Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 280. Industrial Slime Production

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

This week on the podcast, Chris gets a lesson about the menopause and Rosie has a taken her new kitchen gadget for a spin. It’s the summer holidays - so there’s a garden-based beef as well as a new habit that has seeped into the relationship. QTFPs include a joiner who gets a little too comfortable, a very middle-class child and a *very* dirty one night stand.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Hello. Hi guys. Now listen, we're recording this on the Tuesday the 30th and as it stands, we've got a little bit of a summer going on. Don't jinx it. Sorry, but I had to open the window.

Yeah. And there's not rain pissing in. So I don't know what's down, down's up. So dramatic though. You bought air conditioning. Where is it by the way? Listen. Is that what you were looking for?

That's what you were looking for? No, it wasn't. I know it wasn't. Yes it is. Right, so just before we recorded, I was in a cupboard. I wasn't looking for that. I was actually looking for a little- Where you belong.

I was looking for, thank you. I was looking for a golf clubs cleaning set that I had off years ago. That's what I was looking for in the cupboard, right? So wind your neck in, not that that, you know, backs my argument up in any way, shape or form, because that's why I was late to record the podcast. But no, you are not allowed to know

where the air conditioning units are. I don't want to use it. You said last night, you were like, do you want the air conditioning in your room? And I was like, I don't sleep with any windows open because I listen to too many true crime podcasts and I'm scared of being murdered in bed. And rats and squirrels.

And rats and squirrels. Rats and squirrels, you're scared of all of them. You think that most burglars, murderers and killers who are obviously all on the way here all the time can get through with two inch gap in a window that's on vent, can't you? Yeah, that's what you think. You think you just. Chris, sorry.

No, go on. We went away with the girls. Yeah. And we went on a walk. You went away with the girls. I went away with the girls. Had a lovely time, by the way. That sounded like me and you went away with your friends.

No, I know. Can you imagine? How could I slack you off, have you, there? Oh, there it is. Went on a walk. And it wasn't meant to be that far, but it turned really far. We got lost.

I did most of the walk with a key in between my fingers. Okay, like a, so like a knuckle duster, like a key. Yeah. Yeah, in between your fingers. Yeah, because we went, we got lost on these, in this forest thing, right? Awful, by the way, sorry, just holding the key, that's like, that's so fucking rough, but go on then. Don't care.

All of a sudden there was just this young lad on a little walk through this forest, and I was like, why say here? Right. And a bit jealous that he could just walk through the forest by himself. But yeah, he was just walking and I was like, what's he doing? My friends were like, well, just ask him. I was like, don't tell him where we're staying. So, sorry to bring the tone down straight away. Yeah. I do need to stop listening to stuff like that. Back to why, you're not allowed to know where the air conditioning unit is or how to use it. Please call it the E.C.

No, you're not allowed to use the air conditioning unit. Why? You know where it is or know how to use it. Why? Because you are too flippant with your body temperature. You will go and grab a blanket when it's not that cold. You're not allowed, you're just not allowed. You'd have it on when it didn't need to be on.

Okay. You'd play fast and loose with it and it would upset us. Are you looking forward to when I'm in the menopause? No, God no. I mean, that'll be the end of it. I'm saying it now. Your periods are that bad. When you hit the menopause, that'll be that.

We'll be done. Let's just live separately. Let's just, honestly, let's modernize this, right? And let's just be like friends. Right, during the menopause. Yeah. And then get back together afterwards. How long's the menopause?

I don't know. Roughly. Oh, God, it's like 10 years, I mean, you know. Sorry, what? I think so, come on. Oh, it was a couple of weeks. Are you fucking taking the piss? No, I thought it was just a little thing, like a-

Eh? What is it? You thought the menopause was a few weeks. Well, couple of months, maybe six months. Oh, the menopause, menopausal transition most often begins between ages 45 and 55. I've still got a little while, not that long, but still. It usually lasts about seven years,

but couldn't be as long as 14 years. Fuck my life. My God. How do you know when the menopause is over? Your dry sticks, I think. Brilliant. That's just a doctor. Oh, it's when you haven't experienced a period

for over a year. Right. Get in, bring it on. Bloody, yeah, complicated little things, aren't you? Oh, well you really are, you know. No, you're just gonna have to give us some grace, that's all. Rosie, I'm fucking running out of grace.

All right then, well I tell you what then. Oh, here she goes. Fuck off. There we go, there it is. There it is then, well I'll tell you what then, fuck off. There it is, there it is. Honestly, I'll be by myself. Stop looking at your fucking Apple watch. Every five seconds you're looking at your Apple watch. Honestly, Johnny Hollywood over here.

Do you want to say so? Because my phone is now on airplane mode, but I'm still getting WhatsApps. Oh great, yeah, that sounds like a design for me. It's a work one, it's OLE. I don't know how to put it on silent. What were we doing when it kept chiming? Oh, this.

No, we were doing the Aldi adverts. Oh yeah, it just kept going off. Hey, seeing them by the way. Well, do you know my mate, a mate of mine. Alan Dean. A mate of mine, comedian Jimmy McGee, texted me yesterday and he said, are you voicing the Aldi ident adverts

in between the Channel 4 shows? And I went, yeah. And he went, oh, nice one. And I went, Rosie as well? And he went, yeah, I yeah I guessed that he was like I didn't think it was you doing a woman's voice he was like I assumed it was both of you like fucking hell mate we go together like remme lemme lemme except when I'm in a ball zone can't wait for it to be, let's live separately let's just be old like just old-fashioned friends who sometimes sleep together, but I can't imagine

your sex drive goes through the toilet hole apparently. Through the toilet hole, that's a new one. It just goes in the bin. So all I'll do is when I do feel like it, I'll give you a ring. Oh great. We'll live in separate houses. All on your terms. All on your terms.

Just all on your terms. Tell you what. I'll tell you. Fuck off. Because I tell you what, unless you want someone younger, pick. Sorry, is that an option? Always. Downgrade.

Do the old Leonardo DiCaprio. Do you think Leonardo DiCaprio thinks that the menopause started at 25? Because he just ditches them at 25. I think he might have it wrong. He's read the wrong Google page. He's like, oh, they're going to start the menopause. No, mate, they've got 20 years left. Joking, aren't you?

Another one wasted. Maybe he's just got really shit crack. You reckon? Maybe he's got really shit crack and he just meets younger women because they're just easier to please. Do you think? Yeah. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Not much to say and then I find young people sometimes talk, I find it harder to talk to young people, younger people. Yeah, me too. Good grief. Got nothing in common. Trying to talk to a pigeon or something. Well, once we reach that point in our relationship, with friendship, relationship, often sometimes have sex, be parents together, obviously. Excellent. You can do what you want. Oh no, you can't sleep with

other people. We'll have to split up then. That's not part of the thing. I'm not having like an open relationship. Another little argument with yourself, but that's absolutely fine. No, I've just decided. I don't, I couldn't do an open relationship. Not a chance, not a chance. Like, you know. I think I feel like, I just, I feel like you to have an open relationship, you would have to be the most like confident and personally secure person in the world.

You couldn't have any slight insecurity or any kind of dint in your confidence in any way, shape or form. Cause I feel like the wrong kind of look at the wrong kind of moment, you'd be like, oh, oh, great, oh, so her fanny's nicer than mine, is it? Like, I just think you'd have to have a completely different personality to what we have.

Yeah, yeah. And maybe a background upbringing. Let's be honest, both too needy. Let's be honest, both too needy. Yeah. You claim you're not needy, but you are needy. So don't lie. Oh no, I am.

I was just like, God, dare I say, I just quite like monogamy. Mahogany? Oh, monogamy. Mahogany's lovely. It's a dark word. That's one of them words, isn't it? Because you can change the like, monogamy.

Monogamy. What the fuck is it? Monogamy. Monogamy. But it can be, what a stupid word. Monogamy. That's the worst word ever really i thought you said you liked it no it is it's nice but it's hard. like the concept. monogamy. monogamy.

i used to really. you've seen you've done that thing where you've said it so many times now i don't know if we're saying it right. monogamy. mahogany. yeah. menopause. monogamy. Matthew McConaughey? Oh yeah, I would, I'd have him. Monogamy. Monopoly. Fuck's sake, this is... Hey, I tell you what, you're so undefined. If there's anyone out there still listening, right, after all this fucking dog shit, this is episode two. I'm cutting you off, I'm cutting you off. Guys, no, just quickly though, if you enjoyed that rhyming and you can see how much we can just do it off the coast. Don't you dare advertise our children's book on the back of that absolute horse shit. Monogamy.

