Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 274. Get your head stuck in

Episode Date: June 21, 2024

In this episode of Shagged Married Annoyed Chris and Rosie discuss places they DON'T want to visit, Space being on the top of Rosie's list (even with 100 Tampons). Chris gives Mondays a kick up the backside and the beefs get personal when Chris reveals that Rosie read one of his texts. QFTP's involve an incredible/unusual kink and there are some stellar icks which kick off a chat about the John Barnes rap...cue Best Mate Steph! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney Plus. In Season 3, Carmy and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade. A Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Iowa Deberry and Mattie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27th only on Disney Plus. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Noid with me, Rosie, and my husband, Chris and we are… Don't. June 27th only on Disney Plus. Hello. You're listening to Shagmire Noid with me, Rosie and my husband, Chris.

And we are the Ramses. What? Be fooled by her upbeat tone. Don't. She's having a stinker. She's having a stinker. Stop it. She's having a stinker.

I'm not talking about me period. Again, four years we've been doing this podcast. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. She said it. What do we got for her? We've got a big box of, which ones the ones that you slap on or the ones that you stick up?

Which ones you want you can pick on this game show? Wow. Stick ups please. Box of stick ups. Here you go, catch. We've talked about this before, haven't we? About when that woman went to space and NASA, she only went for like 10 days or something

and they literally give her like hundreds of tampons. I've never heard about this in my entire life. Just a second, hang on. Some woman's done a parody song on the internet. That's how I heard about it. Right. Two seconds. Ahead of her 1983 space flight,

NASA suggested sending astronauts Sally Ride with 100 tampons for the week-long trip. 100! 100! 100 tampons! Oh, is that so? If something happens to the ship, she can make a little ship out of tampons and fly back in it. Clearly, I don't understand what they were thinking. Was she the first woman... No, she wouldn't be the first woman. Was she the first woman... Right. I don't mean to offend anyone. Was she the first woman, no she wouldn't be the first one. Was she the first woman, this is right, I don't mean to offend anyone, was she the first woman to menstruate in space? Men's space?

Men's space, I don't know to be honest with you. That's interesting. No idea. Well, cause I read a thing recently where they said, did I do it on Extra Extra? I'm not sure, but we did a thing where they reckon that you might not be able to have sex in space. Why? But you might not be able to recreate, recreate, reproduce in space.

Something to do with zero gravity and like how the reproductive system works. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I But yeah, I think that's why I didn't do it on that. But no, it's like, oh, it's like a whole thing of like, oh, we might not be able to have babies in space. And I was like, oh, shucks. Oh, back to the drawing board.

Devastated. Yeah. Never want to go, by the way. You gave her to space? No, no, no. Are you sure? Chris, there's certain parts in this world that I don't want to go. Oh, there's loads of places I don't want to go. So why would I want to go to space? Here's a question. Where's the worst, here's a question. Where's the worst, if I click my fingers now and you just, you're teleported to the place, where's the worst place you could be teleported to right now?

So I click my fingers and you appear. On an ice thing. On an ice thing. On like an ice thing in the middle of, and there's a polar bear there. Right. Get me out of there. So the Arctic then. The Arctic.

You know when people are like, oh you're gonna take the Benz to Lapland? No I'm not. No, why would I wanna go somewhere really fucking cold where you can't even wear mascara because your eyelashes freeze. Right. I'm all right, I just don't wanna be really cold.

Right, okay. I feel like you've got a real cartoon version of the Arctic, not Antarctica. There's no polar bears in Antarctica, because that's what it means. It means no polar bears. Well, I just don't like being cold. Right, so you wouldn't want to go there. But then the flip side, do I want to be in the desert? Probably not.

Right, okay. I'd rather be in the desert. I'd rather be in the desert. So if I click my fingers now and send me to the desert, you'd be buzzing to be in the desert. I wouldn't be buzzing. I'd be devastated, but you know. Why? Why can I not get you an ice present? I also don't really want to go anywhere that's like crazy busy you know when you watch on the telly when they're like squeezing people

into so like is it Japan? Or they're kicking people into trains and that? When they're like getting everyone in the train I'm alright for that. I know. Or they're lovely places I'm sure. Can you imagine that being your commute? And then have you ever seen when they're like on I think it's like India or somewhere, they're just in the cars and they're just like honking at each other and it's just looked terrifying. Wouldn't like that either. So like, so not a densely overpopulated place,

not a place that's really, really hot and not a place that's really, really cold. Yes. You know what you should do? Do you want to stay in South Shields? I'd just like it, yeah. There it is. All right then, look.

The only place I'm really desperate to go. Look, I'll not click my fingers, I promise. The only place I'm really desperate to go is like Austria. You have to, I've said this for years. I want to go like Switzerland in the, and like in, but in summer, not in the cold. See, I've, I don't know, like, I don't want to sound like a total, I don't know, like,

No, come on. Like, no, just like an idiot or like someone with, you know, a really narrow mind, but I've seen all the photos of it and stuff, like it looks mint. But when I get there, I'm just going to go, oh yeah, I saw the photo of this. Take that with everything, though. Yeah, and I always think if someone is lush, if there's a beautiful view, I always think,

oh, I'd like to have a beer there. And I think, oh, do I just want a beer? Because I can just go downstairs in my fridge and I can just get a beer and I can just stay here. No, but then, but isn't that quite a nice, we're not at that point right now, but it's gonna come. We're gonna get back where we're gonna be, we can sit and we can have a view.

You can wake up in the morning, you can have your coffee. Oh, you in the morning you can have your coffee oh yeah because at the minute it's just I'm just parenting in another place where all your stuff isn't there yeah yeah yeah and thank you for asking where I wouldn't like to be oh sorry where would you like to be I just don't want to be anywhere too busy too hot or too cold swamps oh swamps Florida Keys you see when it's just like knee-high water and snakes and shit for miles around. Oh, no. Terrifying. There's just crocodiles walking about.

That's where they live, love. Absolutely not. Check your privilege, that's where they live. Look at them. Just what are you doing walking about here? I live here, love. Yeah, true. They lived here before us, didn't they? They did, they did indeed. Aren't they like dinosaurs?

Yes. Yeah. Yes, they are. Yeah. Yes. The closest thing we've got to dinosaurs. Yeah, thank you. Well done. You're welcome. Someone's learning things like that. That'll be me. Thank you very much. Oi, do you know what Robin's learning about Stone Age at the minute? One of his questions last night, I didn't correct it because I was like, what am I meant to say? Sorry. It

said. Sorry, you're trying to correct his homework. No, so it was just an opinion that he put and I thought, well, that's his opinion. The last question was, which era of the Stone Age would you want to live in and why? No, yeah. No, something like that, wasn't it? Would you want to live in the Stone Age?

Oh, would you want to live in the Stone Age and why? And he wrote, no, because I would die. I just I went, I went, well, no, I went. And he went, well, I wouldn't survive. And I said, but that's not and I thought, well, no, you kind of. Well, again, so he's so he's used our rules here of snapping your fingers and you're just there now. He's not like you live there and you born there and you know what's going on.

But what he actually wrote was, I read it this morning, it was on the kitchen island this morning. And what he actually wrote was, no, because I would die straight away. So again, so he is like, yeah, his fingers click, you're in the storage, but he's died immediately.

