Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 294. Itchy Eyes

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

On this week's podcast Rosie is under the weather but in true SMA fashion there are still some beefs to be shared! The pair discuss creamy bananas, Face Timing while driving and they deliberate over something Chris watched outside a pub. QFTP's involve Snap Chatting with Keith and a disturbing farming incident. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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was the season of chaos and all through the house not one person was stressing hollad differently this year with door dash don't want to holla do the most holla don't more festive less fr. Get deals for every occasion with DoorDash. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello. Hello. Hiya.

Rosie's not well. Oh God. Never well. Like you weren't going to go on about it straight away. No, I know. Like you weren't going to mention it immediately. If you follow us on Instagram, I had an eye infection the other day. Everyone thought it was just because you said pick me up and touch me.

My official line that I've been telling everyone is that you've been scratching your fanny and then touching your eye. Great. That's my official line that I've been that's been released in a press release. Thank you. Along with the brand new nickname for you, which I haven't told you yet, which I'm really happy with. So you used to be the chocolate-coloured shit pig, but now because you've got your little eye infection, you're not feeling very well, you are my gunky-eyed spunk monkey. It's just the worst thing I've ever heard. Gunky-eyed spunk monkey. Who's me little gunky-eyed spunk monkey? Get in here, you slut. Is it you? Get in here. Have you been with this weekend, you little Gunky-eyed Spunk Monkey? Get in here you slut. Is it you? Get in here.

Have you been with this weekend, you little Gunky-eyed Spunk Monkey? I hear that. No, so it's a viral eye infection and it's like crept over to me other eye. Oh yeah, it's spreading like. And it's just really upsetting us and we've had to cancel loads of work.

I was supposed to have the busiest week of me life. I was literally like, I was with me mate at the weekend, I was with the kids, and I was like, mate, next week, you got any plans next week? I was like, I mean, week's fucking nuts next week. Nothing now, absolutely just this. But it might, I mean, not good for me, because I'm ill, so I can't do anything with the time off.

But it always seems good when you go, right, we're not having to do that, but we're gonna have to do it in the future. Oh yeah, it comes back. Yeah, it's not disappeared. All the stuff I had to do comes back. But it's fine and and you know what it is you are a little soldier for doing this your eyes all blurry you're doing that thing where you blink loads like when you wake up they're just so itchy itchy you look stoned as fuck that's what you look

that's what i look like i do i look really high yeah yeah yeah you look you look really bad you look like a lad i used to go to college with. Oh yeah. Just off his face. Yeah. Just always. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not even ill. Maybe I'm just secretly a stoner. I remember he said an amazing thing when everyone was getting iPhones and stuff and I was I was one of the last people like this was uni at uni sorry and I was one of the last people to get an iPhone anyway. I get held out. I don't know why. And I remember I got a Nokia and an iPod Touch, and I was like, this is the same. I'm like. I'm not have a bad word set against iPods, you know.

Love an iPod. I miss an iPod. I used to love the old iPods with the little wheel. Yeah, brilliant. Yeah, but I remember saying once, he wore like a, I can't remember his fucking name, but he wore like one of them hats that come down over your ears as well.

A snood? No, like, they put a rave in one this morning to go to school. It's like a hat but it's got the earpads as well. Yes yeah like wolf skin. Yeah and I remember someone asked him his mobile number and he went I've got a mobile I haven't got a phone why's everyone got a phone? You've got you've got more chances just bumping into me on the street. I was thinking mate you're fucking 19, man. What are you doing? But he was- You see the one who was stoned all the time.

Yeah, you've got eyes exactly like him. Okay. Mr. Stonage. And I'm just feeling well. It's just, I'm really unwell with it as well. You are, you're under the weather, aren't you? It's just making you feel bad. It is.

I hate being poorly as well. Well, we were saying this the other day. So we both don't take well to being to being ill but it's not like it's not a pity me oh god i'm terrible or get you know phone the elements it's the way i described it to you yesterday when i'm ill i take it really personally like really fucking personally i think i've said it before when i was ill once and i was in bed and i could hear people outside talking and having a laugh and i wanted them to die. I was so angry, I was like, they're fucking assholes. How dare they?

Hell and all that. Yeah, but there we are. So welcome to this week's episode of Shagmire Noid with Chris Ramsay and the gunky-eyed spunk monkey who is also the chocolate crittle chip pig, Rosie Ramsey. There she is. It is episode 294. Thank you so much for being here.

Please continue to like and rate and subscribe on your podcast chops. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative. Don't do it. Don't do it. Just doing it like that. Lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is I can't believe I haven't done it before. I might have done it before, but who knows? It's bananas. Hey. Bananas. Hey, you wanna eat some fruit that feels like you're eating carbohydrates? No. Banana.

It's stodgy, it's wet and dry. Banana. Do you like your fruit to have its own little carry case as well? Banana. That's the only thing I like about bananas. Would you like that carry case to double up as a lethal slippery landmine for endless hilarity?

Bananas. You need bananas. Bananas. Would you like that carry case to double up as a lethal slippery landmine for endless hilarity? Bananas You need bananas. Brought to you in conjunction with I bought a pack of bananas today in Asda And you know how they like you buy the you buy strawberries or whatever and it's like ripe fresh It says on the bag it'll be like ripe fresh strawberries or tangy something oranges or whatever Do you know what it said on the packet of bananas and it really upset us. I guess. Yeah, it really upset us. Did it say squishy, squishy, non as worse? What? What did it say?

Shut your eyes and listen to this. OK, I'll pick it up. I'll look at it. I'll gladly shut my eyes. Now, imagine someone's never had bananas before and they pick up this packet and they look at it. I hate bananas. So we'll. Right. Right. This is what I said. This is what I said. And it really upset us.

It said on the front, sweet, creamy bananas. Awful, awful. No, no, it's not a cake. And then he put them back. It really upset us. Sweet and creamy. Sweet, creamy bananas. I was like, who?

There was a meeting. They were sat around and went, what we're writing on the front of the banana packet. And someone went, sweet and creamy. They went, excellent, give them a raise. Sack them, it's disgusting. Sweet, creamy bananas. I hate bananas.

Will not thank you for a banana. You constantly go down my neck for not liking bananas. I think that they're the most vile thing to have ever, the texture. They're incredible. The texture. So that's all that people don't like. Oh, I'm pulling a button.

