Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 224. Double Wipe

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

On the podcast this week Rosie shares some stories from her holiday which involve a rogue pooh and some intimate sun cream application. The beefs are podcast related and the QFTP's involve an ick, a misheard name and some kinky behavior. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmar and Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey,

and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello. I'm back from my holidays. I had a lovely time. Well, well, well, did I have a lovely time? Yay. Always a drama, Chris. There's always a drama.

On holiday. In my life. Just in my life in general. Come on, then. The hotel wasn't finished. Yeah. It was half done. Dare I say it, I might have, at home,

while at home, with Robin, while you were away, while people were ripping up our kitchen tiles, and the house was a complete fucking war zone, and you told me

that you were having a horrible time because the hotel wasn't finished. May have ran to the fridge and got a celebratory beer. Oh, did you really? That's nice of you, isn't it?

Well, you know, you've got to enjoy the little moments in life where your wife pisses off for Father's Day. Does she leave you with a cookie? No, she doesn't leave you with a cookie.

The cookie arrives a week later, but our hotel was half finished, so I had a lovely time in me half-finished house. I got 20% back. That's good. Well, is it? Because actually,

do you know, that money's spent, though. You've spent the money. Yeah. When you get there and they were like it's not finished you got 20% back

I was like I don't want 20% back I would like to pay the 20% and have use of all the facilities thank you very much oh so you want that 20% to cover a time machine

to quickly nip you into the future when it's finished no because have you all day then quickly nip back no because whilst I was there I didn't say anything

right and now every day I wish that you can't complain can you I couldn't do it guys Rosie actually texted saying i wish you were here because you're good at complaining i don't like complaining but when i have to when i get to the end of my tether i'm very good at complaining but it i have to be like you know like a film where the wimpy guy gets shot on and shot on and shot on and shot on then he just blows his fucking leg why are you

lying you are amazing at complaining. Don't bullshit us. No, but it has to be, it has to be a lot of stuff. I'm not like, no, because, come on, there's fucking people out there

who are like, there's not enough milk in this coffee. Send it back. I want my money back. I've been scarred for life because the sugar cubes were too big. Okay, yeah, yeah. I'm not one of them fucking pricks.

But all holiday, all I did was walk past the reception and there was just blokes shouting and kicking off. I mean, there was no need to shout, but yeah. No, there was. There were totally on the right. I'm sorry.

It wasn't a cheapy, you know. It wasn't a cheapy little holiday. You sent us a video of Rafe and a load of other kids on the lawn one night for the entertainment. And the lawn was just patches of turf. Yeah, yeah. And I remember I had to watch a video twice

because at first I was just looking at it. As a man who's turfed a garden in my lifetime, I was just looking going, that needs fucking water and they do not need to be standing on that because it looked like it was standing on fucking BMX with grass on. It had just been laid.

And I mean, literally three months, it'll be one of the best hotels in the world. It will be absolutely stunning, but it was not then. And the furthest I got with complaining was the manager of the hotel, because he was,

he did look very flustered, bless him, right, but you shouldn't have fucking opened your hotel, you moron. He walked past her, and he said, hola,

and I blanked him. Oh, oh! Oh, I blanked the shit out of him. Oh, no, she didn't! Yeah, yeah, and he knew, and he knew.

Hey, mate, no holas for you, eh? Go on. Yeah, and he knew. And he knew. Hey, mate. No all-as for you, eh? Go on. Buenos. Fuck off. Nothing for you, dickhead. Yeah. But, you know.

All. Sorry, madam. All. Sorry, madam. What are you trying to say? All. Sorry, madam. You're trying to say all-a.

No, I'm not finishing it. Just like your hotel. But we are going to a sister hotel in us we're going this is an ad by the way this might sound like an ad this is not an ad it's not a fucking ad don't go hi i'm very nearly put it on me i sent them a message on instagram see that's where you see see that's where i also since doing like a tv show on a podcast and stuff and being you Z-list celebrity, I'm quite good at throwing all of them into me complaint. What do you mean? Well, this is what I would have done. The manager would have said,

Ola, and I said, not Ola, son, come over here. Sit down in this sunbed. That's why I wish you were here. First of all, I'd have went, big cream on me back. It's Sir Dominance. Do you know what I mean? Big cream on me back, mate.

Go on, rub it in. Down the back. Not the spray shit. Down the arse crack. Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye. Good. And then I'd have got his hand the spray shit. Down the arse crack. Look them in the eye. Look them in the eye. Good. And then I'd have a guy's hand

and I'd have sucked it off his finger while I looked them in the eye. Then I'm the boss, right? Then I'd have a certain dominance. Of course. I mean, he works in a hotel in Spain. He probably does that quite a lot, but crap.

You've got to put cream on people. Yeah, yeah, listen. Right. It was all inclusive. Yeah, but... Pay an extra 20% for that. And I went, listen, this is what I would have said, right?

I was thinking about it. Again, genuinely over the moon that you had a bad time. Just so good for me and my mental health. I would have went, listen, mate, we're having a terrible time here. This is shocking. We've been working on it. We've just finished our BBC One Primetime Chat Show. We've come here.

We are exhausted, exhausted of the chat show and the 150 million downloads podcast and the Instagram that we both do that has a cumulative over a million followers and we are looking forward

it was such a lovely holiday from as I say the BBC the chat show the podcast and all the other things

see Taskmaster I was on there as well and didn't get the 13 series sorry sir it moved from Dave to chat did you not get

channeled over here. I get Dave, fair enough. And we just wanted a nice relaxing time and I noticed not everything's finished here. Not everything's finished

and it's a disgrace and I have been off at 20% back but I don't want 20%. I'd like all memory back because you see my children here. My children are in need. Host that as well.

My children are in need of that play area that's not open yet. November 17th, BBC One, I'll be on there. Yeah, the play area wasn't open. The kids' pool was shut for two days. But me, me mum and Kate walked around eating shit sandwiches for five days. But we just, Chris, we drank them dry.

Well, there we go. Drank them dry. It's a disgrace. But no, do you know what it is? You need to strictly sort this out, Kim, runner up and that. You need to sort this out because I am that's when I would

cheer up I was in that as well I go don't listen to her Christmas special anyway right check your privilege thank you

and thank you for listening to me complain this has been the Chris Ramsey show of two series on Comedy Central you definitely

wouldn't have seen that and see you later hola or whatever it is and see you later hola or whatever it is the one ciao buenas hola

what's bye what's Spanish for bye I think it's hola again I don't think it is Spanish we never got off at the worst at school so

not in your school did you get Spanish yeah yeah I did Spanish shut up yeah yeah I didn't pick it for GCC and I wished I had you got it as a GCSE option?

I think we got to pick it in year eight. You know, you got like sort of half options in year eight. But look, first

world problems, you were on a lovely holiday. Do you know what it is? We had a great time. The sun was

shining. It was really lovely, but it should have been finished. I was over the moon again. Think of the joy

I got from how A, tired you were because Rafe wasn't sleeping very well and B, how unfinished the hotel was how much more

over the moon were you when I had to go and check if it was a shit in the pool that was fun should we chat about that in the

yeah we can do yeah yeah yeah can do the introduction who cares oh I didn't know you've got to have a format to a podcast apparently

listen it is episode 224 thank you so much for 224 thank you so much for being here thank you so much for listening thank you if you're joining us for the

first time as we always say and if you've been here for a while we do not take the fact that you listen to this every single week for granted we

really do appreciate it and thank you thank you so so much and it's episode 224 and it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor

this week's sponsor is what is it getting your shopping in just as the supermarket's closing. Oh, right. Have you ever done it?

