Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 229. No Capping

Episode Date: August 4, 2023

On the podcast this week Chris has a quiz for Rosie to check how down with the kids she is! There's also some beef but only from Chris as Rosie has been off gallivanting again. There is a couple of car based QFTP's and an ex ick. All of this plus some a Carl Hutchinson on tour story! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey. Me has been crazy weenie. Hello, hello. We've been sitting in the studioannoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey. Me has been crazy, me, me. Hello, hello. We've been sitting in the studio for about... Oh, you don't sound very happy. Eh?

You don't sound very happy. I'm a bit tired. Oh, my goodness. Do you know what it is? One day getting up with a bane and it's like the world has ended. I had them all weekend while you were off gallivanting. You didn't, though. Didn't, though, did you?

Well, Sandra may have took them for one measly night out of the two. I was only away two nights. Well, still. Yeah, one night, Chris. I was only away two nights. Well, still. Yeah, one night, Chris. One night when I was away. Honestly, right? You're pathetic. I had them Friday night, and then they got us up five o'clock Saturday morning,

and I went to the pub with my friends on Saturday night, and I had about four beers, and I couldn't speak. You're really not good with lack of sleep. I'm terrible with lack of sleep. They were like, are you okay? And I was like, and I sat there drinking waters until we went for a curry. You should plan it better because

I could have got up this morning. If you got up yesterday, I would have got up today and the podcast day because I deal with it better. So I didn't plan that well at all. It's alright. This is real life. This is the highs and lows. I don't sound very chirpy. I might be chirpy. The main reason I'm not very chirpy is because I've been sitting in the studio

like I was trying to say before so rudely interrupted. Sorry. Like one of those people who randomly tells you you look like shit for no reason. Love those guys. That's what you just did,

by the way. Oh, I hate those guys, by the way. You look tired. Thank you very much. Oh, dickhead. So nice to bump into you. Why do these people... How do they get away with it?

How do they live their life? Someone needs to punch them in the face. You just did it with me, with my voice, but we've been sitting here for about 20 minutes now. I feel like I'm, sorry.

You're my what? We've been sitting here for about 20 minutes now and you've been munching on Apple like a fucking horse into the mic while I've had my headphones on

and you've been sitting watching sad videos crying your eyes out but then, and I've been ready, but then the minute you're ready, it's like, right, right, right, we've been ready but then the minute you're ready it's like right right right we've got to do this now i'm ready i've stopped watching my videos

i've stopped because you were giving me so much pressure to be ready i don't want to fight with you right well what's the point in this podcast then this is literally an audio fight that's what we have or what you did you started there you got warmed up for the podcast by watching that incredible video of the man who rescued all those children during the war. I never actually watched it with sound on before. Brilliant. I've seen it loads. The sound's key.

The sound is the key. Otherwise, it's just loads of people standing up. It's really powerful. Yeah, they all stand up around him. It's amazing. Absolutely incredible. You sat literally tears rolling down your face and I'm like, great.

Ready for the comedy podcast, love. Do you think that's come on because we started watching All Quiet on the Western Front on Netflix last night. That helped me anxiety, by the way. Oh, I knew. Oh, do you know what it is? Big time. I knew that's why you wanted to turn it off. You are... No.

No, sorry, no, no. I'm not being sarcastic. It helped. Oh, did it? Yeah, because I'm like, look at me, sitting worrying about fucking shit and these poor blokes had to go and live in a trench and just go to war. Oh, fair enough. Yeah, I was like, oh my god, we're living the best time ever. I was buzzing. You didn't handle it very well.

Of course I did. I knew I was getting up with shithead this morning so I had to get to bed. Do you know what it is? I do feel for you and people with anxiety. Yeah.

I get it. My friend Steph suffers quite badly from anxiety. Steph's worse than me which makes me feel good. I don't know. He's a pretty level pagan. Nah, nah, nah, nah.

But it was just funny because we flew, we went to London at the weekend to see a friend's house and we flew there. Gallivanting again. Gallivanting. Nah, nah, nah, nah. But it was just funny because we flew. We went to London at the weekend to stay at a friend's house. And we flew there. Gallivanting again. Gallivanting. Flew there, right?

And we're on the way back and there was something wrong but there was a technical thing. They were like, we're going to have to get pushed on the runway. Honestly, Steph was just like beside herself, right?

And I was like, is there anything that you're not anxious about? I'm fully, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Pardon the pun but I'm fully on board with Steph on this one

if I'm on a plane and it's sitting and they're sitting and we're on the runway and we haven't taken off yet and you go why haven't we taken off and this captain comes on

and goes we've got a problem with the engine so we've got to be pushed onto the runway we can't actually problem with the engine sorry

did I just hear problem with the engine get me off this fucking plane okay then do what I said to her it seemed to help I mean she might have been pissed off she didn't say

I'll tell you right now exactly what you said this is what people say all the time what you can't get off now so it doesn't it's pointless worrying about it because if you're dead you're dead

is that what you said no oh okay sort of but I said I said to her I went I know you're really worried about it

but you haven't got up and got off right so you can't be that worried about it okay fair that's a fair point and she kind of went a bit shitty but yeah no I don't got up and got off. Right. So, you can't be that worried about it. Okay. That's a fair point. And she kind of went,

a bit shitty, but yeah. No, because I said, I was like, if you are that terrified about it and you're that worried about it, really, you would have got up and got off

and you haven't. You're still here. So, you're going to be fine. I held her hand. I did actually comfort her. She wasn't that bad. She wasn't that bad,

but just you, it's like you, if there's anything to be scared about or worried about you will be worried about that thing and then i just need you to tell me it's all right and then it's okay that's your job i don't know i'm in a way i'm just very glad that i don't i'm not anxious emma i know not really just about some stuff just about when like if a plumber turns up and you think he's gonna murder you because you've been listening to a podcast i mean that happens all the time by the way have you seen the study that says listening to relaxing uh by watching or listening to true crime is a major red flag in someone's personality

oh yeah yeah major red flag i mean people are literally coming out now and going if you are like dating and you're speaking to someone new when you're getting to know them and you go oh what do you do when they go off to relax i love listening to true crime you're supposed to just fuck them off you're literally supposed to not go out why because it's a major red flag what because i'm an empath no because you're fucking weird i'm an empath i listen to it and i empathize with it and i find it and you let it bleed into your life and literally a man comes to the door with a spanner in his hand and you're like that's it it's oh it's the spanner murderer of the northeast he's going to come door with a spanner in his hand and you're like that's it it's the spanner murderer of the North East

he's going to come and span on your head in my defence not all of mine are about murderers I genuinely think it's because I'm an empath I do

I think it's and maybe right maybe low key through my life there has been some weirdly traumatic things maybe I just thrive on trauma I think you're anxious

because you haven't had enough trauma alright I that'll be it why do you think I sometimes like sprinkle me kids lives with a little bit of

you know angst I tell you what speaking of people worried about planes and stuff and flying I used to be really

really bad with turbulence whenever we hit turbulence I used to like absolutely shit myself grabbing onto the trip making a right scene on the plane right you know what helped us

you're not that bad well do you know what helped us what the crown why on the crown Prince Philip takes You know what helped us? You're a load better. You're not that bad. Well, do you know what helped us? What? The crown. Why? On the crown,

Prince Philip takes Prince Charles flying in his plane. When he's young, he must be about 14 or something and they're hitting turbulence and Prince Charles is absolutely papping himself and what's his name?