So literal, just like his dad. But do you know what it is? I couldn't, he was just about to go to bed, wasn't he? Yeah. And I couldn't be arsed. So I made him add an extra sentence this morning. Oh, what did you add? I said put a reason and he went, well, that's the reason I would die straight away.

I went, no, I went, you would. I said you would die straight away. I said write something like I would die straight away because it seems really it would be difficult to survive or something like that so we wrote something like that. Oh so well done. I didn't check it. Glad he's got you. Guys thank you so much for being here thank you so much for listening to this episode 274 I think I can't remember when I checked that last and thank you so much please obviously click follow and like and subscribe and rate and all that

fucking shit on all your podcast shops. All that fucking shit! Really makes it sound less... less sort of worthy when I say it like that. But we genuinely do really, really love the fact that you listen and that you're here. And we don't take it for granted. Thank you so, so much. And without further ado, it's time for this week's... Loo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho Alucrative, alucrative sponsor. I miss Ace Ventura quotes. Do you now? I used to do it all the time. I've just got to get to something. Hold on.

Oh, awesome. It's the backing track for this week's sponsor. Are you adding music? Are we allowed to add music? Copyright free. Google did. Oh my god. Can you hear it? Yeah, I don't know, can you? Not sure. Oh come on, this is exciting. Oh my gosh. I feel all patriotic.

This week's sponsor, this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is my new line of motivational quotes and phrases. Oh yes. Motivational speeches. Yeah. Guys, it's Monday morning.

Open your eyes. Eyes a little bit foggy. There's some sleep in your eyes. Rub that sleep out of your eyes. Get up and attack the day. Yeah. You get up, you put your socks on, you put your shoes on, you brush your teeth.

You go out there, you do not listen to the naysayers. You go out there, you attack the day up and attack the day. You get up, you put your socks on, you put your shoes on, you brush your teeth, you go out there, you do not listen to the naysayers, you go out there, you attack the day. You attack the day, you grab Monday by its face, you spit in Monday's face, you get your thumbs, you push your thumbs right into the eye sockets of Mondays, you pull them out a bit, you pull it out, you take your penis out, you piss into the holes, and you tell Monday, you say, listen, Monday,

fuck you, Monday, fuck you, and tell your mates, tell Tuesday, tell Wednesday, Thursday, all of them, tell them I'm fucking coming for them, none of them are safe, there's no way they can go, I will fuck them up. Yes. Thank you. Were you motivated? Are you okay? So, yes and no. Are you motivated? Yeah, I feel a little bit fizzy inside.

Good. In a good way. Was it the pissing in the eye socket space? No, why did it have to go down that road? Why couldn't you have just kept it, you know? Because Monday needs to be told who's boss. Monday is a dick. You kick fuck out of Monday and it'll tell all its mates and they'll all fall in line.

We don't even have a regular work in a week anymore. Monday's actually my favourite day. Is it? Yeah, because we've had like two days of the kids carnage. Oh, you hate being a dad, don't you? No, it's just, it's exhausting. You are so desperate to just always get rid of your children. But they go, they go, you know, they go to nursery, they go to school on Monday

and I'm like, oh my God, this is me again, I can do stuff. Oh my God, I can think. You'll miss this. You're going to miss this. You're gonna miss this. I'm gonna look forward to when we can all do our own thing. We can all watch our own things on the telly. I'm gonna look forward to the point when I can put the UFC on without you going,

can you turn that off? I don't want the kids seeing that violence. Do you know what I'm not gonna miss? What? Just fucking getting up every 30 seconds. Yeah. Just, I'm not gonna sit down anymore in the house. I'm just not gonna bother sitting down.

I'm just gonna stand up. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I stand, I'll down anymore in the house. I'm just not gonna bother sitting down. I'm just gonna stand up. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I stand, I'll just lean on a wall. Cause it's like the setting to your arse, it's the sofa. I say, I want a chocolate biscuit. I'm fucking fucked, fucked, fucked. Yeah. I said before, man,

Peyton, it's like being a waiter in a restaurant where you only got one table. But every time you start chilling out, they want something else. They want some more bread, they want some more. Well, we did another thing the other day. Thing? We did a thing.

So, Rafe is a terrible eater, right? And I'm like, he's really picky, blah, blah, blah. So, basically, on Saturday, was it Saturday or Sunday? Sunday, I made, when did I make the dinner? Father's Day, late night? Sunday. It was Sunday, I made a Sunday lunch. Basically, we kind of starved him a little bit.

And I just, he had his breakfast dead early. And then I was like, you're not getting any snacks. You're not getting, no. You're not getting any reasons. You're not getting any crap. You're getting fuck all. You just graze this all day. And I was like, no, because I'm going to try something out here, because I think you're just not that hungry when it comes to your dinner. Anyway, so I like starving, but then because I was so starving,

I made the dinner for like half 11. We must be the only family in the country who eats their lunch at like half 11. So early. Anyway, what was driving. He ate his full dinner, ate the chicken, ate the lot and you know when you're like, I am a fool. A fool thinking he's picky, he's not, he's just not hungry enough. So from now on.

He's just doing loads of stuff. He had about six things for his breakfast this morning but it was non-stop. I know. Non-stop. Well, we need to tell our parents to stop letting him sleep. Good luck telling the grandparents anything. They don't fucking listen. My mum and dad have been told numerous times, don't let him nap. Do not let the kid nap. He fucking sleeps every time he's here.

Why? Are they that boring? They must be because he never sleeps yet. I've told them the day, no dummy.. I've said do not give him a dummy. Well I spoke to him this morning about it. Oh God, what's the worst? I told him, I said that it's just for bed. Rosie, there's every chance that as I'm saying these words now,

he's sitting there with two dummies in his mouth. He will be. Two, he'll have three. One and he chants. Honestly, he loves going to your mum and dad's. He loves going to my mum's. He absolutely loves it. It's unbelievable. That's whatever the fuck he wants.

Bastard! Let's go. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Oied.

Just want to give a quick little plug on the podcast. Yous were power of the podcast. Well, we went to theatre last week. Ah, yes. In London and the old smoke. And we went to see Mean Girls musical. So good. It was so good. And I've never seen the film. You've not seen the film.

And it's not and I'll tell you right now, it's not directed at me. So I didn't know there, but they are not going. What do quite cynical thirty seven year old comedians want to watch? They are not their target audience. No, you're not. And I thought it was fantastic. And you loved it. It's so funny. Really good. Really. I checked the tickets and this like tickets available. And I was like, please, please go and see it because I want it was fantastic. And you loved it, it's so funny. Really good, really funny. But I checked the tickets and there's like tickets available

and I was like, please, please go and see it because I wanna see it like when I go to London next time and if it's not there anymore. So selfishly just want it to keep going so you can go again. It should keep going cause it's genuinely really good. What's weird with West End shows though, isn't it? It's like if you're not sold out for the first 10 weeks,

it's something to worry about. Sometimes it can just not do well and you go see it and you're like, no, this is absolutely mint and it should do well. And also another big shout out, if you go into the theatre, Operation Mint has been extended. So good. Phenomenal. So many good things on.