It's like the end of the world. Are you going to? Supermarkets. Oh, he's doing the first. Four o'clock. I was just going to lay the land of how you came in on Sunday afternoon. Shell shocked. Really, really upset.

It was the supermarket version of the beginning opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. It was madness. It was Omaha Beach. It was craziness. Come on, then. I mean, yes, it was my fault.

And if I worked in a supermarket, I'd be exactly the same. It was my fault for going in at like 10 to 4 when they close at 4. Because they all close at 4 on a Sunday for some mad, mad reason. I don't know what's going on.

Yeah, damn. But have you ever been in? Have you ever been in a supermarket just as it's closing? I have never, to be honest with you. Carnage. I wouldn't go a tent at four.

Unless I was nipping at live prawns. I planned my day extremely badly and I had to go in and quickly get some stuff for tea and it was, honestly, it's what I imagine

it would be like being in a supermarket if it was quickly announced that there were dropping a nuclear bomb on the country. Right. It's literally like, you've got 10,

so supermarket is closing in 10 minutes. 10 minutes, 8 minutes, the supermarket, please make your way to the checkout. 5 minutes, 5 minutes, you fucking pricks.

Fill your trolleys and fuck off. It was, they're chasing you down the aisles. No, they're not. I'm telling you, someone followed us up three aisles and went, can you just make your way to the tills? I was i just need to find something she's like it's over there

then straight at the till with you i was like is that what you said terrifying i was like i'm so like i get it i get it you know it was a lovely hot day it had been carnage where near where it was there was some kind of fair thing on where we live and i understand like i i work in um when i work in all sports in south shields and people would come in just towards the end your shift you'd be like oh oh yeah hate them hate them so i get it but at the same time oh my god following you down the aisles the lot of it and then i get up to the aisle tell them so i got up to the checkout lady i got up to the checkout and i was fine with it i wasn't having a go i would never start arguing but i'm standing there and i there was hang on once did you have a basket or a trolley i only only had a basket. There was hardly anything in it,

right? And I had my own bags, right? Because I'm Captain Planet. In his defence, we'd gone like three days without butter. Yeah.

Hadn't we? Neither of us had gone to the shop. Well, that's because you, right? And this is, no, this isn't almost a beef, but that's because you keep putting,

you keep using old butter containers to store things in. Oh, yeah. So I get to the end of some butter and I'm like, it's okay,

there's another one there and I open it and there's a fucking boiled potato in it or something it actually wasn't me i think it was my auntie kath oh christ but yeah so we thought we had a spare butter but it was actually a bit of cake which to be fair does have butter in it oh god so i was like right so i got up to the till and there was a lady serving and there was one lady with a you know the till the conveyor belt was half full i thought mint i'll just jump on here and the lady just she must have been at the end of a shift but she ran around the front of her of her till and she slammed the little gate in front of us and she went no this till's closing

because i'm finished now and i went all right no bother and then i think she you know in her head i think she'd prepared for me to kick off but obviously wasn't i just went no bother so she had in the barrel a bit of fucking venom ready for us but she still just let it out so I went right no bother and she just went yeah I was like yeah

yeah and I was like I didn't protest I went to the self-service so you went to the self-service but at the self-service someone came past again and went hurry up

I was like holy fucking shit I tell you what though does this turn into a fucking drug lab at four o'clock on a Sunday what the hell goes on here

when you told me that though though, I did get... Obviously, because we've worked in retail before, but there was also... With our lives at the minute, it's so manic, and jobs, it's different kind of like... There's no real time management on our job. We've had to make up rules of, like, after five o'clock, we can't talk to each other about emails, etc.

Just for how sporadic our life is, my mate's got a utilities company and he's working on trying to get our electricity and gas bills lower because they're really high and he looked at it

and he went you've got no pattern of usage he went there's no he went it's just it's mad he went it's sporadic he went there's absolutely no pattern to your life

I went oh yeah oh yeah did they say that that's so interesting he went you've got normally you can see you use more here and he goes

yours is just totally fucking random he goes it's mad that's our life so normally you can see you use more here and yours is just totally fucking random he goes it's mad that's how I like so when you told me this story about the lady being

I'm finished now I got a pang of jealousy because she was finished that's her done for the day that's her she'll not be getting contacted by her boss she'll not be getting

and I was like I missed that a little bit when I was at Dotty P's 10 till 2 and then the rest of me day was just me day to deal with what I wanted to do.

your manager would go something like, oh, someone's called in sick tomorrow and you'd go, oh, good luck with that. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, you're busy. Or you'd just like, check your rota.

Remember rotas? Remember the rota. I just, I don't know. And you know what? It's fair on her. She should have went in. Again, 100% shouldn't have went in.

She finished her shift. Fuck you. Absolutely. And yeah, it was, I and and yeah it was um it was i'll never do it again it was terrifying it was really stressful you've learned it was it was more stressful than you know when you go to the car wash and the bloke they do your wheels and then the meat you i from what i've gathered they make you go forward a full revolution of your wheel so they can spray the other side of it yeah fucking hell he's just gonna like out with his

hand he's like come on come on come on come on come on come on stop and you're like oh god well the one we go do you've got to do

like a u-turn horrible terrified every time I'm like I'm not going through me I'm not going through me

I'm like Robin watch you spot us spot us they should do what I used to do at Dorothy Perkins just passively

aggressively shut the shutters halfway down excellent oh we used to do that at all sports man there would always be a late night limbo through them shutters.

Oh, quarter to five, I'd shut them halfway. I'd be like... Five to five, someone would limbo and they're wanting football boots for Monday. Yeah, that happened a lot. And you'd have to let them in. I always did, yeah. I always did in all sports.

I remember a guy came in literally five to five on a Saturday and he needed football boots for his son's school on Monday or whatever. And I was like, do you know what we're opening tomorrow? And he was like, I'll just get them now. And I was like, do you know what we're opening tomorrow? And he was like, I'll just get them now. And I was like, great. Fuck you. I'd put them through the till like this. Actually, I tell you what.

Thank you. He was the only person in the history of me working there that bought the shoe care offers. Oh, well, there you go. Two pound, dubbing. It was called dubbing. It was wax that you put on your football boots. And it went on my little thing.

I got a little star for selling the dubbing. I used to love stuff like that. Because no one wanted to buy it went on my little thing I got a little star for selling the dubbing because no one wanted to buy it I hated store cards oh god ask everyone if they want us to oh fuck off

I don't want to ask anyone I'm really uncomfortable actually no you've got to ask every person you've got to think of different ways to ask them

what the fuck is this I am so hungover this is just this is my drink money like fuck off shut us down

but then when you got one when you got one oh my god oh my god like cut in and then you put it through and they get denied and you go

oh it's actually it is like a full on credit thing right probably don't get one because I got into loads of debt with mine and I worked there

do they still do store cards I don't know I've never had a store card in my life oh well done because I got into loads of debt with mine. And I worked there. Do they still do store cards? I don't know. I've never had a store card in my life. Oh, well done. Because I got into 800 pounds of debt. Oh, God. Chris. Fuck, on your own shop?

Yeah. That's with staff discount. Yes. Fuck, I don't. And that followed me around, right? I didn't get a good credit score until I met you. I swear to God. I was fucked. Oh, my God. Until I met you I swear to god I was fucked

until I met you until we got married that my my credit score sorted itself out because I was knackered before then is this what marriage is Sham

did you just do this to get your store credit cards back up oh god oh well just make sure you buy something nice yeah

hey let's play a jingle it's been 15 minutes oh sorry here's the jingle we had a fight's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle.

