Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 281. The Ninth Hour

Episode Date: August 9, 2024

This week on the podcast, The Ramseys have done a big newspaper interview… what could have possibly gone wrong?! It was Chris’ birthday, and the sun has been shining - but even so, something he passed in the street made him very envious… We also have two crisp-adjacent beefs, as well as QFTPs which feature unacceptable utensil use, more old wives tales and a very eloquent child.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, I'm Christopher. Hello, hello, how are you? I'm alright, how are you? We're having a bit of summer. We have had a little bit of summer, we went to Harrogate recently and it was bloody boiling hot. Two days away with the kids. I know. Then we came back and then I had my birthday celebrations. Dare I say it, we're both a little bit fragile today.

Just can't handle it anymore, can we? Nah, so we did the two days in Harrogate. We had a couple of bottles of wine in that while we were there. Definitely. Then I got back, had a night with the lads. You had your mom around. Then we both went out on the Saturday. Then you. That's why I'm naked.

Yeah, you've had six days on the trot road. Oh shit, I forgot about that. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Five days. When you went out with the lads I was like well I was just in the house but yeah me mom came around we had a bottle of wine. You know you did your usual. You did your usual. Can't bear me going out and having fun on me own so you have to go and make fun in the house on your own. Absolutely. I sit you know when you're out I sit in a dark room with a glass of water and I stare at the wall. Even though I can't see the wall because it's dark. Lose it. No, so we're just, we're detoxed this week I reckon.

Honestly can't do it anymore. So I did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So you're a day ahead of me. I didn't have any alcohol yesterday or any like, I just, I feel, my body just can't take it anymore. Just can't take it. Do you know what it is though, Chris? I don't know about you, but when the sun's shining,

I just wanna drink. I just wanna drink, 100%. I just want a bloody goddamn cold beer or a cold wine. Yeah. That's all I want. All the time. Tell you what, right? Yeah. Fastest way to get spat on by me off of my red wine when the sun's out. I'll kill you. Oh, you've been spitting loads recently.

I beg your pardon, I was joking. This morning. I would never spit on someone. Oh no, I don't mean on a people. You were just spitting. On a people. On a people. On a people. Chris Ramsay, you are charged with spitting on a people.

We were in the garden before having a lovely little time, me and you, just sitting chatting. You were spitting everywhere. What you doing that for? Was I? Aye. So were you doing me spitting? Was I spitting? Aye.

I did feel sick. And then you had a piss in the bush. God, you're disgusting. How disgraceful is our life that the piss was mentioned second. So the spit was, you were spitting everywhere and you had your piss. But me and Riff and Robin constantly have pisses in that garden. I know, which is fine. Scares the foxes off.

Does it though? Because I feel like it brings them closer. It's probably, you just need to stop pissing in the garden. Because in the winter, I'm like, it's fair enough because it rains all the time, so it gets washed away. But in the summer, it's just gonna smell like piss. Rained yesterday, love. It'll probably rain later on. Did it rain yesterday? Yes, it did. You would know this if you weren't out on the lash. Oh, it rained a little bit. Because Muggins here, I had to get the cushions in, didn't I?

Oh, I've got a bloody blister, haven't I? Why? Walked, just walked ages. Oh, did you? Walked in me wedges. Walked Oh, I've got a bloody blister, haven't I? Why? Walked, just walked ages. Oh, did you? Walked in my wedges. Walked ages, I know. Oh, stupid. Absolutely stupid. Listen, guys, thank you so much for being here.

It is episode 281. I hope you're having a lovely time wherever you are. What's that? You've just talked... Oh, no, just... What? These bottles, we bought a bottle from the shop and it's like a reusable bottle. A reusable water bottle, yeah.

It just doesn't taste very nice. Oh, don't be saying that. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I've got one. Mine's lovely. I've reusable water bottle, yeah. It just doesn't taste very nice. Oh, don't be saying that. Oh, no, sorry. I've got one. Mine's lovely. I've had mine in the fridge. It's fantastic. All right, OK. It's a blue water bottle with water embossed across it. Yeah.

Bloody gorgeous. It's a lovely, beautiful bottle. And I love the idea of it, you know. Have you not breathed in it? Or you not tasting your own breath? It might be that. Your breath blowing back in your face. Yeah, you're swallowing your breath.

I brushed my teeth this morning, thank you very much. I actually haven't brushed mine. Isn't that exciting? Isn't that great? Why do you keep doing this? We just had an interview for the times might I add. On Zoom. We didn't even realise until now. Oh I know. Yeah well because I had to go and let people in to let the builders in this morning. You've been out the house? I've got mouthwash in my car which I used twice. It's not the same as brushing your teeth. Well no one's noticed so there we go but yes I should nip off and brush my teeth it is horrible. It's crazy how much you just lack in your own mouth hygiene but you're so hygienic about everything else like aintly so. Honestly sometimes two minutes brushing your teeth it's fucking it's graft man. It's a long time. It's so long. It feels so long. It's so bald.

Do you know how long it is for a three-year-old? Yeah. I seen it, it kicks off when I put my alarm on, you know. I put a timer on and he's like, no, not the timer! They've got less teeth and they're a little less. You don't have to do two minutes for a three-year-old for Christ's sake. Well, I think you should. No. Anyway, listen, it's episode 281. Thank you. As I say, I hope you're having a lovely little summer wherever you are.

Or whenever you happen to be listening to this, you might you might be catching up. You might be listening to this in the bloody winter. God knows. But please like and rate and subscribe and all that stuff on your little podcast shops. I really do appreciate it. And without further ado, it's time for this week's Leah-hoo-hoo Critters Leah-he-cretive sponsor. This week's sponsor is trap door snot Trap door snot I have no idea not what that was not you've had you ever had you ever had you ever had

You had a trap door stop so trap door Snot so it's a hard flake of snort that covers your entire nostril. Right? You breathe in, it goes up. You breathe out, it goes down. Breathe in, breathe out. Feel it opening and shutting. I quite like that. It goes clip, clop, clip, clop. I like having one of them. Yeah, trapped door snort. Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop. Up and down, up and down. Then go over the sink and blast it out, and it just goes, well, ah, yeah, and it just sticks the bottom of the sink, like a cornflake or something, like a green cornflake,

it's, ah, and you go, that's right. Trapdoor snot. That's disgusting. Yep, aren't humans revolting. What is wrong with you? Just sometimes now and then. Why do we get snot, by the way? Is it to get rid of dust?

Is snot snot all the stuff that gets collected in your nose? I don't know. Or is it mucus to line the insides of your nostrils to stop things? I've got no idea. There will be a reason for it, like eyebrows and that. There is a reason why we have certain things. Eyebrows, what have we got eyebrows? To stop sweat getting in your eyes.

I thought it was to stop the sun. How's eyebrows stop the sun? Don't know, if it's right above you. Is that what it is? Eyebrows don't want like a cap. Something I have. I've seen some fucking eyebrows in my time. I thought it was to stop sweat.

Really? What's eyelashes for? Maybe that's eyelashes. I think eyelashes to stop things going. Listen. Let's have a babbidoo bar. Let's have the god damn jingle. And let's come back with some good old fashioned motherfucking knowledge. Let me write it down, hang on. I'm not gonna figure, I'm gonna Google it now.

I'm literally gonna press stop and Google it now. You do not know my knowledge. Yeah, no, your brain, your pinball brain attention span. Right, cool. Eyebrows, eyelashes. Here's the jingle. I like writing stuff down. Get ready for some knowledge, people.

Yeah. They're waiting with bated breath. I'm gonna type it in. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba, jingle.

