Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 227. Double Bunny Ears

Episode Date: July 21, 2023

On the podcast this week, The Ramsey's are bracing themselves for the school summer break and they're very close to cancelling their holiday. The beefs include cereal hypocrisy and Chris has a UFC-related ick. QFTPs include an hospitalisation and a one-night-stand who has a way with words. Plus, a listener might have an answer for the supermarket closing time conundrum. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marinoid with me, Rosie, and me husband, Christopher.

Oh, what's my surnames? I don't know. Oh, come on. You've got a surname. Tell everyone your surname. Ramsey. There we are. But my real surname is Winter.

No, it's not. The one that I got rid of because of this ridiculous rule. The old rubbish one that I saved you from. No. Hi, everyone. Who wants to be named after a season, man? God, how hack.

That's how I used to say it when people would be like, what? I mean, I was a lot younger so I very rarely got asked me surname but they'd be like what's your surname I go winter

like the season awful so when I first started stand up a lot of people said you know because stand ups are doing arenas and stuff

and things like that and a lot of people said the phrase was thrown around a lot that comedy is the new rock and roll yeah I don't think the phrase podcasting is the new rock and roll yeah I don't think the phrase

podcasting is the new rock and roll can ever be thrown around because literally just before press and record you said to me shall we do some first defence

I don't I don't Mick Jagger it's up your nose innit I don't Mick Jagger and Keith Richards back in the day all them lot was like

shall we have a quick quick little boff of first offense in case we get poorly the kids are both a little bit sniffly which is infuriating because it's nearly the summer holidays um and we are we're on holiday i think no we're back so oh god it's we're recording this before we're on holiday but we'll be back before this goes out. Right, okay. So, nice try, burglars. Better look next time. So, yeah, we'll be back by the time this goes out.

But basically, Robin was ill, and he's a bit better now, and then Rafe missed a snot bag last night, and I can feel it. I can feel it too. Why did you say no to the first offence? Oh, because it does taste a bit horrible doesn't it

for a while it's like it's like kind of almost numbs your throat it's bloody brilliant though it's just the way

you said it like oh I'll go for a night down here I'll shoot him shots I'll show him quick you know

pop a couple of pills before we go in this Christopher oh shall we show us some first offence we'll do this podcast I think you'll find though I would never have said

them things because drugs are for mugs and I've never tried any yes we know that you keep banging on about it well done I bang on about it till the day I die

I've never ever snorted anything up my nose I couldn't think of anything worse actually first offence you've had first offence up your nose yeah fair enough

gateway drug gateway drug I em oh if you can hear a bit of drilling the kitchen is still getting done

still like what although we're back from holiday technically when this comes out we'll be back from holiday so hopefully it will be done jeez Louise we might not be together

to be fair because it's the first holiday the amount of people who I've spoken to and said who are you going on holiday with and I've said just me Rosie and the kids and everyone goes

you're not taking Sandra I know like it's just us like we're not taking suitcases yeah do you know what I mean are we going to be okay are you what I mean are we going to be okay

are you not taking shoes are we going to be okay I think we'll be alright like I said before you've just got to just got to sort of move your goalposts of what you expect

a holiday to be yeah you are just I've told you it's like working it's like getting a job in a hotel the kids are going to stay

in a lovely hotel and we are staff in that hotel and that's how it works but we're very we're quite similar on holiday we just love how it works but we're very job work away for a bit we're quite similar on holiday we just love the relaxation part of it i very i don't which we won't get probably but i don't really enjoy getting dressed up and going out on holiday yeah

i know a lot of people do even worse now because i've got dad body temperature i've got dad body temperature now so i'll be fought you get me in a... Sorry, sir, you have to have dressed trousers for the restaurant in this hotel. Quality. That's me eating Doritos on me balcony for the entire trip. I'm there. I'm with you. Dressed trousers for the... Do they still do that? That used to be a thing. I remember it was a massive thing.

I think you can't... I think it's just to stop people going in like... Speedos. Speedos and ripped jeans and, you know, looking like a bag of shit shit but I don't think it's that strict but in the past I've stayed in hotels with my mum and dad

where it was dressed trousers for for months and it was like it was like my dad had to give a kidney every night he had one pain

he would go up the room and he would put the trousers on and he would come in and then he would begrudge and he'd go back up and change his trousers back to shorts it's ridiculous

and one time his mates we've talked about how we're not great at complaining well you're not great at complaining I can when my back's against the wall ridiculous and one time his mates we've talked about how we're not great at complaining well you're not great at complaining i can when i when when we backs against the wall i mean mom and dad's mates were renowned for complaining and they went to a hotel and they weren't told by the travel agent that you needed dress trousers for the meal so he bought a really expensive pair of dress trousers and claimed the money back off the travel agent oh wow oh the

these two people i'm talking about were fucking ninjas at complaining. I wish I had the time. But it was almost, that was their holiday. They came back and it was like, you're held a holiday. Like, yeah, we've got this fee, we've got this fee, because we whinged about this.

I was like, fucking hell, that must have been stressful. Some people do it for fun. I don't understand that. It must have been stressful. Yeah, I should have complained a lot more about that holiday, but never mind. Someone else I know is there now

and they said, it's lovely, it's done. Finished. How's the turf? Ask them how the turf is, because that turf's kept me up at night. Kept me up at night, that turf. Get it watered. Get those fucking kids off it now. Anyway, it is episode 227.

Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so, so, so much for dedicating the time in your little ears to us. We really do appreciate it. And it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is the startling amount of flies that immediately enter your house when you

open a window even an inch. It's mental. What the actual fuck? Yeah. Do they know? Do they hear it? Is it something they look for? Is it a change in air pressure? I don't see many flies outside. Is it the smell? Might be the smell of humans living. Maybe to a fly our house smells like dog shit.

There's a certain room in our house at the minute that stinks and I don't know why it stinks. Which room? That little room the sofa in. The little room used to be an office. We'll put a little sofa in it now. Oh yeah, I think I've worked it out. I think I know what the smell is. I mean, there has been a lot of tiddler and kid bums on that sofa.

Don't put that in. Because how do you... Like... Not that, not that. Don't put that in the eBay advert when you sell the sofa. Leave it at the bottom. Don't lead with that. How many times do you have to...

So Robin, if he gets changed... Robin started on a night time, right? And he's a bit bigger, so his arse is a bit smellier than when he was little, right? But on a night time time he doesn't like to have a bath anymore he wants a shower

in the morning so he'll get changed right but you'll like I keep having to say to him take your boxers off and put your

pajamas on don't sit back down with your dirty arse on this communal sofa he stands up boxers off arse down on sofa

picks up pajamas stands up pajamas on sits back down so that's a smell boxes off, arse down on sofa, picks up pyjamas, stands up, pyjamas on, sits back down. That's a smell. It's just arse. Kid's arse. Kid's arse. I think the whole sofa smells of arse. And it's in a small room, so the whole room smells of arse. Oh, God, it's so disgusting.

And what do they do the other day? Open the window for a little bit. What happened? Fucking pterodactyls in the room. Moths, flies, wasps, just straight in. Just, I crack a window open, and there's someone in the garden, and they go, lads, he's opened it. We're in.

And fucking hell. I know. Oh. I hate flies. No one else seems to give a shit. I walk past people's houses, and their windows are wide open, and I go, you've got loads of flies in your house. No one else cares.

