Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 299. Boil and Bite

Episode Date: December 13, 2024

On this week's podcast (Podcast 299!) Chris share's some more festive insults and the pair discuss the future of the Elf! The pair get nostalgic over Top of the Pops and they come up with a new invention. QFTP's involve an ingrowing hair, licking and a brand new ick.Email the podcast [e-mail] Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The She Soars podcast is an absolute must for conversations about sexual and reproductive health and rights. We are a group of passionate young women from across Canada who are exploring global issues that affect girls' lives and choices, and how they relate to Canadian youth. Tune in to season 3 of the She Soars podcast for more hot topics and inspiring speakers from around the world, and discover ways we can all take action. Her rights, her voice. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. System of a Down.

And Deftones with special guests, Polyphia and Whisp, live in Toronto, Rogers Stadium, September 3rd. Get tickets this Friday at noon at LiveNation.com. System of a Down and Deftones. Roger Stadium, September 3rd. For more, visit Systemofadown.com. Get ready for the movie event of the year with Disney's Mufasa the Lion King.

It's time I tell you a story. A story? About Mufasa and the prince who would come to be known as Scar. So glad I brought some crickets. Bring your whole family. Come on, Mufasa, let's get in some trouble. On December 20th, a kingdom of adventure awaits. We can do this.

We're busy, let's hustle. Disney's Mufasa the Lion King in theatres and IMAX December 20th. Hello, you're listening to Shagmardinoid with me Rosie Ramsey and him Christopher Ramsey. Have you brushed your teeth? I have brushed my teeth. Congratulations. Ask as if I've flossed as well. Have you flossed as well? Didn't have time. Er, now I'm doing what I do. I've watched you using your water flosser, I don't think you're doing it right.

Oh for fuck's sake. What do you mean I'm not doing it right? I just don't think you're doing it, I don't think you're doing it for long enough in certain places. How do you know? Like how arrogant? Eh?

I feel the water going through the gaps in my teeth. Not just that, when I went to the dentist the other day they went, oh you can tell you're using your water flosser really good, there's in between your teeth. Was that the family appointment that we went to last week? That was the family dentist appointment. Wait, hang on a minute though, got there, literally got there and the one was like, alright guys if yous can just go take a seat over there and Chris you're upstairs.

Yeah, because I was seeing the hygienist and you were seeing the dentist because I squeezed in a dentist appointment a couple of weeks previous when I went to get my special mouth guard from Jujitsu because I'm an athlete. Did you actually go to our dentist to get that mouth guard? Well, where am I gonna go? The fucking mouth guards are us.

Yes, I went to the dentist. What do you mean? It's because I was using a boil and bite. There will be a, eh? I was using a boil and bite mouth guard and I heard them on the UFC slagging them off and I was like, oh shit, okay. Cause it's like, you just, you put it in the boiling water.

Like when you, you know, when you're a rugby at school and you put it in the boiling water and bite it. I can tell you right now, I've never done a boiling bite. I bet you I don't want a jack of a potato. So I've got no idea. I've never done a boiling bite. Boiling bites, I didn't know they were called that but they slagged them off in sort of martial arts world.

Joe Rogan was like, like, cause two people were fighting in the UFC and the guy, his mouth guard kept falling out and I had to stop him, put him back in. I think he was spitting it out cause he was tired. I think he was cheating. But Joe Rogan was like, Oh my God, I bet you it's a boiling bite. And I was like, Oh shit, is that uncool? And then I realised everyone else at Jiu Jitsu had special ones. Probably uncool when you're doing it professional on the bloody telly. How dare you? Are you, are you claiming I'm not a professional athlete? We've talked about this. I don't know but if you keep joking and sitting down on your arse and shimmying towards it like crap I'm gonna kick it in the dick if

you keep doing that. Oh yeah. You did it with my mom the other day and I think she was getting lippy. Our self-respect went very much down for you. She was getting lippy yeah that's the thing it's not a showy thing we did a photoshoot the other day and they told us to bring me jujitsu gear down and I was like what do you want us to do exactly? And the guy was like, just some Jiu-Jitsu stuff. And I was like, it's the least showy. It's not like Karate Kid. It's yeah, it's not. It's nothing. It's like literally, if I want to fight you, I will sit on my ass, wait for it to come near us and then I'll take you to the floor. It's

pathetic. It looks terrible. Oh my God, me and Robin were watching. I had him watching the UFC fight pass, which is just the Jiu Jitsu. So- I don't want him watching it. No, it's just Jiu Jitsu. There's no swearing. It's a Jiu Jitsu competition. He does Jiu Jitsu. It's literally like watch, do you want me to do Jiu Jitsu with his eyes shut?

He's got to see it, right? But they do a thing where they introduce the fighters and obviously if they're introducing, you know, if it's MMA or boxing, they're like look at the camera and they throw some punches and they give it all this. But because there's nothing you can really do in Jiu Jitsu, right, they announced the fight there and this is what he did to the camera. For Jiu Jitsu?

Like a fucking cat, like a toy cat. Just hands up and down like that. And even Robin, left his head off the guy. I was embarrassed for the guy, but that's like a producer of something going, do something. And he's going, well, I well, oh, I'll grab you. Oh, I'll grab your clothes.

Anyways, Rosie, guess what episode it is? It's 299. It's episode 299. Chris, as if. How exciting. I know, mad. So next week, 300. Barry's back.

And it's also, he's not, don't. Barry's back. You might not be back. The Return of Barry. You might not be back. Guess who's back. So next week 300 and it's also, don't, what are you doing? The return of Barry. You might not be back. Guess who's back. But it's also the Christmas episode. So I will be playing some jingle bells.

Barry's back. Jingle jangle. Tell your friends, put your tits away. Sorry. Listen, it's episode 299. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being part of five years of absolute bullshit. Let's be perfectly honest here.

Nearly 300 episodes, but next week will be 300 official episodes. Thank's be perfectly honest here. Nearly 300 episodes, but next week will be 300 official episodes. Thank you so much. Obviously. I still enjoy it. I can't believe it. Obviously, please keep like rating and liking and subscribing and all that stuff.

Apparently it helps the algorithm. We all fucking slaves to the algorithm. Sick of it. My algorithm is wack. I know I've said this before. It is insane. I'm now just getting random people's really weird videos yeah like weird shit yeah I told you mine went over a violin for a while and I had like a lot of stuff

because it was like oh you like jujitsu oh you like watching cage fighting oh he has two men in a street punching each other oh all right thanks I'm right for heads off concrete I tell you on my TikTok do you know I tell you I came up a while ago. On my TikTok. I haven't been on TikTok for a long time. A man eating someone's leg? Can't have been real. Not having it. How do you know it was a real leg? Well it wasn't. Was there a person attached to the leg? No, there'd been a train crash. Somebody got ran over by a train. Right. And then a man went to the accident and took his leg and started eating his leg. I'm not having it. It was a video from far away. I'm not having it. Well I'll find it for you. You can find it as much as you want I'm not having it

there's so many fake videos online I'm gonna come to fake videos in a moment by the way because I've got a bone to pick with the whole fucking world right but before we start obviously it is time without further ado for my OUCRATIVE, BOCRATIVE, COOKRATIVE, DUCRATIVE, EUCRATIVE, FOOCRATIVE, GOOCRATIVE, Eucrative? Ju-crative? Cucrative? Lucrative, there it is. God that was so painful. We've missed 1111, which I'm not surprised at. Listen to that crock of shit. Why are you still here?

