Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 231. Obligatory Trebles

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

This week on the podcast, The Ramseys are about to go on holiday - but this time, they haven’t told Robin. Rosie gets an enlightening lesson about the equator from Chris. There’s a fake tan related beef and a QFTP about a very embarrassing return. Also there's a stinky Would You Rather and some very exciting news! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Gits and Gits Now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, hello, hello. And I'm sprightly today. You are. I am unbelievably sprightly. We've kind of swapped positions. You feel a bit shit, don't you?

I don't know what, I think it's a hormonal feeling. I don't know what it is. You've just said, obviously your favourite thing to ever talk about in the whole world is your period, but you don't know when it happens. I'd have it in my diary. I'd have it, I'd be like, oh, this is when I start feeling like shit. Yeah, but you don't know when it happens i'd have it in my diary i'd have it i'd be like oh this is when there is shit yeah but you don't like an app do you no no no you just you just wait until there's a pool of blood in the bed and go oh that's why i've been being you know what's so funny like you say it's been happening since i was 14 year old once a month right except for them that little time i had off yeah and what was that the pandemic no babies oh right okay only good thing about being pregnant

you don't have a period got you it's only that is the only the baby got you one of the only plus sides other than the baby

yeah yeah yeah yeah 50 50 I always I do it every month I go I think of an occasion that's happened

and I go I was on for that or I would just come off. I go, I think of an occasion that's happened and I go, I was on for that. Or I would just come off for that. And then I'll go, I'll not forget that. And then now I'm sitting going, what was the thing? And it happens every month. Yet, you've got so many little shitty bits of scrap paper around you that you write absolute bollocks on.

Yeah, I know, I should put it on a calendar. I had quite an important letter from the water board the other day, from Northumbria Water. You just turned the envelope over and wrote some shitty, arsey list of nowt on the back. And it was only, I was like, what's this? And I turned it over

and it was quite an important letter. I had to set up a direct debit. I wrote on the envelope though. I didn't write on the letter. No, but you turned it over and put it there as if it was a bit of scrap paper and it was quite,

I could have had a bit. You haven't thrown that away, have you? That's two programmes that have been recommended to me to watch. Oh my God, that's all it was. I thought it was at least a shopping list or you that's two programs that have been recommended to me to watch oh my god that's all it was I thought it was at least a shopping

list or something fucking hell how is it a shopping list it was literally I didn't read what it was didn't I I didn't read what it was I was just

like what the fuck is that and yeah I could have had the bloody bailiffs at the door they could have turned the water off eh

what are you going to watch when they turn the water off eh what are you talking about I'm saying you're writing little letters

on the back of me might as well turn the bloody water off. Our kids didn't bathe. No, no. They hate it, don't they? They will not have a wash.

They just don't want a wash. Horrible stinkers. Three days they went the other day. Oh, horrible. Had to do like a sly little, a little like hand wash with wet wipes for a reef. Yeah, you've got to. Yeah, but then again, I don't know if anyone else has this with kids. Like, it's like, come on, time to go in the bath.

They're like, no, no. And you fight to get them in the bath and they won't fucking get out oh they don't get out unbelievable dicks man unbelievable it's like they sent here

just to test with this morning was testing I don't know what they did this morning something happened like they just

I don't know if they sneakily found a little can of Red Bull somewhere and necked it and shared it they went into absolute lunatic mode this morning they just don't sit if they sneakily found a little can of Red Bull somewhere and necked it. Something happened. Shared it. They went into absolute lunatic mode this morning. They just don't sit still. Lunatic mode.

They're all over me like a rash as well. They didn't go on you. Nah, they don't bother us that much. Nah. Quite good. But, you know, we respect each other's personal space. It's just overstimulation. And then people wonder why women don't want to have sex all the time.

Because we're touched too much. You touched my boobs yesterday. Remember I was like, oh oh get offers yeah that was that was a good that was a good moment in the day horrible i just was like i've been touched different kind of touch the winner different kind of touch though i was like sensually just you know i know but it's still all brilliant so they use up all the touching so So I'll just get shouted at. Yeah, they do. Fan-fucking-tastic. Can't wait till they move out. Now listen,

a bit of a strange one this. So the last episode, this is 231, so 230, we recorded that yesterday in our time, in your time, dear listener.

This comes to you a week later. But we recorded that yesterday and I'll record another one now because we go on holiday tomorrow but by the time this one comes out, we'll already be back. Oh, you've come confused. You've lost recorded another one now because we go on holiday tomorrow but by the time this one comes out we'll already be back oh you've come for

confused you've lost us never tell anyone we're on holiday because I'm always terrified that people here are on holiday and they're just

gonna they're just gonna they're gonna pick the house up and move it not even burgle it move the whole house good luck Cassandra's here so

yeah to be fair we don't we always have people staying but listen right we're back now but I think even though we go away tomorrow we haven't told

Robin. We're not telling him. We've told him it's next week because he doesn't sleep because he's a lunatic. Can I just say, from the bottom of my heart, we know what happened with the last holiday, right? I'm dreading this as well. I think this is going to be shit as well. What? Oh, fuck. No, I'm better with this one. Let's go in. We'll talk about it

in the proper way. Okay, okay. So, it is episode 231. As always, I hate to gloss over this, but I hope you don't mind just repeating it. Thank you so, so much for listening

and being here. Part of our little world. We really do love it and we love you. Thank you. It's mad, isn't it? It's ridiculous. I had a check out years ago.

Great, don't listen to her. It is time, always, as always, at this part of the podcast, time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Bit of a personal sponsor for me this week taking this moment in the sponsor to put out a personal message that i feel i can't put out anywhere else is it your cream for your bad tiddler no no it's not my cream i did that i've already done tiddler cream um this week's sponsor is

i don't really like ipa stop fucking buying is it everyone what's ipa oh stop buying his ipa your mom came around this morning with a present from your sister kate kate i know you listen i don't want to mention this face to face because i feel really really fucking rude it feels rude right so i'm putting it out here everyone tell me friends tell me family tell them not to speak to us about it i'd stop honestly like i'd rather have nothing i'd rather have nothing you shouldn't do that what you're doing now you shouldn't do this what do you mean what do you mean you should just accept the gift graciously rosie rosie i've got fucking mountains of this stuff man i don't drink it pass it on that's all going out with date if listen if you are one of

the people me mom included kate couple other people what do you like lager i like lager or wine craft lager not even craft lager just get. Craft lager. Not even craft lager. Just get, don't get us anything. Don't get us, I don't want anything. Or get us a four pack of Corona. I don't,

just, please, please, look. You have mentioned once that you like, I don't know where this started. This morning, your mum came,

Kate, Kate, I don't know what planet you're on, but Kate got me for my birthday, right? One, it's a week late. Two, she wouldn't bring it up herself.

