Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 225. Yolo

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

Chris and Rosie talk soft parenting, celebrities taking part in combat sports and if it's okay to be using YOLO as a greeting! Also this week they try an answer a snail conundrum and have a shared beef! And as a special treat, friend of the podcast Carl Hutchinson makes a rare appearance! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother Mother of what?

Is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil Movie of the year It's not real, it's not real Who said that? The First Omen The Impeders Friday Gets it gets now

YOLO You're listening to Shag Marginoid With me Rosie Ramsey And my husband Christopher Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey I don't know how many times I have to tell you it gives us the ick

when you do it in real life when you pick up the phone when Kate rings you you pick up the phone and go YOLO do you not like it at all it means you only live once it doesn't mean

it's not a greeting I think you'll find it is it's not a greeting it's not a hello no you only live once how are you no

no it's not that why it's it's you know it's you only live once how are you no no it's not that why it's it's you know it's you tell someone

it's a thing that came about of like oh god oh I've got five nights out in a row this week ah YOLO you know you only live once

go for it yeah you know make the most of it yeah it's not a greeting it's not well excuse me I think you'll find

it is my greeting like yo because it's got YOLO great no no you can't say YOL greeting like yo because it's got yo in it great no no you can't say

yolo as a greeting it's been bothering us for some time has it now yeah but I always forget about it but you happen to have just done it now

yeah tensions are high in the studio today aren't they tensions are high do you know what it is I've been out two nights on the run

not even out I've just been drinking with friends yeah shirking your family duties kids don't recognise you it just happened at the same time

Robin yesterday said is mam out again of course he did of course he did so on Sunday he said is mam gonna fall asleep early because she's been drinking beer

no he didn't yeah yeah he did no he actually didn't I swear I swear well beer he's off he's well off

yeah of course he is I don't drink beer yeah well he doesn't know does he but I said she was at the beer I said you're at the beer bar and he said she's gonna fall asleep early because she drinks beer

and I said well no and the beer. I said, you're at the beer bar. And he said, she's going to fall asleep early because she drinks beer. And I said, well, no. And then, yeah, yesterday he said, is she out again? And I said, yes, son, she is out again. They didn't ask when you're out. Because it never happens. You're all out. I have never left these four walls.

But yeah, you're a little bit hungover. Like, I'm not. I don't even think I'm hungover. I'm just tired. Yeah. Can't do it anymore, mate. Too old. I can't, honestly. I can't.'t kind of do it but you've had whatever the fuck you just ate microwave beef hot pot at your desk in the studio which i was strongly against but you've done it and then

just after that you burped and announced that smells like raw mop heron uh so it's just it's just a really really healthy working environment that i'm. I'm just having one of them days where I can't be bothered to actually cook anything. So I'm just eating loads of weird little bits of stuff. I know, because when I came up, I had to move a fucking cereal bowl with loads of milk in it. Yeah, I had a bowl of cereal as well. Off the desk as well, off my side of the desk. Honestly, it's like working with a fucking teenager. All right.

Sick. And then you're saying YOLO like an old woman who doesn't know when to say the cool young hip phrase honestly I quite like YOLO because it does what it says on the tin no

but no it doesn't you've marked the tin but I'm just saying you've marked the tin wrong it's not a greeting I'm not going to stop doing it

so you might as well carry on bye everyone lol yeah lol lol what were you saying I'm saying bye lol's not bye I've never ever used lol I've never used lol in life it so you might as well carry on all right bye everyone lol yeah lol lol can i just say bye lol's not bye i've never ever used lol i've never used lol in life or in a text message i don't like

lol my point is you're using it wrong yolo is not a greeting do you understand what i'm saying do you understand what i'm saying right right yolo it's fine it's not a greeting you're here right but yeah are you using YOLO all the time because YOLO you only live once yeah yeah

how out of date are we YOLO was a thing easily five years ago maybe more what I don't understand why you're still

talking about this can we carry on I'm just sorry I'm just I'll only use it with Kate I don't use it with anyone else you just used it to literally millions of people

at the beginning of this podcast ah they don't count they get it wow they get my personality well listen you'll know yourself it's episode 225

thank you so much for being here thank you so much for listening and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor keep it in with the negativity let's barrel in with more negativity why not eh this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Keep it in with the negativity. Let's barrel in with more negativity. Why not, eh?

This week's sponsor is self-important, patronising Instagram parenting posts. Oh, right, okay. Go and get in the fucking bin. What a noisier. How good a parent can you be if all you do is post on Instagram about your parenting? Go fuck yourself.

I'm sick of seeing them. Right. I'm sick of seeing them. Oh, don't say be careful to your child oh yeah what was this one i'll get that in the end it's the first of list of three don't hold the hand like this oh don't oh this oh hold the hand differently oh that's bad oh don't make them eat all their food on their plate listen don't tell me what to do oh sick bullshit chris don't they don Rosie Chris the be careful one

really fucked me off yesterday but do you know what's really sad what happens is people nowadays are very like very critical

of their own parents sometimes me but then they watch Instagram and they're even more critical and they think

they're terrible parents because of their people it's all bollocks it's all bullshit the be careful one was stupid

it said don't tell me I hate gentle parents what a crock of shit two things I've got tollocks ignore it all the be careful one was stupid it said don't tell you I hate gentle parenting what a crock of shit two things I've got to tell you first of all the gentle parent I saw an amazing tweet

about gentle not a tweet I don't go into it anymore I saw an amazing post about gentle parenting which said gentle parenting can only be done

if you've got gentle children the rest of us the rest of us have got to square up to and fight the little bullies we created oh my god yeah

totally right you're totally right our kids can't be Robin don't do it well okay but fair enough I think I'm a lot gentler with Rafe because Rafe is a lot

a bit more of a gentle kid a lot more of a gentle kid with Robin but oh if Robin this is your warning to leave the soft play yeah you just laughed in my face

you literally there's another one I saw another one sorry I saw another one the other day going don't tell them you're going without them oh yeah don't say i'm leaving you because then you've told them that if they're bad you're gonna leave them yes yes if you're bad i'm gonna

fucking leave so get in the car now or i'm never gonna see you again it's a lot of bollocks isn't it it is bullshit oh it's just like i'm sorry but i just i don't think you're traumatising your kid that much by going... That much? But no, okay. Well, I'll say that differently. We've just negated all of our advice. I think you need a little bit of a shock. I think you need a little bit of trauma in your life because what you're going to be... Life is shit.

Life's hard. They're going to get to an age where they just get shit on by other people and they're going to be like, nobody's ever trapped me like this. And I'm like, yeah, because your mum and dad wrapped you up in cotton wool and expect you to be okay, no?