We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married and Old I can't tell we've had a week off because we're just It's nice isn't it? I'm happy to be back I'm really excited And I'm due on as well so this is cray cray But guess who's getting the coil when I ring

I haven't rang yet Why? I feel like dead uncomfortable ringing and isn't that stupid? I know what you mean because i'm gonna have to go sit in the same place yeah yeah but i'm gonna have to go sit in the same place where people are getting like for the clap and that right so you're gonna get them both at the same time no well yes yes and no but now the old one-stop shop life's a bit different right can't can't ignore the elephant in the room of the fact that we had a BBC show just happened not long ago.

Right. And people sometimes don't know who we are. And you don't want to be publicly clapped. Don't fancy sitting there and people going, what you coming to get? Pill? Coil? Do you want to do a little T-shirt

that says I'm here for the coil? Yeah. Or just walk in really loudly and say to the person at the desk, hello, I'm here for the coil. Hello, I'm here for the coil. Yeah. The contraceptive with the only person I have sex with.

I'll have the Moderna, please. One of the Moderna. What's Moderna? I think that's what they're called. I think that's the one I'm going to get. I don't know. Wasn't Moderna the fucking COVID jab? Oh, was it?

I'm sure it was. What are you talking about, you fucking idiot? I don't know. I'm sure Moderna was the COVID jab. You're going to get a COVID jab again. In my vag? In your vag. you're talking about you fucking idiot I don't know that's google I'm sure Moderna was the covid you're gonna get you're gonna get a covid jab again in my vag in your vag

oh Marina there we go Marina Marina what's Moderna is Moderna Moderna was the fucking covid jab yeah

oh side effects oh no side effects of the coil here we go headache acne breast tenderness irregular bleeding which can improve after six months mood changes cramping or pelvic pain already have all of them Oh no Side effects of the coil Here we go Headache Acne Breast tenderness Irregular bleeding

Which can improve after 6 months Mood changes Cramping or pelvic pain Already have all of them So Oh Does the marina Coil

Cause weight gain Yes Great It causes weight gain Small percentage of patients May experience weight gain Got you Brilliant

Hey It's a bloody minefield innit Well I just feel like I've got to try it because I'm just I'm going to kill someone probably you yeah probably me

I am obviously a warden comedian so I am above this now but the fact that they are calling something that goes into your vagina Marina

14 year old me would have had a field day with that I think it's called it's M-i-r-a-n-a m-i-r-a-n-a marina marina yeah something well it must be because i thought it was moderna so it must be marina right yeah but well done no a my reena my reena my little reena tight as my little Rina. Do you know how I mentioned about me mouses here on the BBC show?

Yes. Did you get the email? A hell of an email. I was in the gym and I looked at my phone and I got an email about your mouses here. Yes. Of another lady, which was weird. Said, unfortunately, the BBC aren't putting the mouses here clip on their Instagram. So I think we're going to leave it.

Fair. Leave it out as well. I would say fair. The Instagram is not ready. The BBC Instagram is not ready for my tight cut. Bloody hell. Would you like to hear

the poo in the pool story 100% So I was in the pool Having a nice little swim And you pooed yourself Rafe was asleep And you pooed yourself No I didn't

Case closed gentlemen Sadly not that day Right Rafe was asleep So I thought I'll get some laps in right Lovely jubbly jubbly He'd only recently Must have been lovely

Just must have been a lovely experience Carry on It really wasn't Chris It was you know know, holiday... Just being nice to them. Holidaying with toddlers is shit. It's really shit. To the point where we've stupidly, right,

because we've not had much time off, and there's just always been shit going on in the house. We booked a few holidays this year, and I'm fucking gutted about it, to be honest with you. Not to sound like a complete dick, because I know that it's a proper privilege to be able to go on holiday going away

not when you've got kids I refuse going away with children is like going and getting a job in a hotel abroad for a week you just work there

the kids are on the holiday the kids are the guests you just work there for the kids you're an extension of the staff for the kids that's the holiday

it's just tricky it wouldn't eat anything he hated the heat and it was like June I was like what are you going to be like in August eh

and he got constipated had to bloody put a depository up it was all it was just grim it was grim but he's I mean he's so lush

and he moments of it were lovely back to the pool yeah so we'd bought him this hay doggie set from the airport and do doggies like a dog

and he's like a brown dog yeah quite big quite chunky right um and so i was would would kept them on the side would left his toys on the side of the pool yeah and i was like i'm gonna do a few laps and then i didn't really look at these toys specifically the lifeguard like i think it is over and she's like come here come here english wasn't great bless her and um yeah i mean because and then I didn't really look at these toys specifically. The lifeguard, like, thinking it was over, and she said, come here, come here. English wasn't great, bless her. And, I mean, because my Spanish is phenomenal, as you all know. It's grade A, yeah, degree level.

She said to me, she was like, down there, down there, like, what is that, what is that? And it was like an infinity bit of the pool. Right. And I was like, I don't know. So I could see see kind of just through looking through it looked like like the doggie thing oh please look brown right no so i was like oh and she was going go look go look what what is that what is that and so i was like

right i don't know but i'll go and have a look because i thought is it the bairns toy and it because it was quite a nice hotel i was like do they not want toys in the pool so anyway i went and look got really close to it yeah it was a massive shit right it was a massive shit and it started like crumbling away because it had been there a while so it's all yeah it started like liquefying slightly yes and i was just like so i went to her i was like poo and it pointed at it like someone who works here needs to get rid of it. Was there any part of you that wanted to say, or nearly said, el poo? El caca.

Uno caca. Por favor. Uno, uno shito. Sorry, my Spanish isn't great. We didn't get it at GCSE. I wish I had. Honestly, do you know what? But in my head head I was like why

why am I the one in the pool having to check look at this shit so anyway so it gets worse right so

so I told her I was like you need to sort that out like somebody needs to come and take that out so I got out and then Kate had told us that a bloke had been over

15 minutes earlier to tell her about it no one had done anything so we were I got out and then Kate had told us that a bloke had been over 15 minutes earlier to tell her about it. No one had done anything. So we were sat there, right? And then people kept getting in the pool. They weren't telling anyone. So,

because I think, bless her, kind of bless her, kind of not bless her. Like, she just wasn't doing enough. Right. It was just,

the hotel was brand new. She probably just started her job. But I was like, go and tell somebody. Like, go on your radio, tell someone. But then, yeah, I was just the hotel was brand new she probably just started her job but I was like go and tell somebody like go on your radio tell someone but then yeah cool

I was just it's not just one of the moments where you want to keep it a bit you don't want to like get like a big you know like accident tape but a big brown tape

and put it round and go sorry everyone sorry you might have been reading your book and you might not be aware of this you might be up on your balcony

but someone's shot in the pool everyone out you want to keep it discreet fair enough but still tell people so me and Kate people were like you might not be aware of this, you might be up on your balcony, but someone's shot in the pool. Everyone out. You want to keep it discreet. Fair enough, but still tell people. So me and Kate, people were like in the pool,

getting in the pool and that and having me and Kate were like... Goggling, spitting water into each other's mouths. So we took it upon ourselves to tell people. Right. So we were like...

We are Geordie Lasses. Yeah, excuse me, there's shit in there. Do you like this? Not even finished. I had to finish the shit so didn't I so we just had to

keep telling people slyly on the sly but I was howling because there was an American family and we told the mum and she was like oh my god

gross disgusting and the two there was two teenage lads with them like now teenage probably about nine and eleven and they were like putting their goggles on

going to have a look get in so anyway let people know and then eventually they got rid of it got it on video which is very funny

that was a good video of this end of man getting the shit out of a pool that was fun yeah and then what happened was it was shut for the whole rest of the day

brilliant and then the next day it was shut as well excellent bear in mind the kids pool wasn't open whose fucking shit was it well my thing was,

was the pool even all right? Like, in the first place, because they had to check the levels after the shit. And I think they were like, oh. Ah, so the chlorine and all that might have been.

