Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 30. Swamp rings

Episode Date: September 6, 2019

This week on the podcast Rosie shares what she did for her Year Six project, Chris reveals what a bad loser he is, there's some car themed beef and some dubious emails from listeners! Plus Chris tries his hand at giving Rosie a new nickname. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mardenoid with me, Rosa Marino-Ramsey,

and my husband, Christopher Ramsey, who is currently telling me off for having a drink next to the podcast equipment. Right. Because he clearly thinks that I'm a nine-year-old. Right. Okay, sorry. So first of all, it sounded like I was telling you off for having a drink, and we're both having a drink.

We're on wine again. It's another plonk cast. Plonky cast. But you did pick up the mic and knock the wine glass over and it nearly went everywhere and it's mainly because it's mainly because i can't be bothered to buy another one of these mixers that we use because i don't know how i've set it to what it is i know i know it sounds great but if i buy another one i don't think i better do the same again i don't think you will but look i'm i will put my wine over here oh no just put your wine wherever you want just don't spill it oh oh changed your tune now will put my wine over here. No, no, just put your wine wherever you want. Just don't spill it. Oh,

changed your tune now we've gone on air. Haven't you? Well, no, because this could be edited. So, no. Mr. Iguana. Iguana? Yeah. Why Iguana? Oh, because I changed my tune. No, I genuinely don't know why. Do you mean chameleon? Possibly. That's where I might have been going. Iguana. Jesus.

I don't... Christopher. You're very stupid. Do you know that? Well, at least I'm pretty. Hey, well, debatable. Hey. Guys, it's episode 30. Happy birthday to us. Doesn't really count.

Okay. And yeah, thank you for listening all the way, if you have. And before we start, it's time for a special word from this week's sponsor right if this is a real thing then you haven't told me about this you haven't discussed and i haven't said yes because i own 50 of this podcast look for the 30th i've gone for um it's it's a product that everyone everyone uses everyone has um but uh they don't really think that need it so i've got to try and sell it to them. It's a tough one.

Nose hair. It's a tough one. No. Urine. No. Ladies and gentlemen, this week's lucrative sponsor is Stubbin' Your Toe. Hey. It's not a product.

Hey. Want to ruin your day? Stub that toe. You want to feel like your body's abandoning you and doing tricks on you? Stub that toe. You want to feel like your body's abandoning you and doing tricks on you? Stub that toe. This is because you stubbed your toe the other day off one of them Ikea boxes. Yeah. The fabric ones.

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Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, the jingle Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo Jingle Hello and welcome back Guess this is episode She's trying to say 30

It's episode 30 I went hello and that is Anyway Should we start again? Do you want to start again? Can't be asked Okay great Welcome back to our podcast

plonk cast and what we've what no because we've had literally like half a glass of wine that's all it takes you can't even speak it's all it takes it's crazy i'm really tired i don't want anyone out there to worry uh this is two plonk casts in a row um but it just happens to be the way it's fallen um start worrying yeah we're recording this um uh tuesday uh 7 a.m in the morning it's not it's not it's night time it is it's night time and we're on the red wine hey cheers cheers cheers husband do you ever sometimes think it's a bit weird that you've got a wife yeah and i've got a husband it is strange i know what you mean i thought obviously i thought our wedding was amazing and lovely but when you're at

other people's weddings you listen to the stuff that they're saying as they're sort of promising themselves to each other and it is probably weird like yeah well you just kind of look and go oh remember when we were like that remember when we were buzzing yeah like in love in that and just like really excited for the future hey yeah no but now it's a dip we were talking about this the other night it's a different kind of love it's like a i am happy to just be happy with you yeah rather than being bothered with anybody else yeah it's a kind of even in the moments when i feel like i need to leave i can't be bothered so i'll stick it out that's exactly that's what marriage is. It's kind of like being stuck in a swamp. A little bit. But it's a nice

swamp, but it's still a swamp. It's a swamp where sometimes like, you know, I do you're washing and that and you'll take my car, you'll park my car on the drive if I need it and stuff. Yeah. So it's nice, like a convenience. A marriage of convenience. A mutual convenient helpful swamp. Yes.

With the occasional cuddle slash book. Book. If you aren't aware what a book is, we're not going to explain it. You'll have to go back and do your prior reading for this episode. Go and do your homework. Tell them all. Why were we talking about marriage in that way? What is our new favourite TV show?

Oh, what's it called again? Temptation Island. Temptation Island temptation island good god it's amazing yeah i uh tried to explain the uh the sort of plot of it to my mom the other day randomly on the phone and i immediately regretted it and i sounded stupid what were you telling your mom about temptation have you watched outlander have you watched any more outlander because my mom like loves outlander so much and uh yeah i said oh we'll watch this other thing. It was really easy listening, because we had a bit of a stressful day.

Easy watching, because it was a bit of a stressful day. Oh my God. So guys, if you haven't seen Temptation Island, oh, it's like Love Island, but the main aim is to cheat, not to couple up with someone who you think you want to be with and be faithful to. The main aim is to cheat.

It's fucking amazing. So the concept is four couples, it's American, obviously, four couples go to this island. There's the amazing. So the concept is four couples it's American, four couples go to this island. There's the girl villa and the boy villa and it's basically just loads of single men in the women's one and loads of single girls in the men's one and it's like

can you stay faithful for a month? It's like sending the women and the men on a month intensive night out where they actually live with the people who are in the bar. Do you know what I mean good well it's like sending me to the dairy milk cabris factory and saying rosie you will not touch anything or we're getting a divorce rosie that would be the shortest show in the world there'd be like 15 minutes of build up and backstory of us and then there'd be a shot of you walking in the factory and then there'd be

a shot of the divorce forms with you signing it with melted chocolate on your hands hello Mrs Ramsey would you like a Freddo's face yes on all the faces remember you've got to try sorry what I can't hear you for the chocolate I've just fucking shoved in every hole in me head

have I said on the podcast year before I don't know if I have but I think I've told you this do in every hole in me head have I said on the podcast yeah before I don't know if I have but I think I've told you this do you know that in year six I did my project about Cadbury's absolutely fantastic did you know that