For 12th of September, there's a Brunomia My House by Chris and Rosie Ramsey is out. Yes, pre-order it. There's going to be stuff for getting signed copies and things all over socials very soon. How to get signed copies, how to come to some sign-ins that we're doing. Yeah, we're doing some sign-ins. But listen, listen, it's much better than all that fucking monogamy. I can't even say it now. All that bullshit that just happened. Monopoly. I'll get the hell, man. Delete all of this. Guys, it's- No, we are monopolists. Oh my God, sorry. We are monopolists? Yeah. Fucking hell. Metropolis? Chris, it's the word- Spider- Superman? Low Fucking hell. Metropolis. Greece. Spider. Superman. It's the word that keeps on giving.

It's the word that just keeps on changing. Thank you for being here. Thank you for continuing to listen to this bullshit. Please obviously like, rate and subscribe and all your little podcast shops. That would be bloody lovely. But at this time, without further ado, for this week's Halucrative, Halucrative sponsor, and I do find that this does happen a lot more in the the summer so maybe it is a sort of seasonal sponsorship that I've got going on here. Yeah, and it doesn't happen that much to you, it happens now and then, it happens to me

quite a lot. I was robbing last night, this week's sponsor is Restless Leg Syndrome. Hey, hey, are you tired? Hmm, wanna have a nice little sleep? Hmm, well, your fucking legs don't. No, Lord of the Dance. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Hey, hate it.

I used to get it when I was little and it did used to hurt and Robin had it last night in the middle of the night. Yeah, very dramatic, but bless him. Oh, he was punching his feet at one point. He was still half asleep though, cause he woke up and he's like, what's wrong, he's got me legs in. He's like punching his legs, he's got his head in.

And then he went, I hate it here. And I went where? And he's got me, he's got me legs on. He's like punching his legs. He's got his head in. And then he went, I hate it here. And I went, where? And he went, wherever I am. I was like, okay, I think you're still half asleep. I think you're still half asleep. It's a bit dramatic, but no, but bless him. It must, it is horrible. And it must have hurt him.

Just really, really, really frustrating about children. What? Obviously I am Kaplan Dioralite, love Dioralite, live for it. Obviously Dioralite will and them kind of things, live for it. Obviously Dioralite will, and them kind of things, you know, like, what do you call it? Effervescent, what do I have? They're electrolyte tablets that I have as well. They will sort it out, but she won't have it.

I'll go there, I'll put it in juice, I'll go there, have some of that, I don't like it. Oh, would you like your fucking legs being in agony? Drink it then and shut up. Why do you just never remember being a child? You're talking about that as a 37 year old man. Like get over yourself. I know.

See the problem is. Hey, I'm 38 tomorrow as this stands Saturday. So yeah. 3rd of August, I'm 38. Thanks everyone for the millions and millions and millions of well wishing, appreciate it, et cetera. I grew up in a household where we didn't take stuff very often.

What are you talking about? What's like medicine? Oh, medicine and stuff. No, what do you do? I imagine it was old remedies in your house, toads under the bed and spin round three times and say, Jesus, backwards in the mirror or something. It's mad because my mom actually was a nurse

for most of my childhood. Yeah, but I just, you don't need Cal Poly, you'll be fine. Get some fresh air, that's your mom's thing fresh air go for a walk my legs hurting go for a walk my my car walk over walk we're never allowed to stay off no because you just couldn't pull the wool unless you were really poorly you just couldn't get away with it at all but I remember dissolver dissolver able like dispersable dispersable. Dispersable, is that the word? Soluble or dispersable, yeah. Paracetamol.

Yeah. Why do you know everything? What's the matter with you? What do you mean? Dispersable. Dispersable aspirin, that's right. So if you've ever got a bad throat, you gargle with dispersable aspirin,

but you've just unlocked a memory for me. I'm slagging Robin off, and also when we were on holiday, one of the kids, when we were with all our friends, one of the kids had sickness and diarrhea, and I was like, give her a diolite, and she wouldn't, me mate was like, she won't have it.

And it's like you want to go it's fucking black currant flavour drink it but I know what you mean because you've just unlocked memory. No listen yeah I'm about to get back on the kid's side. Okay. My mom tried to give me half of a tiny paracetamol when I was a little bit too old for calpol once. Fuck I made a song and dance about it. Like this is you get so annoyed with our kids right but I genuinely think our kids are a watered down, diluted, dispersable version. Is that the right context?

Yeah, kind of. They are you. Yeah. And I think you would have actually been 10 times worse than them. I think that's why I get annoyed with them because I see how annoyed I was. You start crying when someone called you

bloomin' Ramajammer. Don't, don't bring Ramajamma back into this. Exactly, come on. Don't you dare. Our kids are well hard compared to you. Nah, they're much better. Yeah, I remember she quartered this paracetamol thing, quartered it up and she was going to just swallow it. I was like, ah, ah, like all over the kitchen,

like coughing and spluttering water everywhere. Yeah, it was pathetic. Yeah, it was absolutely pathetic. You wouldn't eat a Sunday dinner. I wouldn't eat a Sunday dinner. I would hate to be pretty around you. I feel like I was chewing the chicken forever. I blame her for not cooking the chicken very well. She overcooked it. Don't, you are lucky to get a Sunday dinner. I would hate to be around you. I feel like I'll just chew on the chicken forever. I blame her for not cooking the chicken very well.

Chew if I cook it! Don't, you are lucky to get a Sunday dinner every Sunday. Yeah, to be fair. I was lucky to get one. Four stadders! Four stadders and the Rip Me Winnie the Pooh tape. Yeah, I'm going for that again. Not Ranma Gemma and Winnie the Pooh, not in one episode. I'll fucking cry. I'll have a breakdown. Oh yeah.

We had a fight about the jingle Jingle, jingle We couldn a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Maridinoid.

Do you know what? Just to quickly go go over that restless leg syndrome thing again, because a lot of people think that that's different to what it is. A lot of people don't. So my, my personal feeling of it is you feel fine and then it's like a tingling, it's like builds up and builds up and builds up and then you have to basically like tense your legs and straighten them out for it to go and then it goes and then it builds and builds and builds and builds and you have to tense them out again. But I think then it goes and then it builds and builds and builds and builds and you have to tense them out again but I think I think people experience it differently right because I've supported people before and they go oh yeah it really hurts like Robyn's really hurt mine

doesn't hurt it's never hurt when it's happening to me. Mine's just irritating. But is it the same as I'm describing it now is it you're fine and you're sitting there and then it's like a pressure building up and building up and building up and you've got to straighten your legs and straighten them and you hold them and then it goes and then it goes. And yeah, is that it for you? I think so. I think people have got different levels of pain threshold. So it doesn't hurt me. So I'm obviously hard as fuck. Probably do with the jiu-jitsu. No, you might just be used to having it for.

No, no, it's probably not that. It's got a lot to do with dehydration, I think as well. Yeah, something like that. But I just, I used to get it if I stayed up too late when I was little. If I stayed up in my bed. Tired legs, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there we go, got the bottom of that. But I just I used to get it if I stayed up too late when I was little. If I stayed up in the mountain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there we go. Got the bottom of that. So if you experience it, you know, let's start a GoFundMe page or something. Stretch your little legs out. Yeah. Buy a little buy a little centre for everyone to go to.

Stand and stretch their legs and go home. Brilliant. Be nice. Anyway, I was at the UFC at the weekend. Yes, you were. It was amazing. Stayed up all night, didn't you? Awful. I haven't. So that the weekend. Yes, you were. It was amazing. Stayed up all night, didn't you? Awful. I haven't, so that's, so it was great. Fights were amazing. Paddy Pimlett was phenomenal.

Tom Aspinall, phenomenal. It was mint. Well done, everyone. Who won? Fucking hell, it finished. We walked out, the first fight was 11 o'clock at night. I just don't understand why you went. I really just don't understand.

I did regret it by the end. Did you? I knew you would. Because Paddy Pimlett smashed the guy in one round and Tom Aspinall smashed the guy in a minute. And then the final fight, Leon Edwards, who is a British guy from Birmingham, he lost his title, but his was a 25 minute fight. And I was like, oh no.