Hello and welcome back to Facts, Facts, Facts. Welcome back to University Challenge. Shagrind annoyed edition. Okay do you want to go first or me? I've got snot so you've got eyebrows. Brilliant. And we've also googled about them. Brilliant.

Right okay listen. The reason why we have eyebrows was originally to keep rain and sweat out of our eyes. Wow. Ching ching. So I was right. You did right. And then further down it says eyebrows may also deflect debris and shield our eyes from the sun. Oh, these shoots he scores in the final seconds of the game.

Both right. Slam dunk. So snot is produced by glands in your nose and throat. It helps to hydrate your sinuses and trap dust and pathogens, love that word, preventing them from entering your body. Snot or nasal mucus is a helpful bodily product. The colour of your snot can even be useful for diagnosing certain illnesses. Wow. Send off your snot.

Well, well, don't, okay. But well, well, well, I don't think I've learned so much in such a short space for years. I have a feeling that we've done this before. Maybe, do you reckon? I have a feeling that we've talked about eyebrows before. We're them people who learn a fact and then forget the fact immediately. Absolutely that's us.

Yeah. When I see someone smashing a pub quiz I go, how the fuck do you remember all that? Because it's just got different brains. How do you fucking remember that? Different brains, babes. What you been up to? Eh?

Babe, what you been up to apart from being away? You all good? Yeah, I'm fine, are you? Yeah, I'm alright. I'll tell you what, I hit a new low this morning. Oh, come on then. And I've been waiting to tell you about this all day. Oh really? Yeah yeah yeah. So it was one of those moments where we just did an interview for the Times and we said sometimes stuff happens and we just wait. Right. Oh God am I going to be

annoyed? Hopefully you'll find it funny. I found it funny afterwards. So felt a bit rough today. Felt a little bit rough. Bit tired, body's aching a little bit, just off. What happened to BJJ? No, I tell you, well, so what I mean, so dear listener, my birthday was on Saturday, and my main birthday present was to be allowed to go to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu on the weekend sessions that I'm never normally allowed to go to

because we've got the kids. So I got to go 11 till half 12 Saturday and Sunday Gi and Nogi. Fantastic, had a lovely time. Happy birthday. Thank you it was lovely I really enjoyed it they all couldn't believe that that was my birthday present though I like what the fuck is your life mate? I was like yep. Oh no I'm sorry like it's a weekend I've got two kids I understand. I'd be gutted a few fucking for a whole night. Exactly. Don't make it sound like I'm an absolute tyrant. I understand. But when I can, I will. And that's why I asked her, there's a little treat and I went. Now, maybe I'm a little bit of your fat. Maybe it was, you know, the days of drinking and then the heavy exercise because it's a lot, Jujitsu. We're now in a half of it. It's a lot, right?

But anyway, this morning, tired, might have had a slight bit of diarrhoea. Kids were being a fucking nightmare, knew I had work to do and it's one of the things where like when you've got like this kind of job and when you've also got kids, mainly when you've got kids, you can't be ill when you've got kids, you just can't be ill. It's like I'm ill, it's like they're like I don't give a fuck. I was lying there, I was like I'm not well, they were diving all over us. I've perked up now but I felt like shit. A lot of the times in life, the grass is always greener. A lot of the times, you know,

oh, he's got a nicer car, you know, or whatever. She's got a nicer dress, they're on holiday, I'm not. The main one I get is if I'm driving with the kids in the back of the car and I've got the kids for the day and I drive past a pub and people outside the pub all sitting on the tables getting pissed and I'm like, oh, you're all on the fucking lash and I've got me kids with this kind of thing, right?

I got jealous of an old man yesterday on a walk. I can beat you. I can beat you this morning. Come on, alright. So I look at people, I look at them, I drive past them. This is how I'm leading up to. So I look at all the lads outside the pub and I drive past and I've got the kids and I go, f***ing dicks. Yeah, but there's days when you do that though.

Yeah, but that doesn't matter because on them days I'm there and I'm experiencing that. I'm not getting it, you know, it's like, f***ing dicks. I'll see somebody, you know, you see someone in an amazing f***ing car looking at you like, f***ing dick. fucking car, looking at you like a fucking dick. This morning, I looked at and called a dick a dog. Why? Why? Because I just looked at this dog, right?

This person was walking along, this Labrador, gorgeous looking Labrador. I love a Labrador. And it looked buzzing. You know when they've got their mouths open and they're talking, and there's a certain angle, they're smiling. And it was just buzzing when he's walking, he's walking along. And I looked at him, he might be in a shower, I'm not sure, I don't know what,

I didn't even see, catch what kind of, if it was a boy or a girl dog, but I looked and I was like, you fucking lucky twat. Living the high life. I was like, you are going for a walk, you're gonna go and have a shit, someone else is gonna pick it up, you're gonna go home,

probably fuck a pillow this afternoon if you are a boy dog, just fucking hump your pillow for a bit, get some some food lie on your arse look out the window you don't know what's going on in the news yeah fucking kids aren't doing your tits in it's not the middle of the summer holidays you're not worried about anything you're not worried about your bins not getting collected you and I honestly looked and I thought you lucky fucking wanker I thought I would love to come back as a dog.

I would absolutely die. Oh, Labrador, middle class Labrador. Fucking yes, please. Oh, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. But yeah. And I started laughing as I got further down the road and Robin was in the car with us and Robin went, what are you laughing at? And I was like, I can't explain this to you. Well, I'm actually laughing. Just looking at a dog and I was genuinely jealous of his life. Well I was jealous of an old bloke yesterday out for like what looked like a ramble and you just had a lovely, obviously been in the sunshine, caught the sun,

had a little like, had a little, listening to a podcast or something. Just look, get happy, smiling away at everyone. I thought, oh yeah, you're probably retired. You've got no, just look, get happy. And I genuinely remember, it's so funny you said that because I just looked at them and thought, aye, the good life, the good life.

Do you know what it is? I think it's because, we've got to apologize because we're just like three weeks into the summer holidays. And I say this every year, how the fuck do the government just think that people can get childcare constantly through the, like what, and how do we actually scrape by every year?

It's wild. It's intense, like, it's proper intense. It's so intense. And again, we've said it before, we're in the trenches, we're a three-year-old and a five-year-old, a three-year-old and an eight-year-old, I always say five, three-year-old and an eight-year-old, five-year gap,

and it's just fucking intense. But you know, we need to check our privilege because I reckon that, three-year-old and eight-year-old, five-year gap, and it's just fucking intense. But you know, we need to check our privilege because I reckon that, honestly, cards on the table, if I'm being genuinely honest, I think I might have a better life than that at Labrador. Just a bit. I mean, I think you definitely had. And the kids are loving being off school.

Got thumbs, Labrador doesn't, I'm already winning. Yeah. Yeah. What have I got thumbs for? It's a good question. Your room. Thumbs were like the massive major part in our evolution. winning. Yeah. Yeah. So thumbs for it's a good question. Thumbs were like the massive major part in our evolution. They took where thumbs and binocular vision took where top of the food chain. What's binocular vision? Eyes on the front of your head. Like what I've got on the side of your head.

OK. Yeah. But thumbs do stuff, move stuff, tools. Yeah. Picking stuff, pulling stuff, grabbing stuff. I know that you've got to have your little toe to be able to walk proper. I think that's bullshit, but carry on. Okay, great. Oh, I'm stressed, Chris, I'm stressed. What's telling you you're stressed? No, no, no, no, no.

