Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 295. Allegedly

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

On this week's podcast Rosie is in a sing-y mood and the couple disagree over music genres! They start planning their 300th episode and share their bread and butter problems. Nana Bridget makes a cameo and there's an update on her stairlift! Beefs involve some live action audio and bad smells are lingering... QFTP involve sleep talking, an awkward moment on a bus a geeky ick. Email the podcast [e-mail] Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Ramsey. Hello. And I am in a singy mood. Yes, you are in a singy mood today. I'm sorry to tell you. It's like, I can't stop. Can I just get...no, no, you hear this. It's alright.

Let's talk, what, dead quick. Get it out of your system. Okay. I'm coming, wait for me. I hear the walls repeating. It's turning in my heart and it's time to get out of here. I'm coming, wait for me. I hear the walls repeating.

It's turning in my heart and it's time to get out of here. I hear the walls repeating. It's turning in my heart and it's time to get out of here. I hear the walls repeating. It's turning in my heart and it's time to it out of your system. Okay. I'm coming, wait for me. I hear the walls repeating. It's turning in my heart and it sounds like drumming. And I'm not alone. I don't know the words. Good, that'll do. I've gotta get the end. She's gotta get the end, but she doesn't know the words. Has that even a thing?

I actually can't sing it very well. But, Could've done that before the press record. God almighty pack it in. Stop. Stop. Stop. It's like an itch. I know an itch. I'm looking at one right now. I do feel better. I'm sorry. I'm looking at a little fucking itch right now. It's like if I don't scratch it and I don't scream and I don't shout and I don't sing What song was that? It's from um, Hades town, which is a musical On the west end. I haven't actually seen it but they sound again

I've said this before a song a normal song if you're just singing a song which is on the radio or whatever I'd be okay, but it's it's all from look at me Music and I can't fucking bear it. I can't. It's that voice that they put on. But we don't want to hear it. Eccentric. Yeah, it's just, oh God.

Yeah, they've all got their fucking microphones and their hairline. Oh, all coming out. You know, backstage they're all just wanting someone to break their legs so they can take their part and be bigger and stab each other in the back to get more famous. Yeah, bunch of fucking snakes. I know your game, all you little fucking.

I've been watching on TikTok, there's a, she's the lead, is she? I think she's English, but she's in America doing the lead alphabet on the Wicked 2F. Not for long, someone will have her, someone will kick her down some stairs. Do you know what it is? Like, I mean, that's horrific.

But it's so intense, so literally, she's constantly like warming up. She has physio load. She's always got like a nebulizer, which is like with saline in. It's really good for your throat. I'm gonna get one. Nebulizer? Is it called a nebulizer? I don't know. It sounds like it sounds like some of Star Trek. Honestly, I wasn't asked about anything you were saying until you said nebulizer and then I got really interested. No, I'm sure it's called a nebulizer. It's like a steam thing. But you know how I've got my steamer? Yeah, looks like a little bong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's lush. Excuse me. And then she gets physio on her mouth during the show. So she just lies down and some lassie comes in and just kind of like massages all like her glance and that and I throw it in her mouth. Is it worth it? I mean, yeah. Is it worth it? Should be on good money as well.

Like. It's got to be painted green every day. Twice. I read the comments. Oh, no. I read the comments and someone was like, do you have to like de-greenify yourself every day? And she was like, yeah, because the makeup is different in Act act one to act two so she has to do that twice a day.

Just be green. I would just be green from then on. I would just be like I'm not washing this all day. I'm just green now. That's me thing. I think I read somewhere, this might be bullshit, but you know Goldfinger the James Bond film where in one of the bits that he kills a woman and just paints her gold, that was his thing. Is that what it was? I can't ever remember that one. Well, there's a gold woman on a bed. I just remember the one with him with horrible teeth. He's Jaws. I think he's in a few of them, but the older ones.

But yeah, so I'm sure I've read some of that. When someone's body's fully painted like that, they have to leave like a big bit of their back unpainted cuz you can like suffocate or something Hey, I'm sure I made this is the stupidest thing you've ever said You're gonna suffocate yourself by paint painting your full body Remember Kanye West had all them gold dancers my My friend did that. I went to school with her. I think, did that happen? Do you know what I mean? Like, did that happen?

I'm sure she did. Oh, here we are. Can someone really suffocate from being covered with gold paint like Jill Masterson in Goldfinger? No. We do not breathe through her skin. First sentence. Wow.

Okay, well, two things. You're just gills. One. Sorry, don, well, two things. McGills. One. Sorry, don't cover McGills. Two things. One, I have believed that for an unbelievable amount of time. And the things you've said to me.

Oh, totally. Yeah, what's so relevant in it? But also, whatever this website is, McGill, McGill. McGill. McGill and McGills. Don't cover McGills. Oh, God. Are you rapping me? Absolutely. No, I'm not. is McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill

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McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McGill McG I've treged through it for ages. The first line is no. No. Ah, happy days, yeah. No, we do not be through our skin. James Bond seemingly was unaware of this fact, given that after discovering the golden corpse,

he tells M, she died of skin suffocation. It's been known to happen to cabaret dancers. All right, so it's actually in the film. Oh, so it's a plot, right? Oh God! God, I'm an idiot. Did you think it was real life? First of all, I need to re-watch all the old James Bonds because I can't remember any of plot. Oh God. God, I'm an idiot. Did you think it was real life? First of all, I need to rewatch all the old James Bond's

because I can't remember any of them. Can you do that while I'm not there? Thank you very much. No, you will watch them as well. Like Clockwork Orange, I'll sit you down. We'll prop your eyes open. We'll tie you up and you'll make sure you watch them. Do you know, I used to quite like Clockwork Orange.

I have never seen all of Clockwork Orange. Have you not? No, it's quite depressing. It's very, I know it's not the same, but also there's a film that I want to watch with the kids one day, but I just, they're not ready. Please don't say it's Clockwork Orange. It's, I know it's not the same, but also there's a film that I want to watch with the kids one day, but I just, they're not ready. Please don't say it's called Wearing Orange.

It's not called Wearing Orange. The kids aren't watching that. It's returned at Oz. Ah, right. They're not ready? They're not ready for it? Oh, our bands are not ready for that. They're not, Robin is not ready. He's not ready.

Yeah. My fuckers need to know. My fuckers need to know. Private jokes, I will. I read a crazy thing, I think I told you about this. I read a crazy thing about the first, the first Wizard of Oz movie was absolutely cursed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I told you this the other day. It was like the guy in the lion, the lion costume was made from real lion hair and it used to like sweat his beard off and he used to pass out and then it had to be held up at each, dried out each night. I bet you that fucking stank by the end. They went through like five directors.

