Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep. 25 Twinkle Toes

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

This week Chris and Rosie both have some exciting news! They're getting on well but there's still some beef. They discuss natural(ish) alarm clocks, bread VS potatoes and going to gigs alone and have a question from local celeb Joe McEldry. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello. You're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Mr. Chris Ramsey, hashtag Twingle Toes. Yay! We will talk about that more. We will talk about that more later on.

If you know what it means already, you know what it means already. But if you don't, hey, you'll find out. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. It is episode 25. Goodness me, episode 25. And guys... Same age as you were when you lost your virginity. Slander. True though.

Lies. I was actually 16. Legal. I waited. Good for you. Yeah. This week's sponsor is... Oh great. Oh right, is it straight to that? Yeah, yeah. Why? what do you think it was I just always forget how it starts but yeah

great professional this week's sponsor is obviously my tour 2020 on sale now because samsicomedy.com always a sponsor which is selling

really really well crazy well yeah so if you are sorry I was just almost half of it's on sale or sold out now I know

and if you're listening and you're thinking, oh, I might go to that, then I'm not trying to force you into anything, but go and buy them now because you might end up regretting not buying them because they'll be all gone. Exactly. But until then, why not go out and get yourself one of this week's sponsors,

which is... Bags. Bags. This week's sponsor is... Bags. Hey, you tired week's sponsor is Bags. Hey, you tired of... Why did you do that twice? Because I felt like

I didn't do it properly the first time, so I did it again. Oh, okay, sorry. It's got to be like this week's sponsor is Bags. Great.

Like that, yeah. Hey, tired of carrying all your stuff in your hands? Eh? Tired of not being an octopus? Eh? Sick of walking down the street

after you've been to the shops with loads of tins of beans and stuff in your hand and you see your mate and you go, hello mate, you alright? And he puts his hand out to shake your hand

and you go, and you drop all your beans and stuff on the floor? Get yourself a bag. I'm sick of these. You get yourself a nice bag. I'm done. No plastic bag.

Bad for the environment. Get yourself a bag for life or take plastic bags from another drawer in your house that you never open and just keep filling up with more plastic bags. Take one of them out

or get a backpack. Backpacks hands free hey you got a normal bag you shake one person's hand you got a backpack where you're shopping in bloody shake two people's hand at the same time if you want why are you shaking everyone's hand because i'm a popular guy got loads of friends loads of mates hey and for our older listeners we're also sponsored by in conjunction with bags

those little wheelie tartan things that you wheel along behind you when you go do your shopping shoppers yeah where you

go do your messages and you can pop the v-res to drop all them raffle tickets in take a little

tartan wheelie bag do you know my nana Bridget she's 82 she won't use one of them

she refuses to get one, doesn't she? Bridget, you're a maniac. I'd have one now if I could. If people wouldn't look and go, who's he stole that off? I'd have one of them. Well, I thought about making, like, you know, when I have my little, my moments when I want, you know, button shoes and all that. I thought about making some of them, like cool ones for younger people

because I genuinely would use one of them. I definitely would as well. Because I'm sick of walking around and your hands hurt. Hey, hands hurting? Sick of bags? Little wheelie thing, you got one of them, but is it snowing? You need a sledge. Drag all your shopping along on a sledge. Is there like three different? This is terrible. I get £40 million per read. Guys, whoa! That's £120 million we've just got there. Wow.

Two has cancelled. This is amazing. Hey, this was a long intro. I know, let's stop. Right, here's the jingle. Do-do-do-do-do-do We had a fight about the jingle Jingle

We couldn't settle on a jingle Jingle So this is the jingle Jingle We hope you like the jingle Jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle. Hello and welcome back.

We're here again for your listening pleasure. Shag, Married, Annoyed, episode 25. Me and Sir Chocolate Quidditchit Pig. Sir Chocolate Quidditchit Pig.ig. Sir Chocolate Quilted Chitpig. Well, mister. I got that as well. Are we there? Are we, if we get some posts, is it addressed to the Chocolate Quilted Chitpigs?

Yes. Robin is definitely a Chocolate Quilted Chitpig. He's got it all out, written all over him. Written all over him. So, hello, guys. Thank you for listening. Exciting news this week, isn't it? Very exciting news.

Very exciting. Do you want me to tell it? Yeah, for people who haven't it? Very exciting news. Very exciting. Do you want me to tell it? Yeah for people who haven't heard yet go on. So I was on my period and then I managed to finish my period in time for going on holiday which we are this week. Oh sorry are you talking about your news? Yeah.

Alright yes sorry. I mean I'm happy for you. Thank you. That's really good. For me it was really exciting. Yeah, I mean, it must be horrible, you know, like going in a swimming pool on holiday and knowing that you're essentially

like sort of just dipping your insides in the pool. Luckily, that's not shocked. Make some kind of human cocktail. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it can be clotted, which you wouldn't want to be swimming through blood clots. Great.

Well, we've just lost every male listener, so that's class. Sorry, guys, but it's true.ists um in other news yeah um look you're trying to find something else you're predictable in other news christopher is going to be on masterchef i'm doing strictly i didn't think she'd ruin it for us this early on which she already has Bam, bam, bam, master chef. Fucking hell. Strictly cum dancing. I'm doing strictly. I didn't think she'd ruin it for us this early on,

but she already has. Do you know why I'm ruining it a little bit? Why? Because you're trying to make us prepare to go out with week one. That's what you're trying to do, aren't you? No, there's two reasons. Right. Well, one, I mean, you know, I'm enormously jealous

because, you know, I love dancing and used to kind of do it for a job for a little while and I'm a lot better at it than you yeah you are that's why I need to go on the telly and learn

in front of 15 million people a week oh okay well two I'm not looking forward to you cheating on us right well look I can't help if the Strictly Curse

takes effect and I cheat on you it's just one of them things just be happy for us in my new life living with a dancer. Well, I'm prepared for it. And we never got a prenup, so it's fine.

Oh, shit. So I will get the house. I'll still- Strictly cancelled. Get everything. Strictly cancelled. So it's fine. It's all good. Can we still do the podcast? Yeah, of course we can.

