Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 286. Counted and Verified

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

This week on the podcast Rosie shares what ID she used on a recent flight, prepare to be surprised! They also talk about the new book and reveal some more Would Rosie Eat choices! All of this plus some beefs and an in real time plea to Instagram to answer a TV related question. Send us your QFTP and Would Rosie Eat to [e-mail] Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Academy Award winner Halle Berry. One touch without a rope is all it takes. Say it! Never let go. We're the world now. Never let go. In theatre September 20th. Hello y'all listening to Shag Mired Annoyed with me Rosie Ramsey, my husband Chris Ramsey and welcome to the Good Week. She's on a good week. The good week. She's in a good mood. I'm in such a good mood.

Such a good mood, aren't you? Yes. Such a lovely little bouncy mood. Fantastic. Yes. Are you happy? Good. I'm glad.

Yes. We've just worked out that you're doing a telly thing in a couple of weeks, which will be on your bad week. Dun dun dun. You said that's going to be really bad when I'm doing that, but I'll not be with you. So it's fucking worked out amazingly for me. I know, but it's-

If you could do that every time, if you could just look at your monthly cycle and go, right, that's where I'll not be with you so it's fucking worked out amazingly for me. I know but... If I could do that every time if you could just look at your monthly cycle and go right that's where I'll just leave for that. It changes all the time. It doesn't you just you just... No it doesn't. No I kind of track it but it changes there's not enough months days in the month I don't know anyway complicated. Not enough days in the month for how much of a dick I. I do. So next week when I do this thing's gonna be exhausting because I'm gonna have to be bloody nice to everyone when I wanna die inside. And I'm gonna be here with my phone on airplane mode

just living my best life. Oh, I'll get through to you. Golf. No, no, no. And grappling. I'll find you. And good vibes. G and G and G and V.

The children? You got the children? Who's children? Our children. I've never heard about this. When did this happen? Literally. This is you though, whenever I go away working,

you just palm the kids off to the grandparents. Again, I don't know how many times I told you, when I used to tour and you had just Robert, and you were like, it's so hard. I used to go, just give them grandparents. And you go, no, I'm going to be a martyr. I'm learning from your mistake. I never said I'm going to be a martyr.

Exact words were, I'm going to be a martyr. People who are martyrs don't say they're martyrs. You said, I'm going to your mistake. I never said I'm gonna be a martyr. You're thinking the exact words. I'm gonna be a martyr. People who are martyrs don't say they're martyrs. You said I'm gonna be a martyr and I think I'm great and I just love whinging. So I'm learning. Thank you. My mistake. Thank you.

I'm learning from your mistake. The minute you're out that door, they're out the door straight after you and I'm up on the golf course or on the mats with the lads just living my life. Question. Golfing, crap and good vibes, yes? What is a martyr?

A martyr? Mm-hmm. It's someone who dies for a cause, I think. Dunno. Suffers for a cause. Listen, hey, I use it all the time. Of course. But I don't know what it actually means.

Isn't it funny? Jamie, can you pull that up? Isn't it funny how in life you just learn a word and you use it, but actually- Sorry, we'll go back. Isn't it funny in life how you learn a word and use it? Most other people try and work out what they mean. Excuse me, you've just used Martin, and you've got no idea what it means. Person who was killed because of their religious or other beliefs. There we go, dives for a cause.

There you go. So I nailed it straight away, so I did know what it meant. I was thinking about religion yesterday. Mm-hmm. And I'm just being thinking about it. I was thinking about religion. Yeah. Okay.

Got a question for you after this. Okay. I actually don't think, I'm not gonna say it because, I don't know. I've just been thinking about religion a lot. Okay. It's just such a huge thing that you know you're just born in it. You're just born into it. Yeah. Like so it's the same as you know if your parents were murderers. Yeah. You're gonna be a murderer because that's what your parents did. Right, okay. So you kind of go, are you this? It's just because your mum and dad are this.

It's a good point, yeah. You don't have to be this. But you are. And that's fine. And that's absolutely fine. But I don't know, I just think it's... If you just really dissect everything, it's just a bit mad, isn't it?

Well yeah, kind of, it's a family thing. It's an inherited thing. Well I've been Catholic my entire life. I served on the altar with, did the bloody, did the water, did the wine, did all that shit? Yeah, that was more to do with- Did the incense and everything. That was more to do with you being a busybody as a kid

than how we're in the week. No, we got a pound off the priest. There it is. Every week. A pound coin, pound coin. A... Pfft. F***ing hell.

Oh, okay. Oh, God, I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- I just had a crin- them. God. It's a...quickly changed. I'll not have a...quickly changed. Look, you didn't we didn't. When I was younger. That was completely accidental. That was completely accidental. Hey, have I told you the priest when I was younger? No. He was a bloody, he was absolutely a lovely, lovely man who's called Father Morrissey. He was a really lovely, lovely man. He really was. And then I was just... I haven't met a priest I've ever got on with, in all honesty. I haven't met any of them, but I haven't met a priest I've never got on with. I thought, are you alright? I have. I remember being, I was jealous. Two things, three things. Well, first of all, let's break this up. How do you spell martyr? Oh, like tartar. Nope. M-A-R-T-A-R. No. Martyr. No. It's really weird. So it looks like it was a word. Is it P--H at the beginning? Nah. Oh God, oh God, oh my God.

I've just remembered something from yesterday that I forgot to tell you. Rafe went through an old magazine, right? Cause desperate times. And there was loads of dinosaurs at the bottom. And I was naming them all, I was going, Tyrannosaurus Rex, Velociraptor. And then there's one that begins with a P-H,

but what is it like a triceratops or something? No, pterodactyl. Begins with a P-H? Yeah, pterodactyl. But you don't say pterodactyl, but I went pterodactyl, and he was copying the one he went pterodactyl. I was going, oh for God's sake.

God! I can't remember. You sure it's a pterosaur? Yeah, like pterosaur, like it's a silent P, isn't it? God. I don't think it's a pterosaur. Anyway, yeah. It's like the flying ones.

So there we go. Wait, what were you saying about? Martyr, it looks like it was a word that was invented now for texts. M-A-R-T-Y-R. Martyr. Meteor. Martyr, M-A-R-T-Y-R.

So two things, two other things. There wasA-R-T-Y-R. So two things. Two other things. There was a really good point where you said about religion. There's a comedian, a very good comedian called Glenn Wool, Canadian comedian. Canadian comedian. Canadian comedian. And he had a bit years ago, I used to watch, and it was about religion. It was really good.

And he was like, I'm Christian. I'm a Christian because I was born and told about one religion, so I picked it. That's the thing. Totally nailed it. That's the thing. Now, you've just unlocked another memory. I remember being at the Edinburgh Fringe years ago with, I was backstage at BBC Comedy Presents with a host for the comedians as well as an Irish comedian called Andrew Maxwell.

There was randomly a priest there. He wasn't a comedian. I think he knew someone. He was a brother or a friend of one of the acts. I can't remember, it was a lovely fella. But Andrew Maxwell was calling him father because Andrew Maxwell was like prop Irish. And he's like, oh, you're all right, father.

And I was so jealous. That it just sounded so cool that he's like, you're all right, father. And I went to call him father and I bottled it at the last minute. So I was like, it's gonna sound stupid. I'm just gonna sound like I yeah, right father. And I went, I went to call him father and I bottled it at the last minute. So I was like, it's gonna sound stupid. If I'm just gonna sound like I'm calling him dad. So I would have called him father because I've grew up.

