Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 292. Pea and Hamished

Episode Date: October 25, 2024

On the podcast this week The Ramey's discuss calling in sick, anxiety dreams and Chris' car problems. They have some IRL sex swing correspondence and a wonderful SMA has sent in a musical contribution! There is some more Would Rosie Eat, some illness related beefs and a QFTP involving a catheter! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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No matter how unique the small business, Canada Post supports them all. Like Debbie's scented candles with names like brunch and girl dinner. Ooh, nice Deb. Celebrate Small Business Month with free shipping Tuesdays this October. Visit CanadaPost.ca slash Small small business month. Hello you're listening to Shag Mardinoid with me Rosie

Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Hello it's a bit nasally we've both got a little bit of a cold. Rosie's feeling worse than me. Our exact words were just before we started you're gonna have to carry this because I don't feel very well. So welcome to- I mean, listen, there was absolutely no need to tell you guys that. Welcome to the Chris Ramsay show. It used to be on Comedy Central. Nobody wants that back.

Now it's on here. Hey, hey, you told me the other day that it was a good show. Don't you dare, don't you dare. I'm worried that because when I talk, I just need to cough. Yeah. This is not a good job to have.

No. Why can't we have sick days? We can't have sick days. I mean we can, the days we weren't doing this. We had a bit of a sick day yesterday, but I know what you mean. We was really busy yesterday. Well alright then, well we haven't had a sick day. I don't know. We can't, like sharks man, stay still you die. I want a normal job.

You can't have a normal job. I want a normal job again. I want to take a week off sick. Yeah, you can't, you don't, you ever. I, as partner in this, as partner with you, both bosses, I will, I refuse to let you take a week off sick. I have to, I mean, we have talked about this a lot though, but the anxiety that I feel about thinking about when I used to ring in sick for places, when you're genuinely sick, they'll know, they'll think I'm lying. It was horrible. What a horrible feeling. Did I ever tell you the total schoolboy I added once when I just, I told, I phoned up and I tried to be honest. I phoned up all sports and I tried to be honest. I went, I'm going to be honest.

I was out last night. Oh yeah. When you had a hangover. Yeah. I went, I feel terrible. Is it okay if I don't come in? They went, no. I went, okay, nice chat. See you soon. I was like, why have I done that? Why have I done that? Gutted. That was the tall trees the night before in Yarm and I drank so much. Oh Jesus. Yeah I drank so much blue wicked or blue something like a knock off of blue wicked. Oh what's it? Poo was green. VK. Poo was green. Might have been called VS you know. It was actually one further down from VK. It was blue VS. Wow. Oh you thought about your forever chemicals

and all that. Fucking hell. Honestly. Jesus. Yeah, it was, might as well just ate like, I don't know, some kind of plastic action figure. Anyway, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening, you wonderful people. This is episode 292.

Eee, what we're gonna do for 300? Nothing. We'll say loads and then we'll do now. Yeah, we'll do now like we always do. Or we could do a plonk cast again, possibly. We have not done a plonk cast for ages, actually. Okay then, but we'll do that. we always do. Or we could do a plonk cast again possibly. We have not done a plonk cast for ages actually. Okay then, but we'll do that. We'll do it on a night, we'll probably get childcare,

and we'll do like a proper nighttime plonk cast for 300. That would be good, okay. And we'll get fucking starting, and we'll shout at each other, and we'll fight. What's gonna be your drink? Let's not fight. What's gonna be your drink of choice? It'll have to be wine, because beer just makes us burp.

Yes. So there it is. What you thinking? Oh, I'm in my red wine era right now. Well, what we got here, we've got two now, so it's gonna be eight weeks time. Oh, it'll be fully red wine. Oh, red wine. What do you think it would be like bloody summer? Summer next year. Absolutely not. Sometimes I don't know. You know what, like, you know when you order like a sofa or some curtains or something and they're like, it's gonna be 16 weeks. I'm like, well, how old will I be? Will I still need them? Yeah, that and then, Jesus, what you putting in?

Bloody unicorn dust. Yeah, you are. Was it always like this? Did we just not know when we were kids? Does stuff always take this long? I don't know. It's fucking mad. I know, it is mad. It's mad how long stuff takes. Yeah.

Oh, shout out to the people who've got my car, by the way. That was fun. Oh. So I got it. I don't even want to name the company because I don't want to slag them off, but I'm used to it. So ridiculous. So I got a thing on my car saying, a recall. You've got a recall for your car, meaning something's up with it and they've spotted something with a batch of them, so they need it back in. Is it because it's electric? Well, that was it. So, one of them was a recall for the battery. Hang on, I just need to have a little cough.

Brilliant. Wow! Wow what? Am I dying? No, you've got a cough. Fucking hell. I got a recall for them and I phoned them up and I was like, it's a thing for the battery or something. They're like, oh yeah, no rush. And I was like, right.

And I got another one on it on the little dashboard scene and there's another nationwide recall, something about the break fucking hoses. Break hoses. I was like, that sounds a bit more serious. They're like, yeah, you should probably bring it in. Send it in. They've had it for two weeks. I was supposed to get it back yesterday.

This is hilarious. Bloke founders, sheepish as fuck. I could tell something was up, right? Cause he went, you be me, right? You be me. Right, okay. Hello. Hello, Mr. Ramsey. It's such and such from that company

that I've got your car. How are you? Oh, I'm very good. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. How are you? Are you all right? No, yeah, I'm great.

That's what he did. That's what he did. Where's me car? He asked us twice. He said, how are you? I asked him, he said, I'm fine, how are you? I went, what's happened? Oh no.

What's happened? And he went, look, I'm really sorry. So they fixed it, they did it. The whole thing with the battery took 66 hours apparently. They fucked it up once, they had to start it again. The phone doesn't told us that two weeks ago. They've had my car nearly a month. They cleaned it, valeted it, waxed it a lot,

went to pull it out the valet and bay. Instead of going forward, reversed it in another car. I mean I mean found us to say we've crashed your car when you they're gonna order a bump so it's got a new full new back bumper they've got to order a new back bumper from Germany it's gonna take 10 days oh there's a clue to what kind of make it is unbelievable unbelievable as a person, it makes it no different to me. I don't know. I didn't know it was a German car. Brilliant. So that's devastating.

Fuming. And then what? And then I was like, what's going to happen after that? I was like, what if like the brake thing? We're very lucky we've got two cars. Yeah, some people are. Like, what would you do? A lot of my friends have only got one car.