The guy, that mint actor with the dimples and his cheeks. He plays the Tobias Menzies. I love him. He literally goes,

it's just air. It's air, you idiot. It's just air. And it's keeping me head now. Whenever we hit turbulence, he literally goes it's just air it's air you idiot it's just air and I keep it in my head now whenever we hit turbines I go it's just air it's just air he's going it's air you idiot

it's just air what does that mean it's air it's hitting air like air like what you're breathing it's air it's just difference

it changes in the air pressure and it just makes the plane slightly it's like basically it's like speed bumps in the sky no it's like yeah but it just helps. It's air, you idiot.

I just think of him by his men's eyes screaming in my face. It's just air, you idiot. Listen, I'm not trying to say, I'm not trying to say, it is a terrifying thing. You think you're hard as fuck.

You think you are harder than 35,000 feet to air fall to your death. That's how arrogant you are. I don't, I guess, do you know what, do you know what really helps me with being,

I'm really fucking lazy. Yeah. It's all to do with laziness because I just't, I guess, do you know what really helps me? Yeah. With being, I'm really fucking lazy. Yeah. It's all to do with laziness. You wouldn't get enough houses on fire. Because I just go, I can't, I couldn't be arsed to move. And so, kind of like on that plane, I think, well, I'm here now. If it happens, it happens. I always just think that.

I really think that about death. I'm just a bit like, well, you know what I mean? One of my mates went to America and was sat on the plane. And I was like, you're not getting worried about flying anymore. Once the doors shut, I'm going to take off yeah what's the point what am i what am i worrying about to do and i was like that's what i try to do that kind of resolution don't waste your time worrying about it because you know i mean tell us that at four o'clock in the morning when i'm thinking about oh yeah actually you are you were yeah you wake up

really early worrying about shit it's the kids i never used to yeah nothing about me no i never i don't i don't sit up lie awake worrying about stuff about me it's always about the kids I never used to nothing about me I don't sit up lying awake worrying about stuff about me it's always about the kids or you or someone else

empath see I take on everyone else's worries don't worry about me dying in a plane crash but I worry you know

if my kids haven't had enough broccoli for the day right okay the old 4 o'clock 4am broccoli sweats exactly broccoli listen it's episode 229 thank you so much for coming the old 4am broccoli sweats exactly broccoli

listen it's episode 229 thank you so much for coming thank you for being here thank you for listening whether you're at home whether you're on holiday whether you're walking the dog whatever you're doing while you're listening to this thank you so so much we really do appreciate it in this time without further ado for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is

summer holiday seven year olds they're bored as fuck but they won't go anywhere summer holiday seven-year-olds oh no he's not but robin has really found his groove with lego yeah i had to fucking move i had to move all lego in the house to one room yesterday which is now called the lego room and that's where he lives now and uh i was in the shower and i heard screaming this morning and rafe had made his way into the lego room and that's where he lives now and uh i was in the shower and i heard screaming this morning and rave had made his way into the lego room and started pulling stuff apart and robin was going ballistic uh robin literally threw him down the stairs um so that was fun

robin has started carrying rave down the stairs which is terrifying hard to watch ah yeah horrible absolutely horrible but yeah uh big shout out all the parents out there uh trying to ebb away at the summer holidays. Listen, I don't think it's been that bad so far. It's been all right. It's been okay, Chris. We've had little bits and pieces. All you need to do is just a little couple of different things. Don't have to be expensive things.

I just want to see other kids. Our kids just like seeing other kids. That's all I want to do. I just want to see other kids. So big shout out to the parents. We're nearly halfway through the summer holidays. You're doing well. Do you know in America I get 10 weeks summer holidays absolute fucking lunacy but get in the bed the only

thing i can say about that is like when the weather's nice it's so much easier oh yeah this weather this weather yeah we've got the rain this can happen again we've had what early summer we'll get a little june july hey they need to change the holidays yeah you need to change the dates getting silly now the minute they change the middle the weather will change the minute they change them so there we go and once again big shout out to the parents who think you don't get

enough time off for the kids and you miss them at the end go fuck yourselves you're a lunatic what do you mean well I've told you before when I dropped the kids off after the summer holiday

and someone went I'm going to miss them I went fucking shut up man oh yeah shut up man you'll see them at 3 o'clock you dick

I know who's listening who are you saying that for who's listening and mocking your parenting pattern Oh, yeah. Shut up, man. You'll see them at three o'clock, you dick. I know. Trying to make me feel... Who's listening? Who are you saying that for? Who's listening and mocking your parent and pater? Eh? Do you know what I mean? I find that weird.

But then they'll have easy kids, man. To be fair... Some kids are near by that... Some kids do chores. Some kids actually clean up after themselves. Some kids don't do much. Yeah. Have you ever seen a kid when they're just like,

chill as fuck and they just sit there and you're like, have you drugged this kid? Because my kid will not sit still for 15 minutes. Robin doesn't stay still

for us to brush his teeth. No. I can't. Fidget. Do you know what I try? I go, I go, see if you can stay still.

I go, see if you can close your eyes, open your mouth and just stand still. Or with something tapping, humming, shouting, kicking, flicking

we don't have them kids we don't have them kids and do you know whose fault it is both of us but mainly you why me your no it's you they've got it from you

what all of this we've just been talking about how chill I am no you're not I saw that no it's both of us we're both we're both

it's a bit of both a bit of both hey look here hey I see you've got two and a half bits of apple left. Yeah. Let's play this little jingle. I'm going to. Get that apple scoffed in your face.

She's not called me Mrs. Ned. There we go. Did you mean Mr. Ed? The horse. But you said Mrs. Ned. Jesus. Honestly. Mrs. Ed.

Brilliant. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married and Always. So wonderful to have you here in our ears. GINGO! that wrong i'm just i'm just tripping up tripping up oh god drank too quick you okay you did in a

in a incredible turn of events you've now got the loudest water bottle on the earth and i've got a really quiet one it is yeah how you doing i'm all right i'm still i've perked up a little bit good a little bit of apple that was nice i've perked up a bit i'm just five o'clock man what's he doing man i know i whinge about loads like, me friends can't believe it. What do you mean? I say to me mates, I'm like, Ben's had us up at five.

They're like, what the fuck? I don't understand why he does it every morning. Oh, God. I don't know. We might need to knock his nap on the head,

but then he'll be horrible. I know. Babe, I don't know what to do. You can't work. He just gets up early. There's nothing else. Like, you know, there's nothing we can do. Putting him to bed later does nothing.

And at the same time, I don't want my kids hanging around until 9, 10 o'clock at night. I just, who are these people who have their kids just hanging around their neck? People who get a lie in. Oh, no, I'd rather get up early. I'd rather have my little hour and a half watching the telly on my own and then go to bed at 10 o'clock. Yeah.

What time was I in bed? Half nine last night I was in bed? Yeah. Still, not early enough. Not early enough. Listen, because we are the oldest people on earth, we are always tired, just a mess. We had a little moment the other day on the podcast

where someone wrote in one of the questions, they wrote, Ofk. Wasn't it? Ofk, of course. Oh, yes. And you couldn't even spot it. And that's quite old lingo.

Is it? Yeah, that's quite old. I use ofs. Oh, congratulations. Well done. Well done. Pick your heelies up outside on the way out. Fucking hell.