At what time was that? Like five o'clock in the morning? It started at six, just after six. Oh God. I was at about quarter six. Four, I was looking at it and if you'd said to me, oh by the way, this arena's a boat and it sways back and forwards in the morning,

I'd go, yeah, we're on a boat. But you know what's mad actually, we're saying this and this is like a proper, I don't know if privilege is the right word, I've never done night shift before. Oh yeah that'll be what your first night shift felt like but then again I'd had a fuck load of beers and wine as well yeah but we stopped drinking about two o'clock in the morning but it was one I haven't done this for years we walked out of the

arena and it was blaring fucking sunshine. Oh my god like when you're abroad and you stay in a club till like five o'clock in the morning. I haven't done it for years and my body was like, why have you done this? Well I was very worried because I know that you get a little bit, a little bit, tetchy tootie-dee-chey if you don't get enough sleep. I do, I'm bad. And I was like, you know, go have a lovely time but you're gonna be a nightmare for the next few days but actually you haven't been. No, I sorted myself right out. So I went to sleep, it's quarter past seven on Sunday morning, went to sleep, got up at

half twelve, set my alarm, I was like I'm gonna get up at half twelve, walked around the hotel room not knowing what fucking day it was for a while, cold shower, coffee, banana, got back on it didn't I boys? Straight back on it after a couple of hours. So there we go. So Chris has been away as well because Chris doesn't like to document everything so I look like the worst wife, worst mother in the world. Yes, but I do go away once a year.

Just once a year, only time I do it, don't go out any other time than that. That's all I do. No, that's only because you've got, you could absolutely go away. I've got more friends than you. Oh, that hurts. I feel triggered, but it's true.

We've got a stag and hen party next year. Shit. Woo! Not together, separately, but our friends are getting married next year. Shit! Woo! Not together, separately, but our friends are getting married next year. People do them together. People do them together. I've been on one together.

Why? Whose? What's the point in that? So, how's it going? It was alright. Yeah? Was it man and woman or was it two guys? Man and woman.

We did separate stuff on the nights, but each to their own, I guess, isn't it? But like, you know. I don't like the sound of that. I don't like the sound of that at all. I'll personally not my cup of tea, but I'm very looking forward to it. I've been on't it? But like, you know. I don't like the sound of that. I don't like the sound of that at all. I personally not my cup of tea, but I'm very looking forward to it. I'm being on a hen do for a little while.

El plates, gonna wear the el plates? I'll have everything, me. Cock straws, el plates. Cock straws. But once upon a time, I went through a stage where I was like, oh no, thank you. Oh, not that. Now, I just feel like.

Tacky that, tacky. Bring the tack on. I love tacky me. There better be paper, co cock straws for the environment. If I hear, if I find the plastic, I'll fly over. I'll shut that down myself. No, no, I know. I will fly over.

Woo, woo, shut it down. I don't actually know where we're going yet. Well, we'll find out. I'll find yous. I'll find yous. Yours is all booked, isn't it? It's all sorted. All booked up, all sorted.

Of course it is. Yep, of course it is. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. So I did something extremely satisfying just before we started the podcast. Masturbated. That also. Yeah. Of course it is. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! So I did something extremely satisfying just before we started the podcast. Masturbated? That also.

Yeah. Used a carpet cleaner on the rug. Oh, do you know what, Chris? Yeah? I just went out, it looks bloody lovely. Do you know what? What? Seeing that dirty water in that thing.

Mmm. Nice, innit? It's nice, but then you go, oh, fuck, I was sitting on that the other day. Oh, no, it's disgusting. I was lying on that, playing Uno. By no, it's disgusting. I was lying on that playing Uno. By the way. Vile. Yeah, I know.

I know. The reason why we needed to get the carpet cleaner out was because my sister, Kate, you twat, she came around with a younger son who, how old's Oliver? 14? Yeah. Came around the other night and I was like, oh lovely to see you guys. Hey Oliver, what's that in that bag? Oh, just me five massive Tupperwares of slime. Slime, he loves making slime.

He brought all the slime. Five Tupperwares, I'm not even joking. And I'm not talking little Chinese takeaway Tupperwares, I'm talking, oh, you've put all your leftover spaghetti bolognese in that Tupperwares, massive deep ones. At one point, at one point they had Rob, Rave's got this like here table that he eats his dinner off in front of the telly

because we're trash. Used to be Robyn's as well. I've done some fucking, I've done a shit that table. Well, last night, the other night, sorry, when they were here, we were having a glass of wine and I turned round and Robyn was stood on top of the table with his feet in the slime. Brilliant.

Cause, of course he was. Yeah. And then obviously I was like, can you absolutely. Was any of the slime like a blue colour? Yes. Right, that hasn't come out. Great, brilliant. That's the thing hasn't come out, just so you know.

Blue, green, whatever. Yeah. So Robin, I said, can you not stand in the slime? And so he went, and then he jumped on the sofa. There he is. With foot first. Yeah. Fuck everyone.

Kate, Kate. Fuck everyone who buys our kids slime kits by the way. Kid, thanks for that. Yeah, yeah. I've got to respect how much he brought over though. That's industrial production. There was so much. Industrial slime production he's got going on there. Love that.

It was so much. Like genuinely he had done quite a good job as well. It was good slime, but I was just like hanging out. I mean I wouldn't let him in the house. You know me. I'd have went, you go in the back garden. I'd have gone in the back garden, not in the patio, you'll go in the grass with that.

Yeah. Yeah. And he's really good at cricket as well, right? So they were practicing cricket outside. There's my nephew, Ollie, he's really good. And he can throw the ball, you can hit the ball really far. We lost like four tennis balls.

Fantastic. I thought there was a few less tennis balls outside. Oh, do I really fucking- For one night. When I'm away, this is a, it's a lawless fucking wasteland around here when I'm away. No, it's not. There's slime everywhere, people putting their arses on the sofa.

You're just a dick. You're a dick. I'm not a dick. You are a dick. I just keep things nice. No, you're a dick. Nah. You always come to me when you want to know where something is, right?

It's because I keep things nice and I keep things organised. Because you're an anal piece of shit, that's why. Because you're, and you're just, oh I don't even want to get into it. You still just put everything away all the time, but not actually stuff that needs to be put away. So you'll walk past all the washing. You'll never put the washing away. You'll never take the washing upstairs.

But God forbid, if there's like a spoon out of place, you're literally like, why is that cup there? Why is that spoon there? How about you go and pick up all the washing on the dining table, the six fucking piles of it, and take upstairs?. The problem is I know why that's there, I know why the washing's there. Some things, it's just, you get really upset don't you, something weird. So guys, I'll walk into a room somewhere and there'll be something odd just on the floor in the middle of the room and I go, why the fuck's this here? And you're like, ah, ah god, it's like living my shit like

homes. And I'm like, I just want to know why that fucking colander is in the middle of the living room. Like what, the same answer every time. Ask us. Why is that colander in the middle of the room? The bins. Like what? All right, question two.

I call me host, I call me host. Right, so you just left it there. Yeah, it can just sit there and it can rot for all I care. That's your problem, that's your problem. Well, the the corners are plastic so good luck with them rotting. Yeah good. I've just bought, oh my god have you seen what I bought? There's a new one in the drawer I saw it. Yes. So it's a salad spinner right? You've got a salad spinner? Yeah I know but it's in a cupboard that I can't reach. So

that's where I should put all the crisps. Yeah. If that crisps, if I can't see something and it's not easily accessible, I will not use it. I won't use it. It's just, I can't change the way that my brain works. I can't. And I've tried over the years, I've tried to be one of them people who's like,

oh, I'll label this pasta and I'll know that that's in that cupboard. If I don't see it, I don't use it and it just doesn't. So that's it, right? So my salad spinner, which is very good, it's in that cupboard. If I don't see it, I don't use it, and it just doesn't, so that's it, right? So, me salad spinner, which is very good, it's in a different cupboard, and it's dying, I don't care. So I bought one, and it can fit in the drawer. That's next to everything, where it's just like,

that's where me stuff lives. And it's Suction's, it was one of them, you know, they're like, in Asda, where it's like, JML. Oh, it was on the telly? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Famous one. It was on the telly. Oh, it was a famous one. It was really good. Oh my God, it's on the telly Oh, was it on the telly? Famous one? It was on the telly. Oh, it was a famous one. It was really good.