Not okay. But then part of us was like, I wish I'd fucking never said anything. And another part of us reckons that it was too big to be a kid's and I think some bloke who's probably been at reception has had a dirty protest. Wow. So you're just going to ruin everyone's, just ruin everyone a kid and I think some bloke who's probably been at reception has had a dirty protest.

Wow, so you're just going to ruin everyone's... I think an adult took a shit in the pool out of sheer... It's not finished. I mean, that is a kick in the bollocks to all of the other people there, though. Yeah. Excuse me, this hotel isn't finished.

It's a disgrace. Everyone here should be compensated. No, you're not going to compensate everyone? Okay, then, then well I'll do a shit in the pool and ruin the holiday further but then we so let's

let's here work it out right right adult fair enough yeah children who are potty training absolutely but

couldn't be a little girl because they're too tight usually swimming stuff their swimming costumes yes

would not allow the poo to come out. And most little boys, we've got little boys, they have a knicker pot in shorts. They do. Or they have the tight ones on. So how was there a full-on chode in the pool? You tell me. It was intact. It was long and big.

How, Chris, how? That's not a kid. This is the new Investing in the Podcast from Chris and Rosie Ramsey. Who shat in the pool? We will be each week... I don't think it was a kid. Each week we will be dissecting, not the shit,

we'll be dissecting the idea of who shat in the pool. Join us for this 100-part series. It was the lifeguard. The lifeguard. I mean, who's shitting in the pool? How? That's what I'm saying. You must put your I mean, who's shitting in the pool? How are you... How? You've got...

That's what I'm saying. You must put your pants down. That's what I'm saying. Maybe it's a... I know from the documentary about this, Kevin and Perry Go Large, where he forces a wee out in the sea and then has a shit

and then it follows them and it goes in one of their mouths. Brilliant. Perfect. That's... Great. I mean, that's telly. That's what you want to watch, isn't it?

That's 100%. That was fucking great. God. They cut it just before it hits his mouth. It's a perfect one of their mouths. Brilliant. Perfect. That's great. I mean, that's telly. That's what you want to watch, isn't it? That's 100%. That was fucking great. God, they cut it just before it hits his mouth. It's a perfect bit of the movie. The spot picking in that. Unbelievable. Fantastic. Don't make stuff like that anymore.

Phenomenal. So, no, I... Are we sure it wasn't you or your mum or Kate? Positive. I've seen Rafe's shit. Rafe's are massive. It could have been Rafe's. He was constipated as fuck.

Well, there we go then. So it came out and it was like a man's. It wasn't Rafe's. We. Rafe's are massive. It could have been Rafe's. He was constipated as fuck. Well, there we go then. So it came out and it was like a man's. It wasn't Rafe. Rafe. We'll never know, but anyway. Right. We'll never know. I hate true crime podcasts where they never wrap it up at the end.

I only apologise to everyone who was hanging on this story and now, you know, we've just wasted your time because no one knows who shat in the pool. Nah, no idea. Ah, the phantom shitter. It's time for What's your b it was me oh i shot in the pool you shouldn't have been away you fucking shit ma take 91 took fucking one kid on holiday you bitch oh whatever um barry beefat in the pool amazing what can I be for you

well I feel like your beef may be the same as mine really I don't know I don't think it is what have I got let me check my

file of facts no no okay then no come on then you go first then this is intriguing

okay then my beef with you Chris Ramsey is we are having our kitchen done at the minute nearly done it's looking bloody beautiful chef's kiss sorry big shout out everywhere out there, is we are having our kitchen done at the minute. Nearly done. It's looking bloody beautiful. Chef's kiss.

Sorry, big shout out to everyone out there. If you're thinking about getting your kitchen done, fucking don't. Do not get your kitchen done. It is a mess. You live in that room. That is the one room you shouldn't get done. Or do it bit by bit. Unless you want a fucking toaster and a microwave in your living room,

like some kind of crack den, don't get it done. It's heavy, isn't it? Hate it. Horrible. Having a horrible time. Carry on. out in a microwave in your living room like some kind of crack den don't get it done carry on hate it horrible having a horrible time carry on that's why we took Rafe away because we had to

get all the tiles lifted up you took Rafe away and I was left I took Rafe away because we had to get all the tiles took up

and it was just going to be a nightmare with a two year old so safety first all that I said to Chris before I left please

please please please cover the sofas and my I said to Chris before I left, please, please, please, please cover the sofas and my console tables. Okay, I was like, please just cover them because it's going to get scruffy. Please cover them.

Sofas were covered. Did you cover them? Sofas were covered. They were not. The lad said they would do it. The lad, listen, in my defense, the lad put them outside.

The first day they did it they were outside and all the doors were shut so I was like right that now I know that they're capable of making sure they don't get covered in dust

so that is now out of my list of stuff to do not their responsibility excuse me but they well it was their responsibility but they did it but they did it

and then I thought okay so you guys move them so then if you move them back in for the rain or whatever you'll obviously cover them up because you now know that they can't be covered in dust. That's ridiculous.

I'm not coming in and being like... I asked you to do it. It comes off, man. I asked you to keep an eye. The sofas were covered. The sofas are fine. And the other things that are covered in dust, it's wood.

Dust comes off. Okay. Well, I did it. I tried to take the wet... What's it called? Wet wipe. Not with a wipe. Damp cloth. Damp cloth, sorry. Good God, you can tell she doesn't do much fucking housework. Fuck off. I tried to take it off. Damp cloth dusting. wet like what's it called wet wipe not with a wipe damp cloth sorry

she doesn't do much fucking housework fuck off I tried to take it off dusting the console me antique console which

it wasn't that expensive but it's a nice piece of furniture right old it took half of the wax off that your dad had done so it's fucked now

so you're doubting why I put my wax on just why didn't you cover them because I had a seven year old look after who was devastated

that his mum had took his sibling on a holiday and I was consoling him the whole time. Right? Yeah. And the house was a building site.

How many times did you go to BJJ? Hashtag Cuddle Club. How many times did you go? Twice or three times. And how many times did you go to the driving range? Twice. Well done.

But the sofas were outside. Go fuck yourself. The sofas were outside when I went to Jiu Jitsu. Go and royally fuck yourself. Okay. You should have covered them. You are so bad at like being able to apologise. Yeah. And just. I got it from you. I was so annoyed. I got it from you. And do you know what's really annoying? There was people here when I got home from holiday and I wanted to like go am I in here in this kitchen I wanted to go mad but I couldn't

because there was people there so good well and once again thank you to those people for hanging around

like I asked you to once I realised that the furniture had not been covered so annoying and I'll never apologise listen

my beef with you right if you can even call yours a beef that you've done it and you haven't got a leg to stand on right my beef with you, right? If you can even call yours a beef that you've done it and you haven't got a leg to stand on, right? My beef with you. You want them covered up?

Pause that. You want them covered up? Stay here. Don't gallivant away and shit in swimming pools having the time of your life, right? Use the toilet, pervert. In hindsight, Chris, I wish I had stayed here.

I wish you took them. Yeah, well, I'd have took Robin. Now, listen. My beef with you is um you listen to so many true crime podcasts that it's seeping into real life and you actually can't live a normal life without being terrified of your own fucking shadow what do you mean i'll tell you exactly specifically the moment i mean it happens with loads of stuff you go to the worst end of far end of a fart with everything do you know what I mean?

