Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 220. Good Optics

Episode Date: June 2, 2023

Chris and Rosie talk trampolining techniques, parenting lessons, Subbuteo and sun cream icks. Sandra is in Rosie's bad books after borrowing Rosie's clothes and Chris reveals a new character - Captain Cuddle. QFTP's include cock rings, embarrassing Mum behavior and rude signs! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmarananoid with me, Rosie, and me husband, Chris.

And we both have the surname Ramsey. Why, look at that. Shit the bed. Just mixing it up. Yeah, married, not brother and sister, if you're here for the first time. Good, yes, I think we have cleared that up in the past, but always good to revisit it, just in case.

Are there any brother-sister podcasts? I don't care. Oh. Well, all right then. What a dickhead. are there any brother sister podcasts I don't care oh well alright then what a dickhead oh yes see 220 episodes and you're still

mixing it up with the intros there I'm trying my best it's hard you know that'll keep us going that'll keep us fresh 200 episodes do you still think we're us fresh on our 200 episodes. Yes! We'll coast on that shit. Do you still think we're going to be here on 200 episodes?

I don't know. It depends how rough your periods get. Now, listen. Oh! Welcome. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for tuning in.

It's bloody lovely to have you. We're back at home. We're doing it from our home little studio room now because we've been in London for the past few weeks. Haven't we done much? We have. Busy bees, man. We've been busy little bees.

Felt weird, though. It did feel weird not to. I like it here. I'm much more comfortable here. I much prefer it here, Chris. Much more comfortable. Smell that. Smell that air. Right. Northern. Right, northern.

In the north, where you could be your wife, or you could be your sister, or you could be both. Now, listen, it's episode 220. Let's crack straight in. Let's pay those bills. It's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Just to clarify, I do love London, though. I don't want to slag off.

I don't want a North-South divide. Well, there is one, but I also love London. I think everyone knows we love London. I love the South in general. Yeah, but you're like, Rosie, you're allowed to prefer your home. No, not these days, Chris. Not in this day and age.

You are allowed to prefer your own home to anywhere else I think that's fine well I think that's actually fine take a day in my Instagram comments

right okay that's why I don't read mine listen the majority of people out there are amazing but it's just the odd little piece of shit

I know who can really get under your skin yeah really get down the end of your tiddler really get under your flaps

yeah do you want to hear just dead quickly a recent one that I got? Well, the sponsor's waiting. Sorry. Yeah, come on then.

Okay, I put on a picture and I was like, dressed head to toe in Reese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because my outfit was from Reese. Somebody without a picture just commented going,

your bag's not. I was like, right. All right. Well, was your bag? Was your bag? It wasn't actually. Right. Well, why are you

putting lies on the internet? All right then. There's already putting lies on the internet alright then there's already enough lies on the internet without you putting more lies no you know what

I'm glad I created that account I'm glad I created that account to comment that because you just who do you think you are get back in your lane

check yourself check your facts check your privilege right always fucking reese head to toe wearing piece of shit

pot from your bag listen it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is waking up with a stiff neck oh I thought you were going to say something else

oh what do you think I'm going to say stiff e stiff cock no stick knob stiff knob

no stiff dick no thank you oh god having boys is disgusting yeah by the way. Robin took him to bed last night

because he just falls asleep downstairs now because just all the rules have gone out the window and he's doing a phase where you put him to bed, he just cries at the top of the stairs and I just go, fuck my arse. Anyway, so he falls asleep downstairs. It's actually fine. Put him to bed last night,

carried him upstairs because you were out gallivanting, went for a wee. Oh, the last one. Had a... Yeah. Oh, pushing that down. last night carried him upstairs because you were out gallivanting went for a wee had a yeah oh pushing that down it's not something a mother should have to do it is

grim well yeah you've got to basically get him to sort of almost stand on his hands or he pisses all over the back of the toilet he tried

and he was half asleep and just went I can't I went alright then it's hard man it's not it's it's good to know it works back of the toilet. He tried and he was half asleep and he just went, I can't. I went, alright then. It's hard, man. It's not, it's, oh. It's good to know it works. I didn't mean that to be an innuendo, but yeah. Listen,

waking up with a stiff neck. Sorry, okay, yes. Oh, you got a nice day planned? Think again. You could be doing the greatest thing in the world and a stiff neck will fucking ruin the entire thing. Okay. I hate it.

What's my head doing? What? What is my head doing right now? Let everybody know. Shaking. Yeah. Why is my head shaking, Chris? I don't know.

You know why my head's shaking. Why? Why I got a stiff neck, dickhead? A stiff neck, dickhead? Uh-huh. Why I got a stiff neck? I had a stiff neck because I lay funny in my sleep.

No. No. No. I lay funny in my sleep. Right. Changed my pillow. Okay. You just wait for the bourguignon.

The beefs. Okay. You just wait. Oh, that's exciting. Oh. All right, then. Well, let's get this fucking jingle and let's get the show on the road.

All right, then. Yeah. Jing, jang, jang, Mr. Jangle. Mr. Jangles. Good film, that. What? Green Mile. Green Mile.

Good. Randomness. Rosie's random thought of the day. Happy days. That was one of the questions when I was on a quiz show recently right what was it

name films with Tom Hanks in oh and that's the one I said good did it get to me actually was that just in my head I don't know if it got to me but that was in my head

you have to guess on the thing yeah we're talking about the wheel and you have to guess on the thing you've been on it once you've got to keep it secret you're doing it We're talking about the wheel. And you have to guess on the thing. Oh, you've been on it once. You've got to keep it secret. You're doing it again. She's doing the wheel again.

Fucking hell. God almighty. They act like these shows. They act like it's like... I know. Well, this is the thing, right? They tell me, don't tell anyone. And then everyone who I'm on with

puts a picture on their Instagram and I'm like, why am I? Why am I secret? I'm on my butt. We're the only ones. We're the only... Do you know, we're the only ones who follow the rules.

I think it's a northern working class thing. Is it? We're the only... Fucking BAFTAs, do you know, we're the only ones who follow the rules. I think it's a northern working class thing. Is it? We're the only, we're the fucking BAFTAs. We're the BAFTAs. They were like, right, present the award,

say just what's on the autocue, do it as quick as you can and rattle through it. We're like, right, okay, everyone else is fucking doing all kinds up there. I know. Fannying on,

fucking, you know. Yeah. Reading, going off script. We stayed on script. We came off and they went, hey, you stayed on script, thank you. We're like, we're fucking terrified

why is no one else terrified we are pathetic goody two shoes pathetic this I'm going to push something over not in here we had a fight about the jingle

jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap Jingle!

Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Is it okay to talk about your son Stiffy? On a national podcast Because that's the conversation we've just had i don't know any other job where there's a little break so that's technically a break i mean we only broke for about 20 seconds while i just exported the file and i just don't know any other job where you're going just just thinking about that chat we just had is it is it okay to talk about a seven-year-old's erect penis on a podcast?