Everyone likes the flavour. Would you have a banana milkshake? Oh, you don't like milk. But you would have a banana milkshake if you liked milkshakes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I like banana, I like them in a cake. Yeah, the texture's the main thing you don't like milk, but you would have a banana milkshake if you like milkshakes. Oh yeah yeah yeah, I like banana, I like them in a cake. Yeah, the texture is the main thing people don't like about bananas, but I'm telling

you, oh god, they really do, they more than meet you halfway. Bananas and eggs are carrying the entire fucking food industry on their shoulders. Oh I love it, I'll not have a bad word against eggs. Eggs, unbelievable, bananas, unbelievable. Can we talk about how are Rafe's obsessed, speaking of the two favourite foods. Rafe would eat seven bananas a day if he let them. Robin, that boy, is he Popeye or like Hulk Hogan? So Popeye ate spinach.

Yeah, he's not eating spinach. Hulk Hogan, I'd prefer you after we watched the- Oh, Gaston man. Yeah, Gaston is what you meant because Robin eats loads of eggs, but can I just take you back to Hulk Hogan? After we watched the Vince McMahon documentary I prefer that you use the Hulk's real name. Oh what was it? Which is Terry. Terry? We had to ring Carl Hutchinson to double check that it was real. What is if he's called Terry? Hulk Hogan's real name is Terry.

Madness. That was. Very good documentary by the way. Oh yeah. I was flabbergasted. I did a phone call I went I've known you like over 20 years and you've never told me that Hulk Hogan's real name is Terry. I was like, do you not think that's a bit of information that I would have enjoyed? We were flabbergasted. We had to pause it. Remember, we just paused it and just, it was unbelievable. But yeah, Robin's on four eggs a day. Is that okay for him? Don't know, we'll see. We'll see. Time will tell.

And it'll get a little tail. He had scrambled eggs this morning and he before bed he has a fried egg. Loves it. Unbelievable. He just loves an egg. When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large.

Now that I'm grown I ate five dozen eggs and I'm roughly the size of a bird. No. That'll do, that'll do, no, no, that'll do. That'll do, no, because you don't know the words. You don't know the words. You don't know the words. I don't know the words.

Thank you. When we're going to Disney. Never. We are, we're gonna have to take that leap. The Fletchers are there at the minute. Right. It's all over their Instagrams, and I'm just thinking I wanna go.

We'll wait until the kids are the right age. Yeah. I'm not traveling with a three year old. I'm not doing it. Okay, well Robin is fully ripe right now. He's in the kids of the right age. I'm not travelling with a three year old. I'm not doing it. Well Robin is fully ripe right now. He's in the prime of blime. The prime of blime. But our rave's too little.

So yeah, maybe it's two more years maybe. Okay, maybe one more year. Year and a half, take a five year old. Five year old and a ten year old. We're gonna do it. I wanna do it. Yes, definitely. Maybe we can do the crew. Yeah, this is a podcast. We're not planning family holidays.

I literally thought you were gonna say, get fucked, do you want us to say get fucked? Because I'll say get fucked. Listen, get fucked. We had a fight about the jingle jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle jingle. So this is the jingle jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to the podcast where I want my eyes to die.

You would rag them out the head if you could, couldn't you? I literally could scratch my face off, but then the doctor told us not, she was like, do not touch your eyes, do not touch your hand with your eye, and then your another eye. And I'm like, I can't, I just feel like I can't touch anything, so I'm just really upset. I just keep kind of putting my arms in me.

Just whoever knows you're touching her eyes. Not with me hands though. You've touched them loads with your hands, I've watched you. I haven't watched you. You're touching everything else in the house, honestly. It's COVID all over again. If I have to suffer, then all of you have to suffer.

Can you remember when COVID first came about and the set of the news, don't touch your face, and you did an Instagram video in your own house where you slightly touched your face and loads of people messaged you going, don't touch your face, that's how you catch it. Do you know what happened on that day? That's when I blocked my DMs.

Really, was that the day? Yeah, it was. Yeah. Touching your own- Don't message me telling's when I blocked my DMs. Really, was that the day? Yeah, it was. Yeah, touching your own- Don't message me telling me not to touch my own face. Touching your own face in your own house gets you a virus that is outside. No, so that's when I blocked my DMs. It was the best thing I've ever done.

There it is, there it is. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. So we saw something strange the other day. Well, our Robin pointed out, do you remember? No. We were driving along, we picked them up from school and we were right next to a girl who was driving her car whilst on FaceTime to a friend who was also driving their car. Madness. What? That's not even legal. Well you googled it and we couldn't work it out whether it was legal or not. I mean it's it might, it depends

like if you crashed while doing it, they might fall under, they mean, it's, it might fall, it depends. Like if you're crashed while doing it, they might fall it under, be your, they might say it's your fault. They might go under what's it called, driving without due care and attention. But it was insane. I don't even think you're allowed to eat an apple whilst you're driving.

No, but the point, sorry, of course you're not allowed to eat an apple while you're driving. You're not allowed to eat any fruit while you're driving. You're not allowed to eat or drink while you're driving. Again, it falls under driving without due care and attention. Oh really, is that actually true? Yeah, but the phones are in cradles.

So her phone was in a cradle and she was talking to her friend and her friend's phone was in a, so they were driving and just talking. So I suppose, is that different to having a passenger next to you and talking away to a passenger? I don't know. If you're not looking at it, but then why are you FaceTiming?

Why do they need to be on FaceTime? Yeah, why are you FaceTiming then? Just bring on speaker. Actually, the danger of it was, was I kept watching. You were driving. I know you were driving, but you're you are. I'll go by like, fuck me. You are horrific and like I need to see what's going on. Honestly, I don't I don't think you're a good driver. But I think you're a good driver is in your skill of driving is good.

But you are so easily distracted. driver. But I think you're a good driver, as in your skill of driving is good, but you are so easily distracted. To the point where, right guys, if we're having a conversation, I have to stop the conversation because Chris will get so in depth with the conversation and just not concentrate on driving. Have you noticed that? Sorry. Apologies that I'm a good conversationalist. Apologies that I'm a good listener and a raconteur. Sorry, you knew who you married. Who did you marry? A fucking racing driver or a goddamn wordsmith? RAC ON TOUR was nice. Yeah, because it's what I do. What does it mean? You can tell good stories. Is it? Sounds very Tennessee. Like a racket. RAC ON TOUR. Great. Yeah, that was

nuts. I saw a mad thing the other day. I don't know if I've told you this. Ooh. Me and my mates were in a pub, a little pub in Shields. There's a few little micro pubs that have popped up now and then. What's all about that? What is that all about? Is it just to cover costs?

