Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 222. Double Cap

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

Chris and Rosie are feeling the heat on this week's podcast (well just Chris actually), so much so one of them is doing it in their underwear! They discuss sun cream, water bottles, holidays and lullabies. Beefs are train based and QFTP's involve a massage, tennis and wrong dog Rick. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and him, Chris Ramsey, off the telly. Him.

But me off the telly. But mainly me. I'm joking. Such a dick. Such a dick. Awful. Hi, everyone. Welcome back.

Hope you're all enjoying the sunshine. I am. No, fuck off. Don't. You can't. Stop it. Can't wait for a bit of cold. Looking forward to some rain.

Can't wait. A bit too much for me. Are you wait for a bit of cold. Looking forward to some rain. Can't wait. A bit too much for me. Are you taking the piss? Yeah, just trying to wind you up. It worked. It worked immediately. We're just annoyed because we've hardly sat in it. Busy, busy little babies.

Well, everyone is. Everyone's at work. So we're not really enjoying the sunshine, but it is lovely. I just find that. I am joking. I am joking. I love the sunshine. I feel like everyone's happy air and it's just great.

Oh my God. The depression in this country would be lifted massively if we got more sunshine I swear oh 100% but like it's lush but I just

there is a part I think I've said it before there is part of it that like I feel like you can't when you've got stuff to do like I'm really warm in this studio now

I'm really quite I'm quite uncomfortably hot right okay but you you're like some kind of fucking lizard you never get warm you're like Adam are you boiling hot now no right I'm quite uncomfortably hot. Right, okay. But you're like some kind of fucking lizard. You never get warm.

Adam? Are you boiling hot now? No. I'm uncomfortably boiling hot. I could live like this forever. Forget I lived in Rhodes for two years, Chris. Two years? I changed your whole fucking genetic makeup, did it?

That two years? I think you'll find, right? Just like the Greeks acclimatized. Right. Two years. And you've kept a hold of that. Christopher, let's finish let's finish what I'm saying end of August

beginning of September I had to put a jacket on right like the Greeks in roads in roads I bet you're sweating your tits

me too guys me too yeah Afghanistan Afghanistan Pauline oh hey Rosie

you are sweating profusely oh no that's just water I've climatised I'm like you, I'm one of you we're past the fucking sad city shut up man you liar if my relationship with my Greek lad

had worked out I could be living there now but I'm not so his loss was podcasting's gain well we were never really together I think he was just using us actually it's all a bit sad anyway good stuff oh yeah well bad times and uh what a way to start the uh it's episode two two two the angels are looking over where yeah this is good this is really good just how numbers work uh one more than last one one less than the next one um but yeah

without further ado well first of all obviously thank you so much for coming here. Thank you so much for listening. If you're new because of the TV show, welcome. Oh, hiya. You've got shit loads to catch up on. We talk utter, utter bollocks the entire time.

There's a large portion of it where we get locked down and we think we're really naive and think it's not going to last very long. And then you will... Oh yeah, that's if you're going back. Yeah, you will experience us having a nervous breakdown.

Yeah, there is a breakdown. Chris especially. There is a breakdown and then there's there's a baby there's all sorts i got i at one part don't want to give any spoilers away for anyone who needs to catch up but at one point i get almost sexually attracted to a bike um i've worn a bike so much that uh i mean there was nothing on us i was i was i was wasting away yeah i was doing 20 miles a day for a while i saw it this morning i went into the shed and i did see it it was like all right and i was i was i was wasting away yeah i was doing 20 miles a day for a while i saw it this morning i went into the shed and i did see it it was like you're right and i was like oh busy sorry not being back out on it have you you keep threatening to take rave out on the bike by threatening i mean in a good way because i'm like please just go out and put my little thing on the

back yeah okay i will do that just really quickly yeah a lot of people take their kids on bike rides which i'm very envious of because our Robin, he can't be trusted. He can't be trusted. He can't be trusted. He's going to oncoming traffic. He can't be trusted. What's wrong with him?

He's a fucking space cadet is what it is. He's our kid. What's wrong with him? That's his main problem. No, there's something, man. There's something up. I love him dearly

and God forbid if he ever listens to this, he'll be a lot older if he ever does. He's just a maniac. Honestly, I'm just waiting for the meeting. I'm waiting for that meeting.

The meeting at school but no no annoyingly I think he's brilliant at school oh right okay he's just an arsehole for us he holds it all in

at school and he comes over and he's like it's dickhead o'clock he just can't he just can't stand still he's never been able to and it's so funny

when I'm doing things with Rafe and Rafe does what you say and he can stand still and he can sit still and you go to Rafe you sit him somewhere and you go wait a minute sweetheart and he does yeah it and he can sit still and you go to rave you sit him somewhere and you go wait a minute sweetheart and he does yeah it's unbelievable and i'm like robin never you can't

even brush robin's teeth brushing robin's teeth is a nightmare he can't stand still he can't be quiet robin had brains until he was about four or five yeah because he just runs up into traffic like you said so i i honestly and book he's just delicious well they're both delicious but he is um he's graft he's absolute craft but if you are listening son we'll love you dearly we do love you dearly please don't listen to anything that i've said about my vagina or my past sex and sexual encounters because stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop are they ever gonna listen to this no No, the fuck. Are they ever?

No, we'll delete them all. Once we're finished, we'll delete them all. They'll not be asked by the time they're old enough. We'll remove them all from the internet. Yeah, yeah. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Listen, it's episode 222, Number of the Angels, apparently.

Bullshit. Something to do with Agranda. I don't know. Anyway, thank you for coming. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. We bloody love you. Without further ado,

it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is getting on a train when loads of people are getting on and standing in the aisle and sorting all your shit out

and making everyone wait you fucking arsehole you arsehole you know all of you

so many people do it we've been on trains so much recently I'm talking about when you get on listen to how you do it it, get on, take your bags on, store your bags, find your seat, sit the fuck down, put your bag on your backpack or whatever, on your knee, wait for everyone to get on, then do whatever you have to do, but oh no, some people out there, oh they get on, oh stand in the aisle, oh I'll put my bag there,

oh I'll take my jacket off, in the aisle, Oh, what's this? A queue of 45 people with luggage. No problem. I'm just taking my jacket off. Oh, me, me, me. Hanging the little jacket up. I'll open my bag. I'll get my devices out. I'll put... Sit the fuck down, you prick. It's a circle of shit of rude people.

Horrible. I just don't... So, when I was growing up, and I know that you're the same, my mum and dad couldn't get us out of people's way as quickly as get out of the way grabbing us

grabbing you by the scruff of the neck and being like move out of the way sit down and doing things fast get out of that person's way sit down watch out for me

being overly too dramatic like what's the word just ridiculous amount dramatic levels yeah of like well mannered likeered diving out the way of an

explosion yes right yeah but i don't think everyone's like that at all and i think if you've been brought up without that if your parents are the people who like take their time and do all that you're gonna do it and so it just keeps on going it's ridiculous there's a bloke the other day i got on the train he was honestly jacked off jumper off took his shirt in opened his bag got all his stuff out yeah put them all on the table there was a queue

I was standing with two suitcases behind him just looking at him and there's like three or four or five people behind me they've all got bags and everyone's trying to get on

and the queue's out of the door and he's just like jacket off took me shirt in laptop there plug that fucking sit on your knob do that when everyone's

found their seat but that's the thing if I wasn't on the telly I mean I have to hold it in and sometimes obviously it slips out but if i wasn't on the telly you would just see me up and i'd be that nutter from the train who shouts at people and calls strange as an arsehole are you fucking serious like i i but i have to hold me because it's like that guy if the telly's a knob being on the telly actually makes you a nicer person you would think it would be the other way around. I'm so much more

well-mannered because I know... And me as well. I feel like I have reigned in a little bit. Yeah, you've made us... Yeah, yeah. But it's that thing of I know that everyone,

you know, you lose your rag and you just say, you know, a couple of minutes time it's going to be on Twitter. Chris Rams just lost his rag on the train.