Stop. I can't, don't put this in the podcast. This is so rude. what planet you're on but Kate got me for my birthday right one it's a week late two she wouldn't bring it up herself stop don't put this in the podcast this is so rude this is so you spoiled little twat I'm not spoiled I'm saying don't get us anything

how dare you so what what world so do I just have to live in a world where I just keep getting stuck and go oh thank you

what's happened is they must have looked in a cupboard and thought fucking hell he loves IPA there's loads of it that's the stuff you got us last year

that's the stuff it's still here you got us it for me birthday you got us it for Christmas look I'm not just don't keep your money don't get us anything

please mum Kate everyone stop buying us IPA it's alright it's alright I don't want a fucking stockpile of it

have you told your mum no so how come you're bashing my sister on this medium I'm not happy about this go and ring your mum ring your mum now

and tell her you don't like IPA ring your mum Kate if you're listening go to my mum's house tell me mum you're such a wimp when it comes to your mum

this is what annoys us you'll take IPA off your mum until the day one of yours dies. Yeah, probably her first. But why can't you tell her you don't like it? I might, I might.

But she got me a can of, she got us some Marks and Spencer's Hell's Lager as well, which was very nice. But then there was IPA as well. And I was like, like now and then I'll have one. Like a neck load. Oh, so you do eat, so you do drink it.

I don't want mounds of it in the house. And I don't like fruity lager he's so ungrateful I'm not right how can right that's what I find frustrating no because you should have been taught I was taught

from a very young age whatever somebody gives you is a gift you take it graciously even if you literally and I did take it graciously even if you're allergic to it Chris right

even if it'll kill you even if it'll kill you alright so I've got a nut allergy you get as a snick as I go great can't wait to eat this and die yeah thank you so much and give it to somebody who doesn't excellent

why weren't you taught that I was taught that but it's getting to the point now where I'm running out of room for this IPA you did this about tea towels I think

you've done this before I'm running out of room for this IPA that gets done no look take it to the food bank can you take beer to the food bank

I'm sorry but I would love a beer from the food bank alright I'm sure, but I would love a beer from the food bank. All right, then we'll go. All right. Or take it somewhere somebody will drink it, you ungrateful little prick. Listen, I'm not ungrateful.

I just want everyone to save their money and stop getting his IPA. I don't know where it started, this vicious rumor, but I'm not a massive fan, right? It's a bit heavy. It's a bit heavy. I don't want to sit in the house and have a big heavy drink. I just hate that's one of my family that you're doing it to.

Tell your mum. Look, I will tell my mum. Bring your mum now, tell her. No. Tell her. You're so scared of your mum. See? It's pathetic.

You're so scared of her. You're so scared of her. You're so scared of her. Jingle. Jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle! Jingle! Jingle! We had a fight about the jingle, jingle

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed with this ungrateful arsehole, Christopher Ramsey and me. Jingle! No, a hide behind the podcast. I'll say it on here. She'll hear it. Again, Kate, don't mention it. I'll go red. Just don't worry about it.

All right? She bought, tell you what though, she bought us a shitload of sweets. Did she? Loads of sweets. You'll be all over them, you will. Did Robin see them? Robin didn't see them.

Rafe saw them and lost his mind. But then the box of beer was like a fruity, so it was like a really colourful box. So he wanted to start with the box. And I was going, it's beer. And he's going, ah! And I opened it and I showed him a can of box and I was going it's beer, and he's going, and I opened it and I showed him a can of beer, I went, it's beer, and he went and he just woke up

didn't even drink it, unbelievable, he's ungrateful now listen you excited for your holiday? I am I am, I genuinely am because this rain is really, really upsetting us, it's actually quite, it's turned quite nice today.

It's quite nice today, yeah. But I'm going to get a bit deep here and I don't mean to, I feel really lucky that we're going on holiday because I said it last time we went on holiday. We've had a couple of holidays. Yeah. We're really, really lucky.

Very, very lucky. And I just think that it's so sad that we live in a day and age where people who work full time and have good jobs can't afford a holiday. It's fucking awful. And I think it's absolutely tragic it's awful but we're going with all our friends

and you know everyone's you know saved up for it and stuff and it's ridiculous the way everything is we're going to have a lunch time utility bills it's madness the kids are going to all have mates to play with what are you dreading? I'm dreading, so we're in a group with all our friends

18 and we're going all together 10 adults, 8 kids we're in a group with all our friends 80 and we're going all together 10 adults 8 kids we're in a group and one of the people in the group who shall remain nameless messaged yesterday

and said that her 5 year old or 6 year old she was like oh he slept in till half 8 today because he wants to have a lot of energy

for Portugal so he slept in I wrote fuck off but I didn't send it but I typed it to make us feel better so what's worrying you is that our kids

get up at the crack of dawn and no one else's kids do our kids are up Robin wakes up 5 o'clock on holiday 5 o'clock bang I'm up right where's everyone

he doesn't wake up at 5 o'clock he was waking up at 7 o'clock on the last holiday check your privilege right check your bullshit he was waking up at 7 o'clock on the last holiday. Check your privilege, right? Check your bullshit. Yeah.

He was waking up. For the first three days, he woke up at 6 o'clock. For the first two days, he woke up at 6 o'clock. Oh, right, okay, because it was an hour. And it's an hour ahead, which makes it 5 o'clock. Well, there's no time difference. Oh, no. Exactly.

So he'd be up at 5 o'clock. That first morning, he'd be up at 5 o'clock. Where's everyone? They're all asleep, you fucking lunatic. Go back to sleep. I can't. He does that thing where he lies there lunatic. Go back to sleep. I can't. He does that thing where he lies there

and just thrashes about the bed. I can't sleep. Because you're thrashing around. Then Rafe wakes up. Then we get formal complaints off people

for having them in the pool early. All the pools open at nine o'clock. Oh, he slept till half eight. Well, I'm going to be outside

your fucking door, love, with my kids at quarter past five in the morning. We'll see how fucking long he sleeps, eh? You can't get mad at other people because the kids sleep longer. I can. It's called jealousy, and that's what I've got. Right, well, I read somewhere that kids who get up really early are dead clever.

Right, yeah, keep telling yourself that. That's just something sleep-deprived, depressed parents decided to start a rumour for. Right? That's all that is, um listen don't don't worry we'll just go to bed earlier and then you'll go so there's your other problem i don't want to go everyone's still out they're all they're all there every because all of them will still be out drinking all of our friends to be out drinking all of the kids will be laughing and carrying on and on the play area and having a great time and rob Robin will go why am I going to bed now it's still light

they're all still out and I go because you don't fucking lie in they lie in oh oh oh stop it

you're getting yourself all wound up it'll be fine I'll bribe them I'll just have all the bribes honestly yeah yeah

right loves money we'll just bribe them with money ah okay here we go no I'll literally be like, there's a euro on your pillow.

Get back. He'll love it. The early bird fairy has left a euro on your pillow. Mate, yeah. He'll run back, he'll grab the euro, he'll go, right, I'm going out.

Unbelievable. I don't know. Well, just listen. Let's not worry about it. And we'll just be fine. But we have had a little word, haven't we? We're not going to fight. No, we're, haven't we? We're not going to fight.

