Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 228. Roll In The Woods

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

On the podcast this week, The Ramseys are back from their holiday and they’re also celebrating their anniversary! The beefs include a packing conundrum and someone’s sent in a bizarre egg-related turn on. QFTPs include a bin incident, wedding day jujitsu and the worst photo of all time.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marinoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, or as my husband likes to call me, Hobelaw.

That husband is Christopher Ramsey and he's here as well. Hobelaw. Horrible. Hobelaw. Have you only just noticed that I've been calling you Hobelaw? You've called us Hobelaw for a while, but you did it just about 30 seconds ago. Hobelaw. She's a Hobelaw.

Hobelaw. It's like Hullabaloo, but Hobelaw. It's really not nice. It's extremely affectionate and endearing and it's a pet name and I think we'll add it to the... To all of them. It's kind of offensive. Hore Balor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's saying I'm a whore.

And then the Balor sounds a little bit like what's it? Wolfish. Wolfish? Like a pig or something. What's them pigs called in the wild a boar oh haw boar

that might be even better haw boar might be even better oh this is great because then it's a triple insult right because it's haw and it's pig and haw boar

sounds slightly like hobo what they call sort of homeless people in America so this is it's a triple threat right

where's me pen where's me pen great thanks very much for that little A little pen pot there. I'm a bit giddy because I feel like we haven't done one for ages because we did two off the belt and then we went on holiday. Went on holiday. So I feel a bit refreshed. Yeah. Dare I say it? Even though one holiday with the kids.

Listen, we had a lovely time. That was the first holiday we've ever had. I told you. I told you it would be great. No, you can go fuck yourself. I said, everyone go back and listen to the podcast the last week. I said it would be amazing. I said stop stressing about it. I said stop ruining it. I told you it would be amazing i said stop stressing about it i said stop ruining it i told you it would be did it everyone he did it we were sat there we were sat there having a gin and tonic day three and he gave us took three days took three days took three days the first two days we'll unpack it all we're going

to unpack it all but you're joining us on a very special day um because it is our nine year anniversary when we record this today, 25th of July. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. And thank you for all of the nothing you got us this morning. We said we weren't doing gifts. I appreciated it. Yeah, but I like to do that.

You say, I like to say we're not doing gifts, then I like to get you a gift, and then I'm like, oh, it's fine. And then I wear heavy as me soul and me heart as I trundle off into the sunset without a gift. Giftless. I kind of think that you should just

be like is it really sexist to say the man by the woman hold on can I just tell everyone when you came to this so I walked into

Rosie's little dressing room this morning with a present for her and she gave it the whole oh please no you can't have you can't oh I haven't got

I feel terrible I feel terrible and then as you took the present out of my hands you went actually I feel like the man should just get the woman presents

on anniversaries anyway. I went, oh, you sorted yourself out with that quite quick, didn't you? But now you said it out loud, it's made us feel a bit ill. But yeah, on Valentine's Day, same. Yeah. We do more. We sacrifice more than you. Women do?

Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, we do. You actually said to me, you said to me, having the kids at home is harder than going on tour. Did I say say on the podcast you might not have but i've outed you now because there's no evidence of it there's no evidence of it then what can you do well listen nine years yeah are you happy i'm gonna be nice to you yeah

don't do it very often oh shit right okay brace yourselves everyone everyone press skip so you don't hear this talk about me tight fanny that you haven't seen for a while I barely remember it did you have sex on holiday with folk no we'll unpack it we slept in different beds

every night went to bed at nine o'clock with the children woke up at seven was the most sleep I've ever had felt like a new man not a tiddle

I was touched not a tiddle I was touched honestly at one point we're in the bathroom I was getting changed you glanced at me penis

I nearly just came and nearly just ejaculated through the excitement she's looking at it ahhh um alright go on um

I love you best nine years of my life love you to bits there you go oh what that was that was sincere it was sincere

it was short it was sweet just like I aforementioned a tiddler I love you I do there we go no no listen do you know what it is i feel like um marriage has really taught me how to actually be grateful for what you have i don't know i just think but us being married it's not perfect it's not it's not perfect there's loads of stuff that i think you know and i'm sure you think the same about me it's normal it's natural nobody's perfect but genuinely in in the big picture i'm really happy

so well so am i so well done us sorry about all the sobbiness hey if you're out there we hope you're happy it's episode 228 thank you so much for being here thank you so much for joining us uh we'll love you a bit we'll love that you listen to this and uh i could spend the whole time thanking you but i'm not going to I'm going to roll straight on to this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is

doing chin-ups on the pool bridge oh yeah hey hey on holiday hey is your swimming pool got one of them little bridges that goes over the well make sure you

do chin-ups on it where everyone can see you know who you are go on swim over there fella go on can you reach it was the men doing it oh fucking mainly men You do chin-ups on it where everyone can see you know who you are. Go on. Swim over there, fella. Go on. Can you reach it? Was the men doing it?

Oh, fucking mainly men. Oh, I didn't see them. Can you reach it? Can you reach the bridge? Go on. You reach up. Oh, you're touching it. Go on.

Pull yourself up. Go on. Everyone thinks you're awesome. Well done. I only saw kids doing it. Yeah? Was the men doing it? No, it was blokes doing it.

The dads did it first. It was like, yeah, doing doing chin ups on the poo bridge dude come on man come on there was a lot of nice bodies on horrible on horrible day yeah it was horrible

it was horrible there was a lot of nice bodies awful we've got a lot to unpack about the holiday actually we have indeed so let's crack the fuck on here's a jingle

we had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle.

Ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. Hello! Let's unpack that holiday case and tell you guys about one of the most stressful mornings of me life. Maybe because I just feel I get really anxious about these kind of things. First morning of the holiday, we were very lucky that we got a swim-up room in our hotel.

It was lush. Got a book, and fuck, that's early. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. Who books the holidays? Okay, fuck. Do you know what it is? Can we not just enjoy our holidays

instead of you bringing up everything that you've done? You know what I mean? God. You do. I just, I've wrote it in my phone. You do fuck all on holiday right we'll get to that listen

yeah we will the amount of times I've seen swimming pools to be fair it is my fault because we go places and some of these hotels have got swimming pools and I always go

why didn't we get one of them and you go because we fucking booked it a fortnight ago but we managed to get one but yeah you've skipped over the fact that Robin had about

four hours sleep the night before the holiday because he was so excited we're telling him when we go on holiday again we are going sleep the night before the holiday because he was so excited. We're telling him, when we go on holiday again, we are going to tell him that the holiday isn't the next day. We're going to tell him it's the following week and then just randomly wake him up in the morning and be like, it's actually today, get the fuck ready.

Wish we could do it for Christmas, but you suggested doing it for Christmas. I was like, you can't because then you just miss the whole lovely Christmas. Christmas seems really nice. It's in a week, but I'm just leaving this carrot here for no reason at all this is where i keep me carrots he kept i mean he's getting anxious like me he kept waking up and he was like he got upset didn't he because he couldn't sleep he was too excited we're gonna miss the flight i was like

for fuck's sake and then he on the flight he was such a prick yeah he was so tired yeah can you remember what he said i wrote it down on my phone what he said at one point what did he say so because you you know you know when you obviously look out the plane window and when you're like 35 40 000 feet whatever it is you look you know you can't really sort of what's the word you can't tell how fast you're going because you're so high yeah and he's going it's taking ages he's like hadn't had any sleep he's being a dick he's like it's taking forever. And he's going, it's taking ages. And he's like, hadn't had any sleep, he's been a dick. He's like, it's taking forever.