Yeah, but now... Chill your beef. So that's the thing. See, I might get a disguise. I might get a disguise and go around in public just being a total dick to people. I think that would really help me

in the long run. I think that would help my mental health quite a lot okay i'm gonna do it jump on amazon get myself some yeah i'd rather you do that than have to leave the house and do brazilian jiu-jitsu so actually no no i'll just keep doing that i'll just keep doing that instead and uh and please i'd prefer you to refer to it as the proper name as cuddle club cuddle club thank you didn't go last night though, did you? I didn't. Organised to go and then you were too tired

for Cuddle Club. Organised to go and then I went to put Ray off to bed and I sat there and I thought, I'm a fucking idiot. I did a TV show yesterday.

Why am I doing this? So it started at 8 o'clock. You were actually asleep by half past 8. I don't know what you were thinking about going there. I don't know. But listen,

lads, lads, I'll be back soon. Right? Captain Cuddle is on his way back to Cuddle Club don't you guys worry about it

right stop crying lads stop crying dry your eyes on your little geese dry your eyes oh

shall we play the jingle let's let's play the I'm fucking sweating by the way it is hot do you want this nah bring out you wanna open the window

that'll make it hotter buzzing for autumn buzzing no don't don't we had a fight about the jingle jingle. We couldn't

settle on a jingle jingle. So this is the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. Jingle! Hello and welcome

back to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid. I'm also actually videoing this right now because Chris has stripped off. Listen, it had to be done. It's almost. I've got Y-fronts on as well. Naked. Why have you got Y-fronts on? Just sometimes when you're wearing shorts and stuff, Y-fronts are just better.

Get the camera off us, man, for God's sake. I've got nothing on. When you've got a... By the way, this is so unprofessional. Right. I just want to put that out there this is this is not a good working environment

I'm not happy about this sweating your tits up all over say bye bye I'm absolutely dying I'm so hot but yeah

when you sometimes just for gentlemen out there do you agree I just feel sometimes that a pair of Y fronts are just better in the summer

because they keep everything in you don't get any sweaty bollocks sticking to your legs and i think boxers are mental because that's really strange why i would never wear a pair of boxers i am becoming shorts so i got i became y front guy for the gym i was like i'll use y fronts for gym obviously brazilian jiu-jitsu keep everything in the way and sometimes even you wear like a cup not really in training but sometimes in case you get an accidental knee in the tiddler and now I'm becoming Y front guy in real life apart from when it's really cold

because I feel like a little pair of boxers would you relax you're sitting up all straight I'm tense and really I'm tense and I'm holding it Christopher

why are you tense and for me what if you leave what if you leave what if I mean not because you see your partner naked and you see your partner with her top off now and then

but you're gonna this is a couple hours you're gonna be sitting in front of me now. Christopher, I'm sorry, we've been married for nearly 10 years. We go on holiday every year. We live in a house together. We have sex. I see you with your top off quite a lot. We have never had sex.

Don't you dare. Don't you dare slander on this podcast. I'll have to put all my clothes back on before I go downstairs because the kitchen's getting ripped out. Oh, yes. Do you know what it is? So we're getting the kitchen's getting ripped out. Oh, yes. Yeah. Do you know what it is? So we're getting our kitchen done.

We're getting a new kitchen. And I've only ever had one other new kitchen in my entire life, and I swear. Oh, check it. Oh, privilege. Oh, my second new kitchen. All right, Jesus. I'm joking.

It was in the last house. But I'm just loving your kitchen. Well, there's something cool about getting your own space. Something unbelievable. Because you spend all your fucking time in the kitchen. Oh,'s like it's it's just class you're getting you get the planet out yourself where you want all your little sockets where you want everything and um i've actually i will have to keep popping down uh and checking on the guys ripping it out so i'm gonna have to pause it a couple of times because i need to find the optimum time to go in

and do my class joke that I always do. Oh God, no. Yeah, I know. He does. I might go down and do it with my wife. We've said it before but it was a while ago.

Do we remind them? Class joke. This is what he does every time that we've got people working at the house. So as soon as someone's ripping out all the stuff to put the new thing in,

you've got to time it perfectly. The minute they've just finished ripping all the old stuff out, you've got to go in and go, oh, actually, I think we'll keep it and then uh they look at you they force a laugh because they're working for you um you leave the

room they probably call you a cunt another breath yeah absolutely top notch comedy comedy from award-winning comedian chris ramsey uh who's who does podcasts in his kegs i don't know i'm so hot I don't know what's happening welcome back another thing that's happening this week so we're getting the kitchen done because we're getting the kitchen done I decided it would be a great time

to bugger off on holiday yeah so I am taking Rafe on holiday and I'm going with my mum and my sister and I can't bloody wait but if you do see Robin

our eldest don't tell him because he thinks that we're going to the lake district yeah so because if you told him there was a plane involved and a swimming pool

was involved he'd be absolutely raging I just do you know I don't he's at school anyway so he can't come but at the same time

I was one of three and if my if my mum or dad took one of my brothers and sisters on holiday without me yeah

oh oh oh shit would have hit that fan so I just don't think it's very fair so i'm just kind of like you know i might take him for a little day away at the weekend i might find a little hotel that's got a swimming pool he's got a lovely little time plan you're gonna play bloody minecraft so i told him because there's a telly in the kitchen that has to come out i told him that we can put that telly into the living room where there's already a telly in the kitchen that has to come out. I told him that we can put that telly into the living room

where there's already a telly. And his little head, his little face, his head nearly exploded when I said you can put two tellies in one room. And he went, what do you mean? And what he's going to do? I went, well, we'll play.

So we'll play, we've both got a Nintendo Switch. We'll play Minecraft together on the Switch. But you're looking at the little screen. But now he'll be on one telly and I'll be on the other telly. Right. And we'll be on the same game.

Can you promise to let him outside for a bit? You're going to come home to a little mushroom. Too hot. Too hot to go outside. Too hot. Bring on the other telly. Right. And we'll be on the same game. Can you promise to let him outside for a bit? You're going to come home to a little mushroom. Too hot. Too hot to go outside. Too hot. Bring on the autumn. Stay in. Curtains closed.

Stop it. Stop it. Fan on. I've got a fan. I'll put a box of ice. What I saw online. What do you do? You put a box of ice in front of the fan or something

and it blows all the cold at you. We'll be buzzing. I should do that on roads. I've got vitamin D tablets that you can have for his lack of vitamin D. That's awful. Shopping. Have you got anything else to talk about

oh we finished the TV show finished it thank you to everybody who watched the last one is on tonight if you

listen to this why did you keep interrupting it sorry Jesus sorry go on start again

have you noticed that you're doing that no leave it in leave it in I'm just so hot fucking hell I can't

I'm not even allowed to finish a flippin sentence sorry go no I'm really sorry right let me do

the thank you always do the thank yous sorry right Daisy fix all that no leave it in Daisy show him for the dickhead that he is up in sentence around here sorry go no I'm really sorry right let me do the thank you always do the thank yous sorry right Daisy fix all that no leave it in Daisy don't

show him for the dickhead that he is yeah thank you to everybody who watched and thank you for your lovely comments and to everyone who said that

me clothes look too big go fuck yourselves because I've got to sit on a sofa did that happen oh yeah I know you told us to stop reading the comments

on my Instagram fucking stop it man i know loads of people would like um just slagging off my clothes it's mental and then i'll go on their profiles and honestly chris ugliest sin ugliest sin terrible dress sense and i think you are a nutter so yeah anyway wow don't want to wait who wants to wear tight clothes on the telly probably people who are a size eight i'm not a size eight i like to be comfortable do you know what i mean yeah don't want me to splint spilling out my top that's not nice oh mate i think i looked lush so i don't think you look fantastic actually i did chris you did i looked bloody gorgeous i felt amazing so i

couldn't give a shit stop reading the comments i am I am. No, I have kind of stuff. And I know that's harsh because I know so many of you out there write so many lovely things. Because people do write lovely things and that's really nice. Yes, but it's just spoiled by, you know, like, right.