No, we're not going to fight. We're not going to argue. We've made a pact that we're going to really try our best. So we'll see. Because we always argue. No, we do not! No, I feel like we're... Well, I think, I don't know whether with this group of friends,

so it's all your friends from being kids. So a couple of them had kids but they had girls who are no bother doesn't count and then we had Robin who was a nightmare so I felt like

we always every social interaction we fought because we had Robin and then a lot of them didn't have kids but now they've all got kids

and a lot of them are boys welcome to the party pal we haven't really been in a situation all together so I think we'll be alright well we're quite good now

with not arguing since becoming sort of recognisable off the telly and that we're quite good at not arguing hold a hand bit of a squeeze of a hand bit of a gritted teeth you love that though you love you love that that's that pisses me off what do you mean because we'll be in public usually the airport or something and we'll be having a big guy and then you're like stop it and i'm like you fucking you started making a scene the one thing that's guaranteed to make someone make a scene is gritted teeth and saying to them stop

listen talking about holidays so we were on uh well i don't know where we were the idea and we're talking about holidays and i said now i don't know if i've mentioned this in the podcast before but i did a um i worked abroad a couple of times and i worked in a beach that was everyone used to go on an evening to a beach and watch the sun go down, which was really cool. It's that cool thing you do in Ibiza. Yeah.

Go and watch the sun go down. Cafe Del Mar and all that. Yeah, never been. Watch the sun go down. Beautiful. So a lot of the people I worked with, they went out and they were like,

let's pull an all-nighter. So they pulled an all-nighter and then just as it was sort of getting a bit lighter, they were like, let's go and watch the sun come up. Oh, yeah. And they went back to the same beach

and sat there staring at the horizon, wondering why it was getting lighter, but they couldn't see the sun until it rose fucking behind them on the other side of the earth as the sun does and went, oh, yeah. I'd have done that. Now, this is what I love about this.

When I told you this story, which I've told you before, but I told you again the other day, I mentioned it, and you said, well, I've never really understood done that. Now, this is what I love about this. When I told you this story, which I've told you before, but I told you again the other day, I mentioned it, and you said, well, I've never really understood all that. I only understood it when we started looking at houses. Yes. So you only got, right? So school and life didn't teach you the sun rises in the east

and sets in the west. You completely ignored all of that until you were looking for a house and people were saying south facing garden and then you took an interest I had to learn about it that's fucking absolutely I'm not even joking Chris

it's ridiculous to be honest with you north east south west north the elephant's squirted water right never really understood it my entire life no but I was just like

what are you all talking about blah blah I just thought the sun rose the sun set and I just never really understood. But yeah, when you look at houses,

you have to know where the sun is. And then, and it actually probably in only the last three, four years that I was like, the east and the west came into it because I always thought the sun set in the south. Like, because you get a south facing garden, but that's because you get it all. Yeah.

In the northern hemisphere. Yeah. Yeah. You don't understand that either do you it's different other places isn't it well if you sort of bottom of the southern hemisphere

and you want you really want a north facing what southern hemisphere is that like Australia bottom of the earth yeah you'd want a north facing garden

technically yes because they do they get but actually they don't what I don't think they do oh so what are you talking about

you haven't said the point so when I watch a program and it's abroad yeah oh they want north facing if they're in the southern hemisphere yes okay yes that's what i'm talking about i thought they wanted north facing so that they didn't get as much sun because it's hotter no they want north facing for the sun depending on the place yeah it's different place fuck right. Because it's a different place. Fuck. Right? I think that's right. Well, I don't know. Fucking hell.

I don't want to damn Google it. But now it makes sense because I was like, oh, they're getting a North... They want a North-facing garden because it's so hot and they don't want the heat all the time. Right, yeah, no. But no, it's because the dew, they're like us, they want South-facing.

But North-facing. But North-facing because it's a different facing. Hem all right hemorrhoid it's i'm sorry right i'm not thick right it's complicated yeah yeah yeah yeah don't even get started the equator what the what's that what is the equator do you know when everyone's like everyone a 37 nearly 37 year old woman uh who finished school uh just said what is the equator what is it's the it's the it's the middle of the earth right it's the it's the it is literally the dividing line between the northern hemisphere and the southern hemisphere what what does it do is it a thing what do you mean like is it painted on the floor no i just mean like so it's just it's called the equator like aka middle of the earth yeah so it's it's the exact middle round if you're going from top to bottom it's the exact middle all the way

on the center of the earth and it's it's hottest at the equator right because it's where it's it's closer because of the bulbous of the side of the earth it's closer to the sun have you never seen this will blow your this will blow your fucking mind right okay so that's why it's hotter because it's closer

because it's the roundness and that's this what this will blow your mind why weren't you my teacher at school because I was the same age as you

fucking maniac have you ever seen A photo Of The sun Hitting the earth At midday In the summer

On the equator No Right Is it really close Let us No Is Egypt on the equator Jesus Christ

Probably part of it I don't know Because I just remember People were like It's right close to the equator Was it Africa Yeah a lot of Africa Will be to the equator. Was it Africa? Yeah, a lot of Africa will be on the equator.

Yeah. Hold on. Watch this. I'm asking this is just my knowledge. Just watch this. Just watch this. Can you see that? So I'm just showing Rosie there. That's the one there.

I'm showing Rosie a photo of some yellow. You might have seen it. It went viral. It's a photo of yellow bollards. Yeah. That is midday on the equator. There's no shadow. No shadows.

The sun is directly above. No shadows at all. It looks like a bad computer game render. That's cool. It doesn't look real, does it? No, that's really cool. What does that make you think? I don't really know.

I don't understand. I don't understand where the sun is in correlation to the earth in all the... I don't... just honestly chris i just sometimes feel like do i need to know that um you don't need to know it i mean you've got children who are going to ask you questions and what you're going to say have a look on your ipad i say ask your dad great um what do you mean you don't know where the sun is compared to the earth

what do you mean what does that mean as a sentence like I just feel like some films have really confused us right of the sun and stuff like like Marvel and that and all that kind of stuff right forget Marvel

right forget Marvel not real nope all bollocks yeah yeah forget them okay what don't you understand

so the sun's and then the earth what oh don't no come on this is really ridiculous it's not this is ridiculous no it's fine the earth goes around? Oh, don't. No, come on. This is really ridiculous. It's not. This is ridiculous.

No, it's fine. The earth goes around the sun. Correct. Yes. Yes. Okay. And the earth spins. Yes.

So at different times of the earth spinning is when the sun... That's your days. So the earth going around the sun is your year, and the earth spinning on its axis is your day. Yes. And the earth just spins sort of like clockwise or anticlockwise, whatever it is. Whatever way it spins. Never goes like around the other way.

It doesn't, no. Never goes upside down. So just always, no, don't laugh because this is serious. And that's why up at the top it's cold. Yeah. Because it doesn't get as much of the sun. Because now I know about the bulbous thing that you said, I never thought about that.

There's also a tilt. This is going to upset you. Oh, fuck me. Where is it? Where is the tilt? Where is the tilt? said i never thought about that there's also a tilt this is gonna upset you oh fuck me so depending on what part of it it's going round so it's tilted on its side on its axis there so it's not upright it's to an angle right yeah so depending on what you know in in what i fucking it's really hard to explain to you depending on what part of the year the year it is a different part of the earth is tilting away aust year it is, a different part of the earth

is tilting away. Australia is on the opposite side of the earth than us, so they tilt towards the sun at a different time than we do. Because they get different, so they get summer

when we get winter because we're further away. Yes. Okay. This is the most I've ever learned about it, ever. I'm not even jogging.