I don't think I knew this yeah I did a full project did I know it I may have known it I don't know I don't know if it's podcast being taught about

or in real life but if I can't remember it they're not going to so explain what was it about I can't remember I think I just had to do so explain what was it about i can't remember i think i just had to do a project about something that you really liked wow and obviously it was year six so i just remember that i drew like pictures of the rainforest and that because i

think where the cocoa beans come from yeah but i contacted um cabri world and they sent me some stuff which was nice so i put that in my project but yeah did it how what a fat horrible mess was that my year six project was about chocolate i've got problems got serious problems and i'll tell you once when i was in junior school my um we had a bit where we had to stand up in front of the um we had to stand up in front of all of the year groups and see what New Year's resolution was. Okay. And everyone was like, don't bite me nails,

don't fight with me sister and stuff like that. And mine was, and I remember reading it off a piece of paper, and I can tell you exactly what it was. My New Year's resolution is to play on my Sega Mega Drive more and to stop resetting it when I lose. And I genuinely remember seeing a guy in the year above in the crowd,

like, like, like, disgusted. He was in the audience, audience, that's not what you did. He was in the assembly

and he was, he just like, looked at us as if to go, what a frigging idiot you are. I don't understand, what do you mean, resetting it when you lose? So I had Street Fighter

at the time. I love Street Fighter. As soon as I got beat, I would just stand up and just press reset. Like Raj, even if I was on like, you know, like almost at the at the time I love Street Fighter as soon as I got beat I would just stand up and just press reset like Raj even if I was on almost at the final boss I would just press reset

like an idiot and that was my New Year's resolution to stop resetting it when I lose you've always been quite bad at losing didn't your mum

and dad recently said when Robin stays at their house he's got this lovely little game that he plays it's called Shop and Listen you've got to take turns to pick all the little

bits upside down and put them on your list or whatever and they were like your mum was plays it's called Shopping List you've got to take turns to pick all the little bits upside down and put them on your list or whatever and they were like your mum was good it's so lovely playing games with Robin do you know when

Chris was younger we couldn't play any games we could never play any games because he used to always cry and have a tantrum when he lost I have

I still do when Robin beats us it's something I go off it lock him in the shed pathetic well I told you didn't I I think it was my 7th birthday or something we had it at Temple Park leisure it's something I go off it lock him in the shed pathetic well I told you didn't I I think it was my seventh birthday or something

I had it at Temple Park leisure centre and all I remember from it is running round like not being being like out in musical chairs and being out in

past the parcel and not winning and just screaming crying just the whole time screaming crying oh I don't I got home I got bollocked

I hated you when you were younger yeah well you probably didn't have time for friends you were probably too busy doing reports on various confectionery companies. Possibly, yes.

I've still not been to Cadbury's world. I would like to go. No, I don't think we'll get your bag out. I don't think you would. There's another thing that I've been told before. This is how much... I retain information when it's interesting to us, right? If it's not, I just forget it.

It's about food. It's about Cadbury's. Did you know, right, that in the Cadbury factory, you're allowed to eat whatever you want? This sounds like bullshit. No, it's the rules. In the Cadbury factory, you can eat anything you want, all the chocolate you want,

because the kind of live-by-the-you'll-get-sick-of-it, eventually. I don't think that's true. Somebody told me it once. Somebody told you it once and somebody it is true i think it was a teacher okay well let's work on the idea that that is true and let's put you on the production line the profits would plummet do you know like do you know veronica salt what's veronica salt what you get to keep big that would just be me oh my gosh put me on there bloody

you'd literally what you do is you'd move whatever thing it is so if the conveyor belt's going on with loads of Freddos on you'd move whatever thing that went into it and you'd just lie there

with your mouth open and let Freddos just fall into your face yeah like a cartoon I would nobody knows how I eat a bar of dairy milk

I think they do do they but you can tell you did it last night it was disgusting yeah explain okay well a bar of dairy milk. I think they do. Do they? But you can tell. I mean, you did it last night. It was disgusting. Yeah. Explain. Okay, well, I open the dairy milk, obviously.

And you've got to... You can't have washed your hands, like, really... Oh, it's going to sound terrible now. Obviously, I don't have dirty hands. But I've noticed that over time, if I've just been in the toilet and washed my hands, and then I try and do this it doesn't work because it doesn't melt as good

so it's got to be your hands have got to be a little bit like just kind of I don't know friction or something well yes I take the whole bar out

it's mental I hold the bottom two squares with my thumb and my two fingers two first fingers okay and then I suck

the rest of it like genuinely like I'm giving it... Like a lolly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was going to say something else, but I suck it like that. And then the bottom squares melt, right? And then what I do, once they've melted, I turn it around so that the bits that have been sucking, these melt as well.

And then I lick my fingers. Yeah. You turned to me last night when we were watching Peaky Blinders and out of the corner of my eye I looked at you and I thought, she's got really dark lipstick on today

and it was chocolate and it was all over your face like a toddler. It was minging. It was absolutely minging. And can I say, whoever told you that they can eat

whatever they want in the dairy milk factory, that's utter bollocks. There's no way that's true. Well, I believe that's true. You want to believe that that's true. Well, it's always been a dream of mine

and I'll end up there one day one other really quick story when I was younger we had a gas fire and my mum didn't buy like really luxurious chocolate

so like Kit Kat was probably as exciting as it got I used to get the Kit Kat and when the fire was on I'd hold it in front of the fire so it melted then I'd suck it all up but one time held it a bit too close got chocolate on

the fire was too scared to tell my mom it just stayed on there it wouldn't come off so on the front of the fire on the glass there was just a bit of chocolate i uh i melted um a mini boglin on the fire once can you remember mini boglins what's a boglin boglin on the fire once. Do you remember mini boglins? What's a boglin? Boglin, they were like little... So around the time, anyone listening, if you're sort of my age, our age, you're talking around the time as...

Remember, remember? You're talking like around the time of Monster Wrestlers in My Pocket and all that kind of stuff. Mighty Max, Polly Pocket. Oh, yeah. That kind of crack. Loved little bits of shit. I was, oh, honestly, loved it. So it was little boglins, so they were like that kind of yeah loved little little bits of shit yeah i was oh honestly

all over it so it was little boggling so they were like little kind of mad little kind of goblin things with like little tails in the world like you could fit them in your hand and you can get them from the shop and you bought like the packet and you couldn't see which one it was so you just got them you know what i mean and i had loads of them and i used to put them all around my bedroom and i put one on my lamp once and it melted onto the light bulb because I didn't understand and then I remember I had it, it was an orange one,

tail pointed out the back and it was doing like na na na na na so it's like its thumbs were in its ears and its fingers were out and I pushed, I didn't understand

and it was Sunday afternoon and I pushed its tail on the glass of the fire and my dad went absolutely ballistic, turned the fire off, waited for it to cool down, scratched it off,

shouted at us, took the boggling off us. I think we've all done that. See, I did mine with the Kit Kat, you did yours with a boggling. Love a fire. Loved a fire when I was younger. I dig the fire.

I know, I know. Me and my sister, I used to play with matches in my room. Don't tell me, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. Your ma'am listens, that's terrible. Honest to God.

Playing with matches. I burnt a carrier bag once. Rebel. What? How can you burn a carrier bag? Didn't that just melt? Yeah, well, yeah. Oh.

But I thought I was mint. Like, honestly, shit ourselves. Yeah. Because it started to burn while I... Oh, shit! And it stunk.

We had to open the windows and we had to get all the... I've just remembered something. Oh, my God. What? Right. So, in my DVD, I talked about a kid called Lawrence

on holiday. Yeah, yeah. On the holiday with Lawrence. I met two kids on that holiday. I met Lawrence and I met Martin. And my mum got us... I would get a lighter from wherever I went on holiday. I must have only been about eight.

