Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 232. Four Eighths

Episode Date: August 25, 2023

The Ramsey's are back from their holidays and not without some stories! There was a hospital trip and some fast food on the plane home. Rosie has been getting to know her fractions whilst Chris has been spreading the Cuddle Club word. There are some holiday beefs plus QFTP's involving stinky cleavage, a home birth and sex on the wedding night. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marinoid. We are back from our holidays. It's me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, still married.

Hello, still married after a holiday with ten adults and nine children. Why did it feel like there was more children than that? I just felt like there was so many children. So many children. There was just always a fucking child. And it was that thing of like, you hit the nail on the head. If we're on holiday, just us, or we're somewhere, just our kids, if Rafe's having a nap

and Robin's just sitting either you know playing with a toy or drawing on his iPad or on his Switch or something you can chill but I was very aware

that there was nine there was you know there was seven other kids about it was like someone's kid was always about I say there was eight kids really

because one of them she was like 15 or 16 or whatever but yeah it was just always a child running towards danger yeah but saying that we had a lovely time we did genuinely did to the point where everybody like all of the couples must have all been secretly really worried about it because they kept it got to like the third day and and just i was just chatting

with a couple of people and they were like it's been all right hasn't it and i was going yeah it is actually it's not that bad they're going yeah i'm really glad i'm thinking so you were dreading it as well i thought it was gonna be fights and arguments and shouting and screaming that was pretty fine got on great yeah and we're back we're back this is we're recording this the week that it comes out so we're recording this on tuesday and it comes out on the friday so we're back in real time math maths sorry that's very American they're just saying math dirty

dirty dropping the S off the maths but yeah all good it's not very nice to the Americans listening well you know I just meant

dirty trick you trying to be American but it's because we're watching Band of Brothers they think you're American everything most things we watch is American

yeah well there we go it's lovely to be back in your ears thank you so much for being here thank you so much for listening if you have from the beginning

if you haven't if you just joined well welcome hello it's episode 232 It's lovely to be back in your ears. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. If you have from the beginning, if you haven't, if you just joined, well, welcome. Hello. Welcome to episode 232. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. How are you then? This week's sponsor is...

I don't think I've done it before. I've tried. I've looked, but I might have done, but I'm not sure. But this week's sponsor is... Sitting on the side of the kids' pool and acting surprised when you get splashed. Oh, yeah.

Fucking move then, mate. Yeah. Oh. Are you talking about the couple on holiday? A few people did it. Who our kids kept splashing. A few people did it. And the woman looked like she was going to stab someone.

And I was like, are you aware of where you are? You are fucking, there is a fucking set of five slides, 10 yards from your face. Of you're gonna get wet you may but for me it's the ones that sit in the pool they sit on the edge of the pool and they have their legs dangling in the pool and then a kid jumps in and they go oh god yeah oh god it burns it burns you're you're half of you's in the pool cheer your fucking bracket ridiculous mate a good tactic i got to was covering my gin and tonic just with me hand. Oh yeah, you looked.

So no pool water got in. No, yeah, you looked like some kind of alcoholic sitting on the side of the pool. Why? Yeah, you looked just like I turn to watch the kid as it just sitting there

don't get the pool water and it waters down me alcohol. If you think that I'm not drinking. It's my day and I haven't had sex yet. One o'clock. One o'clock. That's when I start.

Something like that, yeah. I love, I love daytime drinking on holiday. Daytime drinking's amazing. It's the best. It's the reason you drinking on holiday daytime drinking's amazing it's the best it's the reason you go on holiday one of me mates turned to us

during the holiday and said he didn't like he was like I'll have a drink during the day but they just taste better on a night don't they I went

no absolutely not I completely disagree there was nothing better than a beer during the day in the sun you fucking lunatic what do you mean

it tastes better on a night I actually I could go as far to say as I could drink all of my drinks if you had to have an allowance if the world was like you're only allowed heaven forbid god i mean imagine somebody just put me in prison um if someone was like right you only have six drinks you can space them out yeah no no no no you can't even space them out because that would be the

answer you can only have them during the day on holiday or on a night time I'd be like daytime absolutely I picture the day a million percent

during the day around the pool sober up have my dinner have some water go to sleep wake up the next day fresh as fuck ready to start drinking again

possibly an hour earlier than the day before go hot or go home yeah so yeah but yeah stop it stop sitting on the side of the pool

and acting surprised I was in our local swimming pool in South Shields the other day. Haven Point. Big up. Yeah, Haven Point. Don't know what I like better though.

Sorry. No offence to Haven Point. I just loved Temple Park Leisure Centre. I've spoken about this before. Sorry everyone. I just can't. When you talk about how you preferred the old Leisure Centre pool to the new one

in our local area, you annihilate, you alienate a good 99.9% of our listeners. Okay, I'm really sorry. There's hundreds of thousands. But all I'm going to say is. No, no one cares.

No, no, I just want to say something. My mum. But no, it's not going to mean anything to anyone. No, okay, so it wasn't my mum, it was my Auntie Kathleen, they're very similar, they look the same.

Brilliant, so it's already bullshit. My Auntie Kathleen took her granddaughter swimming and she said there was loads of bigger kids jumping in and they were like ruining the experience for the younger kids, right?

And I was like, wouldn't happen at Temple Park because there was a diving pool do you remember there was a diving pool you could jump in the diving pool and you could stand at the window at the bottom

and wave at your mates and you'd be in there a good hour and the little kids could go and there was a wave machine the waves would come on the slide was better I just

but maybe it's because I was a kid no it's not it's because I'm so sorry to everyone listening here what it is is they get it

because everybody's lived in a local town where they've changed the leisure centre you know what it is they've spent billions of pounds and actually we're like the old one

it's like when it's like when your favourite food comes out with new improved recipe written on the front and you go fucking great yeah 30% less sugar

Coco Pops go fucking get in the bin oh that's ruined I remember during Covid when I thought I had Covid but it was because your mum had bought beans with no sugar in Fucking great. Yeah, 30% less sugar, Cocoa Pops, go fucking get in the bin. Oh, that's ruined. I remember during COVID when I thought I had COVID, but it was because your mom had bought beans with no sugar in. I thought I'd lost my taste. I was like, I've got it.

I've got it. Oh no, she's just bought shit beans. I don't remember. Yeah, yeah. I don't remember. It was horrible. I think everyone has had a, everyone in, you know, if you live in a small town where you've got one leisure centre,

if they've ever changed the leisure centre, it is harrowing. But the reason they've changed it is because it's, our leisure centre now has got a proper swimming pool for people to do lengths. Yeah.