Like someone, like I'll come back from the shops and I'll forget the milk. And they'd be like, well, is it your plan to forget the milk? Are you trying to starve the children of milk so their bones are brittle and you can break their bones easily and blame it on me and I'll go to prison? Rosie, no, I'm not. Well, I've seen it on a podcast. We'll turn fucking another thing. I've seen it.

All right, Gwenda. I've seen it on a podcast. Another thing, we'll turn Netflix on. This is another one. This is irritating. We turn fucking, another thing. I've seen it, all right, I've seen it on a podcast. Another thing, we turn Netflix on. This is another one. This is irritating. You turn Netflix on and something pops up. They're like,

oh, just put this on and it's just a thing. Like, the grainier and more black and white and more harrowing the photo of the thing,

you're, it's on the list before you even know what it's about. Literally, it's on the list before you know what it's about.

And like, if it's, like, if you turnflix on and it's like an aerial shot of a grainy farm in black and white bang you're on it yeah oh god yeah where's the bodies yeah yeah yeah grainy footage or grainy look of someone like looking out of a bar a barred window it's on the list someone anyone in a peace interrogation room straight on the list am i right yeah yeah yeah fucking annoying as shit um but the other day um i booked the guy to come and fix the the hot tub the power supply was knacked on the hot tub and uh you came to tell me that there was a man at the door with a drill and you were scared because there was a man at the door with a drill and it was the man coming to fix the hot tub who's been here so many times okay i didn't recognize him in my defense i there's a man with a drill oh no i opened the gate and there was a bloke i was in the house by myself or i might have been with rave i

can't remember um i opened the gate and he was just stood at the gate with a drill in his hand yeah yeah it wasn't people come to murder people with drills in broad daylight in the middle of the street. They fucking do, Chris. On the fucking things you listen to that are like one in a million. They actually do. So anyway, I had to wait until he got really close.

I didn't open the door and then I seen the hot tub thing on and there was a second of us going. His uniform. His uniform. Because he stole that off someone. So you thought he'd murdered the hot tub man just to come and get you.

Yeah. Right. I'm quite an attractive woman. Stop listening. Stop, Bailey. Stop listening. Baby, no, this is going to take us into a much serious, much more serious thing.

Well, we're doing a comedy podcast. Well, okay, but as a woman, you have to always be on your guard. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Go and talk about that at Cuddle Club. Right. Right? That man maybe should have thought,

hang on, should I go to someone's house with just a drill in me hand? Is that a little bit... It's been multiple times. Fair enough. He's the guy who comes and fixes the hotel. Yeah, but I'm sorry.

No disrespect to him. He's a lovely guy, right? You're all lovely if you listen to this. You're a very nice guy. He's coming to the live show. But people are lovely people. Still kill people.

Right. Jesus. Stop. Stop listening to true crime. It's actually ruining your life. I will never it's ridiculous it's not

it makes me life better I'm you know scared of your own fucking shadow I'm not I've always been scared of me Chris try growing up as a woman I've always been scared of my own shadow

do what you should do do what you should do what BJJ no I just I'm just always on my guard be on your guard

be on your back on your guard have a closed guard throw a triangle up from your closed guard throw an armbar up you've got men have no idea

what it's like I'm sorry it goes into a much more serious thing but you've got no idea what it's like growing up as a female and

it's weird Chris it's really weird really weird congratulations you've made it serious and unfunny just like the fucking true crime shit

you listen to you're annoyed that I got a little bit scared about the man coming to the door with a drill. It's ridiculous. With his hot tub uniform on. To fix the hot tub at the time that I said the man to fix the hot tub is coming. You.

Wally. I did recognise him in the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah! Ah! Oh, hello, yes yes around the back i just won't turn on do you want a cup of tea

will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for cam age the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

You know, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year the first omen

in theaters Friday get tickets now Rock City you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night

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Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. this next section of the podcast is brought to you by gregs oh yeah rosie we've made it we have finally made it we've made it all of that we are sponsored by gregs which is just a great day for me to be fair personally uh gregs are actually big listeners to the podcast so much so that they've brought to my attention something that i'd never considered before right okay what's that uh you know how we like sort of use the podcast as a place to air our grievances and basically just like you know what's your beef have a go at each other yeah chris it's the favorite part of my week right well they think that they know why we do it and to be fair they may have a point right go on they think that we gregs think we are hangry oh right okay and that's why we're

always having to go at each other uh do you know what i mean i do get very hungry you might be right actually can i just say i'm i'm extremely hungry now right so explain the situation to break the fourth wall to break the fourth wall right what's happened is we've been sent a load of delicious greg's goodies and i went downstairs and i sort of unboxed them and i put them all on a platter and i've carried them upstairs and they're right in front of rosie now and have you seen them well have you seen them sort of them dogs at the train where they put a treat on its nose and it's just like staring at the treat and then they go go on then it goes i feel like when we have to start i feel like when you have to eat this you are going to lose your mind but uh they've sent with some amazing tasty

beautiful hot and cold and sweet goodies um this is the best day of my life what have we have got in front of us we've got sausage rolls yeah ofs um we have got which i haven't had for so long what i need to do is i need to have a sausage roll while you're just passing me a bit of sausage roll i'm gonna have a bit of sausage roll while you end a bit always i'm gonna have a bit of sausage roll while you're describing to me what else is there well we've also, we've also got chicken bakes. I haven't had one of these for years. I've never had one.

You've never? Excuse me? No. You've never had a chicken bake? You're a sausage roll guy, aren't you? Massively. Through and through. Finish what you're eating.

You hurry up and finish eating so you can talk because I want to eat this. Ready? You're going to eat a chicken bake. Are you done? Okay. I'm not really done. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. What's eat a chicken bake. Are you done? Right, okay. I'm not really done. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.

What's in a chicken bake? Chicken. And bake. Do you know what it tastes like? What? Do you know when you were a kid and you got chicken casserole at school? Right, no.

Well, personally, I love chicken casserole. I just had jam sandwiches. I was a terrible eater. It tastes like chicken casserole in a pasty. Right. Oh, gosh.

So what else have we got here? We've got sausage and bean melt. Absolute game changer when that came out. They said, what's your favourite Greggs? And I said, tandoori chicken baguette

and they've sent it over. Tandoori chicken baguette, yeah. So listen, can you pass me a bit of chicken day? Yeah, yeah. It's going to blow your mind. I'm very excited. I'm very excited.

Apologies, this is probably extremely awful to listen to. What do you think? Wow. Wow. It's like chicken soup in a pasty.

That's what I meant, yeah. It's unbelievable It is, isn't it? I might have found my new thing from Greggs Oh Oh, good God So If you're listening now

Feeling peckish So is it, Greggs You know who's relying on Greggs? I tell you what, our kids They've been having Greggs since they were very young Oh, nothing wrong with that Speaking of the kids They've actually done a little box there

we've got they've sent a pink jammy a sugar strand donut a caramel custard donut sugar strand I think it's called sugar strand

it's one of the sprinkles that's my favourite a jam donut standard standard been having them since I was a kid and a little cupcake

on top for me I mean the children you're having a bit of sandwich now as well I think we've lost Rosie are we meant to talk this is horrific sorry everyone I'm just currently having lost Rosie I'm not meant to talk this is horrific sorry everyone

just currently having me lunch I'm going to go out on a limb here right we travel up and down the country a lot to us you have been a lot longer than me but I used to be in touring cabaret bands I I'm going to say it

I think Greggs are the best sandwiches best bought sandwiches from shops 100% I couldn't agree more yeah they are aren't they I'm genuinely over the moon to be sponsored by Greggs been eating Greggs since I was a very young lad big shout out to the Greggs in South Shields

right I'm done I am so full Chris full of 96 layers of flaky sausage roll and pastry or full of joy both actually well good but I'm glad you're full of joy because as well as what's your beef that we're doing this week why don't we're in the in a spirit of not being hungry anymore thanking to greg's why don't we say something nice you say something nice that i've done this

week and i'll say something nice that you've done this week do we have to we do have to okay i'm taking all the gregs away no no i'm not actually i'm on way through you told us to stop eating hang on let me have a think i'm gonna have to have to think. I'll go first. I've got quite a while about this. I'll go first. Okay. You're amazing at organising all of the stuff for the kids. When the kids are going somewhere, the state of your mum and dad's the other day when we did the TV show,

you're incredible at packing all that stuff away and you're so organised with it, I wouldn't know what to do without you. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Do you mean that? I do. That's really sweet.