The guy who was dressed as a tin man, he breathed in some of like some aluminium based paint or something for his makeup, aluminium based makeup. Like in Goldfinger. No, no, but this like lined his lungs and nearly done him in. And Judy Garland who was in it, the studio had her on a strict diet of pills,

coffee and cigarettes. Yeah, she was quite damaged. Poor was quite damaged by the end I think. Show business back in the day, it was ruthless you know. Oh that was it, and the snow, in the snow scene, the snow was asbestos. Jesus Christ. Fucking grated asbestos, like Parmesan in an Italian rep morse, tell us when sir.

Dead yet? It is, I watched it with the Bens a few weeks ago. It's quite good. It's absolutely horrible. So it's got the same sound as a musical. It's got this it's that. It is a musical. Yeah, but it's that sound. It's that really is there anyone here? Drop it down. I see. You know, it's sad. And now we have gone back to the point that we started with. So welcome back everyone. I love that though. I love it. It makes me heart go, oh, when people are like, one short day in the Emerald City. Sing it yourself. Literally sing it yourself.

And how does everyone around you know the words? How have you, random person, burst into song? And how do all these people know the words and the dance moves? Did you come to this village earlier? And tell all of these people this? What about, like, that's a stupid thing to say, because it's a story.

That's just the problem with musicals. But how come, you would love to go watch Jay-Z, and then bloody, what's his mates, come on. What? Like, and they're all, whoa, whoa, whoa, all adding in to me, stupid. Right, but I- What he's doing, you're echo What? Like in the old, whoa, whoa, whoa, all adding in to me, stupid. Right. What he's doing, you're echoing, you're a grown man.

Do you know what I mean though? It's actually cause on most hip hop tracks, their voices, their echo, their voice at the end of each word, at the end of each sentence, sorry. But you listen to Eminem, the end of each sentence of Eminem, there's three Eminems saying that. Then they all just slightly off each other. It's like there's a gang of them rapping at the same time.

That's why it sounds, I can't do it. Cause I'm just me. Okay, well no, you do it to me. Rosie, I can't. I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the Slim Shady. All you are the Slim Shades are just imitating. So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up. Please stand up.

Please stand up. It's called harmonising, Chris. But if you listen. And that's what they do in musicals, so actually you love musicals. But my point is, if you listen to Eminem, there's three or four of him talking at the same time, it's not recorded three or four times and they must just lay them over each other, so it sounds really fucking heavy and like in your face because it's like three of them going aggagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagag Sad. Are you gonna be alright by the way? Why? Just with everything that's going on at the minute in the news. What do you mean? I think there's gonna be a couple of your idols crushed. Right. Coming up.

What, hip hop people and that? Yeah. I'll be alright. I'll manage. Are you preparing yourself? I'll manage. When good things happen in my life, I'll have to change the songs I sing, but there it is. Maybe you've got some musical songs for us. I've got loads. Yeah.

Yeah. Who knows? Who knows? But it has been a year. Yeah. To the day from when this gets released, it's been a year since we sat on a sofa with him who shall not be named. Oh, and the Graham Norton show. Yeah, that was an odd little day, wasn't it?

More about that. Yes, but I have been listening to a lot of podcasts about the situation of the man who we're talking about and what the Americans do very, very well because they're like very media trained than the Brits I think yeah they always just say at the end of every sentence allegedly yeah everything that we've just said allegedly there is all right all right I'll use that okay good stuff so guys thank you so much for being here thank you so much for listening it is episode 295 shut the fridge yeah that's mad that that is mad in five episodes we'll have to get absolutely fucking stop and we're gonna get starting from

saying this but I think we should get the kids looked after and that's like yeah get absolutely stop it's just hard because I know that everybody listening will understand that we're at that time in our life where childcare is scarce, you know, we're looking for childcare, but it's still scarce, right? And you don't want to waste it. Yeah. But would it be wasted?

I don't like getting them looked after. I don't like doing it. But then again, also, I can't be doing this during the day, getting stoned with you and then getting a taxi to pick them up From school and nursery because that would look terrible. No, why don't we why don't we see if me mom will come over right and stay the night Yeah, and we'll do it on a night time when they're in bed. We'll come up here Get started and we'll do it. Oh god. That's exciting. Everyone listening. I'll make don't hold your breath for this Oh, that'd be nice. Listen, we're just eating snacks on a microphone. That'd be great that everyone love that

What was it eat live Hold your breath for this. Oh, that'd be nice listening to we're just eating snacks on a microphone. That'd be great that. Everyone love that. Huh? Fair enough. What do we eat live? Yeah. By the way. Yeah. I need to stop eating bread. You need to, yeah. You're making so much bread.

It's, I can't, you know, you thought it was a fad, didn't you? It's the butter. That's the problem. It's the butter. That's the problem. You're like, I've made this bread and it's got less additives than the bread at the supermarket. Yeah's the butter that's the problem. You're like, I've made this bread and it's got less additives than the bread

at the supermarket. Yeah, but I'm having, I'm having fucking ounces of butter. Every time I'm being- I'm measuring my butter like a Colombian drug load. I'm measuring ounces and kilos in this butter. Fuck the grams, grams are gone. Grams are for the street punks. I'm on kilos of butter now.

It's getting crazy, man. I'm gonna die. Cocaine. I implied it, you didn't need to say it. I just think it's wild. I've never tried it. Good for you. No, I mean, just don't get it. Allegedly. No, I genuinely haven't.

Allegedly. I have not. I'll tell you if I had. Okay, allegedly. Christopher, I would tell you if I had. I don't understand why you would like sniff something up. You know, to me it's really, it's like horrible. Allegedly. Oh for fuck's sake.

That's great, that's me knowing. Okay, it's time for this week's sponsor. I'll tell you what's more upsetting than drugs, this week's sponsor. This week's sponsor is, and it's something I haven't thought about for a long time and I had a memory the other day and I remembered it. And I don't know if you've encountered these people listening, you might be one of these people. You might be one of these people. If you are one of these people who stop listening now, we don't want you here.

Or you might know one of these people. This week's sponsor is People Who Prefer Their Cereal Soggy. Oh yeah, no. No, they don't exist. I'm telling you right now, I got a memory the other day. I'm telling you, I was making cereal in the kitchen and I remember, I stayed at my mates once

when he was at uni, I stayed at his house and he made two things he did that really upset us. He made a cup of tea and he left the tea bag and I was like, do you want the tea bag out? He was like, no, I'd like to leave it. It was like fucking Bavril by the time he was drinking it. No, no, so he just left it on the side. He was like, no, I like the tea bag in fact, he just was like Bavril, it was insane fucking Bovril by the time he was finished. While he was drinking it? No, no, so he just left it on the side. He was like, no, I like the tea bag in ages.