And you know what, I've probably made some mistakes here. This is amazing. I'm genuinely glad we had this conversation. Right, okay. I mean, I hope the listeners some mistakes here. This is amazing. I'm genuinely glad we had this conversation. Right, okay. I mean, I hope the listeners are as well.

Why is Russia cold? Because Russia is on the same line as us. Not all of Russia is cold. Okay. Russia is absolutely fucking massive. Right. Not all of Russia is cold. The north of Russia is pretty cold and horrible.

I imagine southern parts. That's in line with us. There's some parts of Russia that are more southern than us along the line. Of course. And they will be much hotter. Okay. But yeah, basically yeah. North up, up, up, up,

up, hot. Sorry, up, up, up, cold. Down, down, down, cold. Middle. Warm. Warm. There you go. Brilliant. Happy? Yeah. There we go. Thank you. Sorry everybody. You're not well. Really sorry. my nose bleeding i'm just like i just i don't know why i've never it's never gone in it's never ever gone in and

you know what it still hasn't because i could ask you all this next week and you wouldn't know no i know now but hang on where does the rising of the sun come into it then as the earth turns towards it imagine turning a lamp on and just turning away from the lamp and then keep turning Beth mae'r cynyddu o'r sôn yn dod i mewn yna? Yn ystod y ddaear yn gwirio. Yn ystod y ddaear? Yn fathu'n gwirio'n gwirio'n llwyr ac yn gwirio'n gweithio o'r llwyr. Ac yna yn parhau i'w gwirio ac yn gwirio'n ôl. Yn gwirio'n ôl. Ie, wrth gwrs. Felly, rydych chi'r llwyr ac rwy'n mynd i'w gwirio o'ch llwyr.

Ie. Felly, y peth diwethaf rwy'n ei weld yw fy ngwleidydd ddae. Y peth diwethaf rwy'n ei weld yw fy ngwleidydd ddae. Ie. Rwy'n mynd i'w gwirio. A ydw i'n mynd i'w gwneud? Ydw i'n mynd i'w gwneud. Felly, rydych chi'n mynd i'r sôn.

Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. I so now the back of my head. Yeah. There. Yeah. Yeah, to Australia there. More than Australia. Jesus, yeah. Right,

now I'm coming back round. So that's west. Next thing I'm seeing you with is the next bit of my eye. That's how it works. Right, amazing. Alright. Wow.

North, east, south, west. I'm embarrassed. Rises in the east, sets in the west. Yeah.

Great, so. Best, no, no, yes, the best way to remember it, sorry,

there's a Red Hot Chili Pepper song And it goes The sun may rise in the east At least it settles In a finer location It's Californication So he's talking about How amazing America is

So he says It may rise in the east But at least it settles In a finer location Talking about California Which is the west I need a lie down by Oh god

Babadoo babadoo babadoo Bah It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? I've got a beef. I've got a beef with a very big department store

because I placed an order the other day for next day delivery at your store and you took £5.95 off me and it's delayed so I'm actually not going to get a time for me holiday.

I want that £5.95 back. Right, okay. Wow, okay. Let's do it. Let's do it. I hate that. I hate that though. It's like, do you want next day delivery? I'll do it this is that this is right though it's like do you want next day delivery i'll take you five pound 95 it's delayed i'm sorry but what

just ring me mate matt matt all right from uh watchdog watchdog on the one show he'll sort it out for you he'll be all over i bet they've done a thing about this i used to love watch remember when watchdog was the full like hour it's just um oh yeah when when it was its own show. But now it's sort of on the, I remember, he's actually quite into it. I felt like I was, first time I met him, I felt like I'd done something wrong.

I was like, what are you going to get us for? What have I done? I don't know. I felt like a shop owner. If I had a shop and he walked in, I'd absolutely shit me pants.

I'd shit myself. Can I ever tell you, I was in Manchester. I think I was on tour. I was in Manchester and I was walking through the northern quarter and I looked through a window of a clothes shop and he was in the clothes shop doing some presenting. And I was in Manchester I was walking through the northern quarter and I looked through

a window of a clothes shop and he was in the clothes shop doing some presenting and I sort of waved at him through the window and I walked in I went right what they've done

who's in bother he went oh no I'm doing a bit about sustainable clothing I went oh okay good did you know him at this point yeah yeah I was like what

thank god Jesus Christ I didn't just yeah no I'd worked with him yeah I was like right how are you who are we getting I was like

I'll get them for you you hold them down I'll fucking with them. Yeah, I was like, right, how are you? Who are we getting? I was like, I'll get them for you. You hold them down, I'll fucking get them a good kicking. It was always, I loved the holiday specials when it was always like dodgy holidays and that and shite holidays. Yeah, I mean, terrible for the people who had it, but yeah, entertaining, sure. So are you going to name and chain this department store?

You're not going to bother? No, I'm not. No, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that to them, but they know who they are. Okay. Do they though? Probably not, no, but I feel like they might. I can't get it. Just irrit but they know who they are. Okay. Do they, though? Probably not, no, but I feel like they might.

I can't get it. Just irritate them. What had you ordered? Let's get the bomb in this. I'd ordered, like, a little denim dress and a play suit and something else. For me holiday.

Play suit? What kind of playing are you going to be doing? A play. Play what? Yeah, what are you playing? What are you doing? Tennis.

Shut up. What are you playing? Your dad jokes are getting ridiculous. The hide and seek dress? What's your beef with me? My beef with you is your dad fucking jokes. My beef with you is you order stuff without enough time to be on holiday and then blame the world.

No, my beef with you, it is about holiday. My beef with you is yesterday you said you were going upstairs to pack and you didn't. You just pranced around naked for a while and then you put your fake tan on, which you put on before holiday. It's cheating quite frankly it's not I don't want to get my pasty arse

in bloody first problem stop getting your arse out around the pool we've been warned about this that's how they make bikinis these days

we've been warned about this by numerous hotels stop getting your arse out guys I will not be wearing a bikini we all know you wear

big Homer Simpson moo moo it's essentially it's essentially a duvet Duvet cover with a hole cut in the top And you just climb in it You're like a little flying squirrel You've got to try everything on Stop buying stuff online, go to the shop

So you put your fake tan on yesterday Which is irritating anyway, cheating And I came downstairs And I said It's a new day on yesterday which is irritating anyway cheating and i uh came downstairs and i said no no no definitely i'm definitely telling them this um i said uh okay i said can you can do us a favor because we had a chicken the other night and you're like you've got some unbelievable talent of just like when i look at the chicken and i go well there's nothing left on that chicken carcass you're like give you five minutes with the chicken carcass and there's a pile of meat three more

yeah there's like three more massive piles of meat that you've managed to just like and it's the best stuff yeah it's ridiculous i don't know how you do it it's incredible to be fair hats off to you um i said can you possibly get could you could you get some meat off the chicken which to be fair is me asking for a favor i get it right but you said and i quote i can't because I've got my tan on and I need to wait another hour and a half for my tan to set

so I can't I went well what's that got to do with it you went well I can't wash my hands after I went you can't wash your hands at all for two hours you went no

I've had two pisses and I haven't washed my hands yet so I said don't worry I'll do the trick on myself awful you can't wash your hands women sometimes do you know what I mean you're disgusting why Don't worry, I'll do the chicken myself. Awful.