They might not care. A fly in a room really upsets me. I can't concentrate. And then, you know, when you're trying to waft them out with a tea towel or whatever. Yeah. I just get rid ofets me I can't I can't concentrate and then you know when you're trying to waft them out with a tea towel or whatever I just get rid of them

I can't be arsed to kill them I get rid of them but you know when you're like are you fucking stupid yeah they are stupid like the window is there

I've opened it for you and you're going back in it's there like your mates are outside you got in here get out yeah yeah yeah yeah

100% your mum's calling you for your tea I'm with you I'm 100% with you I hate them little bastards I hate them

yeah there's that there's that dealt with just literally people listening going your house fucking stinks that's all it is your house stinks

must be your house must stink food everywhere would you like a pistachio nut I wouldn't like a pistachio nut as we do this podcast now Rosie's got a pile of pistachio shells

on the on the table in front of her and she's pushed them all away like someone going all in blind in a game of poker um awful stop eating on the podcast it's manky i'm really hungry no wonder there's flies you're leaving fucking food everywhere they do like food do you remember at school when you learned about that how the vomit and stammer didn't you yeah yeah yeah as soon as they're on that's it I think the reason I can't concentrate

so much when there's a fly is because do you know the one thing that can absolutely murder a gig a stand up gig is a fly or a moth

floating around the stage you lose an entire crowd they've paid good money to see you there's a fly whizzing around they'll stay at the fly

rain's good oh the spray I thought you were about to diss me stand up. No, no. I mean, you're alright. Great. That was really loud.

I know it was. It was horrible. I'm going to have two more then I'll stop. Oh, great. Thank you. Yeah, good. Cheers everyone.

We had a fight about the jingle Jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle Jingle So this is the jingle Jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shrinkman Online.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. So other than getting back off holiday, not really much else has been going on, has it? Not really. Kitchen done. It is the summer holidays now. Oh, it'll be the summer holidays now. So good luck, everybody. What? Why?

Why? It's too long. I'm sorry. It's too long. It's too long. And every parent who says to me, it's going to be great to have them around the house. No, no, no, no, no.

You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. It's too long. Break them up during the year. Yeah, give them a little long weekend no no nah no

I've immediately gone back on that no actually that would be nicer that would be better having a Friday Saturday Sunday

yeah that would be better across the weeks right than just six solid weeks of like bored shitless

trying to sort out childcare dragging like fuck when I was a kid I do I was so bored by the end I was desperate to get back to sort out childcare I remember dragging like fuck when I was a kid I do I was so bored by the end I was desperate to get back to school

weird no I just was I just think six weeks off school is far too long yeah it's ridiculous but that's just my

personal opinion I do believe all the teachers on their six weeks holiday would strongly strongly disagree with you the teachers listening now

enjoying your six bloody bastard fucking weeks well done you never know i might ask i've got a lot of teacher friends they might prefer to have a friday saturday sunday okay well you were you were ahead of some kind of union maybe i might make a union or is this just a pointless conversation you're gonna have i might make a union oh i've just spat pistachio i've just spat pistachio on me thing i know i i think that could work if you were ahead of a union and i was talking you spat pistachio on me thing. No, I think that could work.

If you were head of a union and I was talking and you spat pistachio everywhere, I don't think anyone would take you seriously. Yeah, probably not. No, there we go then. That's your problem. You're all spitting food everywhere. You're trying to make a good point. You could tell everyone the cure to cancer,

but you'd be spitting food everywhere and they'd go, I don't listen, she's mad. Why don't you film the podcast? Yeah, why don't you film the podcast? I'll talk properly. Because she's troughing over the other side here and she's just got loads of random shitty bits of ripped up paper and empty cups around her have you seen some of the podcasts that get filmed yeah have you seen the effort that goes into the huge production values oh my god full hair and makeup yeah like dressed amazingly sat really nicely russie i've been sitting at this desk

for two hours and it took me two hours to start this podcast. Two hours to start this podcast. Oh. How do they do it, though? That's what I want to know. I think, I think, I'm just guessing here, I think they're professional.

Maybe. I think they're professional. Here's a question, though. I think they're good at time management. I think they're not stupid. And I think they're clean and, dare say it, cleverer than us. Do you know what I want to know what do you want to know

do they find all of their own stuff well no a lot of them have got producers right see that's where we're that's where we're missing out oh shit oh shit

someone's doing all of this someone do my voice so I can just retire completely I don't know nah I think maybe one day we might film it but it would be very

it would just look a bit shit and I can't be arsed to get ready. I haven't washed my hair today at all. Oh my God, I have not had a wash today because I'm going in the gym. I haven't brushed my teeth. Oh my God. What time is it? It is quarter past one in the afternoon.

And he hasn't brushed his teeth. And he's had a protein bar. And he's had two cups of coffee. But he hasn't had a nana. So it doesn't count. Hey. Welcome to the slots. The twits.

Welcome to the twits live. Welcome to the slots, oh baby. Did you just call a banana a nana? A nana? Oh, babe. Yeah, I'm not a nana.

Been around kids too long. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for What's Your Bee? What's Your Bee for me? Come on, I'm in a mood. I'll tell you right now. You want to fight?

You want to start this? I'll fight you. I'd love to fight you. Jukes up. Jukes up. Do you think we... Imagine if it was just... Imagine if we just had a full-on scrap in the garden.

It wouldn't be much of a scrap. Why? Because I would just shut you down immediately. Just break you out. Joke you out, break your arm, pop your shoulder out. Any of it. Wait on my blue belt. I know leg locks.

They'll be hell on. They'll be absolute hell on. Oh, don't. Because... Oh, I don't want to get serious. No, don't. It's a joke. Come on.

Don't get serious. We're joking. I know. Just for some reason, right? We're not want to get serious. No, don't, how are you? It's a joke. Come on, don't get serious. We're joking. I know, just for some reason, right? We're not really going to fight. No, I know, I know, I love you too. We never fight. We never, ever do.

I would never raise my hand to you. We don't have that relationship. No. And I find it really sad that people do. Yeah. I would never raise my hand to you. I would just dig you under the desk.

Right, stop it, because I'm trying to be a bit serious. Oh, God, don't be serious. I'm being targeted at the minute with my Instagram videos. They're all like, I think I say narcissist quite a lot, right? And my phone's picked up on it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so all the videos are like five ways to spot a narcissist. And I'm like, oh my God. Sorry, no, that's all to do with the stuff you watch as well. I think so. Yeah, iPad and your phone and your Mac are all linked. And you're constantly watching. True crimes and shit shit what's that thing you watched the other day

Profile it was so intense the thing on Netflix oh it was quite good I mean it was amazing it was one of the things that was all done on the computer screen

and it was a woman a journalist basically catfishing a jihadist who was trying to get her to go to Syria oh my god

I came in the room like with a sandwich trying to go to Syria oh my god I came in the room like with a sandwich trying to you ruined me dinner you have to be in the mood for a certain sort of programme whereas I'm I can just watch it

any time of the day yeah but you've I've got to be in mood for yeah for certain things I started listening to a really good one today on BBC sounds