Yeah. No, you better not. Literally, you better not. I know it's not a thing. You know what it is? I'm actually like a little bit i'm sort of pre-annoyed that people are going to ask us that in the questions it's just like in the press and stuff i don't know what it it just feels like a really i remember first time i went on a lad's holiday i went to falaraki right lads uh when i was 16 with my mates and i had a girlfriend at the time i remember a pr person on one of the first days some like lad he's oh boys you want

tickets for the club tonight and we're like yeah all right and he went uh he was like oh so who you and he's like asking all the questions and then they were like oh he i was only on the girlfriend oh he's got a girlfriend oh you got a girlfriend you're gonna cheat on her and i wanted to i wanted to punch him in the face because i was like what a horrible question to ask someone and i feel like the whole world because of this show are going to just ask us that question well it's well yeah because there has been people who cheated on their partners on the show but the thing is everyone though no but can we just say we work within television the entertainment business guys people cheat on each other all the time you just don't see it because it's not in the cut in front of the cameras and they're not gyrating on each other

i mean you'll be wearing a cock piece I thought the deal was that I was going to chop it off and you were going to keep it at home when I went away in a little jar

right yes that's what I'll do I've got some rules there'll be no nipple showing if you look better if you end up looking better than me after this show

I will be fucking fuming Rosie you know me you know my metabolism you know I'm going to come back absolutely shredded let's be honest here you know

I'm really looking forward to actually doing some exercise like I'm not even kidding I'm really like I remember I saw it when Greg Rutherford did it

and when Simon Rimmer did it and they were like I'm in the best shape of my life I was like I can't wait I'm so jealous I'm going to look like a flipping Oopa Loopa next year no I'll be orange with a fake tan. That'll

be me. Oh yeah, will be. Yeah, we'll be exactly the same shade of orange. My pillow will match your pillow in bed. Yeah, yay. I can tan you. Babe, I can tan you. Couples who tan together, stay together. Yeah. No, listen, best of luck, luck babe i'm looking forward to coming watching me it's gonna be class it's a spectacle right it's massive it's crazy it's really exciting and honestly cards on the table uh i can't dance um i really can't you're not that bad well i would never you know i'm never the first person on the dance floor um but what i can do the one thing i'm thinking you know might go in my favour I can follow instructions quite well

yes you can like I'm like that part of my brain you know you're good at sports yeah but only if you specifically tell us what to do

and I'm not very good and I'm not good at getting shouted at I remember when I went for like I had to go for a practice dance with this woman who I've now

got another family with because that's how it works mate I'm not going on tour I'm actually just going to go and live with her the hilarious thing is who I've now got another family with. Because that's how it works. Mate. I'm not going on tour. I'm actually just going to go and live with them. The hilarious thing is that everyone's got the curse. Oh, Chris, what if they don't like you?

No, no, no. It's got to work both ways. No, what about the fact that they definitely will not... No one is going to find me attractive once they see me trying to dance. When they see me... Anyone dance when they see me try anyone everyone women out there anyone listening who thinks i've got a bit of a crush on chris ramsay where you see me trying to dance your vagina will dry up and fall off i'm worried that i might go off you you probably will because you know you still find you slightly attractive i might watch

your dance and be like oh fuck no slightly great i you know um but yeah i i don't like getting shouted at so i went for the um when i went for the practice dance they said it was before and they were like oh how do you learn best like what kind of person do you learn with best do you learn best with someone being really supportive and nice and telling you what to do or someone like shouting at you and losing their rag and i was like honestly if someone shouts at us and i will cry on my day yeah you will i'll cry my eyes out I can't handle it I'm not being funny

I'm the only one who can shout at you yeah do you know what I mean and I still don't handle that well I'll be raging if they shout at you

I will I'll open the can and whip ass just you wait we'll be running on and fighting the judges I will yeah

that'll be good hold me back hold me back that'll be great telly yeah so it's exciting but we did a bit

of practicing didn't we on Saturday we were at a wedding We were at a wedding. We were at a wedding on Saturday night. Guys, I don't know. If you're a betting man or a woman, you're putting some money on possibly me to win the whole thing.

Me and, I think you can ask everyone who was at the wedding, me and Rosie tore the dance floor up on Saturday night. A bit of practice dancing. I dropped out on her back and she's still in pain now yeah and it's tuesday as time of record it was on saturday and it did hurt i didn't realize but then you managed to do it after but the weird thing was we could wait we're not we haven't been allowed to tell anyone yeah so my friend angela was like why why why are you doing backdrops on the dance floor look at these two assholesholes. Really? God.

It's not your wedding. A couple of tossers. Imagine doing the dirty dancing left just in the middle. But no, listen, good luck. Thank you. I'll be there to support you

no matter whether you're shit or good. You never know. I hope you do well but I'm kind of hoping you're not there for that long because I like, I like your home

for the support. Right. And stuff. That's very selfish. And I don't want you to lose too much weight because I like your home for the support and stuff. Okay, that's very selfish. And I don't want you to lose too much weight because I'll be jealous, annoyed, angry

and I'll hate myself. Excellent. What about too famous? Don't want us to get too famous either? No. No, all of that, right? All of them things.

So the three positive things that could come from it, oh no, I'll have this four. So you don't want us to get more famous, you don't want us to be in it for long and win it, you don't want us

to lose the weight. No. Do you want me to get better at dancing?'m not really asked right good so this was largely pointless kind of want you to cheat on us a little bit so that i've always got something in my back pocket for if you start i'd be like uh remember shazney that's the dancer that's god how does your mind work she's like I'm not breaking up. I'm just keeping that on the back burner. Got that one.

Strictly, remember, 2019, eh? Worst, worst summer of my life. No, honestly, have a good time. Oh, thanks. Leave your dick at home, though. Hey! It's making us very uncomfortable, all this. I'm not going to handle it well.

Honestly, when they start cross-examiners on this morning or whatever, I'm going to go bright red. What about the curse? Oh, I just don't think it's a nice thing to ask people. Do you know what I mean? Well, just listen. I'll get you a T-shirt made with my face on. Yeah.

And be like, this is my ass. My wife's watching. Yeah, I'll try some of the dancing clothes on you know the little shoes shoes were lovely by the way little cheeky little inch heel

a bit like Tom Cruise yeah got a nosebleed and everything I was miles up I could see for miles around you've now told us

about this Chris you're gonna look ridiculous do you know this you're gonna look stupid I don't think you've thought about this properly, you know? I know.

You're going to have to, like, get your chest out, you know? Wear, like, the shirts all open, tanned. Like, you're going to... Your pants are going to be tight. Yeah. You're going to hate it. How long is my hair? Does it need to trim my hair on my head?

I don't know. I just need the stuff I glued to my chest to match the hair on my head. You've got no hairs on your chest. I'm like a... You're like a little babe. I'm like a fucking dolphin. I've got no hairs at all. Oh, well.

The hell's going to happen? You'll be keep wanting the curse to happen. She doesn't know what it is. I don't have to fucking dance on the telly. What am I doing? It's just dawned on us I'm going to have to dance on the telly. I know, babe.