Whereas the old one didn't have that. But it did have a diving pool. And I've just unlocked a memory that I'd forgot about. Oh, really? So that diving board at the old leisure centre

was incredible. You know, movie one. Oh, it was mega? It wasn't, yeah, but it wasn't one of the, so there was one about half an hour away

in Tynemouth which had the levels where it went up to like the big high one I never went on that one but I heard rumours that it was amazing but then the one where

you had the bouncy diving board and you could go dead deep and you were alright and the water was freezing water was freezing and you went deep enough and there was a window in the side of it

and you could wave to your mates and stuff and we all me and three of my friends and the guy in the diving pool all got kicked out one day because he came one of the

a mate of mine jumped in went down the window and got his knob out of the window and we all got kicked out oh no so you know good riddance

right good riddance to the old knob portholes thankfully I never seen any knobs yeah what this new Haven Point doesn't have which the old leisure centre

did have as well was the cameras in the changing rooms that pedo got done and he's in prison now good I say again good riddance

good riddance you know what bloody well done I'm glad they changed the leisure centre fuck me that was a rollercoaster of emotions sorry that was really intense

so I remember some lads in my school they made a website and it was just like you know when some lads in my school, they made a website, and it was just like, you know, when people first learned how to make websites, they made this website with funny things on it, like daft drawings of like chavs and stuff,

and like Smoker's Corner at school. It was all these funny jokes and stuff. Good times. And they had a thing, and they said, oh, we've put, it was dead clever at the time. They said on the page, they just said, oh, we've put a camera

in the toilets at the leisure center, oh, we'll put a camera in the toilets at the leisure centre. Right? We'll put a camera and it's a camera where it updates every 30 seconds. So it takes...

Maybe it was them? No, but listen. They said it takes a photo every 30 seconds and everyone used to watch it all the time. Used to go on their website and used to watch this camera

all the time and wait for it to catch up. That's horrendous. Right. They got dragged into the headmaster's office because people were talking about it.

They just took a photo of the toilet and every 30 seconds it flashed on the website and we were fucking gathered around the computers in the IT room. That's hilarious.

And they had our lives. But what a clever, there were only like 15. How clever. That is clever. Really clever. I remember at the time thinking you fucking

little devious bastards. But yeah, it was like, they literally took a photo of a toilet. I don't think your school got the internet until way after mine. I genuinely think you're right. Wasn't your school religious? Were they not scared of the internet?

Probably. Get your nose off that internet and open this Bible. I don't remember having the internet at school but my memory's so shit I remember having the acorn computers but there wasn't I don't remember having the internet

by the way my school I went to was very good big up St. Little Prince it's a very good school listen we better crack on because if we keep we've got to get the intro going on and I might have to go you've got to go to cuddle club

I might have to go to cuddle club we might have to cut this in half so I'm going no I'm not halfing because then the vibes change might have to I've got to take loads of parcels we might have to cut this in half so I can go and no I'm not halfing because then the vibes change might have to I've got to take loads of parcels

back might have to what I've chose something to wear for the national television awards oh god no one cares

no one cares I care you've chose something to wear yeah the amount of time you spend guys the amount of time

Rosie spends in a room in this house just trying stuff on yeah it's disgusting in there it's disgusting I hate myself it's just shit

all over the floor ASOS bags Amazon parcels awful do you know how many times i have to change my bra do you know how many times i'm walking around the house and i check and i come up and you go what do you think of this and then what's horrible is you put something on you go what do you think of this i love this this looks great doesn't it and i go yeah that looks great then you go actually this bit's funny and it's yeah and then he's thinking i don't know because you've got to think you go from loving bit's funny and it's yeah and then he's thinking I don't want to hate it you go from loving it to

hating it within 10 seconds because you've got to think about it's not just a night out where you can be sat down with

your mates and you don't care it's important vote for when the NTA is by the way if you can oh yeah thank you thank you

let's get this come on you know what it is don't because then I don't have to get up still got to go

oh but you don't have to get up don't have to get up although I'll be pissed by then I won't mind it's the beginning bit on the red carpet I'm going to get hammer. Still got to go. Oh, but you don't have to get up. Don't have to get up. All right, okay. Although I'll be pissed by then, I won't mind.

It's the beginning bit on the red carpet. I'm going to get hammered for the red carpet. Pissed? Yeah, fuck it. I'll sober up by the time. I'm doing the acceptance

speech then because you'll make a right fucking scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good God. Right, jingle. Let's do it. Shit, that was just

the introduction. Here's the jingle. The jingle, jungle. Drangle, Mr. Drangle. You banged on a bit. You banged on. Tell you've been on holiday.

Shh. Shut up. We banged on a bit. Dream is born. Oh, you can tell you've been on holiday. Shh! Shut up! We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jingle!

Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged and Married and Owey. Thanks for coming back. Yeah. Or just joining me. Yeah. I've started a new podcast series. There's no other podcast.

There's loads, Chris. There's absolutely loads. I'm listening to some really good ones at the minute. Non, non, non, non, non. Don't give them a shout out. Don't. I won't because actually, I don't know if it... I had to go right because it's been on for years.

Don't fucking shout us out. It's been on for years. It's got like 300 episodes, similar to our, no, sorry, like, yeah, it's got loads. Oh, excuse me. I've got burps, burp skulls, burp skulls.

Just when we're playing the jingle there, Rosie burped and then said to me, deadly serious, I love the sound of burps, but just me own. And then you said you love that you burp, you burp, and then you're really impressed by the sound of your burp

yeah anybody else's I feel physically sick great back to my story so I started at the beginning and this guy was explaining the podcast and how it's evolved over the years and it changed from something in beginning I was like I can't be arsed to this so I don't know what to do I don't know whether to start now what's it about narcissists called's called Narcissist Apocalypse okay and he spends the first bit of it banging on

about how his own podcast has changed over the years yeah people in glass houses people in glass houses my friend it started off I think what happened was

this is our podcast about narcissists and this is why it's fucking brilliant and out of class no it's not like that listen it started off

I bet he's got his knob out when he's doing it would you I bet he's got his knob out when he's doing it. Would you... I bet he's got both hands around his balls. I bet he's got one hand on his shaft

and I bet he's got one hand on his balls with the middle finger touching his arse ring. Shaft's a horrible word. There we go and I've got her off the topic of whatever shitty podcast

she was talking about. So here we go. Now listen, we have to crack on because I possibly will be going to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu halfway through this

if we don't because I haven't been to the main house but listen we're going to start calling it Brazilian Jiu Jitsu we're always going to start calling it

or BJJ or Jits right we're not calling it Cuddle Club all of them sound like things that you do with penises

right Cuddle Club sounds even worse because right this is a message I got this is a voice note I got

of the guy who's doing our solar panels right now i know him i wouldn't consider yeah lovely bloke i wouldn't consider him a close friend but i know him i get on them well he's a very nice guy but people doing services like solar panels on our house shouldn't be sending me messages like this okay what's it say hi mate hope you're all right um I'm just, I'm going to be over your way in about an hour or so. I don't know whether you're in or if you've got Cuddle Club today, I'm not sure. Why? Why is this happening? People doing services in our house should not be referring to my hobby as Cuddle Club.

I'm seeing it as a joke on here. It's not... If people start seeing it in general public, people are going to hurt me at this gym now. If I started making people call a cuddle, I'm going to get hurt, man. So funny. Dragging it into the gutter. Oh, I love that. Something really interesting happened yesterday i'll be the

judge of that haven't spoken about it because obviously we'll keep we'll keep a lot of things secret until until we talk on here i was watching storybots with wraith it's on netflix so it's all right actually storybots a bit weird but it's good it's quite gentle isn't it yes nice it's nice um it was all about fractions okay i swear to god you learn you learn fractions then i've learned fractions how many years are you at school seriously how many years five five in secondary school yeah three in the juniors two in the night so 10 years on a four juniors isn't it 11 years right right yeah 11 years yeah never ever ever. Yeah, 11 years. Yeah. Never, ever, ever understood fractions, right? Only ever really knew a half, right?