I think it is. I think, you know, I think. You're not going to embarrass me. You've never listened to it. No, and we can get away with stuff when they're this age, but obviously as they get older. Well, it's like Instagram. Robin is very rarely on my Instagram anymore because he just said something a while ago of,

he doesn't really know about it. He doesn't know how many people look at it. He doesn't get, he doesn't know social media. But he flippantly once said, don't put it on Instagram. And I was like, I never would if he didn't want us to. And then the older he's got,

I'm like, actually you need to start just having a bit of a private life as a kid. Yeah, 100%. Because the Instagram got a lot, it got big quite quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then,

you know, same with Rafe. We can't decide what they, how they want to be in the public eye. Yeah. And I think when they're little, though, you can get away with it because it doesn't matter

because everything's cute when you're little, but as you get older, you know what I mean? Although something did happen the other day in the garden, which I haven't told you about. Okay. And I didn't, Kate listens,

my sister listens to this podcast. Right. So she hasn't seen her kids' willies' penises for years, right? Because they're like 13 and 14 right sorry that's that's she's just stating a fact there by the way she's not pining for them no no no no because obviously they've got older and she's like haven't seen in four years yeah I'm like oh and then um I let the kids wee in the garden have a wild week so I'm like it doesn't matter it's

just we like in the gardens private, I'm not lost. Anyway, our youngest was having a wee the other day. And I didn't say it to her, but I thought in my head, do you not want to have a quick look? That's terrible. That's terrible. Like, I'm intrigued. So you must be intrigued.

So weird. I know. We didn't. I didn't say anything. Listen, I've just got a really vivid memory of something i don't think i've told anyone i definitely haven't told you what i remember this is getting little erections when i was a kid right and i used to wear a little um i've got a really vivid memory i used to wear a little y front little y fronts little from like wherever marks and spencer's are as they're wherever the hell they were from right and oh no i don't think as i did clothes then yeah i don't know i bet they were from, right? And, oh no, I don't think Asda did clothes then. Yeah, I don't know.

Asda didn't do clothes. I bet they were from C&A. I bet they were from British Home Stores or C&A. Yeah, I remember C&A. Well, wherever they were from, I've got a very vivid memory of having an erection and it bored a full hole in the front of it. What do you mean?

Bored a hole. Like, I've got a very vivid memory of having an erection in a little Y front as a child and it was fully through the front. It just drilled a hole in the front of the Y. It came through the material? It came through the material. What's the matter with you?

You can't cage the beast. I'm serious. Is that why you got circumcised? No. I was already circumcised at the time. I got circumcised when I was really young. But I've got vivid memories of waking up or whatever and it just got a full hole through the front of the...

That's something wrong with that. That is so weird. Really strange, isn't it? I it just got a full hole through the front of the that's something wrong with that that is so weird really strange isn't it I haven't got a particularly sharp penis I never have had but a full

just through like ripped a hole like the Incredible Hulk through the middle I've got a really vivid memory of that isn't that weird you might want to

unlock some childhood trauma that you've got going on what because my mum bought shitty underpants that's awful that's horrible how's it awful I don't know

just weird I took Rafe's nappy off the other day right and I just pulled going on? What, because my mum bought shitty underpants? That's awful. That's horrible. How's it awful? I don't know. Just weird. I took Rafe's nappy off the other day and I just pulled his little shorts up for a bit and he like grabbed his thing

and looked at this and he was like grabbing it and he was just looking at it and like this is nice, isn't it? Nice, eh?

Nice. We actually had a little conversation and I was like is that nice? Welcome to the rest of your life, mate. Because bless him he doesn't have his nappy off much

because he's just like keeps just shits everywhere I'm just like do you remember when I was the second kid with the first kid I remember I used to have

loads of no nappy time with Robin so I was like it's good for him but now I'm like he's just shitting piss now go on keep an eye on him

I got him out the bath yesterday and he pissed on the bedroom floor oh he loves it and then I went and he was only a tiny bit and he was like wee wee and I was like come on, keep an eye on him. I got him out of the bath yesterday and he pissed on the bedroom floor. Oh, he loves it. And then I went, and it was only a tiny bit and he was like, wee, wee. And I was like,

come on, we'll go to the toilet. And I stood him in front of the toilet and he didn't know what I was going to do. And I put my hands under his arms and he started screaming. Oh yeah, he's terrified. I think he thought I was going to put him in the toilet. No, he's terrified of the toilet.

Yeah. I'm dreading potty training. I actually, I said before. You did all the Robin one though. I'm going to have to be here for this. I was away when you did Robin. Oh, look at you. I was on tour.

Look at you. Well, I've got no sort of experience doing it, so you should probably just take the lead on this one as well. No, I had to read a book before I did it. Oh, did it hurt? Are we all right? Did I learn to read? Skimmed it.

Skimmed it. I just bribed him. Right. Every time he had a wee or a poo, I'd give him a chocolate button. Right. Wow. Okay.

Well, if he did a a poo he got like more wow yeah but for wees it's like training a dog every time he did a wee in the potty he got chocolate wow

I don't even know if that's what you meant to do but it worked did it work yeah I did when's that parenting book you're writing coming out do you know what it is stick carrot

carrot stick chocolate button massive poo how to bribe your kids and oh just speaking of that though i would just like to write a parenting book which just shits all over general parenting yeah because i i haven't got time for general parents bits of it yes fair enough i think it's really good to talk to kids but if i see another parent trying to coax their child away from a situation by just asking please i'm gonna lose my shit yeah like come on let's go time to go get out now get in that fucking car five four three yeah yeah yeah what happens when you get

to one mom well you don't know because we've never had to get there. Have we, son? Get in the car. No. There we have it. Have you been there, though, when parents are like... Yeah, God, yeah.

Oh, Jesus. That's awful. Oh, it drives me mad. That's awful. Drives me mad. Grab their hand and walk. Come on, no. Put that down.

Hey! Fucking... Now! Get a pair of lungs on you, man, love. Get a pair of lungs on you. Come on, no. Put that down. Hey! Fucking. Now! Get a pair of lungs on you, man, love. Get a pair of lungs on you. Give him a shout. Oh, anyway. Rosie's book.

Chapter one. Potty training versus tooth decay. Every time you have a wee in the potty, you get some chocolate. Just a button. If you don't drink too much water, you'll have fillings by the time you're five. You can't be squeezing them out because I'll know. I know the difference. Hold on, you've just melted those three

buttons and wiped them into the potty to try and get more chocolate. Mommy knows. Mother knows best. That's what I'm going to call my book. Mother Knows Best. Right, okay. Or, Mother Knows Best.

Sexist. Yeah, Mother Knows Best, hashtag, do as I say, not as I do. I can't wait. It'll be out next spring. It will not. I watched your head bleed when we tried to write our first book, and now you're not tackling one on your own. Honestly, I think my worst nightmare is you deciding to write a book again and me having to be roped in

on it for no money it would be like it would be like helping the burns with the homework but worse oh god please don't ever do another book oh jesus oh god no just a little shout uh we did mention it last week but we're going to mention it again. We are long listed for an NTA. If you could just quickly, dead quickly, Google NTA, National Television Awards 2023.