Why are you still here? Anyone listening, you know when you get to wind up your partner and just see them react? I get to do that as a job, it's fucking mint. Anyway, guess what? It's part two of Chris's Fest of Insults. Oh, right, okay. How exciting. Oh, this is brilliant.

Do you want me to do the jingle bells? Yes. Right, hang on. Like most, make sure it's the free ones on YouTube, I'm gonna pay for some of the jingle bells. Like most sequels, I do believe they're not as good as the originals. I'll be the judge of that. No, scream in the barrel, but it's all good. Here it is. Right, yes, okay. Here we go. it is time for my festive... Oh, fuck's sake.

What the fuck? Hang on. Why? There we go. Christmas Fest of Insults, okay. Hey, number four, number four, right? Use these in the office and stuff. Did you just do three?

No, because I did three last week, this is number four. Oh, okay. Okay. You can't sit on Santa's knee because you shit yourself so regularly. No? Okay, next one. Um, do you know in the olden days they used to put candles on the tree? You should do that so you burn your house down. Yeah? That's...

Good. Why would it be inappropriate? If you were under the mistletoe, no one else... no one would... sorry. If you were under the mistletoe, there'd be no one else under the mistletoe because no one wants to kiss you under the mistletoe. Is that a good one? Are you a professional comedian? Okay, sorry, final one.

This one's good, this one's good. What did the snowman say when he saw you? Hey, good looking. She's a cunt. She is. Yeah. He's a cunt. Hey! Dashing through the snow, everybody on the wall knows I've been slain. Oh wow, I don't know if you'll top that next week. Yeah?

Next week is the actual Christmas episode, so good luck with that. No, I can't do more. I can't. They were, they were scraping the barrel. I ran out of Christmas stuff to talk about bring your friends ring Jason ring call last then person They love some comedians. I bring some other comedian. You don't know any other comedians. Well, you know just only surface level Not not in a deep connection. Okay, but I have two comedian friends and that's them. Okay, okay jingle time We had a fight about the jingle

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Oiled. Hello. Are you excited for Christmas? Yes. Yeah, I am as well actually. I am excited for Christmas.

I really am. I am so organised this year. Yeah? I'm like the organised shit right now. To be fair, you've been amazing. To be fair. Someone asked me yesterday if I was all ready for Christmas and I said yes, but Rosie's been doing it all.

I've wrapped nearly every present. Yeah. Because I'm sick of and so yesterday I just didn't sit down once I was absolutely goosed yesterday but I was like I'd rather do this now because I the last since Robin's been a kid every Christmas Eve and the night before Christmas Eve I've just not stopped and I haven't really and you know when people go what's your favourite bit of Christmas it used to be Christmas Eve for me because I had fuck all to do. But now- Just sit and be excited.

Yeah, but now there's too much to do, but I just want to enjoy it. I'm even thinking, I'm thinking about- Oh God. I'm thinking about prepping loads of the dinner. Right. But then I don't know why that doesn't taste as nice. Okay.

What do you mean prepping loads of the dinner? What is this? So, what's his face? I now follow him. I follow a couple of people on Instagram who were TV presenters, children's TV presenters. Okay. You know Dick and Dom? Yeah. The Dom of that. Dom. He now does loads of- I think it's just Dom. Alright, Dom. He does. I can't remember if he's Dick or Dom. I don't know. I think he's Dom. Fuck me. He does loads of house stuff. Little I won with a dark hair is Dick.

Oh, well it's Dick. Right, okay, then it's Dick. I don't think you're wrong. I don't know. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Right, who's Dick and Dom? What's the difference between Dick and Dom?

There are people out there who don't know the difference between that and Dick, but I think they're all Southern. I think they all live inside the M25 or below. Who is Dick and who is Dom? Oh, wow, it's come up straight away. Oh, right, it's Dom. It is the Dom. It's Dom. Dom. Dom is the little one with the dark hair.

Yeah, I love that that came up. I always thought he was Dick. I can't believe that. I can't believe this. Whole life's been a lie. Dom would, right? I follow him on Instagram because he does loads of house stuff. Like you change his skirting boards and he fixes his roof and that and it's very interesting. I'm like... Sorry, why am I being attacked? Why? What do you mean? Why am I being attacked? What do you mean? Why are you telling me all the stuff that Dom does that I don't do?

Because he's just really talented and very good. But then also, what was your other pair in? Sam and something? I don't know. Sam and Mark? Eh? There's another one? There was another two.

Sam and Mark, they were... Were they singers? Sure they were presenters. Look, I'll show you a picture of them. Are you not thinking of Big Cook Little Cook? No, Sam and Mark? No, I'm not having Sam and Mark like. Give us a look.

Look at them. Let me see thinking of Big Cook, Little Cook? No, Salmon Mark. No, I'm not having Salmon Mark like. Give us a look. Look at them. Let me see. Oh my God, why won't it go big? Tell us about it.

Should happen sometimes. Might be tired. Just might be a bit nervous. Right. This is a nice picture of them actually. That was awful. That's Salmon Mark. Can you see? I'm not having that like. You don't remember them?

Adam's Dad No! Kirsty You don't remember Sam and Mark? Adam's Dad Who the fuck are Sam and Mark? Kirsty You know, TV presenters. Adam's Dad What channel? Kirsty BBC. Adam's Dad Nah. Kirsty Yeah.

Adam's Dad I won't have it. Kirsty Er, they did the...yeah, they did the BBC... Adam's Dad Are you thinking of Zig and Zag? Kirsty Crackerjack. Kirsty No, I love Zig and Zag as well. Listen though, he does loads of cooking stuff now, Sam. Adam's Dad Right. Kirsty From Sam and Mark and he pre-made...god, this went round and Zack as well. Listen though, he does loads of cooking stuff now, Sam. From Sam and Mark. And he pre-made, God this went around the houses with this.

He has pre-done all of his dinners. So he's like- Already? Roasties and everything. And he's- Already? He's froze them. Yeah, loads of people have.

So that on the day, you can just take them out and hide them in the oven, no prep. But then, so then I was thinking to myself, that's all well and good. But I actually quite like that part of me moaning when I leave you guys and I just go in the utility room and I peel all the stuff and I get everything ready. But I just don't know what to do.

What do you think I should do? Don't give a fuck. As long as that dinner is on the table when I say it should be and it's nice and piping hot, then we'll get on. Wow. So I couldn't even finish the sentence. I couldn't even finish the sentence. I mean amazing, good for him. Great. I feel like you're taking the fun out of it a bit. I feel like you're taking the tradition out of it a bit. What do you mean?

Dunno. What so I just don't get any Christmas Day at all? I'm just making a dinner. You just said that you like getting away from all the carnage and doing it. So pick a fucking side. You absolute bullshitter. Fair enough. OK, I'll do it on the day. There we go. There we go. What does Dom do? Do you know what? I couldn't tell you, actually.

I think they do a lot of them. This is Sam and Mark. Yeah, but you said Dom does stuff as well. Oh, Dom does house stuff, sorry. Skirting boards and that. Yeah. Mad, innit? Did he staircase and that? But do you know what's really good about it? He's really good. Because obviously he's a presenter.