Why? But I was buzzing with lighters. So I'd get a lighter with my Yorker written on or whatever. Did she let you play with a lighter? She gave us lighters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I was mad.

I collected lighters when I was a kid. Lighters and shot glasses. Right. Isn't that mental? And cigarettes and heroin, used heroin needles. Okay. I generally collected lighters, yeah. No.

Just trusted us. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. That's shocking. It is weird. So what happened was me, Lawrence and Martin were in the room and I can't believe I remember this so vividly.

And we're in the bathroom and we had just some tissue and I set it on fire and it sort of like set on fire in the bathroom and I was buzzing. We put it in the sink and we're in the bathroom and we had just some tissue and I set it on fire and it sort of like set on fire in the bathroom and I was buzzing and we put it in the sink and we're like all laughing and for some stupid reason

I didn't go and put it down the toilet I went and threw it off the balcony so it was just burnt burnt tissue really silly really silly reason

for an eight year old having a lighter so I threw it off the balcony and it blew back and it went to the balcony below and i started like freaking out going oh they're gonna open the balcony and they're gonna see that there's a burned bit of thing and they're gonna go oh well there's obviously been ruffians upstairs built burning tissue so i got like i got a little fishing rod on that holiday to like fish off the pier so i used the fishing rod i got it down on the balcony below and i actually got the the tissue the burnt tissue off the fishing rod and then i went and put it

down the toilet so there you go fucking idiot that's funny isn't it because sometimes you do see just a random little bit of burnt something yeah it's you it's me it's little kids but it's that thing of when you're a kid you go oh they'll definitely know they'll definitely know these people will open their balcony and they'll go they'll be so bothered but you think they'll be so bothered about the march up they'll tell me they'll not run every people will open their balcony and they'll go they'll be so bothered but you think they'll be so bothered but they'll march up they'll tell me they'll knock on every door above going i found this burn but you imagine yeah hello i hope you're having a nice holiday i'm on the floor below i found this but slam the door on your face shut up i thought you were i thought you were room service, you frigging weirdo.

So our... What are we going to do? Oh, well, our son Robin started nursery this week. Ooh, big boy nursery. I know. And do you know what? I didn't actually think that I would be that bothered because he's been going to a private one for a little while, just a couple of days.

Like a daycare thing. Yeah. I didn't think I'd be that emotional, but oh my gosh, I couldn't stop crying. And he, like, oh, so cute so cute it was a candy little place like it is lovely went in these little i i did bubble i did my eyes did fill up because i went in and had the little hook on the wall and had his name above the hook and a little picture of like i think he's a cheetah i think it's a cheetah or a leopard now that'd be right oh damn right i

and uh put his little coat on it oh you, it was lush. You were falling apart. It was lovely, but also a little bit upset at the fact that he just walked in. Oh, my God. It was just, yeah. Didn't give a shit. We were like, bye, son. We love you. He was like, bye.

Straight in. Bye. Couldn't give a monkey's. No. I used to hold on to the railings every morning, screaming, crying. See, this is ridiculous. Screaming. Every day?

Yeah, for the first month, two months, something like that. Is that why your mum gives you lighters? Come on, get in. Here's a lighter. If you burn the school down, you don't have to go. Right, Rosie. Rosie Ramsey. Yes.

A.K.A. Chocolate Quilted Chit Pig. What's happened? Why am I getting full named? Full name and full nickname. The phrase Chocolate Quilted Chit Pig has followed you around for quite a while now. And although we do like it and people do enjoy the phrase, the name, the nickname chocolate quiller shit pig, I felt that I just foisted it upon you and I didn't get a chance to let you decide whether you wanted that or a different one. So this week on the train, I came up with some alternatives to chocolate quiller shit pig

that I'd just like to throw out there to see if you'd want to change chocolate quiller shit pig to a different one. Okay? Are they to do with me or are they just nicknames? They're nicknames for you, lovely nicknames for you. Following in the same rule and sort of

set up of chocolate quiller shit pig. So I just want to see if there's any that you fancied. Oh yeah then. So you can get rid of chocolate quiller shit pig so I just want to see if there's any that you fancied so you can get rid of chocolate quilted shit pig any point you want weirdly I've become quite fond of

chocolate quilted shit pig that's a sentence I never felt well do you know what I know myself quite well and it's quite fitting

got you okay come on then so first one new one you can choose it take it or leave it absolutely yours if you want it or not.

Right? Candy-dipped puke dolphin? Take it or leave it. I don't like it. No, not a fan. No, not a problem. Candy-dipped puke dolphin. Yeah, no.

Has nothing to do with me at all. No. Yeah, neither does the other one, essentially. Well, it kind of does. Love chocolate and I'm a pig. Shit is one of my favourite words. And you are quilted. And quilt.

I love a quilt on a night time. Okay, maybe not. Okay, next one. Cheesy melted jizz donkey. I love the word jizz. I do. And scrim I couldn't get

Amazon Prime or Netflix working on the train so this is where this came from right what a lovely time what was it again

cheesy melted jizz donkey cheesy melted jizz donkey no I'm gonna no I'm still with the other one okay oh there's more yeah yeah

final one last chance take it or leave it you can swap this out for chocolate chip any time you want. What have we become? Final one.

Biscuit crusted piss puffin. I really like that. Or BCPP. It sounds like a pet rule what is it? biscuit crusted piss puffin oh I like that biscuit crusted piss puffin oh

oh hang on BCPP CQSP. Listen, right, I can see how much time and effort you put into all this. It literally took 30 seconds. Really? No, honestly, I can tell that you've put your heart and soul into this. No, not even that.

Thinking about me. It's all through love. Two seconds. Less than that. I think I was eating. I think I was eating while I did it. So, obviously, a lot of time gone into this

really appreciated I'm going to, listen right I'm going to stick with chocolate quill chickpea great absolutely great handshake for the inventor, really good work just not good enough unfortunately

back to the drawing board. But you did come very close with, what was it, biscuit-coated? Pist buffing. Biscuit-crusted pist buffing. Thank you. But I'll be sticking with chocolate-coated shell cake. Wonderful. Thank you.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What is your beef? What's your beef? Shouldn't be such a irritate.

Tell you what, I'll see you in court ladies first okay go right well my beef with you this week has been going

on since the day we met oh shit okay I just never I don't think that was me

scratching by the way sorry great itchy armpit lovely I've got an itchy nipple do you ever

get itchy nipples no um my babe please do the beef itchy armpit. Lovely. I've got an itchy nipple. Do you ever get itchy nipples? Nope. Must be. Please do the beefs. Come on. So,

since we've been together on a night time when we're in bed and we're checking our phones, and we actually do it a lot more now since we've got the TV out of the bedroom. I think we were going to have sex more often. Hasn't happened. No. So, on a night time when we're in bed checking our phones, it really irritates me that you always seem to come off yours first and you're always really smug about it. And you're always like, right, okay, time for bed. Time for bed.