It was like Bovril, it was insane, right? But. I love Bovril. He poured, I remember it was special K, right? And he poured it, and he poured the milk to like too much milk, to like the height of it. And then I went right in, I went in, and he went, oh, leave it, he went,

I like it, I like it all soggy. I went, you are taking the piss, aren't you? And then he went back to it at one point, and I thought, oh, he's gonna start eating now, and he didn't use his spoon. To push it down. Yeah, the piss, aren't you? And then he went back to it at one point and I thought, oh, he's gonna start eating now. And he didn't use his spoon. And he just- Yeah, the flakes that weren't in the milk. He moved, like he basically did a little system

where he rotated them and then he just ate. Have fucking porridge. There's been times that I've poured a bowl of Cheerios and you've started talking to me and I've gone, Chris, I've got, there's a window for this. I mean, yes, I was thinking about this. I am jealous in a way of people, most things I take the piss off, I'm jealous. I am jealous in a way of people who are gonna have soggy cereal because when I pour a bowl of special K I get almost anxiety at the fact of how quick I've got to eat that. Yeah I know. Sometimes I don't put the milk back in the fridge because that's time that it's gonna sog so I literally eat it standing up at the counter with a little fort of the box and the milk bottle around us. I like crunchy cereal. I'm out of breath sometimes when I've finished eating cereal.

You're out of breath when you eat everything, babe. You eat, you eat. I am, I'm like, I'm still crunchy. Dog. Oh God, it was still crunchy, but I feel like I'm going to pass out. Yeah, so there we go. If you're, hey, get in touch. If you prefer your cereal soggy, get in touch. Tell them why. Please don't. No, please don't.

No, don't, because I've got to read some of these. This is Morning Radio, and this is what we're talking about today. Do you prefer your Serial Soggy, here's McFly. I love McFly. Don't hit the piss, because that might be your job in 10 years time.

What, serial? No. Morning Radio? I mean, yeah. Should we invent a serial? I'll write it down, will you? Oh, for fuck's sake. Don't headbutt the microphone.

I've got, so you guys, you're probably not signed up, you might be, I don't know, the Acast Plus, we do an extra special, we do an extra episode every fortnight. We thought we'd invent, Chris thought he'd invented something, I wrote it down, but it actually does already exist, and it was a rear view wank mirror. It was a monitor, a computer monitor with rear view mirrors

in so you can see someone coming when you're having a wank. And I thought we're gonna sell them. Zip your tiddler away and just quickly turn the monitor off. What was that that we just said? See if you can remember. What do you think you've invented? What we were just talking about?

What was it you were gonna write down before you headbutted the microphone and started talking about that? God it's gone. Cereal that doesn't go soggy? No. Yes. No it's yeah but it's been, doesn doesn't. Cereal that doesn't go soggy? Yes. No, it's, yeah. But it's been, doesn't he do that on National Lampoon's Christmas vacation?

He says he's got a, he's got a thing that makes cereal. It keeps it crispy for longer. What did you just invent then? What did you just say? I didn't, I just said we're gonna invent a cereal. No, it was something more, it was something better than that.

It genuinely wasn't. You said that'll be you one day, meaning you're gonna be a breakfast radio presenter. And then I said, what cereal something better than that. It genuinely wasn't. You said that'll be you one day, meaning you're gonna be your breakfast radio presenter, and then I said, what cereal? That was it. Okay. Good God.

Good, good God, let me smiley. No more singing, no more singing. I'm not alright today, I'm on one. I'm fucking. You're better though, your eyes are fixed. You're happy, yeah? Oh, this is what I mean. I'm buzzing today.

This is the good week, and also I feel better. Yeah. I wanted to die last week when my eye was bad. No longer the gunky-eyed spongebob. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm the clean eye. For a white guy. And all the girls say he's got a clean eye for a white guy.

Duh-dum-dum-dum. Oh, how our choir would do that. Oh fuck it all. We had a fight about the Jingle Jingle We couldn't settle on a Jingle Jingle So this is the Jingle Jingle We hope you like the Jingle Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba, jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed, Annoyed, Annoyed,

Annoyed, Annoyed, Annoyed, Annoyed, Annoyed. Awful. I feel like we have to apologise, I feel like we're all over the place in that intro. We are a bit, but it's fine. It's crazy. It's just, sometimes your brain just, oh man, we've got a ball Ali. Goes all over the a bit but it's fine. It's just sometimes your brain just goes all over the place doesn't it yeah. But you're alright, you're better. You feel better. I'm so much better. Your well rested race has been sleeping in the past couple of days.

You've had an absolute touch mate. Yeah he has, he's been sleeping super well. But I did not sleep well the other night. Jesus Lord Lord, have mercy. I had I had about two hours. Do you know them nights when you just cannot sleep? I had two hours sleep and I genuinely I had a Pepsi Max at six o'clock. Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah, because you are 85 years old. You are and I'm not having to join you on that. Yeah. Yeah, you had a Pepsi.

Is that what it genuinely is that what it was? And I don't know. I don't know. We were filming the next day. We were, we were doing stuff for the pilot that we're doing. And it was like, I don't think you had stuff in your head. You don't know. I mean, I've, I, again, I can't stress how much I can't enjoy, um, espresso martini on a night out, even if the tellers it's decaf. Oh yeah no I'm not drinking them. Who's drinking them? Who the fuck is drinking them? I go I can't enjoy this because I'm like I can't if I look at a coffee past two o'clock in the afternoon I'm up for four days. Yeah but also

doesn't give us any energy immediately though. No it doesn't give us any energy in the moment. I still trudge through my fucking day and then you know 10 o'clock at night. You should have more energy because you I tell you what's given me so much more energy. What? No sugar. No sugar? The no sugar life. I swear to God. I've slipped out of that.

Well yeah. So when I was poorly I tell you didn't I? You had six bags of Maltesers. I had six mini bags of Maltesers one after the other. And then not last night the night before I had a mini Snickers. Right. But still pretty low on the sugar like I'm not gonna lie. And the energy is so much better. Well, when we were filming the other day,

I had five of these Viennese sandwich things, five of them. Do you know? They are delicious. Oh, unbelievable. But then they ran out, and then I saw, I've never felt so betrayed in my entire life. I saw a packet, someone brought them in, someone brought the teas and coffees in,

and there was a packet of what looked like custard creams. I thought, packet, someone brought them in, someone brought the teas and coffees in and there was a packet of what looked like custard creams. I thought, oh fucking hell, desperate times, go on. I mean I do like custard cream, but I would never pick it. But they're there, like fucking dust. They're just there. Do you know what I mean? They exist. And I was like, right, I'll have one of these. Fucking lemon, won't it?

Some kind of lemon flavoured custard cream. I nearly smashed that room up. I was so angry. Do you not like bourbons? Nah. They were there as well but I thought, Christ, they'll have some orange in them or something the way this is going. Yeah, desperate times.