Dunno, maybe. Because where we live, right, working class town, nobody goes out during the week. Very few people go out during the week. Most of the pubs are shut. Like these new sort of trendy pubs are shut Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. What's the point because they only open thursday friday saturday sunday all right okay but they're very small they're like the size of a house like

downstairs flat it's like a living room the one i was in it was like a living room right is it called the living room no it's not um i'm not giving them a shout out because i'll go i'll give them a shout out then i'll turn up and i'll be able to get in because all you fuckers will be there. So no chance. There was two guys, it was so odd. Two lads across the road. You did tell me about this. I'll tell you this. We're just carrying a massive bit of wood, like a huge bit of wood, like the size of,

imagine a snooker table, a full-size snooker table. They were carrying a massive bit of plywood that was the size of a full-size snooker table. So we're talking 10 foot by six foot. And they were carrying it up the street outside and they stopped and they propped it up against the wall and they pulled a couple of cans of lager out of the bag and they had a couple of cans of lager. The whole pub was absolutely encapsulated by these guys. Everyone. The singer, she was great. She lost the whole room. Bless her. She was fantastic. Whole room gone. Stop. Even her. They might go like, they're making, what they're doing?

What they're doing? Everyone staring at the window, staring at these two guys. And all they did was pick it up and then fuck off again. And I nearly went out. You should have. I nearly went out. I'm really sorry, but what the fuck are you doing?

I've worked it out. What? I think that the windows have been done in and they're putting plywood up at the windows. Why were they collecting it at nine o'clock on a Sunday night? Er... Have they stole it from somewhere else?

Where would they have got it from? Why stop for your lager? Why go? That might be the night out. They might have had a night out planned, right? And then they've gone, oh, we'll have to go and get this wood. And they just thought, well, we'll bring the cans. Bring the cans with you. Bring the cans with you. Yeah. Journey juice.

Whole pub, entire pub. Everything stopped staring at these. Bring the cans with you. Yeah. Journey juice. Whole pub. Entire pub. Everything stopped. Staring at these guys. That's a new TikTok thing. How young were they? How old were they?

Errrr, 20s? Early 20s? Right well. Don't tell us TikTok things, people are carrying wood. No, no. Fuck me. The carrying wood thing, I've got no idea. Erm, but it's like a thing where they kind of go, just walk around places and drink out of like Stanley cups and stuff

and just kind of drink while they walk around a place to place, if you know what I mean. The more I hear about it, the more upset I get. Hang on, didn't your cousin do one of these? Yeah. So what was it? I think it started, talking about Covid again, I think it started during lockdown where it was like you can't go out

so people would just sort of walk around having a drink while they were walking places. Right. Do you know what I mean? So it's like a pub crawl with no pub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's still the thing. So they're just walking while having a drink. But these guys did it with a bit of wood.

Because very fit, the younger generation nowadays, you know, really look after themselves. Oh, you're telling me. They're like in the best shape that anyone's ever been. Rosie, sometimes, school kids walk past me, full uniform, doubt they're even sixth form, a good foot and a half taller than us, a good couple of foot wider than us,

I think, he's 15, he could fucking kill me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they really look after themselves. They've been on protein bars and protein parlours and creatine since they were 10. Yeah, yeah, mad, isn't it? What are they feeding them? Is it because we were stunted with turkey twizzlers and a load of fucking shit and now they've worked out

and we've got all these organic fucking food, homegrown cornbread Gaston boys walking around like they could smash my head in. Well I think processed food when we were younger went mad. Like in the early 90s was just new and new. No scientific basis by the way if you listen to this. We've got this is just guesswork. This is just us guessing.

And then, but everyone was much smaller back in the day. Yeah. Your nanas and that, like my nana and granama were little. Yeah. I don't know. Everyone just seems massive now. It's upsetting us. Like when I'm a jujitsu, and this is a lad came in the other day.

He was a lovely kid, 15, bigger than me. I was wrestling with him. I couldn't, he took us down. And he kept taking us to the, I felt a cone, this isn't for you! The more you talk about that, stupid, you're too... How dare you. The more my vagina goes inwards and wants to die. Well, at the minute, it's, yeah, both your eyes look like a vagina, so it doesn't matter.

They actually do. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly.

Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. Don't want to holla do the most? Holla don't. More festive, less frantic. Get deals for every occasion with DoorDash. The flu remains a serious disease. Last season, over 102,000 influenza cases have been reported across Canada, which has nearly doubled the historic average of 52,000 cases. What can you do this flu season? Talk to your pharmacist or doctor about getting a flu shot.

Consider Flu-Sylvax-Quad and help protect yourself from the flu. It's the first cell-based flu vaccine authorized in Canada for ages six months and older and it may be available for free in your province. Side effects and allergic reactions can occur and 100% protection is not guaranteed. Learn more at FluCelvax.ca. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Right, Rosie. Rosie, there's a new section coming up, it's our newest section, it's about food and it's about you. But I've heard through the grapevine that I've had multiple requests by people sending in emails to our email account to stop doing the burp noise at the end. No, why?

Well, all I was going to say was it's going to be slower this time, but it's going to be a much bigger burp as a huge fuck you to everyone who said that. It'll be like one person. Don't you ever tell me not, listen, better out than in bitches. Better out than in. I've not seen anything.

I have, there has been a tremendous amount of people sending in, is this what it was E? Yeah, it's what it was E. Like I genuinely was like, this will only last a couple of episodes. There's so many emails. I love it. So yeah. Okay. Alright then.

It's time for... Burp yourself. Woodrosy Eat. That is... Oh God. Don't lie. Was that slightly impressive? You've always had impressive burps. Yes! I hate to say that. Chris has always been able to burp on Oh God. Don't lie. Was that slightly impressive?

You've always had impressive burps. Yes! I hate to say this. Chris has always been able to burp on demand, really loud and like, yeah you have. I can't burp at all. Genuinely a real burp everyone. I didn't do it right down the mic.

