Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 276. Pie Fister

Episode Date: July 5, 2024

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie discuss Sports Day, Mark Whalberg's regime and the importance of sun screen! Rosie reveals that she has confessed a crush and Chris has a new sport to add to grappling. It's a QFTP special with some icks, a strange crime and an unfortunate parent incident. All of this plus Rosie thinks of a new business venture! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm Sarah Milroy, Director of the McMichael Canadian Art Collection in Kleinberg. If you love Impressionism, you'll love what we have on view this summer at the Gallery. River of Dreams, Impressionism on the St. Lawrence, features more than 150 sublime works by some of Quebec's most beloved artists. Join us for a journey down the St. Lawrence and see how Impressionism flourished in this country a century ago. Buy your tickets today at mcmichael.com, home to the art of Canada.

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Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Mardinoid with me, Rosie, and my husband, Chris. Hello! Hiya! That's us! We're here! Tis us. Bit of a different one this week everyone. This is going to basically be quite questions from the public heavy the way you like it because Rosie, we're recording this to let

everyone behind the curtain. We're recording this straight after. The day after. Yeah, episode 276 this is. We're recording straight after episode 275 because you are playing out with your new friends next week. I've just got a job. Playing with your new mates. That I'm not, one, I'm not allowed to be there. Two, we're not allowed to tell you what it is. So sorry about all of that crap again.

But just- We keep recording things, right? And then we're like, when's this gonna be on the telly? And they're like, next year. We go next year. Could have fucking murdered someone by then. Could be dead by then. Could be canceled, could be dead.

So well done. Don't say that. All of those channels for putting all your eggs in that basket, stupid. Bring it out on the, record it live. So yeah. Best way to not get canceled, just don't give your opinion about anything.

Don't depend on anything, yeah. Because it just can't be asked. And then everyone says, why don't you give your opinion? You should have an opinion. You go, because my life depends on my income and don't lose your job. And as we've said before, my opinion changes all the time. So does mine.

Someone goes, I go, yeah, two and two is four. And someone goes, well, if you consider this. And I go, okay, it might be nine. I don't know. Rosie is playing out with her new friends next week. Just to say, you'll be very excited when you hear what it is. That's all I can say.

There's a few things we've done that are really fucking cool that we can't wait to announce. But before we start, actually, can we just take a moment? How long has it been since we've asked these beautiful, beautiful ears listening to us now to vote for us on something? Not long, you know. It's been years.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, fucking, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not know. It's been years. No, no, no, no. No fucking, not long. No, it has been long. I can't remember the last time we told them to vote for one anything. It genuinely has been a while. I think it might have been the National Television Awards, which was last year.

Oh my God, so they're due here. Hey, you do a bit of homework. You are due entering your email twice into something, if you don't mind. Absolutely. Thank you very much. So it is the British Podcast Awards Listener's Choice. We have won Listener's Choice in the past, right at the beginning.

It was 2020. 2020, what a great year. I was pregnant, do you remember? Brilliant year, I loved that year. And we were stuck in the house. Such a good year, such a good year. Yeah, I remember the wallpaper. I was really vividly you remember? Brilliant, yeah, I love that year. And we were stuck in the house. Such a good year, yeah. I remember the wallpaper. Read really vividly from the house that year.

So, all you have to do is visit britishpodcastawards.com slash voting, or I'm sure there'll just be a thing on the main page for voting. And voting closes August 29th, so if you could vote for us in Listener's Choice. We've won it before. We haven't asked for you to vote for a thing.

I mean, we could have been asking for Listener's Choice every single year for British Podcast Awards, but we've had a bit time off, hoping that they would maybe nominate win one of the actual categories. They haven't. So let's go on British Podcast Awards and show them that we are still a fucking powerhouse and that you guys are still going to vote and we'll win. No, don't shake your head at us, Rosie. I'm not having it. No, I'm not having it. We've never been in what? We've never been in lifestyle? No, being in relationship? That's a category? Comedy? There's a lot of podcasts out there.

Ah, there's a lot of shite out there. Sorry. We've won it before. It would be lovely to win it again. If you can be ours, please vote for it and we'd appreciate it a lot because we're still here. You have the power. Do you know what? It's coming up five years that we've been doing this podcast. Like I've said before. Wait, wait, I'll say it with you. Three, two, one.

Your longest job I've ever had. Longest job I've ever had. Can you believe that? Yeah, it's really good. Sometimes you know when people are like, I've been in this job for 10 years. I'm like, how? How has your brain allowed you?

And yet here I am. We might do this for 10 years. Oh, you never know. Side note, by the way, I totally get that British Podcast Awards is mainly for giving boosts to podcasts that maybe don't have our platform and our listenership, so I get it, but still, it'd be nice to be listeners' choice.

But not just that, there's so many categories of podcasts. I heard there was more podcasts than there are stars in the sky. Did you actually, or is that a joke? I think I've just made that up. Don't say stuff like that. Would you have fell for that? Probably.

Really? Yeah. Do you know there's trillions of stars? I didn't know that. Yeah, more than that. Oh, great. But do you know there's hundreds of trillions of podcasts? Yeah, I do.

Yeah, so there's podcasts in podcasts. I know loads of people who've got podcasts. There we go. So, it is episode 276. Thank you for listening, thank you for being here. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is...

and I've got to put my M&S, remember there? This is not just a bacon sandwich. I've got to put my voice because it's a special one. This week's sponsor is G&G. Hey, are you a comedian that doesn't really do too much at the minute? You heard of R&R? Well try G&G. That's right, golf and grappling. Hey, can you jump on a Zoom? Sorry, golf.

Can you answer them emails? Sorry, grappling. Hey, can you jump on a Zoom? Sorry, golf. Can you answer them emails? Sorry, grappling. G and G. Fuck everything else. It's getting ridiculous. Not only is Chris- I'm retired, I'm retired. You're not fucking retired.

You are 37 years old. Why not? It's getting silly. It's the dream, it's the dream. It's not my dream. Retiring at 37 is the dream. Right, stop it, because this is ridiculous, right? So, not only has Chris got his hobby of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, which I would allow because he said it helps his mental health

and you know, I'll do anything not to have an anxiety-riddled husband, so I've allowed it, right? Good stuff. He's now started golf, which is one of the most selfish sports in the world. Yeah. Stop it, Chris. What do you mean it's one of the most selfish sports

in the world? What do you mean? We had this on the show with Catherine Ryan and her husband Bobby. Yeah. Because he does golf and he's just gone for like hours on end. Yeah.