So good. Yeah. The cast of Mean Girls were brilliant. The whole thing. The talent man, the talent is like incredible. I mean, I felt old. Oh, I know. There were children. There were actual children. We were right at the front, weren't we? We were in the second row. Yeah. Which was annoying because I got the tickets last minute and there was hardly any left

because it was only the second week it was open. And I told Chris where we were and he was like, what about my neck? You know, and you're like, oh, fuck you. Look, if I look up for too long, my hand's going numb, right? I've got a disc issue, nerve nipping in a disc, that you did on the VR years ago, which is still perpetuating. Yeah, but what, talk about feeling old. I mean, I know we're not, it's all relative, I know, you know, fucking hell, it's fine. But sometimes you go-

No, we are getting older. We are getting older. I was at the swimming pool the other day, swimming baths, as we call it in the North East. I always find it weird that we call it the swimming baths. You go to the swimming baths. Oh yeah, why do we? It's so strange. Anywhere else in the country, do you call it the swimming baths, as we call it in the Northeast. I always find it weird that we call it the swimming baths. You know what, the swimming baths. Oh yeah, why do we? So strange, anywhere else in the country, do you call it the swimming baths? Well, actually, we just call it the baths. The baths, I'll beat the baths, sorry.

I've never noticed that, why do we do that? I don't know, is it a Roman thing? Bath might call it baths. Anyway, so I went. I've never been to one of them, you know, the Roman spa bath things. I'd love to go to one. Oh, I- Are they still a thing, are they still a thing? I, you know, the Roman spa bath things. I'd love to go to one.

Are they still at thing? Are they still at... I don't know. All I remember is, you know, we'll know how my mom and dad like hate traffic so much. If there's any kind of traffic, they'll just like, they'll tell us. Oh, they love it. There was loads of traffic. Yeah, okay. I remember years ago when I was little, we went away for the weekend and we ended up down at Bath. There was a massive queue to get into Bath. Yeah, there was a massive queue to get into Bath, like a huge queue of traffic to get into Bath. And they just fucking,

they just went off at about it the whole time. That's me main. Even though I've done gigs in Bath since and had fantastic shows in Bath as a comedian, I think in Bath at Comedy Club. But all I remember now is massive queue when I was in Bath. A lot of things have affected you throughout your life.

I definitely hold onto shit. You really do. Keep it in there. But, so we've got a slide at the pool in South Shields at Haven Point, and it's got red man, green man. So someone goes down, it goes, you know, it goes green man, they go down, and it says red man.

Don't tell them your secret of what you do with the bin. No, no. You'll get your belt. I'm not talking about that. We're not talking about that, right? So then- Can I tell them? No, cause I'll get fucking collared next time

we're in the baths, I can't, swimming pool. I can't. I'm gonna tell them. Ah, go on then. Chris pushes Rafe in front of him. So Rafe's just like lone wolf, he's only three. And then I chase him down the side and I catch him. He loves it, he loves it.

So there we go, so I'm banned from there now, great. That's both local baths I made a prick of myself in. So the green man was coming on too early. So someone went down and I'm sitting there waiting to go. And then it was green man straight away. And I was like, I am a professional on this slide. I know unless they are smothered in fucking butter, there was no chance that they're at the bottom

of that thing now. So I looked over the side and obviously they weren't. So I went at the bottom, I thought, I'll tell the lifeguards that the green thing, that the green man, red man's not working. I couldn't I almost couldn't get the words out of my mouth they'd be like gods were so young right it was a lad and alas they were so helpful so lovely dead professional

perfect and they fixed it but I walked up there and I was like this is mental like how young you're talking like 20 16 easily 16 children like an actual child and I had to go and go the green man with man not working up there and they were like okay they were great okay no problem they went sorted but I was like you do like this is insane like they were so children I went over me mate I went over to Jordan I went I've just had to tell two children that that's broke it's insane but it's life anything do their job they've got the, their actual lifeguards. I'm not slacking them off.

What I'm saying is... We're just getting older, man. ...fucking old fucker. I know, we are getting older, but it's good. I love aging. It's all good. But... But what? But nothing? There's no but. Oh, God. There's no but. It's a pleasure to be getting older.

It's a joy. We've got better things to look forward to now. It's a gift. We're just looking forward to getting through the trenches. Get me through the trenches. Of having young kids. Let my kids be able to stay up late and not hassle me for everything. They could really put themselves to bed. Oh, that would be nice, wouldn't it?

It would be amazing, wouldn't it? Goodness me. So I forgot to tell you something last week. All right. So obviously I love making the kids laugh. Now and then the kids do something that makes you laugh. Like, you know what I mean? You laugh a little bit at your kids.

Oh yeah, they're hilarious. Rafe had me, like I was properly laughing the way I would laugh at like one of my mates telling us something funny the other day. So when I wasn't very well last week, when I was a very brave boy, and then we went to London, we did the wheel, and we had meetings and stuff, and I still wasn't well,

so I was a super brave boy. You're gonna tell them about the wheel, how you kicked everybody out? I can't give too much away about the wheel, but all I can say is, I was hugely upset about something that happened on the wheel. Upset so much. No, I wasn't talking about that.

Oh, were you not? I'm talking about before we started, you had to get off. Oh yeah, so I was a very brave boy and I was poorly, and you get on and let behind the curtain here, all of that sort of the wheel dancing, all the cameras on you when you're dancing, when it's spinning around in between categories, that's all filmed at the beginning.

So you get on and it's before anything happens, before the show starts, and they've got a GoPro on each chair and you spin around for what must be 10, 15 minutes while they're just dancing, they just get the cameras on everyone and they make them dance. And because I was being a very brave boy, but I was still very, very poorly boy.

I had to get off, didn't I? It was very embarrassing, though, because I had to be sat there and they were like, is you OK? I was like, yeah, it's just not. But then but then I think a few of them might not heard. And I think they must have thought, oh, what a diva. Yeah. But who me? Yeah. Yeah. You just full on got off and then we had to wait to do your bit. No, they did mine at the beginning.

And then they got me off and said, you can go and stand over there. Cause I was, it was weird. Cause the lights go around. It was not a very nice light. It doesn't go that fast, but the lights are sort of going the opposite way. So it makes it feel like it's going really fast. It goes faster than it used to.

They sped it up. I think so. Right. So yeah. So yeah, that, but that was the thing. So they had to do all that. So I stood on my own. That was, yeah.

And you were, I mean, you were the least sympathetic. I think anyone's ever been about anything. You were just- I just can't get behind it. I just, I felt a bit sick and someone was walking us off and getting us some water. And I just heard you going, eek, eek.

It's like shouting it across the room. So that was great. But yeah, to be fair, I'm not giving anything away, but shout out to Michael McIntyre. He phoned us the next day to make sure it was all right. I thought that was really, really cool. What a lovely bloke. However, earlier in the week, when I was bedridden on the morning,

when you went for a massive walk and you just left me in bed dying, I had Rafe with us and he kept, we read a few books and stuff. And then I put the telly on for him and I rolled over and I was like, Oh, I was like, daddy's just going to have a little nap, Rafe. And he was like, he kept asking us to do stuff. And I was like, Oh, no, Rafe, I was like, in a minute, in a minute, daddy's just lying down, in a minute, daddy's just gonna have a little nap, Raven. He kept asking us to do stuff and I was like, oh no, Raven, in a minute, in a minute, daddy's just lying down, in a minute, daddy's just lying down. He went, I wrote it down, he went, daddy, can you just be a normal person please? Oh, because he weren't very well. Can you just be a normal person please?

