Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 22. Push the button

Episode Date: July 12, 2019

This week on the podcast double dipping returns, Rosie brings some serious beef and there's a surprising personal grooming question. And as an additional treat, Chris has a little test for Rosie. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Married, Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey, who just now has officially lost the plot, but all will be revealed in this week's beef, which was a different beef, but now it's a brand new beef. Fantastic. Look forward to that. Can't wait. Excellent. So this is episode 22, guys. Thank you so much for listening. And obviously, before we we start a quick word from this week's lucrative sponsor make it quick

it's not lucrative it's not real millions still haven't got one millions raging this week's sponsor is shelves

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Hello and welcome back. This is, yes, episode 22. A bit of a strange one this week because we have a poorly little boy in bed and we literally have a time frame of about three hours over two separate days to record this podcast because we have shocking child care this week. Shocking child care. If you're listening, which I know one of you is and the other two aren't, mom and dad who don't even listen to the podcast. My dad generally asked us what it was called again the other day. That was fun. My mom and dad have just pissed off. And my dad. Oh, yeah.

Your dad's that bad. I forgot about him. My mom and dad pissed off on a cruise, which is selfish. So they're on a cruise which is selfish so they're on a cruise hoping that sinks my mum is gardening with her friend which is ridiculous

and my dad is at work yeah selfish unbelievable so Robin's upstairs not well bless him he's got like he's got a little bug

and it's giving him like wind and he doesn't he can't get rid of it bless him I know and he's been vomiting and now I've got the fear that I'm gonna to get it.

So I've literally washed my hands about 1,700 times today. Wonderful. Should I not have come in and licked all his toys? Oh, but that's what I do. That's what I do when I get home. That's how you get hungry, isn't it? That's how I get back in the house. That's how I mark my territory when I come back in.

Should I not have done that? Oh, I'm going to get ill. I don't know it's really bad I've literally left him put him to bed at half five so I'm terrified he's going to get up

at four o'clock in the morning but I've just left him upstairs in bed with the ball next to him and I'm kind of just hoping that he'd just be

sick in the ball this is terrible social services listen to this he's gone well no I googled it he can't choke because they've got

really good the refluxes are good enough he's three and a half he's not like a it he can't choke yeah because they've got really good they've got the refluxes are good enough when he's three and a half he's not like a baby he can't physically choke alright because he's not drunk or anything

is he not not tonight handle his drink I've been putting it away the day he's not even drunk wow but er

terrible the only thing I'm thinking is he's in our bed yeah sheets are going to be lifting yeah he's vomited on me jumper just before.

The joys of parenting. Great, isn't it? Brilliant. So that's nice. That's what we're up to. But we're just going to get this done because we didn't want to miss a week, did we? Obviously, if something really terrible happened, then we couldn't. It's always the fear in it, missing a week.

I don't know what would happen. I think everyone would just go, no podcast this week. And we'll go, no. And then there'd be another one next week but you know guys we know that you're enjoying it so we're trying to trying to just uh keep you out i mean it's mainly for us i just want to check the podcast charts every week and just know that it's there yeah if it drops down out of the top 10 i think i'll cry yeah it's nothing to do you guys it's all to do with us selfish selfish so what you've been up to other than nursing a poorly child?

Rosemary. I have been... Oh my goodness. I went to see Celine Dion at Hyde Park. Oh yeah. And the tickets were free. Galavantin. Which was amazing.

Unbelievable. Yes. Thank you so much. Sony Music gives them... Gee whiz. Which is crazy. Heidi. And I know she's listening.

Thank you. Yeah. Thanks, Heidi. Apparently, Rosie said she got there. which is crazy Heidi and I know she's listening thank you yeah thanks Heidi apparently Rosie said she got there and Rosie got the tickets because apparently Heidi you're a big fan of the podcast don't know if you'd noticed there's two people on this podcast Heidi but thanks

for giving me wife tickets to her favourite artist yeah took my sister had a lovely time great yeah took her sister yeah you know you know Kate Kate who who does Shagmite

oh no hold on that's Chris you didn't want you said you didn't want to come because I don't want to go and see Celine Dion because she's not my favourite thing alright then well

shut your face right well all I'm saying is Sony Music right I'm going on your website Heidi I'm seeing who you represent I'll be expecting a phone call or an email

that's a good idea actually can we do that do you think that could Heidi Heidi I'm totally joking thank you for getting rid of Rosie for the weekend it was awesome I'd be expecting a phone call or an email. That's a good idea actually. Could we do that? Do you think that could... Heidi? Heidi, I'm totally joking. Thank you for getting rid of Rosie for the weekend. It was awesome.

I went to a surprise 60th party. Yeah, you did. And I got steaming drunk. Yeah, you did. And I was sick the next day. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I had to push the button. I had to push that button.

You are encroaching on some of my beefs, Christopher. If you don't know what pushing the button is, by the way, for everyone listening, it's when you wake up really hungover and you think, I'm probably going to be sick. Will being sick make me feel better? Get them two fingers, push that button. I've never done that in my life.

Right at the back of your mouth. Plug-unk. Do it when you're over the toilet because if you push that button on the way... Would you stop soon? It's an early push. Did it make you feel better? No.