Only ever knew a half. Did you know that the number on the bottom is how many bits there is? Yes. Right, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. So like one... So three fifths is if there was a pie with five bits. Rosie, everyone knows this. And you take three of them away. Chris, I didn't know that. So like one... So three fifths is if there was a pie with five bits. Rosie, everyone knows this.

And you take three of them away. Chris, I didn't know that. I can't believe it. I swear. I can't believe this. I didn't understand it and I've always just blocked it out because I just thought I don't know what it is. It's too complicated.

Watching Storybots yesterday. Thank you, Storybots, because I now know what fractions are. Wow. So do you know what four eighths is four eighths is if there's a pie and there's eight bits you take four away or if you simplify that down uh-huh how would you simplify it down so if the numbers divide equally by the same thing so if it's you're gone go on so what is four eighths so if it's what you gone gone so what is four eighths so if it's

what is four out of eight four what what is as a fraction what is four out of eight well I've just what do you mean

so it's four eighths right so it's four out of eight what is four out of eight as a fraction it's not four eighths there's a there's a there's a cleaner way to represent it oh okay there you go so it's half yeah it's two two fourths two quarters is a half four eighths is a half so you you're thinking it down like that no i'd like i just like what

they did i'm sorry right there was five There was five fishes that took three away. Just a yes or no. Did you understand it? Because they mainly represented them with pies. Oh, it was fish actually. All food then. Yeah. Living fish.

Yeah, but you were thinking, you were watching and thinking, oh, there's batter on that, and a bit of bread. It was tea time. I'm just buzzing. I'm honestly buzzing. So you've learned fractions finally.

Learned fractions. Congratulations. And you learned North, South, East, West with a sun when you were looking at houses. I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. So congratulations. Everything's coming up, Milhouse. There we go.

And do you know what? I jokingly slagged off your school earlier on in the podcast and then we said no we're joking I take that back

I'm slagging off again I don't even think it's the school's fault I just think I didn't I'm joking because Carl Hutchinson went to your school

and he's a very clever boy yeah fair enough but you didn't listen because you wanted to be a pop star didn't you I did yeah or a lifeguard

great it's devil park devil park and then they changed You wanted to be a pop star, didn't you? I did, yeah. Or a lifeguard. Great. It's Devil Park. It's Devil Park. And then they changed the measure. And you went, fuck that. Not anymore. There's no window. I'm not going to see if they're drowning.

I'll have to get in and get wet. You're joking, aren't you? I'm busy cutting this pie into eight fourths. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So we have been on holiday, which was lovely. Yeah. And while away, as I always do with everything, I just note some stuff down.

Oh, good for you. So we had... Is this lagging me off? No, no, not at all. We had an extremely eventful day once on holiday. First of all, something happened to us that I've never imagined what actually happened but we got on the plane in newcastle and someone was freaking out and

screaming that they needed to get off the plane oh yeah yeah a guy a kid got off the plane and his whole family i gave the plane because he was like having a panic attack or something yeah that's the beginning of final destination yeah i didn't have a great flight i hit it well i knew you wouldn't i did not you brought it up a couple of times yeah i was like have a great flight i hit it well i knew you wouldn't i did not you brought it up a couple of times yeah i was like as a joke i was like oh do you think he knew something we didn't and then i saw every bit of turbulence oh god oh i'm surprised there wasn't a hole in my pants that my arsehole hadn't chewed through so that was fun yeah um but we made it both ways there and back um but one day once you're sorry once you you're on the plane you're past the point

of no return just accept it why be scared for the full flight just accept your fate because I don't want to fucking happen every time I get on a flight

you know once it takes off in the air I go I could die here yeah yeah yeah and then I'm like well fair enough I've got on haven't I every flight is my last flight

and I also believe right you know we were talking about multiple no it's fine we were talking about multiple universes and that a while ago

I believe that every time I've been on a flight I've died right why because I think it's forked off into another reality and I think

I'm in the reality I'm in this reality where I've lived in each one of them but I think a version of me has died on every flight great

so it's just I don't know how you can be bothered to think about stuff like that just live the life you're living it just pops in the air I don't think I don't know how you can be bothered to think about stuff like that just live the life you're living it just pops in your own lane

I don't think I don't sit there and go and force the thought in my head just crack on I am in my lane but I'm just saying I'm thankful that I'm on the reality where I've survived all of them

but I think every single plane I've been on has crashed and a version of me has died right okay do you know what I mean a version of me dies sitting next to you

oh very good and a version of me has died. Right, okay. Do you know what I mean? A version of me dies sitting next to you. Oh, very good. There's just always a thing, isn't there, Chris? What? That's my thing with you. There's just always a thing. You want communication. No, do you know what it is? No, no, no, no.

I don't want, I want less communication. That's the thing. The thing with you is. No, there's always a thing that just gets you out of having the kids. It's always a thing. That's how it is.

Anxiety on the flight oh don't talk to us don't look at us i can't but your kids need i can't i'm no anxiety all right okay i'm gonna listen my anxiety i'm riddled with it yeah every event that we have from now on i'm gonna be up to here all right great but we'll both we'll both be up to there it's gonna be a lovely environment for everyone and i'll be able to keep it up you'll see he's having a laugh he'll be like I thought you were anxious he'll be like oh no I am

what's that smile on your face but at the same time I don't want to take the piss because I know that yeah but the thing I'm talking about isn't an anxiety it's just a little thought

that I've got about no but you're that like you're that kind of person me best mate Steph me best friend in the world Steph is exactly the same

yous are both but do you never have like a near death or a little moment where you go oh that was a close shave and I think oh okay

maybe we just branched off there and maybe a version of me fucking never no never ever hands down

swear down on everybody's life who I know I've never thought oh god that was a close call coming round that roundabout there but a better version of me in one of their life has just died.

No, this is so weird. Okay, so what if I could map out every time I think it's happened in my life and represent it as a pie being chopped?

Then I would understand it because now I am Mrs. Fraction. As you know. No, sorry, we went right off. It's okay.

So I had the flight. Chris Ramsey on Earth C11445 died. But this one's still alive. So... Lucky me. Ray hurts his foot on holiday is what I'm getting at. Oh, yes. We had a hospital trip.

We did. Of course we did. Of course we did. We're the Ramseys. So Ray hurts his foot. What day does he hurt his foot? Saturday night. The day before everything's closed.

Oh, yeah. Because he's everything's closed. Oh, yeah. Because he's a Ramsey. Yep, yep, yep. Just like Robin went randomly cross-eyed the first day of lockdown when all the opticians were shut. Rafe's done this. So, basically, he was limping on it the next day.

He was limping on his little foot. Oh, man. It was sad, wasn't it? So, we're talking to the reception and we're saying, like, can you get the doctor out? And we're like, well well the doctor doesn't really look at that stuff

and then just a beautiful moment oh yes this was a beautiful moment so there was a guy behind I thought you were going to save this

for stand up no I don't know this story no I don't think I am so there was a guy behind the sorry just to let you behind the curtain

Chris has a lot of life events and they either go on here or they go in his stand-up. Yeah, but I'm partially retired from stand-up and I don't think I'll be on that tour for a while. Come on then.