And I laughed for so long, he was like, he had this massive smile on his face and he was like, laughing away, like buzzing that he'd made us laugh, but he didn't know why. But can you just be a normal person, please? I mean, in that moment, no and never. But thanks anyway for asking, son. Just really quickly tell you how I kicked myself out last week. We took one, we took Robin home and one of the girls in the school lives next to us so we took her home as well after his little concert thing that he did the other night. Oh, this was embarrassing.

Ayy, I didn't realise until you actually, I looked at your face and you were just so disgusted and so embarrassed for us that I thought, oh my god, who am I? So the kids were in the back talking about, I'd got them like a little Nutella dip thing, you know, the Nutella goes, I got them from Costco and I've literally ate about 12. Anyway. Yeah. We shall be doing that again. Yeah, we need to stop, we just need to stop buying stuff because I'm, you know, getting out of hand. Anyway, they were chatting in the back and they were like coming up with ways that they could do it and they were like, oh we should have pancakes in this, pancakes

dipped in Nutella and blah, blah, blah. And And I joined in didn't I? I fully joined in. I was like, that's such a cool idea. And they both just looked at us like I was a piece of shit. It was yeah, they were just like, oh she should have pancakes in it. And you went, oh yeah pancakes would be great, pancakes would be great in that. And they just looked at you silent and I just looked across you and I went, why are you getting involved? There's kids in the back having a big crack on. What are you doing? Hey, I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. Exactly, you're the one of mean girls, yeah?

Where do you want girls? Yeah, oh god, you girls keep me so young. Pathetic. Hate myself. Know your place, man. Know your place. I'm gonna be terrible, mate. I'm gonna just, I don't know.

And then we're gonna have all lads. What am I gonna do when the lads come round? What am I gonna talk... Oh God, I'm devastated! Why haven't I got a daughter? We might have to have another kid. You can shut up. What am I meant to do when boys come over? How old are they?

Well, I don't know. 16. Dress provocatively? Shall I just whack me daughter out? You boys keep me so young. Mam! Put your fanny lips away! Oh God! Oh no, that's awful. Maybe, like when they're 19, 20 I might.

16, too young, but... Oh God. No, seriously though, genuinely, you've got no idea how much I worry about this, you know. Really? Yeah, I really do worry, genuinely, you've got no idea how much I worry about this, you know. Really? Yeah, I really do worry about it because I just feel like I'm gonna just lose my kids.

You've got no, it's so, I know it's so ridiculous and I'm so sorry. And I don't know whether I'm alone in this, but I just feel like when you've got boys, I love them so with all my heart. And I want them, you know, I want them to be happy. And I don't want to be an overpowering mother and I never would be, right?

But I just, I'm just a bit sad because I just feel like it's already happening in a way because you guys have got so much more in common than what I do with the kids. And like, sometimes you laugh because I made flapjacks with Robin last night and you were like, why are you doing this? Because it's like six o'clock and I was like,

because, because I, because he doesn't want to go outside and he went like, why are you doing this? Cause it's like six o'clock. And I was like, because, cause I, cause he doesn't want to go outside and play tennis with me. You know what I mean? You asked you to play tennis two nights ago, and you said no. I was a bit, I was a bit poorly. You fucking polished it.

No, but come on. You're, they ask you first. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like don't bring that up. Cause that was a bad example. Yeah. He doesn't ask us to go and play tennis when I want to go and play tennis.

He asked us, weirdly Chris, he asked us when he wants to play it, which is so selfish. Shut up, man, will you? Oh, my mom came over the other day, made me look like the worst mom in the world. Robin, because they came over and I was just chatting with them and they literally had all morning, Robin hadn't wanted to do anything. And then they come over and he's like, when you play tennis, and my mom's like, I'll play with you. And I'm like, all right, crack on. The woman who doesn't have a job.

By the way, we're just hitting a tennis ball up and down the patio. We don't have a tennis court just so you know. No, it's just like, just playing. That sounded very much like. Did it? Which court? Center court or?

I would love to have a tennis court. Oh, well a big fucking big, big bit of concrete that gets covered in moss that you never use. Fuck off. Do you not think you would? Sorry moss that you never use. Fuck off. Do you not think you would? Sorry, can I repeat myself? Fuck off.

I think we'd use it. Fuck off. I think we'd use it. Do you want to play a game? Go outside, play Kirby in the front street. Now that's a game. That is a good game. That should be on the BBC.

Bloody tennis. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for What's Your Beef? What was that? I just thought I didn't know what to be. That was horrible. I'm looking in the computer. It spiked so much there.

I've not been eating much beef recently. You had beef Wellington before we went to the show the other night. Oh, yeah. God, you're an idiot. Oh, God. Am I your fucking secretary? I don't know. You know in court, you know in court where someone sits at the corner

and types everything that happens. I just feel like I haven't been buying much mince. I much prefer like pork mince. Right. Or like turkey mince or chicken mince. I just haven't bought much beef mince. Oh god, sorry. I can't so little, I almost passed out. Right, so my beef with you, I'm going straight in with this because I'm f***ing fuming with you, to be fair. Like this is, guys, this is a new low. This is the beginning of the end, okay?

Remember, what is it now? Episode 274, we're probably 20 odd minutes in, depending on how much bullshit and slightly offensive stuff Daisy's had to take out. We love you Daisy. Rosie has started reading my text messages. Oh, I've read my own text. Oh, there it is.

And you are slagging us off. And that's how it starts. And that's how it starts. Oh, it's really a subset, yeah. Going through my stuff, going through my phone, reading me messages, just like you see on, you know, on the old Jeremy Kyle show and all that. This is how it starts.

The trust has gone. Oh, don't actually, this is how it starts. The trust has gone. Oh don't actually, because that's really bad. Because I swear, I swear down, I do not read your text. But I was on your laptop the other day, and one popped up. And so I looked on it, on the exchanges. Oh so it did pop up, so you clicked on it and it popped up.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went and I look at this, and you, you slagged me off, and in the slagging me off. You lied. You actually lied. Yeah, you did. Come on then. Yeah, you did. What did I lie about?

You said to your mate Jordan that I'd like made you leave the swimming baths to come and get Robin and take me to a party and that absolutely did not happen. Right. I've got the text here now. Uh-huh. I've got the text here now. Let's have a look at this. You fucking piece of shit. You're the text here now. I've got the text here now. Let's have a look at this. You fucking piece of shit are you all. You're the piece of shit. But don't ever read mine because me and Steph

absolutely have your Jonathan's lives. Turns out I only had, right, so, so, I'll set the scene here. So I took Rafe swimming with Jordan and Jordan's daughter and then we went to Minchella's local ice cream parlor, big up, in the Marine Park in South Shields, lovely place, visit it if you can. So we were sitting there and Jordan said what's your plan for the rest of the day? I said well I've got rave for most of the day because Rosie's taking Robin to a birthday party. Although mate, I'll be

honest with you, I reckon I'm probably going to text her a call soon saying actually Chris can you take him. Literally seconds later, you text us and said, can you take Robin to the party? So I said- You wanted you to take him? Yeah, of course he did. So I went to- Under.