It made me feel... I had to go back to bed. It was horrible. What was really funny, my friend's mom, whose surprised 60th it was the dad had took an amazingly ridiculous um sort of lie he made this ridiculous lie to kind of throw her off the scent of the surprise party so he told his wife he was like right look friday night we're going to an engagement party yeah which was the surprise party that she didn't know it was like you're going to get your party and to throw

off the scent that she was having a surprise party on the friday night he also told her that we're going on holiday the next day no it was just to throw her off the scent she fucking packed and everything you are joking i swear to god so i was like he was like it's all right i've sorted it she uh thinks she's gone on holiday tomorrow so i've thrown off to god so I was like it's alright I've sorted it she thinks she's going on holiday tomorrow so I've thrown off

the send and I was like but she's not going on holiday I was like no she's not this isn't a surprise that's the worst

surprise ever it's like an anti-surprise that's so I'd rather have a holiday well of course yeah so imagine I mean worst case

no I should have turned up oh it's a surprise oh it's not an engagement eh no it's a surprise party for me. Oh, well, I can't drink too much because I'm going on a holiday tomorrow. About that.

Yeah. No, you're not. Sorry, Karen. It's not happening. Thankfully, though, bless her, she had the surprise and she said almost immediately, she went,

so I guess I'm not going on a holiday tomorrow, am I? Oh, well, that's good. It worked out really well. But what a buffoon. Bless her. While we're talking about that, actually, just quickly, if you ever do a surprise party for me, not that you would, but this is just, I've been meaning to tell you this for years, right?

Great. If you ever do, make sure you tell us that it's something really good and that I dress nice. Okay. That's my nightmare. Right. Or what, like you turn up at your surprise party? Well, I just think

right if I knew I've never really had a birthday party for myself or anything the biggest party I've had is me wedding sorry

sorry did you hear that guys did you hear that guys eh did you hear that eh you know what that is that's bloody

that's Heidi's patter rubbing off on you you're the only one aren't you eh that marriage that was the day Rosie got married to Rosie.

I actually said the biggest date I've ever had was my wedding. My party. The biggest party I ever had was my wedding. So, Shoshik,

would you keep your... The pain is in bed. Vomiting. Would you please keep your voice down? Sorry, Mother of the Year. I don't want to piss off to see Celine Dion again. Stop.

So, my biggest fear is that I'll turn up Dion again stop so my my biggest fear is that I'll turn up at my surprise party yeah dressed like shit

because I thought it was just some two bit engagement party fantastic right no I'll wait man no no

if you told me oh it's such and such as engagement party I'd be like alright cool okay oh well I'll just I'll wear that dress I wore for that wedding then and oh I'll just i'll wear that dress i wore for

that wedding then and oh i'll just i'll i'll just hide my hair up because um you know i'll just be sitting in the corner getting pissed got you no you've got to make you'll have to be like right rosie we're going to like the royal variety right but it's in shields and um yeah i booked you to get your hair done like you'll have to tell us that it's something really really huge okay okay now i'm gonna go the other way. What I'm going to do is, right, I'm going to have it in, I'm going to rent out a full restaurant

or like a takeaway, like Indian takeaway. I'm going to rent out a full one. Tables are on the side. Get the whole place done. I'm going to spend tens of thousands on it. The whole thing. And it's shut for the day.

It's going to be massive, amazing. Might knock it through to the next one. Everyone's going to be there. Beautiful Ocean Road, Indian sort of buffet and everything, right? But shut for the day it's going to be massive amazing might knock it through to the next one everyone's going to be there beautiful ocean road Indian sort of buffet and everything but I'm actually just going to say to you Rosie will you

will you nip and pick the takeaway up please so that you drive down in your pyjamas and you walk in and everyone you've ever met's there and it's been like

it's been like a million pound refurbishment oh no oh it'll be great that's it that's don't you'll have that cap on that makes your face look tiny. That cap you sometimes wear on Instagram

that makes it look like you've got a pea head. Oh, it'll be great. And I'll be there in a tux going, honestly, she just doesn't put the effort in anymore. Do you see what I live with? Please don't do that. Don't, because you would. That's not funny.

I would be really upset. And I'm not even that vain. Like, I'm not, you know I'm not a massively vain person. Actually, no. I would just hate to turn up and look like shit. I've changed my mind. It'll be a summer garden party in our garden. I love them.

But I'll send you out to water the hanger baskets. Right, in me socks and me flip flops. Your socks and flip flops. Perfect. Perfect. Yeah. I locked the door. It was Pim's.

Everyone's in summer dresses you're in your flip flops in me lounge pants with a hose okay it's time for what's your beef what's your beef

what's your beef what's your beef beef beef beef I genuinely feel a little bit sick do you really just to let you know oh god

I've got the bug I've got the virus oh she's got it what's your beef? Ladies first. Okay, right. Well, I mean, I did have a different beef. Good.

But I have erased that beef until next week because you have literally just got home about half an hour ago. I bought a soap dispenser from Home Bargains yesterday to get Robin to wash his hands more often. Yeah. And when you go next to it, a soap dispenser from Home Bargains yesterday. Stop showing off. To get Robin to wash his hands more often. Yeah. And when you go next to it,

it's motion sensor, it plays Baby Shark. Yeah. It's been there since yesterday. You haven't seen it. You've only just seen it now. Yeah. You walk past the bathroom

and it went off because it like picks up on the walking and stuff, okay? Yes. You went into the bathroom. Yeah. And you smashed it. You smashed it.