Jesus Christ right about erm oh no no no don't tell don't tell them about other podcasts

what the fuck are you doing I'm sorry I'm sorry can right i'm sorry can i go back to what i was saying yes what i was saying was it's if it's not normal in the relationship we've been together for 10 years nearly and we have never had any sort of physical allocation ever no way i just feel like if you're in that kind of relationship just fucking pack your bags and leave oh yeah if anyone's pushing you or shoving you or grabbing you absolutely not no no no it's not on like it's and there is in that it's not just fucking pack your bags and leave oh yeah if anyone's pushing you or shoving you or grabbing you absolutely not

no no no it's not on like and there is it's not meant to happen in a relationship and there is relationships that it doesn't happen in so

and ours is one if you just joined us this is the comedy podcast Shagmire I know but sometimes you have to say these things because

you do sometimes we've got a big platform there's so many people who are in such shitty relationships and you go there's another world out there man that's not how it's meant to be you're not meant to be miserable in your relationship

yes oh god it has moments of like oh god we've argued all morning absolutely but we've argued all morning because I'm dreading the holiday but I'm not scared of you good exactly you said it right again

there's people who are scared have been this should have been filmed this should have been filmed the way you did it you pointed at us you were like I'm not scared of you and I was like I don't want you to be scared of us no I'm not meant to be scared of you

no but I'm saying I'd be devastated if you were scared of us but I'm saying there's people in relationships who are scared of their partner right and it's not how it's meant to be anyway listen

it's really weird the way you said it let's have a laver point at us I'm not scared of you go on do your worst my beef with you is, you're not scared of us. No, my beef.

My beef with you this week is, you, this has happened a couple of times now. Right. You slag me off if I buy, if I dare buy Robin any kind of cereal that doesn't, what's the word I'm looking for? Fit into the nutritional guidelines.

Yeah, yeah. If I buy a cereal that doesn't sort of fit your fit your traffic light quota that you've got yeah so if I get him something like

you know I got him the spider-man cereal once I got him the jaws cereal and you're like that's sugar it's a disgrace what did you buy him the other week

what did I buy him the other week millions cereal it literally has marshmallows in it oh okay do you want to know why I bought it did you have a taste of it it was like it was like a bowl of candy floss millions cereal. It literally has marshmallows in it. Oh, okay. Do you want to know why I bought it? Did you have a taste of it?

It was like a bowl of candy floss. Do you want to know why I bought it? Why? Because he'd been a really good lad. He did really... Robin has done very well in his sats. Yeah. Right?

Like, a bit too well, actually, to the point where... Like, he might not be ours well. Yeah. So he scored... Like, he's been swapped at the hospital well. He scored very highly, and we are now worried about

how we're going to kind of coordinate this for the rest of his life because, yeah, mommy and daddy, not that good at maths. Not academic, yeah.

Not that good. Can't really concentrate for that long. So someone's going to have to be ringing Uncle Carl, I think. Yeah, when he gets in, he's probably going to have to start wedging him. Might send him off to school

and then I'll quickly run around the block the other way and then take his dinner money off him at the bottom of the street. That's awful. Why would you nerds man gotta do it

oh no he's a cool nerd he's a cool nerd anyway yeah Uncle Karl's gonna be on the phone a lot for maths homework yeah so he did really

well in his sats so we went to Bainham Ovs lives in Bainham and I was like you can get a he loves cereal right

just loves cereal he's never allowed proper sugary cereal unless I accidentally buy him some yeah so I don't want to say the brand because I don't want to slate them

because I genuinely love this cereal. But I was like, you can buy the Frosted Flakes, okay, as a treat. Red, full on in the red. I was like, oh my gosh. And he wanted the Million cereal. I think there's actually meth in them, but yeah, carry on. He wanted the Million cereal, exactly. He wanted that.

And I looked at the sugar content compared to the Frosted Flakes and it was less, so I was like, you can get that. Still though, still massive hypocrite. Yeah. He's a good lad, what have I? I'm nice cereal.

I never claim to not be a hypocrite so I don't know what kind of world you're living in. Good get out. I'm a massive hypocrite. The stuff I will have said three years ago which I have completely

gone back on. Rosie, the stuff I've said three days ago that I've completely gone back on. Yeah, there you go. My beef with you is you're doing it again. Yeah. It's like history

repeating itself you're ruining the fucking holiday before we've even been yeah yeah i am we'll be back from the holiday now and chris will have on multiple occasions sat on the balcony with a beer and said i'm really glad we did this i'm having a lovely time but right now before the holiday he is ruining the experience already said he doesn't want to go and he wants to cancel it well you did that thing that you do

you did that thing where if I say I'm tired so if I say I'm tired on an evening and I go I'm absolutely not good and you go get yourself to bed then

I go okay I'll go to bed then you go are you going to bed I didn't do that didn't do that last night you didn't do it last night for one of the first times ever but that's a different story

I don't do that I quite like when you go to bed you turned to me this morning and you said night you didn't do it last night for one of the first times ever but that's a different story I don't do that you turned to me this morning you turned to me this morning and you said if you don't want to go on the holiday I'll find someone else to go with us I went right that's brilliant and then you were like

oh I couldn't think of anybody don't offer don't offer if you're not going to follow through with it because you don't think I'll stay here fucking

get up in the morning live my life pop to the driving range go to BJJ who can I go with find someone right me mam's already

me mam's away there's a crossover she'd be a bit selfish by the way she's sure gonna do these I just you woke up in the middle of the night worried that it's gonna be too hot

on the holiday there's a heat wave at the minute you actually said the words shall we go should we still go is it gonna be bad and I said no let's not go

because I don't like holidays I don't like them I find them even just on me own I'd just like if it was just me and? And I said, no, let's not go. Because I don't like holidays. I don't like them. I find them, even just on my own, if it was just me and you going, I'd still be like, what's the point? It's putting all your eggs in one basket. I've talked about it before.

I know in the minority, people love holiday. My mom and dad, the whole thing was, save up all year for the holiday. It was a big working class thing. And I think that's why I'm rebelling against holidays, because they love them so much.

I'm that kind of dickhead. My dad tried to make us love football. He pushed us in and went, I went, fuck that. Holidays every year. Me mam's thing, her barometer of how successful someone was in life was, they go on seven holidays a year.

That sounds fucking horrible. It sounds like they're living at airport, like Tom Hanks in that fucking film. You're putting all your eggs in one basket. All of your eggs in one basket. Right, we're going away. Right, we're saving up. This is going to cost cost a fortune we're going to pack all this you might lose your suitcase though so separate your stuff throughout it what time you're getting up to go

the airport three o'clock in the morning oh happy days that'd be a great first day or to the flight flight may be delayed because they're all fucking delayed nowadays aren't they and you get here oh is it going to be too hot or is it going to rain and ruin everything oh we've got our kids though is there a fridge in the room there better be a fridge in the room oh we've got a massive fridge at home but let's fucking leave there and go to this one little tiny room oh there's a pool outside oh rave can't swim in that we'll keep an eye on them for that oh shut the doors it's too hot put the aircon on oh they've all got a bad throat off the aircon they've already got a cold as well that'll make that worse it's a fucking jip other than you tell me right now on the spot why are we going then why

did you let us book it because i did the sake because i forget I forget how shit they are which is another beef by the way I forget how shit they are other than other than using the phrase or the idea that but holidays are nice tell me what's going

to be good about this holiday I don't have to cook we'll see about that I don't have to clean anything we'll see about that what do you mean

no this is fast other than that what's going to be good I'm going to drink every night without any guilt I'm not going to exercise once I do that at home you mean no this is fast other than that what's going to be good I'm going to drink every night without any guilt I'm not going to exercise once