Oh my God, it's on the telly there, but it's also on this shelf. It's famous. I love it. The kids were looking at the books and it was on the corner. And I was like, I'm gonna stand and look at the JML stuff for a bit. I do get a lot. I like it. I like the JML stuff.

You can be easily sold to. You can be advertised to. Oh, mate. You would come home with three magic beans, wouldn't you? You, that's you, yeah, 100%. So it's a salad spinner and it's suctioned to the bottom and you put it in, then you press it, like your little turny toy, like the kids little spin toys.

And it dries all your, like washes all your food. Where's all the water go? You put it in the sink, so you do it in the sink. Right, okay. Beautiful. So there you go. Happy new salad day to me. I've used it three times already. I've only had it for a week.

That's good going. Isn't it? Don't you think? You've used it three times already. I've only had one salad. I just threw the rest away. Just spouting them through. I just wanted to use it.

I mean, it'll not see the day during the month of October and March. Oh, yeah. But summer, I'm all for the salads, mate. What'll happen? What'll happen? You'll move it. You'll forget you've got it. It's time next year.

You're buying you in. I know. Don't ruin it, I'm all for the salads mate. What'll happen? You'll move it, you'll forget you've got it. It's time next year, you're buying you in. I'm ruining the planet. Nightmare, nightmare. Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's your beef beef beef beef?

Oh, do you wanna go first or shall I go first? I don't know. By the way, I know we sound really passive aggressive with each other and you kinda should be used to it by now, but we're in a nice place, aren't we? I think we're in a nice place. We're actually all right. We've had a lovely little morning.

We took a leisurely little morning. We've been in this studio for quite some time, just chatting and just talking about life. Sometimes we'll have to just talk. I mean, this morning getting the kids out the house was a nightmare. Yeah. That was horrible.

I just think sometimes when you do have kids, you don't actually ever get a time to just sort of like, how are you? Yeah. Is this, you know, and obviously last night we're watching House of the Dragon. So there's no talking at all. No, no talking.

Yeah. No talking whatsoever apart from the go, who's that? Which one? Pause it? Oh, thanks. Yeah. You're not, I'm following it really well. I get it. I think it's easier to follow than Game of Thrones.

Listen, it's amazing. We've done ads for it. We've talked about it. I love it. I love Game of Thrones. I love House of the Dragon. But as I said to you the other day, I think we should all just as a society agree that the next time they bring out a season like this, just in a postmodern kind of way, just give them all normal names and pretend it's fine. Firstly that's ridiculous. Secondly one of them is called Alan from Hull. Alan of Hull. Aaron. Was it Aaron? It was Aaron. Double R. It's an easy name to remember. Yeah double R because we had the subtitles on because Rosie was eating Doritos. Why do you keep saying Doritos? Doritos. Thank you.

Sorry. Oh God, I hate when you say Doritos. Wow. I can't even look at you. You said chrisman yesterday again as well. Sorry, yoghurt. Sorry, sammage. Doritos.

Sorry, national fucking campaign for Greg. Who wants a sammage? Who wants a sammy wammy wammage? Sammy wammula. Hey, hey. Wa, oh, wa, eh, eh, eh. Sammy wammula, sam Sam you are me la it's time for some sandwiches. Boo! Talk properly! Honestly I was in the caravans yesterday and someone

was calling it a caravan. Oh really? The different kind of rhythm? Caravan. Caravan. At one point I walked in the room and you had something on the laptop screen and it was two fellas and he said, it was something along the lines of, welcome to the Motoring Home and Caravan podcast. And I just turned around and walked back out of the room. I was like, they've two go fuck themselves. Oh, that is so awful to say. Oh, sorry and all that.

It's just not my thing. They could have a really good listening chip there. I bet they do. It's not my thing. Guys, I'm thinking about getting a caravan, by the way. Stop it. So. Because the motor home was brilliant but just not for our lifestyle. Yeah. So I'm thinking of getting a

caravan and just kind of touring one. It's got nothing to do with Chris though, he's not invited. Yeah I'm not gonna go, I'm not gonna look at it. Not gonna be involved in any way, shape or form. But what I was saying about How's the Dragon is that everyone should be like Dave and John and Sarah and Lisa and we should be okay with it so they don't have to be as your hair is and my hair and hang low and well Aaron you wouldn't Egon and ego you would I go I mean like if it's like

One name different all but one letter different, but both go blonde hair So when someone's taught about them, you don't know what's going on. You wouldn't have lasted two minutes in Rhodes. In Rhodes. Did you work in Rhodes? I did yeah. Okay I've got two beefs. Oh good for you. Right.

Spicy. So you go first and I will. Just remember we're going away together tomorrow with the kids. With the kids so they'll be arguing anyway so who cares. Just remember that. Yeah. It'd be nice. Good. Come on then.

Oh, me first? Yeah. I've got a few actually. Which one should I go for? I might have mentioned this before, but you've got worse at it. And I don't know whether you do it in your friendship group because I sometimes feel like when you do something

in your friendship group, it really infiltrates in our life, which I hate. Okay, brilliant. You tut all the time at the minute, but in a jokey way, but it just really gets on my nerves. Like you go. Oh, you're doing it. You've done it.

Oh, this morning when you said you were gonna have an egg, and I went. Oh yeah, it's just like, why you always gotta try and be funny all the time? Cause you knew who you married. It's so annoying. It's so annoying. You're like a dad. I am a dad. No, but like you're like Oh, it's so annoying. It's so annoying, you're like a dad.

I am a dad. No, but like you're like a really retained 80s dad. Please, can we just, I'm from the 80s. Can we just dissect what you've just said? What? You've just said to Chris Ramsay, the father of two and comedian who was born in the 80s, that I'm like an 80s dad and I'm always trying to be funny.

Fucking, what do you want? What do you want? A new life. Right, we need the same laugh there, that was horrible. Same rhythm. Can't wait for my menopause. Right, one more. Can't wait.

Do you know what it is? I might get myself some menopause. What will I have to do? Yeah. What will I have to do? Get a womb maybe? Right. Sounds like a good idea. Get one made I guess. That might just be a cunt for seven years.

Now listen. What do you, does anything happen to you? I don't think it does, does it? I don't think so, no. No. I don't think so. No sort of like really strong hormonal changes, nothing? No.

Great. Brilliant. I think your spunk doesn't go as far. Does it not? That's all that happens, yeah. Okay. That's all that happens. I think your spunk doesn't go as far. Does it not? That's all that happens, yeah. Okay. That's all that happens, I think. You'll never accidentally hit yourself

in the eye with it anymore. No. Ew. As if your sperm just works for years. Mad, innit? That blokes are just like- It's just shit. 70-odd having kids and that.

Yeah. Little swimmer's still absolutely spot on. Rats, innit? It is weird, innit? It's really weird. Anyway, listen. My beef with you is you, like I said it turns into a lawless wasteland when I'm not here. When you have had the kids in the garden playing in the

garden, you leave all of the shit out in the garden for days. Days. It's how I grew up. It's awful. It's how I grew up. It's awful. I had to beg you yesterday to move that slip and slide. Beg you. The grass underneath is like yellow and dying. We are part, I was part of a family. We just didn't pick our stuff up. Lazy fuckers, yeah, bunch of lazy fuckers. And you text us, you actually text us, was on my way home yesterday from Manchester,

and you text us going, by the way, all the kids' stuff's still in the garden, but it's not gonna rain today, so I'll clear it up tonight. I went right, okay, and I got there, and you hadn't cleared it up, and I was like, okay, I was like, what time are you gonna clear that up? I'll clear it up when you I went right okay and I got there and you hadn't cleared it up and I was like okay I was like what time you gonna clear that up? I'll clear it up when when you're bathing them. Came downstairs it was still there. You were sort of standing... I was busy doing it. No you were standing

outside looking. You were looking at the slip and slide. I was emptying the water. You can fucking apologise right for a will not okay I will not proceed because you came downstairs and you took over I was busy tidying up. Because Rafe wanted you. Are you, is this a joke? Okay. Hang on Ashton am I being punked? What a fucking outdated reference that is. Well give a shit.

I'm old as hell. God almighty. Chris I was tidying it away. I hate being pressured. There it is. I hate being pressured. This is, I hate being married. Honestly, get me on my own. You smile. I hate it.