I couldn't work out how to make it stop, and I was confused, and it was a new thing in my house that I'd never seen. Basically, this was the human version of, you know, them videos on the internet where they put a cucumber behind a cat, and the cat turns around and goes, fuck that! It was like that.

Why would you smash it? Right. Why wouldn't you just wait until I came downstairs? Because I was on my way downstairs. Why wouldn't you wait until I came downstairs and go, Rosie, this won't go off. How does it work? What happened?

You've literally smashed the top of it and took the batteries out like a raven lunatic. In my defence, it was plain baby shark. Okay, yes, it's very annoying yeah but chris why would you just break it that is that is so fucked up yeah that you just took it apart dismantled it and you couldn't wait 30 seconds until i came downstairs no no you do not get to speak because this is the worst thing you've ever done. It's the worst thing I've ever done. It is. It was about a quid.

I'm sorry, but no, it's not the principle of how much it is, right? It's the fact that you just thought that you could just smash it. Right. Can I now defend myself, please? There's no coming back from this for me. Also, you won't listen at all, right? This is what happened. You can try.

Go. So, we were upstairs in bed there with Robin, making sure he's all right, rubbing his little back, and you said, look, let's just go and get all the podcast equipment out. Let's get it done. I went, right, no problems.

I came down. I sort of got the stuff, kind of got ready to take it through, and I walked past the bathroom, and it went, and I went, and I'm like, what the hell is this? I didn't know what it was.

So, I walked back down the corridor and into the bathroom, and I picked it up, and I thought, why is this doing this? Right? And then it went, baby, and I was going, baby, baby, baby. And it kept clicking. I'm going, what the hell is going on? So one, I'm thinking, what the fuck is this? Two, I'm thinking, I can't shout up to her or take it up there

because Robin's asleep and he's going to wake up. Three, I'm thinking thinking I didn't know you were on your way down and three I'm thinking we have got to record a podcast we can't record a podcast with this sensitive equipment

that you know that we've got in this room in the next room so I'm holding it and it's going and I just tapped it I just tapped it

listen to me I swear I just tapped look it's not my fault I've got sweet sweet muscles right I tapped it I tapped it on the windowsill and it stopped listen to me i swear i just tapped look it's not my fault i've got sweet sweet muscles right i tapped it on the windowsill and it stopped and i went oh great and i put it down and it went and i tapped it again and it went and i tapped it again and the lid came off now listen the lid like

the top bit of the thing came off and i thought okay and i honestly went to grab one of the batteries there's three little tiny pen like penny battery things in i went to pull one of the batteries there's three little tiny pen like penny battery things in I went to pull one of them out all of them came out the wires came out nah that was that

nah I can't you are a lying piece of shit I can't even look at you I can't even you've defaced that I swear to god

I'm sorry but that is shocking right the top bit came off with the little speaker and the thing in right does it still dispense soap?

Yes. Nobody doesn't sing Baby Shark anymore. I'll stand next to it and I'll sing Baby Shark when I'm thingy it. You honestly, you're going to hell, you mate.

I can fix it. I'm going to hell for that. Unbelievable. You're a liar. What I've just said is 100% true. Vandalism. I'm a vandalism, am I?

Yes. I'm a vandalism. You are. If vandalism had a picture next to it in the dictionary, it would be a picture of you. Good, good. Yeah, set things to think when you were little, did you?

Hey, little shit. Set things to think. I'm a vandalism. Set things to think. And earlier you said it's not the principle of how much it costs, which was the two things we're out about. Tell you what, next time you're in home bargains, don't buy shitty little things that dispense fucking soap and sing songs.

Why don't you buy yourself a dictionary so you know what the fuck you're talking about? I'm really tired I did not sleep well last night we haven't even hugged you've been in for half an hour we've been in for half an hour we haven't hugged

we haven't said hello and you've broke my new soap thing I'm doing a podcast literally this is the first fucking conversation we've had today

yeah we're having a fight I'm swearing a lot I'm gonna have to stop swearing we're literally having an argument I'm getting excited I need a glass of wine

don't we all don't we all what's your beef I think you should skip the beefs this week because I feel that you've you've really upset because I feel that you're really upset. I can't believe

you're so upset. I can't believe I've married a murderer. Listen, warn me if you're going to buy something that dispenses music when I'm walking around

the house on my own, right? I've been watching Stranger Things, I've watched stuff that's frightening on the telly and I'm walking around and I hear a child in the fucking,

I keep swearing, I hear a child in the fucking... I keep swearing. I hear a child in the bathroom singing Baby Shark and I don't know what it is. And I tapped it a bit too hard because I was frightened. Do you want the truth? Eh?

You happy now? I was a little bit scared. I thought I was going to do it and you were going to go, no, that doesn't make any noise. Chris, what's wrong with you? You're digging a bigger hole for yourself. Right?