Your turn. Oh. Do you know what you uh you are good doing little jobs for me you got the washing out the room and you took it downstairs yeah didn't put it in but you but you did it you did i went and found the passports for you as well you did you know i'm gonna find them stuff you do little jobs and i'm grateful for it so thank you yeah great there you go So thank you. Great. There you go. Yay, that was nice. Are you okay? I feel a bit sick. It was all that.

You're too fast. No, no. It was the compliments. Tell the truth. The compliments are making you feel ill. It's nice. Everyone knows we love each other. We do.

Now, remember, you can find out more on the Greggs app. Basically, whenever you need to find some joy, they've got you covered. With a deal at breakfast, you can get a roll and a hot drink for £2.60. At lunch, you can get a sandwich and any drink from £3.60. And after 4pm, there's a pizza and drink deal from £2.40. I love the pizza from Greg's. Oh, Robin loves it as well. Oh, yeah, he does, yeah.

Our son absolutely loves it. Grab tasty, freshly made food and get more mmm for your money. Greg's. Bag some joy. Right, don't eat that last donut because we're going to have to save something for your money. Greg's. Bag some joy. Right, don't eat that last donut because we're going to have to save something for the kids. Absolutely not. No, Chris, come on.

They'll see the box. They have not done any work. They have not done any work towards this. It's mine. I'll get rid of the box. I'll eat the box as well. I'm not scared. Wow.

It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmardinoid at gmail.com. Send me your icks, send me your would-you-rathers, send me your mysteries, send me your shit stories, send me whatever you bloody like. We'll love it.

Thank you so, so much. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Love the podcast loads and still keeping up as I'm traveling Central America. Ooh. Cool. Currently in Tikal Mayan ruins. I don't know where that is. Central America. Ooh. Cool. Currently in Tikal Mayan ruins. I don't know where that is. Central America somewhere.

And just watch this couple. God almighty. Wow. What is in Central America? Is in Central America, like, I think it's like Mexico way? Isn't that South America? Well, no.

Because isn't South America like Brazil and all that? I mean, I'm sounding like an idiot here now. I'm sure Mexico is South America. Okay, so Central America. Is it like Australia where there's nothing there? They're at the ruins and i've just watched this couple do the biggest ick right they've witnessed another couple okay so they're on holiday they're at the ruins and they've just watched another couple yeah they

are sitting opposite each other and applying sun cream to each other's faces at the same time i knew you were gonna say same time i knew you were gonna say say same time. I knew you were going to say same time. That's fucking horrible. The reason I've read this out is because obviously we've just been away and me and Kate, honestly, when we get on that sun lounger, we are horrible, right? We are so bitchy

and just watching around the pool. I mean, it's great. It's good for everyone, doesn't it? It's fantastic. You know, like... People watching around the pool. I'm a clip. I look like an absolute clip. But obviously everyone else gets slated yeah so there was this

couple um on holiday and he every day every day chris every day he kept rubbing cream into our ass like sorry seductively onto her ass cheeks or into her ass practically in our ass i'm not even joking right on her arse cheeks. Packing her full of UV protection. She was laying on her front. Right. And he'd do the back of her legs and he'd move his way up.

And then he'd just do her arse cheeks for ages, right? Right. And you know when you're just like, this is awful. They had kids with them. And... What?

Kids are all burning bright red. Dad, can we have some cream? Shut up! I'm creaming your mum's arse. Dad, please dad. Please, there's no umbrellas. Get in the pool of your heart. They shit in their head, dad.

Anyway, it was disgusting. And you know when you're like, there's no need. just no and i'm not approved i don't mind a bit of pda but it was just too much right so obviously we made we tried to guess their whole life right okay um kate was kate went naively with their marriage and that's their kids i was like no no no no no no this is a new relationship they're not one of their kids those are you know do you know what no no no no no this is a new relationship they're not one of their kids those are you know

do you know what I mean I was like this is a new nobody right one of the kids was fucking nine right I was like nobody

who's had children for nine years is on a sun lounger creaming their partner's arse I'm sorry yeah that stops at at least three

absolutely no that is not they are not together, that is not. They are not together. That's not their kids. What if she's just got an extremely sensitive arse and it just burns all the time? Then just put it on. He was caressing it on like a fucking masseuse.

It was disgusting. Chris, don't get me wrong. Put a bit of sun cream on the bum, but it was... How much of a bum was shown? Quite a lot of it. So she had like a thong thing on? Yeah, I don't get them.. Put a bit of sun cream on the bum, but it was... How much of a bum was shown? Quite a lot of it. So she had like a thong thing on. Yeah, I don't get them. That's another thing.

You just want to tan. People just want to tan the bum. Is that what it is? Yeah, I think we talked about it before. I don't want to stand them around the pool. But... No, listen, each to their own. Wear what you want.

But like... Great. I just... You've got a thong on. And see your arse. Literally. See your full arse well

if you can see it so can Mr Sun so it needs a lot of cream on it well there you fair enough Rosie it was just just practising

safe UV protection and I don't know why you're being so horrible about it do you want that woman to have a burnt arse is that what this is

no but you were annoyed that there was no one there to put cream on your arse little bit right little bit

have you considered just squirting a load of cream onto the floor and just dragging your arse? A little bit. Right. A little bit. Have you considered just squirting a load of cream onto the floor and just dragging your arse along like a dog on a carpet? I should have went up to him and went, are you doing these for everybody? Excuse me, are you out together

or are you some kind of service at this hotel? Because I noticed the children's player isn't open and there is shit in the pool, but is the arse cream service in full swing yet? Because you look like you're working overtime, Sunshine. Well, do you want to know we did find out that they weren't

actually his kids because we're calling him by his first name. Right, really? Yeah. Well done you. Got to the end of that. Jesus.

Made us feel better about our marriage, actually. Got you. Right, okay. Good, good. I'm not creaming your arse on holiday this weekend.

No, exactly, but would you of? Not even if you call it your butt. I'm not creaming your butt. I'm not creaming your arse. Would you possibly of ten years ago? No, I your butt. I'm not creaming your butt. I'm not creaming your arse. Would you possibly of 10 years ago? No, I don't think I did 10 years ago, no.

If you get me to cream your arse. 10 years ago when you could have creamed me arse and we could have got a bit excited and went up to the room and had sex. But now, creaming me arse, getting a bit excited. Oh, mommy, mommy. I don't want to wear me hat. No hat.

No hat, mommy. No hat. No hat, mummy. No hat. Ray. Raisins. It's not getting anyone wet, Chris, by the side of the pool, so. Okay, I will keep that in mind. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

I saw a thing that went viral. One of these, now and then, I just see screen grabs of tweets that go like a viral tweet. And I just thought it belonged on the podcast. And I thought you might not have seen it. So I thought I'd read it. You might have.