Find our bit. Vote for us. We're in the best interview show for the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show. And do you know what? It'd be lovely to get shortlisted and get to go there and make fools of ourselves again and get pissed.

Honestly, I'd kind of like, yes, but no. Because they're trying to find something to wear and having to go through the rigmarole of all that, Chris. It's very stressful. You just hoi on a suit. You just hoi on a suit and look fine. How dare you?

There's a lot of prep. How dare you just shoot down the meticulous planning that goes into my garments and my fashion sense. I just hoi on a suit. You do. You all do. Yeah, no, it's a piece of piss. But it's not as dressy,

I don't think, as the BAFTAs, is it? We've never been. Don't know. Be good fun. I bet it's a right laugh. If we win, we should go on and say,

oh, it's so good to get this BAFTA, thank you, and then walk off. Stick the script. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Sandra has been at it again yeah actually not going to believe

what she's done this time right so this was I sort of glimpsed you and your mum you and your sister shouting at your mum for something in the garden yesterday and then this morning

you tried to tell us what Sandra had done and I said hold it for the podcast I'm all ears I'm very excited so we were away the other week and we missed

my cousin's son's christening. Yeah. Right. Gutted. Love a christening. Personally buzzing but carry on.

It's just a piss up in there. It's good fun. Anyway we missed it because we were at the BAFTAs. Yeah. My mum had raided my wardrobe

right and she was like you've got some nice clothes. I was like oh thank you very much. And she borrowed a dress which is fine right. It's absolutely fine. I don't've got some nice clothes. I was like, oh, thank you very much. And she borrowed a dress, which is fine, right? It's absolutely fine.

I don't mind anyone borrowing me clothes. Sorry, before you tell this, we also came back and the rail had fallen down inside the wardrobe. Oh, yeah, but she reckoned it wasn't her.

She claims she has no idea about that. Blatantly her. Carry on. So she borrowed a dress, which I was like, that's absolutely fine. Do you know what she did

to the dress? She ripped it off and spilled something on it. you done she altered the dress she's literally took it in to her size like what is that is that a mother thing like does she is she like i own you and i own this dress fuck it's a hell of a slam that way. It is, isn't it? So she's altered it. Didn't tell us though, right? Didn't tell us.

And I didn't see any pictures of me mam the christening, which I found a bit odd. And then, right, this is another thing. So she's altered it, right? So I don't know if it can go back to my size. Depends how she's done it, but I doubt it very much. I mean, unless she's just sort of tacked it in. I don't know.

She didn't say fully, right? But I was like, okay, thank you. It's not a new dress, thank God. The kicker, right? She's been on Vinted. Right. She's found it on Vinted. Right.

In her size. She's bought it for eight quid. Oh, right. Okay, I thought you were going to say she's flogged it on Vinted. No, so she's bought... No, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. So she's bought the dress again in her size for eight quid on Vinted. So she's ruined yours,

made yours now unwearable. Uh-huh, and now she's bought her own? And now bought her own. Wow, that's amazing. What's wrong with that? Wow. Speaking of, have you heard of Vinted?

No. Well, everyone keeps talking about it. I think me mum and Kate are just like obsessed. They're buying everything off there, right? But this is the weird thing. Everything they've told me that they've bought,

they've like got a dress and I'm like, oh nice, my Kate's like eight quid. I'm like oh good i've got a got a new bag eight quid so everything's eight quid why is everything eight quid why is it can you not just put maximum price it's not to put eight pound maximum probably probably but you know what it is that gets so competitive so like some lass had something on for 12 quid my Kate off had 9 right not even 8 and the lass was like no my Kate was like

well fuck you she's like lost a sale lost a sale I was willing to pay 9 pound for that just like

lost a sale I remember so upset god I've just had another memory I remember I was at a car boot sale with my dad once remember I was at a car boot sale

with my dad once when I was younger and my dad was doing yeah he had the work he borrowed the work van for the weekend and he had the car boot sale out the back of it right

and I walked around and obviously I was just young and I wanted to buy loads of shit and I found a Subbuteo an old like classic oh is that when you flick the football little people

fucking shit to be fair like what a rubbish game it doesn't make any sense so I had Rosie I had I had a full set right and then I had like Oh, is that when you flick the football, little people? Fucking shit, to be fair. Like, what a rubbish game. It doesn't make any sense. Rosie, I had a full set, right? And then I had, like, obviously two teams. And then I had the away strips as well. And I also had a little kicker for doing free kicks where you pulled his leg back and it flicked forward.

So he's like a special one you brought on for free kicks. And I had another one which was on a little sort of spring where he's hands in the air for throw-ins so i had all the little i remember walking around and i went and saw my dad he was like if you say anything you know like come back and tell us if you want to get something don't get loads of stuff i came back and i was like i've seen subito he went right how much is that was like five pound he was like right and he gave us four quid and he was, don't spend more than four quid on it. Don't.

I know he gave us the five, but he said, keep a pound in your pocket and tell him you've only got four quid. And I was like, I was a kid. So I went, I've got four quid. The guy went, it's five. So I just gave him the five and went, it's five. Grumbled immediately. I came back.

My dad was raging. He was like, where's the quid? I was like, I paid. He was like, you paid full price. Raging. Where's his car boot I can't have a word that dad man oh horrible

horrible I remember right now the stickers for car boot sales like 50 pence a pound just class wasn't it absolutely loved a car boot sale yeah subutio I think

is the nicest word ever in a Geordie accent subutio yes that's quite good isn't it isn't that do it again subutioie accent. Subutio. Yes. That's quite good, isn't it? Isn't that? Do it again. Subutio. Subutio.

Subutio. We should make it, like, is it still a thing now? Because we should make a drink called Subutio. Right. But it's a game. No, it's not. No one's buying Subutio anymore. I guarantee you there's probably,

I will put money on the fact that there's probably still leisure centres around the country where people meet up on a Sunday or a Saturday afternoon and play Subutio with each other. Do you think?

I will put my fucking life on it. Well, let's call it Subutios. I feel like we're going to get sued. And what's this drink going to be? Dunno. You just like the word.

Yeah, I just think we should do something, Jodie. I want to franchise something, you know. I want to do something in my life. I want to franchise something you know I want to do something in my life I want to sell something Subway?

Domino's? No no no no I just want to sell something on the sly like all the housewives do they've all got a brand I want to do something no no no

you just want a fucking event don't you you want an event an opening event for your brand no I would never have an opening event opening events

terrify me if nobody comes are you fucking kidding me I was glad the book came out in lockdown so we didn't have to do a book party. Fuck that. Rosie, can you invite everyone on social media?

What, all the people who I've denied going to their things? Oh, yeah, aye, they'll all come. Of course they will. No, God, jeez. But yeah. You're not made for this world, are you? No, I'm really not. Nah.

