all the books I can make you stop smoking I can make you sleep I can make you thin all of that

yeah yeah yeah take away your stomach what just takes away your stomach does that what he does makes you believe you haven't got a stomach or a mouth

no I know what he does with food right you think of your favourite food and what you want to eat and then you imagine just loads of horrible stuff on it. I would like to see him try that on you. Oh, no, it wouldn't work at all. Paul, I've scraped all the horrible stuff off.

In me brain. But there was dog shit on there, Rosie. There was cat shit. There was cigarettes stumped out in the cat shit. Scraped it all off, Paul. Smoked the cigarettes. Thanks, Paul. Thank you for your help. Really nice bar of chocolate.

Okay. Later on that evening, about eight of us were in the front row of the audience, ready to take part in the stage show. There was the usual introduction, blah-de-blah, and then we were invited up on stage. The hypnotist talked us through what was going to happen the actual process of hypnosis would take about five minutes during which we were instructed to keep our eyes shut after that time we would be hypnotized and under the spell until released from our trance

the hypnotist started hypnotizing us and i sat still eyes tight shut wondering when i might start to feel something i just felt normal like me but with my eyes shut that's a trip advisor review that's a trip advisor review of the hypnosis how's hypnosis felt normal like me with the eyes shut three stars but you know i trusted the process why it's a holiday like just thinking back like when i was you know when i used to go on holiday with mom and dad in the 90s like hypnosis big shit it was hot shit come on just it's fucking really weird that it was so mainstream oh yeah get up when everyone's pissed and he's this guy you'll fucking you make you forget the number 10 or whatever

or you count and you miss it out. Can you imagine if it just came out now? Can you imagine if it literally, if it wasn't a thing and someone came out today

in the news and went, I can do this thing where I can control your brain. You'd be fucking locked up in a second. Wow. So strange really.

It is actually. It's really strange. But like they said about the school, the 90s was fucking lawless wasteland it was the good old days

right so she feels like her with her eyes closed she just feels like her it feels like normal without her after about 5 minutes the hypnotist started

telling the audience that the process was complete and he would begin the show he instructed us to open our eyes and when I did

to my absolute horror I was the only one left on stage at this point I had a moment of internal panic 200 people looking at me and I knew that it wasn't I wasn't actually hypnotized wow but I wondered if maybe I actually was I'd never had it happen before so I didn't know how I'd actually feel anyway I'm a good actress so I decided to go along with it and adopted a glassy-eyed stare.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my mates absolutely killing themselves in the audience. The hypnotist started with asking me to pretend to play the invisible drums and then to ride a booking bronco on stage, complete with ye has, and then fall off it onto the floor. I had gone past the point of no return. to the floor. I had gone past the point of no return. To stand up now and confess I wasn't actually hypnotised would have made me look like an even bigger

idiot. So I lurched around the stage, whizzing an invisible lasso above my head. After that, the hypnotist had me sit down. He said that he was going to show me his enormous penis, and that I was to pretend it was as big as a marrow

and the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. The fucking 90s. What the fuck? So he pretended to flop it out onto my lap and honestly, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had to stroke it, admiringly and marvel at its size.

My word. I honestly don't know if he knew I wasn't actually hypnotised and was just having a laugh at my expense, or whether he thought I was, and I don't really know which would have been worse. That's so fucking weird. So weird. After that, it was one, two, three, back in the room,

and I pretended that it was all real and that I had absolutely no memory of what had happened. That bit wasn't hard there was no way on this earth I was going to admit I did all that voluntarily. My mates kept asking me what it felt like and I if I had made up some bollocks about it being as if it was a dream or something. My word. Turns out all the other participants didn't feel like they were being hypnotized so they all just got up and walked off stage anyway thank god this was all just before the era of smartphones or i have a feeling this would have haunted me forever to this day my mates

never knew that i was making it up and always reminisce about that time i was hypnotised on stage and worshipped a massive knob. The shame. Wow. What? Wow. I think this must have been an 18 to 30s holiday. Did you ever watch the programmes? I was obsessed with them when I was younger. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The club reps and all that. I never went on an 18, 30s holiday.