Booby trapped fruit biscuits. Do you remember fig rolls? No. Never had a fig roll with me Nana. I used to have them all the time. What's a...stop hitting the microphone. I'm so sorry. I can't help it.

What's a fig roll? I think it's got figs in. Couldn't tell you. But they're just pure scrap in the barrel of biscuits. I remember I'd go to my nana's and I'd be like, nana, are you fucking taking the piss out of me? Not a biscuit, is it? Where's your chaffa cakes?

Where's your Maryland cookies? Where, like honestly, where's your custard creams and your Bourbons? I mean, they're like lower tier. Fig rolls, I would eat them like, but. What's a fig, I'm gonna have to Google fig roll. They're just they're just grim and they're just reminders of being you know of elderly people. No just Nana love you but she is you know she's an artist. Oh okay. Did you ever have him? Oh no they are packets. Oh god these look fucking vile. Oh god. Let's

have a look. Oh Jesus. Yeah they're horrible. Oh I mean McVitie's do something like. Oh they look like them little fruit bars that would give rave. Oh yeah yeah yeah they are actually that's exactly what they're like but they weren't they weren't very sweet they were like a bit tangy. Well no because they've got fucking figs in there. Very tart a fig. Very tart yeah. Oh god.

So they would be desperate times and it would always be. Like dog treats. Yeah yeah yeah it would always be met with ee I've not been to. It would always be met with, he have not been to shops. And I go, eh, your back's killing, is it? Eh, your back's killing. Have you seen that meme, by the way? Nope. Sorry to mention a meme. It was a very, I need to show you.

Can I just explain it to everyone? Because I'm not good at it. There was a really funny meme where a young lad is videoing his nana and he's a jolly kid. And he goes to his nana, he goes, do you want to play this nana? And she go and she just answers and clearly says no.

And he goes, oh no, cause your back's killing isn't it? Your back's killing. I'm just really pissed. That's what it's come to now guys. So this is the podcast. This is now a podcast where we badly explain memes you might not have seen. So welcome, welcome to the hell.

Welcome to the downfall. Oh, I hate myself. My point is, right, I'm looking at these fig roll things and I've seen stuff like this kicking about. Like I say, it looks like a dog treat. It looks disgusting. It tasted like one. But it's always, why do people keep buying

the shit things that don't get eaten? I haven't been in the shop. I've only got these shit things that I keep buying that don't get eaten. Yeah, I don't know. And I'll go to the shop and I'll buy all the good stuff. Then I'll buy the shit stuff as well. Yeah, I don't know.

The filler. I don't know. Honestly don't know. Pack it in everyone. I know. Pack it in. But I think she's shit stuff as well. The filler. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Pack it in everyone. I know. Pack it in. But I think she's up that biscuit game. Because Rafe likes a biscuit on a stairlift.

Yes. So the kids go now, the younger kids, and they go and they sit on a stairlift and they just go up and down eating biscuits. I mean. And it's just what a life. And I mean, buzzing if they'd had stairlifts when I was young. Or like, you know, it's just what a life. I mean, buzzing if that had to stay a lift when I was young or like, you know, so whenever I take Robin to the opticians,

there's a stay and if the opticians always asks to use it, he goes on me. He goes on me. Yes. But he doesn't understand why you can't use them on your patients. I go, I'll fucking tell you why, because we'll be halfway up and like a couple of tosses and someone at the bottom will need it. And I'll have to go on. Really? Sorry. I'll just let me stupid soon go on it for a laugh. We'll it back down for you wait there heyyyyyyyyy window I don't think I think it only goes one speed but she's counted it and she just yes she's not a fan I don't think she would be a fan but yeah it's good it's more so she says she uses it to just carry like carry all the stuff on a on a knee to go up and then line as a fig rolls

upstairs and I did say it or Nana Nana, the Baines love it so what are you gonna do? There we go. But the Baines. Just a quick shout out, Karl Hutchinson, friend of the podcast, he's doing shows in Newcastle. I did not okay with a shout out. Well it's okay, look I said I'd give him a little shout out. 22nd and 23rd of November, Tyne Theatre Newcastle, it's a brand new show if you've seen them on tour before and a film in the Saturday so there we go. I'm totally joking by the way. Just thought I'd give my shower out because he's not touring with me anymore so he's not flogging his ways because I'm not on tour. He's not flogging his ways in the interval but we're doing Laughs for Kids. We are. Laughs for Kids 15th of December 6 p.m.

at Newcastle Utility Arena. We're on. There's loads of great comedians on. Jason Cook's hosting it. Yes I think it it's going to... Sorry, I just think it's going to be loads of fun. I'm really looking forward to it. Maybe I might sing a little Christmas. I mean, you're definitely going to. Jenga? You're definitely going to. Jason said to me, he was like, do you think Rosie would be up for singing? I was like, she would... What a fucking stupid question.

Is he off his face? He's just going to be a laurate. So it should be good. So there's tickets on the Utility website for that. You buy your ticket and then you come and you bring unwrapped toy for a child and we're gonna get a load of presents for kids all over the North East who might wake up on Christmas Day otherwise without a gift. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime. Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning.

Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. From searchlight pictures comes A Real Pain, one of the most moving and funny films of the year. Written and directed by Oscar-nominated Jesse Eisenberg and starring Eisenberg and Emmy Award winner Kieran Culkin, A Real Pain is a comedy about mismatched cousins who reunite for

a tour through Poland to honor their beloved grandmother. The adventure takes a turn when the pair's old tensions resurface against the backdrop of their family history. A Real Pain was one of the busiest titles at Sundance Film Festival this year, garnering rave reviews and acclaim from both critics and audiences alike. See A Real Pain only in theaters November 15th. This is an ad by BetterHelp.

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Let the gratitude flow. Visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com. I need to tell everyone about my dramatic episode. Yes. That happened last week. Okay. Yeah.

All the trauma. I think I know what you're gonna say, come on then. So, you know, I faint quite often. Just, I have my entire life. I think it's like hormonal, and I think I might have IBS. I don't know, I can't be arsed to look into it because they're gonna tell us that I can't eat something and I just don't, you know, whatever.

Anyway. Sorry, Mrs. Ramsey, we've had a look here and it's anything pickled sets this off. That would probably, honestly, and I'd say. Mrs. Ramsey, just checking your chart here. Do you eat stuff that's in brine? All the time. And pickled water, that's your problem.