I did it over the top of the mic. So Rosie probably got a bit of air from that as well. So you're welcome. So there it is. I wish I, I can't burp at all. I can't make myself burp at all. It's really handy for when you're feeling sick. Oh, don't, oh God, don't you look,

oh, with your little red eyes, you're looking at a little chicken getting strangled. Right. Just trying to get like, oh. I hadn't made myself sick for the first time ever. Did I tell you about that? No. I was filming for a TV show

and I ate some chicken in the break that was a bit pink and I was freaking out and I was like, cause I've had food poisoning before. If you listen to this podcast, you know, I'm just really unlucky with illnesses. I'm just fucked right. My body just goes, well, fuck you at the most awful times. So I was just, and I had another four days of filming and I was like, I can't be ill, can cannot be ill. So I went and made myself sick and it was the worst experience I've ever had in my entire life. It was horrible. Horrible. Yeah me poor mate of ours was like are you okay? I was like I'm not.

And I mean most people would have seen the pink chicken and not ate it but you scranded it down and worried about it afterwards. Yes. That sums you right. Honestly before I ate it I thought this could make me ill but but I just ate it anyway. What's wrong with this? Greedy? Yeah. Yeah. So Woodrozeeat, again, thank you for the people sending this in. Shagrinerode at gmail.com if you want to send them in. Absolutely brilliant. Let's crack straight on. Hi, Woodrozeeat, a bowl of chocolate mousse.

Love chocolate mousse. Here it is. With someone's foot as a spoon. For context, it is the foot, and I'm getting a bit sick of this sexism, is the foot of a middle-aged hairy man. Makes it worse. Who really cuts his toenails and he's just had a long sweaty gym session and not showered. Oh god. No I wouldn't eat it. You wouldn't eat it? No I wouldn't eat it. I'm off the sugar. I'm not as addicted. Off the sugar. Although, pfft, just not off the sugar yesterday.

No, no, no. I had six mini packets of Maltesers. Right, see, I saw you get two and I thought that was excessive. Oh, I had six. I had six. Six. Well, you're not feeling well. I thought, fuck it.

Anything to make yourself feel better. Absolutely. What? Just gawp at it. Right, next one. Yeah? Hi, Rosie and Chris. We all know the depths that Rosie will

go in order to get a chip but what's the minimum Chris would go to we all know he's a little bubble boy who would filter air if he could just to avoid a few germs fuck you man so do you know what it is guys? You do actually. I've never heard bubble boy. Bubble boy is really offensive. Bubble boy is funny. So I want to know, would Chris eat. Oh is this for you?

This is what Chris eat. Right. A sandwich that has been handed to him by a toddler in a play park. He doesn't know the toddler and he can't see how clean his hands are. You know. Not a fucking chance mate.

Yeah, I would probably swear at that toddler. Chris wouldn't even eat something that his children have given him. I wouldn't take the sandwich. The toddler would hold his hand out. Hang on, what if he ends up starving? What if you're literally starving? I'd sooner eat the toddler. I would go, no, I'd go, sorry, no, who's child is this? No, I'm okay sweetheart, I don't want that. You go and throw it in the bin over there, I would go, no, I'd go, sorry, no, who's child's this? No, I'm okay, sweetheart, I don't want that. You go and throw it in the bin over there, I don't want it, thank you very much.

And then I'd phone call. You fucking would, stop it, man. You would not talk like that, you'd literally, you rebelled. Okay, all right, sorry, I'll take me, I'll go, ah, ah, who's child's this? Who's child is this, ah, what's in that, ah? Yeah, that's cool. And I'd slap it out of the hand and stamp on it. That's his reaction.

And then I'd phone Karl and I'd go, mate, you know what I fucking believe what some dirty little fucking toddler's just done here? And he'd go, ah, dirty, ah, ah, and we'd both, that's why we're such good friends. Great, great. And Mars Bar, you've lost us already, worst chocolate ever, found in a bus.

In a bus? That's upset. In a bus? In a bus, inside, on a bus. On a bus, in a bus? In a bus, I don't know. That's annoying. Like inside the mechanics of the bus? In a car, you can have in a car, but you can't have in a bus. I'd love to drive a bus. Would you bus? In a bus? I don't know. That's annoying.

Like inside the mechanics of the bus. In a car. You can have in a car but you can't have in a bus. I'd love to drive a bus. Would you like to drive a bus? Nope. No. I keep thinking about other jobs that I would quite like.

You like to drive a bus? Honestly, Chris, if I'm totally honest with you, all of them are just me sat on my arse. I think it's the way that I feel at the minute. I just keep thinking about other jobs. I'm like, what job do I want to do? Rosie, you sat down now. Oh, no, but this takes a lot of effort. Like, if you're sitting on a bus, you're sitting on a bus.

You're sitting on a bus. You're sitting on a bus. You're sitting on a bus. You're sitting on a bus. You're sitting on a bus. You're sitting on a bus. You're sitting on a bus. You're sitting on a bus. I think it's the way that I feel at the minute. I just keep thinking about other jobs. I'm like, what job do I wanna do? Adam's Dad- Rosie, you're sat down now. Kirsty- I know, but this takes a lot of effort. Like, if I was just a bus driver, you'd be sat on your bus. I like driving and you'd just be like 170. And I like using machines.

I could work in a supermarket for sure, but you know what would happen? I guarantee I'd get a job in a supermarket, right? And I'd be like, I just want to be on the cashier on the tills and they'd go, yeah. And then, because I'm quite good at customer service, right? I do well on the tills and they go, Rosie, we're gonna move you. And I'll go, I just, no, no.

I don't want to be front facing. Don't stick us at the front of the shop. I want to be on the till. It's happened to us all my life. What an arrogant rant. What an arrogant rant that was. Do you know what it is? My problem, right? Too fucking good. That stickers on the tails in Asda's right and

then they go here. You know what? No bullshit. You're that good. We're gonna stick you in the front, changing the name to Rosies. Gonna put your sign, your face right on the front with both your manky little vagina eyes. They're gonna be, they're gonna, stuff like Custard's gonna drop out of them and people have to avoid it on the way in the shop. That's gonna be a new game for the kids. But we're gonna call it Rosies and everything's gonna drop out of them and people have to avoid it on the way in the shop that's gonna be a new game for the kids but we're gonna call it Rosie's and everything's gonna be about you because you're so good at custom asset you honestly, it's happening every job I've had so get lost, who the fuck do you think you are? No honestly every job I've had in retail I would be like I just want to I just

like doing the tills and doing the money and all that kind of stuff No Rosie we want you to be managing director. No. Ralph, Ralph, back off Ralph. Back off, right? Sir Loren, sir Loren. No, he put me at the front of the shop saying hello and goodbye to everyone.