I use ofs. Heelies, I'm sorry. How dangerous are they? They're really cool though to be fair very cool why weren't they around why

is there so many things I look now and I go why has this generation got no one added I'm actually going to get Robinson for Christmas why did not have Heelys and hoverboards

why did not have Heelys and hoverboards why I don't know babe fucking bullshit they are pretty cool I didn't even have a go kart until

I remember there was a kid up the road right there was a kid up my street I had a go kart when I got a bit older no he just he had a go-kart until... I remember there was a kid up the road, right? There was a kid up my street. I had a go-kart when I got a bit older. No, he just... He had a go-kart that had a speedometer on it. So now and then,

you'd come across someone who had a go-kart with a speedometer on it and you could basically, like, go as fast as you could and see who would get the highest. Never let anyone have a turn of it. Oh, selfish breath. Never let anyone have a turn.

And all I wanted to do was have a turn and see how fast I could go on this go-kart. Did his mum and dad not make him give anyone a turn? I never saw his mum and dad. He was just one of them weird kids. Popped from down the cut. He might not have been real. I might have imagined him.

Genuinely. Genuinely might have imagined that kid. I remember, I can see him in my mind's eye now. Absolute fucking knob. Never let us have a turn. Hey, if you're listening, random kid who never let us have a turn on that. Come around and let us have a turn, man. Go Cots man right so

because we are the oldest people in the world you got the off wrong right guess what I've done what I've got a quiz for you ooh

haven't done you a quiz for a while I love a quiz I've got you a quiz what is it it's the Rosie Ramsey old slag

or young slag quiz right right no need for the word is it an abbreviation no need for the word slag or young slag quiz right right no need for the word is it an abbreviation no need for the word slag it's basically a quiz about

all of the lingo and things that all the cool kids are saying in 2023 oh no okay so it's a quiz I've got 10 questions here

I might be alright with this you know okay let's see I spend a lot of time online okay alright Mrs. Groomer careful

I can't stop bloody weirdo um 10 questions here different phrases different things that the kids are saying the cool kids are saying in 2023 i've got a pen and paper can i write them down you can absolutely write them phonetically yeah if you need to write them down you can um i was genuinely embarrassed by going on the websites to find these because i wrote a few that I knew myself and then I sort of had to beef it out to get 10 questions. And I was on a website that I imagine like worried parents go on where they've seen a text with some letters

and they've gone, what are kids saying today? Is it drugs? Is it sex? Is it drugs? Is it drug sex? They're the best. There is a caveat there, Rosie. What?

For every question you get wrong you age five years you will get every question you get wrong at the same time no no you just age five years you you will age five whole years for every question you get wrong okay yeah so you're 36 now closer than that closer to that sweet sweet grave so you could be by the end of this you could be 86 oh brilliant, brilliant. Okay. Me and my Nana, same age. There we are. You ready for this?

Yes. Okay. Play along at home. Question one. How do the kids say, I'm not lying? Oh, hang on. I thought you were just going to tell me the thing and I had to tell you what it is. No, a couple of them are that and a couple of them are the other way around.

I'm not lying. I'm not lying. E-N-L? Mm-mm. It's not an abbreviation. Oh. How do the kids say, i'm not lying i'm not lying anl it's not an abbreviation oh how do the how do the kids say i'm not lying skin cheese no i've got a funny feeling skin cheese is going to be your answer for most of these no lie no lie no lie no lie you think it's no lie that's what i'm going with okay i can reveal now ngl nope no it's not

i can reveal now you are now 41 years old right 41 years old it's no capping no capping no capping right yeah i'm gonna do terrible on this i'm writing this down no capping no cap you can go ask ellie yeah no capping i'm not lying no cap or cap that's cap no cap no capping. I'm not lying here. No capping. That's cap. No capping. Seriously? Yeah. I mean, something's a lie or false or fake or phony. I wish I'd watched Love Island this year. Exactly. How do the kids ask, how many people have you slept with?

Oh, what's your number, bro? Close, but no. Ooh, ooh. Do they not do that thing where you just hold your hand over their head and count until they put their hand over their mouth? do they not do that thing where you just hold your hand over the head and count

until they put their hand over their mouth that's what we used to do do you remember you hold your hand over your head do you remember that it's cool

you hold your hand over someone's head and you just count in your head and you'd be like 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 until they put their hand over their mouth

and you'd be like oh you slept with 56 people hey slag we used to just put a yellow flower underneath everyone's chin oh see if you kiss someone no see if you like butter put a yellow flower underneath everyone's chin see if you kiss

someone no see if you like butter put a buttercup under someone's chin can you see the yellow on your

chin ah you like butter yeah everyone likes butter fucking stupidest game ever yeah we all like butter

you prick we just had it got a sandwich got a sandwich of butter on unless it was a bit cloudy it didn't usually go yellow, did it?

It was more the sun reflecting. I don't know. Anyway. Rosie, I don't think you were scientifically sound. Okay. What was the question? How do they say, how many people have you slept with? No.

Two's up, but a cup. No. No, come on, tell us. What's your body count? Body count. You should have known that. Isn't that for killing people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is is but they've changed it they can do this they're the cool kids they do what they want shit the bed you're now 46 years old all right so i've got that one wrong that one

what's your body count that's like how many people are you killed yeah yeah yeah yeah okay how would the kids say for instance these tacos are awesome. Awesome. We're looking for another word for awesome. Mint. No. Oh, God. Lush.

These tacos are awesome. Awesome. Topping. Very close. It ends in an I-N. Right. Okay, don't. Tripping.

No. Pipping. Kicking. Kicking. We could be here a while. No. I don't know, Chris. Bussing. These tacos are bussing. Shit, these are brand new. You're be here a while. No. I don't know, Chris. Bussin. These titles are Bussin.

Shit, these are brand new. You're now 51 years old. Where have I been? Bussin. 51 years old. Bussin. You'll be getting a bus pass shortly by the end of this. I will.

Free bus pass. Okay. I've never heard of that. What does, he has an abbreviation, write it down. What does IYKYK stand for? What's that IYKY-K-Y-K? If you know, you know. Boom!

Hey! 56 years old. What's up, buttercup? 56 years old. Congratulations. I know some of them. I told you. If I had drip, what do I have?

Chlamydia. Very good, but no. Drip. It's not an STD. If you're a drip, like bad crack. No. That's not an std if you are a drip like bad crack no that's that's that's what old that's what a 56 year old would say oh what it's like he's got drip oh is it a good thing oh he's got drip you're a big knob i've got no idea style Style. Drip is style. Oh, style, right.

Okay, that makes sense. You're 61 years old. Right. 61. Okay, easy one now. What does thinner mean? Thinner. Thinner.

Oh, it sounds like something off the Hunger Games. Thinner. Would you like us to use it in a sentence? Yes, please. To quote one of my, possibly the only good thing to come out with the pandemic. It was a rap song. Move, bitch.

You got coronavirus. Oh, shit. You got coronavirus. Yeah. I ain't finna do shit with this coronavirus. I ain't finna take a trip with this coronavirus. Going to. Mm, close.

I don't know. Fixing to. Fixing to. Fixing to. That one doesn't make any sense. You are, I think you're 66. Great. I think you're 66. That one doesn't make any sense. You are... I think you're 66. Great.

I think you're 66. Have I succumbed to Botox yet? Oh, yeah, you've had everything done. Yeah. Honestly, you're a car crash. It's disgusting to look at. Like saying someone's thrown an omelette in a fish tank. Right.

What does fit mean? Good looking. Nope. Oh, that's straight from the mouth of the 66-year-old is what that is. Did you shout that bingo hall of love, did you? Well, he's fit. No. Fit. Healthy, active. Nope.