Yeah, you can't do that anymore. And that'll solve everything, you know. I'd rather die. Great. So the other morning Rafe woke up crazy early at like quarter to five. Yeah he woke up at quarter five and I was just like oh for god's sake anyway got to quarter six. I hadn't even had a coffee because usually a coffee you know brings your stuff on right. Yeah. And I was just laying there in bed trying to sleep but

he was pulling me here anyway and I got this gripey pain in my stomach and I was just laying there in bed, trying to sleep, but he was pulling me here anyway. And I got this gripey pain in my stomach and I was like, oh God, I need to go to the toilet right now. Went to the toilet and I felt it. It's like a stab up your, it's like labor, it's like labor pains, that's what it feels like. And I was like, oh fuck, it's happening, it's happening. I went all funny and in my mouth, got to the library, I was like, I'm gonna faint.

So I lay down on the floor, I don't wanna do it. I know when you're gonna do it. I know when I'm gonna, and when I was younger, I fainted on the, I didn't, I just let it keep happening and I lay down on the floor. I don't wanna do it. I know when I'm gonna, and when I was younger, I fainted on the, I didn't, I just let it keep happening and I fainted on the toilet and I missed the sink by like an inch.

And I could have cracked my head open and I landed in a pile of toilet rolls, luckily. But from that moment, I thought, just lie down. Let's be honest here. We all know that that's a lie. You landed on a heavily carpeted bathroom floor on probably what's a pile of clothes. What? How dare you? Yeah that's so rude. Pile of toilet rolls sounds like a lie to me. It was a heavily

carpeted then one of the toilet probably a toilet you know you had a carpet and then you had a little rug around your toilet that just soaked all the piss. We did not. You had about five of them I guarantee. We definitely't. But I'm surprised there was a lot of toilet roll because I remember there just never been toilet roll. I've wiped my front bum on a toilet roll cardboard. Great. Yeah. That's horrible.

Absolutely have. So you're welcome. Anyway, so I lay down and then I woke up in a different position. So I don't know what happened there. Right. And afterwards, me nose did hurt. I think I smashed me nose. Anyway, that's not the story. So whilst I was lay on the ground, yeah, kind of coming around

just a bit like disorientated, feeling horrific trousers down me ankles, off vagina out the lot. Right. So I was trying to lay flat on the cold tiles. It was freezing. And I was shouting to Ray. I was like to lay flat on the coaltiles it was freezing and I was shouting to Rafe I was like Rafe please go get your dad please go get daddy Rafe and do you know what he said? What? He literally shouted back no I'm too tired. No I'm too tired. Oh my god. So, well, that's why I came to get you.

You opened the door of the room I was sleeping in and I just heard the door open and I heard like, and then he like trotted off down the car and I was like, what the fuck's going on? I was like, is she sleepwalking or something? And then I walked in and you were like upside down on the bed with your feet up the headboard guy. I've had it. I've made it. And Rafe was just like looking at us as if to go, oh, it's fucking, she's been made,

alright, seen in here. Little bastard. That's when you know that your children are really different because honestly, Robin at his age would have been in there with a wet paper towel on my head being like, I'll get daddy. Yeah. Rafe, absolute fucking little wanker. I was shouting at him for at least,

being totally realistic about three minutes. I was like, please, Rafe. And I was, I fainted, Rafe, please go and get dad. And at one point I'm definitely said, it's an emergency. And he fucking did not move. His little lazy Oz off that bed. Baron of Might, he's the one who'd woke you up an hour previous. No, no, no you get him. I'm too tired.

He's stubborn like, he's proper stubborn. Swear to God, so that was my life. But that's the only thing I miss about us sleeping in a bed together. Because it happens quite often that I do. I don't know if we talked about it on the podcast, but you fainted, I think we did. You fainted in a hotel once in London and I thought you were dead. That was horrible.

That was horrible. God. That's the first I actually thought was going on. I was crying and everything. Literally slapping you around the face to try and get you to come to. Let it out. Got a lot of anger out of it as well, to be fair.

It was quite therapeutic. What did I look like? Was I full on non-responsive? Dead body, just a dead body. No way. Just sitting up against a wall. Like when they find someone in a, like when they go, you know,

like in a movie or a computer game where someone's like, I'll go on ahead and scout for help or whatever. And then they're like, oh, he hasn't been back for a while. And then they go into the next bit and he's sitting up against a tree with these fucking entrails hanging out because of the predator that got him. You look like that.

For real? Yeah. How long for? Eh, don't know. Like be realistic. Probably. Because you can say five minutes but it probably was 30 seconds. Errrr, what did I do?

So I stood there, I made sure, like I was trying to get your thingy, I quickly went on the bank and that but transferred, moved some funds around, got my room service, a couple of wanks. Errrrrr, 25 minutes, what'd I ask? I got my fears in order, and then you woke up. I don't do anything. Devastating, devastating. Really, how long was it?

Phone this list, I got some houses, got some houses moved, moved. Realistically, probably 20 seconds, but it felt like a long time. It was horrible, it was horrible. It's scary, man, probably 20 seconds, but it felt like a long time. It was horrible. It's scary, man. But you know, what am I gonna do about it? Probably nothing.

So drinking that brine. It's not pickles. It's not pickles. What I eat in that day? I don't even know. It would be in a pickle world. I'd love to go pickle world. What I eat in that day.

If there was a pickle world, you wouldn't have come back. I'd have left you there, like, free willy. And just let you... I need to think about what I'd eaten. I can't remember. I think it was me period. Anyway... You'd eaten your period?

If that helps. I bet you're good at paltrow, does it? Right. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa! It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What did you just call me? A hopscotch slag? What?

I think I called you a hopscotch rat. Great. I don't know why. Ugh. I don't know why. Just. Sorry. I think I said are you ready, you little hopscotch rat?

You did? Hopscotch rat. I don't know why. Hopscotch rat. It's not as good as a chocolate. I'm never gonna top chocolate quilted shitpig and I'm lying if I think I'm going to. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm kidding myself if I think I'm never gonna top chocolate quill and shit pig and I'm lying if I think I'm going to. Do you know what I mean? I'm kidding myself if I think I'm ever gonna top chocolate quill and shit pig.

What is shut up and what's your beef? Jesus. Wow. Okay. So my beef with you this week is, it's happened for a while, but it's happened a lot this week. You keep ordering stuff from places, lamps, tables, all kinds of shit's been delivered this week.

You keep ordering stuff from places that exclusively use cardboard boxes that smell like human feces. I don't know if it's recycled. I don't understand what these places are doing, but you order them. I imagine there's a box, you get something from website and it's like, do you want discrete packaging

or do you want Christmas wrap? I imagine there's a box that says, do you want your cardboard to smell like human shit? You tick that box and then what you do is, you keep leaving those boxes, you open it, you check what's in it, and then you leave them in small rooms and shut the door. So there's a room just off the porch on the porch, you leave them in there, you and then you leave them in small rooms and shut the door. So there's a room just off the porch, on the porch,

you leave them in there, you left about five of them in the porch the other day and you shut the door and the sun came in. I thought I was gonna pass out. Okay, that's not my fault, I can't help. It smelt like a million people had shat in our porch. Yeah, I can't help that. By the way, they're doing something

because I had a notebook yesterday, and I was sat next to my friend on our sofa, and I thought, she to my friend on our sofa and I thought she hadn't washed her vagina. What was it? Recycled paper? It was the paper because then I put it next to, you know, I put everything into my mouth because I'm a scrub.