Oh, Chris, you didn't see their profiles. It's actually not spoiled. Yeah, but I don't go to my comments section, right? I don't go there because the odd one, I'll spoil it. Now, anyone listening could go, well, yeah, but there's loads of positive. Like, we write nice things.

It doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like work like that that's like saying do you want to go to that pub where most people are class but there's that one fucking nutter who throws bottles around yeah we won't go to that pub then oh but there's loads of class people there yeah there's that one fucking dick who throws bottles around so i'm not going to throw a bottle and he's aiming them at you yeah and he's aiming them just at you and everyone else now and then says something most of the time just ignores them so no you're very good at them analogies it's good man yeah I feel like my analogy power

goes up a couple of notches when I take my clothes off as well I'm just in my underpants just to update still in my underpants but yeah the TV show

was wonderful thank you to all of the guests who got involved all that it goes around if you listen to this on Friday before the TV show the final episode

comes on amazing guests we had Catherine Ryan and I fell on Bobby we had Catherine Tate reading why are you right spoilers it'll we'll have already announced oh yeah fair enough yeah fucking hell do you know this works ah dear nah katherine tate though reading please get me an unbelievable that way well that was so i had a little moment didn't i on the studio because i was like we started this podcast and we asked you beautiful people

out there to just send us some questions or silly stories. And it's got to the point where we're on BBC One and comedy legend, fucking national treasure, Catherine Tate is reading out disgusting stories sent in by you guys. It's amazing. Thank you. It's incredible.

But listen, let's crack on. Let's crack on, yeah. I feel like we're just talking about fucking shit we've been doing for so long. Listen, okay, okay. Yeah, like regroup. But just before we regroup, just to remind you,

still in me underpants let's go are you sweating like is it sweating I'm having a horrible time I'm still boiling you've got hairy arsehole you have haven't you

does that sweat we're still recording we're still haven't pressed stop did you hear me mouse click because we haven't pressed stop still recording no but blogs have got

proper hairy arseholes it's minging I think mine's not that bad yours isn't as bad Chris I've seen worse I can't remember the last time I saw my arsehole I've's minging. I think mine's not that bad. Yours isn't as bad. Chris, I've seen worse. I can't remember the last time I saw my arsehole. I've seen worse. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll probably do my annual squat over a mirror and have a good look. I'll have a look for you. Nah, I'm married. That's how I seen it the last time. Don't trust your opinion.

You can't wear clothes that fit. Right, let's... Can't be trusted. Sacra stylist. They've got a couple of them. Chris, your arsehole's tiny. Yeah, it's massive. She just doesn't know sizes.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Tiny little bit of housekeeping before we continue on. My episode of Who Do You Think You Are is on 20th of July. Ooh, about bloody time. Yeah. Obviously, I've renamed it because it's my episode. Who the fuck do you think you are? That's what mine's called.

And it's on at midnight on BBC4. No, it's on BBC1 at some point on the 20th of July. I'm in it a little bit. Rafe's in it a little bit. Rafe was horrendously behaved. Arsehole. Arsehole. No, he's just nothing like Robin

and he just doesn't like strangers. Plus he's locked down, baby. So suddenly there was... But I mean, there was like four people pointing cameras at him. He was just like, what the hell's going on? It was a lot. He must have thought they were ghosts and we couldn't see them because we were completely ignoring them. so suddenly there was but I mean there was like four people pointing cameras at him he was just like what the hell's going on it was a lot

he must have thought there were ghosts and we couldn't see them because we were completely ignoring them yeah it was it's weird it must have been strange

weird so we'll never be doing a TV show with Riff because he proved himself to be utterly shit on that day so ruined that ruined that for us

just so you heard yourself and you get one chance in this family one chance to turn it on and he didn't turn it on. And his clothes were far too fitted. I had him in baggy,

massive clothes. That looked like pajamas. That looked like pajamas. Is that what people said as well? Oh yeah, they looked like pajamas. I was like, isn't that the fashion though?

Who fucking knows? Listen, don't worry about fashion. But it was because they were like silky. Yeah. Oh, I'd love to,

I would fucking love to meet these people and go through the'd love I'd love to I would fucking love to meet these people and go through the road I would just I would just love like how lush

have you got to be right we're on this topic again by the way sorry about this but it just it gets us thinking right

unless you are Victoria Beckham Versace Got One yes stylist somebody like that right

how dare you comment on somebody's clothes to their face do it behind me back Versace. Got one. Yes. Style it. Somebody like that, right? How dare you comment on somebody's clothes to their face. Do it behind me back. I don't give a shit. Ring your mate. Message your friend. Tell them. Why are they going to tell me?

But, mate, genuinely, I looked class. Well, look at how upset people got about me socks on series one. Yeah, it's weird. Weird what people find. Whenever you go on the one show,

they're like, have you got socks on? Because people always tweet people haven't got socks on. Oh, well, hard weird what people whenever you go on the one show they're like have you got socks on because people always tweet people oh well hard fucking lines Christ very odd

I find loafers with socks more weird personally loafers with socks I find it a massive ick I find it a huge ick

yeah surely for the I remember my dad wearing loafers on holiday without socks he wouldn't wear

socks I mean that's not no I'm just going back sorry I love you dad your dad's brilliant but bringing Derek Winter's fucking fashion sense on holiday without you wouldn't wear socks I mean that's not no I'm just going back sorry I love you dad your dad's brilliant but bringing Derek Winter's fucking fashion sense

on holiday in the 90s into it basically puts the final nail in our coffin you baggy pyjama wearing fucking useless piece of shit that you are

why have we done that why have we done that you're on national television in your pyjamas is that what they said oh I'm gonna read these I actually quite like, don't. Just didn't want, honestly, just wanted to feel comfortable.

So, fuck off. Vote for the NTAs as well, apart from me. Oh, yeah, why not? In the pajama wearing category. You didn't even wear your pajamas on BB to see BB's bedtime stories. I don't know what you're doing them on our show for. I can't believe you wore your pyjamas. Oh, shut up.

Look across the table at me. Look at how professionally I'm dressed for this podcast. Well, I'll tell you what. Yeah. Nips out and all. The most expensive pyjamas that I've ever bought. Aye. Bloody hell.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's Your Beefity Beef Beef Beef? Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Lady first or me first? Oh, I've got a couple because you just reminded me of one when we sat down. Oh, shit. Okay. Then I've got a couple of spallion. Oh, no. Yeah. Okay.

I'll do mine first. Okay. So your water bottle that you've got there. Yeah. What is it? What make is it? You've had it for ages. It's a podium.

It's a camelback podium. It is a perfect one for biking and running because as you squeeze it, you get not just a little tiny little shitty sort of stream, like a tiny stream. You get a full-on gush of water. But it's a weird water bottle. It doesn't drip on out. It's just... It doesn't drip.