I'm coming off my phone now. Time for bed. Right. Night, night. Okay. Night, night. And I'm like, I, okay, time for bed. Time for bed. I'm coming off my phone now. Time for bed. Right, night, night. Okay, night, night. And I'm like, I'm literally one second behind you. Yeah. Why do you do it?

You do it every single night nearly. I'm just not a slave to technology like you. No, it's like you know. It's like you know when I'm nearly done. You're looking on my shoulder at me like closing my apps or something and now you're literally like, right, okay, I'm done.

So you have to be first to finish on the phone. I'll be honest with you, there is part of us that really wants to be first finished on the phone. There is part of us. Yeah. Do you realise this? Because you make such a big thing of it. You don't just come off your phone and go, night. You're literally like, right, I'm coming off my phone.

Right, I'm done. Done. I'm finished on my phone. Do you know? Yeah, I do. That's a recognition laugh, that is. I'll be honest with you. What it is mainly, right, there is a bit of that of, like, let's finished on my phone. Do you know what a best recognition laugh that is? I'll be honest with you,

what it is mainly, right, there is a bit of that, of like, let's get off our phones. It's because I get sick quicker. Also, I can't lie in bed on my phone as long as you because I get a numb left hand because of that time when I had my PlayStation VR

and you gave us a fright and I trapped a nerve in my neck. So I get a numb left hand. So that's your fault. We all know that's your wanky hand. So whatever. But if you get it numb enough

it feels like someone else so it's brilliant now also I is that true like I don't think anyone's

ever got their arm that numb because if it's really numb you know surely you can't do it erm I mean I don't know maybe

I don't just maybe make like a circle and just like keep the circle still maybe tape it maybe just have sex with the circle I don't know maybe i don't just maybe make it like a circle and just like keep the circle still maybe tape it maybe just have sex with the circle i don't know i'm thinking so much about this you've done that before i've never done that before i'm just thinking of it there now um i mean who's gonna how can you tape it with one right we're going off topic a lot of it is because i like to genuinely start going to sleep while you're still awake. And I don't know why.

Can you not remember that time I told you? Like a baby. Yeah. Can you not remember that time I told you that my favourite part of the night is if someone's pottering around the house and I'm watching The Simpsons lying down and I nod off? Yes. Can you remember when I told you that?

There's something really amazing about it. I tried to forget it. Nearly automatically. I don't know why. it's like a little thing that I love. I love the idea of like nodding off. I like, I love sleeping during the day, I love naps. I like the idea of being asleep when other people are awake

and I lie there and I like cuddle up and I like laugh to myself going like, you're out of wake you fucking idiots and I like go okay and I love it. I can't explain it. If I've had like a really early call in a hotel, say I've had to go and do Radio 1 or something like that in the morning in London,

and I go back to my hotel and I've got a gig on the night and I don't want to go to sleep for the afternoon, I'm buzzing. I sometimes walk back in and I can see people leaving for work and I'm like, dick. It's really funny that though. It's funny that you say all that

because I remember when Robin was really little and he'd wake up for his morning feed and you would never wake up. Yeah, that's because he... It's just weird knowing that you could have gone to sleep in the afternoon. No, no, no, that's what I like. Someone being awake. So he's awake

and I'm asleep and I'm buzzing and then you're awake and it's even better. You're a prick. What's your beef? Come on. My beef with you, my beef with you this week, Rosemary,

is the other day, sometimes I can't, I can't work out what you want or how you're thinking and I don't know what your problem is and sometimes I don't know

why you've even bothered opening your fucking mouth in the first place, right? Whoa. The other day, we were driving along, we were driving along in my car the other day, and you were sitting in the passenger seat. Am I going to have to veto this? Because I can't remember what this is.

And you said, I wrote it down. Yeah, yeah. You said, who's been in this seat? And I went, I don't know. And you went, oh, it feels really low and really back.

Really like, lent back. It's really uncomfortable. I went, well, change it on the side. Just change it. And low and really back. Really, like, lent back. It's really uncomfortable. I went, well, change it on the side. Just change it. And you went, no. And I was like, the fuck? You just wanted to moan about it. You just wanted to moan about it.

And then you want to sit there, uncomfortable, like a bellend. What the hell's wrong with you? I had, oh, I don't know. It's a tiny button on the side. It's literally the shape of a seat and you mould it how you want it. It's electric.

You don't have to wind anything, you know. It's a posh car. I'm very proud of it and you could have literally went and you went,

no, I'll leave it and I'm like, fucking. It was a really short car, Jane. It wasn't.

It was a little bit longer than what you were thinking and it's not short as in you were about to get out. You could have done it in two seconds. And it reminds us of like when I say to my mom,

mom, stop going around loads of shops and just go on Amazon. And she goes, no, I like the trips around all the shops. Oh, well, that's a bit different. Well, you suck. I think that's actually two ends of the complete spectrum. I think you did it on purpose just to keep a little hatred for me car. I think you didn't want to be comfortable in me car because you hate me car. No, it's nothing other than the fact, right?

Listen, judge as you will, I could not be arsed to reach my hand down to the side. Two centimetres. Two or three centimetres from where it was and move it. Couldn't be arsed. I'm not going to lie to you. Unbelievable levels of fear. I'm not going to lie to you.

That is minging. You should be shot. I couldn't be arsed. You don't deserve a pulse. That's terrible. I'd like to just get in a car and sit there I don't sit very often during the day

you're sitting now sitting I'm sitting talking to you doing a podcast doing me job actually when I get into a car I just let you get in

it's like getting on the bus and having to move everything round I just want to get in the car and sit down and enjoy my journey. But you weren't enjoying your journey because you were uncomfortable. Well, I know.

Oh. Your honour, I arrest my case. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe-Hurway. The visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen.

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Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for a question from the public. Public, public, public. Public. Just to start off with something, you know,

lighthearted, as usual. Nice, lighthearted, easy listening. Great, can't wait. Not offensive at all. Fantastic. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

So I thought I would raise something with you to ponder on. My mate, newly single, has been doing a lot of booking. Fantastic. Recently. Love that term, Rosie. Good for you, pet. Get your book on, love. Stay safe.

Obviously. Recently, one chap, the morning after after Took hold of her face Opened her mouth and Spat on it Shut up She was like What the actual No way man

And he was like yeah But it was sexy wasn't it She told us and we were like No What do you think? Sorry. And that's from Sam. Sorry.

So they've been having, you know, relations. The next morning. The way it got me rolls over. First of all, he's a stranger. Second of all, he's got morning breath. Ugh. He's spatting at me. Morning breath.

Opened her mouth. He's spatting it. This man should be in prison. I know, actually. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. What if he's like, that's really dangerous. That's the pits. You're really effective.