I hate it. I think it's honestly, look at this. He's fucking hands. I'm like, I'm in prison. I'm fucking in prison because I haven't tidied up the kids. Cause I haven't tidied up the kids garden toys. What a bitch. Crazy. Like, alright so I did take over doing the slip and slide and that's cool.

But, nothing like, don't get us wrong, I understand that stuff needs to be put, but sometimes, and it's not even that it's gonna rain and the stuff's gonna get ruined because it's not gonna rain, touch wood, it's that I don't like, I like to look outside and see a nice's that I don't like it. I like to look outside and see a nice garden. I don't like it to look like Smith's Toys is just fucking jizzed all over the patio. Because that's what it looks like. I just like my kids to be happy. And if all of this stuff's out, they don't care.

They'll go and play with it when they go out. They were inside playing on computers. Of course they were. Yeah. What do you, do they even do it? They're not doing the other one. No, they do it. But I'll tell you this right now.

Go on. I'll tell you this right now. What? You listening? Uh huh. You're so awful. We have everything you need for an A-plus year. Come check out our special back-to-school offers. They'll leave you with more cash in your pocket for the stuff you love. Select plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over. Don't wait, our back-to-school offers are only available for a limited time. Go to Fido.ca or a Fido store near you

and save all semester long. Fido, at your side. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What are your self care non-negotiables? It's hard to make time for the things that keep you healthy, but being consistent with self care is like working a muscle. And when life gets crazy, that muscle keeps you strong. Therapy is the ultimate self care

and BetterHelp makes it easy to get started with affordable online sessions you can do from anywhere. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. This Friday, the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer ends here. This is your super friendly and not-aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, Friday. public as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmarriedanoid at gmail.com thank you hi guys hope you had a nice holiday it was hot um what i just wrote at the same time it was good it was good i've stopped i've i'll just tell people it was lovely now yeah

because people go e was your holiday nice and you go i think that's what other people do i'll be honest with you. I think we're too honest. We are. TMI as fuck. Yeah. I think other people go, yeah, it was fantastic. And you know, they don't go into the fact that the kids were fighting sometimes

and it was a little, you know, the stress. Yes, there is stress of it, but we just tell everyone everything. Cause we're weird. Everybody lives in this weird Instagram bubble world where everything has to be perfect. And it's actually, it's mad. Well, we're here. I know people who lie about their, like flat out, lie about their lives.

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I don't think that that's, that's right. But you, okay. All right. If that's how you want to portray your life. Well, we're here to keep it real. Exactly. Slash overshare. Yeah. Yeah. So I hope we had a nice holiday. Meh. It was amazing. It was brilliant. It was paradise. It was just exactly what we needed. Greatest thing that's ever happened. Yeah the kids were fantastic. I didn't want to come home. No me neither. Nah. Nah. I needed some doors hanging so advertised on Facebook locally for a joiner. Right. This guy came out and seemed canny enough, chatting away while he worked. And as he was planing some wood off with the door on its side, he straggled

the door to secure it between his legs, resting his bollocks on the edge of the door. I couldn't look at him, turned away while he cracked on, paid him and not used him again. Massive ick. That's not cool. What? That, like, he's just holding it in place. Have you ever played a door? It's a fucking nightmare. So hang on though, he actually just lifted these bollocks off,

like up and put them on the door. Oh, so he lifted them up and put them on. Well, I'm guessing so. So he physically just like shelved these bollocks. Put the door between his legs, resting these bollocks on the edge of the door. And this is a bloke who's put this, who's wrote this in. Oh, so it's a bloke. Oh, OK. OK. Because I was going to say if it's a woman, she might not understand the anatomy of the bollocks on the edge of the door and this is a bloke who's put this, who's wrote this in. Oh so it's a bloke, oh right okay okay because I was going to say if it's a woman she might not

understand the anatomy of the bollock. Yeah. But if it's a man who's right okay so he's full on. Would you do that? Right so I imagine what's happened is he's put, he's straddled the door to hold it in place and his balls are being in a weird position so he's he's repositioned his bollocks but essentially. Must be a tall guy. He's essentially t-bagged your door. Door's on its side love. He's essentially t-bagged the door. Do you think, sorry do you think it was fully up there? I don't know. Do you think his legs were six foot? I don't know. He was lying on its side. Okay. But that's like two foot in it. He didn't miss that tall. Is that two foot wide? How tall are you? Go stand up. Go lie down next to that entrance of that door.

Okay, so Chris is gonna just lie on the floor. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, go on. Right, right. Okay, so your legs are about the length of the door. The width of the door. Mm-hmm. Is that nice?

Most action I've had in months, that. I mean, just like, if he's put his bollocks and they've gone in a weird way and he's had to scoop and pull his bollocks up, then yeah, he's essentially teabagged the door. It's like, my big thing he does, he might drive, but you know that street in Shields where I did all the railings with my dad

and I always tell people, me and my dad made all them railings, he might drive past with his mates and go, teabag all the doors in that house. Probably. I wouldn't like that if I was watching that, that would really upset me. Yeah, we need new doors. Why? Just fucking put his bollocks all over the perimeter of every single one of them. I get upset when you can see knobs through pants and that. Like, I just don't.

Nobs through pants are bad. Arse cracks are bad. Well, we've talked about it before. Yeah, weirdly I can get over arse cracks. I think, oh, it's just, you know. Have you got no fucking nerve endings at the top of your arse crack, I think, oh, it's just, you know. I just don't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I on the day when we got back on here after the UFC. And his t-shirt had rolled right up and I could just see half of his stomach while he was sitting.

And I went, can you pull that down? He went, oh, sorry. And I was like, how did you not know? How did you not know? I could see his fucking belly button. I'm like, you had a crop top on. Mate, I'm trying to find, Pint, can you pull that down? God almighty.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize. How did you not realise? Yeah, I always realise if like a bit of my body's out. It's like, you know like toddlers just don't realise. And you've been walking around and they just don't know what's going on. One fucking pant leg up, one sock on. You know, oh I'm in the wrong hole. They're not bothered.

Some adults are like that. You go, what? Why have you got no feeling anyway and you've got no awareness? Sometimes the tits come out. I'm not gonna lie. What do you mean? When I was dancing when I awareness? Sometimes the tits come out. I'm not gonna lie. What do you mean? When I was dancing when I was abroad, my tits come out.

Oh, that's fair enough. Dancing's fair enough. I know what you mean. I think I would notice. Yeah, that's funny. That was my biggest fear when I was on Strictly, a wardrobe malfunction. That was one of my biggest fears.

When you're standing there reading, I was like, dancing the tango. I'm like, oh. Is that your biggest fear? Not being reading the news recently? No, but you know what I mean? No, but you know what I mean? Like, me pants ripping or something like that,

or something getting caught on something, and just, imagine, man, like, something getting caught in your pant, you know, they're all like made to order, but the costume bottom were amazing, but like, gets caught on something, like you're trying to jump over. I got sold into my outfit. Aye?

Sure. Honestly, it was actually wild, like, I had to into my outfit I honestly I was actually wild like and I had to take me on bra and then before we went on stage I just the bra got sewed to the costume and I was like so this is it and I'm just I live in this now and then when we're finished I had to get like picked out of it wow so we had I still got that no still got it did I ever So weird. I've still got that now. Still got it. Did I ever tell you when I was doing the warm up for the Graham Norton Show years ago,

and Nicole Scherzinger was on, and she walked past us in the corridor, and just as she walked down the corridor, she turned to speak to someone, and she burst out of her dress right in front of where I was. I didn't know what I did, I didn't know where to put myself.

They just grabbed her dress, held it, took her back and saw her back into it. Was it tight? Ridiculous, it was skin tight. Jesus. But it popped right in front of us and I've never turned away so fast. I nearly, I nearly popped my neck out. What part of her body was it?

Like the side bit here, like, like thigh and thing. And it was just like, oh God, I need to look away immediately. Like, give myself fucking a good laugh. I had a good look. I just had a massive body guard, he was huge. Oh, right. I would have got an eyeful if he wasn't there. He immediately looked at me and I immediately looked at the wall.

Beautiful little dance we did. I had a good little look, me and I. Perfect. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Hi, Ramsey's. Be listening to you guys from the early days and you're always bright in my Friday jogs. Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you. Sent in a few stories, but this one is fresh off the press, so to speak. Just putting my two and a half year old down for a nap. He's at that stage where he'll use whatever stalling tactic he can think of and today he decided he was hungry. I gave him a handful of almond nuts to keep him quiet. You're a fucking middle class piece of shit.