So this is interesting. So you know one of the most prolific celebrity golfers in the world, Mark Wahlberg. Is he? Didn't know that. Man plays golf all the time, nearly every day. Have we spoken about his routine? I think we've talked about once,

he gets up at half four and he's in the gym. Gets up at four o'clock and he's in the gym for four. It's mad. Like if you haven't seen it, Google Mark Wahlberg's daily routine and you'll see it on Google. It gives me a heart attack just looking at it. But again, I imagine that's not when he's,

if he's filming, I imagine that just goes to shit. Cause how can you do all that stuff he does? But anyway, he plays golf every single day. But I saw an interview with him recently. How old is he? What do you mean? His children are grown. He's probably in his 50s.

Mark Wahlberg, you're 37. He looks fucking great. Yeah, but I'm retired. So you're Googling how old Mark Wahlberg is. No, I just haven't seen it. Please be, I reckon he's 49. I haven't seen a picture of him for a while. 49, 51.

No. 68. No. Nine. Nine. He's 53. 49, 51. No. 68. No. Nine. Nine. He's 53. 53, I thought he was nine. He looks better than he has ever looked.

Yeah, he looks mint. No, you could look like this if you put a bit more effort in. Oh, if I had the time? So imagine that everyone, imagine. Oh, I'll let me husband play golf too much time. I'll let him do brilli-zilli-jit-to-a-la. Oh, you could look like this if you put a bit more effort in.

He's got, no, but I think he's got a similar physique to you. You've got a really, really good metabolism. And that's how you could, you could look like this if you put a bit more fat in. You've got, no but I think he's got a similar physique to you. You've got a really, really good metabolism and that's how you could, you could look like that but I don't, but no, don't want you to. Right, so set me alarm for four o'clock. Oh he's wise, lovely. Well, this is what brings us to my next point. So I saw an interview with him.

Oh she's pretty. So I saw an interview with him, right? And he basically said, in the interview the guy said, how do you play golf so much? Like it takes four hours, takes four or five hours to play golf. And Mark Warburg's exact thing was, he said, I can play a full round of golf in an hour and five minutes.

Right, how? He says he's got his range finder, he knows exactly, he just literally belts around the course. And he said, men who play golf for hours and hours on end don't wanna go home to their wives. He said, but my wife's end don't wanna go home to their wives. He said, but my wife beautiful, and I wanna go home to my wife. So maybe all I'm saying is,

put a bit more effort in round here, bit more slap on the face. All right, all right, okay. Well, listen, two can play that game. I never wanna go home. I never wanna come home. Just do me titting. No, but that's what he said. He said people who, yeah, my wife's beautiful. People who play golf

for too long don't want to go home because they hate that one. Isn't it horrible? I'm just looking at pictures of them in their bikinis and that. Isn't it horrible that like as a celebrity of that status, you're just on holiday and people are taking pictures of you? Like I would hate that so much because I look at very certain level of disgust disgusting on holiday. Oh yeah, you'd have watermelon all over your chin and that. Oh, just I would be so sad. I would be so sad if I... Unrubbed in cream with finger marks and that.

Just something horrible happens to your hair when you're on holiday and it's just vile and disgusting. I've actually just been googling visors. I'm gonna buy a visor. Anyway, I'm now deep diving into Mark Wahlberg's life. Yeah. And I just can't be bothered because I've got a certain level of undiagnosed ADHD where I get a bit obsessed and I could tell you in about half an hour everything about his life, so I need to stop. Oh, he's got children.

Oh, there he is. She's just stopped. She's stopped for...must have been a millisecond. Oh, he's got four kids. Didn't you own a burger restaurant? Right, listen. Still got Wahlburgers. Still got, he sells Chevys. He's a very interested man. Very successful. Hard as fuck.

Apparently like a nutter. Eh? Like don't mess with him. Like you'll breathe, you're like. Really? Oh, he'll breathe, you're like. Yeah. Okay. Hard as nails. So yeah. Loved him in Ted. Anyway. Never seen Ted.

Eh? I know. You've never seen Ted? In that way, yes. Never seen it? It is made for you. I don't, what? I've never seen Ted. Eh? I know. You've never seen Ted? Not yet. Never seen it. It is made for you? I don't, what? I've never seen it. I've never seen it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right. Like, do you know all the shitty ones I understand? Not shitty, but you know, like, sound and music. I totally understand why you've never seen it. Not shitty, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not shitty, just not your, Ted is so,

you were, what, eh? Hang on, am I living in the treatment? Chris, it was literally our generation of that age. It was at the film. How did, where were you? I don't know, it passed us by. Chris, we need, I'm sorry, we need to take five minutes to talk about this.

When did that come out? I don't know. Cause we were- Was I doing stand-up? No! What? No, mate. 2012? Yeah! We got together 2012. We got together 2013. No!

Yes. Yeah? No. Did we? No, we didn't. I don't know. I can't remember. I'm shocked. We got married 2014. We got together 2012. But it was the year before. You had time. I was busy, you know how busy I was? Right, okay, well we'll have to watch it, it's really good. Right, so do you know when people quote it, and I go, oh yeah.

What are the quotes from it? I don't know, but people tell me they want like, something like, not quote, but they'll say something like, oh, like in Ted or Ted, and I go, all right, aye. Oh, it's really good. I mean, it's not got very good ratings on, yeah, but I'm- I saw a clip of it, and it's like, doesn't the bear at some point work in a supermarket

and he fucks someone's shop and I was like, I'm all right for this. No, it's funny. Why does it talk? Because it just does. Why? What do you mean why? Why is Mark Roburg okay with it talking? I can't actually remember it that bad.

Is it his imaginary friend or is it real? He's real, I think. Can everyone see it? Uh-huh. Oh, we'll have to watch it. I'm really sorry, everyone, real, I think. So, can everyone say it? Uh-huh. Oh, we'll have to watch it. I'm really sorry, everyone, listen, I'm really sorry. Sometimes stuff just passes you by.

It's passed us by. I haven't actively avoided it, although again, a couple of the adverts, I thought, alright, okay. Like, I've never just been, I've never been like motivated to go and watch Ted. We'll watch it. Do I have to? Yes. Right, okay.

Okay. Come on. But, but to? Yes. Right, okay. Okay. Come on. But, but golf? No. But, but grappling? No. Stop. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle we were at the Bay and Sports Day. Also, I've got that rash. Yeah, we'll talk about that. It was really lovely. None of the men wore any sun cream. I wore cream. I wore cream, arms, legs, face, ears, back of my neck. I missed the side, the right side of my neck,

like where your shirt caught, if you're wearing an open collar, gentlemen. How did you miss it? I don't know. Sometimes you just miss stuff that someone's told us. And I think, or was I think I was spraying the cream on because you use the spray stuff and there was a family downwind of us.

