Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 219. Nice Coat Lee

Episode Date: May 26, 2023

On this week's podcast the pair catch up after a few days at home and a trip to the beach. There's a breaking wind confession and some Power Rangers chat. Beefs are okay, or are they? QFTP's cover office fridge politics, a scented candle, nicknames and a love egg. To vote for The Chris and Ramsey Show at the NTA's visit: https://www.nationaltvawards.com/vote Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marinoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, brother from another mother, Christopher Ramsey.

Literally not a brother from another mother. Although, yes, a brother from another mother. Can you call your husband a brother from another mother? I don't, I've got no idea. Hold on, brother from another, it means not really a brother. Yeah, from another mother. Not really a brother.

From your mother? Oh, Jesus. What, as if you had to explain that. Sorry, just claiming that you're my brother. Again, I've told you, man. We know we're not brother and sister, though, because of who do you think you are

I was just about to say when who do you think you are came and they were like oh Rosie might be on an episode I was like oh fucking hell this is all I need that'd be right

this is all I bloody need on top of all my woes to know that I'm bloody give me six Chris give me six classic classic

hello hello you all good I am I am good are you we're down in that London again yeah god honestly

just Livia would you never you haven't we can't we're too northern it hurts Hello. You all good? I am. I am good. Are you? We're down in that London again. Yeah, God, honestly. Just live here, would you? Never. Never. You've had, we can't, we're too northern, it hurts. We're here for too long, it burns like a vampire in a church.

Now, love London, love coming down for a little holiday, but we basically, we were at home yesterday and we're going to squeeze the podcast in and you quite rightly was like, why don't we just do it when we get to London because then we're going to have

the whole day at home yesterday. I'm just very aware that we're had, and the is yes we had the weekend off work but we had the kids and it's not a day off it's just not a day off so i just fancy the day when we're doing this tv show like having a laugh on the sofa with like jack whitehall and his dad and joel domit and hannah and you know everyone's like it's lovely the crowd's there everyone's having a good time you have a little drink after and then people are like oh you're going home for a lovely relaxing weekend. No, I'm going home

to fucking be a minder for two, pardon my French here, two absolute dickheads who live in me house. Oh, don't. No, they're amazing. They've been really

canny this weekend. Oh, they were lush this weekend. Yeah, they were. So, so good. We have started sleeping. Oh, listen. Well done, Ray. About fucking time,

you little shit. Hallelujah. Oh, my God. Oh god don't jinx it don't talk about it too much because you'll just go back to getting up at half four in the morning I just want to say one thing

about it who sorted it who fixed it er mother nature because he's had a sleep regression which

you've not done anything which guy said I'm going to fix this and sorted the whole thing out which guy said I'm going to fix it and then actually didn't have to do anything because Rave didn't wake up? It was the aura that I, it was the kind of, it was the mood I put him in.

It was the way I put him down. It was the way I put him back down in the morning. And it was just the whole aura of the idea of just like, he knew he couldn't fuck with me. No. He knew. I'll stop you there. Daddy's day does not start at 4am.

It doesn't happen, mate. I'll stop you there. The reason he stays in bed Is because he's not asked About seeing you In the middle of the night Also A very fair point

You put him to bed He's like He's going to have me tonight I'm married for this It is Yeah So if you put him to bed He's like

Oh mummy I want mummy to come back I'll put him to bed He's like Bye mate See you See you at 7 Dickhead

Good day Bye mate good chat see you after i shut the door cheers draw he doesn't give a fucking shit he doesn't give a shit anyway guys and you gotta tell you right there guys guys guys it's episode 219 nice number i think anyway um because i'm not sure i don't have my laptop but there's all the other notes on but i've went on the app and I've counted one up that's how it works well done

it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is Post Beach Bathwater oh hey had a nice day at the beach

oh kids been running around and frolicking in the sand and sea oh fantastic oh get them home put them in the bath what the fuck?

What is that? There's a skin on it. There's a film on top of the water. It's gritty. What the hell? Yes, they've been playing

in dirt all day. I know, I know. It's disgusting. I love the beach. I bathed them after the beach the other day and it was like fucking soup.

We were only there a couple of hours. Well, you've got to keep reminding yourself because, listen, I don't want to slag south shields beach because it did all beaches all beaches i'm slagging all beaches that's where we were well all beaches right yeah all beaches yeah you're kind of there and your kids are playing in the sand and it's lush and they're building sandcastles and then they go to eat or put something in the mouth and you're like oh there's dog piss

all over yeah yeah yeah and people have just walked their monkey feet. It's minging, isn't it, actually? Yeah, bare feet, dog feet, dog piss, human piss. Probably some human shit. Robin dropped a chip in the sand and just threw it in his mouth and just ate it. Oh, and just ate sand. I could hear him crunching sand. He thought it was hilarious.

I know. He's such a strange kid. He went into the North Sea. He went under. He fully submerged his entire body in the North Sea up to, he went under. He fully submerged his entire body in the North Sea. It was awful.

And Rafe was shaking so much, shivering, he was actually rattling. I could hear him rattling. Well, just having that dip the other day

and I dipped my feet in. Bearing in mind I'd bought all of the gear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bought one of them. Yeah, yeah. So we went, yeah,

so we went to the beach with the kids. I put my feet in. Don't get us wrong, it hurt. It was like putting me, it was like walking on nails. It was so cold. And you were like,

how do people swim in this? And I had to remind you that you bought all of the stuff. I've got a long sleeve, I've got a long sleeve swimming costume. Yeah. And I bought one of them coats. Coat with a towel in,

which you just wear around the house now. I'm going to go, and I haven't done it yet. I just haven't got around to it. You'll never do it. I don't think I can it you'll never do it I don't think I can you'll never do it it's so cold how do people do it

you get used to it after a while me feet weren't hurting anymore but it took a while oh my god I think I'm alright you know I think honestly I think I'm just going to

let this trend pass me by I'll get Kate to put it on you've got a bottle of gear though a bottle of gear I'll get Kate to put it on vinted right there we go then I've got loads of stuff

to put on vinted actually great look forward to it do you have to post them yourself no my Kate's going to do it right good I'll get Kate to put on Vinted. Right. There we go then. I've got loads of stuff to put on Vinted actually. Great. Look forward to it. Do you have to post them yourself? No. My Kate's going to do it. Right. Good.

Probably pocket the profits. I'm going to have to keep it close eye. She'll be like, you only got £4 for this top. I'll be like, still have the tag on. I think you'll find that's a full toweled jacket

for the North Sea. That unused tiny little bit of dog piss on it where I dropped the bottom of it on the sand guys I forgot to say thank you so much for listening thank you so much for being here

thank you so much for coming back let's get this let's get this show on the road let's get the jingle on let's have a bloody good laugh alright let's have a party no no no a bloody

no a bloody good laugh not a party very different thing let me pop this grape in my mouth oh god she's eating grape they are massive grapes by the way they're like fucking apples like oh put the jingle on she's eating grape. They are massive grapes, by the way. They're like fucking apples.

Put the jingle on. She's chewing it. Oh, stop it. Like balls? We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jing the jingle Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo Jingle Hello and welcome back to the Chris and... I mean shagged, married, annoyed Oh, you're getting your jobs mixed up I did that deliberately I definitely know that this isn't it But Jesus Christ, Christopher Do you want to be on the telly anymore?