I've only got 10% battery. Oh, right, so I thought it was telling you you were stressed. I keep forgetting to charge it. It might tell us I'm stressed. This fucking Apple Watch, sick of it. I've never told you this, but I remember once I, uh, I was in the junior school and I went to open a door to get back in and it was like a big sort of metal door and I had Nike A-Max's on. Oh yeah. Uh, and the first time they were

fucking popular and the, you know, they're like canvas on the top aren't they? And I opened the door into me little toe and it like cut the toe and everything. Now obviously I went to hospital because I was ridiculous. Geez Louise. And I couldn't walk on it and I was like oh and the nurse was trying to put a tubie grip on my little toe which they couldn't but I think I was trying to do it to shut us up and then the nurse was like you know your little toe is not nothing to do with your balance or anything at all and then I went right and then I hobbled all the way home

and I was hobbling around the house and then me mom said and I'll never forget the words, oh it's such a shame we had tickets for you to go to Wet n Wild at the weekend and you probably can't go now, it's fine after that, 100% fine. It immediately cleared up, I was walking, cartwheeling, running, up and down the stairs, stamping on it, kicking stuff. It's amazing how much like you just recovered from stuff when you were younger when there was always something to do. Yeah. Well, that's the thing I remember if there was something really good happening on a Saturday,

even if I was poorly on the Friday, I'd go to school. Yeah. Because if you'd stayed off school on the Friday, your mom would be like, well, you can't go to that. Yeah. I'd be like, oh my God, but I'll be fine for that. I'm just poorly for school. I need the day of rest for that, mother.

I need to recharge the social battery. I think that's why we always got sent to school ill though, because there was no childcare. Yeah. Well, we've been over it loads of times. My poor mam had to pretend she was going to work every Friday because I just used to pretend I was ill. So I didn't have to call.

Well, yeah, but is that because, why didn't you just say, I'm off, you're going to school? She did, but then I used to pretend at school that I was ill and they used to send us home. Cause I was such a good actor. Such a twat, you were such a twat. Why don't I hear more twat stories of when you were younger? Don't know, I think my mom's weirdly sort of denied them all

in our brain. Yeah, she thinks I was brilliant when honestly, I remember being a great prick. I know, yeah, absolutely, You are. You still are now. Well, well, this is a turn. This is a turn to call it. I didn't want it to. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? And I've just brushed my teeth. Oh, well done. Do you know what it is? Just to let you all know,

it's 10 to three in the afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, because it's too late to brush. Yeah, yeah, sorry. I don't know, weirdly, I was like, oh, am I going to be upsetting everyone? Are they going to be able to concentrate on the podcast,

on the things I'm saying? Or are they just going to be thinking, I bet he fucking stinks? Do you remember in lockdown? No, I can't remember that. No, what was that? I hardly ever brushed my teeth. And actually, it didn't do my teeth very well.

Yeah, no, well you had an abscess removed the first day of the tour. So yes, brush your teeth kids, two minutes. Not too hard or your gums will go back like mine are. So there it is. Great, should we get on with this? Yes. You first or me?

I'll go first. Listen, I'll go first. Really? I will go first because this has just happened about two hours ago before we started recording this podcast, Chris was hoovering frantically. And I thought, what's, I mean, he does, he hoovers frantically quite often.

It wasn't- It is my default setting. It wasn't like a wild thing that was happening. Hoovering frantically is probably one of my three main states. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this, what, I was in a different room and I was thinking, what is going on? So I said to you- I was squirreling away, wasn't I? I was going back and forward. Yeah, I think yeah. But this was in a different room and I was thinking, what is going on? So I said to you-

I was squirreling away, wasn't I? I was going back and forward. Yeah, I think I was explaining that, but you feel free to explain it as well. I got some pliers. Well done. And then I got a light bulb. Then I got the Hoover.

Then I got a different attachment for the Hoover. And that's the bit that made us really sit up and pay attention, the different attachment. So I thought, what's going on here? Yeah. And I said to Chris, I said, what are you doing? And he went, oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. Don't worry, don't worry.

So it's not. To which? You're on a need to know basis and you didn't need to know. No, I need to know then. Yeah. Then I need to know. Do you want to tell everyone what happened? Just a simple case, just a very, very simple case

of swinging a golf club and smashing a light. Literally, it's as cut and dry as that. It's as cut and dry as that. As if. What the fuck? I don't know. So right, so in that in that front room, it's very much storage at the minute. My golf clubs are there. There's a desk in that room. It's not storage, it's a very nice room. It's very nicely done out but there's a lot of shit in it, right? There's boxes of... You've done a thing, you've done an advert for Walker, so there's boxes many crisps fucking boxes I swear to God I can't stop eating them crisps like I just can't stop why did they send so many I mean great I mean great that they send them. No I don't I want to keep them. Great well stop fucking with them. I can't. Unbelievable see what I live with so I'm I've basically I got the golf

club right just as I was killing a bit of time. And I was just, you know, every two minutes there's a new Instagram video going, this is how you fix your slice and all of them are different. So sometimes I try a couple of them out and I was moving the club back and as I move it back to swing, I was like, is that going to hit that Quavers box? I was like, I don't think it's going to hit the Quavers box. So I was slowly moving it past, dead tentatively, past this cardboard Quavers box. I went, that's not gonna hit the box.

So I swung it all the way back over my head and fucking smashed the light. Was it the 103? I haven't actually seen it in the crane. Yeah, yeah, it's 103 in the ceiling. Was the shade all right? Shade was fine, shade popped off. I just basically hit the bulb.

Really lucky, took the bulb out, but the glass of the bulb had smashed off and I lifted it off like a little hat. And the filament inside, I couldn't grab that to take the bulb out because it was a bayonet so you had to push down and lift. Oh my god. So I had to get a pair of pliers to do that with. So where's the rest of the glass gone? Hoover it up, put it in the bin, put it in the recycling bin. I hope you have because if anyone slices their foot open in there we'll know who to blame. Yeah no. You. Yeah so all good but you know kids

Quivers find to hit the Quivers don't hit the glass. How about you just don't swing golf clubs in the house? How about you don't tell me how to live my life? Do you know what's hilarious or if that had been me doing something like that? Yeah, you'd have literally had my life No, listen, you know if I've if I had done something like that, you'd be like Yeah, well which leaves me to my beef because he can't swing a golf ball for shit. Now listen. If I'd have done something like that, you'd be like, what the hell are you doing, man? Yeah. Which leads me to my beef. Great, come on then. So we were away with the kids and you were getting some crisps of a bag.

You opened a bag of crisps, you were sitting in the front of the car. Ah, don't eat crisps. There I sit. Ha ha ha. Don't you spread false narratives about me. I'm totally lying, that's absolutely not that. So can I just take, I'm so sorry you're interupted. The amount of people, because I've just done that advert with the walkers, the amount of

people who are like, I'm so proud of you. Oh, that's great. Literally, Smarts were like, I can't believe that this is happening. And I was like, I know, my god, it's been a long time coming. And my favourite brand of crisps as well. Not just any willy nilly brand of crisps. The godfather of crisps. Although we are open to financial deals with all kinds of crisps. Don't be scared. Just get in touch. But they may, you know. For a, for a, for a, for a reasonable fee, for the right fee, she will claim they are her least favourite crisps in the world. Nearly called you crisps by the way. I love

a crisp. Right, come on then. You're fucking ill. So, no, so dare I say it, you've got a nice car. They have said it. Oh, thanks. It's a nice car, right? Yeah, I know. It's a very nice car. You're sitting in the passenger seat, you open the pack of crisps for Rafe. Was it you open the pack of crisps? Either way, you've got some crisps for Wraith and was it you own pack it either way you've got some crap fuck it shut up man it's not important you picked the crisps out right you picked the crisps out of the packet and then you were doing something else with your hand and you just used the center console of your car as a fucking crisp plate like I could have been sick why cuz it's so it's like

there's a thing on it there's like a knob that goes up and down it would depend on if you want that on and there's like and there's like there's like it's quite polished dare I say like a polished vinyl and it's it's it's like got buttons and screens and stuff on it and you just drop the fucking handful of crisps on it and I just went oh and I wore it on the you just drop the fucking handful of crisps on it. And I just went, oh, and I wore it on the car. As I got the back of the car, and again, the driver seat, I had to have a little breather, because I was like, I'm getting in there,

and there's just crisps everywhere. I'm getting into a big fucking crisp plate. You are just not living your life properly. You can put things anywhere that you like, Chris. You can put them anywhere. There's no rules. You know when you were growing up, right? You know, there's crumbs in the gaps. I saw gaps. You're in charge. You blow them out.