They'd be absolutely screwed. How would you get them to work? That's the thing I said to them. I was like, well, can I get a courtesy car? Well, if you want a courtesy car, you can't bring your car in until like the 27th of November. I was like, but you said there's something wrong with the brakes. He was like, well, it could be.

I was like, so what am I supposed to do? Oh, mate, your car's nagged. Okay, can I have a courtesy? Oh, no. Right? Fucking Russian roulette on the school run. Like, what the hell? You've had no luck.

I've had no luck. I've had no luck. Well, one time as well, I had a car years ago with a private red John and I sold the car part extra for my car and the sold it with the private reg on some fuckers drive around with my private edge I couldn't get it back because of data protection they couldn't tell us who that sold it to I lost me private edge didn't get no fire yeah that's what happened years ago yeah I'm bad at haggling as well just said to the guy I went out yesterday on? I went yesterday on the phone room, I went, you've had me car for nearly a month.

I went, so do I get one of my monthly payments back? He went, oh, I can't help you with that. But do you like Lego? I went, yeah. Is that what you're getting? A Lego car? A remote control Lego car. I'm so excited.

But you've had to pay it. That will not be worth the payment that you have paid. That's not worth the money. That's not worth the money I'm paying. But he knew who he was dealing with. He saw me coming a mile away. Are you going to get that money back? No, no, no, not at all.

Kirsty What? Adam Remote control Lego car. Kirsty Listen, we'll wrap it up for Christmas. Adam You're joking, aren't you? I'll build it first. Kirsty No, wrap it up for... Adam So, what's wrong? We're getting nothing out of this. The kids are getting it. Kirsty Yeah. Adam Might as well got three fucking magic beans off them. Listen,

right, that's Sadness Society. It's time for this week's lucrative, li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i- Oh God, horrible last night, I woke up sweating. You go, like honestly, it's the dream of sitting down at the exam and you haven't revised. It's that times a million. Horrible, what? I had a dream the other night and it was very vivid. I'm just, I was weaning in public. What does that mean? It means you've been reading too many of the emails

that people are sending in for this fucking podcast. That's exactly what it means. Just dead quickly. Can I just guess? Can I just guess? Can I guess here? Can I guess please? Can I guess?

I feel like it means there that you feel vulnerable and open and you feel like everyone knows your business or something or you're something daft like that. I feel like it means something daft like that. Okay, ready? Yeah. Just as water is used in many spiritual traditions for purification rituals, urination and dreams may represent the release of impurities or negative energy allowing for spiritual growth and renewal.

So it means get that out. Brackets also means you might piss the bed. No. When you used to piss the bed. It can mean you feel watched and vulnerable. Told you. Just said that. I just said that. Did you? Oh you tinned the piss? I just literally said that.

No I think you'll find that I'm actually pissing in your dreams. Yeah. When you used to piss in your dreams and when you used to actually piss the bed when you were a kid, did you ever dream that you were on the toilet? Because I used to do that. No, I think you'll find that I'm actually pissing in your dreams. Yeah, when you used to piss in your dreams and when you used to actually piss the bed when you were a kid, did you ever dream that you were on the toilet? Cause I used to do that. I used to dream I would stand in front of the toilet and then I would wake up and I'd piss myself. I don't think I ever pissed the bed as a kid. Come on man, you shat yourself at school.

Of course you pissed the bed, you must've. I didn't, that's what I thought. There's no one on this planet who shits themselves at school who hasn't pissed the bed. No, okay, so you can remember a lot more. My mom can remember being like three. Yeah, she's lying. No, honestly, she's...

She's lying. I don't want nobody else. I love you. She's lying. I don't want nobody else and it's true. She's lying. That is one of the best songs ever made and I will not hear it. Ain't no doubt it's plain to see. Do do do do do do do do.

Worma like you's no good for me. Go on Jimmy. Right okay I would like that at my funeral. Oh that's a nice little happy little bit there. But write it down. Because honestly that is, I think that is one of my favourite songs. We are on shuffle today. This has gone all over the fucking houses.

Anyway so I feel watched and vulnerable. Which is that absolutely no surprise to me. Yeah it's this job isn't it. Anxiety Dreams don't stand up because in a week's time I'm doing that gig in whole fantastic lineup but shit me pants cuz I haven't done stand up for ages why do I do this what I don't know I don't know why you do this right and it really it really pisses me off because you do these things you book these wild gigs in yeah and then all I hear is that you worried about it and then afterwards and then after it you do it and you go great and I am a shaken quivering mess in the

corner having to have looked after you what I'm not being funny you haven't done stand-up for a while since I recorded that special for Sky okay why are you doing it whole arena because it's an arena offered and they said do you want to do this and I said go on then no but you know what else in the diary listen if you are going to see it it's a great lineup and you are very good at standup you're better at standup than you are at anything else that you do oh this is what I try to tell you every time that you get freaked out about it because I don't worry about you doing stand up you could go on stage and just talk shit for 40 minutes and be fine.

That's what I will do. That's exactly what I'm planning to do. So, there you go. But anyway, how am I gonna get over my worry of being watched? I used to always think I was being watched as a kid. Did you? I was like adamant that there was a camera in my bathroom. Oh, I've told you this before. I used to take the bathroom mirror off the floor to have a shit. Off the wall to have a shit. Yeah. I told you this. Took I used to take the bathroom mirror off the floor to have a shit, off the wall to have a shit. Yeah.

I told you this, took the bathroom mirror off and put it down to the side. Couldn't watch us have a shit. Was that like a weird millennial thing? Do you think we were just- I was off watching True Lies, on True Lies, the film True Lies, where the mirror-

That Jamie Lake Curtis? Yeah, yeah, where there's a, what they call the, do they call it a two-way mirror or a one-way mirror? I don't know what it is. Anyway, it's where you can see through and one side's mirrored. Yeah. Yeah. So that was off, that's one side's mirrored. Yeah, yeah.

So that's what it was off. Wow. Yeah. God. All that, all that. Let's have a fucking jingle, eh? Let's have a jingle. Let's have a little jingle jangle, shningle shnangle,

because it's nearly Christmas. Oh God. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Jingle!

Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Mardinoid. As always we're just dead happy to have you here. Thank you for coming back. We are, we are, we are. Lovely, lovely, lovely. I haven't told you this yet. Ooh. But we, this is just a nice little story about why our family and why I feel like we're a bit mad.