You arrogant, narcissistic arsehole Wow, I mean... Sick of seeing my face on the telly anymore you arrogant narcissistic arsehole wow i mean sick of seeing my face on the telly yeah you're literally sitting next to us on all of them things i know horrible hate it we're kind of chilling out a bit now though we've only got a couple more things actually if anything you've got to do all your promo at the top thank you everyone who's been watching the show we really appreciate it thank you the uh the numbers the ratings the ratings have been fantastic it's rated higher than. The numbers, the ratings have been fantastic. It's rated higher than any other president.

The ratings have been fantastic. I can't now say that any ratings or anything's been fantastic without sounding like I'm doing a Donald Trump lie. I know. I've enjoyed getting

the ratings through. It's a thing that I never knew existed. It's exciting. You can't get them on Google, so you've got to wait to get them from the important people at BBC. I think only specific people

can get the ratings, but every channel will get them. It's like a little secret. So we get it through every Saturday morning and they go, very well done, guys. But that's thank you to every one of you listening who hopefully is watching as well. It's on iPlayer, if not.

Jack White, Holy's dad were amazing. Very funny. That couple who got engaged. Oh my gosh, yeah. Massive congrats. We had no idea. I got a couple of annoying little tweets going, you had no idea, but you gave them a box at the end?

What was the box? Well, first of all, the box is two Chris and Rosie Ramsey show wine glasses. And a bottle of wine. And a bottle of Chris and Rosie Ramsey show wine. Don't know what it's like. Well, it's probably just some normal wine with the label peeled off and then a printed off Chris and Rosie Ramsey show label put on. Christ, it's not our own.

We haven't been pressing the grapes ourselves, have we? But yeah, someone just came in here and said, go to the side and grab this box and someone was standing there

and I didn't know what it is when I was giving them it. We didn't know about that engagement either. I had no clue. It was bloody lovely. Blew my mind that. Blew my mind.

If you watched it, there is a point where Chris is literally in the shot and I'm like, get out the shot because he's on one knee and you bent down and I'm like, get out the shot because he's on one knee and you bent down.

I was like, get up, Chris. Give him some moral support. What if she said no? I don't, Rosie, I was so excited.

I didn't know what to do. Her memory of being reposed to is her fiance now and you with your hand over your mouth being like, oh my God, on your knees.

Like, so weird. So I made it better, you're saying? I made it better? No, it was just very odd no i know i was panicking was he i didn't know where to put myself and yeah you did you look even more on tv show on the bbc and you're literally like still just a wife shouting at her husband get out of the way of them you're ruining that big moment you prick and i had to like run around the other side of the sofa i didn't know where to go man well when he got his toes out the director was was in my ear on my earpiece going, you're in the shot.

And I'm like, but I've never seen webbed toes before. I'm so excited. Yeah, so behind the scenes, we've got an earpiece in and they just shout it all day. They just shout nonstop. Yeah, yeah. So that's fun. And also, if anyone fancies getting rid of anything,

it goes or I go. It's not too late to apply for this series. If you've got, if your partner or someone you love owns something you hate, that does your head in, get in touch. The, the,

the, was it? It's on our, I think it's on our Instagram that it goes a right. You've done it now. I'm going to have to get the website on. Oh God. Oh God.

Right. Get yourself a pen and paper. I'll give you a minute. Yeah. They can pause it. You don't need to give you a minute. Yeah. Pause it. You don't need to give them a minute. All right, okay. It is shortaudition.com forward slash it dash goes dash o dash i.

Fucking hell. That's shortaudition.com forward slash it dash goes dash o dash i dash go. Fuck me. What's that? it-goes-o-i-go. Fuck me. What's that? It's the worst website. Is that an email or a website? I don't know. No, I think it's a website.

I think it's an actual website. Forget it. It doesn't matter. If we get another series, you can do it on the next one. Fucking hell, that was, that was painful. That was like an old fucking,

that was like an old MySpace name or an old Hotmail address. Do you remember getting a pen and paper when someone was saying something on the radio? I do, I do. So much fun.

Oh crap, that was painful. Apologies to everyone for all the dashes and underscores you had to deal with there. Was it a dash? Was it an underscore? Was it a star?

We'll never know. Fuck it. It doesn't matter. You could have the greatest thing in the world to get rid of. It doesn't matter. We'll never say it

because that was painful. So often we talk about the fact that stuff happens in our lives and we don't tell each other because we'll have to wait for the podcast so something happened on our little trip to the beach the other day something happened the other day to me and you were right next to us and thankfully you didn't hear it you didn't see it neither of our kids here heard it or saw it i thought right i have to remember this and i'd left my phone at home so i had to go home i had to keep it in my head and get home and write it in my phone dead quick right so shields beach you've got shields beach and then there's a minchella's the the the ice cream place there's one next to the amphitheater another amphitheater is like an outside performance space i used to go and watch little shows when we were kids.

So we were walking up the steps of the amphitheater, up the sort of seated area bits, the tiers, to get back to where our car was.

Yeah. Our two children were walking behind us, right, and we were trying to get them to come, weren't we? Yes.

Come on, come on. I don't know where this is going. I've no idea. Well, I was going to walk up one of the steps and Robin was behind us. Rafe was walking towards you.

Last time I looked, Robin was right behind us. And as I'm walking up one of the steps, I knew Robin was right behind us. So I just did like a massive, massive fart in his face. Wasn't him. It's a different kid.

I swear to God, it was a different child. They over, I don't know where they came from. They must have overtook him or they must have come down from the steps at the side, but I thought it was Robin.

I literally just went right in his face and I turned around. I didn't grab him or anything. I just, I knew, I could feel that there was a child right behind us

and I just farted as loud as I could. And I like, I turned around like, ta-da! Different kid. He just looked at us. He looked really, he just put his head down

and ran at the manchellas. That's horrible. Do you notice I got really antsy and tried to get her back to the car really quickly at one point? It's because I thought

he was going to go and be like, daddy, this man's just farted in my face. I just take that off as you being a dickhead but that's horrendous. I was mortified.

Why are you farting in my kids' faces anyway? Well, as I farted, I thought, do you know what? The worst part is that amphitheatre is built for sound. It's built so that you can project.

So people at the other side of it will be able to hear it, which was annoying. That is so bad. Oh, he looked so put out, this kid. You farted in a random kid's face? So if anyone says, if you're in South Shields at the weekend and your kid said that a man farted in their face and you either laughed it off or said,

are you okay? It was me and I'm really, really, really sorry. Please email it in short audition. Please email it thisman-farted-in-my-kids-face. You've got to remember, you know, I know that you do children a need in that. He might know who you are. That's horrendous.

I thought it was Robin. I thought it was Robin. Bad, bad form. Terrible, wasn't it? Terrible. I'm just really sad that you didn't tell us at the time

because I would have found that really funny. Well, yeah, but I've seen it with the podcast. I know, but at the time

I would have found that really funny. And it wasn't, can I just clarify, it wasn't like inches from his face. He was probably like a meter away from me,

but he was, I was up the next step so he was arse height. So I was like, Robin, you're getting one of ya. Different kid. Fuck, honestly, fuck myse height. So I was like, Robin, you're getting one of you. Different kid. Fuck, honestly.