But Jesus Christ, the stuff they used to do, like on a night time and that. Full on strip shows and stuff and all that stuff. It was probably something like that. Yeah, I mean, I can't imagine there's, you know, children in the crowd while she strokes an imaginary knob. Yeah, yeah. But then again, the 90s, you didn't now, do you?

God, times have changed. But yeah, it's a shame that she couldn't have filmed that because it sounds like it could have been good for an acting reel if she ever wanted to be an actor. That is true. Watch all that. Did you see it? Horrible good for an acting reel if she ever wanted to be an actor. That is true. Watch all that. Did you see it? Horrible, wasn't it?

Wasn't even hypnotized. Where do you want us to stand, Steven Spielberg? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Do you want to hear another one from her? Yeah. Right, okay. It's fucking brilliant.

It's a bit of a shit story. What do you mean? It's like a let's talk about shit story. Oh, that's fine then. Yeah, I thought you meant it's a shit story. No, no, no, no, no. It's a shit story. Absolutely not. If it's a shit story, then yes. Let's talk about shit story. Oh, that's fine then. Yeah, I thought you meant it's a shit story. If it's a shit story, I don't even know. No, no, no, no, no. If it's a shit story, absolutely not.

If it's a shit story, then yes. Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good stuff, all the bad things that have been. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit.

Let's talk about shit. Shagged, married and shit. Dear Chris and Rosie, I thought to email in As I haven't heard a Let's talk about shit story For a while I think this goes without saying Please keep me anonymous

This was actually sent In 2020 From the same lass Who got the voice note From the Singer The opera singer And pretended to be hypnotised

Love her She'll be your favourite Yeah I'm gonna call her Sarah Okay I hope that's her Sarah. Okay. I hope that's her real name. Okay.

Yeah. I was once seeing this guy for a while who I met off a dating app. After a very short amount of time, we had already done the deed. Hashtag shameless slag. Nothing shameless about that. Got to get your rocks off where you can.

Why not? It was incredible. He was so good at going down best I've ever had. Whoa. Going downtown, Nana. That's what she's talking about. Yeah, going downstairs

to get her stuff. Yeah. When she was upstairs and she's like, oh, I've left my phone downstairs. Can you go down and get it? She'll go down and get it. Yeah.

What did they call licking out in the olden days? I don't know. But licking out's disgusting. Yeah, I know. Yeah. What do you think's the best way to say it what did they what did like what did our grandparents call don't know

i'm never gonna ask them no i know but they must have had a name for it i called it something stupid like kissing the flower or something right oh that's quite nice yeah yeah but during sex maybe yeah i don't know or in a sexy like letter during the war how what year time are we talking about here

are you the 40s I feel like this has been written with quills the 40s I don't know what did they call cunnilingus

in the 40s they didn't call it cunnilingus I don't know then shall I ring my nana absolutely fucking not she'd love it I can't be in the room if you ring your nana. Shall I ring my nana? Absolutely fucking not. She'd love it. I can't be in the room if you ring your nana.

Okay. Shall I ask my mum? Oh my God, please let me ring my mum and ask her. She'll be devastated. This is horrible. Let's ring Sandra.

Oh God. She'll be gutted. Oh man. She's so not rude. Well she is. Explain to my mum. So Sandra, Sandra's dirty as out but in like public she pretends she mum so Sandra Sandra's dirty

is out but in like public she pretends she's not it's ridiculous I can't believe this I can't believe it's happening I feel sick

I actually feel really ill oh well see what she says I can't look I don't know why because I'm still here at all oh Jesus

is she alright hi mum you okay yeah yeah I'm just we're just recording the podcast so this is going to be on the podcast Oh, Jesus. Is she all right? Hi, Mum, you okay? Yeah. Yeah, I'm just... We're just recording the podcast, so this is going to be on the podcast. But I'm just...

Really quick question. Do you know, like, in the 1930s and the 1940s, like, in the olden days... Olden days. Right. Right. I mean, I wasn't... No, I know, but you're quite switched on, right?