I do that at home you can do that here no you can't because I feel no I don't drink every night at home at all you drink every day

we've got work we're not going to have any work right yeah we're recording this before the holiday we don't have time off

put a jumper on it's a different kind of heat put a coat on oh I'm looking forward to it so go fuck yourself it's you've done it for years man

you just you've ruined everything and then you get there and you will you'll sit and go oh this is bloody lovely and because you know what it is this is another beef right

this is next week's beef but I'm doing it now why do I have to book everything I've booked every single holiday we've been on my mate Steph couldn't believe it really and I said to Steph I went oh yeah he loves to portray this thing of like i do everything i'm do everything and you do fuck all you do now mate right i do loads right right

i've booked every but guys i've booked every single holiday that we've ever been on and i'm talking everything printing out all of the boarding passes how dare you i just changed it in cartridge so you could print them out oh fucking well done well done mate so you clicked the button but I changed it did you hear how long it took me

to get out of the package mate I downloaded them all I had to fill in the passports did you hear how long it took me to get out of the package shit off I hurt me finger I do

I'd book all of our stuff and all of your life excursions excursions all of your experiences right the kids are gonna love it right oh god we're gonna split up

on this holiday we are I insist we go to the reps meeting as well all of your experiences the kids are going to love it right oh god we're going to split up on this holiday we are I insist we go to the reps meeting as well because I want to know what's going on in the local area yeah reps meeting

free glass of orange juice I have booked the kids in a kids club there's no chance they're going to go no they're not and even though when I was on holiday

I was really judgy to parents who sent their young kids to kids club I'm gonna can I is it bad parent if I offer Robin money

to go to the kids club nah I'm behind that so if we can coincide Robin's kids club visit with Rafe's nap we'll get an hour off each day

so I've put three days running right I've put them in both at the same time what time so two of the days are ten

till like twelve right and then one of the days are 10 till like 12. Right. And then one of the days is one till three. Okay. They're not going to go. No, they're not going to go.

They're not going to go. Remember last holiday they went one day and we went, this is amazing and they came out and they went, was that fun?

Yeah, when you go tomorrow they went, no. Rafe's never been. Oh, Rafe's never been to one. No. Mightn't you open with the other kids?

You've got to get them out of the sun. There was a lot of slagging off on the last holiday as well because people um people got babysitters and that you know sorry this is a you can get a babysitter in a hotel what as if you ever would i wouldn't you're joking us i would can i get someone look after you as well so i just fuck off on my own no we were so maybe mom and kate was i hope i hope no one gets offended well i don't care um we were sat on the balcony having a drink, obviously. Rafe was in bed.

Yeah. And there was this couple and every night at like eight o'clock this woman would just turn up, this random Spanish woman. Right. And look after the kids and they would go out

and then they'd come back at like 10, 11 and we'd be getting back. Why am I only hearing about this now? Does the same person come in the morning and look after the kids? No.

I just don't think I could let a stranger put my kids to bed. Not worth it then. Not in a strange place either. No. I just don't think I could let a stranger put my kids to bed. Not worth it then. Not in a strange place either. No. I think it would be a bit weird. I know people do it.

Obviously this couple did it. You know, I'm really jealous that I can't, that my, what's it called? Guilt. No.

I don't know. Stupidity. Maybe. No, what's the word? I just won't let myself do it and I'm devastated. Right. Because it is a thing that happens in this hotel but I just't know. Stupidity. Maybe. No, what's the word? I just won't let myself do it and I'm devastated. Right. Because it is a thing

that happens in this hotel but I just can't. So I just sat and judged but really I was jealous. Yeah, I'm not on board with that. I'd rather have got looked after during the day so I can have a nap.

I'm not going out on a night. Well, my thing is during the day it's really hot so it's actually going to be quite good for them. That's what I'm telling myself. Yeah, get them out of the sun.

Yeah. Get them out of the sun. I'd give Robin a Nintendo Switch game a day if I go for them that's what I'm telling myself yeah get them out of the sun yeah get them out of the sun I forgive give Robin a Nintendo Switch game a day if I go into the kids club I'm up for that what does Rave like

I don't know hot crossbones yeah just love hot crossbones they're not going to go babadoo babadoo babadoo bab it's time for

questions from the public cubes from the pubes and the lubes and the doodoodoos pubes as always if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmaridanoid at gmail.com. Rosie, I've got

an ick for you. Oh, well, I mean, I've got loads of icks. Yeah, but this is off my own head. Oh. So, obviously, it's not... Is it about me? No, no, it's not, actually. It's about blokes, which is weird. It's just, like, an ick, obviously, it doesn't have to be, like, a sexual thing. It just has to be a moment where you're like, oh, like someone like we've said we're like oh god look at

you oh the shame of it now i don't know if you know this i was watching the ufc the other night and it didn't happen from what i'm aware of it it happens very rarely right but the the music comes on and the fight has come down to the octagon right yeah and they come and they go into this little area come down to the octagon no no? Yeah. And they come and they go into this little area. Come down to the octagon. No, no, no. Stop that. And they get like their Vaseline put on them and all that and they get checked that they've got a mouth guard and all that stuff.

Very rarely, very rarely, well, they always get their nails checked. So the referee, the second official, will check their nails. It's always weird to watch that bit. Well, very rarely the nails will be too long and he has to clip them octagon side.

And it's so strange. Did it happen? It didn't happen the other night but it happens very very rarely but they'll look and they'll go nails are too long. So you get some nail clippers and this fucking killer, this actual trained killer is about to go in the octagon and punch someone else's head off

but first he has to stand there and get his little nails cut it's just so strange how short are you going to be? I don't know but like yeah probably shorter than mine are now probably no white show

not protruding past your fingers because obviously the gloves haven't got fingers in the end so there's a lot of eye poking accidental eye poking and it's really bad okay

really really bad do they wear gloves? oh of course they do yeah the little formed gloves but fingers are out because it's obviously grappling stuff boring but there's a lot of accidental eye poking and it's really bad. Okay. Really, really bad. They wear gloves? Oh, of course they do. Yeah, the little forms gloves but fingers are out because it's obviously grappling stuff. Yeah, of course.

Boring but there's a lot of accidental eye poking and if there's a nail involved you can really, really damage someone's eye. So I get it and I totally understand

but it's just literally the most intimidating men on the planet standing getting their nails clipped. It's so strange. That's a good one.

Well done a Wimbledon ick. 100%. Hi good one. Well done, Wimbledon Ick. 100%. Hi, Ramses. I was watching Wimbledon with my husband and told him about your Ick section and how someone had sent in ball boys because they... The way they run and that.

And watching them there pouncing on every discarded tennis ball as though they are an excited puppy, I totally get it. They're great though. They're loving it. I'm not slagging ball boys off. They're fucking awesome.

And girls. I can imagine Emma Robin being a ball person young ball people yeah god that sounds weird let's call them ball bags

let's not call them ball bags as soon as I told my husband this something happened in the match that made me heave with ick

wow I don't know how to pronounce this uh huh um tis-pis-is-pis-pas what's his name sorry was playing Murray with ick. Wow. I don't know how to pronounce this. Uh-huh. Um, Tispis, what's his name? Sorry?