I blew them and then come out and I'm gonna have to get them out with a little part. Do you know what all comes down to? Not your fucking car mate. Not your car. I would hoover it up but hoover's got a lot of glass in it. Great. Great. I can't believe that's it. Because I put a couple of crisps. Just the way you did it. Handful of crisps out of the bag. Where do I put these? Oh, just in the middle of me fucking car. Just there, like, it's one up from

just putting them on, you know, your laptop. Just on top of the keys. Just put a load of crisps on top of the keys. I mean, there's definitely been crisps. You would, yeah. Or food on there, so. You would definitely do that, wouldn't you? If it's happened before.

Awful, absolutely awful. You don't look after stuff. I do. Awful. I do look after stuff. Name one thing you look after. Erm. Name one thing you've got that isn't broken or tarnished in any way. Oh. Name one thing you've got that doesn't have any kind of mark or nick or scratch or dint in it. Or crack. Kids don't count. Although both the front teeth are gone. And it was on your watch both times. Oh god.

God you can't look after it. Oh my god we've got the bottom of it. You can't look after a single thing. Oh my god there's nothing that I haven't won. I hope our watch knows it's on fucking borrowed time. Yeah. There's nothing out. Go on name something that hasn't got a mark or a blemish on it. Oh shit. Fuck. Half that laptop doesn't work.

Yeah. Half the books. No, what's the saying? Right's not right. Right's not right. That's the only way it'll charge. You've only plugged it on the right-hand side. Right's not right.

Shit, what about own that? It's not, everything, everything's broke. Yeah. Even down to like, me lipsticks break. Yeah. Oh, everything's broke. Yeah, you're a clip, you're a disgrace. You don't look after stuff.

I would never, you are the kid where my mom would have went, don't lend it to her. Whatever it is she wants to lend, don't lend her it. Cause she's a disaster. Oh. So there you go. Oh, were you that kid? I never learned stuff like that. Oh God.

I never learned stuff like that. How are we even together? Like I would have hated you. If you'd have been like a girl and we were friends. Yeah. Cause I'm not being friends with a boy. Don't be disgusting. Ugh, goodies. But if you like that, you were that kid, weren't friends with a boy, don't be disgusting. Err, goodies.

But if you like, you were that kid weren't you? No you can't use that, that's fine. Yeah, can I lend you a rubber Chris? No, you'll rub bits off me rubber, no? Eh? Oh I hate it, oh I remember I went to T. Oh you're such a twat. I went to T and J Allen down Shields,

rest in peace T and J Allen, great little department store in South Shields. Oh by the way Neil Buchanan isn't dead. I know he wasn't. Oh I said rest in peace last week for him. What I didn't hear that. It was a rumor that was going around we've talked about before and I just clearly didn't pay any attention it was a rumor that was going around years ago very much alive. Right. Live and kicking that was a good show. He wasn't on that. God, he wasn't on that. He was on an heart attack. God almighty, what's wrong with you? I remember I bought a rubber from T&J Allen.

Yeah. And it looked, it was the best rubber I've ever had. Best rubber ever. Looked like a little bar of soap, and it had Mickey Mouse printed on the front. Cute. And it was so good because it didn't have a corner, like other rubbers had corners,

that just ended up disappearing anyway. So what shape was it? Like a little round bar of soap. Like a squished egg. Okay, okay, right. Like a squished egg in a shell. Fuck, everyone wanted a bit of that. Honestly, I think it was in year six. You're full of iPads, guys.

I think it was in year six. Everyone. You had a Mickey Mouse rubber in year six. Bloody good rubber. I think by the end of the day, I think by the end of the day, they were just making mistakes deliberately to use me rubber.

Okay. And I don't even get a start on the day I took a Tip-X mouse in. Oh, mate. That was... I think that's where all my anxiety comes from, the day I took a Tip-X mouse into school. Ran out with someone else's table, I was fuming. Oh, fuck. Because you weren't allowed Tip-X liquid. Why?

Because you could spill it everywhere, you weren't allowed the liquid and it stunk and that, and you could get high off the fumes. And then I got a Tip-X mouse, my dad got one from the office at work. Mm-hmm. They were good though, weren't know the liquid and it stunk and that you can get high off the fumes and then I got a tip x mouse my dad got one from the office at work. They were good though weren't they? I might have been that might have been the day I was actually popular for once when I had a tip x mouse. A tip x is tip x still a thing? Don't work in offices anymore? I don't know. I feel like people don't really write anything anymore do they? Everyone just types everything. Why would you need tip x? Oh my god dead business Google Google quick what are you doing to me is tip X oh no mouse yeah yeah yeah there we go

Viking Direct and what that is oh eBay tip X on eBay is it a thing or Amazon does tip X still exist the company still exists under the name of TipX, G, M, B, H and Co. Oh God, yeah we got a TipX mouse. God, three pack, three pack, a three pack of TipX Mini Poker Mouse, £3.21. I don't believe it. Hey, the savings getting more expensive. I tell you what, it was about three quid for one TipX mouse back in my day. Oh, why is TipX banned in schools? Students use it to write or draw on the furniture. There it is. TipX, TipX, Pockets Mouse, pack of 10, 35 quid. Oh, hold on, that's 3.50 each, that's dog shit. Don't be getting that one. I feel like we've gone off topic. What the

hell is this? What are you on? Oh, I don't know what this is. I was talking I was looking at tipx right right And there's a question I've come onto this website called Quora Quora yeah, yeah, have you heard of Quora? I've heard of Quora. What is it? I think it's put random questions on. Okay, because one of the questions is how can I effectively edit my own writing? And then the one on top of it is how do I know if my ex still likes me even though he never talks to me? This is wild. what is this? Now I need to know.

What do they do, edit their own writing? Yeah, somebody said, so you think you've drafted a tweet, an email, a short story, or even a novel? These are different forms of communication. I'm already bored. I'm already bored. Yeah, you're not gonna finish that.

But then there's something, it must be about Tiffex. I wanna know why she, but I wanna know why this girl thinks that ex doesn't like her. Can I find out? Because she doesn't speak to her anymore. It's obvious, she must be about Tiff X. I wanna know why she, but I wanna know why this girl thinks that X doesn't like her. Can I find out? Because she doesn't fucking speak, because she doesn't speak to her anymore. She's answered it in the question.

She's answered it in the question. How do I know if he likes me? Oh, it's like an answer. People are given answers. Right, come on then. How can I tell if an X is not over you to say stuff about like he's blocked you, doesn't respond to your texts, Floans his new squeeze friend.