I was so jealous of Maxwell. He was just like, what's happening father? And I was just like, oh, this is so. He sounded like Colin Farrell. Like it was just a cool moment. And I was like, you could have called him father. You probably should have. I feel like I'd have said it

and then it would have been a moment of silence and I'd have caved. But that's his name. I'd have been like, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. My drama teacher at school was a brother. Yeah? Yeah, brother Lawrence. Brother from another mother?

Brother Lawrence, but I used to call him Brolo. Don't think he appreciated that, but he was actually a really good teacher. Good. Yeah, Brolo. Yeah, Brolo. Brolo now you're low though. Listen, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being part of this podcast. It is episode 286. Good grief. Christ on it. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucratively high lucratively hee hee hee hee hee hee cre hee high hour tab. Got to run out of them soon. That's getting worse every week. Yeah, sorry, I nearly ran out of breath there.

I went a bit lightheaded. Sponsor this week's sponsor is, when your favorite food disappears off the shelves for a bit, then comes back boasting new improved recipe, but tastes like absolute shit. No, what have they done? Grenade protein bars, they haven't done it yet. They haven't done it yet.

Cookie dough bar, my favorite one. Very fucking sparse at the minute. Very hard to get. I'm begging, I'm stealing, I'm borrowing, I'm going to underpassers, I'm buying them off men in trench coats. They're, they're, they're, you know, they're, they're sparse, sparse. Okay, you just can't get them much anymore. I don't know what's happening, you can't buy the big boxes that my family's having anymore. Shko ran the service stations, they're always there.

I'm not buying one at a time. W.H. Smith! I'm not buying one at a time, I'm some kind of fucking loser. W.H. Smith! Love! I buy boxes of 12, mate! You think I am like some kind of part-timer here? I'm a goddamn fucking athlete. I had to buy two boxes of four today in Tesco. The level of security that was on them was unbelievable. What? Are they in a security box? They were in the plastic boxes that you get.

Shut the front door. No they're not. One of them was in a net, a security net, and one of them was in the fucking plastic box that they put condoms and after shaving. That's insane. They put other stuff in there as well. Well I went to the bloke and I went, sad that you've got to have that. He went, oh he went, they still steal them. He went, they just walk out with them. I remember when I was a kid, we used to get, what butter, here's a question, what butter did you have in your house when you were a kid? Klova. Klova. Yeah.

Not butter, spread. Is it not? No, my mom would not buy a spread. It's not a...it's got... Is it a butter? Klova. Klova. I mean, that was quite a posh one. I can't remember. Klova is a brand of soft spread sold in the United Kingdom. It resembles butter but is easier to spread when cold, notya, mum. Just dead quickly we're doing the podcast.

We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast.

We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. We're doing the podcast. *** *** Sandra, hiya, ma'am. ***

Just dead quickly, we're doing the podcast. What butter did we use when we were grown up? *** Uh-huh. *** *** Oh, ***. Oh, yeah. I said clover but...Kev...Kev, Chris.

No, see, I told you it's not real butter. I thought it went clover. Try and sponsor the podcast. We obviously now moved on to the Salted Crystals, you know. We do. We are on the Salted Crystals. Yeah, I know, ma'am. My mind's not even in a tub anymore, it's just in the paper. Like the French. This is pathetic. Yeah.

This is the way it is. Alright. Cheese, it's all about cheese. It is, ma'am. It is. Okay, I love you. It's all about teeth. It is, mom, it is. Okay, I love you. I'll speak to you later. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Golden Churn family. You remember Golden Churn? It was in a bucket. Literally in a bucket with a blue lid. Golden Churn, right?

But that's not real butter? It is. Is it? Yeah, made of the traditional manner. Golden Churn is premium quality butter. Bracket's better than clover and all the scruffs who buy it. I had a glow up though a couple of years ago. Can I finish my point? Golden Churn fucked me over.

Why? They did the whole new improved recipe one day. Can I finish my point? Golden Churn booked me over. Why? They did the whole new improved recipe one day, tasted like shit on me bread and butter, which as you know was the only thing I ate because I was a disgrace. Started clogging up and making the Toasty Maker stick. Why? Remember the Toasty Maker? Oh yeah, yeah.

You know the Toasty Makers I mean? The ones that. Four isosceles triangles of molten hot pain. Yeah. So you put the outside of the bread and you put them in, it started sticking. You would open it up and it was like, aah! And the bread, the golden, the change to golden chain. The ruined, dark day, dark day in the round of your house. Luripack and clover would never have done that, do you? Clover wouldn't have worked anyway. Why? Wouldn't have worked. Nah, it was just the butter that worked, but yeah. So, sorry for everyone triggered by the toasty story, but I remember just disasters. Did you put on them toasty makers?

Of course I did. Did you put beans in it, ever? No. Beans are good, innit? I don't like cheese, I very rarely use it. I used to make tuna ones, which were just sad. Just hot tuna. God!

God! God! Oh Jesus! just hot tuna. Oh god! Oh god! Oh Jesus! Just hot tuna! Just four eyes, saw some of these triangles of hot tuna. Really hot tuna. No way! You have no cheese!

No cheese? Oh my god! I've never ate cheese! Oh my god! Rosie, that's one of the worst things. What? Like mayonnaise, so it was like it wasn't dry. Everyone, everyone! Do you know the toasty maker I'm talking about? They all know the toasty maker you're talking about, Chris.

And you used to make four isosceles triangles of hot tuna. Yes. That, it, ah! Steamed tuna! Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute, you ate tuna pasta yesterday with cheese. That's hot tuna. It's not in bread. It's hot tuna? It's not in bread.

So it's not pasta? It's the same thing. It's hot tuna? It's not in bread. So? It's not pasta? It's the same thing? Steamed in the family toasty maker. You know what's hilarious everybody? I'll make him one. Yeah, and he'll demolish it. You'll love it.

Two things. Know your fucking won't. Sounds disgusting. Second thing, we don't have one of them toasty makers these days. Well, do you know what my brother had just got us for my birthday? Did you see? I saw...what is that? It's like...I don't really know.

But I mean... No, it's a McMuffin maker. It's a McMuffin, well, it's not like, it's not McDonald's, but it is. It says it literally, well, it says in very clever copyright safe language. It says on the side, make like a famous breakfast muffin. Yeah, you make like a McMuffin maker. Yeah, but it does it all on all the levels don't it? Yeah. I've seen them on Instagram yeah. Yeah so he's got one of them which is

nice and two bottles of wine thank you very much Kev. Thank you Kev looks like a bastard to clean. When we've used it we'll bring it round you can clean it we'll have it back. I'll make you a bun kid. Hot tuna bun. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married and Oied. We just had a little conversation off, er, off mic and I was just saying I don't want to offend anyone about me religious comments.

Well you want passion religion, you're just making a point. I know I'm not, I know. It's just, it's one of those things that you think deeper because I'm not being funny, I wouldn't have been Catholic if me mom hadn't been Catholic and went to Catholic school and you know. It's a fair point. You're not having a go, it's a fair point. And look if you're out there and you've got a religion and it makes you happy then God, well done. Exactly, that's what I mean. And you know what it is? Catholicism for a lot of years has made me happy. There's been lovely things about it.