When are we going to get there? It's taking forever. And he opened the blind, he looked out the window and he went, oh, we're not even moving. We're not even,

I was like, trust us mate, we're literally going fast as fuck. You wouldn't have it though, would you? Oh no, he's going, look, we're not even moving as fuck you wouldn't have it though would you oh no he's gone look we're not even moving

he was awful actually oh horrible anyway we get there then the next yeah yeah so our first day a little bit tarnished because we'd had

this lovely swim room the kids kids woke up at 6 o'clock which was nice right and we thought we can't let them in the Robin

can we go in the pool that's with the hour as well that's with the plus hour. That's not six o'clock. Oh, yeah, so it was five o'clock. That's five o'clock hour time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I was like, you can't go in the pool. It's six o'clock in the morning. You cannot go in the pool. Yeah. So we kept them in the room for two hours. We waited till eight o'clock in the morning. I thought, you know what it is? It's a kid's hotel, right?

Yeah. Eight o'clock in the morning. And they'll keep, we're like, don't be too loud. Do you know what I mean? Don't scream and shout. Let them out. Half an hour later. R they'll keep, then they were like, don't be too loud, do you know what I mean? Don't scream and shout. Let them out. Half an hour later. That's a fawn.

That was a fawn. That's not some kind of tropical bird. Yeah. Didn't actually, the fawn wasn't even like that. Why didn't you just say the fawn? Why didn't you just say the fawn rings? Why didn't you just say the fawn rings?

I had to do sound effects. Well, it was a terrible sound effect and you wasted everyone's time, including mine. Right, well, the fawn rang and it was the hotel. What did had to do sound effects. Well, it was a terrible sound effect and you wasted everyone's time, including mine. Right, well, the phone rang and it was the hotel. What did it sound like? It actually sounded,

it went, don't get on, don't get on. Awful. It was one of them. And it was a hotel concierge telling me to shut my manky kids up. Yep. And, yeah,

because a few people had complained. I don't think it was a few people. The northerners are here. Yeah, the clamped guys, the clampeds have arrived. Manky kids in the pool. So, yeah, so that was fun. So, obviously, for the rest of the holiday,ners are here yeah the guys the clans have arrived kids in the pool so yeah so that was fun so obviously for the rest of the holiday we were sat around the pool trying to guess who it was who complained about it was literally was it them was it them i bet it was them oh no hold on they've got a kid but their kids older bet their kid sleeps in

fucking pieces of shit look at you you fucking kid what we've got to wake our children up fuck off oh i hate that crap hate that crack of every school i've gotta to wake our children up fuck off oh I hate that crack hate that crack every school I've got to got to wake my my my my

my my my my my my my my

my my my my my my my my

my my my my my my my my

my my my my my my my my

my my my my my my my my

my my my my my my my my

my my my my my my my my

my my my my my my my my

my my my my my my my my my my It is just jealousy. It's just jealousy. So from then on, we had to wait till nine o'clock to let them in the pool. Yeah. That'd be very much

first world problems, but obviously... Pure first world problems, but still. It was just annoying. But that's the thing, the other pools, they go,

these don't open till this time. You go, yeah, but this is on our balcony kind of floor. Well, it's not on my balcony, fucking hell.

It's like Shanghai Hotel where it's in the sky. This is like on our thing. So what... There wasn't a sign. There wasn't any rule. But, I don't know. What do you do? It's you do it's kids in it like the people who lived either side of her they'll have

just heard them in the room being dicks for two hours so you know it's lose lose for them fellas i mean i had to i had to like talk chris down though because he was giving it there i'm going in at six tomorrow yeah oh yeah yeah i was after that phone call i was oh was going to do a seven hour midnight dip and at four o'clock is where I do my aqua screaming backstroke oh sorry am I waking anyone up

sorry it's just me it's me religion Jesus Christ I felt terrible though but then isn't that it my first normally because

my first thing that I went to was I wouldn't I would moan about it if someone had woke me up I'd be pissed off but I wouldn't complain but that's just me

I guess I think it's that it's that thing we are I always I give it the big and sometimes and I'm like I don't fucking care

like under my breath to you I do care I don't like being told off in any situation I don't like being told off no makes us feel like a little child again. I hate it.

Yeah, it wasn't cool. But then we had to try and downplay it to Robin because obviously I think he got a bit paranoid because he hates getting told off as well. So he got a bit paranoid. He's like, God, we're allowed in the pool. Yeah.

Anyway, other than that, genuinely had a really nice time. The kids are getting a bit older. It was lush and you know, one of them can fully swim now, so it's not as danger, not as danger, danger.

Gets better, gets better, all good. And if you're going on a summer holiday, you've been on a summer holiday, you might be listening to us now on a summer holiday. Hope you're having a lovely little time. I don't think everyone's going on a summer holiday, by the way. All right, well, okay, if you're not, hope you're also having a lovely little time.

No, just cost 11 crisis. It's really shit. Well, I just hope everyone's having a lovely little time. I just wanted to be clear there. It's really shit. Well, I just hope everyone's having a lovely little time. All right, I just wanted to be clear there. Well, it's just your point. Well, I get it. Like, it's obvious. We're whinging about a summer holiday,

but it is first world problems and everything's relative. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, I'm just saying, Chris, I'm being very aware that a lot of my friends who work full-time jobs on very good wages actually can't afford a holiday this year.

And I think the world's gone mad and I think something needs to change because it's mental. But if it makes you feel better, we got bollocked on our first day and on the holiday Rosie went on before with her mum and everyone, someone shat in the pool. So honestly, swings and roundabouts, just stay here. I would.

So like we said before, it is our anniversary. Nine years married. Yeah. What's that? That's 11 and a half years together or 10 and a half years together. And probably 11 years since the old first. Pork.

The old air. Yeah. That is awful. Is that a nice noise? One of them? Horrible. The first time I just went, I did that in the street and then ran off didn't even know who I was

um so I've and do you know what it is right we've been a bit sobby but I think it's fair to say nothing says happy anniversary

like me don't are you gonna like me yeah no

not wanna say it oh yes oh go on nothing says happy anniversary like walking into the room where your wife's getting ready this morning and catching her, squatting and putting her tampon in.

As I shouted on my way out of the room, happy birthday! I've told you to knock. I know that's happy birthday. I've told you to knock. I always knock on you. I'm not knocking on your house. It's all right, pig.