And at one point they looked at us and I was like, all right, I'll stop now. And I stopped short because I was like, are these getting covered in my cream and getting annoyed? So that's what it was. Did you buy any face sun cream? Face sun cream. Like in life,

because you're meant to wear it every single day. SPF. I wear a factor 50 SPF. I've turned into one of them people now. I used to be an absolute sun whore and I just would like want to burn and out and but recently. You just lost the sun part. Yeah. Great. Yeah. I'm just a whore. Thank you. I just really want to look after my skin. Yeah. And I'm turning into one of them women who just constantly have my face in the shade. Yeah. I had a cap on. I know, but I feel like you should wear SPF on your face. Right. OK. It's just good for you.

Yeah. I don't. It's going to sound ridiculous. So I do have an SPF face moisturizer. It's not enough. It'll only be about 15. It's 35. But we live in the North East England. But I put the 50 spray on my face. You're not gonna like this, this is gonna irritate you.

And I've never said this out loud. I don't like putting cream on my face every day that has SPF in it because it smells like holidays. And then when I go on holiday, I don't enjoy the smell anymore. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like that time. You're such hard graft. Like that time. You're such hard graft. But I get it. But I totally

get it. You don't understand it. I don't like to smell it every day because then when I smell it on holiday I go oh it doesn't smell like holidays it just smells like Tuesday morning. Do you know that I buy new clothes and it takes us so long to wear them because they're new and I don't want to ruin them. Exactly the same. But I'm like just wear. I've got a bag of clothes up here that I got from the shop a week and a half ago. I haven't even picked them up yet because they're my new clothes and nothing special enough. They're only a couple of t-shirts and a pair of jeans. No, it's ridiculous. Yeah. Chris, as much as it's ridiculous, I get it.

Cream has to smell like holidays. I know, so it's exciting. Again, remember when I went through my birthday cake week phase? Yes. Regular listeners to the podcast will know at one point, might be enduring the old lockdown, I would eat a birthday cake a week. Yeah.

My birthday came around, I went to get a cake, I was devastated. It was exciting. It wasn't birthday cake anymore, it was just cake. Cause you ruined it, you ruined it for yourself. So I don't want to spoil the smell of cream. Now. But okay, but can I just, it is safe,

like there's a safety element. And the creams that I use on my face don't smell like holiday creams. They're the special ones. Okay. Yeah. Okay. But I always wear a cap. I've got a cap ridge in the head. I've always got a cap on.

There you go. Always got a cap on. So I should be okay. Yeah. I'm a shade sitter. We went to that sports day yesterday and I wanted arts. On the way there I said, we haven't brought an umbrella. Yeah. I think brought an umbrella. I like sitting in the shade. I do enjoy sitting in the shade.

I'd rather just fake tan. But once upon a time, God, I just lived in the sun. You know what I mean? Like a medjooled date I was. Medjooled? Is that a word? It's just a kind of date. Anyway, sports day was lovely. You, bullied is a strong word, but you really tried hard to get me to do the parents race which I turned down. Yeah just because I think you'd be quite good. No. What? No I tell you exactly it. I am terrified of falling over in front of people. Well I didn't do it because I'm not a very fast runner and two I think I would fall over and break me face. Yeah. Because it's that kind kind, do you remember sprinting at school?

It's terrifying. I think running fast is really scary. I felt ill watching everyone. Yeah. I felt ill. One, I think I've watched too many videos of people falling over on the internet. The same.

I follow accounts where it's just people falling over. Same. And I was like, I'm terrified of doing it now. Yeah. I had my heart was in my bloody throat. Every time someone ran, I was like, you're gonna fall over This is a nightmare. Well two of the moms did it with no shoes on in maxi dresses

They're gonna have very sore and goes the D. All I was thinking was you're gonna lose a toenail. Yeah, you're gonna lose a toenail Um the blokes some of them were so fast. It was ridiculous No form on them. No form never seen the shape of them, they look ridiculous. My God, there was one guy in trainers, dress like, you know, he came from the office, he had a white t-shirt and pants on. He looked like he was running back to his computer to log out. He had a shirt on, not a t-shirt, he had a full on shirt. Yeah, a shirt, yeah, an actual white shirt. I've never seen a man run so fast in a suit. He was so fast.

Unbelievable. I nicknamed him out of run so fast in a suit. Unbelievable. I nicknamed him out of office reply. He was incredible. He did the four by four relay with the teenagers, blitzed them and he blitzed all the dads. I was very impressed. I was very impressed. My thing is, has he done that on purpose?

Has he gone like, cause a couple of the dads were in full on running gear, like full on running gear. Oh, what? What's the dads race? I didn't even know. Oh, okay. I love it. I saw you stretching. I saw you fucking stretching in the car park,

you lying twat. But he lowballed it. He mugged everyone off. He came in going, oh, I've just come from the office. He was so fast. It looked like something out of a film. Crazy quick. Do you know like Mission Impossible?

Or like, do you know like a film where they're in a suit and they've got the running away from the baddies. Oh yeah, like Tom Cruise. He was so, who is he? I've never even seen him before. I don't know, I think he just turns up. Whose dad is he? He's unbelievable.

I think I fancy him a bit. Have you seen the videos of the guy who's like a champion power lifter and he dresses as a cleaner and he goes into the gyms and he blitzes? No. Have you never seen these videos? No.

So they're online. I think we watch very, we've got a very different algorithm. Might just salads and that. Salads. Salads. It's just salads and that. It's salads. Annoyingly, I told you mine's very sweetness and light because I get so fucked off with them that I watch them all the way through. And then they think, oh, you love this girl

picking flowers from my garden. I'm like, no, I don't, I hate her. I hate her and I'm watching it because I hate her and I'm slagging her off in my head. But you keep showing us more of the perfect moms with the ribbons in their hair. Because you know, and I'm like, I don't want to watch these twats, but you just keep putting them on there. So mine's mine. And it's always, I don't want it today. And it's all the same song. I do hear that song. And I'm like, oh God, I want to die. But you just,

so no, sorry. And I got really, really aggressive, I wanna die. But you just, so no, sorry. And I got really, really aggressive. You did get aggressive there. But I love food. I watch a lot of food videos. Well, these ones I'm talking about. So this guy, you'd quite like them. So he's, when he's got clothes on, he doesn't look much.

He's compact. He's not a gigantic meathead, but he's like the world champion powerlifter or whatever. So he goes over, he's in overalls and a cap and like glasses and a beard and stuff. And he goes over to like meatheads in the gym, massive guys who are doing like deadlifts and stuff. And he's like, oh, sorry, sorry guys.