Fuck my life sometimes. And I forget, you know. That's the thing, because we live in this little bubble in the Northeast. It's the same as when we went to the BAFTAs. We went to the BAFTAs, and I'm like, there was loads of famous people we made,

so we'll use her on the telly. I'm like, but it's different. We live in the North. We live in a little bubble. I forget. I forget I'm famous, and I fart in children's faces and amphitheaters,

and I shouldn't. Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm not made for this world you know another thing i just wanted to flag up uh robin our son has started watching power rangers yes old episodes i'm struggling at the minute i'm really struggling right to find something that they both like hard in it it's they take like half an hour intervals, and I'm like, right, Robin can have his thing on, and then Rafe can have his thing on. And then I'm trying to find a balance, but at the same time, I don't want Rafe to watch anything

that's too old for him, and Robin won't watch anything that's too young for him. I don't know what to do. Well, CBeebies is normally good until Robin realises that CBeebies is on and then starts kicking off. Because he doesn't like the idea of CBeebies, but he will happily watch everything on CBeebies. Oh, he loves the programmes, yeah, yeah, yeah. that CBeebies is on and then starts kicking off because he doesn't like the idea of CBeebies but he will happily watch

everything on CBeebies because CBeebies is amazing but then he's like oh this is CBeebies I'm like you were sitting in silence watching it a second ago you dick he did that with Power Rangers

I was like I think you would like the Power Rangers he was like I don't like the Power Rangers I was like I think you will I don't like it put it on I don't like

silence silence sat and watched it for an hour I was like, you are, you're a fucking hypocrite. So, it's 90s sort of. It's dated.

It is dated. No, this one, it's more modern, this one. Wow, okay. Well, that's even worse. So I came in to the room and it wasn't a bit of fighting. No one was in any costumes.

It was just one of the drama bits. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a storyline. Yeah, it's a bit of a storyline and it was one of the guys, one of the rangers, out of costume but he's probably still, I think he's's got a storyline. Yeah, it's a bit of a storyline and it was one of the guys, one of the rangers, out of costume, but he's probably still,

he's the blue ranger, he's still probably had a bit of blue on him somewhere. Right. Because they always, I don't know how people don't work out that these six kids who knock around together

in correspondent colours are actually the Power Rangers. Do you know what I mean? They're like six, you know them six people that's all, one's in a red t-shirt, one's in a pink t-shirt,

black t-shirt, green t-shirt, yellow t-shirt, that white t-shirt, they're all just together. They're t-shirt green t-shirt yellow t-shirt that white t-shirt they're all together dead bendy dead flexible there's not no backflips

they're right in the centre they might be the Power Rangers I think so anyway so one of them he was asking a girl out he was like oh my god

do you want to go out sometime and she was like oh well maybe I thought he was I thought he was watching porn it was filmed it was filmed in such a lo-fi way I walked in and I crapped myself I was like our son was watching porn. It was filmed. It was filmed in such a lo-fi way.

I walked in and I crapped myself. I was like, our son's watching porn? Like that single cam, steady, low grade kind of, you know, kids drama.

Just before the takeover. I was like, literally in a second, these two are going to start, he's going to have her out of that bin and I'm going to have to smash this telly up

and take Robin to church to get him, get him, what's it, get the possession taken him, get him, what's it, get the possession taken out, get him blessed. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Got some good news.

Yeah. Apparently we have been long listed for a national television award. Sorry, in the biz we'll call them the NTAs. NTAs, sorry. I've just seen on Twitter this morning, I haven't actually had any real,

what's the word oh yeah no one no one's got in touch with us to say it's just from Twitter TV company yeah no one even knows

but people on Twitter thank you thank you so much there is nice people out there and it's for it's um what's the category it's like interview

best interview show or something that's quite nice yeah that's amazing so um obviously I'm so sorry to ask don't find out the website

it'll be a lot easier it'll be yeah this is a big professional setup this will be a proper good website this so uh it would be absolutely awesome to get shortlisted for an nta if just don't worry because we're asking all this we do yeah we always ask it if you don't look if you can't be asked to vote don't worry about it but it would be absolutely amazing if you could go to oh www dot right no just don't do the nana grandma the www is taken as read you don't need to tell anyone that http colon slash slash www okay right but listen to me at what point in your life do people so now you're telling me that you absolutely don't need to put in www. You don't need to put in www.

Right. What if you don't have a Google search bar? What do you mean? Does Chrome do it? You just type it in at the top. So you just type it in. Yeah. Right.

Oh, God. Okay. I've learned that now. That's ick. It's saying the www is an ick. All right, then. Yeah. Yeah.

They're looking at you as an ick. Yeah. Do you know it's actually faster to say World Wide Web? Isn't that weird? Oh, my God, yeah. It's one of the only acronyms where WWW is longer than saying World Wide Web. Right, then. Well, I'll tell you what.

WorldWideWeb. No, neither. Do neither. NationalTVAwards.com. NationalTVAwards.com. Well, then why are you telling us to get the website? All I did was type in National Television Awards. I didn't tell you to get the website.

You went on that on your own. Sir Lenny Henry's getting a special recognition award. That was last year. Oh, that was last year. Fucking hell. Oh, it'll be revealed on the night. Who do you think's going to get it this year? Definitely not you or me.

Who's going to get it? Don't know. What if you're going to get it? I haven't done enough. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. If I ever get one, it'll be for putting up with you and your bullshit.

Great. We've never been though. We haven't been. So that's what I'm saying. one it'll be for putting up with you and your bullshit great so we've never been them we haven't been so that's what i'm saying so it would be totally amazing if as you're listening to this now you could just quickly on your phone go to national tv awards.com put www and if you want they know what they're doing they know what they do and go through skip all the other categories they don't matter straight hour one the interview one i'm joking and if you could vote for us would get shortlisted then if we get shortlisted you go to all the vote again but that doesn't matter because we get to go to the party on the night and you'll get more you know if martin freeman's there and then i got a

really cutting tweet by the way about someone saying thank god that martin freeman cut you off from saying i want to uh upgrade that handshake to a nod that nod to a handshake someone was like ick if you heard you say that it is pretty ickish to be fair ah well I was pissed oh see now already all I think about is what the hell

would I wear oh the stress the absolute stress do us a favour leave me out of it this time will you I've had to take so many parcels back

I'm not going alright we're not going but we'll get shortlisted that'll be nice we can do one of them little videos when we don't win so yes

that would be lovely if you could vote for that and thank you to the powers that be who long although i do have a feeling it's every single show on the telly it's time for what's your beef what's your beef with me what's your beef with you what's your beef with me? What's your beef with you? What's your beef with Thor? What's your beef with everyone? Yes. www.whatsyourbeef.co.uk slash underscore hyphen your life. Why are some things.com and why are some things.co.uk?

.co.uk is England.com is worldwide. So why is the national television's worldwide? It's only in the UK. Yeah, but you're going to... Well, I don't actually know that, I'll be honest with you. But.co.uk you can get. You started off so confidently as well.

Well, because.co.uk, I suppose, anchors the website in the UK and you're visiting a UK website from somewhere else, maybe. Do you know what it is? I don't know. I'm chrisramseycomedy.com and we're shagmanunoid.com

so I bloody don't know. Worldwide, baby. Look at that. We're like candy off air real housewives of Atlanta don't don't reference them again

shall we find out what the difference is yeah it's a good this can teach yeah time for Rosie teaches

it's time for Rosie teaches you some shit one see what the difference is between dot go dot UK dot com

this is exciting I'm gonna put my money on dear listener I'm gonna put my money on that halfway i'm gonna put my money on that halfway through the explanation she's gonna get bored and not want to say what it is go does.com and.code at uk make a difference for easy recognition and branding you would normally want to use one of these for uk businesses we would generally recommend using.code at uk

or.uk whereas if you are intending to trade overseas and don't want to be considered as primarily a uk company we would suggest that you pick a dot com worldwide baby shag my annoyed i was right coming coming to you in some way it's not coming anywhere it's not coming anywhere overseas someone said the other day go and do a gig in australia you can have a holiday that's not a holiday i know that's what i take the kids i was like no absolutely not again anyway my darling love yes what is your beef with right okay so we said last week that we've hardly been arguing and we haven't we haven't at all we've genuinely had a lovely time fell back in love again while we're

being in london no i mean i was well i was always in love again while we were being in London. No, it's true. I mean, I was, well, I was always in love with you. So you fell out of love with me and then back in love. No, like just got a bit, got a bit to see me, Chris. Do you know what I mean?