Is it old school? Nope. Fit. Fit. What? They can't change. What is your fit? They can. They can and they will. They can and they will and they have. Is it how something fits you on your body? Close. Is it really tight? You know how... What is your fit?

You know, girls nowadays wear like crazy tight leggings. Is it that? Say what? That fucking breakfast? I don't know. Outfit. It's your outfit.

Right. Yeah. Nice fit, bro. Nice outfit. Right. They haven't got time to say out. They're busy. They're busy.

They can't say out. They can't say close. They've got to say fit. They've got to move on to something else. Busy robbing shops. You are now 71 that's

you're 71 years old okay if someone you'll never get this if someone is a heather what are they a heather heather has this got something

to do with the heathers are they a bully no oh was the heathers a TV show it was a film we know what I write up

but it's now a musical the heathers if someone is a heather what are they show. It was a film. We're not right up, but it's now a musical. The Heathers. If someone is a heather, what are they? I'm going to give you a clue. Think opposite of what you just said. Like lush. Like a fairy. Like a princess. I'll give you that.

Beautiful. It's beautiful. You're 71 years old. You're 71 years old. What is an op... Operation? Nope. Oh, God. you're 71 years old what is an op operation no oh god so embarrassing I'm trying to think

whether there's Nana Nana Grandma what's an op an op put it in a sentence that dude's my op

that dude's my op that dude's my op best friend nah drug dealer nah grander I don't

know what that dude's my grander that dude's that dude has to be grander opponent or

competitor what is this yeah sporting world yeah yeah yeah maybe yeah you are 76 years old

76 Chris I thought I would do better at this yeah yeah I might have done my maths wrong but I'm sure you're 76. Anyway,

final one. Yeah. When a relationship is more than friends but less than a couple, what is it? Fuck buddies. No.

That's so old and disgusting what you've just said there and it's offensive and it's un-woke and you should be ashamed of yourself. Right, so you're not friends but you're not a couple. No.

Dayton? I don't have what it is. Oh, Dayton! Oh, Cawton! Oh, Cawton! Holding hands after you've asked her dad if you can hold her hand! Have her back by eight!

Where are you going? To watch a picture? You're going to watch the moving pictures oh I don't know Chris obviously we all know it at home we all know it say it all together guys situationship you are 81 years old

I'm so proud congratulations there we go situationship what a load of fucking bollocks One years old. I'm so proud. Congratulations. There we go. Situationship. Situationship. What a load of fucking bollocks. I couldn't keep up with that. No, but, well, my Millie will know all these.

Oh, yeah, she'll be, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, 100%. But she doesn't listen to this, so it doesn't matter. So there we go. I'll ask her when I see her. I'll say, what's your situationship, Millie? Doesn't know. She is a heather. Yeah, but, look at you using all your new words

no capping yay thank you very much thank you very much I won't use any of them ever oh yeah no no

definitely not babadoo babadoo babadoo bam that's Rosie's new bottle there she doesn't know how to press record

that's fucking disgusting no how dare you that was for you that was a joke for you That's Rosie's new bottle there. She doesn't know I pressed record. That's fucking disgusting. How dare you? That was for you. That was a joke for you. How dare you slag my bottles off? That's much worse than any of mine. In my defence.

And you can't clean that properly, by the way. Look at the fucking bacteria in the top of that. In my defence, I don't use this bottle very often. I like to use glasses, but the new dishwasher

has made the glasses smell really funny and I can't drink out of them. Right. Okay. Okay, you're not a fan of the new dishwasher are you because it uh it gives it texts me when the dishes are finished you hate it don't you hate it i can turn it on i can turn it on when i'm out of the house not that i know like what's going on i don't know but i got i was out the other day and i got a little beep on my phone i was like that's a strange noise and it just said uh your dishes

are ready oh get a life get life. I sprinted home and quickly ate something off them. They're ready! Ridiculous. There's no need of that technology. It's great, man. Really great. Guess what? It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef?

Right. Ladies first? I don't have one. I actually, listen. Listen. I'm going to compliment you, right? I won't have it. No. I actually, listen. Listen. I'm going to compliment you, right? I won't have it. All right, then. No, go on then. No.

So our kids now are seven and two. And it's taken you this long, right, to actually be self-sufficient whenever I go anywhere. And this weekend, I went away with the girls. And you, yeah, but you, this is a compliment. And I'm really buzzing that you did this right. You made it nice when I left. You didn't moan.

You didn't kick off. There was no sort of like, you know, there was a bit of a thing because Robin smashed his iPad just before I left. But, you know, and when I was away, you just made it and I really appreciate it. So thank you. So that is a nice thing because I think it's healthy And when I was away, you just made it, and I really appreciate it. So thank you.

So that is a nice thing, because I think it's healthy to give praise where praise is due. And I was really appreciative, because in the past, Chris, in the past, you've not been great. Yeah. Sometimes. Don't like being left on your own with them. You don't like being left with the kids. Too hard. Too many of them. I'm outnumbered.

There's two of them. It's two to one. I know. It's not fair. But there's nothing worse than when you're going away and leaving your kids and your partner makes it awful and you just feel terrible. Well. Me included because sometimes I can be up a hike

when you've gone away. You can and you have in the past. We've both done it. Yeah, we've both done it. But I went, I haven't even talked about this. I went to the UFC last week. You did. With Carl Hutchinson, Galavan.

Full on cuddle club. Yeah. Took Carl down, cuddle club with striking. Took Carl down to the UFC never been for the first time went and watched Tom Aspinall smash his opponent in the first round

big shout out Tom and you were brilliant when I was away then yeah so well done both of us handshake handshake love you

handshake handshake just makes it more enjoyable I've still got a beef though oh go on then you wear big floppy sleeved

Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen blouses and they always go in your food. It's really annoying. Okay. This does annoy you, doesn't it?

I'm surprised you haven't done that before. I thought I'd done it and I just found it in my notes and I was like, how have I never... You've always got a big,

big, floppy, wavy fucking sleeve on. Chris, you know what? Because I don't like me arms. Right.

Well, you've got lovely arms, but why you've got you've like Jack Sparrow sleeves like hook like hanging off you

they make them like they make them like that and I don't know why I don't have a personal seamstress I don't own one top that's got a sleeve like that so I don't know what

you're talking about mind I tell you what that was lush you know when we did the TV show yeah the lady who was doing the seamstress

who came and did all the like fittings and that yeah she was just like we'll get some length off this sleeve we'll do that I was like

could you live in my house that was mad wasn't it so doesn't she live in someone's house we got told that we got told that some really rich families pay her

whatever they buy she makes it fit them perfectly yeah that would be amazing but now but then again do you not just like a baggy t-shirt now and then

I like a baggy t-shirt sometimes my body is not made for normal-sized things, because my arms are quite small. Right. And then everything... Sorry, it's not the fit of your clothes I'm having to go out here. It's the fact that you buy big, massive French Revolution interview with the vampire blouses.

The fashion. And you're flicking fucking beans all over the place when you're trying to reach for something yeah it does actually you reach for a drink and you flick stuff off flick rice off your plate

and that goes up your sleeve and then later on you walk around you're just dropping rice like Hansel and Gretel I spill something every time I eat yeah

why is that oh I've started dropping cups quite regularly yeah you do there's a thing on a morning but if it there's something to do

with the handles on cups like the little handles that come off a tea cup or a coffee cup. I'm always getting my finger caught in them. What are you on edge about? I don't know. Probably because I'm having the coffee. The coffee's maintenance is on edge. Is your second family giving you some drip, are they?