Well, you know me, I'm a clean freak. I don't like a bit of morning breath. Imagine someone spitting in your mouth just as you've woke up. That's the worst. Morning has broke. Like the first. That is the worst. Honestly. But. Like the... That is the... Honestly.

But he thought it was sexy. And what did she say after that is what I want to know. He doesn't say what she says, but obviously she told her friends and they were like, that is not on. How do you go on about your day after that?

I mean, Jesus. I'd be straight down the clinic. I'll tell you that. Spat in. Mouth sobs. Well, you wouldn't have to be, would you? Because if they'd kissed, then it's the same kind of thing

on a smaller scale. But that is disgusting. Do you think you got like a do you think you just went or do you think you went from the sounds of it i think you went bits of last night's kebab sorry everyone sorry that's terrible oh i feel ill i think you should go to the police sorry about that it's not very nice is it that's minging it's interesting though there's no question with that great well thanks for that

Mrs Lunatic thanks Sal from North West though North East born and bred I bet you that isn't even a friend

I bet you that's the bloke just trying to see what do you think yeah just trying to make us go oh yeah that is sexy

guess what dude it's not sexy it's the worst it's not okay don't do that if it was up to me if I was yeah that is sexy guess what dude it's not sexy it's the worst it's not okay don't do that if it was up to me if I was the judge on this case I would confiscate your saliva glands

so you could never spit again do you know what this is what this is the new generation the porn generation oh yeah that's that yeah

we watched a program about it didn't we where youngsters nowadays because they watch so much porn because it's just you can get it anyway yeah they think that the way porn stars have sex is like how to have sex so he youngsters nowadays, because they watch so much porn, because it's just, you can get it anywhere. Yeah. They think that the way porn stars have sex

is like how to have sex. Yeah. So he, oh my God, I bet he's like 20 year old or something. Oh God. And he's just thought, I'm going to spit in her mouth when she wakes up.

That's the most revolting thing in the world. I know. But they do that on porn. Oh God. I mean, I turn it off when they do stuff like that. I've got to be honest with you. Excuse me? What? Oh, when I was, when I used to off when they do stuff like that. I've got to be honest with you. Excuse me?

What? Oh, when I used to watch it before I was married. Good save, Chris. No, honestly, I'm arid for that. Horrible. Feet, get the feet out. Get that off now. Close window.

Open another private tab. Close window. Horrible. Not good. Mingus. But that's what they do, and that's what people, that's what girls and boys of's what people that's what girls and boys of this generation

think that is we have young listeners let's tell them now listen porn sex is great as long as the other person is

consent yeah consent is up for it okay but that's not the way they're going on don't wake someone up

by spitting in their mouth no that is that's up there with a driving instructor hanging awayther's original on your gob on the sly. Just as bad.

I mean, it's not. I mean, if he spat in her mouth it'd crash the car. Imagine if he spat in her mouth. I haven't got any more Werthers, but can you taste my last Werther? Yeah, don't do it. Missionary.

Start off with missionary and see how you get on it's true though isn't it I'd hate to be young though oh I couldn't be arsed I couldn't be arsed do you want something else to do with sex

always do you I mean it is called shag maridonoid actually yeah they know what the sign is for we should probably talk about sex more

there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's a parental there's more. There's a parental advisor. A pirental? There's a pirental advisor. Or you better watch out when you're listening to Shagmode and I just pirental advisory warning. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they are. Because they are.

That's what they should do, you know. That's what it should be called. What pirate? Well, no, you know, at the beginning of like, normally, I'll be honest with you I normally see the federal do not pirate or copy this film warning at the beginning of a copied film

I've downloaded in all honesty with you but it should be called a pirental advisory warning there you go yeah just changed history forever got it boom remember where you were right what I was saying was I've got a parental advisory sticker. So yeah.

And it's called Shagged. So there we go. And the word Shagged is probably the reason we've got no fucking sponsors yet. It's 100% the reason. Yeah, 100%. Do you want to link your company

to a podcast where the first word is a swear word? Yeah. Well, listen, listen. Small-minded company owners who are listening. Yeah. Austin Powers 2, Spy Who Shagged Me, made 50 trillion at the box office or something.

More than that. Probably. So, a little back story. About five years ago, my then-girlfriend and I had been out for a lovely lunch and arrived at her house to find no one home. We decided that we would take advantage of the situation and we went to have some fun in her room.

Monopoly? Twister? They're talking about... Sega Mega Drive and they didn't reset it when they lost? No. So much fun, in fact, that we never heard the front door or the footsteps up the stairs or even the bedroom door opening.

No way. My ex's mum had walked in to find her daughter blindfolded and handcuffed to the bed, fully naked, with me also fully naked, standing to attention with my face in her downtown. Jesus Christ. I can't remember what made me look up, but all I remember is peering over my ex's leg

to see her mum just standing there. There was an awkward silence as we just looked at each other. My ex, not knowing what was going on, then started moaning, Oh, why you stop? Keep going, keep going. To which her mum looked back at me and said you heard my girl take care of my bollocks this is a porn plot bullshit and turned around and

walked out closing the door behind her bollocks my ex got startled by the sound of her mum's voice that she kneed me in the face. Needless to say, I could not look her mum in the eye ever again after that and had to make up a story to anyone who asked how I got a black eye, including her dad,

who asked me at the dinner table that night as I sat across from my ex's mum. I was mortified. Do you not think that's true? Bollocks. That is bollocks. That is either the new American Pie script. You liar.

You sending us lies. I was entertained until that you heard my daughter. Bollocks. Should have turned around and walked. That's up there with. So my favorite one that you heard when we were younger. Did you ever hear this one? What?

That a lad put his headphones on, not unlike the ones we're wearing, lay on his bed, started, himself out with his music blasting. And then when he was finished, after being naked on his bed lying, eyes closed with his music on, sits up, looks over across his room, and his pile of dirty clothes have gone and his dinner's there. Oh, no. So that's like an urban legend.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. have gone and dinner's there oh no so that's like an urban legend oh Jesus oh God you do not we're parents now don't don't it's gonna happen it's gonna happen

we've got a little we are gonna catch it wanking one day get used to it oh God oh soon no I'm joking

Jesus terrifying babadoo babadoo babadoo soon no I'm joking Jesus terrifying hello Rosie and Chris hello potential liar carry on we can't just all think that all of our listeners are liars

they've made us suspicious now I'm suspicious now carry on though I'll see if this is a lie that might have happened it might have happened but I doubt it happened to that person

anyway hello Rosie and Chris I have a husband of 8 years and a 3 year old That might have happened. It might have happened, but I doubt it happened to that person. Anyway. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I have a husband of eight years and a three-year-old and a two-year-old. Right. I want birth certificates and marriage certificates. I'm not believing it. I'm joking.