It's perfect. So you can squeeze it in. But it gets a lot of air. So what happens is whenever you take a drink out of it, if you leave it on the side, it just keeps going. Yeah. Do it now. Yeah, we'll do it. yeah in the mic so it's like so listen basically it's just a really noisy bottle it's ridiculous yeah

um you have started so as you all know chris and i bed hop 24 well actually chris bed hops i kind of stay quite set yeah yeah you've fucking set you've sorted that right out for yourself haven't you to be fair um so chris kind of bed hops because we're kids are dickheads and what what's the matter can you say

that oh god is that sweat yeah i thought that was from your bottle no oh christopher they're down the inside of my arms there is actual sweat dripping down

your arms it's not water it's sweat you oh your armpit hair's wet oh shit they're bad oh sorry you're just working out

what happens when someone's hot I know I don't think I've ever looked that much at your pit on a hot day ew soaked up man it's boiling in here it's not

I'm alright how are you alright am I dying maybe I might be dying no fingers crossed wow that was awful.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. So, yeah, so you keep drinking your water bottle, right? And then have you noticed... Well, can I do me beef? Yeah. Are you... Honestly.

Sorry, go on. So, you walk from our bedroom to go to Robin's bedroom in the middle of the night. Yeah. And you walk past Rafe's bedroom door. You take the biggest gulp of that bottle and it walk past Rafe's bedroom door and you take the biggest gulp of that bottle

and it is the loudest noise, right? And every time you do it, I've been meaning to tell you for months, every time you do it, he stirs and I'm like,

he's going to wake him up by drinking out of a fucking bottle. So just stop drinking. Why do you do it as soon as you walk past his door? I'm just hydrating.

I'm just hydrating. Why am I being gaslighted? Gaslighted? Gaslit for hydrating. Gaslit. No, you can hydrate all you like. Either do it in our bedroom or in Robin's bedroom. Don't do it on the walk past the lightest sleeper's bedroom.

On the journey. On the journey. I need to hydrate along the journey. Have you noticed as well what I do? You know when it's doing the clicking in the middle of the night? Have you noticed what I do to stop it clicking? What? Have you noticed I just lean over and blow into it? I thought that was upsetting as well. I do you know when it's doing the clicking in the middle of the night have you noticed what I do to stop it clicking what if you notice I just lean over and blow into it

I thought that was upsetting as well I've never noticed that I go like that and I just blow into it and level it all out I've not noticed that but it's horrible

because sometimes you've done this as well you've took a drink of it before you've left to go into Robin's room and then I'm trying to fall back asleep and all I can hear is

really and I'm like this fucking bottle! It's the pain of my life. And another thing about it, you screw the lid on too tight so I can't ever wash that so it sits by the sink.

Right. Whatever, it just lives by the sink. That might be why I'm ill. Thinking about this, I might be getting there might be some bacteria I'm not washing it.

I genuinely, do you wash that with soap? Sometimes. Do you just take the lid off? If it's next to the sink, I imagine it's being washed. No, I you just take the lid off if it's next to the sink I imagine it's being washed no I can't take the lid off

might be why I feel a bit like shit great might be why I'm really warm I might be I might have started like the last of us might be living in my bottle there this might be the start

you should probably take it apart it'll be mould and everything oh your mould listen what's your other beef your mould toss bag

I'm waiting for it for next week. Oh, right, you're saving it up. All right, then. Okay, okay. I'm going to pick which one I want to. I'm wasting my beefs, Jesus. Okay, then. Okay, all right.

Well, what I'm going to do is, look, I'm just going to control and X, which is cut. Oh, I hate that you know them. Oh, does that upset you? I hate... Control and V, which is paste. I know that one. Command and Q, which is close notes,

back on the pages. Control and C, that's copy. Oh, that's in bold. So Command and B, get that out of bold. Chris knows all of the shortcuts on a, what's it called? Keypad. Fucking hell. Not only are you stupid for not knowing them,

you're stupid for not knowing what a keyboard is. All right, then. My Beef With You. Oh, keyboard. Yeah, my Beef With You you this week it's train based as my sponsor was train based great we were running late

for the train on Sunday to go down for the final show because we were recording on a Monday we were running late in Newcastle something happened in Newcastle there was loads and loads of don't you dare say what I think you're going to say

what well oh about boxing oh sorry no interrupting are we no it's got no you finished talking it's called a conversation dickhead we were running late we were driving there you were

running late i was ready brilliant uh we were driving there and there was inexplicable amounts of traffic in newcastle i don't know why i know what what it was. What? Sam Fender and Pink had concerts the night before. It was everybody going home. Through Newcastle City Centre? Yeah, who'd stayed over, possibly, and then going back travelling. That's what it would have been. There would have been an extra, like, 50,000 people.

What, driving all into Newcastle City Centre? Yeah. Why? To get home. But his gig was in Newcastle City Centre but they might not have stayed there they might have stayed

over the bridge it's cheaper it's got something so why would they be driving back no no why would they be so if they stayed

in Dated because they could be driving through to go to Scotland or something I'm not having it you go to A1 you don't go through

the city centre well I can't think of what else it could have been that was the only two things Pink was there and they were both

in stadium so there was loads of people yeah but they weren't all going to the Newcastle city centre in the car the next day is my point

and don't say they were going to the train station because they've got cars okay fair enough but there might have been travelling places it's got something to do

with it it had to be it was a Sunday what's wrong with everyone right I think that's absolute bollocks. Anyway, there was loads of traffic. So we were driving to the train station

and you said, if we were in a taxi, we would make this train because we could just jump out and leg it. I went, right. And then you went, why don't I just jump out and leg it and I'll go and catch our train

and you can get the next one. I thought, a bit unfair, but fair enough. So you jumped out, left all of the cases with me ran and got the all of them to mine and yours two cases okay ran and jumped on your train yes i had to get the next train on my own part the car up and everything get the next train yeah you phoned twice and text upwards of 10 times to make sure I had your case. It was fucking psychotic. I'm talking like,

I've got my phone, text, don't forget my case. Have you definitely got my case? Make sure you remember my case. Phoned us. Are you off the train yet? No. Remember my case when you get off.

Phoned us again. Are you off the train? Remember my case. I got in the hotel room. Have you got my case? It was, yes. Yes, I had your case. Right, okay.

I am, ooh, I'm triggered by this. Guys, she just threw a pencil at us. I'm triggered by this. And I've got no clothes on. One time, I went shopping with my mum and my sister. This must have been about 15 years ago, right? Before kids, everything. Went shopping.

I bought a lovely top. And I bought, well, I bought a couple of things, right? Yeah. And I had a few carrier bags. And my sister had a few carrier bags. We got mixed mixed up she ended up with one of my carrier bags right she left my carrier bag in a cafe right and it went the journey right and i was like never trust people with your stuff great and you're holding on to that from 15 years ago from a different person yes never trust people with your stuff i'm your husband you trust us to i know but sometimes

you're really forgetful. Don't leave it with us then. You can't have both. I couldn't have ran for the train. I really wanted to get on the train. Right. You can't have both though. It was...

I saved us like 150 quid that day. It was insulting. It was insulting. Trust me with your bags. Fair enough. And you did a wonderful job, but I was just double checking. Oh, thank you.

I was taking the bag onto the train and then to the hotel. I know, but in my defence, every time we get the train, here's another little beef ride. You know, you know, we get the train all the time. You know, you've got was taking the bag onto the train and then to the hotel. I know, but in my defense, every time we get the train, here's another little beef, right? You know, we get the train all the time. You know you've got to have the tickets ready. You're the ticket man, right?

In our relationship, you look after the tickets. We've got little jobs. I look after stuff. He looks after stuff. It's one of these little jobs. You're the ticket guy, right? Yeah. You never have them ready.