Nothing to do with the fact that your mom and Kate were here having a coffee and you didn't wanna leave them to go to the party. Nothing to do with that. Linda Liggan, maybe might have a lot to do with that. Great. So I leave, well I come back, sorry, I come back home and I go to get Robin.

And not only do you try and send us away with Robin, you then go to this eight year old's birthday party, which is at a fucking assault course for eight year olds, you go, do you think Rafe would like to go as well? So I literally grabbed Robin by the scruff of the neck, I went, hurry up, he went, why? I went, just trying to make her take Rafe. And he fucking pelted into the door

because he didn't want Rafe to come. He's literally ragged and left. I've never left the house so fast. I went just trying to make her take Rafe, and he fucking pelted into the door because he didn't want Rafe to come. He's literally ragged on the left. I never left the house so fast. I don't think I could leave the house faster if it was on fire. Right? So we got, so I text, I text Jordan right on there and I said, turns out I only had to take him because Sandra and Kate are at ours and Rosie didn't want to go out. She also tried to get me to take Rafe too. Fucking cheek of it. That's what I wrote. That's what I read.

Yeah. Can you imagine the hurt, the pain? When you read those facts. When you read that factual account of everything that had happened that day. Yeah, to be fair, all Jordan wrote back was, haha no way man, laughing face. That's all he wrote, thank God.

I said to him on Sunday night, I said, what, imagine you'd wrote back, fucking daft bitch, like wow, I was like, oh my God, we're both being absolutely naked. No, do you know what would have happened? Do you know what would have happened? What would have happened was, I'd have gone, that's your private phone,

and you're actually all out to say what you want. So that's what would have happened. And I'm genuinely, listen, and I'm not joking, I'm sorry for reading it, because we don't do that. And don't read mine because Jordan was really well behaved then when I slag you off to my mates Their reply is never that nice. Oh really? Oh so they dig me out of it? Oh my god We dig each other out. Next time they come round might have to start practicing some jujitsu moves on them So yeah, sorry about that, but it's just cuz it pinged up and I was like the little

shit Anyway, how's all good. How are the much of beef of your day? So, no, my beef with you, my beef's not actually that aggressive at all. Come on then. Just, when we get in a lift, you never press the button.

Never. I've got a guy who does that normally. No, that's awful. You don't ever press the button. You just get in and you look at your hair in the mirror or you just do something and then I'm still, if I've gone in first, I feel like the person who gets in last should press the button, you just get in and you look at your hair in the mirror or you just do something and then I'm still...if I've gone in first, I feel like the person who gets in last should press the button because I've kind of walked past the button by then.

Oh, sorry, how big is this fucking lift? You're knackered. You know, can you not get back to the buttons? They're too far away. Why don't you press the button? Because you're already in there. I think the first person in there has to press the button. Right, okay. If you're in with them. Maybe, no. If you're a stranger and you went in, I'm going to press the button.

No, because when you walk in, if you stand at at the buttons you're not in enough for you to get in as well no and if other people are getting in no it's just me and you getting in the whole every time this is happening it's just why the fuck don't you press buttons you get in first so you're supposed to press a button I let you in like a gentleman I go there you are wife in you get kick you up the bump get you in there and then you then you should press the button. And I'm normally carrying two bags. Oh, honestly.

Not out of anything from me. That's because you demand on carrying the bags, which I hate. Can you wait two seconds? I just need to quickly send Jordan a text. Right, good. Just really quickly, everyone, right? Because sometimes if I don't say something,

then I just, if it ever happened to anyone, I'd be like, I didn't say that. I saw a video the other day. Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, God, what happened to someone? Oh, a lift fell or something. When you're in a taxi, if you're in a taxi with your children, always make sure that your children get out before you do,

because if not, you could be out and they could just drive away the kids. So you sent me this, so it was, yeah. I just have to say it, I've said it now. It was like, the thing, the video was a bit a bit weird because it was like when you're in a foreign country it's like oh yeah because every single person in a foreign country wants to do that well hence why I took out yeah the foreign country because it could happen yes but that's also what so also let's borrow well let's let's go to the she's

the lady said it's it it's decent advice it's good why are you slagging it off because it's a good advice smacks of someone who's watched taken and about 30 times and thought, right, I'll be care... I'm paranoid now. What... So if you're on your own, if you've got two parents, one parent get off first, then the kid, then the parent. You can't just, if you're on your own with your kid, you can't just boot your kid out of a taxi

onto a possible main road. No, but you could get them onto the pavement and you could kind of be half and half in the taxi. So get out, right, so get out with them. Get out with them. Don't leave your kid in last in case someone steals your kid. Yeah, that's what the advice was. Isn't the internet just awful? No, the world's horrible. This world is horrible. Yeah, but we now know how much more horrible it is.

Yeah, massively. But I just thought that was quite... She sent us that everyone, by the way. I got sent that. And I will never stop. In my DMs. Because honestly, if our kids got trapped in a taxi, I'd go, If you'd have watched that video! If our kids get taken away in a taxi, and the first thing you say to me is, If you'd have watched that video, you've got some serious problems. You know I would.

Yeah. You probably would. From your ghost Lenthimos, the Academy Award nominated director of poor things and the favorite comes kinds of kindness a darkly hilarious and unpredictable film that critics are calling mind-bendingly brilliant featuring an all-star cast led by Emma Stone Jesse Plemons and Willem Dafoe kinds of kindness is a wild ride that will leave audiences discussing the experience long after it's over don't miss miss Kinds of Kindness in Select Theatre's June 28th. marriedannoyed at gmail.com. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Dear Chris and Rosie, on this rather dreary and drizzly afternoon in Norwich, the usual office banter took an unexpected turn.

What a brilliantly written introduction to a... I'm hooked, I'm already hooked. Oh, good. Fantastic. I know where they are, I know the mood, I know the weather. Speaking of beautifully written, just a random little mid podcast plug, our children's book is still up for pre-sale, if you fancy it. There's Boonami in my house. Yes, it is.

It'll be out properly September. Yes, pre-sale available on Amazon and all of the other book shops, WH Smith and Waterstones and the like. Because it's all done. And we're being sent the watercolors. The layout. The layout.

It looks class. The artwork is amazing by Paula Bowles. It's looking great. I'm so excited to read it with the kids. It's basically us but sadly we had to change their names. We didn't have to change the names but we did because we... Raph could not be the kid who shits himself in a movie. Like do you know what I mean? You cannot have that with him for the rest of his life. You could just, well that's the thing because you could just, if it becomes like you know what I mean? You cannot have that with him for the rest of his life. You could just, well that's the thing because you could just, if it becomes like, you know, a massive series of books and he's just the kid who just shits himself all over the place, that follows you around. Uni halls.

Yeah. Oh no! I'm in a hall with the kid who shits everywhere! Exactly. No. So Robin was fuming, but we've dealt with him. He didn't understand. Anyway. One of our colleagues who shall remain nameless in brackets, but her name rhymes with Hamey. Does that name Hamey?

Could be Hamish. Well, who knows? Could be Ramey. Ramey? Could be Tamey? Kamey? Could be Kamey. There it is.