I've said loads of times I wish I did. Believe in heaven and stuff like that. Yeah, it's nice. Listen, do you want a little happy moment? Always. Oh, excuse me. So, um, last night, our son, one of the, our oldest son, God too, just remember that, said one of the nicest things he's ever said to me. Okay.

We, you went up to take the littlest to bed and I went outside into the garden with the eldest, Robin, and I won the trampoline. And he said he wanted to try a backflip. And I said, look, don't try one until you're completely ready. Because he wants to do a backflip. But he can go up in the air, land on his back and then roll from his back and land on his feet.

So he can sort of do a half backflip. And he went, dad, do your backflip. And we all know I'm very good at backflips. You need to stop doing them backflips on that trampoline. If you die. You're about to hear why I will never stop. I did me backflip and he was sitting on the swing looking at us

and he went, oh, dad, he went, that was so cool. I want thanks, son. And he said, and I quote, I want to be just like you when I grow up. Great. Brilliant. Is that actually what he said? I swear to God, I could have cried. He actually said I want to be just like you. That's his exact words.

I mean, yes, he was told. Wish I'd have been there. He was just told my backflips. Yeah. And I said, if I'd have been there. What? I said I wanna be just like you. That's his exact words. I mean, yes, he was talking about- Wish I had been there. He was just talking about backflips. Yeah. Do you know what I'd have said if I'd have been there? What? I'd have said, what?

In a back brace, lying down, being fed by a tube after he's broke his back on the fucking trampoline doing backflips in his back garden. I can do them though. It's not like I'm trying them. I can do them. I know you can, but it's just, you're're too big and when every time I watch you do it I just think it's gonna you're gonna just really hurt yourself like that's the secondary thought every

time you watch us do it you think oh my god he's so cool I don't want to I want to say I want to see see and taste his tiddler that's very nice really nice then really nice. That's really nice. Well done. Then this morning... They adore you, it's lovely. This is what I say about you, listen. You all know this.

I love Chris as a husband, he's lovely, but he gets on my nerves and you know, whatever. But you're a class dad. I've always said that. Anyway, what else? And then this morning, another one this morning, so they both... I feel like you're making this up. No, no, they both wanted to take copies of the book in the school this morning.

They've been trying for weeks to take copies in, but we can't, but it's out this Thursday. Rob wanted to give one to every teacher. I was like, I've literally got five to give out. Like, would you stop him? So they sent, there's a pre-nomi in my house. We sent them in with one each, because they wanted to take one each.

We signed them for the school. Haven't asked for it, it's a bit arrogant on our part if I'm totally honest. Might be a few whispers around the staff room. So these fucking wankers have sent two of this shit in. No seriously Robin was sitting in the front of the cars I was driving along right and he was looking at it and he was just properly taking it all in and he just out of nowhere he turned and he went, oh dad he he went, this is brilliant, this you know. He went, this is brilliant. He went, this book is brilliant. And I was like, really? And he went, he was again, shout out to Paula Bowles who did the illustration. He went, I think this might

be my new style of drone. I'm going to start drawing like this. Oh, that's so cool. Unreal. Unreal little boy. And he said, Dad, everyone should buy this book. I said, he said everyone should go out. I don't think he said that. He stopped with that bit. It's out on Thursday, but he did say that stuff. It was just lovely.

We've done a lot of stuff though, and it's nice to have something that they can be involved in and part of, and it is lush. For Robin. And Ray. Thank you to everyone who's already pre-ordered it. It's out Thursday, we're gonna stop banging on about it now, but there you go, but that was true. It's our Thursday, we're gonna stop banging on about it now, but there you bloody go.

But that was true. It just happened to be a bit of PR in some truth. Everyone gets buzzing about the kids. Let's save it for just me and you before we go to bed after we've shouted at them all day and look at our phones and say how much we love them. Nobody else needs to hear about the gushy McGusheyserson of the bullshit. All right. Yeah, and just before we finish this little section, obviously it is Chris Timber. It's fully in swing. I hope you've got all your Chris Timber decorations up and your Chris Timber advent calendars. Pointless, I'm on Pointless. Sky Special's out 18th of October.

Book's out, all of that stuff. And shout out to everyone who voted for it in the British Podcast Awards. We got to the final, we're shortlisted. Literally five years after we won the first one and we're up there shortlisted again. And is a testament how fucking awesome you lot are. So thank you so much. Not sure if we'll win it again.

Be amazing. That would be really really cool. It's out of our hands now. The numbers have been counted. It is what it is but thank you so much. The votes have been counted and verified. What's that from? X Factor? No, that's not. No?

No. What was that? Whose voice was that? Who says that? Were you trying to do the referee from gladiators? I think so. On your marks... No? Get ready... Gladiator ready!

Contender ready! There we go. God, I've got... When would the marks... You're not even gonna hold your hand and spoon feed you through. Where would the marks have been counted and verified come from? I don't know where you've got that from. X Factor, I've got... You know what I've got? I'm not gonna hold your hand and spoon feed you through. Where would the marks have been counted and verified come from? I don't know where you've got that from. X Factor, I think.

The marks have been... I don't think so. The scores. No. There's too many. Is it Graham? God! I don't know.

You're hard work. You're really hard work. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bat. Just... Just in a... Just in a break and recording there, You're hard work. You're really game show. Nothing's coming up. What is it off? When you Google stuff like this, Google must have a small panic attack. Oh, I'm ringing Kate. Oh, God.

No, I'm sorry. It's going to do me head in. This mic, it'll just get cut. Hang on. Is it strictly? She'll know. I don't think it'll just get cut. Hang on. Is it strictly? She'll know. I don't think it's a Scottish accent.

That's where you've gone wrong here. I just really like the Scottish accent. Oh fuck. She's set herself in the face with that one. Hello Kate, I'm doing the podcast just quickly. Do you remember years ago on a game show of some description that would be like I think it's Scottish but Chris disagrees it'd be like and the votes have been counted and

verified. What's that off? Good luck. You don't think there's a crystal maze? Oh what votes? What's his name off the crystal maze? He's not the bald guy. Yeah what he used to say. What are you talking about when you catch all the foil? I'm listening then. What he used to say. I can't be part of this apparently. When they go in the crystal thing and like catch all of the tickets and post them through the little letter boxes. Yeah, but did he say they'd been...

And then I'm sure he used to say that the votes have been counted and verified or something to that. Okay, well maybe. Listen, I trust you. I don't think so. It might be that. I love it when most of my family forgets that I've done the Crystal Maze. Have you? And won it. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, you did win it. Has that been on the telly? Are you taking the fucking piss? It was literally about eight years ago. Was it? Yeah, I remember that. Okay. Do your bollocks.

I'm sure that's what... I think that's what you're thinking of. Right, okay. I'm gonna Google it and find out later. Nothing else, is it? I think that. Okay. Do your bollocks. I'm sure that's what, I think that's what you're thinking of. Right, okay. I'm gonna Google it and find out later. It's nothing else, is it? I think it's Strictly. It might be Strictly. Votes, audience votes have been counted and verified. I'm sure it's Strictly.

It's Strictly. It's Strictly, Kate. Well, this format will none of well get back. I think it's Strictly. Is it not the Eurovision Song Contest? Oh, fuck. I don't know. Oh, God.