Well, only recently because I've started giving you grief and I'm like, why don't you, on the train, open up the tickets, have them ready for when we go through the turnstile. And every time we get there and you go, I'm like, well, why didn't you have them ready? So, no, I did not trust you with me bag, actually. Will you put that pencil down before you go to sleep?

No, honestly, mate. I'm going for it. Are you still dripping with sweat? I'm dripping with sweat. I'm going to have to go and get the towels from the bathroom next door. Oh, don't do that. Not the bathroom towel. I'm going to have to. and get the towels from the bathroom next door. Oh, don't do that. Not the bathroom towel.

I'm going to have to. I'll wash it. I promise. This is, honestly, this is like doing a podcast on the surface of the fucking sun. It's really not that hot. And where are we in Newcastle?

Shall I tell you the weather in London right now? Right away then. Come on. What's it currently now? Tell us what it is outside. So here it is 19 degrees. Right.

It's going to be warmer in here because this is the loft room so it's going to be much warmer. Oh my God. Do you know what it is in London right now? Yeah. 28 degrees. Right, it's going to be warmer in here because this is the loft room, so it's going to be much warmer. Oh my God, do you know what it is in London right now? Yeah. 28 degrees. 28, right. So we've got 19 here, 28 right.

Now let's quickly do what it is in my arse crack. I think it's about 47 degrees in my arse crack. Hey Siri, what's the temperature in my arse crack currently? To do that you need to turn off airplane mode disgusting this Friday

you must be very careful Margaret it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start out evil things of evil it's all

you know don't the first omen I believe the girl is to be the mother mother of what Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca.

That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for questions from the public Stop tapping that pencil Will you get rid of that pencil You just keep Stop trying to tell us what to do In the little break of recording

that we just have there guys Rosie just dropped something else and went What's wrong with me today I'm very clumsy I'm not even hot I went to bed last night before like me and Robin

went to sleep in our bed and you were up watching your iPad. Below deck. The noise. The noise you make. You drop something on the floor in the bathroom and you slam in the doors, clomping about. At one point you knock the lamp over. I opened my eyes and looked at you and you were holding the lamp.

I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you man? I find it worse when I'm trying to be quiet. It's horrible. Honestly, it's horrible. So cack-handed. I am loud, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, listen, I've got an ick for you.

Okay, oh wait, hold on. As always, if you want to get in touch at shagmountainauditgmail.com, go. This is really little ick. It just says, people singing a lullaby to their child, ick. It just says people singing a lullaby to their child. Ick. How horrible is that? I kind of get it. What?

They are a bit weird. They are a bit weird, a lullaby to the child. Have you ever sang to the kids? Why would I do that? I've got the worst singing voice in the world. You don't have to be able to sing a lullaby. I feel like they judge me. I feel like they look at us and be like,

oh, they out of tune, mate. Okay. There's been a song that's been really ruined for me, you know, a lullaby. You Are My Sunshine. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

This is really grim. I've never told you this before, but you know when I had the miscarriage? Yeah. You know the day that we found out? Yeah. Robin came home

and I sang it it i used to have me a little catalog of songs that i would sing him every night yeah and that was in it and i sang it and i was crying my eyes out because we just had a miscarriage and um and uh and i can't think anymore oh yeah and then i went to a funeral recently and we sang it at the funeral and i'm like this song is uh not my favorite anymore well it is a bit to what please don't take my sunshine away that's why i was crying well it's a bit sad that's what happened in it yeah but like i say as horrible as that was um we if you if i hadn't had the miscarriage we wouldn't have rave it would be a different kid bad time so it is sorry to bring

down the mood of the podcast comedy podcast everyone but if you're going through that right now it's awful it's shit it's horrible but it does get better it does and gentlemen out there

men we take longer to process it because you processed it straight away and started crying and I was like I'm fine

and then about two months later I was like I'm not fine because it might not be men I might be generalising there but

personally I do tend to bottle up the old emotions sometimes and then they come out. I think it's going to be better. I think the next generation are going to be a lot better with their feelings, hopefully. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Still boiling, by the way. Still absolutely boiling. Went in, wadded some toilet roll up and wiped me sweaty pits with toilet roll and then threw it in the toilet it was going to lie on the tiled floor but the tiles were

hotter than the fucking wall. And that's the cold bathroom that's usually freezing in there it's boiling. Yeah, so I don't know what's going on Hi guys, hope you're well. The recent massage story in episode 219 reminded me of a story that I thought you would find amusing

There's that bottle again. Oh, my God. Chris, it's such an ick. I hate it. It's just because you're not an athlete. No, it's just not. It's horrible. It's a horrible way to drink.

My boyfriend and I were in India last year traveling for a month. Wow. Lovely. It was a bloody crazy month and an amazing experience. But one story that always makes us laugh is when we booked in for a traditional, I don't know how to pronounce this, Ayurvedic, A-Y-U-R-V-E-D-I-C. Oh, no idea. Ayurvedic message.

Message. Message. Message. I know what happened there. I know exactly what happened there. The first word was so difficult. I was trying so hard. The first word was so difficult,

you used all your energy on it and you fucked up the word after, which is simple. Apologies. In brackets... Please keep me... an anumous? Anumous?

Aneurysm? Fucking hell. Right, in practice, it says here, where they use herbal oils to heal you. Okay, so let's call it a herbal oil healing massage. I'm getting my bit into you, Chris. Fine, herbal oil healing massage. All was well when we arrived at the massage parlour

and they talked through the treatment and told us to go into separate rooms at the end of the corridor okay they then handed us paper thongs like the ones you wear when you get a spray tan have you ever worn one of them uh yes for me first and only spray tan i had on strictly which i'm sure i've told everyone about yeah weird um and they told us to remove all of our clothes. Yeah. As you can imagine, my boyfriend was fairly horrified to think of cramming his bollocks

into what was basically a piece of tissue paper tied with dental floss. But we proceeded to undress, tits out and all. After this, the masseuse came back in and asked me to lay down on the bed in the middle. This wasn't a traditional cushion bed that you'd expect. It was a large wooden table that I would have happily eaten my dine from.

I laid down, almost completely butt naked, while a tiny Indian woman proceeded to cover me head to toe, yes my hair as well, in litres of oil. Oh god, you'd have died. Chris can't even eat a pack of crisps without washing his hands 30 seconds later. I can't watch

someone on the telly eating a pack of crisps. This would have killed you. I can't even eat the pack of crisps without watching his hands 30 seconds later. No, I can't watch someone on the telly eating a pack of crisps. No, you don't. This would have killed you. I can't do it. Greasy, man. Oh, no. I was rolling around like I was on a slip and slide covered in fairy liquid. And at one point, whilst turning from my front of back, I slipped so much that I knocked

a bucket of oil off the end of the bed and spilled it all over the floor and the lady's legs. Oh, my God. This sounds like hell. After reconvening with my boyfriend, he told me, in brackets to my horror, that when the masseuse had moved his leg to massage his inner thigh, he felt his entire ball sack

flop out of the thong and land on the table. Thunk, you're welcome. Safe to say we didn't offer another massage while we were in India but she got a good story out of it awful that like

awful well honestly when I get a massage and they use the oils I'm like nah nah absolutely horrible can't bear it

I hate it so much you hear you hear them the little glass bottle or whatever the little little pump and then you hear

in their hands, and I'm thinking, oh, fucking hell, you're going to touch me with that. And then they do the back of your head and they put it all through your hair. All right, okay, I'm up for that, though. Yeah, because you always wash your hair after. Ah, but it...