Oh wow, do people need answers like that? You're pretty stupid if you need to ask him that, I'm sorry. Geez Louise. He's blocked me, he hasn't spoke to me, does he still like me? How do you know if your ex has stopped loving you? Oh my God.

40.8 million answers. How do you know, sorry, sorry. How do you know if your ex has stopped loving you? Why do you want your ex to keep loving you? I don't know Chris, this is... What kind of needy... I hate that you know. What?

Just that like, oh god, like, oh I've broke up with you but you still need to like us or I'm sad. What no? If he's broke up it's over, fucking move on, no? I can't listen to you because I'm too busy reading all of this. I'm wasting my time here. Absolutely wasting my time. Might buy a couple of Tipex mice while I'm here. A-plus year. Come check out our special back-to-school offers. They'll leave you with more cash in your pocket for the stuff you love. Select plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over. Don't wait, our back-to-school offers are only available for a limited time.

Go to Fido.ca or a Fido store near you and save all semester long. Fido, at your side. Hi, it's Fido. Start the semester with a new phone and a plan full of data without breaking your budget. We have everything you need for an A-plus year. Come check out our special back-to-school offers. They'll leave you with more cash in your pocket for the stuff you love. Select plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over. Don't wait. Our back-to- school offers are only available for a limited time. Go to Fido.ca or a Fido store near you and save all semester long.

Fido, at your side. This Friday. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder

to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, Friday. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public, public, public, public. Questions from the public, public, public. Bababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababab Thank you. Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. That absolutely. Or Quora's from the public.

Do you know? No, it's probably copyrighted. No questions from the public. If you'd like to get in touch with Chagmoud and Oedat gmail.com and little heads up if your question is Chris Rosie, does my ex still like me even though he's blocked me on everything? He doesn't like you. He doesn't like you. He doesn't like you anymore.

Move on. Your exes or your exes? Move on. Stop worrying. Why anyone? Sorry, why anyone out there who's worrying about anything their exes say or do is beyond me? What? Just move on. No!

You don't have many exes. I just think... No, no, no. Come on then. What? Why is everyone, why are you worrying about your ex? I've been in positions where I've like... He's got a girlfriend.

Yeah, you're his ex. Oh, stop it. What? Is that a man answer? It's not a man answer. I think you'll find most of my answers are not man answers. No, I just think there are songs about it and stuff and it just annoys me. Yeah, because there's been deep, deep feelings involved. It has been, past tense. I think it's because Robyn's listening to some kind of version of that song, which is the, you didn't have to cut me. Have your friends collect your records and then have your friends collect your records and then change your number.

To me, that's a clean fucking break. That's a good day's work. Have your friends collect your records, change your number, say you have to. That's what's done is done. That is bullshit. We have a break up. You'll be devastated. We've got kids. No, we've got kids. And my kids. Wow.

Not your kids. I don't know, I'll tell you what. If they're not your kids, that was a hell of a magic trick they did in that hospital. Yeah, true. I don't think you can just write it off like that at all. I suppose I'm thinking about younger relationships, I think. You've only had like, literally, I think I'm your third relationship.

Fourth. He's waving his palm at us, which is disgusting. Me first love. Listen, here's something here, right? Has no hellos, no nothing. It just opens up with, I once saw a man eat a roast dinner with a spoon. Okay, let's get through this right now.

That's hard. That's the hardest meal to eat with a spoon. What was the meat? It doesn't say sadly. Long version. Thank you for half of an email. At work, he brought in leftover roast dinner that his mom had made him on a plate cling-filmed, which is bad enough. Prison. Immediate sack him. What?

Where's he hitting that up? In the microwave? In the office microwave. Oh I'm sorry, no I won't have this. People like you need to get in the bin. If that microwave is made for food, I'm a smelly food person. I can't get in the bin because it's full of everyone's fucking leftovers that they brought in the office.

I don't care. I don't mind when people bring it in the office. Sometimes when people are like, what the broad end stinks, I'm like, oh I'm excited for my dinner when I smell other people's. Because I've got something fucking stinking as well. Nah, horrible. I think as well, so me and Carl, when we're on tour, and I think we did this as well,

you walk past in the venues, in a lot of the venues, obviously the staff at work there, it's odd out there, so they'll bring their tea and stuff in and you walk past the staff room and they'll be warming stuff up. And me and Carl used to always call it the bait room stuff in and you walk past the staff room and they'll be warming stuff up. And me and Carly Stowell was called it the bait room. Yeah. We're like walking past the bait room where everyone's just got their bait. What's wrong with that? Just stinks. Just fucking stinks. Five or six different kinds of microwave meal and leftover all just circulating

in one windowless room with a bin with some of it in the bin and some of it in the sink and so oh not. Some of it on the table and burps and farts and microwaves and bits of I don't mind it me I quite like it I quite like it and I get a bit like what you got what have I got I mean I kind of miss having like a an office kitchen are you is this where you're gonna stop you're gonna make us have an office and we're gonna have to implement it I think we should make a little kitchen in here and you go oh Chris what have you go, oh Chris what have you brought? And I go, what have you brought?

Oh the fucking same because you cooked it last night. Leftover, we don't have any leftovers, don't be silly. You got leftovers for you fucking quitters. Anyway, he brought it in, didn't have a knife and fork and just a spoon so he sat there and ate it with a spoon. Awful. Wow, so yes, awful. Awful for bringing it in. I don't awful. Awful for bringing it in.

I don't think that's awful for bringing it in. I'm fully on board with that. So, right, okay, so let's dissect this. What's the meat? Let's go after three. Beef. Right, well that's difficult. That's gonna say after three, let's just say the beef.

Pork, difficult. Chicken, probably okay, depends how tough it is. Chicken's the easiest one. Beef, nightmare. Let's say roast dinner. In the UK, chicken's probably the most honestly for me Have you ever tried to cut up a Yorkshire pudding? I was just about to say that's the bad lad that was so you're gonna have to pick that up. Everything else is fine

It's gonna have to pick that up in his hand and carrots probably fine nice and soft. Yeah, cheese lovely and soft gravy Lush mashed potato all roasty's fine with a spoon The nightmare your nightmare comes with your Yorkshire pudding and your meat. God I love it, don't I mate? I'm sure I know a comedian who ate a pasta salad on a train with a comb. Oh fuck off. That's ringing a bell. Wasn't me, I'm sure it's someone and people get very upset when I stir me coffee with me sunglasses on really upset you need to stop doing it because I'm sorry so my arm and then you go and you suck the arm which has been behind your ear all day I've got clean ears I just kept like

people look at it like I'm some sort of psychopath when I would they say do you want to tell your coffee and instead of like saying milk or sugar I say could I have a black coffee please not too much and can I have a spoon and they look and they're like what yeah and because I have me own sweetness in my bag but they never bring the fucking spoon yeah and then I don't want to go can I have a spoon so I just go thank you and then I stir it with my sunglasses on and everyone's happier but the problem comes when you're just trying to do everyone's with your sunglasses. That's the problem I've never tried it. I'll stir it for you. Yeah, you will. Oh actually I have But we did that in a meeting a quite an important meeting a few months ago and I think everyone thought. Silence the room. She silenced the room Why is she here? Why I think well it was because it was a meeting kind of a blake about our career And I actually think collectively everyone thought why am I here for her? Why do I work for this? And I thought, yeah, you're great.

It's horrible. But I just didn't want to ask the person for a spoon. So that's all it was. Maybe I'm too conscientious, I don't know. And then when when you took the edge of your sunglasses and ate a roast dillard with it. Oh. Oh I would you know. That was the problem. I've ate a seaweed salad with a child's coat hanger. Sorry? Yeah. A child's coat hanger? Yeah I was at the beach a few, it was actually only last year. Did you mention it on here? Well I feel like I should know that. I took a picture of it.