Basically, we're standing and we're telling this lady behind the desk about it and there's a, she is obviously Portuguese but she speaks wonderful English. Again, they put us to shame, everyone in every country in Europe. There's another guy behind the desk he looks in good Nick and he is English isn't as good but he's very helpful man and he comes around the side and he's like looking at

Rafe's foot and he's moving it around like and he'd said to me previously bring him and I'll have a look the first time I went to reception I thought who the fuck is this guy I thought was either like the local you know is he the resident doctor or trainee nurse or whatever. She's doing this as a side job. So the lady's telling me where the nearest hospital is and she's showing my map on the phone. And the guy's moving Rafe's foot

and he's saying certain things to her. Then he looks at me and he goes, I think the foot's fine in my opinion. And I went, right. And I looked at her and I went, sorry, what's he talking about? Is he qualified? Is he a physio so and then she said something to him in portuguese and then he shouted something back and it got a little bit heated and i went sorry what is this man's

what's his qualifications how does he know and she looked at us like she fucking hated him and wanted him to die and she rolled her eyes and she went oh he does crossfit it was a really beautiful moment he does crossfit and he went bright red and started

fucking screaming at her and she oh it was just that thing of like in a moment where they're both

speaking a language that I've got no clue I know a couple of words in Portuguese just off watching the UFC because loads of the fighters are Brazilian and i'm totally in the dark in this moment until this one phrase he does cross and then their entire relationship is exactly the same as so many people i know yeah it's fucking beautiful it was nice beautiful so then we go to the hospital it

was i wrote everything down as it happened we went to the hospital we got a little checked in we sat on the chairs it's boiling hot a lady came in with a pram and wheeled the pram and stopped you'd forgot about this oh god

she stopped the pram right in front of us right by us the way in I imagine the Ritz they bring up the dessert trolley

yeah or like in a posh restaurant if they're making the pancakes and that next to you yeah crepe suz like if they're in a posh restaurant, if they're making the pancakes and that next to you. Yeah. Crips, is that? Yeah.

Wow, pancakes in a posh restaurant? In really posh French restaurants, they reel out the little gas fire thing. And they do it in front of you. And you make a brand new crepe. Well, yeah, so exactly like that. So we're sitting with Rafe, and she wheeled a pram right up in front.

So much space in that place. First of all, she checked in the toilets. There was a disabled toilet right next to her she didn't fancy that there was no baby changer right so she brought her pram out of the

right in front of her yeah like look at this presentation I'm about to do and changed the fucking most putrid

shitty nappy in the hottest room in the world when it's not your kids shit it's the most disgusting smell why did she do that hola get a fucking eyeful of this.

Why didn't you take them in the toilet? The toilet was, I went in after. It was so much space. It was massive. There was so much space in the entire room. She did it on her buggy. And all I could think was, there's going to be a bit of shit on that buggy.

But she just wheeled him in front of her like, sir, your dessert. Oh, fucking horrendous. I was like, that's a nice little set of balls you got there, sunshine. Absolutely horrendous. Then like that's a nice little set of balls you got there sometime absolutely horrendous then um what well it doesn't doesn't stop there so we went upstairs for the x-ray to be fair though it was a brilliant place they were incredible in and out in a lot cheaper than we thought it would be because it was a private one wasn't it because she said the one that wasn't private she was you'll never get seen so we traveled a little

bit further and it was amazing actually yeah it was literally like it was i think it was around about 70 euros yeah the consultation doctor nurse doctor x-ray in and out in an hour yeah which you know holiday insurance you get it back from so yeah anyway so we'll go in we'll go in upstairs for the x-ray and the guy's like well x-ray only one person can come in so we go in, we go in upstairs for the x-ray and the guy's like, well, x-ray, only one person can come in. So you go in and I just hear screaming

and shouting and there's hell on and Rafe won't put his leg in the services. He's not good. So the guy went from only one person allowed in to popping his head out and going,

you need to come in as well, sir. So I go in as well and they've got the thing and he's going, right, put his leg here and hold his leg. And I went, right, hold his leg. And I held his leg down. You held the top of him and I held his leg still. He's going, right, put his leg here and hold his leg. And I went, right, hold his leg. And I held his leg down.

You held the top of him and I held his leg still. And the guy ran behind that fucking nuclear bomb-proof wall that they were behind. And I turned and looked at you and you had all the gear on. You had a fucking welder's mask. You had a metal jacket on. All of the protective gear. And I was in my swimming shorts and a t-shirt

sunglasses on my head and I looked at the guy through the tiny little window he's behind the fucking blast proof door and he came back out and he went move the thing again and I'm thinking you're doing another one so they explained him again and he took all the gear off you and I went do I not get any of that he went I've only got one and then we walked back out

and I went oh I might get superpowers he went we've only got one and then we'll walk back out yeah and i went uh i went oh my god superpowers he went you might i was like alternate universe you there we are alternate so there's two we branched off into two there one got ill the other one he's climbing buildings now and fighting crime yeah so and i'm stuck in this fucking shit over you have you thought about it since the what the x-ray i thought about for most of the day did you i thought about it for most of the day did you oh god I thought about it for most of the day I was like what's gonna happen here

I think at one point I stood up a bit too fast and I got dizzy and I was like oh it's the gamma the gamma's got us here I am I'm turning

oh no Bruce Bruce where's your gun Bruce finish off with trip finish off with trip finish off with trip the last part I didn't say the last part

what's the last part the young girl just as we were leaving oh yeah yeah on your holidays that you paid to go on yeah so just as we're leaving

the there was something about that that waiting area and that hospital so just as we're leaving you were like come on you got we'd been in for ages

come on you little shit there's no the matter with you yeah you walked rave walked out of that place fine so he walked out um and you left me there was sticker books and bluey toys and everything and i'm putting them all back in the bag and just as i'm like crouched down put them all back in the bag uh a lady a lady and a little girl walked in and stood next to me and it was almost like she'd picked next to me again. The little girl came in sort of crying and coughing a bit, stood right next to me, got out a fully transparent, it was a transparent bag, but it was transparent,

but it was also scaffolded. So have you ever seen a climber, the little bag that they have their chalk in? No. So it keeps its shape, shape its integrity even when there's nothing in it so the tops it's like the tops almost like uh structure rigid and then the bottom of the bag do you know what i mean it's like a like a pocket of a snooker table kind of thing all right okay so it's not like flat it's it's open it stayed open and almost like a massive

condom right it's like a massive condom so she gets this transparent giant condom bag out literally two feet from me face starts having the most sick I've ever seen come out of someone's head but like it was literally

like you're like come on Ruth we're going it was like the universe went you're not done yet Ramsey look up and I just

I'm putting a fucking sticker book in the bag and I was just and the bag was just filling and fit so I just I probably left some toys in there I wonder if it was like

a sick bag I think it was like a proper sick bag so it fits she might be sick all the time god love her or she was in the hospital and she'd been given

this specific bag or she was somewhere and she'd been given this is the specific sick bag you get because if you're sick all the time why is she in the hospital for it I don't know

you love making stuff worse what I just feel being sick is horrible isn't it? Oh it's the worst yeah I mean yeah it's almost as bad as packing a child's

bag sweating being someone being sick right in your fucking face. I held my breath and ran out. What did you think about that for the

rest of the day? I think you caught a sickness bug. If anything I thought maybe the x-rays helped keep the germs away. Do you know what I

mean? You are the worst person. I wish like we could have went back in time and I'd have said I mean? You are the worst person. I wish, I wish like, we could have went back in time and I'd have said, I'll not bother with the thing

because I'm not asked. Like, let him wear all that stuff because I'm not going to hear the end of this because in three years time, something's going to happen and Chris is going to go,

it was that time when that x-ray. Yeah. You, fucking honestly, you look like a bomb. You look like someone fully kitted out for bomb disposal

and I look like a bystander who was caught in the cross out for bomb disposal. Oh, I know, yeah, yeah. And I look like a bystander who was caught in the crossfire. Yeah, I don't think they should let you do that. Twice he turned it on. Twice. Inside of the foot,

top of the foot. Now wrong with a kid. There's me growing an extra arm. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation.

Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Ladies first. Yes, I've got two. You've got two? Well, they're kind of intertwined with each other. Okay. I'm just going to say

them very quick because they're very they're very obvious but it just keeps happening and I don't know how I'm going to live my life anymore so every night on holiday

I had both the kids in bed with me you're in the next room sound asleep still moaned about not getting enough sleep which I found extremely rude and irritating

okay but I had the kids okay every night making sure they weren't too hot making sure they weren't too hot, making sure they weren't too cold.

They kept saying stuff in the middle of the night but you know, I just cracked on, got on with it. Seven nights, Christopher. Seven nights I did that. Playing home, had both of them.

You were sat in a different seat. You were sat somewhere completely different so I had both the kids. Got home, right? Are you not telling everyone why I sat in a different aisle? Oh, well,

oh no. All our friends bought Burger King and they were all sitting eating Burger King and I couldn't sit with them. Poor young little Finn, he's only five, had a Burger King. He's six.

And you were going to sit six. He's six and he had fucking loads of Burger King. You were going to sit next to him and you had to move and I literally had to tell you to apologise because it was the rudest thing ever. You were like, I can't sit here.

Right, so... I was like, I've been six, you dickhead. Much means he's going to get a Burger King all over us I'm not sitting next to someone eating fast food on public transport is my fucking

worst thing you know that you've now made Robin like that I was having a packet of prone what's it best crisps ever

the big ones last night and Robin was like you've got crisps Robin's exactly the same as me but Robin moved away from the Burger King first.

And then I was like, I'm not fucking sitting next to Burger King. So I went up the plane. I'm not having it. So embarrassed to be with you. Stop taking Burger King on public. Stop taking Burger King on my phone. You had a Subway. It's not a hot, greasy, smelly fucking thing.

It was a cold salad sandwich. Anyway, sandwich. Oh, shut up. Sandwich, I said. So every morning on holiday, you wouldn't come out of that room for like 15, 20 minutes while I was with the kids. I wasn't awake. Right.

No, do you know what you said to me? What? Because we got home and you had the kids. You got up with the kids, God forbid. And they got up at, I don't even think they got up early. Anyway, we were just moaning about being tired. And I was like, I don't even know how you've got the goal to say that you're tired when you've had seven nights of sleep without them

don't don't dare try to interrupt me right now because i'm fuming and then and i said and not just that you're like in the morning you wouldn't even come through and you were just like having a lovely time and you told me do you remember do you remember what you told me. Do you remember? Do you remember what you told me? This is 100% true. Yeah. You said, I just, I can't because in the morning I've sometimes got an erection. I always got an erection. Thank you very much.

I just don't think that that's an excuse. I can't come through fucking flagpole. Put it in a waistband or something. What? Oh, just come through. Yeah, there's daddy with his bellend popping over the top of his pants here.

Oh, what's this? What's this, everyone? You've got them. They're going to have to know one day. I'm not walking in with a full on stutter. Why have you got an erection every day? Because it's called morning glory and you get it. Every day?

Every morning you wake up with it. When's that going to stop? When I'm older it stops. Oh, well, you're still in the prime of life. I'm still in the prime of life. But it's not an excuse to not get up with your kids. So stop using it as an excuse. But it is.

I've got to go down. No. I'm not running. I'm not running in hey hey kids what do you remember about holidays

dad running in the room with a fucking full on erection in his boxer shorts but we could all play a little morning game of

do the the spin on the doughnut on the elephant's trunk elephant's trunk I'll take that so another a previous beef just a little shout out here a previous beef you had with me Elephant's trunk, I'll take that So another previous beef, just a little shout out here

a previous beef you had with me is that I slag stuff off and then I end up enjoying it I was at my mate Jason Cook's party, birthday party the other day and I just want to give a little shout out to the North East based murder mystery Alright

Is that their tagline? That were there. No, no, they're called, I think they're called Tall Tales Mysteries. It's not Tall Takes, but I think my phone, as I typed it down, half pissed,

has changed it. But I think they're called Tall Tales Mysteries. I would say it was called Tall Tales, not Tall Takes. So they're basically... Was it good? Well, I was sitting in the party and I'm sitting outside

on like a little terrace thing. We're having a chat and four people walked in who I didn't recognise. And I was like, well, who are these? walked in who I didn't recognise and I was like well who are these and Jason was like shut up

and I was like who the fuck are these people you're fucking terrible yeah he was like I was like who the fuck you can't be talking

you do this on holiday yeah yeah when I walk past someone and slag them off and you go what what what tell us and I'm like

walk and pass them and I've just slagged them off yeah I can't do it so stop it so we were watching the American office recently and there's

a bit where they're doing gossiping. They're gossiping about something and Michael Scott says, if someone doesn't tell us, I'm going to start screaming. That's you. If someone doesn't tell us, I'm going to start screaming. That's basically my motto in life. So I was like, who the fuck are these people?

And he was like, shut up, man. And I was like, who the fuck are they? And he went, I've booked a murder mystery. And I went, oh, you fucking prick. I went, for God's... I went, Jason, I don't like organised fun. I hate shit like this. Literally five minutes into it. I was, for God's... I went, Jason, I don't like organised fun. I hate shit like this. Literally five minutes into it.

I was like, everyone shut up! A man has been murdered and we need to solve this. She was great. You're ridiculous. Really enjoyed it. I don't know why... Tall tales, tall tales, mysteries.

You hate everything until you do it. Yeah, and then I was well into it. And instead of just going, oh, this could be good and then maybe not liking it. It's really... Yeah, I know. Oh, it's a horrible way to live.

Awful, isn't it? But I did enjoy it by the end. Do you know what else is horrible? What? Having to be the person going through your life with you. Living like that. It is. I'm not even joking.

It's horrible. To anybody else out there who's married to a negative Nora, weirdly, you've got better. You have got better. You used to be horrendous. When you are dark in your like deep dark comedy years

you were awful comedians funny fuck that they're not yous aren't funny yous are depressive narrow minded

opinionated twat bags fantastic yous are can I get that quote for a poster yeah definitely three stars

thank you very much three yous are my beef with you oh it's 11.11 oh that means nothing it means all of the things I said are true Yeah, definitely. Three stars. Thank you very much. Three? These are? My Beef With You. Oh, it's 11.11. Oh, that means nothing. It means all of the things I said are true. No, no.