Yeah. So he's videos. Like some Instagram people, you can tell they've never presented anything before and they're just kind of like, this is get ready with me and do this. Whereas he's actually, he's like, he's segues or mint.

Cause I'm like, this is good to watch cause you know what you're doing. He does it all on a segue. Professional. It's good, no balance. What the fuck? I'm sorry. This is good to watch because you know what you're doing. It does it all in a second. Professional. It's good, the balance. What the fuck? I'm sorry. This episode might have to be binned

because you are trying too hard. Wow! You are probably trying too hard. Wow! Reen it in. Sorry. Oh my God, this is like you with the corporate thing the night when I had to shout at you.

You did not shout. I was out of breath, you know. You are, you are, I was like, are you, have you took a fucking acid? Wrong, wrong drug. What would it be? Speed? Yeah, something like that. Speed or cocaine.

Line? Something like that, like an upper. Well anyway, you'd done something, and I was like calm the fuck down. You gotta keep them engaged. Do you know what it is? You gotta keep them engaged. It's just fucking absolute flashbacks

of years of dying on me ass at corporate gigs. But it went really well I think. You're lucky as shit, you. You've come in at the top. You've literally come in, we go to these corporate gigs and I know, but it went really well I think. You're lucky as shit you, you've come in at the top, you've literally come in, we go to these corporate gigs and they're absolutely buzzing that you're there. I've done corporate gigs where they don't give a fucking shit. Alright, okay, well I tell you what, let's go back,

let's rewind back in time when I was doing solo gigs in Middlesbrough and men were sat when I was doing my soundcheck and they came over and went, yeah, love you, turn them speakers round, they're far too loud, and I'm going, thank you. So, oh, I've done it, Chris, don't you worry. That is where we met, and that was me shouting at you, and I stand by it.

This is what's pissing me off now, right? So we're in December, right? We've got everything, we've got trees up, the kids are wanting to get up at the crack of dawn for the fucking advent calendars. We've got the elf. Again, if you've got children listening, turn it to stop now because I'm about to go behind the curtain.

We've got to do something with that fucking elf every night, right? Not only is Robin kind of like now comparing the fact that our elf isn't as naughty as his friend's elves, right? There is people now, there's YouTube, loads of YouTube videos of people who've caught their elf, in scare quotes, caught their elf doing things. So these people have set up these cameras

and the elf's doing all these things and Robin's watching them all and Robin turned to me and he went, can we set up a camera for our elf? And I'm like, where does it end? Where does it end? Like, no. It ends when the elf's in bed with them, tickling them and alive. That's when it ends, Chris. Listen, I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right? Like, no. It ends when the elf's in bed with them, tickling them, and alive.

That's when it ends, Chris. Listen, I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right, no, no, I'm calling it again. I called it for the whole thing the other day, the idea that they're gonna take Halloween straight into Christmas. Yeah, yeah, it's already happened. I'm calling it now, in about five years,

at least our grandchildren, right? It's literally gonna be, have you hired your elf? And there's gonna be a bloke who comes and lives with you for a month And he just I'm telling you. I'm it's gonna go so far You got your you got your elf are the are we what company did you use for your elf and he comes in and he Lives in your fucking spare room, but any sleep through in the day Yeah, and he gets up in the night you just fuck stuff up like that my new best friend I don't show on channel four, but then people who've got a bit more money in bit bigger houses

will have like three of them oh yeah yeah yeah and they'll be in full... Dad we've only... Dad why have we only got one elf? There'll be a full Pando cast yeah yeah oh I'm telling you man I'm calling it have you hired your elf yet oh yeah we've got ours yeah oh yeah ours comes after Halloween he always comes in and he pulls all the Halloween decorations down and then he dances around with the kids all night. Oh yeah, yeah. Does he look after them? No, no, we've got to look after him as well.

He's a fucking maniac. I'm telling you. I'm telling you, he'd be on tune a quid a day. Bed and bored. You'll have to feed the fucker. You'll have to let him sleep here. I'm calling it now. And I'm already fucking angry about it.

Oh, there'll be so many elves shagging the wives. How angry you go straight to that? Honestly there'll be so many, there'll be all we had an elf but he started having an affair with me. He caught them, Ben's caught them and now they don't believe in elves anymore. It was a very naughty elf. It was a very, very, very, very naughty elf. I can't. How many years? 50 years time? No, 20, 20 years time. I'm not honest, the only things are going five years time.

No, 10 years time. It's the one-upmanship. I'm telling you, it's the one-upmanship. They're all gonna be, they're gonna be dressed like Will Ferrell and they're gonna come in and they're gonna, I'm telling you, they're gonna live with you for a month and they're gonna fucking you're gonna have to pay them They're gonna have to feed them and clothes them and you know Use everything and then you're gonna have to spend in January

What happened is there'll be some kind of DIY craze that happens in January It'll be like fix up your house January because the elves fucked up so much stuff fix up your house January because the elves fucked up so much stuff. Jesus Christ. You know what? Being Q and Wicks. Normally. Being Q and Wicks will be fucking buzzing. Oh hey how much damage has your elf done? Come on we've got 20% off fucking drywall and fucking emulsion. Elf yourself. Yeah. Unelf yourself. It'll be unelf yourself. I'm honestly. Normally I'm a bit like Chris stop being rid... I actually think that could happen. They'll be moving in. They'll be moving in. I'm fucking sick already. I hate them.

I hate it. Something happened the other night. We haven't really spoke about that, you were there. But I found it really, just odd, a bit upsetting, a bit odd. Okay, we went to the family dentist appointment. Family dentist. And then we went to a lovely,

if you're coming into South Shields, we haven't mentioned this restaurant, but we've been going for years. We always talk about Coleman's, the seafood restaurant. Black's Corner. Black's Corner, great for drinking nibbles. There's an Italian restaurant

in a little village called Cleedon. It's called Romano's. It's lovely. Unbelievable. Lush, we went for tea. It's been incredible for years. Yeah, it was lush. We shared a little carafe of wine. We did indeed. Didn't we? Is that what they call

carafe? And then we came home, we'd had a few drinks. The kids were just, they were messing on, even though it was iPad night, they'd forgot about iPad night. And they were just like, they were just making a fort on the sofa and jumping around. And I randomly, I put the telly on and I didn't, I'm sick of watching kids telly, so I was like, I'm gonna watch something for myself. Top of the the pops was on from 1996 nuts it was mad right it was just look nostalgia just to see as well I was watching the jujitsu but you turned off and put top of the pops on but thank you for that again carry on you're welcome and what do you want us to buy what do you want us

to do nothing just just let everyone know that top the pops 996 you were buzzing I did want to see what happened in the match, but it's fine. Good for you. So anyway, it was really nostalgic, it was great. Robin obviously had no idea who they were and he was like, who wants this? And do you know what it reminded us of, right? My dad used to watch the old Grey Whistle Test

when I was, do you remember that? That was like a music thing, wasn't it? It was a music thing of all the olden, like olden, like seventies music, 60s, seventies. And he would watch it when we were sometimes still up and I'd be like, what the? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this, right? Get this shit off. This is awful.

And he'd be like, oh, this is me youth. This is this, it's brilliant. That happened to me. You did it. That happened to me last night. That, what was 1996? Is that 30 years ago? Adam & Kirsty Yeah! Is it? Kirsty Yeah!