Anybody wanna do it? Rarararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararar Oh fuck. I don't know. Oh god. Any of you know what I'm doing? Crystal maze, crystal maze. Strictly, strictly. European, European context. All right, put your bet above you. This is your last answer. Go on, what are you going with? Right, crystal maze.

Okay, all right then. Just follow it. I think you're wrong. All right, I love you, bye. I love you, bye. This is, this is, this is. I think she's wrong. I think she, nah.

Fucking crystal maze. Not a chance. Not a chance. What are you talking about? It's recent, man. It's not that. I think it's strictly. I think it's wrong. I think she's... no, she's fucking Chris Amir. Not a chance. What's she talking about? It's recent man. It's not that. I think it's strictly... I think it's strictly... alright. Not that I can't remember anything they would say, I'm sorry, I was that nervous. All I could hear was the internal sound of my asshole chewing through whatever stupid costume I had on that week. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Academy Award winner, Halle Berry.

One touch without a rope is all it takes. Say it! Never let go. We're the world now. Never let go. In theatre September 20th. Hello, we've left it to the powers that be. I've put something on my Instagram and hopefully in about half an hour we'll find out what show it was on.

So I believe now we've divided the listenership into a couple of groups and we've got people who know exactly what it is and are screaming it at themselves, people who think they know exactly what it is and are screaming it but they're wrong and they're going to find out at the end if they're right or not. And the majority of which, who I do believe couldn't give a flying fuck, I am in that camp. You can't tell by listening, but in the break of recording.

Okay, well listen, when I find out, I'll just not tell you. Let's not get hasty. No, no, no, no, don't worry. No, no, no. Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right, I care a bit, I care a bit. All right, big bollocks. I think it's Davina, I think it's Davina, thank you very much, just the way I'm sitting.

I don't think that's a compliment. Well, anything can be a compliment if you're positive enough. Ha ha ha ha ha. Really? Shall we quickly, just before we go to the next section, shall we tell everyone how you tried to board a flight the other day with what bit of ID you went to the airport

to fly to London. You forgot your driving license and your passport. I did, I did. Just tell everyone, just tell everyone what you handed to the British Airways staff member to try and get you on a British Airways flight. Your cost code card. Her cost code card.

It's got me forwarded one. Excuse me, madam, do you have any idea? Well, this proves that I can buy buckets of mayonnaise motherfucker. Don't you know what it is? What a traumatic little time I've had if I'm honest with you. So you said it now, right I'm going to tell you, I went aboard at Newcastle, didn't have my bloody drivers license because you, what did you use? You used it for some shit and

then left it on the side and I hadn't put it back in my purse because that's just how I live alright. I took it out for legal reasons where we're doing something and you, and I had both of ours, I had to send both of ours off, and you said to yourself, you'd seen it multiple times and not put it back in. Yeah, because I don't want,

my brain doesn't work like that anyway. Devastated. Brain doesn't work like that's mine, I need it back. Yeah, but the lovely lady at Newcastle was very helpful and Chris sent us a picture of all me IDs, so she actually did let us on. But Heathrow, not so lovely. Not so lovely at all.

But more of an intense airport, I feel. You know what I mean? A bit more on it. Very much got through. You needed a macro card as well. Yeah, just needed both things. They laughed when I showed them the Costco card. They actually laughed.

But do you know what it is? It's situations like that that I realized I could never be a criminal. I swear to God when I was stood at that desk and there was about four of them got involved on whether the letters on or off. They ended up calling manager and they said yes. So I was like, thank you.

But whilst they were all kind of sorting it out between themselves and whilst he was on the phone the manager putting everything in, I have never felt more under pressure to just be normal in my entire life. Like Chris, at one point I looked at me watching, I was like, you look suspicious, stop. Don't look at your watch.

Don't do anything. They'll think it's a timer. It was awful. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I was so like sweaty when I left. And then I didn't ring you straight away. Cause I thought the thing I'm ringing me and me and my other criminal mates

got through got through so I waited did you not realise I waited till I got through the security before I rang you. Brilliant honestly I was on a group text with my mates and I was gonna see if one of the lads because I had both our kids I was gonna see if one of the lads had to spare you know 45 minutes and they could drive your ID up to the airport for you in Newcastle and when I put in the group text in all capitals, they've accepted our Costco card. There was a lot of laughter. And a lot of stuff.

A lot of people wrote fuck off. So yeah, they did accept the Costco card. And it turns out all we've got to do is send them a sack of tea bags, 60 kitchen roll and a barrel of olive oil. Exactly. Do you know what's funny? Do you remember that program back in the day?

Like when there was only five channels, four channels, the airport program. I still watch that. There's loads of them. Oh, do you remember the feeling of drama though, when they'd forgot their passports and someone had to drive it there. And you'd be like, oh, they're gonna make it.

They'd leave them. Oh my God. They would cut to them. They would cut to them standing outside of a double H Smiths three or four times during the episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, yeah. Just waiting then they'd run me.

Brenda's still waiting for her husband to drop off her passport or she's not gonna get, you know, she's gonna miss the 24 hour flight to Australia to see her grandkids. The drama, man, the drama. It was brilliant on it. He probably got there in 10 minutes. Probably a little bit on the phone.

I know, I know, but they did it well though. And then they'd run and it would be like, whoa. Get get in. Listen are you ready for some more drama? Always. It's time for Woodrose eat. Two burps that time. Oh come on I was still going with this. It's time for Woodrose eat. No wait, we heard it lovely the first time. I just needed another burp, I'll be honest with you. Okay, again, can't stress enough how fucking awesome you people are for sending these things in. So, so good.

Love it. Let's get straight in. Would you eat a chocolate fountain with a brand new pungent car air freshener? Oh, right, okay. Oh God, that is hard. Do you know in the docket, in the inside docket thing of our car in between the things where you put the sunglasses and that, oh god. Do you know there was... That was so badly explained. What's it called? The centre console compartment. God, ugh, ugh, ick. Who are you? Oh sorry, Look at him, he knows words!

Look at him, knowing what stuff's called! Look at him, sitting on his sitting on his bum table talking into his voice, loudly louder doing his, doing his radio cast, knowing what stuff's called! What a non-winner! Voice, loudly louder!

winner! Oh you prick. Anyway, yeah, well done. I'll give myself that. Sometimes I do forget you're actually a professional comedian because you do fog all nowadays. I am currently golf, grappling and good vibes. Oh don't we know it. So yeah, back to that story. Someone, I think it was you, oh it might have been me actually because sometimes I could smell of them a bit much, put an air freshener in the middle docket right, the console thing. And there was also a packet of Polos in there. Half eaten part of Polos. Half eaten part of Polos. And one day I thought oh I'm gonna have a Polo. Oh fuck me, it just tasted like air freshener, I was just good. I can still, it really affected it. So my sunglasses are also in that,

it's sent that console component. And when I put them on, my eyes sting. Yeah, I've took it out now. It's like I've sprayed perfume in my eyes. It's absolutely horrible. So you wouldn't eat chocolate fountain if you got any pudgy. No, listen, hey, listen. I didn't answer the question yet, actually.

I do believe the way to do this would be cover the entire thing in the chocolate fountain, wait five minutes for that layer of chocolate to solidify and then crack on. Yeah, yeah. Chocolate fountains don't get me wrong, wouldn't say no, they're not amazing. I'm not a huge fan of chocolate fountains.