You can't wash your hands. Women, sometimes, do you know what I mean? You're disgusting. Why? Disgusting. Disgusting. I sometimes think, you know when you have a, I always do wash my hands because I think it's more when you flush the chain, isn't it?

That's when you need to wash your hands. Right. But sometimes I'm just like, when you're wiping that, I don't touch my vagina at all. Okay, but do you not think germs go through the paper slightly? No. Microscopic. You don't think microscopic tiny little things go through the paper?

No, I don't. Okay. Okay. Sorry, I don't. I don't think I can fight this kind of big news. I've used all of me teaching already this episode. I don't think I can give you any more. I don't think anything goes through the paper.

Okay, then. I think you wash your hands because all of the germs are on the flush and the door. In your own house. In your own house. Yeah, in my own house. Clean your house. Clean your door handles. I just sometimes, I just think it's a bit sore.

Yesterday, yeah, I did have two weeks and I didn't wash my hands. What are you going to do? Yeah, you're not sitting on your laptops. That's good. Yeah, there's no mind. This is everywhere. Oh, but then again, no, it's not because it doesn't come through the paper.

Oh, there we go then. Have I done my beef with you? Yeah. No, I haven't. No, you haven't. My beef with you is you texting me from another room to come and look at you with one of the kids on your lap.

That was last night. So last night. It's really fucking weird. I don't want to. He's a proper mommy's boy. And he does not. I literally said to you last night. So last night, so Ria. It's really fucking weird and I don't want to. He's a proper mammy's boy and he does not, up until,

I literally said to you last night, I said, I think he really likes me now. He obviously, I know he loves us but I'm very much, I'm very much

second choice, like, ridiculously second choice. Even sometimes he'll pick your mam over me. Yeah. But just recently, maybe even this week,

he started proper absolutely loving me yeah and last night he wanted to watch stickman so we went through to a different room to watch stickman and i sat on the sofa and he went he literally said can i sit he went sit on daddy's knee sit on daddy's knee so i sat on the sofa on the corner bit of the sofa and he sat in between my legs and i put a pillow on like my stomach and he just lay it was lush like we were a little bobsleigh team it's so nice and I'm so glad

that you got to experience that and the memories that you were going to have so I texted you saying come through and see where don't interrupt is what I said

I don't need to see him and you came through and you had a look and you were honestly I did that to you every time one of my kids

not every time but it's the first time he's done it no it's not it's sat on your lap loads of times I've got to pin him down man I've got to literally

pin him down the only reason I started doing jujitsu is so I can get cuddles off him do you know what else really pisses me off every time that they do you go take a picture

take a picture when they're sat on your knee you never take pictures of me when we're kids I was taking selfies man you've got loads of photos no selfies exactly I'm going to die one day

and there's going to be no memories of me to my children Wayne will you make it quick because I'm sick of this. Go. Shut up. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Special announcement here, getting dropped into the podcast. You might have seen the news that we have been shortlisted for the NTEs. The National Television Awards. Rosie, you're excited? I am excited, but really terrified. Don't know what I'm going to wear. Yeah, we all know about that. I hate getting my picture taken on the red carpet.

Yeah, we've talked about that. So we released a little special episode. Worst day of my life. Yeah, great. We're so happy to be part of it with you. We released a special episode yesterday talking, begging, pathetically begging for you to vote. And we're doing it again now on this podcast.

Basically, we are in the TV interview category with Louis Theroux, Piers Morgan, Graham Norton, and then us two. Mad. Which just, I mean mean I'm looking at it on the website now it looks like an error they must be laughing

their heads off at that though they must be like who the fuck are they what are these chumps I mean I met Louis Theroux at the UFC the other week and I'm 99% sure he had no fucking clue

who I was no disrespect absolutely fine he'll know he'll know what the end to years when he sees us in the crowd when he accepts

his award then he'll not then they'll all know oh Lenny oh no that was last year so Lenny Henry

got a special get off the website we're just doing this bit I'm on the website great there's little Joel looking at you

Joel alright he's a good looking lad listen and he's a lovely lad so please if you could just go nationaltelevisionawards.com

or just google national television awards and we are in the TV interview category against absolute powerhouses of television interviewing and we're there so if you could vote for us

it would be bloody lovely thank you so so much in advance and thank you already the people who voted and got one the short list from the long list it's a mad process

I know thank you so much we never ever want to downplay how genuinely like yeah we don't take it for granted how buzzing we are about it we've got

we've won some mad awards it's crazy it'll be like it'll be amazing to get it yeah but at the same

time if we don't I still love you and it'll be fine no no if we don't I don't love you and we're getting divorced right

the podcast won awards the TV show hasn't this will be the first one that the TV show could win oh

so that's exciting and there's people acting oh no we're shortlisted for the British Comedy Award

for the TV podcast for the TV show but it didn't win. So it could win this. Okay. You shut the bed. What am I going to wear?

Shut up man. Thank you so much. This Friday You must be very careful Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

of evil. It's all... No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night

on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public.

Public. Public. As always, you beautiful, beautiful people, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Send us whatever the fucking hell you want. Yeah. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

I'm writing this with full agreement of my fiancé. However, I have quite an unusual name, so this is a question with a request to stay anonymous. Fine. It was an unusual name. Was it now? Yeah. Okay.

They would have definitely known. Was it like a number? No. No? It was like a drink. Right, okay. Wow. I think, if I remember rightly.

Yeah, it was. My partner has suggested a couple of times that we would like to buy a remote-controlled vibrator. He would like to buy a remote-controlled vibrator He would like to buy a remote control vibrator. I've seen these perverts on the internet. We've spoke about this a lot. You know the ones. The little egg shaped things you can have in place while out and about that has a wireless

remote so you can turn the vibrations on and off from across the room. Don't understand Don't get it. Don't get it. Would you like that? Personally me? No. No. Not at all. I think that the attraction

and the sort of, what's the word, the sort of enjoyment for people is knowing that, oh, you're doing the winter, no one knows and it's in public. It's like public sex without the public sex kind of, isn't it? But yeah, I've seen, yeah. I mean, I can't, I mean, I hate going to the cinema anyway. If someone sitting next to us having a fucking absolute raging orgasm while I'm trying to yeah. I mean, I can't, I can't, I mean, I hate going to the cinema anyway. If someone's sitting next to us

having a fucking absolute raging orgasm while I'm trying to watch Oppenheimer, I'd be like, will you, people died, love. People died. What is Oppenheimer about? Oh, Jesus, are you serious? No.

It's about the guy who made the atomic bomb. Right. Yeah. It looks good. Yeah, it looks really good. Well, actually, no, I haven't even seen the bloody trailer. I'm just guessing it.