Adam & Kirsty What was it? 30? Kirsty 30, 32 years ago. Adam & Kirsty I'm gonna do it on my fingers. 96, 2006, 2016. Kirsty Yeah! Shut! No, it's not nearly 40 years ago. It can't be. It can't be. I was 10. Why are we stupid?

Why are we thick as shit? No, it was 30 years ago. 30 years ago. And I just... It was just upsetting. Nice. Oh, sorry. What I did was... Don't add the 10. So, you've got to start. I did the first 10. So, it's 2006. 2016. 2026. So, it's 30. Take two's 2006, 2016, 2026.

So it's the- Take two years off, no, 2026. 28 years ago. Oh God, this is horrible. 32 years ago. This is disgusting. Is that 32 years ago? 32 years ago. Anyway, it was a long time ago. And Robin was just-

28 to 28 years ago, yeah. I think. It's just traumatic. And I just thought, am I my dad? With the grey whistle test now. That maths was traumatic. So I know exactly what you mean. Mm-hmm.

And that's, yeah. I had a lovely night though. So you made a really good point as well. What? So there was, it was like the best of 96. Mm-hmm. 96, fuck me, 96, what a year for music. Jesus Christ.

Oh, unreal, weren't it? Spice Girls had about fucking 700 number ones. Four number ones, I think. 700, definitely closer to 700. The Fugees had two number ones that year. Brilliant. Unreal. Robbie Williams was there. The Fugees had two number ones that year. Unreal. Robbie Williams was there.

He was presenting. So they had them doing some of the presenting and... That was... Painful. The vice girls, absolutely painful. And they looked at the camera like, oh yeah, there's Robbie Williams in it. Horrible. Why did I?

He's loving angels instead. Chris, I looked up to them so much. Well. And now I'm watching back going, you're, you're, you're not stupid. Well, you know, I shouldn't say that. No, it was obvious time, but you made a really good point because I was like, this is normal. But then I was like, actually, yeah. And you said that your mom and dad would watch you watching them and you thought they're

amazing. They're like, you're a fucking idiot, please. And I do that about the YouTube. I know. Yeah. So, but the difference is, All relative. I'm so in the wrong,

because these YouTubers that Robin's watching are making their own videos, making their own narratives, they're amazing on these games, they're editing all the videos themselves, they're putting all this stuff in, and they're presenting it, and they're like uploading it,

and they're fucking sorting out that algorithm, they're like MrBeast and all that, they're fucking geniuses of what they do. Oh yeah, unreal. Like, I know. And can I just... I should be ashamed of myself. I wanna take back everything that I said about the Spice Girls because if I do one day meet a Spice Girl,

I would be so far up their arse. You're not gonna say yes because I was obsessed with them. Have you never met a Spice Girl? No. I've met a Spice Girl. Who've you met? Scary. When?

When I did Lip Sync Battle. She was one of the judges. Oh, she was. of the judges she was she took when we she took a stand-up DVD did yeah she asked for me stand she asked for me stand-up DVD I'll have to go to me dressing room and get the only one I had and no way yeah yeah yeah do you think you watched it I don't know I've never seen her since I'd never ask her that would be upset no I mean I will ask her I please don't know cuz you go you'll go, who? Not sure what sound is, sound is not, yeah.

Oh my God, I've met a spice girl and you haven't met a spice girl. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

There it is. Woodward. Oh, so that's, that's, I was nearly sick there. I'm not gonna lie. I tell you right now. Yeah. Tummy rumbling. Yeah? Starving.

You're starving. And we've just opened the door and I can smell the bread downstairs. I put a loaf of bread in it. Right, this might be a good one. Yeah. Just before we continue, I've also met Mel C, interviewer on The One Show.

Ah. Might have met Baby Spice as well. Can't quite remember. You don't remember. Does that upset you? No, I think I might have. That is upsetting. Does that upset you that literally your icons, two of them I've met, other one, not so sure. Definitely not met Posh and I don't, have I met Geri?

I don't think I have. I got my makeup done by Geri Halliwell's makeup artist once. That was luck. That was luck. I was like, is this our brushes? Is that her first offence? Can I still get up my nose? Right, would Rosie eat? The rules are obviously, let's just go over the rules again. Is that her first offense? Can I still get up my nose?

Right, what do Rosie eat? The rules are, obviously, let's just go over the rules again because obviously you sometimes don't know the rules. The rules are, you're starving. You have to follow the rules that are in, that are laid out of what it is. You're absolutely starving. You haven't eaten for ages.

You feel ill. You're so hungry. If you break the rules in any way to eat the thing that's presented to you. He's gonna kill me whole family. I've had me murdered. Except for me weirdly, he's gonna leave me out of it, which I think's pretty sound.

Oh, that's good. Right. Nice guy. You are on a three day hike slash camping trip, I'm already out, and you are miles from any shops on the last night you have boiled water to make a hot chocolate brackets or preferred hot drink yeah okay to stir it your campmate used the handle of the shovel used to bury your shits do you know about this you've got a bury your shit

in the woods so I didn't know about this until my mate started doing all this weird walking stuff. So my mate Michael goes up on walks and hills and stuff. And the stay in a thing, forgive us if I get this wrong, it's called a boffle or a boffy or something. A boffy. Yeah, and it's like a little hut that's on a hill. They've turned them into houses. The village we used to live in had a boffy. Loads of them do, yeah.

So, there is a shovel in there, which is the communal shovel that everyone uses. You're gonna have a shite, you dig a hole, you shite in the hole and then you bury it. Somehow, your hot drink is being stirred with this. Stirred by that? It's been raining for days, you are freezing and this is the last hot drink you have left. Do you drink it? But it's been stirred with a shovel used by people who've just had a shit. No. I don't like hot drinks that much. What do you drink it but it's been stirred with a shovel used by people who've just had a shit No, I don't like hot drinks that much

What do you like? You can't change the- you've asked us the question, you can't now say Oh, it's a- I like cup of soups Oh, it's a cup of soup? There we go Nah, I just wouldn't fill it as much and I'd swill it like that I'm not using- Oh! Click click! Family executed, don't you dare try and pull a fast one on me.

Click click was so unnecessary. Click click is awful, that is horrible. That is horrible and it's a visual. I've been listening to MIA. All I want to do is and it, ching, take your money. And very violent song for such a childish thing. OK, you ready for your next one?

Yeah, go on. So you're not having that, that's good. I'm not having the bothy shit shovel. Right. Cup of soup. Oh, you don't. Long time listener, second time emailer. Would Rosie rather eat, brackets, Q,

Q aggressive slurping noise and giant belch. Thank you, already done it. A lint chocolate ball. Oh yeah, okay. I mean, I'm off the sugar, but yes, I would, yeah. A lint chocolate ball. Oh yeah, okay. I mean I'm off the sugar but yes I would, yeah. A lint chocolate ball that tasted of shit or an actual ball of shit that tasted like a lint chocolate ball? What is this?

This is good. Well, obviously I'm gonna wanna taste the one that tastes like chocolate. How does shit taste like chocolate? It's magic. Right, I'd eat the shit. You'd eat the shit? You'd eat a ball of shit? Whose is it? This is horrible. This is horrible.

This is awful. You're the one eating shit, not me. I always think we've scraped the bottom of the barrel and we've gone too far. And then you ask me, do you eat the shit that tastes've scraped the bottom of the barrel and we've gone too far. And then you ask me, do you eat the shit that tastes like chocolate or do you eat the chocolate that tastes like shit? And I've got to answer.