Wow. But we really fell back in love. It was lovely. Really nice. Being back home for a weekend. Screaming at each other. I can't look at you. You told me to be,

you said to me on the platform at the train station, I can't even look at you in your lovely way. Well, what was it that you said? You said something me on the platform at the train station i can't even look at you well what was it that you said you said something i can't even remember now this is how this is how we fight something it's really brutal but then it's forgotten about you what yeah you are like yeah i was like i can't look at you because you've just done me nothing all weekend but you are like arguing with dory from finding nemo because it'll be a massive blaring argument and then i know 10 20 minutes later it's gone. Yeah, I can't be bothered to hold a grudge.

But don't think that it means any less because in that moment I'm really angry. I've got a few. Which one should I do? Which one should I do? Do you want me to come in with mine and then you can pick which one you want? Because I was going to pick the one,

the thing that happened at home last night, but I'm not anymore. I'm going to pick something else that's been going on for a long time and I don't think I've ever had a go at you for it. Oh, great. Do you want me to go first? Then that engages going on for a long time and I don't think I've ever had a go at you for it oh great do you want me to go first then that engage you

on what you've been doing right okay yeah go on then you cannot eat a meal without spilling it on yourself and I'm fucking you've done that before sick of it have I done it before

probably you did it on the train oh right god what it doesn't affect you it does why because I'm the one

sitting next to bloody dinner medals over here the woman who looks like she should have a fucking nose bag and a massive napkin on. You tried eating a salad

with a fork. One fork. Just, you can't call it everything you eat you drop on yourself. Everything. Brushing your teeth,

drop on yourself. You just, put some more effort in, will you? I don't know why it happens, Chris. I don't know if I've got bad like coordination of my mouth's big.

What you are is, right, you slapdash, same as your mother, you slap and yeah and you don't take care or take time doing things get shit done though what happened the other day the other day you okay so this can this beef can hold this whole beef can be your slap dash the other day you were measuring in the bedroom for a sideboard you wanted a sideboard in the side and you somehow i don't know how you did it you sort of put the you put the tape measure i wasn't there but you put the tape measure in the corner then you tape you measured across and then you left the house and i went into the bedroom and i looked in the

corner before i left you didn't see anything you didn't see a thing and i went i went in i looked in the corner room and the tape measure was just on the floor in the corner of the room and i was like why she just left the tape measure there like Like, what the hell? It's sharp. The kids could hurt themselves with it. I went to pick it up. You'd somehow got the edge of the tape, the edge of the tape measure, the little metal bit,

stuck under the skirting board and I couldn't get it out. I know. Look at that, Chris. I tried for about five minutes. I've ripped a chunk out of the skirting board trying to get it out.

I couldn't get it out. But how do you and your mum do these things? I don't know. Slap, dash. That was one of them things where... Ham-fisted. No, it was like one of them things,

like a bottle, you can get it in, but you can't get it back out. Right. I got it in fine. It went in no bother. Right. Because I wanted to put it on

so I could measure. How precise do you need to be? Well, I just couldn't be arsed to hold it at the bottom. I thought it was sensible. There we go. But then it got stuck. It was in the corner. Couldn't be arsed. Couldn't be arsed to hold it at the bottom I thought it was sensible couldn't be arsed couldn't be arsed

so hopefully that's given you a gauge of how nasty it'd be to me well mine aren't that nasty ok stop asking if I'm ok in front of people right do it all the time ok

what's wrong with that just all the time. Okay. Yeah. And what's wrong with that? Just all the time, like at work. This is a work beef. Right. We'll be at work or we're doing an interview or something

and you're literally all the time like, you're right, you're right. And I'm like, stop fucking asking us if I'm all right. It's weird.

I think people think we're weird. You know when people are around when you're like, are you okay? And they're like, they must literally, the runners and people who are working on shows

must go home. They're made to be like, Chris and Rosie Ramsey are a bit fucking weird. Just they must literally the runners and people who are working on shows must go home they're made to be like Chris and Rosie Ramsey are a bit fucking weird just kept asking all the time if she was okay if they'd listened

to five minutes of this they'd know we're fucking weird possibly you're kidding us don't you just do it all the time and I'm like I've done nothing

to make you think that I'm not okay it's your face no you're like it's your face no it's you it's your face you're like a puppy

it's weird Chris it's your face no it's you all the time are you okay are you okay that's because you're sitting there like a puppy. It's weird, Chris. It's your face. No, it's you. Are you okay? Are you okay? That's because you sit there with a face like an arse and I'm like, I'm checking on my co-host. I'm checking on my partner.

No, I don't think you've got a filter in front of people. Yeah, I don't. You don't have any sort of filter and you just ask questions that people would probably wait until nobody was there. Right? So I would never ask you in front of people. I'd wait until it was somewhere else

and I'd be like, are you okay? Whereas you're literally ready to do an interview and get my mic on and you're like, are you okay? And I'm like, yes, I'm absolutely fine. I've done nothing to make you think I'm not. People must think I'm having some sort of breakdown. Well, yeah, but maybe it's all the whinging behind closed doors that you do

and then it spills out into the real world and I go, are you okay? Just keep it behind closed doors. Honestly, I'm your fucking, honestly, I'm your runner, I'm your skivvy, I'm your servant, I'm your therapist,

your fucking driver, your bag carrier, your punch bag. You can't fuck off. Get lost. Take that bag. I'm not that bad. Oh, sorry.

Are you okay? Oh, God. Oh, come on. Oh, hang on. You haven't got an audience today, Chris. No, there's people listening. Everyone, everyone, look intently at Rosie.

You okay? I've got to. It's so bad. I've got to. Because then I can see in people's eyes, looking at her, it's like, are you okay?

I'm like, I'm fine. It's really weird. Just stop doing it, please. Right, okay. It's really weird. I understand that might be a bit unprofessional. I apologize.

There's no joke coming out of it. I apologize. go never ask you again do you want hey everyone do you know what a beef's gonna be in a couple of weeks time i was distraught at that place and you didn't even ask me if i was okay it's like the bag thing you still try and do that what like i'm carrying my bags and you're like, do you want me to get your bag? And I'm like, no, I don't. Why have you got to carry all my bags? Because as a man walking through a train station

with a tiny, tiny little woman who's got like a massive case and I've got one case. I like carrying my own stuff. Yeah, but I pack sensibly. You pack like we're away for 10 years. So, like, you pack like you're going to spill coffee

on every pair of pants that you're wearing. Which you fucking do, let's be honest here. I know, I know. Pack like you're going to spill coffee on every pair of pants that you're wearing. Which you fucking do, let's be honest here. I know, I know. Pack like you're going to shit yourself. Yeah, so I have to... I've got, like, one bag, and you've got, like, two wheelie suitcases,

and I'm like, please let me carry them. I look like a prick. I know, you know, like, not trying to be sexist here, but it just looks like the bloke, I'm just walking along, sauntering, having a lovely time, and you're carrying all the stuff, and I'm like, ah, she carries it.

I'm the man. I don't like it. No, fair enough. I never thought about it like that. Yeah. Are you OK? Are you OK? Is everyone listening?