Do you know what? I'm leaving the park now and if you're not coming then you're going to be here by yourself. All right then. And then the bogeyman's going to come and get you. You see that old derelict house? That's where we drop you off

if you're a bastard. That one there, there's a monster lives in there. That's where we'll take you there. And you see that room? Don't go in that room. That's where daddy's stuff is. You'll get killed if you go in there. I'll just put loads in there. you see that room don't go in that room that's where daddy's stuff is you'll get killed

if you go in there I'll just put loads in there no I do it all the time I'm like right I'm going but to be fair it is different kids

because Rafe if you go I'm going he goes okay mammy it comes all the way I'm like fucking hell

Robin no you literally had to pretend to leave and even then he didn't give a shit if we'd gentle parented with Robin he would probably be

in some kind of child prison by now yeah I agree because he would have just ran fucking ragged um Rafe I went to the bank

the other day and Rafe just stood I was doing some stuff at the bank like chatting to the I don't know what the teller bank teller

is that an American thing the lady who worked in the bank cashier woman yeah I was standing talking to her doing some stuff

and filling some forms in he just stood there yeah I know he just stood he stood at my leg just standing there waiting for us. He does what you're telling him. He's like a very well-trained Labrador.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Robin was like a fucking werewolf. In the shops with Rafe, I'll go, Rafe, come back here. And he comes back. And I'm like- Don't touch that. Don't do that. And he doesn't do it.

It's unbelievable. I know. So you can gentle parent a bit more with Rafe. A little bit with Robin. Absolutely. But then still, still oh mommy's leaving now come on let's time to go i've seen people do that for 15 minutes and i want to grab the kids by the arm and go where's your car i'll take them because i can't watch you holding up the

fucking queue i can't watch you do this anymore where's your car give us the keys i'll go grab your kid i will grab your kid and i'll put them over my shoulders and i'll put them in the car seat for you. How are you? Because you're killing us here by watching you do this bullshit. And now that they've gone, get out there. They've gone, right. Two sausage rolls, a steak bake.

Yeah? You're in, Greggs. That was the story. Oh, God, honestly. You're getting us annoyed by just thinking about these. The one I saw about don't tell them be careful. It was like, don't say be careful because it makes them think that there's danger ahead. There is danger ahead.

Yeah, that's why you're saying be careful. That's why I'm saying be careful because there's danger. You have to be scared of danger. So what you meant is, what you meant to do? What the fucking planet were you on here? Well, I don't know.

It was like, say things like, take your time. I'm here if you need us. Same thing. It's, oh. It's exhausting. The only thing I am really, really big on with kids is from a very young age,

telling them who can touch their private parts. I'm so sorry to bring the podcast down, but from really young. I mean, yeah. It's not down. It's really important. I think that's the one thing. The problem is,

talking about something like this on our podcast makes it sound like we're about to go, but we're actually not I'm being serious from being like to the point where I spoke to Robin about it again

so Robin's seven and I spoke to him recently about it because I like to do it just every few months and I'm like so you remember the only people

who your private part or your private part nobody else is to see them and you know and he literally was like I know

only you're allowed to wash me bum. And I'm like, all right, fair enough. He was quite angry by the end of it. Change the fucking record, mother. I get it. Knob, mine, bum, mine, you, wash, done. Shut up.

Anyway. Fucking do what works for you. And as long as your kids are loved and just don't try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Because I saw, I'd literally been holding Rafe's arm like straight when I was walking with him a little bit.

And then I sort of think, oh, that can fucking, that can make them die. And I was like, oh God. And it's like, I'm not swinging him by one arm around my head in the carport like a fucking catapult.

I just, I just feel like something really dangerous is happening in society. i'm i'm like really worried about it yeah we have gone deep because i think about this quite a lot and i feel like don't get me wrong maybe our parents weren't perfect there was a lot of things you know that might have been able to do differently but i feel like me personally my mom and dad did really well bringing us up and i want to do what they did there's another thing so i'm very much i'm quite big on if a kid falls over you're all come on come on wipe it off shake

it like our kids literally shake it because you can tell if they've fallen over and they've really hurt themselves obviously yeah are you okay cuddle cry you know have a little cry how do you feel but if they're just if they're all right i am big on the kind of up you get you're okay so i've watched parents and and it's like every time they fall over they've broken an arm yeah yeah and i just but the kids are so now every time they do it they're just so monitor scream and cry and i'm like i feel like you have caused a bit of that by not kind of going we're okay don't worry because kids fall over all the fucking time oh like they trip over constantly and i didn't know the thing with rave is though rave will do that

screaming the slightest touch but only if it was brought on him by robin yeah rave the other day ran into a radiator ran full pelton radiator shook it off kept going and i thought that would have floored me when I was a kid Robin literally touches his elbow and he drops down like a footballer

he drops down like a footballer on the Champions League final hold up a red card it's fucking incredible anything to get Robin in trouble

me and Robin do a lot of side eye behind Rafe's back really yeah me and Robin have got like a little thing

where we're kind of he knows that he's being ridiculous and I know that so Robin's kind of like looks at me and goes and I like a little thing where we're kind of he knows that he's being ridiculous and I know that so Robin's kind of like looks at me and goes and I'm like yeah just take it

it's ridiculous but there's just no right answer and don't get me wrong I think some people are really big on the whole new age sort of thing

and if that's how it works for you then good on you but Dane feel guilted into doing it I don't we're class we're class self review no I say this all the time I think we are really good parents on you but Dane feel guilted into doing it I don't wear class wear class

self review I say this all the time I think we are really good parents and I think you've got to have confidence in your parenting and be

you know what it is my kids they are clothed they're fed they're warmed they're loved and they're all of these wonderful things

that you can provide your children so stop beating yourself up just be confident with your parenting I say sorry to Robin if I'm wrong I remember

that's one thing my mum and dad didn't do they never admitted they were wrong they never apologised they were like no I'm the parent I'm right

but sometimes I go do you know what no that was my fault I'm really sorry I think that's quite a good thing to do we've gone a bit deep but I think my whole

point of response I was if you say you fucking post on Instagram telling you you're doing your parenting wrong you're not unless it's like oh fuck I should feed them yeah yeah you should feed them and as well if you see a fucking post on Instagram telling you you're doing your parenting wrong, you're not. Yeah.

Unless it's like, oh, fuck, I should feed them. Yeah, yeah, you should feed them. And as well, when you see people at the beach or the park or whatever, I don't take that many pictures and I don't post them on Instagram all the time. I used to, but we've stopped putting the kids on as much.

But I'll see people doing things and I think, oh my God, I'm not doing that. And I think, well, I did yesterday, but I just didn't put it on Instagram it's the guilt and this whole we're living in a really weird world

especially being parents when you watch stuff online you think oh I haven't done that with my kids and you go well no but you know

you went to the park the other day and they hadn't had time and I went with them recently and it was awful awful

both of them take them separately went swimming yesterday with Rafe just me and Rafe absolutely class if the other one was there what a nightmare

anyway divide and conquer that's the best best parent demand divide and conquer one you take one somewhere one you take the other one somewhere meet up at tea time

put them in bed have some wine that's what we do that's our weekend five years between hours that's why well we got deep shall we play a jingle and start talking about like

piss and shit and poo and wee and cacka cacka the giners yes we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle

jingle we hope you like the jingle jingle jingle This is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle. YOLO and welcome back. Oh man, fuck's sake. Don't, because it really annoys us.