It's Saturday night. I know. Prime time. How many millions of viewers did we get? This is weird because this is the most we've talked about it because we've had to keep

it so under wraps. We're both so loose-lipped that we're thinking people are here but we're going to actually talk openly now. Yeah, mate. Good luck.

Listen, good handshake. Good luck. Thank you. Good luck. I've got a backpack on so I'm going to shake you with both hands there. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Beef? Gwch, gwych. Diolch. Diolch. Mae gen i'r bachpac arnaf felly gallaf i'ch gwneud ychydig o'ch ddau. Gwych.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo. Mae'n amser i... Whatty Beef. Whatty Beef. Whatty Beef. Beef Beef. Beef Beef. Beef Beef.

Beef Beef. Beef Beef. Beef Beef. Biffy crisps. I love beefy crisps. I love beefy crisps as well. I love crisps in general. You do love crisps in general.

And you eat them like a killer. beefy crisps. I love beefy crisps as well. I mean, I love crisps in general. You do love crisps in general and you eat them like a killer. Okay, as always, ladies first, what is your beef with me this week?

Right, it's hard this week, right, because we currently, I don't know what's happened, I don't know if something's shifted in the universe, I feel like we're actually

getting on really well at the minute. Oh no, don't, what, what's happened? I don't know, but we are getting on very, very well. It's, no, don't. What happened? I don't know. But we are getting on very, very well.

It's really nice, isn't it? It's lovely. Very nice. So it's hard to find a beat. I think you're just trying to be extra nice because you know I'm about to do Strictly and find someone better. What?

I mean... Good luck. Good luck to them. That's all I say. Yeah, try... All right, then. Crack on with uh podcast with your dancer friend so my beef this week it's just a little one oh um you say on the podcast hi guys like a

nine-year-old youtuber wow wow that's me beef why are you watching 9 year old YouTubers It's my thing So hi guys That you don't like that No Why do you want to say hi guys Just hiya

You sound like a 9 an annual YouTuber now. Yeah? What's your Fortnite high score? Fucking nerd. Did you see? There was a Fortnite championship recently and I think he's 13 or 12

or something and American Kids has won a Fortnite championship and won 3.5 million dollars. I mean, okay. More than Djokovic won or whatever, whoever won the Wimbledon, more than what they won for Wimbledon, okay. More than Djokovic won, or whatever, whoever won the Wimbledon, more than what they won for Wimbledon,

I think it was Djokovic. That's crazy. Yeah, and more than the golfers have won for the golfers here. Wow. Yeah, it's like the biggest prize of anything. My nephew's up on Fortnite. Eh, not three and a half million, good other.

You never know. Useless little tossers. Okay, so I say... Hi guys. Wow. Hi guys. Yeah, let's find that. that hey guys welcome to my youtube channel hi guys hey guys please like rate and subscribe so this is how you fix an iphone i hate them videos i hate it so much okay my beef with you this week it's very week specific this week you did something this week that made us think, I don't think you really love us. Oh, no.

What? I've just literally said that we're getting on Lord's Bennett. Yeah, but then you said I was a nine-year-old boy on YouTube. Or girl, you didn't specify. That was even worse. Could be, it could be.

As we all know, as we all know this week, I nearly died. How did you nearly die? I nearly died in a freak lightning storm in Norwich. Oh, yeah, you did. It was actually last week but uh so i went out to a gig in norwich and it was in this big tent and it was really cool really sunny lovely and then this storm moved in and i had to cancel the you know cancel the whole

gig and turn all the electricity off and sit in this like tent and i was in i put it on instagram i was in this tent with like metal, obviously metal framed, and the lightning was going crazy and we're all, ah, it was terrifying. And you phoned me up, and this is exactly how the phone call went. You went, oh, are you okay? I've just seen on Instagram. Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine and all, yeah.

Well, why are you in a tent? Why are you in a tent with like metal stuff? Surely you shouldn't be there. And I was like, well, Rosie, if I go outside, there's loads of like cars and stuff about, there's trees, there's not really anywhere to go. This is probably the best place, to be fair. And I was like, well, Rosie, if I go outside, there's loads of cars and stuff about, there's trees, there's not really anywhere to go. This is probably the best place, to be fair. Oh, God, okay then.

Well, be safe, be safe. Right, I'm going to go and watch Handmaid's Tale. I thought, you bullshitter. You just didn't give a... That was fake, right? Because what happened is, halfway through, you realise we've got life insurance. That's what happened halfway through.

You've gone out the life insurance card, have you? You realise we've got life insurance. Oh, you've run out of the life insurance card, have you? You realise I've got life insurance and you thought, oh, I actually had one. Oh, no, I love sofas. Bye. We've actually got a really cracking life insurance on both sides, mate. Not just you. There's moments when we've had an argument, I think,

if I could make this look like an accident. We'd be quitting. It must be quite expensive. Are we paying out a lot for life insurance? Because it is a good one. No, it too decent yeah no what happened was i'll tell you listen i'll be honest with you okay level level with you yeah guys um what happened was i had fast forward did the adverts right and i'd landed on the bit of you know the sponsor before take a call thing and i thought i'll ring Chris, pretend I'm bothered.

And then he came back on and I was like, I've got to go. Well, yeah. So that's what happened. It was that. It was the foreconcern that really upset us. Well, I knew you'd be all right. I did, you know. Well, yeah.

I knew you'd be all right. I knew. I mean. I either come home to bloody clean up after you and wipe your arse and that, eh? Or you get a big bloody pound. You have never wiped my arse. Eh? I would loveddwch yn cael pwynt pwynt. Dydyn ni ddim wedi chynhyrchu fy ars.

E? Byddwn i'n hoffi hynny. Roeddwn i'n mynd i ddweud, nid drwy'r llaw os byddwch yn gofyn. Bab I say a sincere, huge apology to employers all around the country who, for two reasons really, anyone who works in an office, they have to constantly deal with people printing out office polls

because of our questions. And also anyone who does the sort of infantry in the office supplies world, you must have had to buy so many new letter P's for everyone's keyboards because when they write questions for the public

they just hammer the letter P so many times I love you guys yeah it's great if you want to get in touch it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and let's dive right into it I've got this this this is are you going first because I've got some ink

oh yeah go then sorry just really quickly have you seen that it's gone viral this week about the person the couple who sleep on either side of the bed we were chatting about that two weeks ago ages ago thank you to everyone i love that i love that everyone's just been going like look you guys spoke about this you know the first time in episode three or whatever my a friend of mine right who produces some stuff i do sent me a link to it and said, look at this.