Was playing Murray. I don't know if you're familiar with, but he is a very handsome Greek man. Okay. I'm so sorry, I don't know. I've been through quite a lot of Greek men as well, I should say.

I've been through more Greek men than a fucking out-of-date gyros been left in the sun. I just don't recognise this name. I don't recognise it. I need to know, Chris. Oh, God. Oh, it's his surname.

He's called Stephanos. Of course it's his surname. Oh. Murray isn't Andy Murray's first name. Oh. Oh. Hello, Stephanos. Give us a look.

Oh, he's lovely. Give us a look. Is that him there? Oh, he's alright. Oh, he's alright. Him a look. Oh, he's lovely. Give us a look. Is that him there? Oh, he's alright. Oh, he's alright. Him and me. Oh, he's lovely. I think Greek men are very handsome.

40 love. Yeah, yeah. 40 love in my face. Oh, I'd let him take advantage of me. Oh, that's the one. I'd sample his juice. Yeah, juicy, juicy, Lucy. Yeah, nice.

Or I could serve me up an ace any day, him. Wow. Yes. Hey, tell you what, if me and him were in the room together, there'd be a hell of a racket. Oh, get. Well, I can serve me up an ASN, dear him. Wow. Hey, tell you what, with me and him in the room together, there'd be a hell of a racket. Oh, my God, keep going. This is great. Something about balls.

Strawberries and cream in me face. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Right, well, he's lovely. Okay, so he was playing Murray. Yeah. Don't know who won. He's a very handsome Greek man.

Not the kind of guy you expect to see bend down in the middle of a centre court match at Wimbledon and proceed to retie his shoelaces using the two-loop bunny ears method that children are taught when first learning to tie laces. He did this repeatedly throughout the match

as clearly the method wasn't efficient enough to keep his laces tied. I cringed every time. It's ridiculous. He's a fucking multimillionaire, gorgeous Greek tennis player, Adonis, and the poor lad doesn't tie shoelaces the way you want him to,

and he's a piece of shit. I love it. It's not working because they kept coming undone. I just love it. It says, thanks for keeping me laughing on my dog walks and for saving my marriage by showing that you can argue

and disagree to the moon and back with your partner, but as long as you keep laughing, you'll be grand. That's nice. Oh, yeah. I'd take that. Yeah, definitely. And don't tie your shoelaces wrong in front of her. Double bunnies.

For the love of Christ. I find the double bunny to be more difficult than the one and then the going around. Yeah, that's not how we're teaching Robin. We really need to get on with that. Why? He's got Velgo shoes. He needs to know how to tie his shoelaces.

Rosie, I only tie shoelaces in the winter when I'm wearing my boots. All of my trainers, the laces are tied to a level where I can slip my shoe, my foot in and out. Even my gym trainers. You can tell the time now, which is shit, actually. Rubbish that he can tell the time. Because... I was dead excited from bed time to bedtime, but now he's like, it's not my bedtime. you can tell the time now which is which is shit actually rubbish that he can tell the time because I was dead excited

from a bit yeah he's like it's not my bedtime he says his bedtime is 8 o'clock because he does have to go he was going to bed a bit early

to be honest with you but he seems to still get up early but I was like yeah your bedtime is 8 o'clock but then sometimes at like 20

I'm like right up to bed and he's going excuse me mummy looks at his clock he's like it's only 7.42 yeah but then we're like I said to him the idea he went it's not bedtime, it's only 7.42. Yeah, but then we're like, I said to him the idea.

He went, it's not bedtime yet. It's only half seven. I went, yes, but you fanny on for half an hour. He does fanny on. I need you to be asleep by eight o'clock, so I need to get upstairs and let you do all your fannying on. His favourite thing,

have I told you about this on the podcast? His favourite thing, just before bed, need a poo, sits there. Oh, he loves a bedtime shite. Oh, but he nests on a shit. Our son nests on a shit

like a fucking bloke reading the Sunday papers. I've never known a kid take so long to have a shit in my life. Well, he doesn't take that long during the day when he's got shit to do.

Yeah, yeah. Literally. It's crazy. He's on and off. Unbelievable. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league,

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Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.

Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca That's sunrisechallenge.ca Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Hi Chris and Rosie

I've listened from the beginning Love the podcast But have to write in about the supermarket visit on a Sunday Okay It's the law that the shop shuts at four Not the shop's fault The government is responsible The reason we rush you Is the tills will turn off at a certain time

or the store will get fined. Wow. Then we have to be sworn at and spat at and abused. Oh, my goodness. Oh, I would have never have done that. Well, I know, but I think people do. I've never wrote into a podcast, but life as a shop worker has got so scary and hard in the last couple of years

that someone with the audience that you have could have an effect on the situation. Oh. Sorry to be a Debbie down. I keep up the good work. No, no. Who's spitting at staff?

That's disgusting. Who's shouting at staff? Who's spitting at staff? Yeah. Big up all supermarket staff and shop workers. I did say that it would be fucking irritating.

If I worked there, it would be irritating. Going, we finish at four. Yeah. But I didn't know they got fined and it was the law

no apparently they do well that is interesting so there you go anyone listening just plan your Sundays better I know what I'm going to from now on well that's a difference

so I would never have gone in at that time how come it's the law that they should but the one stop near where I live opens till eight o'clock I think it's certain

laws about things okay so it's just a Morrison's law is it no all the big supermarkets shut at 4 okay I still don't understand

the whole Sunday why can't it just be like 9 to 5 every day can you remember when all shops used to be shut on a Wednesday afternoon

no yeah that was a weird one I don't yeah yeah they used to shut early on a Wednesday I think 3 o'clock

they used to shut 3 o'clock 2 o'clock it's quite frustrating some schools used to have early on a Wednesday I think 3 o'clock they used to shut 3 o'clock 2 o'clock it's quite frustrating some schools used to have Wednesday afternoon off sorry oh we were never that

I was devastated King George near us did they finish at 2 o'clock or something on a yeah Wednesday afternoon crazy yeah we never had that

just googled it on Sundays large shops may open for no more than 6 continual hours between the period of 10am and 6pm why

all large shops must close on Easter Sunday and on Christmas Day that's on that's on the UK Parliament website why what are these

define large shop what the fuck the big well the big Tesco's and the big Asda yeah but define large is such a strange what's the square metreage

well clearly oh my god in contrast there are no opening restrictions for small shops brackets under 280 square meters or 3 000 square feet okay i should have just read the next part but why is i don't understand why that's the law so hard so we're so like forward thinking and

loads of stuff and then so backwards and other things like the six weeks holidays yeah we don't we're not in the 1950s anymore where women very rarely worked and all the kids play out in the street every day it's changed you don't let your kids out anymore because there's too many fucking pedophiles and horrible criminals and murderers so can we can we level it back a bit please do you know what i mean though there's stuff that's just so archaic in this country and they've just kept with it. That was a good word, wasn't it? Probably a sell-out. When you said archaic, I saw your little face

and I gave you a little nod. The nod of well done was supposed to be sort of just between us, but you stopped talking. You were so excited. I was buzzing with it. Very well done. It's just, you know, most women work now. It's not the way it was.