Carry on. My question is, do you and Chris like to spend a few evenings a week doing your own thing in different rooms, watching different things, or go out separately? After having my kids, I really appreciate time to myself and my husband really doesn't like it. I like to meet up with some friends or just sit and watch Love Island in peace. I don't want to be talked to or touched

after a day with the kids or a busy day at work. I feel you sister. Jesus. Even if my friend comes round for a girly night, he still insists on staying in the room with us and it drives me crazy. What a creep. Dude.

Your thoughts, please, as I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but maybe I'm a cold-hearted bitch. Thanks. Jesus. Like, what do you think of that? Rosie, if I didn't work away a couple of nights a week, we would probably do the

same thing i agree but i'll work away so much that when i'm back we'll have you know we'll cherish our time together yeah i think it's healthy not to spend all the time with each other 100 and then when i'm back for a while sometimes i'll have you know i'll have the lads around we'll have a few beers we'll be in one room you'll be in another room or you'll go out with your mates and i'll stay in or vice versa she brings her mate round and he sits in the corner like a little gremlin what you're doing dude get a get a hobby get a playstation hey hey get a mega drive stop resetting it when you lose like it's very strange isn't it that's really weird do you think he just wants to know all the gossip or do you think he's

having an affair with that friend oh maybe and he's worried she's going to tell her I'll be honest with you sometimes I will come in and spend an extended amount of time in the room

if you and your mates are gossiping sometimes because gossiping is not something I really get to do as a boy you love a bit of gossip

I do love a bit of gossip you love getting involved with it yeah well now and then I will like I'll be like I wasn't in this conversation i'm just over here buttering some toast but i heard but then so you're really that she you run hot and cold with gossip because sometimes you're well into it and other times you're like oh god i don't want to know and i'm

like you can't dip in and out of gossiping you're either fully in or you're fully out well do you not know that sometimes i deliberately stick up for people like you're slagging off just to wind you up you do know that don't you what that well that's cruel why would you do that you know but then i'll laugh about it afterwards but you know be like and she did that can you believe and i'll be like well you know she's had a hard time i hate you do that all the time you go well just to be devil's advocate um maybe and i'm like, no! Yeah, it's great.

It's best to do that when someone's in full, full swing slagging someone off. It's really good fun. You know, I remember we did it the other night. We watched that Temptation Island. That guy had sex with someone else while he had a girlfriend. Yeah. And then he went, I didn't send my girlfriend a video message because I couldn't put it into 30 seconds, all the stuff I had to say.

And I went, went oh that's nice and I felt you tense up but you didn't say anything so I left a little gap and then I went what a good bloke and you just went what? I just couldn't contain my laughter. I remember that why were you just sent here to

wind me up? Oh that's what I do it's me calling in life Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo. Just quickly Chris wants to mention his tour. Thanks Wind me up. That's what I do. It's me calling in life. Just quickly, Chris wants to mention his tour. Thanks. I'm on tour. 2020. March, April, May.

There's a gig in December. There's a big gap. Wonder why. Probably going to be more dates added. Can't confirm yet, though. I'm on tour. Hey, you like me? Come see me tour. Thank you.

You could have made that more exciting. Hey, I'm on tour. Tour Come see me tour. Thank you. You could have made that more exciting. Hey, I'm on tour. Tour, tour, tour. 2020. Shit name, by the way. I don't know what it's going to be about, do I? I've got a bloody dance before then. I don't know what it's going to be about.

I was going to call it something to do with Strictly. I was going to call the tour Twinkle Toes or something. But what if I get kicked out in the first week? It'll be so demoralising. Very embarrassing. I've got another question. Come on then. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Hi. I have a question. Good. We are going to Canada in a couple of weeks for my school friend's wedding. Right. I am wondering, do I get a present? My husband says no,

as it's costing us a lot to get there. We have three kids. Whoa. And us being there should be present enough. Is a husband Kanye West? My presence is a present kiss my ass. Kenya loves Kenya. I want to get them something as she's my oldest friend and she came home from Australia for my wedding 10 years ago I can't remember if she got us anything though Great

So do I get something and pack it or not? I don't want to turn up with nothing Also, what a suitable present to pack and that won't bankrupt us Thanks much, Vicky God heavens I personally don't think they should get them anything

Wow, really? If we lived in Canada and our family and friends came to our wedding god heavens I personally don't think they should get them anything wow really if we lived in Canada and our family and friends came to our wedding I would I would actually say don't get us anything

yeah I mean I would agree but firstly get a card get something little really little if you have to

just no no bottle of champagne four quid bottle of champagne? Where's that going to go? By the airport? Dunno.

All right, fair enough. If you feel like you have to. If you feel under pressure. But at the same time, right? At the same time, if you don't get her a present and she says something. She's a dick. She's an arsehole. Yeah.

I agree with that. She's an arsehole. Imagine that. But if she's in Canada, I'm assuming that the person she's marrying dick she's an arsehole yeah I agree with that she's an arsehole imagine that but if she's in Canada I'm assuming that the person she's marrying is Canadian and they are the politest people in the world

so they won't give a shit if you don't get them a present because they're awesome they might buy you a present for going yeah you might get a little thing of maple syrup eh

cheeky little cheeky little tray of poutine eh what poutine the Russian man Vladimir Poutine no poutine is Putin? Eh? What? Putin. The Russian man? Vladimir Putin.

No. Putin is Well, that's only Putin, I know. Well, he's Putin. It's Vladimir Putin. Oh. Not Putin.

Not Putin, no. Well, Putin, Putin. Well, they used to I must have told you about this when I went to Canada. No. And everyone's going

Oh, you have to try Putin. You have to try Putin. You have to try No. And everyone's going, oh, you have to try poutine. You have to try poutine. You have to try it. And I was like, all right, okay, cool. What is it? Well, I got very excited about what it was. Tell me, God damn it. Everyone was like, it's amazing.

Everywhere it does it, it's the national dish. The national dish, they said it was, right? Poutine is, I shit you not, cheesy chips and gravy. Oh. That's all it is. We call it poutine. Yeah, so it's chips and it's cheese kernels. So it's like the side bits of the cheese or whatever they're called.

Like the sort of, you know, the skin bit eye and gravy. But that was, so it was like, it's one national dish. You need to have it in Montreal or whatever. You have to have poutine, cheesy chips and gravy. Were you like, I've been getting this since I was 15 years old? Do you want to live five minutes down the road

from Sunderland? Like, I've had this before. Is that a Sunderland thing? Chips. Cheesy chips. Cheesy chips. Cheesy chips. Proper Sunderland thing.

Oh, is it? Cheesy chips and gravy. Cheesy chips and garlic. Yeah. See, I moved on to cheesy chips and gravy because you didn't feel like someone had shat a sandy poo

in your mouth during the night. Maybe it was that bloke. That maybe, hey, him and her might have had garlic the night before

and he might have thought, oh, my mouth's dry, I'll go and get a drink of water. Oh, I've had a drink of water, I'm sorted now. Oh, she's awake now, I hope she hasn't got a dry mouth. Favour.