These exact words, and I'm embarrassed for him, these exact words for it were, this is how much I love you guys. I read this and I thought straight away how good this would be for the podcast. And I text back the exact words, we talked about that in one of the first episodes, you fucking charlatan.

Yeah, exactly. And I'm still embarrassed for him. Exactly. Yeah. His wife, who I've met once, said, they already talked about that, mate.

No. What a loser. I hope you're listening, mate, and I hope you're ashamed of yourself. You're not listening. Probably not listening. Probably out telling someone that you love us.

You don't even know us. What is this? I've got something here. I've only been sent this just really recently, right? I thought it was quite interesting. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I've got a question for Shagmar and Lloyd.

Bit of a strange one. So, every night when my mum goes to bed, she hits her head against the pillow for the amount of times she wants to get up for. For example, if she wants to wake up at seven, she bangs her head seven times against the pillow. If she wants to wake up at seven, she bangs her head seven times against the pillow. If she wants to wake up at half past, e.g. 7.30, she bangs her head seven times

and then rubs her head into the pillow for the half past. She sways by it and doesn't even set an alarm anymore. What is that? What does she do for a quarter? Oh, it doesn't say. What does she do for ten past? Five past? Well, she must just always get up at On the hour or half past

Heavens above So So it works? Yeah, apparently And she's put at the end Is there a particular routine You and Chris do every night? Well, definitely not that

It's Maddy from Bournemouth Thank you so much I just found that real I love I love these Strange Weird little things that people do.

Right. Now, we've talked about sleeping before on here and I've said that in them lead child books I read, Jack Reacher,

he says, it says in the book, he said, he set the alarm in his head for half six in the morning and he went to sleep

and he woke up at half six and some military thing. But that's a book. Yeah, but it's also a military thing that apparently they can do but that's just

I'm sorry I call bullshit I don't think that I don't think just because you're in the military doesn't mean that you're a superhero and you can set an alarm

on your head oh good so you call bullshit on Jack Reacher but you don't call bullshit on that woman about a man oh no that is utter bullshit

that is that's more bullshit than what you're saying oh yeah sorry the head the head whacker she's well well in there so annoyed I got thinking you were slagging Jack Reacher off That's more bullshit than what you're saying. Oh yeah, sorry, the head whacker. She's well in there. So annoyed I got thinking you were slagging Jack Reacher off.

My best mate Jack Reacher. Who shouldn't have been played by Tom Cruise. It was ridiculous casting. I feel sick every time I see him. I love that, I like Tom Cruise. Not as Jack Reacher. He's supposed to be six foot nine, man. Built like a brick shithouse in the Gotlam.

A hobbits unexpected journey playing it, man. Ridiculous. These little Strictly shoes on. So she Facebooks the pillow seven and a half times. I will get up at seven tomorrow. Now that's eight. Oh shit, she's slept in.

She's slept in. She's missed her bus. It was actually a hard joke. Yeah, I don't know how that's a thing but it's incredible and well done it's no it's it's it's stupid can you imagine right imagine entering a new relationship and the first time the stay over be like oh do you mind you've got work tomorrow no no it's fine all right night night okay it's really lovely staying over night and then all you hear is you'd be like what the hell

have I entered into here imagine what if it was like so she I don't know what the relationship status is but say she's pulled

a fellow or a lady who's pulled there and they go oh god need to set me alarm oh have you got a Samsung Galaxy Note charger oh no I've got an iPhone

oh I need to set an alarm alright no problem well I'll to set my alarm. Oh, have you got a Samsung Galaxy Note charger? Oh, no, I've got an iPhone. Oh, I need to set an alarm. All right, no problem. Well, I'll just set mine. That's me getting up at half seven. What time do you want to get up? I need to get up at six. No worries.

And she just fucking batters them with a pillow. Lie down, this won't take long. One. I wonder though, I wonder if you could do it like really quick like if she's embarrassed she's like but you might get one wrong what if she accidentally if you you know if you try and tap something really fast yeah and she goes oh i've woke up late i knew i'd done an extra bang what if she sets her alarm wrong what if she's like right okay i need to get up at seven

and she miscounts so she got and she's pissed yeah I thought of something else there oh did I hit the pillow 9 times how does she reset it I mean does she have to get up and spin around shake her head change the pillow

yeah it's ridiculous why are we giving this more air time the stupidest thing I've ever heard the world doesn't work don't try it by an alarm

babadoo babadoo babadoo got one here this is a journey I'll be honest with you this email is a journey right let's just... Yeah, they've put a question at the end and I'm not even bothered about the question.

I just want you to hear this journey, right? Okay. The email is all capitals. It's called The Unfortunate Case of Hair Removal. Oh. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hi. I arrived home from work one day

to find my boyfriend traumatised on the sofa. He told me that he wanted to remove the hair from his bum in an attempt to reduce and i've never heard this phrase chef ass bracket sweaty bum chef chef ass i don't know if it's because chefs get hot horses or because it's like you're cooking your bum i don't i don't understand chef ass uh chef's chef's ass he's got written here she's got in here and he had gone out and bought ready-made wax strips and hair removal cream. He firstly attempted to wax his bumps.

We're talking about the crack here, I think. However, he must have not done it with enough ferocity because it just left his bum cheeks sticky and still hairy. Now, here's where... Probably the hair's too long. Now, listen, right? Now, here's where logic goes out of the window. He then decided to use hair removal cream to, in his words, melt the wax away.

Soon after applying, he started to feel a burning sensation, so dashed to the shower. However, his bum cheeks had now stuck themselves together and he couldn't relieve the pain. He had just done a full body MOT so the shower was now blocked and the water level was rising. In a panic he quickly ran to the bath, sat down but then his arse got stuck to the bottom of the bath. No he didn't.

Oh god. Next week on Lord of the Rings trilogy. Shit the death. on Lord of the Rings trilogy. Shit. So, what's the question? Have you ever got your ass stuck to a bottom of your butt? What's your favourite flavour of crisps is the question.

I'm joking. I wouldn't even surprise you. My question is, do you always indicate when you're at a roundabout? Have you ever had a bad slash embarrassing experience with removing body hair?

That was amazing. That was amazing. Beautiful. I'm not afraid to say I use a little shaver and I've nipped, done a little nippage now and then, a little zzz, a little clip myself now and then.