I'm sick of hearing about that and Barbie. Everyone lost their minds that two films that were quite different came out on the same day. Fucking sick of hearing about it. I still haven't seen Barbie. Barbie is incredibly, actually, the first film ever directed by a woman to gross a billion dollars. Wow.

Yeah. That's amazing. Yes, amazing. It's apparently very sort of like girl power. I think I'm going to love it, but not in a really clever way. I'm desperate to say it. Anyway.

Each time he has mentioned it, I have given him a vague and non-committal response and gotten on with my day thinking no more of it. He's a fucking pervert is what he is. Oppenheimer. So he invented the atomic bomb. Sorry. Don't jump out of this story about a man trying

to buy a public vibrator for his wife. Don't jump out of that into Oppenheimer straight away. I want to learn things. So he invented the... Watch the film. Bad crack. Is that the same as a nuclear bomb? Is it the same?

Yeah. Atomic, nuclear. Yeah. Bad. All bombs are bad. I'll tell you that right now. Of course they are. But I don't think they should have ever been invented

I believe that's what the entire film's about I believe it's about he's a genius and it's about he's moral okay we'd like that we would like that

however on a recent city break not watching it with a vibrator we are so remote controller otherwise don't press the big red button however

on a recent city break in europe we had been day drinking which turned into afternoon evening and night drinking so we were both a bit sozzled okay we haven't done that for ages no on our way because we get tired what do you mean let's do a bit day drink and we have two drinks on the day and then we fucking want to go to sleep yeah because usually if we have a day away or night away we'll have been up at five o'clock with our kids. Yeah, yeah. And then you have to go

to bed at ten o'clock. What is us? On our way back to our room we walked past a slightly dodgy looking sex shop and with the bravery

of booze I suggested we went and had a look to see if they had one. However, the response I got was not what I expected. Okay.

My soon-to-be husband looked at me and in all seriousness said he didn't want to buy it abroad because if there was a problem, he couldn't return it. These people live amongst us, guys. They live and breathe. They're our guys. They live and breathe. They're our friends. They're our relatives. That's great.

What if that was coming? So in his head, he's going to take it back. It's something wrong. In case it breaks, he's going to march. If we get home in three days' time and this breaks, how am I going to return it? That's what I'm saying. So in his head, he's going to buy one

in England instead from a shop close and when it breaks he's going to march back in. I don't think they return I don't think you can return sex toys. I'll be honest with you I don't think you can either.

No. That's it. What a fucking skin flint. I know. That's incredible. March her back in. Come on love. Come on.

You're alright mate. No I'm not alright. I'm absolutely furious. Yeah look at this. See this. Drop your kegs love. Tell you this. What? Come on, love. Come on. Right. You're all right, mate. No, I'm not all right. I'm absolutely furious. Yeah. Look at this. See this? Drop your kegs, love. Tell you this. What?

Right. It won't sync up. It won't sync up with me phone. Why can't I? Why can't I? Look, I'm not taking the remote out as well, right? I'm going to pop that up for you, love. Watch.

We'll show them. Pop that. Just go in the corner there. Right. Pop that up. Right. Mate. Why?

Me phone can't find it. Why can't? Archer has to take it out for it. Right. Take it back out, love. Right. Give it to the man. Give it to the wife.

Give it to the man. Fucking a wipe give it to the man fucking hell this is gross this is gross I guarantee it'll be like when we used to buy yo-yos

when we were kids and I'll never forget the phrase that etched in me there was a shop in South Shields called Supertech oh yeah

and you would buy the yo-yo and the guys would recite it they'd get the yo-yo, and the guys would recite it. They'd get the yo-yo, you'd go, I want that one. They'd open the packet, and their words were,

do you remember the words? Oh, no, I can't. No refunds, repairs, or exchanges, so we'll test them in the shop. Yes. I imagine the test them in the shop, it doesn't apply here. I imagine the guy you're buying it off

doesn't quickly hide up his arse and turn it on. No refunds, repairs, or exchanges, I imagine, is with vibrators. And, oh, my God god who's taking get keep the box how much was it i wonder fucking hell man there's a question yeah my question is what's the most embarrassing thing you have ever returned or thought about returning oh oh oh i once this is the first thing i popped my head um just it wasn't an embarrassing thing it was just an embarrassing situation i uh one sunday i was on my rollerblades and i went down to the local shop with a pound and i bought a bottle of lemonade small bottle of lemonade i

remember it was 73 pence the very expensive corner shop it was only a little bottle of sprite you wouldn't get that 73 pence yeah and then i took it home i mean my mind how much was that i went 73 pence written that's ridiculous take it back and i had to rollerblade all the way back to the shop and go in and go oh my mom says it's too expensive no yeah it was fucking mortifying yeah it was mortifying absolutely mortifying made even more mortifying by the fact that you weren't allowed to wear your rollerblades in the shop so i had to take them off and walk around with my socks on twice. Did you take it back? Yeah, yeah, I took it back.

But surely, had you not been given that pound to spend on what you wanted? I'd been given a pound to go to the shop and then she was like, I gave her a change and she was like, that's 73, it's ridiculous,

I take it back and I had to go and take it back. To be fair, she's got a point because back in the day when we were younger, that's the price of what a big bottle was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They've had your life. Yeah, they've had my life and i had to go back in you know rollerblades under my arm socks on did they give you your money but yeah i think they just felt really sorry for us what did you get instead i think i just took the pound back i think i didn't want any more drama very expensive corner shop that one where was it next to where i lived does not narrow down at all i think I know what it is. I think I know which one it is. Bad times. What about you?

What's the most embarrassing thing you've done? I can't think of anything. I just wouldn't, I wouldn't take anything back if I was embarrassed. I definitely wouldn't take a vibrator back.

No. I mean, what's he thinking? I don't complain about food. Like, literally. Oh, yeah. You would eat shit sandwich from me entire life. Well, we've sat in restaurants

when I'm literally like, this is the most disgusting thing and they come around and they go, how is it? I'm like, yeah, it's great. Yeah. But I just wouldn't go back. That's my thing.

I complain with my feet. Right, okay. That's not the right saying, is it? Vote with your feet is the saying. Vote with your feet, that's what I do. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, so I just don't go back and I'm like, you've lost my service forever and I'm a big eater, so more fool you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear I'm like, you've lost my service forever. And I'm a big eater. So more fool you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, long time listener, first time emailer. I love that saying.

After listening to the podcast for a while, I've decided to finally share my story of the woman who pissed on her own face. Wow. I love my job. I love my job. The fear that they may have given away The punchline there But continue I wonder what this story's about

You can guess I was returning to Newcastle The summer after I had finished my teaching degree With your lovely mate Angela For a night out With my friend Rachel Okay

I don't think I know this person But Angela knows them But they know Angela Yeah but I'm going to keep them Anonymous just in case Okay After a few Obligatory travels In a tour of the old haunt I don't think I know this person, but Angela knows them. I do know Angela. Yeah, but I'm going to keep them anonymous just in case. Okay. After a few obligatory travels and a tour of the old haunts,

we had decided to call it a night. Okay. We hailed down a taxi, but was told, sorry, love, already booked. Got you. Just then, there was a deluge of rain, you can tell they're a teacher. Jesus Christ, what the hell's going on here?