I don't know, he like puts a weird accent on. He's like, I need to move these out of the way. And they're like, dude, you're not gonna move that. And he like fucking snatches it with one arm and just, and they're like all, I think that guy did that to us yesterday. I think he is a champion fucking us yesterday. Do you think? I think he is a champion fucking runner and he's came in dressed as an accountant.

Well he got a massive cheer didn't he? Oh it was incredible. Yeah, as did the little lad who, bless him, took a while to get round the track. But everyone, I think he was loving it though, because everyone was like, come on, you can do it and he blitzed it at the end. Sounds like he just wanted the bloody applause. Sometimes you know we'll go on about, you know, everything's shit and, you know, everyone's doomed

and smartphones and everything's bad now. We know too much. But there's something that makes us really, really happy about the next generation. And it's the fact that that did the full 400 meter race. That's all the way around the track. And there was a kid at the front who was, I mean, he was running like a man.

It was ridiculous. And then the opposite side of the spectrum, you had the kid at the back who could, I mean, he was running like a man, it was ridiculous. And then the opposite side of the spectrum, you had the kid at the back who could have easily been lapped by that first kid. And like you say, everyone was cheering. Everyone finished the race and this kid was still halfway behind, you know, and everyone was buzzing. We were screaming, you were crying,

I had a little tear in my eye. Listen, I cry every sports day. I don't, half of these kids, I don't know. And I cry. More than half of them, you only know about three of them. I know, I'm crying my eyes out every single day. I don't, half of these kids I don't know. And I cry. More than half of them, you only know about three of them. I know, I'm crying my eyes out every single time. But honestly, it was, I turned and I looked at some bloke and like one of the dads from, he turned to his wife

and he went, it's different from when I was at school, you'd have got booed if you were last. And I was like, that's really nice that the ethos is now. Come on, you can do it. Like that again, my school, that wouldn't have happened. Everyone would have just fucked off. It was probably, do you know what, it was probably me last. I told you my school, the PE teacher used to put himself,

we used to play football and the PE teacher would put himself on a team with all of the school football team against me and all of the plebs and would get fucking rattled. That's awful. It was unbelievable. That's horrible. I'm just, Rosie, this PE teacher, he would score fucking like curved outside foot,

mad David Beckham kicks from the halfway line. Like playing against literally me, the chess team, you know, and then it's him and all of the guys in my year who already had pubes in year seven. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah, ones I would have fancied. People listen. People listen.

People listening, you know exactly what school I'm talking about. If you're at my school, you know exactly what teacher I'm talking about. Full on, outside foot curl, bend it like Beckham from the half wheel line, blitzing it in, tackling, pushing kids over, skinning everyone. I just remembered something.

Oh. At the weekend. Yeah. I seen, there was a boy at school who I fancied all the way through school. And his sister was at Do The Other and I told her. And now I'm like, oh no. You totally fancied her brother the whole way through school. I did. I did. I fancied him from year seven until like year 11.

Right. And I told her and now I'm like, why am I mortified? Because obviously it doesn't matter. It makes no difference to me. Like, but I'm like, oh no, my secret crush is not secret anymore. What would you do after we're finished recording this? You'd turn up at the front door with some flowers and a ghetto blaster on his shoulder. You'd be gone from me.

Like, I'm joking. I'm joking. All right. Go into your head. You have to go. Oh God. Go into your head. You have to leave me and go and live with this other person now you've got two choices it's the kid you fancied all

the way from school or it's the dad who ran really fast in the shirt and pants who you're picking both give us the same feeling inside of a warm phase in between the legs I'm just mortified that I'm like why would you tell her that why were you on the pole on Sunday I just thought it was legs. I'm just mortified that I'm like. Why would you tell her that? Why were you on the pole on Sunday? While I was at home with our children. Absolutely not, I just thought it was funny because I was just like, it's so in me past. But you know, was it not a girl who you fancied

all the way through school? Or just someone who you were like, I don't know. I know, there's always someone else. Payed zero attention, let's just get back here. Truth comes out, truth comes out, here it is. So you only want him to turn up with the flowers in the ghetto buster so you can throw a glass of water Zero attention, let's just get that clear. The truth comes out. The truth comes out, here it is. Oh yeah, now what to do with this. So you only want him to turn up with the flowers in the ghetto buster so he can throw a glass of water

in his face and go, big mistake. Yeah, huge mistake. Huge mistake. Yeah, good. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Just really quickly, got a new toxic trade. A new toxic trade? Just when you were speaking about the guy

who was really strong and reminded us as well, on Sunday after this do With me family we went to meet uncle auntie and uncles new house. We're in the garden. It was lovely weather He's got like a thing that he bought for the bane like a wooden plate He got for 40 quid off Eti, it's like a mid or EB or whatever. It's amazing. He's put it all together It's a jungle gym. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, is this the video I saw of your uncle swinging topless from his legs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a fucking high wire aerial acrobat?

Yes. Very impressed. So yeah, very good, but toxic trait of every single one there, not just me. Everyone was like, I can do that. So we all went up and begged. I've been doing weights and stuff recently. Yeah. No, you know, thought I can do five chin ups.

Yeah. I can't. I can't even do one. They're fucking solid. I literally couldn't even do one. I went and I was like, yeah, come on. Went to put myself up. I couldn't at all. Really?

Yeah. Not even an inch, Chris. Wow. It's just hanging like a chimp. No one leaves here till this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up. What's that all? Something like that off a full metal jacket. I've never seen it. Yeah. Or maybe they've parodied it on The Simpsons. I me a pull-up. What's that all? Something like that off a full metal jack-o-n-er. Never seen it. Or maybe they've parodied it on The Simpsons.

I can do, I can do- Kanye, of course you can. So I couldn't, here's a question. This'll fix your toxic tray. Here's my recent strength and conditioning journey. All right, oh God. I couldn't do them. Nobody cares.

No, I couldn't do them. So someone at the gym said, can you do a pull-up? And I was like, no. So what you do is you do negatives. I might be getting this wrong, but I was doing negatives. So chin downs. So you get yourself on a box that's high

as if you're at the end of the chin up and go from the top to the bottom slowly and do them. So all I did was down. Does that make sense? So how do you get yourself back up again? Well, that was the next bit, but I did down for weeks, just down, down, down, down, down. And then it was like, try one and it was like bang.

I'll try that, because I would love to do it. Yeah, where are we gonna do it from? We're gonna have to buy a jungle gym. We'll just get one of them things off the... That hang off the door. Off the door that all the lads out of school had. Do you know how many times I've seen people fall off their mum?