I always... Would you start knocking when you're... I could be your house alright pig I always would you start knocking when you I could be doing anything in there what do you think this is hey

honestly I'm just not going to come in anymore you're going to have to beckon me into that room it was a very

I just don't know why these things happened to us on our anniversary it was like you were doing something wrong it was like

I'd caught a teenage boy wanking your face you were like I was like you're not doing anything wrong it's a horrible

thing to do you weren't doing anything wrong I know but it's a very um absolutely i think other women would agree i don't know why i think putting a tampon in is like quite a i don't know how to describe it it's like a really private thing yeah and not meant nobody nobody ever sees you do it don't leave your door open um it was wide open to the face because it's a very swift we're talking about your door still. Door and vagina. Right, okay.

Slid straight in. Looking forward to a bloody sex later on. Oh, you can fuck right No chance. No chance. For the episode of Dexter. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab

It's time for What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Now listen, it's our anniversary.

So have you got beefs? I mean, yeah. After that holiday I've got tons. Oh, wonderful, beef, beef. Now listen, it's our anniversary. So have you got beefs? I mean, yeah. After that holiday, I've got tons. Oh, wonderful. Okay. I've got beefs as well. So let's dance. Okay.

I don't know whether to do a holiday one or... Well, they both happened on holiday, but I don't know if you want me to mention this one. I've got a holiday beef. Right, you go first. Okay. You sure? Yeah.

I mean, I don't know how you date. So my beef with you is um you constantly you you packed everything you packed the kids stuff you packed your stuff obviously annoyingly i had to pack my stuff you didn't do that as well but you packed like i'm sorry if you're packing your partners oh no um but you know you packed all your all of the stuff all the all the knickknacks yeah the creams and things and food for the kids and that. And then all you did... Sorry, guys, yeah, we did stay in an all-inclusive hotel, but we have to take extra food for our kids

because they eat as soon as they open their eyes. Literally, yeah. There's no facilities open and no restaurants or buffets open and they're just like... They actually didn't really eat at the buffet because they'd just ate in the room. Yeah, it would be two hours of not it would hold the dicks the dicks they get up early in the dicks but uh obviously you did all

the pattern stuff um you wore like a fucking badge of honor for the entire holiday um tell the truth now at one point did i ever say you forgot that or where's this or where's that no no i would never do that okay right i would never go, you forgot this. No, no. Yeah, you would. When you've packed it all. About five years ago, you would have.

Yeah, I've changed. I've changed. I'm a better guy now. Yeah, you are. So you've packed all the stuff and I was, you know, I would never say,

where's this? Where's that? You've got, I can't believe you forgot that. So I said to you, this is my beef, I said to you, right,

shut up about how you've packed everything. Next year, next holiday, I will pack everything. I will've packed everything. Next year, next holiday, I will pack everything. I will pack absolutely everything. I'll pack all the kids' stuff. I'll pack the lot. But you can't kick off if I forgot everything.

You said you wouldn't be up for that. No. So do you see the Catch-22 I'm living in? I'm living in a Catch-22 where you take it upon yourself to be a control freak and pack everything and do everything

that I never kick off about but then you you don't you should do this you should do this okay I'll do that I'm not letting you do that you'll do it wrong

what am I supposed to do? Well, I don't know. Thank you. Your silence is deafening. Deafening. Yeah, I would just I would just

you wouldn't, you'd forget loads of stuff. I would have to tell you what to pack anyway, so I might as well do it. Right. And I'm good at writing lists and that. So I'm living in a world

where I can't win. You're living in a box. I'm living in a box. I'm living in a world where I can't win. I'm living in a world where I can't win. I'm not allowed to do it

because you go, that's wrong, but then you do it and I get bollocked because I haven't done it. Do you understand? No, okay, fair enough, but you just didn't do note. What do you want to do? Because you want to fucking do it and I get bollocked because I haven't done it. Do you understand? No, okay. Okay, fair enough. But you just didn't do nought.

What do you want to do? Because you want to fucking do it all yourself. You can't be in control. All right, okay, listen. Go shake my hand. Oh my God, just shake my hand. There you go.

I'm sorry. Fair enough. Wow. Listen, my beef with you is you did fuck all on holiday. Now, hold on. I'm stunned. Did I just win?

Maybe. My beef with you, do you want to hear me beef? You might know this. This might just win? Maybe. My beef with you, do you want to hear my beef? You might if you know this. This might not even go in. Okay. My beef with you was, we were sat,

the kids went to kids club. Oh my God, they went to kids club. Kids went to kids club. And they both really enjoyed it. Brilliant. I mean, they only went for like two and a half hours,

for two days, for two and a half hours, but they loved it. Yeah, yeah. And we, successful, success. Even Rafe,

because I was very much of the because when you dropped him off I said if he even cries at all don't because he's only two I was like oh my god only one not crying yeah which was amazing

and I'd seen all the ladies the day before around the pool with the kids and they were fantastic and I was like yes this is bang on both loved it

Robin absolutely loved it but yeah so we got a few hours by ourselves a little bit boring we weren't a little bit bored which is mad it was lovely but we're a bit hours by ourselves little bit boring weren't we a little bit bored which is mad it was lovely

but we're a bit bored I actually which was really weird I thought I wish I'd bought my gym gear I felt a bit ill when I said that

yeah I saw a couple drop their kid off at kids club and then go to the beach yeah go to the beach

to do exercises they were nice they were fitness out there too they were a lush couple actually weren't they I didn't care for them no they were dead I were fitness out there too they were a lush couple actually weren't they I didn't care for them

no they were dead panty as well actually they were used to yellows anyway we were sat chilling

and I was like no kids this is amazing felt guilty though because other people had their kids and I was like I haven't got mine

I look like a terrible mother fuck it anyway so we were sat and I was having a coffee and you were really down yeah

you were really really down yeah. You were really, really down. Yeah. Can I say it? Yeah. Come on. Chris was really, really down. So I got anxious about certain things. Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, what's the matter? And you said to me, you're like, if I tell you, I can't tell you because you're going to laugh or you're going to judge us. You're going to be mad. And I was like, I was in quite a good mood. And I was like, look, I just- By the way, by the way, can I just, sorry,

can I just sort of preempt this with don't be getting in touch with us and trying to get us to do stuff for anyone or trying to help. It's just, it's... I get it's a massive problem, but I get anxious about mad shit depending on what I've seen online.

Do you know how many people I speak to? Some of my close friends, even when you talk about your anxiety, they're like, that's how I feel. You help people when you're saying it. Sometimes a certain bit of my anxiety will latch on to something in the world and i'll worry about that thing fucking forever i remember years ago a friend of mine a comedian friend of mine said when oil runs out it'll be like children of men it'll be like a lawless society but it looked like a normal society i was fucking ill on oil running out for years ill on it but my new one is climate change climate change had a bad day about climate

change specifically i saw a post saying the ocean was too hot and thousands of fish washed up on a beach in texas and i fucking was ill about it so no but and and weirdly like we should be because it is quite worrying but it was just the way like I know I shouldn't laugh and I'm really sorry but you were just literally I was like

what's the matter you were like you're gonna laugh and you were so down but I got really worried I was like shit I was like

right yeah he's having an affair this is it I'm gonna find out on holiday in the 35 degree heat while my kids aren't here that he's having an affair

so I was like come on what's the matter come heat while my kids aren't here that he's having an affair. So I was like, come on, what's the matter? Come on, tell us what's up. And you're just like, climate change. I get myself really worked up about stuff. And don't get us wrong. I'm not sitting here now going, oh, it's fine. It's not fine.