What's your beef? My beef with you. Asshole. Wow. My beef with you this week. Yeah bigger hole for yourself right what's your beef my beef with you wow my beef with you this week yeah yeah yeah what rosemary no ramsay if instagram is true um you have been doing this for a long time oh what's that uh and and i noticed it the other day uh you will pour yourself a glass of juice right it's awful to witness right you will pour yourself a glass you know i'm gonna say you will pour yourself a glass of juice right full big massive cup of juice right and you will sit next to us and you will drink that juice in one go right but however that's not for people listening that's not downing it in one go quickly. What Rosie does is, she drinks it

at the speed that it would normally take someone to drink a drink. So it takes her a couple of minutes, but it never leaves her mouth as she's doing it. So she just sits with you and she's got the cup over there and she just goes She's breathing into the glass and you can hear it like it's inside your head

and she sits there with the glass just tilted but on a phone normally, so her phone's held up even higher and you're wearing a snorkel looking like a dog with a snout and you're Three minutes, three and a half minutes I timed you the idea, took you to finish a drink and it was horrible, I did, I whipped my phone out and I timed you the idea it took you to finish a drink and I sat

it was horrible I did I whipped my phone out and I timed it it was literally you had the glass to your face for three and a half minutes it literally sounded like Darth Vader giving someone

a blowjob it's the worst thing I've ever heard and you do it all the time do an Instagram video of you doing it on Friday All the time. Okay. Do an Instagram video of you doing it on Friday when the podcast comes out, just so everyone can witness it. No, I don't feel like I do this that often.

All the time. Right, okay. All right, then. Well, yeah. All right. Good comeback. Yeah. Where's the saffron for me burns Just enjoy a glass of juice

Want to make it last a bit longer And I like to stay hydrated Bill there's nothing wrong with that Just go and do it in another room Oh fuck off It's now time for Questions from the public Public

Public It's now time for... Questions from the public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. What's been going on? So, guys, every time you get in touch, a little fairy gets its wings. So, please keep sending emails.

Shagmoundanoid at gmail.com. Indeed. We've had loads of messages about oxtas. Remember I talked about oxtas last week? Right. Oxtas is a Scottish word. Uh-huh. And my mam's mam, mam's mam's mam, my great-grandma was Scottish.

It's already tenuous. That's the kind of thing. My mam's mam's mam's mam's was Scottish. It's the kind of thing an English person says when he turns up at a wedding in a kilt. Do you know them dickheads? Yeah. Shout out Oxters. Yeah. They turn up he turns up at a wedding in a kilt. Do you know them dickheads? Yeah, shout out to them. Yeah, they turn up and they go, I've got the kilt.

And you go, one, you're showing the bride up. Stop it. And you go, right, how Scottish are you? And they go, oh, like, I love iron brew. And you go, oh, you're a dick. No, genuinely, though. So it's not that far removed. So it was my mum's nana.

Your mum's nana? Yeah. Your great nana? My great nana was Scottish, so I think that's So it's not that far removed. So it was my mum's nana. Your mum's nana? Yes. Your great nana? My great nana was Scottish, so I think that's where it's come from. Thank you. But it genuinely means armpits? It does.

Wonderful. Yeah. Okay. Question. Yeah. Please help me. No. Next question.

That's how it starts. Please help me. My friend Melissa eats spaghetti bolognese with rice. No. Next question. That's how it starts. Please help me. My friend Melissa eats spaghetti bolognese with rice. What? Sorry. The thought of this actually scares me. I'm from Newcastle, fellow Geordie.

She's from, is it Worcester? Worcester, yeah. Is it spelled Worchester? Yeah. It's Worcester. Worcester. yeah. Is it spelled Worchester? Yeah. It's Worcester. Worcester. Is it a North-South divide thing? Please help another Geordie stuck in the Midlands with what I think is a bunch of rice-eating weirdos.

Thanks, and that's from Karen. We are both listening. Wow. Okay, what are you going to say? I was going to say, is it bolognese? You said spaghetti bolognese with rice. This is what I'm thinking. She's put spaghetti bolognese with rice. So I'm thinking, is it the spaghetti? Is it like the pasta and the bolognese? You said spaghetti bolognese with rice. This is what I'm thinking. She's put spaghetti bolognese with rice.

So I'm thinking, is it the spaghetti? Is it like the pasta and the bolognese and then the rice? Or is it just the bolognese with the rice? Because I do that as well. Yeah. So my thoughts here are, if it's spaghetti, the pasta and the bolognese with rice, how many carbs do you need? What the hell's wrong with you?

Yeah. Right? Maybe she's going to do a marathon. Maybe. Carbing up. Or if it's just the bolognese sauce with rice, are they not just eating chili, you maniac? Well, yeah, that's what I mean.

I've done that before. One time I've had leftover bolognese, and I've had rice with it. It's quite nice. I'll tell you what's really nice, if you've got leftover bolognese sauce. What is? Bolognese sauce on toast with melted

cheese on top. Yeah. So good. That does sound good. Also in a jack of potato. Oh. Yeah. Do you know what I find really irritating about you? Wow. Do you want to know? What is it? You love bolognese. Yeah. But you don't like chilli. I don't like chilli. It's essentially

the exact same thing. Nah, it's not. Oh, I'm sorry, but it is. Bolognese? Yeah. But you don't like chilli? I don't like chilli. Essentially, the exact same thing. No, it's not. Oh, I'm sorry, but it is. No, bolognese is more tomatoey. That's... My bolognese, I put sun-dried tomatoes and bacon in my bolognese and bits of celery and carrot. They don't go in...