Why did I go there? Oh, I went, I took Rafe to the doctor's on Saturday. Yes. Because you had to get the nasal spray. For his flu thing, yeah. Ah, you're such a good boy and you did really well. raved to the doctors on Saturday. Yes. Because you had to get the nasal spray. For his flu thing, yeah. Ah, you're such a good boy and you did really well. And then there's a little library in the doctors.

Uh-huh. And we went in the library and the kids were looking at the books and I thought, oh this is lush because I never, my mom takes them to the word, I never take them to the library right. A bit crap like that. The word is a library. The word is a library in South Shields.

And they were looking around and it was dead sweet and Robin like went off and I was like, oh he must looking at the books literally right he came back I swear this kid is just right he came back right with a book he'd found this page how he found this page in this book right and he was like mom look at this and I was like I was like oh what is it thinking it'd be like a good Harry Potter or something like that Literally the book was called unfortunate ways people are murdered, right? Don't know Chris he was always looking bad. He must have only been out me sight for about three minutes No, and three like maybe even less right and he's fit. He's like grinning like a cheshire

Just me just making a little note here in my dad versus mom tally that I've been running for some years that you let him out with your sight in public for three minutes. He's nearly nine. He's fine. Just making a little note of that now. In the library. So the book's called Unfortunate Ways People Are Murdered, right? And he found this page in like the middle of the book,

not just at the first page or something like that. And it was a drawing. So it was like, it was quite an old book, it wasn't a new book. Yeah, that doesn't sound like something they would bring out now, but okay. It was a little drawing in the corner of this book. I didn't take a picture of it because I literally was like, Robin, put that away. And it was a drawing of a woman bent over with a wooden spike stuck in her backside. For fuck's sake.

And I don't think he actually really knew what the picture was. Or did he? Because he showed me. Oh, God. Can I just say it? It wasn't, it sounds really harrowing. It wasn't that harrowing.

It was quite like a jokey sort of drawing. Like a cartoon. Like a cartoony drawing. And you know when you're just like, why? Why? Out of all the books? Yeah. Have you found, like... He's always been that kid.

I thought libraries were safe places. No, no, yeah, no, of course not. No, see, knowledge is dangerous. Yeah, so I just thought great. And he was like, I don't know, he wasn't really, he was just kind of like shocked and I was just kidding. But he's the kid, but he is that kid. He can find the thing.

Did you, first of all, did you ever, when you were younger, me and my mates do this all the time, if we ever got, this tells you how good my junior school was, like we'd often do crosswords, not a crossword, a word search, you'd often get a word search. What, at school? When you were at school? Yeah, yeah, when I was at school,

you'd often get a word search. Yeah, yeah, loved a word search. Always found the word sex in a word search. You did? Always. Of course you did. Always found the, ah, no. Like literally, yeah, Robin isved a word search. Always found the word sex in a word search. You did? Always. Of course you did. Always found the, like, literally. Yeah, Robin is just a little you.

He's a little you. Nobody's that kid. So, and also, we were saying this the other day, Robin is the kid where you will go, right, this random toy that he hasn't touched for five years has been kicking around, I'm sick of it. You throw it in the bin, an hour later, he'll randomly appear and go,

where's me favourite thing that I love, that I've always cherished, that I haven't touched for eight, where is that thing, or the thing I just fucking threw away? He's that kid, he's 100% that kid. But we love him. We do, we do. That's how they get you. That's how they get you.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. So I was talking to my mate this morning, and obviously he listens to the podcast because he's a good friend and he showed me, while I was with him, he quickly phoned his mate and he went send us those two photos that you showed me. So I'm standing there waiting and normally like, you know, when you're a comedian, regularly people go, you have to see this. It's the funniest thing ever.

And I go, oh God, you have to see this, it's the funniest thing ever. And I go, oh God, I want to die. However, he gets these photos sent through and he turns and he shows us these photos from his mate who's a surveyor. So his mate went into this house and walked into a room in the house. And the guy apparently turned around and went,

oh, I should have moved this before you came in here. And then opened the door further. And what the man saw inside, I've shown you the photo of it. I would say I would put it online, but I don't want to put this online for everyone. But it was a full, I showed you Rosie, full sex swing. Full four poster sex swing set up. Most interesting part of the photo for me. Did you notice the spare bits of the same colour carpet Yeah Underneath it for friction So the carpet doesn't get ruined Yeah

And what was the other thing Rose? Oh The light bulb? Oh the red light bulb Red light bulb Fucking disgusting Fucking vile Um so I can't get turned on

Mm By things if I see little practical things It was a ick It was a sex swing ick It was a pure ick Because all I can see Is some bloke who loves this sex swing swing cutting out bits of fun, cutting out bits of carpet going well

I don't want to ruin the floor. And then I go oh God. So no, so he's put the sex rig up They've had a shot on it. He's went I've slept bloody dint in the carpet of that moir. It's left dint And he's went I've still got some in the garage and he's went in the garage You know still half erect he's went in the garage with his Stanley knife And he's cut off some bits of the carpet and he's put it underneath., you know, still half erect. He's went in the garage with his Stanley knife and he's cut off some bits of the carpet and he's put underneath. Practical, but awful. Yeah, but it's like when people put little bits of carpet

underneath, you know, like the roller, the rolly, sorry, the rolly things under, what are they called, man? Under settees. Oh, under settee legs and stuff, yeah, under sofas. Yeah, when you put a spare bit of sofa, you spare a bit of carpet, did not ruin your carpet. Yeah, yeah. And then, and then, the other photo we sent...

Hang on, I wanna talk about a sex queen just really quickly. We're not getting one. I actually do think though, I don't want one. It's just, take up too much room and you could sit and have a coffee, I suppose. Anyway... So, you want a hammock, love. Can I just stop you right there? You just need a hammock. I would love a hammock.

I don't know if people know their private joke. Oh, the private joke is anytime we look in any room at all, whenever we are doing any kind of, basically if I want me pool table or some kind of man cave anywhere in a house, I'm not allowed cause Rosie and her mom decide that that room would be a perfect room to sit and have a coffee.

They just want rooms where you can sit and have a coffee. I actually do think though, OK, hear me out here. As a as quite a lazy person in the bedroom, never used to be. But, you know, just can't be asked, Chris. Right. You know, I'll just live. You go on top. I'll live it happily. Will will, you know, make a cough now and then. No, no, I do enjoy it. But.