Nah. It's time for Whatcha Beef. Whatcha Beef. Whatcha Beef. Whatcha Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. eating any crisps recently. No. And you know what? Lost a bit of weight. Right.

Funny that, innit? Yes, we had, innit? Just can't. It's almost like it's an extremely simple equation. It's as if eating less shit does what you want it to do. It's so odd. So odd. Right.

Uh-huh. Watch your beef, because you teased it earlier. I feel like I might know what it is. Oh, right. So, Chris has got a bad neck. He's always got a bad fucking neck. Well, actually, because you've got a bit of scoliosis, haven't you? Got a bit of scoliosis going on?

I found out. I found out. I think we've said it before. I'm scolioed. I'm scolied up. Yeah, just a little bit. Can't lean back. You know when you lean back with your spine and you can arch your back?

Oh, you did it a few weeks ago. Horrible. It's fucking awful to watch. I bend at the hips and I'm just straight. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, like this lamp here that i'm next to which doesn't work because we're on an audio medium but uh yeah i just bend back like a foley ruler at school something bad about that you know it would be a lot sexier if you were

a bit more flexible why don't know just think it'd be nice right you obviously haven't seen his own round on the mat your hips are good hips don't lie um so ch Chris has got a bad neck and he's got a bad neck currently because he keeps doing flips on the trampoline which I've told him stop doing flips on the trampoline because if you break your neck or if something happens you could die and we've got a lot going on at the minute.

Nothing to do with care or love for me just because we've got loads going on. One, you're wrong. It's not off doing back flips. You actually said the other day Cair neu ffwrdd i mi, oherwydd mae llawer o beth yn digwydd. Un, rydych chi'n anghywir, nid oes o ddweud bod yn gwneud backflips. Fe wnaethoch chi ddweud y diwrnod y llaw. Mae o ddweud bod yn gwneud backflips. Y backflips, gallaf ddod a chynnal bob amser. Beth sy'n digwydd yw, rwy'n ymdrin yn ymlaen pan rwy'n gwneud backflip.

Rydw i a Robin yn gwneud ychydig o'r ddau yma yma. Rydyn ni'n mynd ar y trampolín ac yna'n mynd ac yn ddod a chynnal ar fy ngwaelod ac yna'n cymryd yn ôl ac yn sgwrn. Rwy'n mynd i'r ysgol ac yna'n cymryd a chynnal ar fy ngwaelod ac yna'n cymryd yn ôl ac yn mynd. Yn wir, nid wyf yn hapus. Ie. Roedd hynny'n wych iawn. Mae'n hynod o hwyl. Mae'n hynod o hwyl. Ond stop yn gwneud hynny. Rwy'n ymdrin yn ymlaen pan rwy'n ei wneud. bouncing back up but shouting I'm going to bed and then landing on my back and then bouncing back up going actually I'm not tired it was fucking great it was really fun

but I tense up when I do it you're going to hurt yourself right the problem is the problem is right Robin we've got a trampoline in the garden and Robin's got

he goes to a trampoline in class and I sometimes stand and watch and the bloke who does it he's very good oh my god the most graceful man I've ever seen

on a trampoline in my life but he's you know he's a bit bigger than me like he's a bit I wouldn't walk past him and think he's really good. Oh my God. The most graceful man I've ever seen on a trampoline in my life. But he's a bit bigger than me. I wouldn't walk past him and think he's really good at the trampoline. Well, that's the thing. He doesn't look like it. And again, one of the choreographers on Strictly is, he didn't look like he was going to be an amazing dancer. And he started moving.

And I was like, you must absolutely wipe the floor with everyone at weddings. They look so unassuming. And this guy's exactly the same. Rosie, did I tell you? The trampoline instructor I caught is filming him. No, why arenaethwn i ddweud wrthych chi, bod y gweithiwr trampolini yn ffilmio'r cyfarfod? Nid. Pam mae'n ffilmio? Oherwydd roeddwn i'n ei anfon i'r ladau. Roeddwn i'n sgwrsio gyda'i ffrindiau,

ac yn dweud, dwi wedi cyfarfod y trampolini, ac rwy'n gweld y ffermwr. Dwi'n gwybod, dwi'n gweld. Mae plant yn ymwneud â'r ffermwr. Roeddwn i'n ffilmio'r ffermwr. Roeddwn i'n ei anfon i'r ladau. Roeddwn i'n ei anfon i'r ladau. Roeddwn i'n gweld, roeddwn i'n gweld. Roeddwn i'n gweld, roeddwn i'n gweld. Roeddwn watch him do stuff and i come back and i try it i don't even watch rob i don't know how robin's getting on in that trampoline class i watch the guy but i see him do stuff and i think

right i'll go and i'll come back just do it once the tv show is done once honestly 10 years time because this will probably be done by then why everything no but we're doing this with everything we'll have tried i can't do anything you don't let us go up ladders right you won't let us do we're self-employed chris you're self-employed if something happens to you you've got no fucking insurance i have literally got insurance we've literally got not pay it's not no no well just stop it right well it would help me school yours this is probably good for me no like i don't want to be in years to come. Like, why did you feed your husband all these meals? Because he was playing

on the trampoline. Do you know what I mean? If it was something good though. What an extremely grim picture of our future you just painted in just a few words. If it was something good,

if it was something worthwhile and I thought I was proud of him that he's done and this has happened or like a fatal accident, not on the fucking trampoline, Chris. Right, okay. Have a bit of respect that he's done and this has happened. Right. Or like a fatal accident. Right. Not on the fucking trampoline, Chris. Right, okay. Have a bit of respect.

No more backdrops. Thank you. I'll just do backflips. Front drops, seat drops. I can do seat drops with a twist. I can do seat drop two, front drop two. Stop.

Nobody cares. What's your beef with me? Can't believe you let us go on that long. Okay, my beef with you is, right, and I wrote down exactly what happened here. The other day,

you were in a bit of a bad mood stomping about. It's not like me. Right, not like you at all uh g1 obviously hashtag g1 you were stomping about uh and i thought i'll make this better here and i was like look are you all right and you went no not really and i went right look would you like a cuddle and i quote as i wrote it straight down because it was pretty hurtful, your exact words were, no, no, Chris, I do not want a cuddle. I don't even want to be touched today. Dot, dot, dot, little pause.

So don't even try. And then he walked away. And it's just a lovely little vibe to have in the house. It's a nice energy, nice energy to be around. Honestly, some days I just don't want to be touched. I read something on the internet a while ago about mothers just being like oversensitized. And I never realized, I never knew it was a thing.

And I always wondered why I felt by the end of the day, just like, oh God, like, do you know what I mean? Don't, like if you hugged us in bed and that, I'd be like, oh, fucking hell. It's because I've just been touched all day, just all day, nonstop. And sometimes I just, I just don't want anyone to fucking touch us.

Anyone? Anybody? Anybody. Especially you. Husband. And you wonder why I'm seeking solace in trampolines and jujitsu. Do I go to jujitsu?