They don't go in chilli. Yeah, but they could if you wanted. Well, that's a bolognese. Well... The hell's wrong with you? I don't like kidney beans. I don't like kidney beans I don't like kidney beans I don't like

are you mad I'm sorry but I'm still absolutely livid about the soap dispenser I can't even did you say I didn't even look at you then I know I can't even look at you

can I just say though halfway through that you literally just went do you know what I find irritating about you I was like hold on on the beefs again

what section is this I've got loads I tell you I've got loads you know what's just popped into my head did you ever have this when you were younger what

it's just popped in my head and I don't know why email in if you ever had this or tweet us birds custard with smashed up digestives in it I don't like custard good chat

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another one here um hello rosie and chris my boyfriend and i love this podcast you guys are hilarious and we love you loads kiss kiss that's. That's very nice. Thank you. I probably shouldn't read all them out, but it's always just nice. Like a little one now and then. It's nice, isn't it? It's just nice. Thanks, guys. Okay, here's a question. Who is the little spoon and who is the big spoon in our relationship?

I'm guessing. You're going to love this. After I took a survey, it was clearly evident that people enjoy being the little spoon. Oh yeah, it's the poor position, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Do you guys rotate being spoons during the night? Sorry, what? Jesus Christ. When did you two meet yesterday?

We are married. We are married for five years and we do not rotate being spoons in the middle of the night. Who wrote this? A Disney princess? God knows. Moreover, how often do you guys

shave your pubes? Sorry? What just happened? Where did that, did you skip a line? No, I got these earlier on in a really tired state

and I forgot that that was at the bottom. That's another part of the question. These questions are nothing. That came from Norway. Oh mate.

That was crazy. The questions are beautiful. It from Norway oh mate that was crazy the questions are beautiful it's like a slap in the face erm erm the spooning it's when was the last time

we spooned god I can't remember I do like a little spoon now I think no we did we did the other night actually

yeah yeah yeah not that long ago it's before Robin comes in our bed we'll have a little spoon but erm I'm always big spoon now, but I do enjoy it.

I miss being a little spoon. You used to be big spoon when you were putting the effort in. Did I? Yeah, yeah. I think it was before I smashed all those soap dispensers. Was that just when I was pregnant and I had to lie on one side? No, because I wouldn't have been able to get spooned by. It would have been like you were strangling us.

You wouldn't be able to get anywhere near us with your big pregnant heff in the way. Oh, that sounds annoying. I can't believe you just called us a big pregnant heff. No, I called your stomach a big pregnant heff because our son was a giant. My buddy.

Our son was a giant. He really was. We didn't, like, we didn't touch each other during pregnancy at all, did we? We bloody couldn't. There was a planet in the way.

Literally. The gravity was pulling us towards, but I had to keep outrunning it. I watched a programme, Love and Hip Hop Hollywood, Obsessed. God. I will be saying a lot of American rap, like, gangster words. Do you know what I mean? Wonderful. Recently.

I will be. Because I love it. One of them was having a baby. She was in labour. And she was, was like hugging her husband and I was like that's nice. Hugging her?

They could just touch each other. We couldn't get that close could we? Because I was massive. They were quite close to each other. Anyway,

I didn't mean like hugging. I couldn't believe that they were hugging. I just couldn't believe that they were close enough. No, but during labour he was hugging her? Yeah.

What, you would have choked us out? You would have killed me? Yeah, true. I wasn't allowed anywhere near you? I was all No, but during labor, he was hugging her. Yeah. What, you would have choked us out. You would have killed me. Yeah, true. I wasn't allowed anywhere near you. I was outside in the corridor crying, phoning me mum. True story.

True story, bro. How often do you shave? How often do you guys shave your pubes? I mean, when I noticed that it's a frigging disaster down there, when I noticed I look like I've been doing one of them slipping slides from America, but naked on a barbershop floor.

But you don't shave your pubes. I can't stand it when men shave their pubes. I don't shave them off, but I'll have a trim. Oh, yeah, trimmage. Definitely trimmage. But have you ever seen a man with shaven pubes? Yes. It's awful.

It's an awful thing to behold. I really think it's horrible. I'm sorry. I think it's awful. Earthworm Jim. It's really horrible. Spiky and disgusting. Yeah, like a little chicken.

Yeah, don't do it. Nobody likes it. I don't think I know any women who like shaving pubes on a man let's do a poll when we're at work

oh god everyone yeah do it in your office don't use the office printer you might get sacked maybe it's just I don't think I do why did you just drop is it a lady or a man

who's just dropped that question from nowhere also how often do you shave your pubes there's got to be more to that I swear no I'm saying sorry shave your pubes there's got to be more to that I'm saying sorry not written down but there's got to be like I'll ask

them this and by the way you never shave it so I'm going to ask them how often they do it because you're bloody you look like you're getting a you look like you're bloody riding on bloody shafts shoulders so glad you got there in the end oh sorry that was from Laura.