Sorry did I say that out loud? Sorry. I meant oh good choice. Don't say that because we, the snacks that our children get now are so much more posher than what we had as kids give me a fucking cheese string you pretentious chua I don't have any snacks when I was a kid didn't exist didn't exist no but like that's it see again you so your mom says mad stuff about when she was younger and that's one of your yeah that's that's one of

your bullshit thing course snacks didn't exist when you know but like all right tells us not used to have then mr. Kipling, yeah, that's one of your bullshit thing. Of course, snacks didn't exist when you were a kid. No, but like, all right, tell us a snack you used to have then. Mr. Kipling chocolate chip cake for us. That's a pudding, that was a pudding. It was a fucking snack. It was a pudding. Cheese string. Were they around when we were two, three?

Yeah, I don't know, two, three, when we were older. No, they weren't, that's what I'm saying. Oh, you mean when we were two or three? Aye. Ah, fucking bread and butter and something. You didn't have snacks, snacks were a thing. You didn't go, mom, I'm hungry. Mom went, but breakfast has been done and dinner is not here yet. You cannot eat. It's impossible.

Sn, I've never heard that word. Sn, snah, snah. They existed. You can't say snacks didn't exist. Just, but that's your, there it is. That's your first mom bullshit thing that you'll say to the kid. When I was a kid, snacks didn't exist, it was all fields. Again, again, okay, they didn't exist in my life because me mom never bought crisps. Like seriously, this is gonna make you sad. And I don't know if I've mentioned this on here before. If you look at that, if you look at that,

I'll watch one more time and I'm gonna fucking chop you. If you tell me how to live my life one more time. Don't, don't, I'm due on, I will take this off and I'll smash it against that door and I'll make you buy me another one. And this is lowest of the range and I'll demand top high range. What was I saying? This is gonna make you sad. Do you know, desperate times in my house, right?

Because I can't work out whether we were really skinned, which we were, or my mom just is like me and couldn't have stuff in the house because she'd eat it all. I imagine it's a nice little mixture. It's a bit of both. So, my treat that I used to make myself... Oh God, here we go. I've said it before because you'll know I used to get digestive biscuits, right? The plain ones. Yeah.

Awful. And I would get, I would make like ice, you know, like ice and sugar and water. Yes. And then I would put that on top. Yeah, you've said this. Yeah, yeah, and I would make like ice and sugar and water, and then I would put that on top. Yeah, you've said this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sad times. Yeah.

It's like me little own little biscuit. Did you ever have digestives crushed up in custard? I don't like custard. Good, good chat. Good chat. Never been a custard fan, honestly. You don't like yogurt-y stuff like that, do you? No, no.

I mean, I could eat it if I was desperate. Yeah. I'm surprised you don't like custard. I know. Custard seems like it would be your thing. Does it? Right up your street. Oh yeah. Why? It just seems like it just, just keeps. No I just like your dry cake main thing. Does anyone here about?

Yes please. Arming. Who used to call them armings? Armings? I think that was my Kev. Really? Yeah. Armings. There's no chanceming's? I think that was my Kev. Really? Yeah, Alming's. There's no chance that there was Alming's not around in your house.

For a while, right? Why did we have so many sugared almonds in our house? Do you remember wedding, in the olden days, in the olden days, our childhood, you would go to weddings and everyone would have sugared almonds, it's like fair, isn't that? Fair from the table, yeah.

We had them for years off the belt. You might have went to a wedding with a big bag one day. Maybe. To clear them off all the tables. No, honestly, we had sugared almonds, but I would just suck all the stuff off and then chuck away the almonds. Disgusting.

Yeah. Absolutely disgusting. I think it was my Kev used to say almonds. I used to have me digesters with me icing on and our Kev used to have almonds and just dip them in jam. No, jam, good luck. And our Kate used to have almonds and just dip them in jam. No jam, good luck. And our Kate used to butter a fucking carpet tile and suck the butter off it.

Butter, good luck. And we all sat there, devastated. Margarine I meant. I meant margarine. Do you know, just I'm so sorry, we'll get back to Almondgate, right? But just when I think of loads of words that my Kev couldn't say, like he couldn't say almonds, we he say armings he said lemon-lade like loads of stuff and we were like he is he so cute with these little these little speech thing full-on glue ear And he can't speak. And we were like, he's so cute.

Listen, oh, Mum, listen, I was saying this. So that backs up what you said. That backs up what you said about you's never had medicine or anything. No, just. He's fine. He just says something stupid. Mum, his ears bleeding. He's fine. Go for a walk.

Get some fresh air. Why is our Kevin so close to the telly? Oh, he just loves it. Can't, he literally can't hear it. He's got gluey ears and both ears. Oh,'s got glue in both ears. Oh god bless him. So just having the kids having some almonds. Give the kid a handful of almonds. Okay I'm so sorry everyone. A bit later he started to complain that his bed was uncomfortable. In desperation and in the semi dark Iark, I whipped off the blankets, straightened the pillow

and grabbed a stray nut that was lying on the sheets, popped it into my mouth as one does. Alas. Okay, so that's sharp to lie on. Yes, totally went off piece 13. Okay, so it's the almonds. So let's start again, right. I would not like, I mean princess and the pea, but I would not like to lie on an almond.

Kids are mental though, they can lie on whatever. Like it doesn't really matter, do you know what I mean? But they've had a snack, some almonds. Wild for a two year old, but that's fine. Absolutely wild. Um. So I'm gonna go like that. Raisins, soft, probably soft, nice choice.

Yeah, I'm gonna be honest with you, I feel like, I might have a working class too, I'm sure. I feel like you're raising a bit of an asshole here. Mummy, no nap yet, I need my almonds. Then you're, oh, Mummy, bed's extremely uncomfortable. Mummy, fluff the pillow and change the sheets. So, given the almonds, now the uncomfortable bed, so they're trying to sort it out.

And then she's felt a bit of almond on the sheet and thought, oh, I'll have that. Popped it in her mouth, okay, as one does. Alas, as I bit down on the nut. Oh, fuck off. At the same time registering an unpleasant, familiar smell. Oh, okay, as one does. Alas, as I bit down on the nut, Oh, fuck off. At the same time registering an unpleasant, familiar smell, Oh no, no.

It dawned on me that it was in fact not a stray nut, but yes, as any parent will guess, it was in fact a hard little ball of poo. Oh for fuck's sake. That had obviously rolled out of his nappy as he wriggled around in his bed. Oh God. Imagine eating bed. Oh God! Imagine eating...

Oh don't eat it, I'm so sad! Imagine eating one of your toddler's little nugs. Oh! That would be horrendous. But you know what? Why would I not see that? I'd normally spot that a mile off. You didn't see that at all.

This is a lesson to all of us, right? Don't be shit. Because I'm bad for just eating stray bits of food. I always have been. If there's something, I'll just eat it in my mouth. Right. It's cause you never had snacks when you were a kid innit? Clearly.

Making up a lost time. Clearly. I need to just stop. Just don't, why did you think, oh I'll eat that? I'm so upset. And actually, maybe I wouldn't have been in the bed cause I'd have been like, where's that bean? In the, you know, gobs or whatever.

Bit of shit. Bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of bit of shit. I'd say again, just live in a house where there's just almonds lying around everywhere, you kind of tell the difference between almonds and bits of shit. Similar colours. God, imagine biting that.

The shock for me, the shock is the thing. So when you get something, I watched a TV show, a kids TV show years ago, it was like Blue Peter or something, they were doing like a thing where it was like, no it wasn't, it was How To. How To. Remember How To? You loved How To, was Neil DeCanon? No, it was, I don't think it was on How To. No no it wasn't it was how to how to remember how to how to was how to no it was I don't think it was on how to no you wasn't genuinely don't think it was on how to anyway they did a thing where they put food dye they put food dye blue food dye with no flavor on macaroni

cheese and it was blue and they let them taste it with out and without blindfold they're like ah tastes. And then they let them taste it with a blindfold on and they're like, oh, it tastes fine. And it's what your brain does and what your brain must do when you are expecting a of an almond and it's actually just a soft, almost a brownie texture. Shit. That must, and it just like, it must, that, I don't want to get too much into it I'm gonna bite into that but it must it must be like fucking knickknacks it must immediately clog your teeth I don't know what I would do it wouldn't be like

knickknacks it would be like a brownie fudge brownie that's really made us really sad okay do you mean it was just trying to get the bayonet sleep as well that's me other thing as well the kids not going to the nap and it's a nightmare. And then on top of all of this nightmare of trying to get this kid, this privileged little fucker by the sounds of things to sleep. What? You've just done any shit as well.