I'll sort you out, love. Yeah. He might have been just being really nice. Hey, what a lovely bloke. He might have brought up, he might have been brought up in a house where that's the morning greeting.

Morning, morning. Spitting in each other's mouths. You don't know, do you? People have got really strange home lives. Oh, God, leave it in the house if that's your home life. Good heavens. Imagine. I love knowing what goes on in people's houses.

I would love it. Do you know what's the stupidest thing? I'll get an Instagram message. I'll get a message on Instagram of someone going, listen to the podcast. We do that. We spit in each other's mouths. I'll be like, Jesus.

What's going on with the world? Mouses? Are you drunk? I'm a bit drunk. What's going on? Let's knock this on the head shortly. Chipshoot, chipshoot, chipshoot. Good God.

Wanna get dirty. Gonna get a little bit dirty. Get caught up in a hurry. Right, that's not the words. Gonna get dirty. Next question. It's about time for my arrival. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Okay. So, my friend has just completely stressed me out by saying, can you imagine if like in the movies, when you die, the outfit you have on that day is your ghost outfit for all eternity. It led me to thinking about a few things. Order some new clothes, but also a conversation started between us. Reference. What would be the worst case scenario and the best?

For example, what if you went to a fancy dress party dressed as SpongeBob SquarePants? And God forbid something happened and you were forever in that thought. And that's Nicola from Jarrow. It's true. It's so true. Yeah.

Someone dies in the film. If they come back, you see them in that outfit so so there's a comedian called barry dodds who's a really good stand-up he's a friend of mine and he had this routine saying uh how come all the ghosts you see are all in victorian gear he's like how come no one's died like there's so there's no ghosts since the victorian time he goes to be fair there should be ghosts now like walking around in tracksuits it should be i can't remember the exact line that he said but it was something fair there should be ghosts now like walking around in tracksuits it should be i can't remember the exact line that he said but it was something like you should be able to smell

the aftershave and stuff like oh it was really creepy i could smell the really funny routine um this just got a point like what if like what if you died like what if you died popping out you know popping out to get to check your post box or something in your slippers and your dressing gown? You've seen the clip of some of my pyjamas. Oh, yeah. God, yeah. Be gutted. No bra for eternity.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, but that would be bliss. Bliss on earth. Wearing a bra is horrible. It does look awful. It's like a little torture rack for yourself. It's disgusting. It's like a really tight bum bag. It is. Or f It's like a little torture rack for yourself. It's disgusting. It's like a really tight bum bag.

It is. Or fanny pack if you're listening in there. United States of America. U.S. of A. What would you want to dye in? You know what? Well, I was just

fitting there like a suit like looking like, you know, like I did the ident thing for Strictly in like a, in jeans and a waistcoat and a suit.

You'd be very comfortable. That's exactly what I was just about to say. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't be for Strictly in jeans and a waistcoat and a suit. You wouldn't be very comfortable. That's exactly what I was just about to say. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't be able to sit down as a ghost because I'd be like, oh, God. Well, this is probably why people probably die in the Victorian gear deliberately because they look really comfy. Yeah.

Like, think of Jacob and Marley from The Muppets. Jacob and... Marley. Marley and Marley. What are they called? Jacob, Marley and... I'm thinking Marley. They look really comfy. are they called Jacob Marley and Marley they look really comfy

because they've got in the pyjamas well exactly well yeah well I want to be in a white robe I want to be in a onesie right there we go

yeah so listen even you know if you died in the clothes I would change you you would change us

I'd get you changed that doesn't is what so it's whatever you get cremated in then buried alright well everyone dies in a suit then all the ghosts

are in suits not necessarily my grandad didn't wear a suit my grandad was buried in white linen pants and a shirt that he wore

for my sister's wedding what a lad yeah I think oh gosh oh well I mean he's not he's not listening

yeah he's always listening oh bless you you weren't going to take the mic there weren't you yeah just go on then just wait wait till you get

tripped over and I'll go this is me grandad Jimmy tripping you over yeah just wait wait till you choke

on some juice next time I stub my toe I think that's what it is I will I'll say it's Jimmy it is now time for our celebrity question of the week we are down to our

last celebrity question of the week. We are down to our last celebrity question of the week, of ever, actually. And Chris was meant to have loads in his phone, but he hasn't bothered asking anyone from Strictly. I know. You've been spending every day, what you've been talking about. Because if it's not a podcast,

then I don't even want to know. I know. I need to get on everyone I'm in a WhatsApp group with all of the celebs I'll send it

into the WhatsApp group I'll ask them all we didn't mention that Michelle Visage spoke to me on the phone and wished me a happy birthday

oh you were buzzing weren't you so set the scene I was in the green room before the launch show of Strictly we're sitting just

chilling and Rosie phoned me and we're just talking it was her birthday she was on her way out and Michelle was literally sitting I'd just been chatting with her she was sitting a couple of feet phoned me and we were just talking it was her birthday she was on her way out and Michelle was literally sitting I'd just been chatting

she was sitting a couple of feet away and out of nowhere she just went she went oh is that Rosie can I talk to her and I was like Rosie do you want to speak to Michelle Visage

and I just heard you go and I went I think she wants to speak to you yeah and she was lovely she was very lovely she was so lovely she was like

why aren't you coming to watch the show? And I said, Michelle, babes, you can't drink in the audience. So you'll probably not see me for a while. No disrespect. But you've got to sit... How long have you got to sit there? About seven hours?

It's a long record. It's a long-arse record. Oh, I'm arid. Yeah, it's a long-arse record. And you're only on for like four minutes. Well, you're going to be here canvassing for votes for me. I am. I'm going to be watching it from home, having a little partay.

Genuinely, guys, all listeners, please, when I'm on, it would mean the absolute world if you voted for us. I'd love to stay in long enough to be able to frigging dance. Like, genuinely, I'd like to be able to dance. The amount of times, Rosie, I see you get up at a wedding or a party and I see you just confidently just waltz on the dance floor and start dancing. I'd friggin' love to be able to do that. Well, here's your chance.

I'm rooting for you, babes. Thank you. Literally, I'm thinking about making some posters and putting them up in the local area. Yeah, yeah. The maniac woman who puts posters up in the days of social media. Nutter, don't bother. What's wrong with the poster?

It's just a lot of info. Don't worry about it. Asda, Bolden, probably gets more footfall. It gets a lot of people. A lot of people. Any of our social media. There's over 800 staff working at Asda Bolden. Just the staff alone?

Is there actually 800 people working at Asda Bolden? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine if they all give us a tenner for the podcast. For the podcast! That's a poster. Fancy giving us a tenner for our podcast. Oh, my God. Should I imagine?

Take it off your wages. What if I just broke the law, right? What if I... Could I get away with this when I I mean you're saying it on a podcast listen

when I say vote for Chris I put a link right I'll not put the I'll not put that I'll put like our bank account

right do people send money for no it's just it's a phone call it's not even a phone call oh I'm not going to make any money off this scam this is stupid

it's not a scam back to stage one. I mean, Jesus, it's like pinky in the brain over here. Right. This week's celebrity question is from a very good friend of mine, Charlie Condu. He's an actor.