No, no. Secret family. You don't know the best one, them ones. Fucking walking apart, them guys. I've got a question. Do you know people who do have secret families? Yeah. Do you think they prefer one to the other?

to know people who do have secret families. Do you think they prefer one to the other? I... We can't prefer them like miles otherwise you would just leave one of them, wouldn't you? I don't know. Why have a secret family? I couldn't think of anything worse than two families.

Can you imagine? I'd rather die. Same. I'd rather live alone forever in a cave than have two families. Imagine that. That's only men who do it. Scumbags.

It's only men who do it. Women can't have two families. How can women have two families. Imagine that. That's only men who do it. Scumbags. Isn't it only men who do it? Women can't have two families. How can women have two families? Just... Oh, you're pregnant and I've just put on a bit of weight, love. Yeah, yeah. You can't have a secret family.

It's only men that do it. I've got a growth. I've got a growth. I'm going in to get it taken off. Yeah. No, there's no women who've got two secret families. No, it's men.

I bet you there's a woman somewhere in the world who's got two families. I bet it's happened. Well, which one can't have kids then? Well, I bet she has. I bet it's men i bet you there's a woman somewhere in the world who's got two families i bet you can't have kids then well i bet she has i bet it's happened some blokes man they don't know they don't know what's going on you can be pregnant they wouldn't know i bet you i mean yeah there's mainly men i'm trying to you know i'm trying i'm trying and failing to stick up for fellas here but yeah if you if you're listening you've two families, what the fuck's wrong with you? Mate, come on. Get a hobby.

Not all men. You're a good one. Well, that's what my other family says as well. Suckers. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at roy thompson hall for tickets visit tso.ca will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for cam age the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from may 27th to 31st people across canada will rise together and show those living

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That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. This Friday. It's time for Questions from the Public. Questions from the Public. Public. P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-public.

As always, if you would like to get in touch, please, please email shaggedmournanoid at gmail.com. That's electronic mail at shag... You don't want at gmail.com that's electronic mail at shaggedmoudenoid you know what I do if you haven't if you've been listening and you think I haven't

sent anything in yet send something in it'll be lovely you guys literally make this podcast we do appreciate it thank you Rosie

take it away I'm trying to pick I'm trying to pick a good one I can't don't know what to start with right you've got too many I've got loads I did loads of work yesterday

fantastic hi Chris and Rosie. Long time listener, first time emailer. No need to keep me anonymous, but I haven't actually copy and pasted the name. Well, we always do just in case. In case they've pissed someone else off. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's like, no need to keep me anonymous. My friend called such and such did this. Okay, well, that's not your story at all. Oh, yesterday I got a great, I read a really good email. It was about like an ick that a partner did and they were like um and then a month later it because they were like never had seen them again

the month later they were like please don't read this out we're actually trying to work it out i am currently on holiday in spain with my partner of 13 years and i'm a four-year-old son the hotel i booked is very child-friendly the swimming pool has a pirate ship dragon slides Sounds brilliant. Six? In the hotel? Yeah. Where are you? Let us know.

Yeah, bloody hell. Fantastic. Wonderful. My partner has now decided to go on these daily, in brackets, more than once. Fantastic. In an attempt to beat the other children. Wonderful. To make it worse, he slicks himself up in suntan cream and forces his body as straight as possible in an attempt to shoot down at record speed. Right. Honestly, I cannot bear it. He's doing it wrong.

And beating children. He's doing it wrong. He's a 36-year-old man, ultimate holiday ick. What do you mean he's doing it wrong? You've got to go heels and and shoulders You can slick yourself up As much as you want mate Heels and shoulders Heels and shoulders

Lift everything Apart from your shoulder blades And your heels Off the slide And you go faster And it's just Two points of contact And it's just

You're like a little roller blade Wow Greasing himself up What a fucking amateur Honestly How embarrassing Do you know Anyone who's been

To centre parks At Winfell Yeah The water slide Have you been on that Yes The one that's just honestly how embarrassing do you know anyone who's been to centre parks at Winfell yeah the water slide have you been on that yes the one that's just massive

it's horrendous yeah yeah I thought I was going to die if which one we're talking about the one that goes

from pool to pool it goes around the outside goes around the outside oh yeah yeah yeah it goes around the outside and then the end of it

it drowns you yeah I got lungs full of water oh god yeah I only went on it once I was like this is not for me

this guy can you not remember the last time we went on holiday I think we went with your mum and dad your mum and dad and your mum

and Robin and he's a bit littler went to Spain I think and I went to a water park and it was the one where we had a lot of issue because they wouldn't let you wear where it was the one where we had we had a load of issue because they wouldn't let we were they wouldn't let you wear your sunglasses in the pool

unless you had them things on that like a that you had to buy there yeah the thing around your neck but i remember going up the it was the four in a row water slide it was my being six in a row and you had little mats that you went down on little handles yeah and the key of them you sort of put them you almost put them in like the big sort of i'm gonna sound like a dick here you know the this pugil sticks on gladiators where it looked like a big cotton bud well sometimes it's not a big cotton bud sometimes it's a big cylinder and you kind of put your hands into it well i don't know what you mean but people okay so they're like that on one end so it's a it's a mat that goes along and then it curls up like a like macaulay culkin sled that's a better one like macaulay culkin sled and you put your hand in and if you

arc them up towards yourself and have just your elbows on you fly down and i did pride myself on the fact that there was a some kind of school trip of spanish kids there and i blitzed every single one of them every single time and what actually i don't know spanish but they were definitely saying something on the lines of that fucking weird blokes on the slide with were again right and I was like you had a really good day

at that water park weird blokes beatings on the slide again you'll find that was a good water park actually really good water park that we've been told

a really good water park in Portugal have we yeah I love a water park yeah side note if the partner

of the lady who just wrote in there ever wants to come and just sort of learn some slide tactics, I'll run a bit of a seminar for him. Very reasonable price. I will start running. In fact, I could do that.

I could run seminars on how to go fast down slides. Such a weird thing to think about. You should buy Wet n' Wild. It's just sat there empty. Someone out there, buy Wet n' Wild, please. I'll advertise it for you. I'm not buying it myself. I'm not that kind of money.

We need a Ryan Reynolds. We need a Ryan Reynolds figure to our Rob McElhaney figure. Because we've got the sort of just entertainment jobs. Whereas we need someone who's got fingers in all the pies. All the pies.

Phone companies and that. I just think it would just be great if it was still a thing. If it was still a thing. Just spend all... Wet n' Wild, by the way, it was a massive water park in the North East. It was just brilliant. It's still there.

Yeah, but it's just abandoned. Nobody looked. Why is it abandoned? There's a video online. Some people went in. There's a video online on YouTube. Some people went in and they were having a look at it and looked around it and stuff. Hasn't fucking changed.