Do you know why I go to jujitsu? Because I get physical contact with other humans. Oh, God. Good, good. Because then you don't come home and crave it from them. Bloody good cuddle with the lads in my keys, right? You just love a cuddle, though. You would cuddle me all the time.

I thought I was a cuddler until I met you. You are borderline bloody... Cuddle Chris. Mr. Cuddle. You love a cuddle? Captain Cuddle. Captain Cuddle. Who's Captain Cuddle?

I'm just made it up. Me? Captain Cuddle. Captain Cuddle. He's a hero. You're going to get depression down to zero. Hey everyone, it's Captain Cuddle. Arms wide open. Not a day. Oh look, it's his arch nemesis. Don to zero. Hey, everyone. It's Captain Cuddle. Arms wide open.

Not today. Oh, look. It's his arch nemesis. Don't touch me today, woman. Not today. Not ever. Get away, Captain Cuddle. Come here.

Should we make a YouTube video? No, I can't be arsed. Right. Oh, speaking of can't be arsed. Aye. Hang on. I recorded you earlier on Oh Jesus

Because Oh God You're such a miserable bastard and I just knew that your answer would be miserable I asked Chris

if we could record the podcast outside Oh you were recording this I hate it when you do this I asked Chris because I knew I just knew

he'd be like no we can't Because you knew it was a stupid idea you can't record a podcast outside But you give such a long mansplplaining reason.

Right. I'm on my laptop. Are you typing? Crikey. You break the bench. I went to the utility. Question. Can we...

Thank you. Can we do the podcast outside today? Er, no. Why? Cos the sound will be weird. Be nice if they don't hear the birds. I think they'll do it with their fucking heads in and I think if there's any wind on the mic,

we'll not know until it's done and then we'll send it to Daisy and she'll go, oh, there was a load of fucking echoing and wind and it sounds terrible, you're going to have to do it again. We go, OK, we're going to have to go down and do it tomorrow I get it I know it's a lovely idea

but how about we sit and we just fucking lash it out and then we sit outside for half an hour I knew you'd say that one I fucking knew you'd say that one because it's super I didn't know

it's windy such a dick alright alright eh no and he has white but do you know what it is right it's because you like you and your mom are so weird.

My brain works quite quick, and I go straight. Obviously, I catastrophize, so I go straight to the worst possible thing, which would be it fucked up, and we'll have to do it again. But you and your mom say yes and get buzzing about something before you've even surveyed the land. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's so weird.

Poor positivity, Chris. No, but it's just like, just so fucking like, just so strange. Like, I don't know, I can't think of an example to top me off,

but something like you'd be like, oh, ma'am, why don't we pack some massive bags now and walk down to the beach and we'll have like a massive picnic at the beach and she'll go,

oh yeah, that'll be great. And then you realise that you don't have bags big enough. It's too late to walk down. It's actually not picnic weather. You don't really have big enough it's too late to walk down it's actually not picnic weather you don't really have

any food and you've actually both just had your tea but first the first answer would have been yeah definitely and then all of the

but where is that it's not it's a stupid way to live and you're wasting time and I got from A to B there and I nipped in the bud and I think and here we are

recording it inside so I fucking won anyway didn't I listen do you want to cuddle no not surprised Captain Cuddle sens? Listen, do you want to cuddle? No. Not surprised. Captain Cuddle sensed that you didn't want to cuddle.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

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playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public quiddles from the peedles

peedles peedles quiddles from the peedles renamed it still mixing it up I like that

220 quiddles from the peedles just when you think you've heard it all there we go

say fresh fresh and so clean as always if you'd like to get in touch, it is shagged marriedannoyed at gmail.com Dear Rosie and Chris, a long time listener, first time emailer.

I have an ick. Love an ick, love an ick, love an ick. Currently on holiday. I'm very excited for my holiday. That's why I read this. I've said that so many times today, it's starting to do me headache. It's just because you're not coming. So... People watching watching so sorry currently on holiday people watching on the beach and that's thankfully that's not the year they're putting okay see a fully grown man having his sun cream put on his front for him by his partner what the fuck you lazy bastard why in capital letters that is i get that why i've seen so many men of a

certain age whose wives are putting on the cream on the front for them why because they just because i don't know weird wouldn't catch people our age doing it or younger nah it's very much an it's very much an older thing really yeah horrible that, horrible. That's really strange. If you said to me, put my cream on my front, I'd be like, absolutely. Well, if you were putting... Cream your tits, mate. Cream your own tits.

If you were creaming my back and you started going around the front, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, I know. I'd push you away. I'd be like, get off this people looking. What the hell? It's still caressing.

Yeah. I've seen it. I actually have a memory of somebody with a hairy chest and someone doing it oh do you know what makes me feel violently sick

wow sun cream right and people putting it on when they've got loads of rings on ah yeah yeah yeah no I don't like that at all just putting loads on

with all and all and their rings and that just like sun cream in itself makes me really really anxious I hate it I don't mind i

think it smells nice i hate it like i like the sort of mist spray but i know it's not as good but like i've got a thing as well about sun cream and getting in a car you've got a thing about creams or like grease and creams in general it's like this morning i was taking the kids to me mom and dad's and you were like put some some cream on before they go. Immediately, I just thought of like creamy cuffs on seats. Yeah, yeah. I can't. Right, well,

great, because we're kids are going to come back with third degree burns. Where do you think we are? The fucking... Well, Venus.

The sun's the sun, right? Your mum... Right, great. Okay. Right. Robin, Rave, time to put your cream on. No. Okay, all right. Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Don't worry. Robin, Rave, time to put your cream on. No.

Okay, all right. Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Don't worry. It's just a little bit of burn. Your mum and dad will take care of you later. No. It's fine.

They'll have time. I told them to put it on them. They'll put it on them. I told them. And it's the spray, so it's a piece of piss. Yeah. Good. Robin now wants to put it on Rave all the time, which is...

That's quite cute. It is cute, but it's irritating, isn't it? Because it's like, all right, go and put it on him and mess his body completely got it all over the floor it looked like everlasting bird shit the other day

I had to go and hose it up babadoo babadoo babadoo dear Chris and Rosie please keep me anonymous you're literally the only people I can share this with as well

you'll see last weekend my mum hosted lunch at her house myself girlfriend and dog all arrived

and were milling around the kitchen waiting for my brother and family to arrive. My mum joined and the conversation was normal, asking about our weeks and what we had been up to. At some point, by the way, I think this is a same-sex couple, this is a lesbian couple.

Okay. I still can't get around, I'm still reeling off the phrase my mum hosted lunch at her house. I know, it's lush that, innit? What do you mean? She hosted lunch? Just had everyone round for lunch. What, them two and the dog? No, and then her brother was I know it's lunch, isn't it? Hosted lunch? Just had everyone

round for lunch. What, them two and the dog? No, and then our brother was coming. Oh, right, okay. Just hosted lunch. I've never heard it said like that. Because we're common, Chris.