Oh, it really annoys me. Welcome back to YOLO. Can you remember when I first got me Tesla and I was waving at other people in Teslas and you were like mortified by it? That's how I feel about YOLO. Okay, all right. That's how I feel about YOLO. Can you remember when I first got me Tesla and I was waving at other people in Teslas and you were like mortified by it? That's how I feel about YOLO. Okay, alright. That's how I feel about YOLO.

Side note, I'm going to get rid of the Tesla because they're only releasing fucking left-hand drive Teslas in the UK now. Idiots. Why are they doing that? Elon, if you're listening,

I'll fight you. Not Zuckerberg. I'll fight you for not doing a right... You're stupid. How am I supposed to go through McDonald's drive-thru in a left-hand car? Ridiculous. With one one of them clip ads that people used to pick rubbish up in

the streets personally i've never liked them and what did they say to you about you wanted you wanted to get the newer one and the guy was like order it online i was in the i was in the shop i went oh i want to i've had it a few years i'd like to get a new one yeah order it online sorry i'm here this is me face now. Order it online. Like you're getting a fucking Domino's. Sadly, that is a company I feel like I've got too big for their boots.

I feel like he's just lost his mind. He's fighting Zuckerberg. He's going to space. What's happening? So I don't have Twitter anymore, right? I deleted it because... No, I haven't got this. No, I deleted it because it was not good.

It wasn't good for my mental health. So Mark Zuckerberg has been training... He's Facebook Instagram Meta Meta is the company that owns all of those things and they own the Oculus he owns WhatsApp as well

he owns WhatsApp as well yeah so he has been training BJJ for a while Brazilian Jiu Jitsu or JIT if you want to be down with the kids

he has been training BJJ for a while and he's actually he's still white belt but you know there's only five belts in BJJ so to be you've got to be shit fucking white belt but you know there's only five belts in BJJ so to be

you've got to be shit fucking shit hot to even get to blue do you know what I mean what's white where's white white's the first one alright

white, blue, purple, brown, black but you've never completed it so he's only on the first belt oh my god I will come over there and do some jits on you right god

serious like oh white belt it's you know the whole thing's a long journey and you never... What are you? I'm white belt.

Of course I'm white belt. Oh. Zuckerberg would tie me in knots. He's been doing it for ages. He's won competitions. So why has he not got a big eye belt? Because that's how cavernous... That's stupid.

No, how dare you. It is a bit stupid. That's how cavernous the gaps are between all the belts. Right, but you're all on the same belt. Well, some people do a stripe system. My gym doesn't do a stripe system, but his might. He might be a three stripe white belt. I don't know. Oh same belt. Well, some people do a stripe system. My gym doesn't do a stripe system, but his might.

He might be a three-stripe white belt. I don't know. Oh, God. Oh, great. Oh, what should I be? Should I be on TikTok doing a stupid dance? Should I? Sticking up your arse.

Right, you've got stuff you like. I've got stuff I like. Come on, tell us about Jits. Right, so Zuckerberg's won some competitions. He does a bit of MMA as well. Okay. And weirdly, someone, I think, on Twitter just asked Elon Musk, would you fight Zuckerberg in a cage?

And Elon Musk was like, yeah, definitely. And then Zuckerberg was like, right, send location. Send location is a reference to when Conor McGregor smashed up the bus that Khabib Nemagomenov and all the people were on. Yeah, and Khabib basically said, you don't need to come and smash the bus up. Just send us your location and I'll come and fight you. Send location. It became like a bit of a meme.

Okay. So now, last night, Lexi Friedman, who's a BJJ black belt and a podcaster. Right. And George St-Pierre, who was one of the old... I've heard of him. Yeah, he was a welterweight champion in the UFC. Was training with Elon Musk. there's a photo of them training and a really

the Rome the council the government of Rome have been in touch and said will yous do it in the Coliseum oh shut this is ridiculous it's mad isn't it rich people shouldn't the richest people

I kind of hope they knock each other out well that's a simultaneous punch like Rocky It's ridiculous. It's mad, isn't it? It's mad. Rich people shouldn't... The richest people. Yeah. The richest people. I kind of hope they knock each other out. Well, that's a simultaneous punch like Rocky. Yeah. Simultaneous right hook, both out on the deck. Yeah. Zuckerberg will win by a mile. Why is that happening?

Because they've got egos. They're actually going to do it? I don't think it'll really happen, but I'd watch it. And that's what's really interesting. So there you go. We're talking about it. Yeah, we're talking about it. And I'm like, it's fucking stupid. I feel like it is a bit disgusting all the problems going on

in the world and these two fucking multi-billionaires who control the control where media and everything we see are like should we just fight just like base literally one step away from actually measuring each other's penises um but i mean if they did it for charity they'd fucking god they could probably end world hunger like you know they could probably end world hunger, like, you know, if they put it in the right places. End world hunger, in any case. Well,

they could end it with the money down the back of the sofa, yeah, yeah, I suppose, but then again, but yeah, so apparently,

apparently, I don't think they'll fight, I think it's bollocks, I think it's just a bit of piss. I think it's a PR. But they don't need PR, do they? You know,

one of them goes for shit, it's on the fucking news, but Zuckerberg's legit, he's actually, he's good at jiu jitsu he is I just I don't know whether

when's money too much money like they're not us aren't they really they're psychopaths really that's the thing isn't it

so you can't be a normal guy to get to that level of rich you can't be a normal guy you can't be a normal person it's impossible absolutely but listen on the flip side of that

you'll be happy you know I made a fool of myself of jiu jitsu the other day oh go on come on so we're in the back room we're getting ready and uh i did that or just not without not until you get your costume okay um and then we i've been doing so much dad language so i don't sway around robin i've been with you know i've been with robin you were away so it was just me and Robin constantly. So, you know, I pull out the silly, calling people silly sausages

and, you know, I'm not swearing. Yeah. And we're in the back room and someone's telling us about how they were at a bare knuckle boxing match the other night

and some guy basically got his head split open and in front of everyone I went, good gosh. And I swear to God, it was about four days ago and I still feel ill about it now. Oh no. In front of like, oh gosh, it's horrible, isn't it? I said good gosh and i swear to god it was about four days ago and i still feel ill about it now

in front of like oh gosh i said good gosh in front of people with cauliflower ears from contact sport and i was from combat sport sorry and i was and they looked at us no one said anything it wasn't like fucking hell all right mate like you know calm calm your language down dickhead but i was i said it good gosh and a couple of them looked and then like someone looked at us then looked at the floor and I was like, oh, this is going to come back. This is going to come back to get us one day.

I still feel sick about it now. I remembered it in the shower earlier and I shouted to get the thought out of me head. Oh, no. But this is like therapy. I have to see it to get it out there. To make it feel better.

And he's fucking got punched and his bare knuckle and his teeth were everywhere and his face was split open. Good gosh. Immediately you have a comment saying, and his bare knuckle and his teeth were everywhere and his face was split open. Good gosh. Immediately overcompensate. I was like, fucking God, let's start.