It means stay with me anyway. I'm not going anywhere. Listen, My Beef With You, this has been going on for quite some time now, and I'm fed up with it, right? And I want to live my life freely, and I'm sick of it. Okay.

I will not be held hostage by sausages anymore. Oh, I know. No, I agree. Guys, what happens is for some reason every sort of month or so, maybe less,

Rosie will go shopping and she'll come back with a pack of sausages. No one in this fucking family eats sausages. You come back with a pack of sausages no one in this fucking family eats sausages you come back with a pack and you put them in it and you go

I've got sausages for tea and everyone goes oh fucking hell and then you go oh your favourite phrase is I'm going to make a toad in a hole you've never

you've made one the whole time I've known you right and and it went wrong like literally so say there's six days on the sell by date

of these sausages I am these sausages are held over my head for nearly a week and every meal it's like there's sausages i'm like i'm having cereal i don't want sausages we're going for me hey it's your birthday we're going for a meal tonight there's sausages in the fridge no i've told you i'm not buying them stop buying them i'm not gonna fucking eight sausages in the fridge. No! I've told you I'm not buying them anymore. Stop buying them. I'm not going to. There's fucking eight sausages in the freezer.

Yeah. And I'm telling you, they will come out of there when we get a new freezer. I know, I'm sorry. Stop it. I know, we're not a sausage family. We're trying.

Honestly, when I've got friends... They take ages to cook. They take ages to cook. It's a big old fucking... Splat that fat everywhere. It's a big old meal. When someone says to me, oh, I had a sausage sarnie for my breakfast,

I'm like, fucking hell, that's you done for the day then. Christ alive. I had a sausage sarnie for my breakfast I'm like fucking hell that's you done for the day then Christ alive I know it's like a fucking burger no Rafe doesn't Rafe doesn't like meat yeah he's weird isn't he

yeah he's like meat I mean it's not weird I should be a vegetarian but it's hard because I'm a Robin no but my point is he doesn't like meat but it's not like

he's took a moral choice no I'm not saying it's weird not eating meat if you don't eat meat that's fine I'm saying it's weird that a baby has gone

how dare murder animal cruelty it's weird not eating meat. If you don't eat meat, that's fine. I'm saying it's weird that a baby has gone, how dare, murder? Animal cruelty? It's not what I mean. Yeah. But yeah, stop buying sausages. I am, I am. I've stopped.

And threatening me. I've stopped. At sausage point. I've stopped. But I'll defrost them today. Look, get it. It's still the summer. I can rent a cement mixer.

We'll do the thing I did on Taskmaster outside. Although to be fair with frozen sausages I think someone's going to lose some fucking teeth. Someone's going to lose something. It's time for questions from the public. What the fuck was that? That was horrible. Should I mix it up a bit? It was horrible to listen to. It was horrible to watch. I'll do it one more time.

I'm leaning back on my chair ready do it again awful can you imagine how bad that was to look at isn't it amazing what you can do

with your vocal cords amazing is not the word guys as always if you'd like to get in touch you've really ruined this for me do you know that why if you want to get in touch

it's shagged married annoyed at gmail.com send us stories send us confessions send us questions if you want and if there's anything as you're listening to the podcast you think oh i've got something similar that oh i've got an opinion on that send it through yeah we still get so many and we're so grateful yeah we get loads we really do appreciate it thank you uh and as well you might have heard that a lot of our stories

are getting repeated on other podcasts which is starting bit Yeah, it's starting to get fucking old. But yeah. Do you think they've been sent in again though? I don't know if it's people sending them to other ones. I don't know if it's sometimes it's not sometimes the host

sometimes it's the producers looking for content. I don't know. At the end of the day I suppose someone sends a story and that's not our story that is someone else's story. Yeah, and as well

But we always do it first, baby! But there'll be people who haven't heard it yeah so then when they hear on something else and then that goes viral and then everyone says we've nicked it off them it's fucking fun man funny games there's room for everybody time stamp date stamp motherfucker hi rosie and chris i'm curious about people's wedding nights okay we all know that they are typically used what they are typically used for But I'm just wondering If this is actually the case Okay

What are they What are they typically used for I think people A lot of people have sex On their wedding night I don't know anyone Who's had sex on their wedding night I know one person

Okay Mm-hmm Okay Yeah No he didn't God Too pissed I was too busy

Monitoring Me ma, me nana, me auntie Kath Who stole all of the wedding flowers Do you remember Yes Yes And I had them in the bath I had them all of the wedding flowers. Do you remember? Yes, yes. And I had them in the bath. I had them all in the bath.

I remember walking into the room that got them and the bath was like, it was like they'd got a bit on Jumanji where the jungle came out. It was so bad. All of the wedding flowers were in the bath. It was disgusting. For about three weeks after our wedding,

everybody's house had our wedding flowers. It's unbelievable. Yeah, me and some uncles. I mean, good, good, because I'm actually glad they didn't go to waste but yeah they could have waited till the next morning i don't they're not you can't trust people they would have been gone i know what i mean i know what they're like they literally would have sat for an hour before it finished went we need to get these flowers and now now get them get them in that room they're in the shower and everything

they were everywhere yeah yeah yeah the bath was i like, is someone having a bath? And it was just water and flowers. Awful. Awful people. Right. I got married in 2021. Gorgeous day surrounded by wonderful people in the sun in Cyprus. Oh, nice. It was honestly... 2021?

Lovely. How the fuck did you get to Cyprus in 21? There was... Do you not remember, man? It was bloody carnage. We had a few months of lockdown and that. Do you remember when the world went back to a little bit normal? I think I blanked it all out. Yeah, same, same, same, man. It was bloody carnage. We had a few months of lockdown and that. Do you remember when the world went back to a little bit normal? I think I blanked it all out.

Yeah, same, same, same, same. We all enjoyed ourselves, as you should do. Rightly so. To be honest, I probably drank too much and so did my new husband. But we have always liked to have a good party together, so why would our wedding day be any different? Exactly. However, just wondering if it's just me or has anyone else started their married life

walking up covered in piss as their husband was so drunk they wet the bed? Or was that just me? Firstly, congratulations. Welcome to the rest of your life.

Yeah. Wow. Imagine that. Your first day of your married life together. I mean, that's bad. That's bad. I remember feeling guilty

that we didn't have sex. Do you? I remember feeling weird that we hadn't had sex on that. Because it's that ridiculous thing that you grow that we hadn't had sex because it's that ridiculous thing that you grow up in this like wedding it's so medieval well i think it's i mean back in the day it was you couldn't have sex until you were married so the wedding night was the first time you could do it but we're like god we'd had sex loads of times before but

not bragging here but definitely the double figures, I reckon. More than now. Probably more than now, aye? Fractions. One over two. Dear Chris and Rosie Ramsey, please keep me anonymous. Why are you being full named there? I don't know. I feel like I've done something wrong. The story I want to tell you takes place in 2008.

I was 18 at university and had my independence for the first time. Naturally, me and the girls went out on the lash most nights. As a recently out trans girl, this was an exciting time for me.

Short skirts, a face full of makeup and the pussycat dolls were the norm. Oh, the good old days. The pussycat dolls. Yeah, mint. I remember the pussycat.