We had dinner with my mans. We're very common. Yeah. People speak like this, you know, in real life. Hosted lunch? Yes. People sometimes say

we hosted lunch. Really? Yeah. Oh, God. We don't talk like that. We say we had everyone round. Fosgran. Fosgran.

Or bait. Everyone round the stuff, their fieses. Had a bottle of Sibutiola. What's that, Chris? Marketing. Okay.

At some point, I bent over to remove the dog's lead and harness and felt i was being dry humped from behind thinking it was my girlfriend messing about i laughed but then i looked up to see my girlfriend stood in front of me looking horrified i was dry humped by my own mum the shame i don't know what she was thinking it's never happened before and was quite out of the blue we laughed it off at the time but the trauma is real now whenever my girlfriend and i are debating who needs to do something around the house she taunts me with did i get bummed by my mum though it says at the end please adopt me oh bummed by your mom oh bless oh wow that's terrible that why has she done that i don't i just bent over i've been like i don't think i'd ever recover from that no but, but, well, your mum would never do it.

My mum would possibly do that. I will probably do that when I'm a mum. But these are the kind of people who say, my mum hosted lunch. I don't think she does this kind of thing. Right, yeah. I wonder whether the mum has seen it some way and thought it's like a fun thing,

like a viral thing. It's what the kids do. A prank, yeah. Yeah, rather than it's an action it's a sex act you know what i mean i think i don't think anyone's that stupid i think everyone knows what humman is you never know wow hello came out of my garden this morning to see my neighbors had put a new sign up on their pagoda. What's a pagoda? Pagoda?

Pagoda. Pagoda. Pagoda. Why is this episode, why is this episode shaming me for being working class? We've got a pagoda. What the fuck's a pagoda? It's like the wooden thing, man.

Oh, the thing at the top that the birds sit on and shit a big line of shit on the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, okay. And Robin hangs on like monkey bars. That's it. Pointless. So it says, I put the sign up with the perfect view

from our back door. Thoughts, right? I'll tell you what it says. The sign, it's only small, right? It's just like a little one. So probably, what's that size?

You're holding your hands about the size of a... Half an ear four. About the size of a letterbox. Yeah, about the size of a letterbox. And it says on the thing, posh other next door. That's what it says.

Fucking shots fired. And it's faced into their garden so they can sing it. She's put, friendly with these neighbours, we'll have a chat occasionally, but not friends. Completely out the blue.

They're like devastated. Wow. That is a, that's a dig. Isn't it? Because I was, when you first said it, I was taken aback because does it mean...

Does it not mean that their house... Do they not mean that it's posher than their own house? That's the joke. That it's their little outside bit and it's better than the inside bit. Is that the joke? Or does it actually mean posher than the next door neighbours? I don't know. I couldn't put that...

I'd have to knock on them and explain the joke. Yeah, but why have they put it up? And it's so obviously like facing into their garden. Wow. This little sign saying posher than next door. Posher than next door.

As in like they are posher than them. That is a fucking... So weird, isn't it? That's really snide. That's how good you'd be. That's really snide. It's not throwing your grass cuttings over their fence.

I know. Fucking hell. I know. Wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, we are a group of four friends sat around drinking and talking about

embarrassing stories involving our kids and sex lives. And I continued to tell them how my two boys found my dildo one day and came down the stairs waving it about. Crikey. I told them it was a model of Daddy's Willie from his vasectomy operation he had,

which they bought. Why would you? I don't understand why you would make a model. Oh, that's so good. Very quick, very quick. Yeah, you know, in a few years, they're going to go, oh, that wasn't a model of Daddy's Willie, was it?

Yeah. You touched it. Yeah. My friend it. Yeah. My friend continued to tell us a story of how her mother-in-law, early 50s, lost her husband, in brackets, the same age. And the day after he passed, the whole family gathered around her bed and consoled her. All grown-up children and partners, in brackets, six of them,

were crying and cuddling her when she decided to grab the tin of mints from the bedside table and offer them round when she quickly realised it didn't contain mints it had her dead husband's cock ring along with some mints imagine imagine why were they all around her bed well because her husband's just died well she's just not

ill though no I know well she might excuse me if you think I'm not having a week in bed when you die you're joking aren't you

you only asked about the insurance you'll be down at the fucking bank you you've got to look upset no but imagine being like

he was just so lovely so very young being like, it's just so lovely, so very young actually, 50s, it's awful. That's tragic. But then, anybody for a mint? Oh, wow. We've been talking a lot.

Sorry, who keeps your cock ring with a mint? Who's got cock rings? Well, people have got rings. Have you got a cock ring? No, I haven't got a cock ring. What do they do again? It depends what kind

you buy what do you mean from I've never been in a sexual listen I'm quite experienced but I've never been

in a sexual encounter with a cock ring tell me about cock rings Chris have you ever used one welcome to my TED talk about

cock rings yes but they're basically have you used one get one tell oh god you're thinking over're basically have you used one see and get one tell oh god you think you know someone

when have you used one so who whisper hey no tell us stop it stop it he's grinning like a

checkered little cock just remembering the good times so it's it depends so there can be I'm joking man it depends

so they can be placed sort of man it depends so they can be placed sort of half way down to get like a little ridge so there's like a little you know a bit of what's the word

a change in what texture right so like there's a little like a little speed bump or I think they'll be put right at the base

and someone's got a little vibrating thing on them remember the man Durex brought them out and they had a little vibrating thing on them and they vibratedurex brought them out and they had a little vibrating thing on them? They vibrated.

I remember. So who's that for? That's for the woman? For both. When you've been using them? Listen, I'm not talking about this on the podcast, right? I need to know those separately. I think it's when they came out years ago, man.

You mustn't have liked it because you've never... No, they're rubbish. ...used the tins. No, they're absolutely rubbish. It's enough rigmarole going on. I know, I just don't I know I just don't understand I just don't understand I don't understand

how people are using all of these toys in the throes of passion like putting like I've said it before like fucking like a sniper like opening his case

and screwing all the bits out of his gun do you know what it is time yeah got a lot of time but it's yeah

I wouldn't be keeping it with my mints I would not be keeping it with my mints why if it's been around you know I would not be keeping it with mints. Why? If it's been around, you know... I mean, how much are you washing it before you put it in with your mints?

I mean, if you just put that straight in, you're basically sucking yourself off, essentially, if you're going to have one of them mints. And also, mints... Will it not sting if it gets all mint on it? Will it not get a bit cold? Like tea tree. You know when you get a bit toothpaste on your cheek

and you go outside and the wind hits in you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there you go. Well, well, well. Learn some things from every day. Anyway, those four legends are coming to Bournemouth on the 20th of November. So we'll see you then.

Cock rings on. Yeah, get your cock rings on, lasses. Do you want to hear something disgusting? Always. Okay. Do you want to sing the shit song? Yes Let's talk about shit baby Let's talk about poo and wee

Let's talk about all the good shits And the bad shits that have been Let's talk about shit Let's talk about shit Let's talk about shit Shagged, married and shit No, don't ruin it No, sorry

Dear Rosie and Chris Who fancies a let's talk about shit story? We do We do To set the scene I am from Newcastle But was living in London at the time I was working at a make-up store on Oxford Circus

And travelled to work via the tube. It was 6.55am and I was heading into work to do the stock take in brackets. Grim. Got ya.