Are you OK? Is everyone OK? Am I OK? I don't even know if I'm OK. Is everyone OK? I haven't been OK for fucking years. Right. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisech No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

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Hi, guys. Something happened at work today and I immediately thought of how much Chris will find this disgusting. Oh, come on. Just as much as I have. So here goes. I love that you all think that I don't find things disgusting because I am in fact a little bit disgusting and I'm fine with that. Yeah, yeah. You literally, you've still got stuff on your shirt now. Chili sauce. Yeah, chili sauce

on your shirt. Yeah. It's actually gone. It hides it quite well the woman the woman opposite was quite horrified while she was eating yeah she was mortified it was awful yeah

because well I went to Marksies right and I got a salad and then it was it's just a bit of a rubbish salad it doesn't fill you up so then I got prawns with chili sauce

and I got the red peppers like the things and I think she was like you oh you had it all going on yeah and then you had it all over your top

and then I think it's. I think it's when you pulled up your top to lick it off that you really caught her eye. That was a half flash there. Like, you know, she can see the bottom

of your bra and you're just like licking chili sauce off your shirt on a train. It's not one, not a love. Yeah.

Ah, I enjoyed it. I work in an office and part of my job is to order and maintain the food and drink supplies for the workers

throughout the week that's gone I've never ever worked in an office where you get free stuff well we are currently sitting in our management

Avalon there's a cupboard just across from us it's the operations cupboard the power they've got to go in there and get the chocolates for the

there's loads of Lindt chocolate in there. There's Lindt chocolates, there's big massive slabs of Capri Sun. It's fucking amazing. But whenever we come here, we'll go for a meeting,

there's like fruit in that. It's lush. It's class, isn't it? Yeah, so someone in here, operations they're called, the department is called operations,

and they ain't thinking at all. And there's a fridge up the stairs, you can get a can of pop for nothing? Yeah. How you been? Oh yeah, well that's why you've got

so much luggage, it's always an empty suitcase to put all the cans of pop in that you steal from here, isn't it? Yeah. How you been? Oh yeah, well that's why you've got so much luggage. It's always an empty suitcase to put all the cans of pop in that you steal from here, isn't it? I've stopped having the Werther's. There's a Werther's

Originals jar when you come in. No. I was literally putting about 10 in my pocket remember before I was leaving. I was like, I need to stop doing that.

So bad. I just think it's cool. I think it's nice. One of these jobs is to order milk, fresh and long life of all different types. I think my last count

there were seven varieties. Oh my God. So like oat, soya, what else has been, almond milk, goat's milk. Rosie,

let's not, let's not, Rosie. From your mother's cheeks. There's loads of kind of milks. Yeah, there is, but we don't have to sit and name them. Do you want to try and name seven?

Okay. Right. Red lid. Green, red, blue. Yeah. Oat. Oat. Long life. Long seven? Okay. Right. Red lid. Green, red, blue. Yeah. Oat. Oat. Long life.

Long life. Ugh. Soy. Soy. Almond milk. Almond, done. Seven. That's it.

Coconut milk. Oh, hey. Hey. Oh, what? Is coconut milk milk? Yes. Of course it is. Yeah.

I don't know if it's milk. It is milk. I don't know if it's coconut. Is it milk? It's coconut milk. Yeah, but it's coconut milk, but it's more like water, isn't it? Have you ever cooked with coconut milk? So you cook with it.

There we go. You cook with normal milk, you dickhead. It's the absolute same consistency as milk. It gets thick. You put it in curries, didn't you? Yeah, but you could if you wanted to have a little bit of fruit in your tea. If you wanted your teaspoon standing to attention? You could.

Who's having the cup of custard? You could put coconut milk in. Anything else? Hazelnut milk? What? You can make hazelnuts in the milk. Probably all of the nuts, actually. Alright, well, we're here then. Dog milk? Fox milk?

Vegan milk? With nothing in? Almond milk and oat milk are vegan. Oh, of course they are. Oh, God. Fair enough. Well, I definitely think coconut milk is. Anyway. Okay.

Seven varieties. Anyway. Is what? What? What? Why don't you take a tin? Tin of coconut milk. It works. I can have a coffee, please, Derek. Do tin of coconut milk it works

I can have I'll have a coffee please Derek do you want coconut milk what do you want coconut milk

I'm opening this tin you got a tin opener I'm opening this tin of coconut milk in the office does anyone else want coconut milk

just me because I'm a fucking lunatic condensed milk again for cooking yeah not necessarily you can put

whatever you want in your tea or coffee right but my point is right if this was a quiz show and they said name as many as you can

your one your eight I did seven your eighth one of coconut milk wouldn't be allowed as a as a

office based to put in your coffees or your teas no fucker is putting coconut milk I don't know. By the way, honestly,

quiz shows. There was a tweet the other day from the 1% program. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck? What? I don't get it. I still don't get any of them.

The 1% is brilliant. What is it? So what's the, what's the, what's the question? What you got to find? Rosie, they're different all the time.

What do you mean, what's the question? No, what's the, what is, they're different all the time. What do you mean, what's the question? No, what is it? Well, in the 1% Club, I go, oh, hey, Gary, you got that question straight away. I watched the last episode. I watched that. It's only one question.

The whole series is one question. What's the 1%? What do you mean? What is the concept of the show? It's just loads of different questions, and they narrow it down, don't they? To the 1% of the answer? What's happening? What is the concept of the show? It's just loads of different questions and they narrow it down, don't they? To the 1% of the answer. What's happening?

What is the concept of the show? Have you watched the full episode? No, I've just seen it. I've just seen the question on Twitter. Just flick me head back. I'm not in the studio and I've just flicked me head back and smashed it off the wall.

Oh, fucking hell. Are you okay? I've got a cap on. You know what caps have got? A little button on the top. I hit the little button on the wall. Oh, it feels like someone just smashed us in the head with the end of a pool cue.

Oh, no. I haven't watched the whole thing. Okay. But I've watched... So the questions get increasingly harder. Right. And the gist I got of it was something like, it's this many percent of people can answer this,

or this many percent of people... I think. But I only watched the first few, and I really did enjoy the questions. I wouldn't let it do if I was there. The time limit's crazy. And Lee Mack's a fucking amazing host. But I think but I only watched the first few and I really did enjoy the questions I wouldn't let it do if I was there the time limit's crazy and Lee Mack's

fucking amazing host but I think it whittles it like the problem just watch a full episode and then tell us you don't get it don't just see 1% and then see a glimpse of it

and go well what's the question okay I just don't I just don't understand what the 1% is guys every producer

is it only 1% of people will be able to answer in the end have you got to be like a genius i think it gets i think it gets to one percent of the people that could have answered it i think i think i didn't want all i know is they got they got hard i was watching it and the questions got fucking good show the questions i'm not denying it's a good show these game shows i'm i'm the minority here these game shows have been about for years and they will be for another year like years and years but I find them really difficult

we touched on it on the TV show you don't understand the chase you don't understand that board on the chase do you when they're coming at you

and you're pointless you don't know what's going on in there do you not really it's fine though I'll just not go on them I did watch

Catchphrase the other day and I thought I'm going to give this a go because I have a couple of times. Oh, in the house you sat and had a drink. Oh, Chris. Chris.

They keep asking me to go on. I know. I can't go on because it's just... If you're listening, give up. Give up. I can't. I literally can't.