Yeah, you know, on the little fellas or on the fella sometimes. On your penis? Sometimes it hurts. Or the bowel sack. Yeah, well, I mean, there's no... It's amazing, yeah i mean there's no all the subtleness went there i was like i'm the fellow of the now you just said ball sack in a different weird accent so then i on your ball sack and your cousin's decent breast decent pair of testicles and smooth i'll tell you what it must have been good at shaving

because they were the smoothest pair of testicles I ever heard oh wait that's enough barbecue brisket brisket balls

if this makes no sense to you go back and listen to the rest of the podcast because you are missing out on some cracking low level banter I'm really giggling

this week sorry do you know what I've got to say I've got to say I don't think we've been watching that generation porn on the telly right oh yeah I don't think right we've been watching that generation porn on the telly right oh yeah

I don't think male porn stars get enough credit for making themselves completely smooth it must be really difficult that difficult what down below

sometimes and it's completely you'll see and it's just nothing there like it just looks like it's all gone freaks me out that fair play

it's just to make it look bigger though isn't it I think that's why it's done yeah but I think fair play he's really put the it look bigger though innit I think that's why it's done yeah but I think fair play he's really put the effort in that fella

good for him good for him hey no no it's not clapping that's the noise it makes like scrambled egg when you're doing

that oh stop it about you you had any stop that oh I didn't mean to do that that was awful

sorry you had any hair removal erm er not really no Stop that. Oh, I didn't mean to do that. That was awful, man. You had any... Hair removal. Not really, no. Good job. No. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all for you. No, no, don't.

The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH,

the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Just want to let you all know that chris has done the questions this week because i've been a busy little beaver and um yeah just wanted to let them know just just in case it should that's so so if

you think so you want them to start saying that these questions aren't as good as last week because you know the answer should be hey what do yourself. I record it. I email it away. I set all the gear up. You should do the questions. Okay. Well, normally I do. I just didn't have time. I didn't expect this to backfire on us so much. So I'm sorry. Okay. I love you. What do you want? Do you want us to kiss your feet? Your hairy little manky little feet? I've got my slippers on. So no. Right. Crack on. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. I noticed in the past podcast you laughed at the thought of someone nipping

to the shop for kale at midnight. When I was pregnant, I mainly craved, and Rosie, this is going to make you so angry. Oh, it's not salad,

I mainly craved lettuce. Lettuce with salt on. Just lettuce. I once awoke in the middle of the night after and this is low level dreaming after having a dream about a lot of lettuce oh my god and i cried when i went downstairs to notice we didn't have any lettuce in the fridge i woke my other half up at 3 a.m and he drove to the supermarket to get me some more lettuce we are not together anymore and i think it was because of the lettuce runs love mrs peter rabbit who craves lettuce when they're pregnant honestly i'm sorry right and yeah you're called anya and

you haven't told us to to keep you anonymous so I'm not going to Anya that is the most stop don't tell women that you craved lettuce that's so irritating so jealous what did I crave

were you actually going to talk about this I was obsessed with your sushi when I was pregnant beautiful but the most expensive food on the high street

your sushi without a doubt definitely and you wanted that every time it's ridiculous also uh greg's chocolate cornflake cakes those were high up there and chinese takeaway but just all the foods all of the food groups yeah definitely not lettuce yeah put on five stone

i wish i'd been i wish i'd been craving lettuce but no if anything i was put off salads anything lettuce made you sick? Yeah, lettuce. Got another one here from Joseph Murray. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My question is, if you had to choose between bread and potatoes, which would you choose? You would never be able to eat the other one ever again for the rest of your life. Oh, that's made us all funny. This includes all derivatives.

Example, if you choose bread, you can't have chips, you can't have crisps, wedges, etc. If you choose potatoes, you can't have toasties, garlic bread wraps, paninis, pizza, all of that. Oh, God. Right. What we're going to do here,

we're going to give up one. Right. Calm down. It's not actually happening. Oh, my God. Calm down. You've sat a bolt upright. Sorry.

It's just... I take these really seriously, these kind of questions. Okay. I know. I know. Yeah. I would have to give up bread. You'd have to give up bread, wouldn't you?

I love potatoes. Yeah. I love jacket potatoes. I love roast potatoes. I love new potatoes with butter and chives. I love crisps. Yeah. And I love chips.

Oh, yeah, chips and potatoes. Yeah, chips and potatoes. So, no, potatoes. I love that you just worked out that chips and potatoes on the podcast. Well, I knew. I was just trying to remember. You'd be the opposite. Yeah, well.

What? I'll give up bread. You give up potatoes. We'll just eat each other's. Okay, so we've just completely ignored your question there. I would give up potatoes because I don't like potatoes. I only like, out of what's written here, out of sort of... Crisps are all right, but I'll be honest with you,

I quite like a lentil crisp these days. Oh, go fuck yourself. So I'll have a lentil crisp, right? Done. I've worked my way around that. And I do like chips and I do like wedges, but do you know what I like better than chips and wedges? Pizza.

Sweet potato chips and sweet potato wedges. That's potato. Mm, doesn't say sweet potatoes, just says potatoes. Eh? I've done them. I've found the loophole. Mm-hmm. Yeah?

Bang. Well, I found the loophole of just wheelchair. Right, okay. But you can't have any of my chips well I've got potatoes you can't have any of my pizza that's alright you can't have any of my toast I do like toast

you don't even like you do a bit you never eat bread anyway well I know because I've realised that bread makes me bloat terribly Joseph can you email it again

and say does this involve include Warburt's thins? Because it might be a game changer. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Got a little question here. Nice little one. They've called it a cheeky little question.

It is a cheeky little question. Another cheeky little question. Might involve some remembering, some hardcore remembering, but here we go. Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie, love the podcast. Currently on my third listen through.

Bit weird. Wow. Third listen through. That's intense, isn't it? Do you know what it is? I used to listen to the Ricky Gervais podcasts and I listen to them.

We've listened to them a couple of times. Multiple times through when I was first starting stand-up. Oh, we like that. That's cool. That's honestly, I know I took the make it first,

Nick, but that's really gave me a little warm feeling there that people are doing that. Same, thank you. Yay, thanks. Vianetta Vinnie got me thinking, what foods do you miss that are not available anymore for me it's the purple wonka bars and the old chicken and chips crisps oh okay so we're talking stuff that's

not available anymore right first of all i'll tell you one thing i'm annoyed that that isn't available anymore that i tried to have the other day and that I've tried to have in five guys multiple times. Vanilla Coke. They've got rid. It now has to be zero sugar. Because there's too much sugar in it if it has got the vanilla and the... Guess what they sell in the next

aisle in Asda? Bags of sugar! What the hell is wrong? We've got no willpower because it's being sold we just want to eat it yeah and that's talking from someone who has got no willpower in the world for food have you well yeah but you've got i mean you've got to have some sort of willpower don't you yeah you can't blame you can't blame people for selling it i don't think but then again i didn't i don't want it i don't want to get into this yeah Yeah, but like, come on. There's a lot of stuff going on.