I just needed another one. Yeah. That was realistic. Just to cover my backs here. She shared a rather peculiar aspect of her intimate life that left us all in stitches. Okay. She revealed quite openly and without any shame that during sex, her partner often asks her to stick her head into various household items.

This is so weird. Are you ready? Oh god yeah. These range from the freezer, the oven, and most shockingly, the loft. I was going to go wash a machine. I was going to go wash a machine. The loft. How are they doing that? Up ladders. It's got to be up ladders. Must be on the ladders. Oh gross. Unless they've got like, we've got converted loft rooms and the loft door is sort of knee height because the room used to be a loft in itself so that could possibly be it. Yeah but it's just a door still. The lofts amazing. We were all left wondering about the etiquette surrounding such requests. How on earth does one go about

asking their partner to put their head into random objects while, well, hanging out the back of them? Would you like to hear your thoughts on this one? I'll tell you my thoughts on this one immediately. I want to hear the dirty talk. There, look at that. They're loft up there. Can you see the Christmas decorations, you fucking slag? Can you see that? Can you see me old snooker trophies? Are you looking at them? Look at them, Troy! But I don't understand, like, I don't... The oven I find a bit the worrying one. Why? But why though?

Is there any damp up there? Is there any damp? Can you see any light? Oh Jesus Christ. Don't need it, don't need it, we've felt it! Ah! Mouse. Oh it's absolutely great. So what is that though?

What fetish is that? Oh God, someone who's seen too much porn maybe? I don't know. I really don't know. Head in the freezer, head in the oven. That's really weird. Very strange. I don't get that at all.

Here's a question, so annoyingly obviously this will never be answered, but is the door wide open so she's just leaning in or is he like pushing the door closed on her head? Is that his thing? Is he like gently? Because the oven would hurt. That would hurt. That's horrible. It's weird innit? And I'm gonna say it's weird because I've seen other podcasts where people go we're not kink shaming but no I'm kink shaming. Now I'm gonna you tell me you've got a weird kink I'm gonna take the piss out of you and that's what it is. I mean, that's not, that's just, I don't find that kinky at all,

you're just sticking your head in things. But that's the point though, innit? Like, it's someone else, someone else finds that fucking amazing. Yeah, well, do you know what it is though, to be honest with you? We've said it before, let's say it all again. What?

Each to their own. Each to their own, and out of all weird things that I might have been asked to do in the past, or what I could have been asked to do in the past, somebody just said, oh, you're like, head in the loft, I go, all right then. I couldn't do the freezer one. Why?

It takes me just to go back down to waste electricity. If you turn it off, you can concentrate. If you had a freezer, if we had a separate freezer, that was just a fake freezer that wasn't plugged in with no food in it. Fill your boots. Is it a chest freezer? Oh, could be a chest freezer. Why? Well, that loads, loads of heat's coming out of that. Heat rises. I'm not happy.

If you're listening, you scruffy, horrible pervert, loft, fine, oven, as long as it's not on, fill your boots. Stop doing the freezer. You're going to, you know what I mean? Isn't that how people used to top themselves back in the day? Put your head in the oven. Yeah, but they changed something in the gas. You can't, there's something in the gas now where you can't do it anymore.

God, this is grim. It's always grim, and it was always a tiddler. But it wasn't her idea. Again, she'd have not gone, Oh, no, I'll get off. Do you think it comes from, like, oh, you know, spur of the moment, oh, she was going to get some of the freezing. I just caught her. Do you know what I mean? Oh, maybe.

Do you think that's what it is? Maybe. The loft again, the loft one. I clung my head around the loft one. She was in the loft, putting away the decorations. You were in that loft, come on, no. That's so dangerous. On the stepladder, I don't like being on the stepladder

on my own. Do you remember the old house with the loft, the steps were in the bathroom, and if ever I had to pass anything up to you, I was just literally terrified. Can you imagine going at it at that moment? You'd be a nightmare. Well, you wouldn't have been able to get it in.

Yeah. I'd have been so clammed up. Oh, you're talking about the loft at first, are you? No, I was talking about my vagina. You wouldn't have been able to get in my vagina because it would have been so locked tight through sheer fear. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, guys. Short and sweet. Short it is. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hi guys, short and sweet, short and sweet,

I can't speak, ick for you. Oh, I heard a great ick the other day. Oh, go on then. Online, it was a video, it was someone. So you didn't hear it, you read it online. It was a video that I was listening to and looking at with my eyes and ears, dick. As if you're getting annoyed by it,

your entire, everything you see and hear comes from videos. Yeah I know and you constantly take the piss out of us for it. Well, touche. So god forbid I get you back for it. There was a guy interview, I was a lady interviewing a lady, anyway it was a lady and she was pissed, she was at a festival or something and it was like what's your ick and she was like right she was like when a guy gets hit by a car but it's like really slowly and it just sort of hits him and it's a slight accident and he just falls over but it's all really slow and I was just like fucking getting run over is an ick now.

It's so weird isn't it? Oh my god like oh god look at him oh phone and ambulance oh yeah but just when you wake up just so you know I'll never have sex with you. I guarantee she is the girl who puts pictures of her presents, Christmas presents on Instagram. That's her, that's her in a nutshell. Anyway, here's Nick for you. I've just walked past a guy playing fetch with his dog using a ball thrower. As he went to launch the ball, it fell out of the thrower on the floor behind him. Ick. And I get it. Oh, that's great. I get it. Oh, that's great. I get it.

No, I like that one. That's a good one. That's a real, that's a real ick. Why can't I do? What? It's such a good one. Oh, it's such a good one. Imagine how the dog fell.

The dog was the same. He's dropped it again. Oh, dude, it's so easy. It's a ball thrower. How embarrassing. You're not even throwing it with your arm. You're not even throwing it with your arm. You're not even throwing it with your arm.

You're not even throwing it with your arm. You're not even throwing it with your arm. You're not even throwing it with your arm. You're not even throwing it with your arm. You're not even throwing it with your arm. You're not even throwing it with your arm. You're not even throwing it with your arm. Imagine how the dog felt. The dog was the same. The dog, he's dropped it again. Oh, dude, it's so easy. It's a ball for a... You're not even throwing it with your arm. You've got the thing that makes it easier and you can't even do that.

It's a knack for them though. It's just a little flick. If you do a good big one... They're such a good invention. If you do a good big one, it just lands on the floor in front of you, but you've just got to right behind you now. Yeah, good.

Good invention. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! Afternoon, Rosie. I've got another one. I found a. Yeah, good, good invention. Babadoo babady ones But I'm a mate of mine went through a phase of One where like every five minutes were in the pub and he would take it out It was like fucking you know in a movie when a sniper puts it Exactly who you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean It's unbelievable and he took far too big a puff and it was really fruity and awful disgusting But it was like putting again was like an assassin. Yeah, yeah, putting the fucking it was interesting to watch There was an putting together was like an assassin yeah yeah putting the fucking I was interested to watch there was an art to it like

absolutely with that the putting what's that just all kinds yeah that's the stuff that's the vape fluid or whatever oh fucking crazy putting a silencer on fucking Stan aren't they quite bad for you though oh I don't know look with this isn't a medical podcast but all I'm saying is to quote Carl Hutchinson you know I think Carl's routine that he had about it was, in years to come, people are gonna say, well, didn't know, although I bad for you, and you're gonna say, but grander, you had to plug them into the telly.