We went through the bottom of the- I mean, the whole family gets murdered. This is so ridiculous. We went through the bottom of the barrel years ago. You know, there's a glass ceiling. We had a glass bottom of the barrel and we smashed through that shit years ago. Whose shit is it?

The kids. Can it be the kids? I would eat that shit years ago. Whose shit is it? Errrr... The kids. Can it be the kids? I would eat the kids shit, I wouldn't eat your shit. I'd eat my shit, I'd eat the kids shit. Very arrogant, ain't you? It's the only shit I'd eat. Very arrogant. Right, fair enough, it can be your shit.

My shit? Yeah. Oh! Oh, I'll have a couple! I'll have a box! It's pre-Joseph, love. Sticking an advent calendar. I'm done. I'll have one a day Just reach yourself. Stick it in an advent calendar, I'm done. I'll have one a day for 24 days. Right.

I mean, God. No, not really. I don't want to. No, actually no. I'm going to say no. I can say no. I'm like trying to justify it. You can't say no.

You just can't change the rules. I don't want to eat it. No, I don't want to eat my own shit. Good. You can't like turn around and go, oh well what I would do is I would make a box. I don't want to eat it. I don't want to eat it. I don't want to eat it.

I don't want to eat it. I don't say no, you just change the rules. I don't want to eat it. No, I don't want to eat my own shit. Good. You can't like turn around and go, oh well what I would do is I would mix the click click, family gone. Stop doing the good fucking like that. Sorry. Very much enjoying living in a good free society. Thank you very much.

Oh god yes. Okay, final one. Would Rosie eat, oh what's your favourite spread? It says peanut butter here but it says what's your other favourite spread? Chocolate spread or like butter. Like Nutella. Okay, would Rosie eat Nutella off a dog's lick mat? Didn't, you went straight to dog dick

and it was not dog dick, that's disgusting. And I'm not having it. Of a dog's lick mat. What's a lick mat? Well, that has only been wiped clean from the previous time it was used. Bearing in mind, it will have old, crusty bits of peanut butter in all the corners.

If you're not sure what a Lick Mat is, I have no idea. I think I know what it is. Oh, I think I know what it is. I've seen people doing them on Instagram. It's like a plastic mat, isn't it? And you just put loads of bits of stuff in it all over and they're just licking. It is a silicon mat that patterned that patterned holes like a

poppet mat oh yeah that you cover in peanut butter and freeze to give it as a toy to distract them as well so there's holes in it or whatever and you put them so it takes them a while to lick it out it's already you know right okay it's already you know no oh oh sorry do you know when it drink your dog's old slather. It's been wiped clean with a dry cloth. Your highness. No, no. I can't even like have a dog lick me hand. Yeah.

I hate that, you know. Why does he just think they can just lick you out? I don't know. Just like, just, oh, hello, nice to meet you. He's just saying, oh, who is your dog? Think he is. He'll lick you out of the way. Just like, just, oh hello, nice to meet you. He's just saying, oh, who is your dog? Think he is. He's gonna lick you all over. Hey, no, okay then.

Right, good, well that was... What does he eat? Oh, fuck me. I guess it's getting worse. You need to bin that section. Can't it? Can't it? People will love it. People will be uproar, they'll be marchers.

They'll be marchers. There'll be no marchers. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Krikstank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel.

It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com.

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Watch the trailer now and secure your tickets for a truly unforgettable cinematic experience. A complete unknown, only in theaters December 25th. Ba ba do ba ba do ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. It's time for Watcha Beef. Watcha Beef beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Beef Would you like to go first or shall I go first? I'll go first. Okay.

Do you know what? I will go first. We were chatting before about how we went for our communal dental appointment and then we went for lovely Italians after. Yes. I got the kids got the pizza. Yeah. Enjoyed it very much.

Robin got some prawns which he only ate one of them, we had the rest. Yeah. Enjoyed it very much. Robin got some prawns, which he only ate one of them. We had the rest. Amazing. And we got pasta each. I got a seafood pasta. You got the aubergine with like pine nuts, very posh and lovely. Tell them what you weren't gonna order

before I suggested it. Gartabread. Right? Yeah. But you weren't gonna get it. No, I didn't want one that time. Hold up. How come whenever I make any sort of food in the house, especially pasta, if I forget to put in the garlic bread, we've spoke about it on this podcast at length,

if I forget to put in the garlic bread, it is the crime of the century. Yet, we went out to a restaurant, you ordered your meal and I said, you're not getting any garlic bread to which you said, no. Okay! Right! Couple of things, yeah. One... Explain. Yeah! One, why am I being gaslit into wanting garlic bread now? For months and months and months and months, I've been told that... All you ever do is whinge about how I don't put garlic bread in, but we'll go out for dinner and you get a pasta,

which is the same as what I make, and you don't order one. Yeah. So you don't need one. For months and months and months, you have told me that I shouldn't have to have a garlic bread with every meal. No, you shouldn't, because it's disgusting.

Constantly, right? And the one time I say I don't want to have a garlic bread with a meal, I get given a load of shit. The one time I'm not fucking making it right you don't get it Okay, the one time when you could literally go and get some chips right excess why I Didn't want to Know but I can guarantee the next time I make pasta you'll have garlic bread at home. I will Not that and you're gonna hate this for it

Why are you just picking the house? It's not that and you're gonna hate this for it. I don't know why I'm admitting it to you. It's for space on the table. How do you know that? It's because I've got both kids. There's too much going on. Both kids are there. They're making a mess. They've got food all over them. They're grabbing across the table. They're knocking over glasses of wine.

There's too much stuff on the table. I just wanted me pasta and I want it. But you bullied us into getting the garlic bread. And how much garlic bread did you have? Well, I mean it wasn't you didn't have one fucking bit. I did get yourself a god. I did have a bit Did you it was beautiful? It was a space on the table. It was with top tomato and cheese. It was incredible I pizza it was incredible. And it's too much on the table. It stresses us out It stresses out when both the kids are there and what I went to the shop on the corner

I got them a couple of magazines so they could sit and read the magazines. Just look what's going on. Not like you to get stressed at all. Just not like you. I'm normally so calm and so zen. So out of your ordinary. It's bizarre, isn't it? I must've been having a bad day.

My beef with you, I went out with my friends for a curry and a few beers the other day. The next morning, I went, oh, I've got a missed call of Jonathan. And I'll just quickly ring him back. And you looked at me like it was the weirdest thing in the world that I was phoning the friend that I'd just been out with the night before,

yet whenever you've been out with your friends. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was seven o'clock in the morning. I was up, he was up. Right, that's the only, I didn't look at you weird because you were speaking to your friend the day after. Speaking to your friend, are you? It was because you guys never ring each other

like that early in the morning. Well, we've decided to start. Yeah, it wasn't that you were chatting on the phone. I think that's lovely, normal, if anything. It was because it was like seven o'clock in the morning. That's why I looked at you. Oh, is that your beef? Is that it?

It's just whenever I wear with car rings or just rings, you're like, ah, but whenever one of of your friends rings it's like you drop everything and then go and have a phone call with your friend. I've read like right okay well I'll tell you right now do I speak at 25 decibels when I'm on the phone and do I you see when you're on the phone you mate you follow me around the house and I'm like mate there's other rooms what you writing down? It's 25 decibels, not very loud. How loud is 25 decibels? Oh, God.