I put the notepad near my mouth and I smelled it. I was like, oh no it's this. And literally for a good two hours I thought, you fucking, you fanny stink. not me, because I knew I'd washed mine. Why are you, whenever there's a smell, why do you just assume it's everyone else and nothing to do with you? Well, because, excuse me, I'd literally had a shower. I knew my vagina didn't smell.

You didn't even go to it, it might be this notebook you just went to. No, I just went straight to my friend's fanny. My best friend as well, you know. Not like, not a fair weather friend. Like to the point where I was gonna say it to her, because we're that good friends, I was gonna say, yo, fanny's lifting.

Luckily, it was me notebook. I just love the idea that you would go, I think you're trying to broach it quite sort of diplomatically first. And you're like, I think you mean maybe, maybe keep your legs crossed, why? And then it escalates and it gets worse. And you're like, look, all I'm saying is

your fucking fanny stinks, you haven't watched your fanny. Right, that's it, I'm leaving. And you slam your notebook and you get a waft and you go, actually it might be my notebook, sorry about that. Yeah, yeah, it was, I felt terrible actually, but because that was, it was like, sorry. But you didn't say anything?

No, I didn't say anything at all. Nothing was, she'll never know. She doesn't, I don't think she listens to this either, so she won't know. Okay. So, you know. Brilliant. Me friendship's safe. Anyone at work who it is, maybe just tell her, okay, what's your...

It was me notebook! It was genuinely me notebook. What's your beef? So, my beef with you. We had the family party last weekend with me mam's cousins and all that. It was very lovely. It was like a family reunion, wasn't it? Family reunion. Very nice. It was really nice. Something spooky happened before we left. So, it was me granda. It was very lovely. It's like a family reunion, wasn't it? Family reunion. Very nice. It was really nice.

Something spooky happened before we left. So it was my grandad, it was all my grandad's side of the family. Yeah. And I was in my wardrobe. Obviously, if anyone who doesn't know, sorry, your grandad's passed away. My grandad passed away.

I never even got to meet him, which I was devastated. I'm genuinely devastated. Because everyone talks about me so nicely and I never got to meet him. He'd have loved you. Well, I- You'd have loved him. Well I often hope that, not that I'll know anything about it, well I might, but I hope that people, my kids and my kids' kids, hopefully talk about me like that.

Oh yeah. Because it's nice how everyone talks about me like that. Oh we do, we talk about them way too much. Whenever we see a feather or whatever you claim it's him and I've had it go in the past, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. If someone told me recently, like a psychic person,

who we both know, she said that we laugh all the time about how me grandda sends me messages, and she went, he is, he does, he's really present, he's like a, I won't, he's just around all the time, he won't leave, like a bad smell, but he's just always around, anyway. Or is it your notebook? Oh, who knows?

Allegedly. So I opened my cupboard, and there's a shelf above where me reel of clothes is. And there's a shoebox on there that I've got costume jewelry in. And as I was getting ready, it literally fell out and whacked us in the face. It actually really hurt because it's really heavy. And you're saying it wasn't precariously placed or anything like that? No, it was just on the shelf. I don't think it was.

I don't think it was. I didn't. Sadly, I didn't see it before it fell out. But I hadn't used it since just on the shelf. I don't think it was because I don't think it was I didn't sadly I didn't see it before it fell out, but yeah, I hadn't used it since I did the show And there was nothing behind it to push it out or anything. You weren't shaking the wardrobe. No, no, no, no No, and I hadn't used it I'd used it like a month ago for the show and it's been in there for a month and it just fell out anyway inside of the Cost you inside of this shoe box was a brooch that me Nana gave us,

like years ago when I was a teenager. That was the first thing I saw. And then I was just like, that's me granda. That's me granda saying, like, hope you have a lovely night, thinking of you, bloddy, bloddy, blah. So obviously you knew this story because I told you. I didn't actually tell you until a lot later on. So you told everyone at the party, but you didn't tell me until the next morning. Well, because I just know that you just, you know, you love to just call bullshit on stuff. Oh, I wouldn't hear the likes of it.

And it was a nice thing. I told you I believed you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But then it led to something that you did that... I'm still proud. Might be the funniest thing I've ever done. I'll take it as a beef.

I'm still so proud of this. So, Christopher, I was having a coffee in bed because it was the day after. I was in Sunday. It's the Sunday morning. It's the weekend. Love a little coffee in bed on a weekend. And you came in and your dressing room is in our little cupboard.

Yeah. That's where Chris's stuff is. That's like opposite where I lie so I could sit inside. And I was looking and I was thinking, what are you doing? And you were like rummaging around. And then all of a sudden you are stood with no clothes on except your boxers. And I'm thinking, what the fuck is he doing? And then you started throwing your jujitsu, gay uniform off your body while saying, Jimmy. I've actually got the audio Jimmy's I do you want to hear do you want to hear the audio this is what I had to listen to so I first was

annoyingly quite funny I threw the gear at myself and I said did you see that Rosie I think your granda wants us to go to Jitsu in 45 minutes absolutely so disrespect then I started pretend I've got the audio so this is me pretend yeah this is me pretending that the spirit of Rosie's granddad is forcing us to wear me gi whilst whilst he's doing it up so he's got his trousers on now, this is the next bit, this is the jacket. Little Tosser.

But I did send it to my mom and my nana and they got a really good laugh out of it. It was one of my favourite things I've ever done. I immediately phoned Carl, phoned Jordan, told him and I told the lads at Jiu Jitsu and they laughed but Mitch went, one of the Mitch who I do a lot of pirate lessons with and who was taking the lesson that day, he went, fucking hell mate, he went, that was a risky joke, he went, that was either going to go one of two ways, that was going to get you banging the shit or was either going to go one of two ways. He went, that was going to get you banging the shit off. It was going to go down really well. And I was like, well, you know. Well, but you know how my family is. So the-

100%. I knew that would work. You'll know this if you've been listening to the podcast for a long time, but if you're new. So when me granda passed away, me nanna went looking for a dishwasher because she's never had one. And the person in the shop said to her what's happened to your old dishwasher and she told the person in the shop that he died. So yeah, it's fine. It was it was met with good taste. And we were like what happened? Oh so what happened to your old dishwasher? Oh he died. Because we grandad did. That's one thing my grandad did, he washed all the dishes.