No, come on. Like, I want full... Am I going to have to go and do a bloody Michael Scott from American Office? Am I going to have to buy a zero sugar, caught with vanilla, and pour a load of sugar in it? Like a psychopath. Am I going to have to do that? Probably. Because it tastes disgusting with no sugar in it.

I'm sorry. And I don't drink it every day. It's a little treat. I didn't do it. Bring it back. Okay. Someone. someone well I miss Twizzlers Turkey Twizzlers

Turkey Twizzlers yeah Jamie Oliver yeah let's fight I grew up on them yeah I never liked Turkey Twizzlers what

I didn't like them well I'll tell you why can you guess I had them once can you guess why I didn't like them Rosie you know me so well now gristly there we go

were they gristly I had a bite of one of them I got gristle in it I didn't like them, Rosie? You know me so well now. Grizzly. There we go. Were they grizzly? I had a bite of one of them. I got grizzly and I never ate them again. Because it was probably a turkey bone. Probably. Or a beak. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It would have been an eyeball. Or a toe. Do you know what I know? A turkey toe. Probably not even turkey. Probably a bit of horse cheek. Horse cheek. Why is a horse cheek grizzly?

Well, like the bone. Oh, I don't know. The cheek bone. Lovely and soft, isn't Oh, I don't know. The cheek bone. It should be lovely and soft. You know what I mean? Tired. Am I pissed? I remember when I went to a restaurant once

and they said cod cheeks and I was like, how many did you get? Cod cheeks? They're lovely, aren't they? Must be millions. They're nice, then. They're quite big, actually.

You know what I really hate? I hate it when a product says new improved flavour and it tastes like dog shit. It's worse. And you go, change it back. Change it back.

Please. I remember, there used to be a butter. Oh, I miss this butter. Tell us if they still do it. What butter? Golden churn. Do you remember golden churn butter?

Oh yeah. Is that still about? It came in a big round tub with a blue lid. Golden churn. I don't know if that is still about. Well, they changed it. I used to love it on my bread and they changed it. They changed the thing and I remember thinking, it's not the same. Cwb gyda fwyd gwl, gwrdd. Dwi ddim yn gwybod a yw hynny'n dal i fod. Wel, roedd y newid, roeddwn i'n ei hoffi ei fod yn fy mhreid, a newidodd y peth.

A gofyn i mi, mingyn. Nid yw'n yr un. Ydych chi'n cofio Sunny Delight? A oeddant yn salu hynny? Dwi ddim yn gwybod. Oherwydd doedd hynny wedi gwneud person yn glas. Ydy hynny'n stori gwirioneddol? Gobeithio.

Nid oedd, rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n gobeithio. Roedd rhywun wedi drannu cymaint o Sunny Delight a gwneud ymlaen glas. Rwy'n mynd i Googlau'r peth nawr. Gwbleiwch Google'r peth. Yn enw i, efallai y byddai hynny'n cyntaf pan oeddwn i'n ysgol. Somebody drank so much Sunny Delight that they turned yellow. I'm going to Google it now. Please Google it. I mean, that might just be when I was at school. My mum never bought Sunny Delight. She was so strict.

Although we got turkey Twizzlers, like, so she wasn't that strict. Yeah. Oh, my God, it's in The Independent. I'm looking at it now. It did. It turned someone yellow. Too much Sunny Delight turns a girl's skin yellow. Yep.

Monday the 27th of December, 1999. There you go. The manufacturer of one britain's best selling so hey you heard it here first guys monday 27th of december 1999 you heard it here first the manufacturer one of britain's best selling soft drinks sunny delight admitted yesterday that too much of it could send a child yellow if you had joined us class is there a picture? No, there's not a picture, you arsehole.

There was a picture at the time. I've seen a picture of that girl's skin. She's yellow. I'm going to click on... She looks like the baby in Teletubbies. Right, no, no. There's just some Photoshop ones. There was a picture, I'm sure.

That's honestly... I mean, a little bit worried. I hope no one was really ill or died from it or anything. There was a picture, I'm sure. That's honestly, I mean, a little bit worried. I hope no one was really ill or died from it or anything. But that is because they're trying to make it look like it was really healthy. Oh, it was terrible. But it was two kinds. There was Florida orange and there was California orange.

And I didn't like Florida, but I did like California orange. Yeah. But yeah, unbelievable. Do you know what I loved? I think they might still do it in like farm foods or something. Do you remember Arctic I loved? I think they might still do it in farm foods or something. Do you remember Arctic Roll? No. Do you not remember an Arctic Roll?

It was like ice cream with a little cake layer on the outside and it was frozen. They might still do. I may have had that at some point. I might have had that at a little party recently. A kid's party. Do you know what I miss? What?

Mr Kipling chocolate chip cake bars. Do they not do them anymore? No, I've never seen them for ages. Oh. Mr. So it was like, guys, it was a little moist bit of little cake. Guys, rate, subscribe, like. It was like a little moist bit of cake. Mm-hmm.

Chocolate chips. They were nice. God, they were so good. I would eat like five in one go. Not put anywhere else. Claggy. So claggy. I remember having to quickly go and get a drink of Sunny Delight to wash it all down.

Hi Rosie and Chris. Question from Canada. Oh, Canada. I love, and I like this question because she genuinely doesn't know the answer to this and she's confused. Okay. I love the podcast and love listening to your accents.

I'm wondering when you say us when talking about yourself, is that an English thing, a regional thing, or do you just like referring to yourself in the third person? So she doesn't, so, do you know what I mean? Does she not mean when we say yous? No, us, like, I think it's like us,

like, so if it's like um oh he hit us with that do you know what i mean oh and then that's regional yeah he hit us with that yeah so is she thinking that english people like she think she thinks it's a regional version of one would like some lettuce in the night whilst with one's child. Okay. I get it. Okay.

Yeah, I think I get that. But you imagine listening going, these are really like quite common in the talk about like shit and stuff. But they refer to themselves as the royal we. Like how confused has she been? Sitting in Canada going,

it's crazy over there. But we do actually, because as Geordies as well, we say like plaster and master. Yeah. Which are the posh ways of like plaster. Yeah, it annoys people, doesn't it? Master. Yeah, because other people say plaster and master.