Alright there we go. I've ate, listen when you've been in a touring cabaret band up and down the country you'll eat whatever you're given with whatever you've got. God, nothing about that appeals to me. Like nothing in that entire... Do you want to do a little bit of... Do you want to ask us what I would eat with what? Right, okay. Are you ready? Come on. Okay. All right. We'll see what level I get to.

Okay, okay. Soup with a fork? Soup with a fork? I'd give it a good go. Yeah, or we just drink it out of the bowl. Yeah. Okay. Curry with a child's crock. Have they used the crock? You've just listened. Or is it brand new?

You've been given it, you've been given it. No, I wouldn't. Okay. That's like touch the floor with like shit on. These are all just off the top of my head. Chili con carne with the end of a belt. Tricky. But yeah, which end leather or strut or buckle? Whatever you want.

Whatever you want. The leather end. Yeah, I would. That would be that work. It's hard enough. Yeah, I would make that work. It's a spoon. Okay, that's a fucking spoon. Yeah. I love make that work. It's hard enough. I would make that work. It's a spoon. OK. That's a fucking spoon.

I love chilli con carne, by the way. Er. Chow mein noodles. Oh, yes. With a screwdriver. Oh, I think that's impossible. No, it wouldn't work. All right. Would not work. But yes.

You just bring the bowl up to you and just kind of shovel it in. Yeah, I would make that work. Just again, just off the top of my head here. This is a good game. Some kind of rice dish. Love it, love rice. With a swimmer's nose peg. Yeah.

Take a long time, but I would do it. Just because it's like a little horseshoe shape you could get some like a little chopstick like the little kids chopsticks you get in Wagamama's oh really okay you went there you went I used to have one of them you know them nose pegs yeah that's what did you have the one that just went over the top and arch and really hurt your nose I was like I can't believe I think the first one you said yeah really hurt horrible like horrible actually yeah I was like why?

I didn't like it at all. Didn't like it at all. Last one. All good okay. Last one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you eat a fish stew? I love a fish stew.

You do love a fish stew. A fish stew. Yes. Out of a train conductor's shoe. No, I would not. Well, so you gave it the big one. You've been in a two and cabrio. I asked. You've turned most of these things down.

Yeah, because I was check. It was with things, not your out of stuff. Privilege. I wouldn't need anything out of any one shoe. Train conductors as well. It's a warm train. He's been walking them down all day. Disgusting.

Not his fault. Don't blame him. You're the one putting fucking fish in it. I get really upset when people have got like the wrong shoes on. Yeah. Really upset. Describe, what do you mean the wrong shoes? Because I, well I've got really sensitive feet, I always have. I can't just, you know when people are like, oh I'll go for a three mile walk in, in me fucking...

Football boots. Or me flip flops and I'm like, how... Oh my God! How is your foot not dying? I saw someone, I saw a bloke walking on the street the other day in flip-flops and you could see he sort of, his foot was hanging over the back of them and the bit of foot that was hanging over the back was black with dirt from the pavement. That's so upsetting to me.

I'm not joking, he looked like he'd been doing miles in just flip-flops. If I go out past my garden gate in flip-flops, I feel naked. It's so upsetting. I go out to get the bins in flip-flops sometime and I'm like, what if I need to run? What if I somehow, what if I need to run here? I can't. Yeah. That's always upset me. I've never been one of them people. Although actually, I suppose when I was younger, I used to go out and crap your shoes, but like, I was walking behind a woman the other week and she had like wedges on, her foot was kind of spilling over the side and it just looked so uncomfortable and

she was walking and she looked happy enough but I was like, I wouldn't be able to concentrate on a conversation if my foot was like. What were the wedges? Like wedges, like a little bit of a heel. Did they have a back on them? No. Okay, would you eat a tiramisu with her wedge? I don't like tiramisu with her?

I don't like tiramisu. Oh, do I? Would you? I thought I've always thought I don't like tiramisu. Because now we like coffee. And I had ice cream at Coleman's Fish Shop the other day. And I did. I put a decaf espresso on top of it because someone told us to. Yeah, and you loved it.

It's called an arigato. Arigato. Afraido. Try again. What's it called? too and yeah and you loved it it's called funny, he genuinely did that the other day. Well, he invented tiramisu though. Yeah, but he died the other day, but he invented tiramisu, but there's no joke coming here, but I keep having to say it over and over again, because it sounds like, it sounds like something my dad would say.

You go around and he'd go, did you hear the guy who invented such and such died? Yeah, yeah. Tiramisu not here anymore. No, that's not. You are, it's so insensitive. Cancel, cancel this woman! Sorry.

What's in tiramisu? No, no. Mascarpone cheese, I'm out. I'm all over that. I'm gonna get a tiramisu. I've never had one since being a coffee drinker. I'll try it, like. I accidentally saw, when I worked at the Stadium of Light,

there was a big rack of them, and the manager was like, there's some of them left if anyone wants to have one. It at the Stadium of Light, there was a big rack of them, and the manager was like, there's some of them left if anyone wants to have one, it's the end of the night. So I think it was cheesecake, I turned my sue, and everyone took the cheesecake, there was no cheesecake left, I was just turning my sue, and it's like, look, they're gonna go to waste.

And everyone was digging at them, and I was like, oh great, so I didn't know what it was, it looked like, it's one of them things where it looks like caramel, chocolate, or fudge, and I went, oh great, I took a mouthful and I was very upset. Yeah it's got like, I love lady fingers. Very upset. Lady fingers up here.

Goodness me. Somebody said up here. It was implied. It was heavily implied. It was heavily implied. It was implied in the name. It was implied in the name. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba.

Dead quick. Yeah. That's how it starts. Just listening to episode 280 when you're talking about someone saying caravan instead of caravan, instead of saying, that's what she said, my friend's dad says, that's what she said. Oh, that's horrible.

Oh, why is that so horrible? It's awful, innit? Oh, I don't like that at all. That's what she said. Oh. Oh, I'd have to say something. Would you have to correct them? I feel like I would. Can we put a lamp on in here for the love of Christ. Sorry. I can't bear the dark. I can't bear the dark. I pulled the blind out because the sun's out. That's a good blind that is. That's what she said. That's what she said. By the way, love that's what she said. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's just brilliant. It's just brilliant. If you don't know what

it is, it's on the American office and why am you watching it yet? Before that it was on all kinds of things. Was it? Yeah, it was just a thing. I feel like I thought he invented it. No, well I think he likes it. I think the whole point is that the character likes to make you think that he invented it. Oh, I thought that's what it was from. Wow. Speak to me not correcting you as much now. Oh, what have I done? Not trying to not correct something. Oh God, what?

So on that interview we just had with the Times. Oh, what did I say? You said we did something at the ninth hour. What is it? The eleventh hour. Oh. Oh. And when we're at the ninth hour, I changed it.

And I was like, man. I said it right? Yeah, you said it right, yeah. Doesn't sound as sort of last minute if it's at the like, I said it right. I said it doesn't sound as sort of last minute. If it's at the ninth, two hours to spare. I fucking hate myself. We're being interviewed by a female journalist by the Times. So I wasn't about a man's playing an X play, but I do it on here

because it's a safe space at the ninth hour. I saw I saw our eyes. Ever say the ninth hour for anything? Oh, unless unless unless you unless it is the, you know, 1500s at the ninth hour. I saw her eyes. Do you ever say the ninth hour for anything? Nope. Unless it is the 1500s and you're telling someone it's nine o'clock. Fuck's sake. Yeah.