Our Robin eats pistachios and almonds man. Yeah, we're totally joking. We're totally joking. Totally, totally joking. Our Raph won't touch them cause he is, you know. Picky little fucker. Same as I was. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

Hi both. The draft of this email has been at the bottom of my screen every time I go into my emails for over a year now. Oh, not good enough for you, I will not. No, they're just debating whether to send it in or not. Oh, okay, sorry. Glad you did. God.

Sorry, I went straight on the defensive there. I know, gosh. I went straight on the defensive. Chris has been living in his comment section for too long. I was just listening to the podcast going around Tesco and I'm forcing myself to finally bloody send it in while sat in my car in the car park, right? Yay.

Last year, while I was in the process of catching up, mind sweepment of drinks was mentioned and reminded me of a time I got the ick about my own mother. Wow. Mind sweepment, if you don't know, is just a... Just blame I don't ever do it, it's really dangerous. Don't do it at all, and it's disgusting. Yeah, it's going and drinking the dregs

of all the drinks that are left on the bar or in the tables of the, yeah. Horrendous. My mate used to do it again, I think I've talked about it, we did it, used to do it around nightclubs all the time, got glandular fever, I was ill for six months. Bedridden for six months.

Oh God, that is so awful. It's insane. So awful. It was Mother's Day last year, and we were booked to go to a rather nice afternoon tea at the tea rooms in a local park. My mum, grandma, grandpa and myself were sat having a lovely time. Behind us was a table of a similar family members but instead of a 27 year old mate it was a toddler around two. Everyone was enjoying the sandwiches, scones,

quiche, patisseries and cakes whilst catching up. Sorry, someone took a toddler of two for afternoon tea for their birthday. I don't know why. Is that what you just said? Maybe. People are wild. People take kids to everything. Yeah, we just don't live like that.

But people will take their child to just everything and expect just to be like me kids here. Well, they shouldn't be, but whatever. It's just, it's a weird world that we're living now where people feel entitled to take their children everywhere and I just can't, I don't really get it. But each to their own. As long as I don't have to look after them. You know what I mean?

Yeah, the noise of other people's kids doesn't even affect me. Oh no, that's, I'm not, I don't, I love kids. I just get relieved that it's not mine. I love them. I love being around kids. I think it's great being around kids, but I just always think, are you enjoying yourself?

Yeah. As much as you probably could with your child there. But then you know what it is, we're really privileged with childcare. Some people live in a world where they have no childcare. Yeah. And I kind of think, fair enough. I'm sorry I wasn't getting on that.

I was getting on the fact that the way it was written there was like, I'm having my, I'm 27, I'm having my party. And behind us, there's a two year old having their tea party as well. And having their tea party as well. No I think they were just there for afternoon tea. But some people just love being around the kids all the time. Nutters! After a while people start to filter out after finishing. The table behind us being one of them. Now this is probably the point where I should say my mom has an extremely sweet tooth so a tiny square of a chocolate brownie is like giving a cat one feeble dreamie. I understand.

I was chatting with my grandparents about the table where China, as it was all vintage, went out of the corner of my eye. Oh no. You greedy hickin' me. I caught my mother turning around at the table behind and taking the chocolate brownie they had not eaten and left behind. That's disgraceful. Gob smacked knowing my grandma hadn't seen as she would have hit the roof in a very polite old lady way. I processed what I had just seen. I then said to my mum, have you just eaten their leftover brownie?

To which with a full mouth of brownie as she'd eaten it whole so not to leave any evidence to be seen, nodded with a gleeful expression on her face. Grossed out, I explained, that's gross. There was a toddler on that table and he probably sneezed all over it and touched it. My mum, with zero fucks to give, shrugged her shoulders and said, oh well, they're yummy. Oh, you know what, I wish that was a bit of shit. I wish that was some toddler shit and they picked him off the floor and put on the thing. Shocking that. So

Did I ever tell you when college is someone to do that once in a hotel. I can kind of see where she's coming from because it's just gonna go in the bin. No you can't not. I can but I would never I would never do it but I can kind of see. You can't be going to other people's table and getting that. No. Just that right okay think of this then would it be what would the reaction be if you said to the waiter are they are are they not eating that? I'll have that. They'd be like, no, health and safety, disgusting, greedy fucker. Carl tried to do it once with a pizza in a hotel lobby. Oh God. Is he all right with you telling all of these stories by the way?

He's got no choice. Right, come on then. There was something, it was years ago. It was old Carl. So we often discuss old Carl. You'll say something and you'll go, hey, Old Carl would have done that. And I'm like, oh yeah, Old Carl. All right, okay. Yeah, so Old Carl being a massive dickhead. Yeah, we're in a hotel lobby and these people,

and he went, I'm gonna go and close the pizzas in the left. And he went and we'll go and see if there's got any pizza left. And I went, no, you can't. I went, you can't stand up and go and take some pizza that someone's left on a table. Did you not have any pizza at that time?'s left on a table. It's fucking disgusting. Did you not have any pizza at that time?

No, I think we tried to order some and we couldn't get any. Right. And the hotel wasn't doing any food or whatever. I was like, no. Okay, but in his defense, what if you'd been with them people and they might not have been your best mates or anything,

but what if they were like, do you want a bit of pizza? You'd have had it. Yeah, there's completely different. So why can't you have the leftover pizza? Because it's completely different. You don't know them. You've made no contact with them.

You're just gonna go up and steal the pizza they left. It's vile. Left it? What? I'm not saying I would do it myself. The amount of time that you fucking side with him on this podcast is starting to really stress me out. Because I actually think that me and him

might be destined to be together. Like last week when you wanted to drink in a fucking underpass with him and watch the England game on your phone. Oh, honestly, I couldn't have it. I was like no, absolutely not. Nah, I know what you're saying. I get what you're saying if you literally, if they'd went, oh he's comedians. All right, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, you're in town for, oh yeah, we're doing this. Hey, do you want a bit of pizza? That yes. Just that bit of dialogue.

I'm not saying I would do it. I'm just, you know. I suppose it's a difference between someone offering you in their house to use their toilet or breaking in to use their toilet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. That's it.

They've asked you, they've said, you know, I don't know how, but they know you need a piss. They say you're holding your dick. Do you want to come in and have a piss? Or they've left the door open, just run in and have a piss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There it is. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. There's no hello here.

Don't read it then. Fuck them. No no it starts off. Oh sorry. It's not a question as such but an experience I felt you'd enjoy being shared. Okay. Dear Chris and Rosie. Dear Rosie and Chris. Sorry. I'm first. I recently went and- Does it actually say Chris and Rosie?

Well in brackets it says Rosie's name goes first because she is the real MVP in your couple. What does MVP mean? Most valuable player. I tend to agree. Popping my dishonest, you can't fucking function. That's only once a month. I can't function today. It's only once a month, so that doesn't count, does it guys?

I don't because I know you have to live with it and I know I'm really hard work, I am, but imagine having it actually be me. And be, and have the hormonal surges. So I would much rather not. But you know I'm joking, you know I love you and it's fine. Now you're saying it after you've just slagged us off and not put away the fucking garden toys. For the comedy, for the comedy.

That's another thing you know, sometimes when you're're odd you on I've got no energy other than just sort of getting through the day. I've got no energy to spare to pick up fucking garden toys. You can do it after this it's a nice day. Right listen recently went on a date after talking to a girl from Hinge for a few days. What's Hinge? Is it just a new app? I heard loads of people talking about it. So is it more of like a shaggy one? I don't know. I always say nice things. When I say memes, I always say nice things

where it's like a screen grab of a text and it's like, I don't know. A hinge must be nice then. I don't know. I think that, I've got no idea. Door references this week, isn't it? What? Like door hinge and the door thing, playing on the door.