Just getting lazy. I think a sex swing, there's so much less to do. That you are one lazy fucker. That was it. You don't even have to do anything. Just sit there and look. But it is, to me, a sex swing, right? It's like a stener, what are they called? Stener stairlift. It's like a sex swing, right? Like, it is like, it's like a stener, like what they're called? Stener stairlift. It's like a fucking stairlift. It's like a bath with a door. It's a sex equipment bath with a bath with a door.

I feel like it is to just help. I think they'd be great. I actually think they're great. So you think, is there any party that thinks maybe they were invented initially for the geriatric community and then they were? Yes. Yeah, and then someone went, actually, do you know what, Nana?

Can I borrow this? Yeah. I'm tired. Honestly, maybe it's not to be sniffed at. Like, wouldn't it be better, though? You wouldn't have to do much moving. You just do your arms. Like a lateral row? Yeah. Do you know what I mean, though?

You wouldn't have to do much. It's the admin, like I said. It slipped out and you prodded us in the wrong bit. Well there's only one hole, we've just been over that. One big one stop shop. Listen, the other photo we sent us... I don't know how they were actually fully worked though, like actually... I definitely don't want to see a video one, I'll tell you that right now. You have to have like a pole dick, I definitely don't want to see a video one. I'll tell you that right now.

You have to have like a pulled dick, like a massive... I don't understand. I don't get it. What if you've set it wrong? Here's a question. What would there be a big... The wrong height? Yeah, what if you've set it the wrong height and he quickly, your fella has to quickly go and stand on one of them

look like hair stools? Absolutely not. That would put you off, wouldn't it? Absolutely not. I've set it to the wrong height, but I've put the tools away and I'm ready now. Right, and the kids are back soon. Right. I'll just stand on the little crotchet. Horrible. It would actually take a lot. I've changed my mind. It would take a lot of core work. Too much admin.

Anyway, it's just a good thing about. Now listen, the other photo I had, which was obviously from the same house, which was next to the jacuzzi. Again having this in your personal private residence is so upsetting. There was a laminated, I'm showing it there love, a laminated sign next to the jacuzzi that says no sexual intercourse or ejaculation allowed in the jacuzzi. Please respect that this jacuzzi is used by others. You all need shot Can you think of that? Doesn't say you can't well done for spotting a loophole. Thank you. Enjoy the jacuzzi It's time for

Would Rosie eat Little little there was a little speed bump in that burp, but that was a really good burp that one. And I don't feel sick, so thank you everyone for your kind love, thoughts and praise at this time. So you're still doing this, are you? Still doing it, still loving it. Every email is fucking gold. Literally don't have to delete any of them.

There's about 50 odd of them in there that I haven't read. I just keep doing a couple now and then, couple episode and I'll just keep ticking through them. I've got a few for you to fire at you. Loving it. Our friend Chloe, who listens to the podcast messaged me last night. It's quite late.

Actually I was in bed about quarter past 10 and it just said, it just said would Rosie eat, dot dot dot dot right. And literally somebody, somebody has put something on Facebook of fake like crisps. Right. So Schnorkers, okay. Right. My favorite brand of crisps. Brilliant. Actually, yeahorkers, okay. Right. My favorite brand of crisps. Brilliant.

Actually, yeah. No, they're pretty up there. Somebody's made up flavors. Right. And the flavors are knob cheese. Excellent. Grubby minge. Excellent. Wet dog. Oh. Pub sick. Oh! And raw sewage. And she was like, would Rosie eat any of these crisps? And I put, oh my God, vomit face in brackets, depending how hungry I am. That's always it. And that's the beauty of this game. It always depends how hungry you are. And can I tell you right now, ravenous. Ravenous, right. Ravenous. All I've had, what time is it?

Bearing in mind, I've got cold, fever cold, starved fever. I can't say it that way, starved fever, fever cold. It's 12, it's two minutes past 12. Yeah. And I've had a boiled egg and an apple. Right. And a lem sip. Right.

Clammin'. So this is the perfect time to play Wood Rosie Eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is actually. So this first one, this first one is quite, it's quite open-ended and quite philosophical and I do like it. Okay. Would Rosie eat...

Would... Does it even work? Would Rosie eat that duck dish that uses a full bottle of red wine? You know the one you used to make? Oh, me... What? Me duck ragu? Your duck ragu that uses a full bottle of red wine. Unbelievable. Okay. Would you eat that duck dish that uses a full bottle of red wine with a knife and fork?

Well, it is when you have a couple of glasses as well. True. With a knife and fork that could have been absolutely anyway. Yes, absolutely anyway. You'd only know afterwards. Okay, I do love that dish. I would know by the smell, wouldn't I? Don't know. I mean, what if it's just been in my bed? The chances are, and I've been thinking about this a lot since I read it, it could have been anywhere from the packet at the supermarket of the brand new folks yeah, which always washing eyes and folks I don't want on me you I loved I tell you I always wash new plates. I don't I just Excuse me

Are you fucking serious? No you aren't you know I'm not buying total joke So this is why what's wrong with you people, man? They're brand new, what are you watching them for? Because it's been packaged by people in a shop and handled by people and touched by customers? No. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, well, mostly...

Is this why whenever you've ate off a plate, a new plate or whatever, and it's in the dishwasher, I have to peel the fucking sticker off the back of the plate before I turn the dishwasher on. You are a f- you are honestly feral. Disgusting. Right, okay, so we'll play this game now. You've got your duckwig in front of you, a hand you the knife and fork. I've got rubber gloves on, I hand you the knife and fork. They could be anywhere from the packet all the way to washed from our thing, all the way to ground zero Chernobyl, right? Geez Louise. So you're scroning the duck ragu.

Yeah. You've enjoyed it. Yeah. Are you gonna, what's, no, first of all, are you gonna eat the duck ragu? So what I would do, and I know this is silly, right? I would put the ragu on the fork and then I would just put it in my mouth.

I wouldn't put my mouth around the fork. You would drop it. Just drop it in. But it would still be touching the food. I'm not bothered. Do you have any idea how transfer of germs and dirt works? No, you don't. Of course not. You leave your bag everywhere.

Children's pillows, toothbrushes. Yeah. OK. Yeah. So you've done that. You finished it. Yeah. I'm going to tell you where it's been. Right. Where's it been? Festival toilet. Oh, oh my God. You know, I was talking to someone the other night.

It's gone. Whatever I've just... It's gone. It's gone from my mind. Right, well, you know, I'll deal with the consequences later. Got you. Dissonary. Okay, carry on.