It's not. As Bill Burr always says on his podcast, I'm hoping they're going to figure it out. But it's just certain things I see you know how Instagram does that thing with the algorithm where it throws so it throws loads of stuff at you it goes

this is something you like this is something you like this is something you agree with this is something you like bang here's something to ruin your fucking day but I can tell you right now the reason why you're seeing them

is because you read them and the longer that you stay on a post like that you haven't watched the social dilemma on Netflix I understand how it works no you don't because you've not seen the program yeah i understand so the longer you read something and

stay on that they'll show you more it gives you something something fun something fun something good worry about this get you you know fear sells clicks i get it but sadly there's nothing you can do i mean i do my bit i recycle like well yeah of course but you personally can't do anything so don't ruin our day on holiday about climate change, please. You just got it that I waited until the kids were in kids club to start thinking about climate change.

You picked a moment like it was very... Do you know what we had sorted out my climate change worry? 20 minute walk in 36 degree heat. Yeah. Weirdly sorted my head out. Which had gone by airplane. Which had gone by airplane too.

Funny that that innit yeah yeah yeah fucking my brain honestly it's not my friend my brain is not my friend I think a lot of people

are the same so and sadly my friend Steph my best mate Steph is exactly like you yeah she's like you

in female form right and I told her about this last night and i could see her brain ticking over and then went the toilet she went do you think it's really bad like oh god it's really really bad um but yeah so now i'm surprised i haven't had a phone call actually going i can't stop thinking about climate change because she's exactly like you yeah oh anyway who wants a little champagne truffle that i got free from wait rose I'm surprised I haven't had a phone call actually going. I can't stop thinking about climate change because she's exactly like me. Oh, anyway, who wants a little champagne truffle that I got free from?

Wait, Rose, when we did the dish podcast. I don't want that. It's going to make us claggy. I don't want a champagne truffle. Well, I mean, you've given up sugar. I haven't given up sugar. I just don't eat as much of it now. But I tell you what, I need a wee.

You've given up sugar every time I fucking want you to eat something sugary. Sorry, why do you want me to have a champagne truffle? What's wrong with you? Does it make you feel better that you're gorging on champagne truffles during our podcast, if I have one as well? It does, because there was a couple of times on holiday when I felt ashamed. Do you know the carbon footprint of that champagne truffle? Oh, sure.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, don't. The first Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

That last section was brought to you in partnership with Michael Jackson's Earth Song. What have we done to the world? Look what we've done. But then again, I mean, so how is someone like him who comes out and says something and you go, ah, we're not listening to you.

I just think that billionaires are very greedy. Yeah. And the, I mean, they probably all made the little bunkers for when it goes horrible.

Yeah, yeah. But at the same time, they're going to want to keep being billionaires and they can't make money if there's no world. So I think someone will fix it thank you for coming thank you for coming to rosie's ted talk on climate change and the cut listen right they

can't make money right if there's no world right well look okay right listen tell me is that stupid because i've already said that to a few people no it's not it's it's extremely simplistic but if there's no world, it's hilarious. Do you know what I mean, though? They're going to get rich. They are really rich, but one day they'll not be able to get any more money and that's what they want. So someone will fix it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think somebody will fix it. Speaking of problems being fixed, we're all aware of my history of extremely loud drinking receptacles on this podcast. Are you ready for me to have a drink of my new receptacle

oh because the bloody company the company sent you loads of free bottles so they heard that you didn't like all me loud drinks

so they sent some shit loads I mean they sent some fucking loud ones as well they sent some for the kids which are actually amazing

what are they called are you ready are you ready camelback are you ready for this drink yeah go on I'm gonna have a drink

of water I'm right next to the microphone just so you know are you ready for this drink? Yeah, go on. I'm going to have a drink of water. I'm right next to the microphone just so you know. Are you ready for this everyone? Oh, right. Okay. Silent.

So they can do it. So why do they make them shitty bottles that make so much noise? Well, they're for running in that and for when you're

on the peloton. That one there I've just drunk Is it like the It's the squeezy That doesn't squeeze Like the footballers do. Yeah, yeah.

That one there That I've just used If I tried that While on the treadmill I'd knock my fucking teeth out Right okay It's time Oh go on then

You didn't start with it Sorry I was Just doing a little bit Wasn't I Babadoo babadoo babadoo It's time for Questions from the public The cues from the pews

And the mew mew mew mew And the bee mew mew mew Doodle doodle doodle Doodle bees Right that's enough If you want to get in touch at shagmarinoid at gmail.com please continue to send us your wonderful

input as we bloody, bloody love it. And a special thank you to everyone who's been getting in touch with my management and getting in touch with me on Twitter about who do you think you are. Oh yeah, wow. I've had such an outpouring of lovely, lovely messages and people who's someone whose

father took the photos that my granddad had of nagasaki literally took the photos oh wow they got in touch it's his handwriting on the back of the photos loads of people have got in touch with management management are sort of filtering the emails through i do not have time to get back to all them but i am reading them and thank you for offers of like people have offered to mount me granddad's medals on a special like mountain board genuinely I will not have time to reply to you all

but thank you so so much it really is appreciated I'm really glad you enjoyed my little family history how cool was it as well that it was really sort of I don't know how

I would describe it but it was close to you like recent history yeah recent it wasn't like you know 150 years ago your ancestor was part of this

one bit of it was that so thank you for watching can't really remember but yeah that was the line in hospital 1700s oh yeah of course

but yeah no it was mint but no it was your grandad yeah big shout out to everyone at the Durham Miners as well went to the Durham Miners

and filmed a full day there but they ended up not using it which was very annoying oh no yeah oh because didn't your grandad one of your grandads

hold a really heavy sort of placard when a miner died he held this big thing it was really lovely but um they just didn't have time to put everything in i'd love to do mine yeah you never know they might do again i'm just saying i'm glad we weren't related one of the people doing the research told us i'm sure i said it on here that they went so far back in me mining history on that side of the family that wasn't shown but she said she went so far back that she thought at one point

I was just going to be related to a lump of coal so it was just miner after miner after miner after miner I feel like that's all mine would be

yeah it'd be very very boring well you know but it's really cool to do maybe though if we did yours

you'd find out where you got all your chins from happy anniversary darling wow wow It's really cool to do. Maybe though, if we did yours, you'd find out where all your chin's from. Happy anniversary, darling. Wow. Wow. That's, eh... It's because you hate

your dad's chin. Well, that's not... Don't say that. No, but it's your chin. It's just, it's genetic. Because your chin is my chin. My chin is your chin.

It would take an eternity to make us. Anyone there, any fellas, any fellas listening, if you see the Derren Brown thing I just did there, when it looks like you've offended your wife, if she is a bit musical, just start singing a song and she will burst into that song. Completely forget how she was offended.