Right, good. Have you spoken to your other BJJ friend, our friend Michael, about what you were planning the other day or not? No, but we're going tonight. We're going to BJJ tonight. Am I allowed to tell everyone? Yeah, you can tell everyone. So we're going tonight we're going to BJJ tonight am I allowed to tell everyone yeah

you can tell everyone so we are going we're going on holiday in the six weeks there's going to be 18 of us we're going with all our mates

and the kids Chris's friend Michael also does Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and the two of you have been planning to have a little what do you call it a little roll around

floor rolling bit of floor rolling in the morning find a mat or a soft area. In a public place on holiday. I will die. Please. Please.

I'm begging you. Don't. Don't do it. Well, right. Okay. Well, right. Because you will die, then I might have to do it even more now in a more public place. I'm sure there'll be, for the the kids there'll be like a mini disco area

with a little stage in that maybe on the stage I need to speak I need to speak to Michael's wife about this I'm going to have to text her oh you're going to tell on us oh look at you

you're going to tell his wife I don't think she'll be happy about it either I'm sort of half winding up I don't think I would do that okay thank god not on holiday no

not on holiday no babadoo babadoo babadoo bah so I saw a thing on the internet the other day a little conundrum that I think I'd like to pick your brain about because on the on the surface it's really fucking stupid but then the more i thought about it i was like actually this is a thing that

would annoy you but you might actually get behind it okay you ready for this yeah i randomly saw it on instagram right it was like it's almost like a would you rather oh i love a would you rather it's a very specific one okay so you will get 10 million pound in your hand nice right now tax free just yeah

10 million pound bang it's in your account it's yours to spend no tax on it do what you want with it amazing but

there's a catch no one there's a catch right soon as you take that 10 million no there's a snail chasing you

for the rest of your life there's a snail there's a snail there's a snail chasing you for the rest of your life and if it touches you you die in agony you die in unbelievable

painful horrendous agony the snail can't be killed and it knows your location at all times and it's only purpose in life is to find you how far away is it from us at all times that's up to you you couldn't sleep it's really interesting isn't it you couldn't because you could fly to another country but then how when when's it gonna get there all right okay so i was thinking more than

that i just thought it was always constantly like about a foot away from no no it's it's it going to get there? Oh, right. Okay, so I was thinking more than that. I just thought it was always constantly about a foot away from me. No, no. So you get given the 10 million. Oh, my God. So I could get given 10 million and then fly to Australia and just wait for the snail to come and get us? Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, that's great.

Okay, I'll do that. Right. How long are you going to relax for? Like a good fucking fortnight, probably. Fortnight! You've been watching Turbo, haven't you? It's got to crawl there. Could not get on like a flight well that's the point it could get on a flight it knows where you are it knows stuff i'd always get away from it that would be fine yeah yeah

because you would see it coming so if you're asleep well i'd what if it goes up the side of your house in australia what if it goes up the side of your house and into an air vent well i'd have to i'd have to proper use some use some money to like you know spend some money on on snail proofing your house I'd probably sleep in a glass box right yeah so I wouldn't be able to get in okay oh I could pay somebody to always be on snail watch that's a good one you can pay a team I could pay I could have like someone I'm not being funny 100 quid a day eat loads of different people

just watch us sleep in that so look for the snails I would do it you're going to run out of money I'd run out of money you're going to run out of money quite quickly that's a lot of money

that's a hell of a way is it worth it incidentally if there's anyone out there 10 million though if there's anyone out there who has 10 million pound and would like to hire me or Rosie as a snail guard

I am available at least three days a week I'm just trying to think though that's so interesting it's great isn't it available at least three days a week I'm just trying to think though that's so interesting it's great innit I absolutely love it I sat and I was just you wouldn't be able to relax

you would not be able to relax ever even if you went like you say even if you went to Australia you would because when you are sat you would see it

but you don't know where the snail is is the key it's not like you've got on your phone and you go right the snail's a day away I better get moving again

you'd always be looking around you for the snail could be anywhere it could literally your family could come wouldn't you? It could literally... Your family could come and visit you and it could get in one of their bags. Shit.

Yeah. I don't know if I could do it, actually. It's almost not worth it for the anxiety. I don't know if I want to live in that. The amount of anxiety I'm getting just thinking about it, I almost don't think it's worth it. I think, more money, more problems. It's literally for the rest of your life.

It's until the day you die. It's until the day you die. Even if you give all the money to charity, it's still coming after you. So you could spend that 10 million, which you would, probably. It's still coming after you. It's until the day you die. It's until the day you die. Even if you give all the money to charity, it's still coming after you. So you could spend that 10 million, which you would probably. It's still coming after you.

It's still coming. Oh no, I don't know if it's worth it, Chris. I don't know. I don't know. Because you could say things like, people sitting listening now, you could say,

right, well, I would just put that copper, I've got copper tape. I've got some copper tape for the hot tub because snails keep getting in the hot tub.

It's irritating, yeah. But the congo over copper gives them a little... It gives them a shot they don't like. Okay, then why not just wear copper all the time? You wear copper? Yeah. Daft Punk. Yeah.

What do you mean you wear copper? But if it touches you... I think if it touches you, even if it's on your jumper, I think you'll die. Right, okay. This is the rule I've put it on. But what do you know?

You get lackadaisical and the copper, there's a little rip in the copper. You've got copper around your house. You've got loads of salt around your house. think you'll die okay this is the rule I put on but what do you know you get lackadaisical and the copper there's a little rip in the copper you've got copper around your house you got loads of salt around your house wind blows it away you would get lackadaisical you would and it don't get you shit it's unbelievable innit but then I feel like this could be a horror film it could couldn't it a really long I yeah it's interesting so would you take the money or not well because

well on the flip side on the flip side you know you could have an incurable disease looming over your head you don't know about

I'd rather have 10 million yeah but you've gone moved to Australia now as well why why Australia though we just said Australia you said Australia I know we did

because I was just thinking of the furthest place away but it would take them maybe just as long to get to Cornwall as it would Australia. What if you trapped the snail

or got someone to trap the snail in a box and then buried it? Oh my God, yeah. Oh my God, yeah.

But then what if something happened? What if something cracks the box and the box and it gets out and it burrows up through the air and then you don't know 10 years time it comes and gets you

you don't know you're at your kids wedding be a nice wedding though wouldn't it not if you're killed by a snail halfway through or you're moving the money

yeah I'd have had a nice nice wedding on me would you in the next in the Netflix documentary would you have rather have a modest wedding

or would you have rather had your 10 million pound wedding and your man be killed by a snail halfway through the ceremony modest would you have rather had a modest wedding or would you have rather had your 10 million pound wedding and your man be killed by a snail halfway through the ceremony modest I would have chose modest a lot of people would have

chose the second one honestly cutthroat yes I know you're taking the money yeah I'm taking the money right we'll get that sorted out for you

yeah yeah yeah yeah honestly fuck the snails next episode of the podcast we'll be on a moving boat I'll take the money gets away from my snail yep

he's trying to kill her why do snails hate you what have you done I actually don't really like snails if I'm honest with you there we go freaks out

there we go there we go this Friday you must be very careful Margaret it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

It's all... No, no, don't. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.

Who said that? Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So who will you rise for?