Friend of mine. Friend of mine? Her friend, who she was at the festival with, is poo girl. No fucking way. Swear to God. No. Swear to God. Wow! Yeah, apparently she came back. You're way. Swear at the God. No. Swear at the God. Wow.

Yeah, apparently she came back. You're one degree of separation from Poo Girl. I am one degree of separation from Poo Girl. Poo Girl, if anyone doesn't know, is the lass who, bless her, fell into the open trough toilet at these festivals. She came back to their tent and she was like, you're not going to believe what's happened. Do you know what they hosed her down?

They literally hosed her down. I'm surprised she didn't get to public health. I'm surprised she didn't get sent to hospital. She should have been. Well, my friend who I was talking to wouldn't let her back in the tent. I wouldn't let her back in the tent. You literally just cut us off there

while I was about to go. Should have stood outside that fucking tent for three days. Yeah. There's your sleeping bag, you're sleeping in the rain. She was dead upset and everything though. I'm not surprised. God, what a mess. Awful.

Okay, so next one. Yes. So this starts. What? This starts with, okay, I may have taken this too far, but here we go. Would Rosie eat her favourite pig and ham soup when poorly? You're not very well. You're absolutely hamished.

Hamished? You're absolutely... Pig and hamished. You're pig and hamished. You're absolutely famished. You're absolutely famished. No, I like hamished. I'm hamished. You're absolutely hamished. You're absolutely famished. You're absolutely famished. You're not well. No, I like hamished.

I'm hamished, Chris. You're being hamished. You're not well. Yeah. And you're gonna eat your favorite pain ham soup using an Aneosol applicator tip, brackets other pile creams are available, as a straw. Where's it been?

It's been, well. Used rules apply. Usual rules apply, sorry. Dry cloth, wipe clean, not washed. The victim of said hemorrhoid cream is a friend of a friend met once or twice. Seams clean, but you don't really know them. No, I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't. I love seams clean. It's been on their arsehole. Doesn't matter how clean they are, it's been on their arse.

No, I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't. So, I put a lot of thought into this. So, he said, also, PS, I was the one who got the ick from the bloke whose ear went orange when the light shone through it. Oh, I remember that! I remember that. It's the same.

No, I couldn't. I couldn't. And you know what it is? I couldn't, like, out of a syringe. Not enjoyable. It's like a little applicator. So, it's like a, yeah. I'll never use one, Chris.

Liar. I have not. I've never had piles. Yeah, of course not. Even if I had to push for a shape in your. So it's like a, yeah. I've never used one, Chris. Liar. I have not. I've never had piles. Yeah, of course not. You've never had to push for a shite in your life. It just flies out. Now listen. It really does.

Honestly, I've definitely got, I only found out like a couple of years ago that people don't have diarrhea three times a week. What am I allergic to? I'm allergic to something. You need one of them. Test what you've never been asked to get one. Don't be asked.

Because you're scared that they're going to say it's your favourite food. Oh, it'll be something. It'll be something. It need one of them. Test what you've been asked to get one. Because you're scared that they're going to say it's your favourite food. It'll be something. It'll be like, oh, yeah. Oh, pasta, rice and I'll be like, no, don't tell it. Don't. No, they'll go. It's it's it's fish and pickles in brine and pickle juice. And you go, you go. Sorry, I'm going to have to leave.

I can tell you right now what I think it is. I think it's eggs. Eggs. Yeah. What do you think it's eggs? I had a boiled, boiled eggs, not so much, but when they're not fully cooked properly. Right. That's when I'm... Happy days. Mrs. Squirtle. Jesus Christ. Not the good one. Not me egg swing one. Not the pork one. Hope you're well. Was in a rush this morning. I'm actually. I'm on my eighth hour yet to eat because I spent the last of my euros on a giant bottle of Campari so this person is on holiday on the way back just went

for a wee. Ran out of money and spent the money on drinks. Well that's silly. Just went for a wee at the airport toilet seat was covered in piss and loo roll all over the floor I saw a packet of all in capitals unopened cheese on the floor and thought, God, I'm starving. I wonder if Rosie would eat this if she was hungry enough. I'm in Rome and it looked like a slap up bit of sliced mozzarella. No, no. Well, you lost it as a cheese. Have it been a packet of crisps? Unopened from a pissy toilet floor.

Okay then, a packet of crisps, unopened, pissy toilet floor. I don't think I could. No. I don't know. No, it depends. I mean, if you're all starving and you literally have no money left and no way of getting any money. I mean, I would turn it into, you know, Grandad sent this from heaven. He's covered them in piss first. Kirsty- He had a really good sense of humour. Adam- Oh God!

Kirsty- I don't know. No, I don't think I could. Adam- Okay. Okay, good. You're still... You're a lot of dignity here. You're doing very well. Okay. Kirsty- We've never bought... Did we? Oh, does that matter? It's a really shit story. Adam- What? Kirsty- I just thought... Sometimes when we fly back from, is it Magaluf? Is it Magaluf where we fly back from? Oh, Malaga. I never know. There's that shop with loads of ham. Right. I always want some and I never get any. Cool. Stick to the airports now. I'd like to know, would Rosie eat sushi off the rubber handrail

of one of those travellers at the airport? They are disgusting. The sushi, so I love this, the sushi is sat directly on the handrail, no plates, and it's the middle of the summer holidays so plenty of grubby kids have been holding it. Listen to this, this made me laugh so much. In my head I can see her sat at one end with a steady stream of sushi dropping into her open mouth like a conner. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Do you know what it is, right? I've got to tell you right now, you have all gone, you have totally missed the mark because transferable dirt, personally I'm not that bothered about. Like I live my life by the five second rule. Take note everyone, yeah. Oh yeah, it's taking a long time

to come down this travel later. It's going all, you know how long they are, they're fucking 25 meters long, these things. If I was starving and there was no, I would eat it. I would. But I am very much, I always sanitize my hands. Like I don't like eating, I think people who don't wash their hands before eating are vile, right?

I have to wash my hands before I eat. But if I'm absolutely starving, for some reason, my head I can kind of... I can kind of compartmentalise and go, it's just touched it, it doesn't matter. So I feel like it would more be out of this or covered in this. Okay. I don't know. But then how can you do that, I suppose? They've done well. I think it's been good. Okay. Yeah. No, it then how can you do that, I suppose? Adam & Kirsty & Adam's Mom They've done well. I think it's been good. Okay. Yeah. No, it was good. Adam & Kirsty That was...