You all right, darling? You all right over there? Yeah. Hiya, love. Love you. Okay, so you know how we get a lot of... Are we still doing this shit? Are we still married? I don't know. Do you know how we get a lot of it are we still doing this shit are we still married i don't know do you not ever think that you get this is the point i think we have if we would have had a bad point at the seven year and you do i did feel it at the seven years that was stressful thank you

i didn't but it might have been that pandemic we were in but fair enough maybe it was who knows i blame the seven years um but i think it kind of gets a bit nicer. You get into a groove, I think. Yeah, it's great. We're in a groove. We're in a groove. We're in a lifestyle. This is a life. Jesus, okay.

So you know how people send icks and then a couple of people send bizarre turn-ons? Mm-hmm. Would you stop drinking your drink on the podcast? I'm so thirsty today. Are you? Honestly, I'm clamming like... Bizarre turn-on for you.

Right, ready? Mm-hmm. Jesus, he's took another drink. What, you like the fucking drink, please? Shut up. I'm clamming like honestly bizarre turn on for you right ready Jesus he's took another drink what you like the fucking drink please shut up bizarre turn on

yeah a man frying eggs topless and not even flinching when it spits it's fucking brilliant it's disgusting and then they put yes please

I'll have a fried egg frying eggs topless and not even flinching when it spits awful I'm on board with that that's great what a legend do you think yeah what a legend great Yes please I'll have a fried egg Frying eggs topless And not even flinching When it spits Awful I'm on board with that That's great What a legend

Do you think Yeah what a legend Great I mean not if he's got a hairy chest I'm not having someone With a hairy fucking chest Doing me eggs like I'm not having it

No With little pube hairs falling in Oh no Have I not told you about When I go to a cuddle club On BJJ Sometimes there's just loads Of little manky hairs

All over the mat Oh chest hairs Everything hairs Oh pubies I don't know, pubies. I don't know about pubies, but depends how heavy everyone's been going. We're men, Rosie, we're men.

Men. Oh, Twitter, they've got to cut the nails and everything, man. It's disgusting. Speaking of BJJ, hello both. Rosie, I feel your pain being a jujitsu widow. I've just listened to episode 225 and how Chris wants to have a roll with his mate

whilst on holiday. They're not, by the way. We've had a lot of messages. She used the and how Chris wants to have a roll with his mate whilst on holiday they're not by the way we've had a lot of messages she used the correct lingo there have a roll well yeah yes it's not that much

there's not that much of it she listens to her well me and my husband got married last year in an old Elizabethan house in rural Wales sounds lovely he wanted to bring his gate and go and roll in the wood with his mates before the ceremony

absolutely fucking not oh run mate run a mile she doesn't love you He wanted to bring his gate and go and roll in the wood with his mates before the ceremony. Absolutely fucking not. Run, mate. Run a mile. She doesn't love you. On the wedding day. Seriously? Have a wank.

Just have a wank. Awful. She didn't let him. He didn't end up doing it and laughed it off as a joke. Clearly wasn't a joke until I took the piss out of him. Don't be rolling in the woods. What if you go over a little twig or something? That's awful.

Roll in the woods. Find a flat bit of, you know, a flat bit of well-tended grass. I've always thought a golf green would be quite good. Oh, yeah. When we go on holiday,

there's golf greens. No, you're not. You're not doing it on holiday. Oh, don't you take me gay. I do no gay as well. Don't worry. Oh, please don't. Oh, don't,

because it'll be so horrible. Don't, Chris. I don't, I think it's great that. I do get you a no-gi. Oh, don't, because it'll be so horrible. Don't, Chris. I think it's great that you've got a hobby. I think it's great that you go. But don't do it on holiday. Okay. Please. We'll see.

If there's a gym in France. No, because people will be like, what are they, what? God, they're having a fight. God, everybody, bring the police. And I'll be like, it's just me husband. Doonies.

I've told you, it'll be like 60% intense. It'll just be floor rolling. It'll just be positional. Don't, Chris. I know I'm like, I'm, I don't. Look, come on. Please don't. Listen, I'm joking.

I don't think I will. It'd be too hot. We'll do it in the shallow end of the pool. That'd be good. I don't. Don't. Why are you trying to take all my fun? All right, it's my holiday too.

It's my holiday too. That's right. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Me and my husband are huge fans of the podcast, although we live quite boring lives So we've never had the need to write in Until a story at work gave me the perfect opportunity

Wonderful This could be a Rosie's Mysteries by the way Let's do it So my new boss was telling me a story about her best friend And the strange happenings in her room Whilst she was at university in London Right, strange happenings Me, oh it was fucking housemates doing something.

Are we going down the ghost route? I can't be arsed with any ghost stuff today. It's not ghosts. Well, I know it's not because they're not real, but carry on. They could be real. They're not real, man. There'd be fucking millions of them everywhere.

Do you know how many people have died? Yeah. But only the nice ones stay or only the ones with unfinished business. I'm not getting into it. No, no, no, no, no. Come on, pause this now. Only the nice ones or the ones with unfinished business? I'm not getting into it. No, no, no, no, no. Come on, pause this now. Only the nice ones or the ones with unfinished business stay?

Just unfinished stuff. So the bad ones don't stay? Sometimes they do. Right, so, okay. Oh, Chris, listen. No, no, so it's gone from the nice to the unfinished business. So all of them stay? I don't know.

It would be like Glastonbury out there. The amount of people who've died. Yeah, but you walk through them. But... And they're in the sky. Fuck off. Stop it, right. Let's have a night about this London.

Right, ready. For weeks. Sorry. Can I just say as well, you really made me laugh today to the point of where uh it was the thing that you said it and i laughed at the time and then later on i was laughing again so we've got we've got people in doing the finishing touches to the kitchen uh and there was a guy he went he took the oven out and then he climbed into the hole so guys if you listen and if you've

got an oven that's fitted and it's basically you've got cupboard cupboard then your oven's just there do you know what I mean integrated oven integrated is that the word I'm looking for so he took the oven out and then he had to put something on the back

and he climbed in and there was a cavity up the back and I didn't realise there was a cavity up the back so at one point I'm talking to him

the next minute he's gone into the hole and all I can see in the hole of where there used to be an oven is just this guy's feet and I went fuck it

I don't know what's going on and you looked over and went Santa fuck it I don't know what's going on and you looked over and went Santa and it was well done it was really funny Santa

because he's just his boots were hanging he looked like Santa it was fantastic well done thanks anyway carry on with your shitty ghost story

wow how to be patronised by a comedian how was I patronised what the fuck oh right so I'm not allowed to say you were funny?

Do you want a little roll? Huh? Do you want a little roll? A little BJJ roll? You're joking, aren't you? You couldn't fucking hold a roll with me, you're joking. For weeks, while she was out at lectures or on nights out, her belongings kept on moving around when she returned.

And an odd top, her bedsheets, lamps, etc. Right. She spoke with her flatmates as she thought that they had been sneaking in and using her room while she was out, but they were adamant that they hadn't. Right. This continued on for another couple of weeks, so she thought,

right, I'm going to set up a ring camera to find out once and for all what is happening. So she set up the camera, and when she returned, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. What do you think she's found? So what, what had been moved?