It's like, manky chocolate they use kind of like- It's got oil in it. Loads of oil in it. Yeah, chocolate shouldn't run like that. Exactly. Yeah. So not my favourite if I'm honest with you now. It's just when you were wedding or something

and you go, oh there's chocolate fountain for the kids. I go, great, no adults are going anywhere near that now because that's just a fucking bio hazard. And I scream, the whole world wants to know this. I'm very, you gotta know this. And I scream with the end of Chris's dick. That someone's written that in. Yes, are you kidding me?

Ha ha, get it. Of course I would. Look at him, look at him. Why are you smiling? Oh God. I've just got to nip the freezer. Totally, totally unrelated. Just got to quickly nip it in the freezer. Did you send that in? No I didn't. But looking forward to getting frostbite on the old peen. What? Like, why wouldn't you? To be fair, yeah. Okay, good. So I just have to suck it for fun? There it is! Come on. I'm gonna get some bloody ice cream out of it.

This one I don't think you'd be up for. A bath sponge soaked in all of the sweat from cleaning the mats from Chris's BJJ class. No. Brackets note, I have seen the sweat made from these men after such classes. ... Disgusting! Yeah. Using it to eat apple crumble and custard. I do like apple crumble.

I really do. Genuinely, I've thought about apple crumble a lot recently. Again, just to refresh the scenario, you are starving. You're not only with your hands or anything else, not only drinking from the bowl, you are absolutely starving, you feel sick, you need this thing more than anything. That's the only thing available. That's the only thing. Don't use it.

Two choices, use it and eat it or don't eat it. They're the only two choices. Anything else results in entire family murder by the case of her. Is the sponge still wet or is it dried? It's just soaked in, soaked is the word in here, in the sweat from us. I couldn't, I couldn't, come on. I'm glad you're having a bit of self respect

in this episode, this is good. No, I do love apple crumble, but I couldn't, I couldn't do that. I'm gonna you're having a bit self-respect in this episode. No, I do love Apple Crumble, but I couldn't do that. I'm gonna leave this one for last because it's fantastic. I'm just gonna skip one. Glass of wine. Oh yeah, I love a glass of wine. Using a catheter tube. I mean, is it clean?

The general consensus for things seems to be either wiped clean or just rinsed. Just rinsed. Just rinsed. Everyone's kind of went with that. A catheter tube out of a glass of wine. How long have I not had wine for? Again. Wine is not enjoyable through a straw or anything though actually. It really hurts your throat. So no. Ah yeah I would. Would you? If I'm desperate. Alright it's the only thing available in your festival. Right and I want to get, yeah Oh yeah, I would. Would you? If I'm desperate. All right, it's the only thing available in your festival. Right, and I wanna get, yeah.

Yeah, if I wanna get pissed, yeah. I've drank worse. There it is. Plain pasta out of the drain catcher, which has been caught after all the dishes have been washed. Oh God. Oh see, that's really more upsetting to me. I don't know why.

That's like bitter, like food bits. Whenever I have to empty that in the bin, even though I know it's all of our food stuff, it still makes us really sad. What's the worst food that gets in there for you? Bits of now light grey soaked mince. Okay, for me it's like mozzarella cheese. Ah that sticks as well if the water's hot enough. It just goes like funny. Or like onions and like, it's just, ugh. So is that a no?

Do you know what? It's plain pasta. It's plain pasta. I could dig around it. No, it's not a no. No, okay, there we are. On the next level up, warm chocolate brownie using the plug strainer, same thing, taken from some communal showers.

Again, wipe clean but only with a dry tissue. That's what someone's written. Wipe clean but only with a dry tissue. Everyone's gone with the same rule, sir. Right, she's not getting a fucking dental wipe, the picky cow. Okay, wipe clean though. Communal showers. Drain strainer. Wipe clean. getting a fucking dental wipe the picky the picky cow okay wipe clean though wipe clean communal showers dream streamer wipe clean and that what they talk about probably pubes that have been picked off it so they've like saved oh have we man pubes oh god pubes well

they've picked off wipe clean the dry cloth pubes send me over the edge oh the hotel I just stayed in London recently was fucking disgusting by the way like shamefully disgusting yeah you know when you just honestly like just, honestly, like just not okay. It's just not okay if you're charging people and it wasn't like a budget hotel. You know when you kind of think, well, you know, it's 40 quid a night, 50 quid a night, whatever. It wasn't budget hotel and it was just horrible.

I do believe it's the same, I don't know if we talked about it on the podcast. I don't wanna mention it. No, no, but it's the same, we'll not say it, but it's the same chain of hotel of when we checked in on the tour and the sofa at the bottom of the bed just- Oh, there was just spunk on the sofa. Clearly't want to mention it. No, no, but it's the same, well not say it, but it's the same chain of hotel of when we checked in on the tour and the sofa at the bottom of the bed just clearly had spunk on it. It's me own stupid fault.

I'm never going to stay there ever again. I'll tell you what it was. It was either spunk or someone had opened a Crunch Corner yogurt, vanilla side first, extremely quickly. I think it was the latter. Do you? I think it was the latter.

I definitely think it was spunk. No, sorry, the former. I've done the wrong word. Oh, right. Definitely spunk. It fourth definitely spunk. It was definitely spunk. Or you could be so excited about your Crunch Corner, you could have just spunked.

It could be both. Obviously. It could be both. Crunch Corners, obviously. Do like the Crunch Corner. I'm gonna say no to that. The pub thing put us off. This one's my favourite one, right?

Right, come on then. Listen to the Wood Rosie Eats series got me thinking about when I was working in a care home. Oh, I've worked in a care home. You've mentioned it. One of the old ladies had misplaced her teeth. Oh. So at lunchtime one of her fellow residents offered a solution. She brought out her late husband's teeth and lent them to her so that she could eat her food. Oh Christ. So my question is would Rosie

eat brackets anything at all with a dead person's false teeth? No. No. Well, it wouldn't work because I've got a full set of teeth. Yours, they're just not there in this scenario. You just don't have teeth. How old am I? It's now.

It's now, all your teeth have disappeared, you're starving, all I've got is this dead guy's teeth. Again, wipe clean with a dry cloth. Dry cloth. Oh, dry tissue. Not a cloth. Wipe clean with a dry tissue. T a cloth. Tissue walk off. Tissue walk off.

Like you're also. Do you know what? I don't, no, I don't think I could. I don't think I could. Like, no. Surely as well, like what if his head was like a lot bigger than this? Oh, it was just, when I were,

wild working in care homes by the way. Just a very, very odd little time in my life. Lots of stories, lots of memories, some good, some bad. That's all I've got to say about it. And there it is. So a lot of, just saw a lot of stuff, Chris. Saw a lot of stuff. Okay. Yeah. Good food though. Right.

I was well fed. Hey, every cloud. I ate all the food they got. With your own teeth? Yes, with my own teeth. Oh, fucking hell. Live in well fed. Hey, every cloud. I ate all the food they got. With your own teeth? Yes, with my own teeth. Oh, fucking hell. Living the dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam. Alex Jade, Julia Kay will be walking through that front door up there. £70,000 better off. Mind you, right now, one of them's going to be leaving with nothing. The votes are being cancelled and verified by a sh... Woo! That's the one. It was Big Brother. Davina. Good old Davina.

Big Brother. There we go. I'll sleep the night. Oh, gosh, yeah. I will sleep tonight. I can bloody relax now. Fantastic stuff. Well done, everyone. everyone. Hey people just don't let we're down. Literally with it. It's during the day now.