And that's not what I wanna do. I wanna sit on my backside and I wanna scan all this stuff. You're so fucking. And now you don't even have to pack for them. So you just ram it down the side. Honestly, get me. I'm genuinely I've been thinking about those other jobs that I want

that I don't have to do much. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello, Tom. No, I don't want to be the face of the company. No, no. Keep it as your name. Keep it as Tom Ford. I just want to work on the tail.

Bye. He had to say the full name of it, so it ruined the joke because none of them knew what Tom, I thought he meant Tommy Hilfiger. Whatever, Tom Ford. Mars Bar found in a bus. It's still in its wrapper, but it looks like it's seen a life.

Bit squished, possibly melted from someone's pocket. What I'm gonna do here, Rob, who's emailed in, I'm gonna transpose Mars Bar for a grenade bar that I quite like in a minute the cookie dough ones what I would do is I would squeeze it to see if the wrapper was still airtight airtight fair play I'm smashing that straight away. Really? 100% Oh that you found on a bus? If the wrapper's airtight I'm eating it. Could have been up someone's backside. I'm not gonna eat the wrapper am I? If the wrapper's airtight I'm eating it it. Could have been up someone's backside. If the wrapper, I'm not gonna eat the wrapper, am I? If the wrapper's airtight, I'm eating it. And what I'll do is, I'll peel the wrapper off

and I won't touch the chocolate, I'll make sure the outside doesn't touch the inside and I won't touch the chocolate bar, I'll just get it out like that. Okay, I'm surprised at that. No, no, go for it. Eat it like a G-string. Eat it like I eat a cheese string.

Oh, God. You've never seen us eat a cheese string? No, but I just felt ill that you'd said, I'll eat it like a G-string. No, that's not what I said. eat a cheese string? No, but I just felt ill like you'd said, I'll eat it like a G string. No, that's not what I said. I said cheese string. Coming out of you is just so wrong. So I put a cheese string in your mouth like a cigar.

I don't touch it. Have you ever sniffed a G string? No. Have you not? You never sniffed anyone's women's underwear? Why would I sniff? I am mortified when I see people sniffing women's underwear on the telly or on TV shows or films.

Mankeyin' it. Makes us want to die. I know. Makes us want to die. I sometimes have to sniff the inside of the lads' jaw mass just to check if they can get another night out of them and it's the worst thing. Bit different. Bit different.

You're just smelling to see if your children's clothes are clean. Awesome. Yeah, and the other night it was a bit... Ooh. Right. Woodcressy, the world's finest steak. Oh, another one for you? Yeah, he's got loads of them. Not the same email. the other night it was a bit... Oh! Right. Would Chris eat the world's finest steak? Oh another one for you? Yeah he's got loads of them. Not the same email. The world's finest

steak rare in the world's finest restaurant hand delivered at the table by the chef but Chris has noticed dirt under the long fingernails of the chef. Oh look I'm crying. Would you eat that? Um. Hand delivered. So it's on his hand or it's on a plate? Nails upset me, I can't bear long nails. Yeah, nails are hard. I've like. You ever seen a proper guitar player has nails?

Proper acoustic. Grade eight. Very sexist again, men with long nails. Yeah. Get in the bin. Yeah, it's minging. I think I've said it before, I always just think how you wipe your arse. Well, lasses who've got proper fake long nails, I just think, like, amaze me, catching all of these.

My nails are so trim and I wash my hands like you wouldn't believe. But you scratch your funny then touch your eye, I've told you this. That's the cause and effect. It's not bacterial. I'm dying inside. This is. you this that's that's that's the cause and effect it's not bacteria I'm dying inside this is and so all of them were from Rob Glenn 35 years old grew up and 35 and a half grew up Rob from North Shields bracket of the best shields

getting a bin I don't think I would eat the steak not if I'd seen the fingernails depends depends if I've really seen the, and then minging, that probably would. Men with filthy fingernails upstairs. You'd see, you'd see. Do you wear gloves? Straight away, I'd go, indeed.

Scratching the fucking cows back before you made that, were you? Okay, back to reality, back to what Rosie eat. Back to life, back to reality. That'll do. That's in a sandwich sandwich sandwich. Don't know the words. Tuna pasta. Oh, I love tuna pasta.

Of Chris's freshly washed ass. But Chris has had a very spicy curry within the last 24 hours. Oh, God. Why am I, I love when, you know, when we put these scenarios forward, the person is, the other person in the scenario is always up for this. Like, I'm up for just someone washing my ass and then hiding tuna pasta on it and waiting for you to, I'm just, in this scenario is always up for this. Like I'm up for just someone washing my ass and then hiding tuna pasta on it and waiting for you. In this scenario, I'm a hunk.

Sorry, and the guy with the chocolate mousse, he's 100% up for it. To me, it's the same guy. And it's the same guy who was on Celebrity Juice with you that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always him. Okay, so, right. Where's the tuna pasta gonna be on your arse?

I don't know, freshly washed arse. So you're lying down. You are very clean. I'd eat anything off you. For an ova. Oh, that's, oh. Yeah. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Yeah. That's lovely. Yeah. Lovely. Okay, what would Rosie eat? Picture a large serving plate of Rosie's favourite cheap sliced ham, beautifully arranged and smothered in salad cream. Oh yeah.

But as it's brought to her, it has dropped on the floor, landing salad cream side down. That's really upsetting. This isn't just any floor though. Rosie hasn't eaten all day and has had to pick Chris up from BJJ. It's after the evening class where there's been a full day of training sessions with various classes, Gee and No Gee, thank you for your knowledge. Also, Rosie's hands are tied behind her back. She can only eat the ham by kneeling down and picking the slices up with her mouth and getting her nose up nice and close to the mats, which still have sweat angels on them." Oh, this is hard because, do you know when I'm really really hungry I do get like a really low blood sugar and I get starving.

Yeah, you get hungry. A nightmare. Like to the point where, you know how they say you can go, how long many days without eating? Is it six days or something? Don't know. I couldn't. Yeah, you can go really long without eating but not without water. Not without water but a long time without eating. Yeah.