I can't answer them. I will be stood there going pen! Hand! He's crossing the road. I just... I can I just I can't I can't put myself through it

cartoon cartoon man animation telly I'm watching a telly button buzzer let's get back to this story

so sorry we really went off there sorry sorry so seven varieties of milk what usually happens in office kitchens there are multiple out of date milks

mouldy lunches left until they grow limbs and all staff members automatically gain amnesia when entering. So no one knows how to stack a dishwasher or remember who it was who left a sink full of filthy plates. Loving the passive aggression in here. Yeah, I hated doing dishes when I worked at Global Oval. Another habit they have is opening a brand new oat milk even when they are already four in the fridge. Oh no.

You would be that person. What? You would see that there was loads of milk in the fridge and they'd see a fresh one and you'd open the fresh one. You would.

You're such a dickhead. You would. I was just about to say that's terrible but anyone else doing that I'd kick off but I would be like I'm not having them used ones I'm having a new one yeah yeah today i sent around an email to let them know that i'll be

buying days of the week stickers so we can all keep tabs of when the long life needs to be thrown in the bin love this love this so popular in the office this way avoiding waste in my nostrils will hopefully no longer be offended when clearing out the backlogged milks every other week. I hope you get paid extra for this. Probably not. This makes sense, though, because you can be like opened on such and such a date. This is probably in play in a lot of places. Because you want to know, don't you?

Yeah. This message was sent to the entire company and I gained a response from one of management. They proceeded to tell me that they felt that the five days that the packaging states on long lifelife milk isn't really a guide and that they last so much longer. And she feels that they should be drunk in its entirety, no matter how old it is.

What? I thought, okay, that's a bit disgusting, but each to their own. I don't really like smelly, lumpy milk in my tea, but hey-ho, she might have a unique palate. I proceeded to read on where I read a sentence that actually makes my stomach churn. I'm even retching typing this. So,

long life milk, I found out the hard way that long life milk, the date on it, where it's like, you know, November.

Is that UTL? November 2030. You know, you can get the, you know the milk that's in the cartons in the supermarket, but it's on a shelf.

Yeah, not in a fridge. It lasts. And in the little cartons in hotels. it lasts fucking on a shelf yeah it's not in the fridge it lasts and in the little cartons in hotels yeah it lasts fucking to the date unless you open it so long life milk if you buy one of them cartons and it's like november 2030 you open it and it's got the same life as normal milk shut the front door yeah okay yeah well that kind of makes sense that's with everything yeah that's like a jar of pickles well i learned the hard way hard way. I had, because I used to do it so much

and I used to forget to get milk and I used to go, I'll just stick one of them in the fridge and it came out like cottage cheese. Oh, no. Slapping, slapping into me tea. Well, did you think it was just going to stay the same? Well, yeah, because it was long life milk.

I was like, oh, brilliant. But that's, so what, you're opening a tin of beans and you think, well, I'll just keep them in the back of the car for six months. I've never said I'm not an idiot. I learned.

I learned from my mistakes. What a moron. Wow. Just like we get a dig in. Okay, so there's more to hear. She goes on to admit that when everyone has gone home she pours all the long life milk into the fresh milk cartons. So no matter if they're a week

old, a couple of days old, or maybe even a couple of weeks old, because the people I work with are absolutely disgusting. She still proceeds to add them into the fresh milk. So when we have all been making our much-needed morning coffees or our lovely 3pm pick-me-up cuppa, we have no idea how

fresh our milk actually is that we're pouring. That is chemical warfare. Fair to say I'll be hiding and labelling my own milk from now on to spit my stomach from the three times mixed semi-skimmed milk. That's disgusting. That's not good, is it? That's really, really upset me.

Do you know what you should do? You should do what students do. So when I used to tour and do all the student unions and that back in the day when I was first starting stand-up, I remember driving in, I think it was Keele Uni, and you go past all of the halls. Yeah. And they've all got carrier bags hanging outside of their windows,

and it's their milk. Sure. It's their milk from their door. So they've got milk in their room, or they've maybe got bottles of water or something, or even cans of lager or whatever, and they've got them hanging on bags outside in the winter because it's like a fridge outside. That's brilliant.

So you don't have to have a fridge in your room. Right, nice. This person needs to do that. Yeah, that's like party beers in the winter because it's like a fridge outside. That's brilliant. So you don't have to have a fridge in your room. Right. Nice. This person needs to do that. Yeah. That's like party beers. Yeah. In the winter.

Yep. Christmas. Have it outside the office window. Have you got any beer, Rosie? Yes. It's outside the back door. It's on the back step. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Wow. I love that. There you go. Hi all. Hope you're doing well. Yeah. Great.

Thank you. Please keep me anonymous. Always. I was just listening to episode 203, where Rosie talks about being nervous to get a full body massage, about what they might do, and it reminded me of a story. When did I say that? I can't remember.

Don't know, but I remember saying that. Is it when they get really close to your vag and that, and I'm like... Well, I remember saying if they touch my feet and I haven't given them a warning. Oh, yeah. I'll take their face off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I first moved to the UK, I got booked in for a full body massage and showed up on the day in question. Everything was going fine until the masseuse moved down to my lower back and lowered the towel below the belt a bit. And all of a sudden, I felt distinct picking in the top of my butt crack,

to which I said excuse me please avoid that area to which the woman replied oh sorry love you've got some hair stuck. I had a very long blonde hair at the time apparently when I took a shower that morning some of the hair I shared had gotten stuck in a butt crack. I was mortified and safe to say, never got another massage there again. Oh, why is she just... Why?

Why is she taking hair out of her ass crack? Why is she picking hair? I don't know. Sorry, love. Your arsehole hair's matted. I'm just going to comb it out for you. Bend over. That does happen, though.

You can get it stuck from your hair. From your hair. So your hair on your head can go down your back and get into your arse crack. Yeah. God, aren't women... You don't have long hair, do you?

Aren't women disgusting? I've said it before and I've said it again. Aren't women disgusting? Do you know what you lot do? Do you know what women do? Oh, this is nice, isn't it? This is picking up with the times, isn't it? You know what you women do?

You know what you bloody... You lot do, right? How are you then? Tell us. You put a very good display on to the rest of the world that you're that

elegant and beautiful and incredible and gorgeous and perfect and then the whole time you've got matted hair hanging out your arm I don't know

who's putting that display on I'm joking certainly not me you know what I mean once you're behind the curtain babadoo babadoo

babadoo bah hi Rosie and Chris I was listening to episode 209 the episode with the sex workers boot full of Mars bars do you remember that? Yes, car boot not foot boot for anyone listening Huh?

Car boot not foot boot Oh yeah, yeah, yeah and it reminded me of a story So I've been a mechanic for around 10 years and over the years I have seen a lot of strange and disgusting things in people's cars but this was probably the most disgusting. Exciting.

So a young lady aged 23-ish. That's quite specific. Great. Not early 20s, not mid 20s. 23-ish. 23-ish. Came in. 23 and a half.

Yeah, about that. Came in complaining of a horrendous smell coming from the car. When we went out to the car, the smell hit as soon as the door was opened. We got in the workshop and started looking. During the search, we had to get permission to go through the bags and boxes of belongings the customer had in the car due to the boot being completely full. Well, there we go then. It's one of the...