Oh yeah, the charge on the telly, don't they? Charge on a USB, on a USB. This is sort of to do with that, right, okay. Yesterday, he came over to my flat and was sat on my sofa when he very loudly said, ooh, I wonder how much battery me vapes got. He pressed a button on the side of the device and it loudly announced in a robot voice, battery at 45 percent.

Oh, for fuck's sake. He looks so proud and he continues to get the vape to tell him the battery's percentage even in public. Which uses up the battery's percentage. Dickhead. Wow. Great. Look, I love a gadget, so I get it. Like, I do get it. I understand. I do love like buying new stuff and finding almost something new, but yeah, that's, yeah.

It's just a bit annoying, isn't it? Ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba ba doo, ba. Oh, I've got another ick, I've got loads. I love them. I know, but I find- Triple ick. Triple ick. Like we've said before, there are more beefs on there than icks, really.

Sort of, yeah, but I find it to be a- Because this is more just with a relationship thing. Again, before I say it again I find them so fascinating so fascinating it's just the way that you could be like I think falling over is the main one when a man or a woman whoever you are you fancy someone you think they are drop dead gorgeous they fall over their sex appeal fucking plummets with them. But don't you think that's when you know you love somebody when you're not bothered. When you fall over and you find it funny and you're not like... Yeah, well that's the thing, because a fleeting sort of fleeting sexual attraction

and stuff can go in moments, but yeah, obviously, you're not gonna, you know, I hope that your wife's not gonna fall over and you're not gonna be like, ah, divorce! Do you know what's a big red flag? Yeah. Just putting it out there. Yeah.

Guys who punch bins. Right. Guys who just punch things, I used to go out with a lad. Adam's Mom Yeah. Kirsty And he'd get drunk. Adam's Mom Yeah. Kirsty He's a bit older than me. This is years ago. And he would just punch shit, I remember. I'd be like, You're awful.

He just punched a bin on a night out and I was like, I don't want anything to do with this. Adam's Mom Yeah. Kirsty So, girls, if they're just punching shit, right, run a mile because that's... Adam's Mom I don't know if I told you about when I punched girls, if they're just punching shit right, run a mile. Because that's... Adam's Dad- I don't know if I told you about when I punched my bedroom wall and put a hole in it once. Kirsty- Oh God! Adam's Dad- I still lived at home.

Kirsty- Did you? Why? Adam's Dad- Because it was the last time I punched a wall. Like, obviously, you know, young man, bit of testosterone. It might be a young man bit of testosterone thing. Kirsty- Is it a rite of passage? Am I being too... Adam's Dad- I think if you still do it in your 30s, you're a dick. I think if you still do it in your 30s, you're a dick. Because you did not, I didn't know that. And you did not come across as a punching wall. Okay, well can I tell you the situation? Yeah, go on.

I wasn't arguing with a girl or something like that. So I was sitting at my computer. Oh, I knew it would be a computer game. It wasn't a game, it wasn't a game. So I didn't realise, but I had some kind of virus and I didn't know. So you turn the computer on and then after about 30 seconds it would turn off again.

And I was just trying to get my computer to work and it just kept turning off and I punched the wall. Wow. That's so disrespectful. Yeah. Bad, isn't it? I remember my dad being like, what did you do that for? And it was actually a virus, I had to get something to get rid of it for. What did your mom say?

What did you do that for? Stupid boy. But yeah. Great. Okay. Teenager, testosterone. Right, okay. I take back the full on red flag thing then. Yeah. If you're still doing it, if you're doing it sober

and in your thirties, if you're just punching shit all the time, maybe go to Jiu Jitsu man. Get some more anger out, some aggression out, controlled aggression, something like that. Yoga, meditate, jumping a cold bath. It is funny though. And I find it's actually okay right okay take I take back what I said about the red flag thing right maybe I just didn't like that guy at all but

what I find funny now is I remember being younger and going to people's houses and there would be like punch marks and doors and stuff and you'd be like oh my god who is that blah blah we're now adults and we're gonna go to houses and it'll be the people's kids will have done it. Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. Well, our lads probably will actually say that, won't they? My brother did.

My brother absolutely punched his door. Yeah. Yeah. Testosterone. I think my dad kicked his briefcase once. Was that not the day that my man made him quit work? That might be another story, sorry. Fucking hell, that was a rabbit hole.

And we've just gone past, we've just avoided that pit and we'll just keep going. And have I ever told you so? Hi Trauma! Years and years and years ago, I used to work. Trauma, Trauma. Years ago, I used to work at Sunday in the Stadium of Light. Oh, you've never told me before. Have I never told you about the punch mark in the door once? In the wall? Maybe. Go on.

So I got one day when something had happened, I think me mate got promoted and he had like a set of keys to like everywhere in the stadium and he was like, do you wanna see the dressing rooms? And I was like, yeah, so I went. The manager at the time was, I hope I'm getting this right, I think it was Mick McCarthy, was he a Sunderland manager?

Yeah. I'm sure he was the manager at the time. Obviously I'm not a huge football anorak. Was it 2000s? I don't know. A night, I can't remember. I was in between 16 and 19. Anyway, we went into his office,

went, do you wanna see the manager's office? I was like, aye. And there was a, behind the door, there was a fist mark in the door, a fist, like a punch mark. Again, don't quote us, but I think it was Mick McCarthy. There was literally a fist mark, a massive hole in the wall

and written underneath it in Sharpie was, do not mend this as it is a reminder of how shite we played against whatever team and then a date. And then he put a fucking frame around it. Really? I swear to God. Yeah, it was really funny. Really, really funny.

Yeah, so I'll, you know, if you're, you know, if you're a multi-million pound, you know, football manager, I understand you, really funny. Yeah, so, you know, if you're a multi-million pound football manager, I understand you, why you might not be there. But yeah, I don't think it'll still be there, but really funny, really funny. And if I'd had a camera phone at a time and I took the photo,

but all these things happen before fucking camera phones. Yeah, no. Imagine that, imagine that now. Oh, you're brilliant. I think it's testosterone. I think you've got a lot of testosterone running around. I think it overpowers stuff. That's why you're calm. So you lose your testosterone as you get older.

That's why I like... Oh, do you? Yeah, that's why I like, you know, people's granders and that are like, hello, you all right? Yeah, come on in. That's why our moms are really nice now because they've been through the change. Hey, young people, twats! Oh, no, my mom is the happiest she's ever been in her entire life.

And people who meet her now are like, your mom is so... And I'm like, oh, you should have met 30 year old Sandra because she was a bitch. Then again, now and then, there's still flashes of it. If I make me sell a full tin of sausage and beans, I've got four slices of toast and chocatchas, I'll never forget. If I've got something like that, if I've made myself a big meal.

I remember the key one. It was four slices, four slices of toast, sausage and beans in a minute. Oh God, look at all that. That's all I got. You've never, ever forgotten that, have you? That happened years ago. Oh, look at all that.

You know what I did? I maintained full eye contact with that. While I fucking grated half a big block of cheese on top of it as well. Good for you. Look at that, eh? Still looking good for you. Still looking, love. Are you ready?