It just didn't make any money during the week. It apparently didn't make any money ever. Even in full capacity, it didn't make any money during the week it apparently didn't make any money ever even in full capacity it didn't make any money really why because it was just so much to run I imagine so yeah

oh what a shame listen we'll sort it out man we'll get solar panels on it or something come on guys come on there you go babadoo babadoo babadoo

dear Chris and Rosie I hope this email finds you well and ready for a tale involving an ex who managed to turn a steamy moment into an ick

encounter wonderful we've all been there let's do it ick counter how i like to say okay yeah i'm down with the kids you see yeah so picture this i was innocently going about my day when i received a text from my ex at first it seemed like harmless catching up but things quickly took a spicy turn right the messages became flirty and before i knew it we were exchanging some rather steamy texts i haven't done that for ages no with an ex though so she's obviously single though yeah well it's obviously yeah right okay i have to admit it was getting a bit exciting we don't send steamy texts anymore i don't know honestly if i was at one point yeah if i was somewhere and i got a steamy text off you i'll be like who stole our phone am i being scammed maybe we should you know right i

don't know no try it again no i'm all right well we're gonna have to at some point when the kids get a bit older i think yeah when we get our life back yes yeah it happened look it happened with robin robin hit about four and me and you were like well hey and then we went and had a rave again and it's all gone it's all gone shit again back to shit yeah yeah I'll show you my boob which one? both

okay then that's fine good not that I have a favourite so listen you don't have a favourite do you? that's just the way you were like I'll show you my boob

I was like okay what's the other one doing like too good to join in the party are you? stuck up a little tip that she is alright she's getting a bit excited okay okay okay.

Then, out of the blue, he sent me a photo to illustrate just how excited he was. Oh, heavens. Dick pic, as you can imagine. I imagine it wasn't his smiling face. Thanks for that. Look how dilated me pupils are in excitement.

Fucking hell. Now, I won't go into too much detail. Thank you. But let's just say it was quite the eye-opener. Right. Surprisingly, it actually aroused me a bit. That is quite surprising. And I was starting to think that maybe driving over to his

wouldn't be such a bad idea. Right, okay. This has all gone quite well. But here's where the story takes a hilarious turn. He decided to up the ante and send me a video. Good grief. Naturally, my curiosity got the better of me and I eagerly opened it.

However, as soon as the video started playing, I was hit with a wave of realisation as to why he was my ex in the first place. In the video, he was enthusiastically engaging in some self-pleasure, while describing in explicit detail what he wanted to do to me.

Oh, crikey. Now, you might think that's the ick moment, but no, my friend, that is not it. Right. Yeah, I wouldn't imagine that was the ick moment because it's that... I mean, he's up the ante. He's took it to a visual and audio medium.

Yeah. But that is what they were doing anyway. Yeah. Right, so what's happened here? What's he fucking got? The real kicker... SpongeBob kegs around his ankles or something. No.

The real kicker was the unexpected kegs around his ankles or something. No. The real kicker was the unexpected surprise waiting for me in the video. Brace yourself for this. Are you alright? He had created a line of toilet paper stretching from his belly button to his chest. A landing mat? He had pre-prepared a landing ground for his lord so it didn't make a mess. Oh, dude.

Why have you done that? In his sexy video where he's having a wank, telling her what he wants her to do to him. He's put time and work on his... Like a fucking Andrax puppy. That is rotten. Why has he done that? Why would you do that? Why? So weird. like a fucking Andrex puppy that's rotten that is rotten why has he done that why would you do that

why so weird but then also once he's once he's came it's like well you don't need to come out anymore

oh yeah yeah yeah oh actually it doesn't matter bye what's he done that for what's the point

in doing that fucking idiot oh I mean who does that it's like a decorator preparing to paint yeah mask and tape mask it down sanded the area just just a bit of filler on the belly button make it smooth

takes away all the sexiness that's brilliant there you go she didn't go around no of course she didn't well she didn't eat it when he wasn't bothered he probably yeah who's fed you oh for god's sake toilet roll as well you're quite a clean freak and I don't even think you would do that I wouldn't even do that I'd just jump in the shower mate you've never sent me a video

masturbating and I and I will and I never will why because it's fucking minging man what are you doing that for

no chance the burn goes through your phone it all goes to the cloud so whoever whoever that has seen it yeah it's always

someone's someone's always yeah it's always something someone's always watching someone's always watching do you have any idea how much a video chris ramsey masturbating would go for in this day and age oh 250 quid yeah if i said it you've been framed and it just fell off much much less than that much less than that you've been famous still on i'd definitely get that 250. Hi Rosie and Chris. So this story I wish to tell you started on a night out.

Me and the girls had a great night and were pleasantly steaming but I thought my friend Joanna, not a real name I don't think. Pleasantly steaming is great by the way. I love being pleasantly steaming. I was at the beginning. Joanna was a bit too drunk

and started to make some bad decisions. So they were pleasantly steaming, she was industrial ste Joanna was a bit too drunk and started to make some bad decisions so they were pleasantly steaming she was industrial steaming yes so me being the wholesome motherly figure I am I was like come on babe

time to get you home got ya I walked out of the taxi rank on said way we got stopped by the street pastors who provided us with flip flops

and offered a bible reading oh they're still knocking about I think so yeah oh get in yeah forgot about them give you out yeah yeah i only saw them a couple of times on night i find that i find it very

manipulating i feel like they're trying to help you but at the same time well i mean they spout a load of shit at you yeah but i mean they're picking their audience yeah picking you know the weak-minded let's be honest yeah strange like crack on with your thing what you gotta have everyone else joining you for yeah there is that because you feel embarrassed you want more people to join well maybe don't know apologies

probably shouldn't say that in case I'm offending anyone don't you claim to be Catholic I am but I don't know anymore Chris I don't know totally man struggling

you've never gave a pair of flip flops to someone on a night out so you're not really a Catholic I don't know what they're probably I don't know what they are I don't know what faction of what religion I feel it's strange i feel like very very serious

religious people who give out flip-flops on the street to people and give bible readings would have stopped listening to this podcast a very long time i guarantee they didn't start listening to this podcast well there you go i guarantee we're in a very interesting time for the podcast now as well by the way because whenever i do something large on mainstream tv before the watershed we get an influx of new listeners and then a lot of them drop off again oh yeah children in need way up not not not didn't like that well who do you think you are way oh no not for me he's not what i thought he was about well I like hearing about his

grandeur but I don't like when his wife says have you got a big knob in a quiz this is how I X rated personality

I had to explain sorry I don't mean to digress because just let you all know I have I've returned to my old school

operatic society singing group and I bloody love it every Wednesday night we rehearse more gallivanting yeah more gallivanting it's just lovely

and a few but a few of the the elderly ladies who I've known since I was 14 year old yeah watched the TV show enjoyed it very much

didn't like the F words and I fuck them fuck them tell them right get them on the phone now stop I love them to bits

they're not listening anymore they're definitely not listening to this they're definitely not listening to this yeah They're definitely not listening to this. Yeah. So anyway. Tell you what will offend them even more. What? Give us a song.

Give us a G&S song and I'll murder it. What do you sing? Come along and listen to the lullaby of Broadway. I don't know that one. I don't know that one. It's a popular one. Give us a good one. Wind Beneath My Wings.

Oh my God. Do you just sing all that shit? What? You're not singing anything good. What do you mean? What's Wind Beneath My Wings. Oh my God, do you just sing all that shit? What, do you not sing anything good? What do you mean? What's Wind Beneath My Wings? You are the wind beneath my wings. There we go, got them.

Yeah. You're everything, everything, everything. Stop this. Stop this. You know I've got to finish it. You're like fucking Cartman from South Park. Beneath my wings. I'm done, that's enough.

I'm done. Right, so listen. So. I did the thing with my fingers as well. Stop, please. We're actually doing a show in October, but I'll tell you about that. Close it.