Causing us to seek shelter in front of what I think was the coop outside the gate. Is that the chicken place? I don't know. I don't know. No, me neither. But the gate, the gate's still there.

I believe the gate is still there in Newcastle. Or the cinema in some parts. Yeah, it's like a complex. Standing, trying to call taxis, waiting for the rain to cease, we suddenly noticed

a woman running in our direction. Get out the way! She shouted as she ran into us causing us to move out into the rain to cease, we suddenly noticed a woman running in our direction. Get out of the way, she shouted as she ran into us, causing us to move out into the rain. She stopped, started playing with the top of her trousers and as she began to take them halfway down, her thighs fell forward flat onto her face, down onto the disabled ramp.

Oh gosh. Face flat on the ramp, arse up in the air, it was then that a large stream of fluid started to emerge and run down the ramp. Heavens above. Confused and unable to process what was happening in front of my eyes, I asked my friend, have her waters broken? An odd question, you might think, but in my defence, there was so much fluid. No, my friend replied.

She's pissing on her own face. No one's helping her up. Not one person is helping this poor woman. Oh, look at that. Oh, she's doing well, is that

whatever? I believe she's just pissing onto the ramp and it's going down and probably going up on nostrils. Are you enjoying Newcastle? I am enjoying Newcastle, yeah.

Just at that moment from behind us we heard, hey, it's going up our nostrils. Lo and behold, it was the taxi driver who had only moments ago refused to take us. Turning back around to watch what had happened next we saw the woman

rise to her feet like a phoenix from the ashes grab her kebab from her mate and head away as if nothing ever happened oh my god fuck that

I'll take you home prompted the taxi driver and away we went all bonded by an experience that I don't think any of us will ever forget I can't believe they didn't

I can't believe they didn't recognise you it's me Angela's friend will ever forget. I can't believe they didn't recognise you. It's me. Angela's friend. It's all piss nose, Rosie. All piss nose. All piss nose, Rosie. All piss nose, Rosieie there she is i genuinely hand on i don't think i could finish a kebab if i just pissed up my own nostrils i don't think that's i think i'd have to throw that away so what

so the disabled ramp obviously yeah so she's right so the disabled ramp is obviously going up to a door, which is closed. And she has tried to wee in between, you know, in the corner of the top of ramp and said door. So it's like that. And she's tried to wee there, but she's fell forward onto her own face while pissing. The pisses went down the ramp. Gravity.

Onto her face from the bottom up. Why didn't anybody help her? Or is that one of the, actually, I don't know whether you would. Have you ever seen Irish Waterfall, where people normally smoke in joints, but they do it when they smoke cigarettes as well, where they take a big inhale and open their mouth. And they go up the nose. And they let it come out and they suck and it goes out of their mouth and up their nose.

She did that with piss. Oh, Jesus Christ. So, there we go. Visit Newcastle. Yeah, it's a great night out. Babadoo, babadoo, bab. So, there we go. Visit Newcastle. Yeah, it's great. I, uh, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo,

bah! Okay, I'm gonna read you this one. Mm. Um, I don't know if it's like funny, gross, or weird, or worrying.

Like, well, they all sound like our genre. Yeah, okay. So, go for it. Hi, Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. When I was a teenager,

I was a very shy, quiet, unassuming character. Not a straight a straight a student by any means but also not one to get in trouble very often like many a teenage boy i experimented with my sexuality quite a lot i.e i was a bit of a wanker yeah okay loved a wank not too unusual i know but being outside of my own bedroom didn't stop me oh christ i remember hearing one of the class hard nuts talking with almost admiration of one of his mates being caught jacking off in class. Oh, for God's sake. I thought, that's nothing, mate. I used to do it in class regularly.

Oh, no. How? I was an expert at doing it subtly. I was only ever caught once and I got away with it hugely. It was a girl who, rather than screaming or telling on me or whatever, took it very calmly and simply made fun of me whenever we met, saying, we know what you get up to in your spare time. This is horrible. I took it as a great result and ran with it.

Could have been so much worse, but in class wasn't the most ridiculous place i pleasured myself how sorry i can't think of anything worse all the blokes listening now can you remember what it was like to get a rogue hard-on in school it was horrible it was mortifying so sometimes you'd be sitting teenage boy you've got all kinds of hormones running around your body you know sitting in maths or geography or whatever you you know, other lessons available. Bing for no reason. And if it was close to time to leave or if you got asked to stand up or something,

oh my God. Because that was your fear. It would go bing for no reason. You'd be like, oh fuck, why has this happened? Do you know what I mean? What is it? What is it, boy? What do you see?

Bing, right? It was me walking in the door. Definitely wasn't you. Hello, everybody. It was all piss nose winter door. Definitely wasn't you. Hello, everybody. It's all piss-nosed winter. And, like, imagine, like, oh, you stand up and read a paragraph now. Absolutely not.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, oh, so the idea of wanting... I don't think I ever saw a rogue go down to school. I couldn't think of anything worse. I feel like you should be in prison. Oh, horrible little pervert. Carry on.

I once did it during an exam ugh well well what's a boy to do to pass the time when you finish way before the deadline I mean

oh my fucking god think to yourself I realise now of course that I was a little scumbag for these actions and I do not contone

public masturbation where are you putting your jizz anyway jizzy pants. Oh yeah. Oh my God. It must no disrespect or whatever

but you can't have a very big one. You couldn't do it could you? He must have got home. His mother washing those pants must have thought

he was fucking smuggling meringues from the bakery home. Ew. Dirty dirty little creature. Rotten innit? Hor Ew. Dirty, dirty little creature. Rotten, innit?

Horrible. Horrible. Shame on you. Okay. Sorry, I can't stop. Shame on you. If I was in his class and I saw him wanking in class, I'd have whacked him on the end of it with a ruler.

Would you? Sideways. Car. Ouch. See you later. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a would you rather for you.

Oh, I haven't had one of these for a while. Great. On the train, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a would you rather for you. Oh, haven't had one of these for a while. Great. On the train, would you rather sit next to someone with really smelly breath or someone who smells of sweat? Smelly breath is intense whiffs every couple of minutes.

Sweaty guy is the kind of low-key putrid smell that's just there. The journey is three hours. Oh, breath. No, nah. It'd have to be breath. Mine would have to be sweat. Really? I Oh, breath. No, not. It'd have to be breath. Mine would have to be sweat. Really?

I hate bad breath. Right. Like you're talking halitosis. Yeah, but it's just a whiff now and then you get a bit of respite. But then again, you could probably get used to the sweat. You'd get used to the sweat. Either way, I would get up and I wouldn't. I mean, I know it's not a choice, but I would get up.