I hate a full body massage. Oh, no. I can't concentrate. Honestly, I'm going to say, with the sunshine being what it is at the minute, I spend most of my time in the shade because I hate putting cream on. I hate putting cream on.

I love cream, mate. It makes us makes us feel like filthy for the day i feel like i've just buttered myself it really shouldn't you know because it's you should be wearing i wear the sprays but when we don't have the sprays we get the sprays and you're like they're not as good i'm like well i'll put twice as much on then because i can't be buttered in in on holiday i can put cream on because i don't have anything to do I've got to put cream on and I've got to like live me life and do house chores and do things and I'm like

fucking oiled up like some kind of porn star it's disgusting I hate it but please put your cream on if you're listening because be safe out there

or something I don't know I'm pure factor 50 me now I've done like a massive U-turn gosh when I lived abroad I used to put oil on my skin man

like actual like kook and i'll how bad is that yeah when we were on when me and the lads were on holiday in magaluf years ago one of the lads went and got factor zero oil yeah i thought it'd been dead clever if you listen his wife listens you know who he is put factor zero all over him i remember some random some random girls on another sun lounger and this sounds like while i chat them up but we weren't one of them is all right i wasn't with you then you could have done this no but we genuinely weren't what yeah i mean did anyone pull that holiday i don't think anyone but i think we just went them lads um the turned this last turned and was literally just like is that factor zero and he was like yeah and she was like you are an idiot like i had a massive goal i used to do

it it's so bad but now i'm i'm like factor 30 or 50 all the way in the uk yeah and then i just fake time before i go on holiday i wear a shirt during the day around the pool as well look at how sensible i'm an old man no i just think do you know what it is chris the um realization of skin cancer yeah cancers in general becomes really apparent when you get older and people start getting it and the light at the end

of the tunnel is coming closer and you're like oh god and then wrinkles and just age and I don't want to age which brings me on

to my current problem what's that can't find a decent hat for my holiday that doesn't make you're really struggling with this aren't you really upsetting

as I feel like I crocodile Dundee Indiana Jones or the man from Del Monte but that's or some trill be wearing twat that's your own insecurities

you look I think you look great actually I'm gonna have to go cap I'm gonna have to go oh don't let level up a bit Chris nah dare say it

I'm gonna have to go Timmy Mallet double cap what double cap Timmy Mallet double cap double cap

you had a cap on there's two Timmy Mallets excuse me there's two Timmy Mallets excuse me there's two Timmy Mallets excuse me there's two Timmy Mallets excuse me there's two Timmy Mallets in the public eye what do you mean

right there's Timmy Mallet from my childhood who I think you're talking about yeah there's another Timmy Mallet Mr Mallet Mr Mallet there's another Timmy Mallet

who's on a reality TV programme and I can't think off the top of my head I think it's Towie or is he Tommy Mallet no it's Timmy Mallet is it what's his name what's happening I've had I won't no it's Timmy Mallet is it what's his name what's happening

I won't have this two Timmy Mallets get Google on now I can't wait to see how far wrong you are that's Timmy Mallet who we know

Timmy Mallet glasses two caps little mallet Mr Mallet Mr Mallet oh he's called Tommy Mallet

mother fucker fuck's sake right okay I'm sure and does he have multicoloured caps big glasses Oh, he's called Tommy Mallet. Motherfucker. Fuck's sake. Right, okay. I'm sure I've said this. And does he have multicoloured caps, big glasses, and a little mallet that he talks to? No, he's different.

He does trainers and stuff, I think. Right. How did Tommy Mallet get his money? Google's horrible, isn't it? Is that the first thing that comes up when you put his name in? Oh, and people are shitheads. Oh, and people are awful.

Who's this? What's he worth? I'm angry. Yeah. How did he lose weight oh my gosh who was the richest person from Towie

actually I'm quite interested in that Mark Wright oh yeah yeah yeah gotta be Mark Wright it is yeah yeah yeah yeah

anyway join us next week for Rosie's 30 second Towie quiz is he called Timmy no he's called Tommy who's the richest Mark Wright

thank you goodnight good god your brain is a fucking pinball machine do Do you know that? Sorry. Come and go back to this two Timmy Mallets. Right. Fair enough. I've always been like wow.

I wonder if they named him after Timmy Mallet because he's our age. So anyway back to the questions from the public. My point is I'm going to have to put two caps on. One cap facing forward. Another cap on top of that cap facing backwards. Please just wear a nice hat. Maybe even another cap either side for the ears.

You're nearly 40, Chris. You can wear a hat. Four caps. I can't. I look like the man from Del Monte or just some twat, like Crocodile Dundee or Indiana Jones. You don't. You think you do.

You actually look quite handsome. Promise you. No, see, this feels, this feels, I can't miss you no see this feels this feels I don't know anyone else listening now this feels suspicious this feels like she'll say in a couple of weeks time

no I'm being honest no I feel this is one of your things you know like when you ask her something and you record it on your phone I feel like this is going to be two weeks time guys we went on holiday and he wore this fucking hat

that I told him to and he has a photo of him looking like a twat and I told him he looked great right you're a handsome man to me okay

and other people you put wow wow you are what what a fucking rug pulled out

from under me that was you're a lot of people's weird crush again actually the comment section a lot of people think

you're getting better looking and I have to agree you are getting better looking with age you are well until I put one of these stupid fucking hats on.

Oh my God. You'll look nice. Hats are nice on men. Oh, I'll tell you what. I'm going to buy a few of them. I'll put them on my Instagram. We'll vote for the hats. We'll see which one's the best because you all seem to know stuff. Don't do that. Nah? Oh, don't. You're inviting a world-winner shit there.

Seriously. No, it'll come down. You'll get a nose job. If you do that. Hat's fine. It's your fucking face. That's the problem, mate. Don'll get a nose job. If you do that. Hat's fine. It's your fucking face. That's the problem, mate. Don't do that, Chris. I'm telling you. Don't.

Don't ask them. Don't ask them their opinion. I've learned that the hard way, okay? Okay. But buy a hat. You'll look nice. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Do you want another one?

Yeah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Not a long time listener. I've just started listening. Fuck you then. I'm joking. I've just started listening to the podcast this week after finding my wife. Oh, I didn't have to tell you that.

No, no, you can't do that. After finding your wife, what? Oh, curled up on the floor in a fit of laughter listening to you. That's all in here. That's fine. Leave that in. No, we always take out the gushy stuff

because I can't. No, but that one, yeah, but you teased that. Like, after finding your wife. Imagine that. Can you imagine the emails? Finding my wife dead. After finding my wife. I thought I needed to win the chair as well. No, don't you see that? Yeah, after finding imagine that can you imagine the emails finding my wife dead and I thought

I need to win the chair after finding my wife bludgeoned to death by an iPod which only had your podcast downloaded onto it so I've looked into it

and I'm trying to solve the mystery sorry no but we normally we skip all that because I listen to podcasts and sometimes when you listen to podcasts

and they just they read the good comments they've had that week and you go I don't give a shit yeah yeah I know what you mean

it's weird yeah whereas we read the awful comments you've had about your pyjamas that you wore on telly so swings around about

exactly it says here unfortunately I picked the Urban Fruben episode to start on and have now had my remaining faith in humanity crushed

so thanks for that yeah big problem we've had a lot a lot of pushback on that a lot of people have been upset about that people stop me in the street and tell me they're upset

about that what's wrong with guzzling cum from a used condom of a stranger what's wrong with that Chris world's gone mad world's gone mad

seriously you can't urban food your way through the day look let people live stay in your lane yeah exactly so discrimination there's me

worried about not cleaning my water bottle off enough so bad so bad uh i just listened to the story of mars bar matt yep and who was mars bar oh the one who collapsed i don't even know if that's real. Yeah. But it's funny. And I wanted to share my favourite story from last year that I have been getting a lot of mileage out of. Our local primary school was having its annual cross-country run and all the parents were gathered along the road in front of the school where the finish line was.