Adam & Kirsty & Adam's Mom I would eat that. Adam & Kirsty What was it? Eat that conveyor belt? Kirsty What was that sushi we got from you? Sushi? I've not stopped thinking about it. Oh, it was a popcorn. It was the new popcorn shrimp. Adam & Kirsty Oh, popcorn shrimp. Kirsty In a sushi. Oh God, it was absolutely... Adam & Kirsty Absolutely filthy one. Kirsty It was drop deed.

Adam & Kirsty I'd eat that off a conveyor belt. Kirsty I would. That's what I'm thinking. I'm a mate. I am. Adam & Kirsty I'll have it now. Kirsty Come on I'm thinking. I'm just a mate. I am. I'll have it now. Come on hurry up. I'm starving. Okay. This message comes from BetterHelp. Can you think of a time when you didn't feel like you could be yourself? Like you were hiding behind a mask, at work, in social settings, around your family? BetterHelp online therapy is convenient, flexible, and can help you learn to be your authentic self,

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Visit CanadaPost.ca slash Small Business Month. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! It's time for What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Right, nice sex with beef. What's your beef? My beef with you is you ask me so many questions. Every day, from the minute you open your eyes

until the minute you go to bed, it's like having three children. Stop asking us shitty questions. Do you know you do it? Is this because the other morning I asked you? It's been every morning of our life. Because you're quite particular and you rule the house with an iron fist and I need to check before I do something because I'll get told off. It's just easier to ask you than

go and do something wrong. What do you mean? And get told off. So hang on, how is this, no, you ask us like, what's the temperature outside? Well yeah, if I'm busy doing something I'm getting ready and you're sitting on your phone. What do you think the day is going to be'm getting ready and you're sitting on your phone. What do you think the day's gonna be like? You're sitting, so sometimes you're sitting on your phone.

I'm not sitting on, I'm not sitting looking at the weather app though, am I? I'm watching something. How are you gonna prove that? It really irritates us. But you just flick up and just have a look. No. You never, honestly, the amount of stuff I do for you that you ask me to do, I go all over the house and do things for you and I ask you to literally, sometimes I ask you what the time is while you're looking

at your phone and you go, I don't know. And I go, well can you do something? I just fucking move your eyeballs from the middle of the phone just slightly to the top corner and tell us what time it is you lazy fucker. No, nah, I won't have it. I don't think I ask you that many questions. Like stuff that I could just find out myself. That's what I'm annoyed about. My phone was in another room and I was deciding what underpants to put on, right, of how warm I would be outside. I'm joking, I wear the same underpants every day.

I was deciding what clothes to put on and I just was like, what's the temperature outside? And you were like, why am I being cross-examined by the defence? I was hungover as well. You just, you constantly constantly asking us questions. Shut up man. What's this? And then you tell us stuff as well. Like, you know when Robin goes to school, when the kids are at school, you're like,

okay, he's got this, he's got that, he's got this, he's got that. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I read the fucking letters. You should just read the letters from school. And you wouldn't have to tell me or ask me. I'd just like to check. I'd just like to check. Because I have sent him in on a non-uniform day once in full uniform, and dare I say it, I was fucking 30 seconds away from doing it the other day.

Where was I? We didn't, neither of us knew that time. It was like non-uniform and Lego day, and I sent him in full uniform with no Lego, it was ridiculous, I go back up to school. And then the other day I was like, I was just about to leave the house with him, and you were like, it's non-uniform today,

and I didn't know. Guess what, because I hadn't fucking asked you. Boom. Read the letters. Listen, I am busy. I'm too busy checking the weather app. You're too busy asking me all the questions. Do you wanna hear my beef?

Oh no. My beef with you is, right? First of all, your stupid fucking cough, let's do me tits in. I've said it before. It's genuinely, I didn't sleep last night. I've said it before that you have got the loudest cough on the planet. Do you think?

It's something to do with your singing ability. It's something to do with how you can project your singing. You die from. Your coughs are like, they just fucking go through us. They're so loud and like you go like, and you do a breath before and I'm like, oh, and I like brace myself. Like I'm on a plane and it's going to fucking hit some turbulence. I like feel it

Fuck here comes again And the worst bit is there it is She's doing away from the mic, it's so fucking loud Right, and then and then recently yesterday you did it I'm not sure what you must did it about about six times, and nearly fucking flipped me later, but I just had to write it down. When we're sitting talking, when we're sitting talking, right, today, as we're doing the podcast,

because there's a microphone in front of you, you've been turning away, but yesterday we were sitting talking, and you would start a coffin fit, and the first one would just get fucking blasted, full force into my face. I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear, when I'm with child, I'm telling you, you looked as you were talking like that, you just went like PAH! And the first one, full on David Walliams computer says no little Britain, blasted into my face and then you turned and started coughing away.

And I was like, she's done this multiple times now. I'm so sorry. Fucking awful. I'm so sorry. Fucking awful. I'm so sorry. Awful. Do you not find though, coughs really come like, they're like, they really just take us by surprise.

They don't take you by surprise because the breath you take before you cough, you know there's a cough coming. Sometimes I've been having a conversation and I'm like, We watched that documentary about them, people who go and swim and touch the bottom of the ocean and come back up. You take a breath like they do before they go, now watched that documentary about them people who go and swim and touch the bottom of the ocean and come back up you take a breath like they do

before they go no when you're about to cough Come over here, cough, fucking covered in seawater, a bit of sand from the bottom and the flag that you got from the bottom. That's such a good documentary by the way. Horrible. What's it called? One Breath? It's an other come up looking like dead bodies. It's awful.

Absolutely awful. One of them did actually die. Loads of them have died. It's such a dangerous, awful, terrifying thing. Mad. People do mad stuff. Anyway, stop coughing in my face. I'm sorry. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. dangerous, awful, terrifying thing. Mad. People do mad stuff. Anyway, stop coughing in my face.

I'm sorry. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. She says. As always, if you want to get in touch, check out myordynor.gmail.com. So last week, we had a lovely rendition of the shower screen song which I can't remember. I can't remember it. Somebody very cleverly, got some clever listeners. Honestly you guys are smart as a dart right. That sounded so patronising it was actually awful.