Stock takes. I remember. Especially makeup as well. There's loads of tiny little boxes. I remember doing stock takes in a lot of my jobs and actually not doing them properly

and thinking what's the point? But they took them very seriously. Everyone listening to this now knows that you would have made a dog's arse of a stock take. We all know you. But I was in Clark's the other day getting some shoes for Robin.

And the girl went back, like, three or four times. And she kept coming back. And she was like, oh, I can't find them. These are supposed to have Velcro, but they've got laces and blah, blah, blah. And she was basically just describing the back stock room to us. And I wanted to cry for her. Because i remember when i worked in all sports the fucking oh when the shoes were in the wrong place oh my god stock rooms in general shout out to anyone in shoe places and shoe shops oh just crazy back there carnage yeah yeah when i worked at the

gadget shop the stock room, miles away. Really? Miles away, Chris. It's because the metro centre is a little warren out the back. It was Eldon Square, actually. All right, okay. Wash your mouth out. Love them both, the metro centre as well.

I did work at the metro centre, but very briefly. It was miles away. Anytime I had to go, I was like, I'm devastated. Well, he was going in the gadget shop though

and going, you got one of these out the back. You got a different one out the back. Yeah, true, true, true. Right, okay. So heading to work to do the stock take.

Upon exit in the tube station, I saw the worst sight I've ever seen and something I will never, ever unsee. Okay. I Googled this, right, which is horrific because our Google history must be v god yeah i dread to think like we'll probably get arrested one day honestly but i googled it because i was like is this like an urban myth is because sometimes people are weird and send us stuff that's like being on the telly

or something right and then we read it out and someone some people are like that's you know we're not across all the media so sometimes when i get sent something like this i'm like i'm gonna check that that's yeah but this is good rosie good journalism thank you well done just came up with a little pound a lot of porn sites great so anyway there in the middle of oxford street in broad daylight was a man standing next to a bin with his pants and boxers around his ankles arse cheeks spread and an empty empty, in brackets, not for long, little Fanta bottle wedged up his hole. Shut the fuck up. Now, you may judge,

but when I say something as horrific as this, my first reaction is to, unfortunately, is to freeze and just let my eyes take it all in. Wow. So she's like froze on the spot, right? Why did the man have the neck of a fanta bottle up his arse i hear you ask no well after my eyes adjusted and i came to terms with what i was saying it all got worse no i'm not no i can't i'm going in my head i out of the man's arse

into the fanta bottle came yellowy. No. Diarrhea. This filled the two litre bottle up a good half way. Oh my God. Oh God, it's a two litre bottle. Two litre bottle? Before she'd put two little Fanta bottle, not litre. Oh.

Right. Where's this? Oxford Circus? Oxford Street, apparently. Pick it back, Liam! Okay, so... Busiest street in London. This filled up the two-litre bottle a good halfway. He then proceeded to remove the newly-worn bottle from the grip of his angry arsehole

and put it in the public bin next to him, pulled his pants up and walked away. I was new at my job, I didn't feel comfortable sharing this story with my colleagues. So I had to go about my ten hour shift like nothing had happened. Hey, hey, hey, I was just,

I was just, it was bug, fan of bottle, sorry, what's your name again? Someone from the back, someone from the back going,

oh, it's fan of Fred out already, is he? Fan of Fred. I haven't seen him for a while. Curveball here for you.

Yes. I do believe that he may have just actually douched his arse out with Fanta. He may have squeezed a load of Fanta into his bum

and then squirted it back into that Fanta bottle in the middle of Oxford Street. And I'll tell you why I think this. Why? Because if you put a vessel

like a Fanta bottle, flush to an outlet, such as an arsehole, and turn it on full, the air inside is not allowing any diarrhea or anything else to go inside it. It's going to push it out. Right. So the bottle will need to be squeezed. To let it come out. To be be squeezed so there's no air in

so then put it flush i can't believe i'm literally scientifically just describing this yeah squeeze so there's no air in it then flush up to the outlet outlet let's say and in though you put it in yeah but flush to the tip yeah flush to the source yeah and then the stuff coming in replaces Ie, ond yn llwyr i'r... Yn llwyr i'r sws. Ie. Ac yna mae'r pethau sy'n dod i mewn yn cymryd yr a yw yna. Does hynny o ddweud? Ie. Felly, efallai ei fod wedi... Os nad oedd hi'n gweld hynny yn y cychwyn, efallai ei fod wedi... ...gwneud y cyfnod.

Neu, mae'n cael ei ddysgu. Neu, mae wedi gwneud hynny cyn hynny. Mae wedi gwneud hynny cyn hynny. Pwy byddai'n ei ddysgu yn y cyfnod y stryd? Fe wnais... Fe wnais... Dwi'n golygu, byddwn i byth yn rhoi ffant o bwtlau ar fy ngwch a mynd i wneud hynny. Yn amlwg, ond os oeddwn i wedi cael fy ngwch yn y cyfnod o Lywodraeth fel hynny, In the middle of the street. I would, I would, I mean, I would never stick a Fanta bottle up my arse and go and do that, obviously.

But if I was caught short in the middle of London like that, Oxford Street, I would just shit my pants. Yeah. I would just have to shit myself. I'd go and stand on my back against a wall and I would just shit myself.

Yeah. And I'd be like, right, now what? Now what? Okay, I kind of get what, right,

okay. He's done that before. He squeezed that, because that, it would have went everywhere if he hadn't squeezed that bottle. So there's your two options. He's done that before he squeezed that because that it would have went everywhere if he hadn't squeezed that bottle so there's your two options

he's done it before and he squeezed it or he's actually just squeezed a load of Fanta up his arse and then shot it back out and put the thing in the bin and his kick is doing it

in public probably there are some fucking maniacs out there that is and London I bet you no one stopped.

No, I know. I bet you she was the only person watching that. Yeah. God, I love how everyone just gets on with it. He would have a crowd bigger than one of our arena shows

if he did that in Newcastle. Imagine. There'd be people everywhere. Fanta have lost a customer. Never had one since just never had one since the worst bit is because it's like sunny outside

I could bloody murder a Fanta now I do love a Fanta that hasn't put me off in any way alright okay let's get to the shop get with some Fanta do you want to drink

in your mouth or do you want to put it up your arse erm listen today I'll mouth it. Ah, okay, okay. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

I know I'm not exactly anonymous, but I have a story for you which will make you chuckle. Why are they not anonymous? You'll find out. Okay. Ten years ago this week, I was studying for my degree in Cambridge. Ooh, just want to drop that in there, did you?