It's time for questions from the public! Questions from the public, public, public! Very nice. Look at that. As always if you're letting in touch it's shagmydonoid at gmail.com. Hey Chris and Rosie, listener from the start, emailer from now. First email, welcome. After a busy Monday in uni, I darted onto the rush hour bus and made way for a spare seat

in the pram bay next to an older gentleman. The seat between us was folded up. Do you know these seats? Yeah. How dare you? Whatever. How dare you? No, whatever. How dare you? When was the last time you went on a bus? Assume.

When was the last time you went on a bus? Last year. Last year. What was it? I was on a double deck of bus. Who was? Last year. Why? When I was filming the die-hard thing, we were dinner on a double deck of bus outside. Was it moving?

Was it an actual, did you pay? Very much for the crew. Oh Oh shut your face. I take the Benz on the bus all the time I think we should actually because there's a lot of children nowadays and it's not even a full on like privileged things a lot of kids now whose parents were you know we're living in a generation where people got cars and some kids never go on the bus our Benz love the bus absolutely love it. Genuinely nothing more fun than sitting in the front of the double deck out at the top. It's great. Really quickly, and I'm so sorry, we will get to this, but do you know the song, You Shouldn't Chuck Your Granny Off The Bus?

Nope. You should never chuck your granny off a bus. Do you know what the words are? Do you know what's really upsetting? Right. You're gonna see which bit of it's really upsetting. Are you ready? What is this song? Who sings this song? It's just an old-fashioned song. You should never chuck your granny off the bus.

You can't. You can't. So there's a first verse, but then the second verse is, No, you can't chuck your granny off a bus. No, you can't chuck your granny off a bus. You can throw your other granny, because she's your daddy's mommy. No, you can't chuck your granny off a bus. That's really hurtful because I've got two sons.

Right, okay. Yeah. Have you not heard that before? hurtful because I've got two sons. Right, okay. Have you not heard that before? I imagine I heard the first line and switched me as off because that's just... Can I chuck your gany off a bus? Shall I ring me Nana and ask her for the full version? Oh, go on. Letters. See if she remembers it. Hang on. It's not ringing.

Oh. It's not ringing. Oh, it's not ringing. It's a message. What's that? It's a message tone. I've recorded it years ago. Sorry. Phone your Nana again? It's a message tone. It's a bit of soul singing. So, when it goes to voicemail, when you phone your Nana, you singing this comes on. Yes. Listen, I never knew about this, you singing this comes on. Yes.

Listen, I never knew about this. Listen to this. This is new. Well, hang on. I just wonder what you're doing. I'm Mrs. Cobra. Give me a ring. Give me a message and I'll call you back. What? Nana, it's just me. Give us a ring back if you can. Alright, love you, bye. The fuck? What's wrong with that? That's literally, that's about 15 year olds. Your nanas? When it goes to voice, were your nanas in a tunnel or are phones on flight mode?

That comes on. Yes. Mrs. Crawford, give me a ring, Leave me a message and I'll call you back. I think it's brilliant. Adam & Kirsty I'm stunned. I'm absolutely stunned. I had no idea this was... Oh, sorry. Just try it. Why is it not ringing?

Adam Wow! It's okay. We've got more than one. Kirsty Oh, it's ringing now. Adam That was incredible. Hiya, Nana. It's me. Just dead quickly, Nana. We're just doing the podcast, right? And I'm trying to remember, could you sing me, You Can't Push Your Gany Off the Bus? Go on then. Oh, you can't push your gany off the bus. You can't push your gany off the bus.

You can't push your other gany because she's your mommy's mommy. You can push your other gany off the bus. There you go. And I just really see you can pick it up. You can pick up like daddy's mommy and you'll hurt yourself. Cause I thought it was, no you can, cause you can chuck your other gany cause she's your daddy's mommy. No you can't chuck your gany off a bus. Class. Oh Lush. I couldn't remember the words properly. Are you alright? I'm still very hot, yes. I'm waiting for the bands coming in from school.

Oh, lush. I call up a string of coming. Reminders again, how long does your stay lift take? Like what do you mean? Like how many seconds you said it takes too long? I said 30 seconds. 30 seconds. Horrific. too long? I said 30 seconds. 30 seconds. Horrific.

Too long, Nana. Too long. Read. I have more boring, I could make a bloody cake. I think I got one of them. Class! I'll read. Okay, love you.

Alright, love you. Right. Love you, darling. Bye! Bye! Did you hear her put a Porsche second-guide on? Oh, you, darling. Bye. Did you hear I put a posh second voice on? Oh, you can't attract, you can't eat because she's your mommy's mommy. Hey, lover, lover, lover. Right. Nice to see that this first time email has gotten all the attention.

Sorry about that. Sorry, guys. Hey, listen, nannas and grandas are precious. They're so precious. So, ring your nanna, right? Just ring your nanna or text your nanna. It's all the want, are you granda? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Anyway, back to this email. I'm just gonna recap it dead quickly because I feel like we went on a tangent, I'm sorry.

After a busy Monday in uni, I darted onto the rush hour bus and made way for the spare seat in the pram bay next to an older gentleman. The seat between us was folded up, so perfect, I thought extra legroom. A few minutes later the bus jolts as the driver slams on the brakes and the man slides from his seat into the gap onto his knees with brute force face plants into my groin. Embarrassed yet concerned for my elder, I help him up, check he's okay and look to the bus driver for any acknowledgement of the bumpy ride but she continues. I look

around to my fellow passengers in shock but after being offered no sanctuary in their blank faces I try to forget about the incident and settle into my journey. About 10 minutes after the fatal blow a young girl in walking gear including a beanie hat and a large rucksack hoists up her kit and makes her way to the front of the bus to alight. As she is doing so the driver slams the brakes on again with such fury that she topples over and her rucksack snags a ladies woolly jumper. This was the final straw for Mrs Wool who, who stormed up to the driver's cabin stepping around the fabric puddle of the fallen soldier.

Oi! She squawks as everyone's headphones slip off in unison. You need to watch what you're doing. Not only did you slam on the brakes and make that little lad rip me jumper – nodding to the beanie-wearing woman, who's actually a woman – but you've also made that poor-eyed fella munch that girl's box. Poynting at the pram bay and criminal-hating you. Oh, poor fella. After her poignant observations, the woman was asked to leave the bus,

leaving my box muncher none the wiser to the kerfuffle, and my face well and truly beetroot as I sat rigidly with my head down until I reached my stop. What is if people talk like that though? Oh, where that poor fella munch that girl's box? Munch that girl's box. What I expected... Sorry, that's the thing, where if you were going, excuse me, don't talk about me like that.

And there's this guy, I'm on your side, man. I'm having to go with the driver. I think she actually got chucked off the bus. Great, great. What I expected to be a simple bus ride home from a lecture had turned into a public dogging fest with the gentleman four times my senior. And so my question, oh, there's a question here.