Oh I didn't mean it to be. I really didn't mean it to be. Sorry. Yeah I think our listeners are phenomenal. I don't genuinely that was absolutely with no sarcasm. Sorry. But just be a personality. Just the way you say stuff. I meant it quite nice. I used to work in school. So sometimes sometimes it can be quite patronizing. Clever boy. Right. You are very clever. All right. And somebody sent this in. Dear Chris and Rosie, please find a touch my version of sums in the steam on the shower screen. That was it. sums in the screen. I can't do it.

sums in the steam on the shower screen. sums in the steam on the shower screen. Right, that's enough. Hope you like it, Kim. PS, if you're ever desperate for a good story about horse wanking, let me know. We will. Always. I swear, like honestly, don't worry about that.

Finally. So have a listen to this. Oh my god. Oh, hang on. Can I just tell you, So have a listen to this. Oh my God. Oh, hang on. Can I just tell you, I haven't listened to it all the way through. Right. Because you were in the room yesterday

when I was getting started. Ah, this makes sense, because at one point I looked over and you had your ear pressed to your laptop like it was telling you a secret. And you know what it is, sometimes I like to have a surprise as well. So I don't know. It just sounds like it's quite good.

It might be utter shit, but I feel like it's gonna be good. Okay. This is incredible. I think they've wrote this. Are you ready? Let's go. Yes. This is definitely played in the sex club.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. That's it. Number flies in the morning haze. Adding up in the foggy maze. Calculators lost in the phone. Find my fortune all alone. See becomes my shop or clear. April's interest drawing near.

Burning bubbles, thick your sore. Shower head makes math galore. Songs in the steam on the shower screen. The songs in the steam on the shower screen. It's amazing! Come on! It's so much more! It's fucking, the lyrics are incredible! This is... Like, it's about three minutes long.

It's fucking great, the lyrics are amazing! That is so good! Oh my god! I'll share, I will share the lyrics with you. I'll share the lyrics with you. fucking agree, the lyrics are amazing. That is so good. Oh my God.

I will share the full thing on socials. That is so good. Thank you. That's by Kimri Sipma. Thank you so much. What the fuck? So good. Something's in the steam on the shower screen.

Oh my God, I love it. Might have to be when you jingle. At the end of this episode, we'll play the shower screen. Oh my God, I love it. Might have to be when you jingle. We'll play that at the end of this episode, we'll play the full song. Yes, right, okay then. I'm gonna send it to Daisy now. Yeah, yeah, we'll put the full thing on at the end. That's fantastic.

Thank you so much for that. Wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi Rosie and Chris. I was listening to episode 286 during my favourite part, Would Rosie Eat? Yes. Well done. One of them was wh wine through a catheter.

Yes. When I realised I have a story relating to this. Eh? Mmm. I started my new admin job at a private hospital mid last year. The nurses were all lovely, but certainly had some characters. The Christmas party was fast approaching and all paid for dinner and drinks with entertainment. Sounds lovely.

Sounds lovely for you, inn. Sounds lovely. Sounds fab. It wasn't long before the nurses were trying to convince me to come along. But I had some reservations as I know what I'm like after a drink. Never mind free drinks. And just to reiterate, ask any comedian, nurses, all in the room, have a comedy club, on a night out. Fucking lunatics. Oh really? Nurses, teachers, maniacs.

Because I have to deal with a lot of trauma. Because the jobs are what they're in and when they are cutting loose, they are cutting the fuck loose. And I'm not judging that. All I'm saying is when you're a comedian back in the day, I remember Manchester Frog and Bucket, you'd be standing backstage and they'd go, there's a table of 15 nurses in, you'd go, oh fuck. Jesus. We're gonna get mobbed.

Everyone's backstage doing the cross on the cells. Well, nothing could prepare me for when I arrived at the dinner table amongst all these beautifully gowned nurses. I'm guessing not the hospital gowns. I'm guessing they've dressed up. I imagine so. Imagine. Guys, did you not think about getting changed? It was my new friend Claire who hiked up her skirt to flash me a catheter bag strapped to her leg filled with wine. Fuck off. She'd also been around all of the other tables snaffling the free wine and by the end of

the night I found her in the lobby with her head in a bin liner and a skirt by her hips, catheter bag empty. So of a way of taking wine, smuggling wine into a venue, she strapped a catheter bag to her leg and was just drinking it out of the straw. It's fucking genius. I've got nothing against that. It's absolutely brilliant. Hope it was clean. Nothing against that. Wiped with a dry cloth. We considered taking nice wine somewhere the other day when we were going somewhere. Don't want to say anything to upset anyone. Yeah. We were going somewhere where we knew the wine was going to be dog shit and we were like, no we can't do that,

you can't be, I just feel like it's so, go I've brought this, what's your corkage? Like oh fucking get over yourself. I don't think we're friends with Speak the Way Again. The catheter bag thing is something I'm thinking about in the future. Also, what you need to do is a box of wine in a present bag. Box of wine in a present bag. Yeah, or wrapped up box of wine and just let the little bit hang out the bottom. But I do feel like most wine that comes in boxes is gonna be

the same level of, I've got the same problem now, I've just brought my own shit wine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I suppose you might be able to get a bit of a nicer box of wine but yeah. Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo bab I would do or you. Okay. Right. My fiance and I had booked this wedding fair in August when we had gotten engaged and had been looking forward to it since then. The day finally. Sorry, just gonna quickly interject. Yeah, you were looking forward to it. He was not. Did we go to a wedding fair or did you knock him? I would not go to a wedding fair. No, thank you. He is, he, keep that guy, if it's a guy, if it's a girl, this makes no sense at all. No, it's a man and woman.

Right. Keep him, he's a keeper because he is telling you that he's looking forward to that wedding fair and I'm telling you right now, is he fuck? Right, okay. Some men do enjoy planning their wedding. Liars, yeah they are. There are some men that call liars. No, some do. Some actually have planned their own wedding. Hmm. Yeah. Alright. What's wrong with you? You keep telling yourself that. You're dead inside. Some actually have planned their own wedding. Yeah! Alright!

What's wrong with you? You... Keep telling yourself. You're dead inside. I picked the cake and that was enough. And the beer. Sorry, I fucking did. You are a control freak. I've told you this a million times.

I am not. I am easy going. Alright! Let's renew our vows and I'll do what I'll plan it all. Oh no! No! No No thank you. Because you know it would be at the indoor golf simulator place in Durham. Horrible, horrible. The one I ran. The one you phoned when they said yeah that was the one. Still absolutely mortified by that. The day finally came and we looked around and it was shit. Yeah. Right.