What did they call, like, you know, when a're quite switched on, right? What did they call, like, you know when a person goes down on a woman, we call it now, like, licking out? Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. What did they call it back then? How are you on to that? What are you talking about? We're just talking about...

What did they call it then? What did they call it? Like, what would... I don't think they did it in them days. I don't... Did they not? Well, maybe Lady Chatterley's lover or something. Well, it happened in that.

All the time. Have you seen it? I know it did. But that's... Yeah, but that was a big scandal book, you know. That was quite a... Happening Game of Thrones. That was ages ago.

Oh, yeah. That was... They wanted to abandon everything. Right. If you had to hazard a guess, listen, there's £50,000 riding on this, ma'am. You're on the wheel. What's the answer?

The wheel, 8 o'clock on a Saturday. Do you know what? I couldn't even, I don't know. We said kissing the flower. Oh, that's rather nice. That actually sounds nice, doesn't it? Okay, we'll go with that then. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if Janet knows. Ask your mate. Go on, ask her. Jan. Jesus Christ. This podcast, this sounds awful, right?

Yes, it is awful. You heard it all in the early sort of like 26th or the Do you know Coneylingus? Uh-huh. Do you know what

what it was called then? Like, did they have a like like like it's common like a horrible name. Fox be upon you. Fox be upon you and that. that no janice getting totally the wrong end of the stick spells jesus

ask her where she is where Where are you, Mum? Keane Valley. Just come out of Markies. Shame, shame. I want nobody to hear anything. Oh, my God. Oh, I love it. Well, listen, you two have a lovely afternoon. Go get your flowers kissed, all right?

Oh, my God. Love you. Bye, my god bye bye bye bye outside of marks and spencer's a team valley and gate said jan do you know what that was called sorry love get past your trolley there jan the olden days man you know licking fannies was called jan no no i'll get in the car no i'm not leaving we're going somewhere else no it's not we're not moving it's not a parking space no Jan fucking hell man did he hear that first though

oh Rosie oh what you're talking Jan what did I call going down outside of Marks and Spencer this is just

disgusting do you know what it is I love our people yeah on our people who we've got round us mint absolutely mint

anyway so this lad who she's met yeah very much in the 21st century yeah very good at it

okay very good at it so one night we went on a date to the local pub for some pints date to the local pub for some pints

yeah yeah after getting pleasantly tipsy we wandered back to his flat to do some shagging. Previously this night,

we had talked about trying anal together. Ah, okay. Yeah. Now, I hadn't tried anal since being a teen. Horrendous. What a sentence.

And had no cares in the world. Now, in my early 20s, the idea was intriguing. However, I know I would need a bit of Dutch courage. So, that's why he dove into the drawers and got the lube. Right.

All right? Don't want to be going in there dry. No. The experience was going pretty well. Him saying it felt amazing and me proud I still had the skill. Don't know if it's a skill. Don't put it on your CV. Maybe keep that one

in your little pocketbook of skills. Silver Award, Attendance, Comprehensive School, Duke of Edinburgh, Pass Plus Driving, Does Anal Like a Champ. Star.

Oh, okay. Takes it up the brown star like a star. star oh okay so takes it up the brown star like a star two weeks work experience in a hospital no nothing to do with it I think that's the next bit down

that's just the next bit down oh okay so okay mine would be work experience body shop yeah yeah Elton Square.

There we go. Okay. Then all of a sudden, the alcohol stomach began to rumble. I've been drinking pints. I felt a definite wetness from my anus. I haven't stuck better. But with what was going on, I had no idea if it was lube, yeah, his penis, shit. Wetness. Just wetness. Wetness. Before I could say anything, he had pulled out, turned me on my back and proceeded to kiss my flower.