I'm mortified. Why did I say the ninth? No, the ninth hour, that is something, Chris. Go on, then Google it. The ninth hour. That's a book. Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm so annoyed. So annoyed. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep trying to do phrases and doing them wrong? Why do I do that with the time?

Now, two choices. We can either leave it, leave it and wait until it comes out. We'll leave it and wait until it comes out and see that as you know what Rosie Dead said at the ninth hour, you know what I mean? The brackets, this journalist believes she meant eleventh hour, close bracket. Or we can go even more embarrassing and get our PR guy, who does our public relations and press, we can get him to ring her and go, by the way, if you're gonna quote Rosie, you should've got that wrong, it's actually 11th hour. Both of them for me are win-win

because I'll enjoy both of them very much. So when I was there, we went to, where we live, I'll give you a bit of backstory, where we live, near the seafront, every year they put on bands in the Ben's Park. And it's absolutely class, like honestly, South Tyre City Council big up like it's brilliant and there's so those 15,000 people there yesterday it's great great event and there was bands on during the day then there was this band on towards

the end when we got there and they were playing other songs that I think they were from the 80s I had no idea what the songs were. I'd have known them all if it was the 80s I'd have known them all. You know when you don't want to be rude and you're like everybody's loving this. I'm the minority here have not known what their stuff is. So you just love it you don't just go I don't I haven't heard these. You just go along with it. Anyway they did a song and I went I know this one oh my gosh I know this one I didn't know they did this one. This is great. And my friend was like, it's Harry Styles. And I was like, oh, that's why I know it. But then this is when you know your best friend is the right best friend.

Because my other friend also turned around and went, I know this one. And then into a chance that it hurt, it's Harry Styles. She went, oh, I thought, there you go. So they're playing all their own songs and then they're just randomly just hiding a bit of Harry Styles in. oh, I thought, there you go. So they're playing all their own songs and then they're just hiding. They randomly just hide.

Hiding a bit of Harry Styles in. What one was it? Wasn't what? No, it wasn't the Watermelon Sugar High one. It was a different one. Oh, you know, it's just the same as it diddle-a-diddle-diddle. Watermelon Sugar High, yeah, I've heard it. Yeah, Watermelon Sugar High.

That's not Watermelon Sugar High, it's a completely different song. But I was like, oh, this is their banger. This is the one they're known for. I only know one Harry Styles song, right? There it is. You know that one. You know, it's just the same as it was. Love a bit of Harry Styles. Don't, I mean, don't know it off the top of my head, but it's him.

But you know, anyway. Oh, the ninth hour. Fuck me. The ninth hour. I said it confidently though. Maybe she... No, did you? I saw her eyes. I me. The ninth hour. I said it confidently though. I saw her eyes. I looked straight in her eyes. They just darted to the left and then back. Again another person who's thinking why am I here for this thick bitch? Why am I wasting my fucking time interviewing this absolute tool?

Oh God, I hate my actions sometimes. No, I think you should do. I think you should go the other way. I think rather than being embarrassed about this, I think you should go the other way. You know, like that person we read about, I think we've mentioned it on here, that person who was like a lunatic and when they had a meeting, they would go and have a shit. You're in the meeting with the door open just as a power move. I think you should go one further. Save all the wrong stuff and like make sure and then no one ever corrects you and just say it all in meetings and then get

your coffee in a much bigger mug and stir it with your tit. That wouldn't do anything though. It would have to be something else. Keep talking and put your top back on and there's a big like brown tea mark, a brown coffee mark on one of your tits and just keep talking. That's awful. God, I'm notified. And just like, yeah, I see. Sorry about that everyone, but you know, a bird in the hands worth ten in the fields, innit? And just look around waiting for everyone to just nod. That's when you know you've made it, when you can see a load of shit like that. No one, no one,

no one corrects you. You, I don't know whether you should correct us or whether it's just less embarrassing to do it later. I'm not correct. On a- Why? No, but I feel like- but I wouldn't be annoyed. I just laugh.

I can't- you've got to understand with mansplain and all that we've been putting it in a difficult place now. I kind of be like, oh darling, I think you meant 11 hour. I just had to go. She knows. I know. I'll tell Rosie later. Hopefully she'll write 11th hour if she uses that quote. Oh no one's gonna know what the fuck she's talking about.

Doesn't she say 9 o'clock weird? She does say 9 o'clock weird. Yeah she says that at the 9th hour. Very medieval. I think she's a town crier. I can't make it. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa! Hi Rosie and Chris. Currently listening to last week's episode where Chris mentioned that Rosie Grownough probably didn't use modern medicine and instead had old wives tales. Remedies like spinning in a circle three times. Stand by, a toad's under the bed and that. Do you think? Rub, oh I've got a wart, rub the chicken on the wart and bury it in the garden and while the chicken decomposes the wart will disappear. You know how far off actually?

It was a bit like that. Did you do that once? What? The rubbing the meat on the wart? No. You must have. What do you mean? My mate did it.

Rubbing meat on a wart? I thought we were taking a piss. No, no, yeah so that's the thing. So apparently if you had warts, I remember some kids at school had warts. Warts still a thing? Do kids still get warts? I don't know, no, so I had, I've got like the herpes strain.

You're welcome. Not from you. Herpatic wicklows, that's what I get. Yeah, you haven't had them for ages, touch wood. Touch wood, I'm not as stressed. Come on, stressed, you haven't had them for ages. Couple of pop-ups during the lockdown. Oh God, I was fucking huddled with them then.

Yeah, so that was the thing back in the day. Again, I hope we haven't talked about this before. I knew loads of kids were warts. I had to get them frozen off in that. Do kids still get warts? Am I? Listen, Google has been used a lot. Is this like when I said a Veruca's still a thing?

Veruca's a very much still a thing. Our Robin had about five at the same time, do you remember? Yes, it was horrible. Do kids still get warts? God love them. Warts are more common in children than adults, although they can develop at any age. There are many different types of warts with different appearances. Most warts go away without treatment, but it may take weeks or months. Warts can be treated with over-the-counter medicines. I still get warts.

Right, so a couple of warts stories coming at you. You ready? Oh, I'm just looking at pictures. I remember these. Yeah, a couple of warts stories coming at you, you ready? Oh, I'm just looking at pictures, I remember these. Yeah, a couple of warts stories coming at you. Yeah. So, a mate of mine, I remember a kid at school had so many warts, and he used to put the white stuff on them, so he just had white dots all over his hands, bless him.

Aw. Awful, poor kid. Now, I mean they weren't that bad, they were just warts. So one mate of mine said that, Rosie, I've lost you on Google, I've lost you. Oh, sorry, Hage. I've lost you. Yeah. I've lost you on Google. Oh sorry Hage. I've lost you. Yeah. I've lost you.

Sorry okay I'm just learning about warts. Close the page. I've got some serious wart anecdotes coming at you. Right okay. The final one of which I may have said before on here but I'm just worried. What? Right okay. You can tell us.

I've shut me last time. But you've got questions to read. No I know but I'm listening. If I will just keep looking. Sorry. So I remember a mate saying to me, what you do is this how you get rid of warts. You rub raw meat on the wart and then you bury it in the garden. And as the meat.