She's put it at the end, but I haven't put it on properly. Laura. Thanks for your very weird questions, Laura. All right, here's a question. Dear Rosie and Chris, I have received an unexpected invitation to a surprise 40th birthday party next year. The person in question is a mum from my son's primary school. My son is

about to go into year 10 at secondary school so it's been a while since I have caught up with her. I'm friends on Facebook with her but apart from a few mum nights out over the years I wouldn't say I know her that well. I've looked on the invitation list and there are quite a few mums from my son's old class on there so I will know quite a few people but my question is should i accept the invitation and go or should i turn it down i would hate her to think why did she get an invite many thanks right what do you think do not go yeah don't go you haven't seen her for years you're not that good a friend she is gonna look at you and go why are you here I think she's just trying

to make up the numbers whoever has her partner has organised this 40th birthday party he's just making up the numbers you're a number can I just say as well

you definitely shouldn't go for a different reason a 40th birthday party a 40th surprise party next year next year, next year. Oh, yeah. How long is everyone going to have to keep this secret for? Oh, Christ.

I'm not having the burden of that. Yeah, next year? Next year. It's a good job you don't frigging say them because you're going to drop that in. Oh, my gosh. A year. Yeah, this person's terrified no one's going to turn up. Yeah, they're making up the numbers.

You are, yeah, you're the third sweep of people. The book the room had held 100, they had 20. They went, we'll go deeper into the Facebook list. Oh, God, we're on 15. Right, deeper again into the Facebook list. Get the bins report out. It's going to be you, the milkman, the bin man. A taxi that got in once.

Jesus. Just as long as she knows that she's going somewhere nice and she can dress because I'm already worried for her. Already worried for her. Do you know what I mean? I'd like to interject with the questions this week.

I'd like to interject because I've got your homework from last week. What do you mean? You, as listeners of last week's show will remember, you know no words, no phrases, no idioms. You don't understand any idioms at all. Bird in the hand, we're two in the bush.

Oh, I did one today, though. I did one today. Did you? I put one on my Instagram today. What was it? I said, I'm so hungry, my stomach thinks my throat's been cut. Right. That's one. It's kind cut. Right. That's one.

It's kind of a phrase. It's kind of not like an idiom kind of thing. What? It didn't write. Okay, so famously last week, Rosie, a while ago, said a bird and a hand's worth, two in the bush,

and Rosie didn't know what the hell was going on. So I've got a little list of them for you, and I just want to test you on them if that's all right. Right, okay. Yeah, and see if you know them. I thought you were going to do this is your life moment when you were starting. Anyway, right. Robin isn't really sick, he's

just doing a surprise party for you. Shit! Okay, first one. A stitch in time saves nine. What does that mean? I've heard this. This is on musicals. This is on musicals! This is in a musical, isn't it?

A stitch in time saves nine. Right. Is it about cats? How the fuck? Like nine lives. Shut the fuck Are you serious? Are you serious here? Are you serious?

Why would it be about cats nine lives i really don't know a stitch in time a stitch in time cross stitch a stitch in time saves nine saves so do something first and it'll save your time nine. I don't know. What does it mean? Are you giving? Yes, I give it. That was close. I'll give you half a point on that. Stitching time saves nine. So it basically means, sort it out now.

You know, the analogy they're using is, you know, ripping some clothes. One stitch. Quickly do the one stitch now. Or if you leave it, you're going to have to do nine later. Because the problem would be worse. That's stupid. That's ridiculous. Well, it's definitely not about cats. Next one. One swallow

doesn't make a summer. It doesn't. I'm going to tell you that from experience. You don't swallow. Maybe I used to before I was married right tell us again one swallow

doesn't make a summer one swallow birds right yeah that's right so what you're doing is you're coming down on the literal

of what it says there it doesn't mean that this an idiom is it's it's one thing as an example right of a larger thing right then well don't give boys blowjobs who you've just met on the beach right it's nothing to do with swallowing in the bird i mean what you just what you just said is cracking advice as well everyone don't do it don't do it um you'll get thrush good of the voice um thrush is also a bird uh i'm getting a nosebleed one swallow doesn't make a summer i don't know right it basically means just because one little good thing has happened it's not all plain sailing from here on out but why are they so depressing right because it's it's it's worrying right you must know this one, number three, right? Yeah. Dime a dozen.

Something's a dime a dozen. Well, I know it means good. Like, oh, he's a dime a dozen. A dozen means God! A dozen! It literally means the opposite of God! What do you mean?

Who have you been telling that they're a dime a dozen and have the sportiest since you said it? Is that not good? Telling someone they're a dime a dozen is a massive insult. No, shut up. Yeah, because if something's a dime a dozen, it's, you know. Am I thinking of like Diamond Giza or something? Probably, yeah.

So what's dime a dozen mean? So if something's a diamond dozen, he's like, oh, bloody hell, they're a diamond dozen then. So literally I could say, you could go, Chris. Oh, so like it's cheap? Yeah, Chris, you've brought me stupid baby shark dispenser.

I go, ah, they're a diamond dozen. Oh, shit. I've just been telling people they're a diamond dozen. It's like if you say it to someone, you're a diamond dozen. Maybe it's because you're saying them, like, because I'm just hearing them like this. All right, okay.

Maybe. Okay, yeah. So here's one.'re saying them, because I'm just hearing them like this. All right, okay. Maybe. Okay, yeah. So here's one. This should work, actually. Here's another one. Don't beat around the bush. Well, that's just come out and say it. There we go.

I know that one. You got one. Excellent. Thank God. That is one out of four so far. Very well done. How many more you got? I've got six more.

No, you haven't. I'm not doing six more. No, you are. We've got to do the rest of them. Eight, eight. We'll get to them. We'll not beat around the bush. We'll get them.