No, no, no, no. So the pastor stopped them to offer flip-flops in the Bible reading. doing a show in october but i'll tell you about that close it no no no no um so the the there was the pastor stopped them to offer flip-flops in the bible reading and it says here in capital letters i wish i listened to them to prevent me from what happened next oh sorry we really went off piece yeah yeah sorry so they're out joanne not called joanne she's industrial steamers the others are just um they're just pleasantly steamers yes and now they're walking down the street and the Midnight Bible boys have stopped them, given them some flip-flops. And now, okay, go.

Nearing the taxi rank, we bumped into Dave. I knew Dave as he was the valet there where I usually buy cars from. How often are you buying a car? I know I do. That you know the guy who cleans the... Where you usually buy cars from? Listen, we don't know what this lady does for a living.

She could be... Collects cars by her own hands, I think. He was over the moon to see me. A beautiful... What? Oh, Val...

I validated your quarter. You did. Dave was over the moon to see her. Of course he was. So instead of Joanna making terrible decisions, it then turned out

to be me. Wow. I chose to go back to Dave's and have a bash. Wow. And have a bash we did. be me. Wow. I chose to go back to Dave's and have a bash. Wow. And have a bash we did. Fuck me.

It was a really, really good shag. Wow. He went down a mean, I've never come from oral, but here we are, squirting on his upholstered couch. It's alright, you should probably clean that knob,

or that. Listen, stop it, comedian Chris. I was so embarrassed, but he said, it's okay, baby girl. Remember, I'm a professional cleaner.

A weirdly erotic sentence what fired me up again. I was pulling out my best moves, spelling my name as I was grinding and all sorts. I was on top on the couch and as I peered over his shoulder, I seen a birthday card. Which said happy birthday grandad. shoulder, I seen a birthday card. Which said,

Happy birthday, Grandad. Now, I was in full flow and had put in a good show, so I wasn't going to stop. I always knew this guy was older than me, as one of our first conversations was over my newly purchased Fiesta. It was about his 17-year-old son.

I was about 24. Right. Once this top shagger had done her work, I questioned his age. I have a big birthday coming up, baby girl. That's what he said, right? 40? Believable, because he was hot.

Nope. Right. 50? I started to feel a little bit sick. No, not 50. Nope. 60. Right. Nope. 60. Right.

He's 60. Wow. That's his big birthday. Wow. He was fast approaching his 60th birthday. Wow. At this current moment in my life, he was six years older than my dad.

And I indeed got passport proof of age. She has to see his passport. Wow. She has to see his passport. Despite me feeling a little unwell at the thought of this, I got me a taxi home

but accidentally left my shoe so I could go back the next day because the sex was that good. Fast forward a year and a half,

I was in a horrendously toxic relationship with a completely gaslighting narcissistic prick. There has been a few drinks flung about

so I began making ridiculous decisions. So I rang Mr. Upholstered Sofa and said I was coming round. Fucking hell, the age he's getting on now though, he'll not be upholstered anymore. He'll have that plastic sheeting on it that the pensioners put on. My friend tried to block the door but I physically picked her up

to move her. Very, very bad decision and yes, very ashamed. Went and had a good shag then went to my mates anyway mr good shag kept pestering me and wanted to talk about us and the next stages for weeks on end but i just completely pied all this oh brilliant it's great when a bloke does it he's a fucking arsehole but when she does it it's fine what do you mean honestly so she's just about to rock up for a shag and then he's like what what's going to happen? She's like, oh, I'll hide all that. But if a bloke does that,

it's always like, oh, how disgusting. She's turning up. She's getting a car valet that God knows how many times. She hasn't mentioned that. I bet you, I guarantee you, at least about five times she's had her car cleaned by this fella. Right?

Yeah. I bet you. Do you know what I'm saying? No, girls ghost men all the time. Listen. Okay. Nobody's trying to... Girls are just as bad as boys. Boys are just as bad as girls. I'm just fighting the time. Listen. Okay. Nobody's trying to... Girls are just as bad as boys.

Boys are just as bad as girls. I'm just fighting the side for the brothers here. That's absolutely fine. Just fighting the side for the brothers. You keep fighting that side for them brothers. Okay. All right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Come on then. What are they all? What? Slags. Yeah, everyone's a slag. There we go. Fast forward to March 2023.

He's fast approaching 70. He's dead. No, the 60s is not that old. It's Christ. I'm joking. It's not that old at all. I mean,

yeah, but I'm like, listen. It's the fact that she's 20 odd. Each to their own, but I'm all right for shagging a 60 year old when I'm in my 20s. Well,

obviously though, to be fair, it's only when she thinks about it that it's an issue because when she's not thinking about it, it's fine. Yeah. Lots of experience going on there

obviously that's what it's day in like yeah fast forward March 2023 I go to a reggae night at the local music venue I was designated driver so stolen cold sober got ya

get myself a lovely little lemonade at the bar turn round and there he is in front of me dressed boldly in green, yellow and red my world fell out my arse

and I could have happily dropped down dead at this point did the typical British nod and swerve. End of the night, and he's talking to my sister. Quick diversion put in place, saying to her I felt I needed medical attention, in practice she's a nurse. Probing her about the man in question, turns out she shagged him too.

Yeah! What a guy! Turns out we have a lot more in common. Loads more rad stories for you if this one makes the cut. I'm going to call this guy... That's the cut. I'm going to call this guy That's horrendous. I'm going to call this guy the Valet Mallet.

Oh, nice. The Valet Mallet. The Valet Mallet. Two for the price of one. He'll mallet you. Wow. There we go. I think,

I don't know how I would feel if I'd slept with the same person that my sister slept with. I think that would really, really upset me a lot. Yeah. I, um, I mean,

there's a joke there that I'm not going to do because I know your sister, but yeah. What were you going to say? You know, the obvious joke. What? I don't get it. Are you stupid? Are you stupid?

What? Are you stupid? What were you going to say that you have? Yeah, that was the joke. It was the obvious joke that I wasn't going to do, but you made it worse. You made it worse. Fair enough, fair enough.

I'll never valet in your car again. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hello, Chris and Rosie. I was actually listening to episode 46 when this happened to me. Totally up to date, but started back from the beginning because I missed the banter.

What? I can't believe people do that. That is amazing. Honestly, genuinely humbled and blown away when people do that. No joke coming. No snide, daft, sarky remark. I really appreciate that.

It's amazing. Anyways, I was driving home from work down the A1 I work for Dogs Trust in Darlington and I have about a 50 minute commute

to where I live in North Shield I'm one of those people so you're driving up the A1 oh oh I hate that like what

so you're driving up not down right okay can I listen fully on board with this lady because I have no

actually I don't know if it's a lady or a man no distress I have no idea what the roads are called where they're going right north south east west

A1 from Darlington to get the North Shields is north and I would call that up up to A1 is it oh it's going up yeah because it's going

right technically I mean I'm splitting hairs yeah someone would probably tell us but I mean if we want to go as far as curvature of the

earth you're going up I don't know the road names you also which really when we do the TV show

our dressing room is downstairs in the basement of television centre yeah and our studio and

dressing room makeup room stop that our studio she's pulling her eyes at us stop and our studio and dressing room makeup room stop that our studio she's pulling her eyes at us stop it our studio

is on the ground floor so is the makeup room and the wardrobe and our dressing room is downstairs and constantly constantly you refer to our

dressing room as upstairs because it just feels weird when you go downstairs to get here when you go downstairs all dressing rooms I've ever done in theatres and that are upstairs, not downstairs.