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it's time for what's your beef ladies first or me first you go no you go first me go first yeah you don't be me for once uh my current beef with you um you do it quite a lot, but you did it really intensely the other day and it's really starting to annoy us. Okay. You... I was on my period the other day, so... Oh, you're out on your fucking period.

I know. If I so much as find a seed or a bit of food from earlier in the day in my teeth and dare to pick it out and eat it, you claim I won't be able to eat my tea and it's really annoying what do you mean i mean the other day i literally had like a handful of pringles and you were like oh i'm making tea in a minute are you gonna eat your tea okay so this

all right okay so this is what this beef means what um i've got a beef i just i said you before i've got a beef but I don't really know what it means but actually this is what it means oh so we picked the same one well so sorry

before the recording started guys Rosie said I've got a beef in my phone and it's something I can't work out what it means but it's something about well all I've wrote is your homemade starters

my homemade starters yeah so you're always I slave over that stove making us a lovely tea, right? So what year is it? No, I do.

You know, hello freshen me tits off every night. Yeah. But you insist. Apart from the night you go out on a drink with your mates. Of course.

You insist on about an hour beforehand being starving and making like a sandwich or something or like I made the kids some lovely little like pizzas the other night.

You had a full one just before I was baking your tea. It was a tortilla with a bit of tomato and some cheese on it. I just find it a bit rude. But if I'm hungry, I'll be a horrible boy. If I'm hungry, I'm a horrible, horrible boy. You know this. Why don't you sort your day out a bit more? Like you'll be like, I've only had a banana.

Because life's a mess. You're doing that. I've eaten this food in the cup. That's what you're doing. Yeah be like I've only had a banana because my life's a mess you're like well you're doing it I'll eat this food in the cup that's what you're doing yeah but no but yeah but no yeah but no

it's just you do it all I had some carrot sticks the other day I literally had like one carrot chopped up and a bit of hummus

and you're like oh god you'll not eat your tea what do you think I am a fucking squirrel yeah yeah because then when I make your tea

and you're eating your tea you leave loads of stuff and I'm like mmm full are you bit full are you that's just because I think I am a fucking squirrel. Yeah, yeah, because then when I make a tea and you're eating your tea, you leave loads of stuff and I'm like, hmm, full are you? Bit full are you? That's just because there's been gristly bits left on the meat or it's been poo in the meat. Oh, you need to stop eating meat

because that's fucking us off as well. Yeah. You shouldn't be a meat eater. Me? Yeah. I don't think I should be. I don't think you should because you're like,

hmm, chicken's got gristle in. I'm like, it was an animal once, Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I've specifically... Had muscles and bones and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I've specifically requested the breast, not bones and everything. Yeah, but I've specifically requested the breast, not the fucking face.

But Chris, there's no, like, by the time you take all of the bits out, there's no chicken left. Right. Well... Do you understand?

Yeah, but I specifically want the succulent bits. I don't want the bits that are... There's not much of them. You can't, you're gonna, you're just gonna have to either embrace it

or not eat it. Why? Why can't I just eat the succulent bits and you eat the manky bits that you enjoy? Sucking bits off bones and that and chewing bits in your mouth and having your teeth bounce around?

Mm-hmm. Well, there we go. Well, there we go then. So my beef, if you're kicking off that I was eating too much, is the same as your beef, which was I keep making homemade starters. Yeah.

So we've sort of boiled all the beefs into one there. Yeah. Oh, well, happy days. Side note, I've got a never-ending stomach now. It was pizza as well. It was a tortilla pizza. I could eat fucking 20 of them and still have a...

I just don't know why it annoys us. It annoys us when you're eating loads before I'm about to make your tea. I find it a bit rude. Just stay in your fucking lane. What do you mean? Stay in your lane. My appetite is my appetite.

It's got nothing to do with you. I'm not going on a hunger strike before your meals, right? I just want you to be starving. Why? I want you to be starving and be like, this is the best food I've ever eaten in my life. Here we go.

Here we go. Right, yeah. Rather than, oh, I can't eat the end of that. When have I ever not finished it? Realistically. Loads of times. Yeah, if I haven't liked it.

That's another thing. I hate honesty about me cooking. I really, really, it's really upsetting. What do you mean? Just sometimes when you're like, oh, I don't really like that and I'm like,

what are you doing? Just sometimes when you're like, oh, I don't really like that, and I'm like, you're fucking yourself. I am lucky that you're an amazing cook, but sometimes you just fall a bit short, you know? Listen, I'm trying to make you better. Gordon Ramsay makes his students better by telling them the truth. I can't tell you

everything's great, because then when you're in a competition, a cooking competition, you'll not win. I'm never going to be in a cooking competition. I can't tell you everything's great, because then when you're in a competition, a cooking competition, you'll not win. I'm never going to be in a cooking competition. I would love you to make tea sometimes. Nah. Please. Carrot sticks?

No. Carrot sticks. No. Cereal? Toast? No. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public.

Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, please do at shaggedmoudanoid, no, not at shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com. Oh my God. Not at shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com. Oh God. Oh God, I messed that right up. What handle are you doing? Oh God. shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com.

The at is a little A and it's got a little circle there's loads of emails you know there's loads of emails it would appear that the BBC show has brought people

to the podcast which is exciting well welcome and thank you and please stay and please enjoy yourself yeah dear Chris and Rosie

back in December I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy Freddie congratulations congratulations back in when? December.

I retract the congratulations. He's a fully fledged human now. Probably at school now. I'm joking. Congrats. It is weird that I'm like, I've just had a baby. Oh God, when? Six months ago. Shut up, man. You've got a baby anymore?

It's a kid. You've got a kid. Congrats. Congrats. Welcome to hell oh i know somebody asked loads of people loads of people keep asking if i'm having any more and i'm like absolutely not it's not obviously we joke we you know we love them but it's but yesterday the guy there's a guy in uh doing our annual kitchen work tops and uh lovely bro called alan we were upstairs trying to get rave ready to come to the swimming baths and he was screaming and he was going absolutely mental now alan's wife is expecting yeah and i walked in the kitchen you stayed upstairs getting rave ready and he'd be screaming shouting kicking throws around i walked in and i walked past al

i went are you sure you want to have one of them little twats are you sure and he like laughed and i laughed and two seconds later you came in and went are you sure about this and i was like oh my god we're both the same joke to the man expecting a child just exactly that you're fucking sure about this man are you oh god but but then it's the best thing ever like it's our god and it's mad i've said it i've started on stand up it's the biggest contradiction in the world parenting because it's so fucking difficult but and horrible but it's also um amazing like oh it's so weird i even feel i can't i couldn't even finish that sentence because it's such a weird thing because it's awful but it's brilliant and it is yeah oh do you not

do you ever think that you know people who think who who say it's really easy, I think they neglect their kids. Fucking hell. I do. And they're like, I just don't find it hard. I'm like, well, when was the last time you gave them a bath? No, I'm not even joking, honestly. I just don't find parenting hard, yeah. I can tell by your kids' fingernails.