Birds of a feather flock together. Good pals stay together. I've never heard that one. I've at least heard some of the other ones. I've never heard. What is it? Birds of heard some of the other ones. I've never heard. What is it? Birds of a feather flock together. Yeah, birds of a feather flock together.

Just birds stick, like friends forever stick together. Tell us. Oh, just tell us. Birds of a feather flock together. All similar, like similar people will all knock around together is the kind of thing. Right. Okay.

Nothing to do with friends. Yeah, but similar people, similar things the kind of thing. Right, okay. Nothing to do with friends. Yeah, but similar people, similar things will all be found. Right, lovely. Probably people who enjoy saying stupid shit like this. Hey, don't put all your eggs in one basket. I do know that. Right.

Right, well, let me just think how I can describe that. So, say... No, don't put all your eggs in one basket don't look over the eggs they won't help you i know i know what this means it's like don't put everything that you want in that in there yeah don't it's just a saying yeah that i know yeah and you know i know what that means you know what it is i do know what you mean i do i know exactly that you know that know what that means. You know what it is? I do know what you mean. I know exactly that you know that one. I do know that one. So that's fine. That's two so far. Thank you. Okay. Kill two birds with one stone.

I do know that. Like. Listen to the panic. Listen to that little panic breathing. Kill two birds with one stone. Like if I'm going to the shops and I know my mum's at the shop, then I can take something for her that I was going to see later on and I'm going to the shop at the same time.

Bang. Yes. That's it. Smashed it. That's amazing. She's trying to do the Ali G thing with her finger but it's not making any noise. Okay, come on.

Three out of ten. Okay. This is a tricky one. You're all about birds. Well, next one's not. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. Oh, because it because sweet and sour because

you've got to be nice bang instead of being a dick lovely lovely you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink i've heard that before you've been sitting at a taxi drivers you mean hey you know what you are mate you're a bloody horse to water you are what does it mean you don't know what I mean well just you can't make

someone do something you can tell them what to do but you can't make them do it basically oh god I'm good very good

good see you're good aren't you you didn't think I'd get these I'm buzzing I'm dead proud of you darling thank you you can't make an omelette

without breaking some eggs well you can't yeah but what does it mean you physically cannot make an omelette yeah but it's an idiom unless you break the eggs yeah but what does it mean you physically cannot make an omelette unless you break the eggs yeah but what's the meaning of it you can't do something unless you break hurt someone

I'm sorry these are ridiculous I got a B in English literature I'm going to contact them and I want that revoked because that is no that was

yeah no you got them yeah yeah that one you can't you know you've got to you've got to get you've got to get down and dirty

to get something done yeah thank you for wasting 15 minutes that wasn't a waste that was amazing do you want to hear this is

it's a bit rude warning guys warning yeah these are the ones that everyone loves man okay well if if you don't hear it? This is, it's a bit rude. Oh, warning guys, warning. Yeah, these are the ones that everyone loves, man. Tony the Killer and all that. Okay, well, if you don't like it, fast forward. If you don't like this kind of stuff.

You listen to it now. You listen to it and you put up with this. And if you're on the tube or whatever, I want you to look at the people who are next to you and know that they don't know whatever filth you're hearing and you're fine. There's a parental guidance on this for a reason. Jesus, how bad is this?

Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie. A few years ago, some mates and I were watching some TV show about sex as a laugh. Christ. All right.

A couple on the programme were talking with a sex therapist and the guy casually mentioned that they double dip when they're having sex. Oh. I don't like where this is going. Well, this has come about from when we were talking about double dipping last week,

weren't we? So we've kind of brought this on ourselves. What, a buffet though? I don't even know if I want to know. The therapist questioned what he meant by double dipping. He then explained that during sex, they move between vaginal sex to anal sex, then back to vaginal again.

The therapist was absolutely horrified and explained how doing so could cause big issues as fecal particles could be transferred to the vagina. Now, anytime anyone mentions double dipping with crisps and dips, I always remember that programme. And now, so will you. Other than porn stars, who is double dipping during sex? I mean, for me, as someone who doesn't practice anal sex very often... Very often? It's not a thing we do. Are you having anal sex with often. Very often? Excuse me?

Are you having anal sex with somebody else? Just myself, sometimes in the bath. Imagine if you were cheating on me with someone but just for anal sex. I am your wife. You have more respect when you're talking to me about anal sex, alright? On this public

forum podcast with four million people who've listened, all right? Oh yeah, we hit four million listens, by the way. Off the back of that anal sex chat, four million listens. Hi both, hope you've had a great week. We have, thank you. Well, it's been all right.

Robin's poorly, but whatever. Although we're recording this on Tuesday night and this goes out on Friday, so I'll get back to you on that. Yeah, thank you. Well, it's been all right. Robin's poorly, but whatever. Although we're recording this on Tuesday night and this goes out on Friday, so I'll get batty on that. Yeah, me too. So, but thank you for asking. It's really lovely of you. We don't mean to be so passive and passive,

which is really tired and I'm starving. I'm starving too. I'm going to have a beer after this. Me. So, I have a shower every morning for speed and convenience, but I also love a long hot bath with a wine after work sometimes. Nice.