Read me again there. What had been moved? A top, a bed sheet, lamps, etc. Lamps, moved,

lamps had moved or fell over. Dunno, doesn't say, doesn't specify. Fuck's sake. Um, an animal.

It's an animal. Okay. There's either a squirrel coming in or a bird coming in. Right. It's either a squirrel coming in or a bird right coming in right it's picking up the

oh how's a bird gonna pick up the bird she would have to be a fucking falcon is that your guess no cat someone's cat

it's coming in through a window okay I can tell you right now you're wrong oh for fuck's sake alright is it any kind of animal

no brilliant well well maybe right okay could call them animals

it turns out the three men were breaking into her room while she was out of animal? No. Brilliant. Well, maybe. Right. Okay. Could call them animals. It turns out that three men were breaking into her room while she was out and they were having sex on her bed. I've got a picture. Do you want to see?

Shut up. No, you haven't. She sent us a picture. From the ring camera. Fuck off. Yeah. No. Is this a wind up?

No, I'm not. This is a wind up. I'm not. Hang on. Is my face CGI'd onto some men or something? No, I promise you. Is this one of them jokes where you're going to a wind up I'm not hang on is my face CGI'd onto some men or something no I promise you

is this one of them jokes where you're gonna show us and it's gonna do a scary face no it's fully real before you show us so

she was at uni and while she was gone people she didn't know were breaking into her room and having sex and she got them on her ring camera three blokes

and you're about to show me a photo of three blokes having sex yeah I don't quite know where to put myself ready shut the fuck up man no

way oh that's fucking horrible oh look at his big white ass so violent because people are shagging him you don't know on your bed like that is where's the third one i think he's behind oh my god that is terrible i wonder why they were doing that we'll have to put that on instagram or something but we'll have to blur some bits out we'll just have to blur some bits out oh i'm not putting that on my instagram no i'll put it on mine i hardly post anything oh no because i've got like don't i've got deals with pampers and that exactly i'm sorry i'm'm sorry guys we can't put that anyway that's so okay i'll tell you what i'll picture the scene we've got a headboard in the middle of the picture we've got a guy um looks like he's sucking one man's fingers

but i don't know where i mean one of them is extremely naked and the other two seem really fully fully dressed and the other one is fully naked. And they are... Not skinny. No, no. It's a very small bed. I mean... It's proper student accommodation. Yeah. I mean, that is one of...

He looks like he's on the phone. Is he on the phone? Dare I say it, that's one of the worst photos I've ever seen in my life. The other one is in full black gear with his head. That might be gimp,

like bondage gear. They might be in some kind of gimp thing yeah that is uh so there you have it i am so sorry that we can't show you all that photo i'm so so sorry i feel like that's on my desktop somewhere and i'm gonna have to well see what it was called and search it again see what they say i'll get i'll get rid of it for you after this because you know you're gonna let rave or someone play i know i mean you can barely see what's happening no you know but there you go i mean to to let Rafe or someone play on it. I know. I mean, you can barely see what's happening. No. You know.

But there you go. I mean, to be fair, we could show Robin that and I could explain to him that it was jiu-jitsu and he probably would believe it from what I've told him. Yeah. Says at the end there,

please keep me anonymous. I really like my new job. Yeah, that's, I'm so sorry that happened to you. And what did you do? Well, I don't know because it was just a mate, wasn't it, from work.

It was the boss's friend. But what would you, how would you, you would have to call the police. I mean, I'd it was just her mate, wasn't it, from work. It was the boss's friend. But what would you, how would you, you would have to call the police. I mean, I'd put a big sign up, stop shagging in my room. I've got no idea why. How did they know when she'd left? I don't know, Chris. It sounds very.

So strange. Do you know what's weird? Because my first thing was, is this real? So weird. I, that. Yeah, it's 100% real. Stuff like that does happen, doesn't it? I do.

I've got no, there is, there is no, well, I've seen the photo I do I've got no there is there's no part well I've seen the photo I know it's real but there's no part of my brain that thinks that's fake but that is fucked up I'd be so I'd rather be burgled

dirty fucking horrors no get it there's literally hotels where you can do this there's literally places I'd be seething like

nonny's got it I know why have they picked it what a what an unlucky thing to be picked for. I wonder if that's the thrill of it. Yeah, let's all break in and do this. They'll probably do it in loads of different places. And that's the thrill factor.

They've probably been doing it for years. Aren't people disgusting? Probably been having them three, probably been threesome for years and they've gone, it's getting a bit boring now, isn't it? You suck me off, I suck you off. Finger up the arse. What else are we going to do? Let's break into teenagers' rooms isn't it you suck me off I suck you off finger up the arse what else we're going

to do let's break into teenagers rooms does it not give it away when the three of them are walking on the way to the place and one of

them's in full gimp gear yeah who knows I mean you must put that on in the room let's be honest I think her housemates were letting them in

do you no I think the housemate was one of the housemates was charging saying yeah slip us 50 quid

and I let you in this room. I'm telling you. Probably, yeah. Yeah, 100%. Shit. 100%. Why did your brain not go to that where you think every plumber

who knocks on the door is going to murder you but your brain didn't go to someone's renting a room out? Yeah, I don't know. Don't know. But you're totally right. Totally right.

God, I love being right. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Dear Rosie and Chris, long time listener, first on email. Hello! I'm same age as you guys and have two young children, five and three. So relate to a lot of your content. But no more than Rosie's recent holiday trip and the rogue poo in the pool story. There we are.

Last year with my husband and two children, we went on holiday with another family of four to Turkey. We got a good deal with it being end of travel restrictions and Turkey being a red country. And then in brackets it's put, what the fuck did we live through? Remember that? Red, amber, green. Jesus Christ.

I just love that though. So at the time, at the time, that phrase is essentially, we got a good deal because we'd been locked in our houses for ages and that was the most dangerous place to go. Sad. I hate being reminded of it. Or talking about it with the girls.

Do you ever have one of them days where you have to mention weirdly a lot of things you get asked all fall within that period of time? And you have to go, oh, it was during the lockdown this, during the lockdown that. Yesterday, I spoke to four different people and it came up in conversation. I like fucking hell this is really making me uneasy yeah it's horrible awful red the hell did we live through i know it was april so the pools

were still cold except for the lovely huge heated pool most families sat around got you the first day congregating loads of them congregate now that's what they want coughing on each other that's on brand for the time the first day the kids were loving life jumping in and out the pool when the dad of the other family we were with spotted something in the pool cue lots of

is it? no it can't be where did it come from? after all this I went to tell a lifeguard and the pool was closed me there's a red tape shut the pool off

and an army of staff turned up right in front of our beds with nets buckets and bottles of chlorine we then get a text on the concierge whats group, I know, fancy, saying the pool will be closed for four hours.