I know. I can't. We can't have them either. People fall off them. We brother had one? Yes, I used to have one, yeah, from August. It's like a little, like a clothesline. Like, aye, the black thing. Clothes reel, yeah, yeah, he's hanging out.

Okay, good stuff. Oh, check it out. The most wreck your doors. You couldn't have them in new build. So I got told to stop putting mine up at my mom and dad's house because of it. So I used to put it on my door. It's just not enough board.

I used to open my door frame, but you could do it downstairs in the kitchen because the door frame was bigger than what my dad used to tell us off and so I stopped him, chin up in the kitchen. So there it is. Got a good story of it though, didn't it? I'm Sarah Milroy, Director of the McMichael Canadian Art Collection in Kleinberg. If you love Impressionism, you'll love what we have on view this summer at the Gallery. River of Dreams, Impressionism on the St. Lawrence, features more than 150 sublime works

by some of Quebec's most beloved artists. Join us for a journey down the St. Lawrence and see how Impressionism flourished in this country a century ago. Buy your tickets today at mcmichael.com, home to the art of Canada. With VisiHard Seltzer, you can follow your vibe. Whether you're looking to bring the

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Babadu babadu babadu ba. It's time for questions from the public. Extended edition. Oh as always if you'd like to get in touch It's time for questions from the public! Extended edition. As always if you'd like to get in touch at shagbaradoid at gmail.com Well yeah it's extended isn't it because we're doing a little bit more. I mean then again I said it was going to be a different episode we've prattled on that fucking long. It's basically the same amount of time but you know when you're chatting, when it's flowing, keep it going. When it's flowing keep it going. Oh, when it's flowing, keep it going. Trademark Chris Ramsay, 2024.

Wow. So close, so close. Hi Chris and Rosie, I hope you're both doing well. Yes, great, thank you. How are you? I can't stop thinking about me, do I? But other than that, I'm really well. Are you hungry?

I'm starving, I'm really well. Are you hungry? I'm starving now. I'm start absolutely clamming. My wife and I, in brackets, both 29, I was a nice age. Okay. Are currently living with my parents as we try to save enough money for a deposit on a house. Oh, God, good luck. 29, living with a parent, living back with a renter.

That's bloody the state of the economy. It is shite, it is shite. You can't get a house, you just kind of get a house nowadays. People, full time workers, who just live on the bread line, can't buy now, have no money. It's really, really hard. It's been like that forever I think. Anyway. It's worse now but yeah. As you can imagine, our sex life is completely flat lined. Okay, will you have kids mate? Sorry, sorry, you think moving into a house together, living together means you're gonna be shagging all the time?

Absolutely not, as soon as you get that house today, then what's gonna, you get that house together, you're gonna move in together, you know what's gonna happen the first night, first night you're gonna make a big spaghetti bolognese, and you're gonna eat all that spaghetti bolognese, and you're gonna be too full, and you're gonna be lying next to each other pumping,

and you're not gonna have sex, because you can't be arsed, copy and paste that for the rest of your lives. Done. There you go. I think you might have just explained our sex life. Yeah but the worst bit is... Rosie, the worst bit is I can't remember the last time I had spaghetti bolognese. I love spaghetti bolognese. You can't even blame it on the spaghetti bolognese.

Since moving there in February we've only managed to get intimate a couple of times on nights away. Ooh. So they're not even doing it at the Mom and Dad's. Living in your Mom and Dad's box room isn't the greatest aphrodisiac. On Saturday night, we were both in bed and feeling it for the first time since moving in and went for it. Things heated up quickly.

We were really into it. My wife was giving me a blowjob. Heavens above. When we got interrupted as my dad made his way along the land into the bathroom and let out the biggest Homer Simpson-esque burp, which sent us both into fits of laughter. You may think this is where the erection died and the story ends, but no.

We carried on doing what we were doing as we had been through the driest of spells. Nothing could deter us, or so we thought. The real boner killer came as the sound of my dad's projectile vomiting in the toilet bowl echoed around the bedroom. Oh my god, what's wrong with your dad? Go outside and check on your dad. He's fucking he's in a bad way man. Never has a penis shriveled up and gone so soft so quick. Never has my desire to save money been so strong. What's wrong with your dad? Chris, there's no answers in this.

There's nothing. Why is it, yeah, yeah. Why is it just taken? Is he drunk? Or is he ill? Why is it just taken? Is he like, there's dad doing his corridor burp and his projectile vomit again?

Or nice timing, dickhead. I was about to get my fucking end away. Go and check on your dad. There's no answer. There's no, there's a question. The question is, what is the worst thing to happen to you mid sex? Honestly, your dad's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I may think of that. I may think of your dad. What's wrong with his dad? It's unbelievable. Like, why is it? Why have you not said my dad's all right? I need more answers. We're not getting enough here. Oh, do you want to go on top here? Go on. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Is there not nothing, so I'm not being funny. If we had our... Sorry. If we had one of our lads living with his partner, yeah, I'd be like, can you rein in your burps right next to their room? Like, go and do it somewhere else. I'd be like, never. I'm paying for this fucking house. He can... Oh, you would be horrible actually. A lot of times he's had me up early in the morning, he can it somewhere else. I'd be like, never. I'm paying for this fucking house. He can... Oh, you would be horrible actually. A lot of times he's had me up early in the morning, he can fuck right off.

Yeah, you would be awful. No chance. You probably, do you know what it is? He probably wasn't even being sick. He used to do it deliberately. He probably thought, hey, trying to get their ends together, what can I do? Well, they'll not hear a shit. Right, I'll pretend to be...

He was probably in there going, whoo! Making that noise and just pouring vegetable soup into the toilets. Maybe, maybe. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! Hi Chris and Rosie. Long time listener the toilet. Maybe, maybe. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi Chris and Rosie. Long time listener, first time emailer here. Hope you and the kids are keeping well. We are well, you know.

The kids are honestly getting much easier. Three's a great age and eight's fantastic. Loving all these first time emailers, by the way. Thank you all so much. If you're sitting there now thinking, should I email somebody? Always do, please do. Anything you want, just send it in.

This podcast wouldn't be what it is without you, wonderful people, thank you. I've just been listening to episode 274, and your conversation about men punching things sparked a memory for me that I want to share. I went to school in Durham and was head boy. Side note, I bet someone writes in to say being head boy is also an ick.

I would respectfully disagree. Head boy, Carl Hutchinson was head boy. No. Yeah, Carl was head boy. Was he actually? Yeah. In seniors and sixth form I think. Oh was he? Yeah. But I've always wanted that. My best mate Angela was head girl in seniors and sixth form. Yeah. I think you've just got to be a fucking busybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think he was a busybody though. Carl? I know he's clever. Carl did a mock.