Yes. Dear Rosie and Chris, my husband is desperately trying to learn the John Barnes rap from the England World's Cup 1990s song. I did not. I did not expect that. Before the Euro start because he thinks it would be embarrassing if he doesn't know it. I know! I'm upstairs and I can hear him mumbling, you've got to hold and do it just the right time.

You know what best but you could get to the line as he watches it on YouTube with lyrics on to learn the words he keeps getting the words wrong and getting frustrated with himself for messing up the rap. Don't punch the wall. Yeah do you know what's funny I would ring her she's at work but Steph me mate she actually knows the whole John Barnes rap yeah shall ring her and see if she'll answer and see if she'll do it? Go on then. I'm sure it's all her. It's really weird, her and Angela, me and their best friend,

they're both working with each other at school this week. Oh, I bet they're talking about you. Oh, I'm so left out. I am so left out. They're slagging you right off. No, but I do feel very left. I'll just ring her and see if she answers. She won't answer. She be with the kids. Boo. But they'll do it What would you do if her voicemail was the John Barnes rap? I would love that I'm gonna leave her a quick little voice note and just say if you get this do the John Barnes rap for us before the end

Of the podcast. Right, okay. We've only got about 10 minutes. Hi, Steph It's me if you get this and you can would you sing us the John Barnes rap so I before the end of the podcast. Right, okay, we've only got about 10 minutes. Hi, Steph, it's me. If you get this and you can, would you sing us the John Barnes rap so I can do it for the podcast? Okay, quick as you can, if you get this and if you can. All right, love you lots, bye. No fucking chance is she gonna do that. Well, you never know.

She might. Take your headphones off for a second and close, just take your headphones off. Close your ears and close your eyes. Close your, well, close your ears. How do you close your ears? With your fucking hands. Oh. How do you close your ears? Why?

Dead tight so you can't hear anything. Right. Right? Guys, see if she reacts to this. Okay. Put them back on. Okay. What are you doing?

It's okay. I just think of a question. How does a girl know that Jon Barnes rap? Oh, are you actually kidding me? There it is. Is that a joke? Yeah. And can I tell you how she knows it?

How? Gavin and Stacey. Ah, yes? How? Gavin and Stacey. Ah, yes. She loves Gavin and Stacey. She does always think it's really cool when people know random things. Yeah. What do you know that's like a random song that you know all the words to? Anything from Eminem's first two albums.

Oh yeah, you do, don't you? Yeah, literally, I don't pick any of them. Yeah. I'm asking the wrong person actually because you're really good at remembering raps. Do you know what I know? What? I know? What? I know the song from Big. Everyone knows that.

Do they? Go on, sing it. Shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy

cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy shimmy cook bob, shimmy cook bob, shimmy credit, I'm cool, I'm hot, suck it to the stomach three more times. Yeah very good. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hey Shaggers. That's me, hello. Long time listener, second time emailer. Second time. Second time, I don't know what the first one is. I always felt quite lucky that my boyfriend has never given me the ick. Oh. Until we went to the pub with our mates and he said something that made me dry up like a raisin. Excellent. We were out with our friends when a man, probably in his late 30s, came up to me, my boyfriend and our friend, all of us on Nottingham Trent students in our early 20s.

Immediately the man starts chatting up our friend explaining how when he was younger he had been a professional MMA fighter. Oh grief. Telling stories of his fighting days, showing us photos and even news articles written about his fights back in the day. Oh God! As impressive as this may have been, our friend, who had no interest in fighting, frankly couldn't care less what he was saying.

In a final attempt to win her over, he told us all how since giving up fighting, he had become a hairdresser. And he had done haircuts for many celebrities. Of course, the obvious response from us was to ask who the most famous person was that he had given a haircut to which he replied have you ever heard of H? Meaning the famous rapper. Oh H, A-I-T-C-H. At this point my 24 year old rugby lad boyfriend gets visibly very excited. This surprised

me. I thought to myself that I'd never heard him listening to H before. Who knew he was such a big fan? This surprise quickly turned to disgust when he exclaimed, wow, you've met H from Stead! Oh, get in. Said like a 35 year old woman, ick, ick, ick. That's generationally wrong as well. Yeah. Because he should, of course he shouldn't, he's too young. I mean, add absolutely big buzzer if you've done A. Trumster, but no, H the rapper, spelled

E-I-T-C-H like you said. Nice lad him. Yeah. Brilliant. Brilliant. A few months since this event and the realisation that my boyfriend maybe wasn't as macho as I'd once thought. Hadn't, hasn't quite put me off him and we're still happily together but I can't

quite look him the same when 5, 6, 7, 8 comes out of the car when it's his charge, when he's in charge of music, sorry. Fantastic. I know. I wonder whether our kids might scratch your beard again. That's gross. Great. I'm so sorry that we've got men and women who listen to this podcast. You've got to listen to his rankness of scratching his beard and then the blokes have to listen to me talking about my periods every week. So sorry about that.

There's something for everyone. There's something for everyone. I wonder if our kids will get older and love what we do. Because I loved Les Mis because my mom and dad listen to it as a kid. And I love Eurasia, Tears for Fears, Diastrates, all those kind of ones. Because my dad listened to it in the car. Yeah. Because when we were younger, we didn't get, there was no choice. No, our kids aren't going to. No, we listen to all this shit in the car. Not all the time. I never put my music on.

Not all the time. There is times when I put my foot down. I'm like, no, we're listening to Magic from the musicals and you can all sod off. I do that sometimes on journeys. It's got a good way to get them like stuff. Just by gun point. Fantastic. Betting the love all that. Great. We never got to listen to what we wanted to in the car. No, my dad had a Simply Red tape and a Wet Wet Wet tape. Oh, I love them as well.

No, like just not, like just thinking about it makes us feel... And I love the road giving home to you. Honestly, it makes us feel like I'm in a bank holiday Monday traffic jam outside bath. Yeah. Honestly. Let us out of the services. Even though the services wasn't really a thing then. I'm not being funny. Erasure though. Unbelievable. Do one of these. Oh God, don't you put it on the spot. Oh, obviously a massive fan. Don't even. Oh, I feel like I've just caught you wearing a Eurasia t-shirt and asked you who your favourite

band member is and you don't know their names. A little respect to me. Oh yeah, they're alright. I like to disturb. No. Great. A little something that makes me sweeter. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid which is part of the Acast Creator Network. You are nasty nasty pasty. Cut you off right in your big moment didn't I? Right in your big moment. Guys thank you so so so much for being here with us. We'll

be back in your ears next week if you want to get in touch at all at shagmarinoid.gmail.com. Rosie I'm very unprofessional your phone's just gone off there. Right okay she's sent I think this might be the rap. let's see, are you ready? Okay. You've got to hold and give, but do it at the right time. You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line. They'll always hit you and hurt you. Defend and attack, there's only one way to beat them. Go around the back, so catch me if you can because i'm the england man and what you're looking at is the master plan we ain't no hooligans this ain't a football song the lions on my chest

i know we can't go wrong we're playing for england We're playing for England! She's clearly whispering that in a cupboard at work. She is fucking whispering that in a cupboard at work. The kids are probably doing some work in the class. Oh, gosh. Phenomenal. Hilarious. Good luck, England.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Shit yeah. Yeah.