Okay. Well well look if anyone's on hinge can you let me know? Is it less hook upy than Tinder? Is it more I don't know there's hinge there's bumble there's all kinds. Anyway the date went well the drinks flowing things getting handsy and safe to say we were both into each other. Heavens above. What? Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody. I announced I needed to head to the station to make my last train and she suggested I come back to hers to stay the night. Winner. She says winner. I think Hinge is a shag one. We headed back to hers and I was met by what can only be described as a house that would be ideal for Channel 4's Horda's documentary.

Oh never in the world. When I say there was shite everywhere, it wouldn't do it justice. The infinite amount of crap in that house. What was it, a garden like? Was the loads of toys out? Or was it? Possibly. Think of that one episode of Friends where Ross is in a similar situation. Yes. I was living in a 90s sitcom, that's a great episode of Friends. After my initial scan of my surroundings, she didn't give me much time to protest or make a dash for the

door. She got me against the wall and the friskiness began. It moved to the limited space. Notes of piles of old newspapers falling over. Clearly. It moved to the limited space available on the sofa with her riding on top. This detail is somewhat essential. Okay. Remember that. She's on top. They're on the sofa. Are they shagging at this point? They must be. Riding?

Dry humping. There it is, the old dry humping. Do you remember dry humping? Do you remember dry humping? God, I haven't dried humped for years. Pointless, when you're married you go, what you doing? You're wasting me time. Lots of coming back soon. Get them fucking pants, get your knickers down right nigh. Now I wear a thin chain necklace with a gold ring on it think Frodo in Lord of the Rings. Yep, Ick. Oh you're gonna regret that. Okay take it back delete that. I don't wear the ring on my hand as I'm not really a fan of jewelry however I like to have the ring

with me as it has sentimental value. Okay sorry. In the ring is a glass stone that contains some of my late mother's ashes. Okay, I apologise. You can imagine in the absolute house of hoarding horrors I was reluctant to take it off in case it was lost to the abyss of shite. So ironically after saying that that was ick I feel like putting Frodo's ring on now and disappearing. We'll let you off because I know what you mean it is a bit icky but it is his dead mother's ashes so you are a Disgusting person. Well I am, I have done worse.

After round one on the sofa in brackets with my dead mother around my neck is a hitchhiker to this sexual encounter. Oh well actually yeah shame on you. The girl suggested we go upstairs. At this point I was miles from home, no trains and uber back to mine a budget breaking amount and so I thought in for a penny and in for a pound. Mother didn't raise a quitter. And so I looked past the stay at the house and followed willingly upstairs. Ah good on you son. Things quickly turned heated once we tipped the pile of crap off her bed.

Sounds horrendous doesn't it. I wouldn't say rough. Being this woman would not get on. No you'd be, you'd literally have just said love, no. I'd have walked in and went no. I'd have went no. Absolutely. What is all this? Are you, are you, I'd be, oh you're moving? You packed up to move? No, alright, no this is just all of your shit. Okay. Which door's the toilet? That one. And which door's the door that we came in? That one. Okay. turn around, count to 10, bye. Ah, courtsgabies from someone's house once.

Fantastic. That I was casually. Fantastic. Not a sad one, eh? Anyway, so, once got the pile of crap off our bed. I wouldn't say rough, but certainly playful. Fingers in mouths, light choking, bit of slap here and there.

On a first, what the fuck's wrong with everyone? The porn has ruined. You're bald. You're all bald as brass, I'll tell you that right now. And you, mam, hanging around your neck should be ashamed of you. Sorry. She was a bit of filth, both sexually and domestically. One is welcome, the other is not. A trip to Bayne M clean and isle is needed for her. This time I seem to be predominantly on top. So he's now on top. Downstairs on the sofa, the ring had sat on my chest quite comfortably. However, being on top, it now dangled quite close to her face. Just as I finished, she leant upward slightly and put my dead mother's ring

in her mouth and started to suck it. She playfully swallowed more of the chain into her mouth where my mother's ashes were now being swirled around her dirty mouth. You can't say that! Rather in her mouth than on a fucking sofa! Pulling my neck slash head slash face closer to hers. She tried to kiss me, I think her thought process being that it would be hot for two tongues in the ring in the middle. At this point I had gone past the point of soft and I actually think my own genitals had retracted into my, sorry, retreated to mybutton. I had to tell her she'd got my dead mum's ring in her mouth. She spat my mum out. Just say ring don't say it mom. I ordered the budget breaking uber and thought it would just have to be a credit card job. I left without another word.

So that's the story of how one night my dead mum's ring was sucked by a one-night stand. So that's the story of how one night my dead mum's ring was sucked by a one night stand. Mum has since been rinsed and dettoled and thoroughly sanitised. Hopefully my future encounters will be sexually dirty but domestically clean. Enough that I feel comfortable to remove my mum and place her on the bedside table whilst I underperform for 2-3 minutes. Underperform? Who knew the afterlife would be so thrilling? I don't think he needed to say that. However, it's the perfect way to get out

of that scruffy fucking house. Do you think? I'm sorry, I'm just so disgusted that it just sucked off me mom. I'm gonna have to leave. Like. It's his excuse. Yeah. He did come first, didn't he?

Well. Yeah. Oh, all's well that ends well. I love that kind of like, I love, I don't know. Nice way to deal with trauma. Yeah. Just sort of, I don't know, nice way to deal with trauma. Yeah. Just sort of, I don't know, it's just written really lovely and like, it's just quite funny. Here's a question though.

Do you often think, I think you haven't had that many people close to you who've died, have you? No, I've been very lucky so far. Do you, but like sometimes, do you think they can see you when you're having sex and stuff? No. Because you know how, well obviously being brought up Catholic, you're like, they're watching

you, they're looking down on you. I'm like, I hope they are. That's my afterlife. Is it just fucking watching every other country that's still alive? I know. That's what's going to happen. I'm going to die and I'm just going to sit in like a fucking security guard in a shopping centre.

I know. I don't know, Chris. Just sitting, looking through cameras at everyone. Oh, well, turn away, he's having a shite. Oh, fucking hell, he's having a wank. Is there not a book? Is there not a book in here I can read while they're all doing dirty shit please. Oh there's my granddaughter getting rattled from behind over a fucking car bonnet.

Oh yeah two of them two of them brilliant. Great. I know it's horrible isn't it. Oh there's my oh there's my ashes up someone's arse cracking this is get me out of this fucking room this is the good bit where's's... Get me to hell! Get me to hell now! Oh this is hell! Oh fair enough! Makes sense. Who knows what happens. I don't know. But I do honestly sometimes I'm like, oh god. Imagine how bad that would be for me.

Not even if I'm watching them wanking and shagging and all. Just...my house! Just my stuff! Oh fucking never see that! Who...how many people's in there? Me just shouting into the security camera but I put a coaster down so if you died would I just have to be really aware of how clean the house was all the time you'd have to get outside and get them fucking door so I'd literally be like your dad's gonna be watching and kick them off. Hold the shit out of you. By the way do you know what I've started doing yeah and I

don't care I don't care all. Because you lose your temper so quickly with the kids. I've started saying to the kids, don't you make dad gross. Wow. So I'm bad cop. Yeah. Wow. I've just thought, you know, just completely ignore what you just said there. You know, like poltergeist. Yeah. You know, they say like poltergeist was like ghosts that move stuff. Do you think that's just someone who's died, who's married to a messy fucker who's just trying the hardest to tidy up for them. Do you think?

Yeah, I think so. Ian, he moves the clock all the time, because it's fucking in the middle of the, it's off-center! It should be in the middle of the mantelpiece, you've got it over the left! I don't know, Chris. He moves that clock.

Well, fucking leave it where he put it, then. There's no real answer, is there? We'll never know, I guess. Well, we'll all find out at one point. If it is or if it isn't. Some sooner than others. Sorry. Babadu babadu babadu babadu.

Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mound and Oid. Make sure you listen next week. Are you gonna make Chris mad? We're part of the Acast Creator Network. Daddy'll be cross. Thank you so much for listening. As always, if you wanna get in touch

at shagmoundandoid.gmail.com. Cheers.com and the Poon Army book is available for pre-order and the links to get the signed copies and stuff should be live on our insta's if not very soon. Thanks, bye! This episode is sponsored by Audible. A fiery rivalry, a nemesis with benefits, a race to get to the bottom, but stay on top. Here, Canada's own best-selling romance author, Lily Chu's newest Audible original, Drop Dead, starring Hamilton breakout star, Phillip Assu, paired with versatile funny man, John Cho,

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