Weirdly the whole sweat thing on the floor doesn't upset us as much as like dirt and stuff so... I know what you mean. I probably would eat it. I honestly give it a go. We'll sort that out then. Sort that out tonight. This is a really interesting one. This one's, I hope you're all well

and greetings from Hong Kong. Oh, hello, Hong Kong. Firstly, thank you for the laughs all over the years. I'd love to go to Hong Kong, by the way. Yeah, well thank you for the laughs. Well, you're gonna get a visit Hong Kong in this email. And thank you for the laughs over the years. Seeing as you are both bragging about your chopstick skills,

don't know why that happened, but I am quite good with chopsticks. I'm not that good. I thought I would say if Rosie could stomach some Hong Kong delicacies using chopsticks. So this is Hong Kong delicacies would Rosie eat. Right, okay. Boiled or fried chicken feet.

Do you know what? I would. Yeah. Yeah, I totally would. I think he's not gonna get, he or she, or Paul, I think Paul's not gonna get the reaction he wants here because you are well in just, you know, your role model parent kind of grizzly bits of stuff. You know, like on a chicken in general, a roast chicken, I eat the wings and I eat everything. It's disgusting. All of the, I love the bits, you know, keep your breast to yourself.

I want the, the, the crustly bits. Crustly isn't a word, but I like it. Crustly. Crustly is great. Should be a word. I'm going to write it down. Crustly. Yeah. Crustly.

Crustly. So I eat all them bits anyway, like, you know, the joints of a- Oh yeah, sinew, you're all out of sinew. Oh, mm. Which is horrible, guys, it's horrible. Honestly. Okay. So yeah, I's horrible. Honestly. Okay. So yeah, I'd have chicken feet.

Next one, snake clay pot rice with snake soup. Oh, snakes. Would I? I'd try it. Deep fried pig intestines. Yeah. That would be nice. That would be quite nice. This just says century egg.

Oh, that's the like, isn't that the oldest fermented sort of boiled, I do love a boiled egg. Oh no, I think they're awful. What is a Century Egg? Century Eggs... Guys, I'm saying all of this, don't be thinking that I could ever do the jungle thing. Like, honestly, actually, absolutely not. Like, I'm guessing these are gonna be cooked hot, piping hot and nice.

When they do them, challenges in there. Okay, Century Eggs eggs also known as alkalized or preserved egg are Chinese egg based culinary dish made by preserving duck chicken or quail egg in a mixture of clay, ash, salt, quick lime and rice hulls for several weeks to several months depending on the processing method. Also, it's just them fermented old as fuck eggs. No, that's upsetting. I mean, a boiled egg smells bad enough as it is. I love a boiled egg. I had two this morning.

Shark fin soup? Brackets cruel. Yeah, no, no, they should stop making that. I want your documentary on that. Pack it in. Just brackets cruel was hilarious. Yeah, no. Don't you meet? Maybe. I could go on. All the best, Paul. Thanks, Paul. Here's a. Yeah, no. Don't you mate? Maybe. I could go on. All the best, Paul.

Thanks, Paul. Here's a quick one, sorry. Would Rosie eat her favourite seafood platter from Coleman's? Oh, yes. Out of a bucket and spade left on South Shields beach after a sunny day in the six weeks holidays, brackets nice and gritty. Yeah, I would.

Really, with a grit, with a sand? Yeah. Oh, nah. You never had the platter? Oh no, have we shared a platter before?? With a sand? Yeah. Oh, nah. You never had the platter. Oh no, have we shared a platter before? I mean, it did get wrong with Commons. Commons is phenomenal, but sand or bits of grit in food, if I had a bit of gristle, my whole meal's ruined.

No, I would still eat it. Yeah. Now, listen to this. Hi, Chris and Rosie. This is a genuine question I asked my housemate, which was inspired by Woodrosie Eats. So, I put it back to you. And Rosie, would you drink your favorite beverage, alcoholic or non,

the choice is yours. We'll pause it here. Name your favorite beverage, alcoholic or non. Pinot Grigio. Okay, so your favorite Pinot Grigio. We've done this before, cold, beautiful, cold Pinot Grigio. White Pinot Grigio.

Okay, okay. From Chris's Nipples, if he lactated it like a pregnant breastfeeding woman He cannot express into a cup or other vessel It has to be straight up nipple sucking and this is the only way you can ever drink this drink again Quite sexy I Would love if you lactated. If you...oh my God! Adam's Dad Sorry! I feel like I'm gonna get a load of shit if I'm not lactating white wine now. Kirsty Like, imagine though, would be like getting jiggy and I'd just be like sucking on your nipples,

having a drink. Adam's Mom Getting some free white wine! Kirsty Duren! Oh my God, then you can go on top. Yeah, there it is, fantastic. I was slightly upset when my housemaid said she wouldn't drink full fat Coca Cola from me, even if I expressed it. She had a full on actual Barney about it. Oh guys, that was awesome, thank you so much. All of your Woodroosie Eats, please send them in to shagmountainnord.gmail.com babadoo babadoo babadoo baa it's time for what's your beef

whatty beef whatty beef whatty beef I'll go first because I think you need a little rest because you're nagged okay you got your bad eyes why don't you give it a week off my beef with you is you have a highly contagious eye infection I don't think it's right I don't think it's contagious you have a highly contagious eye infection. I don't think it's in, right, I don't think it's contagious. You have an eye infection.

Right, no, hang on. Alright, no, listen. No, shush. Are viral eye infections contagious? Just type in con there and then click on Google. Oh. Oh. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. So. Yeah. So yeah. No, they are. Yeah. So back to me point, you have a highly contagious eye infection and you have been leaving your little bowls of cool boiled water that you've been dipping your iPads in, not iPad, not like an Apple iPad, your little cotton pads for your eyes, you've

been leaving the bowls all over the fucking house like the end of signs. I don't. There was two in the bathroom, there was one by the side of your bed, there was one at the hallway at the top of the stairs and there was one on the kitchen island after you'd bathed your eyes in it. And then there was also some iPad things wrapped up in some toilet roll on the top of the toilet system. And I thought, is it a tampon?

No, it can't be. Or no, it's a monkey iPad. What are you touching them for? Because they're all around the place. They're everywhere. They're not like you don't breathe them in. But they're everywhere and I need to get around the house and you've left just balls of infected,

contaminated water lying around. Stop it. My beef with you is if this was happening to you, if you had an eye infection that was this bad, I had to go to hospital the other day guys, because my face was swollen. I'd had some sort of reaction to something and I rang the eye infirmary and they were like,

no good, A&E. If this was happening to you, you wouldn't be doing this podcast right now. 100%. You literally, you'd have been in bed, you wouldn't have spoken to a soul. Like, I was putting away your washing this morning and yesterday I did washing and I tied it up.