I know. On a Tuesday and people have found that. That'll be all the mums. By the way, I just realised all the way through this I've been saying that the book's out on Thursday. This comes out the day after the book comes out. The book's already out. The book's out! It's out now. It's on the shelves. God I'm an idiot. We're on the Tanoys in some of the supermarkets. Tanoys. The book's already out when you hear this. The book's out! Oh my god, it's on the shelves. God, I'm an idiot. We're on the tannoys in some of the supermarkets. Tannoys.

We've got a bloody advert on Sky Kids. TV advert, yeah. Nickelodeon and that, I think, so that's exciting. Do you know what? I need it actually this week. Do you wanna blow that burp away again? Just blowin' a burp to the side there. I need it like not to wear on me Instagram and stuff,

because I'm very aware that this is the week that we're bringing out a children's book. I should probably align myself. These things happen. I remember I was on, when I went to Blackpool, with Strictly, Blackpool week, I had a bath, and I noticed that your knob floats in the bath, and I tweeted about it.

All right. Absolute hell on. Who? Oh, someone. Oh, my child's watching on Strictly, so they're on my Twitter Twitter and they've read this, you're a disgrace. Fucking, it's not a platform.

Oh, gosh. I didn't know that happened. Yeah, so one moment off it, I was like, it's not a platform for kids. Your kid shouldn't be on here. Like, go fuck yourself. So yeah, it is what it is. The kids book is for kids, this is not for kids.

And your Instagram's not for kids. Yeah, we're having a lovely little conflict with our eight year old currently, because he wants Fortnite and it's not happening. No, I don't even play Fortnite. So I'll be the bitch. I said I would take the flak. I don't care. Well I've said, look, I'd be well up for it mate, but your mom doesn't want to. Well, you FaceTimed me whilst I was away saying very much that you said you could have it and I was like, no he can't. I said I would check it out. If it's okay with you, I'll check it out. But it looks like a...

Have you ever seen anyone playing on it? You see how much goes on it? It's like a fucking panic attack. It's so intense. Well that's the thing, do you know what it is? I don't really like games anyway you know I don't. I don't know why I've just got this thing in this and I just think it's like it's for age 13 and you can just wait. That's fine. Did you see the thing I showed you recently about surgeons who played on computer games when they were younger? Yeah're actually better surgeons. Yeah. It's totally unrelated. Um, yeah. I can't, he's gonna play games, he's gonna play games.

He's gonna be a surgeon, is what I'm saying. Well great, good for him. Right. Very stressful. If Grey's is anything to go by. Oh God. I kinda don't want him to be a surgeon if I'm honest with you. Pretty sexy though, innit?

It's the sexiest thing. Well, he's my son so I won't care if he's sexy. No, it's a cool thing to be. You want your son, you do not want, you're telling me you don't want your son to be sexy. Um, I want thing to be. You want your son, you do not want, you're telling me you don't want your son to be sexy. I want him to be respectful with a bit of sexy. What a fantastic answer. Yeah. Hey.

Thank you. Mrs. President, thank you very much for your time. You're welcome. You're welcome. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for questions from the public. What have I done, what's your beef? It's time for What's your Beef?

What's your Beef? What's your Beef? Beef beef beef beef beef beef love you. Love you too, but I've still got to beef with you. Oh, God, be nice. Is it about cereal? Yeah, I was awake. No, don't stop. I was awake this morning for about five seconds. Stop. And you immediately bollocked me.

I'd only been up for 10 minutes before you. Great. We're still sleeping seven times. Still seven times. And you immediately bollocked me for offering Rafe a sugary cereal, slightly sugaryer, slightly sugarier than the one that you'd offered him that we didn't have.

Then I made him some jam and toast and you came over and scraped all the jam off like the jam please. And then went actually, actually I'm just putting this in there baby you shouldn't have jam, put that in. About 20 minutes later he asked you for a chocolate brioche and you very nearly gave him one until you realised I was glaring at you then didn't give him one. You God damn gigantic piece of shit hypocrite.

Oh, I know. Horrible. I don't mean it. I woke up and walked, it was like waking up, climbing over the trench and just walking in enemy fucking gunfire. All right, can I say something? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You don't understand what goes on in my head. I'm constantly battling. Look at you. She said something. I'm constantly battling. I'd like to thank you, I'm a dad. I'd like to thank the kids. I'd like to thank everyone I work with.

I'd like to thank the academy. This is very much a mam thing. Everyone at Brit school. This is very much a mam thing, I think. And I don't mean to be sexist here. Even if you're in a same sex relationship, I can guarantee there's just one of you who does this more than the other.

I think it's happened in every relationship. So I'm not trying to be like gender stereotypical here. I think it's just, I worry about these things all the time. You've got no idea. And I know actually you do to an extent because you're always like, I wanna get them vegetables with their meals and I just think sometimes.

And then all of a sudden I was like, they just have too much, like there's too much sugar for breakfast. Breakfast is a nightmare. And then they end up having a slump like an hour later and you're like, why are you in a bad mood? I'm like, oh, cause you've just ate like jam on toast for breakfast.

Like. So Robin's mint because Robin is Mr. Fried Egg these days. Oh, Robin like loves porridge and he loves it so you go right there he goes I fried egg spray oil so Holly bang perfect but raves like just Mr. Mr. sugar I got it I missed out of this beef by the way you basically said will you do the breakfast because you couldn't be honest I get up and then just sat bark and all that's that was the main part because I couldn't be all right it's not because I can't be honest I accept your apology and I wish I on us, that was the main point. It's not because I couldn't be, all right, it's not because I can't be off to get up.

Listen, I accept your apology, and I wish I hadn't added that on top because now you've got a- You know, if I get up and I start doing breakfast, who's gonna follow us around the kitchen? Who is gonna follow me around that kitchen? The naughty elf? I.E.

Also known as? Is there a bunny? Rafe. Rafe will follow me around that kitchen going, mommy, what does he say? I want you. I want you. I want you.

So I just think about him. Totally blank me this morning, the little shit. Totally blank me. Unbelievable. He's got his favourite. Anyway, what's your beef with me? My beef with you is something that I forgot about until just recently, but it was wrote in here.

I had a suspicious mole on my face last month. Yeah. Yeah, it came out of nowhere and I was like, what the hell's this? And because I watch a lot of documentaries, whenever there's something comes up like that, I think, you know what? I'm gonna go to the doctor's. Get me smear, I keep on top of stuff with me health,

because I wanna live for a long time. I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, keep an eye on it. I took a little picture with a five pence piece. Just let you all know, it was absolutely, it went away, it was absolutely fine. But when I came home, I told you all about it and the next day, what did you say to me?

Adam's Dad I thought I had one on my face. Kirsty. Chris also thought that he had a possible cancer as well. Adam's Dad Could you see it or was it just me? Kirsty. I couldn't see a thing. Adam's Dad Honestly... Kirsty. What is wrong with you? Adam's Dad Rosie, I'm not...I've got...I can't watch not I've got what I can't watch grizzly anatomy I can't watch grizzly anatomy and the other day I was at the

driving range and I got I quickly went on me em Instagram and I saw that our I don't know why I had to tell you I was at the driving range but that's just where I was when it happened and I was driving when I left I got in the car and I saw Instagram our tour manager had been in London and he had to get rushed in the hospital the guy's appendix out Paul big Paul. I rang him to make sure he's okay. I haven't spoken for ages but I rang him to make sure he's okay. He started immediately telling us what it felt like. Had it. Straight away. I was like yeah I've got it. So I was like what do you mean by that feeling? What

feeling? And he was like oh I mean, I hope he doesn't mind the same. He was like oh you know no I'm not gonna say it but in the days leading up to it, a couple of things were weird. And I was like, OK, I've had that. I was like, oh, everything. I'm like, oh, it'll be that. I can't stress enough that whenever someone tells us something they've got, I've immediately got it. And I don't do it on purpose.