Yeah. When me and a fellow student were given a tour around the city to prospective students, including the famous punting tours and the do-it-yourself punts. Do you know what these are? It's the boats. It's the boats, a bit like a gondola. Yeah, a punt. It's called a punt. Yeah, a punt for me.

A couple of American people in the group wanted to know in... Yeah, a punt. It's called a punt. Yeah, a punt for me. I'm rolling to Cambridge. A couple of American people in the group wanted to know how they could do this as a job during the summer break, as they didn't want to keep flying to and from America. When I asked the gentleman, I used this term loosely, how we could do punt chauffeuring during the summer, he pulled down his clearly

fake Ray-Ban sunglasses, looked me up and down, sniggered and said, sorry mate, but well clearly you have to be good looking for this job. Job even. And he laughed to his co-worker. Wow. Yeah. Mortified.

Yeah. Carries on. Mortified, we moved on with the tour. However, within a few minutes, my fellow student I was with was asking how I felt and I just laughed it off. She was clearly angry at him and what had happened. Explain to me that she was in her final year of journalism

and could she write an article on whether looks mattered in employment in 2013. Reading about the whole Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch and other industries I agreed and she wrote a lovely piece for the local newspaper and I was really pleased with it. This, mind you, a lovely piece for the local newspaper and i was really pleased with it wow this mind you was a saturday and the local newspaper article was in that day's paper

i read it and thought no more of it however oh god monday morning comes around and my phone starts going mad with messages from random people i've never met asking if they could talk to me about my article in the paper i spoke to a couple of different local reporters over the phone and thought that was it. I then went across to Tesco where I walked in and saw the newspaper stand and to my horror, I made either the front page or the first couple of pages inside with headlines including,

Man too ugly to punt. I then looked online and saw one paper and America even ran with the headline Punta Munda. Within days, I hoped it had died down, but I even got asked to appear on TV shows about it, including Katie Hopkins' TV show, was asked if I would be a mystery guest

on Russell Howard's Good News, and to top it off, I was a £10,000 question on the right show on Channel 5 with the question, show was asked if i would be a mystery guest on russell howard's good news and to top it off i was a ten thousand pound question on the right show on channel five with the question why was a student in cambridge told he couldn't be a punch over a can't swim b too ugly c scared of water even today if you type into google images who is too ugly in cam Cambridge my face comes up at the top I hope this has tickled your funny bones this is amazing

I had no idea about this and I still get people mentioning it mystery guest Russell Owens good news but listen right

I googled it I tried to key him out and he had to guess who they were yeah I googled it right I love the idea that he'd walk out

and Russell would be like well you're clearly not a model are you I mean Russell would never say that but yeah I googled it right

and this was from this is an is it excerpt excerpt is that right excerpt like a passage excerpt is probably

that's how it's written I don't think anyone pronounces the T oh fair enough. And the P, sorry. That's done really well. Well, this is from the Metro paper, right? Right.

A student has been refused a summer job punting tourists on a river because he is apparently too ugly. Ben Cronin applied for work on Cambridge's famous boats to fund his studies, but he was knocked back after staff allegedly told him he wasn't good-looking enough.

Now the 20-year-old faces a summer of bar work don't go in his boy put you off your drink stand outside and fire a fanter up your arse instead oh my god that's amazing yeah you've really threw me with that excerpt thing you do this all the time someone's going to come in and go well I have to apologise as well because I said coconut milk doesn't go in teas and everyone oh yeah

oh my god I got fucking inundated with pictures of coconut milk schooled excerpt excerpt it is a short extract from a film

broadcast or piece of music or written yeah I mean I think everyone says excerpt well listen I can listen hang on ready ready

excerpt alright Well, listen, I can listen. Hang on. Ready? Ready? Excerpt. All right. Okay. You go around saying excerpt all day and say what happens. That's how you pronounce it? Yes, but it's one of them dickhead things, though, isn't it? Excerpt. Excerpt.

It's one of them dickhead things, though, isn't it? Where when you say it, people will be like, oh, God, why are you saying that? Do you know what I mean? Very similar to expert, if you put it a different way. He just took away the C and moved the P. She's gone. Fucking words, mate. Well, speaking of words, I wrote this down.

I can't believe it came up in such a way where I can just segue into it. Wow. But we were in the green room after our TV show recording the other night, and I heard you saying to someone, Is it Sean Bean or seen bean oh right okay and i went so and i leaned in i went sorry and you went because chris we always say seen bean but is it seen bean or is it sean bean and i went well i'll say seen bean as a joke because i'm taking the make out of the spelling that certain spelling of sean and sean bean's name where it's spelled the same as bean so it's sean bean but it looks on paper to be seen being if you go with the rule of the but you were with dare i say it

the commissioner of the bbc going but is it is it seen bean or is his name sean? And I didn't know where to put myself. No, because I said to her, Seen Bean, and her face went weird, right? And I thought, that's a piss dick, that Chris does, and his name is not, but I've been saying Seen Bean for years.

You need to stop that. Or do you stop doing jokes? Because you'll drop them into normal conversation with important people. I thought that's how you pronounced it. No, it's short it's a joke

I've said that so much especially when Game of Thrones was on I'll have said how good scene beam no one's ever corrected it I love it

I absolutely love it and when he did that the other one recently when he was in prison I'll have said I'm sure I said Angela have you seen the one with scene beam have you seen the one with seen

seen been yeah maybe she hadn't seen the whole thing maybe she'd only seen an excerpt of it oh well done new words oh pinterest thank you what pinterest just keep emailing us going you've got a good eye i'm like thank you all right okay yeah i think that's that that's a generated they're not yeah i know but it's nice to know that somebody appreciates my, what's it called? Interior design. Right, okay. Good optics.

Good optics. Good optics. Good optics. They keep saying optics in succession and I don't know what it means. I think it's something to do with spreadsheets. Okay. Anyone who hasn't seen Success

and we haven't just sold it to you. You know, there'll be people out there now going, oh, I'm not watching that. It's just about spreadsheets, apparently. This makes sense. Right. Good optics used in the business world when activities might be good for publicity.

Right. There you go. So it looks good is what they're saying. Yeah. Just say it looks good, you fucking assholes. It's like saved, saved like cat from tree. It's got good optics. Right.

Is that the best one you've come up with? Listen, I'll be moving to America next week because I'll fit right in. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag the Married Annoyed, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed. Thank you very, very much. And as always, if you want to get in touch, shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and go and

scan and get on the NTA's website and give her a little vote. Oh, I'm just not that bothered if we win or not. I'm not that bothered about winning, right? But for us, for us, for Christmas Ramsey,

for Shag Mountain and Oid, if we end up on the shortlist, good optics. Really good optics. Well done. Mate, I was good to win. Are you kidding me? Good optics.

I don't think we'll win. There's some amazing shows that are long running. It's a hard category. Yeah, but you know, it'd be nice to get shortlisted and it's all in your hands. No pressure.

You know, think of the optics. You know? Thank you. So there you go. Sign out, Chris. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party

led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy thompson hall for tickets visit tso.ca rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale

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