Fucking hell. Fucking worms waiting to happen now. Look at that. It's true't i just don't know what the big deal everyone finds it so difficult and i'm like your child is drinking someone's beer out of it literally they're in the bar you're talking to me with full eye contact and they're they're on people's dregs so uh yeah that's why you don't find it hard because you don't actually look after your kids properly classic childhood that man it's true though isn't it it's true i'm a bit of a helicopter mom like i can't have a conversation

with somebody what that phrase it means that you've you know where your kid is all the time like so you imagine a helicopter just kind of whizzes around that's what a helicopter mom is so you're just very much i'm always on my kids. I go to a soft play with me friends. I don't actually have, we don't have conversations, me and me friends. We took my kids to the beach the other day, me and Angela and Steph.

We didn't have a conversation because you're so busy looking that you're checking that your child's safe, that your children are safe. And yeah, and because that's, that's what you do. But there's other parents who are like,

I just don't find it hard. And you're like, yeah, because your fucking kids are feral as shit. And they're eating, like, you know what I mean? They're eating somebody's leftover sausage roll off the ground

and you don't actually know that they're doing that. So that's why I think I find parenting hard because I feel like I'm constantly on top of my kids, making sure that they're all right. And people who don't find it hard, I think,

me personally, they might be the best, but. When I'm with my mates, of me kids, making sure that they're all right. And people who don't find it hard, I think. Me personally, they might be the best, but... When I'm with my mates, with the kids, I don't have conversations. Well, you're not meant... I don't think you're meant to. We went to a soft play. Me and Michael went to a soft play the other day with our kids.

Yeah. I saw them about four times. Just as I crawled past them in various tunnels. Yeah. But it was his birthday. That was the funniest thing. Was it? Yeah, he was 36 on Sunday.

And I was like, are you serious I brought you the soft play for your birthday is he younger than us? one year younger oh right okay sorry

Jitz Jitz Michael I thought you meant the other Michael no no not that Michael anyway you said Jitz I think you're saying it now

oh god I hate that do you know what they call MMA grappling grappling on the ground and punching what? Jitz with hits awful

I didn't think you'd like that you know now and grappling on the ground and punching. What? Jits with hits. Awful. I didn't think you'd like that. You know, now I feel terrible about saying that people who find parenting easy are not going after their kids. Yeah, but... But I stand by it. It's also called comedy. Yeah, I know. It's also called jokes.

Don't worry about it. I don't know, Chris. Why do I always feel bad? I'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking about that, you know. Good. Yeah. So, back in December, I gave birth to my beautiful baby know, Chris. Why do I always feel bad? I'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking about that, you know? Good. Yeah. So, back in December, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, Freddie.

Myself and my fiancé knew we were going to be incredibly busy after this, but also wanted to share photos of him, so we found a solution. We downloaded an app which allowed us to upload photos of him. Then every family member we'd invited to the app instantly got to see the photos.

Sorry. What? That's just a whatsapp group yeah i think so but maybe it's a it's a special app yeah right it's funny isn't it because with your first kid like our re our robin sorry was like the first grandchild so there was always photos of him flying around not as many as they well nobody's once you get to the fifth grandkid, it's a bit like a whole fucking army. We know someone, we know someone quite well who got a photo shoot done with their first kid. Oh my God. And always pretended that one of those photos

from a different angle was of the second kid, but it was just the first kid. Yes. We've talked about that before, surely. I don't know. I don't know what the surname is. Did we put it in the book? I don't know. But there's photos on their wall, one kid on the left and one of other kid on the right it's it's the same kid but the kids think it's avoid it i remember the first

time i heard that my mind was blown they're like like, yeah, that's just him. Yeah, he thinks it's both of them but that's just him. Neither of them know. Cheap bastards. Anyway, we downloaded an app which allowed us to upload photos of him.

Then every family member we'd invited to the app instantly got to see the photos. Sorry. We figured this would save us time sending them to individuals. Did you fucking create a WhatsApp group? Sorry, it's annoyed me already this. You have been granted VIP access. sorry we figured this would save us time sending them to individuals just fucking create a whatsapp

group sorry it's um it's annoyed me already this you have been uh granted vip access to photos of dylan like my my freddie freddie sorry the app has everyone on it from our parents and siblings to even great grandparents right okay after the initial announcement photo we started sharing to the app all the photos we had taken of our gorgeous baby i'll be honest right i'm sorry i'm you would hate to be invited i'd hate to be invited i'm not any whatsapp groups with anyone i don't want to be i'm i'm a bit of a prick when it comes to that and i did take the piss out of it initially and said you know you've been vip access and that was a bit harsh but i tell you immediately i'm getting anxiety about the

the the levels of IT support I would have to provide to the people I'd given that to. Oh, imagine. Great grandparents. Great grandparents. The password doesn't work. It's asking for me email. Oh, God. Come round.

Come round and see him. Get yourself to the ASDA booth and just print the fuckers out because it's going to be a lot easier. Right, so these included photos right from the minute he was born such a lovely memory right oh no wrong it was only days later that i actually sat and scrolled through the photos my partner had uploaded that i realized he had taken some gorgeous photos of the moment i met our son and shared these with the app but he hadn't thought to crop out my entire vagina. Oh, I knew it. That's right.

Everyone from his dad to my grandma had seen my entire vagina moments after I had given birth with my legs up in stirrups. Oh, I've never been no blessing. Clearly everyone had been too polite to say anything and just simply strolled past. This was also during a midnight feeding session,

so I shook my partner awake and made him delete them ASAP. That's so lovely though because he's obviously just looking at her and he's looking at his baby and he's completely blanked out the gaping eye of Sauron. It's so bad.

Frodo and Sam hiding in the corner from its gaze. Imagine getting them pictures and being like, oh, oh, oh, okay. Oh, look at this. They'll test them, arrive at the hospital. Oh, look, just going at the thing there. Come to Mordor.

Oh, let's just go past that one. There's the baby's head. There it is. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Currently listening to episode 218. And when Rosie said she needs to send in a stool sample as things she might have IBS, I started to feel a wave of embarrassment

at my own memory of having to give a sample. We laugh and laugh. Fucking things we tell these people. I can't even remember saying that. Why do we say this? I don't know. No wonder people look at me weird in public, you know. Well, sometimes people come up to me

and they're like, did you thought out that? And I'm like, how the hell do you know out that and I'm like how the hell do you know about that I'm like oh yeah I said it on the podcast so embarrassing that's the thing you know

like when we do it's a bit too real innit when we do press when we do interviews and stuff people always say you share so much and we're like

do it and we forget most of the shit we say on here when did I say I need to go and give a stool sample for 5 years

you've definitely said that yeah yeah yeah you've definitely said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've definitely said that. I'll just let you all know, haven't done anything about it. No, no, no. Probably never will. Honestly, I'll just have diarrhea for the rest of my life.

Just pissing in the morning. Or shitting in the morning, as it happens to be. Yeah, shitting in the morning. Yeah, honestly. Pissing out your arse in the morning. Surely it's normal to have diarrhea three times a week. Aye, aye, aye.

100%. Yeah, 100%. I'm not giving up now. A little clean out, a little flush. A little a week. Aye, aye, aye, 100%. Yeah, of course it is. Yeah, of course, man. I'm not giving up now. A little clean out, a little flush. A little flush out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Rosie, I have given quite a few urine samples in the past.