There was a big tent with a few supplies and nothing really useful for us. We go to leave slash see if we can find any last bits when this man approaches us. He greets us and asks if we've just arrived. So I said, no, we were just having one last look around. He introduced himself as the owner and offered to show us around.

He asked if it was our first time to show us around. He asked if it was our first time, which it was. And we'd booked a date. I said confidently that yes, 30th of March, 2026. He was shocked that he had a date that we had a date already, but had not been around the venue. At this point, I should mention that we had booked just a different venue. Got you. At this point, I should have also told the poor guy that I was so sorry and misunderstood what he was asking, but I didn't. I doubled down. No. He asked if we booked on pictures alone. Then I fixed my eyes on the floor, accepted that this was my fate for the next 10 minutes and said yes, we have. He said wow, that's new. We get to

the first spot and he asks, oh who helped you with the booking? Was it Amy? Fuck knows who Amy is. I just replied, oh, I don't remember. I looked to my partner for some help and he just smiles at me. I know I am alone in this lie. Just tell him you didn't understand what he said. Oh God. I literally would have gone, I'd have been too far

and I'd have gone, yes, we booked it here, yes. This is like when I went horse riding when I was little and the horse riding instructor said, have you ever been on a horse? And I said, yes. And she went, have you done this loads of times? And I said, yes. And so she put me on this fucking massive horse

and I had no idea what I was doing. I could have died. You were a child, you were a child. I was about seven. This is not a child. This is a woman who's gonna get married. Fair enough. He proceeds to show us another choice of our ceremony because it's good to have options for a venue we have no intention on getting married in.

I'm working up the courage to tell this man that I'm ever so sorry but I've made an error. But as we set foot in area two, we see a few other people. He introduces us to his wife and also informs her of our interesting choice to book here without ever looking at the venue. She just said, oh that's different. Oh god. We are now the freaks that just book a venue without viewing it in their eyes. I never thought about that. You'd literally be like. I'd have left. Honestly, I'd have turned. If this was you doing this, I'd have just went, oh. I'd have pretended I had a phone call. I'd have said I was going to the toilet. I'd have said, I think I've left the car unlocked. And I'd have left you.

Yeah, actually would have. And I'd have left you, I'd have waited in the car and I'd have gone, how did that go? You fucking psycho. Yeah, actually would have. We think we're in the home stretch and that the safety of our car is within reach. That's when he brings out Sharon, the manager.

Sharon, these guys have booked the venue for March 26th without looking. I think we're cucked. This is it. The jig is up She gets the fucking diary out. She's going to know I'm up to my neck in this lie and confront us She just smiles thank God and lets us know she'd be the point of contact on the day He asked if we'd booked accommodation and let us and lets us look ourselves We dip into the two open ones and wait for him to vacate the area before legging it back to the car

That's horrible. I have proceeded to unfollow them on Instagram because I can't cope with the embarrassment I get when I say their name. I feel ill. I've spent all day wondering if this man went to look at his bookings and realised that we were not in fact booked for the 30th of March 2026 and just some strange weirdos who pretended we were. Oh, no. That's gave me such anxiety. I don't like that. Why would you keep going?

God. I get myself in situations like that all the time. Babadoo babadoo babadoo back. Hi guys, third time emailer and you've not read any of them previously so you've missed some Sorry mate. Jesus. No, listen. Big mistake. There's a lot. Huge mistake. There's a lot in there. That's one of the best scenes from a film ever. When she goes back into that shop and they didn't serve her. Oh yeah. It's fucking brilliant.

Just listen to episode 286 where Rosie mentioned a dad running after someone with a spade with his shirt off. Yeah. Classic Derek. Just if you've never listened to the podcast before, that's my childhood. It was just a one-off occasion. It did trigger a memory, so that's good. I, like Chris, believe the man is a legend for doing it and sits alongside my dad as you're about to find out. I was about 13 and got woke up to hushed voices at about 2am one midweek morning. Going to investigate I heard my mum and dad downstairs, mum's on

the phone with the police, our shed is being broken into and the scoundrels were stealing my brand new dual suspension bike. It's all arranged when I was in school. I remember. Really, what does it mean? back suspension and front suspension. What does the suspension do? Bounces it. You can go over bumps without feeling as much. Oh of course. Cars have got suspension haven't they? Yeah. What? Just awful. Sometimes it's just awful. But me? I'm awful. No you're not not awful, you're lovely, but just... Oh yeah, of course I've got suspension. They have. Yeah, I'm just, you know... My dad watching them closely and mum telling the police a play by play.

The scoundrels lifted the bike over the neighbours' fence and proceeded down the side of the house, onto the street and across the road where they spotted another bike chained to a pole in another neighbour's garden. Bike each. Two of them went to try and nick it while the other stayed with my bike. Oh, so are they. Seeing the two struggling, the lad with my bike propped it against a fence and went to help. Cheeky fuckers.

Step forward, hero dad who spotted his moment. Get in. Shirtless and only in his boxers, he opened the front door quietly, snuck down the drive and then legged it towards my bike bellowing, COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! Sprinting across the street in nothing but his boxers, the lads turned and shat themselves, running the opposite direction, hopping fences and abandoning the bikes altogether. Get in!

Dad retrieved the bike in immaculate condition strolling back to our house proud as punch semi naked and I have never been prouder. Well done. Amazing. Side note, the thieves dropped a power tool in their panic which the police recovered and fingerprinted so they got caught and charged. Result. Very good. Brilliant. Brilliant work all round. Crazy shirtless dads are heroes. Well done that man. But I hate to tell you man who's wrote this in you didn't spell shirtless wrong so you've wrote crazy shitless dads are heroes. Crazy shitless okay. Yeah so there you go. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shag Minder Noid which is part of the

Ecast creator network. Yes thank you indeed. If you want to get in touch at Shag Minder Noid, which is part of the Ecast Creator Network. Yes, thank you indeed. If you want to get in touch at shagmindernoid.gmail.com, don't forget next week I'm in Holdo and Standup and in December, December the 15th, yeah, and in December, shit me pants, December the 15th we're doing Laughs for Kids at Newcastle Arena for a fantastic cause. Go on Utility Arena, Newcastle's Utility Arena website and find out all about that and now please enjoy the full version of Sums in the Steam on the shower screen Beautiful, just beautiful Rise in the morning haze Adding up in a foggy maze Calculators lost in the foam

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