Like, you can't just let your kid go out and play at like eight o'clock in the morning, shout them back in at four for their tea. It doesn't work like that. Yeah. Oh, it's exhausting. Listen, let's get some balance. Let's go on a march, me and you.

I just think it needs to be rethought out. I think things just, I think they need to go. Do you know what? Loads of things need to be rethought out. The world's very different now. Let's have a look at how we could make this better. And I genuinely do think the Friday, Saturday, Sunday thing could work.

Throughout the full year that's probably the six weeks holiday. Six weeks holiday. Days. Six. Six times five. Quick.

Six times five. Oh God. Thirty. Oh my God. It's thirty? It is thirty. Yeah, so what's that? Thirty days.

Oh, you'd get more than that. Four weeks, yeah. Yeah, you'd probably get more than that. I just think it's... Kids would be good though. You wouldn't be able to go on a summer holiday

would you? Which is a good thing because I hate summer holidays. Well good because then you can just go whenever you want and take your kid out of school because that's ridiculous. Yeah, yeah. There should be certain weeks when you're like, would you? Which is a good thing because I hate summer holidays. Well, good, because then you can just go whenever you want and take your kid out of school because that's ridiculous.

Yeah, yeah. There should be certain weeks when you're like, well, you can't because we're doing this. Do you know what I mean? Like, this is the really important week. Yeah.

But, oh, I just think it's ridiculous. Maybe it's like a three-week summer holiday. I'm not the one to ask, but... I feel like teaching is so difficult that I think that six weeks

is for the teachers, not the kids. Yeah, I would agree with that. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Years ago in my single days, I was having regular sex with a guy I thought was exclusive, but it was definitely not. Regular sex with a guy that she thought was exclusive. She thought they were exclusive.

But it wasn't. But it wasn't. In fact, he was anything but. He was a shifty dude. Firstly, why? Why would you find that attractive? What a review. What a review.

He used to send me off to the sex shop during, I don't know what that means, with his credit card every visit while we stayed at his place. All right. So during every visit when she stayed at his, he would send her off to the sex shop with a credit card. Yeah. Yeah, red flag.

Yeah, shifty motherfucker. sex shop with a credit card. Yeah. Yeah, red flag. Yeah, shifty motherfucker. With a credit card and his little loyalty stamp card at the sex shop that every time he buys something, he gets a stamp on. Oh, awful. And there's loads more. Last time she was there, there was two stamps. Now there's six stamps.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm all right for a sex shop, I think. For me, classic shifty dude behaviour. Hi, do you have a reservation at this restaurant? No, yeah. Sorry, I didn't make it, though. I'm just meeting a guy here. Okay, can you describe him? shifty dude behaviour. Hi, do you have a reservation at this restaurant? No, yeah, sorry, I didn't make it though. I'm just meeting the guy here. Okay, can you describe him?

Shifty dude, table four. Table four, shifty dude. Shifty as fuck. Staff are terrified. The sex shop isn't interesting. I think we've talked about the sex shop before, but surely the sex shop has died now because of the internet.

It must have. You must only have now in sex shops people who can't work the internet, which is tragic in a way. Yeah, like your mum would be there. Well, no, my mum wouldn't be there. I mean, don't you work because who can't work the internet which is tragic in a way yeah like your mom would be there well no my mom wouldn't be there but i mean don't you just can't use the internet yeah but just not go to sex shops if your mom was desperate for a little bit of you know whatever tickles a pickle should be chili chocolate lube or something of course yeah yeah awful awful place there was one in newcastle that i went in it's near the gay scene that i went to once i

don't think it's there anymore and And just, it wasn't nice. Just wasn't, didn't have a nice vibe. I've never been in a sex shop. Have you never been in Anselmas? No. Scared. Anselmas is a,

it's not, it's a lingerie shop, isn't it? It's a sex shop. I think there's a bit at the back where you can get some lovely little things, but yeah,

I wouldn't say it was like full on. Never been in one. There's no porn on the shelves. Okay. Anyway, I did the usual, bought a few things. Of course you did.

But decided against buying any dildos as I'd previously bought a pretty decent one and thought I'd just find it when I got back to his place. Right. There was a previously purchased dildo at his place that she'd bought. Yes, she thought,

I'm not buying another one. I mean, yeah, they're not scratch cards. You can use them again. Yeah, exactly. Come on, guys. Give them a wash. Come on, guys. Use them again.

Give them a wipe. He did, guys. Use them again. Give them a wipe. He did his usual seduction routine, in brackets, wine, nice conversation with some lovely food, etc. Then went to get a shower. I took this opportunity to find my purple dildo and opened a bedroom cupboard. Oh, God. I kid you not, a mountain of sex toys fell out.

Things I wouldn't buy myself. Handcuffs, sexy shoes that weren't my size, etc. But the best part was the empty bags from that same sex shop he'd sent me to still contained receipts. Told you. I worked with this guy and had a lot of people move in the same circle as us who would visit him for work, in little commas. Being the detective I am i started to match receipts with the dates various women had posted about their work trips on facebook fuck off

so i got dressed back into my real clothes and out of my sexy gear and started to message them while he was still in the shower how long is this shower it's a very long shower doing a full episode of sherlock holmes. After messaging three women, I was suddenly added to a group message of 29 women who were fully under the impression that they were exclusively dating the same guy. 29 women. The best part was when I asked,

does he by any chance message any of you saying that you've made him go pointy? In brackets, hard. Oh, no! That's the worst thing I you've made him go pointy? In brackets hard. Oh no, that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Go pointy. Awful. Or that he misses your twinkle caves. Oh my God.

Twinkle cave. That's disgusting. All 30 of us were in hysterics, bonding over the utter disgust we all felt by laughing, but laughing about the cringe things he has said to us all. This is a very long shower, right? God almighty. In brackets, I would have done much more, but I wanted to leave before he got out of the shower. And then I packed them away. Wow. There you go.

29. Ladies, it says, Ladies, beware of Twinkle Cave Guy. The dick is decent. Twinkle Cave. I'm not surprised he's had no fucking practice. I know, but I swear the purple rabbit dildo is superior and won't make you feel like vomiting

by shouting about how pointy you've made it. Pointy. Well done. Pointy is... Horrible, isn't it? I don't think there's a worse word for it. You're making us go pointy. You think of like a pencil dick don't you?

Pointy. Tiny little like. No but point like it's not supposed to be sharp. Pointy. Oh god. It is awful. There's another like thing that we've got down further on in my little list. Right. But I don't know if I'm going to read it because it's a bit disgusting but it's very it's along the lines of just do it no because

it's a bit disgusting okay but when he wants a blowjob or whatever he's like come and give this a clean come and give this a clean that's horrible isn't it that's i mean i'm gonna use it on you no you apps don't you dare don't because not because the idea of you coming and giving this a clean makes me go pointy so So... Oh. Horrible. Do you want to hear something nice at the end of that? Yes, please. The 30 women group chat is still going four years later.

Oh, wow. The pointy peers. The Twinkle Cave crew. That's the one. Twinkle Cave crew, unite! Power of cave! Power of walls of cave! Power power of stone twinkle cave makes no

sense it sounds like porn written by someone who writes children's tv shows and i had to very carefully say that without sounding awful pointy twinkle cave both in the bin get that man in prison absolutely disgusting what i do love is the idea of him coming out the shower wondering where she's gone and then going to get a dildo or whatever and just realising he has to just clean

permanent marker off them for a bit. Little bit of dead all. So you've got all the names on. What's that Jimmy Nails song where he just names all the women?