I might have. So someone just tweeted, what's the most awkward first date you've ever had? Have you read this one? No. It made me laugh so much. Right. So a man tweeted that out and a woman replied. One tweet, just to fit this all into 180 characters

or whatever it is now on Twitter. I don't know, Elon Musk's probably made it two characters now or something. I've deleted Twitter. Headbanger. He took me to his parents' favourite spot. We saw his mom there

feeding strawberries to another man. He was about to confront her but his dad came out of the bathroom and sat with them and he grabbed the man's hand. That was the night he learned that his parents liked to tag team other men.

I mean, you're not getting a second date after that, are you? Oh, jeez Louise. Wasn't that a fucking rollercoaster of emotions? That's, uh, wow. Unbelievable, that. Hey, me mam's cheating on that. Oh no, they're both fucking.

Oh my God. Look at all the cream on my mum's arse. Unbelievable. That's why you always ring or text ahead. Yeah, yeah.

Don't, just don't pop around. Who pops around anymore? Nobody, don't pop, ring. Now, they weren't in the house,

it was their favourite spot, so it must have been a restaurant or a place or, you know, because the dad came back from the bathroom, so she went to... He took her to his parents' favourite spot, not the house, so it must have been a restaurant or whatever. Did you mention a field? No, that just came from your fucking brain.

Why? What's happening? I thought they were in a field and she's feeding them strawberries. Am I? Because strawberries grow in fields. You think... Oh, God. So whenever you want to have a strawberry, do you go to the field and she's feeding them strawberries am i because strawberries grow in fields you think oh so whenever you want to have a strawberry do you go to the field and eat it because they're not allowed to be taken out of the field i take things i take things sometimes what people say from tv shows that we've just watched uh no i'll tell you exactly what you do you don't listen yes there we go

dear chris and rosie i am a children's poet and also new to running. Hmm, well. Wow. Hell nosy, oh. Just, what a strange introduction. I know. Can you imagine if someone came up to you and said that in person? Yeah.

If you were at an office party or somewhere. Yeah, you're right. I'm a, Ross, what do you do? I'm a children's poet and I'm also new to running. Okay, alien, alien pretending to be a human. I'm on... Oh, so what do you do? I'm a children's poet. I'm also new to running. Okay. Alien pretending to be a human. I'm on to you. I recently joined a running club. So it does make sense.

And in an effort to get to know the people there, went to a recent baby shower. One of the running club members had her little boy with her, five years old. And we had a laugh together, trying to brum his car the length of the hall. So far, normal. So normal.

Okay. Apparently, he was quite taken with me to the extent that he told his teacher about me the following day at school okay unfortunately when trying to tell her he'd met an author called con he didn't quite get it right here we go right it's all falling into place yes right school rang his mum to tell her they wanted to just check on a safeguarding issue as he'd been telling his teacher that on the weekend

he'd met a famous person called Con and he was a whore. Oh, God. Oh, I love kids. oh god so all right so this kid this man's an author he's got a con right so con is an author yeah author and he does books and so you might have read all your books he's famous he famous person called con and he's a whore marvelous so it's about a nickname but i don't know whether to tell you that famous person called con and he's a whore fucking marvellous marvellous babadoo babadoo babadoo ba so it's about a nickname but I don't know whether to tell you

it says here I thought I would write to tell you why my nickname in the family is this I don't know whether to tell you what it is before I tell the story tell the whole story then tells what the nickname is at the end yeah but I don't think it ruins the story if you know.

Is the nickname extremely self-explanatory or is the nickname... If you said this is such and such, would I immediately know why they were called that? No. Would I not put it together in my head? I don't think so. So it's just like spiffy or squippy or something.

I'm going to do it the way it's written. Go for it. Because I think if people... If that's how you enjoyed it, then that's fair enough. Yeah. But it's not... So it's not like my nickname is Got Knob Caught in Caw Door and this is why. No, no, no. enough. Yeah. But it's not, so it's not like my nickname is

got knob caught in car door and this is why. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I don't want that. I don't know why we went to that. Okay. This is what happens in the,

so this is, this is the discussing in between emails. The, the, the, the joke element. Right. Yeah. Dear Rosie and Chris,

please keep me anonymous. Yeah. Dear Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. Yeah. After hearing episode 222 and the colonoscopy ick, I thought I would write and tell you why my nickname in the family is Double Wipes.

Right. I've had multiple operations on my lower spine and because of this, every time I have to go to the hospital for checkups on my spine, the evil finger police do their due diligence by probing my back passage to check to see if my spine is still intact.

Obviously, the fact I'm able to walk isn't enough of a fucking clue. No, finger up the arse. How's that spine's that spine fine yeah i did a marathon yesterday good drop your pants see you this time next year can't help but notice you've uh is your eye okay you got a touch of conjunctivitis there yeah it's a little bit yeah right drop your pants is that oh what's up there oh sorry me fillings just fell out oh your fillings fell out. Drop your pants. Drop your pants. I was asked if on this particular occasion...

Sorry, I'm just slightly down a bit today. Me grandma died. Oh, your grandma died? Pants down? Be fair, my chair, you're... Anyway, carry on. I was asked if on this particular occasion if I would mind student doctors being present.

Now, I'm all for learning, but not at the expense of my dignity, so politely declined the offer. It was on a hospital ward, so they had plenty to see other than my arse being fingered. Dr. Massive Finger, not his real name,

but trust me. Dr. Tree Trunk. Dr. Tentacle. Dr. Massive Finger. Began by pulling around the curtain for privacy and then applied an overly excessive amount of lube. I don't think there can be enough. I disagree.

Enough to fill a jelly mould. Yeah, no, I disagree fully. Yeah, more. I want his hand in it. Having probed me with suspicious figure, whilst whistling, for fuck's sake, he proceeded to wipe away the lube. He walked over the bin to deposit the wipe,

and I began to pull up my pants and recover some dignity. Dignity soon disappeared, however, as he rather loudly announced, I'm not finished. I need to wipe your backside more. I've made a bit of a mess, I'm afraid. I had the mortifying moment of having to slowly pull my pants down again

so a grown man could finish wiping my arse crack for a second time. At the end of the examination, thankfully all was good and I was about to leave when the doctor pulled back the curtain. To my sheer horror, the entire group of medical students had congregated

on the other side of the curtain. That's not fair. And had listened to the entire episode. That's not fair. As I walked away, avoiding eye contact, I heard one of the students whisper in a mocking tone, double wipes. They said it. I thought it would have been his mates.

But they said it. That's so unprofessional. I made the mistake of telling my lovely, amazing wife what had occurred and how embarrassed I had been. So, of course, she proceeded to tell her entire family. Double wipes. Nothing says love like a card addressed to Mr. Double Wipes coming through your door on your birthday.

I don't think they've done it in a mocking... Well, no, mocking maybe, but I think they've done it as in like a... Double wipe. Yeah, yeah, it must have been... You know? Double wipes. It must be a thing.

That's fucking wonderful. Oh my God, I love it. Double wipes. I love it so much. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi guys, this story isn't about me, but please keep me anonymous Oh my god, I love it. Double wipes. I love it so much. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Hi guys, this story isn't about me, but please keep me anonymous in case the lad it is about listens. Because if he does, he will definitely know it's him and I can't be arsed with the aggro if he finds out it was me who told you this story.

Fine. My friend had been with her boyfriend for a couple of years until she found out he was cheating on her. Very long story but won't bore you with this. Chris, I know you love details, but the backstory is irrelevant, I promise. Okay, thank you. Do you know what? I feel seen. Well done.