Okay. You do follow us around and I find it very irritating. 25 decibels? Sound of breathing at one metre distance? Yeah, I do, yeah, I do. Yeah, I'm talking 25 decibels. Yeah I do, yeah I do. Yeah I'm talking 25 decibels. Husted by her own petard. There she is.

So what like a thousand decibels? 3 million decibels. 190 decibels is heavy weapons at 10 meters behind the weapon. Maximum level. So there we go. 40 decibels. Distraction when learning or when concentration is needed. 35 decibels very quiet room fan at low speed one meter distance. Yeah 25 decibels there.

Can you imagine going out with people who write this shit? Absolutely not. Just because you don't understand it. Nerds. Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo It's time for questions from the public. As always if you want to get in touch with Shag, maridinoid at gmail.com Dear Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. Always do. I'm a single gal in her mid-twenties so I am deep in the trenches of the dating world. Remember?

Remember, remember? No, I don't remember being a single girl in my twenties but thank you for asking? I don't remember being a single girl in my 20s, but thank you for asking. I very much remember being a single girl in my 20s. Missed cuddles when I was in my single, when I was single. Missed cuddles, just like cuddles. Missed cuddles. That's why I used to have one night stands,

just for a cuddle. Really, I bet the lads were buzzing with that. Yeah, tragic, innit? It's really sad. It makes us feel really sad when I think about when I used to just have one night stands because I was just a bit lonely. Oh God. Women can do that. Men can't.

Women can just decide to have a one night stand. It's a lot easier for women to just decide to have a one night stand. Is it? Well, yeah, because there's not many women who are always up for one night stands, but most men are up for one night stands. Yeah, I didn't have to think. Yeah, I didn't. Yeah. Oh, must be lovely. Oh, must be lovely. Eh? Just like a buffet. Just like half one in the morning I go I probably should pick one now.

God. No I didn't. It was always I haven't had that many one night stands it was more sort of like chatting and just yeah I don't want to sound like a slag. Too late you fucking dirty horrible street walker. Sorry. I've used them, so hang on, Trenches of the Dating World.

I've used them on and off for years now, so I've had my fair share of strange comments and requests. I'm just talking about the apps, yeah. Rather notably, a man once decided his opening line should be, hello, my chubby queen. Not one I remember in Romeo and Juliet, to be honest. I immediately unmatched that. Bold, my chubby queen.

Wow. Oh my God. What? I mean, I mean, come on. Would you say it in person? You'd get a drink thrown in your face. Well, this is the thing, but online.

Keyboard warriors. So you can even be a keyboard warrior on face. Well, this is the thing, but online. Keyboard warriors. So you can even be a keyboard warrior on a date now. Which is exciting. I know you and Chris are always horrified by some of the dating stories. So I wanted to share one of mine with you. I love, I still love hearing dating stories. It's because we got, I've said it before

and I'll say it again, it's because we got together and settled down just as date naps were taking off. Thank God I never had it. I'd never been on a date nap in my life. And hopefully I never will. I was on Plenty of Fish for 24 hours and I got loads of messages. Not to be vain.

No, no, no, not to be vain. I think it was the same people who just messaged, oh, you fresh meat, right? And I'll never forget, a lad I literally went all through school with. I'm talking nursery to comp. Messages like you didn't... Like you didn't know who you were.

Like you didn't know who I was and I was cute. Hello? Yeah, because you'd had a glow up or a glow down. Because I look the same. I've got like...it was only...how old was I? About 22? Right. No, I must have been older because I came out a bit. It was before I met you. Right. 26. I didn't look that much different. Okay well there we go. I just think.

Must be a good photo. I just think I had like copy and paste it just sent the same shit and I was like uh hello. Did you enjoy being called a chubby queen or did you take that to heart? I was actually the thinnest I've ever been, so it definitely wasn't me. Right. So listen. And last year I was dating a man I met in an app and after a few dates, everything was going swimmingly. That's good. It always is. It always is. We finally had the big night. Oh, God.

OK. For a few dates. She's talking about sexual intercourse. I am. He came over to mine and the deed was done. Okay. To clarify, this was the first time we had slept together. Okay. After all the fun was over, we were laid there cuddling and chatting when all of a sudden he turned to me and said,

you can't help us get this ingrown hair, can you? I mean- Oh no, there's more. It's been bothering us for days. Yeah. At which point he rolled over and presented me I mean... Oh no, there's more. It's been bothering us for days. At which point he rolled over and presented me with a giant ingrown hair on his... Arse? Arse cheek.

Arse cheek! This is vile. Wow. This is vile. Tell the truth. What? You'd be buzzing. Not after the first...no, I'm sorry.

No? No, I love squeeze...I'm more of a watcher. I enjoy watching it than part, I don't want to do the squeezing. I like to watch it. Okay. Now everyone, there's more to this okay. Everyone loves the satisfying ingrown removal but 30 seconds after penetration and only a few dates in is getting a bit too comfortable too soon.

30 seconds after penetration? I wouldn't enjoy that. So, we get a lot of this right? too comfortable too soon. 30 seconds after penetration. I wouldn't enjoy that. So we get a lot of this right? We get a lot of we did the deed and then we're lying there and he said this. Is it just what happens? Does something happen in your body? Do you let your guard down? Do you feel relaxed? Do you feel so close to the person? Even like honestly. To be honest with you I've never felt more vulnerable at that moment with someone who I don't know very well. Well, maybe.

It's not an enjoyable feeling. All right, well, that's, well, maybe a bloke, does it go the other way? Does it go, oh, I've done that now. This is class. This is locked in. No, I would think for women, it's a very, like we give off more of a really sort of like

emotional hormone when we have sexual intercourse. Okay. And men, I think just do it. Well, I honestly think. But we are. Okay. And men I think just do it. Well I honestly think. But we are a lot more intimate I think. I think that men must just be really relaxed and really like.

No, stop, this is not all men. Would you ask? No, some, some. Is it Minga? Yeah, I know I'm not. Is it Minga and he could never be a gladiator? We get a lot, why? Because body is.

Same as me. What a diss. And I'll tell you early, you're a minger and you will never be a gladiator. Or an Olympic diver. You will never be a gladiator. I wonder if Tom Daley ever got self-conscious about a spotty arse. I love a body on him. He's on some advert now, a British gas advert or something. Oh, can't help it, lad is ripped. Oh yeah, he's unreal. The lad is absolutely ripped. Lush, he's pure lush.

So yeah, all I'm saying is we'll get a lot of this. I think the guard must drop massively. No, I think he's a binger. Great. I don't think it's got anything to do with sex. I think he's... Great. Dare I say it, bit of a scruff.

Get in. I'm sure Chris is wondering if I did indeed help him out. 100%. And the answer, embarrassingly, is yes I did. Get in. She squeezed it. However, the whole experience, including him wincing in pain when I went near it, certainly killed the mood.

Fuck it, that one. Dude, get a mirror and a pair of fucking tweezers. What's wrong with you? I know. I know. Oh, that's great. Manky. Absolutely manky. Imagine. What would be worse? Like, what would be worse? Like that? Like, can you do this in Grinnair or whatever? Or like, you just finished and she's like, can you help us do

my tax return? Can you help us do this homework for uni? What about, well he has a, it's not really that embarrassing. Imagine you just finished and she's got a night out the next night, so she's like, after a shower, and then she's like, can you tan me back? Would that be weird? Yeah, well, the bloke would be raging. The bloke would be raging. Do you think?