I did a show with him, do you remember? I did a drama show with him because he was the year below me. The most incredible fact about Carl Hudson's, for me, ever is that he did a mock GCSE exam paper every night. So weird. From the day he started year 10. So he did year 10, he would do all

his normal homework and then he got old exam papers, took them home and did them and then marked himself on them. Yeah. Crazy. Every night, every night for a year and a half. Tell you right now, I didn't revise once for my GCSEs and you know what? I did terribly and I was devastated. So yeah, revise. Well, Carl only did bad. Carl only did bad in biology, chemistry and physics. And he claims it's because in them classrooms, it was stools. There was no back support on the chair.

So he got a bad mark because it was, cause he had to sit on a stool. And this is also the man who did that. I must've told you the time he phoned us when he got his first house, when he wasn't renting, when he bought his first house, got in the property of that and he phoned us and he said and I quote what kind of nails do you put curtain rails up with and I said I'm sending I'm gonna buy you a drill off Amazon and send

you a drill because you need wall plugs you need screws you don't hammer a nail a fucking curtain pole on the wall because the first time you close them curtains you're gonna rip the whole pole off the wall. Amanda Maniac. Yep. Part of my responsibility as head boy was to chair the weekly six-form committee meetings. Oh, God, I nearly, honestly,

I nearly walked away during that sentence. I nearly left the room here. I mean, I- So boring. I would love that. You're in the committee for your stupid singing thing. Don't call it me stupid singing thing. Thank you very much.

Oh, sorry, cuddle club, slagging my stuff off. I'll slag your stuff off. You wanna go hobbity hobbie? I'll hobbie stuff off, I'll slag your stuff off. You wanna go hobbit your hobby? I'll hobbit you. I'll out-hobbit you. Do you get a cup of tea and homemade flapjacks at your cuddle club? I don't think you do. I get black eyes, bruises and now and then, they will let us have one of the hules out of the fridge if I haven't got enough money. Who's stroking your titla?

Nobody. Right. All the reps from each group would come together to discuss the pressing issues of the day. I thought it said anal stuff, it's usual stuff. You want to read something funny, sorry. The usual stuff. Chat about school rules, workload, organizing charity events, sports days, etc. Oh God. Put a lot of pressure. I never went to sixth form. Oh, ugh.

I never went to sixth form, but the only thing I was jealous of was there was a Sixth Form local to us in Heaven that a lot of people went to. Yeah. And they had like some of my friends from school went. They had a couple of things. This is gonna be food related. No, no, it's not food related. They had like parties in a pub. It was like a Sixth Form party or whatever. And obviously I was like, well, I can't go can I? Because I don't go to Sixth Form. All my friends are going. Because I went to college. Do you have the Martech? The one that you do, do you? The Martech was the bar at our college. And you didn't go to college, you just went to be at your GCSEs didn't you? I actually didn't even do that. I left halfway through to get

a full time job because I'm a grafter. There it is. One day the head of sixth form approached me 15 minutes before the committee meeting he said I have a really important development to share with you at the committee. Oh god. I'll need you to investigate it further. Oh Jesus. This sounded ominous and he delivered this with a serious tone. I thought something bad must have happened and I started to worry about what kind of investigation might ensue. I would love this by the way, I would literally be. Oh by the way, on top of all your work and stuff, can you be in these shitty meetings

and can you do all this other dog's body stuff for us? What for a fucking badge that says head boy and so that when I can go and apply for me part-time job at a shop on a weekend, I can go, I'm head boy. You are not head boy material. No, I'm not head boy material and do you know what? Next time I meet a head boy, I'm gonna fucking knock his teeth out.

Oh, shut up. Just on principle. Sorry. This is why you're not allowed on certain programs, you know? Cause they think that you're this kind of person. I'm joking, I'm sorry. Stop it, that's such an awful thing to say. I didn't mean to say that. I just, I don't know why.

I think it's jealousy. Some really repressed head boy anger came up there. I apologize. You've got real issues. Do you know Chris can't even go on public transport because he thinks he's going to get beaten up for like 20p? So fucking weird. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So I think our boys might be head boys. Yeah, well, they're gonna get the back of my hand. Our principal.

Right, listen. The committee begins with the usual introductions and updates, and then I say to everyone, sir would like to share some developments with us. Also, there's a teacher who came up to him. Yeah, the head of sixth form. Oh, the head of sixth form, sorry. I thought it was the head of the committee.

Right, he then stands up. So everyone, it has come to my knowledge that there have been some vandalism in the school. Oh God. There are several punch marks. Rosie's mysteries. Where are they? Oh.

Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Where are the punch marks? This came from nowhere, this mystery. Oh crikey. Right, school vandalism punch marks. Cause you know last week, well last week of the week before I was talking about my ex boyfriend and punching doors and stuff and bins yeah so it's

got to be is it in the changing rooms hmm is it had on we used to at school we used to punch the notice board because you could punch it in you could see the knuckles did you is it the notice board it is not the it in and you could see the knuckles. Did you? Is it the notice board? It is not the notice board. And that's your guess gone. So shut the fuck up. Teacher has cause. No, but that's God, that would be terrible, wouldn't it? But hey, listen, Durham is quite a nice place, so I don't think it's Durham. It's a nice it'll be a nice sixth form.

Come on then. Right. OK. Ready? Mm hmm. It's got my knowledge that there's been some vandalism in the school. There are several punch marks in all of the pre-packaged pies and sandwiches in the sixth form canteen. Yeah, you could have given me 100 guesses and I wouldn't have got pies and sandwiches. Yes, that's right. Someone has left large fist marks in all of the pre-packaged pies and sandwiches in our sixth form canteen area all of them just a long line of squashed pastries and flattened

breads in the fridge I'd be devastated with that we all burst into laughter but sir did not see the funny side of this I also do not see the funny side of this why would you vandalize food? you don't you don't see the Yeah, this is getting your back up. This wouldn't... I would literally be like, sir, sir, I am disgusted with this. Sir, I will... Punch the cars. Punch the notice board. Punch the children. But not the pies. But the pork pies.

Sir, I will spend every waking hour getting to the bottom of this for you, sir. I will find out who this is. Sir, I will be your sword. Absolutely. When we were asked if we knew anything about this, none of us did. I was then asked to investigate, find out more and bring him what I knew next week at the committee. I never really did investigate it because I simply found it far too funny. I let the pie fister get off. We never saw any repeat offences. Wow. So, ah, there was

no more repeat offences? It was the headmaster. The pie fister was in that room. The pie fister was in that room. He's in the committee? He's in the committee. Shit. Shit. This is, there's a Netflix documentary on this. Isn't it? Why would, see I don't understand that.