You bury your what? Your wart or your meat? The meat. And as the meat rots away, the wart disappears. And I remember thinking, but how? Like I remember the feeling, my mind being blown. I was like, but how? And he was like, yeah, it works. And I was like, but how is that a thing? That's

incredible. One lad had a wart so I'm pointing at the palm of my hand here. So if you hold your hand here. It's not true that though, is it? By the way. No, it's an old wives tale. It's bullshit. We did it, but we did it with, my mom did it with cooked chicken for some reason on my wart, so it didn't work. And you buried it? Perfectly good. No, she did not. No, your mom did not rub chicken on it and then bury it in the garden. No, she did not. I tell you. No your mom did not rub chicken. Cooked chicken. And then bury it in the garden. Buried it in the garden. No she didn't.

Yeah yeah yeah. No she didn't. 100%. 100%. And you dare to come at my family and take the piss saying we do old housewives tales. We would never rub meat on with and bury it in the fucking garden. 99% sure a cat came straight in and had that chicken away from her. Can you apologise to me by the way?

Never. And all of my family? Never apologize to them. Nah. They know what they got. Listen, look at my hand here. So if you hold your hand out here, listen, I'm in front of you, palm up. So just the sort of bit where your middle finger joins your palm of your hand. Yeah. So almost the little bottom knuckle bit, the little bump on the palm of your hand. Oh, the Plesipus? Sorry? It's called the Plesipus. Is that a joke? No, it is. Are you 100% sure that's called the Plesipus?

No, I'm taking the piss. Oh, right. But you believe it, didn't you? Good name, really good. Well done. Thank you. Like platypus? Lad had a wart there at school, big wart.

Fell over one day in the yard, skidded on his hand, wart came straight off. Straight off. He. Straight off. He was absolutely buzzing. He was absolutely buzzing. Worst ward I've ever seen in my life, you ready for this? I may have talked about it before. Oh my God, so many wards.

Worst ward I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Ever. Right. So you know, some kids at school bit their nails so far back. Sure have told you about this before. And then it was like, yeah. Yeah. So he bit his nails.

Oh, he told us this. He told us this man. He couldn't open the advent calendar and he's at school. Couldn't open it when it was his turn. That was fucking funny. He couldn't open the advent calendar. His nails are so sharp. I'm sure I've mentioned that before.

It's fucking stunning. And everyone, the teacher, everyone just watched. I'm not joking. Fucking a minute. Because he bit his nails so much that because I know some just lump just had like skin. Yeah, just a lump like so much skin. Yeah, like there was no nail layer at all. Did anyone help them?

No, like I'm thinking back, it was actually cruel. How long we made him try to open that advent calendar on his own. Then I think someone gave him a pen. Unbelievable. But yeah, he so his nail went so far back. And then he got a wart and the nail was essentially just grown into the side of the wart. It was the worst thing ever.

It was the worst thing. I think I mentioned it before, but oh God. Well, I get hurt. Mine weren't. When I was at school, they were like, you're pussy and disgusting and horrible. I got one on my nose once, my mom let it stay off school. I was, no, it was under my eye.

It was like, yeah, on my face, under my eye. But it like, they look like a turtle, like a tortoise shell. And my mom would have to like get a needle and burn the needle and then pop the warts and like puss would come out. Disgusting. Yuck. Yeah, horrible.

Literally I was born, like born with them. Just come up. And then they come up when I'm a bit stressed and run down. I haven't had them for a while. Oh my God, I'm scared. Fuck me, I'm scared. I think that means that your dad was shagging about when he had you. I think it was something to do. We did a bit of investigating and I think it was a virus that was going around the hospitals when she was pregnant with me. Right okay. I don't know. Yeah you are.

Her panic was. The bloody last us in here, do you know that? Oh that's good, there's a new one of them coming out. Trail has out now. Anyway, we didn't even get the blooming old wise tale. Oh you're joking? Oh we just went straight in the water gate. This reminded me of a time when my mum had the shingles and my auntie, who lived in the local fishing village,

phoned her and said, and is this it? What the hell's going on here? 1904, like what the hell? Who wrote this, Catherine Cookson? Do you know what though, there's still a lot of places in England that are very old, just the local fishing village. We drove through Little Village here, and I was absolutely buzzing.

I was like, look at this place. It was gorgeous, it was gorgeous, but all I could think was, there's some bitchiness going on in here. Yeah. Wouldn't wanna live there. No, politics. Everyone will know your business. Oh yeah.

Just, no, I couldn't be arsed. Anyway, right, okay, so the auntie lived in the local fishing village, phoned her and said, don't worry, I've sorted your shingles. Not really knowing what this meant, she went about her business until a few hours later, we got a knock at the door. Standing there was an old woman who was at least 90 and in brackets it says yeah likely a witch. Jesus. Likely? Maybe. She handed my mom a plastic sandwich bag which contained a single piece of white bread that was slightly blue molded and then left without saying a word. To make

it even stranger there was a single bite taken out of the corner. Oh god. My mom wasn't sure if she had to eat the bread or rub it on her shingles save to say did not cure them. But it's mad what people believe. But...is that it? Is that another... You fucking gave me...I've got more questions than I have to give you! Well listen, Google is getting a lot of work today because we don't have someone working for her, so I'm doing it.

Hang on, what did she give her? A bit of moldy bread...slice of moldy bread shingles cure. Right. Oh God, I'mles cure. Right. Oh god I'm so excited. Right. Myth breakers. Okay, there's nothing on here about an old wives tale of eating moldy bread.

Right, so brilliant. But it does say...what? Just no answers? Who put the bite out of it? But it just says, ancient Egyptians applied moldy bread on infected cuts and wounds to heal them. Yeah, and what was that life expectancy? What did they live to? 25? 30? It did there. Is that all it was? Oh my God! Google again. Stop! Oh my gosh, the lifespan of the ancient Egyptians.

Males, 22 and a half to 25. Females, 35 to 37. Yep. Why? Is that because we're making buildings so much? I don't know. I don't know any. To be fair though, they were half onto something because penicillin was made from mould on bread. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, just don't rub it on your open cuts you fucking nut-ass. Bit late, like I don't think there's any ancient Egyptians listening, but if they are, dealt with. I think you will appreciate this one because you grew up sorry on a housing estate. I feel like this is very much your vibe. It's just a little

lovely and quick but I feel don't get too triggered okay. Okay. But the youth have moved on. Okay. Hi guys, sharing what I just heard a boy of about 10 or 11 in our estate shout to his mate as he cycled away. Our relationship is broken, Thomas. Okay. And that's it, that's all it says. Short and sweet. Okay, yeah. What is that? Do you want to dissect this?

I mean, I can't speak for everyone who grew up in a housing estate. That doesn't sound like a particularly working class housing estate to me, I'll be honest with you. Our relationship is broken, Thomas. I mean, it smacks of, you are not my mate and you are not my fellow DJ.

Oh, DJ, DJ. From Kevin and Perry-Go-Lodge. Yeah, our relationship is broken, Thomas. I think kids now, nowadays, speak to each other a lot more eloquently than we ever did as kids. They know a lot more about relationships than we did when we were younger. I think they might be a bit more emotionally mature

in a lot of ways. Yeah, exactly, you know, I mean, if that was my estate, again, he would have just been calling around my jam, and he'd have been cycling off crying. Yeah, nobody would know you'd been crying. Yeah, exactly, but our relationship was broken, Thomas, you know, it's, I mean, can the work on that? Or is it fucked?

Maybe they'll go for a milkshake at the weekend. Talk about their problems. Come go sit down for a milkshake at the weekend. Talk about their problems. Come go sit down for a milkshake and talk about how we're gonna move forward. You really upset me that day Thomas. You really upset me. Can you stop full naming us? It makes it worse. Sorry Tom, I love you. I love you too. Babadoo to get in touch at shagmaridinoid.gmail.com and we'll be back next week. See you guys later. Enjoy the summer holidays.

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