But we say plaster and master. Yeah. We're just weird. It's the strangest little accent In the world Everyone loves it It is a weird accent I mean sorry

It's nice It's alright It can sound really friendly Or really It's one of the only ones That can sound really friendly And really angry at the same time I agree

Yeah I love accents me Well that's Well our question Our question goes on What is your favourite accent And are you any good at doing accents

now you you've done your Bristolian accent I've done that yeah I love that and Robin's getting good at them so the answer is yes

we're both good at accents and so is my child yeah he's better than us annoyingly he's great at scouse scouse scouse as I'm told

he's got very high pitch when they get angry yeah we do that was bad example I told our Scousers and Jodies get very high pitch when they get angry. Yeah, we do. I told our Liverpool friend in the corner to not speak while we're doing the podcast. Sorry. Stop it. Going in from Lindsay.

Hi, Lindsay. My wife and I love your podcast and never miss an episode. All the talk of manky toenails reminded me of a pretty horrifying story my sister told me. She recently moved house and during the renovations found in the main bathroom a visually stunning art deco style ceramic jar. On closer inspection and to her surprise,

she found years worth of cut toenails inside the jar why why is that a thing and why do we always talk about toenails in a jar

who's putting them in the jar and it's in the bathroom just pick it up and tip it into the toilet so hang on are the toenails in the vase

or are they in a jar inside the vase they're in like the vase it's a vase so it's in the vase he or she is using the same word for vase here as jarails in the vase or are they in a jar inside the vase? They're in the vase. It's a vase. So it's in the vase. He or she is using the same word for vase here as jar. So in the house that they bought, there is a beautiful, visually stunning, may I add,

art deco vase. And in it, there are years worth of toenails. Shockin' that lady. To my horror, my usually very hygienic and tasteful sister binned the toenails but kept the jar to put bits and bobs in. Well. Gotta do what you gotta do. That's a horrific story. I've also got a story

which I can't believe I've never told you. Oh, wow. And this is a little bit closer to home. Years ago, my mum bought my dad a pair of shorts from the charity shop. Yeah. When he wore them... Swimming shorts. Yeah, when he wore them... Swimming shorts.

Yeah, when he wore them, put his pockets, put his hands in the pockets, there was toenails. What the hell's going on with everyone? People are vile. Why? Vile. Have a word with yourselves.

Your mum told me off the other week because I left my toenails all over the bathroom floor and it was because I was in a hurry leaving and I was going... That's awful. I don't know why you do that. I was going to hoover them up what I do is

I go I let them go crazy I let them fly about I've been in the shower so they're not pinging everywhere and then I just hoover them up and your mum was like do you always do that

the hoover had run out of battery because we've got a cordless one now and it ran out of battery and I couldn't do it and I was in a hurry and I apologise but I'm not putting them in a little thing

or keeping them or putting them in a little jar oh no you're just leaving them on the floor so that you know your family your child could pierce his skin

with your big toenail, you monkey little grotberg. I think I am Freddy frigging Kruger. Pierce his skin. Watch it. Mate, have you seen your talons?

I'd watch a telly through them. Doesn't make any sense. Just when we're watching a telly, you've got your feet up. See the telly through your talons.

I thought you meant that you were like you make a pair of binoculars. I don't know. I didn't understand the reference. Can we stop talking about toenails? Gross. I'll try. No promises. I get asked this a lot.

This has been sent in. I get it on Twitter loads, but this has genuinely been sent in the podcast, right? From Alice. Hi, both. I really want to go to Chris's 2020 tour, but I have no one to go with. Is it weird to go to Chris's 2020 tour but I have no one to go with

is it weird to go to a gig alone oh no now that is a shameless plug for my tour but also something I really do want to answer I don't think it's weird

at all not at all not in the slightest as a comedian every time I go to see one of my friends unless they're up here if I'm at Edinburgh Festival

or if I happen to be in London going to see someone I'm always on my own yeah always I go to be in London going to see someone, I'm always on my own. Yeah. Always. I go to see you all the time on my own. Yeah.

Because I think when you sat, when you sat in a theatre and there's loads of other people there, you're watching, so you don't need to be chatting or anything. I'd rather everyone came on their own. Why's that? Just so no one talks to each other.

I'd much rather that. Nothing worse than seeing a pair, someone whipping their phone out and someone leaning over and talking to them yeah true infuriating this is this is a thing though as a british people for some reason we're terrified to do things on our own yeah people won't eat on their own some people won't even go shopping on their own like i love doing stuff by myself i love a restaurant on me i do you know why because i don't have you going i'm not finished yet no you can't go to the toilet. Don't leave the table.

I just hide it all in and I run to the toilet. I wash my face and I run out still chewing. That's nice. Yeah. That was nice what you just said. That's what I do.

I like going with you, but I like going on my own more. Ruin it now. Yeah. No, it's fine. I'm not trying to fix it. It'll be great. You'll be able to go on your own

after I shrink me because obviously you'll cheat on us but then she'll realise that you're a nut job and she'll leave you and then you'll be on your own after a straight day because obviously you'll shit on us but then she'll realise that you're a nut job and she'll leave you and then you'll be on your own by yourself eating alone forever twinkle toes

well I've got that look for you so that's good and you'll have no money because I'll have rinsed you aww laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing I think she's cracked. She's actually officially cracked up.

Can I remember when I had a gig in my hometown and a mate of mine said, last minute, he was like, oh, you got any tickets for tonight? And I was like, yeah. He's like, oh, me and the girlfriend are coming. I went, all right, great. I've got two tickets. And the tickets were they were in front

and behind each other for an hour long show I begged, steal and borrow and I was like there's two single seats one in front one behind and they wouldn't come in

and I went and he went oh the seats aren't next to each other we're not coming in well fuck you man thanks for that it's just different people it's a confidence thing Chris

Alice come on your own don't worry about it. Yeah. So where's she going? I'll go and I'll sit next to her. Don't say that. They'll all... Everyone will frigging send that email in now.

They'll just want to sit next to you. And I'll just hear you nattering on. Ah, not true. He's changed that bit. Ah, well, you think that's why you shouldn't see what he does. Bloody... I don't know how he'd know about that. He's never here

You and Alice getting pissed and slagging us off We'll heckle you Heard it before When you're gonna get funny Do us a dance Do us a dance That's gonna be the new heckling it by the way Do us a dance

I'm gonna come to your a dance I'm going to come to your gigs and I'm just going to stand at the back with a boom box and play like cha cha slide Jason Cook said that

every single time he gets me on at his gig at the Customs House from now on it's going to be the Strictly theme tune brilliant oh god I need to stay

in past week one fucking hell the pressure's massive it's time for this week's celebrity question yay and this week's celebrity question. Yay. And this week it is the local lad done bloody fantastic the awesome and lovely

Joe McKeldry. I like to call him our Joe. Our Joe. Our Joe. Do you know when he was on X Factor I went into a local Greggs in King Street in South Shields. Might have been Fowler Street. And there's about 20 of them down there. Oh, there was.