Why would someone do that? Just, because fuck everything. Fuck the world. Yeah, you know, just a little, you never had a, you know, don't press the red button kind of thing, you know, just a little... I'm a bit of a rule follower. I don't like... You know, I remember that woman who threw the cat in the bin years ago. Remember her, when everyone hated her.

Oh yeah, yeah. You know, I imagine she didn't hate... I imagine she just had a moment. Just a moment of, fuck this. Awful. A bit awful, like what she did. Oh yeah, it was awful. But sometimes people just have a, you know,

we've all got impulses and weird things, just have fuck-lesses. I always have impulses. Yeah. I always have, like, I literally always want to drive and like off a cliff and that. Going over Red Youth Bridge, dangerous for me, because I just want to, I just want to go in the river.

Great. But I never would. It's just like a- So it's called, I think that's called, touch, is it called the voice of the void or touching the void or something? It's a thing where when you're up somewhere high and your brain goes, you can fly or jump. It's a, I can't remember what it's called. It's called touching the void or voice of the void.

But I heard it was to keep you in the real world. If that makes sense. I heard that you do it, but it's, it's your body go no. And so it's just's just like no you don't do that. I don't know I mean they're like, you know, I have like like I know but I think boys might get it more than than girls Adolescence I'm talking about here when you get a bit testosterone and stuff, you know I'm gonna When I was a kid if I was walking along and I had a stick and I walked past someone's house and there was a fucking Like a beautiful rose Coming over their garden fence you would get the stick

and you would just fucking lace the head of the rose off. I don't get it. I don't know if it's a boy testosterone stupid thing, but it's just like a little impulse to destroy something beautiful, but not to the point of where you're burning a fucking church down. Well, we understand that now that we have two boys

because those boys just need to run all the time. We let them out the back garden like dogs. Robin did a full sports day yesterday. Full sports day in the blistering sun, came home, went on the slip and slide, ran around the garden for like three hours. Yeah, they're mad, absolutely mad. So no, I don't understand the need

to have to want to punch a flower. It's just, as a female, I don't think we have that. Really? It might be that then. No. Might be testosterone. Adolescence, craziness. I think it is. I just fucking hate pies. Babadoo might be that then. No. Might be testosterone. Adolescence. Craziness. I think it is.

I just fucking hate pies. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hey Rosie and Chris, I have an ick for you. Brilliant. I was on holiday and I saw the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Ooh. Brown, windswept hair, beautiful body

and red shorts like they weigh on Baywatch. Okay. Nice. I spent all day making sure I didn't have a girlfriend with him and no little ones with him. And I was building my confidence to go in for the approach. All day making sure. All day, she spent all day making sure

he didn't have a girlfriend or any little ones with him. How did you go about this? I don't know. Just following him and watching him. But maybe it was a day when he didn't have the kids. Or I don't know. But on holiday, do you have a full day

without seeing your partner or your kids on holiday? Who was he on holiday with? I don't know. Do you live there? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Okay, okay. So she stalked him all day, no kids. It says here, stalking him with my eyes all day.

There it is. Then, what did he do that was so ick, I hear you ask. Do you want to guess? This is what I love. I don't think I can guess. I think it's too open-ended, but again, this is what I love about, she's literally in her head, married the guy, fantasized about Maldi, and unbeknownst to him, he does one thing, one innocuous thing, and it's gone.

They could have had a full life together if he hadn't done this thing. What's the thing? You ready? Yeah. Went down the kid's slide on his own. Yeah, great. Yeah, brilliant. Yeah. Absolutely brilliant.

Yeah. And then it was dead. He was dead to her. He was absolutely gone. Why has he gone down the kids slide on his own? I just put you on the slide. Wee! Marriage over.

I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother act out WWE in real time on their mothers living with their kids. I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother act out WWE in real time on their mothers living with their kids. I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother acting out WWE in real time on their mothers living with their kids. I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother acting out WWE in real time on their mothers living with their kids.

I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother acting out WWE in real time on their mothers living with their kids. I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother acting out WWE in real time on their mothers living with their kids. I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother acting out WWE in real time on their mothers living with their kids. I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother acting out WWE in real time on their mothers It's a, wee! Marriage over. I'm busy watching my fiance and his brother act out WWE in real time on their mother's living room floor. They are 31 and 26 years old. My fiance is out of breath now. That's awful. I can't bear, I can't bear watching grown men

like fight each other. I know you do it at the thing, but that's your hobby and that. When they just do it out in the airway, it's just so weird. Like fun fighting. Yeah, mangy. It's just mangy.

It's just I would never have fun fighting with a girl. It's just so rank. I would be very surprised if you and the girls came around. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. It'd be awful. It'd be weird.

It'd be very weird. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo ba! Hi Rosie and Chris. Been listening to your podcast a lot recently, re-listening to some of my favourite episodes and remembered a story back from my medical school days that I thought would make a good Rosie's Mysteries. Oh fantastic! Love a bit of medical. It's been a while, I feel like it's been a while since I've had a bit of medical.

It has hasn't it? It has. In first year, we used to have a weekly three hour anatomy session in the specialist anatomy labs on a Wednesday afternoon. How many times can you say anatomy? Did you know? Three hour anatomy session, eh? The labs were set out with groups of six to eight students sitting around a large table with specimens, there you go, enjoy it, in front of them. Changing weekly, depending on what was being studied, so it'll probably be a different part of the body. Oh gosh. Gross. For the first week, each student had a bucket

in front of them of where they were sat with a specimen inside. Oh, lucky dip. Ah! There was a palpable mix of excitement and nerves in the room as we were about to handle real human samples for the first time in our lives. Wow.

Awful. I remember when I was in biology at school, the biology teacher got a pig's heart in once. Oh yeah, we did that. We lost our fucking brains. I know, it's mad, isn't it? Yeah, but I remember getting in and I was like, oh my God, like something I've seen on like,

Boy Meets World or Save By The Bell. Like this is an act, we're doing a proper lesson here. Do you know what's funny though? They could have brought bloody chicken breasts in. Because when you're that age, you've never made your own tea. Sorry? They could have brought chicken breasts in for everyone and went,

this is a chicken. And you go, oh, oh, oh, right. Open that like because when you're that age, you're not you're not cut who at the age of 11 or whatever has cut a chicken, raw chicken. I understand. So nobody could have just brought some food in. Yeah. And said this is a chicken's breast. And you'd have been like, whoa. As far as a chicken, as far as biology goes,

a chicken breast is the most- It's not gonna teach you much, is it? Is nothing. All right, well, a spatchcock chicken, like just a chicken, you know, a raw chicken. Why are they bringing a chicken in in biology? Oh, Chris, I don't know. You said a pig's heart.