Ooh. My friend has a rescue dog called Kalua. I think that's how you say it. Okay. Who gets a bit skittish. Kalua was on a lead, but one of the other mum's dogs was trying to play with him and Kalua started to get a bit worked up.

Okay. My friend went to go and put Kalua in her car but the other dog followed her and Kalua snapped. You're saying Kalua so much it almost doesn't sound like a word anymore. I think it's a nice, is it a nice lolly? A Kalua. I don't know what a Kalua is. No me neither. Kalua snapped and bit this other dog on the ear and got lockjawed.

Oh my God! Yeah. This, of course, created a bit of a scene with the other dog howling and both dogs going around in circles and parents and kids all coming to see what was going on. Oh, heavens above. The headmaster of the school,

in brackets, Rick the Dick, talks about himself in third person, arrogant twat sorry sorry you know what you're expecting who I'll not name because of

Rick the Dick straight in there he comes striding over sees what's going on and declares you have to stick your finger up his bum to make him let go I've done it before

out me way clear a path I'm not having that like let go. I've done it before. Out me way. Clear a path. I'm not having that life. And then, in front of quite a big crowd, sucks his finger, lube it up. Oh my word. Grabs the dog and sticks his finger straight up its arse. There's a fantastic

second or two of shock silence before someone says, Rick, that's the wrong dog so now this poor other dog has kalua's latched onto its ear and rick the Dick's finger up its arse. Rick quickly removes his finger. In brackets. I don't know if he re-lubes it or not. I was going to say, he's definitely not sucking that again.

But in my mind, he does. And then, he sticks it up Kalua's arse. Oh, Jesus Christ. Who won the cross country race? That's what I want to know. Again, a fantastic awkward few moments because Kaluah

doesn't let go and the three of them are scuffling around in a circle trying to get away from each other with Rick trying to find the magic button

up there somewhere until one of the other parents or one of the other parents tips a bottle of water onto Kaluah and he lets go. Oh, my God. Rick the Dick's name has changed. until one of the other parents or one of the other parents tips a bottle of water on the Kahlua and he lets go.

Oh my God. Rick the Dick's name has changed to Wrong Dog Rick. Wrong Dog Rick. And that's from someone in New Zealand. I genuinely thought that worked.

I genuinely thought that was going to happen. I don't think I'd heard that before. I had heard it, yeah. Because someone told me before about how a dog locked you on their dog. And I said, oh, apparently you've got to do that. And they were like, well, I'd heard that before I had heard it yeah because someone told me before about how a dog locked you on their dog and I said oh apparently

you've got to do that and they were like well I mean they looked at it as a bit weird and they were like yeah I wasn't doing that but yeah oh my god

I'm hot now I'm sweating more now wrong dog Rick that's the wrong dog Rick wrong dog Rick oh god fun times hi Chris and Rosie I have an ick for you which is very specific Oh, Greg. Oh, God. Fun times.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. I have an ick for you, which is very specific, but I'm sure you will understand. Okay. Please keep me anonymous as I work in the NHS. Okay, in the NHS. NHS. NHS.

Yeah. I am training to be a colonoscopist. Yeah. Did I say that right? A colonoscopist, I think so, yeah. Yeah, colon-o-scopist. Yeah. Did I say that right? A colonoscopist, I think so, yeah. Yeah, colon-o-scopist. Yeah, sound it out bit by bit on the podcast

if you want to sound really clever. Yeah. Yeah. Brackets. Yep, I have chosen to put cameras in people's arses for a living. They actually wrote bums.

Sorry, I just said arses. You've perved it up. Congratulations. Before the camera is inserted, you have to lube up a finger and put it up the arsehole and have a feel in the anal margin. How has this story

came straight after the dog? I don't know. I didn't mean it to him, but it has. We're here now. Okay. Okay. In brackets it says,

always double glove, people. That's a whole different story. Great. So she's got a double glove. In case it rips, in case a glove rips. In case it rips, yeah. Double glove, okay.

If you are wondering why we do this first, it's to make sure your bum hole is lubed up before a camera is inserted and also just making sure we can't feel any lumps which will get in the way.

Okay. I have noticed men like to say a phrase whilst I have my finger in their arsehole and every time I hear it I want to flip them off the trolley.

The phrase is usually only said to me and my female colleagues. They don't ever say it to the other men the trolley. Right. The phrase is usually only said to me and my female colleagues. They don't ever say it to the other men doing the procedure. Right. The phrase is, could have bought me dinner first. Why? My finger isn't up there for either of our enjoyments.

Shut up and let me do my job in peace. So, if you ever need a colonoscopy slash examination where a professional needs to insert their finger inside your body, don't joke. We don't want to put our fingers up there. I promise we hate it just as much as you do. Anyway, much love from Scotland. Yeah.

That's something you would say. Not anymore. I'm going to have to think of a better one if that one's hack. I can't believe that one's hack. Let's try and think of a better one. So you can't say, could have bought me dinner first. What about,

what about, Is it in yet? That better be your finger. There we go. Okay, workshop. Quick, come on. What about, I told you I don't like finger up the arse,

you slag. Needs work. Needs work. I'll be honest with you, needs work. Yeah. Yeah. What about, Hires me car keys if you find them. needs work needs work I'll be honest with you needs work yeah yeah what about

how's me car keys if you find them I think they're up there what about do you fancy licking me ball bag while you're there for fuck's sake

what about wrong hole wrong hole that's a good one what other hole would they do I might have a couple of bombs oh? I might have a couple of bombs. Oh, right, okay.

Might have a couple of bombs. I don't think it's working. Yours are horrible. Yeah. Yeah, I was trying to be a bit playful with mine. Fair enough. Yours are awful. Yours are quite sexually aggressive, obviously.

What about when they do it, go, ah, ah. Imagine. Imagine. Yeah. that would be horrendous push back onto the finger

right stop this is bad I feel bad I felt bad and I sort of did the action there and I'm in my underpants

and I'm sweating yeah I know it's not good not nice just in case anyone needed another reminder I'm still

just in my underpants yeah he is hi Chris and Rosie hope you're well come to see you next Wednesday for the filming of your TV show

And your show in Birmingham In December Can't wait Still tickets available If you'd like to come Yes still tickets available For the tour Not many

Not many Arenas are filling up now Sorry I'm waving my arms around I'm not trying to get your Attention Rosie Is that to dry your sweat Can't dry me This is

Honestly this is the worst time I've ever had We're going to start writing The tour soon So that's exciting Yes Yeah I love the tour

Put it all together and stuff Yeah Yeah I love love love the tour best night i was so much fun best thing about the tour as well yeah november december be freezing outside nice can't wait can i wear a jumper on stage no not that freezing but be free like out now thinking of being cold now is making us really excited what would you rather be uh-? Too hot or too cold? Forever. But can I mitigate it in any way? Can I change it? Because people always say this. They go,

would you rather always be too hot or be too cold? Can I fix it? Or am I just constantly fucking freezing? Or am I just constantly boiling? So, see, I'd always pick too cold

because you could put jumpers on. Yeah. But if you're too hot, what are you going to do? You can't. Cold shower. I tell you who's always too hot. Carl Hutchinson. Yeah. Hottesters on. Yeah. But if you're too hot, what are you going to do? You can't. Cold shower. I'll tell you who's always too hot. Carl Hutchinson.