But I'll tell you a good song that was on in the car the other day. I don't want nobody else I love you. She's lying. She's lying. She's lying. I don't want nobody else. I love you. She's lying. She's lying.

I don't want nobody else and that's true. She's lying. That's such a good song. Why does she pretend? So Rosie's now ringing her dad to find out what the name of this song is that we can't think of. But something like, you help me, I wrote this song for you we can't think of but something like you helped me i wrote this song

for you or something in it hello hi dad it's me hello hi yeah dad really quickly um what is this song that's got like all the women's names in is it by jimmy nail song all the women's names he's got he's mentioning women's names like Sharon and Linda and all that kind of stuff I can't think what it's called something like I wrote this song for you

I wrote this song for you I did huh aw man the only one I know is the one where it's a little bit of you know Mambo No. 5

that's Mambo No. 5 nah nah have you googled it? I've tried. I can't find it. I'll ask a couple of the lads. All right.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Just Googled it, and the song you were thinking of was Song for Whoever by Beautiful Self. Yes. Oh, Cathy. Oh, Alison. Oh, Philippa.

Oh, Sue. You made me so much money. I wrote this song for you. Wrote this song for you. Jennifer, Alison, Philippa, Sue. Deborah, Annabelle, too. I wrote this song for you. Jennifer, Alison.

That'll do, that'll do, that'll do. That's the one, yeah. What's he talking about, they made me so much money? I don't know, you know. It's because they broke his heart and now he's a singer and he sings about women. Maybe. Oh, that's it. Beautiful Southman. They are epic. Did they do, she's a perfect temperature, sings about women. Maybe. Oh, that's it. Beautiful South man.

They are epic. Did they do She's a Perfect Temperature Wears a 12 Baby Keep a Little Two for Me? Yes. Thought so. Like that one.

Yeah. Again, another example of songs that me mum and dad listened to in the car that I had to listen to because I didn't constantly want me own or get me own

fucking music on in the car when I was a kid. Hot 90s, that's what I've got on constantly. Hot 90s. I'm more of an 80s man myself. I know you are. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hi Rosie and Chris, long time listener, first time emailer. Yes. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I have a secret story to tell about my husband and the time he got admitted

to hospital for a fort, so please keep me anonymous. Well, well, well. We'd been together 14 years, married for five, and none of his friends know this story as he was way too embarrassed so naturally i had to tell you in the smart population oh brilliant thank you very much one evening way back in 2015 my husband was playing xbox till the early hours do you know i'm actually excited here like i'm actually excited because i

got someone i'm gonna hear about how someone was hospitalized but i just for a moment there i just realized i was like i'm really excited you you enjoy this pod i mean i love this podcast i genuinely people are like just and i'm like no this is the easiest and best job i've ever had longest job i've ever had yeah yeah yeah but do you enjoy it even more because you don't know any of these this is just so fun for me just getting to react to all these and i love it on the tour where I get to do it as well it's even better on the tour because I'm better when there's a crowd I feel like I should

be paid more I feel like you are cutting out I didn't hear what you said it's weird because you know when I worked at Capital I didn't do the desk

so the guy who I worked with got paid a bit more than me because he did all the desk because he did all the desk oh doing all the buttons and stuff what I do now boom continue okay fair enough continue reading your email that took you two seconds to do alright guy than me because he did all the desks because he did all the desks oh doing all the buttons and stuff what I do now oh

boom continue okay fair enough continue reading your email that took you two seconds to do alright guy it goes in the same account chill you fucking

oh it does now oh it does now now you think now you think I should get more it goes in the same account no it does now because

we had a conversation quite late at night when I'd had a drink about how our earned money went into just Chris's account so that's all changed. Good.

What happens is, well, when your wife listens to constant podcasts and watches constant documentaries about men leaving women and taking all of their money and then coming back and murdering them a year later, weirdly, she has a couple of drinks and accuses you of all those things. It's a very, very healthy way to live.

It's called getting me ducks in a row. It's fucking called being psychotic. Arsehole. How are you? Got to have your eyes open in this world, Chris. it's a very very healthy way to live it's called getting me ducks in a row you're not robbing me psychotic arsehole how are you gotta have your eyes open in this world Chris

right to get boring here anyone any lawyer with half a fucking brain cell could prove that we'd earned all of

the money together not necessarily not necessarily you'd be surprised yeah yeah yeah could probably find you a podcast about it oh good

this guy's on his xbox till the early hours I'm not excited anymore you've ruined it you've made it all about the money I was doing it for the enjoyment so he's on his Xbox he's about to hospitalise himself with a fart we're all excited

till the early hours in our open plan studio flat to keep himself awake sorry are you advertising this flat to us what's the local amenities like Mrs Wright move yeah how much does it cost to run this flat

where's your garden face do you know I watched a TikTok video the other day no way you didn't that doesn't sound like the way you'd

winter away your life no do you know what it said because at the minute everyone's a bit knackered with houses because the interest rates are so high

and everyone's locked into their house but this woman made a really good point she was like you, everyone's a bit knackered with houses because the interest rates are so high and everyone's locked into the house. But this woman made a really good point. She was like, you know, everyone's American. Everyone's saying they don't want to move because the interest rates are so high. And she's like, that's fair enough. But when they drop, which they will drop, everybody's going to be buying a house.

So what do you want to do? And I was kind of like, that makes a bit of sense. Because you're either going to pay high interest rates or you're going to be gazumped on houses and pay more so it's like oh anyway

it's almost like the odds are stacked against you it is isn't it it's almost like it's utterly shit to live in this day and age yeah anyway

right fucking he's in his flat probably in his kegs probably in his kegs open plan studio flat apparently yeah

very nice to keep himself awake to play god knows what he decided to drink alright okay I'm going to play God knows what, he decided to drink. All right, okay, I'm going to let you guess. So he's decided to drink such and such cans of full fat Coke over the course of four hours. How many cans of Coke do you think he's drank in four hours?

To keep himself awake to play on his computer. Fucking, first of all, respect. Giant baby. Giant man baby. Yeah. Mmm, four hours. I'm going gonna go conservative here because there's a lot of caffeine in there

and it's hard to drink I'm gonna go over four hours I'm gonna say it might not be conservative I'm gonna say eight I'm gonna say every half an hour

he's had a can of coke eight cans of coke that's a shit load right I'm telling you now you're wrong more yes

right he drank 23 go and fuck off cans of full fat coke over the course of four hours. How is he not dead? Four hours? Yeah, 23 cans of coke.

Oh my God! A few hours later, I was walking to the sound of my husband rolling around in pain on the bathroom floor. He was beside himself with bodily fluids coming out of both ends. Glorious. Oh my God! After a chat with 111 in the early hours of Sunday morning. So it's more than five an hour, by the way.

It is. Five and a bit an hour, yeah. Horrendous. They told us to go to a walk-in clinic down the centre of Portsmouth. Right. In brackets, amongst the drunks and riffraff, it was a sight to behold. Once there, oh, because this is like in the morning. Yeah.