What do you think a girlfriend was? Some absolute bangers. Wasn't there about 15 of them? I was like six. Okay. 15. They've all done pretty well, to be fair.

Yeah. Yeah. Obviously, we all wanted to look our best for the boys, in brackets, and girls in the bars and clubs, but regrettably, me and a couple of my friends are boobically challenged. Okay. This required a bit of assistance to rectify and generate some boobage, push-up bras, padding, and the like. Boobically challenged.

I'm enjoying that. Yeah. One evening while on a night out, on a particularly warm summer day, we were enjoying our drinks when we noticed a horrible smell in our vicinity. Oh God, what has one of these fucking idiots used? What?

One of them's used a fucking tuna paste or something. We decided against eating at our regular haunt because of this and moved on because the smell was so bad. To our horror, the smell followed.

Never in the world. We were all getting a bit of a sweat on and I noticed one of my friends had a bit of a boob sweat forming under her top. Right, right.

Look, is this a Rosie's mystery? Because in my head, I've guessed what this is. Okay. And I feel like I want to die. Right, we'll see. Come on then.

I discreetly spoke to her and we made our way to the bathroom to freshen up a little. This confirmed my suspicions. Yeah. The smell was coming from my friend. From my bra. Yeah.

On getting to the bathroom, we availed ourselves of the facilities and touched up our makeup and applied deodorant. While doing so, I adjusted my padding for maximum cleavage and my friend did the same. But While doing so, I adjusted my padding for maximum cleavage and my friend did the same. But on doing so, the smell got even worse. It was coming from her bra.

Yes, of course it was. What is that smell? I asked. At this point, all discretion was gone and I just wanted to know what the fuck was going on in those C-cups. Oh, she replied. I don't know what's wrong with them. Maybe I should have cooked them first. Chicken breast.

Chicken breast, innit? Turns out she had heard me mention on a previous night out that I used chicken fillets to supplement my boobage. And yes, you guessed it. Actual ones. She had taken this to mean actual chicken fillets. That's fucking awful. She then produced from her bra two raw chicken breast fillets which she unceremoniously

dumped in the sink i explained her error and showed her my own chicken fillets of the silicone variety she was incredibly embarrassed and we left the bar abruptly to go sort the salmonella soaked mess out old salmonella tits over there. I still affectionately call her chicky in honour of the occasion. Chicky's good! That's her... Straight away, I knew it. I knew straight away. The smell of, like, off-roe chicken is the worst smell ever. It's the worst, but it is also a bit like...

It's hard to put your finger on, and it's also quite hard to pinpoint, if that makes sense. So it's not like... If there is some dog shit in the corner of your room you go there's dog shit in that corner of the room but if there's off chicken kicking about raw off chicken you're like where is that and what is that there's an air of mystery about it it's not like it's not a bullseye of a smell so yeah that must have been i love that it stinks in here oh what a shithole next place stinks in here is but how many how many realistically

how many places did they go to before they gave in and realized it was fucking them but that's the thing because the usual smells are like halitosis b or you know like farts since you can't smoke in pubs anymore down below or you know cheesy cock like sorry you wouldn't know where are you smelling these? Where have you been? Those are odours of people. Right, okay. Aren't they? Jesus.

Piss, shit, BO, all them kind of smells. Not chicken, not salmonella. Yeah, not raw chicken. Not chicken breasts. Oh, do you know what? I just like, oh, but like, you know, when you sit down and your stomach rolls slightly, she'll have like raw chicken juice

in the rolls of her stomach all night and probably like the waistband of her pants. Someone probably shagged her that night. No, she went back the halls. Sorted herself out.

Did she? Never lived it down. Does it say it there? No, it's not that. They went back. They're not horrible. Does it say there in black and white

that they went back and got washed? No. Right. They stayed out. I'm telling you they stayed Right. They stayed out. I'm telling you, they stayed out. They stayed out, and someone shagged her that night.

And someone licked her stomach and then was in hospital the next day. And then he was ill for days. Yeah. Yeah. Or she. Or someone. Somebody did.

Look, doesn't matter now. They're probably dead. Babadoo babadoo babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi Rosie and Chris. I've spent the last month listening to your podcast from the start. Late at the party, I know. Anyway... To get the whole lot done. Fuck me. Well played. No, no. They're not done yet.

I don't think. Anyway. Okay, try harder. Anyway, I've noticed that you like to abuse our family name frequently. Family name? Exclamation mark, yeah. I've had this surname for over 40 years and all was fine until about 20 years ago when it became

the butt of a lot of jokes exclamation mark wish I'd had a crystal ball when naming my children son called BJ Gash Gash and daughter called

A Gash not the best choice with hindsight loving the show but only up to 100. Gash. Not the best choice with hindsight. I love the show, but I'm only up to 100%. Melanie Gash. Melanie Gash. Her surname's Gash.

And her son's called BJ Gash. And her daughter's called A. Gash. Melanie, we are so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's a nightmare. But I think Gash might be a northeast thing. Gash. Yeah, if something's gash.

Yeah. No, it's a vagina, isn't it? It's a gash. When have we said gash? I don't want to say that. I say gash quite a lot. Do you say it? And I'm really sorry.

It's not a word I say. No. Oh, that's rotten. It's very crude. And honestly, I don't think many people will know. I think it's a northern thing. Gash. It's horrible.

So, our son's BJ Gash. Not your name. Our daughter's A Gash. She's Melanie Gash. So, she's, thing. Gash. It's horrible. So, her son's BJ Gash. Not your name. Her daughter's A Gash. She's Melanie Gash. So she's, hmm, Gash. There you go. Oh, I feel terrible. I'm so sorry.

I did title that ruin in the name, Gash. Oh, Gash. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hello, Rosie and Chris. Hello. I've been listening to the podcast a while, but started midway. Oh, clever. As I found myself a student again, writing assignments late into the night.

Not so fun when working full time and raising two kids. Good on you. Wow. I've gone back and started listening from the beginning. I've noticed there was quite a few birth stories about partners passing out, etc. So I thought I'd share my little moment as I'm intrigued whether Chris will agree with what occurred. Oh, okay. So, this was my second child.

I was overdue and had planned an induction the next morning. Long story short, I went into labour quite suddenly whilst in the bathroom at home. I called for my husband as I was very aware at this point she wasn't going to be waiting for us to get to the hospital. The donor? The baby. Okay. Yeah. Panic mode instantly switched on for him as he asked me what he should do.

I suggested he phone 999, finding myself shockingly very calm. Good suggestion. Okay. Yeah. Panic mode instantly switched on for him as he asked me what he should do. I suggested he phone 999, finding myself shockingly very calm. Good suggestion. And get us some assistance. Yeah. Whilst he went to get his phone, I delivered our daughter's head. Ooh!

Ouch. In the bathroom. He came back on the call to the operator who was obviously asking a lot of questions. He answered with, the head's out. Oh my God, the head's out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be me. The operator. Yeah, yeah. yeah. That would be me. The operator. There's now two people in this room and there was only one when I left. The operator could be heard telling him he'd need to support the head as the rest of her was born. This is where

there's mixed opinions. My husband. I already want to die, but okay. Okay. Oh, fuck. I don't think you would have done what he did. I mean, I wouldn't but okay. Okay. Oh, fuck. I don't think you would have done what he did. I mean, I wouldn't have supported the headlight. And I said, look, angle yourself, use the toilet seat, and go to the pub.