Yeah. Hottest man on the planet. He is. He is a hot man. The man will go through, he will go through three t-shirts a day on tour. Very sweaty, very clean, never smells.

Never smells of sweat. I've never smelled, he's never smelled of sweat ever. He's just, he's a moist gentleman. Yeah. That's fair enough. So yeah,

I would, I'd know what his life, I've lived with him, I've knocked around him for so much, that's fair enough. So yeah, I would, I'd know what his life, I've lived with him, I've knocked around him for so much, he's always wanting windows open and air con on and whinging him out of being too hot. I'd be too,

I would go too cold every single day. I'd hate to work in an office with him. Yeah, I'd go too cold. Just hoist some long johns on. I have a story for you, which might make a good Rosie's Mysteries. Yes! This happened to me last week

and I'm still unsure how to feel. I'm 32 and started playing tennis two years ago. Still very much an amateur but slowly getting better. Anywho, I've joined a league

at the tennis club where you have to contact... Can I just say like... What? We know you're still an amateur. Like we know the next sentence was going to be

so I'm playing Wimbledon this year. You never know. I'm glad you're enjoying it, but of course it's the Lambert. Jesus. I was really passive-aggressive by Chris, wasn't it?

After two years, I think that could be quite good. Two years? Shh, behave. Go professional after two years. No, not professional, but you know what? Right, anyway.

Listen, I'm hot and I'm taking it out on them. I'm sorry. Yeah, stop it. I've joined a league at the tennis club where you have to contact random people to play a match. Oh, that's nice. I organised to play a man I've not met've joined a league at the tennis club where you have to contact random people to play a match. Oh, that's nice.

I organised to play a man I've not met before. We met at the club. He was in his 60s. Seemed pleasant enough, if not a little over-familiar. We played our match, which was good, but he won. Afterwards, the winner buys the drinks. This is all very nice.

It's lovely. Lovely and social. Yeah. We sat outside having our Lovely and social. Yeah. We sat outside having our drink and chatting. As he went to leave, he stood up, shook my hand, said we should play again sometime, and then proceeded to... What?

Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Is this a woman? I don't know. Okay. Can't remember. Shall I find out? No. You sure I can?

Er... No No it's fine It's fine Erm I think it might be a man Okay They say at the end I've emailed I've emailed before

If you like a grosser story Please search for Foreskin denture Got you Did you search for that? I did yeah Was it good? It was alright.

Okay. Pretty self-explanatory. Okay. Slapped on the arse. Slapped on the arse. Okay, okay, okay. Good game. Slapped on the arse.

I reckon. Right. He said we should play again sometime, then proceeded to pat me on the head like a dog. That's even better. That's even better. If I hadn't been so shocked, I would have woofed. I have now affectionately named

him Pat and I'm looking... These are great. Oh, love you people. I am looking into Andy Pat hats for the next time I play him. Suggestions welcome. That's as well. You're early 30s. He's double your age. He fucking whopped you, bought drinks, then patted you on the head. That is fighting talk. I play him. Suggest him as welcome. That's as well. Your early 30s. He's double your age. He fucking whopped you, bought drinks,

then patted you on the head. That is fighting talk. Oh, that is, isn't it? I'm serious. You need to play dirty next time. Do you think? You need to play filthy. You need to cheat.

But what could he do to not get him to pat him on the head? Slap his hand away and say, The hat's not going to stop it. Slap his hand away and say, don't pat us on the head. Yeah, dickhead. Don't pat us on the head, please.

Pat us on the head. Yeah, dickhead. Don't pat us on the head, please. Pat us on the head. That's great. Hey guys, long time listener, albeit late to the party and only started listening last year. Wow, welcome, welcome, welcome. I never really thought I had an embarrassing story to share, but I was reminded recently by a friend that perhaps I did. I come from an island in Scotland which is hardly a hive of excitement. Wow. Oh, God. Right. So my friend and I

decided on which one to go to and off we went. After paying our entrance fee and having a few drinks, she told me that I should be picking

my stripper. Her words, not mine. Okay. I picked a very gorgeous lass and headed off to a private room for my dance. Oh, no.

I want to be sick. I had no idea what the crack was, what the protocol was or anything. Okay. I paid for a five- minute dance and she was awesome. Blew my mind.

I decided I didn't really want it to end, so ended up buying more time and then again. I eventually realised I should maybe calm down. Sorry, did they say five minute dance or five pound dance? Five minute dance. God, I thought it was five pound for a second there. That's a budget

strip club if ever I've heard. Oh, that's a back of a pub. Yeah, I thought it was five pound for a second there. That's a budget strip club if ever. Oh, that's a, that's a back of a pub. Yeah, that's a Tuesday night in a small village. That's a brothel, I think. Yeah. So my friend and I

headed off and went to a cash machine as we still had pubs to head to. I put my card in, dot, dot, dot, dot. No. I'd entirely emptied my

account. No. At the strip club. No. I had no idea what to do as we still had two days in Aberdeen. Oh, my word. So I did what any normal guy would do. I phoned my dad to help.

Right, I thought you could see he went back to the strip club for his money. Oh, can I please? Excuse me, I didn't realise how much I was spending here, because, you know, I had a stiffy in that. All the blood had drained from me brain and into my tiddler. So i'd please like some money back because i just feel like it's a little bit steep and i've got two more days in aberdeen look i'll come back in two days and spend the rest if i've got any i can't eat i phoned my dad to help but i couldn't tell him i'd basically spent all my money at a strip club wow so i did the only thing I could think of at the time. I told him

my bank account had been hacked and cleaned out by a very unscrupulous character. Called Dion. Called table service slash dance at the strip club. Jinxy Crawford. He and my step mum at the strip club. Jinxy Crawford. He and my stepmum at the time felt so bad for me

that they transferred everything they could manage so that I could pay rent, council tax and the rest of my trip away. You piece of shit. And they told me that they didn't want paying back as it was terrible what had happened to me. You dirty scoundrel. To this day, I haven't told them the truth. Wow.

And my friends say she is waiting until the day I get married so she can tell the story. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this is the reason I'm still single so that the story

never comes out. Oh. My dad doesn't listen so you don't have to keep me anonymous and my pal Karen will definitely get a kick out of it.

Oh, wow. There you go. That is, oh, you can hold that in your head forever. Bad times. That's terrible. How do you not know how much you of it. Oh, wow. There you go. That is, oh, you can hold that in your head forever. Bad times. That's terrible. How do you not know how much you're spending?

Tap, tap. Oh, oh. Tap, tap, innit? That's danger. Dance, dancer, dancing around. Hey, bring back the days of, you know. Cash only. Five pound notes in thongs.

Do they not do that anymore? That was the case. Don't imagine, yeah, imagine they're all cashless. I imagine they make a lot more money. I mean, you've probably got to declare it, but tap, tap. If people are pissed. Tap, tap.

Do you like this dance? Do you want it to keep going? Because it's a little bit more expensive to keep going. Tap, tap. 100 quid, 200 quid, 300 quid, 400 quid. You can't pee, you fucking rent, you dirty little pervert. Yeah, well, well done, Dion. Dad, hello, Dad.

I've been hacked by me own erection. It took all me money. There's a tiny little criminal called Dick. I can't fight him, he's too hard. All right, all right, we'll get it. We got it. You saw where it was going. You saw where it was going you saw where it was going as always thank you so much

for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marodinoid which has is part of the ACAS Creator Network and Chris's Sweaty Pits I feel

honestly I'm not even going to ramble too much here I need to go and have a cold shower. I'm in a world of hurt. This is horrible. Enjoy the heatwave, guys. Do you far?

Bring on December. Stop it. Bye. Bye, everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com.