Eh? What an idiot. What you talking about? I don't know about I don't know I don't know Chris why are people the way that they are do you know what I mean

car stinks by the way what is it must be mechanical or is it not some of the shit you've left in here by the way no it can't be that must be the engine brilliant

so fucking and the arrogance the arrogance do you know what I was thinking about the other day that's up there with you know when you got that abscess in your mouth last

and it obviously smelled like horse shit and you and your head was like, this dentist breath stinks. And it was just, it was you. It was you. I think about that loads. Some people are so like. That was on my part, that was extreme arrogance. Like to the point where I was gagging, I was like, his breath is so,

and he had a mask on it was your fucking abscess I know it was Chris but I didn't realise you arrogant friend I didn't realise it was going to smell that bad it was

it was putrid and now I was genuinely like fuck me this how has no one told this dentist that he's got halitosis

what a hypocrite this fucking tell him eat the floss you piece of shit. You smell like a fucking kebab shop floor. So bad. Right, okay. So the boot is completely full.

Honestly, it was like she was living out of the car. More clothes and shoes in the boot than I have in the house. Oh, man alive. After emptying the full boot, we narrowed the smell down to a box. With the customer's permission, we had a look inside. In the box, we found mostly toiletries and beauty care products, apart from one small drawstring bag. Do you want to guess what it is?

One small drawstring bag. What could be in it? It's not one of them douche things is it that people put up their vaginas their drawstring aren't they no it's in a drawstring bag right

what are you talking about don't know it's in a drawstring bag and it's in with toiletries I can't be this podcast sometimes I catch myself I catch like an

out of body experience and the exact words on my podcast, my main job, the exact words I was just about to say is, it can't be shit because it would have went through the holes in the drawstring bag. As if that's my job.

You love it though, don't you? And it stunk. Oh, I really don't know. Dentures. Is that what you're going with? Something teeth related. Loads of dental floss. I don't know. Okay, like something teeth related loads of dental floss okay i don't know okay you're wrong great we had a look inside and found a used vibrating egg my word my word now you might be wondering how we knew it was used well we pulled it out of the bag to find dried white

residue on the egg oh this led to a very awkward conversation for oh she's there oh this led to a very awkward conversation for everyone involved safe to say we never saw the lady again and still laugh about it at this day sorry sorry how smell is your fanny juice if you're having to take a car to the fucking mechanics how a man is she for real? Is she actually insane? But is that what smells? Really? Could it be that potent, though?

I don't know. Surely. The entire car's stinking. It's under loads of stuff. Wow. Why is she talking to the mechanic? Tidy it out. In what part of your brain goes,

this is definitely mechanical and not all of this shit I'm hoard holding in this car what the way i see it right is that she's drove people around she might do a car share and they're like that's the engine it's fishy yeah they go they do smell you know they do yeah they do i'm gonna take it i'm gonna take it you're totally right because i was i was gonna call bullshit on this i was gonna call bullshit but you're totally right. Someone has said to her, that smells like,

oh, this happened to me, dad's car or whatever. It was the catalytic converter. It was this. It was that. Oh, great. I'll tell you. Yeah, go through the boxes.

Yeah, of course, go through the boxes. Oh, by the way, it's your smelly, putrid, old, used, dirty love egg. How do you forget where your love egg is?

How many have you got? I love the idea that she's just like, oh, I've been looking for that for ages. Yeah. Thank God. Hate her.

Hate her. Hate her. Horrible. Keep your toys clean. Keep them in the house. Doesn't take much. What are you travelling around with your communal love out for?

Oh, listen, I'm not judging anyone where they keep it like. Keep it wherever you want, but just give it a wipe. Just a little wet wipe. Also, if you're driving around with an absolute shit load of stuff in your car

your fuel consumption is going to be much higher because it's heavy yeah I always remember when I was again I've talked about gigs three times in a row here

but I remember when I was driving around doing the circuit and stuff and I had golf clubs in the back of my car and a comedian I was giving the comedian

a lift home and he went oh can I put my bag in the back and he went there's golf clubs in here and I went yeah and he went

it's going to be costing you a fortune in petrol you idiot and I was like oh, can I put my bag in the bag and open the boot and he went, there's golf clubs in here and I went, yeah, and he went, it's going to be costing you a fortune in petrol, you idiot. And I was like, oh my God, you're right. Well, isn't it the same if you have the windows open or something?

I don't know about the windows open. I think if you're blaring, yeah, if you're blaring along the resistance. Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah. This is all things that you learn. But it's like having another,

having golf clubs, it's like having another person in your car. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back. This is a story that I don't know if you're don't know if

you're going to find this funny i think it's like a woman thing okay well that's fine we've got male and female listeners yeah yeah probably more female than male it's it's just i don't know i'll read you the story but it's just a group of friends have named like loads of their random friends shagging partners if that makes They give them all nicknames. Oh, wonderful. And it just made us chuckle. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you don't need

a preamble. It's not that disgusting or anything. I just found it quite funny. Because, I don't know, yous probably do this, lads probably do this, but girls will, like,

love a nickname. Love a nickname. Like a degraded and piss-taked nickname. Kind of, yeah. Men would never do that about women. Really?

We would never, ever give any woman that our friends are... Men don't tell their friends anything about women that they're having sex with. Is that true? Be honest here. 100%. Keep it completely quiet. We don't tell anyone. Be honest here, because actually, you don't do any gossiping.

Every time you come in from a night out, I'm like, any gossip? And you're like, oh, no. Yeah, I know. Shit. Oh, that's shit. I was trying to sort of be a bit facetious and a bit silly there. Just talk about it.

We don't actually give as much detail as you lot do. It'll be like, you all right? Did you see that last night? Yeah. Sugar. Aye. Nice one. Is that it?

End of gossip. Is that it? Yeah. Yeah, basically. Unless something really weird happens do i mean unless like you know i was in a car and it fucking stank just taking the mechanics tomorrow p.s you can't find a love egg like like unless it was something really weird right okay yeah it's just yeah yeah you're totally yeah so nicknames would have to be it would be something catastrophic

would have to happen I'm generalising if you're listening to this and you're a bloke and you think he's totally wrong please email in but I'm generalising to the point where me and my mates literally like chugger nice one

honestly how shit it's been a long time since any of my mates were shagging anyone it might be me and my mates as well I mean yeah we don't

that's fine that's fine that's nice don't worry about it hi Ramses a few years ago two of my best friends and I all lived together

in a rented house as we were all single early slash mid 20 year old slags in a fairly small town we came up with a plan of who we were allowed to match with on plenty of fish slash tinder how old were they sorry 20s early slash mid 20s in a fairly small town, we came up with a plan of who we were allowed to match with on Plenty of Fish

slash Tinder. How old were they, sorry? Twenties. Early slash mid-twenties. 23-ish. That sounds like 23-ish. About 23, yeah. 23-ish.

And subsequently dated to avoid any overlaps. Got you. Oh, shit, the bed. Oh, my God. Does happen, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We each picked

two types of men that the other girls were not allowed to go near without permission from the owner of that type. I forgot about this part of the email. So, hold on. Read that part again. You'll understand when I go on here. So, they've all basically decided...

What kind of types they're going to have. So, like Pokemon. A bit like Pokemon, yeah. So, you've got water type. You've got earth type. You've got fire type. I'll tell you now. I chose military men and rugby players one of them chose and band slash music guys and this other friend chose tradesmen and cowboys oh clever tradesman and cowboy yeah you didn't want a cowboy what was the first one military men and rugby players wow i can just imagine her on a night

out just going over to some military guy just running around false alarm he's a surface just in fancy dress yeah he's yours rachel okay he's just in fancy dress. Yeah, he's yours, Rachel. Okay, this is fantastic. Hands off. So the military men and rugby players, fair enough. Surfers and music dudes, band dudes, fair enough. They're from the South West. Tradesmen and cowboys.