And so my question is, would Rosie eat slash munch box in the pram bay of a rush hour bus? Um, I, can't say I would, if I'm honest with you. No. I'm glad you made that poor fella munch that girls box.

It just reminded me of the bait situation. Yeah. When I was, I don't know, you probably know this, older listeners, newer listeners, I used to work in a nursery and one day a mam came to pick her child up, whilst picking her child up in the corner of the room she came back over to me and went, someone's dropped their bait over there. And I've just never ever forgot about it. It's just Geordie for someone's had a shit. Yeah. Or a fart. A disgusting fart. So there you go. Dropping your bait. Drop their bait. Drop their bait over there. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa. Hello Chris and Rosie. Hello. I was scrolling through my notes app and found something which I thought you would enjoy. I wrote this during the night

while staying at my boyfriend's. One thing to note is he is quite verbally active during his sleep, often waking me up, speaking absolute shite and attempting to have a conversation with me. Excellent. Another thing to note is he has only had one girlfriend before me. Anyway, I was woken up by him speaking gibberish one night, and he proceeded to say something which I immediately had to note down. I'm sure you'll never guess what it is. Poor bugger, man. Oh.

Do you want to guess? Have I spoken about before how I got one of them, I got an app once that records... Oh, so did I. I did it on the phone. I was too scared, I couldn't listen to it. Oh, mine was awful. I was too frightened.

Yeah, I did sleep talk. But it wasn't words, it was just like... Yeah, it was bad. So huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh eruptions. But she's took this one way, but it could be taken two different ways, in my opinion. Like a Goosebumps, choose your mystery. Oh, beautiful. Turn to page seven to continue exploring the Mazeem. Turn to page fourteen to go through the portal and follow the mummy. I'll turn to page 14 to go through the portal and follow the mummy. I'll turn to page seven.

You know what it said? A Goosebumps adventurer would never stay and explore the museum. Turn back to page 14 and go through the thing. What a, what a. It had a, I remember that like it was yesterday. I picked the cowardly approach and the Goosebumps book went,

you're fucking cowardly. Put this book down. It's not made for you. Unbelievable. Pussy. Right, not made for you. Unbelievable. Pussy. Right. So. Two story. In his groggy tone, he said, You're so much better at head than her.

This gave me quite the chuckle and ego boost. What if he's not talking about you? What if he's talking about someone new in his dream? What if it's not about the other one? Or what if he's talking about someone new in his dream? What if it's not you? Oh, Rosie. Let's just assume it is her. Yeah, it is you. It is you. You give the best head. Adam He might have said it in awake times as well, so she might know that. That might be a fact between them.

Kirsty Oh, well, there you go. Adam Yeah. Kirsty Yeah. Adam So, there it is. Kirsty Yeah. Adam Yeah. Kirsty I've got to be the best that you've had because you only marry. Stop it. You don't know you don't. You're a monkey pup today. I don't like this at all. I don't mean to be.

All my eye gunk's gone. You've gone all. No, but you don't marry the worst sex you've had. You don't. You just don't. Sorry. Sorry. No disrespect. Like you don't. You don't. Guys, guys, if you've had better sex than the person you're about to marry. Don't. Don't be telling people. Don't be telling people on this podcast to call their fucking weddings off. Stop. No. All right. OK. Well, well, actually, well, actually, as long as it's half decent, as long as it's OK, that's fine. Because you could have had amazing sex with an absolute asshole. Well, yeah. And usually, Chris, usually they are. You know this. Well of course I married her. No but yeah so just... Stop telling people to call the burdens off. I'm not telling anyone to call the burdens off.

It was heavily implied. Right okay no well I will I will I'll say it if you literally have terrible sex with someone and you're gonna marry them, don't marry them. There we go. Because. There it is, she said. Sorry. There it is, there it is.

Tell you what, any wedding venues who are losing deposits, ring her, give her a load of shit because I'm on the fence here. I'm on the fence. What, you would marry someone who was shitting? I just, I just, not up for telling people that they need to call their weddings off, man. Think you are? Bloody bearer of bad news.

I think I'm... I'll tell you what I am now. First things first, I'm a realist. I'm a realist. I've always found my boyfriend attractive, even though he's a bit of a geek. Got you. Have you written this in? No. No, but also, yes. you're like you're like a half geek. You are under the surface, a pure nerd, but you hide it all right. I do. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At the age of 40, I've now realised that I hate modern advances in technology. Got you. Every night, I now have to see him play a shooting game with a stupid VR headset on while using a gun that he is 3D printed. Hey the main thing I'm taking from this is every night. Every night. He's getting to play on his computer every night. Yeah, yeah.

Fucking hell dude. I know. Well done. Just says what I heard. Congratulations. Our. 3D printed a gun to go with his VR game. Our God, we haven't mentioned our God and I told us a great ick the other day. Yes.

He said, do you want to say it? Yeah, he said, well, we are, I got really worried because I always find that icks are more of a, it's funnier when it's women saying it about men for some reason. I feel like, I feel like it could sometimes be a bit misogynistic if a man's mentioning it about a woman, but he barreled into it and I thought he was going to be horrible, but he was actually bang on. He said, when he sees an attractive woman walking a dog along the street. But he also said, when I say I don't look at women because he's married and he's very happily married and he was very respectful. I do want to paint him out to be. But he basically said, a woman walking along the street, and men can probably do this,

obviously men will do it as well, so women you might find this the same. So a woman walking down the street walking her dog, talking on her mobile phone, but on the same hand where her mobile phone is, she's got a poo bag full of dog shit, just hanging, dangling around under her chin, slapping her in the neck. Oh you did not say slapping her in the neck you added that. I added that bit on the day yeah I totally get it yeah yeah talking on the phone with the poo bag right yeah great massive it. It's true though I actually I find it really disgusting when I see dog owner and I'm so glad they're picking their shit up though but they're just hanging around

the wrists while they're walking the dog and I'm like. I suppose you've got to be desensitized to it. And if you've done it properly and it's in the plastic bag and it's locked tight, then fair enough. Oh, I can it, I can it. At least they're picking it up is what I'm asking. I suppose that's like when Robin had, remember when he had like six shits on the beach

and it just kept coming out of his arse like a dog. Do you remember? And I had to pick them all up and I was like, what, he had diarrhea on the beach? Yeah. Fuck me. Yeah. But it's like a big giant litter tray. It was a good place to have it. I mean I did just roll it in the sand then put it in a bag.

There it is. Rather the beach than the swimming pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Do do do do do do. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed. Thank you so, so much. Don't forget, Last for Kids on the 15th of December Newcastle Arena and we'll be back in years next week.

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