So you put away your washing but you can't put away your little balls of Mountain Yai juice. I don't feel like I've left them all over. I just feel like what I've done. End of signs. It's the end of signs. I need the baseball bat and I need the aliens to come in. I just need to hit balls of Mountain Yai water all over them. I've put them in places where I know I'm going to be walking past and I'm going to be moving them. I had to wash my pillowcases.

By the way, Rave's getting this because he will not leave us alone. He won't leave us the fuck alone. And I keep saying, like, don't, I've got, you can't come near us, but he doesn't care. He loves his mommy. He's obsessed. No, but back to what I was saying,

if this was happening to you right now, if you look this way and you felt the way I do, no. And you're a little trooper and that's great. You're a little, a little gunky-eyed sponky monkey trooper. I don't want to be a trooper. I'm sick of being a trooper. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.

You've done well. But stop leaving your balls of little mighty stuff all over. It's disgusting. I will. Have you got beef with me? Was that the beef? That was actually, that was my beef because we had an argument the other day because literally I'd been at the hospital, I felt really unwell and you

were like what I'm butty and I was are you I was I was asking you what you wanted no said you wanted to take away fuck off you a poll you actually apologized so why you're pretending that it didn't happen because it came out wrong when I said it it was really you said you wanted to get Indian or a Chinese takeaway and I said which one is it that you want? And you couldn't make your mind up. And I was like, right. So what is it that we're going to do then?

And then it sounded like I was saying, why can't you cook for me if I'm poorly? I tried. I said, I'll do you some spaghetti bolognese. And you said, I don't want that. After like 20 minutes of argument, I learned my lesson. And next time I looked after you last night, you did. And I'll look after you tonight. Thank you.

But I reserve the right to object to little bowls of juicy eye water being left around the house. Case closed. How it spreads. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! It's time for Questions from the Public! Yes from the Pee-ee- if you'd like to get in touch it's shagged myredenoid.gmail.com Hi Rosie and Chris, long time listener first time emailer. Hello. Oh no, long time listener long time emailer. Oh okay. Okay there might be more, sorry I've never

seen them. Just listening to the story of Chris and Harrogate and baby Colin I have a cracking one for you. My daughter who was 12 at the time was telling me that she was talking to someone on snapchat called Keith obviously this piqued my concern and I asked who on earth is Keith turns out he's a boy in her class Wow 12 year old called Keith yeah genuinely thought she was being groomed of course by. It's just Keith from Year 8. My gosh. Hilarious.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hello Chris and Rosie. Hope you're both well. Well I am but she's in a right fucking state. I'm going to be honest with you here guys. Oh, as soon as this happened I knew I needed to write in. I love that. Yeah.

I love that that we created that. That as soon as something disgusting happens people are like oh, you know who needs to know this. That's so cool. So now what you all, when you experienced that, now you all know what it's like to be a standup. When something embarrassing or disgusting or horrifying happens, you write it down and you go, well, this will go on stage.

It's awful, but it'll go on stage. So you're sort of almost living vicariously the way I am. So yeah, welcome to the club. Welcome to the club. Welcome, welcome. All right, so keep up because it's a bit tricky to understand, okay? My dad moved in with his partner

who happens to live on a farm. Right. Okay. His partner and her parents are experienced cow farmers. Partner, right, okay, so I'm a family of experienced cow farmers. Yep. Whom decided to start having pigs too. Okay, okay, so it's from a family of experienced cow farmers. Yep. Whom decided to start having pigs too.

Okay, branching out into pigs, nice use of the word whom, happy days. Lovely, yeah. I'm going to start trying to put one in stuff. One? Like one doesn't feel one. Yeah, no. Oh. No.

Oh, by the way, Dead Quickly. Yeah. There's an actor who I used to fancy a little bit, but I seen him in an interview in real life. He's really fucking posh. I don't fancy him anymore. Wow. There it is. Yeah. Like just used words that I was like, eww, eww. Massive, big, horrible, arty, farty words. Almost like he was acting.

Yeah. Yeah. I put it to you that you fancy the character he played, not the actor. Yeah, I've always fancied the character he's played. Well, and just very, very, didn't know that he was very, sign of a very good actor. Yeah. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just feel like we're talking about Cillian Murphy. Yeah. No, no. James McAvoy. No. Oh, no. I don't know. Not telling. OK. I fancy both of them. So do I. But it's not them. In order to get to know our stepmums' parents more, me and my two siblings, all in our twenties,

decided to spend some weekend at the farm helping. Awful. Okay. Okay. That'd be quite nice. What do you think? Go out for dinner with her. Don't go and work in the stressful, getting up at five in the morning, shitting, pissed pig cow farm. What are you doing?

It's my idea of hell. Like, how do you, that's not how you get to know someone. Oh, I mean, like, would you do it like, oh, my dad's just, my new stepmom's a nurse, we're going to go and work on A&E with her for the weekend. No. What, you're just, you're going to piss her off. You don't know what you're doing. One weekend, our dad informed us that we would be doing more than just helping with the cows. It's like a fucking... What was that thing that Paris Hilton did? The Simple Life.

Yeah, it's like this. That's coming back. Sa-ra-sa! Is it? With the same two people? Sa-ra-sa! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Christ.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, I loved The Simple Life. So good. It was massive at the time. Yeah, it was brilliant. Made my case to watch massive at the time. Yeah. Everyone taught me. Made my case to watch it all the time. Okay. So the informant that we couldn't be doing more than helping with the cows. We couldn't believe it when he said that they had some pig sperm delivered in the post to inseminate one of the pigs they recently bought. In the post. The pig was named Peggy. Peggy the pig. Bob, stepmums dad, that's a Bob that is the dad, who is in his eighties had separated Curly from the other pigs. Right. I don't understand. Who's

Curly? Curly's, Curly, I don't know. Is Curly the one that's going to get the sperm put in her? Must be. Well who was the other one they were talking about? Peggy. Peggy? Was Peggy the one who gave the sperm? I'm so confused. I don't know. Anyway, Curly's been separated.

Curly's, right, yeah. Read on, let's see if I can piece this together. Right. What the fuck a nightmare. Bob, the stepdad, told my dad to straddle the pig and hold Curly in between his legs. Jesus Christ, this is horrible. My dad, wanting to impress his future in-laws, did everything that Bob told him to do. Once the pig was in between my dad's legs, Bob

told him to keep her still and calm while he inserted a small tube. Bob at first struggles to get the tube in the correct area of the pig so asked my dad to try and get the pig excited. By this point me and my siblings were stood watching in shock and laughter as our dad who had never worked with animals before let alone be asked to arouse a pig. The tube was successfully inserted by Bob then my step-mum brought out the goods as Bob described it. So the step-mum brought out the sperm. Sorry, how did he excite the pig? I don't want to know if I'm honest with you, and I don't think we should put it on this public platform because I think it's illegal.