I often use this time to catch up with your podcast, which got me thinking. Wonderful. My first question is, if you had to choose one or the other forever, bath or a shower, what would it be and why? Oh, that's a good question. Mine would be shower. Yeah. Let's be realistic. Come on.

Baths are, I love a bath. Yeah. But they're a pain in the arse. Yeah, but imagine how much you would miss it. Imagine if you made that choice now and 10 years down the line, someone was like, i love a bath you know and you were like no i'm not allowed them no i'm sorry i can actually say that i would rather have a shower i lived when i worked at ponton's i didn't have a shower we had a bath

we had to buy one of them things that you plug onto the tap oh yes but it was horrible a shaft is that what they're called no no that's what i've named them. My mate had one, yeah. My mate Benny Boot, when I first did stand-up, I went and stayed at his house in London and it was a shaft. I was like, you know you've got a shaft? Like, yeah, the tube that goes up the bath and you've got to sit in the bath

and spray yourself. You've got to sit in a cold bath with nothing in. It's the worst. And then there was sometimes when I was like, I can't use the shaft. Yeah.

Right? I was like, I'm going to have to just have a really quick dip. So it would be about three inches big and it would be freezing cold. So no showers forever. Do you know what it feels like

when you have to do that when someone's got, it's when places have got the shower but the attachment, it's just on the bath, like a phone. Like we've got it but there's no thing on the wall.

Yeah. Like you feel like, you know when there's been an oil spill and they're getting the seagulls and they're cleaning them. It feels like that. It feels like someone's like rescued you and then're just there, just showering yourself in the bath, going, will it be all right? Well, I used to do it to Robin when he had a, this isn't going to work with wipes, too.

Oh, God, when he had one of them, a disaster zone. Stick them in there. Yeah, God. Secondly, there's another question here. Great. After my bath, I always have a quick, tepid shower to rinse off and wash my hair and face. Who is this person? I'm thinking maybe I'm a bit odd. Do you or other listeners do this too? Thanks, that's from Jen.

How dirty are you when you get in this bath that you need to get out of your disgusting, rancid bath water and shower yourself with clean water? What are you, a car? What is this? Oh, it says the man who has to have a shower every time he has a poo. Yeah, because paper doesn't do the job. I'm sorry, if you had shit anywhere on your body and you would not wipe it, if I rubbed a bit of human shit on your face now, I wouldn't wipe it off with paper.

So I'll win. But I've also seen you, I'm just going to have a dig at you here, I've seen you getting washed in the shower. Yeah. It's, you lather up so much with the little like sponge thing. And you just get every inch of your body. It's called having to wash your filth bag. Eh? You just described, you know what the weird thing with you is when you're in the shower.

You clean every inch of you, you weirdo. It's called having a shower. What are you doing like? It's time for this week's celebrity question. Celebrity question. Question this week from comedian and handsome chap, Ed Gamble. Yes, he's got a lovely accent. Hello, Chris and Rosie.

Ed Gamble here, and here is my question for you. If you did a DNA test and discovered that you were second cousins, would you get a divorce? Not first cousins, second cousins. Would you get a divorce? Great question from me. Okay, thank you, goodbye. Great question from me.

Very good question. Good question. We haven't checked that, to be question. It's a good question. We haven't checked that, to be fair. That might be a thing. We are definitely not related, Chris. I assure you. We're definitely not related and our child looks nothing like you.

To the point where I'm like, have I secretly cheated on you and I don't even know because he doesn't look anything like you. Aww. No, I know, but you know, honestly, it's gone through my mind I'm like wow what have I been you know god it's been a fun podcast for me it's been very grim sorry that was an awful bit would we get divorced would we get divorced second cousin so that is I is... What is a second cousin? Yes.

I don't think we would. Do you not? Nah. Son's fine. Nothing's happened. Everything's good. Nothing's changed. Just a bit of paper.

Couple of people you knew got a bit too frisky. That's fine. What is second cousins? So second cousins is like cousin's child, I think. Hmm. Nah, it's fine. Cousins are... I don't really see my family. See, that's why it freaks me out.

I don't see my family that much, so it doesn't bother me. You might as well be bloody related to someone down the street. Well, you see my family quite a lot. Yeah. So I'm trying to think of someone who would be a good example. Say my full cousins. It'd have to be Nina's. One of Nina's

children yeah would you if you found out that I don't want to sound what do you mean one of Nina's what do you mean

because she's my cousin right but you it turned out that you it would have to be me wouldn't it no I'd have to be her child I've got Nina's

and I found out that Nina was my mum no I was just trying to do it as an example right Ed Gamble, what you've done here is you've given her a question

and you've confused her because we don't know what second cousins mean. And I'm going to say, mate, I'm going to tell you right now, I've met divorced people, I've seen the dating world out there,

if I found out it was her fucking brother, I wouldn't get divorced because I can't be arsed. Bye. I agree. Profusely. And that's it another episode done

thank you again so so much from the bottom of our hearts for listening week in week out we really really really appreciate it yeah thank you very much guys that was really good fun we hope you enjoyed it also so remember don't double dip put a shelf up and have a look at family trees you know what the hell's going on

if you want to get in touch it's shagged married annoyed at gmail.com please rate please like please subscribe and all of that

shit that people say at the end of podcasts bye Robin hasn't been sick so that's good that is a win for us yay bye

you're invited to an immersive listening party Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, Aprilil 13th when

the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city