When have I talked about that? Yeah, you've done loads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So familiar with the little pots and know how to use them. But when I got the same size pot for a stool sample, I thought, I guess it has to be cut up oh god the reason for the sample was i had had diarrhea for over a week and thought well i can't cut up diarrhea so i'll just put the pot straight to the brown star nice i put a pair of latex

sorry sorry so she pushes the pot now i'm i don't know if this is a man or woman. He or she pushes the pot right up to, when they say brown star, they mean flush with their bum. The bullet. And are we talking about the pot that looks like a see-through plastic soy sauce spoon? I've never done a stool sample. I don't know.

Right. Is it a pot, like a test know right I think is it a pot like a test tube pot or is it a the one that looks like a little frying pan no idea never seen either

but I'm guessing no they've said it's the same size as like a urine sample so I'm guessing it's like a pot oh good grief right so anyway this is going to end horribly

put a pair of latex gloves on as I knew this could get messy and right enough it filled the pot and Mr Whippy'd around the top which I just sliced off with my finger Oh God! So it was perfectly full to the brim

Like in the like in the European beer adverts where they use that knife to take the head off the top of the beer That's what they've done with the gloves on I'm really sorry I didn't give like any sort of

this is a real proper little let's talk about your story I didn't really give a warning fucking warning you know what you're here for it wasn't until

I picked up the lid that I noticed it had a little scoop attached to it I thought oh that must be for the hard ones once you've cut them up

it was a very small scoop but thought they'd be chuffed with my sample. The more the merrier and all that. Anyway. The more the merrier! Dear Mrs. Such and Such,

we received your stool sample. Thank you so much for the bumper pack. We really appreciate it. Wish everyone did that. Every little helps. much for the bumper pack. We really appreciate it. Wish everyone did that. Every little helps. We actually need to get some postage

feedback off you because it was so heavy the charge would have charged when it got sent in. Right. When I screwed the lid on with the attached scoop, it made some spillage over the sides. What?

Disgusting, I know. But thought I'd run it under the tap. But also, these people don't mind. They say shit on a regular basis. No, they mind. They mind. You can't just send them an envelope full of shit. It's got to be in this.

Job done. I called the doctors a couple of days later to ask for the results, to be told by a very young-sounding receptionist. Was that you that handed it in two days ago? I heard the disgust in her voice. She then said, in a slow, creepy whisper, Yeah, that was inadmissible, babe. I now know...

Why? Why is it... Because it was too much! Why too much It was too much The fucking ice cream tub is shit What are they doing? I now know that the very small scoop

is supposed to be the size of the actual sample and not stuffed to the brim like a pick and mix I think I have to change doctors I think you do as well That's horrendous

I've got the hiccups a little bit off laughing at that Well I know that for about when your parents get older and they have to do the bowel cancer stuff.

It's a scoop, yeah. It's a smear on a bit of paper. Right, okay. Imagine that. Just full on carton of shit. I wouldn't know

I don't want to get too disgusted here but I wouldn't know which bit to scoop out of because sometimes I have a shit and it looks like a load of Play-Doh

mixed together. Oh God. There's all kinds of remember them sand things used to get on holiday it was all different layers of color so yeah yeah sometimes there's all kinds going on in mine how do you mean when i get out it's just like different you know there's different that's because you have that athletic athletic greens yeah athletic greens keeps you regular pretty fantastic stuff no just now and then the there's stuff going on. I don't know. Okay, good for you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hi, you guys talk about icks a lot. Yes. But I wondered if you'd ever discussed bizarre turn-ons. I think yours could be interesting. Oh, okay. So basically the opposite to an ick. The opposite of the ick,

like turn-ons, okay. Mine are storms. Yes. Storms? Like thunder and lightning. No idea why. Also, like thunder and lightning. No idea why. Also, quick reflexes. I have seen an unhealthy amount of them

super dad videos on YouTube where they basically catch things or prevent disasters. I have a problem. Now, if a guy started demonstrating quick reflexes in a thunderstorm, game over. What are yours? I've got one.

You have? What a turn on is for me. I'm like, oh yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Men hanging out washing. Is this a joke? No, it's finding it quite attractive. So you want me to do the washing? I just think there's something quite sexy about it. I'm just like. You think a man

hanging out washing is sexy? Hanging out washing, yeah. That's really strange. Is it? What's yours? Is this not you just trying to get me to do more chores? No, no.

I do actually quite like it when you do stuff. I find it quite sexy. Like if you're like, I don't know, even when you were blowing up the paddling pool the other week,

I was like, there he is. To be fair, I've got a hell of a lung capacity on this little fella here. No, I do. I find it quite nice. Well, there we go.

What's yours? What's mine? Maybe rain. Rain is quite nice. Well, there we go. What's mine? Maybe rain. Rain is quite sexy. Rain's sexy? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

I find that strange. What's yours? You put us on the spot here. I don't know. Bizarre turn-ons. Maybe wanting to have sex with us. That one? That is bizarre. If you want to have sex with us, maybe. Like if I initiate sex? If you want to have sex with us that one that is bizarre

if you want to have sex with us maybe like if I initiate sex if you want to have sex with us okay I think I'm joking I'm joking alright

I can't think of a bizarre turn on I think men are men are wired a bit more simple than that I know I think you saw yeah I saw I saw a thing years ago

I'm sure it was Russell Cain hosted it comedian Russell Cain and it was a thing about weird stuff like that weird turn ons and I'm sure I saw it on the advert a girl was Russell Kane hosted it. Comedian Russell Kane. And it was a thing about weird stuff like that. Weird turn-ons. I'm sure I saw it on the advert.

A girl was turned on by a bloke reversing a car and putting his hand across the back of the passenger seat. Oh, that's nice. Yeah? That is quite nice. Yeah? That is quite nice.

That's a two for you as well. Yeah, that is quite nice. All right. Reverse beer parking in one go. Parallel parking in one go. Mm-hmm. Parallel parking in one go. Mm. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hello, Rosie and Chris.

We were once sitting in French class and out of the silence there was a little fart noise. Brilliant. Well, that you just stood up, went wild, demanding to know who had farted. I mean, why make such a huge thing of it? Mm-hmm. Well, mate, listen to this. I don't know if the person who let one go was too embarrassed to own up or terrified of the consequences

as the teacher was rather angry that someone could do such a thing in her classroom. So, because no one owned up, Mrs L let's keep her anonymous too, gave each of us a little slip of paper where we had to vote on who we think farted.

I had no idea, so I just wrote down the name of the new lad. Why did I even write a name when I had no idea? And still 10 years later, I've always wondered who got the most votes and if anyone voted for me in brackets, it wasn't me. That's fucking ridiculous.

Isn't that bad? Why make such a big thing out of it? Just go, everyone, if everyone's laughing, just go, yeah, great. Please don't do that again. Do you know what I mean? I'll open a window, someone, I'll open a door. I can't. So, you know nowadays.

I've fought. I know, it's bad, isn't it? When we were younger, farting, it was like, you just wouldn't, right? Would you? Yeah. I'd rather die than fart. At school. In class.