I feel seen and thank you. My friend moved out of the house she shared with her now ex-boyfriend and has continually, over the last few months, been on that awful cycle of cutting all contact, but then somehow speaking to and sleeping with him again. It always happens. Yeah, that one. Don't ask me how this to and sleeping with him again. It always happens. Yeah, that one. Don't ask me how this happens.

I don't know. It's ridiculous. But sadly, it does happen. Well, yeah. It has with me. Whenever you break up with someone, you always shag them a few times and say, it'll be the last time.

And then sometimes the last time happens and you go, ah, that is the last time actually. I've never done that. Sorry? I've never had sex with someone after I broke up with them. Ever. It's never happened. Sorry? I've never had sex with someone after I broke up with them. Ever. Never happened. Really?

Yeah. Never happened. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you loveless shitbag. I'm not loveless. I just, you know, I know what I want.

I'm driven. I've got a vision. Oh, no. Yeah. I always go back for more. Yeah. Like a... Slag. I didn't say it. I didn't say it. I didn't say it. No, I always go back for more. Like a... Slag.

I didn't say it. I didn't say it. I didn't say it. No, I always do. So for us to start having regular sex, we just need to break up. Yeah. Yay!

Yeah. Nah, nah, never. I wouldn't go back to you. Oh, good. Right. Anyway, one night they were messaging and it was getting a bit sexual. So she invited him round.

Yeah. He said he would pack a bag. not of staying over items, just weight. Oh, okay. And be round as soon as he could. He got round there and they began having sex. It was at this point he put a butt plug inside her, had himself in her vagina and a dildo in her mouth. Good grief!

He apparently has an unusual fetish for wanting lots of men to have sex with her in every available hole at the same time. Heavens to Betsy! In brackets, each to their own, I suppose. Fair enough. Anyway, so she's there. What a bag of them!

So she's there, all holes filled. Disgusting. And he whispers in her ear, That's it. You're airtight now oh god now now i don't consider myself to be a prude but when she told me this story i honestly felt sick what is this his. How did she breathe? Why did he whisper this in her ear?

Does he think it was sexy? I have so many questions that I absolutely do not want answers to. I want answers. Also, the scientific factual inaccuracies of that have upset me massively. He hasn't blocked her nose. Nose, ears. Idiot. Paws in her skin.

Yeah. Fucking God. That's it. Not much of a scientist, are you? That's disgusting. That's absolutely disgusting. I'll bring a bag. Where's he got them from?

What? Dildos and butt. Why's he got them? Why's he brought them over? Why are they at his house? What do you mean? He said, I'll pack a bag, not an overnight bag. Right?

Meaning he bought his bag of tricks. Yeah. That's where the dildos and the butt plugs came from. Yeah. Why does he own them? Chris? Because he's a grown man. He can buy them himself.

Like, what are you talking about? But it's weird. It's weird to you. It's not weird to other people. Someone you know blows up lasses' vaginas on a fucking one-night stand. He blows up their arses. How dare you?

Sorry, fair enough. How dare you? But people have got bags of tricks. And he's someone I know. I know someone who knows him. He's not in my phone book. Listen, people, we are vanilla. We are wham bam, thank you, ma'am.

No, we've talked about this before. What? The fact that the man has, it's like a fucking, it's like the PE box at school for the PE kit that you lend. I understand a woman having sex toys, but a bloke going,

oh, this is the communal dildo I use on everyone, by the way. That's what I find weird. Right, okay. I've brought me box of dildos. Why have you got a box of dildos, mate? Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Do you not, so here's a question, because I'm, I don't know.

I can tell you right now, no, I don't own a dildo, next question. Okay, do you know any of your mates who own dildos? I imagine it would be shared between them and their partner. Yeah. I don't know anyone who just has a collection of dildos like some kind of dildo assassin like a dildo ninja let's put this full of dildos and nunchucks and nunchuck dildos no okay i'm just trying to put in when i was young and had used to have casual sex okay how would you turn up if he goes this is my selection of dildos which one would you turn up if he goes, this is my selection of dildos, which one would you like to pick? This is disgusting.

I don't want any of them. I can't imagine being... I'm sure we've talked about this before. I don't want a communal dildo. What if you were late for work and you haven't cleaned this dildo? What's the history of this dildo? How drunk am I? Yeah, fair enough.

Because if I'm drunk, I'll probably go, wow. We came prepared. Yeah. Fresh batteries. You're all right. I'll go to the cinema with you.

Fully charged. Yeah. Okay. No, fair enough. It is a bit manky. I just, personally, right, if I had something up my bum

in my vagina at the same time I would be really it would hurt it would be uncomfortable it would be uncomfortable I can't imagine it I feel like some people

are used to these things yeah I can't imagine it being nice anytime I've ever seen porn and there's one I'm just like oh babe that crowded car park innit

it's just too much Chris it's just like you've had your mouth really full where It's just too much, Chris. It's just like, you've had your mouth really full. When you bite off too much of a sandwich or whatever, it's like sticking

in the roof of your mouth and you're like, oh God, I've done too far here. Yeah, I've got to keep your mouth shut and wait for the saliva

to dissolve some of this. Yeah, well it's like having a shit when you've got a tampon in. Can't say I've ever been there. It's not pleasant. Right, okay.

It's like, it's a really funny, it's a weird, it's like not, but then again, people might like that pain i personally don't call those people perverts now listen another thing you you touched on it there you said uh you said for a laugh you said i'll go to the cinema with you i've seen a few videos online recently of you in the cinema taking your own food in again you cannot cannot take, Rosie, you cannot take a Toby Carvery into the cinema. It's rude.

No, I don't care if it's in a bag for life. No, I've seen videos of people, you can get these, what they're called, remote, they're controlled by an app on your phone. They're like love egg things. Yeah. And they're controlled, you can control the vibration by the app on your phone. And I've seen videos recently of someone in the cinema

with one in and the woman's sitting there and the man's sitting next to her yeah and he's just fangirling about with her phone and he's got the camera on her face and just like

can't concentrate on the film and I've seen one at the beach as well what the hell's going on I don't know what it wasn't on porn by the way this was on Instagram this popped up oh really

yeah an advert for them yeah oh right it'll be to do with the disgusting stuff we're talking about on this podcast. My phone's listening. Right?

Okay. I've never, I've never, wait, I'm so boring. I've never tried a love egg. If you, now my pelvis, it would slip out.

Public service announcement. If I'm ever in the cinema and you are near me and you have a love egg in and your boyfriend or husband is controlling the love egg on the phone and you are making a scene, you're getting two litres of coke

thrown in your fucking face. What's worse though? Someone being fingered? Yeah. Or someone... I think the love egg's a bit better to be honest with you. It's a bit more conspicuous, isn't it?

In all honesty, someone being fingered... They're not touching the banister after. Well... Arm rest. Someone being fingered in the cinema next to us or someone in the love egg or someone eating a full Toby Carvery

I'd rather go for any of the other two rather than the Toby Carvery I am not sitting next to someone lashing down stuffing balls will you stop mentioning Toby Carvery

because I want a Toby Carvery now I want one should we go for tea no thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of

Shag Married Annoyed which is part of the Acast Creator Network well done on remembering the name of your own podcast there because it nearly didn't come out did it

thank you so much for listening we'll be back in years next week as always if you want to get in touch if you want to send anything in

shagdmarriedannoyed at gmail.com big love back in your years bye bitches bye lovely people bye Bye, bitches. Bye, lovely people. Bye. Bye. unmissable evening features her way and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of

Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.