Oh, never in the world. At this point, I thought, well, I mustn't have done anything as he wouldn't go down there. Oh, God almighty. After spending a bit of time there, down there, I came. Good for you. It was at this point,

he lifted up his head and revealed, yes, you guessed it, a shitty lube mess on his chin. Oh, this is the worst episode

we've ever done. It was as if there was a shitty beard. Oh, this is the worst episode we've ever done. It was as if there was a shitty beard. Oh, God. He could see on my face that something was wrong. Oh, jerk. And quickly jumped up and ran to the bathroom. And before I knew it, he had gone into the shower to clean himself. Before I knew it, he had set himself on fire and jumped out of the window.

Honestly, we are disgusting, vile chimps. Do you know that? Send the media. It's gone too far. Send it now and end it all. Bloody fucking poo goaty all over this guy's face. Fucking pint after pint after pint. You were doing, why not?

That's a great idea. Oh, my God. Honestly, the day you want to try anal, just don't eat much. Don't eat much. I was mortified. There's literally another hole there

that's brilliant. Five stars. It's brilliant. Chris, there's J Spots up there. There's a reason why it happens. Yeah, but you know. Just because you're not into it

doesn't mean we're not sex shaming here. Well, sorry, if you come up from something with a goatee of poo, I'm sex shaming you, I don't care. Sorry and all that. Well, do you know what it is? There should be more prepared. Yeah. And douche.

Or douched and all that. Yeah. Tell you what, some of my mates' arseholes are cleaner than my vagina. God almighty. I can tell you that right now. These two monkey fuckers have been out on the pints and thought they'd just have a bit of bum sex and it's not gone very well.

Like sticking a plunger in a blocked toilet. Exactly, mate. I was mortified. It was all over him. Me and the bedding. Heavens, heavens, heavens. I took off his sheet and jumped in the shower after him. To be honest to him him he was a gent

about the whole scenario and we continued to see each other for a couple of months after that that's good isn't it that's good because you know it would have been awful if he'd been awful about it but that's really nice and I'm dead glad, I've had some like not shit related but

some like period disasters with lads who I might not have been with for very long. And they were always very lovely about it. So, you know, there you go. Mum, I'm not slagging off my exes. Yeah. I've picked some nice lads in the past. And I think, you know, if you're listening now

and you're a young lad and stuff, yes, we'll laugh about it. I know we take the piss. But in the moment, if something happens that's embarrassing and rude, don't be awful about it. Yeah know we take the piss. But in the moment, if something happens that's embarrassing and rude, don't be awful about it. Yeah. Don't be a dickhead.

Yeah. Write in to us later. Yeah, just save it up and send it to us. But at the time, be nice. Because, you know, she didn't mean to shit herself. She shat herself. She shat him.

She shat on him. She shat everything. She shat the room. She shat the event. Probably should have put some kind of trigger warning before this story and how dirty it was,

but too late now, hard lines. No, we don't do... We do not do trigger warnings. No, we don't. We stopped trigger warnings You know what? You're signed up for your fucking dirty little...

Yeah. Yeah, we can. And thank you to Sarah who wrote them in. Not called Sarah, but there we go. You never know, do you? That was a trilogy.

That was the Sarah trilogy. Yeah, it was. Gosh, well done, Sarah. Thanks, Sarah. Not called Sarah, but they were called. You never know, do you? That was a trilogy. That was the Sarah trilogy. Yeah, it was. Gosh, well done, Sarah. Thanks, Sarah. Not a name. Again, not a real name. Not a real name. Thank you so much

for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed. Thank you so, so much. If you'd like to get in touch with any kind of story

related to anything or not related to anything you may or may not have heard today. It's shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com and the TV show starts tonight. And that's all I've got. And if you are from the 30s or the 40s or the 20s or the 10s, oh my gosh,

let us know what you call, what is that called? What was it called? 10s? The 10s? Yeah, absolutely, the 10s. Was it? I don't know. No.

Is it the 1800s what 19th century no 20th century 1800s is 19 yeah 19s 20th century is the 19s and the 21st century is now the 20s

okay great okay great just let me know what it was called when someone went down on you my nose and bum are bleeding

thank you bye bye know what what it was called when someone went down on you he knows and bummer bleeding thank you bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features her way and tor Toronto symphony orchestra, music director, Gustavo Jimeno in conversation together. They dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's the right of spring

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Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.