I'd have to move. I can't. I'd have to stand in the vestibule I can't we've talked about this before we just watched All Quiet on the Western Front great film

on Netflix the other night unbelievable all I could think about was how much they would stink it's all I ever think about watching films we do this all the time whenever we watch Outlander

and they're always shagging I always just think fucking it must be ruined it awful down there it must be like a cheese and onion pasty down there I know I've just started

The Last Kingdom and that's very, very, like, I don't know when it's set, like, years and years ago. I think it's Olden Days. The Olden Days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And just, they're kissing and that, and I'm like, what the hell?

Nah. Yeah. Don't even own toothbrushes. It must have been disgusting. Yeah. Imagine. Bad, like, bad. I did it in my stand-up years ago but i've told

one of the worst train experiences i had was a guy who clearly he just had yeah he just had like a a very intense garlic based meal you know maybe some kind of pizza express with doorbells or whatever and he was sitting next to us and he was drinking stella and stella's a gassy beer and he would take a drink he would swallow it he would burp within his mouth so it would be it would be so picture this dear listener as I do this me sort of my mouth is it me lips are shut but my mouth's inflating with the gas so it was like and he would turn to me and go so what you been in London for every burp got blown into my face in the form of a sentence. It was

torture. What did you do? Sat there, gutted. I was brand new comic and I was like, just pinned in by these fellas. I was like, oh, I think it was, was it on my way back from Birmingham or London? One of the two. Oh God. Oh, it was dreadful.

Oh no, don't, because I can't listen. It was really bad. I'm talking like me fucking... I had me little emo hair there. Me fringe was probably wafting back in the wind. Oh, no, please don't. Garlic wind. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hello, Chris and Rosie. Hello. Something's happened, and I think it's podcast worthy. Let's do it. We've just been out to a lovely pub for my birthday meal. I'm 30 now good lord fuck you as me what nothing 37 check your privilege it's great man i love getting older stop it what now you what i think it is a real privilege to get older did i not tell you like i

i don't worry about age at all it doesn't bother us i you know i've got i think i've said before i've got friends who are like oh i, I'm 37. Shut up, man. You're a day older than you were yesterday. Shut up. I was watching the UFC, the ultimate fighter, which is like their, for want of a better phrase,

it's like their X Factor. So this season is Conor McGregor and Michael Chandler. One of them has got teams. Conor's got the team of the newcomers, guys who've never been in the UFC. And Michael Chandler's got the team of the newcomers guys who've never been in the ufc and michael chandler's got the team of the ufc veterans who were in the ufc got dropped from the ufc and now they're trying to get back in the ufc okay this is pretty cool veterans rosie veterans right chris just explain your story i'm telling you right now veterans yeah the old grizzled being in 25

one of them was 29 i could have cried I was nearly sick I know I was like oh the veterans and obviously they've been punched in the face for 20 years so they look rough

as fuck anyway but then it shows them at the beginning it's called tail of the tape so it's basically when they're about to fight each other

it tells you how long their arms are and how much they weigh and everything tail of the tape all their measurements sorry how long their arms are is a very important thing

it's called your reach Rosie what did you think just it's your reach if you've got a longer arm than someone else you can punch them and they can't punch you

yeah yeah 29 29 it's like well that's like football he's a grizzled oh the same wasn't it

wasn't Ryan when he was playing years ago and they were like not much he was like 35 he was 35 and they were like

he's over the hill get him a zimmer frame well I met Mason Mount at the UFC event and he was standing talking to us lovely lad and he did a great sketch

for Children in Need for her as I was talking to him I was just like oh my god you are so fucking young you are a child this is mad they're all fucking

it's upsetting anyway anyway this person's 30 check your privilege as me and my partner were leaving, there was a couple in front of us and my partner turned to me and said, that guy's got proper pants on.

Proper pants equals, like, Y-fronts. Oh, yeah, yeah. You like occasional little Y-fronts, don't you? I love a Y-front these days. Bloody love a Y-front these days. Yours are, like, tighter, though. They're quite nice. What do you mean?

Oh, yeah, they're not like... Not like Mr Bean. I don't like Rick Male in bottom. Yeah. Yeah. Mine are like... The ones I use for the gym but I've basically started

letting them bleed into me every day of my life. I know you have. I know you have. I don't mind them, mate. I'll tell you why. Why? The amount of times I'm walking

and I've got boxer shorts and the amount of times the little bits that are supposed to be halfway down your leg, they just ride up and I end up wearing basically a Y-front anyway. I think it's because I'm such an athlete now

with my jiu-jitsu and my gym. I think my thighs are so big, they just can't contain boxer shorts. I thought Jack Grealish was in the house the other day. Thank you. Finally, thank you. I asked how he knew this. He said he saw this guy and his wife slash girlfriend

walking across the car park the woman reached into her man friend's back pocket and discreetly pulled out his wedgie for him how disgusting never in a thousand years should anyone ever pull their partner's pants from climbing into their ass crack in public it shouldn't even happen in privacy in your own home never mind in a public car park. What the fuck was she doing? Why was it so discreet? Did he ask her to do it?

Is this a normal thing that they do? Do they have a code word? More importantly, Rosie, would you do this for Chris? Would you pull my wedgie out? No, why? What if I was wearing cream pants, the wedgie was giving us physical pain, but I was eating barbecue spare ribs so my hands

were covered in loads of stuff and yes i would this needs pulling out rosie i'm gonna get barbecue square spare ribs all over me yes i would but i'm also gonna start crying because the wedgie's hurting so much right i would yeah thank you very much i would not do the same for you oh great because i'll be honest with you if you're eating barbecue spare ribs, the chances are there's probably already sauce on your top and pants anyway. Yeah. Private parts are annoying, aren't they? I scratched my vagina in public the other day

and I was a little bit moist down below and I thought, has this come through my pants? I thought I'm going to be walking around. Sorry, there's a lot to unpack there. Fucking hell, man. It's just gross innit I just hate

I hate being a human what were you moist for what had been going on had you seen me thighs yeah no I'd picked out someone's wedgie in the car had you seen me thighs been thinking about me thighs

no yeah you've been thinking about me thighs Chris I think it was discharge wasn't sexual moist so there's different ones I might be might be turning 37 Chris

but I can still get wet like a slippery little 19-year-old. You know this, right? That's just... All of the last sentences you've said have had booby traps in them. Well, you dry up, don't you? Women dry up. Women are...

It's horrible. Complicated little things, isn't it? Isn't it? Soon, you know, I'll be dry as sticks down there. Okay, good. Yeah. I'll always have as sticks down there good yeah I was after somewhere to light a match

like a cowboy babadoo babadoo babadoo bah thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed as always we just

really appreciate you coming back week after week don't we two weeks in a row now what's it part of the Acast Creator Network god almighty it's literally the only

contracted thing we have to say everything else we can say anything else but we have to's a part of the ACAST creator network god almighty it's literally the only contracted thing we have to say everything else we can say anything else but we have to say a part of the ACAST creator network listen

it's two weeks in a row you haven't done it yeah but you've reminded us so it's alright yeah but it seems like you're being

strong armed into being part of the ACAST creator network I love being part of the ACAST creator network me too don't even dare we genuinely do

big love to ACAST bye guys bye to don't even date we genuinely do big love to Acast bye guys bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking

Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series this unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play