Yeah, like I once did at the back of history? Yeah. I'd rather die than fart. At school? In class. Yeah. Like, I once did at the back of history. Yeah. Like, it was hilarious, right? But it stank. Do you mean back of history class or do you mean ages ago?

Oh, I mean in the back of history class. It was, it's, oh my God, it smells so bad, right? Right.

But it was hilarious, it was funny because obviously my friends in the row were like, what's that you? And I was like, yeah.

Jesus Christ. Anyway, I think nowadays, you know how the world's a bit different, everyone i was like yeah anyway i think nowadays you know how the world's a bit different everyone's so like more open about things i think people will probably let rip for fun in classes now yeah do you not think well i don't know but i definitely well kids are kids aren't they but i definitely feel like if you accidentally farted in school now and the teacher made the whole class vote on who it was and then punished who it was even if they hadn't done it i reckon that teacher would face some serious consequences that is absolutely a pathetic way to go on and how to get that around the school

by the way uh mr johnson's class when you're in there this afternoon see if you can fart because someone farted in you mean we do a fucking vote. He turned it into Houses of Parliament. Houses of Fartament. Well done. Absolutely ridiculous. I know. Have I ever told you the story? There was some really ridiculous teachers though

when you think back. Oh pathetic. One of our teachers someone locked her in a cupboard. Yeah. And you just think like you have no commandment of that

you got locked in the cupboard then what the fuck what are you doing? Yeah. I told you didn't I my form teacher used to have to go out and get the teacher

from down the corridor to tell what off because he couldn't tell what off that's ridiculous he was an absolute really fucking wet blanket

bless him he just couldn't control it and we weren't that bad we were actually fine but he's the one who I talked about recently in a show we did

while getting interviewed he's the one who when I broke out in acne in front of the whole class went oh Chris I see you've got all your teenage spots nice one mate

thanks do you want to just sit do you want to stick around the board maybe yeah you're fucking dopey twat um have i never told you about when carl hutchinson was a teacher what someone came in and did in the afternoon to another kid who they were around with no i never told you about this i do love a carl hutchinson so if this story so a i always have to be careful because carl's a stand-up as well so i don't want I can't believe he was a teacher it's crazy isn't it he was a maths teacher

so he says he was in his class one afternoon and there was these obviously a rivalry between two kids two kids I think that had a fight that had a fight

boys or girls boys obviously two boys that had a fight in the morning and then after break one of them was in the class might have been the one who'd won the fight

and another one the one who he'd beat up in the fight, if I remember the story rightly, opened the door, it was straight after dinner, opened the door, ran into the class. Can't believe I haven't told you this. What? I didn't know that. I've never heard this. Threw a bowl of bolognese on the other kid. Okay.

It's just Kieran. That's horrible. Who threw a ball of Bolognese on him and then ran out? So the one who lost threw the Bolognese on the one who won. That's not the important bit, love.

That's not the important bit. Bring him and ask him. We'll find out. Okay, two seconds. You've never ran Carl? I've never ran Carl. Let's ring Carl. We'll give him a ring. That's not the important bit, love. That's not the important bit. Bring him and ask him. We'll find out. Okay, two seconds. You've never rang Carl? I've never rang Carl. Let's ring Carl. We'll give him a ring.

Let's ring Carl. Go on. Hope he picks up. Mate? Hello, mate. You're on the podcast. We're recording now. Have you got a second?

I need to ask you a question. I'm just telling Rosie. I've never told this. I'm telling Rosie the story about when you were teaching and a kid came in and threw bolognese on another kid oh god i forgot all about that can you explain it dead quick who was who and why did they do it it was just like it was when i was teaching in Manchester and it was just like an ongoing beef like between the two like so I think there being a fight in the break time, god yeah there had been a fight at break time

between two of the kids and then like yeah whoever got the upper hand like was in my class and then as a result yeah he just came in I wasn't teaching this lad I was like yeah what's up and he just came in and I was like like a big container

like like a Tupperware yeah but it was like so a kid would have to have it so it was like I swear it was like he was disguising it. It could have been like a Lucas-Aid bottle or something like that.

Right. Like, yeah. Just keep him in. He's just like, ah! So what happened? What did you do? Oh, God, I think at that point I'd just given up teaching, really. I think I was probably on my way out.

I think what had happened was... I'll push you over the edge, like... Yeah, I was like, right, okay. So it was towards the last 45 minutes of the lesson, so it was the last quarter of the lesson, and I never ever had them on my side anyway. Because it was like, that's right, yeah. It was a year seven class. And I only ever taught them once every two weeks.

And when I taught them, it was last lesson on a Friday. So that lesson was gone. Also known as the Bollineers hour. Yes, I was like, right, come on, everyone settle down, come on, I know fractions are hard, come on, let's try, oh, hello there, what can I do for you? Flames. And then I was just like, right, well, that's the lesson, isn't it? It was just like, you know, if there's a dog in school, everyone's like, because it was like, you know, if there's a dog in school,

everyone was like, wah! And I was like, right, cost benefit of analysis, like, can I get them on site? No.

Right, we're just going to write out this last 15 minutes. Oh, quality. Someone else, someone please clean up that ball in here.

Oh, class mate mate thank you very much that's awesome cheers man bye girl thanks for reminding us see you in a bit bye see you later

swear to god that man has forgot more good stories than I fucking know that is beautiful that's so like honestly when stuff like that

used to happen at school you're all gone like there's no there's no more teaching happening in that lesson bologna I'd just be like that used to happen at school, you're all gone. There's no more teaching happening in that lesson. Bolognese. I'd just be itching to get out to me mates and be like,

Henry threw Bolognese on Jack. Oh my God. Bolognese. Did he get it from home or from the cafeteria? That's the thing as well. Did he get it extra helping? Did he get it from home or from like the cafeteria? That's the thing as well, yeah. Did he get it extra helping? Did he get it extra helping from the cafeteria

and put it in a container and keep it or did he go home to get it? Did he go home and get it out of the fridge? And was it made from scratch or was it done on the own? Well, I need to know.

I need to know these things. If you threw Bolognese on a kid or the kid threw Bolognese on you or you happen to be in that class or you in Manchester, if you know anything about the Bolognese incident when Carl Hutchinson was a teacher, please get in touch.

shagmarryannoyed at gmail.com Oh, God. We need to know. Fantastic. YOLO. Shagmary Annoyed is part of the Acast Creator Network. YOLO. Awful.

Thank you so much for listening, guys. We really, really do appreciate itcast Creator Network YOLO awful thank you so much for listening guys we really really do appreciate it thank you thank you thank you and if you want to get in touch

it's shagmarianoid at gmail.com that's upsetting that's upsetting oh right pathetic pathetic

your child how old are you how old are you oh Santan from the VUVU XAG man mystic with a pen

like ah you can't do it you know what he's saying the words you know what he's saying the words love you do you say I'm really a drinker,

but I've got a love for brandy like Reggie. Champagne pop, pop, pop. Thanks for listening, guys. Black night bomber, heartbeat stopper, half-hot MC dropper. Bye. Wapper, leave you in the States like caca. The footballer, not the poo.

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