You've seen him in Coronation Street. I did time crashes with him on Channel 4 back in the day and I fangirled off him so much because he plays Jonathan Yeh in Nathan Barley, which is my favourite sitcom in the whole world. And I actually looked at him and I thought,

I know you. And I was like, hiya mate. And I was like, and for the half of the day I was like, I know him so well, but why can't I remember? Why don't I know where I met him? And it's just because I watched Nathan Barley easily 50 times when I was at uni. So Charlie Condu has this question for

Rosie, I think it's actually for you. Hey Chris and Rosie, it is Charlie Condu here. I have a question for you actually. Knowing what a weird, clean freak you are Chris, I'm just wondering how you deal with being a parent with all the shit, literal

and metaphorical shit that you have to deal with when you have children. And Rosieie how do you deal with him being weird about all that stuff very good question i love that i was like i think it's meaning for you rosie you're like really very good question charlie uh my first point extremely good question and chris does not deal very well with stuff like that yeah and i have just had to take over that part of the parenting yeah side of stuff however however i'm all right with actual feces it doesn't bother us that much it's grease uh and stuff like that food mess is my worst one if robin has plunged his hand into a

packet of crisps and tries to touch my face i will punch his hand away like he's an adult i will literally slap his hand away the way i an adult I've seen you do that I will literally slap his hand away the way I would slap a man's hand away I'm like do not touch his you're not good

at brushing his teeth either this is your new thing now he's just you don't want to brush his teeth Rosie I brush his

teeth every day and every day acts like I've never brushed his teeth before he's just it's so irritating have you ever seen

him try to do it himself as well when you're just like are you stupid? He's got no two front teeth and he just brushes his gums. Oh, bless him. I think, to be fair, I think he's seen that on YouTube or on something. He's seen brushing their...

Because that's how they show kids to brush their teeth. It's the archetypal say cheese and go up and down. So, bless him. He's tried. I'll be honest with you. Time crashes that I did with Charlie back in the day on channel 4

that helped me a lot we only found out that you were pregnant when I went and did that and the first day I was like I don't like dirt I don't like mess

I literally while I was in sort of in the set up of them for two days I wouldn't go to the toilet and then I would take a suppository the next day

and empty myself out so I wouldn't shit for two days then I would shit loads for one day never wanted you more just letting you behind the curtain there guys um generation porn before you have sex these days you just gotta empty yourself just in case i'll fill it with

spit i will oh yeah man i made myself feel ill i made myself feel too much but that helped a lot yeah that did help a lot um and charlie honestly mate uh the the poo still doesn't bother us at all can you remember that time rosie i think was it just me i don't know i think i remember telling carl about when i went on tour robin had a bit of a runny poo and uh he was only little and he was obviously still in nappies he must have only been six months or something and i remember lying him on the mat to change him and i took i opened the nappy at the sides and i pulled it down and it was like he was wearing like y fronts made of shit like it was fully yeah it was fully up to his belly button and down to his groin just covered like a little like someone had made him a y front out of baby shit and he'd put it on under his nappy and i remember looking going how is that possible it was all about like the whole

inside of the nappy was just canvassed in it and i took it off and i remember he lifted his legs up and then he just blasted his heels his feet into the shitty nappy and i went oh god and i grabbed his like feet and stopped him kicking it around and as i did that and he'd never done it before he got both his hands and just rubbed them on all the crap on his groin and i was like this is the worst thing that's ever happened in my life and i sent a call i got i went on tour that afternoon and i sent a call i said what happened to me today if it was a computer game it was like the final boss of nappy changing it was the hardest nappy change i'll have ever had to do in my life it was i'm still scarred by it today i can see it when i close my eyes it's just that's one of them situations when you're like there's nothing can fix this except a

bath yeah i did i carried him through the bath and i hosed him down in the bath them down yeah hosed him down if i'd had a car chair i'd have used the car chair i skidded him across the drive i got into a little rabbit hole of looking at pictures of robin he's not all busy i thought Karcher? I'd have used the Karcher. I skidded him across the drive. You were a bane. I got into a little rabbit hole of looking at pictures of Robin. He's not all busy. I thought I heard him coming down. No. No, he's not.

Do you remember the other night when he came downstairs? We were watching Temptation Island. And I was like, there was 10 minutes left. And I was like, oh, Chris, he's getting a bit bigger nowadays. He goes back to sleep fine. I was like, there was 10 minutes left. And I was like, oh, Chris, he's getting a bit bigger nowadays. He goes back to sleep fine. I was like, just leave him. There was nothing really. The don't shout or argue on it or nothing.

There's no swearing. So I was like, let him. He was just lying down with a blanket on him. I tried to cover his eyes a bit. Anyway, he ended up just starting to watch the program, didn't he? Do you remember when they were kissing? And you do an impression of what he did when they were kissing. And he was kind of looking at the telly but not really paying any attention

with his eyes half closed. And this couple were kissing for a long, long time. Proper French kissing, snogging, going for it. And he just went, like that. And he just like

sort of sniggered. Started laughing like a little teenager. It was so funny. He, getting big. And broody, I think. Oh, God. Right. Oh oh we've had wine as well oh no oh god no i can't be honest i have sex oh thank god i'm just saying

we'll just we'll just make one another way oh i don't want to just talk about that now but you don't want to that's what made me want one what's the matter can i just say can i just you know, in the, in the vein of, of Dragon's Den, I've, I've heard your pitch for a new baby. Yeah.

And I'm out. Are you really? I'm out. Listen, we get seven million listens, we've had seven million listens on this podcast, okay?

Yeah. I can find another baby daddy. Oh, that's terrible. No, you can't, because they all heard that you chew your fucking toenails in bed and it's never going to happen.

Someone's going to like that. Yeah. I wonder if, what's his face? Oh, spitting mouth would be well up for that. Yeah. You can spit toenails in.

Yes! You can play a game. Was there a toenail in this or not? Oh yeah, there was a toenail in it. You win a pint. He'd be a good dad. Dad!

That's it we're at the end of another episode thank you so so much for listening we really really love love that you come back each and every week

keep getting into it don't you speak I'm sorry I'm like puckering up I'm puckering up because all I want to say is we genuinely do and I know it sounds

like bollocks but it might be because I've had a couple of drinks but honestly we love that you listen and thank you so much and we're top on Spotify

each week and top on Apple and I've never been top on anything and I've been crying and I'm buzzing and thank you very much and I really enjoy it

and I've had a bit of wine and I might take all my clothes off and run down the street I'm not going to thank you so much guys if you want to get in touch at shagmoneynoid at gmail.com

I'm on tour next year it's on sale now Verve is on Strictly. Rosie, what have you got to say before we go? I've been on top loads of times. Oh, spit in your mouth. Right. Bye.

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