Now, I said what Rosie did in episode 224. No way a child could have done that big. I checked all the kids with us, no signs of kegs full of caca. To my husband's horror, I then went our podcast I know it is. I'd forgot about cakes full of caca To my husband's horror I then went round the pool telling anyone that would listen I know it's in front of our beds but it's not our kids I've checked them all

Oh you'd be gutted wouldn't you Because it was right in front of their beds The pool eventually reopened and normality resumed. The next day another load appeared at the bottom of the pool. Not far from us, yeah. What a coincidence. Two days on the trot and near us, but no signs of where

it came from. It was cleaned up and the pool closed for only two hours this time. A young couple we chatted with joked, not you loud clothes in the pool again. My little girl had asked to go to the toilet just before it was noticed and my little boy was in swim nappy so again I was adamant it wasn't

us and told anyone that cared. Oh god. A couple of days went by What's coming here? A couple of days went by we visited the local theme park, enjoyed the day beds on the beach, no pool closures. We returned poolside the next day and we were enjoying swimming when I noticed it. No. No way.

It can't be twice as a coincidence but third time alarm bells were ringing how the hell had it happened again i quickly weighed up who had been in the pool and all the signs pointed to my little girl then i noticed her bikini bottoms weren't as tight as you'd think. And I realised I'd become that rose-tinted mam I said I'd never be. No, not my daughter. She would have told me. But it bloody was her. Devastating.

So it was the daughter, right? So they went away. They're at the pool twice going, it wasn't us, it wasn't us. Some dirty sods around here. By the way, just letting everyone know it's not us. They have a date at the beach. Thou doth protest too much. They have a day at the beach. Now don't protest too much.

They have a day at the beach. No shit. They are back and there's a shit. No way were we shut in the pool a third time. Mortified, I didn't even tell the other family we were with. I whispered to my husband what had happened. Gave him a pair of the kids goggles and a paper cuff.

Fuck off. Fuck off. No. No. Scuba steam. Scuba steam. the kids goggles and a paper cuff fuck off fuck off no no oh scuba steve scuba steve scuba steve scuba steve

it's off it's off big daddy what I don't get it scuba steve just a scuba diver name I couldn't think of

sorry I don't know any professional scuba divers you said it three times like it was some sort of joke yeah it was a joke I'm a comedian alright great great I took my daughter back to the room for time out put a little little shit He said it three times like it was some sort of joke. Yeah, it was a joke. I'm a comedian. All right, great, great.

I took my daughter back to the room for time out. Put a little shit on the sand. Sandy the shit ass. She was three at the time and obviously didn't go quietly. It took all my mum's strength

not to bollock her there and then for shitting in the pool and lying to our faces about it. Oh my God. I couldn't believe she'd pulled the wool over our eyes at three. God help us

when she's a teenager. That is... Just to stand there and go, wasn't us. By the way, wasn't us. So I want to know how he got that shit into a cup. I don't know. Under the water. I don't know.

I want to know how he got it out. What if you come up with a polystyrene cup with shit in it or a paper cup with shit in it, put it on the side and then go to the toilet and someone walks past and slucks in the cup? It's a risk you've got to take, isn't it? Unless you want the pool closed again. But it should have been closed

because people can get really ill off other people's shit. I'm devastated for her. I honestly thought it was the husband. Halfway through there, but you said little girl. I was like, it's the husband. He's been knocking up big shits in the pool.

Laughing his head off. Thinks it's hilarious. Do you think Robin would have told us when he was three if he was shitting in the pool? I don't know. No. I don't know. It's a really deep question.

Yeah. Speaking of shitting and kids. Great. When are we potty training? When are you potty training? Don't know. It's up to you. Whenever you want to sort it out, get it on.

Wow. Yeah. Just, you know, let us know. Just let us know when to's up to you. Whenever you want to sort it out, get it on. Wow. Yeah. Just, just, you know, let us know. Just let us know when to throw the nappies out and I'll throw them out.

I'll do that, but I'll throw the nappies out. You do the rest. Okay. We did a sad thing the other day and I don't do this very often because I'm very much kind of like happy for the years to go by.

But, I said to you the other day, didn't I? Once we potty train Ruth, there's going to be no more nappies in this house. Yeah, you said it was a bad thing. I'll be fucking buzzing. Oh, I know, but I, I train Ruth there's going to be no more nappies in this house yeah you said it like it was a bad thing I'll be fucking buzzing oh I know but

I know every time I throw one of these nappies away I think how many of these have I thrown away where are these going just landfill somewhere oh I know don't

oh god but they were all going to be like the lasts all the lasts now did I tell you once that Kate did I tell you Kate did my Kate

sister Kate did Terry Towlin nappies for a little while. When the kids were little. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to do... Didn't last very long.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know anyone who does that. I don't know anyone who sticks with that. No. Yeah. But we probably should if you're worried about climate change. Yeah, no, I am. But at the same time, fucking hell, pick your battles.

I've got an electric car. I recycle. Got solar panels. Has Landville got stuff to do with climate change? Well, probably. It's just bad. It's just shitting all over the planet is essentially what we're doing.

I feel like it's not us though. It's 100% humans. No, of course it's humans. But I feel like it's not just the average Joe on the street. Well, it is the average Joe because there's 8 fucking billion average Joes on the street. Yes, I know. But surely it's the

I heard somewhere that it was like the 10% of the biggest companies in the world that are

causing most of it also most of the shit in the oceans is from countries where they don't

have special they don't have waste management like we have there you go so you know you can't

blame yourself I don't blame myself I just get annoyed about it I blame our son for pissing every two seconds. Nappies galore.

Be done soon. Just shit in pools like everyone else. Saves a nappy. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Rosie and Chris. This story is from about two and a half years ago and concerns this lad I was talking to on and off for about five months.

Okay. We'd arranged to have a sleepover at mine while my parents were away so we could bonk. Bonk. I love bonk. Fantastic. Bonk is brilliant. It's a nice word, isn't it?

Love bonk. Getting down to sexy time in brackets protected off? Uh. OFC? Is that off course? I think it's off course.

Yeah. Oh, I've never seen that before. I think it means like obviously. Protected obviously. Off. Is that a modern thing? Must be off course. Yeah. I've never seen that before. I think it means like obviously, protected obviously. Ofk. Is that a modern thing? Must be ofk. Of course.

It must be. Appraviate everything now, don't they? They're bloody kids these days, I see. They're that busy bonking, they can't finish a bloody word. Do you know that?

It's political correctness gone mad. Ofk. I thought I knew them all, but I've never seen ofk. It's upsetting, isn't it? Ofk. Well, I knew them all, but I've never seen Ofk. So upset you had it, Ofk. Well, I might have to message one of my younger cousins just to be like,

hey, you having a nice holiday? Ofk you are. Yeah? Oh, God. And they'll go, and if they're saying... Bonk yet? OFC,

internet slang, text messaging, abbreviation of Of Course. There you go and if you've just tuned in this is the oldest people on earth

googling what kids say welcome to the show it's probably on probably on radio 4 or something sad times sad times right

he finished and naively popped the condom in the very full downstairs kitchen bin dirty sod getting out the kitchen bin thinking nothing of it

don't you what the kitchen where people eat't you, you, what, what, the kitchen, where, where people eat? Where people eat? He's obviously off, he's not thought anything of it. Stop it, you're using it in the wrong place. Hiding it behind whatever was sitting on top. Dirty, horrible. It'd be fine, I thought. I'd sort