How's cow... As in cowboy builders or actual cowboys? I think cowboys, but she's not going to find a cowboy in the South West of England. Does she mean... Well, South West, but she's not going to find a cowboy in the southwest of England. Does she mean, well, southwest? Does she mean farmers? Maybe. Maybe. Anyway, we'll crack on.

There are plenty of stories of how some of these days dates panned out and what happened when we trod on each other's territory. However, those are for another time. Fantastic. It's like Gangs of New York. I love it. Once we had met a guy we liked, we would occasionally end up inviting them back to the house for the inevitable booking. Occasionally.

Good for him. It was rare we would go out on dates the same evenings due to work schedules, etc. So more often than not, the other two friends would be home slash in bed when the date E would return with one of the boys. It became quite confusing to try and remember who was who just by name so we gave a few of the boys nicknames so we could remember them here are a few of our favorites i just like the idea who's booking tonight oh i don't know oh just have a look in the porch what's there oh there's a there's a pair of stirrups and a surfboard, a guitar, there's a tool belt, there's an AK-47,

and a gum shield. Oh, everyone's booking. Everyone's booking. The houses are rocking, don't come a-knocking. So do you want to hear some of the names? Yeah. Right, first one.

No-skill Scotty. What a burn. The one who insisted during the chatting stages he had many sexual skills. Alas, he did not. Next one. The angry bumblebee. The one who had a very deep speaking voice who to the other girls through the thin wall sounded like an angry bee buzzing while having a conversation.

This next one yeah fantastic nice courtly self-explanatory nice courtly busy busy day that losses was it oh who's that leave? He's a nice coat. I just call him Nice Coat Lee. I've got loads of coursework to do. The cuddler. Fucking hell, he sounds like a killer. One who the other girls did meet during a film and takeaway night. He spent the whole evening with us all in the living room with his arm around me so tight

I thought my head was going to pop off. The cuddler. The cuddler. I thought my head was going to pop off the coddler this one the coddler this one is so specific sorry Rosie you're not letting us digest these

because there's a lot of them the coddler this is very specific right spoon face Ronan Keaton it's him

can I guess can I guess go on like Ronan Keaton you're never gonna no you're not gonna guess I was just gonna on like Ronan Keaton you're never gonna no you're not gonna guess I was just gonna say like Ronan Keaton

if he was reflected in the back of a spoon oh my god yes of course I fucking guessed it this guy he had one specific photo on his profile that looked exactly

like Ronan Keaton looking into the back of a spoon next one Spiderman very helpfully caught and disposed of around eight crane flies Next one. Spider-Man. Very helpfully caught and disposed of around eight crane flies that let themselves in with him while the three of us locked ourselves in a bedroom.

Scream. He saves them and they call him Spider-Man. Next one. Sick dick. Oh, no. The one who got his penis vomited on mid-blowy. And in brackets she said, not by me. So that was by one of the other ones.

Sick dick. Rapey Marcus. For fuck's sake. Instigated sex far too quickly and was asked to swiftly leave. Also had a weird face in person there's another one um fit steve again self-explanatory so so fit so so fit steve fit steve uh the shark had spiky hair like a fin and a pointy nose like a great white oh and that's it I'm sure there are plenty more

but those are the first that spring to mind can't wait to see you in Nottingham in December oh my god oh god they're going to be

in Nottingham in December that's exciting oh god yeah what was your favourite if you had to pick one if I had to pick one what's your favourite I think If you had to pick one. If I had to pick one.

What's your favourite? I think I'd have to pick. Let me have another little look. I think I'd have to pick Spoonface Ronan Keaton. Spoonface Ronan Keaton is very good. I like the guy with the nice coat. Because it's very simple. Nice coat, eh?

Very simple. I feel for Sick Dick, because that wasn't his fault. And it must have been a horrible experience. Has anyone ever vomited on your dick? There's a question. What a question. Thank you for being with me all my life. Yeah, I've never asked you.

We've talked about it a lot. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, no. I mean, all the great interviewers ask people this. No, no one has ever vomited on my penis thank you for getting that out of the way been wanting to clear the air on that for years I've never vomited

on anyone's penis either congratulations thank you good god it's nice to go into a marriage yeah knowing everything

10 years in what was my other favourite one I do like Spider-Man because I got a full picture of the night there so he came in the flies came in they all ran away

and he got disposed of them and then they're like right you're Spider-Man? Because I got a full picture of the night there. So he came in, the flies came in, they all ran away and he got disposed of them. And then they're like, right, you're Spider-Man. Hi Rosie and Chris. I think I might have the perfect story for Rosie's Mysteries. I've had friends and family tell me to send it in, so here we go. Nice. I recently bought my first flat and after moving in, found that the previous

owners had left behind a big Yankee candle in the kitchen. Upon further inspection, the candle appeared to have only been burnt a few times. Perfect, I thought. I'll keep a hold of that. Wouldn't want it going to waste. Why would you? It's a perfectly good candle.

Well, on this podcast, I'm suspicious. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I light the candle and carry on with my day. I left the candle burning for a good few hours and when I eventually went over to blow it out, noticed something strange in the wax. I thought to myself no, surely not.

Surely that's not. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. So they've put something in the wax. So what have they done? Have they remade the candle? Happy new house. Oh, have they remade?

Oh no. So it's melted down. And they've put something in the candle. And when it's melted down she can see. But it was a Yankee candle so she hasn't bought

this isn't something that Yankees sell. No, God no. candle but it was a Yankee candle so she hasn't bought this isn't something that Yankee sell no god no so they've used the Yankee candle holder and they've made their own

candle with something in it so they're probably no I don't know Chris I don't know how they've done it it's obviously going to be manky

it's something awful I'm going to go dildo it's this podcast I'm going to go dildo a plastic knob

off okay I thought to myself noildo. It's this podcast. I'm going to go dildo a plastic knob off. Okay. I thought to myself, no, surely not. Surely that's not toenails. Oh! What the hell?

Oh! They've clipped the toenails and they've dipped them, they've dropped them in the wax and it's solidified. They submerged in the now-melted wax was a significant number of toenail clitons.

Significant. There was enough to suggest that the previous owners had discarded their toenails into this candle on more than one occasion. My soul immediately left my body and all I could think about was the manky toenail fumes I'd been breathing in all day. Toenail fumes.

The candle was swiftly thrown in the bin and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at a youngie candle the same way ever again. That is fucking puke. Bad crap that is. That's so bad. That to me, that's a partner. Probably the bloke, let's not lie.

Who's been doing that on this live. I can't even remember. And never told anyone. Yeah, I can't even defend anyone there, that's blatantly the man. Oh God. She was breathing in toenail fumes. It's not just that. It's just how monkey put them in there and then it's melted and you

just see them all. It was a bloke who was stupid enough to think, oh, that'll melt them. They'll just melt in there. It's like, do you think? Yeah. Oh, they'll melt in there. Oh, yeah, they were gone. Oh. Oh, they just come on straight right, come on up again. Oh, man. Hilarious. Oh. That's really made me feel a bit ill. oh yeah they were gone oh oh they just come on straight right come on up again oh man hilarious oh that's really made me

sorry feel a bit ill I'm so sorry I thought they'd like remade it like a manky candle with like a plastic knob or something

no just tie the toenails in oh see happy new home I'd have had more respect for the first one babadoo babadoo babadoo bah

doo doo doo doo doo thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mild and Oid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you so much. Please continue to watch the Christmas and Wednesday Ramsey Show on iPlayer. That'll be lovely. It's on again Friday night, 10.40, BBC One. Please vote for one of the longest of the NT years,

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