Cause it was similar to a human heart. Cause sometimes they do use some heart. Because it's got the ventricles and the... Yeah listen I've gone the wrong way. I've just gone completely... You know what you've gone? You've gone straight to fucking food again haven't you? And I could have just brought a chicken breast in or maybe KFC or maybe a burger. I could have made a chicken sandwich. Me stomach thinks me throat's been cut. I'm starving. I can't speak properly. Right anyway listen. They're getting... They're really excited because they're getting me, they're really excited because they're getting their first, their human samples, right?

I watched as lids came off around me with individuals pulling out a range of things such as a brain or an arm. Or an arm! Christ. Oh my goodness. It's inanimate, so they're just doing everything. Fair play.

One of the lab assistants was stood behind me and prompted me to open my bucket. I had realized that there was no label on it, so I had no idea what I was about to pull out. As I opened the bucket I smelt the soon familiar formaldehyde used to preserve specimens for the first time. As I dipped my gloved hands into the bucket, I pulled out something rather heavy covered in a muslin cloth. Right. I started to unwrap the cloth.

As the students around me began to watch to see what I was holding, as it turned out, what I had uncovered was, mysteries, mysteries. Oh man alive. Right, so it's not a brain or an arm. Or what, because they've already gone. Yeah, yeah, because,

oh could be the other arm. Is it the other arm? Um, what? Moseley and Cloth? That's obsessed. That's thrown us off. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Alright, I feel like everyone listening is thinking this, so I'm just gonna go straight in. Cock and bollocks? Oh, no, you're wrong. Really?

Yeah. As it turned out, what I uncovered was a man's severed head. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. I felt a little weak in my knees and was glad to be sitting down. There were audible gasps around me with some people looking away. What made me feel more sick was the assistant asking me to have a proper, as you see the head was cut in half down the middle with the brains and eyes still inside. Needless to say I put the man's head back as soon as I could into the bucket. After that, I never had any issues in that anatomy class. Listen, after all, what could be worse than holding a man's

head in your hands? A man's head? I mean, I don't know why I'm surprised by that. It's just a bit intrusive, isn't it? Well, you've already got the brain. What are you doing with the full head? Would you give your body to science? No. No? No. Because I don't...I still don't know what...am I gonna wake up? Have I been buried? Am I gonna wake up? Am I gonna wake up when I start getting burned?

Have we got to where you wanna be? Where do you wanna... Stuffed and mounted. Stuffed and mounted mantelpiece for the Bane's. Who's...no, that is the... Do you have a little PlayStation twing in your hands? Little PlayStation pad in my hand. Stuffed and mounted? What, you're a little PlayStation doing in your hands? Little PlayStation pad in my hand. That's awful. Stuffed and mounted. Put me gi on.

Put whatever belt I happen to be when I die. Probably still white. Why don't we? I mean, they might not want we because they've never asked for it yet and we're not famous enough but why don't we, when we die, see, be stuffed and mounted and be like, if Madame Tussauds want we? Because it's wax wood. That's what they should do.

Or just put dead people there. That's what they should do with celebs. Instead of wax. Oh my God. Instead of wax, just put their dead bodies in. That's what they should do with celebs instead of what God instead of wax Just put dead bodies in should we do that? What do you mean? Should we open a museum in London of dead celebs? No, but stuff and mount them No, why just because everyone will be old or tragically died in an accident Horrible, but you'd get them you'd get the punters. I don't think you would.

Do you? You would. You would. You reckon? Yeah. Oh my god, I think we might have actually written this down. I thought you were going to say she would get like, you know, you know how Bruce Forsythe's in the Palladium? Oh, underneath? I think his ashes are

in the Palladium. I couldn't think of anything worse than just fucking knocking around a theatre for the rest of eternity. Oh, but he loved it though, didn't he? Oh, but just listening to... Oh, imagine, just imagine the eternity listening to the fuckers rehearse a pantomime. Oh, Christ. I'd love that. I'm just dead celebs.

You've written it down. Yeah. You've written it down. You've got to put it out in the... What's it called? Sorry, I'm not up for this. I'm not up for opening a museum where we stuff and mount dead celebrities who've agreed to it.

You're not gonna get anyone good. No one big's gonna think of it. We'll pay off all their debts? No one big's gonna, what are we gonna pay them? No, no, well, you have to pay their family. This is the worst business, Matt. This, I'm gonna say it, and I don't say this often, Rosie. This is worse than button shoes.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is worse than button shoes. Button shoes is all right to an extent. No, no, this is worse than button shoes. Oh I'm sorry. This is worse than button shoes. No no this is worse than button shoes. I think this could work. Do you want to pay families of celebrities when they die to take the body, stuff them out them and burn them and put them in a place that you are going to rival Madame Tussauds which is this isn't a wax work of that current famous person this is the dead body of that person who used to be famous. Yeah but we'll save their dignity we'll put them in glass so people can't get pictures with them you can only take pictures of them. Great okay that's good yeah yeah right yeah okay. Genuinely you need to do this before someone else like

look at Toot and Car Moon how many people go and see him? Okay. You know what I mean? Loads. Yes. It could work. There would be some people who would be up for it. Not all of them, but some. I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna put me, you know, I'm gonna go out there and lay me here and say there would be people that are up for it, mainly perverts, mainly people who would have to keep getting them off the glass and not enough people for this venture to turn a profit. How much would you charge? What a ticket? Yeah. 20 quid. Two for one. I'm guessing though, when it first opened.

I'm guessing when it first opens, you've only got a handful. You've only got a couple of celebs and then it gets more popular and then you get more and more. Listen, dig them up. Honestly, go and have some food because you're fucking delirious. No, I'm... Listen. Shut up. Rip that bit of paper that you wrote it down on. Go and have some food because you're fucking delirious. Go and have some dinner. Listen. Shut up. Rip that bit of paper up that you wrote it down on.

Go and have some dinner. You are delirious. You are losing your mind. You are losing your mind. Get a spatchcock chicken in here for her, will you? Dead Celeb's coming soon. Awful. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa.

Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagmire Denoyed which is part of the E-Class Creator Network. Yes, thank you very much. You're smiling like you're going to plug dead celebs again, but you're not. Thank you so much for listening. If you want to get in touch with shagmiredenoyed at gmail.com. We'll be back in your ears next week. I'm going to call it Dead But Never Forgotten. Dead in the Flesh. But not really. Oh, God. She's lost Canadian Art Collection in Kleinberg. If you love Impressionism, you'll love what we have on view this summer at the Gallery.

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