It's fucking exhausting. I don't think you do it on purpose. We were downstairs earlier on. Can I have my own cancerous mole? But it wasn't. Stop saying that. No, it wasn't. But what if it was? We were downstairs earlier on. Seriously, you were literally gonna be like,

do you know what I mean? I've got it too, we have to have everything the same. We were downstairs earlier on and you did me a tea cake and you hardly put any butter on it, there's no butter at all, it all goes on your stuff. And you went, it's not fair, because you have as much butter as you want. How can you have it and you're still so slim?

And I said, try, try living in my head where every single ailment you hear, you've immediately got. And it's not on purpose, it's not, oh, I want that too. Oh, I'll have a bit of that. It's, I don't know what's wrong. And just anxiety and that's why I'm so slim. Not fucking BJJ, I think it's honestly, I'm just worrying myself thin.

I know for a fact that you are genuinely helping a lot of people who listen to this podcast because on loads of the questions, it's from people who think exactly the same as you. I was only on purpose. You're not alone, no, think exactly the same as you. So you're not alone. No, I'm just saying you're not alone. It's fucking exhausting, man. And I'm saying it, yeah, I'm saying it myself.

There is no chance in this world that just because you're on the phone to Paul and he's telling you about how he had his appendix out, that you've magically got it as well. That's not how the fucking world works. Is the overriding thought that you have? Yeah, well, the other voices. Wow. Yeah.

It's like, oh, look, that thing on the table there, that's blue. And your head's going, yeah, it's blue, it's blue. But there's another voice going, but is it blue? Wow. Is it really blue? I find it really interesting. What if it's not blue?

I find it really interesting. It's nuts. Because there's a person who just, I don't have that at all. Johnny Vegas had it in his book. In Johnny Vegas' book, Kevin Elden, the comedian Kevin Elden comes in and he's the voice of Johnny Vegas.

Johnny Vegas got the same thing and he's the voice of his worry. And he goes, God, I was, I remember listening to the audio book and I was driving back from a gig in New York, driving down like a country road, getting ready to go towards the A1 or the A19. And Kevin Eldon comes in out of nowhere and goes, it's cancer. And I had to fucking, I nearly crashed my car. I had to pause it. It was It's cancer. And I had to fucking, I nearly crashed my car. I had to pause it. It was great, but terrifying. Comes in out of nowhere, a different voice.

You listen to an audio book and a different voice comes in and says that. Oh my God. But yeah. It's a mess up there in the old Ramsey brain. Bless you, darling. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for questions from the public.

Questions from the public. Fucking hell. I, yeah, not many questions from the public! Questions from the public! Not many questions from the public because we've had a good old chat. We've had a little nitty-nitty Nora. You can tell we haven't spent the weekend together. We can tell we've actually been awesome with each other's company. This is exciting, isn't it? Listen... Go on, say it.

Love you! There it is, well done. Go on, say it. Go on, say it. Love you. There it is, there it is. Well done. Love you too. Okay. Dear Rosie and Chris, just listen to what you would have done if you saw those boys coming out the lift after they stuck their middle finger up at you. Yeah.

At the metro centre. Tragic times. Yeah. So, going back 15 years ago, me and my wife, in brackets now, ex-wife. Sorry, to anyone who didn't hear, I was walking towards a lift and on a long corridor in a shopping centre,

and just as the lift door closed the two youths in The lift just as it was closing beyond the point of being able to open it while I was still about 10 meters away Flick the VZ's just as it was closing manhood gone love them carry on main my wife So now ex-wife had just had our second child She must have been only two weeks old and my wife had had some complications after the birth So we were both very much sleep deprived. Remember those first two weeks? Oh no, that's the point.

You don't, your brain goes delete this. Yeah I know. I mean I very much still remember. One evening I heard a knock on the door and there was no one there. A few minutes later there was another knock again. Again, went to answer it and no one there. At the front of our house was a pathway and under one of the pathway lights there were two kids hiding and laughing. Sorry under the light? Must be like the street light. But are they

fucking stupid? Worst place to hide ever. Clearly not very. Billy Jean video. I old are they? We're just hiding under a light. Quick let's hide under this light. Down down down. They're hiding there laughing right so they're just you know whatever. Stupid. Yeah. Fair enough. I know they might not be living on the cul-de-sac very lot but it's an itchy ear. Great. Listen as someone who was incredible at whatever you call it knock your door neighbor, knock down ginger, knock your nine door, knock, knock, run or whatever. You wouldn't have been hidden under no street lights. Just fucking joking. If anything, I'd have climbed up top the bull belt then hidden under the street light. Yeah, of course, of course.

Street's were mine. So listen to this, right? They're hiding there, they're laughing under the street light. I saw red and grabbed the closest thing to me, which was an umbrella, and chased them up the road. Just as I did my dad who lives two roads up from me also linked to the same path phoned me I assumed to see how we all were after the baby to which I said if you see some kids grab them they've just been knocking on my door. The two kids split up and I chased one and after a bit I thought I should probably stop as it's not really a good luck chasing a ten year old

boy up the road with an umbrella. Again what you gonna do when you catch him? Dunno. He's just sleep deprived like he's just pissed off that you're not gonna throw it anyway. Chasing him down the street with an umbrella like a fucking Dickensian gentleman. I know my dad did that once upon a time did I tell you. With a spade. With a spade. Yeah yeah. Well with the lads who were I mean they were really aggressive and I think they glassed the next door's porch in. Right okay. But I mean had nothing to do with my dad, to get involved with, and he had no top on,

imagine how embarrassing that was for me. I was literally like, dad, why are you running around the streets where I play out, with a spade and native top? Get in the house! Legend, in my opinion, legend status. Not when you're like, I don't know how old I was, it was just mortifying.

Anyway, I started to walk back down to my house and just about to go inside where my dad phones me back. I will never forget the next sentence my dad said to me until this day, until the day I die. He said, son, I've grabbed one of the kids and he's in the car and I'm taking him back to his parents. I was like, what? How do you know where he lives?

Brackets of kidnapped a child. Kidnapped a kid? Dad replied, I don't, but I forced it out of him. Jesus. Wow. So when dad told me where he lived, I walked over the street this kid lived on. And there was my dad banging on the kid's front door. The kid's dad answered the door followed by the kid's mum. The mum started going mad, but the dad stopped her and said that

there has to be a reason. Dad explained what had happened and then the kid went back indoors with his parents. I waited by dad's car so we'd have to drive me home. When he was driving me home I asked dad what had happened. He told me he just grabbed him and chucked him in the car. Good God. I told dad that I don't think he should have done that. I mean what of it being a different kid? Just so happened to be running past him not the actual kid. Just so he can't grab the chippy. Just literally kidnapped the kid like absolutely shouldn't have done that. You get in here! Where do you live? Right this little town. Mom I don't know what he's talking about. Imagine how traumatizing. Anyway luckily the next day I had a note put through my letter

box saying sorry from this kid so at least I know that my crazy dad did grab the right kid. Wow. Mad. Wow. I just thought it was crazy. I did see, yeah, they got the newborn. But I remember when we did it a couple of times when we were younger and if someone had a newborn baby, it was like, you went, oh. Not then.