Right, shut up. Don't listen to him. My husband, with the look of disgust and panic on his face, timidly placed two fingers on her head, squirming as he did. Two fingers? Two fingers, literally like... Underneath.

I reassured him it was fine. I had it. He could step away. Then he disappeared. At the time, I was somewhat preoccupied birthing a human so didn't really notice

he had left the room. I delivered our daughter safely, dried her off and checked her breathing. You hard fucker, by the way. Amazing. Oh, dude. my head and the realization hit that he had left me possibly my most vulnerable time he had walked out so i questioned him as to where he had gone oh dude had he gone to try to find help or fetch towels like in the movie had he been instructed get something vital by the 999 call operator

no his response was i touched her head it was gross so i went to wash my hands it took a while as it was all waxy and slimy he had left me i love him so much i don't he had left me to give birth to our daughter completely alone to wash his hands because it was gross wow chris question does hand hygiene always come first or are there some situations perhaps it could wait a few minutes? Well, he's Mr. Trickier because you would have said to me or she would have said to me

you need to hold the head and I went, oh, can't, got to wash me hands and I would have left without even touching the kid and then I'd have come back and the kid would have been

down and gone perfect. Genuinely, genuinely hand on heart, would you have left me in that bathroom? Were me hands tidy. Shut up and answer properly. Okay.

You would have had to deliver the baby. What day is it in this scenario? Chris, I'm not even joking with you right now. Is the broadband working? Do we have internet? Stop joking. Sorry. What was I doing at the time?

If you're not going to answer seriously, I'm not going to talk to you. For the rest of the podcast? No, just for now. I hate? Be serious. What was I doing at the time? If you're not going to answer seriously, I'm not going to talk to you. For the rest of the podcast? No, just for now. I hate this about you. Oh, that I try and make jokes on the comedy podcast? This is not a comedy part. Sorry, everyone.

Don't dare laugh. Rosie's decided this isn't a comedy part of the podcast. Yeah, this is a serious part. So turn those smiles upside down to a frown. Would you have helped? Yeah, I'd have had to. Yeah, of course you would have. I'd have hated it,

and I'd still be whinging about it now. I'd be devastated. But yeah, I'd have had to have helped. Would you have left us? I could have, like, she could have died. I think I'd have been, I think I'd have been a panicking, shouting, screaming, crying mess,

but I would have held the child's head. I wouldn't have held it with two fingers. I would have held the child's head. I'd have, you'd two fingers i would have held the child's head out of there you'd have been going what's happening chris what does it look like and i'd have been looking at the ceiling and i had to look back down i would i would have held the child's head but i would have looked away no i would have held the head like i've been told to and i'll be looking up at the ceiling oh i'd have my eyes closed you're smirking so i'm serious no no i'm deadly you wouldn't have looked i don't think you honestly think like men right you're saying that is so disrespectful're joking I'm serious no no I'm deadly serious you wouldn't have looked I don't think do you honestly think like men right

you saying that is so disrespectful do you honestly think that as women you want to you want to have a child come out of your vagina because I'm telling you right now

you absolutely don't right so you saying that you literally wouldn't even look is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life I'm trying to be honest here

I'm trying to be honest here everyone listening to this knows that if I turn around and go oh definitely Rosie I'd have got down on one knee I'd have held her I'd have put my hands in. I'm trying to be honest here. I'm trying to be honest here. Everyone listening to this knows that if I turn around and go, oh, definitely Rosie, I'd have got down on one knee, I'd have held her, I'd have put my hands in

and I'd have pulled the shoulders out, then I'd have fucking bit the umbilical cord with my teeth, you know, then I'd have swaddled and wrapped up, then I'd have fucking pulled the placenta out

and I'd have had a nash on that as well. It's good for you, and a vitamin, whatever. Everyone knows I'd be fucking lying if I said to you now, yes, I'd hold the head and I'd be fine.

I'd switch on in that moment. No, I wouldn't. I'd hold the head like I was told to and I'd be staring up if I said to you now yes I'd hold the head and I'd be fine I'd switch on in that moment no I wouldn't I'd hold the head like I was told to and I'd be staring up into the corner of the room like someone who's just seen a fucking ghost

but I would not have gone and washed me hands until afterwards in which you would not have seen me for hours while I scrubbed my hands with a wire brush and bleach there we go

wow from my body from the insides of my body why am I in trouble honestly for something that hasn't happened because it's just the truth comes out the truth comes out

you I sometimes worry if anything actually happened in this house because you would not be the person to rely on hmm

what do you mean ugh ick hold on what about that time when you had a load of blood on the floor and I had to come and check you

and I did check you remember you had blood all over the place remember floor and I had to come and check you? I did check you. Remember? You had blood all over the place. Remember? Well, I know. It's a bit different though, isn't it? Same kind of thing.

He stands by his decision. Never, they're not together anymore. Really? No. I didn't say that, God. And now she works for the NHS, which is amazing because she's very good in her... I think I would be a good nurse. Deliver delivered your own

fucking kid I mean wow well done you but she did have dirty hands so what do you do I think

if I get married again when I get married again brilliant I want to marry like a proper outlander guy yeah yeah

honestly his breath will fucking stink no modern day one no no no you can't have both you can't have both you can't have both his breath will fucking stink no a modern day one no no no you can't have both you can't have both you can't have both

his breath will fucking stink and his knob will be cheesy as fuck so there you go so enjoy that oh he held the baby's head fine and everything yeah but when I give him

a blowjob I do have to go and be sick afterwards because it's like a fucking pepperoni dipped in nacho cheese and left for fucking three weeks behind the sofa

but he's such a man. Touché. He's ass crack here, meets his pubes, goes up his stomach, meets his chest here, goes round his back, all the way down his back. It's like a big fucking hula hoop of hair all the way around his torso. I love it, aye. Free cornflakes for life. You just scrape them out of it.

Alright, man. Alright. Apologise. I'm not apologising. Apologise. I'm not apologising. Be better. cornflakes for life you just scrape them out of it all right man all right all right apologize i'm not apologizing i'm not apologizing be better no no we're not having another kid why am i in trouble for something you're in trouble because i knew i knew that you would all right all right i just wanted you to be like i of course i would help i was joking of course i'd have helped i'd have got down and i held the kid and i delivered fine, I'd have calmed you down, paramedics would have came, I'd have handled it. Exactly! So what's the point in lying? What's the point

in lying? Because you know I wouldn't have done that. You literally would have been in therapy. I'd still be there now. Wouldn't be able to look the kid in the eye. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed, which is part of the ACAST Create That Network. Guys, if you get a second, please

please, please, Google National Television Awards and vote for us in the Best TV Interview category. Again, I think we've said it before, we're up against Piers Morgan, Louis Theroux and Graham Norton absolute powerhouses of television interviewing only slag

you are the only slag on the bill it's an honour to be there and would absolutely love to be in with a chance of winning and we'll do that if you vote

so thank you so much and if you want to send anything to the podcast shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com big love back in the ears next week

bye bye next week. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director

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