Yeah, tanning the back and squeezing the spots and the hairs, that's relationship stuff. That's not fucking just after having sex, no chance. And Sheila not wrang him back and he'll be like, whoa, yeah, I didn't get getting the band touch. Unbelievable that. Manky, ugh. Manky.

I do not make you jealous, but I was once going out with a guy and I was actually going out with him. Well, not not, not probably. He was a bit of a dick. Anyway. Oh, I'm so jealous already. I know.

You've started so well here. Anyway, it wasn't like I just met him. I had known him for a little while. He had a blackhead in the center of his back. And I still think about it now. Honestly, not to make you jealous. I don't think about it. I just I squeeze this blackhead.

It didn't stop. It didn't stop. Really? Was it insane? Oh, fuck. I don't think about it enough. Just I squeezed this blackhead. It didn't stop. It didn't stop. Really was it insane? Oh fuck, I'm done. Ugh. Not the real thing. The wank bank.

The blackhead wank bank. Just imagine I was jealous. Imagine that. Rosie, are you even thinking about this and going here on my back? Are you thinking about that? Brokes blackhead again. So I bet you some guys would get jealous of that.

But yeah, not you. Oh God. Rosie, you've done the shopping. Rosie, you forgot to get milk? Well, you walk around the supermarket thinking about that vlog's fucking blackhead again. He's thinking about his blackhead. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

Dear Rosie and Chris, long time listener, since episode one release. Oh, attendee of every tour, but a first time emailer, emailee. And so there you go, being everywhere. So you've been watching, watching forever. And now you're getting involved, thank you. Okay, come on then. Right.

So it's worth the wait. I mean, it might not be, but we'll see. I'm currently listening episode 289, where you've been discussing sentences, sentences you never imagined you'd say until you become parents. Got you. I can't remember what we said. I can't remember anything but yeah okay.

This will upset Chris. I have almost two year old identical twin boys. That's not the upsetting part. I mean it is upsetting. It's very upsetting. And two male golden retrievers. It's a lot of dicks. It's a lot of little dicks.

It's a lot of noise is what I was thinking. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of noise, a lot of drooling, a lot of shit. In brackets, that isn't the thing but it might upset Chris anyway. Yeah, I'm already just thinking about the state of your kitchen floor. They're molded a lot. Well, I've already just thinking, I'm just thinking about the state of your kitchen floor. But, well, I've said this before. When you're walking along the street

and you see someone with a massive dog, all I think is, they're arses on your soul. That dog is like a human in your house. Did I ever tell you, I don't know why, did I ever tell you about me mate who came and stayed when I first got a house in Manchester, when I first started doing stand-up? Me mate came and stayed and we went out on the night

and it was summer night and he had them night rifts on. You know, the night rifts that were like ninja shoes with the toe thing, yeah. They had them on with no socks and people wore them with no socks. And he slept on me sofa on the night because he stayed over and when he had a sofa, he slept on the sofa and he had his bare feet on one side of the sofa and I had to throw away two sofa cushions because they smelled like tangy cheese Doritos in the morning because he just had his night rifts. Then I'm sure I've said this before but my first girlfriend that I ever went out with I used

to wear night rifts going to her house and I left them in a porch and her dad smelt them and went off it and he put them in an Asda carrier bag tied it up and threw it in the cupboard under the stairs. Respect. Respect. Oh imagine though, I'd be so upset if my daughter brought the lad home who had cheesy, horrible and manky feet. I'd be like, what are they doing? Are you wearing that fucking thing again? Yeah.

As the carrier bag, tied tight, covered under the stairs. And you're super clean, you don't have smelly feet? I do have smelly feet. I've got rooms. Do you? Yeah. Well, you know, I go through slippers. If I don't wear socks on my slippers, absolute hell on.

Well, you must be hiding them because I haven't smelt out, you know me. Well, I always wear socks. As long as't smelt that. You know me. Well, I always I always wear socks. As long as I'm wearing socks, I'm fine. OK. I wear shoes, but any kind of shoe without socks. Hell on. Absolutely hell on. OK. Well, listen to this anyway. So that's not the part that upsets you, even though I do find it a bit upsetting. And I have to say, oh, this is what he has to say.

And I have to say on a regular basis, no boys, please stop licking each other, dressing a dog and a child as they lick each other's faces. Oh, I know it's horrible, but like them little boys, them little boys have got two golden, like there's four, there's basically four kids. There's four kids, but two of them are hairy dogs. But there's four boys there. Ah, what a childhood.

They are lovely dogs. Yeah, they've got a childhood of like an American movie in the nineties. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Until it dies and then it'll be Marley and me. Everyone will be dead sad. Stop bringing the fucking tone down. What's wrong with you? There's two of them as well. Pack it in.

That's gonna be upsetting. I'm actually at a point in my life, you know, where I don't really wanna like make new relationships and getting an old people because I just think sadness is on its way. Does that make sense? Welcome to my world. Oh, I'm honestly like... It's all I think about. Is it because I've met you or is it because I'm getting older? I think I'm radiant, aren't I? Oh God.

I think I'm radiant, aren't I? I just can't be bothered with that. It's all downhill from here. It's all downhill from here. You're gonna start getting older, your body's gonna start packing in on you, your mind's gonna start packing in on you, everyone you know is gonna start dying, and you're gonna die. Oh, you know I like to tell you stuff. I've seen a video, didn't read it. Yeah. I don't read it. You know I like to tell you stuff? You know how I like to tell you stuff. I've seen a video didn't read it. Yeah, I don't really you know I like to tell you stuff. No, I like to tell you stuff

Well, it's one of them things where I've seen it I did it once and I haven't done it since it's been I seen it about a month ago And is this like the book write a sentence a day that you bought and wrote one sentence in it And it's still on the shelf. I filled in two pages The first one was to be your fucking name and address, because there's one fucking sentence in, watched Robin and Chris play with each other that day, it made me very happy. Then a full empty book. But it is a lovely turquoise colour, so it's still on the shelf.

It's a nice ornament. No, listen, apparently, hang on, something to do with Alzheimer's and dementia. It can stop you. I'm getting it. I know you can't catch it, obviously it's hereditary. Right. So it's something to do with a drop of insulin. So if you are, and I've just remembered something else.

If you do 30 squats after every meal, something happens in your body where it helps produce insulin so it can stop you from getting Alzheimer's and dementia. And also, if you know any old people, right, and I'm actually gonna tell me none of this, but I don't know whether she'll be offended, but you know, when they stand up,

here's a bit of information. If you've got an old relative, you know how they can fall down because they're blood sugar and like whatever. When they stand up, you've gotta do, march on the spot like this March on the spot and then walk and then walk The video is a woman going does this happen to your relative?

Fucking stacks it Stands up and she's doing impression of like an older person But she just stands up and falls and I was like i'm hooked what what is this video about? And then so they've got to stand up and do that and then walk. Right. I'm going to tell me now when I see you next. Great. I'm going to go, now I hear you, old bitch. Remember when she was on our TV show? We talked about when she was on our TV show.