And I bought something and she just said, bye-bye, vote Joe. Because he was on the way out. Yeah. And I thought that was lovely. I love the way they get behind everyone. We got well behind Joe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the Axe Factor days.

He's a lovely lad. He's doing very well. And he has his question. Hello, Rosie and Chris. It's Joe McElderry here. So my question to you guys is, you're both obviously in the public eye and recognizable and i want to know what is the strangest encounter you've had with somebody

where they've recognized you in the street in a pub in an airport wherever what did they say and the strangest thing you've had said to you nice one oh good question very good question um it used to be just me didn't't it? But we both get it now. Yeah, it's a bit surreal, isn't it? Yeah. I like it, though. I don't mind it, but we had years of just you. Do you remember when we were in Asda?

Right. At the checkout, Robin wasn't born, but we were paying for our stuff, and it was going through the scan, and some bloke came up and just handed me his phone and cuddled you. Like put his arm around you.

Didn't say anything. Handed me his phone, put his arm around you and just went, all right. I was like, oh, so I'm taking a picture of you, am I?

Like, so rude. And now they do it to me and it's fine. Yeah, it was probably rude to be fair. The weirdest one I've ever had, and I don't think we mentioned it on here before

I used to host gigs in Leeds back in the day sure yeah wow I meant like it was compay

I'm not sure enough this was before I toured I used to do at the original Oak in Leeds I would host the comedy night

yeah and we had different comedians on sometimes people off the telly but sometimes not you know it was just

like circuit comic brilliant comic but people off the telly but sometimes not it was just a comic brilliant comic but people off the circuit and this last came once and she got us to sign her back in a sharpie

and she came back the week after because I was always there it was tattooed oh no she got the sharpie on her back she actually got

she showed you a tattoo she showed us her back and she got my my signature tattooed on her back. She actually got it. She showed you a tattoo. She showed us her back and she got my signature tattooed on her back. There is... Right. And she must be buzzing how well I'm doing in my career. Strictly must have got it now.

She must have shot herself. She must be wearing backless tops again now. I'm a bit... You've never told me that before. Isn't that nuts? There is someone out there with your name tattooed on their back. Tattooed on her back. That's... Yeah. Horrific. So bizarre, isn't it? Dwi ddim wedi dweud hynny i mi o'r blaen. Nid yw hynny'n wych? Mae rhywun allan yno gyda'ch enw chi wedi'i tatwadu ar ei chyfrif. Mae fy ngheiriaeth wedi'i tatwadu ar ei chyfrif. Mae hynny'n...

Ie. ...horiffig. Mae'n ffynhadol iawn, ond mae'n ffynhadol iawn. Rwy'n siwr bod gen i, Darren Brown a Jimmy Carr. Rwy'n siwr bod hynny oedd hynny. Nid yw hynny'n ffynhadol i fod â nhw i fod yn ffynhadol. Rwy'n gobeithio. Rwy'n hapus yno.

Rwy'n deall... Rwy'n teimlo'n ychydig yn dda nad oedd dim ond chi. Ie. Mae'n ychydig... Mae'n ychydig yn ddynol y bydd pobl eraill yno. John, gallaf ddod a chael rhai papur o'r sân a mynd i'w ddod o'i gael. Wel, rydych chi'n gwybod? Mae'n deall... so it's a bit it's tainted a bit that there's other people there get some sandpaper and go and find her well you know what I mean it's like

aww could it not have just been me I think she may be by now one of them people who've got like so many tattoos you can't even see it

oh okay right I'm thinking it's like a plain blank canvas back but just with my name on it I hope she hasn't been on tattoo fixes that would be upsetting

and I've missed it have you changed your signature at all it's me it's me famous person signature not me um check doing checks and stuff signature yeah you got a different one well yeah because you you see i need a different one yes you need a different one you see me signing stuff financial documents and stuff and like when we've got a call the other week and you laugh every time i do because it's Oh, because it's massive and it's arrogant. It's a fucking mess. And I don't like it at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't fit in the lines and it's just, you've ruined me beefs. My signature? What are your beefs? You've got a really arrogant signature. It's horrible. That's the best and worst insult I've ever received.

It's massive. It's illeg best and worst insult I've ever received. It's massive. It's illegible. Is that the word? You can't read it yet. Can't read it. Doesn't fit in the lines. I'm glad she hasn't got that on her back. I think I'd say the box.

If she had that on her back, honestly, they'd have killed her. They'd have killed her trying to put that on. They'd have had to put it on with a samurai sword. It's like the go around the front. It's a wrap around. Oh, I got that

Chris Ramsey signature tattoo. Yeah, I only got half of it. I'm saving up to get the other half done. Go back to get it finished off. And that's it for another week. Thank you so much again for listening.

Get in touch with us if you would like. Shagmaridanoid at gmail.com yeah thanks very much guys my 2020 tour is on sale now chrisramseycomedy.com

for tickets to add to the Rosie Ramsey sofa fund yes please yeah really genuinely I came up with the idea

the other day where I said okay you can get new sofas but you've got to get rid of another one first and I thought it would be like a threat and you were like

yeah I was planning on that so that's annoying oh yeah well you know I've got my first, second another one first and I thought it would be like a threat and you were like yeah I was planning on that so that's annoying well you know I've got my first, second, third so third would be chopped yeah good so that's good so I've set myself up for that

glad I'm going to be on tour to be fair for all the delivery men coming and delivering sofas can't wait yeah and cool and check

I was going to say something about Strictly but you can't say watch Strictly can you watch Strictly no vote for vote vote for Chris it's not fucking on yet well it's going to say something about Strictly but you can't say Watch Strictly can you? Watch Strictly? No. Vote for Vote for Chris

It's not fucking on yet Well it's going to be though soon I'm getting in there first Vote for Chris Vote your Chris

Our Chris Everyone in the local Greggs by the way Everyone in the local Greggs You better be bloody telling people to vote for me Right?

Babe I'm putting posters up for you Are you? I've got your back. Do you know where you've got Instagram? You can just post it on there if you want. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Plus, if you put posters up in our local area, I think people will just draw cocks on them. That would be fun to watch. You're going to put one up with a cock already drawn on it, aren't you? Yes. Cool. Look forward to that. Bye, guys.

Lovely you back. guys love you bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and Netflix series this unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

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