I'm guessing it might have involved a bit of distro. Working an acoustic guitar out, singing a couple of songs. Maybe. I don't know. Some sort of two-course dinner. Who knows? But this is what you have to do on these farms. Again, again, why I wouldn't be choosing this to do.

This is what gets done. It's like a thing. It's a full on thing. Bob was explaining that sperm will be put in the tube and then using gravity to allow it to drip into the pig. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip's upset us. The fact that it came in a post has upset me beyond belief. I'm so annoyed that it came in the post has upset me beyond belief. I'm so annoyed that I'm so upset that it came in the post.

How's it lasted in the post? I don't know what's going on. Came in the post. Came in the post. The sperm was put in the tube while the pig was still in between my dad's leg. This is just, this is awful. This seemed to be a slow process

as the sperm was thick. Oh God, why do you whisper that? And you should see what you did with her hands as well other woman just said that like an italian describing a good fucking meal. It was horrible what you did with your hands there. Oh it was thick like like fat like the first. Oh no stop it just doing it with her hands you know what i mean like yes. Bobby became impatient so decided to blow down the tube to hurry oh no you can't do that well as we watched in complete shock bob placed you all right sorry i i know exactly what's gonna happen here as we watched i don't see i don't know but i know exactly what's gonna happen because i've

tried to wee in a bottle before and if you if you make it air tight go on okay i think you're wrong. Okay. As we watched in complete shock, Bob placed his lips around the tube. The tube was slightly bigger than a straw in circumference. Without thinking, Bob's automatic reflex when the tube was perched in his lip was sucking.

No, no! Oh God! Oh, you dog, Bob! Bob got a mouthful. Oh, what are you doing? Did he spit it back in? The disgusting thought was, was Bob going to spit or swallow?

We were all hoping for spit, but no. Bob swallowed and only realized that he had done it when it was too late. Oh Bob. Pig still in between my dad's legs and my dad in shock, Bob decided to carry on. Again, he put his lips around the tube in blue. Poor Peggy had a shock when the sperm and Bob's breath reached her backside um i don't think Bob gives a fuck i think Bob's just like oh right get in there that's what come on in here

he's like what you been up to where's he from i feel like he's from yorkshire i feel like all farmers are from york see i thought what you're gonna see i thought you were gonna see blue but because it wasn't going anywhere because it was a tight that it just came out went on his face but that's a thousand times no because I totally know where he's coming from if you put your lips around a straw it is it is a total just reef you know there is no fucking there's no chance there's no chance you could put a tube with pig spunk in it in my mouth and my reflex would be oh I'm having a can of Fanta on the beach in Spain

Nope, I'm fucking blow-darting the shit out of that. There is no that would I won't put my mouth around it I wouldn't put me that oh Yeah, but you're not a farmer are you? I never will be Yeah, fuck we couldn't believe what we just witnessed it's safe to say we'll never look at Barry in the same way as before He's no longer a sweet and innocent old man. Who the fuck is Barry? Oh Bob sorry. The names have changed a million times here. Oh I miss Barry. Peggy, Curly, Bob, fucking bashtreed kids covered in fucking pig spunk. I don't know what's going on downs up ups down. I meant Bob so I just said Barry sorry I didn't mean him. Peggy, successfully fell pregnant.

So who the fuck's...where's Curly? Who's Peggy? We made this up! I don't know what this is. So, hang on. So Curly, it must have been Curly. Must have been Curly's spunk. Is this person trying to keep these pigs anonymous? It's not what's happened! They're trying to give the pigs a...

They're trying to give a pig a fucking, what's it called? All that ego? No. A pseudonym. They're trying to give the pigs a pseudonym and they've got mixed up. Well anyway, Curly slash Peggy successfully fell pregnant and gave birth to seven piglets named Gary, Larry, Harry, Carrie, Barry, Darry and Steve. Seven would-be piglets died in the stomach acid in Bob's stomach. Great. Done. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba

Dear Chris and Rosie, here is a little ache I have just discovered. Picture the scene. I'm in the postnatal ward with my wife and our beautiful new-born daughter. Oh, that's a man's ache. It's a man's ache It's a man's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Distant conversations from the other new parents machines beeping with babies crying what you'd usually expect from the world. Do you know what, mate? You've set the scene beautifully there. Thank you. Yeah. What a beautifully well written introduction that stop touching your eyes.

Oh, stop it. You're going to have eggs. And she is. By the way, might have been a woman. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Just want to correct you there.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, alright, it could be a woman. Yeah. Wish I had two mams. Honestly. Anytime I see lesbians on Instagram raising families and living together, I'm so fucking jealous. Absolutely unreal, innit? Two two mums you're fucking joking two mums imagine yeah no disrespect dads like you know lovely two mums that is what are the chances of one of them fucking off to play golf for five hours on a Sunday is very slim

exactly I would love two mums oh god what I think the long after it's true here I am sat on the most uncomfortable chair in the world enjoying a nice daddy and daughter cuddle when from nowhere a man starts singing to his new baby to the theme of Family Guy Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Is that the Peanut Butter Jelly Time Peanut Butter Jelly Time? Where yet? Where yet?

I never knew that was a Family Guy. He's changed the words. Do you want to hear the new words? Oh, yes, please. Time for some titty time, time for some titty time, titty time, titty time, time for some titty time. Because it's about recipe. Instant Ick. Oh, no. Oh, well. Well, well, well.

What an awful song, I think. Horrible. Oh well, well well well, what an awful song to sing to a baby. Horrible. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Do do do do do do. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Oied, which is part of the A-Cast Creator Network. It is indeed.

Thank you very much for listening. If you've got anything to send in at all, shaggedmarriedandoied.gmail.com and honestly, thank you so much to everyone who sends everything in. We do not take it for granted and we don't take the fact that you're listening for granted as well. So thank you and we'll be back in a year's next week. See you later. Bye. to getting a flu shot. Consider Flu-Celvax Quad and help protect yourself from the flu. It's the first cell-based flu vaccine authorized in Canada for ages six months and older,

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