She was in the crowd sitting for a three hour record. And then we got well, that's exactly it. We got up to stand up and dance and just stood up and jumped on the stage to dance and fucking stacked it immediately. Whole place was she was absolutely fine. I caught her. I was very proud of myself. Oh bless her heart. I mean she was living life. Whole place was free now. She was fine. She went home. Oh yeah. Oh. Done again. Take two. Sat down. Got up again and danced. I went ears. Cause obviously you have erm, you've got your ear piece in. Put yourself as a loser in the mind. Oh my god. Oh my god. Is your nana okay? I was like

oh she's fine. St. John's ambulance were fucking running in. She was a nightmare. No she was alright actually. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hello Chris's fine. St. John's ambulance were fucking running in. She was all right, actually. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hello, Chris and Rosie. Hi. Hope you well. Please keep me anonymous. Always do. And it's really not that it's not an anonymous. I don't feel anyway. Each to their own. If you want to be anonymous, that's absolutely fine.

Well, maybe the mean just don't share any details. Maybe they don't want anyone to know they're listening to this shit. Probably. They probably got a really exciting job. Yeah. Interesting sort of clever job. Get struck off as a lawyer. Yeah. I've never experienced the ick before, but I believe I just have. And to distract myself from all sex appeal towards my boyfriend drained from inside me,

I've had to write this email immediately after. Okay. Well, okay, that's why she wants to be anonymous. I don't think you're meant to have sex appeal for the person that you're with forever because, no, do you know when in films, you know when they're like Yeah, after 40 years they get all over each other. You're like you've seen that person shit. There's no way Maybe maybe Rosie maybe they shut the fucking door when they go to the toilet Maybe those people shut the door. All right, then

Well, can you ever erase the memory of when I was in labour and you had to wipe my vagina? I forgot it until you just reminded us. Do you remember? So thank you very much. It's in the trauma section of my brain which is closed up. Alright? It's in the wank bank. No, no it's not.

Awful. And that's what alcohol is for by the way. To find the person you've been with for years attractive and sexy that's what alcohol is for. Carry on. That's such a horrible thing to say. You just said eh! Well fair enough, maybe alcohol. Oh sorry sorry, okay here we go. So I'm supposed to find you attractive. You still sit up and wait for me to get in from a night out.

Brilliant. You dirty little bastard. Everybody knows my friend, and we were laughing about this, it was two o'clock in the morning, my friend was like, you'll be up. I was like, watch. She was like, watch. So we literally rang once, she was like, hello. Just waiting. He's drunk, fucking. Right, are you ready? When washing the dishes, this is the ick right that she's got for her boyfriend. When washing the dishes after our tea,

my boyfriend of six months asked if I would like to make a drink to take up the bed in a reusable clear cup I always use. When he grabbed the plastic straws, which I had already freshly washed, I turned to view him stood staring intensely at me as he air dried them through a rather threatening skiing motion.

Oh, I like that. Look at this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What made this worse is it was only one straw in one hand so he had no need to even waff the other hand about until he's just doing it with one. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. If you think that it's you are mistaken, Ramsey.

He attends so hard through his motion, he then lets quickly farts out for three arm swings all while still holding eye contact. This is horrible. He's on a fucking nightmare. So he's got the straw and he's swinging it down over. He's swinging it down over. You've got a straw there. Don't, you'll wet everything.

There's already water coming out of it. We've got a lot of expenses. So he's doing that, swinging it down. Such such a kill job here's one for you i didn't even tell you this so the other day have you ever so i was i was making them i was making chicken wraps right uh you are i think you were at rehearsals for your singing thing right and the kids waiting their pizzas and i was doing my chicken wraps and i wanted the mayonnaise there was hardly any mayonnaise left in the bottle and you'd instead of putting it in the kitchen door you'd in the in the fridge you'd put it lying down.

Get me in the stocks. Have you seen how you get the mayonnaise out? You swing your arm around. You swing it around, so I swung around too fast and I fell over. I fell over in the kitchen. I swung my arm so fast, I pulled myself to the right and I fell over, I raised a little chair. I stumbled on his chair and fell over and I hurt my shoulder a bit. That's horrible.

So that's, I feel that guy. Okay, so when I said before, and okay, I think the watching each other shit was very dramatic. But when you've been together for so long, you see all of that stuff. No, you were out so I got away with it. But I've told you. Yeah, I know, but normally I would have been there. How do you go about still being attracted to these people when you've seen all this stuff? Ravage me. Ravage me, man who injured himself trying to get the last bit of mayonnaise out

of the bottle. Yeah, awful. Cover me in your mayonnaise, man who...yeah, you see where I'm going with that. You see where I'm going with that. It's just white. I'd rather it was mayonnaise. I don't know. Or salad cream, you prefer salad cream, wouldn't you?

See what I can do. I'll see what I can do. Give it 20 years, I think you'll be able to like decide what flavour. Yeah, probably a little hole, cartridge in the top like a shotgun, put whatever you want in. Like an air up. You haven't invented something. You haven't invented something. Don't give us that look that you've invented. I have just invented a cock flavour air up.

No, so was it? I'm writing it down. Oh, an air up that you strap on your...oh yeah. So far... An air up that you strap around your dick. Let's stop saying the name because they have sponsored the podcast. I don't want to associate with.

So a thing you strap around your dick. The flavour. In the same as them flavoured water capsules, you strap it around your dick. And so that when you're given a blowjob, you're through taste, you smell whatever the smell is, and it's a nice flavour. Penis-scented snare snub. flavor. Penis scented snare snup.

Penis scented snare snup? No, not penis snup. You can't be penis. Something else. You know what penis are? What flavor do you want? My money smells like blackcurrant and I'm absolutely sick of it. I want a good cheesy penis smell on this. Earthy. I want an earthy penis smell. Well someone always ruins it. Like the Harry Potter jelly beans. Someone always ruins it. like the Harry Potter jelly beans.

Someone always ruins it, so like, vomit blue. So what should be the first, what should be the... A giant aerocapsule that goes around your dick so that when you're getting it it smells like whatever you want. What should be the first scent? Apple. Apple's good. Strawberries, gotta be strawberries and cream.

Always go with strawberries and cream. No, you don't want that sickly. You need a bit sickly, yeah. I'd say apple, nice, like in the summer, apple, and then in the winter, let's go for... Pumpkin spice? Pumpkin spice. Hey, I'm not, I'm not advice, I'd, I'd... I'm not advice, adverse.

Adverse. I'm not adverse to doing some marketing on this. Are we testing them out? If we're testing them out, I'm on board. I'll pour all my money into this. Honestly, don't shit where you eat. She's going to suck someone else's dick to smell it. Is that what this is? That's not even tempting.

I don't want to suck anyone's dick ever again. Ah, it's going to be married innit? Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. You've been listening to Shag Married and Oyed which is part of the Acast creator network. Yes, thank you very much for listening. If you want to get in touch with anything at all at shagmarriedandoyed.gmail.com. Back in your ears next week. Don't forget the Laugh For Kids tickets are still available yes it's on Sunday the 15th this

Sunday coming and me and Chris are there singing with me choir there's loads of other comedians on as well and it's gonna be a great night and if you listen to this after Sunday the 15th oh god wasn't it good it was brilliant what a bloody night what a night. Yeah. Bye. women from across Canada who are exploring global issues that affect girls' lives and choices and how they relate to Canadian youth. Tune in to season 3 of the She Soars podcast for more hot topics and inspiring speakers from around the world and discover ways we can all take action. Her rights, her voice. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.

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