it out before anyone could see it. Oh, she's, oh, she's put it in. I naively popped. Oh, she put it in. Right. Or he, apologies, I don't actually know what sex this person is. Right. The next day, my niece, or she's put it in I naively popped oh she put it in right or he apologies I don't actually know what sex this person is right

the next day my niece who was about three at the time sister and grandma were around and were heading off to go home

when my sister realised she couldn't find her car keys oh piss off I was immediately going to go I was going to go on the defensive

of I don't think it should have been put in the kitchen bin but if someone's kid first thing was someone's kid went through the bin well fucking their fault

you know what I mean hope they choked on it was me I'm sorry but that's extremely unfortunate so they started so I'm going to fill

in the gap here they started going through the bin thinking they'd been put in the bin yes oh god that's so

my niece being a little nightmare for hiding stuff at the time was the number one culprit. We looked everywhere and couldn't find these keys. I had to head off to work and when I got back from my break, I had a string of messages

off my sister informing me that they had checked through the bin for the keys, thinking my niece had put them in there. The very full condom had plopped out of the bin

and landed on... Niece's foot. My grandma's shoe. Spilling all over it. Oh, no, they haven't even tied it up. No. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.

I was mortified. I couldn't look at my grandma in the eye the next time I went round to hers for tea. Hey, grandma, don't you step on my spunky shoes, honey. To make matters worse, on the night the lad who had already finished once insisted on going again and when I was unable to do it with my manual methods, he took himself off to the bathroom. Which is, what the fuck is this? So hold on, so they had sex the next day and he and she

couldn't finish him off yeah so what did he do jump in the car went straight to our nana's house and just spunk right cut out the middle man cut out the middle man open wide nana she enjoyed it so much yesterday that is honestly if i'm a nana one day and that happens to me I will be mortified your grand yeah grandkids spunky condom falling on your shoe honestly

I mean you know I'm a you know I'm a stubborn very angry man as a grander if that happens to me I honestly feel like I'll burn the house down

yeah I feel like everyone out I'm setting this house on fire imagine it happening to your mam my mam oh god I think she'd chop my foot off there'd be a lot of washing going I feel like everyone out, I'm setting this house on fire. Imagine it happening to your mam. My mam. Oh, God.

I think she'd chop her foot off. There'd be a lot of washing going on. She wouldn't wear the shoes again. No, no, no. The shoes would be gone. They'd be gone. Shoes would be gone. Even if they're wiped clean. I think my mam would probably guzzle it like...

Oh, that's not... Waste not, what not! No, she'd say something stupid like, I've read in a magazine that's actually really good for your gut. No, she'd have it on her under eyes. Gets rid of your crow's feet. Oh, Sandra, we love you. Or she'd probably say something like,

well, at least they're using condoms. She probably would. She always looks on the bright side. So the next night, let's finish this story. Yeah, so, right, okay. So he took himself off to the bathroom, which is right next to my room, to finish himself off, as he had driven an hour to get to mine and had to have a drink to

stay over and it all felt very awkward oh don't be doing that ew why are you going and whacking yourself off in the toilet who are these people what happens now it's all different i think i just feel like no one's got any do you know what it is again i don't know what off meant yeah honestly i feel like no one's got any manners anymore i think no one's got any humility not manners humility yes i would be too embarrassed to go oh fucking hell how am i love put it you know like that classic line of extras put a bit of fanny around it couldn't do it brilliant line so i'm just gonna by the way i'm just gonna go what happened your nana's foot hilarious let's go next door have a wank might do it in your

mom's toothpaste like it's horrible isn't it what who's this fella I don't know but actually there is we're not it's not a new thing there is arseholes there is arseholes in the world who would have done this don't you think gee whiz but yeah you've never been interrupted I mean all through your growing up when you're younger you get interrupted when you're a teenager

trying to have a little wank in the house you get interrupted so you know you sometimes what do they call it blue balls sometimes I learnt that on Wolf of Wall Street the other night blue balls

that's what he said like just wait till the morning or go again later or go home and have a oh I drove an hour I need a jizz fuck what are you some kind of

fucking jizz reservoir that needs to be emptied to all of the young ladies who are with guys who might be doing this turn the fuck off yeah I'd be like

absolutely not. You don't need to come, you minger. It is a bit like, I didn't come, I need to go next door and have a... It's porn. It's porn, Chris. It's porn. It's always porn. This new age of porn and sex is so different now.

Like, it's just... Sorry, did you just sing it's porn to the tune of that kid saying it's corn? Apologise for that right now. Why? What an innocent, beautiful to the tune of that kid saying it's corn apologise for that right now why what an innocent beautiful video that is about that kid getting excited about corn and you've just said

apologise apologise for everyone no because next time Robin wants to sing it I'm going to go Robin it's not that it's porn oh no

porn's ruined so much stuff Monday porn is disgusting oh yeah yeah yeah and young kids watch it and think that's how you have sex guys if you're listening and you are young that is not how you have sex

I promise you and if and if Rosie no one youngs listen to this we didn't know what off no they do loads of young people listen to this if if lads want to have sex with you rough and horrible tell them to go shove their ass up the up the fucking oh sorry sorry sorry biology biology lesson biology lesson shove their ass up or what i'm doing that shove their ass up on a fence don't be having horrible rough sex because it's not nice

unless you're both up for it it's all consent innit well yes but it's not the norm it's not the norm no and you shouldn't feel pressure you shouldn't ever feel pressure

into it because sex should be nice and gentle and lovely and romantic and that's how it should be not

you know making your eyes water with blowjobs and shit that really upsets us a day later's how it should be not not you know making your eyes water with blowjobs and shit I just that really upsets us a day later the spunk should be er

ceremoniously dumped onto a grandma's shoe you obviously that's how babies are made god if it drops onto the grandma's shoe if it stays

if it pools if it pools on the no no if it pools on the grandma's moccasin it'll be a boy if it runs off

onto the lino of the kitchen congratulations it's a girl that's how they do it and then if you get your necklace out and you spin it round

it spins clockwise clockwise yeah it's twins of course it is there we go there we go glad we saw

fucking hell man babadoo babadoo babadoo bah you've been listening to Shagmar and Annoyed with me Rosie Ramsey and him Chris Ramsey which is part of the

Acast Creator Network why did I change it why did you change it you changed everything up I'm so sorry thank you so much for listening thank you for listening Shagmar and Annoyed

yeah there we go I'm not going to sleep tonight honestly but thanks everyone what an embarrassment what a genuine embarrassment I need a wee can you hurry up

okay sorry sorry you're not the one who's been drinking gallons of water it's me is that why you didn't want me to drink. I need a wee. Can you hurry up? Okay, sorry. Sorry. You're not the one who's been drinking gallons of water. It's me. Is that why you didn't want me to drink? Because you needed a wee. I do. I've needed a wee for ages.

How much do you need a wee? Right, okay. Bye, everyone. Thanks for listening. See you later. Bye. Join again. Touch of Chagmire annoyed at gmail.com.

Fucking hell, she's just leaving the room. She's gone. Bye. Well, I'm glad she's gone. Welcome to the BJJ Hour with Chris Ramsey. Now, gee or no gee, it doesn't... Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night

on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.