Once there, the GP asked a number of questions. Once there, oh, because this is like in the morning. Yeah. Once there, the GP asked a number of questions. And at this point, my husband, who never ever cries, was bawling like a baby in pain. I shouldn't laugh, but it serves him right. What a fucking idiot. I would say, oh, but wait till the end.

The GP then said he thinks it might be pancreatitis and phoned through the hospital to get him admitted into a ward. Right. Shit, this is bad, I thought. Best phone the in-laws and tell them what is happening. Off we drive to the hospital to get him admitted into a ward. Right. Shit, this is bad, I thought. Best phone the in-laws and tell them what is happening. Off we drive to the hospital, husband still in lots of pain. We park at the bottom car park of the hospital with a short walk up the hill to the main entrance.

Once inside, he was given a fetching hospital gown to put on and immediately taken to a bed to wait for the doctor. A couple of minutes into our hospital visit, he taps him on the shoulder and says, Huh? Rich, I feel fine. I did a massive fart walking from the car park, and now I feel fine? Oh, you fucking dick.

Turns out it wasn't pancreatitis. He had just drank so much fizz, he needed to let out a stinking huge fart. Wow. The worst part was his parents and sister had rushed down to the hospital and were besides themselves in tears and I was the one who had to tell them your son doesn't have pancreatitis

he just needed to let a massive one rip. Wow. Disgusting. Amazing. And while you were saying that just before this question I opened the window less than an inch and a fucking wasp has come in.

A wasp? How did it know? They have an element of danger. I don't like them. Look at it! Look at it! Get out, you stupid piece of shit! Oh God, it's going out. Oh my God. Get out! I've got to let it out.

Go on, get out. Hate them. I've got to let it out. There we go I don't think shouting at them does actually work to be honest no I think it worked

I think it worked it looked scared it did look a bit scared it looked scared can you remember the time have we spoke about on the podcast the time when

so I never used to eat sprouts when I was younger because my mum just used to steam them in a steamed sprout I mean I'll eat them now because I know it's good for us but

I love sprouts well can you not remember I actually like the taste of them can you not remember the time when we first we first lived together when we're in the one-story glory in the bungalow yeah and you did and you never do them because they are quite bad for you now but you did sprouts in butter with bacon sprouts in butter i mean they're not that bad for you but we tried it a bit better yeah that was before kids and that when we could eat what we wanted. We were shredded. We were, yeah, but we were pasta.

We were pasta and wine every night. Oh, every night. It was amazing. Oh, those were the days. Anyway, remember it was a Sunday night. I had a gig at a club called Hilarity Bites in Darlington. And just before going, you did a Sunday dinner. And I had the Sunday dinner.

And the sprouts, I was like, that's amazing. I was like, I've never liked sprouts. And I ate like a full another portion of them and on the way i had to stop and pull over because i was in so much pain oh yeah it was just a fart i don't get that from but i thought well that's good i think that's because you've ate sprouts your whole life i'd never ate sprouts so my entire body was like what the fuck is this goodness i remember i had to pull over in a in a lay-by not even a lay-by one of the little lay-by bits on the a1 that isn't actually a lay-by. Not even a lay-by. One of the little lay-by bits on the A1 that isn't actually a lay-by.

It's like the hard shoulder. And I had to pull out and just basically stand at the side of my car and just bend my torso and fart. It was horrible. I was in agony. So wind, like we're joking about this guy, but wind.

People get hospitalized with wind all the time. Someone I know had wind in their shoulder. Yeah, yeah. You can get it all over you. You can get it all over your back and everything. It's mad. But I yeah, you can get it all over you. You can get it all over your back and everything. It's mad. Yeah, it's horrible. But I mean, why did he...

Why didn't... When he walked into the hospital, why wasn't the first thing he said, I've had 5.1 cans of coke every hour for the past four hours? Might be a bit normal for him. That's crazy. I struggle drinking a can of pop. I can't drink a full can of pop.

No, I know. I don't see the point. I don't find it that enjoyable. It hurts. I drink four things, Rosie. Uh-huh. Water. Come on, yeah. Water. drinking a can of pop I can't drink a full can of pop no I know I don't see the point I don't find it that enjoyable it hurts I drink four things Rosie water come on yeah

water coffee beer wine sometimes tea but I've got five name me the last time I had a tea

Chris I can't remember well I haven't even got a kettle at the minute it's really embarrassing having a tea for ages I drink how many things do I drink are you ready

I'll tell you right now right no I'll tell you don't you fucking tell me what I drink Jesus she really isn I drink are you ready I'll tell you right now right no I'll tell you don't you fucking tell me what I drink she really isn't scared of us in my phone water yeah

juice what there's a problem there what bad for you innit sugar teeth oh probably

bad for you water juice yeah coffee yeah wine yeah that's it

gin and tonic gin and tonic there you go yeah five well done alright well done alright well done nice

wow what a boring conversation I know I'm so sorry everyone hey listen come what you drink babadoo babadoo babadoo got a really

really quick ick for you quick ick men who stand with their legs together really yeah make

it says here honestly make Chris stand up with his legs completely together, knees and ankles touching. Let's have a look. Wow.

I just want to see what it looks like. Okay. But I thought manspreading was a thing. I thought you got told off having your legs open. We've learned from this,

you can't win. You can't win, right. Okay. So stand up, you've got to put your knees and your ankles together. I'll stand normally first. All right,

stand normal. Oh yeah, oh there he is, yeah. There he is there. All right, okay, yeah. Give us a clean. Oh God, he's disgusting. Right, stand normal. Oh yeah, oh there he is. Yeah, alright, okay. Oh God, he's disgusting. Right, put your legs, put your knees in, right, okay, I'm shutting my eyes. Oh, hang on. Yes? The shirt? The shirt? Why's he got it on? Oh God God, he got his knob out. Oh God.

Oh, I didn't even look at your knees. Do it again, I didn't even see. Nob was hanging in the way of the... Oh, don't get your knob out again. Come on. I'll be sick. Go on then. You ready? That's horrible. That's awful. You look like a washing bowl. That's awful.

Oh, no. That is ick. Why are they always right? I sometimes want them to be wrong and go, no, you're wrong. That's a horrible thing to say about poor men. As soon as I said it, I was like, yeah, that's definitely it. Oh, God.

Yeah. I very rarely see people standing like that. You've got no balance whatsoever. You couldn't stand on the tube like that. Is it because, do you stand with your legs open? Because, like, genuinely, like, do your balls get a crush, get in the way? No, no, they sort of sit in front. When you shake your legs, they sort of move to the front slightly.

But, I mean, no, you in front. When you shake your legs, they sort of move to the front slightly. But I mean, no. You don't stand like that with your legs pointing together. Do I stand with my legs open or shut? Come on. All right, go guys. Can I open?

Touche. She got her fanny out. We are... We are the worst I knew you were going to do it and I still looked

fuck's sake yeah I told you the window was open and that's why we don't video the podcast that's exactly why because there's knobs and fannies all over

the shop homemade little porn babadoo babadoo babadoo thank you so much for listening to our little podcast

Shag Married Annoyed which is part of the Acast Create Anna Network yes thank you very much Create Anna Network thank you very much and if you want to get in touch it is shaggedmarriedannoyed

at gmail.com big love and we'll be back in the years next week bye bye everyone you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features

Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.