I'll go upstairs and get ready. Where are you going? Like the offices? Let me be. I'm one of those people who always has to have a snack or a drink in the car. Same. I bought five packets of polos at the airport. Because you can't get Spamming polos around here.

So they're all going in the car. Probably shit myself so glad we've got separate cars today's snack of choice was harry bow dry and strawberries very good they do get they do get stuck in your teeth they are they are strong that's a strong car top gear car snack it is imo what's imo mean in my opinion yeah well done come on. I do the quizzes. Now, I feel this is pretty normal. However, I was soon to be made to feel otherwise. I noticed a white van begin to overtake me. And out of the corner of my eye,

I seen a man hanging out the passenger side window. Just as I was getting myself another strawberry, this man turned back to look at me as they drove past and made gesture as if to say, Gizzer sweet. With his hand. I just looked. I was mortified.

I didn't know what to do other than shake my head as if to go, No. He then proceeded to make his gizzer sweet gesture more energetic. And look, this is the way he really wanted one. And again, I just shook my my head i was driving after all then just as they were about to get too far in front he then hung out the window and turned back holding a large bag of crisps and changed his gesture to trade you i couldn't hold my laughter i was so embarrassed that someone witnessed my

commute from work snacking but it definitely made a boring trip down the a1 more entertaining what's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you while driving or in a car oh while driving or in a car what's the most embarrassing thing this reminded me of when i totally forgot about this memory, when I used to tour with vans up and down the country with me in the van, I would flash people when they're driving past. Wow.

You get locked up for that these days. I know. Wow. I know. You awful person. I mean, I pick my cars quite well. Old men. I mean, no, like young buses,

like school buses and that. What the fuck? Men parties and shit. School buses? Not school buses and that what the fuck hen parties and shit school buses not school buses just like you know

not kids right yeah I used to flash I used to flash my arse I used to flash my boobs everything well just pass the time

you had it you flaunted it I did yeah and now it's gone we would also I think I mentioned this and now it's gone do you know the other

oh I completely agree with you. Oh, okay. There we go. I totally agree with you. I'm sick of looking back at pictures of when I was younger. As I always call them, the here's what you could have won pictures. Oh, wow. Just because you're getting better looking.

You know what it is? I'm in the shape of my life. You are. Thanks to Cuddle Club. Blah, blah, blah. Thanks to Cuddle Club. i remember once when we were on tour we were in a traffic jam for so long carl hutchinson pisses like no one's business he's got the black for a large man he's got the bladder of a two-year-old bird right it's ridiculous

and uh we were on like this this sort of slip road mad traffic down near st albans or somewhere where all that m25 bullshit goes on. It's madness. If you don't drive, that won't make any sense. If you drive, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a fucking mess. So if you want to like sort of get off and back on a road, it's, you know, crazy.

See, you can't just nip off, go to the toilet and nip back on. You've got to go right back round on yourself, bring roads and fly over and all kinds of shit, right? So we're sitting in this traffic for ages and Carl goes, Carl just goes, canting on us and all kinds of shit, right? Right. So we're sitting in this traffic for ages and Carl goes, Carl just goes, can I get out and go to the toilet?

And Rhys the tour manager is like, you really shouldn't and he's like, I'm going to burst, I'm going to burst. So he gets out and he runs

into these bushes. As he runs into these bushes, all of the traffic disperses and we have to start driving and Rhys is the

most mild-mannered person and he's, well he's not mild-mannered, he can, you know, when he gets annoyed. So you didn't come off the the road you're just on the road still and he's just hopped out he just hopped off running around the trees he'll piss anyway now reese is a very well-spoken very nice boy but when he gets annoyed he gets annoyed and this was the first time i saw him

get proper annoyed and he was just like as we started driving off i just his face his voice is slightly like this me can't do his voice like this. A little bit like Townsend's fella from South Park. And he literally was just driving along and he just went there. I just heard him from the front going, fucking dick. He said, fucking,

fucking dick. 20 minutes it took for me to get back onto that thing. We were already late for the gig. We had to go along, off, off, along,

along, around, back to there. And Carl got in the car and Rhys was silent and Carl was in the back like a baby and he went

hey sorry Rhys silence I'm sorry Rhys silence for ages really ages and ages

and ages he wouldn't speak to him and Carl was it was so tense the drama you never really told me about that it was so so tense

Carl does all that have I not told you Carl did this in London we were at the drama you never really told me about that it was so so tense ooh Carl does all that have I not told you Carl did this in London we're at the UFC have I not told you for years Carl's been campaigning to take

empty tubes of Pringles in the van so we can piss in the Pringles tubes that kind of makes sense to me I'm not I am not touring with

a stockpile of Carl Hutchinson's piss but could you not just fling it out the window no what a full pringle tube like a bastard

no not the full pringle I mean the piss you just slow down it doesn't it's got slidey doors you'd have to open

the full thing like the fucking what about someone out the front what the one driver has got to do that it's dangerous it's disgusting

but Carl's problem is he doesn't he thinks this is a good thing right he thinks this is a good thing instead of telling you

when he can feel a piss coming on and giving you something, he waits until he's literally about to die. Right, okay. He waits until he's about to die. And it's bad to hold it in. Yeah, but he's like, I need a piss now.

And he goes, well, I waited to tell you. And I go, that's the worst thing you could do. Don't wait to tell us. Tell us when you feel it coming on and we'll know we've got time. Why don't you look into something?

There'll be something you can buy. No, no. Go on the camping shop. I am not buying some kind of instrument so that car can piss sitting next to me in a car. You're just as bad. I'll get out.

It's my tour. It pisses me off because it's not his fucking tour. He can piss on his own time. Wow. Oh, do you want to work for Chris Ramsey? Oh, yeah. He doesn't let you piss.

He doesn't let you wee. Tie a knot in it. You wouldn't dare do that to me on tour. You pissed in our van on tour. On the way to the O2. On the way to the O2. I pissed in a Barocca bottle. Yeah, and it stunk.

And Paul, our driver, said he could smell Barocca and piss that had Barocca in it. You didn't piss into the Barocca bottle because that would be the worst. Oh, no, no. Into a bottle that had Barocca in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said it was the worst.

So, hang on. How come you're allowed to piss in our tour van my tour not yours it's not your tour it's my tour well it's our tour 50-50

I don't want pissing in my van too late I did it what are you going to do I set a precedent now you're not doing it again are we going on tour again here we are is any tickets available

I don't think so I think it's all basically sold out no it might be a few have a look have a look shinemyrnoy.com live dates are on there it's going to be awesome

we're planning it properly now as well it's all going on you know what i think i will take some pringles tubes let's try it out no you're not pissing an hour to her see what i mean see what i mean see giving it large about me not letting it's not it's not nice having someone piss in a van next year it's horrible fair enough london traffic is the only time i will allow someone to piss in a bottle in a car because there's nothing you can do. Fair enough. So there you go.

Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed. Thank you very, very much. If you'd like to get in touch, send us anything in. It is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. That's where you send your electronic mail to. Why have you said that twice now? Just because we've been talking about being old and that.

Isn't it weird that email feels dated, even though it's so strange? But I mean, it's a very effective way of communication. I would prefer an email for everything. Unflagging an email is one of my favourite things to do yeah i've got 95 flagged well i think i just flagged them so i remember that there'll be all kinds of shit in there oh god bye guys bye see you later you're invited to an immersive listening party Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's the rite of spring followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece symphony exploder April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall for tickets visit tso.ca

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