You felt like, look, don't, we've got to be, you'd go, oh, sorry. It was like an unwritten rule. It was like, sorry about that. We'll go and play somewhere else. Or if they worked night shift or something. If you knew somebody was, yeah, I know, respect. Respect. Yeah.

Yeah. It was, oh, I used to love no one. Yeah. Yeah. It was a, I used to love Nolan. My friend. I've talked about him in standup before. I've talked about him in standup years ago, but like, what used to be was? I just had a memory. My friend, my friend from school, we were coming back from the chip shop at school. I think it was about year 10 or year 11, right?

Yeah. And she knew we were playing it. She knocked on someone's door. We all ran and she pissed herself. She pissed herself? You don't knock on someone's door when you need to piss. I swear to God she pissed herself. Wow. So the plan was to play the game, run and do it, but you pissed her pants?

Well, I ran and I didn't know where she was! And you're on your way back to school? Yes! This is terrible behaviour! Oh God! So don't knock, right! I miss school so much! Don't knock, pathetic! Don't knock in your uniform!

Don't knock on your way back to school and definitely don't knock when you need a piss! You've got to have an empty bladder when you do it But again, I thought about me stand up years ago There were everyone had that nut I made who would start a game of knocking on doors and running without Consulting the rest of the group. Oh yeah just doing it and then you'd be like are you kidding me? You'd just stand and chatting and they would just knock on the door and you all just had to fucking peg it Got them, it was incredible. Got the wrong shoes on and that. And again, I too had a show talked about for years and years and years and every single place I went

I don't know if I mentioned this on the podcast, but every single place I went, I asked what they called it. Oh yeah, you did. Knock Down Ginger, Knock Knock Run, Knock Your Door Neighbor, Ding Dong Dash. Knock Your Nine...what was it? Knock Your Nine Doors. We used to call it... We called it Knock Your Door Neighbor. We used to call it Knock Your Door Neighbor. Again, sorry if I've said this before, but did I ever tell you the last show I did that routine in ever was in Belfast? Right. Did I tell you what they call it? Oh, it's

no, I can't remember. Tell us. Belfast. Oh, listen, that deserves a little round of applause. Unbelievable. That's beautiful. I stood on stage in silence for like five minutes. I went, what? They went Belfast. I went, you call it? They went Bell-fast. And did they all agree? So it wasn't just Belfast? Yeah. And I was just, I was like, that's fucking perfect. Oh God. Took my breath away there. I'm getting a bit emotional. Just love it when someone just loves stuff like that. That happens quite, you know, the modern age of that, the modern day of that, is sometimes on Instagram, right?

I hate to bring it to Instagram, but somebody- You're addicted, it's not your problem. I am addicted. But somebody will like, there'll be something on and then the top comment, and it's sometimes, it's really funny, and I think, god, well done. Well, it's reviewed, innit? So, the most people who like it, it'll go to the top.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's obviously cream of the crop. Just brilliant, just brilliant. Side note, do you have any idea how fucking furious I was that that was the last one of the tour and I could never mention that anyway. I bet. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hi guys, listen to the episode where Rosie insisted on wearing an Apple watch while shagging.

I can't remember saying that. Yeah. But we need to get the steps in. There it is. I thought I'd just confirm and I actually knew this, but it's the way that they phrase this, which is really interested me. So, I just confirm that they also count when you're wanking someone off. Did you know that?

Why am I being downgraded? Well, it says, yeah, as I once found out when my Fitbit buzz loads to congratulate me on meeting my daily step goal at the exact time my boyfriend of the time came for a hand job." Right. So there you go. Who just comes around for a hand job? Very, very sanitary that, innit? I must have been in very vanilla relationships. Like never once have I been in a relationship and I've just been like, do you want to come over for a hand job?

I go all the way to yours when I've got two hands relationship and I've just been like, do you want to come over for a handjob? I'd go all the way to yours, but I've got two hands myself. Like, yeah. No. Weird, isn't it? Isn't it funny what people do? I don't get that. Really odd. Just like, yeah, come over.

That was the bit that interested us, I knew that. I knew you can get your steps in with ones. I don't want to get too disgusted in here, but I don't know why, I don't understand why people stop at the wank. Hmm. Feels odd. What do you mean? Well, unless you've got a mouth full of coleslaw's, and you... Coleslaw's? Coleslaw? but I don't know why, I don't understand why people stop at the wank. Hmm. Feels odd. What do you mean?

Well unless you've got a mouth full of coleslaw's, and you, coleslaw's? Coleslaw? A mouth full of, let's see. We've got a mouth full of coleslaw. A mouth full of coleslaw. Unless you've got a mouth full of colesaws, or coleslaw, colesaws,

I don't understand why it doesn't go the rest of the way. I don't know. It's just, what kind of mood is it? What, just. Who knows? Who knows? Yeah, it's interesting. And I've said so many times. Makes us a bit sad. I don't know. It's just, what kind of mood is it? What, just. Who knows? Who knows? Yeah, it's interesting.

I've said so many times. This is a bit sad. So many times when girls are like, when I was younger and they'd go, and then I give them a blowjob. And I'm like, what else happened? And they're like, that was it. And I'm like, oh, God, that was your night.

And they're like, button. And they're like, yeah. And then, and then, so we're kissing. And then I give them a blowjob. And then, and then, yeah. And I'm like, I give him a blow job, and then, and then yeah, and I'm like, so anything? On the way home, I went to Mark's, he's gonna go to Malthol and Coleslaw.

Unless supermarket are available. Coleslaw and Colesaw, just far too close. Well, whoever named Coleslaw really needs a fucking talking to, because they have done, you know what I mean? It's just too, too close for me. Yeah, it's not cool at all, yeah. Oh, have you tried my new dish? Athlete's Fnut.

Do you want a couple of plates of Athlete's Fnut? Sorry, sounds like athlete's foot. It's not, it's athlete's Fnut, and it's actually salad cream and loads of other bits of shit. Well, I don't want that, it sounds awful. I love salad cream. Yeah.

Do you want some, oh, Manuka honey. That's close to Varuka as well. They want to sort themselves out. Manuka honey. Honestly, let's take them all down. Varuka honey. Great. Not a thing. I haven't seen Varuka for years. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shad Marinoid. The votes have been counted and verified and we can confirm that we are part of the EARCAST creator network. Great work, absolutely, absolutely fantastic stuff. There's a panorma, My House is out now in supermarkets and bookshops. I'm currently on Pointless and my stand-up show is on Sky

and Now TV on the 18th of September. Chris Timber really is upon us. Merry happy festive Chris Timber day. When's my month? Listen, why do you need a month? I want a month. Every, well, you- What about Rose Annuary? Let's see what we can do.

Okay, let's see what I can do. Probably nothing. I think some of my stuff's coming out. I don't even know. Roch. Again, sounds itchy. Yeah, well which one can I have then? Raperl? God almighty! Bye! Gonna have to rebrand that. God! Worse than Cold Slow. Bye!